The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 07 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: February 24, 2015

DAY 07A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking.  First seven days competed and no cigarettes. Doug travels to Tucson for a new car. Plus, Word of the Day.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Feb 23, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Links-Skyline Comedy Club - http://skylinecomedy.com/event.cfm?id=372418Andy Andrist - http://andyandrist.net/Junior Stopka- http://juniorstopka.com/ Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “What's It Gonna Be” by Mike O'Connell. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

🎵 Shall we? Oh, we are. Here we are, just, I don't know, yesterday or the day before, we're goofing on whoever sent us the candy cigarettes. And what are we going to do with them? What were you gift them? It's not like we're going to eat them.

Cut to right now, all three of us eating candy cigarettes about to podcast. So that worked. God damn it. Oh, yeah. The first week is complete. And I thank you, my supportive audience base, for all your candy cigarettes and your well wishes. Thank you very much We went out today We hit the ground running On the morning of day 8 Got up wicked early Wait This is the day 7 Yeah, it's day 7 podcast

It's tape recorded on day 8 We say it every god damn day I know, it's confusing So yeah No problems But yeah, this morning got up 8. We say it every goddamn day. I know it's confusing. So yeah, no problems. But yeah, this morning got up about 5 to 6 in the morning.

5 minutes to 6. I guessed I'd be up at 545. I was 555. Chaley went to bed very late. Did not want to get up at all, but he motivated. And we drove up to tucson to buy a uh trade in my uh mazda for a mazda a new one with fucking gps and uh every time i've bought a new car it's just an unbelievable process it's like you're

buying a house where you're just why can't you just give me the fucking car? Why can't I just like, all right, sign a thing. It's like stacks. And it took, we went in purposely that early. The place opens at eight. We were there at eight 30.

And it was like the first town. Yeah. Yeah. There was not a bustling hub by any means. The first salesman that was getting there, if we get there before that, we'd been sitting there waiting for a salesman to get shit. We were wandering around the parking lot

waiting for anyone to fucking notice us. In a sea of dealerships. Yeah, the auto mall, the Tucson auto mall. It's just fucking acre after acre of shit and fucking tin and desperation and sweaty necks and ring around the collar. And yeah, fucking polyester pants and the hot sun. Can I help you, sir? So we get on the lot and I know what I want.

And I go, all right, let me check the blue one because Bingo wants blue. But it's an ugly fucking blue and she won't like that blue. So I'll get the red. And that was it. I knew what I wanted. So by the time we walked through going cubicle to cubicle and we finally found in the far cubicle, Arthur, our salesman, who was straight up a gill from the Simpsons. He was a 57 year old because he said uh nine years older than you my birthday is a few days after yours and i go same year oh no i got i got like nine

years on you buddy so that dude is 57 and first one in is a year he's been on the job for a year and a half. That means at 55, he was job hunting to sell cars. We saw that kid that came in during the fucking long morning. There was a kid that came in to apply for a job, and he had the high and tight cut, and he had a new suit, and he sat pole up in the back rigid and you could feel him shaking yes sir okay I'll sit right here then sir Gil Arturo

Arturo fucking Arthur Arturo Gil was I think that's the name of the midget on the man show. Anyway, he had to apply for that job at 55 years old and had to go and suck it up like that. And he had the, he had the, the Saul Rosenberg almost voice from Jersey, but my, yeah, my daughter lives in Boston now.

She got transferred and I, yeah, I lived out here and I, she just, I just put her in this very same car. Only hers had a moonroof exact same red. Yeah. It's a good car. It's a really good choice. Safe, safe.

And good mileage. I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

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I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I want to see the other one you have in blue. It's the same blue. I don't want that. All right, this. You have a 2.0 and a 2.5. I want the 2.5. And boom, that's it. Good. Let's just take this. And well, when we first saw him, I said, listen, I need to get a price for my trade in. And he goes, okay, you want to trade it in on a new car?

Okay, just give me one minute and he started walking towards the bathroom and there's no one else in there and as he's going to the bathroom we're about to walk outside to the car and i i said loud enough that i could he could hear it but not so loud that as i go i said to chaley i go maybe i should have just called rocky and uh i had no idea what you were doing and so we go outside yeah maybe I should have just called Rocky. And I had no idea what you were doing. And so we go outside. Yeah, maybe you should have. And I said, this is the trade-in.

