The Doug Stanhope Podcast - A Fleet of Lawyers

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

*Originally Uploaded as Doug & Andy Go Down Deep Into Mexico to Patreon and Youtube Members with footage of the guys getting dentistry down in Mexico Doug, Chad Shank and Andy Andrist reminisce about prank calls, petty scams and abandoned hidden-camera ideas before turning the FunHouse into a writers' room for an elaborate new prank. Plus: frivolous lawsuits, Killer Termites, AI, Ridiculousness and why it's always handy to have a fleet of lawyers. For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/stanhope  If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpod 

In an isolated moment, this is just part of a day between Mexican dentistry, a handgun, a tutelage from... And times prepping, I call it. And he bought a handgun and didn't know how to use it. I got a Glock and I know how to rhyme. I still have no questions about that process. I don't know. What about getting the gun?

No, no, no, you can't... You know, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying, this is... These are both an office podcast are separate, but we can iso this and say, hey, we did a podcast in the middle of this before we go to

back to our mics to see his brand new bar, and then Floyd is having a 75th birthday party. We got you. Oh, this is fucking great. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to take full credit. Guess who I flew with.

Yeah. No, Stanhope, let him surprise them. I know. But I'm gonna- Later, later, later. I'm gonna, hey, Floyd, Okay. Okay, let me get the...

Okay, let me get the... Stay here, stay here, stay here. Boy! Hey, ladies and gentlemen! I didn't know what to get Floyd for his birthday. So I flew in two of his favorite ladies. Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, uh, phone Oh, telephone pranks. I'm terrible at, uh,

uh, on camera pranks, but phone pranks. We have no excuse why we don't have a, like a jerky boy's album. the amount of time I go, I have no time for that. I have all the time in the world. And all it would take is a fucking edible and a bottle of wine.

And you two train up the phone. And a lawyer. You used to work me up all the time by praying calls. Yeah. Then they just turned angry. Then it was straight up Karen with no clever fucking twist. You know, I had a bunch of. that would do phone calls like that in high school.

And he'd always start off. My favorite one was where we called people on Christmas Eve and tell them we were the local radio station that they won a Christmas tree. And we already have a Christmas tree. You're like, well, you want it. So you'll have to come down and make it up. But then it would always devolve just into meanness

where you're just calling people you knew from school's parents and you're pretending you were that. You would pretend he was them. I broke down. I wrecked your car. Fuck you, mom. This fucking saying horrible stuff to people's parents. It was a, Becker and I were at the Copper King up in Butte, Montana.

That's our sister city. We're the Copper Queen City. They're also a Copper Town. Copper King back in young tribal days. And we were sharing a room on the road. And the guy across the hallway. Housekeeping comes to his door. Housekeeping, you need service.

And he evidently said he's staying there. Okay, sorry. And so then I pick up the phone and I call the guy's room and say, hey, do you need housekeeping? Are you checking out or what? He goes, no, I'm staying another day. I just told it later. I go, well, tell me so I can tell my staff, these people don't pay for them fucking themselves, Jesus, it's assholes like click.

Then we rolled around on our beds laughing. Then we call back trying to hold in the laugh and said, Yes, I'm sorry, this is Don. I'm the general manager. I heard how my employee just spoke with you, and I was appalled. He's a new hire, and I have no one to blame but myself. So I hope you will accept my own.

apology, we're going to comp your room for your stay as well as comp anything that you want from the restaurant. You just sign that to your room and I'll write it off when you're ready to check out. And the man has been let go right away. All right. Talk about mean. Holy shit. That's levels. Yeah, but it's one of those where you go, I'll never see a payoff to this. Yeah. But I can imagine all this different outcomes. And they're all. great. This was a typical, well, middle school and non-woke, but I call a group of friends. We called up the two retarded guys, Bill, Bill and Sam, they were kind of, you know, they were

friends, but, and fake the voice of the one invited Sam to stay overnight at Bill's and vice versa. Oh, shit. And they both showed up at school, you know, as they were waiting, we'd see them at the bus thing, and they both had sleeping bags. They had a later bus, so we didn't get to wait to see. You know, they're going to have to decide which bus are we supposed to get on. But, yeah, the hidden camera could have stayed with Bill and Sam.

