The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #565 FunHouse Catch-up with Chad and Andy

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

The gang catch us up on everything they've been up to lately: touching upon their Ukraine trip, the Election Day Party, and finally meeting Whiskey Girl's daughter in the most unlikely of places. Upgrade your wardrobe instantly and save 20% off with the code [STANHOPE] at https://www.publicrec.com/[STANHOPE] #publicrecpod Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/STANHOPESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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tell them we sent you. Say goodbye to pants that put up a fight because when comfortable meets style you found public rec. That'll change. I think they'll be suggesting it in the near future. Well, I fucked up this. We were talking about the implications of a book that I was reading and stuff, and I fucked up. And I was like, well, yeah, it's because of the overpopulation problem, you know. And I was like, oh, fuck, you don't fucking tell the robots that there's too many fucking people. That's how it starts. Yeah, the robots probably have another term for they probably, you know, eliminating the population and probably suicide isn't in their thing. Oh, that's coming up. Maybe we'll tease that the Ukraine podcast is coming.

That'll be our pretty much our grand reopening of this is your new official podcast crew issues with Andy is being half enveloped into this. And there's no one's getting dumped or fired. Just other people had other shit to do. And we can go mobile and go to dumb places. Stan Hope adopted us. Yeah like what you talking about? No it's the man. It's exactly this is exactly different. It wasn't different strokes was a spin-off of uh wasn't it? Anyway never mind. Oh wait or was there a spin-off from different facts of life was a spinoff from different strokes

Yeah, no, no or different strokes. Yeah, I think I Think here it was showed up on facts of life the Gary Coleman and then maybe they were all like somehow from the Jefferson's to where's mrs Garrett came out of she was somebody's maid and then she was Mr. Drummond's maid. Anyway, enough. Ugh. How you? I think it all goes back to Benson.

Six degrees of separation from Benson. Yeah. Yeah, Benson was the spinoff from what? Soap? Yeah. Oh, sorry. That is soap. Soap is what I was looking for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you were right. It is covered soap. So yeah, well, we're here. We're going to get the Ukraine thing out. And we're going to go like this is some shit we're going to do that. So so you're there in real time. But we wanna go, I did the last year, I did a, we all flew back to Massachusetts and I took everyone on a tour of Worcester, every place I ever vandalized when I was a kid.

And then we went to Kreischer's show and he let me go out and open the show as the mayor of Worcester, which no the show as the mayor of Worcester, which no one knows who the mayor of Worcester is and I did this whole fucking, it's a really funny chunk that that'll be the tour of my hometown and we're going to do Chad Shank's hometown and Andy's hometown and do a little magical mystery tours and then I'm open for suggestions of other places. What, what?

I know you're not, you cream kinda guy, but Slab City I think you would enjoy. Slab City's my retirement plan. If Jenny ever, no, if Jenny ever leaves me, I'm gonna go there and become part of the elite, I believe. Yeah, all right. I mean, if all I gotta do is be messed up and violent, I could rise right to the top of that place pretty quick.

We just, I think it's, fuck, is it called Ghost Coffee or something? We just watched a documentary, I think it's on Prime, about Slab City. Fucking, yes, and I go, nah, this is the perfect place. And yes, it's a lot of meth heads. It's a huge percentage of meth heads, but they seem to be, yeah, what do you, do you steal my shit? I don't know. Do you steal my shit? Oh man, yeah. Yeah. I figure as a diplomatic meth head, just go there via meth head, but like, it ain ain't nobody steal anybody's shit or else you're gonna get fucking killed with.

That's what I said to Andy, if we go into podcasts, that's the way to get in with meth heads because they're gonna be distrustful about it. Oh yeah, well meth is the way to get in with meth heads. Exactly, that's what I said and you guys are willing to take the bullet when it comes to the methamphetamine. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've done it a couple times. Was this another accident where you... Well, kinda, yeah.

...toot my pot. I've done it a lot. Well, when I did it, it was in Amsterdam and it was at the end of a long night. I didn't really hear the name methamphetamine, but I thought, you know, I was smoking off a light bulb. So there were warnings. We called it Crank when I did it. Crystal, wasn't it? I guess that's how you...

What would... I don't know if I'm Gen Z or a boomer or what, but that's your generation is what did they call methamphetamine? And it was Prevagen? You might be a Nazi. We's not Prevagen. You might be a Nazi. It's not Prevagen, it's... Pervitin.

We call it crosstops. Oh wow, that's black beauties. That was junior high drugs, is what I would think of those. Is that the same shit they still sell as like truck stop speed Yeah, basically and that's what the guy I found out later that the guy who was selling speed was just Selling a 7-eleven truck. When's the last time you needed to do that? Like you were oh, yeah I remember trying to do a gigs and you're like I gotta fucking get to Boulder by or otherwise Yeah, I used to well like in college

or otherwise. Yeah, I used to, well like in college, when I was in college, you know, if you take it to stay up late for a test or whatever, it's like you just get all gacked out and can't study or whatever. I never enjoyed that drug much. No, those would make me sick. Or college. Any of those would make me very sick, so I didn't do those. And staying up for studying I never studied anyway so staying up missing a night's sleep to not study was not working. I guess when I was young I would do that like we would purposely take way too many just when we were young teenagers we'd go to Friendly's with the bottomless cup of coffee and we were skipping school, so we'd just sit there and drink as many cups of coffee

