The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 14 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: March 3, 2015

DAY 14A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Someone has Zombie Dick and Doug answers email questions.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 02, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-ZIP ZOO APPEARAL - http://www.zipzooapparel.com/ Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “No Children” by The Mountain Goats. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I just I just got off the phone with Floyd, who I've always wanted to have on the podcast here. He was the town drunk. We put out one video that's still on YouTube where he's in the background. I was promoting something. I don't know. We were drunk. And we never addressed that Floyd is in the video looking exactly like Charles Bukowski. That's what it was.

It was a Bukowski lookalike thing that you were doing. Yeah, I wanted to get him and my old friend Alfredo Trifaris, who looks just like Dr. Drew, to do a YouTube thing where it's Dr. Drew talking to Charles Bukowski in Celebrity Rehab. But I couldn't trust Floyd to act. But now he's all gummed up with shit cancer I don't know if they took his asshole out proper but he's on the bag

last time we saw him he was talking about how he's bleeding through his shirt where his stoma fell out or something and a customer had to point it out to him why the fuck he's even working Floyd I don't know if you listen to this podcast you might be the only Bisbee person that does

but yeah I'll fucking work for your fucking antique shop even working. Floyd, I don't know if you listen to this podcast. You might be the only Bisbee person that does. I'll fucking work at your fucking antique shop. If you're even thinking about working, I'm doing nothing. Oh my god. I gotta get him on. We'll find out how it ends. But he goes, I got zombie dick. And I go, what? What does that even

mean? You have zombie dick. Well, evidently some side effect of the chemo he's going through has made his fucking dick look like the walking dead he went into graphic descriptions and i oh jesus oh oh can't be texting that all over town yeah he's a fucking trooper as soon as he found out that he had ass cancer, he just stopped drinking. And continued to come over here. Yeah, immediately.

No, he didn't sit in a fucking trailer like a cunt for a month. I need to stay away from... No, he just quit. And he was just as happy. He was the happiest drunk in the world. He'd just come over here, go immediately to his glass. He knew where the vodka was. He knew where the ice was.

And his glass was always out here when everyone else is drinking out of plastic. Because he was a fucking pro. And he just quit. And was still just as goofy. He's still goofy with a shit bag hanging off his carcass. So, yeah. Hey, Floyd, get well soon. shit bag hanging off his carcass so uh so yeah hey Floyd uh get well soon and keep that zombie dick

stuff to yourself or save it for the podcast really I'd love to hear about it and all the fucking graphic uh pustules and weeping things oh my god we'll need a wastebasket but they got lots of phenobarbital patches and etc and, et cetera.

So they're keeping them lubed up. All right. What do we do today? Day 14 podcast. Back from the mountains. It was a quick in and out. It was nice, though. It was a fucking nice.

We weren't there, you know, 20 hours. There's 16 hours. It was fucking worth it climbed a mountain read half a book and uh and then got back home and it's shit weather it's my fucking like 30 something mile an hour winds that rock that trailer wind is my number one pet peeve on the fucking planet and uh and in trailer, just knocking it around, just low-hanging gray, just Massachusetts spring fucking awful weather, misty, depressing.

So if I've been wicked cranky at you on Twitter, you know what? That's kind of what you signed up for. That's when you say follow Doug Stanhope. It's implied consent. Yeah, I was a real cunt to one guy. I'll save that

for the questions because I guess some questions we'll go into after we eventually take a break and I'll pull shit up on my computer. Is it very similar to back when you used to get emails and you would spend all day replying to them? It's just quicker and you have to do it in 140 characters.

Twitter? Yeah. I don't get back to everybody, but if I you know, when... Well, I wasn't online really yesterday, so there's a bunch. Well, yeah, you get one and then you go, ah, fuck this guy.

Hey, you were asking on episode 12, you were asking for rants. I think here's a good, and he had some kind of half funny idea. But the point is, I was never asking for rants. I never once would say, hey, I need rants. Why would I ask you? And I'm this caustic in my head.

It was probably the episode where I'm talking about that guy saying, if you want to rant, you should rant about dudes with little dogs. Quit being a bitch. I wasn't asking for rants. That guy said I should rant about that. The point is I wrote back to you really cunty going,

I never asked for rants. I was talking to a guy and it was inappropriate to snap like that but when you when you listen to the some of the fucking how people mishear me we'll get to that i have i have some shit in a mishear you on a recording that they can go that they're listening to that they can go back to and it's like saying i hey i jokes. See, someone will just hear me say that part when they're just doing their job and they're half listening to the podcast. I heard you said you needed jokes,

so here's some I wrote. That fucking one guy, that's not even, that one guy that wrote, dude, I forget his name. You with the egg photo. First of all, if you have an egg photo on Twitter, you're not even a real person. I don't even count that as a real account. If you can't even put some dumb default photo.

