The Doug Stanhope Podcast - After the show at Otto's in DeKalb, IL: Crazy or a Bad Trip

Episode Date: November 13, 2013

Recorded at Otto's in DeKalb, IL with Doug Stanhope, Junior Stopka, Brett Erickson, Geoff Tate, Kerry Mitchell, Bingo and Greg Chaille. Engineered and Edited by Greg ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you are listening to the doug stanhope podcast autos autos bar in decalb illinois allowing us to stay here as they're trying to shut up the bar out there it's the doug stanhope podcast sitting in the green room at otto's bar in decalb illinois with jeff tate brett erickson uh junior stopka bingo carrie mitchell etc etc i don't know where they're gonna break this up maybe they play it all as one long drunken affair. I wanted this on the show. Right? This is the show. This is the post-game report on the Doug Stanhope

Jekyll and Hyde post-game podcast. Good thing we have these windscreens because I'm using a lot of P's. Popping the mic a lot. We're very implosive this evening. So we have windscreens. Greg Chaley is going to have to commandeer this.

We had to take Junior's mic away. I think you're wrong. Junior just said because he talked without a mic. Junior never talks much. I'm trying to steer a conversation towards the funny people. All right. But they left already.

That was a show. That's one that will go down in the record books of one guy. As a show that was done. Yeah. Everything we expected of DeKalb. DeKalb. DeKalb. I'm fucking so glad I never have to try to pronounce that stupid name again. You know, there were a lot of nights Joe DiMaggio went one for four.

Yeah, it kept his hitting streak alive. It kept his hitting streak alive. So that's it. This is a one for four. Yeah, it was. Keep your tweets and Facebook comments coming. I don't even think it was a one for four. I think we fucking hit for the cycle.

It was fun. You guys fucking killed. I was funny. You guys were terrible. They seemed to shut up for Junior. He didn't have to fight, did you? They shut up for... Oh, he can't talk.

Jeff Tate had to fight his way to get him to shut the fuck up and it was brilliant it is uh i'm going to uh correct the room and you're not taking that away from my time yeah shaley's the only one that notices when shaley says i did 12 minutes and 34 seconds what i think is it only took me two minutes and 34 seconds to fix the room. That's a new record. Yeah, Brett, I followed you a lot. Sometimes it takes me more than two minutes and 34 seconds to fix the room. It happens.

You know what I call him in that situation? Doug Stanhope's problem. Exactly right. You're learning, kid. I steal your own joke on this podcast i'm gonna steal your hat and run out i'll chase you and then you'll end up hurting yourself i'll hurt my own self i hurt my own goddamn self are we recording yeah we started recording we did at some point what part the part where i was awesome

jesus greg i see where you're going with this. Your producer did that on your CD, too. By the way, you can hear that last part on Jeff Tate's podcast, The Jeff Tate Podcast. Yeah, yeah. So, Doug, what do you want to do for your post-show podcast? Well, I want to tell that story. I got another suicide email, which are commonplace now.

Like, I'm your go-to comic if you say you want to kill yourself. Because Richard Jenney's dead. No, not from a comic. I get a lot of suicide. Oh, now I'm getting it. Did Jenney send you an email? No, no. People say they're going to kill themselves.

And I always respond in a, like, here's how a happy way, well, do this on your way out. Yes. I never, ever. Sibling rule. And fucking, like. I make the promise that if I do it, I'll do it in Bisbee.

I said that wrong. When I do it, I'll do it in Bisbee. That was, we want to start comedy hospice. Like, they do comedy defensive driving. Comedy hospice. Because after my mother you go there's got to be other dark fucking people out there with rotten humor that

don't want to just be fondled by fucking relatives that are just worried about their will and I love you so much grandma like fuck you comedy hospice and like encourage them to do their funny material no you go to wherever they are their house or their hospice care,

and you just be a fucking prick and goof on them. So you'll be like Kevorkian with charisma. Yeah. Yeah, we don't actually do the killing. We're just there like fucking dark birthday clowns mocking your death. So we don't have to go alone because guys like me go alone. But now I don't have to go alone because you guys you and your whole fucking

Merry Pranksters will show up. Yeah, like a roast. Yeah. By the way, Merry Pranksters is trademarked by Ken Kesey. We'll work around it. Deathroast.com. Someone just stole Deathroast.com. So anyway, so I get this one email

during this tour and it says, hey, suicide help. And it's from a chick. And she says, listen, I'm going to kill myself. I thought you're the guy to go to. It was very written, no emotion. And I have 50, 30 milligram Oxycontin. I have a high tolerance for them. I used to take five a day twice, five at a time, twice daily.

So I don't know if that's enough. And I know that you went, I watched your new special, fucking rocked. She was nice. Yeah, no, she put that in. Because like at that point, you'd have been like, well, she didn't like my specials. She goes, but you obviously know someone to talk to. And I go, I really don't. I've called in a favor for my mother, but I have no idea about Oxycontin.