as we could and kill time. And I remember me and Chris O'Connor drank nine cups of coffee in a day. And I think if I drank three cups of coffee today, I'd be a shuddering wreck. Well, the stomach stuff, you get a heartburn, but drinking, it's like, don't you wish you had just the asshole you had back, like to be able to drink six cups of coffee

and not have some belly aching diarrhea or something. I was never aware of like a poop schedule or what food or drink affected my poop like poop just always was something that happens that oh I get a poop and it was never like I'll get a poop and It was never like yeah, it's it. It's a it's a quality of life thing When it starts, you know if you'd like you, you know, I will not name names But somebody you know has the bag on the side the cloth It's like wow, but he wishes he could take it down through his asshole. Just one more time. I just one more time. I always am very happy with that you know I don't take it for granted like I used to. Yeah you came close. Yeah yeah yeah. You had to

ponder. That's one of the things like I'm constantly trying to negotiate with Jenny because I promised her that I would never kill myself and so now I'm stuck but then I have to give her things like what if I got a Colossus me bag, you know how fucking irresponsible I am. You don't want that, you know around here Have those conversations just with myself. Yeah, all right You know it used to be like anything I'm fucking but then when I got hernia surgery and I go saw how beautiful surgery can be yeah, yeah Just the other fucking knockout drugs. I Mean I didn't there's nothing painful afterwards like he had yeah

I enjoyed the drugs even though I was in and I mean I woke up after post after surgery The first time and it was like oh fuck Yeah, you know I was sitting up and feeling good and everything and that was that was in the recovery room right after surgery the first time and it was like, oh fuck yeah, you know, I was sitting up and feeling good and everything and that was that was in the recovery room right after surgery. Later I had trouble down the road but when I woke up at the height of all the post surgery drugs and the pain relief I was Yeah, feel free to email us at doug.dougstanhope.com and let us know places that you think we should go that are fucking weird and off the beaten path or unknown. Is that a little town in Texas that I've always wanted to go to?

I don't know how much there'd be to film there. Tura lingua. We could take a woman in there to get an abortion. Any town in Texas, that would be an adventure now. So we're just set up a... I thought Andy meant import one like from here. Why would you take them there? Oh no, I get what you're saying.

You know how either the Indian reservation or just the neighboring state of where it's legal or not is where there's no fireworks and whatever, but in Indiana, right there literally on this borderline, there's fucking fireworks right here. We can set up a fucking mobile abortion van right on the New Mexico border. Yeah. Abortion's here. Abortion and fireworks.

The gateway to death. Little celebratory stuff for you to take home that you're free. Yeah. Some sparklers. They have like a cracker barrel. They walk in, there's a little gift shop they gotta go through and then they get their abortion and then they're out in the parking lot. I wonder if a New Mexico cop would fuck with you for that? Like, is it... I wonder if a New Mexico cop would fuck with you for that like just I give if If the Texas cop called them, let's get this is a middle of nowhere is the border

Like hey, have you been to the fucking come on now you gotta stop that Like cops always probably I assume are all fucking Like cops always, probably I assume are all fucking... How much shit do people get away with by just having cameras? No, no, we're just doing a show and oh that's pretty good and then they'll just leave you alone though. You could just really be doing that and then have a camera. We're not really giving abortions in here. Yeah, it used to be, and that's a fucking cool thing I never really thought about, is they would go... They saw you filming something, they'd go, do you guys have a permit?

You have to have a permit to film because they assume it's for television. And now if it's for a podcast, any cop is still going to consider a podcast as lowly as Howard Stern does. Yeah. Well, you need a laminate. We just need a laminate. Oh, we're podcasting. We're not breaking the law, we're podcasting. Well, it's like student films. That's the excuse they always use.

It's like a documentary, right? If it's a university student project, you don't need a permit. Really? Isn't that Helen Mirren? She was doing a gorilla shoot she was a dish when she was younger Oh, I Think Andy's too restless for this town Yeah, well, I yeah well I get up early and then you it is a sleepy town. It's a very sleepy town it's like my hometown of Coquille minus I don't know anybody's backstory so they're all just kind of you know Doug

fills me in when you know there's a few I know they'll look though that I call our furnace face but the one who just walks around and getting you know, son baked from one end of town to the other The homeless lady in black. Yeah. Yes It's like there's a lady around Eugene that I like to watch it She just I think whatever she has just rots off of her clothing wise like and it's fun to watch her Shoes eventually not you know, she's the shoes give up on her and leave and then she'll get into somebody else will give her a pair I was watching them on camera because that's all I've done for three days to sit and watch security cameras

like fucking mr. Burns on his deathbed and I see Andy and he's like it's as though the security cameras are that fucking like a Benny Hill show where he comes into one camera and then he comes out of the other camera then he goes down into this camera and I get one point he's walking around the old merch booth at Chaley's like he's not walking it's walking through the merch booth part like if he's going down to that that wasn't me I don't think I walked over all right not the merch booth it was maybe the this side of the house yeah yeah yeah I was yeah I know it's kind of I need to know where the cameras are then I could

go you know you know you know you're being watched here. Yeah, till the mail showed up. Oh yeah, cuz they saw the mail truck down the street. I go, I do, I like a bad history with garbage cans. You meet the shit out of his garbage. I'm like a cat though, when you when you feel the sun on your face at the right angle sometimes I'll just You know focus on that so but I was waiting for the mail to get delivered So I was out on my sweep, but yeah, there is you know, there's not There's not enough woods to hide out, you know go into or things to disappear from here. Yeah on the road

Wherever I mean what you think is a small town, fucking. And he's where's Andy? We nobody knows where Andy is, but there's a city there. There's I mean, if it's got a comedy club, it's big enough for Andy to wander and find something. I found a place that you can get flip flops. It's about four miles from here. And yeah, I might walk back to it.