But the guy who said you read it to me first because you were getting the Internet reception and you said, who is this guy? He said he wants to write for you. Material. Yeah. Give me any subject, man. I just let me try. I want to write for you. And he goes, said something to the effect of you can't get this very often. Are you like, are you like.

Like his offer to you is pretty, pretty super. Yeah. Like no, no one ever offers to write jokes for a comedian. That's not every third fucking email right after between. Can I be your flunky or your lackey or your stooge sorry position filled yeah roadie like we're comics we don't have so uh yeah so i i wrote back to him this is this is why you can't write for me if i if i needed you to write for me is because i i wrote back to him i go oh yeah uh any topic uh how about john wayne bobbitt i

need 10 to 12 solid minutes keep it clean and he wrote back oh okay listen i'll try my best and john wayne bobbitt no that the joke was first of all it was the most hackneyed premise of its time. Anyone could write a fucking joke about it. And it's a century old. I was just being facetious. And then you were evidently trying to write John Wayne Bobbitt jokes. But I appreciate your heart. Again, I'm being cunty. That's the guy.

Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to say his name. I don't want to. Yeah. Get a fucking photo matt just look for the egg uh so yeah i'm exceptionally cranky as of late and i have to just remember that most of you are fucking idiots and and i have to love you for the morons that you are. Jesus Christ.

Medicants? Oh, Jesus. Mendicants. Mendicants. Mendicant. Mendicants. Yes. According to the pronunciation key, it's more cunt than can't.

Cunt. Mendicant. I have a great word of the day for you today, but you're going to have to wait for that. Boom. That guy. I'll put that with that. Hey, what? Peldma podcast.

Never get back to us. I hope we didn't upset Peldma podcast. Was I a little too crude with him? That's good. I don't think so. Sent us, sent me $200 to listen to his thing, and then we goofed on him.

Maybe he thinks it'll cost him more money. I'll give you a follow-up, because I did cash your money order. Yeah. Peldma, if that's your real name. You know what? I didn't even check his podcast. Yeah, maybe he's goofing on us.

We don't even know it. Maybe somewhere out there, there's a podcast making fun of us for making fun of them. Are the people, are my listeners even monitoring the Peltzman situation? Come on. Jesus. Some guy did call that 1-800-HOWSMYDRIVING and put it on YouTube.

He just was leaving a message, evidently, but it was nice. It was pretty funny. We figured that would be the case. They'd leave messages. But that's just as good, right? Mm-hmm. Same as a win? Yep. I that's just as good, right? Mm-hmm. Same as a win? Yep.

I have this shirt. I don't wear T-shirts. Everyone who wants to send me a T-shirt, I really appreciate it, but I almost never wear T-shirts. I am, during my time down under, in my rehabilitation with my PJ pants. But there's only a couple T-shirts I have,

my favorites. But this guy, actually, he tweeted this, and I would have said, I say, don't waste your money because we know how much T-shirts cost. We sell the fucking things. And if you're not going to wear them. Yeah. Tell me as I'm not. I don't want to give you a T-shirt and you just fucking chuck it in the Goodwill like I do. Cost money.

But this is a cool logo. This is a God damn it. I don't have the fucking dude's name. What'd you do? It's Zoo Something. It's in there. When we go to make drinks after the break, remind me to get this guy's name.

It's Zoo Something T-shirts. But it's an old black cat, like an old cartoony black... Kind of looks Felix-y. Looks a little Felix-y. Without a hat or anything. And it says, you're gonna die.

And he's smoking a cigarette. Oh, okay. Yeah. Did you not see the cigarette? Fucking Evil E. Hey, guy who said, don't, hey, did you replenish your safety cigarettes? No, but when I was up in the mountains, Evil E, neighbor Dave's wife, Evil E, don't swear in the house of Evil E's here.

That's the only rule. Evilly, don't swear in the house of evilies here. That's the only rule. Evelyn came by the trailer, and she doesn't smoke, but I could get her to smoke. And the only time you could use the F word when Evelyn was around is if she had a lit cigarette, so I'd get her to smoke cigarettes. And so she tried to pay me back, and she came over to the trailer while we were gone with a pack of cigarettes and left a pack of marlboro 100s and a note oh saying i came by to temp you evil e

she forgot the t on temp yeah maybe she's gonna put in some part-time kelly girl hours i don't know but she was gonna temp me uh so yeah so So now I get a pack of Marlboro 100s that are sitting there. I don't want them. I'm going to give them to Chaley, but I'm not going to destroy them. I always know they're around. Shut the fuck up, Meatwig. I was just about to say so before I stab a pet and right then Meatwig's at the door fucking up my podcast. All right.

That's a Marlboro. I thought you were into the American spirits for the safety cigs, just for the mere fact that it would take longer to actually smoke the cigarette. Well, that's simply for quitting purposes. Everyone, not everyone, but most everyone, everyone that I know in the world ever that quit smoking starts by going to American Spirits. So you can cut down it feels like, you know, I only had five cigarettes today. Well, you can take American Spirit

and smoke three or four times. You go out and have what would kill a fucking Marlboro Light is a third of an American Spirit. And then you clinch it and I'm going to just smoke a few more drags. So yeah, that's why I was doing that. Kind of like cheating.

