The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 16 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: March 5, 2015

DAY 16A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug speaks at the Bisbee City Council and contemplates the pitfalls of starting a cult.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 04, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-BISBEE CITY COUNCIL AUDIO/VIDEO - http://www.kbrp.org/bcc/  THE WANDERERS TRAILER - http://yhoo.it/1FesFo9Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Before They Make Me Run” by The Rolling Stones. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I have so much shit written down right here, and it's all a cluster of fucked up. But I do have at least, what's that, over a dozen drinks. I went, like, Google searching. There's one fucking drink. If anyone out there, first of all, if you don't listen to Phil Hendry, the archives, the classic Phil Hendry, then you've missed it. There's nothing that's ever been funnier in the history of radio than Phil Hendry. Look him up. H-E-N-D-R-I-E.

But one of his characters, I don't know if it's Bobby Dooley or Margaret Gray, one of the female characters, there's an episode or maybe more where she's drinking one of those like 19 i don't know if it's 50s 60s 70s and it's a ridiculous sounding drink but you know it when you hear it and i can't find it i've googled it with phil hendry and bobby dooley phil hendry margaret gray what cocktail so i if anyone knows phil hendry inside and out, I'll tweet Phil Hendry. He probably won't remember. They have the Ted, which is basically a rum and coke.

No, this was an actual. I'm just trying to make sure people don't go, it's called the Ted. We know that one. No, it's one of the female characters. And just as an aside, well, we were having, I think it might have been one of them get a dui or was driving drunk and hit a kid and she keeps you know changing her story on how much she had to drink oh my god i had two i god i'm anyway i found other ones that are fun a rum colada uh this is uh this is days uh the Day 16 podcast. So Day 16's in the bag. Yesterday, what you heard is the Day 15 podcast was what Chaley calls the evergreen.

That was actually, we weren't fucking here. We were here eventually, but this is what happened. That was taped days earlier in the first couple weeks. When I had more to say after a podcast about the baseball shit, that was taped days earlier in the first couple of weeks. We, we, when I had more to say after a podcast about the baseball shit, I did want to talk about that, but we put that in a can in case for some reason we had to miss a day. If I jumped on a plane and went haywire,

if we went up to the mountains and couldn't get one out, we had that in the can. So the Bisbee baseball, yeah, we cheated you. Yeah. We fucking cheated you. Hang on. Hey, turn off your cell phones when you're podcasting.

All right. Sorry. That was that was Hennigan with something important. Not. I love doing that. You say like you mean it one way and then you don't. And yeah, we'll get to you fucking assholes. Someone suggested, hey, do douchebag of the day.

And you know what? It would be so hard to pick. You think it's difficult to pick the best song of all 30 closing songs or a drink? Just the amount of fucking numbskulls in a day. The amount of fucking numbskulls in a day. Again, I don't know if it's just because I'm in a period of physical transition of my habits that's making me extra testy. But no, these people would fucking bother me every day, all the time. If I had a fucking full overflowing ashtray and two American spirits hanging out of my mouth. A fucking big, fat, frosted beer.

No, I would be annoyed by this. Just for fuck's sake. You really didn't turn it off, huh? I didn't turn it off. I'm podcasting, honey. Yeah. It's not your fault, Bingo. It's not your fault.

I can't turn my phone off why it never rings and then if it does ring i think oh my god it might be important i've been taking a lot of fucking phone calls for business businessy things can you just put it on vibrate right now i could yeah and it'll vibrate yeah so uh yeah so so now i kind of have that thing where, oh, fuck, well, maybe there's going to be some kind of payoff to this. Probably won't be at this hour on a fucking Wednesday night. So, yeah, so we put that podcast out because Chaley and I had to go to the city council meeting. Last minute. Last minute. Gene Connors, who you don't know yet, because that's another evergreen podcast that we put out,

but it was not time sensitive. So we have that on the back burner in case one week, back when we're weekly, if we can't get something out, we get that one. So Gene Connors is a friend of ours. He's a city councilman. He's fun as shit. He's a friend of ours.

He's a city councilman. He's fun as shit. And he asked us to come down because there's been a war in Bisbee for the last year or plus. Oh. Oh. It's been a war for five years. No, it's not been a war for five years. Mind your fucking business.

I know Bisbee. You don't know Bisbee. It's been a war since they actually passed the ban. Oh's right we're trying to not repeat last night this is why we did a fucking evergreen last night because you and i sat and bickered about fucking bisbee plastic bag ban like old women for about half an hour and go this is unarable so i'm trying to give them the succinct version. Since they passed a ban on plastic bags in Bisbee, people have been up in arms. You can't tell us what to do. You can't charge us a nickel for a paper bag. How dare you?

This is the whole reason the Libertarian Party doesn't work, because they get fucking bent on principle and minutiae, and they're not pragmatic. And, hey, it's a fucking nickel lady just remember to bring your own bag it works way better i'm really happy they did that and i yeah i'm a guy that gets wound up about the principle of the thing but not when it's this stupid yeah i felt like a piece of shit when i'd come home for football Sunday and I just bought $280 worth of shit for the weekend and I have 800 plastic bags where they, you know, triple bag of Walmart. We were talking about that. They're absolute worst.

They will take literally a six pack of club soda and triple bag it. One loaf of bread. Yeah, triple bag the fucking thing. And then you stuff them all in a corner cabinet. Like, maybe one day I'll have a use for these. Don't throw them away. That's wasteful. You feel horrible to just throw them out.

Exactly. Because there has to be something you can do. And I'm a guy that writes off all the litter in the world because I don't have children. And you know the bit and you know how the story goes. Yes, you fucking don't have children. You you know the bit, and you know how the story goes. Yes, you fucking don't have children. You are so far ahead of the game, you can never on purpose litter more, unless you own Dow Chemical Corporation,

where you can spring a leak, or you can sink one of your own oil rigs. You can never, as an individual, litter more as much as you could try than if you had children if you have children yeah you are you're the filthiest fucking person on the planet that was great at the meeting listen to all these people you know what we passed legislation with this bag ban that's not just gonna take care of us it's gonna help seven generations down the road are going to look back and say they did.