And oh, I smell a ripe one here. Oh, God, I hope this turns my luck around. Yeah. He said, OK, ask me some questions and bullshit. And we go back inside. I'm just going to give the guy the numbers and the detail, and we'll get a number for you. Yeah, just give me a number.

We can get this over with as quick as possible. Oh, so he goes to get the number and get on the phone, and I see him. I go over to get some coffee, and I see him backtrack and go back outside, and i see he's texting madly and then he comes back in after a few minutes and uh he says it so you you know rocky i overheard you say you know rocky and i go oh you could say that like shit eating grin oh as i said pearson oh. You could say I know Rocky.

What I did, having no fucking game in the car haggling world. I don't know. I know I'm going to get ripped off, and I know I want to fight with them just to be a prick because I know you're going to rip me off anyway, so I want to be at least a dick. So instead of doing that, I fucking Google searched the name of the GM of fucking Jim Click Mazda and the Tucson Auto Mall. Rocky Pearson.

That's an easy one to remember. And I dropped it just subtly to Chaley, not to the guy. Not even directly. To Chaley. So that guy felt bad for overhearing it. And he's like, oh, yeah, Rocky and all those guys, they're all in a meeting across the street. But they'll probably be over before, you know, before too long.

And then he goes, oh, fuck, what are you going to do now? And I go, he meets a lot of people. Don't worry. I know because I fucking you could do that to me a million times a week just come up to me and go stanhope the fuck how crazy was that weekend in fucking pennsylvania jesus i haven't seen you in so long and i'd go yeah that was a crazy one so so we're stanhope meets a lot of people. And the thing is, the problem is on the website, they have a photo for each name.

The GM, okay, that's the head guy. Rocky Pierce, let's go with the head guy. But all the pictures are just silhouettes. So you have no idea what they look like. So I'm having Chaley look for him on Google. I found him on Facebook. Eventually. But if he was standing next to us,

we wouldn't have known. This is the whole time the guy comes back with the number and okay, now we're going to do this and we'll wait here and then the guy, do you want coffee? And then the second in command, what's his name? Alex. Alex Cruz comes in and

he's like a little drill sergeant and he walks in all peppy and he goes, hi, I'm Alex Cruz. And what should I have you? And so, you know,

Rocky, huh? You know, Rocky. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

He's like, well, we're going to do anything we can to help you out. And it's just all gung ho and motivated. That's when Chaley's like starting all right we better fucking know what this guy looks i hope this is a long meeting because you know if we don't know any one of these guys coming in i figure with a name like rocky pearson in the car you know car sales business we're gonna know his swagger if he came in with gray sweats and a beanie yeah i'm in fucking pajamas i'm complete

big lubowski i'm unshaven just hooning coffee down my head in a long bathrobe and pajama pants and a fucking wrinkled t-shirt fucking my uh half slipperlipper, half-driving shoe, half-slippers. So, yeah. And up until this point, I mean, everyone was super nice. I mean, we had a different experience at Lawley. I mean, Arthur, I mean. Yeah, oh, he was a sweetheart. Great guy.

Like, when he'd walk away, we're goofing on him for being Gil-like, but that's the guy I want to get my money like that's the guy that i want to like if i could i'd go in and go who's lowest on the leaderboard like who really needs a fucking lay down as we would say anyone who does ever did sales on any level commissioned sales knows that feeling of fucking all right you know what i'm just gonna take this so let's get this done like just a complete laid down mooch sucker mark just yeah just just give me a good price don't make me haggle but dropping the rocky pearson i swear to god we got a fucking deal rocky wasn't there rocky had meetings so there's no you just had to assume i i guess i know who it is so and

they sent over of them they sent over a proxy to let you know that hey we're taking care of you and then i was alex rocky couldn't be here but we're gonna do everything in our power to make sure everything's great thank you very much alex it's great now we're all set we don't need any more coffee chaley when we walked onto the lot hit his timer because we went up early to see how quickly we can get a fucking car no haggling no bullshit a check and a trade-in and we we know exactly what we want i yeah and i thought well getting the number on the car is going to be the pain in the ass nope got that in the first 30 minutes i believe even less than that probably first 20 minutes we had a number what they were going to be the pain in the ass. Nope. Got that in the first 30 minutes, I believe. Even less than

that. Probably first 20 minutes, we had a number what they were going to give me for my trade in, and it was a decent deal. Is what they said it would be on the internet? Fine. That's great. And so he said, okay, and it will be this with the less to trade plus the taxes. This is the number you're looking at. And I go, that's good. And I pulled the check out of my wallet, and it was $36 short of a round number. It was 15 grand. I go, let me just make it out for 15 grand so I don't have to put all the 960 to...

