The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Blue Pills, Sad Girls & Pissing in the Vase

Episode Date: September 5, 2025

Extra episodes over on YouTube and Patreon After settling into their favorite SF watering hole, the misadventures and wild stories find them — learning about cracky cable car drivers, sprawling out on the bed upstairs where Kamala Harris had a steamy run in with an ex line-backer, and brightening the day of a sad stranger mourning the loss of her mother. Along the way there’s talk of blue pill experiments, Andy making his own bathroom, homeless pastry piles, and an afterparty that would make Roy Munson blush. And it's Chad's 50th! Happy birthday, Chad!  Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code STANHOPE at https://www.lucy.co/STANHOPE Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/STANHOPE and use code STANHOPE and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!  Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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Yeah, it's all good now. All right. Let me go sit in that chair and then the whole thing will blow up. Jesus fucking Christ. Good to see you, Andy. You too, Chad. They're up for adoption. if anyone's interested in a pair of kittens,

their brother's sister, and they're very cute. Hey, now, is it working still? Yeah. Oh, wow, holy fuck. Let me sit in a chair that'll fucking blow it up, all right? Still working? Holy fuck. Oh, fucking thank you, Jesus.

You fucking cunt. I've never heard that prayer. It's a prayer. It's a prayer. I don't go to search a lot, but. I think it's the seaman's last prayer, a seaman. It's just at the coast. All right.

Fuck. Yeah, you got, you got booked out of your own home with your Airbnb last I heard. Yeah, yeah, well, and I'm, I went to my, not my class reunion. I was a real loser, and I went to the class behind me's reunion. And I thought it was your class reunion, but you weren't going to go to the reunion. You're just going to go see your friends. I always liked the chicks in that class better, the ladies.

Yeah, you left out the part where it wasn't your class or your reunion. Yeah. So, yeah, I went to the class of 85 and a class of 84. My, it's really fun, though. I mean, not fun. It was awful, but there's a guy who I got in fist fights with as a kid, and he assaulted me at the fair, which led to the Carney bit. And I've never liked to do.

Wait, you were assaulted by a junior? No, I got assaulted by this dude at the fair because my friend Mitch was fucking his girlfriend, and he sucker punched me. Andy, he was a year younger than you. He was a senior. Oh, right. Oh, I thought you're, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, and actually, I was supposed to be in the class ahead of me. But, I mean, you know, I would say as far as fighting the guy, though, I was two and one. And the only time I lost was when a Carney intervened, many sucker punched me. So I've never liked the dude much. We were friends for a minute. And then he made a bet on the election that Trump would win two in a row. and I said, you know, I'll take that. And he, he, uh, so I, I saw him at the place and, uh, I walked over to him.

And he goes, don't you owe me a, a pound of weed, I think it was. I go, fuck you, dude, you welched for four years. I ain't giving you shit. And then, uh, we went outside to smoke. And he's, he's weakly, you know, I said this about, no, he's just like, uh, I don't know, life, life kicked him in the balls and he seems like a week. human being and just got divorced and we went out he goes let's go smoke and i thought maybe we'd you know uh go for the fourth fight uh rekindle the feud and uh he just uh he didn't bring up anything

to bother me but i said oh by the way right before i left i go you're a military guy right because he's that's his identity military he's a cop or was and he goes yeah i go did you ever see combat and he goes no I go, oh, that's, that's too bad. I went to Ukraine and I fought against the Russians. You're not a combat vet like me. And I go, fuck you, you pussy. And, yeah, that was what was fun.

And, oh, yeah, I got a, well, one of our listeners, my friend Neil, who's a libretard down there, I stayed, I don't know why I bring that up, but he let me stay at his place. And then he said, well, it's an old house, two-story. He said, there's only one bathroom, you know, we'll leave the light on here and the door open. And I don't pay attention. You know that. You know, I could walk in the place and not notice anything, but I, okay, he'll leave the light on.

That door's open. And I was drinking a lot of water because I had a couple beers and I drank like a half a gallon of water. So I'm up in this room. I wake up. I've really got to piss. I run. You know how when you really got a piss and you think you're going to get to the goal? Well, I couldn't find the door.

There's two doors and I opened one and these dogs start barking and I know that's not right because they're in the bedroom. And then the other door I opened and I could hear the dog. I thought, this isn't right. And that's like here, it's two fucking doors. And then the front door, if I opened that, the dogs are going to go crazy. So I went back upstairs, tried to sleep. I got a piss and uh and then I I looked around and uh they had a decorative vase and uh yeah Neil I'm sorry about this yeah yeah chamber pot so I fucking pissed uh apparently I'd had some asparagus

I did remember having some in a salad but it was like oh fucking and I turned and I tried to sleep but I knew that you know when you piss in a pot like that Time is valuable. So once I got my bladder relieved and did, wow, I really did hydrate because it was like, wow, it's kind of, you know, now this vase is heavy. And I got to carry, I carried it downstairs and opened that other door. And then I. Yeah. So I found, I found that the toilet, dumped the piss, clean the pot, long story short, if you want money, Neil, I always.

you money for the vase. If you don't want to keep it, I understand. But, yeah, what are you going to do? As long as the wife doesn't listen to the podcast, and that hasn't been a problem throughout the year. Andy's stories always sound like he's telling you a dream he had. But I pissed in the face

because every door I opened went to the same room. Or they were an angry animal. Waiting like monsters. How about an escape room where you really have to piss? Yeah, that was what it was like. It was like, you know, and, well, I don't, I'm trying to take blame for, you know, or take account of my own actions, but, hey, Neil, you didn't leave that door open, like you said.

