The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #567 Ukraine - Part II - A Bad Day to Forget your Xanax

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Like you're on the most serious ass f**king hike of your life and you don't know where you're going. So we end up near this piece of equipment. Come on, f**k it, here! Someone said it must be Russian if it's 152 calibers. That's all we know. Shoot it like it's a drone. Yeah, life during wartime by the talking heads has been in my head ever since then.
Starting point is 00:00:32 I'll send a message to the receiver, hope for an answer someday. So then I sneak out, I write on the shell, and then I get the fuck away from that big ass gun. And they bring it it and they go wait No, no come back. You have to vacillate Your mother's ashes so they unscrew the top of the thing You must know how it works and then so I go to sprinkle put the ashes in the head of No, no, no cigarette. I had a lit cigarette. Here, show us how you do it. Jeez, the stripes!
Starting point is 00:01:12 And without a cigarette. Pumping gas with a cigarette. Probably the most toxic bomb over here. Here's the thing, these guys were, and the day is not over, these are the most badass guys in the world. And even with a lit cigarette near an artillery shell, they go, cigarettes yeah but the only time they panicked was when I pulled out a cigarette in a croissant shop what are you up civilized people here you whether in a bad case scenario somebody puts a spark on one of those Chad with the bomb with it opened and
Starting point is 00:02:04 somebody flicks ashes in there inadvertently could it blow up? Well sure and the whole thing is there shouldn't even be any cigarettes allowed up into that whole area. And that's probably... I mean much less a lit one. Like there should be no... It was like when you're camping. You got a lighter, match, get the f*** out of here. It's like bear camping. I mean was you know there was there I mean it's there's you know mud steps going down to a trench. So so I put the ashes in the thing after I put out my cigarette. This is again exactly why if this was a chaperoned sanctioned thing we would have not been there at all much as having a cigarette because they're all Smoking cigarettes are just not over the gunpowder. Thanks
Starting point is 00:02:51 So then I did that then I get the back and I'm hiding with Andy. Yeah, they got a clear, you know They go what? fire What? Fire? Oh no! Yes! So, fire? Mother is on her own now. Fire! 3, 2, 1, fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
Starting point is 00:03:12 Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
Starting point is 00:03:20 Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! now. Fire! 3, 2, 1, fire! Holy shit! That f***ing thing, like with your eyes squinted you could see bright orange and just the wave like. The trees gave a shrug, you know. Did you have hearing protection or anything?
Starting point is 00:03:30 Yeah. Okay. I was like, I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water.
Starting point is 00:03:38 I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. and just the wave like... Yeah, the trees gave a shrug, you know? Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:46 Did you have hearing protection or anything? Okay, I was like, how f***ing primitive are these motherf***ers? Some of them weren't wearing anything, that's just... Just told us to open our mouths. Open your mouth, exactly, yeah. Open your mouth! Exactly, yeah. Tell him to open his mouth again. Yes.
Starting point is 00:04:08 Open your mouth. Let him speak. Oh, they didn't tell me that. Oh yeah, that was the one thing I had no problem with. He has one picture of me, a still shot from the video where I looked like my eyes got this close together and like it blew me Mongolian. That's the title of the podcast.
Starting point is 00:04:33 Bloomy Mongolian. I have a cushion that's a Mongolian airline cushion to present you. It is the most hilarious picture and I'm just like oh f**k like unreal like it then they gas me and any it's like what you said at a skank fest is I'm not saying no to any drugs I was like it's I don't want to be rude so they guys offered me with you know I don't know yeah yeah yeah don't break it Andy what do I do
Starting point is 00:05:18 boom and then I did like curly from the three stooges because I guess it I didn't cock it proper and it had a little extra kickback and I went running out like literally was doing and some of the soldiers were actually laughing that you know you know the laugh you laugh at a funeral you keep it quiet the laugh you laugh at a moron like when Kenny does open mic right, well, yeah there's probably a reason I'm alive and one of it is nobody's really trusted me around weapons or artillery.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Except for... Steel. Yeah. Wait, wait. Yeah! Dead Russian. Right, yeah, because I was careful not to point it. Wait a minute, I don't want to f*** the story, but can you guys go back to the part where you guys got to bomb the Russians?
