The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Castle-Squat Kenny (The Kenny Saga #3)

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

VIDEO VERSION FREE (and early) on YouTube Kenny updates Doug and Chad on his life and living situationSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I'm fatter than the... I'm less fat than I was two months ago. I saw mine. I know, I've been fucking chain smoking. I'm like, when's the weight come off? That was the... one of the benefits of... ...start walking around the pit. That shit will shed right off. shed right off. You like getting on the can.

Alex over here don't smoke cigarettes. Fucking just smokes a pack a day now. We could do the Kenny update and then I could switch out coats and take off the tie. Yeah, sure. I like how you're dressed up for my update as well we're dressing up because these are the coats I'm selling on eBay so if I would wore it on that podcast game worn game or we could cut into pieces and make baseball cards number I yeah I spent a fucking chunk of change on a fucking sport coat last night on eBay.

You remember that but you don't remember going to the hitching post. Well, Bingo woke up. He spent way more money on a sport coat than the hitching post. Yeah, $12 is the hitching post. Bingo woke up and I had just been staring at it. They wouldn't go that way. With tax and all, it was $312. And the only one I've ever spent a lot of money on

was that green and yellow. It was a Vanderbilt, some famous designer from the 70s. And I spent like 700 bucks on that. It's the one that shows up in a lot of press. I'm wearing it in the green kitchen. It's fucking bright green and yellow. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that one. Yeah. It's fucking bright green and yellow like okay. Yeah, yeah, I remember that one. Yeah

And bingo bingo woke up to piss and I go tell me I shouldn't spend this money she goes you have to buy that What did we buy that sport coat I showed you oh it was sexy What a good woman? Oh man sexy! It's a brown paisley. Jenny does that to me for almost everything that I almost spoil. You know isn't that cool? Go ahead. Last night I passed that general exam for my radio and it authorizes me on different frequencies which means now I need a new better radio. So I go and show her and I go man look at this it just popped up on Facebook it's like a $1,300 radio for $575 and she goes yeah that's uh pretty nice. I was like oh fuck all right point taken. You bought it? No. No sheesh. You need to ask bingo those questions Ask a person addicted to shopping. Hmm. If you should buy it or not, that's what you did

She usually gives me the green light if we can afford it Start streaming some more. I am Could have been streaming me live when When you say you're streaming, like, it means you're interacting. Well, I- Because the shit's up anyway. So right now, the stream is going. Yeah.

Uh, there's a scanner. When I texted you yesterday and you said I'm streaming. That was, I was streaming airport traffic, but also on the mic. Yeah mic Bullshitting with people. Yeah. But I do both. Sometimes I'm not on there, sometimes I'm on there. Sometimes I'm in the chat. Soon I'll be on a CB radio talking to the chickens. I have all kinds of crazy ideas going. It would be kind of hilarious doing like a chicken run type thing where you're voicing over the chickens. Yeah. Yeah, I was just doing that with Jenny last night. They couldn't figure out to go into bed.

And I'm like, ah, I think this is the spot. It's high up here. No, no, you're exposed. You're exposed. Get down. Come on, Larry. No, no, you're exposed, you're exposed, get down! Come on Larry, just trust yourself. Come on up. Yeah, you nailed it. That would be so funny. Tell you what, yesterday's slider was one of the best sliders I've ever had.

I was fucking high and every bite of that was fucking magical. Every French fry. I was shocked that you were digging it. At the hitching post? No, the ballpark. Oh. Usually he eats two fries and then slides it all over to Derek. I ate three of his fries and he ate the rest. Yeah it didn't it didn't it took me a little while it took me a little while. It took me longer than it should have to realize that if you go out to lunch with Stanhope,

you don't really have to order anything. You can just hang out. If you're willing to share food, which I am, you don't have to, you're like, all right. Andy and I on the road almost never get our own food. It's always something to eat. Or your own beds. You share beds.

Yeah. Hey, you gotta be. He gets sad when Andy's not in his bed. I love it. He's lonely. That's what I picture. Yeah. It's like the Dumb and Dumber Spooning.

And yeah, they put us up in our own rooms over in, after 10 days of sharing rooms on the road in Scandinavia, they gave us our own rooms. And I was like, where is Andy and all this shit? He gets into a room and just fucking literally starts throwing shit everywhere and then spends the rest of the day organizing everything. Compositing. Yup.

But yeah, when we had rooms that crossed from each other, we'd just leave our doors open. I think, I have a picture of where the room was so fucking small that there's only one chair in it and it barely fits. So Andy brought his chair and his nightstand out into the hallway so he could. I saw that. That's great. I figured you guys, you have the separate rooms

so you get lonely so you just move into the same room and then now you have a jerking off room and a sleeping room. Hey, don't be jerking off in here. Go to the jerking off room. Inconsiderate bastard. Andy would come over and just lay down in my bed and just have our doors open. Things like that. Oh boy. So we had the uh, we were getting updates on, like, what's Kenny doing? Derek showed up at one of our shows in New Mexico.

I love that. Without, he just, Andy gets a phone call and he goes, it's a Sierra Vista number. He didn't have this number written, he put it on speaker. Hello? Hello? Where are you guys? I mean, we're at a bar. He goes, what's the name of it? I'm like, he's here. That's great.