And they probably just worked it out and fell into one of the buses. But it was just hilarious. I'm great at hidden camera if I'm behind it. Yeah. I just, yeah, once the camera's going. Like, we had the, when Alex was, like, buying the initial rounds of funny shit, like okay this is something we can clip onto a shopping cart and then just go through Safeway and just talk to people who talk to me and and I'm like I don't I'm never going to

fuck with anyone to make this funny yeah you're doing like I can't oh like a bad grandpa thing but you wouldn't want to do that in your safe way right exactly I would have to go out of town and I'm still like yeah and Sierravis you have to go out of Arizona and then it's a whole operation that's why impractical jokers was all right the joke's really on them like you're never making putting the person uh like on the spot or making them look like a dildo you're making yourself look like a dildo to get their reaction which yeah i'd be more likely to be able to pull off some of that yeah their premise lost me though after like the first few seasons and then that one tv channel

just showed it non-stop yeah true tv yeah they know you're like you're like There's no way that there's people who don't know what this is. Yeah, well, it's true TV. First of all, people don't know what basic cable stuff is now. Well, but they turn all that into those reels. Those reels are everywhere. All right. But yes.

Well, here, she just turned that on. There's 8 billion channels. So yes, you can very much not know what that channel is or where to find that channel. There's... Yeah, now you've got to... go if you were, do you know who I am? No, I'm famous, but yeah, maybe you don't follow my platforms, but I'm really

famous on Twitch or whatever. I would just think if you're in public, the whole thing you'd have, you know, somebody's got fucking no. They, I think they started, I haven't watched the show

in years, but the worst was doing it in L.A. I don't know why you'd ever film something in LA because everyone's so savvy to the fucking cameras and the so you you prank them and they fall for it and then you go oh hey hey you're great sign this release and they go oh you have to talk to my agent I'm Sag After and they know they have leverage yeah because they know how much money you're spending on that shoot so they can Jimmy the company you do that in Minnesota

they're oh my god I'm going to be on TV tell all my friends I'm on television Did you hear that, Barbara? I'm about to be a movie star. These kids, oh my God, did they get me? They tricked me. I thought it was a basketball, but it was a bowling ball. But that's why you see, like, a lot of those. I don't know that.

But the old, the sci-fi TV ones were, like, the most brutal. Like, you've got to be getting sued all the time. They'd scare, scare tactics. That's what it was called. But that's why they always accomplish someone, where you see their friend come in. Your friends set you up. You see that on so many hidden camera shows.

And then the guy turns all, like, you motherfucker, Steve, I'm going to get you back for this shit. And that's the only reason they do that is so they sign the release. Now it's a buddy thing, and you got me in. I'm going to get you back. They're signing with their left hand

and not even thinking about it. wait how many billions of years my Scientologist I signed what Ridiculousness just when it's going off the air I mean it's been on the air for 20 years Something like that that's that one of the closest I got to 86ing both Derek and Kenny from the house For real was when one of them

Downloaded ridiculousness on the Fun House TV recorded it. Yeah, recorded like all, record all episodes. So there's like 178 episodes of ridiculousness, which makes me so physically mad. Like, I thought. You must have had to pay Devo because they, you know, that's one of the biggest, that might be the biggest profits they get is they somehow, that song got chosen to open ridiculousness.

Wow. You know, a Devo thing. So Devo gets a fat check every month from that. The very first time I saw what that was, I have tried to pretend that doesn't exist. I'm glad. Do not ever look it up, don't ever know. It's Toch. Point O, you do know what it is

because you've heard me fucking grouse. It's Toch point O, but you take out the Tosh and put in some fucking 60-year-old skater guy that still wears his hat side of him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and he talks like, oh, dang. and then he has like three fucking complete idiots on the panel

so they show a clip like Tosh Point O and it's a skateboarder and he falls down some stairs and he goes, oh dang! What'd you think about that, Pedy? And then the panel goes, ah, that's not gonna, that's gonna hurt in the morning. And it's nothing. It's not even an attempt for a joke.