Starting point is 00:06:34 Yeah, yeah, good. I feel like we glossed over that a little bit. So we can't confirm numbers or anything, but there may have been a third bomb that went off and then we cleared the area because everybody has to disperse for a while. But none of them did. Did you guys get any confirmed kill? I asked on the way, I said how far can one of those go and we're because we're seven kilometers from the front line where the actual like gunshots work and they said it goes up to 26 or 28 kilometers yeah they didn't have them aimed at nothing you guys yeah I was
Starting point is 00:07:18 just saying that they didn't they told us how much everything costs from the drones to the things and even when we were firing bullets later, we were like, well this is coming out of your pocket. Okay, so well we went from that then we walked down into where they live. Yeah, that's the thing. They told us that we're gonna shell the Russians. So again, yeah, at that price, it's not going into an open quarry for fun. It's not Tannerite and Joby, but I'll give Joby credit. They said we're gonna have to run afterwards. Hang on, the Joby part comes later. part comes later. They told us initially we will fire on the Russians and then we will have to run because they will triangulate. They didn't say that word but someone came up with it. And then so we fired at the Russians and then they
Starting point is 00:08:19 go do you want to see the kitchen? Yeah. Yeah sure. I want to run. What's a run part? Come in. And then they take us into their bunker where they sleep five. It was like our train car minus the wounded. That's what I said I go this is nicer than our train car. Yeah. It's underground and made of mud and a couple of birch trees. Yeah. But yeah. Living you could comfortably nap and hang out so is this bed if you have a date and I think I shot the good thing is that I saw a sock on the door yeah sure if this punkers rocking and so we yeah so we got we we bugged out and went and shot small arms, comparably to what we just shot. Automatic weapons and...
Starting point is 00:09:10 Machine guns. So now I wish I would have won. Yeah, parts of it were totally... I want to fall, I want to shoot howitzers from the... Here's where Joby comes in. Now they're like going and they're putting like cans in the branches of trees as targets. And guns are floating around like, you you know remember how I used to... They didn't do any better than us. Remember how I handled guns when I was around you Chad?
Starting point is 00:09:51 You know point it down to the ground you know and people I just I don't you know I wanted out of my hand you know but they were... They were concerned about our footwear. Yeah. Oh yeah. I have my black dress shoes on and I don't know what... I had my running shoes on which I did not want to get muddy Yeah, and we're in thick mud like you couldn't like gummy the dog mud when you guys packed all your clothing
Starting point is 00:10:15 You just neglected No, no, we both had adequate footwear that we decided not to bring. Yeah, I left behind Yeah, I regret that. That's so, I regret that. Definitely. I had them hiking boots for, you know, carried them over there. It's third going down into the bunker where the five people didn't sleep in bunks.
Starting point is 00:10:40 Andy took the first step and we're in heavy mud, bad footwear and he goes flat on his ass like flat And and then I was like ah another laugh But uh, but yeah, it was uh, it's hard to walk and then you start going on any drinks The one oh, yeah, the one blew up on the sidewalk and keeve You know my first drink of the day was scattered, and then I really questioned having another first drink. So now we're firing guns at this firing range. I didn't think we'd get out of there,
Starting point is 00:11:19 because these vehicles are- They cut open a big artillery box. So when you go shooting with Joe You know there they're they're buying the rounds But they let you know you know be cool if you pitched in or whatever and these guys are just like Get a big knife and cut open another crate and just unlimited bullets Which it was exciting for me with the machine gun. It's just but it was You can't you don't open with artillery and then go to small arms,
Starting point is 00:11:48 picking off cans in a tree. Do you know what you guys were shooting? Were they fully automatic? They kept pulling out different guns, but then they pulled out the gun with the scope because everyone's missing the cans. Joby never missed a can and launched in the air. These are stationary. And I'm like wait
Starting point is 00:12:05 that you're missing these and then they I don't know if they pulled out the scope because they were embarrassed well that one guy he had the driver and I think he takes pride in his ability to shoot from a distance and he had that full like the black leather jacket yeah was getting down and putting bullets in the cans. I went up and looked at the cans later and I thought that I wasn't hit, you know, maybe I didn't hit anything, it's possible, but I was like, man, I just, you know, I could see dirt sometimes and sometimes I couldn't, but there was a lot of bullet holes in those cans when there wasn't one and we hung them up.
Starting point is 00:12:43 So Ukraine has has toughest cans. Shooting cans of shaving cream from the dollar store. We take them out. That's what we line up. And you know for sure when you hit them. How much fun would we have had that day if we had shaving cream? That would have been next level. At some point I was freezing my balls off. I got a load of bullets you guys if you want to go do it. I don't know what we were doing or off talking about,
Starting point is 00:13:07 but the four of them, they started to fuck with Fatty, the guy that's gonna ass rape me. They were chasing him like a football scrum, but a lot of guys carrying sidearms too. For the record, if they were saying they would fuck me first in prison, I would wanna be be by our driver first Oh really that guy was badass. He did not who was number two in your car or was it?
Starting point is 00:13:33 Daddy is me. Okay, just those two Okay, I thought there's a new lieutenant. Yeah. Yeah the green lieutenant in platoon that very I don't want to hear the list order of the Guys you have Well, you're just jealous A list I would go I would go with I would go with my driver first because he was clean-cut Didn't say a whole lot and he's pretty handsome Yeah, that was the guy who was in charge because he looked like he had civilization in his
Starting point is 00:14:14 blood. I don't know who to make number two in that but I definitely... I know you'd be making number two afterwards. Yeah, that's for sure. Oh yeah. Hey, that's our sponsor Feces Feces make so whatever we're doing us Andy and the we and we don't have this on film because oh Yeah, we're working. They're trying to yeah, these guys are horsing around with war drones and
Starting point is 00:14:46 They're starting to pick on fatty and Andy jumps in and tries to stop them. They're having horseplay You would call it around the school USA. No no fight here or whatever. You try to pull a NATO Yeah, I probably tried to pull a NATO on him But then fatty falls down and Andy does this I go I go so he's running and I'm chasing and then you know I'm ready to give up but he slips and falls and so I go behind him and he's you know it's like wrestling you know and and he's looking you know he's getting up but it's you know his shoes are slick and then I get behind him and like you know like like you know South Park or Deliverance style. Dry humping the guy and the f***ing dudes fell out like it was deaf comedy jam. Those guys, they've never loved anyone more than Andy. So that was the only show for the troops.