So it's not my, so I'm doing the opposite of what I just said. And I, I blame Neil. were the dogs in the room with with your friend and his wife so then yeah so then they were awake so they've probably listened to they're like is he missing in the vase no no it's envy they have the same yeah you know it's and that's why we put the face in there oh oh also there was a a daughter a step what his step-daughter was in one of the you know so I really only had one place I I could. Well, he's a plumber now. He's cleaning a janitor. Yeah, but I mean. I have no place to stay for the night. So I knocked on a farmer's door. Oh, right. Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Please don't sleep with my pregnant stepdaughter.

And his tongue fell out. Oh, and I got, I found this out at the class reunion. I was sitting with some upperclassmen. And this one guy, you know, I just. just remember names vaguely or name of your brother or whatever, but John Barton said, you're the most famous person in this town. He said, I did a Google search for famous people in Coquil, and I'm the only thing that popped up. I don't know if that, you know, I didn't Google search myself, but it turns out I won

the popularity contest of the whole fucking town. Yeah, I'm up against J.A. Jantz. Yeah, I didn't have that kind of competition. Well, no, Gretchen Bonaducci now. Oh, really? People know Gretchen Bonaducci than me just because of the name. J.A. Dance writes some compelling fiction. I wrote a letter to the editor once,

J.A. Jantz is that kind of fucking pap, romance slash lady detective kind of shit that you see in airports. I give you, if you're like presented at an airport, You suck. My grandma likes her books. My grandma was 92 years old. She's about to look at her books. But I went to look at her by one for her.

And like, oh, that one's part of a series. So maybe I should get there. And then you look at it and there's like 76 books in the series. You're like, that's not quality writing, lady. I don't care. That was my letter to the editor was your editor. The only one they didn't print that said, it's been over two weeks

since J.A. Jantz has had a new release. And she's in a red check and EMT. Something's definitely a miss. That's nice. Yes. That is accurate.

Yeah, that's one of those people that chat GPT could probably write their next fucking novel. Yeah. Because when I've heard people formulae yeah yeah exactly yeah but for the intended audience it's fantastic i don't i i know i've asked this question i don't think on the podcast i don't know if i ever get an answer is there

copyright for your voice because i was watching some commercial it sounded like it could have been morgan freeman and uh like at this point can you make something sounds kind of like morgan freeman I bet it's a messy court battle But yeah I don't I don't know if it's happened yet Oh Binky man

That guy at the end of the South Fork Uh thing sounded like Trump to me I thought it was him Yeah that wasn't even Fucking AI Supposed Yeah

It was a big fat It was like something Shaley would make Yeah It's I think maybe I don't know for sure But I think maybe it might have been I mean AI was involved but there may have been real...

What? Yeah, your voice kind of be copyrighted. Was that Alex or some sort of a program? Because we knew this guy Craig Gas who was an impressionist

and he would go up to Vegas at Vegas Anchorage and get on the radio. He probably did this everywhere he could but he'd go on the radio and they'd announce him as the person he's in person. So Al Pacino is in studio with us

and he's like, yeah, I'm just here to see my friend Craig Gass perform. Like, he'd do an interview and then say, yeah, my friend Craig Gass is coming to the, I've gone to the, what? Ice? Oh, no, I don't need ice. You can do a better Al Pacino than that. I'm drinking a beautiful, Andre, the best name in champagne, but it's a pre-mix Bellini, peach, Andre Bellini.

So I should present that. And, Alex, if I knew this was going to be our camera shot, I would address that part of the bar better because that's all the shit, fireball, that's the stuff that's just there because someone dropped it off. I would have fronted that to, like, I'm not, I'll promote some Andre,

but fireball is where I draw the line. I'll be put in different alcohol. That stuff, I don't know, it's fine. Well, then you'd have to put in different dialogues. You're going to make me do fucking. Hey, can you just say, hey, you presented that bar beautifully, Alex, into this microphone? I think what you're supposed to do is clap, and then it just magically appears as better. Give us a clap.

I don't know where we were with J.A. J. J.S. or whatever. Oh, no, this is fun. I heard, I just found out. uh in san francisco unless you if you're going somewhere otherwise i's just going to jump right to it oh uh no i uh nope i was just thinking in my head of uh you know probably who should be more famous than anybody in co heel is the uh coheel indians but anyway they got beat and replaced with white trash so i guess uh oh i thought it was the team i thought they were playing your river dogs and you had a beef but no not the engines

so i just found out that when you uh when you get uh stood up by uh mrs pull my tits uh in san francisco i didn't know you'd already taken a blue pill in anticipation uh no i take it if i took one it was just to see if the system worked i wasn't uh it wasn't i wasn't uncoiling a rubber uh you know it's like is this coke any good how are you going to find out sometimes you throw a Hail Mary if you're not sure you have a receiver yeah that's uh that's all i got to say on that subject hey that we're in a rifle man i uh saw six episodes of the rifle man this morning in a row because i had heartburn and i uh i had a hotel room and i could only get find one channel but i just laid a that rifleman's pretty good chad i my grandma got me into it except for once i realized how tight his pants were i could watch it oh yeah yeah realistically tight this guy's i guess i guess that's what i'm saying why it was good but uh yeah he sure puts his kid in jeopardy a lot for being a good dad but he's got to teach him life lessons he definitely does that uh anyway every episode so so so uh for

Yeah, back to Frisco. You also, there's, and Bingo has plenty of footage of all this. We, uh, that'll just fucking skip. The Tucson airport thing, I tried to recreate. They have this fucking lame commercial that I cannot not, not, it's on all the time. And it doesn't say anything. It's basically, they want you to fly out of Tucson instead of going all the way to Phoenix, which is a hub, a beat the crowd, a beat, but they don't say anything.