It's a lot like that show. They show on ridiculousness, kick me in the balls or something. Oh, on idioticocracy. Idiocracy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's one of my dick, I think. It's one of those things where I should probably, I get mad at the wrong target, but I don't want to watch that.

I don't want to know that exists because somewhere I'll be like, maybe I should assassinate that guy. I mean, I don't know. It's my fallback. And I did a bit about this, I think, in 2012 where, yeah, I'm still angry, but now I just want to kill people. Like, I know how to load a clip. I have more jokes than that.

But you're, you're, you're, target is the people who watch this and go oh they're just like us yes sitting around watching kicked in the balls videos with no jokes they do it so now you feel like your friends I don't know that's annoys me so yeah they should die and the people watching should die now that I know how to load a gun I can participate Need a place to fire it. I hope you got all your basics down.

Yeah, I think, I mean, those were, I mean, I had specifics. Like, you know, I just didn't want to jam those bullets in wrong. Watch some YouTube videos. Look it up, you know. I know how to run from the police with my baggy pants falling off. You're already on the list. Don't worry about your algorithm getting messed up. Hey, you want to send us weird shit.

Send us, yeah, send us to, uh, most, obscure stupidest YouTube how-to video. I gotta clean a cut. Please do some homework for me. We had a prank for one of the hidden camera shows. We had a couple

that I just couldn't do because I couldn't stop laughing. One was stinky feet where I put stink bomb spray into shoes. I went into shoe stores to buy new shoes because they used to, and I hadn't bought shoes retail in years.

Measure your foot. Yeah. And the idea was they'd take off your shoe. And this was probably when you were a kid, which is probably the last time I bought shoes from a shoe store that sized your feet with the foot sizer. It was right. It's like, yeah, like it's Sears and Robo.

Exactly what I was just thinking. Yes. But your kids, mom would bring you out back to school. You get tough skins, or am I going to get Levi's cords finally? not be picked on. Yeah, I kind of expected that's how you... So I thought the guy's face would be right in my shoe. And that's not how it worked.

And we're in this fucking horrible neighborhood. But farts, poop, anything like that, just make me laugh automatically. So just spraying it in my shoes and imagining, walking in there, knowing how shit smell you... I would just like in hysterics and you go... Stink doesn't show up. on camera anyway, so let's scrap the gag.

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Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash Stanhope for free shipping and 365 days returns. Quince.com slash Stanhope. Remember we did like that free lunch thing where we went in and we were going to. Yeah. And then we couldn't find the right angle. Right. It was just awkward.

And, you know, What's that the corporate? That would be the way to do it. One of those free if you sit through this thing, you get a free lunch. So we're all in there miced up, but we couldn't really figure out the right angle to make it very funny. Except for that's, we overlooked the simplest thing. You just need to, we each need to have a fart machine in our pocket and just sit on one

head from the other and rip farts had each other throughout the whole thing. I would fall apart. We should do our own make me laugh. Yeah, we need we need, like, it can't be that mechanical. You can do the, uh, side.

We need more real farts. You might need a diet. Find a YouTube, find a YouTube how to a video of how to make a diet that makes you fart horrifically. And you guys could be there.

Guaranteed. And then order a bulk of dead cats for your microphone. You could use yourself. Like you could be the guy doing the presentation and then just have two people or three, you know, two or three marks in the group and everybody at like dinner theater and the other ones don't know what's going on. We did have. We had Christine Levine and Gary Lucy there.

And I think the Australians were there. yes but you for one of them yeah how would you get the people but yeah

you pitching the product bring them to the presentation and have a yeah you put out

the flyer yeah the company yeah wait even better you accomplice it

so we have a Derek say Kenny take it one more of those things

he signed us up for free me oh yeah yeah oh we can fucking play can't

this. We could punk Kenny. This is inside the writer's room this podcast. Yeah. Yes, good idea, Andy. You got the jackets. You could do a presentation.

We just, it's like that show where the jury, either the fake jury or the, anyway, but like that works. Yeah, yeah. You know, everybody's got hidden cameras except the marks.

