The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 15 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: March 4, 2015

DAY 15A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug schemes about creating his own Bisbee baseball league...with a twist.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 03, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Bisbee Blue Update - http://bit.ly/1M606eE Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Hey Dude” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

🎵 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, uh, I don't even fucking know what day it is. It doesn't matter anymore. You know what? Who's counting? The point is, I'm doing well. Things are good.

I love the fucking life. Baseball's coming. Bisbee baseball every year. We go down. We heckle. I feel bad about myself because these are kids they're barely like they have their baseball chops uh for a bisbee level but they're fucking yeah they're they get really angry because you heckle them and you and i'm not cruel i don't use bad language as kids

there you have to you have to craft your heckles to make them like adult friendly even if they're naughty so you can't go you say that in front of my kid well I said it in a way if your kid understands that at four years old you're saying some fucking shit to him at home if he could get that if he could cleave

what I was saying out of that curveball I just winged around his little fucking noggin. But here's the thing. The fucking league went under again. They do every year. But now as we're getting towards no one's talking baseball, usually by this time I have whatever guy is going to start up the new league

talking to me. Well, you know, we just wanted your input. No, you want me to fucking hustle up my friends because no one in this artsy fucking town cares shit about baseball. You want to get me to get my friends. And then we all sneak up in the bleachers and drink smuggled in alcohol and heckle and make it fun. But now there's no baseball.

So this is my idea. If I were ever to do a Kickstarter, which I wouldn't unless it was dire circumstances or something really funny, like this would only be funny to us. And not even to us. There's a limited amount. There's a small King Arthur's round table of us in Bisbee that would even think this is funny.

But to start an entire baseball league that as far as Bisbee knows, is this giant league that has all the surrounding Phoenix and Las Vegas, even Albuquerque, El Paso, Denver, for Christ's sakes. Denver is coming in. But what they don't know is we fielded a Bisbee team and another team that will every fucking weekend. We'll just peel off the Velcro letters, slap some more on. Oh, now you're you went from El Paso to Denver. Same uniform. Just put some different Velcro letters on. So one team would be the Bisbee team.

Right. And concurrently, you would draft the other team. As a Bisbee team. And that team would be a team that would be the visitors every week. Yeah, they're the enemy. It's the fucking Cuban national team get you know i i even know that i i think i have a guy that at the newspaper might even play along with it tongue in cheek i like he wouldn't want to he's he writes most of the shit for the sierra vista uh slash bisbee newspaper i won't drop his name but i think he would like

risk doing the uh brian williams what is that that guy's name the guy that's in oh yeah brian williams yeah so if he could write it tongue-in-cheek enough where he could go uh it was obviously a joke the whole this was satire clearly satire obviously to anyone who's not a nitwit bisbee wasn't playing playing the Cuban national team at the Warren ball field. They all had the same big black mustaches. Yeah. Give them super Mario fake mustaches one week. The next week they're playing the New York Yankees.

Really? Well, you wrote about that seriously, tongue in cheek, serious. How could you not know? So it would be funny to the people who are in on it because we we would still do all the you know pranks and gags and goofy shit and make it fun for the kids as

well as make it you know loud enough for the adults and they sell beer the only place they could sell beer we smuggle our own in because you can't count shouldn't we sell the beer no no no there's a whole catering license involved. There's so much bullshit just to get beer in that fucking ballpark. That's why we spent last season. No, they made it bullshit. This is how we get the revenue stream coming back. It's because they lost their fucking catering license.

You can only use it for so many events, and then you have to get another. Believe me, there's a bunch of bullshit involved. We had to fucking get the. I see money going out. I don't see money coming in. We had to get another it's a believe me there's a bunch of bullshit involved we had to fucking get the I see money going out I don't see money coming in mayor involved last year and she fucking stepped up this mayor this mayor lives right at the fucking ballpark his house is

right that house right behind left field we can set it up so balls go through his fucking window you could hit because we own both teams you go hey just fucking lob some at the monster let him fucking ding him out to to left field and go through the mayor's window if he does not approve beer sales at this function he could touch the scoreboard with a broom from his literally yeah well no not literally but right very very long right there it's within 30 feet uh yeah so yeah we would we would we would call it some grandiose name of the league

and then it's basically the washington generals the harlem globetrotters always played the washington generals that was the team they played against. But they moved town to town. We have to do the opposite where we're stuck in one ball field. So the Washington Generals will just be the same guys and have a different name. Uniform. Right. Well, no, it's going to be the same. Kind of benign.