If you have fucking children. And I had already spoken. So I couldn't fucking stand up and go, no, no. By the way, I'm for the bag ban, but people on both sides of the fence. No one's really against it they're against the principle and how city council pushed this through without giving them time to have equals voice a misnomer by the way it turns out yeah whatever it was they did cut some fucking corners and there was things that they should have done that they didn't doesn't matter the point is this fucking bag ban has now been in place.

You know, they lost their vote. They tried to do a petition drive to recall it. Couldn't get enough signatures. Or they got enough, but half of them were fucked up. By their own admission, they fucked up and lost. Human error. They lost about 100. But, yeah, this squat little cunt that's,

she's like the woman from Poltergeist, the midget lady, the medium. Into the light, Carol Ann! And go to the light! Yeah, her name is Susan M. Blackford. Whatever the middle initial is, she uses it. And she's this old, just squatty woman with a, she wears a kerchief, but she's so, like her head is so smushed into her rounded torso that it looks like the scarf is covering up for a hole or some kind of pump. Like a goiter or something?

Yeah, she has like the old, the smoking hole. An alleged goiter or something? Yeah, she has the old smoking hole. An alleged goiter, I just want to say. Yeah. She seems litigious. She's the one that just keeps pushing this, rescind the plastic bag ban, and one of these people that has really nothing else

to live for and is just so evil and miserable. She can take some tiny piece and just run with it you've lost it's over and no yet again she gets the mayor to sneak this into the agenda so gene connor's our guy he's a councilman hey you gotta get down here they snuck this fucking plastic fucking bag again a vote on whether they were going to have a special election or an election on something that was already voted on by the people. Right. So we went down, and I wrote up a goofy thing.

You came out of retirement, dude. Yeah, I've gone up and tried to speak at city council events, just spur of the moment, like during the civil union thing where I'm just listening to people talk, and in my head I have an argument. Like, that's bullshit. And then I hear another person talk, and I go, this is how you should have said that. That was good, but you should have.

So by the time I decided spontaneously, I want to speak, I was trying to talk back at every fucking thing. So by the time I decided spontaneously, I want to speak. I was trying to talk back at every fucking thing. I've had a lot of miserable failure flame outs at city council. So I wrote up some shit and actually had notes of where I was going. And I kept it three minutes is what you're supposed to keep it at. Last night we heard fucking how many people? Two fucking hours.

That's why we had to use that burner podcast about baseball, which I still want to do. And the name of the team, by the way, Bisbee Killer Termites, because the dude that made up those T-shirts in the UK when I had that beef with the journalist, Alison Pearson, and she referred to my fan base that crawled up her ass on every fucking avenue of the internet. She referred to my fan base as a pack of killer termites. And this dude made up these shirts and I gave, I gave two of them.

I wear all the time of the few t-shirts I have the Bisbee killer termites baseball logo as though it's a team. So yeah, that's the team name. If we should get this going. There is rumor that there might be a fucking team, but no one can confirm it. It's like sighting of Bigfoot. No one really has anything for sure.

And, like, even the article that I sent you today, you said, you're right, November. Nothing newer since November. You know what? I'd still make a team and just show up on the field in the middle of someone else's game. And if you get this reference out there, I'll fucking just tongue the back of your dirty mouth in the morning before you brush is when the fucking ducky boys show up in the Wanderers during a football game. And I think it's the pips of the Mau Mau's against the Wanderers and then the Ducky Boys, the creepy Irish gang,

just shows up on the field and it turns into this massive brawl. All right, if you fucking know the Ducky Boys reference, I love you. Everyone else, go find the Wanderers somewhere and watch it. Greatest. I'll put a link in not the warriors it's a different gang movie altogether uh the wanderers so all these people had two fucking solid hours of people talking mostly pro uh bag ban and how much prettier bisbee is and there used to be all the bags

were stuck into the desert foliage of flora and fauna. And now there's no more bags and no one can argue. And then the next person would come up. I can't believe we're still talking about the bag ban this long. And if you look around,

Bisbee's so much more beautiful. I know the last six fucking people said that. I mean, I know you want to go up and say your point of view, but if everyone else has already said it, just say, okay, let's clear. Because I had to go up first. I come in, they start, okay, everyone, the council has come to order. We start with call to the public, Doug Stanhope. So is that cold

like i'm like and i'd mind my money was complete it was about the bag band but it was completely fucking goofball i just assumed at some point i'd be some kind of uh comic relief but i had to kick the thing off and right after the pledge of of Allegiance. And then the people who stand up for that. I feel so weak. But it's one of those don't shit where you eat kind of things. And plus, you don't want to queer your thing. Like, I'm already going up. I'm already dressed like a fucking asshole.

Because that's how you go to city council. I haven't even worn the toupee to city council. And then you go, all right, I'm already pushing everyone. Most of the people do not appreciate my sense of humor. I'd say 90%. In fact, the people that appreciate your sense of humor were sitting next to you. Right. And those are our friends that are only showing up because, hey hey they're fucking trying to do this bag bad thing again that cunt susan m blackford who i heard lost her

fucking real estate license for shenanigans allegedly i heard i didn't yeah don't allege it i already put i i got my ass covered i heard i heard that last night that, yeah, she had she used to be a real estate agent, fucking had her license yanked. She's a terrible, terrible fucking bunch bellied fucking pig face woman. And everybody hates her. And the person who told me that she had her fucking license yanked back when she was a fucking filthy, deceitful hamstring. That's what I heard. Real estate person said that that she should die. She has no reason to live.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's exactly how it was put to me by a very sweet person, too. Very specific. Wow, that's really toxic coming out of you. You're a happy homemaker type of lady, and that's what you think that fucking horrible fucking bread basket woman should die? Sailor axe murderer talk coming from a homemaker?