I'm out front. If he knew the name. Yeah, exactly. Damn, Derek should have let me know. I would have rode with him. No, you wouldn't because you'd still be there. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, maybe.

So he was on his way to Missouri to go visit the family. Oh, OK. And he's still out there, because I guess the suburban that I gave him shit the bed. I told him it was going to. Well, it should. Go figure. Well, it's only 114,000 miles on it, which is nothing for a fucking...

But didn't it belong to like a school system? Yeah, not those schools. Yeah, fleet vehicles are different. You can't hold... people will take care of a vehicle for a... If it's not your vehicle and you drive it every day for a job, you're gonna treat it like shit. Yeah, he- I was a fleet mechanic, I know. He had the air conditioning in it replaced and cost him like $1,200 bucks.

It was like his whole month pay. He was broke as shit that month, but he got it replaced. Is it irony when you put a $1,200 air conditioning in an $800 vehicle? Yeah. I'm not sure what the definition of irony is. I don't think that's- I've seen rims, uh, that, you know. I'm not sure what the definition of irony is. I don't think that's The funny thing is is he had to repair the fix later on like a week later two weeks later He's like, oh you got a read Didn't next thing I was turning about the mid console and he's hooking the hose back up to the big middle thing That's like the vent or whatever it is to the AC because it was just blowing out underneath the van. So, we're under the impression that he only left

to have a reason to fucking give him. He was already leaving before, anyways. He was going, like, dude, his whole plan for, since the winter was, I'm gonna go to Missouri. His buddy used to call, I'd say his buddy, but this dude is hilarious hilarious and he's on, I think he's camp A, you know, of the spectrum level and he'd just keep calling, just keep repeating this, are you coming to see us, Derek?

And the conversation, he'd be on speakerphone and the conversation would just go just like that the whole way and I'm trying so hard not to just bust up laughing the whole conversation. I'm like, wow, this is what, you're going to go hang out in the Oz whole conversation I'm like this is what you're gonna go hang out in the Ozarks with this guy this is what you're going going back to do he's like I'm going to go see my sister and that's what the Ozarks are all about. I have family in Texas and they have a family reunion every year I had to go last year as I promised my grandma and then now they want to go this year and I'm like grandma I didn't know you'd still be alive this year that's why I

went last year no I just saw those fucking people last year why would I want to see them again but it's the same like you said it reminds me of the same they just like visit me you're just gonna say that when I get out of here? It's true, it's nice for you to visit me. This guy's straight up, he's straight, what's his name? He says he's autistic, and he's like Rain Man type, whatever that, I don't know the term, but autistic. I think he opened with it. Okay, well, still, it's just just the conversation is just whoa and it's

like Derek's just like be nice. I'm like I am being nice I'm not even being mean. I'd be more mean to you than I would be to him actually if I was gonna be mean to anybody but I'm not. The way he went about he I don't know what what I don't know why he doesn't trust me he thinks I'm gonna throw a banger in his house every night or something or have a girl over there Maybe it's just he thinks well, maybe it's cuz that time where you brought a girl So so if Derek's still gonna be you're just crashing to his No, he's got he's got somebody who goes over I think it's Andrea or somebody or somebody's there Derek fucking bought a ring camera before he left He's got somebody that goes over, I think it's Andrea or somebody, or somebody's there.

Derek fucking bought a ring camera before he left. Well I'm not going there. I ain't going in there. I'll go get my scooter when I feel I get to charge it if I can, if I can find a charger for it. But I ain't going inside the house. Well the word on the street is you are locked out, but I didn't know if they gave you any notice. No. I wasn't even, I was leaving anyways. So your shit's not locked in that

house. My golf clubs in there, that's it. I mean I'll get them when I see fucking Andrea go over there. Cause she goes and checks every day, she's like. It's there at the pawn shop man. Whatever place the golf clubs are gonna hang out. Look man, I need to sell them at the pawn shop if anybody's gonna sell them all the fuckers to the pawn shop. We don't have a pawn shop. We don't. I mean... I don't need to be not have a pawn shop. Or a bus.

They've had two or three before. They do have a Greyhound. They have two different versions. The one that takes you to Sierra Vista and the one that takes you to Tucson. Imagine you get down on your luck and you have to hitchhike to the next town to sell your shit. That's fucking bad, man. That's insult to injury. I'd just be walking down the highway

with my clubs strapped to my back. Do-do-do-do-do. Yard sale. And he's got a yard sale. So it's like that bad Santa scene where he's making the drink at the tea bar on the beach. He's behind the bar. He's a bartender and then the bartender comes out,

get the fuck out from behind my bar. He's got a yard sale at Justice Golf Clubs and the person that owns the house, get out of my yard. What the fuck are you doing? I'm borrowing your yard. I'm borrowing your yard. I'll throw in this car. I don't have the keys for it, but I'll sell you this car too.