Oh, we have everybody in on it. Yeah, you know, you can pull them aside. I think that'd be a lot easier on getting permission and stuff. Yeah. I think this is getting weird, Right, or, you know, you know, you could pull somebody aside to get more out of me. Still, I think I'm thinking about buying one of these units.

We need extras. It's going to be too good to be true deal. We need someone to play the part. Like, how do they fuck with Kenny is the... Fish for a month. Yeah. It's a Pokemon card scheme. I hate this.

I wouldn't do this. One of the hidden cameras wanted me to go to the door. doorbell and give the giant check you've won a million and then it's like in small print it says pennies or something whatever like and no you don't want to get someone's hopes

up really high and then like oh that wasn't really that funny for a minute I thought I could pay for grandma's transplant but no she's still going to die yeah I got one of those I actually did win an award or a prize

it was a course Corvette that it was a little, it was a, I don't even remember signing up for it. I went to like a wine thing or whatever and signed up and it was a radio guy calling out and saying, hey, you want a Corvette. And I took it like, you know, somebody's fucking with me or I really didn't give a shit, you know. Yeah. And, you know, and that was the proper attitude because, I mean, it was cool to give my daughter when she was a toddler, but that's what it was like a little Barbie Corvette.

Yeah. God, that was just in a documentary where. I would have jumped on it going, really a car? I want a car. And then it was like, ha, ha, ha, ho. It's a, I would have been pissed off about it. Well, it was that it was that biography about Crazy Eddie. You know,

remember the iconic, I'm giving this stuff away. And the whole backstory to that is fucking phenomenal. It's a great audible book. It's a search Crazy Eddie audible book. I can't remember the name. But like how, what crooks they were, like the whole

the crime and scam, an angle of behind the scenes, it's very good, but they would do, like, promotions where they had, like, Rick D's or one of those, like, 80s and they would promote that he was going to jump, like,

18 cars, and come on down, and, you know, crazy eddies, and he's going to do it in the parking lot. And it would be 18 little tiny cars on a little dwarf scooter. I don't know. I doubt he's scammed, but, well, he could have scammed, but Tom Peterson in Portland. He's just like an old school flat top haircut, and most of, I don't know if most,

he was always in the papers, you know, he was a very, his face big and front and center, and he was, do promotions on Portland wrestling where he'd have a TV and displaying a colored TV and then eventually some shit would go down where the TV got knocked. That's a very cool way to promote a mom and pop's TV store is to get in, crashed on TV with the All right, so we make Kenny I don't do what Hey

We have to make Kenny We have to make Kenny fuck up this presentation somehow Or fuck up our gag Hey Kenny's gonna know that we're We're trying to make a gag I don't know, like any idea Writer's Room

You're gonna figure out all the easiest ideas first and then dismiss them. Like, uh, then the cops are going to come. No, it's been done. It's a gag within a gag. We got a bunch of, no, this would backfire quickly, but a bunch of dudes and then it's a presentation about your, you know, becoming trans or whatever. Do they think they're coming there for, I'm curious about what the presentation is supposed to be. It's just a free lunch. To him, it's a free lunch. Okay. They stick them with the tab at the end. This is not a free lunch. told you.

Yeah, this is not free. That'll be $900 for your... Tell him it's Nambla and see how long he stays. Oh, yeah. We haven't brought my chicken yet. Hold on. Kenny, you're going to be the last guy to stay here. Get his reaction on this GoPro of what happens when we all walk out on him.

And don't remote. react just get his emotion all eight of us are gonna get up and walk out like this is a shit fucking product and we just need you to stay in there for three minutes don't say anything just catch him going ballistic or whatever he does I will meet in the parking lot and that's when he's like well they have to pay they haven't paid those people didn't pay you're with them right I saw you walk in with them, right? We got to find the...

Oh, I need the... And then the reveal is his wife walks in and starts blowing his boss in front of him. See, you just proved my point. My point was going to be, I think we need to find... I don't even know how to put it and be polite. A second...