They just show this. dopey family dreaming of their boogie board vacation. They don't even show the airport, the outside. Nothing. They're just showing sitting in just shitty airport seats by a window and then boarding the plane, all smiling. They're not

enjoying their time in the airport at all. They're just fucking daydreaming about when they finally get to where. I have to just sit this shitty seat and wait. I don't have any restaurants or bars to hang out in. It's like... Maybe maybe they're... Yeah, they should

I've put life's a journey, not a destination or some shit underneath it. They have some catchphrase, like the last time you spend thinking of your vacation and whatever. It just, it still says fucking nothing. So I was going to redo the commercial, but I did get just us offsite parking. I started there at 1032 a.m. by 1052 a.m., I'm having a cocktail at the bar, got shuttled, picked up by the shuttle, picked up by the shuttle. off site, dropped off, went through a very fucking empty check-in, completely empty TSA. I was sitting at the bar within 20 minutes with checked luggage. Impressive.

Yeah. And the bar opens at 6 a.m. Like all these things you could be promoting. You could be fucking drunk. By the time I got here, you could be getting kicked out at 10.55 from the one they opened at 6. Not with that commercial, just show them all, like, all pissed off with the kids while the dad's getting hammered. And we're sitting at a bar that's like maybe six, eight people when it was its busiest.

And then across the way is another bar we can see that is completely open except for a bartender wiping a glass. I go, if we get tired of this nice bar, we can have our own private bar over there. Where is this in the fucking commercial? stupid and it was empty it was like so desolate empty and then we get to San Francisco he comes in 40 minutes later

so we went and found a a bar the commercial looks to me like someone's shopping for silverware in an aisle at DJ Max and it just shows their faces and not the silverware the whole ambiance

is the top of the back of their chair. That's when you get the window behind you. It's so weird. Do we have footage of Andy coming off the plane? Because we waited for Andy at the gate. I saw Bingo I saw Bingo hiding

she she re I saw fluffiness or her hat maybe just before and then you guys hid and so I you know I had to do some act and act surprise. There's Andy there's any okay fuck fuck I think he saw us. Oh, Andy!

Oh, Andy. Oh, well, maybe you can act surprised when I say Happy birthday To chat, 50 years old. Oh. Wow.

Well, I'm surprised. There you go. Now, you pronounce the name of that whiskey. That is a... What, Froe? It's, it's, I. So they, you know. That's what I said sounded iron.

Cheneade. Scotch whiskey. Happy birthday, Chad. Not only that, but to make it more special, it's autographed on the inside by the guy that gifted to us before we re-gifted. I love it. And it's, we get gifted from British John, not to ever be confused with this Jonathan. That's what the crystal balls for, man.

That's, uh, now I, now I understand. I only hope that, uh, whoever gifted this to you lost it before you gave it to me. I got that at the dollar tree. God damn it. God damn it. Thank you guys. Dad, da, da, da, da, da. I don't, I can't sing happy birthday because it's a terrible song and it's copyrighted.

Yeah, yeah. Chad, when you were a 10 year old, did you think you'd be hanging out with 20 year olds? when I was a 10-year-old, 20-year-olds were teaching me how to huff gas on my motorcycle. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got a story I forgot to tell from today.

And, yeah, so I went to go see my brother Larry, but I went into the Band and Dunes golf course. And there's two ways to get in. And I went one way. When I know the way to get to Larry's real easy from the second way, but I went in and then I thought, I got to take a shit and, uh, and no way I'm going to use Larry or, uh, roommates fucking toilets. No way. I'd rather, uh, shit in the middle of a busy street. Uh, but, uh, so, uh, I, I had a shit. I know if the fucking abandon Dunes is plush, you know, uh, one of the Kelsey brothers was just gone. in there. So, you know, they wouldn't want to shit anywhere but a clean toilet. So I went there on instinct. I go take a left turn. I see this kid with a stop sign, but I disregard it. And then another guy jumps in front of me. You know, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I go, oh, wait, it's stop.

I can't go that way. I mean, I guess, and the stop sign was not placed in front of the street. They were standing in the grass. So I think, you know, I read it as they're trying to prevent people from driving up the hill in the grass. they told me i couldn't go there for an attorney they go i go i can't go to the clubhouse he goes yeah i know it's a there's a lady amateur golf uh pGA competition going on so you have to go to a lot up here and take the shuttle uh and i got on the shuttle i had a shit uh and all these amateur uh lady golfers and their uh caddies or whatever uh their coaches vases and their gift vase that i gave them. This is the, uh, this is a trophy, uh, ladies champion. Uh, they drink, drink from the white

jug. Uh, had he taken a ship on the trophy stage as being presented. Oh, I reveal the curtains open and he's squatting over the fucking Sir Winston's cup or whatever the fucking might be called in women's ball. So, yeah, so I rode the, uh, the shuttle with the lay, I would have taken a picture, but I thought, no, that's what, I felt like Trump enough being, you know, with amateur lady golfers. Ah, this smells great in here. Has everybody got cocoa butter on, you know? And I, uh, yeah, so I did the short ride found the cleanest toilet. Uh, got way to go, Bandon Dunes on keeping your toilets, uh, pristine like your greens.

See, yeah, anyway, Tucson Airport, you would have. already shut by now because that show would have been right there waiting for you no guy with a stop sign impeding your path so so nobody else you've been in the shitter it's a all the all the roads were rerouted so when i i went to find larry's place i i just i don't know man it's directional signs aren't as clear as they seem to be and uh i ended up just fucking lost in the beach zone and dead ends another golf course i'd never heard of uh that i i mean even Even if I was looking for love, I drove towards the goat farm, and the goat farm turned out to be a golf course. So, uh, uh, anyway, I didn't see Larry. I blasted, uh, a different road all together.