I said that later. All I wrote back, she said, I never finished that painting. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I go, oh, it's someone I've met. And I searched her name in my email and then i remembered her from ocean beach and she was hot i remember this she brought the painting to us unfinished to show us well thank you very much and try to take it she goes oh it's not done she's so in the email she said she brought it to you just to show it to you and then take it back

home to work on it yeah because. And she was very sweet. I remember because she wrote back, I'm sorry, I was a nuisance at the merch table. No, everyone else is a fucking nuisance. You were a cute girl that was nice and brought a painting and didn't bother anyone. It's always the nice people that think they're a fucking problem. And all the fucking cunts out there that are a problem. Anyway. Milwaukee.

So I didn't know what to write back. So I just wrote back, finish the painting. Thinking maybe, because it came in four emails, like the two of the exact same email and then two of the exact same email with a picture attached.

So I figured she's just drunk. I just finished the painting. And then she wrote back, listen, I really need advice. I can't find anything on the internet. I have to go this week. This week? Yeah.

Deadline? For the Bears game, I got to fucking check out. Yeah, I don't know. I just searched her Facebook and go, she's hot. So all of a sudden, I care. Which is like, it's against all my rules. I always go, yeah, go ahead. Have fun. Do this on the way out. Do something cool. which is like, it's against all my rules. I always go, yeah, go ahead, have fun,

do this on the way out, do something cool. But so on her email, she had a, their number and I called her. I was half these fucking gigs. We have to do mobile green room cause there is no green room. So Chaley just parks the van by the emergency exit and we sit there and drink

and smoke. So I'm sitting there waiting for the show and I call her up and she answers. I go, why every time I call you on the phone you're going to kill yourself? She goes, what do you mean? I go, well, I only called you once. Now. And you're going to kill yourself.

And she's just like, listen, it's not... She didn't get it. Well, no, no. She was funny on the phone because she got cunty with me when I said I had no information. Well, okay, whatever. I'm not trying to be an asshole. I just don't know. funny on the phone because she got cunty with me when i said i had no information well okay whatever i'm not trying to be an asshole i just don't know uh like what's the problem and this and that she's

like i'm fucking i'm done with it and this and so it goes into a telephone texting email conversation where she's you know i go i'm not gonna talk you out of it right she goes i don't want to be talked down i go i'm not the guy to do it i'm just saying you know i'll i'll try to make it funny on your way out comedy hospice she sent me an email that said uh it said uh hey i'm not trying to bug you with this shit i'm just some some random chick. And I wrote back, no, you're a random hot chick. So now I'm conflicted. Normally I don't try to say anything positive. But now I feel like I should.

So I get to the point where she goes, alright, I'm going to do it tomorrow. Texting me. It's tomorrow morning's go time. And we're on the road. I'm trying to fucking work. Were we in Toledo? No, it was Erie when I first called her. That's when she was sitting in a tub.

I go, I'm having a hard time hearing you. You sound like you're in a fucking tunnel. She goes, I'm in the tub. I go, oh, so you just need a fucking razor blade. And you can do it right there. And wait, and you're in Erie, Pennsylvania? Yeah. At this point? Yeah, you got it bad. So you should be killing yourself.

That's exactly what I said. She should be talking you out of killing yourself. I actually said that. You're in Erie, Pennsylvania. I'm on a fucking shit town tour. She's in some place called Ocean Beach. She was actually in Dallas. My mom is mean to me.

Dallas. We met her in Ocean Beach, but it turns out she had moved to Dallas, but I didn't know that at the time. She mostly lived in Paradise Beach. She just needed to me. We met her in Ocean Beach but it turns out she had moved to Dallas but I didn't know that at the time. She mostly lived in Paradise Beach. She just needed to move. Hot girls got a lot of fucking chips on the table in most towns. When I sent her the know you're a random hot chick

she emailed back with a naked picture out of the tub. It was just like this is why I'm gonna kill myself I'm worth $250,000

dead to my family and they're really nice but I'm a fucking asshole and I was an oxy addict for 10 years and I was I've been clean for a year

but I'm a piece of shit and I'm just doing this Jeff that's like your bio and then finishes it with a naked picture very blurry but enough to know clearly clearly hot and I'm just doing this. Jeff, that's like your bio. And then finishes it with a naked picture, very blurry, but enough to know.

Clearly hot. Even blurry. And a foggy mirror in the bathroom still. Yeah, 28 years old, and then finished the email with, now I really have to kill myself because I'll be too embarrassed to ever see you again after mailing this picture. That's the worst and or best reason to kill yourself.