Like, wait, you walked walked it didn't decide on what I what I don't like about walking around Bisbee is there's there's eyes behind you know you see a window and you think nobody's sitting in front of their house and of course they all are I ran into him I go you're the young man who's walking around this morning. Oh, couldn't sleep. I saw you up at 530. You know, you think you're just invisible. So I got a different route now to walk. I used to do that with the dogs when we walk in the dogs.

You knew you figured out a path over time where there's not going to be fucking a pack of dogs barking and making a stink but you have to do it not talk to folk. A dog over at the other direction was barking and you know some of them they intimidate you because it looks like they could bolt over the fence and this one did. He bolted over the fence, landed on his head, and then he was too fucking wobbly to mess with me. So I go, and then I go, hey, I think your dog might have, I said, your dog jumped the fence.

And I heard somebody and I said, and I think it might have a concussion. I don't know if they heard that part, but they come running out to get the dog. Yeah, yeah, it's like there's no good place to walk. I felt bad because you kept checking on me and Bingo every couple hours and I felt like it's how does he expect me to get up and it's no way like when there's no visible signs you feel like you might be lying just because you're enjoying it so much to have a reason to stay in bed and that's why the third day I said give me a COVID test and a fucking thermometer and I was so hoping I had COVID just because then I go ah I could stay another two days in bed.

Well you yeah I did not. Yep you're up on day four like Jesus. Jesus might have got up earlier. Oh, he's Jesus. I've been up fucking like that first day. I was sick enough where I was sleeping and I haven't been drinking is the thing. This is like two drinks in a row. It's unprecedented for the week.

I may have. I don't know that I've stopped drinking, but I... Well, yeah, no, I won't say that. Never mind. But I think that my health problem are I get these stabbing pains, and Alex suggested it might be colitis, and dairy related. And I went home and I got fucked up on milk.

Like if you get fucked up on milk, I got some that was nearly expired and guzzled that. I had some cheese and then I had some more milk and no pains. But then when I'm around vodka, when I just have a little bit of vodka a couple days in a row or maybe just one night, then I get these stabbing pains. And I like vodka, I don't like stabbing pain,

so I gotta find some medium in there that maybe I just get gut punched by half doses. Pancreatitis, nope. Yeah. No more of that. Yeah, and ever and I get So if I can just find a Nice booze mix that I can still booze a little without the stabbing pains That's that's my goal for the upcoming year goal for the upcoming year. That and more weed I think. Well my plan aligns with yours Andy. I'm gonna drink socially but only as much as I absolutely have to.

I want booze tablets or something. It's like a, you know, just no mixer or anything, just like a, you know, like a dose of alcohol you can take pill form. I'm sure there are. But like the last party that was here, I couldn't stay up as I was. I had a couple of just light drinks and I planned on not drinking at all. And then at some point when you're not drinking, you know, not to be intolerant of people who are having a good time it's like good god man is everybody got to talk so much and so loud and so I just went in and yeah I think I could not drink at all if I wasn't around drinking but when I am around drinking I feel like now I want to just take like a Xanax so I just can be

sociable and see Xanax really it doesn't work for me if I'm not drinking. It might probably calms me down a bit. I only take it to sleep and I'm always drinking. Except the last three days, I had one drink like the first day. That was we had a party for like I invited 40 or 50 people and hired a band. And I had the pulled pork going overnight and I woke up. Sweet and juicy. Yeah, sweet and juicy. Not the pulled pork, the band. And I'm like I don't know fucking I can't do that and at first I thought I'm just

I'm hungover and then I went I don't fucking drink that much last night and then I was trying to blame that fucking sweet and juicy weed that you said I won't even do that. It was like I'm just coughing just from this horseshit and I thought oh maybe it says that fucking weed and then I realized then I started getting fever and I felt all my everything ached. At some point you came out to lay in the back of the truck which had a pad and it was actually a pretty comfortable area to hang out, but you look like, you look bad. Like you were gray and sweaty and mom's spaghetti

on your sweater or whatever. You looked like you were ready to fucking die. And people, I mean, I don't know, I think when I had chemotherapy that people avoid you when you just look like death or no matter what. I didn't know that you had the flu or anything, but you just exuded like fucking sick. Well, and that's when the band was starting,

obviously a bit late. So I woke up at whatever, eight o'clock in the morning, the band gets here at three, the food's cooked, I can't move, and I'm like, I'll give it an hour. And that hour, like, oh, it's just getting worse. If I go till noon, then, and then at fucking noon, I started making calls, hey, give me fucking someone, like, their shit's ready, and someone chops some onions,

and you guys are gonna have to. Well, me and Chad were, without you and Bingo here, I guess we felt like, you know, we were hosting sort of, but I was like, We didn't feel like it for very long, because Andy went to bed. Yeah, if we felt like we had hosting duties, we were like when, when Chibi Chase had the hosting show or whatever.

We failed miserably. Daytime talk show. Yeah, yeah. No, I mingled around and talked to people. And, you know, like I said, it was a stand. We've got a band and food. The party was set up. I did all that.

I thought that the party would break up because usually there's people just trying to hang around with Stan Ho. You know when it's a party like that where a lot of people I don't know and stuff there's always people... Well I came out I tried to fucking rally I go okay I set that pickup truck with a couple of Shays Lounge mats in the back facing the stage. I go it's a cute place for a couple and I go maybe I'll just take that and I brought out a sleeping bag and I jumped in there and I'm like, it's the awkward part of the party where, that if I invite 40 people, probably no more than eight of them know each other.