Like write all the extra words. Yeah. And he goes, no, don't fill it out yet. Like, oh, this for a minute, it seemed like could this possibly be this easy? We're going to be out of here in half an hour? Nah, not even fucking close. Only customers in there the entire

day. Well, when we left, I saw people coming in, but I didn't know if they were customers. No one was on the lot. All those people were washing the cars that were walking around them. And getting service. Yeah. All the people down in the coffee room,

those are people who are trying to get their oil changed before they got to go to work. That was busy. But yeah, no customers. So yeah, it ended up taking two hours and 26 minutes total. I wish I had said, okay, that number looks good if i can get the car in under an hour because i what are you doing this whole fucking time what are you gonna we're gonna gas it up and then the well shouldn't i be with the numbers guy like signing all this

bullshit paperwork just initial here initial here why was he running back to the, air quotes, guy, when you could have sat down with the guy? I mean, Arthur did a great job, and he hustled. He was running, like, jog walking back and forth, back and forth, until he finally handed you off to Glenn. But it was kind of weird. It's like, how many times is he going to disappear? And I think it might be what they usually do,

because they usually let you stew and think, maybe I need that undercoating. That rust proofing is important, don't you think? There was no upselling, nothing, until we got to the finance guy. Okay, well, the guy in the finance thing, and he started doing this whole pitch, song, and dance. Okay, with the three-year 36, that's a limited he's writing this all he's got this whole thing and i tell him listen i just want to get to breakfast don't you know i hand me the things and i know where to initial them you can start to say what is and i don't care because

i'm gonna have to fucking sign it or initial it anyway and i'm never gonna read it so whatever you say so let's just make it quick and he got to the part where is his sales pitch he's just moving the paper across the desk next paper folder it folder it folder it let's get the fuck out of here then it gets to his sales pitch well this i'm required and i go it's some yeah it's the whatever, whatever limited. And we circle the limited because if you do this, then it will be fully. And I go, no. And as soon as it sounds sales pitchy, he goes, well, let me finish.

And he goes, if you were to do that, I said no. And he said something again. And I and i said no that's three times i've said no three times glenn and he goes would you say no to something that was free and i go yes the answer is no i don't want it i want to go to breakfast he goes i've never had anyone say no to it. Would you say no if it was for free? I go, no, no. So, yeah, he looked a little puckered about that. I think there are things they have to do, according to Arthur and Glenn, that they have to say things to either fulfill some kind of checklist.

Oh, Arthur. Arthur. Arthur. Otherwise, otherwise i gotta make sure i show you all this i gotta make sure i show you all this and it seemed like it was more than just him being thorough well he got and that's when he was at his most gill the simpson salesman and uh he said uh and do this and you get that and i'll i'll take you i'm gonna put gas in it and we're gonna do gonna wash it we'll get it and uh this is get that. And I'll take it. I'm going to put gas in it. And we're going to wash it. We'll get it. And this is something that's kind of important. And he pulls out. You're going to get one of these.

And it's the survey. Every time I bought a new car, they have. The company's going to get you. Please, if there's anything that I haven't done, if I've been satisfactory, like this must be some fucking sort of democles. Why am I using fucking big references? I don't even know what it means. Because you started the word of the day. Oh, yeah.

Word of the day. We'll get to that. It's got to be a huge deal because every time I bought a car, the salesman just hammered it. When you get this survey, just tell me now if there's anything. Was your experience good? And I go, Arthur, you're good. Don't worry. Because it's a, I go, I know, I understand.

You're all fives. I'm giving you all fives straight down the board. He goes, no, it goes up to 10. And it was serious panic. And I'm like, then it's 10s. Relax. I've never gotten to five. If I get all fives, I've been looking for a job.