I really talked myself into a corner on this one. Well, I got to a place where she sounded dead serious. Like, I'm doing it tomorrow. My husband goes to work and I have the oxys. I don't want to use a gun. I don't want to leave a mess. And I'm talking to her on the phone. She sounds like dead serious and you know committed and i'm like all right now what do

i do right like i even said to her like send me a fucking email at least saying that you you were kidding because i don't know what responsibility i have legally to notify someone yeah and your husband finds these fucking emails and text messages yeah i you don't want to be on anderson she's like no problem i'm deleting all the emails and i'm deleting the text messages and she did send a fucking email going hardy har it was just a big joke and uh but i'm sitting with chaley going all right like i don't need this on my fucking conscience if she really kills herself i don't think she will but still i'm not gonna remember this i don't have a fucking man i could completely go oh that killer kill herself girl well i'm trying to work out new shit

and now we're in the akron ohio and another fucking bigger dump yeah and chasen how many times like i can't even imagine doug how many times, like, I can't even imagine, Doug, how many times it happens to you because it happens to me and I'm like a million times below your level of how this happens. Like,

people will come up to me like, oh, hey, remember me from this thing? And I'm like, ah, nah, no.

No. But to them, that's the biggest thing ever. So, if this girl kills herself, like, hey, remember when I killed myself?

Remember? And you're like, ah like i don't kind of what's that i was gonna make a phone call oh oh oh now i and you're lying absolutely remember that you don't remember that at all she's not even the only one to tell you this. So I talked to Chaley. It's the afternoon. If I don't do the right thing, quote, and contact your husband who's on her Facebook, and she does kill herself, I'm a fucking prick. But I'm going against everything I stand for, but I'm doing it because she's hot if you're the same young dumb knock-kneed fan kid

that's fucking with the Misfits t-shirt I'm gonna kill myself yeah you probably just want an email I'm gonna email you and go hey go do that but now I'm done so I'm like if I'm doing this I'm gonna contact your husband but I'm only doing it because she's a hot chick, which are very rare.

They come to my show. And Shayla's like, you got to stick around to the end. So tune in to the next Doug Stanhope podcast to find out what happened to the hot chick. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope, hot chick. Will she or won't she podcast, part two. Stamps.com. Eddie, I talked to you. We talked about it in Eerie,

which if there was one thing that would get more depressing in Eerie, it's having to contemplate what Doug should do to maintain his integrity and still feel like he... Didn't talk a girl out of suicide? No, like what do you do to maintain his integrity and still feel like he like didn't talk a girl out of suicide. No, like, like what do you do in that situation? And we really,

we waited and it just really came up to maybe we should just give one chance for the husband to do something. Yeah. So I contacted the husband against, but if I didn't, I'm a fucking dick. If I do, I'm a fucking dick if i do i'm a no you have fraud no fraud or not you have to i think this was a happy serious you fucking have to dude okay so i email a facebook

email the husband and i said listen call me as soon as possible and don't talk to your wife first with my phone number. So I get a call. Hello? I go, Jason. He goes, yeah. I go, Stanhope. He goes, bullshit. And I go, no, this is not a good thing.

Listen, Diana's been contacting me and she says she's going to kill herself when you go to work tomorrow. And he's like, oh oh is she doing that again like uh like it's been a yeah constant threat and he goes i go is this a regular thing he goes yeah she looked up the helium that you talked about on the one cd and i go well she says she's got oxys and he's he starts telling me stuff about her but he's still going fuck I can't believe we're talking on the phone like your wife's big fan big fan that's like if I was talking to Keith Richards

about how my sister was a whore he said this is overwhelming like I didn't know she was really gonna like plan to do it and he said this is Keith Richards this is overwhelming like I didn't know she was really gonna like plan to do it and he said this is overwhelming on so many levels like because we go to see you you've signed her tits twice man like the most fucked up conversation I'm leaving work right now and then she's texting me saying hey you, you're a good guy and thanks. And then I'm sitting there feeling like more of a fucking rat because I know her husband's on the way to cock block her suicide.

Waiting for the text like, fuck you, you fucking rat. Which I got. That he was so blasé about it. You know, it was like, oh, that thing again. It wasn't really blasé. I mean, he was kind of almost like Mother, but Mother was like a wreck. Well, he was weaving in how much of a fan he was while you were telling him about his wife. Yeah.

The date that he chose. We don't know what it's like to be this guy. Yeah, no, the guy didn't seem blasé. Clearly this lady has done this before. Yes. And clearly they're more of a fan than Doug. Listen, Dane Cook was not nearly as cool with these two as Doug was. We don't know what it's like to get a call, like, because this is the business we're in. We don't know what it's like to get a call from...

I mean, Brett was right. To us, this is as foreign as if a rock and roll star called and said, hey, your wife is going to kill herself. And she had done that before, and then you're like, oh, she's into that? I still can't believe I'm talking to fucking Bob Dylan. Yeah, but that's weird because I'm not famous or Bob Dylan. But again, you're famous to some people. Yeah, the people who know who you are, you're famous.

And the same thing is true for everybody. If somebody knows who you are from only performing, they think you're famous. Doug, remember last year we were in Appleton, remember? We fucking... A.J. Hawk. Well... A.J. Hawk. Fuck yeah.

