The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #564 Mexican Standoff - Casserole Kenny vs Backdoor Mike

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

Kenny and Mike are over to spill the beans on their little trip down to Mexico. But despite everything that went down, Kenny, as always, will tell the story like he's the hero, so Mike's here to keep him in check. Get 10 FREE meals at www.HelloFresh.com/freestanhope. Applied across 7 boxes, new subscribers only, varies by plan.  HelloFresh: America’s #1 Meal KitSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com slash freestanhope. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Isn't this where it all went wrong was tequila? Is that why you went downstairs? Yeah, this was a bottle from the trip that I brought back. All right. When you because of what people might not know if they didn't haven't listened to the podcast for fucking decades. Kenny is in a horribly abusive relationship and he's the he's the

abusee. And like she doesn't ever come over here. She used to occasionally for a Super Bowl or a Fourth of July. But she does come over. She's just really fucking demeaning to Kenny and they just constantly fight. I'm surprised now that she has an already called to say, where are you? She sounds like a fucking cartoon when she calls him during football and yells at him. It's a Charlie Brown.

Wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah wah. I don't, but I left you money for fucking toilet paper. I don't know why you're yelling at me. So you fucking backdoor Mike go, hey, I'm planning a big vacation down to Rocky Point. Why not invite Kenny and his horrible wife? Well, Kenny was invited because he's an employee and all employees were invited because we were closing and wanting to treat everybody

for doing a good job. Let me just open by getting the plug in. You own the Taqueria. Outlaw. Outlaw. 78 Main Street, Bisbee, Arizona. Please give them a five star review. I did, you can too.

And you employ Kenny, you say, but don't you just make him dress up as a taco on holiday weekends? Well, in between those, he does swamp, so he cleans the place for us at night. I thought you just dressed up as a taco. No, on our big weekend, he'll dress as our mascot. What's your mascot?

It's a taco suit, well, we don't, I don't think. We've got two, actually, we've got two mascots. It's either the Bandolero dude with the chili pepper bullets. Right, so it's a Bandol. Well, we don't actually got two mascots. It's either the bandolier or do with the chili pepper bullets. Right. So it's a bandolier that has chili peppers and some other cultural appropriation. He's the brownest person that works for us. Taco. Does he do? Does he do rhymes as a Mexican taco?

I don't know. He goes on the street. He does whatever the hell he wants to do. He talk taco. Well, yeah, from the street and the taco from the street. I am a taco from the street. I'm sorry, I just wanted to catch up. I'm gonna ignore the podcast part of this, but I want folks to know the backstory. So you have an employee's company Christmas party,

basically, but not in Christmas. Well, we had to close to repair our kitchen floor. So we had five days off, and instead of sitting around in Bisbee, we decided to go down to Rocky Point, which is about five hours from here. And I rented- Mexico. Yes, Mexico. Well, better known as Puerto Penasco.

Yeah, Puerto Penasco. Puerto Penasco. So it's the closest beach to us and we rented a big old house on the beach that could fit about 15 people. And pretty much every employee dropped out except for a couple of servers and Kenny. And? And? His wife. Now, was this like a last minute October surprise when he goes,

oh, my wife demands she has to go? Well, no, but I told them all before they go, which was in vain, obviously, that you're not allowed to fight. That's like telling Andy he's not allowed to masturbate. Exactly. Or talk. Hey, this is my Xanax bottle. Don't tell anyone where it is, because I'm afraid.

You know, there's a couple other people who got moody, and I mean, that's what happens when you bring 23-year-old young women who get a little catty with each other after a lot of drinking and partaking in some illicit substances. Yeah. So, let's get back to off the air where you said it was

constant fucking back and forth with the two of them. Well, what's funny is they just argue about the stupidest shit ever. I try not to. Why are you breathing like that? Why is your face like that? Well, you were at the eating competition, right? The hot dog.

The hot dog eating competition where right? The hot dog eating competition, where she went up as he's on stage just trying to not vomit, and she's up there yelling at him. Just swallow it, Kenny, just swallow it. It's not easy. He did win, so maybe it's... Well, then they were supposed to do the... Some good Lou Holtz coaching.

That's probably just a regular dinner at their house. What do you mean dinner at their house? Who was the Hoosiers coach that choked the kid out? Bobby Knight. Bobby Knight, yeah, maybe he's just Bobby Knighting him. I was thinking Gene Hackman from... No, because fucking Sean Rouse had a bit about that when he choked out the kid. He goes, you know, a lot of people said that was abusive, but there's another side of the coin is, hey, don't double dribble, motherfucker. A lot of people said that was abusive, but there's another side of the coin is, hey, don't double dribble, motherfucker.

You don't want to get choked out, don't double dribble. All right. So you, I wanted to always jump to, I want to fast forward to the good parts. How many people are in total? Let's see, so it was myself plus the four girls and Kenny and Kristen You're all in one. I kept saying there was seven of us for some reason, but there was six and you're all my

No, it was me and all the girls and my dog in my truck and then Kenny and Kristen followed us in there Okay, so you could hear him arguing from another vehicle We got right through the border and then we got stopped at the border. That's when our argument started. Hang on, I'm going to read the text message. Tuesday 8 o' one p.m. We got pulled over. They luckily didn't find the bag of blow in my secret pocket, but Kenny had a roach on him. Illy had a pipe.

They were going to arrest them. Then they wanted to breathalyze me. They let me go to an ATM and I had to give them $1,300, but none of us are in jail. And I wrote back, Kenny should have dropped some names of his basement dwellers like a Mexican Schindler's List, which is an inside joke that was very funny. Yeah, he laughed at it when I read that, too. Anyway, so, okay, so let's cut to the...

And then we'll work back to the rest of the disaster vacation, but cut to where Kenny... You have to bail Kenny out again. So, well, luckily, the officer's math was really bad. So they were telling me it was gonna be 6.50 a piece, American, and then he says 20,000 pesos. So I go, you know, they let, basically they take us to the station.

We sit out in front of the station, let me go to the ATM while they hold Kenny in the truck. And I go to the ATM, luckily I have two accounts, because you can't pull out so much money at once. So I pulled out 20,000 or 10,000 peso out of the first one, counted it, that's only $525. And then so I transferred some money to my other account,

pulled it out. So it was 1, what? $525. And then so I transferred some money to my other account, pulled it out. So it was 1,052. Must've been pretty good blow if you could be driving drunk and doing that kind of math and. Oh wait, this is 20,000 pesos. That should be 565, not 551. Well, it's around, you know, it fluctuates,

but it's around 20 peso a dollar. But yeah, it was really good blow. Or Molly, one of the two. And we were doing some Molly. We were at a bar way up, like 30 minutes from where we were staying. And we were the only people in there drinking. And it's one of these cavernous spring break bars

for all the kids and stuff. So it was like 12 employees just doing nothing but hanging out with us because we were entertaining, apparently. But first of all, OK, you go, you have a place that sleeps 15 people. Why would you knowingly drive in a corrupt fucking country where you're like you already have a target on your back? This is why I'm afraid, Andy, like this is a guy you go, oh, he goes to Mexico all the time.

I would trust him. I wouldn't go alone. I lived in Mexico for a long time. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't go. But then I hear you make, oh, we decided to drive 30 minutes with drugs on us. Well, you know, I also drive like a grandma. You know, I stop at every freaking stop sign.

I go the speed limit, maybe a little under. Oh, yeah. No, black people say the same thing. Do you remember buying me out of trouble in Costa Rica where I was naked and I had that shoe over my dick and and then the police to I was just walking around with this. I don't even know how I got that shoe got tied around me and I had it over my dick. I kicked out of the bar and then the police were going to run me in. I assumed this was all outdoors. Well, it was in a bar, but then I got kicked ass to leave the bar and I guess, you know, the footwear.