If you buy these golf clubs. That's a deal. The car is in the impound lot though in Bisbee. Alright, so when you finally, Derek moves. I don't know if I've, I've told this joke before. It's not mine. Some opening act that I had decades ago, that he said, I've lived with my mama so long,

my mama moved out. She's carrying her stuff down the stairs, and I'm still sleeping in my race car bed. I ain't gonna lie, I was carrying my stuff to backdoor mics, because I was house sat from after Derek left. Okay, so you were at home was not for the not for the first week I'm still well okay yeah sleep I've slept on a couple wood floors at work I mean it Mike told me I could it is what it is and I was really drunk but that's besides the

point yeah it's just it is what it is'm not, I'll get through it eventually. So where are you now? I, I don't know. Backdoor mic, I talked to him. I said, how long did it take you to get rid of Kenny after you got back from vacation? And he goes, a couple days. A day. I didn't even stay there the first night because he has the worst sleep apnea I've ever heard in my life.

So I couldn't, I went, sat on the couch and in two minutes I was out the door. Imagine you snore so bad somebody'd rather be homeless. Fuck you! I'm sorry. I mean, I love you dog. I even told him. I said, bro, I feel like you're gonna die so I had to leave. I didn't want to be an accomplice. So I broke my phone running for the bus that you guys taught me how to ride just should have taught you to be outside technically I was I was just yeah I wasn't

but damn now this phone's broken and you can't tell what time it is it's just a vicious it was it was like it was like two and a half weeks or three weeks I was like in my I'd wake my alarm would still work so I'd wake up at six in the morning to my alarm and fucking shut up turn it off and I'm like okay now I know it's six and then I know it's six oh five because it'd go off again and then I know it's six ten because go off again on snooze and then six fifteen would be the last time I knew what time it was for the rest of the day Unless I asked somebody or seen a clock, but hey, you know sometimes You got you got to fucking forget about time because it's irrelevant when you're

fucking up and Really don't give a shit about nothing because you ain't got nowhere to go. So it don't matter You know his own motivational speaking. You know what that is a positive attitude it's not your typical positive attitude but it's a very positive attitude. I don't think this lasts long this might be just for the camera because I asked back to her Mike I got I haven't talked to Kenny because I heard he broke his phone. How's he holding up now that he's homeless? I'll let me, I'll let me. But Mike said, yeah, I'll come in and see him in the morning and he's happy for the

first sentence and then he starts complaining about his life and I'm like, god damn it, I just wanted to have a nice day. It's okay. I'm doing my best to not bring anybody else down with me. Listen, it's a special kind of positive thinking, when you be like look I didn't sleep very well last night because I was just on a plain wood floor but it's not like I have a job I have to get up and go. I didn't have a job. I still have a job. Well I know but I mean you don't have to get up and go there. You're already there. That's what I'm saying. So check this one out.

He's already know he's cleaned the floors, bro. What is he sleeping on? If you worked here, you'd already be home. I got it. So wait, wait. Let me give you an example of one of my nightly going to work episodes. So I went to karaoke. Just to back up, people don't know. Backdoor Mike owns a restaurant in town,

it's probably the best Mexican and it's a taqueria outlaw. And Kenny has a job cleaning up after hours or before they open in the morning. So I'm there on it was I think a Thursday night

I had been at karaoke at the Hitching post for a few songs And then I went to a friend's and I drank like I want to say five 99 bananas like splitting Fruits of whatever And I knew this look and I knew the first half And I knew, look, and I knew the first half. Those are the things that they impulse by being a circle thing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't, look, they were already frozen, they were already, they were already there looking, they were there ready to go. So. Do you have a favorite flavor? No, I don't. They are not, they are not good for you. I'm telling you what. Saving the wild cherries.

I knew, I know, because every time I drink drink 99 whatever every time since the first time I ever drank it black out Black out black out so this last time was no different So I go to work and I am I walk to work mind you all fucked up on these fucking drinks Some mushrooms and a hit acid which I decided to take on the walk Because I just didn't have enough in me I guess you know why not fuck it it's gonna be a shit homeless have fucking drugs and listen what's the point of being homeless if you can't be free to just take acid on your walk why not fuck it you're walking at the 3.7 miles you might as well trip while doing it I

mean we met a hobo Danny I don't know if you've seen any of the footage yet but it would almost be worth the excursion to embed Kenny for three days with that lot he said that they just show Kenny how to be homeless no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no sometimes you just have to accept your lot in life Kenny you know you know the No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,'ll end up in fights and shit, no. I have my little belongings and I'll try to steal them and then I'll be that. Ho-vo daddy has a pet cat. He's a homeless guy with a pet cat.

I have a cat that I need to get out of the house that I'm squatting in. What are you talking about? Anyways, now I'm back to this quick story. So you can take the cat with you. It's a perfect fit. So back to this. So here I am, fucked up at work.

My friends show up to work and all I can remember is making nachos that were delicious and they weren't, you know, they were good. And then I remember looking at my friends and I'm going, so yeah, you guys enjoy your nachos because I'm just gonna go to sleep right here where I sleep usually. And next thing you know, I'm waking up

and everything's all cleaned up. They leave me some cigarettes. I have no fucking idea what time it was, but I turn the TV off. I looked around, I picked up my pillow, which was the bundle of aprons that has not yet been unwrapped, and I put them back. And I looked around the restaurant like I had finished my job. I went out, locked the door, and I walked the fuck back to Warren. Not doing a goddamn thing I was supposed to do at work that night.

Literally meaning I just fucking left and oops, was still tripping my nuts off when I woke up by the way and realizing that wasn't such a good idea to eat that gel tab on the beginning of that walk, that four hours or five hours prior. And then, do they piss test you at work? No, no, no. So look.