Yeah, yeah. So it was that awkward stage where it's just started and no one's drunk yet and there's a few people sitting here and the band has started. But no one's drunk yet and there's a few people sitting here and the band has started but no it's like go band and I feel like I'm responsible to but that's a great thing about being sick like I wonder how we Mandel made that whole thing up like oh I'm OCD so I have to stay over here. Like, I'm sick, don't get close to me. Oh! That pope who used to just have the glass.

Glass, the Pope Mobile? Yeah, yeah, he probably, maybe he wanted to hug people or whatever, but he's just, eh, you know what? Yeah. You get too many colds. Yeah, well, and I did, I mixed with, I talked to Jason. Lindstrom. Lindstrom. Yeah, I go, my mixed with, I talked to Jason Lindstrom. Yeah, I go, my question to him was,

hey, I gotta ask you this, cause this keeps coming up. Are you friends with James Inman? He keeps saying, you know, like, he, you know, oh, he's my friend and we've talked and stuff. And he goes, well, I've talked to him a few times. Wow, on the phone or just on the internet? Maybe over the internet. Yeah. But Jason Lindstrom or maybe here was what I might.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did. Everything glitters is not gold. Now, that's a touching moment Everything that glitters is not gold. Sorry about that. No, that was a touching moment. As an American, it just... I've been ignoring the news, but now I feel at peace with everybody. Hey, no guy wants to lose his hair, right? Everyone wants to have hair like me.

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HIMS give you your confidence back like I have with visibly thicker and fuller hair. Start your free online visit today at hims.com slash stanhope. That's hims.com slash stanhope. Personal hair loss treatment options. Hims.com slash stanhope. Results may vary. Based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride, prescription products require

an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply, see website for full details and important safety information. Support the show and start your free online HIMS visit at himns.com slash Stanhope. Deleted all my Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, not the accounts just the apps off my phone. So now if I want to mindlessly scroll I have to make a conscious decision to either go open a computer or my iPad and usually it's unless I have something witty that I want to say. You're just feeding, you're basically at this point you're just giving AI dialogue.

I'm helping AI fix their thing. You know I'll get AI that's kind of dumb and says shit that I like and then it'll just fall in you know because I've had to correct it twice just today. Talking to Chad GPT, I'm like, hey, that's I've lost in a fucking thought. And Edible is kicking in for sure. But when you're singing, I was thinking, what if that's what we do to open the live comedy part of the show? It's ladies and gentlemen, offstage Mike is saying, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome out to a Tuesday night and fucking Uncle Fester's part of the show is ladies and gentlemen, offstage Mike is saying, ladies and gentlemen, welcome out to a Tuesday night at fucking Uncle Fester's fucking bar and grill in Magic City, Utah. All right. Please give it up for your comedy acts tonight, Doug Stanhope and Andy Andrist. But now opening the show is burgeoning country Western star Chad Shank and he has to just go out and just like acapella a fucking country song and you can never address that it's horrific alright that's I'm putting that in the bag funny

yeah it's just so come up with a bet in bag. I have no way I'll be able to straight face that. There's no possible way. You could smoke meth first. I'm not, listen, I'm not smoking meth for every bit. I haven't smoked meth in years. I'm willing for one bit, but Jesus. Yeah. Well then we'll have the rehab show. I was a kid then. Yeah.

Oh you know what we've been. Oh man yeah that'd be tough to start tweaking or late in life you know because like I don't have any hobbies. There's another destination for I believe October 2025. There's another destination for I believe October 2025. While the leaves are turning, that's when Bobby is getting out of prison. We should pick him up in that same kind of limo that the fucking Ukrainians picked us up in. I was wondering how soon we'd get to see Bobby and get Bobby involved in some stuff. Because I'm interested to talk with that guy because I can't listen to podcasts. I've tried to listen to some of the podcasts, but I don't really, you know, unless it's a documentary style, here's three episodes and there's a beginning and an end, I can't really listen to podcasts.

Yeah. I've, are you garbage? I watched another episode with someone I don't even know and it's always because it's all They're all in you You know, it's not you don't need to know who the all the people are It's just But yeah, I Yeah, some kind of weird

Tudda. Hey mama see Don't tell Bobby about this Love to get a fuckin' some kind of weird tada Hey mama C Don't tell Bobby about this Thank you But yeah that would be a fun fuckin' That's how I want Once a month we do something where we're out and about

and we'll give a weekly just so you guys that are on a fucking schedule. I poop at eight and then at nine I go to work and then I wait till my boss and then I listen. Wait, are you gonna get an old Crown Vic limo for all of these? We just drive around in it. Some kind of podcast mystery machine. I think we do need a mystery machine.

Winnebago van or something to paint up. I think if we just work the moves and the angles, we can get someone. Hey, who's in central Michigan? That's got a fucking weird vehicle I bet I will get an email from this a hearse Hearse with with cans dragging behind it. I Think yeah, I told him I will fucking be there to pick you up and I think he's got a girlfriend now So maybe the family will be there. Oh, yeah. And I think he's got a girlfriend now, so maybe the family will be there. Oh yeah, well if he's got a girlfriend, she'll definitely be there.