Yes. But outside of the hotel in Appleton, we went to the bars and then we met this dude. And he was like, oh, is that the show? We hang out, it's the last call, we met this dude and he was like, oh, is that the show? We hang out, it's the last call, we hang out. He's like, oh, I'm in the hotel. And we're like, oh, we're in the hotel. He looks at Doug, he's like, dude, let's go to my room. My wife is asleep

already. She passed out. Let's go there. Let's fuck with her. Let's fuck with her. So we're like, alright, let's do that. So we go to the room and we burst in and she's passed out and doug and and me and bingo we get into bed with this and then we wake her up and then the dude's taking a picture of her like it's essentially that it's yeah it's it's it's the fucking other side of the coin of that exact fucking thing by way, they came to the show probably in Milwaukee or Eau Claire.

I didn't remember that story at all. And he goes, do you remember you crawled in a bed with my wife? She had her Sausage Army t-shirt on. We crawled in the bed, we take the picture. And then the funniest part of the whole thing was that the three of us get out of the bed and the dude's laughing and she's waking up, groggy eye, rubbing her eyes. She's with it. She's fine.

But then Bingo, all of a sudden, Bingo's like, I got to fucking poop. So then she goes into the bathroom. Bingo took a shit in that room. She goes into the bathroom in a stranger's hotel room, and she fucking, without shutting the door, she fucking squats down and starts taking a fucking gigantic dump. We ditched her. And then Doug looks at me. He's like, dude, let's get out of here.

I look at him. I'm like, and he's like, no. He just nodded at me like, right now. Like, of course right now. Run. Because my point was, like, right now, like, your wife is taking a dump. And he's like, no, because of that right now. So, like, we go out the door without saying

anything to anyone we just leave bingo in this guy's random room taking a shit and we're like let's see if she can make her way back to the fucking it was a leave behind it's kind of i'm sure i had a point when i started this it's kind of the same thing yeah it's yeah right kind of yes i understand i i understood why the guy but it was just such an awkward conversation to have the fans slip into hey i'm a random guy that your wife contacted to kill herself so he goes i'm leaving work right now. And thanks. You did the right thing. I go, seriously, apologize to her for me being a rat because I feel really fucking awful. Sorry, I did the right thing. For doing what is supposed to be right. So he calls me.

Well, she starts. I finally get the you're a fucking rat call. Oh, thanks a lot. It's my own fault. I opened my big fat mouth text message. I'm like, hey, how else am I going to get the you're a fucking rat call oh thanks a lot it's my own fault i opened my big fat mouth text message i'm like hey how else am i gonna get the painting right and she goes hardy har with an emoticon i like a suicidal girl that still uses emoticons and uh i wish you would have talked to me first i go hey i weighed my options this was the only one uh i said uh fuck i wish it should have been hardy

and then a gunshot i said i said i how could i explain like i i couldn't allow for uh you know i i have random hot only a few random hot chicks ever come to my show i couldn't let one go on a poorly planned suicide because i had talked to her i go what are you gonna do you're gonna have a fucking fun time out do you have a special bottle of wine or anything she goes no i'm gonna wait till my husband goes to work so i have time to make sure that i the pills kick in before and that's like weak as shit yeah so i she goes it wasn't poorly planned he should have talked to me and uh bingo's like should i call her and i go bingo wants to talk to you oh yeah i'm sure she's real worried about and then then she stops responding well it really is

a thing he calls me all right uh and says listen he said have you heard from her and uh i go no i texted her i she hasn't texted back since then after you talked to her evidently uh she tells him well i gotta go to work so he lets her go he goes to bring her flowers at work because that always stops the suicide. Instead of killing yourself, here's some posies. She quit her job. No wait, quit her job like previous days. She quit her job days ago. Yeah. They went to her work and they go yeah, she walked off the job days ago.

And I go, I'll throw her so I threw one last text and I call her and I said I haven't heard from her. So the next day, I hear nothing. It was two days later that we were in Toledo. No, I think it was the next day. We were in Toledo when it happened. We were in Akron, and then Toledo. Yeah, he calls me right after the show, and I had talked about it on stage, awkwardly,

because there's no closure to the story. Well, I called him after i get off stage and he's said i i didn't want to tell you i didn't have the heart to she went to a hotel and cut her wrists i'm assuming in a tub i thought there's gonna be something really great at the end of that no she killed herself and the herself. She bought the Bill Cosby himself Netflix movie. She killed herself a night early. It was all good.

Let's just edit this. Edit this. Cut. Cut. She's fine, everyone. She killed herself a night early because I ratted her out. She's fine, everybody. Texts. Yeah. I made a girl kill herself sooner. She's fine everybody Texts So yeah

And I'm like Oh wow I made a girl Kill herself sooner Was she clearly My fucking first instinct Was right Was to shut my fucking mouth

You fast tracked her Isn't it like Hot chicks To fuck it up Every single time No kidding Right Mitchell She didn't even fit

My criteria Of the bit About life is like a movie If you've sat through more than half of it And it's like the whole time It probably won't get great at the end But she was 20 fucking 8 and hot But I mean she had

She had a bunch of problems And that was really the reason that you Reached out to her husband Was to at least Who do you think he's fucking right now? He's the one who texted me today and said no, it wasn't. I did a Revolver Magazine top five. Did we talk about this?