I don't agree with the safety cigarettes, but I'm not a smoker or a non-smoker. And I don't have to, but I did, in a moment of clarity, figure that maybe my boss one day would need an American spirit. And I stashed one away somewhere. Oh, yeah? So if you do, it would probably be better if you did the American spirit. Not that I want you to. No, I'm good. I'm good. But I would rather you get rid of the entire pack of Marlboros,

and so you can fixate not on a pack of cigarettes. You know what I'll do? You have to, one. Because Evelyn probably thinks she's being cute and sweet, and I'm going to give her back the pack and say, listen, if I have to come over here someday and have a cigarette with you, then she'll think that's nice.

All right. And that way I can drop off that suit I need tailored. Yes. So far, I've not heard anything back from any local Bisbee folks. So I don't think Bisbee people listen to this, or they'd be, did you hear Doug Stanoff was asking for you, Gino, on this podcast? You didn people listen to this or they'd be did you hear doug stanhope was asking for you gino on this podcast he didn't listen to it oh yeah he's he's really mad that

you haven't painted the rocks that's how it'll go that's how fucking chinese telephone works it's not only do people just talk but they make it negative where people go yeah i heard you were he was pissed yeah yeah, someone said you were like Railing on me on the podcast No, I was just seeing if it would get back to you It was simply a test It was yelling echo Into a chasm

To see if I could hear the reply We haven't talked about it But speaking of Gino Tonight is the No, it's tomorrow night, Tuesday night This will air tomorrow We haven't talked about it, but speaking of Gino, tonight is the... No, it's tomorrow night. Tuesday night. This will air tomorrow. Oh, yeah, tonight.

So tonight is the city council meeting? Don't fucking pander to these assholes who listen to this podcast. Tonight is tonight. It's tomorrow for you because you don't care. This doesn't involve you, podcast people. Why don't you go to the bathroom right now so Jaylee and I can talk? Could you do that can we have one fucking minute of privacy on a goddamn podcast without you guys listening

and going tonight is tomorrow is last night shut up i fucking i bought this fucking new car and i was very happy oh that's that i wouldn't see anyone with a car like mine because there is no Mazda dealership anywhere near here. You have to go all the way to Tucson. So no one's going to have a fucking weird new Mazda 3 in my color as I'm driving to meet these guys at Gus the Greeks. Wouldn't it be great to get Gus the Greek on this podcast? He's the Bisbee version of the Soup Nazi

and he runs a pizza place and he's very fucking angry and yells at people, and I'd love to get him on. I just don't know how you would entice him. There's nothing he wants. My favorite Gus story is when we went in to have lunch, or dinner. They open at five, right? And we were there, like, right when they opened,

so it's like getting ready to go, and he comes, he's, I guess, having to take the order at the table. And as he's still about 10 feet away, he's got the pad in his hand and he's ready to write. And he doesn't say, hello, welcome. He's, tell me, tell me. He repeated like three times to just start barking the order at him. And it was so soup Nazi. Yes.

He's great. So, yeah, I'm driving up there to meet the Chalys. And at the one light in town, I see the fucking exact same car as mine go by. I'm like, fuck. I consciously thought I'm never going to see the same car. So every other car I have, one is exactly what the cops drive.

That's worked out well. Unless you want to get somewhere in a hurry and then everyone thinks you're a cop Every other car I have, one is exactly what the cops drive. That's worked out well. Unless you want to get somewhere in a hurry, and then everyone thinks you're a cop in their fucking rearview mirror. And you're like, Jesus, just fucking move. Every car I've had, you look at, oh, that's my car. There's our car, honey. And the person driving it is always a dumpy housewife or post-housewife,

a hunchback librarian, the rolls of belly fat. Yeah, that's the people who drive my car. And I saw this fucking car, and I go, it doesn't matter. They don't live here. I know that they're fucking just going to keep going by. And I caught up to them and their fucking license plate. B-I-Z-B-E. Bisbee, you fucking asshole.

Exact same car. I didn't see who was driving it. Tinted windows. Probably a fucking 50-year-old housewife. I saw her get out because she was at the office. Was it an old lady? God damn it. I mean, she had dark hair, but I'm pretty sure it was dyed. I wonder if it's the lady that runs it.

Could be. She'd be the fucking head. No, no. She'd still be working. Not at that hour. Yeah. They're open until 5. All right.

Well, let's not bicker over this. All right. I guess we're going to break break early and we're gonna make this podcast quick and uh uh i gotta get into this stupid laptop and find where i folded all you people that made me crazy sorry okay so i gotta i i gotta find this shit in my folders here. Things I set aside. And we got to make more drinks. Chaley is making Tom Collins tonight.