Gil can't do that again you can't get another job he did that it's very funny so we're almost done we did get through the finance guy in the meantime uh i've got on to rocky pearson's facebook so now i know what he looks like i i seen him he's dancing with his wife at a function. I think her name's Liz. I'm not sure. You pulled enough information from background and what's happening. There's one of him in a hammock in his pool.

He's like, my paradise in my own backyard or something. So that was going to be my bullshit was that I worked on his pool. If he showed up in front of you. How do you know Rocky? And that's what Arthur, he's the first to ask. How do you know Rocky? And I said, well, I'll just tell you this. It wasn't through cars.

It wasn't selling cars. So everything. Oh, okay. Everything everything. Oh, okay. Everything was like that, though. Yeah. So I just left it with Glenn. Well, how do you know him? I go, was it back in his partying days or something?

I go, I wouldn't talk about those days. There were two times when you were pushing it where like you brought up something to just fuck around that I had to leave the room at one point. I, okay, this is my bullshit. I worked on his pool before I had to go on another job like for a minute. So that's how I met him.

So I had nothing to do with cars, but like he, if there's some guy that was working around his house, like I worked for the guy who built his pool. I had a fucking Brett Erickson gig. That's what I thought. OK. I was Brett Erickson in my head.

I fucking helped build that pool. I did some of the masonry on the stonework in the back. And then we go into then we go into the service area and he goes, and this is where you come in. You know, anytime you need a oil change, you're going to be coming back. I'm going to introduce you. And this is where you come in. You know, anytime you need an oil change. In three months, you're going to be coming back. I'm going to introduce you to. And this is Justin. And Justin goes, holy fuck, you're Doug Stanhope. And I went, yeah.

And Arthur has no idea who or what I am. He looks shocked. And he goes, what's all this about, Doug Stanhope? He goes, I'm a huge fan. Nice to meet you. I'm standing in my fucking pajamas and bathroom. Cover blown. Yeah.

And can I get a picture with you yeah yeah and he's like what what do you do if you don't mind my ass arthur's i'm a stand-up comic he goes oh god i you know what maybe that's my next calling is to write for you because i have some stuff in my head you're laughing as me and justin are making eye contact going oh fuck you're you're laughing but i have a lot of stuff in my head like women with their purses and their arms hang down to here he just starts riffing all these premises and she'll have three packs of smokes so she has one crushed in the bottom one in the middle one at the top i i have this stuff that goes through my head it It's true, though. It's true. We're fucking dying.

But then I'm going, all right, well, now my I built your pool fucking. Yeah, that's gone. That's out the window. So then I go, all right, maybe my buddy was the guy who built his pool. But either way, we're out the door. So I go in. We do all the initialing, the paperwork glenn is there trying to you know and i bring up rocky one more time because now i uh i go does he come around here

a lot because i didn't know when i saw gm is he the gm of jim click auto the group because they have 13 different dealerships that's what i thought he was oh no it turns out he's just the gm of mazda so oh yeah he's fucking across the street in a meeting good thing we're getting the fuck out of here we go out we're waiting for the car we're waiting for arthur he's just gassing it up i'm gonna bring it around just stand right there boys no we finished with all paperwork yeah to where we are the car gets there we're gone and clean right and then fucking did it did you do gentlemen it's rocky pearson and i turn around i go rocky he goes how you doing i said it's good to see you. He goes, everything. They treat you all right. I go, yes, they did.

And he starts telling some spinning a yarn about a thing. Car service. You guys started talking about airports for somebody. Oh, because you travel and you're in town. I don't know. We just got into a fucking riff. Like we're old friends and he's telling me about this car service that came way too early. And he thought I was waving at him, but I was just shampooing my hair.

And I go, that's hilarious. And he says, well, it's great to see you, and if you need anything, I go, Arthur was fantastic, man. He's a good guy. Alex came out. You know, everyone has been fantastic. Everyone. Yeah.

And I'm doing candid shots. Yeah. And they look exactly like you guys are like old friends and I to this minute have no idea who is bullshitting who because at some point he was so friendly with me

and it's after I've already been fucking outed as a stand up comic that maybe he thinks he does know me or maybe he knows I was full of shit and is making me think there's a sale. Like I'm like, maybe I do know you.