You know, I didn't have proper footwear. Do you understand how beautiful our lives are that I forgot this? Yeah, I was wearing the shoe that Alex has on. I do remember you having a shoe over your cock and you were shaved. Yeah, and the police were gonna run me in and then you just gave them a wad of money

and then the problem went away. I still walked around with the shoe on my dick. That's when you start losing your creativity. Yeah. That's why poor comics are way funnier. Yeah, I have no idea how the shoe, I mean, I didn't do it to be funny. The shoe fits. Yeah, the shoe fit.

Was a Cinderella. So we went out because we were with these young kids who all wanted to go to a bar. And I was perfectly fine with staying at the house the entire time. Why? Because we were right, it was like, you know, a cartel Pablo Escobar house with a brick dome

and beautiful patio right on the beach. But if there's no one there to enjoy it, you want to show it off. But yeah, once they've seen it, let's go out. Right, so we went out. It was just an afternoon excursion. And...

Uh. I was drinking. We were all drinking. Well, Kenny doesn't, first of all, Kenny doesn't normally drink. Kenny's, yeah, he complains and he gets high, but he doesn't ever show any type of intoxication. So when he does drink, it's kind of fun. Yeah. He's on acid and he cries because he doesn't know how to do.

Also, we were, you know, like I said, we were doing Molly. So we were all in a very good mood. Gesundheit. So wait, do you want to hear like I want to hear the trashiest, I'm gonna go with it. So, wait, do you want to hear, like... I want to hear the trashiest, angry version that people want to listen to. Okay, well, it's not, it's, okay,

so we get pulled over for not stopping at a stop sign fully, which I know I did. You want me to tell them what happened at the club before? Go ahead, go ahead. Sorry about that one. Kenny, fucking chime in. So, so...

I don't think it has... Kenny hasn't. I don't think it did either. Kenny got cut off from the local open mic, so he has a lot of pent up bad comedy to fucking unleash. Go ahead, tell us your version of the story. So we're at, wrecked at the reef. Wrecked at the reef. First of all, we are wrecked at the reef, as you should have expected to get pulled over

when you leave there. Second, so we're there, we're eating, we're drinking, and I needed some shades. So a guy walks up named Pablo, and he's got a bunch of shades, and they need- Did you introduce yourself? Did he have a bunch of shades? Did he open up a jacket and show you a bunch of shades?

No, no, no. Castle Rock, no. There's a little crosstalk right there. Penny did Castle Rock. A lot of crosstalk there. That's all right, it was probably both funny. So they all, so we're sitting at the bar and I looked down on the ground

and there's my boss's little bag that was supposed to be in a secret pocket, but it wasn't in a secret pocket anymore, it was on the floor, And the waiter picked it up. So I'm trying to negotiate this back out of the waiter's pocket to get it back into my boss's pocket. But meanwhile, the rest of the party intakers want more. I just, for the listener, we do, this is debate style.

So as this story, if there's conflict, your microphone is off until he's done talking and then you can correct him. Okay, back to you, candidate Kenny for winner of the argument. But, so I go by shades and they- From Pablo. From Pablo.

Who's your friend? Leaving the cocaine in the limo? Wait, the cocaine already got put back into his pocket. It cost him another 20 bucks to get his own coke back. Well, he kind of skipped over that part because I interrupted laying down rules. So you, the waiter picks up the coke. He's like, oh, my lucky day.

He's happy. I said that and see. Yeah. No, they all spoke English. Yeah, they did. These guys were all, I think they were all from Naco or close to more of the US. But anyway, these guys were all in, I think they were all from Naco or close to more of the U S. But anyway, so here we are. Now they all want more.

But they probably have like forty dollars worth of blow left to last three days, which with my girlfriend there. Mexican? No. Pace wise. No, with my girl there, that's a Hoover. That's one line pretty much. So they're all out of drugs pretty much. And the only person with balls to even try to figure out where to get more is me which I did which I did it my job correctly after I bought my cigars from Pablo which he's already gotten $70 out of me which is fine because Pablo was alright for a minute what's his sign? Slippery when what?

He just had giant shades. He just had a giant shades board with shades hanging off it. That was his sign. But you just know too much about Pablo and the money he spent there and why he kept going back. How many chihuahuas is Pablo? Pablo, I didn't see under his cigars in his bag, so I'm not sure how many chihuahuas he had.

Andy got tight with a Costa Rican once, and I don't know if this leads So so I asked Pablo where to get the extracurricular activities. Oh, yes. Oh, I go I go I go He says a hundred a hundred and fifty dollars and I'm like, is that pesos and he said no 150. Okay fine He goes he doesn't take my money comes back. He hands me this bag Excuse me in this bag Right away. I'm like yeah Pablo got a little little frisky on me he hands it's like a five dollar bag of Reggie weed, which is stems and seeds and

then there's some white paper in it and Then there's a little white baggie one white baggie and I the first right away the bartender says go check before he leaves Okay, so I go to hell. No, I. I opened it back and I pulled out paper paper paper paper baggie five dollars of Reggie weed I'm like, oh hell no that ain't for 150 american dollars. That is not fucking happy. Does that include the shades? No Or the cigars. Yeah, that's a ripoff So right away, I went

right back to him like a dummy and. Yeah, let me give you another hundred and fifty. No, I demanded my money back. I said, here's yours. Here's your, here's your **** Did you did you threaten to fill out a comment card? No. No, I did not. I'm

gonna get on Trip Advisor and you're gonna be so sorry. I wish I could spell better. I'm trying to keep calm and stay quiet so I don't draw attention to us, but I can't not draw attention to us because we are the only people in this place. And I'm like, this isn't what I want. And there's six of you at this point. Yeah, but they're all...

I want to know, like, when you dropped the cocaine, like, he dropped it. He didn't know he dropped it. But is it... Are you at a dinner table? We're at the bar. We're literally at the bar. And the guy says right at your feet, oh, my lucky day. Yes, right there. Rather than, is this yours?

No, he said, my lucky day and put it back in his pocket. What is... I want to... The microcosm of what is this, what do you say? Where you go, oh, I have to get that back in my boss's pocket. What was the exact interaction? I watched it float. When he reached into his pocket, he pulled out his cigarettes and it came with his cigarettes. So it basically came out.

So you didn't see it on the floor? No, I saw it float down onto the floor. Okay. And he said, oh, my lucky day out loud. He's watching the same thing I'm watching. Oh, he said, oh, this is my lucky day. Picked it up, put it in his pocket, set it right next to us.

We're right in front of him. And then exactly what happens next? Well, I... Didn't say anything? Had to talk him out of getting it back to the boss, but it still cost him 20 bucks. Don't talk, like, colorfully. Tell me exactly.

Did you say, hey, wait, that's my boss's right away? That's pretty much his right away, yeah. Pretty much right as it happened. And then what? And he said immediately, oh, sorry? No, he said, well, I don't know. He basically tried to play to get him to have to pay for it, is what he did.

He wasn't going to just give it back to him, like any normal person would. Do you regret not hitting the Rosetta Stone before going down there? I should have hit Rosetta's own a long time ago, according to Doug. All right, so you don't really remember how this whole thing. No, I do.

That's exactly how that happened. Okay, your time is up, sir. The other candidate for win this argument. So obviously I didn't realize I dropped it. And the guy, they started joking around. He's like, yeah, I found it. And I searched my pockets, I go, yeah, that's mine. And they're laughing and I'm like, oh, shit.

I was like, finders keepers, you know, fuck it, whatever. And then I give him, I was like, here's 20 bucks. He's like, I was gonna give it back to you anyway. But here's, I was like, you guys aren't making any money. You know, there's 10 of you guys here. You're all cool as shit. And I'm a restaurant guy, so I like to tip. So I'm just tipping everybody.

And so yeah, I gave him that 20 bucks. He gave it back to me. Okay, see, if you're new to Kenny, Kenny likes to be the protagonist, the hero, and the victim all in the same story. So here's the other thing about the guy, the sunglass guy, is that he's waiting on the sunglass guy to come back, and I ask all the servers there,

I say, hey, is this dude legit? Should we buy drugs off him? And all fucking dudes go, no! They could've told me that before. We did, and then you... Well, I guess you had to give him the money already and he had left. Yeah, and it wasn't like...