Starting point is 00:15:33 I stand with the troops of Ukraine. Solid. So I'll later read the room, Andy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that guy had already done jokes about boofing and I was like, okay, I'll show the bo the buffer how it's done American style Well, how do you like it now with our weapons, huh? That was John quick John Wayne for all you Patriots Yeah, we had a choice they go after we go to the shooting range Do you guys want croissants? I think a bombed out town, you remember a bombed out city That's been completely destroyed or do you want to with the drones and I'm so cold I go is are either of them indoors yeah show me a like footage of doing the drones but
Starting point is 00:16:15 the guy in the footage is indoors so I go let's do that it's like a flying drones and I get that they do an awful lot of- I like that you chose the more murderous choice, rather than the touristy choice, but only based on personal f***ing comfort. Here's the weird thing about drones though, is even though these were the ones you could bomb with, we were just flying them around unarmed and all that, but it is real boring.
Starting point is 00:16:42 It's like at the ball when the guy's throwing the airplane, you're like, I'm gonna buy that, and then you take it home. It's like, ah, I can kinda hate this. That's when they handed you a gun again. Right, so yeah, and then this, I think it was the handsome feller in front. Maybe that's the reason I like him best.
Starting point is 00:16:56 Yeah, the handsome feller. He was easy to hand me that firearm. I think there might have been a tension between the SEAL Team six hardcore guys and the drone guy who's a nerd, kinda. I mean, as much of a nerd as you can be when you're killing lots of people. Killing strangers.
Starting point is 00:17:16 So they, while I'm flying this drone with the virtual reality, and I'm like just trying to stay up, like I can't do this, I need to just trying to stay up like I gotta I can't do this I need to hold on to something while I'm flying the drone just testing it out and he's shooting at it with a handgun oh yeah yeah I forgot that part yeah well he goes shoot at it really and I go, really? He goes, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Starting point is 00:17:46 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, drones. Oh, poor us. Yeah, so that's what- Oh, we let a comedian shoot down our drones for fun. Now I get what he's saying because they're like, yeah, fuck with that. And they knew I'd fuck with it because they'd seen me with the artillery.
Starting point is 00:18:16 It was just the guy with two shits that they said. No, give Andy a gun. How would you like to be a conscripted troop in the ditch somewhere and get killed by my military prowess I love that you didn't know until later which means he missed so much that it didn't affect the drone whatsoever I was trying to not get mud up oh he got Andy had already slipped so Andy's covered in mud from slipping going into the bunker. And now I'm just trying to not fall in this mud, which was so thick I really didn't think
Starting point is 00:18:52 they'd be able to drive out of there. Because it's caked this thick on the tires and on our shoes. They're trying to scrape their shoes off to get back in the cars. And you can't. You're trying to find sticks. Mud puddles if they're available puddles I go I thought I was the genius everyone's trying to do sticks I go hey find puddles it wouldn't come off it was that kind of you know those poops that you go oh I'm in a might yeah I might have a toilet and I'm gonna have to use this entire
Starting point is 00:19:22 roll of toilet paper to get to the bottom of my ass. But if you step on that, if it's dog you go, you know what these shoes aren't worth that much to me anymore. But you had to keep them on, that's all we had. And we had to get back in their vehicles, you didn't want to be that asshole who's putting big chunks of mud in the back of a guy who could get out and shoot you in the head and go, ah, you know. I know, I tried to walk through grass, just like you do as a kid with dog s***.
Starting point is 00:19:50 Oh, if I walk through grass and now I have grass stuck in the dog s*** and now it's on the top of my shoes. Yes, I know that kind of mud, it's horrible. Yeah, so that guy, the drone guy, goes, what are you, some kind of gangster? I don't know how he said what's up, but he said gangster. I understood that. Yeah, he's the one who had the best English.