You, he looks like a lot of different guys. He looks familiar to me. You're making me think that I do know you and you're bullshit. Are you re bullshitting me? Who's on top here? I think we both just scammed our fucking way out of this either way i think i get a goddamn good deal on a mazda and that was a great place under two hours and 30 minutes

barely but everyone along the way was great even rocky when he came out if he was bullshitting you he's good at it you started it you don't get to be gm by. And he was so great. Like the way that you couldn't tell that you guys really didn't know each other. And, but there was no, there was no tipping it. Neither of you. And he got a sale out of it. You got a great car. Yeah.

He won't know until I put a Yelp review. Hang on. Let's take a quick break. And. Hello, this is Chewbacca, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Some advertisements. Hey, you know, the human body was not designed to take a shit like we take a shit.

You know, with your legs all parallel in that perfect spot where your lap makes a perfect rest for a Newsweek magazine. Your fucking knees are supposed to be up. So shit comes out of you like old Chinese railroad worker. They shit proper like they didn't get all diverticulitis and stuffed up and clogged up with shit like we do, where they're exploding from shit not coming out of them proper like. That's why it happens to almost every single person dies from exploding, from not having enough shit come out of their body, because your knees aren't up in the air like they should be.

What can you do about it? Not a fucking thing. Your knees are just stuck there because toilets are built like that. And if they had something, I guess you'd probably put phone books or something underneath your feet but they're not tested by the fda you probably slip and fucking hurt yourself so yeah just keep shitting while your knees flat down there stare at your newspaper and push as hard as he possibly can. That's your only hope. Okay, coming up, here's hot off the wire. Junior Stopka and Andy Andrist are working together at the Skyline Comedy Club in Appleton, Wisconsin.

You live in Norway? I don't give a fuck. Get on a plane and see what could possibly sink the club. A legendary club could probably put them under for good. Maybe he knows he's going out of business. Why would you put Andy Andrist and Junior Stopka on the same bill if you want to keep your business? If I go off the wagon, if my 30 days in the hole spills down to like 24, it's March 12, 13, 14 in Appleton.

Hey, Appleton 14 in Appleton. Hey, Appleton, spread that around. Get word out. Anyone in Wisconsin, anyone within driving distance, prepare to get really fucked up and watch things go south quickly. Two of the funniest guys in the world that should not be. You put one of them. They have to work with a handler. And you put them together.

This is fucking dumb and dumber of comedy. All right. That's that. And fuck. What else? Get on the mailing list. And just that. Just get on the fucking mailing list.

Eventually, Facebook and Twitter will go the way of my space. I'll have no way to get a hold of you unless I sign up for the new thing. Just sign up on the fucking mailing list eventually facebook and twitter will go the way of my space i'll have no way to get a hold of you unless i sign up for the new thing just sign up on the mailing list i won't send you dumb shit and i might come to your house and do a fucking private show just to be weird we talk about that a lot uh so that's that get on the mailing list if i maybe i just show up at your house tomorrow's gonna suck tomorrow's gonna Tomorrow's going to be 33. Do you know this, Tracy? Low of 33, high of 53, cloudy, shitty, windy. And that's every time I would just fucking bail out of here, except I've agreed to do this stupid podcast every day.

But I'm sure you could hook me up with something that's mobile that I'd never figure out how to use. So, yeah, it's going to stink. So I've been mapping out all the places I could go, and I thought, you know what? I should just go to some fan's house. Just leech some address out of you on some – or just say, yeah, hey, I need somewhere to go that's warmer than this.

But there's nowhere warmer than this. You have a sauna. Just go to the sauna and hang in the other house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay warm. I know you don't want answers, but. Anyway. Well, yeah, I'm just saying, get on the mailing list.

There you go. Yeah, do that. We've got to do more of that. We've got to do fucking shows at people's houses and weird shit. I know I'm melting down over the course of days. What's your drink today? Did you say it yet? I'm drinking.

I will be drinking. I have wine. I can still bail out of it, but I have that out and ready to pour. I think I'm going to go wine again. But I might go vodka grapefruit. I haven't had vodka yet, so maybe I'm going to go wine again. But I might go vodka grapefruit. I haven't had vodka yet. So maybe I'm going to leave that, drink this club soda until we're done, and then drink vodka and grapefruit.