How do you make that Tom Collins so wonderfully, Greg Chaley? At Greg Chaley Twitter. This is a combination of an online recipe and your pint glass recipe that you have inside the house there. Right. So it's two ounces of gin, one ounce of lemon or lime, and now I know you want lemon and lime. Why would

you do anything but? I don't know. Why? Because it said lemon or. So then and then also a teaspoon of sugar. I used powdered sugar and club soda. So that's it. All right. Well, it's lovely.

And we're going to have another one. And here's some commercials. Either ones we made up while we were away or ones that are pre-recorded. And then there's some other shit and other fun stuff that Chaley puts in. Hi, this is Doug Stanhope, actor, writer, enthusiast, and part-time broadcaster, as seen on YouTube and all the other social networks. Do you like apparel? Well, what if I told you you could get apparel right there on the Internet?

I get all my apparel from Zip Zoo Apparel. If you ever want a t-shirt that has a kind of Felix the Cat head on it and it says you're gonna die in a really kooky font and it's on a yellow t-shirt none of that black shit, go to Zip Zoo Apparel.

You can get them on Twitter at Zip Zoo Apparel. Apparel all year long. ZipZooApparel.com in Cincinnati. Woo! Hi, this is Perez Hilton, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I, uh, this is kind of funny. I tweeted randomly.

We're having dinner in Silver Springs yesterday after we'd hiked up that mountain in Pinos Altos. I say mountain. It's a fucking giant hill. Whatever. It was big for me. I tweeted a picture of Chaley, and I said, Hitler had his wolf slayer, and I have my Pinos Alt altos and chaley is my himmler at 7500 feet that's just a picture of chaley wheezing coming up the mountain and uh and someone tweeted back

i'm starting to think it was your ava braun and that was funny i laughed at that thank you very much you made me smile and then two other fucking cocksuckers, one specifically pointed out that, oh, you don't mean Wolf Slayer. You mean Eagle's Nest, which they both fucking Hitler compounds. Wolf Slayer was the Eastern Front. It wasn't the one that was a high elevation.

Okay. But the one fucking cunt wrote, epic tweet fail. was epic oh i confused two of fucking hitler's random bunkers which you had to fucking google search to even figure out you're a fucking epic failure you google search my tweets to go i think that might check the factual accuracy i don't even know what he means by Hitler. Oh, Hitler was like elite. Hang on, 7,500 feet.

Epic fail. I would have fucking, I would have stoved your head in. I would have fucking curbed you in that moment. That one moment of really epic. I could have, I had the dispassion, the lack of caring about human suffering on any level there, I could have curbed you American history X style.

And then like within minutes, I'd have gone, fuck, I overreacted. That was complete. But for those few minutes, I would have felt a complete satisfaction. I feel satisfied just saying it into a microphone. That's what I think what a lot of this is about.

Let's get to your questions. Epic fucking tweet fail. How about write something funny? Like I was starting to think he was your Ava Braun. Oh, you don't know how to fucking Google that? Google punchline to this. Hey, this is the tweet. And then put in punchline to Google it.

It doesn't give me a punchline. You know, just this is the tweet, and then put in punchline. Google it. It doesn't give me a punchline. Just try to find where you're wrong. You know what? Maybe I was fucking just talking about the fact that Pinos Altos is my eastern front, because that's as far east as I go to hang out is Silver City, New Mexico, and Pinos Altos. So maybe that's what I meant the whole time. And 7,500 feet had nothing to do with it. And Eagle's Nest was just shot in the dark.

You fucking failed, maybe. That's not at all true. But I could have twisted it like that. All right. Here's some... Keep those tweets and emails coming. Please do. Yeah, if it's going to be...

If you get something lengthy, just email me. If you can't remember Doug at Doug Stanhope, just go to my site and go to the contact page. It's that easy. I'm not saying I'll definitely get back to you, but I did folder a few today. Here's a couple examples of how people hear stuff that if I said it, oh man,

then sobriety is not working for me because I'm blacking some of this shit out. Anyone with this? That if I said it, oh man, then sobriety is not working for me. Because I'm blacking some of this shit out. Anyone with this? This is from Patrick. Patrick H. Patrick says, dear Doug, I noticed you've been having trouble waking up. You can take a eugeroic for that, they're a class of drug and chemicals of

wakefulness, blah, blah, blah, if you wanted to avoid a doctor, you can buy this, blah, blah, without a prescription, the point is this, and, and please, I could be wrong, when have I ever, in my adult life of the last decade anyway ever once said, I've had trouble waking up. I don't even really drink coffee. And the only time I do is now because Bailey's and coffee doesn't count as a regular cocktail

and it's still fucking decaf. I don't, I never have, when do I have a problem waking up, Patrick? I never fucking said I have a problem waking up. What are you people hearing? I love to sleep. I fucking, sleep is the most beautiful thing in the world. Xanax and sleeping pills are the only drug I've ever done that I could see getting addicted to.