Can we beat a horse that's not dead? How about a... Let's find somebody besides Kenny. How about it? No, not, this is your idea. Didn't you just come up with this? Maybe I named Kenny. A sex doll timeshare.

Five or six days pitch in on a lifelike sex doll. It's like having, you know, a relationship. You get her for three nights a week and you clean her up and take her to your friend, drop her off. eventually they'll be those there's probably are there probably are without even Googling it brothels of

where dudes bought like you know a bunch of sex dolls and then have tourists come and fuck them for right there's just like a there's like a fleshlight whorehouse

there has to be by now yeah yeah I'm sure there had to be glory holes that are just like Indian call centers yeah

they just hit oh yeah that's such a good cock. Oh, and they got a fucking raw slab of beef liver over there mitten and just tugging it off

and hitting the sound effect button while they're... There's not going to be anybody in the, well, the verbal sex market, or you know, it's all A, you've got to be all AI by now. Why would you hire

some cracked out bitch to get on the phone, you know, to work the phone or, yeah, They don't have those anymore, right? Hi, baby. Oh, phone section. Yeah, no, I've looked them up. 976 first and then 900 numbers were for anything.

That was like, do you want to hear a recorded message from Chris Cross? Are you putting your fingers in your pussy? You sound like you're AI. No, baby. I'm putting it. Yeah, there's just no competing in that market anymore. I felt like I walked bingo. No, I feel like I'm tripping for some reason.

Oh, yeah, you know what? You feel like you're tripping because all that weed smoke. No, there has, this is, me and Chad. It's not, no, it's not nearly as brutal. Me and Chad had to talk about that, and we're being insensitive to other people's health conditions by smoking this room up. No, I don't think of that. All right, yeah, you got it. Got it.

And I dosed you. No, I didn't, but. Yeah. You dozed me in my drink. Yeah. I rufeited it, but I might have had the ingredients wrong. What'd you put in my dream? Might have just been a peanut M&M.

That's it. That, Andy, Chad and I were talking about different ways to season a chicken or some shit. Just one of those boring fucking conversations that you go, you know, it doesn't mean you're aging. We've always had boring conversations. We just didn't think, oh. Now because I'm old, it makes me boring. Right. Well, yeah, I've been getting the way.

No, like the, I know one place was 60 is the, you know, discount. But this other one, I haven't looked it up, but the store goes, are you qualified for the discount? I go, you know, it's like I'm active military. Me and Doug are both still. We're on call. Until that war's over, we're still. I mean, it might be for trial like Lieutenant Callie, but. When me and Doug get called by the Ukrainian troops,

we will know things went really bad for our unit, and everybody is dead, and we have to train the new people coming in. Hey, there's your Polly Shore reboot. No, what they're going to do is they're going to take, like, you know, the Gaza Strip type of footage of a dad holding his 20-week-old child. You're going, yeah, there's carnage all around. and after the war tribes

crimes tribunal then they're going to find the date and whatever and then come back to us and we're going to be in like an old folks home all smiling and fucking we got bingo rigged not you the game and we have our own oceans 11 going on

we know a guy that can get a Salisbury steak in the middle of the night yeah and then that's where just like all those fucking Nazis that are still finding them at 101 years old and putting them on trial. Yeah, we got it made. And then they go, no,

because of AI, they can now tell exactly which can pull the lever, killed what person's 20 week year old baby. Aye, why? You thought tracer round meant what? That means we can trace it back to you. I would definitely

worn a mask while firing? I don't know. There's just no way. We wouldn't, I mean, we're old-school warriors. We wouldn't, in this new battlefield, it's mostly robots. Well, here's the thing. You know how they say that in heaven, you know, God will judge you, he sees everything, he knows everything, you're going to face your maker. But before you can get to that, someone's going to make an app.

that yeah you can't hide from anything including your own thoughts now just start telling the truth now because someday there's going to be an app that fucking reads your mind and you go I hope that wasn't a hard end and the app is going to say yes it was God that was AI