Yeah. You change up the letters. Fuck, we could probably spring for some different uniforms well we'd get them wholesale not what they were charging there for right jerseys well if we started a kickstarter but this is only great i don't know what it would have to be something like after the the fucking the atheist chick. That was funny. And Rebecca, that was before I got deluged with everybody. Hey, can you plug my Kickstarter?

I have corns on my feet. Oh no. Well, they're really painful. I don't care. So, uh, and I don't want to be around to do it.

I think, I think we might be unretired in June. That's, uh, that's the word on the. That's the word on Scotsman's Avenue. When does the league usually start? Opening day. Memorial Day. Memorial Day through 4th of July. But then they always have some, like, you know, unprofessional.

I was going to say semi-professional but without even that below last below unprofessional or below semi-professional just not professional is unprofessional yeah it's unprofessional all right it's the unprofessional world series in wichita or something and then they'd build it up and usually the entire league would fall apart. Last year was the first time they were actually professionals, meaning $50 a week, which they'd lose more than that in broken bats. Oh, my, I sold to the company store some shit. We must have talked about it. Yeah, on a hitting streak, you'd go broke.

Yeah. I mean, literally, that happened to one of the guys that was staying at your place. He broke two bats in a week. Yeah. He's in the hole to the company store. Right. We were doing the podcast when they were staying here. We must have brought that up.

Either way, this would be funny because now we'd own the fucking team. So I wouldn't feel like a dick for heckling. And you go, hey, this is the rule. You have fun out there before the last year these those guys like one of the guys won a college world series uh the home run home run derby for uh college yeah college home run he won that we actually saw him on tv we all went out after a game him and his buddy that were staying at the house. We put up two of the ballplayers like foster

parents and then like the good foster parents we would be. We brought them to the bar after a game and got them fucking hammered and we're playing pool and it just happened to be home run derby. It was just on. The current one. So they did a montage of previous winners and he turns around and he goes,

hey, look, I'm on TV. And now you're playing for fucking Bisbee. As I recall. That was wicked fucking cool. As I recall, it was more like, yeah, that's me. It was like so blasé. I was the one who was excited. Like, that's the coolest thing for you.

Yeah, you're like, no, it's him. And he's like, yeah, that was me. He's like, Jesus. Yeah. So what was my point? Was I going with this? So would it be something where we're like, we got Metal Ark Lemon at shortstop,

like doing behind the back catches? That's what I was talking about. Before these guys, and they were pros, so they're really hoping to get called up to a better fucking level of professional somewhere, making 75 bucks a week instead of 50. Redwood City, please call. Which I completely understand.

I had to put it in comedy terms. When I started comedy, there was no money. You just were seen if you could do it. And the next week, you're still not making any money. You're spending money every fucking week, even if it's just gas to go down to the fucking bar or cab fare or whatever. And then you get a gig where you're losing money to drive to Montana from Phoenix at that time.

My first serious triple run. Yeah, there's no way I'm making money. I'm like, I'm hoping that car will make it. And if it doesn't, dad, can you call in your credit card number? Because I lost my drive train. Did that happen? Oh, my dad. This was back in the early 90s.

I had his credit card number written on the back of a business card in my wallet a few times. Yeah, when he came out for one Christmas with me, I'm doing triple gigs. And he's going to drive from Wyoming through Idaho, end up in Montana, and then we're going to have Christmas in Helena, Montana. And we're in a snowstorm driving through Wyoming to cut up into Idaho, and he goes, what would happen if you ever broke down in a place like this? There's nothing. Western Wyoming, it was just absolutely nothing

but starting to get blizzard conditions during the day and no other taillights nothing and he goes what would you do if you broke down i go i don't know that's where i usually call you i don't know what question is what would you do pop yeah what are you gonna do usually you just give me my credit your credit card number It would start with you picking up the phone. Yep. So he was your opener? We actually got him on stage to do some dumb improv things. I'm embarrassed at the things you used to do just to try to get your face back on stage after the fucking shitty headliner.

Just to go, hey, remember I was a comic too. to the fucking shitty headliner just to go hey remember i was a comic too and we talked to headliner and to do some improv to the most basic stupid you know three things walk into a bar bartender says i can't serve you and then you improv oh yeah and we do that just so we could try to remind chicks that we were on stage and try to get pussy after the show yeah because they had the break of the headliner after your set yeah hey remember me yeah the other guy was funny too i'm over here so we got him up to do some improv things he was not the guy yeah but he did a funny thing and that he hung he retired after that point being the old baseball players when we had the same team for a couple years they were

getting it they would do some weird shit and they like they uh they played dueling banjos between innings and two guys would go out there playing their baseball bats at each other air guitar style yeah and but i mean they did that on their own like if you fostered that environment of just goofiness a lot of fucking goofiness, and you own the other team, and they know that it's, I mean, you can play real baseball. They play each other every week. Just know that this is about entertainment. Make it real baseball.