Maybe I say I'm tired. I'm not awake right now. But that doesn't mean I want to. Maybe you're confusing when I say, ah, fuck. I don't know. I'm out of it. I'm loopy today. That doesn't mean I don't want to be loopy. I want to be fucking on my back in bed

reading really dumb things. Ear plugs, eye mask, curling up, fucking big foofy comforter. Thank you, Patrick. I appreciate your email, but I've never... Hey, it works with jet lag too. Ask anyone who's ever seen my first gig on an international tour where I'm jet lagged.

Did I look like I wanted to wake up? No, I wanted to burn you out of your money. You're a focus group. You're the jet lag show. Do I charge less? No, because there's only a few of them. wanted to burn you out of your money you're a focus group you're the jet lag show do i charge less no because there's only a few of them they're they're rare jewels my jet lag shows do you think i'm going to take the this this patrick h's uh avoided doctor by these drugs online the ones you can't even pronounce the family the genus of you you ugeroic it's got the fucking you can't get

eugenics without ugeroic all right next question click this is uh from uh says a drug addiction therapist and uh this came in today mr uh not hey Hope. I'm a drug alcohol gambling therapist here in England. Been doing it around 10 years. I've worked in prisons, hospitals, rehabs. Not a 12-step guy. That approach isn't that popular here. Did you want to ask anything in particular about the kind of shit my profession does,

or were you just goofing about on the podcast? Graham, I appreciate the email i don't remember ever alluding to the fact that i wanted to ask any fucking question whatsoever i'm lewis blacking right now i'm shaking my index fingers and wagging my note. I do remember saying that I should get into the drug therapist, drug addiction specialist racket. And I do remember saying, I got to fucking reach out to Dr. Drew and tell him, hey, we're fucking halfway through this trailer thing. You want to jump on board?

And that I was going to tour places to tell them how the tin can rehab can work for their facilities and spread the message. I don't remember saying I had any questions. Although I think you would be probably a fascinating guest were I to be over on your side of the pond. And we're in the same room together and we happen to be drinking and there were microphones. I think you probably have great stories. It's just, these are the things that fuck with you when you've been sober. You have not been drunk.

By sober, I mean, have we talked about the fucking clinical definition of sober? That's where I say I'm sober. I'm not smoking. I'm sober. And what constitutes sober? If I have cough medicine, say I'm sober. I'm not smoking. I'm sober. And what constitutes sober? If I have cough medicine, am I not sober?

I'm sober. If I have a piece of rum cake. Generally, people define it by the legality to drive. So if you read, well, he was drunk when he stabbed her. He says when they arrested him, he had a blood alcohol of almost twice the legal limit. But that's to drive. What is sober if you're not driving? If I'm just a guy in shoes, just a dude peddling around on my pads,

on my fucking new Skechers, bright orange Skechers, what's drunk? Well, legally, technically for driving. I'm not fucking driving. So tell me how am I drunk? Right now I'm on a second beautiful Tom Collins. I had Chaley mix up a lime and a cutie. Do you know what a cutie is? It's what me and my Ava Braun drink

when we're fucking yelling at people in the microphones and then saying, oh, if you want to send a donation. This is how dominatrixes work. Yeah. Hey, sniff my panties. Yeah. Eat my shit. Send me a donation.

Do you have another card? This one didn't go through. I'll try and run it again. Shut up. Shut your fucking hole. shut up shut your fucking hole uh and he said he really enjoys uh the podcast and uh thanks for turning him on to Saul Williams listed demands we'll get to the music in a minute let me say this to both uh Patrick H and Graham the drug uh alcohol gambling therapist that's a weird like putting gambling in that

same and I'm sure it affects the same receptors and serotonin and whatever all that pleasure pleasure receptors yeah yeah yeah but fucking gambling is that's a weird one I don't it's like a fun warden I know I know the addiction i mean i i've you know gone through where you okay burned out the

atms and now you're gonna fucking hit that visa and fucking yeah i i can see where yeah that's you could lose everything in that jag and that anger and getting swept up in that but i've never everything in that jag and that anger and getting swept up in that but i've never stepped away from that for more you know you get away from that for 15 minutes you're like oh fuck all right let's have some breakfast yeah you're done like all right that whole it's in the moment it's a fist fight kind of thing you're just gonna keep swinging and keep swinging then you step away like all right that's fucking all right that's dumb let's let's get out of here just leave this town for you hear the sirens you go fuck it let's beat it none of us will go to jail yeah i can't imagine having to go see a guy where i'm just sitting around my fucking trailer going god damn it i need to put 30 bucks on something god shit God, shit. It's another one with the age thing where you go,

all right, you have to be 18 or 21 to gamble. That would be the one that they should be. You can't gamble after a certain. If you're 16, what are you going to lose? Your fucking milk money. Yeah, get it out of the way. Because as soon as you're going to have shit, you're going to lose? You fucking milk money. Yeah. Get it out of the way. Because as soon as you're going to have shit, you're going to lose. What's the problem with an eight-year-old gambling?