Starting point is 00:20:11 This sounds like the army, but fun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. The more you guys talk about this, the more I'm like, I'm really glad I didn't go, because I just decided to hang out. Free violence, and there's like the military, which I was the only thing I was ever good at was the military. I have no idea how they recognized those vehicles as military vehicles because they looked like
Starting point is 00:20:35 anything else on the road but nobody f***ed with them. They'd blow through checkpoints and they wouldn't even wave at the guy and they wouldn't even make eye contact Sometimes sometimes they would be head head on with another vehicle and then take a quick right at the thing It says oh, you know They it was a pole position or you know one of those video games where they just made their own rules up It's like is that even that's so wild I guess lie. I said one of the things I said I guess law enforcement looks looks the other way on some of this I know I kept swallowing the joke yeah we're gonna get points on your license I'm like why they're not gonna get the reference translated we
Starting point is 00:21:19 would have been weirdly well we'd had pretty it would have been more fun to be in the same car now because it was like Oh, I had so much stuff to say and those guys weren't getting and then that guy had his questions And I was like I don't think brawny James should be in the NBA, but it's a good money-making move You know from a marketing standpoint you want to sell tickets and usually the 12th guy on the bench could be a human piece of and nobody gives just you know that's not gonna cost them anything in revenue. So put the son of the legend on there. You don't, it was really hard to gauge
Starting point is 00:21:52 what jokes would or would not fly until Andy dry humped one of the fucking dogs. Then we laughed, we laughed, we had coffee and dessert. That's where we got to the puddles. And all these places where we were, through all that, you could see bullets. You know, it's like weird to see people on street corners, not in groups, but just darting in and out.
Starting point is 00:22:18 Yeah, big potatoes, like bins. Just everything at fast motion. So you didn't have time to process any of an explosions off in the distance Constantly you don't bomb shelters everywhere big cement Barricades where it says bomb shelter on the side those tank stopping Right here, what do you call those metal things that giant process that were everywhere but uh... you know that yeah
Starting point is 00:22:49 uh... you yeah there was uh... but everywhere just as i'll be just bombed out apartment building bombed out this is this is the uh... nine a m is uh... eight or nine a m is when we got there and had croissants and this is before noon that we've already shelved russian positions shot a bunch of shit and and the nightmare drives and then we went to lunch drone drone I don't all I know is I paid for everyone so we have lunch. Oh and what are we in Hakeem or in? Don Bosch that Yeah
Starting point is 00:23:33 the thing I noticed right away with Hanging out with I didn't pick these out hang on no I don't know I heard him I heard him pitch these to you I want I wanted mine and he's got some in the fridge that are The wilds they're they're in their container. Hey, do you hear that wild wild? I think wild is out there in Oregon where I live from the Yeah, bring the package is actually you haven't go fund me so I guess they're not gonna sponsor I'm pretty sure wild is an organ.. Oh you shot up about $3,000 Oh, I I did I I shot enough. I had a
Starting point is 00:24:11 Vision well here. Let me ask you this. I'm those artillery. Was there was there any sentimental? My mind was her any sentimental moment in you when you when you said goodbye to your mother's ashes via cannon No, and that's that's where you go I want to call Chad Schenck right now because he would understand because I remember talking to Chad probably several times about yeah well if you had this experience it would change you and you go no it probably wouldn't and it all right let's get to that yeah I think I think Vassio's a my I think I think Vassio put together an emotional package I think he could have reversed the order of arms
Starting point is 00:24:55 yeah but we stood in in an area that if you didn't feel emotion about what what happened there were to no matter what the political viewpoints of people, but just to stand among rubble and see school children's play equipment and a kitten on a pile of rubble and a dog crawling through. It's like, holy f*** man. That was the only time I felt actual emotion other than I fear terror I had moments throughout and one time I was sitting at the table and all the leaves of brown that song came over in one of those cafes and it was just me and the driver and with the tough
Starting point is 00:25:37 fellow that we heard his story there but he goes after I heard all you know I heard stories and you know I mean fuck man I was in a state of constant sadness but move on and stay focused as much as possible. The only song that they played that I understood when we were in heavy metal, once we had lunch that was it and I think they put us all in the same car to drive to Harkeev, the other war zone that got really, I mean, that's where we saw the most damage, like large scale.
Starting point is 00:26:18 And it was about a two and a half hour drive. That was the second memorial or mass grave kind of situation that Andy pissed on. Pissed near not on at one point I pissed on the outside wall of the building which I do anyway no no you pissed in shoes that I didn't know I had to piss or it was gonna piss myself and yeah I didn't know did you just say memorial shoes if it would have been If it would have been a... That's funny. Let him speak.
Starting point is 00:26:48 It was a train station that was bombed while people were trying to flee. And so about 60 or so people were killed there. And they take us in there. I think this party should go in the trash can or I'll be hated internationally. It's a pissed stop but they think oh we can go into these ruins and find somewhere that we can't be seen by drones to have a piss. But then there are these shoes left out in the middle of the rubble. And there were better shoes than mine at that point because mine were now caked in mud and those are some nice black wingtips.
Starting point is 00:27:22 are some nice black wingtips. Oh my lord. Well now they're covered in piss. Andy goes and grabs one of them and pisses in the shoe. They loved him more and more. Every time he did something ridiculous. Oh my lord. Oh my lord.
Starting point is 00:27:38 I was pissing away from every camera angle. One of these stories is why I was terrified for Andy to go because he always does something I was high I was possibly just cause that's probably the murder I mean I super hydrated I was power hydrating and a lot happened early
Starting point is 00:27:58 and I didn't take advantage of some of the peace stops I took that's that's where I took that picture I put on Instagram of you know purple violets growing out of the rub stops. I took, that's where I took that picture I put on Instagram of purple violets growing out of the rubble and I hashtagged something positive. Andy pissed in the dead man's shoes and got applause from the troops. Hey man, what do you do for the troops?