Uh, so anyway, that's my adventure, I guess, I sniff young golfer. I might have sniffed the next champion golfer as I walked into that. I mean, it wasn't like I was going around Biden sniffing their heads or nothing. And it just smelled like a, you know, palm trees and cocoa butter and such. So good luck to the ladies. And then we met you at the gate. Which is funny because I hadn't realized you don't often meet people at the gate. There used to be a day and age when we were youngsters where you could actually go all the way to the gate to send off your loved one or pick them up and have.

have a sign. Yeah, yeah. And Andy had that. The last time someone met him at the gate in South Francisco. Yeah, and it was a man named Pat and he was very happy to see me. It was nice that Doug and Bingo seemed happy to see me too, but I know people can fake that just to get sick. And we also had a camera on you. Oh, yeah. Just like Pat's place. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah and i got paid before leaving uh you think that and i'll keep my that i'll keep my whiskey is is yeah we gave him uh we gave him some of his old sweatsuits yeah yeah uh so yeah i'd fly in unattended child and uh the my uh it was much easier for sex trafficking in those days you know gate delivery is way better than having a wait down there by the uh the uh

Hang on. Speaking of sex trafficking, when we get on the shuttle at the Tucson airport, Bingo's, of course, dressed like this, but not like that with a hat, but red. And she's all, yeah, she's done up. And the lady says, where are you guys off to today? And Bingo says, I have no idea, but I know we're on Delta. And I go, we're going to San Francisco and we're on United. And I said, this is what makes sex trafficking so easy. She's not drugged her anything. No. And her bloomers. I saw they had the arrest in a Delta pilot. I wonder if it delayed you guys. Oh, yeah, everyone fucking email tweeted DM, however, about the guy, but they caught him

because he was throwing away a fucking hand. of plastic jug vodka Phillips not a fucking thrown away mini bottles like I do in an airport he's thrown away a handle so everyone thought that it's because it's Delta and pop-off vodka I get all thank you for all your reaching out to me oh what I read was about a guy got arrested for child porn just before he took off of that oh oh man I got to I got to tell another reunion story I won't name names, I won't name names, but anyone will know from Coquille anyway, is a guy got arrested for sodomy charges a couple days before the reunion that he was planning to go. He's a local.

And outside of the karaoke event, which was just a shithole bar and fucking people butchering fucking shitty song after shitty song. and uh anyway his wife was a girlfriend was out there going uh Craig can't be here uh he wanted to be here but he was und uh detained uh detained uh detained for sodomy of a youngster uh i would skip my reunion if that was uh label you know right before your reunion how you well so i hear you've been busy well here if you went to school here the police beats always like two weeks behind So you could have gone under the radar before people Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's how Cochiel is. Habam. Yeah. Probably went through from over GoFund me. Yeah. I drove, I did,

I saw Doug's message a couple of days late about getting footage of Coakiel so I drove through there today and mumbled through a, well, I didn't even narrate much. I just had bad camera angles and drove through.

town and rolled through Main Street and I don't know if Alex could get here the problem the solution is that we talk over the footage like we did in San Francisco

thank fuck those guys were on fire a Polly the bartender and the owner of the bar this this is like the perfect set up gig where you go Motor Lodge we didn't actually we stayed at a shit Marriott vacation place. Always back to the

motor lodge. It's closer. And then there's a perfect Pats Cafe Breakfast place. Then there's the perfect dive bar. Like legitimate old school. They have fucking, well, Jimmy Durante came in once. Like that old school. And

then the club right next to it, which the fucking club is brilliant. It's perfectly set up for a big city kind audience. Don't don't we have that whole story being told by the bartender of the celebrity. Yeah, and I'm leading us into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in 1997, the heyday, Camel Harris. Oh, yeah, let me get this. Was running for a DA or something. Anyway, there's a big to-do on. Let me get this room real quick. This is so amazing. Legendary collegiate linebacker, tackle, left tackle.

for University of Iowa, 1980. And Hall of Fame hair. Dudd. Yeah, took a young Kamala Harris up to this very... Yeah, well, so when she's like a vice presidential candidate, this guy's still bragging about it, kind of like, married with children. Al Bundy.

Al Bundy would talk about his playing football days. Yep. Yeah, well, Pat Dean's bragging about still about plucking her in this very bed and they sent some FBI people to his house and uh

Zip it West ice slip and said Hey knock off with that I pruned Kamala Harris Look at the flag That is so That's dedicated to her Yeah

What ruined the sex form was her Annoying cackling laughter Yeah We come on the road for a few weeks And we're synced up And then a a little bit of time away. So we went to,

we got in a night early as we do, so we're well rested for the show, but we went to that cool bar and Polly saying, yeah, I open at 7 in the morning now. No one else opens at 7, all these people, and I bark them in. And so the next morning we go to breakfast.

We're going to breakfast at Pat's Cafe, and it's right across the street. I go, all right, now it's like 9 a.m. Should we at least go in since he was making a big deal about opening at seven just for one and then breakfast and then cut to the fucking owners telling

her stories, the bartenders telling their stories. I think my favorite was the crack smoking cable car guy that would park the cable car, smoke crack, come in and hit a couple of drinks and then get back in the cable car and drive tourists.

He used to pull the cable car up right here. Back, give me a crowd roll up. Come in. Pulled. In this time of here, full customer parking right there, just where that one was just at. I got Bobby the fire. Come on, man, give me a crown oil.

So I pour him a crown oil, he'd take off up the street, smoke crack all the time. He used to get the same driving award every year. But no women, they'll never have a woman cable card driving. It's not the thing. There's no women cable card driver.

You'll never see one. I never see one. 40 years. It's life or death. The guys who are off, the group men, they're called. you know, they're, it's a serious job. Seems like a big guy.