Imagine fucking up the job that lets you sleep on the floor. No, that's what I was telling myself. I was like, did I actually not clean is what I was telling myself because I was still tripping. I'm walking around the pit at god knows what fucking time because the sun's been coming up earlier so it's probably 5 in the goddamn morning for all I know. I'm just looking around like why is everything fucking still breathing? And why is it just like you? Then I was like fuck. I'm still tripping. I Can't I can't down you too much because the other day? We wash the uh hey, let's do a load of whites and and I

Okay, she's like what do I say to that again? And I'm like what I get some more fucking shit to put in there, I'll just do it for you. So the two of us did a load of fucking whites, on heavy and hot, and realized afterwards we forgot to put any soap or bleach in it. That was the whole point. So two of us fucked up a simple.

And we still have to redo that love. Yeah, so it's not like we're perfect, but let's get back to you. But we're better than you! We didn't have to sleep on the lawn, or the laundromat. Hey, hey, hey, that's mean. I would never sleep there unless, I mean, it was warm enough. But anyways. It could be worse, Kenny. You could have the used aprons as your pillow I look I'm not using the used aprons. I'm sorry Let's see, but anyways, so, you know down and out down on his looks fine. It is what it is But then you get the good news of well good news

but it's news I mean, I don't even know how to explain it, but Yeah, yeah, I don't know how to explain it. Well you started off by saying good news and now you have to backtrack. Yeah well so you guys asked where I'm staying I'm squatting in my old bedroom at the house I was living at before I left my girlfriend because she is now in Tucson getting treatment for a ginormous fucking tumor that they had discovered about a week and a half ago because she was puking blood and so on and so forth. And it's what you would call, I would say, an aggressive fucking squid because it's fucking

this big and her ovaries now on her bladder and it's progressively getting worse because you know she does a lot of uh you got out just in time huh thank me thank me imagine it from her perspective she got rid of cancer and got cancer you know what one tumor to another It seems like a pattern with you, Kristen. You have a type. This is a very aggressive type. But no, I did not, yeah. All right, so needless to say, I don't know how to do. I'm kinda stuck between I got away, like you said, in time,

or damn, that kinda sucks. I feel bad, cause that's not what I expected. You know, you don't want nobody to die. But, I mean, she's camping right now, so she's kinda having her, she's camping with her kids. She's in Mount Lipo. Oh I thought she was actually in like... Well they won't treat her because she has cocaine in her system right now and weed

and whatnot and they're afraid she's gonna die on the table. Nothing like get that cocaine out of your system like a camping trip. Well with the kids, I was gonna say, but her kids are grown adults, it'd probably score for her. No. A lot of cocaine at that camp. No, maybe, who knows, I don't know.

But I feel it's, yeah. I like the way you put that present tense, where they can't treat her right now because she has cocaine in her system. Not had cocaine in her system when they... No, she did too then, when she first went in and then she had it again recently. And I'm like, you must not want to live because... Alright, so you haven't talked to her. You had the breakup that was extreme and she was going in a bar as fucking

It's just it was so getting it down and it's furnishing your reputation It was the tumor so they Could have been but Is it a brain tumor? Direct line of communication. Makes me grumpy. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me till after I've had my chemo. Don't talk to me until I've come down. I gotta get a beer.

Alright. Alright, so take us through this Kenny. Oh Lord. You hadn't talked to her. Wait, wait, let me finish the question. You hadn't talked to her. It was a very acrimonious split. And so how did it go from he's shit in my eyes to finding out she had cancer?

She found me. Found me. That's all she discovered. I mean that's a small town. She's going to go every bar she can until? She found me, that's all. She discovered, I mean that's a small town, she's gonna go every bar she can until she does find me. Where'd she find you? Which time? The first time that you talked to her

that you were back in touch. The gay 90s, and then the Hitching Post, and then the gay 90s, and then pretty much every time I was out she'd find me somewhere. But I'm saying, when did she find you on a friendly enough level to tell you she had cancer. Oh, no, that was got a phone. Well somebody else came looking for me and Got a hold of me because they caught she called them because my phone wasn't in service and she couldn't get a hold of me

So pretty much half the town was looking for me everywhere. I went Kristen's looking for a tell her to call She's in the hospital. I don't want to beat the details out of this, but how did she have your phone number? She didn't, she gave, look, I had her blocked, okay, listen. If you'd let me fucking explain for a second. I had her blocked, so she could not get ahold of me. And then all of a sudden I'm getting fucking bombarded

by people saying, Kristen's in the hospital. She needs you to call her. I'm like, Jesus. And it's like, is this a trick or is it not? And it's like, That was my first thought is she's faking cancer to get him back. Well, and I've, when you said like, how did she do it? Have you not hung around them?

I pictured right away, I have fucking cancer and it's all your fault. You fucking call a fucking simple bitch. That was last night. The night before's excursion. I can't remember you it's all your fault you fucking cussing me son of a bitch! That was last night's excursion or the night before's excursion. I can't remember which night it was but yeah. It's going through that one too. And she's not getting it treated. Not yet because she has Pope fucking... But is that because it's not real?

No, it's fucking real. Okay, sorry. I read the paper. I seen the paper from the hospital. Was it handwritten? No. No. Was it handwritten? No. No. No. Legal pad?