Because, yeah, you went back and you'll get it. The guy that's wearing a sandwich board that has sunglasses hanging off of it that are obviously pre-owned. Actually, they were pre-owned. He's on roller skates facing downhill. A lot of roller skates. And says, oh, I have drugs to sell you, gringo. Actually, they found them all on the beach. He's on roller skates facing downhill. A lot of roller skating.

Oh, I have drugs to sell you, gringo. I met a guy. This is going to turn bad for me. Weamo Pablo. And that's... So were the sunglasses legit? No, I lost those. I lost those too later on.

They didn't reflex on them. Did you sell those for bail money? Because we haven't even got to where he has to bail you out. But let's hear Kenny's side first. So I get the money back from this guy and I tell him, dude, I'm not stupid. I don't know what you're up to, whatever. Shame on you. Wait, he did actually give you a refund? Yeah, he did. Fucking see that's a good. Chad, Shank and Andy couldn't even pull that off. Yeah. Oh, I did. And somewhere in Michigan. And he told me he goes, he's like, Oh, now I'm in trouble. You said I don't give a fuck if you're in trouble or not. You shouldn't have ripped me off. And that's that I'm an American. Yeah, just

give me my fucking money back because I'm not paying you $150 for $25 worth of fucking products. Sure, 400 pesos. It's 150 pesos worth of fucking product is what it was. I can do the conversion on it. Let's see. $100 would be 2,000 pesos. So 2,000 pesos. 3,000 pesos for a- I want to know where is your wife during all this? She's separated herself. She would be world starring this in my imagination. You're not going to rip off my husband. No, no, no, no. Oh, your cartel.

Yeah, he'll kick your old cartel's asses. Quite the opposite. Faggots. Quite the opposite. That's what your wife would do. She had a, she was really high on the molly and kind of separated herself and was just from me. Yes, at that point. No, from everybody. It was just kind of disowning out at a table, having fun on the molly and kind of separated herself and was just from me yes it's that point no from everybody was just kind of disowning out at a table having

fun on the beach oh there was a dude underneath that table like guaranteed that's Pedro Pedro I think they were all named Juan Pedro or Jorge but anyways back to you so I did get our money back we finish our little excursion now everybody wants to leave because they're like, oh, we don't want nothing to do with you, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, thanks, guys. You wanted it. Now when it comes back bad, I'm the bad guy here.

But anyways, so we get in the truck. We're all in the truck. The two girls are in the front seat, me, Kristin, and the other lady on the right, and Mike's driving. We're driving just fine. We watch the cop pass us. Wait, we're driving. Hang on. We? Mike's driving. We're driving just fine. We watch the cop pass us. Wait, we're driving. Hang on. I was driving and we both at the same time go, shit, that's the first cop we've seen since we've been here. And then we're driving along. We didn't make it to the stop sign that was

25 feet ahead of us and didn't even see the guy bust the Ui behind us, but he pulled up behind us. Real fast. And as soon as he's behind us, I look back and he's lit us up. Oh, we're getting pulled over. And Mike's like, stops at the stop sign, makes the right hand turn with his turn signal on and stops. And then they come up behind us and he's like, oh. The guy takes off his waiter costume. See, that's where they put his costume.

So I would have recognized. Oh, you bought my sunglasses. So they pull they roll up to Mike and we'll let Mike start with this part of the story because Mike is the one getting accosted at this point. Yeah, so basically they just came up with license registration. So we're going where you're going or where you're from. What are you doing?

So give them all the is their English as good as because I yeah, they're English It was okay not trying to give a Hispanic Mexican accent to the waiters. Hey cool. Yeah, you just made a rather than do a bad Fucking yeah, Long Beach, you know, Long Beach. You know my cousins? You come from my country like these? So they give them all my license and all that stuff, and then they make us all get out of the truck. Two?

They just made me a police cop? Two cops, good cop, bad cop, by the way. It was very good cop, bad cop. Danny Trejo and then the, One very serious guy, and then the other guy's like, hey guys, what's up? You know, he was trying to be real cool with us. Hey, do you have any coke on you? So no, I get out of the truck and I know I have that in my pocket. So as I'm walking around to the back of the truck, I pull it out, put it in my palm, get to the tailgate, which is closed,

and I slide it in the tailgate. Then you saw the dog, but then you saw- No, no, no, so I'm like, I'm okay, we're good, and then they search me. I'm like, yeah, whatever, search all my pockets, search the truck, I had like a bag of money in there, but it was like $200. It was basically like, when we left, it was like $200. It was basically like when we left,

it was like it was the change from the restaurant I had brought with us in case I needed extra cash. He carries a bag of money to impress 23 year old girls. It was $100 in fives, $100 in tens. So they're all loose and crumpled. So they go, they're searching the truck and I open the tailgate and I look down and that's not the bag of Coke,

that's the receipt from the bar. That's when I realized in these super secret board shorts that I had just bought, at the very bottom of the pocket is another secret pocket that I had tucked it way down in and didn't realize. So they searched my end and didn't find it. You know, the federales are gonna watch this podcast and have an immediate training session.

You don't know about the Secret Pocket. I'm not telling them the brand of shorts I bought. See, I just did that. And that was our plan. And they even have Secret Pockets inside, too, where you hide your keys and all that shit, too. But, so that's what they pulled everybody out, searched everybody, so I can search the truck up and down. I'm not sure. I don't know. Yeah. But uh so that's what

they pulled everybody out. Search everybody. If I can search the truck up and down. I had a. How deeply did you get searched? No uh like just close. Just pocket. There's twenty-three year old girls. Are they crying? No. What did

they like? What is your wife? He's not even out of the car. She's still in the back of the truck. They didn't search her? No. They searched her purse. They go through the rim of the hat. They go through the girl's purses. And one of the girls also had the Bollie in her change bag. Is that what they call it now?

But they didn't find that either. Apparently, these guys are not the best detectives. Well, they don't have to be. They can just go, oh, we have a law against having a shaved head. Apparently these guys are not the best detectives. Well they don't have to be. They can just go, oh, we have a law against having a shaved head. Are you a member of a neo-Nazi party? $1,500, or fuck off.

So they're searching me right next to Mike, and he actually feels my pockets, and I didn't even realize that I had this, it was a joint container that comes, you know, what you get from the dispensary, that comes comes with a joint but it didn't even have a joint in it had the cardboard part of the joint no we know there was no trace of weed on this car filter of a cigarette basically yeah inside this thing and he instantly all you know this marijuana illegal and I'm like marijuana is illegal in Mexico that's exactly how he said it and

then I'm like think you think I'm lying? I'm like, there's not even any way he's I'm not trying to. And at this point, I said, what can we do? I'm thinking to myself, what are we going to do? I've got only like 70 dollars in my pocket. Plus, I've never made love to a man before. So be gentle. I know that's not how it works.

I've just he's already pulling down his pants. I know I saw this coming in a dream. No, no, put off your pants. No, so from there, they, They actually said, you're coming with me. And I'm like, wait, I'm getting arrested? He's like, you're going to the police station. I'm like, oh shit.

That's when shit got real in my head. And they go, they look at Ili, they go, we're going to take her too. And I looked at him, I said,'m like, oh shit. That's when shit got real in my head. And they go, they look at Ili, they go, we're gonna take her too. And I looked at him, I said, no, I'll go with you. Instead of taking Ili, she's like a hundred pound. She was a tiny little girl, you know, like, no, I'll go with you. So at that point I pulled the bag of cocaine

out of my pocket and my wallet and I hand it to the girls in the truck and I get in their truck. I gave them all my shit too, out of my pockets, my phone and my line, whatever. He was like, here, hold my wallet. Wait, so they found the roach in your pocket while you were getting padded down.

