The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 02 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: February 19, 2015

DAY 02Day 02 of Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Smooth sailing so far. Tweet Doug your top 5 Episodes of the Doug Stanhope Podcast for him to listen to, Good OR Bad. Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Feb 18, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Links-SCHWEPPES CLUB SODA - http://www.schweppesus.com/products/schweppes-club-sodaCANADA DRY CLUB SODA - http://www.canadadry.com/#/products/clubSoda Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song "Every 1's A Winner" by Hot Chocolate. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I don't know where my head is. Let's take a break because the UPS man is distracting me, bringing plenty of boxes. And let's see who got what after these messages. Hey, fine people. Thanks for donating to the Keep Chaley and Bisbee donation fund on the podcast page at DougStanhope.com. Chaley gets all giddy every time. he gets it so much as a filthy nickel. So keep your donations coming and it keeps Chaley smiling. It keeps me fucking talking.

And also, hey, what I'm going to do sometime in the next few days in that fucking stinking trailer, which I'm really growing to love. Maybe I stay in the trailer. I don't know. Is the Marilyn Manson debacle podcast, which is completely unairable, according to Chaley. I'm going to I'm going to just pull chunks out of it so we can have the Marilyn Manson minute on each podcast upcoming. And I'll just put a little snippet of shit that proves why it could never be aired as a whole. Do you remember at any point does he say, don't air this? Oh, by the way, don't air this.

I'd love to make that into a ringtone. Let's get back into this burner day two podcast of the hashtag tin can rehab we're gonna take more pictures we're gonna do more stuff i get a fucking focus i'll have my focus in a couple days people by the way uh you got dick i got uh lacroix uh fucking over i don't understand how amazon prime works but this is for another podcast where we need filler material. But yeah, I got good shit from Amazon Prime, and you got flat envelopes. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Because I've been doing a lot of not drunk late night eBay Amazon. Stop that, cat. Hey, if anyone wants to buy a a uh sorry this is exactly how my brain has been going for fucking days if you want to buy if you want to buy a uh jesus at the last last supper uh what is that a daybed or it's like a couch it's a couch basically it's made out of a day it's a couch but it's actually like a mattress a mattress that you're sitting on because it's got like a bed spring underneath it on the couch part. Yeah, well, who do they email? Oh, I got to figure out if we're going to do it online

or we're going to try and just do it on Craigslist. I was going to throw this by a dumpster. I guess that's not a way to advertise it. Someone found it at a thrift store and thought it would be funny to put it in my house when I was on the road And they did and I thought it was funny for a minute And then I'm like alright put it outside for football And people can sit on it by the fire And then I was just going to trash it

But Chaley goes oh no I'll fucking sell that Which you know you could The tapestry is from Italy Yeah I'm sure some Fucking serious Jesus freak Would pay a lot of money for that. But I think my fans would just pay a pittance as a goof if they lived in the neighborhood and they don't. Just because you don't want it in your house doesn't mean it's not worth something.

When has Jesus ever sold anything to anyone? Ever. All right. What up? This is Will Smith, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Beautiful. It's a day two podcast of the tin Can. Hashtag Tin Can Rehab.

I did tweet trailer rehab earlier, but we thought Tin Can Rehab sounds funnier. Either way, two days, fucking bam. No problems. In and out. No temptations. No struggles. It's been the most fucking peaceful thing. Just the idea, just when you just tell people that you're in rehab,

they just leave you alone. Even if you tell them it's fake, they still leave you alone. I'm just doing this as a goof. I thought of a lot of different ways that I could take drastic measures to quit smoking, including taking a boat and hiring a captain. They're just fucking, hey, get me away from a store for a long time. Go up in the mountains, get a cabin, get dropped off. They all seem stupid.