Yeah. So after two hours of listening to, it doesn't matter what side they were on, they just said nothing or said the same thing over and over again. There's not a lot of deviations you can make on how the fucking, whether you're for or against plastic bags or how they went about passing the law. You just, two people could have said it.

What was our goddamn word? Where is it? Where's the word of the day? Tracy didn't give it to us yet. Posselequence. Is it Posselequence? Oh, yeah. That was Posselequency.

Posselequence was Oh, yeah. That was... Paselequency? Paselequent was two days ago. Yeah. Yes. People could have been a lot more Paselequent and got the same message through. Paselequent is using a few words. Yes. Paselequent.

Yes. A poverty of words. Ooh, that's good. Economy of words. Much like taciturn. Taciturn feels more like it's prying words out of someone, where someone doesn't want to speak, rather than someone just uses as few words as possible.

Is taciturn part of tacit? Yes. words as possible. Is taciturn part of tacit? Yes. As paucity and eloquence is pocilequent. Eloquence.

I don't know. You just answered. You should have said I don't know first. I was listening to a podcast and someone used tacit three or four times in one hour podcast, and I think he was just crowbarring it in there. I catch myself doing that.

It seems like a lot in one hour to say tacit more than two times. I said, you know, let's actually just play this. But, yeah, when Gene stopped by right before council to see if I was going to come down, I walked out and I'm already suited up in my stupid suit. He's like, oh, fired up. You going to council? I go, what, do you think I fucking wear this to dine alone in my trailer? Well, you never know.

And I go, yeah, I'll be down there and i i said i'm just i'm just going goofy on this one i have no real point uh other than the one i made up and uh i said but i will be excoriating the uh and he goes oh excoriate there's a big word i go yeah and then when i finally used it i forgot to use it where i was going to. I wasn't going to use it. But when I went to say implore, I implore the city council. I fucked up and said excoriate because I'm looking at Gene Conner. And I was like, oh, wait, that's not the word at all. Fuck it.

You were jet lagged. Yeah. So I guess, you know what? Probably on YouTube or something. We'll put it up when it comes out. But here's audio of it from KBRP, our local radio station. Support KBRP. And you know what? While you're at it, get a subscription to the Bisbee Observer

and read the police beat on your own. Because we're backlogged with fucking police beats waiting for Chad Shank to come over with those golden pipes and sing us some fucking news of the day. So here's me opening the city council meeting to kick off the Battle of the Bag Band. Bag Band. Battle of the Plastic Bag. Play the fucking thing. We're going to go to call to the public now. We're going to go to a call to the public now.

We're going to start off with Mr. Doug Stanhope. Thank you. My name is Doug Stanhope. This month I reside at 213 Black Knob in a trailer on a cement slab. It's a long story. knob in a trailer on a cement slab it's a long story ladies and gentlemen no matter what you came down here to discuss to weigh in on whatever the topic is I think we can all agree that there's no topic more important than the topic of child safety protecting the people amongst us that can't protect themselves.

I'm going to throw some numbers at you. Unbiased, unemotional, cold numbers. According to the National Center for Review and Prevention of Child Deaths, the most recent numbers, this is for the year 2012. The number for the year 2012, 956 children died. Infants and toddlers died from accidental suffocation. Suffocating on what? Legos, perhaps? But the lion's share? Plastic bags, people! That's what these kids are choking to death on. And I think, call me crazy, that's 965 too many. Now, conversely, by comparison, let me check my numbers. In the amount of

time that the plastic bag ban has been enforced in Bisbee since April 28th of 2014, the number of deaths in Bisbee, toddlers or infants choking to death on plastic bags. Let me check that number again. Yes, zero. Zero children in Bisbee have suffocated on a plastic bag. And I think that's a good number. Numbers don't lie and numbers cannot be manipulated for a political point of view. for a political point of view.

And zero, you can take that zero and look at it as 965 children that are undead because of this council. Did this council step over some boundaries to bull rush this legislation into place? Perhaps. Did they cut some corners? Did they ignore important Bisbee City Charter protocol to get this legislation in place? Absolutely. Did they do anything illegal? Possibly.

Should they be imprisoned by that gentleman if he has respect for the badge and to want to share of Joe Arpaio's pink prisons eating green bologna? Absolutely. But you cannot argue with results. And that zero, that goose egg on dead Bisbee children doesn't lie. So I excoriate you. That's a big word that I don't know what it means. But any member of this council that votes to rescind the plastic bag ban,

that votes to rescind the plastic bag ban, you might as well just vote to have babies suffocating in plastic sacks until they're dead, and then run for re-election. Thank you, people. Mary Ferguson, did you want call to the public? Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, that was my funny for my three minutes. I had three minutes.

I went 301. Fucking bang, which didn't leave me time. I wanted to show how you could not suffocate a baby in the reusable bags they sell for 99 cents and how you could not even huff glue out of it because you can't get a tight seal. But I realized that that would bring me way past my time limit. And knowing that people are going to fucking hate your guts, you go, as long as I stay within my time, then fuck you. You're a professional, and this is the way you're going to do it. Yeah, I'm not bleeding anyone. You're going to hate other people.

Say what you want from what I say, but I stay within my time, because some people went over six minutes. Oh, Jesus Christ. And there's not a yellow light that goes or a hook that comes out or anything. They just keep going right so uh yeah and eventually the fucking gene connor's podcast will come out and the fucking prehab part like at least you have that has to come out before the last episode of the fucking 30 days in the hole they They have to hear the party, the precursor party that put me into that fucking hole.