Oh, no, no, the filter is the roach. So it wasn't a roach at all. Yeah, and then they found Ily's empty packaging and hype. And that's what they're, how do you say legal and blah, blah, and then I'm like. The reasons of the illegals. So they put him in the front seat because they know he had the money,

and they put me in the back seat. And the mean guy's driving, and the talkative guy's driving, the good cop's in the back seat. How's your day going other than these? And I'm trying to ask. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how do you like the fray?

Hussle. Oh. Sorry. Sorry, we're just, we're our last. You're doing all, you're breaking all the rules. Our last desperate grasp at keeping this podcast alive is to appeal to racists. Yeah.

We're using someone else's playbook. Do you mind if we pull over and take a nap? That's well even though they were pulling us over knowing that we've been at the bar whatever they let one of the other girls dry to go pick us up. So basically they followed us in the truck to get Mike so Mike could go to the ATM. There was no DUI check. They were just threatening with that shit. While we were driving from the place we got pulled over

to the police station, the guys trying to explain to us, well, you're gonna have to go see a judge and it's gonna be $650 per person. And then obviously I'm reeking of booze, so they're like, you're gonna have to take a breathalyzer, and that's when I just start going, all right, what can we do? What can we, like what, to just get rid of all this.

And he goes, well, okay, so $650. I get a bag of cash in my truck, you want, just take the whole fucking bag. I wish you would have done that, and the cash in my pocket, I had like another $ cash in my truck. You want to just take the whole fucking bag. I wish he would have done that. And the cash in my pocket, I had like another 200 in my pocket. So if he would have just taken the 400, it would have been great.

But then they go, you need to go. He fucking takes my phone, puts, goes to the map, pins the ATM on my phone. He goes, okay, this is where you need to go. On his phone. He opens up his OnlyFans account. Somehow they're tracking you. Who do you think could find an ATM quicker

in that, a whore or a cop? It's a trick question, because they're the same thing. Trick question. So yeah, so they let me out of the truck. I get in the truck and the girls are freaking out, like, what's going on? And I was just like, just hold on're just making me go to go get money

So we drive and it's like 10 15 minutes away. That's just did have an ATM right by the fucking police station so Mexican law they if they don't find you guilty they have to Recompense on the gas charges of keep receipts. So yeah, go to the ATM, like I said, two accounts I had, because at first I tried to take it out of the same account, says you can't do that, so I take out 10,000 pesos, transfer the money to my other account.

Luckily I had phone service. Then take the other money out. And in that fleeting moment, you go, well shit, I got 20,000 pesos in my pocket. Kenny's gonna be fine. Don't worry. Don't worry, he's gonna, he'll spend the night in the jail. We'll go get him in the morning.

Yeah, two years, like, water off a duck's back for Kenny. I was starting to think that, because it did take like 40 minutes for him to come back. It was far away. It's kind of like, like that that because it did take like 40 minutes Yeah, it was far away You kind of like that would like that's what it would take to get you away from your wife Yeah, Kenny didn't even offer to give any money up at first She had the money in her fucking in her purse to pay me to get me to not even have to go But no, she didn't even say a word. I'll fuck any one of you guys. She was videotaping Get arrested as a matter of fact

I know. I know. You leave him in jail and then he's all like, oh, this ain't so bad. And then she ends up getting locked up with him. That'd be my luck. And the cops are like, okay, you guys can go. We've had enough of this. Yeah.

We're letting all the prisoners who overheard you go, too. So how did you, so did you settle on $1,300 because that's what your ATM limit was? No, he said 1,300 and then I go, okay, what's that in pesos? He goes, Bente Mio, which is 20,000. So he went. Because I do speak a little Espanol and I was a number of your food.

You have a taqueria that should have just be called the taco shop. It's because most people can't even pronounce taqueria is to carry a and it's a and it's also hard to spell. Well taco shop wouldn't been as cool the tattoo. So we come back probably say if you buying by the letter I'm not I'm sorry having a side issue per letter. Yeah taco shop would be cheaper than taqueria. Well, it's not.

Well, you don't have to hit the space bar. If you had tattoos from every job you've had, would you be? If they offered free tacos, I'd have them. Be like Post Malone. Yeah. Yeah. Jelly roll on your. No. Wait, hang on. Every job he's had or everyone he filed a 1099 or a W-2. I don't know how taxes work.

I have a guy. Anyway, back to how did you get to the fucking $1,300 figure and how much of a problem did you fucking was Kenny about it? Kenny was no problem at all, but the Cop was like all right, you know like it's 650 per person American which is like alright 1300 Ah Bullshit cuz you know 20,000 peso. I'm like, okay, and that's in my mind I'm thinking that's 1,300. And until I pull the money out, I go,

fuck, that's only 1,000 bucks. 1,052. Maybe with bank fees, too. I don't know. But so I get back, drive back, and jump back in the truck with them, hand them the money. And since they're counting it all. Good cop counting or bad cop?

Yeah, good cop. I don't think we should do this no more. The good cop is still in the backseat with me. And then he counts it out, looks at us and goes, OK, you guys are good to go. And then he hands me my my ID back, a big ass knife I apparently had in my truck. I had no idea I even had that in my house. Well, you have weird people stay at your house.

That's another podcast altogether. And then, yeah, he goes, okay, good. And he goes, give me a fist bump. And I was like, fuck you. And I got out of the truck and we left. And then we drive around the corner to the OXO, which if you've ever been to Mexico, OXO is the Circle K or 7-Eleven.

I mean, they're every four blocks. And I walk in and I buy the biggest bottle of tequila I can find, plus some beers for the drive home. Because I am fucking just jazzed and juiced and just like, motherfucker, I'm so fucking mad. I'll show them drunk driving. Yeah, I'm going to get there so fucking fast. I had to ride in the back of the truck. So yeah, oh, that's what they because we had the two girls in the front seat because there was so many

of us. And they were like, Oh, no, it's okay if you like, you know, like in 1982, fucking 1982 fucking hot American summer or something where we had, oh, we're jammed in three to the front seat, like broads on both sides of me. And all the girls, we could have put all the girls in the back and just Kenny in front is what we should have done. But we didn't.

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slash free Stanhope. Apply it across seven boxes, new subscribers only, varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to HelloFresh.com slash free Stanhope. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. So okay, so now you're driving drunk again after... No, I'm completely sober at this point because I'm about to get... The adrenaline's flowing. Point is, you're angry driving with a bunch of underage girls in the front seat. They're 23.

Yeah, yeah, there's some underage. At a certain age, you get underage. You get to drive in the sex trafficking lane? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. So, I'll say, I'm driving home, yes, I'm mad. Yes, I've just done a big shot of tequila and I popped a beer, but I'm also still, yes, I'm mad. Yes, I've just done a big shot of tequila and a popped a beer, but I'm also still driving like a grandma. I'm stopping and everything, doing the speed limit and get back to the house.

And the first person I texted was you. That's what I was looking for. Yeah, the text that I've read. Right. Which I just, when I read it, all I thought was Kenny's to blame. Well no, then we went off the rails and got really fucked up.

At home? At home. All right. And then we all ended up out in the fucking water. It was also a full moon. It was fucking crazy beautiful out there. So you had Mexico right in your own pool. Mm-hmm.

A pool? We did have a pool. No, there's an ocean. The ocean is in your own pool. A pool? We did have a pool. No, there's an ocean. The ocean is right on our point. That's what was going to be my question was how often did you go into the actual ocean? How many minutes would you say? Once we got home? The entire vacation.

How much time did you spend in the ocean? So this is what's weird is where the house is, when it was low tide, it was like 200 yards out and you had to walk over a frickin' coral reef to get out there and then you kept walkin' and walkin' and walkin' and it was maybe waist high at the best and when it was high tide, there was no beach. It was slamming against the house.