Back then, just your ability to generate cash. I mean, today you can get credit cards at any age, I guess. But back then, I mean, a 16-year-old, what would it be? Paper route money? Yeah, a fucking 10-year-old. Yes, there's no problem with five-year-old, what would it be? Paper route money? Yeah, a fucking 10-year-old. There's no problem with five-year-olds gambling. You go out there and play gin rummy or whatever you learned from grandma and bet lumps of fucking sand because that's all you have.

What, are you going to lose your pants? You come home with no pants? Sounds like I'm working out a bit, and now I'm starting to. Yeah, all right. Work on that gambling thing when you need filler for overseas. Patrick H. and Graham. Hey, aside from helping me out with the drug and alcohol counseling and these drugs that are going to get me awake because I can't seem to wake up.

How about fucking helpyd with a zombie dick can you do that no i don't need your medications or your professional opinions i need uh do you have any medications for zombie dick because my friend floyd who's dying of shit cancer has a penis it's all fucking broken out like war of the worlds and he said he's been to five doctors that all tell him a different thing that it could be, but no one knows. And meanwhile, he's fucking 60 something years old staring at his fucking dick weeping boils and

pustules and no one knows what to do except give him another phenobarbital patch. He said he's on chemo, right? Is that part of it? Just had to kill the chemo because of his fucking dick thing. It's getting worse and worse Oh my god, it's so bad

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's bad Yeah, it's bad I hope he doesn't mind me bringing it up on the podcast That's the thing, the older you get The more people you are going to know That are going through shit like this This is good And down here there there's no the fucking

there's no good doctors down here. It's fucking atrocious. What mother fucking went through, I guess it's her own fault to some extent. But I mean, on the low end, I'm sure there are good doctors here, but the low end of them is really

fucking bottom of the barrel. They'd get kicked out of fucking Ebola camps. Well, next stop is Mexico. Mexico has good doctors. That's what I'm saying. It's like the American doctors. The fucking dentist gets so mad

when you go, you know what? I can just go to Mexico. Oh, no, but they'll give you drugs that are not and you can get infected. No, no, no, they're way better than you. The fucking dentist here. Wait till that, yeah, if that guy, he's, anyway, all right, I'm getting off topic. What a fucking dick.

He broke off a fucking file in Gretchen's tooth, like a drill bit. After fucking her teeth up, like just to fill a wisdom tooth some shit a molar and he ended up breaking the tooth and then breaking the tooth next to it and then doing a root canal to fix the thing and then fucking that up and then leaving a drill bit inside like five different operations and then he's like you have to see a specialist not only fucking her like charging her repeatedly yeah and then like there's a drill

bits left behind in there and i i'm not a specialist you're gonna have to go what i've done so much damage that you now have to see a better doctor than me that's gonna cost you way more money that i and i've charged you for every procedure not just the one like that should have been nothing and i charge you nothing you should be paying her so yeah hopefully she's worked a deal with him out uh otherwise we might have to fucking cry jihad on that cocksucker that would be great if he's the one driving the fucking bisbee car exactly like mine all right that would be a fun maybe that's what it is. He bought a new car or a new boat. Thank you, Douglas, about telling me how to weigh myself. That was nice. Didn't know how to do that.

I'm sorry. I've been working. Oh, it's this fucking guy. He didn't. He just put IA for a name. But yeah, I set up a PayPal account so I can give you a donation through PayPal every now and then. I don't have the nerves to fill in my credit card details every time I feel foolish enough to show. The guy just set up a PayPal account simply to send donations to Chaley, and that's fucking great because that keeps the podcast going. Thank you. Question, a legitimate question.

This guy says, why is, you said, word of mouth the DVD is no longer available, but you never said why, so why is it you said, word of mouth, the DVD is no longer available, but you never said why, so why is it not available on DVD anymore, because the guy that I shot it with, we had some kind of fucking handshake agreement, and then I kind of stopped selling it immediately, there was too much dated material on it,

so I didn't, and then he continued to sell it, on a 50-50 split, and I never saw a fucking nickel of it, so I don't know what goes on with that. I think lawyers will be involved at some point, which I don't want that either. I'd rather it just go away or just go out free.

So, yeah. Are you allowed to do that? I don't know. So, yeah, the question is, my fucking lawyer would probably probably say you shouldn't have never answered this question so the uh i'll just leave that alone and you also said hey uh you uh rave about brian hennigan and his stories one is uh brian hennigan gonna tell more stories on your podcast well probably chaley leaves on the 15th and i that's like three days before i get

out of the fucking trailer. So Hennigan's going to come take his place as my caretaker. And yeah, he'll have to be on the podcast. He'll be taking Chaley's place because I can't talk to myself like Bill Burr does because I'm not that good. So yeah, Brian Hennigan starting March 16th or around there. As quick as Chaley can get them up or as quick as Brian Hennigan can get them recorded and get them to Chaley to get them put up. I'm sure if I would just take a minute to learn how to upload this fucking

thing, then, uh, yeah, I could do these. I'd be, I'd be doing five podcasts a day for a solid regret. There'd be one, then there'd be one going i don't know how to pull it down he only told me how to put it up so that last podcast all right i'm really sorry about saying that about that guy but he's a fucking cocksucker i'm not even wrong and then i'd just be like yeah so yeah hennigan that was thank you for your question I don't know that this is going to be a regular thing with the questions, but for, yeah, for the 30 days in the hole, hashtag Tin Can Rehab, I'll take your questions here and again if I have nothing else to talk about.

