The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #558 "Gay Wedding"

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

After crashing gay cousin Nancy's gay wedding, Doug and Bingo sit down with Derrick to tell him about their weekend.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Alex update Alex O'Mara if you're on the reddit with the or saw the episode with the the tracheal malaysia Well, he went to Boston and they ran a bunch of tests as they knew he knew they would And now they think it might not be the tracheal tracheal malaysia at all. They think it might be relapsing polychronitris, polychronitris, which, but only happening in his trachea, which they've never seen before. It's usually like your ears get fucked up

and it starts to dissolve your cartilage. And they've never seen it only affect the trachea. So that's gonna require months and months of more studies and tests and screenings and biopsies. So he goes, other than that, Boston is great. So he's stuck out in Boston. Well, that's the update on him. Hey, I never did thank Ed for sending us spider stuff.

Derek is our, he's our new, what do you call it? Exterminator. Because just like Mimsy was just saying, where Derek was yeah there's three new ways to treat sickle cell anemia and she goes yeah just a bucket of facts aren't you that right so so at one point Derek said I don't know I spend the money on an exterminator and then some guy that was here a fan that was coming through I was his 50th birthday

said oh yeah you can you know if what really works well and he starts talking to Derek who just completely just like fucking almost physically shuns the man for having to have a conversation like you're going to tell Derek something he don't know. So that guy sent me whatever spider scorpion killer that he was talking to Derek about, he sent it to me saying, hey, that stuff I told Derek about, he didn't even bother to write it down, so I thought I'd just send it to you. But Derek has, he did work on an

ant problem for us. Yeah so yeah we'll see. I forget to pay him too a lot of times. Sometimes I overpay him, sometimes I forget to pay him. And in the summertime he's just, he will work for air conditioning. He is the sweatiest man you've ever seen in the summer. And just like eating a sandwich is a labor. And he takes your name brand paper towels and mops and he just has stacks of paper towels instead of an old thrift store rag. But he's kept up on feeding the cats.

We went to New England, Connecticut, to go to my gay cousin's gay wedding reception. And before he gave me shit, he said he'd never go to another wedding, which I did. Back when he posted on websites, I posted for all the world to see that I will never attend another funeral or wedding regardless of the circumstances.

And I pretty much held to that, except there have been extenuating circumstances but that I won't get into. But I didn't go to the wedding. I went, I told her no, I will not be in attendance. My wife and I are not coming to the wedding. But then we didn't tell her that we were coming to the reception afterwards.

It was a gay wedding, so that was kind of important because her sister is hardcore Christian, I don't know what kind, and refused to go to it, refused to acknowledge it, which I thought, that's dog shit, I thought they got past all that. And then Nancy's like, you know what, it's just, that's what she believes in. So at least she's not being a hypocrite by showing up.

But you know, and I go, yeah, well, I guess, why am I talking shit if I'm the one who said I won't go to your wedding? Because I don't believe in weddings. You didn't go like, oh, you're a fucking dick. I, yeah, marriage is gay. You've heard the bits. But yeah, the booze was flowing. We showed up in an Uber and it's a small town in

Connecticut. And it's like, yeah, maybe 20 minutes from the airport it was closed. That was one of the selling points. When I looked up, because New England, rural New England can be, I'm not renting a car. And if it's a place like Bisbee where there is no such thing as Uber, but I looked it up and I go,

okay, that's what I told them when I got there. She goes, oh my God, you came. I go, well, you didn't tell me that. You live right next to, right near my favorite I go, she goes, Oh my God, you came and go, well, you didn't tell me that you live right next to, right near my favorite bar. And she goes, what bar is that? I go, an airport bar. So, yeah, it was nice to, especially when,

I thought all that, I hate gay marriage thing had washed away, but... And who did you see there? My brother who I haven't seen in eight years to talk to. He was there after my gay cousin, Nancy, shrieked like a good stabbing when we showed up. We snuck in, we're trying to go in and get behind the bar. Like it's like a a big circus tent.