So there was like kind of this sweet spot that night where it was like maybe 10 feet off the house where we could get in the water and we're all kind of floating around and laughing blah, blah, blah, and then sand fleas or water fleas. I don't know what the fuck they were but it started biting me in my back. Like, all right, get the fuck out of here.

Is this your first time getting conned into fucking Rocky point? Yes Yeah, my last joby did joby was our first fucking con man It'll be great and it was New Year's Eve. I think or something and so it's fucking still freezing No, no one goes in the fucking beach no closest beach to us. It's it's a six hour fucking drive. If you don't get pulled over, it's just if you do go out,

it's by fucking chicklets and shit. And if kid is tugging at you and he's starving, but he's fatter. That was the next night. So you guys never even asked about what happened while I was in the truck. Oh yeah. One, they went to go get the money and the conversation that we had.

I noticed when I'm sitting in the back of the truck, I noticed that these guys had three phones each. So I'm like, okay, these guys, this is their whole game. And then I'm watching, looking around the surrounding area and I'm watching all these other trucks do the same shit. They're all rolling up, backing in, and then sitting there not getting out, not doing nothing. Guys coming up, rolling up, getting into cars, grabbing something, coming out, handing something to somebody, then they drive off. I'm like, whoa, shit. And I'm like, so

am I under, what would happen if they didn't come back? And they didn't really answer the question. I said, am I even under arrest? He says, well, no, if you were under arrest, you'd have handcuffs on. And I'm like, wait a minute. So basically I'm just being pretty much kidnapped for ransom. It's a profit game. So I asked him, I'm an idiot and asked him, I said, so how much do you guys actually make? What do you guys make for pay?

Do you guys get paid for this? And he's like 450 pesos every 15 days is what they get paid. Today we do. So, at first, after 20 minutes or so, I'm starting to think that Kristen Conmichen is not coming back for me. Because, well, talked him into not coming back. Whatever position he likes, I guess, I don't know.

Well, let's just say I'm easily manipulated. Yeah, and now he's in a truck he likes, I guess, I don't know. Well, let's just say I'm easily manipulated. Yeah, and now he's in a truck full of one, one, well, one, one per, one lady and three girls, but they came back, which is good. And I ran back to the truck as fast as I pretty much could through the tail down, through the tailgate down and jumped into the fucking back of the, under the bed of the truck and said, shut it leave it leave it shut and he

did and that was the way I rode around Mexico for the rest of the time we were there so what night you were there for what Tuesday night that was to we got there Monday evening this was Tuesday afternoon and a Tuesday night so you had you drank a bunch of braggadocia right after the event oh yeah now you're like angry drinking with adrenaline. Yeah, I'm just glad I'm not in jail. What was the serotonin low the next day where, no fuck you, just get breakfast sandwiches, I don't care.

No, no, next day was super, no next day. They fought the whole time. It is throbbing and it's getting. He was yelling at me the whole time, it doesn't make it better. He was busy compiling an email to the employees about how they're gonna have to take a pay cut due to unforeseen circumstances.

Very strongly worded letter to the management. Yeah, dear Mexico I am not happy. I thought about trying to figure out a way to write. Here's our fact checkers get on your phone and see if Mexico has a Yelp page. Have you checked our Airbnb? Do they have a Yelp page? Our Airbnb? Well, his Airbnb.

Actually, VRB. Sorry. Our. Whatever. I was trying to. VRBO. Because VRBO, you don't have to stay with a host. That's their whole commercial. Oh, nice. So we're floating in the ocean the next night.

I'm not drinking anymore because now I'm just scared to drink. And I don't realize what the current does. Is that like he deserves a chip? He drank once. Oh, I forgot about this. Hey, I was having fun until the back of the police car, a truck.

But yeah, so now I'm out in the water with Just the girls Kristen of course doesn't want to go with me to the water if I don't know what the fucker deal was She'd gone to bed. I think yeah, that's this well. She just went late in bed. She didn't go to bed She just went laid there to be mad at me So I just went and laid out into the water I was just I don't I've only been in the ocean once other than this and I barely put my toe in in California because that fucking water is cold. So here I am having a good time floating around not

realizing that the current is taking my skinny ass further and further away from the spot parallel. Well I'm just I'm not even swimming. I'm literally floating. I'm just chilling. And next thing you know, I'm hearing I'm barely hearing like, yelling. And I see that I see one of the girls run up to the house. And then I see Mike come running down with with the girl and they're in the water. This is they're like, fuck, 500 yards away. And I'm just still floating around. Much better to have sucked to spend that money to get him out of jail. Really have him drown. Well, that that's the thing.

The girls run up there like, we can't find Kenny. And I'm sitting there just fucking hammered and really high and just going, oh, fuck. He'll be fine. That's what I said. He's just in jail. They're like, get him up. That was just dirty.

So he's in jail. He'll be fine. I ran out there. I'm like, Kenny. Like, screaming, like screaming, like trying to get out of the water. I'll throw another thousand if you come back. And then, yeah, he finally shows up like behind us.

Hey, guys. Don't know what you got. No, Nina comes walking down the beach, and she's in a straight line, and that's when I realized that I think they're looking for me, and I let her walk all the way up to pretty much standing to this mic right here before I announced that I think they're looking for me. And I let her walk all the way up to pretty much standing to this mic right here before I announced

that I was right there. This is like, I killed them all. Like, this is confession. I let him walk all the way, because this is why you're still with that woman. Because, oh, I couldn't hear him. They thought I was dead. And I let him come all the way up.

Look, I couldn't hear them until she was right there anyways. But then I realized that they were looking for me. And then I was like, I've been right here while I thought I was in the same spot the whole time, but I wasn't. But then she's like, I found them, blah, blah,la blabla and then like cool. I go back to the house The water was great right then. I don't know why everybody ran away Pablo skated down and jumped into the ocean. So the next day fucking pop. So the next day we get up and I might not have good weed. I yeah, I was out of weed at this point

I don't only had pretty much done with, there was no weed left. Thunder just struck, you know, I believe it's because you're telling fibs. I'm not telling fibs. Not yet. You haven't yet. The angels are bowling. So, so we get, they're wanting to go to this,

they're wanting to go eat. And I don't know what was going on. I didn't feel fucking like much. I just was like, okay, whatever, we're gonna go eat. I have to ride in a back of the bumpy ass truck. That's fine. So we go eat at this restaurant. Of course, again, it's just us.

And I get something I thought was a tostada, which turned out to be a grease. Listeners at home, especially audio listeners, this is Kenny at Open Mic before he was banned. Um, you know when there's a street joke, three guys walk into a bar, but as a comic, people want to tell you that story with the longest possible version.

Is the flavor of the tostada in this story essential to the storytelling? Well, yeah, because I didn't eat the fucking sopa. It turned out to be a sopa, which I didn't know what it is. Is that important to the end of the story? Well, yes, because this is all lead. Three guys walk into a bar, is my version. Your version is this guy named Carl,

who has a club foot that is not fucking pertinent to the story and he comes into a bar with his two friends. One's a Packers fan. This joke has nothing to do with the bar. Two priests and a rabbi walk in. They ordered the breakfast sandwich. Yeah. All right. Get to the part where Mike talks. So we go to dinner at this place and it's like these like everything is fucking cavernous down there. It's these huge places because again, hold all these kids for spring break. And we're the only obvious gringos that are fucking there. So everyone like everyone's trying to hit us up for money or something.

And while we're sitting in this restaurant, no, it's actually after we left, Kenny's like, yo, they're washing your truck over there. So I started hitting the alarm on it, going, do, do, do, do, do, do. The guy just keeps washing away, washing away, and then once we finished dinner, which was actually pretty not good at all.

You know. Yeah, authentic Mexican food, when they say that, you go, oh, it's got like knuckles in it? Well, no, I had the octopus, and it was not good, because that's one of my favorites, but you have to go to a small little hole in the wall. Tacorita's not these big ass places who are making mass food for a bunch of fucking idiots.