In fact, I am because those grapefruit need to get drunk. Squeezed and drunk. All right, so that's my drink. We're sponsored by... I don't want to fucking know. We're not sponsored by Jim click automotive. Cause from what I've read on the Yelp reviews about other things, Jim click himself,

he looks like a fucking Mormon cult leader. And I heard he's like a big religious guy. So, you know, I, Hey, uh, Arthur and,

uh, especially Rocky Pearson at the, the Jim click Mazda, good top notch people. Uh, so go there, but, uh, burn a lot on the way out. I don't know.

Yeah, all right. They're nice people. That's a plug. But they're not sponsors. Henry Phillips. Fucking not the dog, not the comedian. Hang on. There's one other thing.

Mailing list. Andy and Junior and junior had another fucking thing where is it come on right erickson peldma podcast well let's make this quick we'll save that that for tomorrow. Yeah, we have an update of the Peltzma podcast. I thought we talked about that. Maybe we did. You talked about it, but then I went and listened to it. Yeah, all right. We'll talk about that.

Upcoming podcasts and Bisbee baseball or the lack thereof. And, hey, Mike and Judy, I should talk to you. I doubt you'd listen to this fucking podcast. I'll have to find your number. But I have a swell idea for a Bisbee baseball. Take the Bill Murray route and get our own team? How about two? All right, we'll talk about that.

And, yeah, fucking my cat. As we're trying to buy this stupid car, my phone rings, and it's the swedish lady from the veterinarian uh doug this is uh whatever her name is uh your uh your dog uh ichabod is uh is at the shelter it was picked up i can't do it swedish lady's accent i go what yes yeah the fucking animal control she says ichabod is in the fucking jail animal jail they found him wandering the streets so i called bingo and she's ah fuck i gotta get out of bed and she goes and she goes ichabod's here he's right here he's at van dyke and i go well go check on Henry Phillips,

because maybe they have their information switched up at the vet, and they got the wrong collars on, wrong tags. Yep, sure enough, fucking Henry Phillips somehow broke out of Alcatraz here, the leakiest Swiss cheese Alcatraz in the world. Somehow she found a way out through one of the many open doors that we uh anyway she was evidently lying in a street somewhere just laying across and wouldn't let traffic go by fucking asshole dog so trying to end it all yeah she's trying to throw herself under tires again you know did i tell you she supposedly did that once when Joby and I were tripping and walking around the neighborhood and let the dogs off leash with us?

And a car went by at night, and Joby said it went right over her and, like, thumped her noggin on the undercarriage. And she just kept walking like nothing happened. I don't remember seeing that. I'd remember graphically. He goes, I thought you saw that. graphically. He goes, I thought you saw that.

So, uh, yeah. So bingo had to go bail Henry Phillips out of dog jail for $10, but she, they didn't have change conveniently. So she had to just kick them the 20 and say, all right, donate the other 10 to the animals.

We didn't even get fucked like that. We're buying a car locally you try to bail your dog out of dog prison no they're gonna fuck you you should google search the gm of animal shelter and go oh do i pay you or should i go straight to uh jimmy two steps you know jimmy two steps i thought you would have gone swedish i i had nothing right there i didn't intend for that to have any funny in it bingo uh also diffused a uh glitter bomb you crafty fuck you thought you were crafty out there fan guy sent me a fucking cylindrical package thought you're gonna fucking get away with fucking glitter bombing me you cunt a homemade no it was actually i think it's it had a return address that was

printed like on a printer i think it i think it's some guy that was too fucking lazy but knew that you can go through this company and they will ship it for you okay uh so yeah it didn't work it was a fucking dud i hope you get your money back and i hope it's in fucking some kind of chinese currency and a check that takes you fucking three years to cash to get your fucking 12.95 back because that thing bingo opened it and if bingo can defuse your ball she's just like playing with it. She goes, someone sent us a packet of glitter. It's like a cap of the tube, the cylinder cap. Like a poster tube. Yeah, and it had glitter with like cling wrap around it.

Yeah. And then a spring that went after she had already taken it out and examined the top. The spring kind of wiggled its way forward. And that's a fucking good try. taking it out and examined the top. The spring kind of wiggled its way forward and... That's a fucking good try. I go, that was supposed to be a bomb.

Oh, I get it now. Yeah, bingo. Fucking saw through your roofs. The gal who we trick with the same bug night after night on tour. Yeah, so that failed miserably, but good try. Keep your cards and letters coming.