There's never been one. In San Francisco, where the fire chief and the police chief are always dykes, you'd think they'd have a car driver. You ever see a woman beer truck driver? Fuck, no. Crackhead got retired with full benefits. After 30 years of getting high, but no ladies. And so we leave there.

and then we go back i didn't know i said the australians looked at the footage and took notes evidently we went back for the crying girl afterwards wow yeah after breakfast so we got a lot of those stories before whatever this is all in a morning that we're going like we ate breakfast quick yeah back to the ball how many how many drinks did you end up with before breakfast i don't know we lost count i know that that's what you're what I was picturing. Okay, go ahead. We'd have to talk to the accounting department on that. Oh, shit. There we go. How's that? Upside down? Way better. Yeah, everything's going perfectly and you thought, oh, why don't I try to learn to juggle?

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and there's a girl next to me probably 30 and she has a cocktail and ordering two shots at a time on the side and obviously doesn't want to be talked to and at some point

there's five people in the bar I hear her gurgling crying and and she went outside to smoke. I offered her a cigarette, and then

the bartender went out and talked to her. Evidently, she's from Puerto Rico. She's, our mother died. She's one of six siblings, and she's the only one that didn't make it to the funeral because she was the youngest. She said she was the youngest

and her mom's favorite as well. Yeah, and I thought I had time, and now I can't get there. It's too late, and so everyone in the bar and these are like trees lounge just old pinched face fucking just old school rummies

that are drinking there in 10.30 whatever it is by now and so I went out and Andy went out Andy had some dialogue with her that I thought was just like on stage where if he's running long and not making sense

I'll cut in Yeah, yeah But he was saying all the right things Yeah, I was pretty drunk So it might not have been I just said I don't like crying So I was like man up bitch Stuff like that you'd say

No he was going deep about You know people that Loss or whatever Yeah Time Yeah I might have been on a blue pill I might have been on a blue pill that morning

Laws, son. You were, Andy. No, the night before was our night off. What? The night before, oh, wait, maybe then, I don't know. The night before, this was the first, before the first show. Yeah. So we bring this girl in an hour, they goes, hey, thanks for talking to her.

The bartender is thanking us because no one else wants to deal with it. And we're, we're, this tragedy is where we thrive. Cut to an hour later. she's fucking just crying laughing at the bar we did like every fucking yeah guys were saying did you come up with some material remember that part no the guys were sitting at the bar and they were threatening not threatening you but they were like did you write any good oh yeah yeah that one guy said yeah you better go write some new material to if you're gonna fix that problem yeah i walk in with the girl and we're rolling laughing and you're i go i guess my new material you're gonna fix that problem i go i guess my new material material worked. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, we go. We just killed our first show. Yeah, we exhausted ourselves. 11 in the morning, the latest. We, that, but we were, you know, I mean, it took a lot of energy out of our souls to get her corrected. And, uh, and then it made us tired the whole weekend. But the cocaine I did on the last night. Well, the first night, go ahead.

I was just trying to see, did anybody consider that you guys just fucked up her drift? Maybe she goes into bar of being sad about this. No, no. She was, has a whole grip that she works off of. That would have been Merrill Streep asked acting to get the chest heaving sobs. I mean, she was paying for her own drinks. This was fucking real. It was so real.

This was not one of the. those situations, as I would imagine hearing the story back, that this girl was someone you'd hit on. This is definitely not. This is a San Francisco UPS driver kind of bulky look. I would say, could you help me get this bag in the overhead? It's got some stolen Bibles in it, and I'm weak. Can you carry this bag and dog food in my car?

Yeah. But afterwards, Andy goes on a rant after we've got done with this work of God that we did. Andy goes on a camera tirade. Should we just show it? I'll tell you. Is it racist? It's now about how you'd never take advantage of a woman in that condition. And I'll just let the footage show your final thought.

But she's got real pretty eyes. Hey, what's your girl situation tonight? Wait, my girl's... I ain't got no girl's situation. Okay. But... No, I just have a friend coming to the show. What?

I got a friend coming at the show later. Yeah? Who is female. But no. I got nothing to say about nothing. Nothing? If I were to make love to that Puerto Rican woman, it would feel exploitative because her mother died. Okay.

And I won't because she's sweet and I connected on a better level. But when I connect with a woman on that level, I mean, like I hugged her and all that shit because I felt the pain of her mother's loss. I would not mischa that into a situation where I was trying to. So, definitely, number one, it's number one. I still love you, Katrina. Thank you, Andy. Over and out. This is all fictional characters based on fictional accounts.

She is very sweet in her eyes. You know, that's a part of a reason. Are you, oh man, I could totally see fucking her. I knew 100% I know what you're getting at I know what you're getting at that's no way

that's no why I knew there was a part too but yeah yeah she's fucking sweet eyes I love you really yeah I like a woman

women have much prettier eyes when they're full of tears well I bet you got some I bet you got some pretty eyes under all that water. It's like an infinity pool. And you're seeing a reflection of their beautiful eyes. Right, right, yeah.

It's like nature's makeup. So, yeah, I don't remember that. Well, that's the problem because we had a show that night. And I do remember that a bit. Yeah, I remember. I mean, it's been after a month off. So I remember, like, beat myself. up a little bit about the little beats

I forgot in the middle like this stuff that gives it some and then but then after the show we fucking I'm like I'm just going to sit up in the green room and smoke and let the dead weight leave and I get down there and there's still like a hundred and fucking thirty

people waiting for us down there and they all know about the bar next door La Rocca RCCA this is the first time I've remembered the name and I've been going there every time I play Cobbs for fucking year. I've never looked up at the sign.

It's just the one next to Cobbs. I don't know the name of the bar. Now I know. Because we had to fucking... What do we do after... We must have went back and slept, huh? You slept. I can't sleep.

We watched fucking one afternoon. I don't know if it was that one or the next one. They had HBO in three channels, and we just kept putting on whatever dumb movie. Last Vegas, three fucking Morgan Freeman movies. Why did Morgan Freeman and everything? Did he die? I thought he had died because there was such a frequency of, you know,

when an actor dies, he'll try to jam them in there into the channels. But yeah, I was like, is it Black History Month? Hey, if we fake our own death, do you think we'll get in someone's algorithm? Hmm. If we kill them too, that to any, He's got to tag them. All right, we got to fucking kill a gamer.