There's cars parked everywhere. Like, this is a monster fucking event out in the backyard. And we go, oh, if we can get behind the bar and just start serving drinks with the catering people until someone notices us. Because we figured there's only three people that would possibly know us at the way. Like, this old-

And we did not expect your brother to be there. Yeah, and she told me when she was trying to con me into going. She goes, he probably won't be there. He doesn't really show up to a, but he showed up for the same reason. He goes, yeah, I hate crowds. I hate events. But yeah, since the sister's not showing up, I thought we have to. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. But we hugged it out and yeah. Yeah, it the sisters not showing up I thought we have to yeah, okay But we hugged it out and yeah, yeah, it was great. We didn't take Yeah, we didn't discuss it Just how you been good. Oh, oh is that bit for you, too? He's a He said he's the heaviest he's ever been, and I really, I used to say this on stage,

but it went nowhere, but that when people say they don't see color, I don't see color. I do, absolutely, first thing. But I don't see fat. You never see it on me. Like, when I get fat, you don't give a shit. Yeah, but I mean, I can't see fat. You never see it on me. Like when I get fat, you don't give a shit. Yeah, but I mean, I can't tell. Like when you saw, you know,

Ralphie May after he lost 200 pounds or gained 200 pounds, I can't tell. Joey Diaz, like, oh yeah, he's bigger than ever. Well, he's always looked that size to me. Derek, I just tell you that you always look fat because you're all, it's the sweating. I don't really know how big you are. I just know how much you sweat

and how much you're winded by the smallest feets. So, yeah, we were hanging out. My brother and his girlfriend. It, uh, who was his first girlfriend that he's back with now. And she was my first girlfriend and now they're back together happiest ever. And then, uh, my, uh, my cousin, the one who drank himself to death, his wife was there with her kids. She was fucking great. Yeah, Asian, so she's like hot forever.

And she has half Asian kids. They're like the really tall, hot, fucking, they were cool. And that was pretty much most of the ones we knew. And my auntie, my auntie, at the time she was 92 years, six months and 13 days old. Yeah.

She knew everything! And she did not call me Bingo. She called me Amy. She knew my fucking real name! And... She wouldn't call me Bingo. And she corrected me up. When I did not use proper manners when addressing Amy.

Yes! So fast! I love Auntie Bev. Yeah. And a lot of other people. Maybe I would have probably been introduced to a lot more people, but my brother being there, everyone's like, hey, let them do their thing. They've been estranged.

I went over to Auntie Bev, I go, sorry, if I'm being distant, but I don't know if you know, I haven't talked to Jeff in eight years, so we were estranged and now we're restranged and it's working out well, so. She knew, she knew. It was fucking, there was whispers as we're all getting along drinking wine.

I heard, I think someone said Trump got shot. Nobody fucking cared. They heard it. Nobody cared at all. Nobody even checked their phone. No one Googled it. They didn't even give a fuck. Is he dead? I don't know.

Okay. Did you get any food? It was so righteous. I talked to you shortly after I found out on the news and I didn't say anything to you because I knew you were at the wedding and I just figured

We knew. We did something the same. Everybody's show, hey look, you see this? Nope. So, a two man band. Everybody show, hey look, you see this? No? No? So, a two man band, I was wondering, I walked in and there's a duo on stage outside, and I said, why isn't Jeff playing? That was the first thing I said. And then I found out he was there.

He goes, I don't do this shit except for money now. But I said, yeah, he's got his band back together. Maybe someday I'll come in. His old band, yeah. Yes. Yeah, that was it. It seemed like it was really weird because it seemed like we were there for three days,

but we were only in the hotel bar once. So I don't know what we did with all our time. Oh, fuckface here. She leaves her phone at the wedding because you wanted me to videotape you and Auntie Bev so I did and I feel like I want to blame you but it's really my fault but that was the coolest thing cuz oh and you guys the Australians thank you for cuz there's way, the only phone number I have. For finding my phone, thank you, both of you.

Yeah, the only phone number I have is for Nancy that would be around still to see if it's out there. And she's not answering her phone the morning after her own wedding. They intruded my phone. So yeah, between the Australians and Apple and AT&T and and and and God that well we didn't approve of the marriage we got mimosas and Bloody Mary's because we lost the phone well yeah that's when it

became more confusing I'm trying to find the phone because we were having mimosas in the morning and This is not really making it clear as to but we called these kids and next thing you know Yep, it's back at the gay wedding. So So we went back there And they had mimosas and Bloody Marys So we jumped in an Uber