Nope. Nope, it was there. He's got the CD. It was actually a folded seal full of cocaine. You had to open it up. And then there was the paper. Yep. So, at what point do you, I don't want to say exploit the situation, but at what point do you go, hey, since you're all up there with cancer and stuff, but not getting treated

and not in a hospital, but you're still up in Tucson, can I stay at your house? Well, she kind of, that's where it becomes where you guys know I'm a fucking weak ass at. And- You fucked her again. no nope not while I was awake I'm just awake. The truth is very relative in this situation. Look man, all I know is Metal Monday, two fucking, a month ago, I had another blackout moment as I was trying to explain.

I've had a lot of blackouts recently. Yeah, by the way. And I had a flash of the bartender from the hitching post fucking tossing me into the back seat of a car which turned out to be Kristen's car. And it was Kristen and the bartender and somebody else loading me into the back seat. Said, oh this is safe, he'll be okay. I'll be, he'll be okay.

I did not realize where I was being put. I was fucking hammered out of my gourd on fucking Bacchinaura. This shows you that she doesn't share her cocaine cause you'd have remembered. I kept flashing too, that's the next thing you know like you said and I mean I wasn't awake and so on and so but anyways so yes, I

Had were you still on top? You know I can't sleep doggy style. That's like the Lenuow words. What did I pay for you? I don't remember. Kenny fucking... Open Mike Kenny, humping stools. Oh man. No, but so now then she goes to Tucson and she didn't want to go. She's the whole fucking time since she's gotten

been diagnosed, she's still worried about the fuck I'm doing. I'm like, you know what? The fucking cares what I'm doing. I'm not doing anything. And I'll make sure I'm not doing anything because I'll just walk around town all night long and all day long just to make sure you know I'm not doing anything because I'll just walk around town all night long and all day long just to make sure You know, I'm not doing anything. So leave me alone. I'm looking at all of your

hidden stash spots for cocaine in your house Empty and one straw How many vibrators one how many other dudes She has multiple squatters in her house while she's gone. A lot of those Mexicans stayed behind. No, if they only knew it right now, they'd be a free-for-all in that motherfucker program. I'm talking about the ones that were best at fucking her. She kept them in the basement. best at fucking her she kept them in the basement. I wonder why she was always mad I was there. I said no wonder why she was always mad I was there.

Interrupting her basement dwellings. Just kidding. Now I've done Bisbee cocaine before and I'm wondering maybe that caused the tumor. She got it from Sierra Vista. That fucking talcum ad. So one of the times she went to the hospital and got tested, she did not test positive for cocaine and she was shocked because she had just done cocaine the night before.

Ha ha ha ha! Old Dwight York joke he said. He said, I just recently passed a drug test my dealers got some explaining I mean I was like I don't know if those are your friends or not. I mean for real. I mean shit Did you realize that? Maybe now you realize that they've been never mind you know anyways But now yeah now she's at her daughter's oral Mount Lemmon camping with her other daughter and her son Yeah, now she's at her daughter's oral mountain lemon camping with her other daughter and her son

Who just recently lost a job with for a DUI because he's a dummy and got in his truck and went and passed out on the side of the highway You know Derek goes camping quite a bit to get away from you, too He's not getting away from me. I was gonna he wanted me to go camping with him I'm just not I'm too scared to go camping with Derek because I'm afraid I won't come back I'm too scared to go camping with Derek because I'm afraid I won't come back. Type shit. Here lies Johnny Ringo, here lies Castle Rock Kenny. I'm like, well shit, that's where I go.

I just pictured Derek telling that dude, if you won't camp in and you won't go. Would you tell anyone? No? Good one. You won't go camping? Oh, I think the sad thing is, No? Good one. Wanna do the camping? Oh, I think the saddest part of making love to Derek would be the spooning he'd want to do after.

I've always really liked him. Can you just beat it? One night stand horror. He is the second worst snorer I've ever heard in my life. It really says something about Kenny, because not long ago I was talking about Derek who was so lonely he just wanted a friend to hug. And then it's like, get the fuck out of my house. No, I never, I don't understand.

I don't care who it is, I just want someone to hug me. If you guys were there, if you were actually there, you would see one thing, I did not fucking fuck with Derek space people like you guys would imagine. No, I would never think that. That's been verified to the point where Derek was creeped out. I think Derek is a guy who has to be by himself.

I mean, it has not a lot to do with you, I would was to the point that he could never tell if Kenny was if Kenny was there because Kenny would look shut his bedroom door and It could be fucking 14 hours But eventually come out put all his dirty dishes in the sink and go back in I have one bowl and I'd go what? It's not like he'd say that's what he would say that's how he got it of course he would well I didn't get this from the Bisbee but I don't even I never even use if I use the dish I would fucking wash it or I wouldn't wash it until the last day and then I left him because he fucking pissed

me off but anyways it was a bowl and a fucking glass tenant abuse and not really I'm for more than I, they have to evict you. Listen, I had a- I would have fucked, I would let Derrick do this. If I had the house and if Derrick was in the same position, he could fucking stay there for as long as the fuck he wanted. That's how I am. That's the way I think.

I'm not trying, I wasn't trying to take advantage of Derrick. I wasn't trying to be peed on his space. It's just, I don't understand his thought process and why he doesn't just talk. And like he doesn't explain anything. So he's like his friend that calls him, apparently, and says, are you coming to visit us? Hey, I think you should do your dishes.