I'm not trying to fuck with your sport or demean it, but no one gives a shit. In Bisbee, no one cares about sports whatsoever. I had to fucking make this whole house just to get hopefully a dozen football fans on a Sunday. On a playoff Sunday. We'll have 20 people in here and only seven of them will care about football at all. It just seems kind of weird when you go, look, play your sport. Be serious.

I want you to win. But no one gives a shit. Right. It's just between innings. Just have fun. Juxtaposed to that first statement. It just seems kind of weird. You're going to fucking.

I gave you a uniform. I set it up so you guys get fucking food and you play. That's your passion is to play baseball. Yes. How else are you going to do it? Are you going to go after work? You think that fucking 20 guys are all going to get together? If I hold up a dress, you ask what size right exactly okay i have no idea what that what you just said but all right

they're in for it they're in for the game whatever you you say we're gonna do this you can you can still try and win but i need you to wear a tutu tonight and they're like okay do you got a medium in there yeah yeah that's exactly what we want fucking hire a girl you know get tatum o'neill bad news bears type every team that has been set up and every from tom mosher to frank i go get a chick get one chick on the team and you will have the whole gay contingent of old Bisbee. All of a sudden, there's fans. You have to.

Or an openly gay guy, but that's not as obvious. You'd have to go, and the openly gay pitcher coming to the mound right now. You get a chick on the team, and all of a sudden, every fucking lesbian up in old Bisbee. I'm guessing catcher. Yeah. Yeah, fucking get down there. Support.

Support. We get a fucking chick on the team, and we're playing the Japanese Olympic. Do they have baseball in the Olympics? I don't. Yes, they do. As far as you know. Half the fun is just naming what the other team is every week

fucking they're playing Mexico just find out what like Mexico the Tonga Warriors don't bring them in no I'm saying there's a huge Mexican community here if you say the Mexican fucking national however

you'd have to find it, I'd have to read up on how baseball works in other countries. All of a sudden, really? Yeah. Are you sure you didn't just tie-dye the green and red into those fucking white shirts? Maybe. We go from a light color palette to a dark color palette because we can keep going darker on the tie-dye shirts.

palette to a dark color palette because we can keep going darker on the tie-dye shirts and this all sounds fun uh except i will not like this the few times i've announced games there was uh fun confusing and just trying to you know keep your shit together for nine innings and have you know two of us okay you'd read the names and I'll do the bullshit. That's, yeah, one night and you go, I'm not doing this every week for two months, four games a weekend. So it's a great idea. If someone wants to come down,

we're going to come up with a team name and then a million others. Then we're going to do tryouts for 20, I don't know, nine guys. Nine on the field, but you need a couple guys in reserve. We go to the stands. Yeah.

Why not? You know what? Everyone comes in with a ticket. The lottery will be, you can hold a lottery for who's going to play shortstop. Yeah, fucking, hey, you know what? We're going to draw a name at seventh inning.

This is another one. 50-50 raffle. They do the 50-50 raffle. I was trying to go big and go, listen, do a, hey, you get three swings, you know, at a strike pitch, and if you knock it out of the park, you win 500 bucks. You know, the halftime, half-court shot.

Win the fucking Oldsmobile if you hit it from half-court. Something like that that you're never going to lose. And if it's 500 bucks, if I do, I can put that up. There's a million.

I gave them a fucking million ideas and nothing. They did fucking million ideas and nothing they did fucking nothing actually they just relied on us to show up and do our the only thing they did was uh when matt was hired all the uh announcing booths we had a they had a local country music dj who was great he was everything that park needed and i was like anytime there's a foul ball because i foul balls go right into the street where your car is so you there's a foul ball everyone cringes hoping it's not hitting their car and you hear a thud so i and he did exactly what i said like just you know have a cow mooing when you're glass breaking just sound effects and he did it and they fucked him over

they jerked him around with fucking the pittance they were paying him and i god knows where he is now but yeah we'll need a new announcer someone just get on the radio you know what's sad is is that i never really thought about it until right now i was talking about it that i'm gonna miss that if that doesn't happen this summer. It's not going to happen this summer. It sucks. But, yeah, Mike or Judy, if you're listening out there, you can make this happen.

But I have a head full of steam about the idea, but when it comes to actually putting it into practice, I have my own shit to do and running a baseball team for fun as i'm already making zero income well yeah speaking of zero income hey uh do you ever uh worry about bad breath you know gum and mints they they'll just uh knock your bad down. But that's only for like 20 minutes. After that, fucking brush your teeth because I don't know any product. It's going to help you last all day and through the night.