Starting point is 00:28:20 They're the ones who killed him. I, you know, I'm thankful I could stand there and pee in that guy's shoes where a drone killed him because it didn't kill me You know, it's like Let me get to the part I'm celebrating his life by laughter I don't comprehend at all what would drive you to decide to pee in his shoes I had to take a leak and I couldn't go anywhere because I was surrounded by broken glass and nails and so I was like Where do I? That's not true at all No everywhere these shoes. What's weird about this is the shoes are very
Starting point is 00:28:58 Unblemished perfectly good. That's what I thought. I thought somebody ditched them otherwise rubble that someone You'd go. Oh that someone might have, like you'd go, oh, that someone planted those there. Clearly that's symbolic. Yeah. I had no idea. If I was smarter, I'd think, oh my God, Russians planted those. They're attached to a mine.
Starting point is 00:29:15 Yeah. Now in hindsight, I'd go, who would think that those perfectly shiny shoes would be amongst the rubble? But then again, there was that beautiful Siamese cat who could have also been a bomb now that I think about it. Yeah I was just thinking man they weaponized my bladder. I imagine a Ukrainian guy coming over going to like the Indian ruins in Colorado just like taking a sh** in the window sale. No! No! What are you doing? That's not... That's not what you do.
Starting point is 00:29:50 I think we kind of knew him well enough at that point that they were not going to be offended. But we took... then they loaded us into one car so... Fatty left. And Fatty, I'm sorry, wish i i remembered your name near that that fat he's not he was a just compared he was a husky husky american yeah but not even he said you would me first yeah no that's cuz you're low balling yeah as you know everyone else would be he was he was uh... he was very early larry the cable guy ask yeah who's your friend? That's what you thought when you saw me. So now it's just the crazy driver.
Starting point is 00:30:32 And once Andy gets in the car, oh, he drops it down to about 120 kilometers per hour. And no more road rage. And everyone's having fun. Cause now it's all of us together. We've gotten to know each other, hung out in a cafe. And Vasile is up front so they're just chatting away and it's just now my ass is hurting so much from being in that non middle seat middle seat and I'm f***ed. Nobody wears seat belts there either. I wouldn't see the point.
Starting point is 00:31:05 A bomb's gonna hit you, seat belting. So it's about two and a half hours of driving. And then we get to Harkeev and outskirts. Vasyl lived for ten years in Harkeev. He's showing us, I used to live here. And then my second flat I ever had was here. And I started comedy when I lived here and but then we stopped at an apartment complex that had been decimated and however many killed like well 12 15 story apartment complexes
Starting point is 00:31:37 that are just and Andy pisses all over them in broad daylight. I peed in a park away from the pine eyes. A memorial park, Andy? No, no, there's people that still live in these places. That's what's fucked up. OK. Yeah, I found a spot because there was people over there. I had to pee more and more. If there's plywood.
Starting point is 00:31:58 It's more than some miracle there. You guys made it back. There weren't a lot of mini-marts you could stop at, and nor did you have. We're going to ask. Yeah, it was either pants or so I had to. That guy never stopped to pee. There weren't a lot of mini-marts you could stop at, and nor did you... You weren't gonna ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was either pants or...
Starting point is 00:32:07 That guy never stopped to piss. That was just like I'm peeing out here, you know. No, it wasn't. It was in full view of everyone who lost their loved ones. Oh, come on. The only way you could tell if people still lived in them, if they had plywood. The ones that had no windows or walls. Yeah, that was probably empty. So Andy tried to, it's like, like if you picture a Harlem, like section eight housing,
Starting point is 00:32:35 those like, you know, and he's just standing there. I didn't, I did so bad. I'm like, I'm not doing this. Like, I don't think they like me. They like Andy. So I'm I had to piss so bad. I'm like I'm not doing this. Like I don't think they like me They like Andy so I'm not gonna piss on the graves of their f***ing I didn't piss on anybody's grave. I peed in a park that was near a bad scene. It wasn't a park it was the f***ing rubble of them. It was a park, but the building had been bombed out. I peed outside in the park. Well you didn't go into the building. There. Yeah, don't say I peed. There's no building there. But I mean it's not hard. I wouldn't have peed on people's memorials. But I mean, it's not hard to pee discreetly. Like, you can just, I can stand, like, right there by the tree and pee, and you guys wouldn't even know
Starting point is 00:33:11 I was peeing, you didn't even hear it. That's what he did. He did do that. He did have his hands on his hips, like he was looking around. Yeah, I was peeing. That's not the same thing at all! He did that.
Starting point is 00:33:20 I was jealous of his, cause I wanted to piss so bad, but I'm like, there's nowhere to do this. This is in a city now. We're in an actual big city. I'm gonna piss too, but I won't piss on this shit. This is my territory, so the f***ing Russians don't come back. You're like Americans to the gans. F***ing get tragedy.