He takes them out and redoes them. It's not like I'm fucking not gonna do them. He'll take them out and redo them. Henry, you should actually do your dishes better. No, he's just fucking crazy OCD and... I was gonna say, Derek just seems like a guy, you know, like, a lot like myself, where you're just better off in your own space. I try to clean up the house.

You know, any sort of thing in your space is gonna have problems at a certain point. It wasn't... Not you, I don't think. Well, still. I really... And then he doesn't try, okay, what am I gonna do to his house? Does he really think I would fuck his house up instead of house hit it like a normal human being?

Because I, it's not like, dude, I just, that kind of fucking makes me think weird. He might understand there's some volatility at play. But I wouldn't fucking do his house dirty. I'm not going to disrespect him like that. I don't think you would either. And I wouldn't, it's... I don't think he'd think so. Well, not gonna disrespect him like that. I don't think you would either. And I wouldn't, it's. I don't think he thinks so. Well he must because he doesn't trust me enough to.

Well I think that he thinks No he not, no one fucking knows. He thinks that you associate with people that he might not trust. Even in the guest house. I don't hang out with anybody at all. In the little house, you get to a point of get the fuck out of my house,

where we were just talking about this yesterday, where it's rare that I have a friend that I could leave there without worrying about like Shane Gillis when he stayed forever I didn't have to worry about that guy he'd fucking get up at 5 p.m. you'd see him for the first time but anyone else you're like fuck it's morning they're gonna want breakfast or I'm cooking breakfast but I don't want to cook for you but I don't want to walk in and see and be cooking and then have to start over for them or whatever so so yes so just like being in

his house like what if I want to Jack if I was still a jacking man I would fucking like this house is such a okay I'm just stopping in for my mail but yeah jacking off aside well now that I'm old you take a shower you dry off you don't want to put anything on right away you want to go and lounge when you're you know nude for a bit I want to dry off all the way I have never lived by myself before so I don't know what that feels like so you've never ever Ever have I've tried I got it. I got an apartment and every time I have I've let somebody fucking move What do you call staying at the taco place?

What is it you and your roommates on the fucking floor When the lunch rush comes in all of a sudden When the lunch rush comes in, all of a sudden... It's not... It's not good. The point being I've never had my own house. Or... Every time I... I've done it once where I did, and I didn't have it because I got a roommate.

And that's the dude that fucked me over in the end. So every... it's like... People can... people have different views of what's acceptable I think that's why I've never had to when I first joined the army I had a roommate when I got stationed in Alaska and we would get out every morning you have to get up and run and it was in Alaska so it was cold and you would wear polypropylene underwear which are long johns except they're way better yeah so we put

that on and you'd go run and no matter how cold it is you're just drenched in sweat we'd go back to the barracks you go in and I'd go in strip everything off put it in the dirty go take a shower I'd come out this guy has taken off the outer shell of his PTs and put his uniform on and is ready for the day. If that gives you any idea what this fucking room smelled like, yeah but you have to stay, my bed was six feet from his bed. Yeah there's no wall separating you, you both live in the same and immediately I was like, I told my platoon sergeant, I said I think we need to do a room inspection today. He goes, what?

I go, isn't today room inspection day? And he was like, he was cool, he liked me. So he's like, yeah, Shaq, I'm gonna inspect your room. I'm like, okay, sergeant. He went, what the fuck? Shaq, why is your window open? And I go, because it fucking stinks in here. It's February in Alaska.

I got my window cracked. I was fucking, I'm brushing snow out on the second floor because the drifts are all the way up there. So yeah, people have different levels of what's acceptable in a small space, you know. Look, I still, Derek's still my friend and all, but he, the way he did, he was just, he's like, damn, bro, it's all good. My question is, do you have any roommates now that you're squatting in your cancer-riddled

ex-wife's house? I don't really talk to the guy too much because he, yeah, we're not going to go there. I don't want to get into that. Let's just say he was my friend and now he's not. But he lives in the house. Yes. Wow. He's been living there since I moved out. And a little bit before probably. No. Maybe. That was just temp work. He didn't go full time. squat thrusts. We call him Well, yeah, I love my girl. I love her 18 years. What can you do?

House well she kind of told me to at the same time But if you have gave me for me, so I don't so I can't get in trouble He can't come up from the upstairs and be like I get the fuck out. I called the cop lot of this Does he have mail there? I haven't seen it before. That's one of the keys. Mail, getting that, I learned that recently, just getting mail, because I have people that get mail at my house, and it can fuck you up. And if they claim, if you claim you live somewhere, they'll say, prove it, and you prove it by

showing them mail with your name on it with that address. And they say, now you have to go through the eviction process. You can't just put that person out on their ass because they live there they have domicile established there. Oh bingo just went to get her real ID and they said we need a piece that's the opposite of that where they go we need a piece of mail in your name like there's nothing in your name. Like there's nothing in your name. I don't know. And a birthday card would have worked. Seriously, they told us that.

Fuck. Yet my old ID would not work, but a birthday fucking card would work. But I remembered, I have one American Express that's in her name. I'm like, all right. But you had to drive all the way back from Douglas. He's still...