Yeah, we did. Yeah, metal bands? Podcasts? Yeah, we talked about this at the beginning of the podcast, the pregame. Are we still doing a podcast? They said do a top five about anything. So it was that day. So I said top five ways to kill yourself

based on this girl that I knew that killed herself but very uncreatively when she was a very creative person. Number three is Tribble Gigs. I think number three was Chuck E. Cheese. Like in the ball bin or something? No, no. As a Gigi Allen of the mechanical band. So that was that story.

She wanted out. Yeah, yeah. Clearly. You did everything anybody could do more than you even feel comfortable with. Yeah, but I didn't want a hot chick hating me on her way out. Lots of hot chicks are going to hate you on their way out. She's not the only one. She's just the one you're aware of.

There's plenty of fish going into the fucking can. It's clear that he's still kind of beating himself up over it. But I mean, I think he did the right thing. He absolutely did the right thing. Not that he wants to be known as the guy who does the right thing. I think that's what he's wrestling with. I think Doug always does

the right thing. Wow, Brown knows her. Brown knows her. Brown knows her. It's because he had a pole position. Doug's done the right thing like four out of 19 times. I could kiss his ass all I want, but I don't owe him $3,000, so it's not like I'm going to get the opening. Yeah, I let Junior slide on the.

Hey, just because he doesn't have a microphone is no reason to berate him. Doug has a very specific moral code, and it might not be. He's not Dexter. No, but it might not be everyone's. But he sticks to it. He sticks to it. And this thing. Unless you're a hot chick. He sticks to it. And this thing... Unless you're a hot chick,

then I all of a sudden break my fucking rules. All out the window. Fuck her. She ends up dead. He ends up driving a lumberjack truck in fucking Ohio.

In all honesty. That was my second email after I finished the painting and then she told me her life stinks and everything. I go, but you can't kill yourself without seeing the finale of Breaking Bad. Right. Perfect.

Which, since the end of the first half of the bullshit, oh, this is the last season, but we're going to make it a year long. Yeah, it's going to be. And I go, what if I fucking die without seeing? I was so terrified of dying without seeing the end of Breaking Bad that I actually meant that one. She wrote back, don't watch it. Bryan Cranston said the same thing.

There was a kid who had brain cancer or something, and Vince Gilligan found out Breaking Bad was his favorite show and offered to show him the finale. They went to his hospital room and acted out the last four scenes of breaking bad for him before he died offered to give him this by the way that should be a fucking show right there what's that acting out shows for people who are about to die before they preview yeah yeah no i pitch that to i pitch that to a venue in cincinnati where we uh we take scripts of like Save by the Bell and Cheers episodes and then just act them out with characters' names

on our shirts so we don't dress up like them. It just says Zach. And that gets shot down. Yeah. Even Go Bananas thought that was a bad idea. Bingo, bingo-man. Bingo, ding-dong, dingle-man. Your family's gone?

Yeah, they were so... Her extended family came to the show have a seat on the hot seat did you see all of my Michael J. Fox impressions I felt like I was on it I love that you the last time

listen I don't know his performance Michael J. Fox on his new TV show. Yes. Shaky. Shaky at best. Shaky at best. Zing!

Yes. This podcast is brought to you by the Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast. Fucking best podcast out there. He says everything that I feel a million. You get those emails where people say, oh, you know what? You say everything that I think and I don't. Yeah, that's what Bill Burr does. He says everything I want to say, but he says it funny and now I'm too washed up to say it funny.

I just say it and I stumble through it and I stutter. So, yeah, listen to the Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast if you want to hear a good version of what I once was. Let's travel back in time. Yes. Last time this whole party was together, Rock Island, Illinois, one of the Quad Cities, Travel back in time. Yes. Last time this whole party was together. Oh, God. Rock Island, Illinois.

Oh, here we go. One of the quad cities. The quaddiest of them all. We're on the road. Jeff Tate, Brett Erickson, Bingo Bingaman, Greg Chaley, and Kerry Mitchell was at that one. I don't think Bingo was there. Bingo was there in bulk, but not in spirit. Bingo was having problems with the meds.

It happens every now and again. And slipping in and out of sanity. Wait, let me even back that story up. It started out the night before. It was before we even got to the Quad Cities. We were in Omaha, Nebraska, and we got done with the show in Omaha, and we went back to the hotel in Omaha, Nebraska, and that's when Bingo decided that she was done being a person

who dealt with reality with the rest of us. So she just shut down, and she was done. Just for people who don't understand mental illness, maybe you can understand a bad trip where Bingo was convinced that all of the people around her were people that she made up in her head that don't really exist and that she needed to die and et cetera. It's just like having a really bad fucking acid mushroom trip.