Starting point is 00:33:43 Oh, I got it. And so I yeah, I was jealous that he took a tact of I didn't I did not feel like I was peaking on it. I felt the sadness surrounded it and all that every aspect of that. I was taking pictures of fall leaves with collapsed buildings. So I was like, I took my **** out for a short amount of time to relieve my human fluids. Yes, but.
Starting point is 00:34:10 We are three beers in each, tall boys. Yeah, which I didn't, I was being fed. And then hours in. So at some point you have to piss, but we're very close to, we're, that's great. Vassil's gonna take us to a place that's so and he it was to have we're gonna go get a drink finally it's five o'clock at night we just did a nine to five of killing people maybe and
Starting point is 00:34:43 he told that to a coffee shop that he knows I know it's his local when he lived there they all know him a place I would take you and he's like oh well I there is he doesn't drink he goes oh I don't know to a coffee shop that only has coffee. And we're like, okay. And then it's only the driver who probably also doesn't want to be in a very friendly coffee shop. With the f***ing Phoebe and all the people from Friends are there.
Starting point is 00:35:24 And I go, and this is the first time it came up. And we're there for like an hour. There was a young gal that kept asking for pictures with him. Like he was, you know, everywhere we went people recognized and wanted to do a photo. He looks just like Bob Dylan, like a young Bob Dylan. To the point where we thought we are the first person to tell him and then he started doing a spot on Bob Dylan impression in English. You did that for me on the podcast. Yeah, some of it in the jam, the hours long jam that we did. How does it feel? It feels like my ass is on fire. Can we get out of this middle seat? Um, so, so at some point I go,
Starting point is 00:36:06 Vasil, um, it's a pleasure to meet your friends. Sign the wall and this and that. Um, but, uh, at what point do you need a drink when you, you, you're just constantly thinking, did I just kill people? He said, I was hoping you wouldn't think about that until you got home. Oh, ouch. Wow.
Starting point is 00:36:41 So we found a place to get a drink. We had a few drinks. Oh my god with that awful euro Dance music crank data DJ. Oh, oh, it's his friend's other place that also serves alcohol and DJ euro And I'm going out to smoke just stop looking at me every time. You're wearing sunglasses so I don't see your hatred of me smoking. It's going to stop. Have you ever been in a war?
Starting point is 00:37:10 How many people did you kill while we were away? All right. You had to kill a few of the pets while I was away. So we're even. That's true. You had to kill Henry while I was doing shows in Boston. That's true. All right. So we're even. There's one pet. Yeah. So we go to this place, and I get a double shot of Jameson. $3.50 roughly for a shot. So $7 for a shot. I had three doubles waiting for us to get from
Starting point is 00:37:46 there to the train and no if anything exciting happened other than us we decided to ditch Vazio because he went into the bathroom we were done we paid out ready so we left and hit up around the corner for a minute and then so it goes from death ride to artillery to shooting to Cress odds to pull a prank on your friends and act like you left in the same day. Oh wow. Where did they go? They're marking graves. Oh my god. so we do this as we're hearing the shelling and the air raid sirens but at that point I had just dismissed all the air raid sirens talk a lot with Richard so that's why maybe you don't need to wear a headband. Well, they would get reports on their phone like when an Amber alert.
Starting point is 00:38:54 So they would go, you know, so we're getting inside information that we didn't have on our phones that would say what was going on and what to be aware of which we didn't get but Vosio would fill us in on and it became more... I was dancing I had my two we packed war bags we packed our main bags to Poland then what we could bring into Ukraine and then from Kyiv we packed our just war bags just for going to the front lines so I had my two war bags and I'm dancing to the air raids hyrins, because now I'm six shots in in a short period of time, and I'm doing my little Jameson dance,
Starting point is 00:39:32 who gives a fuck about an air raids hyrin, and we're being bombed heavily. Well, yeah, he goes, well, there are three bombs in the air, so listen for explosions. And we hear one in the distance. I think we're still dancing. And then our cab shows up and the city goes black because they blow up.
Starting point is 00:39:52 Well, another bomb hit, right? A second bomb or what? Well, I think I think there was just one. OK. And then the cab arrived. The lights all went off, though, after the bomb. Traffic lights. So now we're not going as fast, but we're going through city traffic with no traffic lights and the cab drivers like Racing like he won't like he doesn't want the second bomb to hit his cab Driving to us to the train station, which makes no sense when you think about it
Starting point is 00:40:21 It's like it's the, if you run in the rain or walk in the rain, how many drops are hitting you? Because if you run, you're hitting more drops. So if you're racing to a train station, you don't know where the bomb's coming. You might be racing into the bomb. Yeah, yeah. Or running, yeah, if you slow down,
Starting point is 00:40:38 you might get hit by it as well. Still not nearly as scary after six Jamisons. Jamison, we're looking for a liquor sponsor, especially a whiskey. Yep. Yeah, so we get out at the airport after, so we're jogging around. Train station.