It was, it was, that has to be done. My bar rescue episode, uh, uh, airs on March 15th. I just found that out and I got my fucking check and I deposited it.

So, uh, yeah, that'll stop me from excoriating. Actually, Bar Rescue was kind of fun, but I did feel like a chump. I don't know how much I've talked about this. I'll save this till right before. Yeah, we'll talk about it. Wait, it's coming out on when? March 15th.

Oh, you'll still be in rehab, so you and him again will talk about it. It's coming out on when? March 15th. Oh, you'll still be in rehab. So you and him again can talk about it. Yeah. Or you and I right before you leave. Yeah. Either way, Peltzman podcast. Jesus Christ. This is what's coming up right now on this show.

A bunch of bullshit. I'm going to talk about you fucking assholes and you nitwits and uh i'm gonna talk about some emails i got some things uh we're gonna do a burner podcast right after this some things i like i don't want someone nelson potter sent me uh some questions he goes actually he sent me a thing he says hey i'm going to this rapamo or ramapo college in new jersey some fucking college you never heard of and i'm doing some class about radicalism in america and i want to do a paper about you can i ask you some questions and i said said, shoot, send me some questions. It was when I first started this trailer rehab.

I go, what do I have better to do? And this asshole sends me, what is this? I'm fucking looking at, that's going to be at least 20. I'm saying 22. Five questions. All right. There's a lot of questions and they're not just like, where did you get started? They're like this guy. This is enough to write a biography.

So I'm not writing him back. I'm not going to try to like I type slow. So what I'm going to do is at the end of this podcast, I'm going to do a burner podcast. podcast that's just for him and he can fucking sit and listen to me stutter and and slander and yell back at his dumb questions and like what the fuck did you expect you think like i'm gonna i was gonna write back to these if i i would write your entire fucking page so well that'll that'll happen at the end after i play song, we'll probably put it out separately as just a burner podcast. I don't know how that works. Why don't we just put it after the song of the night?

Just put it after the song? Yeah. All right. If you want to sit around for an interview, an exclusive interview, then you can. All right. So that's that. I get a list of fucking drinks.

Here, I'm going to give you you a chaley just listen to oh wait no pelt my podcast i started on because uh for all the things that i i say hey listen go has anyone talked to the pelt my podcast have you listened to one or two and given them notes because it really bothers me that we haven't heard back from that guy i don't mind but i don't know if you guys are fucking with them really hard and not telling me about it because when i say hey guys tell give that guy some notes tell him like what he could do better we did say that right a lot we actually i felt it was uh it was very constructive okay i i bring this up specifically because other things that i i talk about that are i think obvious that i'm joking that there's a wink and a nudge and a tongue in a cheek. And then you don't fucking get when I, when that Cody Hucker and I,

I would made a joke about the guy who wanted to write for me that didn't understand sarcasm. When I said, yes, I need 12 minutes of John Wayne Bobbitt jokes clean. 12 minutes of John Wayne Bobbitt jokes. Clean. And then when I'm reading an email from Cody Hucker,

I thought it would be funny to say, hey, that guy who wants to write for me, try writing a limerick with Cody Hucker. Yeah. That's a joke because it's obvious. This is a this guy writes to me he emails me with a limerick not the guy not no not the guy not cody hucker i mean not matt was his name the guy that wanted to write for me where i said write me a limerick that includes cody

hucker see because any fucking it's you have no idea the amount of fucking limericks that i got via twitter and email not and and one of them writes a a limerick and writes this to preface his limerick but then again with a last name like Hucker these pretty much write themselves that's the fucking joke

if you sat down to write it you know what fucker and cocksucker fit right into this, honey. I almost feel like it's like trout in a barrel. Yes! That was the whole point. You shouldn't be writing. For the record, the couple of people that did write limericks without using fucker

or even using hucker as the rhy rhyming point yeah all right i give you fucking some credit for being original but this the point was no that's this is like sudoku that's like them trying to do something i'm surprised they didn't people didn't send me 10 minutes of fucking clean Bobbitt jokes. So the point is, you'll do that. You'll sit and send me hucker, fucker, cocksucker limericks all day long when you're not even the guy I was talking to and I was

being sarcastic. But not one fucking person can give me an update on that Peltma podcast thing. And I fucking... That guy sent me 200 bucks. I mean, even without the 200 bucks, I'd probably feel a little guilty for riding him that hard, but it's a fucking show. I'm not going to soft touch you.

He's kind of good cop, bad cop. I gave him advice I would give anyone for free. Well, maybe I shouldn't say that. Yeah, well. You could have I shouldn't say that. Yeah. Well, you could have just emailed me. Don't worry. It's not like I'm at a lack for people asking me advice every day in email. I just don't get noticed until there's a money order for $200.

And you go, all right, now this is a bit. You've got my attention. Yes. So are you going to read the limerick? No, I was going to read you some of the... Oh, I'll get to it. I was kidding. You really wrote some down?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, I get a fucking... I get email full. I'll skip the limericks. I don't want to add anything because I know you have a full sheet there. It's not like any of them are like, oh, well, that's rich. No. I was kidding.

I didn't know that you had a sheet. There's one guy that sent three different emails full of different limericks. Like he spent his day. Well, that was productive day. Here's some here's some drinks. I thought, what are we drinking tonight? Chaley, tell the people tonight we are drinking. We first last night when you were hearing the baseball podcast that we had actually pre-recorded in case of emergencies, and there was one,

if you're keeping track of what we drank last night, we drank pineapple and rum. Like a maraschino cherry juice, a little bit of the liquid. Yeah, something you kind of put together. Yeah, yeah. We were overdue for a rum drink. So some light rum floated, some dark rum on the top, maraschino cherry and pineapple. We came back and we had to, like when you're sick and you have to vomit, just to vomit, we had to get rid of words.