I had a good old late check out We didn't have a flight. Thank God wasn't till five o'clock at night So I get a late check out. Yeah, and we went out there and then it was down to all the cool kids It was like having a fucking you know backstage pass like everyone all the cool people that we didn't get to talk to enough all the half Asians and the Auntie Bev was now 92 years old, six months and 14 days. And just as whippy as she was at 13 days, she still has it, you know, there's no age in that, Bron. And we're back. So yeah, that worked out. It was the most fortuitous losing of a phone. Four times, four flights, we have bumped up all four times

yeah and yeah we had no I know what yeah so I'm getting okay go to it did you want to get back there and direct they No. You're a judge. They give you these comet cards, like, they give you like four a year. Like when you get your, hey, thanks for being diamond packaged from Delta every year, if you're diamond that year. They give you a four, but here, points out an employee that stood out, and here's a card you can fill out.

Like, that might only happen four times when you fly 125,000, well now it's money. But the point is, you should actually just go to a website. I don't know, it's still giving me comment cards. But I just, they don't read them, corporate doesn't read them, so I just write the dumbest shit on them. And I wrote that this, our flight attendant, whatever her name was, Leanne, that my wife was giving birth in the middle seat

in economy comfort and Leanne was kind enough to move her up to first class where she produced a breech birth that turned out to be just a oversized package of Biscoff cookies. That's a Delta's famous for that awful brand. That Biscoff cookie. Yeah. And I gave it to her, I go, they never read them,

but I think the flight attendants get like 500 bonus miles, some like shit, shitty. If they get one of the cards and they scan. I think they get like 10, some of them like shit, shitty. If they get one of the cords and they scan. I think they got like 10,000 of them in a year maybe. Yeah. Yeah. So then I got off to Napsville well into a long day of drinking

and she came back at one point. I am hitting him in the arm, trying to wake him up because the girl hands me this diaper Biscoff cookie baby baby Biscoff cookie with a little smile, little hair She made eyes and a smile and a little curl of baby hair from her face And me and Ms. Stwardess is another red word. Yes.

Is that PC? No, it's not. Okay, give me the PC. But you're retarded and that's not PC either. We were laughing so fucking hard. He was sleeping and I had to punch him awake, but is this not the greatest Biscoff cookie baby? It's not the best.

Here's the baby. And we are gonna take these Biscoff cookies and we're gonna give them to the homeless. So yeah, an off chance that she could ever get in trouble. Yeah, I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars buying vintage Delta shit just to give to flight attendants over the years. Vintage pins. That's weird because Delta has this whole new thing

where they won't allow flag pins. Evidently someone accosted two Delta employees last week because they were wearing Palestine flag. Are you kidding me? So now you can only wear an American flag pin. This was a whole PR nightmare that I only saw vaguely, peripherally. And then I thought they said,

they can't wear any Delta pins. And I'm like, wait, you're not talking about the fucking vintage ones that I've been giving out for the last fucking 12, 15 years. Years. Shit loves them. And the girl that was Nindi is our girl

Texas in at the gate there in Tucson and she was not wearing the pin. I gave her that she used to wear So so Delta before you get that lady, yes, no, we're giving them to the homeless. Yeah, okay. And the homeless are gonna go, Biscoff? Oh no, we're taking it to Tin Town. We'll get video of it. We voted today and we wrote in a lot of people. We wrote in Derek for treasurer.

Who else? Matt Baker for? And for District 4 Superior Court Judge and Chaley for District 5. Didn't put your names on anything as you wouldn't want to jeopardize any future perhaps plans for moving over here. We wouldn't want to jeopardize any future, you know, perhaps plans for Moving over here. Wait, did you run for? Commissioner of Sewers Was it right it was a goof

Yeah, we wrote Derek because but we're gonna write in Kenny but we didn't know if he's spelled his last name with a wire Do you even know See Hey, let me quickly up Dave Fulton is a he's an American Yeah, it's lived... Yes, this went to me. It's lived in... He's lived in the UK for fucking I don't know, maybe 20 years. I met him about 20 years ago. Yeah, so yeah, he sent me his novel. He wrote a novel. It's a Civil War themed novel.

It says it's based on some of his family history. And all he wanted in return is a copy of my book forged with bingos. By me of your name. I don't know to hear back. What are you doing? I don't know, if you're on the Reddit, let us know if anyone got the blue signature copies

of my book. I have a couple people have written to me and they've gotten it so I know it's going out. Hey Dave Fulton, you know why we don't ship to the UK? It's really fucking expensive and it's a lot of paperwork and it's a pain in the ass. Where's the bubble wrap package to go with that? Are you doing a tour of the states anytime soon? Can I send it to your folks up in Idaho? When you come back for Christmas or bank holiday you can just grab it then I gotta get you guys more shit to to put out in the packages and we have to do telemarketing again.