Because I know I'm too lazy to walk to the store. So why don't I just go out in that trailer there? And that way I get everyone to fucking leave me alone. Because no one's going to come over and visit you and i think there's no room for visits and i've been getting some reading done i've been getting emails like that's just emails alone there's such a burden on me that i hated even checking new ones because i'd see how many is sitting in there that i already read and never got back to blowing them out of the water. I think I have like 750 left after two nights going into day three. When does Dr. Drew come looking to me for some advice? Because I think, you know, with the template that I've put down here, what I've done going into day three, two and a half solid days of my own celebrity rehab

without a single life lost. Nobody's died on my watch. And I think I can pass on some of what I've learned. No 12 steps. It's fucking two steps to get in that trailer. Two, two steps. steps. It's fucking two steps to get in that trailer. Two steps. That's the key to quitting smoking. Get a trailer. Get away from people who make you want to smoke. Your girlfriend who asks you

fucking nonsense questions all the time. How should I cancel my haircut? Should I call her or should I call Tracy and have Tracy tell her because she's getting a haircut first? Go, I don't fucking know. Just cancel the fucking haircut.

Why do I, why does this, give me a cigarette. See, that would be a time where I'd like, fuck this. I need a cigarette and I need a drink. But yeah, bingo. Listen, daddy's going to be going into the big blue metal box for a month. Now you're going to be a big girl. Okay, be a big girl. So yeah, you remove all those things in your life.

The fucking mailman who's chatty. I need a cigarette. Anyone who wants you to work or think, have some kind of parallel thoughts that lead to conclusions i have i can't fucking think what so i i'm happy i don't need a cigarette i'm happy not smoking but i can't focus on anything i've literally walked back and forth from the fucking trailer and going to like going to the bathroom or the kitchen or i gotta go all the way around and fucking check the mail over there because I heard

the horn and the dogs barking and I never most of the time I never remember what I, it's not even like what did I come into this room for? I go into that room for one reason and come out with a whole different purpose and that never gets

completed by the time, oh I get to get a fucking extra blankets for the trailer. Cause it's cold as shit. And it's starting to get dark and I don't want to have to go all the way over there with the fucking things and the crawl space. And then the next thing, you know, I'm squeezing oranges and milk and bananas and I'm preparing a dinner for

tomorrow. And then I go and I ask you if you ate dinner and try to give you that dinner and bingo come eat. Well, uh, shit. Yeah. So that I'm not functional. That's the thing.

If you if you if you're like a solid drinker, like I am quit for two days every 35 years or so. And you'll notice there's a whole second day that is attached to the day they already had. It's like the two days in the hole that I've completed. It was basically four days because I wake up very motivated, whether I'm drinking or not. I wake up in the first five, six hours. If I can get out of the house, I get shit done. I boom to walk the dogs and let's get to the store and get to shopping and the errands and banking, et cetera, and the thrift stores. And then around 5.30, that's when we're happy houring. And then you just destroy the second half of what would be a full day

to a non-drinker. You don't have that because you're just, all right, at 5.30, okay, now we're getting hammered for the rest of the night. And the more I talk about it, that worked perfectly. And I don't know why I stopped doing that. In mid-sentence, I'm going, why did we fucking stop doing it? I don't know why we had to put drinking on. Because I know why.

Because it would make me smoke. Anyway, it would crush my... Point is, there's a lot of fucking time in the day to kill when you don't drink and you have no job or no interests. So yeah, I have a lot of fucking time in the day to kill when you don't drink and you have no job or no interests so yeah i have a lot of things that's just focusing i i got books i can't wait to get into today we went to uh well we went to get the one car fixed and so i knew it was going to take a few days so we we had to go 30 miles away to get it fixed. So I brought the other car, the Mazda in,

cause I knew I'd probably get a little sketchy being around that car lot and try to trade that shit in on something. But in Sierra Vista, all they have is the most fucking boring fucking cars. You want a Chevy or a Ford? Do you want the Fiesta or the Sonic? Cause that's your choices. Or do you want a pickup truck?