After we sat there for two hours in uncomfortable seats and not being able to heckle. At one point I muttered a heckle you did a couple of them but but i did one that was funny but i only did it so the people right next to me could hear it and then someone else on the other side of the room said the exact same thing loudly and fucking killed it oh it fucking hurt me so bad. I go, what are you? And, you know, the biggest polluters are young men between the ages of 18 and 34. And I go, are you going to ban them too? And there's a chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.

And then some guys, what, are we going to ban them too? Ah! I just said that. I just said that. I said it politely, just under my breath to my friends. You should have said, sir, we are in a public forum. This is not the right place. And that was my joke.

Oh, my God. That fucking Farner guy actually went up to not only say what everybody else fucking said, but he went up and he said, I believe that guy kind of stole my thunder because my point was gonna he was angry that someone else had the same point of view as him and he signed up earlier that's like fucking hicks of fans all the people that are fucking oh bill hitch that's kind of like bill what is it a fucking good point do more people need to know this point okay he touched that premise so he no one should ever speak the entire premise again that is necessary to change that worldview now this guy kind of stole my thunder because i wanted to be the first one to make that

salient point that rock our world oh my god and then you just said the same shit as everyone else only oh all right a manhattan doug oh yeah we're drinking tonight yeah that's uh we're back on track with day 16 have you ever had a manhattan before didn't you not notice at the beginning where i go it's day yeah fuck you i don't even know what day it is. But listen, I want to talk about baseball. See, that was a fucking smooth bullshit. You go back to what was day 15. That was some smooth bullshit in and out of that. I thought we were going to have to cut something in.

But when I listen to it, I'm like, no, that's fucking. Nope. Yeah. So Manhattan, have you ever had one before? I have not had a Manhattan. I've never even. Lovely. Wanted to drink one.

And I can't wait for my next one. Manhattan, whiskey, vermouth, some bitters, a cherry, and an orange twist. Yes. Made expertly by Tracy. Yeah, orange twist. It's kind of around the rim thing. Well, yeah, what you want to do is you've got two pieces of the twist in there because until we found the tool to actually make an actual twist, you've got more of the pith on one of them. But what you really want is just that outer skin.

Either way. You'd never know. It's delicious. And I'm dry, so I'm going to make a drink. All right. Yeah. Well, let's take a break here. Just let me hum off some of the ones I've found.

And what is this, drinks? I really appreciate, and I shouldn't bust everyone's fucking balls that irritates me on Twitter, because I know that makes you think, wow, I kind of wanted to send him a drink idea, but I don't want to be made fun of. Enjoy it when I make fun of you. I'm a fucking irritable cunt. I don't sit and harp on it after the fact.

Yeah, I don't need your own personal recipes. I'm trying to think of shit that's reminiscent of when I was a young child and my mother was a bartender in a fucking steakhouse and I'd get to go in and play the jukebox. And you know what I'd play? I'd play fucking John Denver Calypso. I remember that one specifically.

I'd play songs like, I calypso the songs that you're singing. And you're lucky I'm not playing that as one of my fucking closeout songs but i'd hear all these fun names a rob roy did you know that's an actual drink yeah we looked it up no no this is a booze drink a booze drink rob roy so what was the one it was a shirley temple and a roy rogers roy rogers That's what it was. Because a Rob Roy is an actual drink.

I found that. My tie, we've talked about Harvey Wallbanger. Oh, yes. How about that? Hadn't thought of that. Brandy Alexander. We're definitely doing that. Yes. The Grasshopper.

Another one. These are the drinks that are on the table tents when you're in junior high and you're fascinated with these sexy-looking drinks. A Harvey Wallbanger, a Grasshopper, the Zombie, which we enjoy. I know someone's going to go slow screw up against a wall. That's more like a sex on the beach stupid thing. Harvey Wallbanger, actual blue Hawaiian. Well, yeah. G gimlet and a gibson we we but you know what i would have said that about a gin fizz and both of us have been enjoying

the gin and there's uh another uh word for that i think it's the same ingredients as a gin ricky uh yeah i think it's the same thing yeah there's a there's a slow gin fizz there's a ramos slow gin is just a different type of yes but it's uh no it's gin and then uh yeah slow gin slow i think it's red also the slow berry sidecar i always and i think it's a utah thing where they would refer to a sidecar as an extra shot. I thought that was a shot next to a drink. I remember in Utah, back when it was private clubs, sidecar was something. But a sidecar is an actual drink.

So all the people I poo-pooed who said, have a sidecar. It's like a shot with your... What is a sidecar? Do you have that? I looked it up. It's like a shot with your. What is a sidecar? Do you have that? I looked it up. It's an actual drink. A stinger? Yes.

Stinger. We're going to do a pink lady. It's actual egg whites in it. Dude, I swear to God, these are all drinks that I've known about and have never, ever wanted to drink. And I cannot wait to run through this list. Yeah, yeah. A Negroni. Someone tweeted me about a Negroni and I'd never heard of it.

So I thought it was some dude's home recipe, but then I found it in one of the old time. Yeah. I was just classic cocktails and vintage cocktails, fifties cocktails. Not after Tyler Negron. No. First thing I thought when I saw that guy's tweet,

a salty dog, a gin sling. It's like a Singapore sling with gin, hurricane, and a metropolitan. Heard of a cosmopolitan, but it was a metropolitan. I'm going, yeah, that sounds right. That sounds like something I heard of when I was a kid. So if you have a, without looking them up on Google, if you heard something because i've looked up every fucking thing on google and every list so if you're if there's something you're thinking

of because i'm still trying to find that margaret gray or bobby dooley from phil hendry there's one drink that's uh yeah we're gonna go take a break now and refill uh get on my second manhattan going and uh we'll be back. James, have you ever used Eros Guide for hookers on the road? Eros Guide, that sounds interesting. What is it? Eros Guide is where in my later stage of getting hookers via computer, I would go to Eros Guide.