You do that balloon boy thing. Oh, yeah. But, like, just have Andy land at the next gig. So he knows. So, yeah. I mean, at least Bingo has good footage of the show. Like, we're transitioning in between, like, we go up together and fuck off together. and he forgot half his act, which I love because then I get to do it.

Yeah, oh, yeah, that first show, that was tough because I forgot the only parts that lately I've enjoyed doing, oh, well, I don't know, it's one that, you know, there's one or two sometimes you like doing more than others, and I only have one or two, so I forgot, I forgot two, so I forgot my, I forgot my closer, and Doug got up and did it. but yeah you walked out without me introducing like hey andy do you want to come out and do high notes with me he just says i go i got some high notes and andy's like right there i'm like can we just build some like fake suspense for this yeah so i left i wandered back off uh and then we did it again but that's why people like the show the spontaneity of things is because not everyone one guy

hated the show. A Polly Psi professor that had seen me 13 years ago that I emailed back, one of those like, let's find antiquated emails that I never answered. And he said, hey, will you come speak for my

600 students? I've had all these other people like fucking Cesar Chavez and I don't fucking know, just Schwarzenegger. You can talk about all your libertarian ideas or anything you want. So, of course, that never got response. So I responded

to him, hey, how about you bring all those students to my show at Cobbs? Wait, was this the guy that wrote the complaint? Yeah, that's the guy that said, you're funny. And I was just going through the motions. He basically said it was a mediocre show in his eyes, but with harsh language. And I wrote back that he was a grumpy Gus.

Anyway, I made the mistake of fucking telling Andy about this email when I read it in the morning. I woke up, hungover, I couldn't get the whirdle right, feeling shitty. And then Doug hits me with the news that my inner feelings about myself have been confirmed. Yeah, but. And then we had breakfast. At the same time, the night before, the people that weren't him were telling us, that's the best.

I've seen you six times and that was by far the best one. And I'm like, I side with the guy that said I sucked more than. Yeah, yeah. Those others were paid actors. Those others were paid actors hired by Bingo to keep our egos up there. It felt hard to follow Bingo because from upstairs in the green room, you could hear her downstairs pitching merch, screaming, laughing, people are having a fucking ball. I'm like, ah, I'm going to follow this.

We drank for 14 hours yesterday. I can't follow a merch booth. Well, and you have to put an asterisk by that performance because she was cheating. She had her nipples poking out. I did. I know how to sell merch, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah.

She knew she was going to be in a breezeway and she conveniently forgot a bra. Well, also, you have to understand. And this is one thing. It's that song, Foo Fighters. You get a promise not to stop when I say when. Bingo is great about that. I'm like, you don't have to film anything here. And she's like, fuck you, we're filming.

Alex, Alex doesn't, he just, he'll just shut it up. Bingo says, fuck you are filming. And she got, so she did double duty. And, uh, well, you can't hit, you can't, I told you don't film. Hey, just cut right now. All right. I'm clapping.

She doesn't, they recognize a clap. Ha ha ha, I do not. No, did not. Not does it sound too Australian, uh, male, but, uh, You can't punch a woman on camera. Well, maybe she keeps it. Maybe she keeps it rolling for her own protection. You can hit a feller.

Yeah, at one point, we're outside smoking, drinking with, what was her name? Savannah. Yeah, we made Savannah smile. Yeah, and she had the camera on her chest, and she's, like, she's always dressed where she doesn't blend in anywhere, even in San Francisco. Who's the lady with the camera on her chest dressed as a fucking, you know, Easter bunny or whatever? Yeah. Bingo, I gave her the kill sign, but no, she put it down still rolling. I don't know what, how the shot was.

Here's the thing. I knew she was crying. loud so i took my hat off i took the camera i put it down and then i sat closer to join the group but i kept the camera rolling so it looked like good thing i don't read the comments i'm sure someone would be against that exploiting someone's yeah but we made her laugh we made her laugh we made savannah like a challenge for comedians i would think oh oh my god hang on let me run With this idea, the old show Make Me Laugh, you took contestants

out in the audience. Yeah, yeah. But if you could take him out of a funeral. Here's another example of that. Here's my staff. You're on call at the hospital when the doctor has to tell him they're dead, but here's how you're Mandel.

Make me, how about this? Hey, Doug, so there's a guy at their class reunion, and I've known him I know, you know, we're friends-ish, you know, but anyway, he had his jaw, he's had face cancer, and he's got a folded up face at this point with probably no teeth as a tobacco chewer, but I went and talked to him a bit, and I made him laugh a couple of times that he had to cover his hole, but like, you know, like get the worst, to people that are fucking dying or people with fucking face. facial deformities and uh or you know make me laugh yeah those were those were the uh lib tarts during covid that uh demanded masks because it worked out for them personally oh yeah yeah yeah he would have been way happier at that reunion probably if they were masked up because you know he would have been more chatty uh because you know uh but anyway idea this one lady goes she's drunky

and she goes oh and also this uh this lady told me how joe rogan is her husband God, and he takes Ivermectin, like steroids, and this other supplement that Rogan recommends, and he's all fucking beefy and old and tired-looking. But anyway, she came up, and she said, you guys are both cancer survivors, and this guy's face is folded up, and I'm not declaring no victory, and I said, because we sucked at football, and I go, no, me and, I won't say his name, but he was the guy with his face folded up at the class reunion. And I said, yeah, Coquille, Red Devils aren't used to winning on the field.