Starting point is 00:40:53 Train station, a bombing, we're in the cabs, scared the out of us driving there. And then we get out and a guy goes to Vosio, hey, can I make a picture with you? And he stops and does a photo with the guy after a bombing just took place And people all race to get to the train station, and he stops and does a couple of pictures And then we get the out of there Forget it, but how long did we wait then and that was a bad day to forget your Xanax
Starting point is 00:41:23 And that was a bad day to forget your Xanax. Oh, fuck. Where'd you forget it? I left it back in Keev. What the fuck? I thought I'd packed everything for war. Yeah, I know. I don't know. I don't think we...
Starting point is 00:41:33 Always pack drugs for war. I think under the circumstances, we didn't need to be any slower on our feet than we were. slower on our feet than we were, you know. And then we were all in the same cabin, thank God, for whatever that was, a nine hour train ride back to Keef to our Holiday Inn, and that was one of the most surreal things is we're still processing all of this. And he's telling us, he's showing us video of the bomb that struck. I Instagram that that happened two miles away.
Starting point is 00:42:08 That's what I was dancing to like a bullsh**. Yeah. And then it cuts to me and Andy and Alex at a Holiday Inn breakfast buffet, just like anyone with the conveyor belt to make your toasts and a little Spanish bee playing but it did it do do do do that we're all looking at each other with and then and then Vasile tells us while we were away there they were not only bombed in Kiev, but they have good defenses. There were missile strikes in Kiev. But not only that, our driver, the bachelor, had to drive back from, he had to drop us
Starting point is 00:43:02 off in Kharkiv and go back to Dunbas where the artillery started and he told, told, Vassil that the entire road we had just driven for two and a half hours was on fire. They had bombed that entire stretch of road and where we're going to. So we were on a train like right in between them bombing home and bombing us and now we're at the holiday and the good news is we got rebooked we go back
Starting point is 00:43:32 and for Thanksgiving and we're gonna do a stretch through I wanted to be back for Super Bowl now joking Joking. kind of the whole time has been just gnawing to me is the biggest thing to me would be is there anything part of it the whole thing whatever part was like an epiphany to you that changed the way that you'll feel forever about well I think you I think you know feelings of I don't know if I killed anyone or not. Well that's, uh, I guess that would be the takeaway from the story. That's why I wanted to call you first, but I wanted someone new to the story to be on the podcast. But that's the best way to do it really, you know, because you really have plausible deniability. You know, it's Schrodinger's murder.
Starting point is 00:44:46 I've been, uh, You know? I've, here's my funniest way to justify it. Well, if I did kill people, I'll imagine who I killed. And it's the, uh, it's those Russian mobsters that made Burt Kreischer tell that story for so many years. That's why I wanted to call this podcast Rage Against the Machine.
Starting point is 00:45:17 A bad day to forget your Xanax if we cut it up into parts. Oh Jesus. And then yeah. Yeah I probably would not have you know felt like it was a 4th of July firing you know it was a lot like firing the guns you know it's like oh I thought you know I assumed we weren't aiming. Pulled a lever. You know that's all I did I was following orders.. So that I would have stepped away from. I said that I see in that and I I hope he gives us. Did he give you the footage of that guy before we ever went to the front? Vassil sent me a video of a guy, his friend at the front
Starting point is 00:46:04 just at a mortar, and he had written a killer joke from Doug Stanhope on it, and then dropped it and poom, and ah! You gotta give me that. That's before we were actually there. So, it was the killer joke from Doug Stanhope. We're gonna do it. Doug, welcome to Donbass.
Starting point is 00:46:24 Yeah! So, welcome to Donbass! One arrow! They are so happy! But then if you can blur some around the soldier, because, it's some rules because We will find you and destroy And yeah, I thought that was the most action we were gonna see But just seeing the grand scale of it, you know it's like when I went well it isn't like but when I went up through the Mackenzie River after the fire and And it was an area
Starting point is 00:47:05 I loved and beautiful stretch of nature and it was devastated and on a scale so you couldn't comprehend until you drove through it He could barely jack off at it Not eat on it though Ian is one of human Nature's tricks against you know, you got shit and you gotta piss in both ways. But you don't have to jack off on. No, no, I didn't jack off on the fires. I mean, it's worse.
Starting point is 00:47:30 But this, going through towns and feeling the misery and seeing the desperation and the dogs everywhere and burnt out buildings and shit, if it doesn't change you, then you've already seen it. Or you don't have. We't have been on the pitching end of warfare We've not had people invading us where you go. Oh, okay. I have to fight Like there it's it's not patriotism at that point. It's like I live here. I have to
Starting point is 00:48:02 Family safety neighbor safety or friend safety. Your own f***ing... yeah. And you feel that connection too with people there. See to me I look forward to that because to me that will be the final disconnection. Because that's what I've been saving up all this ammo for. And then now you're just a food source. So I don't have to team up with anybody. If I shoot them I can have
Starting point is 00:48:25 all their food. Well that feels like it. We've never been in that position. No one's invaded America where you have to. We've always been more of a Russia than a Ukraine. I fantasize about it. I've got three places where I drive around. One that's got big solar array and water tanks and I've got sniper positions that I I drive around. They got one that's got big solar array and water tanks, and I've got sniper positions that I can take them out so I can move in there whenever it hits the fence. We all secretly manipulate in different ways.