They have hookers in every major metropolitan area. So, is this like Craigslist? It tells you what they're giving you pictures, tells you what they're into. Right, because I'm tired of going to Craigslist and finding these skanky hookers. Is there a better place

to go? Hey, your face isn't really pixelated. Get out of my Motel 6. How much to just talk for three months? All right, I'll give you $250 an hour, but I get to live on your couch for a year and a half. And believe me, you'll be paying me that back. Did you say no? I like what you did.

I respect that. Can I do some laundry at your house? It's just this jacket and cap. All right, that's a plug from James Inman. Now back to the podcast. Already sort of in progress. All right. You know what? Fuck this.

Do a station ID. This message was brought to you by Doritos. What? No, your name, lady. Roseanne Barr and Doritos. Crunchy corn chips, bitch! Yeah, now we're rolling.

Get that shrimp out of your teeth. Hey, that was either an announcement, some old shit Chaley had in the can. Maybe it was a station ID. We need more fucking fake commercials. Hey, you know what? since we're gonna go into emails anyway uh and i'm just this is this is anti-commercial if you live in san diego as a toyota of san diego it can't be only one all right forget it. You know what? Fuck it. Just because some guy emailed me, he heard my story about that lolly Chevrolet in Sierra Vista,

and he wrote this story about how they fucked him and his wife, just fucked his wife over really hard and just kept strolling. It was a whole detailed email, and it made me think, maybe if we take this podcast in a direction, it should be just consumer advocate. But instead of, we're going to bang on your door like local news channel 9. Do you have any comments? You said that you changed their transmission, and they didn't need the transmission change.

Do you have anything to say? Instead, we just fucking go burning bags of dog shit on their doorstep in the middle of the night and go all fucking hoodlum on them. Get some half-wit hacker to fucking just get into his fucking bank account. Like a vigilante David Horowitz. Yeah, yeah. Like Anonymous meets Dennis the the menace how's that

just because that yeah that that email alone whatever guy i'm sorry i i i started a new folder in my hotmail i'm getting confused i can't find the guy i'm not looking for the guy actually because i have the other guys i wanted to talk about but yeah dude that uh that get fucked over by san diego and it's another san diego story hey there's a fucking comedy club there that a couple of like big names have talked to me about i heard you had problems there too and i'm like yeah i haven't really thought about it because i got paid and shit and that guy's just a crazy fucking asshole but uh yeah if you've had problems at a san diego comedy club we we got lots of fucking uh recorded evidence of fucking batshit crazy that was a weird night uh yeah it's weird that uh like the

people that called me i know i see i see something like uh for whatever reason they don't they don't start shit but once that first big piece of shit fucking comes public oh my god the dominoes will fall so yeah don't go there or to Toyota of San Diego. That's all I remember. And I thought, wow, that's weird they don't have a name. Anyway, let's get back to. This is the first night that you've ever done a podcast where we had to pull up another table for you to have a computer.

We didn't have to. I thought, wow, this would be comfortable because this is taller. This table stinks. We should have that table that you have over there. Well, it's not the table as much as it's now. You've got so much going on with emails and stuff that you need to get to that.

You have to have a computer while we broadcast. I know. I like it. And I'm standing up. I've been standing all day. My fucking, I feel varicose veins blowing out of my legs, but I've been standing because it's better than sitting.

And, uh, my fucking legs hurt yesterday. Uh, before all that bullshit at city council, I, uh, the fucking weather has been everything that unnerves me where normally I

would stay on my couch and like, fuck this day never existed. I'm just going to sit here and I'm going to wrap up and I'm going to watch Netflix. I'll watch House of Cards, both original seasons to prep for the new season. I'll spend 72 hours because the weather is misery and fucking sheets of rain. That night it rained night before last, just rained all night in that fucking tin can. Just loud in there when it rains,

it would be charming. Yeah. It would be if you weren't stuck in a fucking, there's no toilet in there. Oh, I only wake up cause I have to piss. Oh, it's really charming and quaint.

No. And I'm in stocking feet and I have to go back behind this slab to take a piss. Holding a magazine over your head. Yeah. My fuzzy socks all squishing up like sponges. So I wake up. It starts getting light around 6 o'clock. The light starts to – you can see light over the mountains.

And it's not for another hour that the sun actually comes out. Like 7.15, you can start to see the sun. We're in a bit of a crevasse here, a little dip of a valley. Yeah, somewhere in the six o'clock. I had to piss too bad. It's light enough. I went out. I brought the dog in I pissed

I made some fucking Fed the cats at the house I made some breakfast at the house Oh you came over to the main house Yeah The fucking cats don't come to me To get fed I get it

Yeah My food's in there I don't There's no pissing Or fucking Refrigerator or stove In the trailer It's a nice little place to read.

I put a fucking cooler in there finally because I came over. I got some lump fish caviar. I don't know. I don't know how food coloring is bad for you. Bingo says, you know, this would be a really good food if it weren't for the food coloring and the food coloring i have not taken a shit that was anything but a a dark dark bluish green since since i got that all that fucking caviar uh so i don't know what it does to you that's bad i don't think anything but if if whatever it does, I should have by now because I've eaten every day at least one jar of lumpfish caviar or wasabi. Capelin is that's the little stuff.

It's like a mess. Really tiny. Yeah. So the wasabi. Different grade. Black capelin. I opened. They're the really small ones, but I still have enough lump fish

that are bigger, and I still have the white fish and the salmon I haven't opened. I'm waiting like someone who's in a really shitty cheap caviar might come over and have a tasting with me. We should do one. We were going to do one. Alex came over. The only

guest I've had over here that I can fucking talk to because he's like me. All right, I'll have a drink, but I can't be around cigarettes because, dude, honestly, for the last two nights, I have waited for you to fucking leave and bingo to leave so I could go down and smoke a cigarette out of that pack that Evelyn left for me. Wait a minute. You're supposed to surrender that pack. No, first of all, you have to stop. You are a journalist. You cannot make yourself part of the story.