Actually, I think his mother would absolutely be happy to go, Oh, Doug's going to be there. I'll just see you in Vegas when you get here. But yeah, I'll weed more information out of him, but that's a fucking great one. How do you get a girlfriend in prison? Well, I guess his podcast is pretty well known. Same as you're falling in love with AI. That first death row pen pal. I'm just gaining information from it.

He got married that first death row pen pal I had. Yeah. Yeah, there's chicks that are just into that. Yeah. Because, well I like living by my, I mean I would prefer like just, you know, being, have my own space. So if you have a spouse that's incarcerated, it's kind of the perfect situation. Right. Just call me every couple days and tell me you love me for 15 minutes. Yeah. You have one minute remaining. Oh, I'd love to talk more, but yeah. Let me just close with, and then you close without saying something. Oh honey, yeah, they're doing roll call. I don't know what they're doing.

Maybe I'll make an AI account that's a woman in prison. They have a, I asked my chat GPT if it had a voice and it said no but you can get this other one called replica and it has a voice. When I looked at that, that one's kind of designed for like incels where you know they'll sex talk with you and stuff that'd be the one for you and even if you just ask it normal question you know trying to get a fucking recipe you fucking off or yes robot the Take another dick pig. Yeah. Probably the whatever doubles as a nursing home that I end up in will just be like a speaker. Oh, are you gonna jack off?

You dirty man. Occasionally I get rainwater or baths. That'sally I get rainwater, baths. That's how I see it anyway. It's a glory hole, but it's only so they can hold you from that side so the nurses can wash you with no fight. I'm not trying to save the lead or anything, but there should be an age limit on glory holes probably, right? Wait.

Oh, I don't know. Nobody knows. There might be. There might be. How do you know there isn't? Yeah, maybe there's certain, you know, like you must be this hard to attempt. You know, maybe the angle of the glory hole is age discriminatory in and of itself. Yeah, well, it's hard to thread it like a needle, like a thread anyway.

I mean, you'd have to get it hard to check your stubbiest fucking cold bloodless dick like all hoping to get it all the way through the glory hole. Is pushing your nuts against the wall. Yeah. Why? Why? Why are you even here? You obviously don't want to be here. Oh. I don't know. Oh, Jesus.

I have to kill before work. Oh. Hmm. I don't think you, well, I'll tell you, maybe. I wish I knew where there's glory holes, because that would be the funniest thing to film. It's just sticking weird shit through a Glorial hole. I'm sure there's probably things online.

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I don't I don't wear pants especially nice pants because I saw the picture of what they're gonna send me and I go I don't wear nice pants and I put them on they're like, holy shit. These are pajama pants These are your favorite sweat pants that look like normal pants I'm about to get on a plane wearing normal looking pants that are comfy and stretchy and they're gorgeous. Stop suffering in regular pants and give the gift of comfort this holiday season. For a limited time only our listeners get 20% off when you use code Stan Hope at checkout. That's 20% off with code Stan Hope at PublicRec.com. When you purchase, they're gonna ask you

how you heard about them, so please support our show and let them know that we sent you. That's publicrec.com. I've never seen a glory hole or even wanted to use one, but my fear would be touching the sides of it. I don't know how big they are, you know? You don't want to rub the sides of the glory. I think if you're gonna, you know, I mean I don't think... You've given up on that at that point?

No, I'm just thinking the people who are involved in that, you know, as a hobby, don't worry much about the germ. Yeah, I guess... They're already throwing caution to the wind, you know, could you imagine being the only guy that's like... If I didn't care about that, I would have taken the plunge already. If you're going into a glory hole, probably, I mean, they were shut down like all businesses, but like it'd be like you wore a mask in there and kept a mask and you know stuck your dick. It is technically social distancing because there'd be a wall,

but I would think that you're not too concerned about dying of sickness That's uh, it's what they do at the bunny ranch is they fucking take your dick and inspect it with a light and then Wipe it make sure you haven't spilled mustard Finish right there. Do you have to pay? That's like when I when I heard about that. Yeah, that's when we were filming for The Mad Show and they I was with Renee at the time was super fucking jealous. So what did they like? Yeah, you get a freebie and this Air Force Amy or Air Force Annie,

one of the other. She's like this legendary old like just fucking What's her name? Stairs, so yeah, yeah Mae West or well, yeah, say come up and see me sometime Just sad fucking cool the whole time we're filming there She's like my best friend and the one that got the jokes. And I'm like, all right, you're going to get paid out of this. So I'll just fucking I'm just I'll just jack off.

You dildo yourself or something. All right. And then she went right into horror mode immediately. Like she was like, perfect. Promote as comedy audience ever. And then,, oh you want whore type? Okay, you fucking want to see me fuck this dildo don't you? Oh yeah that's when I, this is not my point but that's when we had this, we're filming for the man show and we had this awful fucking assistant fucking

whatever, man dick, yeah... For lack of a better... We had just broken shooting and... And we hated him. Like we were all openly fucking against this guy. He was our... What was the guy in MASH? The... Burns.

Burns, yeah. Yeah. Burns. Yeah. So I came out, I had my fucking... I had blown a load all over my fucking shirt, it was wardrobe, so I don't care, but he's walking around the corner as I'm coming out and I go, man dick, we wrapped it up, this is a good shoot, and he coming, he fucking hugged me, and everyone

figured out at the bar, and I started laughing and then he's like what what and he's like ah like yeah that happened today yeah yeah yeah that's a you know he oh man yeah you could get uh i mean yeah there's all kinds of like biological warfare you probably get charged to it yeah i would get charged with assault if somebody did that to me. That was the weekend I went home to see my family during the man show. So I missed the bunny ranch visit. I was like home with my new cat. Oh, do you remember that day?