Oh, shit. But yeah, that's... So yeah, that's your house now, Kenny. I don't know. Oh, really? It is. I'm still working. I mean, he didn't fire me after my last one.

I did walk into hitching posts on Sunday to him in the back with Kristen and she had his legs she like yeah it was weird and they stayed there that was uh I think you need to flesh that out a little yeah I'm confused on who we're talking about Kristen had her legs and like Mike's like over Mike's legs in in. Backdoor? Yeah it was it was it was kind of a he's like I'm like hey you're real comfortable though. Yeah I think Backdoor can pull a lot stronger.

Oh he was I think he was working the three way out with this other girl that was in there passed out on the couch. Trust me it was weird. I think I fucking cock blocked everything for him for him. Because I could hear him like, what the fuck? That sounds rapey, but you were going to sleep when your fucking president seemed to find. It's kind of like the hot-screen teacher that fucks the boys.

This is on Sunday, look. And this is in the back of the patio of the Hitching Point. Kenny has no idea he was part of that threesome. It's all right. You were on the receiving end and you have no idea! Why do you think Mike hasn't fired you? So what's with all the drinking? Because you were never a big drinker at all.

You were just a high guy and now there's a lot of blackout stories. Do you blame him? No, I'm just, I want to know. I'm a lightweight too, so it's not like it takes much. I can drink three Jack and Cokes and next thing you know I'm fucking walking around the pit or marching up the canyon. Kenny has a lot more reality he's trying to escape these days. Do you, like, Kenny's like, when you realize, what do you the telltale signs of alcoholism, like do you go, oh, I'm drinking in the morning.

That's a sign. No, it's like I'm fighting for my bus fare. Jack and Coke. What bus fare? Oh, you have that right now. I know, that's what I'm saying. I spent it on cigarettes. I don't have bus fare.

But you have cigarettes. You have acid. You have Jack and Coke money. Look't have bus fare. But you have cigarettes, you have acid, you have Jack and Coke money. No, I don't know, listen, look, look. Acid was there, it was already. You can trade all those things for bus rides in Bisbee. For dinner. Before all the drama.

We should try that. We should take a bus. Like the guy who bought a house with a paperclip. He kept trading up. Let's see. Sorry, Kenny. You guys yell at me when I interrupt you guys. Oh, my thought was funny.

I know, but. You're worth a talent. I know. Speaking of, have you, like, you had a world record run of never missing an open mic. Yeah, I went to open mic and it's not as fun anymore because I'm not the host. And all these other hosts in town, they really suck. So the open mic's been going?

Sorry, I've been gone? Yeah, I go, I do my part and I leave. Because if I win, I win. I don't want to win the $10 and the non-take home trophy because it's okay. I mean, yeah, it's getting paid but But there's only the only people there that were that were standing up for are the other three comedians that You can tell the same story to over and over and over and over and they just and it's or you could tell them something New every week and they're just gonna sit there and have the same reaction

Definition of an open mic though. It's kind of gets Monotonous and fucking boring. That's the whole... yeah, anyways. And then now since I lost my license, I can't go to Tucson as free and willingly as I used to. Or wanted to. Or any of that shit, it's because I don't have a fucking... Can't hop a ride with your wife? So if you...

Fuck no, I'm not going to get in a car with her. So if you do win the $10 and you leave, does somebody let you know later? Nope. Fuck no. The same people just keep winning. Ian, or whatever, he's the host at the Royale too, and it sucks. But anyways, I'm one of those comedians

that are not even, they can't make me laugh. It sucks. But it is what it is. You were never a big laugher around here, but you're a muse. You create laughter? Yeah, well, that's called a jester as well. Or an idiot. There's a lot of words you could use, but you entertain us.

And I was sad when I got home and I couldn't get a hold of you. Well, and then I, so I went and put my chip into my old phone. That's how I replaced the phone, is put it into my old phone that I discovered at the house that I'm at. And I said, hey, maybe this will work. And it sure enough didn't.

And I'm like, hey, then I looked at my contacts, which weren't my contacts, they're all Kristen's contacts, because she had mirrored the phone to her phone to get it to turn on so she could search it to see what I was doing prior to, so on and so forth. But there was nothing. My life is so uncomplicated. We should do this to each other, honey.

We are bored. We don't look at each other's phones. We get stuck in this shit. You have to show me your phone can you take a second please? Yeah I know I know. Read what I posted. What I've realized without having my phone for three weeks or whatever and it's like fucking retard trying to have a conversation with anybody because within 30 seconds... Oh, what? And it's like, why? I mean, they're pointless. Well, that's, if someone's breaking out their phone

in the middle of their conversation. I know, Doug, I know. You gotta look at both sides of the equation. I definitely do that on purpose, a lot. That's a pointed move of mine. I already know that. Maybe they'll shut up. Have you ever faked a phone call

and it doesn't stop them? Yeah, no. Hang on, I gotta take this. Fuckin' Safeway. Yeah, anyway, do you still do the football parties? It's my lawyer. Cancer, you say my lawyer. Yeah. Cancer you say?

Hold on sir. What should I bring to the football party? No. I remember when I was first going on the road doing Tribble gigs, I was opening for a guy named Matt Woods who was fucking hilarious but I had to show us back then all you're doing is you're doing comedy to hopefully get pussy.