So we didn't, we didn't. But that's why he'd started laughing. And then he was, you know, I'm glad he did cover the hole because I would have stared right into it like a black hole or, you know, one of them globes. Anyway, I was, I wanted to get you to say his name because he said, you've been saying everyone else's name, but you didn't say his name. And I said maybe he's the most famous man in Coquille. and Andy doesn't want his titles to wait a minute he'll say his name every time he says I'm not going to say his name in the next sentence he says

I just wanted clarity between the big-titted guy which I don't think I got closure on that story and the guy that laughed what are their names the guy that's the Rogan guy I mean you know I got the I got the kind of cancer that you know God

just hit you with a lightning bolt you know it wasn't my liver uh wasn't my asshole or my nose or anything got abused uh uh it was my bioduck but he chewed tobacco and that that was that that was uh you know so cause and effect you know you can't really blame his well that that that that guy that sent the email the part of the negative part about you i left out he said and he has an ugly pancreas wow he really is a libertarian yeah libertarian modern libertarians are just straight up fucking douche uh dochy dushi mcgee

anyway fuck you mister i know you're a podcast listener yeah it was uh it was tough to overcome that review but we uh we got up there and did the second show anyway Andy Andy hang on uh Chad just uh walked away from the table.

And now this is where Alex is going to strip for him for his 50th birthday, right? Oh, nice. I'm sorry, I thought you left that. That's not a female. That's a feller. I was looking for some chick named Alex to come out, hopefully. Well, you know, the uncut guys, if they're not hard,

it looks a little bit like a vagina. You gotta look real, real close. That's how he dances. No touching. Oh, yeah. Did you see Gary Busey on the news? He had to, he had a, yeah. Yeah, it was pretty funny.

I woke up early in the morning, and I saw that, and I clicked on it. And it was Gary Busey getting, or getting, going to court on the charges of groping and sex assault of women. Sounds like he was just kind of. rubbing his face in their tits when they'd come up for a meet and greet or grabbing their ass saying that's a nice answer i don't know why the australian accent put on that's an awful one but uh it was fun it's a fun it's fun to watch he's really you know i know i know how much you hate gary vusey and love i don't hate i don't hate gary busey but he's a fraud there's a lot there's a lot of shot and froid happening with gary buse yeah there's a

Gary Busey, he menaced me, and he's a fraud, because he told me not to cut in line. Well, he corrected my behavior when I cut in line and walked me all the way to the back of this Hollywood. Who was that guy hosting the party? Robert Evans, at Robert Evans Place. Gary Busey took the exception to me cutting in with the ladies, the juggies. It's a good story for Judith. Yeah. Oh, man, yeah.

Even Judith has heard this story. But a guy, a guy who rugs his tits in the face of a lady that doesn't expect it, he cut in line. There are repeats without anyone knowing it. Oh, that's a lot during the... Yeah, we were different characters back then. Yeah. But the after parties, again, you did. Yeah.

Everyone was given away drugs like it was crazy. I couldn't get into the bar. I couldn't get into the bar before I snorted Coke two or three times off the guy. Here, do another way he was just dumping on my thing there. So I was like, you know, I was kind of doing like airplane. I'm not just throwing it up my face. And then another guy, hey, hey, you know, I was like,

and then, you know, then I thought, oh, does, you know, all these guys are fat. Andy, did you notice the complete lack of police presence? for how much maybe they needed it. I don't know. I remember when you taken up, there was a homeless guy that was, we walked past on our way to breakfast

that was like wrapped up in so many blankets. And it was like he was trapped inside, like when you wrap up your cat under the sheets and fighting its way out. And then. He was terrified of the serial killer. He starts picking up the, somebody,

and I've done this where I've given my leftovers to the homeless. I'm sure that pizza we got with the fucking double cheese. Yeah, we all ate like one piece and it's like I'm still chewing the cheese so I just brought that down with my cigarette to leave by the trash

or on top. And a guy came by hey man, I go, you want a pizza? It's a large pizza. He was homeless. I already got some. And then when we were outside of breakfast someone had dumped pinafores, you know, there are like little pastries. I call them pettifers.

but they're just little cakes. They're not guys who rape children. They're like little, little miniature cakes. Petaphors. Yeah, so there was a bunch of pedophores melting on the sidewalk. I was going to say, just like dumped in a pile.

Yeah, like the guy, someone gave them, like, my pizza, I was surprised wasn't right next to it, where I don't fucking, don't they know I have diabetes, motherfucker? I ain't fucking pedophores. That's fucking nine pinafores on the web. And he collects them all up into the box.

They don't know they've been in the dirt. So he puts them all back into a box and sets it out for the next homeless guy that might enjoy a breakfast snack. Yeah. Yeah. Some maintenance might be required before snacking. You might want to pick hairs. Wood chips, eat moss. Send it to the lab.

It might have feces in it. But if not, it's a good little cake. Well, that's the karma that gets you to where you're getting all the drugs in the world on the night we're leaving after we're... I was fucking, like, falling, not falling asleep in the green room, but even after going on stage twice, I go up before Andy, after Andy, like, there was not even... And it was a great fucking crowd that night, no fucking bad, douchbag emails. And it was... I can't fucking stay awake. nothing that whole day the day before with from the crying yeah yeah yeah we it felt like we

were on a lot longer run than two days uh like you know that kind of fatigue that we had that second night uh usually doesn't set in till night three yeah uh and there's yeah there's i'm sure you've already seen footage of la roca after hours la rocca not la roca la roca la rocca Wait, are you, you know, your, did you do show to? Yeah. Because I got pulled down on stage at the end. They got it all. They got everything.

Oh, yeah. You know, you know what it felt like walking into La Racas for me that. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Oh, oh, walking into La Racas after the second show, it was like the beginning of Kingpin. When Roy Munson's walking in and the disco music's playing and he takes pizza off the guy sing and he's like, everything's, you know, I walk in there and Coke, Coke, Coke. Hey, let me buy you a drink.