I remember being at the bunny ranch. No, I remember being at the Bunny Ranch at a different time. But you remember that day that you didn't go? Yeah, I remember that. Because that'll be the day you'll always regret. Yeah, I'll never have the... Well, this was a close call, I guess, but I went to a porn store to meet Octo Mom. What did the line look like there? Well there wasn't much of one but it was I was there with these dudes that were I guess doing a podcast so anyway my daughter had a skating competition that was about 30 miles it's like in well Gig Harbor out there in Washington, but that town near there. Tacoma.

Yeah, Tacoma. It's not a 30 mile skating competition. Right, but I'm waiting to meet Octomom in Tacoma and I got to get to Gig Harbor to get my daughter to her skating warm-up. And I was like, God damn this you know Octo mom better get here sooner my daughter's heart is gonna be heartbroken and that I did manage to be there for Octo mom and then make it under the wire. It's good to get your priorities straight. Yeah yeah that was uh yeah that's this is the whole

point is like she instead of hearing about Andy doing this after the fact, how about we just go and do it and then you see the live version? Well yeah, but I'm not running in those skating competitions no more. Hang out with Optimum now. I was just saying, every time you have a fucking silly idea, we can go, hey let's film film that one. And then what we'll do is, cause we're always running a few weeks late. Cause you show, like if it's an Andy one, you show, you have him tell the whole story in Andy detail.

And then we show the clip. Yeah. See how close they. I think they're, they seem, in my reality, they seem even. But yeah, if I go to the, cut to the footage is like, well, you know, like I don't remember Instagram, you know, like if I'm drunk and then I get filmed or something, it's like, it's sort of horrifying but it's also explains a lot to me. It's like, oh

okay, that's why I got hurt. Vasil Biduk, he was our guide and our commander in the Ukraine. He's put out, we did his podcast the last night, and he got shit faced the first night. I did the last night and I watched a little bit of the beginning of the podcast. I haven't retweeted it because I want ours to go out first as far as you know and well in in memoriam we can say, when, anyway. Oh, wait, this might be the beginning of the Ukraine. No, no, this is teasing the Ukraine. Sorry, a little bit high. Me too.

Not me. So, yeah, so by the, I watched myself at the end of that podcast. He asked me if I wanted to take a few things out, like, are you OK with this going out? And I'm like, yeah, it's on that album. I mean, I probably wouldn't start with it as an open mic'er. So we were drinking that Donbass Apple Cider. Yeah. Made by the troops at the front line that they sent with us and so we're drinking it. And at some point he's asking me, like, I can't come up with the most basic words and

I'm not realizing how long it's taking me to try where I just, now I just go, oh fuck I'm high, I forgot what I was talking about and He fades away from me and the camera and it goes right to the to the QR code Yeah, I noticed that and then I was thinking D can we order it can we get Cuz that was pretty good. I can't maybe it not made by the troops. That would not have it. They wouldn't have a QR code. Well, maybe by the true. Maybe maybe even to us by the troops. Maybe they bombed the tree that knocked it down and then somebody gathered the apples and made the cider. Yeah, made cider. Yeah, brutal ass kicking. Yeah, it was delicious, though. I don't remember, I remember

sitting there for the first podcast and then I just faded out into like when you hear in the PI I fell into you know I fell into the bottle and I've been there ever since but I could sit just almost see myself becoming that cider and then I was out of there and then you guys did another one but it's like you said there was kind of a fade out between sitting there drinking. I think there were supposed to be two different ones and I think what they did is told the second one that he's too fucking drunk let's just do one little more segment. Yeah yeah yeah and in that time frame. It's weird how you don't have to always speak a language to figure out what they were saying the whole time. Yeah, I never could.

Yeah, I would like to watch those videos like we were talking about, Vaseels or with subtitles. I'd like to know what was... You put out a 19 minute, I don't know where he finds the time in a war zone. Well, and they're getting shelled there too. So he's working, you know, things are shattered, you know, and then he blows off the dust and then goes back to editing. But anyway, yeah.

Oh, so yeah, see, he put out a 19 minute, Doug, stand up strip to Ukraine. Maybe I, I don't probably wanna know what the troops, I mean, it'll be, you know, I mean, it would be funny to hear what the troops were saying about me, cause they were laughing, you know, I was Buster Keaton of the front. Yeah, you need some,

This American, but he, you know, they weren't saying, like, in my mind, they'd be like, Oh, you know, but it's probably, I'd be like, Oh, yeah, they thought I was a, you know, underskilled performing soldier, possibly. I asked them this morning. This moron, let's load him in our rounds and shoot him at the enemy. The fuck, that's what they were saying? God damn. We were, uh, you know what, Vasil, I'll say this, he wouldn't put anything in that was like we'd take offense to. Yeah. Which is stupid. Yeah. It's absurd. Well, according to, I told that story about the cat to Gretchen

Bonaduce and I said I'm I should pitch a show called Cat Rescue in a war zone and she said oh you should talk to Susan Olson Who's Cindy Brady from the Brady Bunch and she goes she's kind of right-wing Like hi Cindy Brady This is you know, Colin. Let's let's get me and you team up and get some cats out of Ukraine. Where are you gonna put them? The cats, the United States cats are overflowing. Yeah, but you need a cat. I feel like you need a cat with a backstory. Like San Hope, they found Meatwig behind a jukebox. Right now they have the animal shelter in Tucson just busted up a cock fighting ring so they have like 200

roosters that they have to bring in but they said they're already over full with cats and dogs so right now... Let them fight it out! That's what a battle royale sounded like. Instead of what do they put at halftime of the Super Bowl, the Puppy Bowl, put on, you know, free for all. 30 chickens, only one survives. Those roosters. Those roosters are the only ones. Dogs versus chickens versus roosters.