I'm fucking serious somebody made that that has a grudge oh yeah I do that's the beauty of it they really do have grudges and they really are dark people

imagine living being young and just deceptive in a time when it's a legit that didn't really happen is a legitimate excuse if you want to be you know I was a con artist back when you had to have

a rotary dialed telephone now it's the entire way of life these kids Doug actually did did well tell him marketing and stuff, but I was always, I was always, uh, uh,

think, always, or not always, but when I spotted opportunity, I would think, I like I tried to shove my roommate down on a slick floor at a grocery store. He's six, five and I go, go with it, man. Hit the floor and,

uh, and we'll sue. I tried to do it on my own just as a secure, well, I was a security guard in a warehouse and then I, I got something slippery and, uh, I got to get out of here. I didn't want to,

quit because it was a temp job but I got something slippery and then slipped on it in case her cameras and then went and told him I yeah I slipped really bad and uh like oh all right well get so-and-so to clean it up and that was all the fortitude I had I just collapsed I don't know where that fits in the you know human you know like man and in the growth of man or whatever where the where the where were the slip and fall guys or whatever that were you looking for a way to get your quick buck where did that come about yeah but that's the That's where I, you know, I was always looking, when I worked at a furniture store, I was planning a robbery.

I don't know if that was to get through the hours at work or I really did think I was going to be able to pull off a complete robbery. Yeah, we actually just passed the place. And I go, isn't that the place Chad had as, like his bailout, burning rob? Yep, that was a local one. Eatery. My first, the first thing I can remember, though, what I thought is, I was like, can you tell?

Like, if someone says, I can't see out of this eye, is there a way for a doctor to be like, yeah, he can see out of that eye? He's lying. Or is that just as subjective. It's the old trading. Hang on. This is why I told you to practice with your gun earlier. It's on my camera.

Practice your gun on him with the one eye. And you tell me if there's a way you can see it. Do I already seen in my pants. I've been so long to you. you? Derek. Well, because my plan when I was young, I can remember having this idea was that I could take Swave and get in my eye in the shower and then tell Swab that I'm now blind in my eye from

whatever they put in this batch of shampoo and get some sort of settlement out of it. I got pert down the end of my dick and it stings like a motherfucker. Man, you know what? I wouldn't get my eye off. You're going to know exactly how that happened. I'm a shout out to our friends that we've been ignoring over there on the cameras. Yeah, we need more. We have a fleet of lawyers.

We had a bigger fleet of lawyers until a lot of them got moved up to judges, which, I guess, in the long run, is better depending on your motives. But, yeah, we need a local, we need a local Jay Kirshner. You need a billboard guy that works for you. but Jay Kirshner, I saw an old message. Well, now it's an old message, but it wasn't that long ago. Him getting a hold of, hey, could you do a shout out to my friend Peter, who was one of the lawyers in the spleen thing?

And I just saw it like a week or so ago, so obviously too late. That'd be funny to do a video for his birthday that passed like five months ago. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, no, I don't. I'd like to think that I won't live a life where I'll need a lawyer, but it's nice to have one that you know that you can relate to it. But I thought frivolous lawsuits would be maybe a funny angle for a few things, where you go, I know Kershner would be into it,

but I don't know how that works with lawyers going across state lines. Like, we have a few. We have so many lawyers that will do shit just for fun. but if they're still lawyers but it'd be fun if we had a you know what I honestly hate using the killer termites thing anymore it just kind of

it's dated and it sounds a bit juvenile I mean it was great when it happened but for anyone who doesn't know but everybody has a name you know for we had squirrels but the squirrels for issues with Andy

but we never I guess we didn't need to mobilize them for anything. But I did like the idea of the termites of a group of people who would, you know... Yeah, but if you know the root of it where it was our

fans standing up to one journalist in the UK who called them and then they came at me Alice E. Pearson Allison Pearson I knew it was cut something. Yeah, Alice Cunt Pearson.

Yeah, and that was God, that was 2012, I believe. and she referred to you, the fans, the listeners, the people, the folks are friends as killer termites. They came at me like a pack of killer termites. So it's not like we just made up like organic. Like before that we did a non-organic one of sausage army. It's sort of like that.