You're queering a science project when you think you're the one who has to break cigarettes or pull them out of your hand when you're drunk. You're ruining a science experiment. You have to let go of your fucking moral magnetism to change the outcome i'm in a trailer trying to do 30 days in the hole to see it's like star trek if you can do this and that's not not a variable for the layman at home who says, I could always curl up in a fucking pile of tin with a thick blanket

and just shiver away 30 days. Oh, wait, you need to have a friend in case you get weak that comes and steals your cigarettes. Did I steal them? I appreciate the offer. Did I steal them? I appreciate the offer. Did I steal them? No, but the point is I have to be able to be honest and say, the fact that Evelyn has left a full pack of Marlboro 100s,

which look cartoonish, they look as stupid as candy cigarettes. Somehow Marlboro 100s with the all red pack, but the long red pack, they look fake. But, oh, and two nights in a row i i found a lighter little tiny light blue lighter i'm like fucking taking that lighter down there and last night you you guys stayed in the the guest house little house yeah because we uh i'm like wow am i out of their view oh then i just Then I just said, fuck it. No. Going to bed.

Two nights in a row, I've planned on smoking. No. I'm going to fucking smoke one. I already smoked one I don't remember, supposedly. At least took a drag one. Might as well have one. How am I jamming you up if you smoked a cigarette? I'm saying you just started talking about, I saw your wheels turning.

Two nights ago, we talked about it. Three nights ago? No, no. Two nights ago, you said the cigarettes you were going to give back to Evelyn. I said, give them to me because I have an American spirit stash. I was lying. I like to have a cigarette around that I can have. I have not had it.

I will give you the pirate map to the safety sig of an American spirit. It's an American spirit. No, I don't even want to. It's an American spirit. I don't want to know. American spirit is something that you savor and you make it last four times. And there's one. This was one I would just take a few drags of and just throw away. And point being, I have not smoked because I walked the dogs yesterday morning. and we've been talking about doing this

this is when the weather was shitty and the fucking it was just it was raining all night and when it got down to a mist and i came in and i made breakfast and whatnot and i said you know what fuck this i'm just gonna embrace this like i still live in massachusetts and i'm a kid and i put on just globs of clothing yeah puffed out yeah yeah fucking thermal t-shirt sweatshirt leather jacket uh the scarf hat hat with the flaps gloves i want to come on What time was this? What time was this? It was still dark. It was probably. Jesus Christ, you're doing this and it's still dark?

It was probably 8.15, 8.20. But it was still like shitty, like gloomy. The clouds are like those mountains. Not mountains, the hills right there where we climb up. The clouds are like touching them. You know how the gorillas in the mist look? You know what I'm saying? Like the clouds are that low to the ground.

It's 8 in the morning. It's super overcast. Yeah. It's really, it's not very light and misty. And we're in a valley. Right. And you're walking through the, like, yeah. So I put on my fucking those clompy boots

I got from the other thrift store. Not your thrift store. That's the name of it. Your thrift store. Not Chaley's thrift store. Not Chaley's thrift store. It's your thrift store. Coming soon. And then Penny Lane. Penny Lane. I got those just a little too big kind of ankle high boots. I call them hobo shoes.

Ones you can kick off at TSA. Well, I got those fuzzy socks so they fit perfect with a regular pair of burner socks and then fuzzy socks. Burner socks, if you don't know, when I go to the UK or Australia or overseas,

anywhere, the laundry's going to be a pain in the ass. Even on the road. Anywhere laundry's a problem. You go to fucking Walmart, you get 10 pairs of socks for seven bucks that's 70 cents a day i'm that rich i have 70 70 cents you just peel them off and throw them right out the fucking car window and let everyone complain about it at city council i want burner sock man socks should not cost less than $9 because people

just men 18 to 34 throw them out of the back of their pickup trucks I walked from Safeway to the transfer station and I picked up 13 pairs of socks all with a DS monogram so I was

all comfortable and I go, this is not like, I thought I had the perfect situation going on with my feet. My feet get all fucked up. How? How are they fucked up?

Well, just the shoes I wear, I never know. They hurt. They crack. Anyway, they felt real comfortable even though they're heavy because they're fucking boots.

In the hobo boots. And I'm walking the dogs, at least to the horses, feed them goddamn horses. I'm going through like 10 pounds of carrots a week now. That's great. On the four horses, or three horses and a donkey. And the dog is, he was the last one to come to you, and now he's a wicked asshole. He can eat, he's like Ichabod versus Henry. He eats really fast while that other horse is still chomping

and he's sticking his nose through for more. And then I said, fuck it. We're not going to do our usual loop. We're going to go up. I'm just thinking... It was almost as hard as climbing that fucking mountain in Pinos Altos. Just the initial climb.

Wait, this is different than like the cattle walk? When you go past the stables. Yeah. And we usually go straight. And then you can take a right to go uphill where the ATV track is. Kind of like you can tell. A slight trail. Yeah.

Yes. You know ATVs used to go that way and uh and i went and initially you follow that oh your fucking legs are burning but once you get to the top of that then it's oh my god you can see everything and valleys and then you go and i i've only done it once, and I got to what I knew was the road for the shooting range. And I called bingo because I remember it was Henry was new to our family, and it was bright sunshine. And even though she had all that energy, she's black. And so the fucking heat. And she was just, like, stopping walking.