Yeah, free for all. Those roosters are the only ones with any fight training. Yeah. The cats and roosters would team up and then go, we'll deal with each other later But the only way to beat the dogs is to fucking team up. Mm-hmm. I'm overthinking this a little bit Well, we could pitch it to Susan Olson Free to get a dog. I'm thinking about going to get one. Yeah, that is a great story and I'm sure we could

we have an offer for Eastern Europe, which is why i'm probably gonna delete a lot of that footage we've been bragging about from at least from the uh yeah we were kind of waiting to see how things shook out politically yeah see where we stand some eastern european offers which now now like i would i I would tell people two years ago, I go, I'm never gonna be there in a fucking million years. Now it's kind of, even after Romania, where you go, there's not a lot of traffic here. This is like playing a fucking, not Chicago, but somewhere outside of Chicago.

I was just thinking maybe we need to have like a open mic or a food taster in some of those countries We'll get labeled Labeled anything. Yeah. Hey. Oh, yeah. We'd love to yeah here. Have the first bite It's tradition in my country that Hey, that's a YouTube thing that remind me of fucking highest fuck that I've been watching this YouTube show where the British high school kids like in a private school probably try American food. It's one of the funniest fucking things ever.

Thank you. All different kinds of American food. They tried American Halloween. Oh damn, your burger's good. Biscuits and gravy was a funny one. And I'm like, biscuits? To who? Oh, British kids?

British high school kids. And then they give them things like biscuits and gravy. And they're like, that's not a biscuit. What the fuck? And then gravy, they're all appalled by it. And then they did one with Korean food, Jenny and I watched the other day, and they'd have they did one of Korean food Jenny and I watched the other day and they'd have like a regular thing of ramen and they're like

who would eat all of this that's a horrific amount I'm like I told Jenny I go goddamn we're so used to just being gluttonous here that we don't even realize that most people think that's a Jake game. Well that's the idea that we pitched and it's still in a million notebooks, that a fantasy is to go to one of those, you know, fourth world lost tribe, uncontacted tribes, and just do focus groups on them. Like, all right, what's better, a Big Mac or a tuna sandwich? Yeah.

Like, who's hotter? Oprah Winfrey? Or fucking Scarlett Johansson? They give these kids Hershey's chocolate and almost all of them were completely disgusted. And they're like, that's supposed to be chocolate? It tastes like vomit. Why does it taste like vomit?

That's not how it was like. Jenny's like, why don't they like it? I go, is that real fucking chocolate over there. Oh my God, but their candy is disgusting. Yeah, they like the other stuff, but they acknowledge the type of sugar, you know, it's interesting. What was that tribe that had the Coca Colas?

Oh, that was a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But wasn't that... That's it, Lost Boys of Sudan. That's what it's called. That's a documentary and they, these kids have been waiting to be, a vagabond, teenagers, young men, this Christian group is pulling them out of Sudan and this is, you know, they fucking mash grain if they get a meal Spartan and they like they get them on a plane and stuff and watching them like They don't know anything. They know a mud hut and a fucking bowl and

Desert and they like they get their meals and they're like unwrapping butter patties. They're just eating them. And he's like, it tastes like soap. I think I've seen that. They move them to apartments and stuff. Yes. And they still just live the way they did in the apartment. Just like they don't have running water. They got Coke bottles full of water.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I've seen that one there was a one and I don't remember what country was in it was a Spanish-speaking country I'm pretty sure Mexico South America they were like Coca-Cola was their whole thing their whole cultures are on coke they get diabetes everybody there has diabetes they prescribe coca-cola for the diabetes yeah yeah that's just a fucking full-on whole town whole city of just coca-cola addicts yeah that's it that was the thing we on YouTube wasn't it yeah yeah that's funny I remember my nephew walking around carrying a big gulp and he had bad teeth and carrying around like god damn that's funny

all right we're gonna have to fucking live up to our opener but wait not the Ukraine yeah yeah yeah that's our grand opening as a restructured podcast, I guess you'd say. Warzone reorganization. And yeah, so I was thinking like Ukraine. That's why I thought of Slab City, because I watched another documentary, and I'm like, I remember going past where I knew it was, and I like, eh, yeah, all sober, and fucking driving alone.

Right, some of that, some things- Nice car at 11 in the morning. Like when we went to Salt Gum, Kentucky, it wouldn't have been any fun to be in the car by yourself, but it was fun to go there and to have, you know, because like seeing fucked up shit, you do that fucking. Yeah, this is eastern Kentucky. Just everything's a gray line.

There's no highway that goes anywhere near it, just the tiniest gray lines. And we found the stupidest name because we had a couple of days off between gigs going from whatever fucking Chicago down to Atlanta and so we go we'll go hillbilly hunting and let's just go to the scariest bar and fucking any of these like and we found the weirdest sounding name was salt gum let's go to salt gum and the fucking like it's so fucked up. We didn't have GPS then and I thought like the lines are so fucked up and there's no signs. Yeah, like welcome to Salt Gum. We're like driving in a you know endless there like dirt fucking roads or country roads and There you go. This is someone's driveway. We've been driving for like ten minutes It's just a house at the end.