Oh yeah, we should do that. I've been working with the Gretchen Bonaduce for Mayor campaign. We haven't had her on as a mayoral candidate. I'd love to get the three of them on, but I don't at the same time, because I don't want to get involved with fucking, I mean it's bad enough that,

I'm just doing like the goofy stuff. And she's, yeah, she's trying to make a reality show out of it, and yeah, creatively, I was on stage for the first time, even though it was just, you know, five minutes of fucking local references. At least I went on stage to, wasn't a rally, but more of a meet and greet with the town to meet the mayor in running. And I think that's all

wrapped up now. I don't think I have to do anything else but it was fun to be involved. You got a vote for her? Yeah. Why not? She's a great lady. Yeah. I mean, whatever problems anybody has with her, she loves Bisbee and she wants to do things here, which is like, Ken Budge, sure, what for him?

Nothing will happen. The city will be fine. We'll probably just get more debt. This is what I wanted to do. What's that? If I had more time and thought of it earlier, I might be able to try to make a drive out of it is give, not give our ballots, that's probably illegal, but I will allow you to tell me who to vote for on my ballot to convicted felons.

They cannot be legal. me who to vote for on my ballot to convicted felons. They cannot be legal. I think it's a great idea. They can't vote, but they can tell me who to vote for. It's not legal. I'm not acknowledged. If you can show me that you know more about local politics than I do, which would be very, very simple, especially for someone who had a lot of time to kill sitting around

being a convicted felon. Yeah, I would definitely let you fill out my application. In fact, maybe we should just spread our rumour. Let's ask Bobby. Yeah, he would know about, I mean. Yeah, but he's smart. The point is we already filled it out. We've already voted.

The only thing we didn't do is you said you were gonna put it in the mailbox on the way out. And you didn't. And all that stuff you put in the window sill, you go, this is my area, no one touch it. It's all going with me. Yeah, you didn't take that with you. And this is where Auntie Bev would go, you don't talk to her like that.

You say please and thank you. And you're like, grr. Auntie Bev is on my side. Let's just start, just start a rumor that you have a lot of a bunch of us, we all just let convicted felons take our votes. And, uh, well, I mean, it's the lie is as good as if we actually did it. It's making the point that convicted felons should have the right to vote.

What if you were fucking convicted of something that is no longer a felony? That should have never been a felony. You can't vote to have that rescinded. You fucking smuggled fucking pot in the eighties and now you can't vote to see if the pot becomes legal. I think it would be a relief because people ask you who you voted for and you're like I can't, I don't vote, I don't give a shit because I can't. That's what I said at the thing.

I said I can't vote because I'm a felon. Not convicted, not even charged, I just know where I've been. Do the right thing. Oh, you're an angel. Yeah, this wine's hot. Can I get some ice cubes for this? What you got in there? I was just looking at nose. Oh, fucking shout outs to Blind Joe.

You love the best. Yeah, one of the Sky Clubs was actually a Centurion. Oh, Blind Joe. Hartford. God, we had some fucking fun. We did. I just want to keep track. That trip really was so much fun. I know. We did have some fun.

The road without dates, that's the way to do it. It's blind Joe. He was one of those weird blind guys that you go, all right, this guy recognized my voice. He'd like, caught up, got a drink, overheard part of our conversation, came back, and I made some fucking wisecrack about the blind guy and he's like oh is that that's Doug there and he absolutely did that yeah he didn't say he recognized your voice until he was

back to his seat and then he said Doug Stanton oh I remember that do you recognize who I was? He recognized you, Yeah. He was so sweet. Derek, would your insurance cover the pozempic? The pozempic. Medicare does now, but I mean, I'd have to go to the doctor. So what's wrong with that? I don't have the money to be a doctor. Well, how do I do it? I don't have the money to pay a doctor. We're already doing it.

I thought you have a permanent disability. You have an alien Medicare, it's $80,000, 20. So if I go to the doctor, it's, you know. What do you have? Oh, $10 million. What do you mean? What do you have? You don't pay anything to go to a doctor.