Hey, can I buy you a drink? You want some more Coke? You want to? I left there. I ran away three times. And, like, I got to get back and pull the rip court on this motherfucker. This is an egregious behavior and I should stop. But then I came back one more time in this younger guy for our crowd. He was in mid-50s. And he came up and he said, hey, could I get a picture? with you? I go, sure, man. He goes, you're a legend. I go, oh, really? Thank you. I don't believe that. But anyway, and then he goes, another

guy goes, you want some cocaine? And then I forgot about the picture and did coke. And then I go, oh, yeah, the picture. And he goes, yeah. I go, I'm sorry. I'm living up to my reputation in front of you like this. But anyway. Big guys, a shout out.

To Scott. Yeah. I just wanted to apologize for autographing the inside. of the cover with a fat sharpie because it bled through the entire inside so the cover is just

orange the whole way through it's kind of hard I love Scott so much he is great you're a woman and it was white and you wrote with don't you know that red bleeds through white

by now? It was orange and you get me to fuck off Hey, I know you're getting all remodeled pretty soon, so, you know, last chance to get in those period jokes. Remodeled or replumbed. That's what you would call it. Well, let's call Adam Carolla, because I think they have to drywall just between two. We're going to have to put some spackle up.

We're going to spackle this and put in a support beam, and then we're going to work over the cooch. That's my Adam Carolla impression. Yeah, everything about California is dumb. All right. So the one, the one, your sure thing, Blue Pill. Oh, no, it wasn't. But, but then there was the gap tooth girl. I don't remember her.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Slavian. The Slavian. That's where she's from. Yeah, she said she's Slavian. And I go, I don't know if we're enemies or comrades, but I'm a combat vet of Ukraine. So, you know, she knew that from the show. Isn't Slavian Slavic?

Yeah. Slavis and it's not a thing. Yeah. She was nice, yeah. I'm just making for my own understanding. And she was, she was, she was fucking. trail a little word. Yeah.

That girl was cool. She was cool and justified my scientific experiment of seeing how long a blue pill will work. And I got a little nudge from a buddy at the bar, but I ignored him. I'm too coked up. You know, it ain't going to work. Dog and bingo ain't going to want to hear me explaining my dysfunction to her. Yes, we did. Yeah, I know.

He's filming everything. You had to have a bottle of mouthwash and a what? Why, it's a problem. And a pill. What kind of feel? To hang out and have fun with some guests. Some guests, plural? Yeah, like Disneyland.

Okay. Welcome to a world. So it's a small world after all, and I've got a big erection. It's a small room, and I've got a big erection. I got it on film, yeah. No, she would have been. But, yes, they've only been able to fast forward. through the footage, but evidently they think that Pauley, the bartender, also had designs on her

because that was his neighbor. He said that he used to go out. Oh. And then he said he was gay, so I don't know if that, maybe that was a feller or he misrepresented his homosexualness. I sound like that was a hint at a threesome, Andy, the three of... God, I wish we had the footage from the actual show because I had a bit about the deviant sex in San Francisco.

Maybe I could reuse that on the road. That was good. Yeah, I just used it as a segue into doing one of my old bits at the end. But yeah, that guy just turned gay from like, all right, there's nothing left. This is a fucking end of a dirt road of the most graphic fucking deviancy. You know when he'll have to retire from the bar is when he's finally done grinding his coat, his teeth down from Coke all the way down. He looks like he has that clenched jaw occasionally.

It's funny because I didn't want to film. It was because Tucson Airport was so empty, it gave me the fright. Like, now TSA is looking at you filming them because there's nothing else to look at. You're the only people there. Like, everyone's aware of a camera because it's not, and you cut to fucking San Francisco

where it's just this nightmare of people and it's like Times Square. get the fuck out of my face what are you expecting in Las Vegas? I keep seeing all these videos saying that Las Vegas is empty which is and please reach all of those saying hey

we have the town to ourselves wouldn't that be great? It's kind of like when Becker after 9-11 said we should go to Costa Rica airfare's cheap no one will fly I feel like we're going to be guilty into tipping everybody in those little circles on Fremont Street That's why we don't leave the circle

You know No, no, we go to our room. Yeah, oh, the plaza is the only place in Las Vegas that I don't get lost. Every other place I have lost immediately. The plaza, I know exactly where I am and how to get. Yes. Muscle, drunken muscle memory. Yes.

That's, yeah, I know that place very well. Yeah, what, I have a question for Chad. Bingo's got a question for Chad. Birthday boy questions. It's a birthday boy. but this is not a present this is not a present it's a question um i love you i am curious if you can open up this drawer and tell me um how long have i had this uh can i already tell you i probably know what it is you might know what it is is it the purple mud bunyan i should i should i should whisper it to somebody so i don't

that's why we have this envelope that has what's in that. That's actually not why I have that. I have that in case I have an idea or a joke, but that's why I'm not a order. I don't, it's been in that box the whole time, but how long have I had that? Since we very first met. Really? Yeah, yeah. I haven't touched it.

I've never moved it. You and I hit it off. That's what it is. Holy shit. You had never. right suicide bullet yes i've never removed it so yeah that was give us the backstory of the suicide when we first started when i first started hanging out with me and mingo were bullshit and we were talking about mental health stuff a lot and comparing notes just we hit it off and got quite close

real fast faster than being anybody else or yeah probably uh but uh so we talked about suicide never something, I told her that I had a bullet that was ready to go for the, you know, my goal is to hit two. You know, if you could put two in the back of your head and then just keep on the everybody, like, no, he clearly shot himself and he shot himself twice. That's, that's a new goal. Chad, could you rig up a gun to shoot you in the back of the head with a thing and then squeeze the trigger on the other one?

Yeah, anyway. The detectives would know. exactly what happened. Yeah, I did a bit about Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.