You've gone through all your emails too, right? I'm going to get, I'm going to, let me. In the beginning of this. At the beginning, yeah. Now I'm backed up again. Oh, geez. Yeah, but not bad. I was fucking backed up again. Oh, geez. But not bad. I was fucking backed up thousands, so now I'm fucking good.

I'm really good. What are you doing? I'm trying to get to the question. You know, when you have a question, frame it. Put it in the subject line. Question, would that help? Well, this guy has like two paragraphs setting up how annoyed I must be at him asking a question. No, I'm annoyed you didn't get to a fucking question.

You can't find the question. I'm just writing and I'm an avid listener and an annoyance. Yes. And you said ask questions. And because I know you'll read it so long as you keep Jesus. So I'm going to get to the question mark and move backwards. How's that? you'll read it so long as you keep Jesus. So, uh, I'm going to get to the question mark and move backwards.

How's that? Skim, skim the entire paragraph or paragraphs. Like, don't you ever, Oh, he's asking. Okay.

This is to sum it up. He's asking me why I make myself so available to, uh, my audience, which I'm not really that available to my audience. I give up my fucking address because no one's going to ever come by here. And if they do, there's a fucking angry dog

and a fucking big gate and a fence all around the thing. It's all locked in. So only if I feel like being annoyed, just like this. He said, doesn't it fuck shit up for you? Like, don't you ever want to have a day where some eager little fuck of a fanboy faggot like me writes you an email with questions just because I can? If I want to have a day without answering your questions, what was your name? Cody, Cody Hucker. Cody Hucker.

I like that. It's cute. Cute little faggot fanboy like you. Yeah, if I want to have a day without being annoyed by questions, I don't check my email because I don't really need to. So, yeah, it's. Seems like you're in control. Yeah, it's not like, oh, shit, most of my business is in my Hotmail account.

And I won't know how to maneuver. You have to go in order. Can't pick and choose. Sensibilities won't let you skip one. All right. I know you keep moving there. I have reading glasses and a microphone. Do you want to sit down?

Hang on. Hang on. We have another question. This question also from Cody Hucker. Next question. It's not a question. Fucking fuck, goddammit, shit. I wish you wouldn't have retired when you did.

Okay, if it's not a question, I'm just looking for question marks. Oh, my question, this is after, that's at least, what, that's seven or nine lines of sentences between my next question that's not a question. And then eventually my question is, if you ever did a random date again, like you said,

would you maybe consider coming to Cincinnati again? Absolutely. I fucking love Cincinnati. And that's why I usually kick off the year in cincinnati and uh shake off the cobwebs and make you suck it up just like i was talking about earlier with the international jet lag flight maybe guy can get i'll have him deliver those fucking eugenics drugs right to go bananas in cincinnati so i'll be wide awake to hear myself suck. All right.

Any more questions? Next question from Cody Hucker is the next question. Where can I buy the baiting book? Is that shit still available? I can't find it anywhere. I am not even going to Google Doug Stanhope, best of baiting, anything like that. Cause I guarantee

you it's fucking right there and you didn't Google it or you did Google it and you just want to have a million fucking questions. So stop it. If you can't find that book, you don't deserve to read it because you probably can't read. Next question from Cody Hucker. Oh, Cody again. Yeah. Cody Hucker, a longtime listener, first time emailer. Where are the videos from back in the day of you and Becker doing crazy shit that you talked about a long time ago on the podcast? Can Greg, I like, I like, all right, this is good. He calls you, can Greg ban put those on YouTube? That's funny. He calls you Greg ban. All right. I'm not going to explain that to people if you don't get it. Why is all of a sudden a spat of people calling me Greg?

Why is that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't listen to this podcast. I'm not a fan. I listen to the Bill Burr podcast. Very good. It's a very good podcast.

Bill Burr never refers to me as Greg either. It's weird. So he said I mentioned it. It probably the the fake man show thing we filmed or it's just the shit we filmed on the road i don't uh cody thanks for your question uh i have no idea where that shit is and it's way down my list of priorities i almost i wouldn't even know it was on the list till you brought it up But yeah That's not even I have no idea You think he's talking about the mushrooms?