You're telling me that you're not as simple You don't pay anything to go to a doctor. You're telling me that you're not as simple as she is? She doesn't qualify for access because we went together the first time. She has access? Or she used to not? No, I have... What do you have? I have Medicare and then I have a form of access, but I don't know what that means. Access is Arizona, whatever state. I don't know what that means though,

but I have Medicare that pays for everything pretty much. Something to access Arizona health services. It's a section of it. I have the insurance to where you wait until it's an emergency and then you go to the emergency room. No, I don't have that. I have it, it takes care of it. It's 100% if I go to the emergency room. No, I don't have that. I have it, it takes care of it. It's 100% if I go to the emergency room, but if I have the same problem, I go to the doctor.

I had to bring that fucking bit back. I'm going to use Ozempic, that one like, if you're smart enough to fucking make meth, you should be smart enough to make other drugs that actually help people that are people who are getting fucked in their insurance. You know what? Fuck any... Because Ozempic is a great fucking example. But your example was a Billify. Yeah, but not enough people do that. I know we don't use it, but that's what you want. It'll be one of the three. Oh, it was good. And Derek, what do you have to plug?

Yeah, what's coming up in your world? I still haven't heard about my van it's in the shop that's actually true thousand dollars in debt because of that oh yes well you know these things your new exterminating position oh I didn't pay attention to that guy because he was telling me that like five o'clock in the evening It's like I'm not gonna remember any of that shit and write it down like you fucking write it down I'm I don't write stuff down because I'll lose the list Down to people or about people after the fact I don't know when Derek talks down to people or about people after the fact. Am I doing that?

What am I? I'm Derek. I'm fucking... You want me to write something down? Just to try to find that later. Right. So I write stuff only on my hand. Yeah, you know what? We used to always be walking around with our fucking hands covered in sharpie

Alright, look, I still got mine Oh you still got some? I still got some, look That's my social security appointment today which is actually for tomorrow Yeah, I don't know if I ran out of ideas to write down, but it's certainly not because my memory got better that my hands are clean. What the fuck is going on? But the rains are done and yeah, we'll be cranking out some more shit.

We're going to be podcasting the fucking morning, night and day when the house is full and swelling. Well, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, it's gonna be, it's gonna be bad. Did you wash the sheets? Oh yeah. But halfway doors either they won't open sometimes because of rain, you know.

We wash the wet sheets. Well, I let him stay with, he doesn't have air conditioning and while we're gone is feeding the cats Yeah, the city she's okay. I was no alright Did you put towels down when you're sweating a step? I imagine I got ads. What are you? Having your time this month, Bingo? Did you put down your Chuck's pads?

I'm imagining like it's just a sweat stained shroud of Turin on that bed, the guest bed. You know I'm sweating there because of air conditioning. No. air conditioning. I woke up hot and turned it down and it froze so when I turned it off and back on now it's in fucking Celsius. Congratulations. I can't figure out how to change it. None of the buttons will do anything. But we've learned Celsius because fucking This fucking egghead Every splitter he touches He hits the wrong button and he turns it to Celsius So now we all know Celsius

Maybe if we could change our fucking scales to Celsius They'll know what a fucking Then we don't have to go on Centris Triceratunas I'd be so happy if I was in Celsius I'd be so happy if I was in Celsius I'd be so happy if I was in Celsius I'd be so happy if I was in Celsius. I weigh 54 degrees.

That's beautiful. All right. Yeah, I'm going to wrap this up. It's nice talking to you kids and Will do a will be doing some shit soon. So get on them patreon oh, oh fuck Portland Afternoon delight the Brendan Walsh show his afternoon delight prank. Yeah prank call show

Every time I try to let you talk, then you stop talking. And then when I start talking, you've you're like, it's like, we're a couple that you finished my sentences, but you're on the wrong page. I am drunk. And August 10 and 11. Yes. We will be in Portland, 420, one night, at McMinnimans one afternoon, and then the next afternoon,

and those will be fucking chaos shows. If you've never seen a Brendan Walsh afternoon delight live prank call show, yeah, it's just, it's about the most fun I've had with live shows. Watching him when he was opening it for me, this time I get to partake. Yeah.

Let's go fucking shovel the fucking hail off the driveway. All right. Cheers, bye bye. Cheers, thanks for joining us, Derek. Bye. Thanks for having me. Love you guys. I did I screw everything up.