Big corporate, awkward motherfuckers. Well, authentic in an impoverished country to me says we use every part of the animal, which I don't want every part. Hot dogs are every part of the animal with a wig. Or like Scrapples. Scrapples the lips and assholes are the lips and assholes. My sopa was grease-dripped fry bread,

and it was like fried in grease, I don't know how long it had been in there, but I took one bite and I had to get up and go spit it out in the bathroom because it was that bad. And you go into a place like that that has nobody in there, and then all of a sudden the cooks are pissed,

now they got a table, they gotta fucking cook a whole meal for six weeks. So did you try to hire any people to come with you? No, but, uh. I want to upgrade my staff. When we were, so I'm going to go back to when we were at Wrecked at the Reef and asked the guys if we should buy the drugs off of the Sunglass guy and they said, no, if you do want drugs, there's a strip

club called Wawa. Okay. And then that's about it. And now the story takes a diversion. So this is the next day and I go, oh shit, there's by Noa. And now, the story takes a diversion. So this is the next day, and I go, oh, shit, there's the strip club. And the girls want to go, but I'm like, ah, fuck. And Quentin Tarantino filmed a movie based on this. No, so the girls want to go, and I'm like,

it's Wednesday in August. What's the talent going to be like? Are you just judging by the humidity of the vag? It's Mexico, it's August judging by the humidity of the vag? It's Mexico, it's August. I don't want to be close to that thing. It's like going to a strip club in the U.S. on Monday at lunch.

You're not gonna have the A talent. But they might think your talent scouts from America. So, no, we end up going, because the girls go, we've never been to a strip club. I said, well, fuck, why didn't you say so? Let's go. So we go in and they were the only people, they're not, nobody's dancing, nothing.

They're just all hanging out. And we walk in, sit down right on the stage. And I'll tell you this, I was dead fucking wrong. The girls that were dancing were absolutely gorgeous. Every one of them. From Columbia? Probably. Who knows? Costa Rico, you'd go to the whorehouse and you go, wow, these are some of the hottest and every

one of them were from Columbia or Columbia? I have been to... And the locals. Yeah. Columbia is the richest kind. No, I've been to Costa Rica once and when I was in Costa Rica, I did hook up with a Colombian woman. And it was one of the best times I ever had. It was fucking great. How many pesos was that? Zero. That one was free. Where's that cat? That was just pure charm.

Yeah. Derek, shut that cat up. All right. So I'm at the strip club with my girlfriend, which sucks. Yeah. Are you looking at her? She's not looking at the girls. I wasn't looking at anything. I was staring at the floor the whole **** time. While she's handing me $3 at a time to give to these girls and I'm like, this is $3. I realized early on in this podcast that my biggest

mistake was doing this with you too. I want, I should have gotten his version of the story and I'm like, I'm not gonna give you $3. I'm not gonna give you $3. I'm not gonna give you I realized early on in this podcast that my biggest mistake was doing this with you two. I should have gotten his version of the story and then let you watch it and pause. Because if you weren't here,

because he started immediately with the boss man shit. Oh, I needed to make sure the boss man got his cocaine back. And then I realized, your power dynamic, you're abusing him sexually somehow. But now I realize the real thing would be to get his fucking wife here

with three shots of tequila in her and then fucking debunk everything. Yeah, well, if you weren't such a fucking fembot, no matter what he said, she'd yell at him and we'd have conflict. But you can't do it. That wouldn't last five minutes. I'd run away.

Just say, sorry, this isn't a shock podcast. Yeah. That's what it was supposed to be. But no, Kenny, Kenny gave the whole truth. Nothing but the truth. And except for the part where I asked the waiters if we should buy drugs off. Yeah, I forgot that part because I didn't, it wasn't there. I was trying to buy. Oh, I was trying to buy drugs from the truth. And except for the part where I asked the waiters if we should buy drugs off them. Yeah, I forgot that part.

Cause I didn't, wasn't there. I was trying to buy drugs. I was trying to buy drugs from the sunglass guy. Who I thought was legit. I tried to get the staff to agree on anything, but they all agreed. We're gonna have to have a staff meeting about this. So there we are at the strip club.

And we did not know that this was a full nude strip club either. Oh man. And I'm so, I am trying so hard not to look at these girls and then this one comes out and she was kind of hot, she had short blonde hair and she's on the stage and she's, they're all going. She would have been fine if she had a G string. Well it came off and she had nothing which then she's.

And then. Crazy. She was twerking and she did this, and she literally realized that Kristen was my girlfriend, so I know she purposely got in my face and did the old twerk drop, dump truck move, where she dropped her cheeks to the ground and just opened right in my face, spread, and I could not help but look,

and I'm like, whoa. When a queef turns to a yawn is the name of that album. You would've thought that, but it wasn't. Like he said, you would have thought you were getting the D girls, but no, this girl was. No, they were gorgeous. I think we stayed for about four or five dancers. That was their Super Bowl.

And I only saw one. That was their Super Bowl. I think we threw out $30 per dancer too, at least. Yeah, we made some money. In my case, it was a dollar at a time, which was like, just here you go, as my case, it was a dollar at a time, which was like, just here you go, and I'm throwing it in, not looking. Yeah, but we were bickering the whole time,

and I'm trying not to bicker, but. Well, then the last night after the strip club, we all go back to the house, and everybody's wrecked. So Kenny falls asleep on the couch. I go lay on the other couch, start watching some alien shit and fall asleep. And then the girls party all night. And they wanted us to go skinny dipping

in the ocean with them. Now that's not a gift. I was like, yeah, I'll be right there. And I went to my room and I passed out. Let's not forget this. And this is- He's married, so he has a reason he couldn't. No, no, no, no.

She is, no, Kristen is antagonizing me at this point to go skinny dipping. She wants to see- Go ahead. She wants to see the head. She wants to see helicopters. He kept saying, Oh, yeah, she wanted me to. She wanted us to helicopter. Oh, I thought you meant like TMZ. No. We're getting fucking we're getting a footage of Castle Rock,

Kenny naked on a beach, breaking news, which actually got me in more trouble than going skinny dipping with the girls, which I should have just fucking went skinny dipping because I would have been in the same amount of fucking shit anyways. So I wake up to her yelling at me saying, no, no, they all wake up.

Oh, there it is. Two. No, they all didn't because it's how you couldn't hear shit in this house. If you were at the door, I was in the living room. Everybody would start hearing these. It was like soundproof. Asking.

Yeah. The whole place. You couldn't hear one thing from the other room. All right. Just just checking in. The ceiling would took it took all the sound because it was a dome and it just sucked it up into the I don't know why, but you couldn't. It's fizzing.

She's literally yelling at me at one of one thirty in the morning to just stay out on the couch. I'll just throw all my shit, blah, blah, blah. and I don't even know what's going on because I'm asleep Oh my shit bloody blood The best part of the story I'm gonna put all your shit out on the lawn because she forgets you're not at your house Yeah, yeah, I'm breaking up with you. I want your shit out of here right now So I go back into the room and right when I lay down, she...

I know she's not asleep because she looks at her phone and checks the time and goes, ah! And then goes on and on about us not doing, you know, anything while we're on vacation and I'm like, there's fucking people in the other room. There's plenty of actions. I'm not trying to fucking be all... Yeah, it's not... Your jaw's not even loosened up.

Yeah, exactly. You don't want to fuck me because you want to fuck all the really hot women there. Or Mike. Or Mike, because at this point now she thinks I'm gay. You're gay or you're a pedophile. You've been walking around in a goddamn sarong all night. What the fuck? Those children are barely out of high school.

They're 23 and you wanna fuck them and Mike and not me. How many times do you have to pound your wife just because she'll shut up for three or four minutes? 30 seconds. Let's get real here. Either way. But no, I don't do, I don't, I can't, fighting and way. But no, I don't do it. I don't... I don't... I can't...