So just fucking brush your teeth and try flossing a water pick. That's good. All right. And enjoy things like the mailing list. And you go to the website and all that and tell your friends and spread the word not about the podcast that's just for us really honestly it's just

for us no one's gonna get into me because of the podcast on any level by the way Chaley will hopefully be working on real podcasts aside from this that we already have in the fucking bank like the whole podcast that preceded this the fucking yeah that prehab party with the acid

and the fucking ecstasy and that was supposed to go out but he's so busy fucking putting these daily things together that sometimes i feel like i should leave town and leave a few gaps no no no no no all right this is great all right great we're gonna uh we'll close oh wait uh yeah now the word of the day today is bumptious that's the word of the day bumptious it's a fucking great word and it's exactly how i feel today have you noticed how the words kind of go with the feeling of the day from the word of the day from roger's thesaurus of words for intellectuals and aren't we aren't we all intellectuals how about you out there hey listeners everyone adjust your monocle feeling intellectual bumptious bumptious that's a word you can say and be intellectual but you can say it

like a fucking hillbilly now kitten y'all gonna get bumptious on me I'm just trying to be polite took my teeth out when I went down on you bumptious means overbearing

or crudely assertive. Have I ever been bumptious with you, Mr. Chaley? Overbearing or crudely assertive, overly pushy or impertinent. There's your double down word, impertinent. Did you know what imperinent if you if you knew that you were being impertinent you were being bumptious that is a fucking good word so bumptious that's your word of the day get out there and use it use it be cocky about it get in someone's face and go hey you don't get to get all bumptious with me i'm just a fucking dude man i just asked that's a good one that's an everyday uh that's something you could say every day yeah don't get all bumptious with me dude i just said that's perfect yeah and you can say it where the rest of your dialect sounds like you're just run-of-the-mill moron dude

you put yeah bumptious with dude any one of words, you put it with a, hey, don't get all fucking like bumpshus. And I'm just trying to be civil like that. I was here well before those guys. And you took their order first. Anyways. Yeah. Use that. And we're going to close.

I'm just fucking trying to get out. Hey, we made this one short, didn't we? What is it? 21. Fuck. 21. That's good. You still got to do.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to close out. Well, that's just the closing song, right? 21. Fuck, 21. That's good. You still got to do. Yeah, yeah. We're going to close out. Well, that's just the closing song, right? Yep. All right. Yeah, we're going to go fucking old school. Our good friend that closes the regular podcast, which we'll be back to as soon as I'm sprung from the fucking trailer of doom.

So here's a rare track from the Matoid. Find the Matoid. I still haven't found him. The Mtoid. Find The Mattoid. I still haven't found him. The Mattoid. He's in Finland. M-A-T-T-O-I-D. Last I knew he was in Finland after they fled from this country. He's got a bunch of good shit.

Find it. The Mattoid. This is Hey Dude. Listen to the whole fucking thing. your hand Hey dude, what you gonna do with the quailing harpoon in your hand? Gonna go and harpoon my lady, she's rubbing noses with another Eskimo mane Gonna go and harpoon my lady, she's rubbing noses with another Eskimo mane Here I go.

Hey dude, I guess you just hopped onto your lady down. Hey dude, I guess you just harpooned your lady down Hey dude, I guess you just harpooned your lady down Yes I harpooned her, I caught her doing hangy-pangy around the Eskimo town Yes I harpooned her, I caught her doing hangi panga Around the Eskimo town Here I go then La la la la la la la La la la la la la hey hey La la la la la la la

La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la hey hey Hey you, what you doing away, gotta go now Hey you, what you doing away, gotta go now! But you're turning away, gotta go now! Gonna wait till Ruska It's a good time to go when there's not that many mosquitoes around Gonna wait till Ruska It's a good time to go when there's not that many mosquitoes around Then I'm gonna go to Finland.

Gonna get myself a reindeer farm by the Volga River. Gonna go to Finland. Get myself a reindeer farm by the Volga River. Gonna get myself a whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies. Just making love all night long in the midnight sun. Whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies Just making love all night long in the midnight sun Whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies Just making love all night long in the midnight sun Down south in Finland

Sun always shines And Eskimo people are having so much fun Down south in Finland Sun always shines And Eskimo people are having so much fun Down South in Finland, all the rules are hanged, man it's so lame Down South in Finland, all the rules are hanged, man it's so lame I'm gonna be free Right on the baby

Right on the baby Right on the baby Right on the baby Right on the thing