Which is funny on favor. For some reason, I always thought of that fire amp bit. that you did about the lady getting eaten by the gods and sending the fire ants and thinking that that was an extension of that. What was? Well, the termites were, you know, God sent fire ants to crawl through the wall and eat or yeah. She called the people who called her a cunt killer termites.

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and discreetly to your door, plus free gifts on qualifying orders and after your order, fill out the survey and tell him Doug Stanhope sent you. And what was the whole thing about is something about Locked in syndrome Is that what started? Yeah, Tony Nicklinson.

I still remember the guy's name. He had locked in syndrome, which is basically like the last stages of LAS. He has to blink at a screen to communicate. He's like in his 50s. And he was fighting for the right to die because you can't blink yourself to death. You need assistance.

And she wrote this op-ed piece shitting on him. Like why? You know, I can. think of other people with this condition that don't complain about it. Stephen Hawking comes to mind. Are you really? Life is what happens between blinks.

Each blink is a glimpse into a new world. Yeah, it's just like... Anyway. Yeah, I've always been of a mind that if somebody's can, you know, wants the fucking exit, you know. And this woman, you have to understand. She worked for one of the biggest newspapers in the UK out of 40.

They still have so much newspapers. Coward way out. Take the coward. Yeah, she was just like in the snarky-cuntiest way, shitting on a guy who is just blinking, kill me. Please kill me. And so I just wrote on Twitter, hey, look at what this cunt said about this boy with a link. Yeah.

And they fucking just destroyed. I mean, that's a hot take that, you know, it's like people go, I don't usually write these letters, but God damn it, fucking bitch, you know, that hits right home. Don't worry. We have not invoked any kind of, like, it would take a lot for me to go, hey, I don't know what platform you're on now, but I'd figure out all the platforms to put out a call to arms. it would have to be something massive. I like that the last one was to make Killer Termite Day in Bisbee. Yeah.

It was for a positive thing. And it was pretty funny. It's a real thing now. But there was Troy Holm was the guy that was, had this whole blog where he took just all my stories and replaced me.

Yeah, that was the first one. Or they were both around the same time. Allison Pierce and Killer Turmites and Troy Holm. This was a guy that was putting out. If it happened today, you'd go, oh, he had AI replace his name, my name with his name. It was that, like, specific. He was taking stuff off my website. It's kind of a funny story, if I remember it, right? Because wasn't he, he was like a good-looking enough guy. He was using your stories to, like, get pussy and stuff. He was- I have no idea.

I would love to talk to him. He would love to make up with that. He was using all your stories to be cool, but he, because he wasn't cool. If anyone could find, hang up, if anyone could find Troy Holm and offer him an olive branch,

I would pay Troy Holm to come on this podcast to make up. I love that. Because it was such overkill what people went out of their way to ruin that guy's life. It's the reason you will not find Troy home. He deleted every trace of himself.

One alleged lady said, hey, this Troy Holm like she knew him. And you know what? He was just trying to, and I'm like, you know what? But go ahead. Sorry. Oh, shit, no, I have space. Yeah. Yeah, that would definitely be someone I would want to, like, make up.

Oh, I was thinking of, I mean, this is different, but I, it's like, it's like, anyway, It's like you might be owed money or whatever. Check your name. And I checked my name and I was owed. I was owed money for working at a restaurant in Carson City, which I didn't. But I was like, oh, like, you know, $1,200. Not me, you know, but somebody was. But I attempted to steal money from somebody with the same exact name as me.

Wait, have you guys obviously you've Googled, I don't know how recently, but have you found other people with your, because you? Chad Shank and Andrew Andrist are pretty unique. I think I'm kind of, I don't know. I found other Doug Stanops and called him, and it was like a 78-year-old farmer in Kansas. You know, we have the same name. People have pointed out repeatedly to me

that there is a guy with the same name, and he is a young twink of a gay pop singer. Oh. Yeah. Wow. What shank? That checks. Yeah, that should be past tense.

Chad shanked. Yeah. You can't be a bottom and be shanked. You have to be shanked. Yeah, he looks. Chad, whole and one. I don't know how it works. Do you want a bigger bottom, don't you?