So on the off chance, they did have an orange Hyundai Sonata, which is kind of an old man car, but I'm an old man, so I could live with that. I really want another fucking Mazda, but they don't have a Mazda dealership down here. I just need something with GPS, because if I'm ever going to fool myself into thinking that one day i'll go to tucson and hit some open mics which i think i want to do or i say i want to do and if i'm not drinking maybe i do that but i need gps because the problem is i used to with chaley here we go back because he uses we call it the girl his GPS. Turn left and we'll battle.

I'm like, that's fucking wrong. This time that fucking thing is wrong. And half the time I'm right and he should have listened to me. The other half, we would have never gotten anywhere close without the thing. So I would be, while he's trying to fiddle with the thing, I would just call the hotel and say, hey how do i get to your hotel while he's still fucking around with his gps and pressing buttons okay you take what exit okay and then you go left and it's on the frontage road okay boom see i beat your thing it's like john brown against the uh

mechanical hammer or something the steam shovel is it Brown? Is it John Brown versus the steam shovel? It doesn't matter. Yeah, they introduced a steam shovel. It's going to steal John Brown's stupid work. So they go hammer to hammer who can lay more railroad track or something. And then John Brown wins. But then he dies because he had to fucking try so hard. My point is that the only reason I'm collapsing and getting a car with a GPS is because now no one knows the directions. So if you call the hotel and you get the front desk person, they grew up with a GPS. They never thought to write directions down or know them. Well, you just type in this address and then when the lady says turn left you turn left that's how you get here so i need a goddamn car with gps and i i broke poor guillermo's heart down there at

lolly lolly chevrolet ladies and gentlemen lo, no one beats a Lolli deal. Nobody. And that's why I wanted to just get a quote at Lolli, because a fucking commercial pisses me off. Nobody beats a Lolli deal. Nobody. They add that second nobody, like nobody. Like in your fucking face. You want to prove me wrong?

So yeah, no, a lot of people beat a Lolli deal, you fucking assholes. And they have good looking cars. Not just fucking white, black and blue. I saw the orange fucking Sonata. I go, I'm in. I look through the window. It had GPS, the screen on the dashboard, which is what I want. And then I just came in in a fury.

Shaley just shaking his head at me going, yeah yeah i need a quote on this car and i need to get inside that orange hyundai i'm gonna get the uh number off the car that's one five y zero four seven oh thanks yeah i need to get this done you said something smart fucky he he he went inside to get the key because you had circumvented him having to walk out to get the number and then come back and then go and you go, no, here's the number. And then he went inside and you looked at me and he got,

and he said, he has one shot at this. Oh, no. Before that, I said something about, we're not going to have that kind of time. Yeah.

Yeah. And he goes, I don't even know what that means. I go, I want to buy this car as quickly as possible. Cause I want to go to lunch. Yeah. This is the last time I fucking bought that other car there.

It was like literally three hours. I'm fucking, I'm paying cash, not literal cash, but I'm writing you a check. I didn't even fucking barter. I mean, you've said yes. It's not maybe I need to call the little lady and figure out what's going on. No credit check, nothing. I want to buy that car as soon as possible. And then he's like, you know he's doing every textbook salesperson.

I just bought a 2015 Sonata myself. No, you didn't. He said that? Yeah, he said that on the walkout. I walk so fast. That's a good choice, Sonata. I got one myself. Yeah, he said that on the walk out. I walk so fast. That's a good choice, Sonata. I got one myself. Yeah, textbook.

Yeah, textbook. After I already told him, like, I'm paying cash. I just, yeah, I want to get this over with. And he still seemed confused. Like, I got to seal this. I got to close this. I closed it for you, Guillermo. And we sat down in it.

And it's got the screen for GPS. And then I punched it. And I need to see your license. I'm speeding him through this. I'm really high-pressure buying. He's not high-pressure selling. I'm high-pressure buying. So I'm already putting it in gear.