Except I wasn't on anything. Right. So on top of that, she has blue hair and a prom dress on. So we come back from the gig in Omaha, and we have to get into the hotel room. Yeah, we should just say motel to spell it out for the people. One of those places where highway construction workers from out of town no listen that's the exact point because as we're trying to get a fucking comatose bingo into the

room uh across the parking lot are not comatose not comatose spinning out talking yeah acting speaking in tongues like yeah can't move so but so across the parking lot are like a pickup truck full of like construction worker guys who are like having their fucking... At two o'clock in the morning. At two o'clock in the morning, drinking past Blue Ribbons and fucking looking around for people to fuck with. And we show up and we have a girl who's in a prom... I wear a dress like assholes.

We have a girl who's in a prom dress who is... Catatonic. Catatonic. That's the word. Catatonic. prom dress who is catatonic catatonic that's the word catatonic and and we have to we have to carry this girl in a prom dress into our into our hotel room brett she's sitting we're we're in a industrial workers van like they would drive but we're dressed in our usual stupid suits and bingo's in this giant poofy ballerina dance mom's dress with blue hair

and she's catatonic and she won't leave the van i'm sitting there like baby you gotta get it together just to get inside because these this is a fucking we can fuck with this after we get inside you'll just go inside yeah it doesn't work like that it doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that. So we had to lift you like we're some fucking van full of date rapists who just snatched you from some concert where you were performing for special needs people. Which is, by the way, exactly what we did, which is fine, which is exactly what guys should do. We cared about you and we carried you into the room. But the point being is that across the parking lot was an actual literal group of construction workers at 2 a.m. who were drinking Ham's beers and hanging out and like punching each other in the arm. Comparing their arms with like the vest.

And talking about their fantasy football teams. And what they did was they looked across the parking lot at a couple of fucking guys in leisure suits carrying a girl in a prom dress who's catatonic into the fucking hotel and they went

alright fine cut to fine next day fine that's fine next day

it's two Herb Tarlicks about to fuck Lonnie Anderson in a very special episode of WKRP. Next day, she rallies the next morning, late morning. She's like, I don't know what's going on. She's just trying to keep her shit together.

We get to one of the worst hotels I've ever seen, the most depressing place in Rock Island, and there's a Denny's at the end of the parking lot. And she goes, let's go just get some food. And we order food. I went over there. I wandered over there and ran into you guys. And we were already in, you know,

Bingo was fine when we ordered the food. Do you remember what you were wearing? Does anyone remember what? Blue pajamas. She's in blue pajamas with blue hair in Rock Island which everyone has an image of how fucked up the South is rural

Iowa Indiana Illinois is way worse it's like Alabama of the Midwest yes so we're sitting there it's the Alabama of the 1800s it's fucking awful so it's a Saturday night we're at Denny's

it's busy because it's Saturday night at Denny's and then I see her eyelids start to flap which is like the telltale sign oh it's about to go poorly and I'm like can we get the food to go honey stay with me and she was gone Oh, it's about to go poorly. And I'm like, can we get the food to go? Honey, stay with me.

And she was gone. And we put food in front of her and she wouldn't eat. It's just me and her at this point. And she wouldn't eat. And then she's off, like, kind of curling up, you know, and muttering and laughing and not, wouldn't respond to you. She freezes. I know you're here, Bingo. I'm not talking like you're not in the room.

The night before, that's what happened. She froze just staring out the window and she did the same thing. The plate of fruit arrived, your milkshake. You had the hush puppy pancakes. I fucking remember. Those would be really good right now.

I fucking ate them and I was right now. And the milkshake. And I fucking ate them and I was so hungry. And the milkshake and she just froze staring straight ahead. That's the position. She would emote to herself whatever's going on in her head. Again, just like a bad tripper. There's whatever, there's something going on there, but you're not part of it. And she'd laugh or cry or.

I know. This is dinner time, a bunch of fucking hayseeds in Denny's, and the waitress is starting to get weird because she's not eating and she won't speak. Is she okay? Yeah, she's okay. We're fine.

And this goes on for two hours of me pleading, trying to get into her head, you just got to get the fuck out of this Denny's. And I can't move. We're in a corner booth, the far end of a fucking Denny's. I just need you to trust me enough. And we're so close to the end of the whole fucking tour. We're like two shows from being done.

But I don't have all you guys there at this time. Not all you guys were there. It was just us. It was during the rush at Denny's also. The dinner rush, which it's weird when a town has a dinner rush and not just a last call rush. Yeah, that was that was bingo aside. The weirdest part was that Denny's was busy. So now it gets close to showtime and like, all right, we got to go.

I don't fucking miss a show. I'll leave my girlfriend catatonic in a corner.ny's booth i don't miss the show i might not do well do you know how many times doug left renee catatonic in a booth we're 8 15 we're 8 15 at a denny's the waitress is like what's wrong with bingo and me and doug like, what's wrong with all these motherfuckers eating at Denny's on a Saturday night? It's dinner time. I didn't even know you guys were open now. She's the sanest motherfucker in this place. She's not eating the food.