So after the show he'd be talking to me, he's an older dude and he can tell I'm just scoping out fucking chicks after the show hoping someone says I was funny and and he'd be talking until he saw that I'm not paying any attention and he'd go, so anyway it turned out to be cancer, but thanks for listening. I mean, I have a new one every time.

So my sister ended up dying from it, but thanks for listening. Oh, sorry. I like that. Yeah, I like it. That's what I like about here. We can all just openly acknowledge if we don't want to listen I know I don't want to listen right now Yeah, that's why we get along so good because we you know you go hey, I just

I'm gonna have to move that podcast off a day. Yes. I'm not Yeah, that's fine I'm just gonna shorten my stories to like, one, two, three words or none. I dare you. I dare you to shorten your stories. I tried. Tighten them up, Kenny. I tried and it doesn't work.

Do we, I don't know how. Oh, it was you or Derek. I don't know if we just talked about offering. All right, you're gonna give them a ride to the airport, but you can't, we'll pay it if you don't say anything the whole way. I think it was just an idea that we never did. You just can't talk, but Kenny, having to drive

an hour 45 and not say anything. Bet you I couldn't be fucking. I'd bet you money I could. You could put that on your Twitch. Just. Just watch Kenny grind off an entire tooth. Nope, I would literally turn on classical music, turn it up and just drive and not say a word. Unless I was talking to traffic.

When you talk to the passenger or nothing. That's where I would be. You're better than me. I remember those early days on the road or just endless fucking drives and you realize, I haven't spoken a word in two days. Just driving from Texas to Oregon or whatever. Me and Tom didn't have conversation all the way home. You and who? Kenopka. Kenopka. Where's Steve? I see him every other day

walking around town just like a tourist. He's like the accidental tourist that never left. He found his spot. I don't know what he does. He's embedded himself in the culture well man. We were going to the gym for a little bit, until I got... He literally looks like a tourist. Started having to go to my grandma's all the time. I see him and then I'll say, What's up, Tommy?

He's like, What's up, Cunny? Is he still at the Y? I think so. Have you thought about that? He seems to have gotten a good deal staying at the Y. Have you thought... You really should. I might even pay your fucking first month

to move into that Warren Hotel there at the corner at the four way stop where people are all mingling, you know, right by. Shared bathroom down the hall, shared kitchen. Yeah, it's that one building right here at the four way stop. Is that where the morning's cafe. It's yeah yeah that one. That's what I was talking about That Hong Kong documentary everybody had the kitchen in the bathroom

Fucking trailer for sale or rent kind of fucking flop house. So this is like slap city fucking business style Yeah like slab city fucking bisbee style yeah I would imagine there's a waiting I would imagine there's a waiting room or waiting list for those places throw somebody out and be like it my turn it's not that hard is that really how it works I mean it could if we I mean that's kind of how I pictured slab city you know if you just go there and be like if I can start you just go there a couple days in a row Friends of mine your friend and him boom hey, it's time to go bro. Just slowly move in yeah, like just like I know how to do

We say We say that so you know you know these are that but that's not a viable place at this point you think it will be No, I don't I have I can't it is dude. I don't know about what's wrong with me. I just can't fucking there's certain things I can't do and that's like one of them is I can't live around people like that. Oh, I understand. That's why I was gonna ask. Why do you think I walk around all night because I'd rather be alone? Yeah, that's what makes you know the cheap rope and Harbor Freight so scary. It's true. It really makes owning a gun really scary because as long as I don't carry it I'm fine. That's the way I look at it.

How does that matter to mine? I mean they take your shoelaces when you go to the mental hospital so I mean if you're really committed you know you don't fucking like, if I had a gun, you got shoes, you fucking pussy. You know? You know? That's right. I never even thought of that.

Thanks for giving me new ideas. Not have to walk around the pit fucking shoelaces. Fucking take all the strings out of my sweats and be walking around holding them up. Would you get some B-roll of Kenny just walking around the pit, avoiding traffic because there's no sidewalk? You should let me use those glasses.

You'll see how fucking close it really is. Give you a fucking bird's-eye view of what it looks like at 2 in the morning as these cars are flying. Yeah, just a GoPro on Kenny's head is a Twitch stream. I do it embedded. I've been saying it forever but. That's why Hobo Danny and his crew, they pick up their shit together. I can take over the Hobo camp here

behind the post office. I need these Hobo camps. There's like four of them. You don't have to take over, Kenny. You can just fit in, man. No, I don't. I don't fit in. You take over, Kenny. You can just fit in, man. No, I don't have to fit in. You take over, then you come up and he wants to win the $10.

Listen, you're either the raper or the rapy at these homeless camps, man. There's not in between. You have no idea about the stories that have been heard about these homeless dudes. You're right, I do not. I am so grateful, Kenny, that I have not heard any stories. Like, pop around the corner and there's Deesler, oh yeah, just going to town on the dude with the little dog. That's not a big deal.

Well, that's a good thing. You haven't heard a lot of these stories but you will I will wrap up here because afterwards we're gonna have you fucking read some police beats a month's worth so I'm lucky I didn't been in those either police beat or as it's now called where's Kenny you have to figure out which is secretly Kenny? Oh, I? Started out happy That's a wrap I'm like man. I'm gonna get killed by one of her kids