Where he's got the temporary plate still in his hand it's not even on the car and i i didn't need you should see your driver's license sir and i i go i'm not taking this off the lot don't worry i just want to drive it straight down the row and then right back and here's my license and then i hit gps and i go where's the GPS? This is a deal breaker. He goes, a deal breaker? His voice went up. Elapsed time in the car, 45 seconds. At most. He starts explaining, well, it's whatever.

It's like the Bluetooth thing or the life. There's a button that you can get a service. It's like OnStar. But it's Hyundai's version. Blue line. He didn't seem that confident in what it was. And I think he knew he was on the ropes. Star, but it's Hyundai's version is a blue line. He didn't seem that confident in what it was, and I think he knew he was on the ropes, and then you basically... I said, so

you have to have a subscription to get GPS forever? Like, you can't just get it once and you already have GPS? No, it's a subscription, and I'm like, alright, thank you very much. That was it. Pop the door and out. You could feel like a flat loaf of horse shit drop into his pants.

You know how pancakes and patties out or cow shit, I should say. Yeah, plops. Yeah, plops like a like a giant Hershey kiss without the swirly part of a loose Hershey's kiss. Yeah. Like the top down into the sides. A loose Hershey's kiss. Yeah. Like the top goes down into the sides. Yeah, it's like fried a thwap. Like he had just made the month's rent and then lost it that quickly. No, wait.

I can call another lot. There's no other lot around here. I wouldn't be here if there's another lot close enough you could call another lot. If I was going to go to the closest lot i'd be in tucson i'd be at a fucking mazda dealership because that's a car i really want but i kind of you kind of got me at a weak moment here without the fucking booze and the cigarettes and i needed to replace that with some kind of manic buying thing and i really do need that car anyway and i gotta get rid of this mazda because it's fucking old and rattly and it does not have the gps it goes very fast maybe i should try to sell my car my podcast if you want a 2010 mazda 3 with 46 000 miles that weird rattle that no one can

trace since i bought it well uh call me it's probably not a proper time to give out my home phone i don't think i'm serious inquiries only i'm serious this time if you want to buy if they're serious about it they'll find you yeah if you want to buy a last supper couch from greg chaley it's a couch that someone dropped off here. It was from a thrift store, I think. I don't know. No one would ever cop to who put this in my house while I was on the road.

And it's got a full thing of Jesus at the Last Supper. You should tweet a picture of that anyway. I've got one. Yeah, I've got that one of you sitting on it. I'll put it up. Yeah. Serious inquiries only. Just stop by.

Don't stop by all right so yeah so there's no car i think maybe tomorrow maybe tomorrow we drive up to tucson and go to a mazda dealership and uh something with a fucking gps something the fucking mazda 3 does not come in a good color. I want a fucking orange car again. That fucking Kia was great, and I should have never traded it, and I'm a fucking asshole. I should have traded the Mazda. Because you don't get good orange cars very often.

You can get orange cars, but not a fucking cool one. Kia was pretty cool. But the Mazda 3, I like that too. And if I could drive a Lexus, I just can't drive a Lexus. Not in this fucking town. Even if it's a wagon and it's kind of family oriented. That Lexus fucking, what do you call that? It's part organic and part not.

Hybrid? Yeah. Yeah, it's a wagon. It looks just like the Mazda 3. But just having fucking lexus no no you look like a fucking asshole so so that's that i i get uh i get nothing else yeah nicoludo i did find where i i did uh mention your name as though that was your club but it's not your club. So I apologize for making you for a second look like you were an actual business owner rather than some fucking flunky poster licker. So yeah, I apologize if there was any confusion that I've made. Nick Aludo sound like he owned the club that was

trying to pull over and you weren't even the point of the whole fucking thing. So why could you listen to that podcast and think this is all about me? It had nothing to do with you. It was just clubs in general and the shitty things they do. And you happen to be the booker. So go fuck your... I just said go fuck yourself.