Starting point is 00:48:58 I wondered about, you know, seeing that sort of reality, because like I said, I've never seen it. So that's brutal. Yeah, I'm not sure we, you know, we fully, you know, you know, it's brutal compared to what you're afraid of, because I have claustrophobia issues. And it's not just a bad rapper, not all rap is bad bad not you're a bad at it the limousine the claustrophobia where you go oh okay if if something strikes the power goes out just like the lights went out what if I'm in an elevator I would absolutely I
Starting point is 00:49:38 don't know what I would do like I like there was a time I I didn't take the elevator till Alex got in it because he's tall enough. If there is one of those secret escape hatches at the top, like you see in movies, he'd be, I couldn't reach it. I know. But I always think like that. If I ever say, you know what, I had a premonition that I was going to die doing this. Well, that's cause I have a premonition about dying about everything that I do. I would have been most afraid of not having access to weed. That's why I I'm sorry if it was weed but I did make sure the first thing I told Vassil when he was gonna be our guide is hey these guys they don't they
Starting point is 00:50:24 don't like weed. They need it. That's how I figured out Key was civilized. I had to find a weed store and I couldn't find a weed store. So, but I found a pipe store and they had a two hitters that look like a cigarette. So I got a few of those. And then when, when we got a little bit of weed, it was good. It was good.
Starting point is 00:50:42 Hang on. Am I wrong? When you went to the first weed store, which I overhear him we have adjoining rooms So the doors open and I hear him Saying to Alex. Yeah, I spent five hundred dollars on pipes. That's five hundred You can answer. I don't know. We still don't know what they're It's like yeah, it's like winning at a We still don't know what they're good. It's like yeah, it's like winning at a
Starting point is 00:51:09 Didn't I load your pipes for you? No? He goes you want it? I got another pipe and he goes do you want it packed and I was like oh, yeah Yeah, you know and then he just pulled out bubble wrap Not what I met Not what I meant. Dude, he upsold you for Pax. Yeah, cause you couldn't... Saw you coming. It was marked up. Manish Kada, sorry is the only word I learned.
Starting point is 00:51:31 The only word that guy learned is Pax. Pax! If you hear American, you say Pax? And then John Bond. And then Vlad will come out. Oh, sorry. Don't f't with these. Then yeah then the last night we just went to the open mic and I did some more half-assed bits just we both went on stage just so we could
Starting point is 00:51:56 you know say we went on stage and then did the yeah too hard I mean it was like I had a just a basic idea to follow and I couldn't even follow that because I mean, it was a pretty It seemed to me like you guys just play to each other in a situation like that. Well, it was, I mean, when you came in as a surprise, oh my god, this guy that only us know came to our country. And then you come back from actual, oh, this is a war. And yeah, I don't know how to play this so we did more meet and greets there's a girl that wouldn't stop crying I still forgot your name but it's in my Instagram and the lovely Kate yes Kate and Nadia and We can't forget her Vasilio he keeps calling Vazio. It's Vaseel
Starting point is 00:52:51 So I'm gonna call him Vaseelio. Yeah, you do your thing Vase it's a V a s y l how do you get an IO in there? E I E I O We can't His wife's name is it Liz? Like all I know is is see all of us forgot and they were the most beautiful bingo and Doug Chad and Jenny. Chad and Jenny. So like they're just such a perfect and they're a young couple too like these two Sorry those two
Starting point is 00:53:35 Choke inside Did you uh Yeah, oh Yeah, they did take us out to sushi. Yeah, it's hard to even put it in a sequence of when it happened. At the end of it, I was first day drunk Andy, I was last day drunk Stan Hope. We did a podcast, I don't know if it was in English or not. We drank some Dunbass
Starting point is 00:54:05 apple cider oh yeah give into it best apples from the troops and and they go it was very strong I and then I don't remember much till sushi I remember picking up a piece and then I don't then we're on a train we have to go back to Poland and now it's there. Oh, yeah. Three story, three seater, all sleeping cars. Again, there's no coach. It's all, yeah, World War II coach. But these are three bunks, so we're doing the three stooges.
Starting point is 00:54:40 Khrrrrr. Me, me, me, me, me. Sorry, I caught you in the mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a mouthful. Yeah, I could have died trying to. 15 hours of that, but I smuggled in three Syracueil, three for the way in, three for the way out, and it knocked. 15-hour train ride. They came in passports at the border of the train side. Light in your face. They hand it back. No f***. Yeah. I was never so happy to be able to present my passport.
Starting point is 00:55:12 It was like oh f***. It was just terrifying to wake up in the middle of the night from a deep sleep with a light in your face. Passport! Welcome home fellas. Back to freedom. we could go back cliffhanger Thanks for watching!

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