No, no He said something I mentioned on the podcast About 30 podcasts ago So we've talked about The shit we filmed When we did the triple gig 10 years later in 2001 And also the shit we did in Alaska

Those are both filmed Those are, yeah don't don't don't sit up at night why don't you uh just worry about writing me more questions oh you have another question next question did you inform doug benson that you took 200 right out of his pocket blah blah blah get it the pelva podcast that. That's funny. Next question from Cody Hucker. Didn't you keep it from going into Doug Benson's pocket? This fucking goes on. How have you been drunk for as many decades

as you brag about being a drunk and have never tried a whiskey sour? How does something that delicious and simple fly under your pie-eyed radar for so many years? Because, Cody, at my age, you don't drink something because it's delicious you're fucking 21 years old you're right in this and uh yeah you're you're you're you have to find something to make whiskey go down your head without up chucking in your mouth they go bananas

comedy club in front of your 10 friends that you said you'd bring out. So yeah, at this point, I'm drinking a delicious drink right now because I'm only having two a night. Other than that, I'll just fucking pour whatever into my head. It doesn't matter. I don't go making a bartender annoyed. That's what you have to learn, Cody. Buy something that's fucking quick because if you're going to sit around bars and that's what you're going to do, because I read the other shit about you just sit there in your fucking basement. Is this the same guy? I don't know. But yeah, don't annoy bartenders.

Don't order fucking whiskey sours or Tom Collins or Singapore slings. Blended drinks. Right. You fucking get a shot in a beer and fuck off and over tip. And then maybe that bartender at the end of the night will give you a fucking hand job for helping her take out trash. All right. That answers that, I think.

Is that enough? No, no, it's not for fucking Cody Hucker. Hey, whatever the dude's name is, Matt, I think is dude with the egg picture on Twitter. Here, can you write, if you listen to this podcast and you want to write me some material, could you write me a limerick that involves Cody Hucker? If you can't write me a lyric, a limerick about Cody Hucker, I bet he'd fuck this up. Yeah, Matt.

Yeah, he knows who I'm talking about. Matt Selleck. Eggman who wants to write. He can't figure out the. Yeah. All right. Cody Hucker limericks, please. I hope that fits in a tweet.

All right. Your last question. I'm kidding. Next question. Why are you still reading this? You're awesome. If you still are. I'm kidding. Next question. Why are you still reading this? You're awesome if you still are. I'm awesome anyway. God damn it.

I just reread. Don't. You just reread your email and you don't want to send it. Well, you should. You should learn how to trust that inner voice. Yeah. Yeah. Let that instinct guide you.

All right. There's no question mark in that whole fucking thing. Oh, why are you still reading this? You know why? Because I'm desperate, Cody. I'm desperate and you've filled a need. So as angry and upset as I might get, don't worry. You made me happy because I like to be miserable.

I'm a miserablest. I never knew that word. And someone described me as a miserablest in the UK press. And I looked it up and it was someone who can only enjoy themselves by being miserable. And I go, wow, I learned a new word. And I decided to pass that on to you during my my rehab with the word of the day and i absolutely love this word the word is pauciliquent pauciliquent country of origin i don't know can you use it in a sentence. I'd rather not. I want to be a fucking spelling bee judge. Pausiliquent. P-A-U-C-I-L-O-Q-U-E-N-T. Pausiliquent. It's using few words, concise in speech. Get that, Cody Hucker? Pausiliquent, using few words, concise in speech, pausiliquent. And I'd say be pausiliquent in your Cody Hucker limericks,

but I guess there's so many words you have to use. That's the word of the day, and we're going to go. I'm going to go to a song right now to close out you know what i've been getting a lot of good feedback on the fucking closing songs and uh the only one that people have an issue with is the tim curry not a lot of takers on the tim curry paradise garage i fucking love tim curry love Love that album. Yes, I do. That's a horrible recording because it was off of... I don't know that that's... I don't know that that's their beef with it.

But that was one I pulled off of YouTube. Alright, this is a song I assume probably wrong. This is one that I probably wouldn't have used because I assume everyone knows it, but I don't think that everyone does

know this song. And if you don't know this song, please fucking tweet me if I actually turned you on to this song. I'm guessing more people know it than I want, but if you don't know this, you have to know this song. This is No Children by the Mountain Goats.

I hope that our few remaining friends Give up on trying to save us I hope we come up with a failsafe plot To piss off the dumb few that forgave us I hope the fences we mended Fall down beneath their own weight And I hope we hang on past the last exit I hope it's already too late And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here

Someday burns down And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and I never come back to this town again in my life I hope I lie and tell everyone you were a good wife and I hope you die

I hope we both die. I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow. I hope it bleeds all day long. Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises. We're pretty sure they're all wrong. I hope it stays dark forever. I hope the worst isn't over. And I hope you blink before I do.

I hope I never get sober. And I hope when you think of me years down the line You can't find one good thing to say And I'd hope that if I found The strength to walk out You'd stay the hell out of my way I am drowning There is no sign of land You are coming down with me

Hand in unlovable hand And I hope you die I hope we both die Thank you.