And that's so very fucking... How do you fucking Bill Burr? You can't take go fuck yourself. That's what everybody says you just can't say it on a podcast anymore god love you bill i get uh i get nothing i get uh the day two is complete day three is getting uh towards sundown now after a long day of killing time i think that's what i'm saying about that that two days two days in a day.

You get that whole second day that I normally now I'd start drinking. Now I have to think of how to kill the rest of my time, except for my two drinks per night. I still have that to look forward to. Last night I took someone's suggestion. I didn't want to for gin because I never drank gin. I don't think I've drank gin since when I was stealing it from underneath my dad's cabinet because he would never drink. All the booze that was in there

was all the booze he'd ever bought in his life back when he was with my mother. And when they divorced, that just disappeared in his mind because he didn't drink and he didn't have parties like she did. So that was our little, what do you call it, bequeathment. So we nursed that through our teenage years and you get down to, I remember gin being really tough. And then I remember drinking vermouth, having no training. Like, all right, what do we mix this with to get it down? And then I, when I grew up, I found out nobody drinks that.

That's just to like sterilize the rim of a martini or something. So yeah, gin. That's just to like sterilize the rim of a martini or something. So yeah, gin, I didn't want to mix it with soda and grapefruit because that's how I drink my vodka. And I go, that's kind of making it the same drink, isn't it? No, not with gin. But fresh squeezed grapefruit does neutralize that horrible gin flavor nicely. And I'm using the, because i'm only drinking sparingly two cocktails a night i'm using the good shit uh the good soda water if you think there's no difference

you get any kind of can of any kind of or a bottle two liter bottle those small six ounce or eight ounce both schweps and and Canada dry I'm dropping a lot of fucking brand names in this aren't I well sometimes they fucking matter you get the small ones and just see for yourself even Chaley went oh fuck but they're wicked expensive it's not worth it unless you're doing something like this if you're drinking all night it doesn't fucking matter put sewer water in it get Get toilet water. Cups. Metal jail cups of toilet water.

And then blow bubbles in it. Call it tonic. So I don't know what I'm drinking tonight. I hope you're following hashtag tin can rehab. And I'll get more shit up there eventually. But right now i've just been wandering around with my blanket like fucking moses what's that five podcasts oh yeah yeah no i was saying i

wanted five podcasts to listen to and eventually before this uh 28 days is up i'm gonna have to listen to some of my podcasts because I didn't even want to do this one. And I just listened to just the three minute clip where I mentioned Nickelodeon. We're talking about Hedberg and fucking shitty bookers or something. And yeah, Nickelodeon made it all about him with his fucking rancid email. Dare you drag my name through the mud. You got mentioned in the same sentence as Hedberg. When does that ever fucking happen? You got mentioned in the same sentence as Ed Bird. When does that ever fucking happen? You got mentioned in the same conversation as stand-up comedy. When has that happened before? So yeah, if you want to throw some hints of what podcasts of mine I should listen to, I'd love to know because I don't even know where to start. I don't remember ever doing this.

I remember the last two podcasts. Wait. Maybe I don't. Maybe there's only one. Is this the second? Jesus Christ. All right. Well, let's close this on another one, and you're going to get so many. I want to keep a set list of all the closing songs from the 30 days in the

hole. Hashtag tin can rehab. This was too much to remember. Close it out with this. This will fucking rock your socks off. It's hot chocolate with everyone's a winner, baby. Enjoy. Thank you. That's the life you never felt To satisfy Satisfy Satisfy

Never could explain just what was happening to me Just one touch of you and I'm aflame Baby, that's amazing just how wonderful it is All the things we like to do are just the same Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the truth Thank you. Satisfied Satisfied Thank you. Make it look to you as there's a fear Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie You never fail to satisfy Satisfy Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm on it. Hey! Thank you.