We should have all checked out. This is a terrible place to be. So Tate comes over because Tate can communicate. He's got his own fucking wacky problem. Yeah, he's like a Vulcan. A lot of times he can communicate with you. Yeah. That didn't work.

And so then all we can do. I never thought about it. Everyone showed up. I never thought about it like a bad trip. If I had thought about it like a bad trip, I probably could have done better. I've done that enough. I locked myself in a closet in my own bedroom

listening to Hard Promises on cassette over and over, repeating my name and social security number to myself until I could convince myself I was real. That's happened more than once. Well, everyone's trying to fucking pull the sword out of the stone to see who will be king.

Well, no one can get her to move. And now it's becoming an obvious issue. Yeah, now we gotta do something. And before I can allow the manager to call the authorities and have her fucking locked up in Rock Island, Illinois, two days before the end of the tour,

we can't even come back to get her. It was the end. Yeah. We have Chaley bring the industrial van around to the front. White, you know, the kind of shit that- Super rapey van. Yeah, no, it's like when you do community service, the one, all the guys with the fucking suits

picking up fucking garbage off the side of the road. Yeah. Yeah. 12 passenger van pulls up, white van. It's just big enough for the five of us to get to where we're going and sleep off our hangover i get the manager out i go listen this is what's going on my girlfriend has mental illness she's in a fucking state right now we're gonna have to carry her out of here i think it's gonna be a bit of a scene i'm just letting you know what's going to be a bit of a scene. I'm just letting you know what's going on. And you saw him pause like, I don't know how to react. Yeah.

I guess. Okay. And before we could allow him to go, I should call the authorities. We went in. Grabbed her. No, you said it was a. No, that was on the way out. Great.

Nope. Me and Doug picked her up. I had her legs. Doug had her under the arms. Oh, we said that to the people. Yeah. Everybody that was waiting for a table at Denny's at 8.30 on a Saturday night. The classiest group of fucks.

We picked her up, complete dead weight. I couldn't... One the legs, one under the arms. Yeah. And carried her out, and no one seemed to make eye contact at all. Like, this was not abnormal behavior in Rock Island. They're like, well, she's obviously had the moons over Miami.

Were we actually? Yep. As far as an extraction went, I think for our first one it went well. That's the word I was looking for. Because I came up, I pulled up the van, opened the door, and then you guys had just come out the front door. Like everyone has a hand, like that thing, light as a board, stiff as a feather, whatever it was.

Everyone had a hand on Bingo getting her into that car. Chucked her in that van. And we had a hand on Bingo getting her into that car. And we had a half hour to be at the venue. I don't know if we were actually yelling fraternity. It's just a fraternity prank. Yeah, Doug yells out fraternity prank. And then I, no, I can't stop laughing. Which doesn't

make us look less suspicious. Or less 46 years old. What fraternity are you. Carrie Mitchell will jump in on the end of this story that once we got Bingo out, Doug realized she had no shoes and they were still under the booth. So Carrie Mitchell ran back in and grabbed the

shoes, the Bingo shoes, and then realized the table next to our table was eating the rest of Bingo's food. I forgot that part too. Welcome to my nightmare. Now you have AIDS. eating the rest of Bingo's food. I forgot that part too. Welcome to my nightmare. Now you have AIDS. No, listen. The best part of that story was

that Mitchell showed up for that weekend with our friend from Peoria, Tony. This kid, Tony, who's our buddy. I'm so embarrassed about this. I'm so humiliated. We get Bingo out of there, and we're leaving from Denny's to the gig. We're going straight to the gig

because we finally got her out of Denny's. We're to the point where we have to go straight to the gig. That was over two and a half hours of sitting at Denny's. This was a long endeavor. So we finally get her out of there, and now we're going straight to the gig,

and our buddy, Tony, from Peoria, Illinois, who has no idea what the fuck is going on he's never been around any of these people before in his life we're like hey tony come hang out with us they're cool so he's sitting in the van and he's just sitting there and then doug is like you know what'd be funny as if like if like we did not right it's like right doug's like let Doug's like, let's all pretend that Tony doesn't exist. You guys are fucking assholes. Bingo's just coming out of it. Fucking assholes.

Let's just pretend that she's the only one who can see Tony. Right. I was scared to death of him. We were all scared to death of everything that had happened. But that was a really funny idea. It's almost too funny not to do. Have we talked on the podcast about what we did to her when she got locked up in arizona shaley and i have we talked

about this on the podcast hold on we haven't finished this story oh go go go my uh my favorite part tony aside was when we're all in the van finally on our way to the gig and then she just wakes up and grabs a dress out of a box right in the back of the van is that are we on her way to the gig and then she just wakes up and grabs a dress out of a box right in the back of the van is like are we on the way to the gig and just puts a fucking yeah that's right no that's that's what she said to tony she's like hi how you doing i'm amy and he's like hi i'm tony like yeah yeah but i didn't believe he was there yeah i i was like fucking with you guys at that point. I was like, yeah, fuck you guys.