Or your gifts. Fucking... How funny would that be if someone actually sent, like ISIS sent a real unibomb or pipe bomb of glitter and bingo opened something that's supposed to blow your entire house flat.

And it just like the timer kind of wiggles off and falls. Someone sent me a clock that broke. Oh, honey, that's not a clock at all. These wires aren't even connected. So thank you

for all your stuff. Fucking seven days. I feel fantastic. I feel way better during the day than at night. And, uh, maybe one of these days we'll day podcast. Cause that's what I'm all full of. I want to talk to people. All right. There's fuck.

There was something else. Oh, Oh, word of the day. We're going to do word of the day. Uh, uh, word of the day. We're going to do word of the day. Tracy, Mrs. Chaley, old Mrs. Chaley, old lady, old bag Mrs. Chaley. English major or just English aficionado? I don't know. She's the word lady. Well, she doesn't have a mic. You don't ask someone who doesn't have

a mic questions and then yell, don't talk off mic. So you're trying to trap her. She's supposed to come up over here. Talk to her off mic. Well, no. I said, here, you're the word lady. And so I had her pick a word out of the Webster's thesaurus, words for intellectuals, the Roger's thesaurus of words for intellectuals.

As recommended by Smartfuck magazine. Three years running and you found a great word. And that word is you can talk into the bike, say the word because you say it really good. Farouche. Farouche. Farouche. And that means. Unsociable.y withdrawn fierce cranky unsociable withdrawn fierce fierce but yeah it's the first three that really that's why that uh when she faroosh of course you picture a guy with a fez and a big big one of those funny swords that comes Bo's way out.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And yeah, the shoes that curl up at the toe. With the tassel. Right. Aladdin. And you'd be completely wrong. King Farouche.

Don't you call me King Farouche. Well, you kind of are King Farouche. You're acting like a King Farouche. Farouk, but you kind of are King Farouk. You're acting like a King Farouk. So, yeah, Farouk, irritable, unsociable, cranky. Fierce. Dispeptic.

See, that's another word we learned in the descriptions of Farouk. Dispeptic is a synonym for Farouk. So you can tell your friend that you're being dyspeptic and then the next day going, Lonnie, you're still I still, there's a sense of Farouk about you still left over. Is that

a hangover from yesterday? And your dyspepsia? Why you you make me dyspeptic. It's you. I'm making you smarter. So that's your word of the day. Do you have a word that you want to suggest that we let our listeners in on?

Well, tweet me at Doug Stanhope, or you can Facebook me and I'll never fucking see it. Cause Facebook sucks. It's just there in case I need something. Or for you nitwits who don't know how to use Twitter or just email me or just just come over, just come over and sit with me and we'll go through. No, don't do that.

All right. That's the podcast. And I'll see you tomorrow. And today we're going to close this one on one of my favorite songs ever that I think I was the last to be in on. It's Mike O'Connell, the very funny Mike O'Connell with Dr. Ken. They're very funny and a really good fucking song. And that's the key to comedy songs.

They have to be good fucking songs. Ask Henry Phillips. He does. It's what's it going to be? Ask Henry Phillips. He does. It's what's it going to be? I ain't got all night now.

I'd buy you a drink, but I snuck mine in. So unless you want a shot of this generic gin, then I've been drinking in the corner since I don't know when. Then I won't be much use to you. But look, I think your ass looks delicious. I got to get my dick in your britches He will Your body gonna make me religious Hey

You know I wanna sex it with you But look, now I got a lot of bitches to plow So you can fuck with me later, but you should fuck with me now What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? Ha! I ain't got whole night now I see that guy you're with

and I know he's hot and I know he's rich but he's got nothing on me when it comes to fucking now if you even really care about that vagina of yours you wouldn't leave it in the hands of an amateur you put it on my dick

and you sit real good. You know, that's where you want to be. Look now, I got a lot of bitches to plow. So you can fuck me later, but you should fuck me now. What's it gonna be?

What's it gonna be? Ha! I ain't got all night now. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? Ha! I ain't got all night now. Listen.

I know an alley where we could fuck all night. And I promise not to come until the morning light. But you know I got about a billion bitches to plow. So you can fuck me later, but you should fuck me now. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? Ha! I ain't got all night now.

Oh, what's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? Million dollars strong. I ain't got all night now