You don't want a smaller... So I am 60. Nothing to hold, you know? And he's looking up his own age. Yeah. Well, I mean, No, have you ever looked, you don't do it now?

You're not Jim Norton where you can be hilarious and tweet at the same time? I ain't tweet. So have you ever found another Andrew interest? Well, just that one, I mean, that one and that was just by,

you know. I was going to say production could be looking this effort so the talent doesn't have to. Yeah. Where's our, where's our Baba Booie? I'm not going to say any current references because I don't ever want to be looked at like I have any idea what the current landscape of comedy looks like. Come on.

Bobaboo is the current reference. Poor Bobaboo. No, nobody. Yeah, no. I think he still gets paid. I think he's still an employee. You had the, uh, well, stern.

I did get, I did get a Christmas card from Howard and Beth. as we do every year, and it said, congratulations on beating us in the ratings. Really? No. No. But you did believe it for a second for a reason.

First of all, one of the eBay yard sales, by the way, including this coat tonight. Oh, man, that's it. Brown with the thick 70s fucking beige. what do you call that? Piping. Anyway, yeah. But on one of the eBay yard sales,

we first got our Christmas card, signed Christmas card from Beth and Howard back in the olden days. And we did it. We threw that in the eBay yard sale. And then it came back because it didn't pass. It was not their fucking signature. It was like someone tried to What do you call it?

Certificate of Authenticity. C-O-A. And I'm like, that's not his signature. I'm like, mother-fuck. So it's old enough that I wrote about it on my website. It was before social media was a thing, I think. But yeah, so now he doesn't sign him at all. Maybe it was social media days

where I just bitched about it on social media because it made them stop for having someone to auto-pen them, which I don't even know what that means. I don't either, but you might not remember this, but we remember the bar, Schwarzenegger owned or co-owned there in Venice. Yeah, Schlotsky.

Schatzies, Shotsies, Shotsies, Shotsies. Schlotsky's sandwich, Shotsie, two Superbowls. And it was a, we drank there quite a bit, but I don't know how it was maybe, staff or something that anyway we were there a day after Arnold was there for he was there in the area for a Christmas party and he just brought a stack of eight by ten head shots to hand out to people like man that would have been just ridiculous like you know hello how are you here's my headshot to you yeah it just seemed like it would be like you I think I've told this story on the podcast but when

I first had sick oh out some kid from the club was helping me set up a table so I could sell merch for one of the first times down of Florida and he goes yeah I helped whoever was the headliner last week and he didn't even offer me a free CD and I'm like I would have never had the

moxie the hubris to assume you'd want a CD you work here I would assume and I do that's why I don't do two shows in a club if I can help it in the same night or week

because I'm so thinking the staff is so fucking tired of hearing jokes. Why would you want a CD of what you had to sit through all week? And so, yeah, it gives you perspective that you don't listen to. I like to keep the audience high. Would you rather, like, offer someone something of yours that they hate or not offer them and then only to find out that they hate. hate you because you didn't. I always thought my CD

for that was a pitch or whatever. It's like, you know, I was trying to, you'd buy a box of them and then you were, you were, it's like starting with Kirby vacuum. You've got to buy a bunch of inventory to get into business and then you got to sell them for twice what you paid for them.

But, that this was, this would make a great white elephant gift. Do you have a relative, do you not, you know, if you don't like me then imagine, you know, passing the server. That was a selling point of the CD is make it

just a shit gift. Yeah, I hate gift to somebody. We're doing a man show? All right. I think that we are going to wrap up, we're going to clap our hands like we're going to raise them in the air. Like we got, no. I have a bit of trepidation, but you guys do it like

you completely don't care. I'm going to do it little reticent to give myself plausible deniability in a court of law because I'm the head of this company. I'm going to put my hands in the head. Can I come back in? Yeah, yeah. You can come back in for a. Yeah, yeah.

Give me my coaster bag. Bingo's back. I don't care so much that I'm apathetic that I won't even raise my hands. That's how, that's how my, you know, that's how concerned I am with the. As long as we give one, two, three, three strikes, you're gay. One, and.