Fighting and sex doesn't turn... I don't get... I don't... Yeah, this shit doesn't work for me. So I'm like, if you're trying to get laid, this shit's not gonna work. You yelling at me to get laid isn't gonna work. So basically, she just fucks that one all up. I want to pause this. I want to pause this. See? Then you'd get laid.

I'd like to pause right now just to say I had a similar relationship with my brother's ex-wife while she was a wife, ex-ing, and then after an ex-wife, where we didn't like each other, but we could have a nice conversation. And that's how I have a relationship with his wife. So if she hears this, where I repeatedly talk about how awful she is as a person to him,

I get along with her fine. But you know, she'd fuck you if she was left alone for a second and you were young and had a boner, but I don't. They make pornos out of that stuff. Well, only my stepmom. Yeah. I've never seen one in either a porno or his wife fucking you. I've never seen it. I've never fucked your wife. I've already tried to sell.

I've already tried to fuck your wife. He tried to push her off on me once. I did really? Or twice. Maybe three times. I think I might have done that on YouTube with my wife. Maybe three times in a row. Just fucking get, help me out here.

Maybe there's a service where you get someone to fuck your wife. So you feel so bad. One of my other friends took me serious and did do it, so. Well his fucking, Andy's wife turned Jehovah's Witness so she could pretend she doesn't want to get fucked anymore So oh no, it's not your decision Andy. It's God's decision

I found a God that told me that I shouldn't be fucking you anyway. Yeah, not in the asshole anyway Doesn't go they're against it. That's Can't I can't, I can't. So Thursday, when Thursday came rolling around, we were talking about staying an extra day, which that you could tell right when everybody woke up Thursday, we were just fucking done. Everybody was like, fuck this, we're out of here. I'm getting yelled at because I didn't go helicopter

the night before with them in the fucking ocean. So I'm mad because I should have just went and fucking gotten the ocean with the girls and. I should have yelled at her because she put fucking dish soap in the goddamn dishwasher. Yes, you should have. Flooded the whole fucking goddamn kitchen. Fucking stupid. And I sat there with a mop for an hour and a half

cleaning the fucking kitchen floor. How dumb can you be to put this shit in a dishwasher? Andy, Andrew's dumb and I stopped taking Andy on the road because we'd step on each other's jokes, and then once I realized I don't care about the business, I go, I just miss Andy, and I want to go back on the road and step on each other's dicks

and fucking make sure we accidentally put fucking dishwashing soap in the comedy condo thing and flood it, and all the funny stories we had Disappeared when I started making money, so I'm gonna stop doing that. We're gonna start start having fun and be broke You're what like three times in the last month. Yeah almost lives here. No we're working on it. We're working on it Yeah, yeah, all right. Oh good We just wait for Kenny to fucking know Be desperate enough to kill it

Um, I'm not the one that's gonna be getting Episode a wife swap Kenny comes to the gene and lives with my wife Who'd who would last longest. I'll never hit a woman first unless he won't shut up. I never heard of a sure as hell, she does shit out of a bitch. Grab her head like a half a fucking grapefruit. You're going to squeeze. That's in a bit. I've never hit a woman, but I've maybe not met the right woman yet.

I think we're how does it we're going to end the Mexican vacation cuz that's how this whole thing so here we go we're leaving we're finishing up we still have they still have like I want to say a gram and a half of fucking Molly left and and they don't know what to do with it they're not gonna throw it away they throw it in some water he heats it up gets it all melted and Illy's coming out the door and she's like I can't I can't take this So I'm like I just and and motion I just grabbed the bottle don't even think about it because Kristen's not anywhere around She doesn't see me and I said I just did what any hero would do and I stuffed it under my under my seat in the car

So here we are. We're driving back to the to the states. We're behind them You couldn't have brown pocketed it. And we get into the, we get into the, to Senoida, and right as we pull into Senoida, to our right is a fucking federally, whatever the fuck, truck. Not local cops. These weren't cops, these were like,

the big boy. Machine gun on the back of the truck. And these dudes all had face, all had their masks on, shades, a dude standing hanging off this fucking 50 cal, with six dudes around him holding machine guns and they get behind us. And they're behind me. Who's behind me right now?

Um, Kelly, your favorite. Just saying. So no, I'm driving. You didn't realize that cop flipped a bitch before the 25 yards before his stop sign. I know who's behind me all the fuck the time. Well, I'm trying not to get paranoid, okay? And I'm driving, they's behind me all the fucking time. Well, I'm trying not to be paranoid. Okay. And I'm driving, they're behind me, and I can see the fucking federality behind them,

and I'm going, fuck. And Kristen's freaking the fuck out. We're driving 10 miles an hour, if that, like, fuck it, we're going slow. So I pull this bottle of water out from under the seat. Okay, she's yelling at me about, get rid of all the other fucking bottles of Mexican shit that's in there that we're not supposed to take across the line. I'm like, there is nothing and I take a swig of this Molly water. Shut it.

Shove it back. Molly water. Someone is going to pick up that fucking website right now. Mollywater.com. I shove it back under the seat and I just fucking I'm like, like nothing's going on. These people are still behind us. And then on the other side It comes another fucking truck different from the truck that's behind us

This one's all brown and these dudes at same setup these dudes hanging off a 50-cow And there's six dudes in the back with them, and I'm like what is about to happen here We keep going the one truck pulls off But then like 25 feet later gets right back behind us, And I'm like, oh yeah, we're dead. They're shooting us for sure. And we're 100 yards from the border now. It's like, fuck. Wow.

I'm an American citizen! I'm a citizen! I don't belong here! And as we pulled through, as we pulled through the third toll gate, cause we had to tip every like three different people as we went in. There was like three different just people.

You gotta tip the Red Cross. The Red Cross is this bridge and takes money, but they're the people who go out when there's accidents on the highway and they take care of everything instead of police or ambulance or whatever. Because they're too busy following tourists. That was in the directions of our VRBO.

They're like, hey, you gotta tip these people because they do good things. And we do have hearts of gold underneath all this bullshit. I've been giving blood because I have an iron crisis and my blood is too much iron, and the only way you can get rid of it is to get blood out of you. So they offer you, oh, thanks for giving blood.

Now we're going to give you a $20 Amazon gift card. But then they send you some fucking bogus thing. No, no, no. Oh, you can't really. It's always like, oh, try again. Your bonus code didn't work. Write it that, Alex. So yeah, and I didn't want the 20 bucks.

I'm doing it because I have to donate blood. And then you go, oh, you get a fucking $20 gift card. Well, I just gave blood, do I get it? No, they'll email you a thing to tell you that in a month they'll email you another thing. It's the rebate. Oh my God. Your camera's facing the wrong way, sir,

because there's a narista coming in. And if we continue to do this podcast in these conditions, we're going to be either on Weather Channel during hurricanes or we're going to need body bags. Another edit. Will this wind be so mighty to lay low the mountains of the earth. You gotta close with your other ball.

You better pour it. I had no idea what I was saying. Yeah, I know. I just, I was just. I've said it before and you picked up on it. I know, yes. So we have. Let me pour have a shot so

We'll definitely pay for it we'll send you over there again would you go out with Kenny again to Mexico if you're paying for it Absolutely So wait wait Let's talk I almost made it to the finish line you guys Jumped in again. Yeah, yeah. Broke rule number one. Sir, there's your shot. Thank you.

And there's my shot. Close us out, Kenny. So here we go. We get to the line. Now, mind you, I have allegedly been involved in some weird shit. Allegedly. It's alleged.

And so my ID and her ID is probably red flagged when you go through the checkpoints or or the border he takes our IDs and we and they get through in like 10 seconds He looks at us and goes where you guys coming from Rocky Point where you going home to Bisbee cool. Have a good day We roll up this motherfucker takes our IDs Swipes him and he's like where you coming from? This motherfucker takes our IDs, swipes them, and he's like, where you coming from? You know, Rocky Point, where you going home? And then he just starts asking all these fucking random questions out of nowhere,

and he's eyeballing the shit out of me. And he's like, so where were you born? What was, he said, where'd you graduate high school? And I'm like, what the fuck kind of shit? And then he asks her, where are you born? Where are you from? And she's like, Lakewood. What hotel, what hotel room were you in

while he was working that day? Yes, shit like that. And then finally he gives us, and he's like, all right, were you with the guys in front of you? He asks us, were you traveling with the vehicle in front of you? And like, uh, yep. And they're like, have a nice day.