And then a guy with a flag, you know, a flag on the porch and sitting there while aware that, you know, stands up or you start backing up. We did, yeah, we were aimlessly wandering through Red Cat. It's one of those times where the plan is hilarious, like now on a podcast, but then when you have to do it at 11 in the morning and you're like, all right I we can't even find salt gum and then we get back to a numbered road and okay

and then when we get to salt gum, it's It's one gas station But it's not really a gas station necessarily. I think it used to be a gas station, was converted into a store and now serves lunch. Something like that. It was lunch time. Yeah. And cars were parked around it like there was no parking spots. The shittiest bar in Deadwood broke down a little and it turned into a convenience store

that was mobbed with fucking people that are trying to get a hot pocket or something. And like they know every... Like the parking lot was just... Everyone was just piled in. A lot of them came from the same womb, you know? They're like fucking infrared looking. It was fucking terrifying. came from the same womb, you know, they're like fucking infrared looking fucking terrified because Andy and I walk in and literally fucking shut down.

And well, it was those days where you first had, you know, you had those little digital cameras and I had one was prepared to take some pictures. But I really, you know, it's like I didn't want this was after Atlanta, too, where I got chased by a redneck. So I was like, I wanted to take a picture, but they were like, like ex-files freaks. They were, it was straight up serious deliverance. And Andy says, hey, should we ask him about it?

I'm like, just get a fucking Coke and let's get out of here. Act like we just stopped for a Coke. So I grabbed a warm RC Cole out of the cooler. And what we found out, cause we wanted to go hit a bar, the entire fucking part of the state, dry country, dry county. Yeah, so probably we're, you know,

pulling up on steals, you know, pulling up on steals, you're, you know, somebody who's boot, bootlegging. They only have enough sandwich for so many people. Yeah. They're not trying to eat your ass. Yeah. It was like a subway sandwich type of crowd,

but no subway sandwiches. How do they live that way? That's what I have my I remember my aunt well she was married my uncle so she was our aunt by marriage but she would like in many in fact my town was one of them where she was like how could people live in the place how do people live like this? And then she turned into a recluse hoarder. So how did she live that way? Fading out. Let me just... Mariachi Festival. I guess we could have left that in. I don't know. I don't know I try to edit for you but sometimes I'm right. But yeah, a Mariachi Festival that

whole if you're following my tweets about American Idol which is really horrible to have to do. Even to hear you say that if you followed my tweets about American Idol. Yeah, but there's a very special friend of ours, wasn't a friend of ours, but you know the story. Whiskey Girl's adopted daughter played for the first time in Bisbee. I was at night, big and bright, deep in the heart of Tumbleweed. Played the Mariachi Festival, which was very strange. I wanna have her on the podcast so much,

not even to ever talk about fucking Whiskey Girl, but just like, all right, first of all, you did American Idol. People think you're rich now? Do they understand that doesn't pay anything once you tour? And you like, I guess you got a decent chunk of change for playing the Mariachi festival is like right down here at the old ballpark. And it's very well attended by Mariachi fans

because we live on the border and they come across. Yeah. Or they're- In caravans. And she sings a version of Hallelujah that will make you bawl your eyes out and that's her upbeat number. Yeah, that's true.

So there are a lot of people there that are there to see her, but there's a lot of Mexicans that are going stop Mariachi what the fuck yeah she did another one but they gave her an extended introduction and and I think they did it on purpose because I think it was to save her. The saving grace is Whiskey Girl's full name is Amy Ross Lopez. And I made sure to do this drawn out extended biography of her whole life.

And Whiskey Girl, whose name is also Amy Ross Lopez to make it all okay. She didn't address it. Jesus. Yeah, we made it to her part of the show, but from Doug's place, you could hear the music all day. And most of it was, I don't know, I mean, I'm not, I guess I haven't listened to a lot of

Mary, Mariucci, I call it, Steve Mariucci music, but I, it just sounded not like the kind of thing you'd walk the opposite direction to get that, to make that sound fade, but we walked right down into it. But yeah, I didn't hear a lot of the classic. Maybe my ears are trained to just kind of shut it out like they're playing a table over and you're just like, let's just pay the bill and go. I would have loved to add that beat into the music is rape bit. Yeah.

Use the analogy. What if comedy was just brought to your table like a mariachi band at a Mexican restaurant without you asking for it? And I just came to your table like a mariachi bed at a Mexican restaurant without you asking for it. And I just came to your table at Denny's and just stuck him going, hey, where are you from? What are you gonna eat? You're gonna eat that?

Maybe you shouldn't, you fat pig. Yeah, that's actually great. All right, yeah, well, dirty deeds is another thing, but you'll find out about that later. All right, let, well, dirty deeds is another thing, but you'll find out about that later. All right, let's get on it. What's up, all things comedy fans? This is Matt Walsh. My name's Timothy Simons.

And we have a podcast on the channels here called Second in Command. We were formerly a Veep Rewatch podcast, but now we watch any movie with a president or vice president in it, and we bring on an interesting, funny, cool person to talk about that movie. And this week, who do we have, Tim?

We have star of stage and screen Kristen Bell. You might know her from Veronica Mars, from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, from The Good Place or the more recent Nobody Wants This. And what movie did she pick, Tim? She picked the 2006 movie Idiocracy, which has nothing to do with our current circumstances. No, no, it did not predict what we were going to live through starting January.

Anyways, it's fun and I'm really excited about this episode, so please check us out. Yeah, we come out every Tuesday on All Things Comedy. Get us wherever you get your podcasts.