Hi, hi, my name is Bingo. Yeah, fuck you guys. This is that make-believe bastard I've been seeing forever. At this point, Doug was referring to me as loosely stitched. So it's not like I was in great shape. That is true, by the way. Yeah. I've been fighting a panic attack for two weeks.

You should stay with you. No. Chaley and I were doing whatever fucking tour we were doing. Yeah, it was probably 07, 08, somewhere in there. All I know is I was supposed to do Dudley and Bob's fucking Carnival Cruise KLBJ comics and fans. You had me at Dudley and Bob's. They're good guys. They're good guys in Austin Dudley and then Bob

if you type those into the two password fields we'll get you into Mr. Skin Dudley is the username and Bob is the password should we edit this part out

yeah we should definitely I like it that you know when you bomb what I've done that show before either way they're friends of mine and I'm supposed to do a cruise where I have to do That you know when you bomb. What? I've done that show before. Either way, they're friends of mine, and I'm supposed to do a cruise where I have to do one fucking show

and then hang out on a free cruise for a week. And I was looking forward to that. But Nutty Bags here gets fucking locked up in a fucking puff unit back when you could. What year was this? Before they made a lot of cuts. Probably 07 2007

okay so so she's I'm going to the puff unit is the what they call it up in Benson

and my meds and I'm like I don't know I'm I'm not canceling gigs she goes they wouldn't let me

go home and get clothes first. I need clothes and a mental lockup in Benson, Arizona. They took me in an ambulance. Population 85 or something. They, yeah.

So just get me clothes. So Chaley and I were playing. It was Louisville. Louisville. Before my listener sends me an email. We go to, we find a, we get to the place, the gig. We find a thrift store. I've been locked up.

Hang on. I've been locked up at this point for a couple of days. I have no shoes because they take you by ambulance. I have no shoes. I have pajamas on. I have ambulance. I have no shoes. I have pajamas on. I have nothing. I have absolutely nothing. So we go to get her clothes from the

Goodwill to FedEx immediately to her and we go, oh, we're not sending her normal clothes at all. We just went and found the most fucked up clothes. Fat, fat, fucking fat people. Giant.

From sequence, fat sequence, fucking dresses. Moo moos. Your Senator Elvis Gerback jerseys. We said, this pair. You know what number 18? These oversized slippers the size of pillows. The only thing I absolutely needed was shoes. That's the only thing I absolutely needed.

He did not send shoes. And the only thing we sent was these pillow-sized goof cartoon slippers that were stitched to look like sneakers. But they're giant pillow sneakers. I never got shoes. The whole time I was in lockup, the whole time I was in lockup, I did not have fucking shoes. No way, you had shoes, you just chose not to wear them.

No, she wore them. She had slippers and a sequined muumuu. We stuffed, we took one of those boxes from the UPS store. It was like a 12 by 12 square, right? We stuffed We took one of those Those boxes From the UPS store It was like a Like a 12 by 12 square Yeah We stuffed that thing

Like it was ready to burst It was gonna explode Yeah We stuffed It was like shaking up A carbonated Yeah Soda bottle

It was under pressure It was so You could have fit Five inpatients In each item Of clothing That they sent. We nailed the size.

I believe we nailed the size. Yeah, got it. Thanks, guys. And I had to miss the fucking cruise. Oh! I feel like you buried the lead because that seems like the important part of the story. Well, no.

I didn't miss a paying gig. But when I got to the cruise, I'm like, can I really go on a free cruise while my girlfriend's in some fucking, yeah, in giant cartoon Flintstone slippers? And it was almost like the suicide girl where I'm going you know what

I feel bad if something terrible happens I have to do the right thing but she got out like before I even got home and Joby drove her home and she was just just like the van snapped out of it and I still regret that I ratted out that chick who's gonna kill herself and i still

regret missing that goddamn cruise oh shit they still do the cruise do they still do the cruise yeah but i'm not and that was i stiffed them once that was the cruise that tipped over in italy they were pissed off there for a minute they're only pissed off because John Evans' ex-wife came with him. I think that was the year that Dina went with him. And she was not nice to people. I think John got it last minute. See, now we have to edit that out. Close strong, fellas.

Close strong. Close it. All right. That's part one. We'll try a part two. Maybe we'll do a bump. We'll see what's going on. And...

Cut. If you want to see me Sunday mornings, I go to the Sunday school. River Hills Church of God in Loveland, Ohio. It's upstairs during the main service. Jeff Tate is G-E-O-F-F. He's going to be crazy. Are you doing fucking John Yoder gigs again?

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Doing a handful of them. I thought you were past that. We'll get to what he's past next. Teaser. Okay. Mwah.

That was part of the post-game in decalabra illinois stay tuned for whatever comes next it's the doug stano podcast as soon as i get professional i'll have a sponsor until then don't use stamps.com legal zoom beceuticals, or anything else until I tell you to. As those other podcasts, they might be full of shit. Zing! Play the matoid! Part-time. Part-time. Party time Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time

Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time

One more Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Party time, yeah Party time, yeah Party time, yeah Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey!

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