Gives us our shit. Again, we get to the next the next guy that was the first one then we had to go to the next to the american guy that was just the mexican guy we didn't get a mexican guy we just we got two for some reason we had two and it's and by the way i'm the only one you have to vote for jfk i'm the only one out of all six of us that actually has a passport. Well Kristen does too. Kristen's got the passport ID. Yeah me too I have the card. Yeah and so they're on but he's still... Everyone's got driver's license and birth certificate. Mine's all bent. Resonant on it. My what I would get erections and Hey, Lisa's got a crook but in the merits to the right we high five with them later

So we we actually get I'm like get through get through once we get through I'm like drive and then I realize Mike is Over into fucking the gay 90s of wherever we were at station big gas station He's a bar that's down at the border here, but there's a gas station right there So everyone's got to take a leak so we all put we pull except me cuz I'm like I'm the one that's pissed. Yeah, I'm just like let's get the fuck out of here type shit and Finally we get through the border We get through the border You were sorry and we actually make it through and I still I thought he was taking a dump. We get through the border. I think it sounded like you were, sorry.

And we actually make it through and I still. I'm taking a dump behind it. Down under. Sorry if you saw it. In the outback. I'm a little panicked. I think being in a little bit of a rocking room. You move in his pants.

But we do make it back and I never don't, well, don't tell Chris and then I'd carry the Molly back, even though. So we get back. If I can guarantee you two things, your wife cheats on you all the time and she will never listen to our podcast. Probably. And I I don't know if you have to bet that I'm wrong on either account. I don't know where your money goes. I would be broke as fuck because I would bet just to bet against it and I'd lose because that's me.

Anyways, so we get back to Bisbee and I reach under the seat as we're at the Elmos and I pull this bottle back out and it's got a hole in it now because I punctured it as I pushed it back under and it's been leaking in the car for like a day and a half or a day And it's only like this much left in it it was this much when we started and now it's got this much in it, so I just poured it in a glass put some great Kool-Aid in it and Pretty much as one does passed it around to everybody and let them let them go to town on it And that's the end of that story well., you know, we split off in Tucson right there.

Yeah, I text you say we're going to go to Taco Bell. First thing we did when we got back from Mexico, we went to Taco Bell. It's all these motherfuckers want to eat tacos the whole time. We're gone tacos. I'm like, we work at a goddamn taco restaurant. I only want to eat his tacos. You got to lean into it. Different kinds of tacos. You got to lean into it.

They sometimes I'm going gonna go fucking boring but yes I can be not hungry for that taco but very hungry for that. Look I was down to go to the dispensary. After all this I've been to since I've lived here in Bisbee I've been to now Rocky Point but I've been to the San Carlos and Guaymas which is is now my favorite because it's very, very chill. And it's mainly built for older people. When you mean chill, you didn't bring Kenny and his wife. No, we did not. Is it awkward when you bring youngsters to a person's place?

Well, the first time that we went down there, it was the woman I was dating at the time and another couple, and we had rented another beautiful house. They were wearing pineapple shirts. And we just fucking ate mushrooms and swam in the ocean all day. But I lived in Mexico two different times for six months each year just outside Puerto Vallarta. Is this an epilogue to the podcast? No I'm just saying how much I love pretty how I love going to Mexico so much and I love that country But after this story of your trip together is giving such a bad. You're giving a nice authors

Do you hear what they did and I didn't I didn't finish this but when we got back I had dropped everybody off Epilogue I drove home got into my house put up my shit, like brought all my shit in, and just, I've been feeling like shit all day. I hit the bed, went right to sleep, and I woke up like an hour later with chills, everything. Just sick as fuck. And then I slept all night, woke up in the morning, tested Mexican COVID.

See? You had the old... Mexican COVID. Which is spicy as fuck, man. That was the third time I'd have COVID and it was the worst. I was down like... Fighting off the chills. So you just coughed all over Andy and you have COVID?

No, this was two weeks ago. Two trans people here. This is weeks ago. I had it for six days. And I swapped dicks for the night And they used the fucking local contract. I was the only one who didn't get sick. Yeah, so all the girls in my truck ended up with COVID as well.

I was the only one that didn't get sick. The only one who didn't get COVID was Awesome. And me. Well, yeah, because Awesome has every other kind of fucking thing. COVID came from Awesome. We just didn't know it. Right. By the way, Awesome does not like the ocean.

Not one bit. He's a lake and a river guy. He's, he took one dip in the ocean. He was like, fuck this salty ass water and these waves crashing. I'm just gonna sit on the beach and dig. He liked our dogs cause they didn't like anything at all.

Yeah. Okay. And good night everyone. And here's Kenny doing some open mic, maybe rap, maybe. Um, let me drink some more tequila. I'll tell you one little story. It's about the day I got in a fight with my girlfriend and she chased me down the road because of text messaging another girl. So it's seven in the morning and I am on mushrooms and I am avoiding her like the plague, which

I'm doing a very good job at until she finds me walking down Arizona street, I mean Bisbee Busby Road, which is on our road. And she starts yelling at me about my dumb ass adventures. And I avoid her, I avoid her, I yell, I'm like, I don't wanna fight, this is insane. We go back, I leave. Here comes my producer, director to cut me off. I'm just playing. And I leave, and I try to run away, but she's in a car and I'm on foot.

So she chases me down another block, cuts me off and starts yelling at me again. And she's yelling at me about some things. And by the third stop, which is at the four-way stop, if you're from Bisbee and you know anything about some things. And by the third stop, which is at the four way stop, if you're if you're from Bisbee and you know anything about Bisbee. So here I am among among the four way stop and she rolls up and a sheriff lives three houses down from where we're at. And she's yelling at me, just give me all the drugs in your pocket and I'll go away.

And I'm like, what are you doing? So I keep trying to avoid her. I'm like, you you're you're an idiot I don't know what you're talking about I don't have any drugs I don't do that kind of stuff but she insists so I run away pretty much and I try to get away and somehow she needed cigarettes so she stopped and made a pit stop at the corner store and I made it to Derek's house luckily well not luckily And I'm hiding inside the house, but you know, my sixth sense kicked in and I had a feeling that she was getting closer to the area

and I looked out the window and fucking sure enough, she is out front next to the neighbor's house and the neighbor has like 15 fucking people over there for coffee during the whatever, the Solstice moon special that they have every month and I'm trying to keep her calm but I opened the front door to Derek's house and there she is in mid-knock getting ready to knock and all I could see was what I would consider cocaine grizzly 2 and I had to tell her I said honey tryouts

or auditions for cocaine grizzly 2 does not start till next week, please come again, and I shut the door in her face. And then I've laughed for a second, Derek actually laughed, and I opened the door and I went back outside because I know she's gonna cause a scene, which she was. And I'm trying to calmly talk to her out front to say that, look, there's 15 people now

that we are entertaining for coffee, and we're now becoming the news for the Thursday paper if you don't calm down. And she's just like, she says, give me all the drugs in your pocket and I'll leave. And then she keeps repeating this. I just give me all the coke in your pocket and I'll leave. And I'm like, I don't have anything in my pocket.

It's not, you think I'm dumb enough to carry it with me? You should have looked at the house. Sorry. I actually had to get in the car and leave with her because she would not stop. It would not calm down. And I went back home, unfortunately, to my demise because I'm still there.

And yeah, she did find all the drugs that I had and it's raining so I'm gonna end this podcast with don't do drugs folks it are bad for you and if you don't sleep while doing them you become a fucking raging maniac my name is Castle Rock Kenny fuck you guys I love you