I'm like, ah. Henry was tapping out? Yeah, I'm like, uh, Henry. Yeah. Was tapping out. Yeah. It's pouring water on her out of a bottle. I, at some point I texted you going, Oh,

I, right around this next hill. I should be at the shooting range. I hope. Well, that finally, when I get that next hill looks close, but then you,

Jesus fuck. How, how far is, when do we get around this fucking hill I finally get around the hill and I look the only landmark I know is the cell phone tower because what I'm doing there's a hill to the south of us and what I did is I went to the east of us, way down, climbed up a hill to get behind the hill that is just to the south of us. So now I'm way south of the house. And then I get around the hill and the only landmark is a cell phone tower right between us and the shooting range. And it's fucking miles away. It's like, oh, I thought I was going to be right at it. I have way overshot.

I took some weird wrong. There's all sorts of dirt paths down there. Listen, when you say ATV trail, it's barely that. It's usually a bunch of cows lumbering along single file. No, no. When you get over there, there's all sorts of trails, but some of them are dry riverbeds. some of them go to fucking mexico yeah just south of the uh shooting range is mexico basically i i at one point you go there's no way to get lost and i i switched back

and then i'm like i don't remember that Like, is that the one I came down? Because I'm like, oh, fuck. And then I started texting Chaley all these. Because I know Chaley's reading one of these old timey, not old timey, but survivor book, survivor stories, tales of survival. So I'm writing journeys, abandoned souls. Yeah. So I'm writing him these texts in like old englishy in the same language it was really weird it's the same language that i'm reading from like the 1600s yes very good and yay the path of providence has led me down the road of proverb

the road less traveled and now i can see in the future uh and my replies were like do you need a fucking ride or what yeah i appreciate what you were doing but at the same time like i i'm doing some shit here do i need to go find you in the desert it was it was a couple of hours of fucking and i was having a blast you know and the sun was out. By the time it was over, the sun's beating down on Henry again. I'm like, geez. The only reason I was... It had rained, so there's puddles around for the dogs to drink out of. Because I was not prepared.

I didn't have water. So there's puddles. Ichabod went swimming. There's one deep enough that he could... Over his head, he went swimming.'s one deep enough Over his head Came back wet I have no idea where the fuck I was going with that That's one and a half Manhattans

We used Wild Turkey 101 Because I went to Hey if you're gonna quit drinking Use a lot of booze 101 Hey uh You barely even drank that Ah fuck First of all we're not gonna do this Q&A Booze 101. Hey, you need to... What? You barely even drank that. Ah, fuck. First of all, we're not going to do this Q&A.

Hey, Nelson Potter, if you've been hanging around waiting, now we'll do this another time because we're already at fucking... We've got to be at 40 minutes or something. Yeah, we're over that. Hey, why don't we record... What are we at? Why don't we record it and send it to him? All right, let me fucking blast through some emails.

And get back to me about that Peldma podcast. Don't fuck with the guy, but I don't know. Or don't. I don't care. Send me more fucking limericks and send me John Bobbitt jokes and don't understand I'm being sarcastic. What? What?

What? Say thank you to that guy. Oh, Chew. Is it Chew or Chewy? Chew. Some guy sent us some weird shit. A plastic horse head from a hobby horse. With new in a bag. Yeah. In case you need to put a horse's head in someone's bed. Maybe we talked about that, and I'm forgetting that it's a callback to a joke.

And then he sent me a hoop that sits over. A basketball hoop that you put on the back of the door, your closet door. Thank you. Very nice. Thank you very much. Yeah. I think someone else probably sent some shit and I, I don't remember cause we've had a busy couple of days.

That's the guy, this guy. Oh, a. So you're going to read some emails. Yeah. I'm going to read these very quickly and we'll get the fuck out. I have a very good song to close with hang on hey doug i just bought a poster from your website is wondering if you

could inscribe it something like help i'm stuck in a trailer we'll trade bingo for two american spirits and a case of lump fish caviar. I want to say thank you. I appreciate the fact that you remember details and you're listening to the podcast daily. It's just when people say, hey, will you sign this thing and will you inscribe it with this? It's almost like telling you like what listen when you go on stage tonight will

you tell a joke and here's how it's worded like if i was gonna write something like about fucking trailer i would have to come up with that myself to write what you said would. It's almost the same as me telling a joke on stage that you told me to tell the way you want. It's something false about that. So what you're going to do is you're going to get a poster that just says Doug Stanhope in the worst fucking like you can make out the D and the S. And that's my that's my signature. And I try to change it. And on tour, the answer is...

Remember, one person has the one where I just printed Stanhope. Oh, you didn't even give that out? I tried to... I attempted, like, maybe I should just write Stanhope. Because I go by Stanhope. And I printed... It's unique enough, my printing. At least you can understand what it says.

I like what you got because both Bingo and I know how to forge it really good. How about this? If you're going to get a fucking tattoo, if I have to sign your body and you're going to get a tattoo, let me just print Stanhope the way I'd print it because my signature is so illegible that I'm embarrassed. Good point. All right, let's fucking move on. Yeah, sir, you're just going to get a signed thing. By the way, on tour, the answer is no

because the first person who gets something written personally, like, could you just say, like, hey, this is because you're a fucking asshole. What I do, i have moves that's i want to fuck i want to fucking sit down with fucking rogan and burr and all the fucking comics and just sit and just have a round table okay that'd be great what do you do a swap cast a swap cast i don't even know I want this to be underground In a fucking VIP bunker Like Hitler's bunker

You fucking assholes Like the place where David Letterman goes to dinner After the show every night Yeah just sit down and just Alright here what do you do Cause you can't sit there and write Oh can you make it to Tony And tell him to go fuck himself?

And, you know, if he hadn't lost an eye, he might have. I know. How about just my signature sloppy for a reason to get it done in a hurry. All right. This email. Wow. God, fuck you. If he hadn't lost an eye.

Everyone. Hey, Doug, how's it going? I thought you had a folder and you were ready to go. Oh, shit. Yeah. No, I have. See, we should have printed these out. We should have printed these out.

Here's the guy. Here's that guy. No, I should have been looking there. Hey, with the name Hooker, the limerick pretty much wrote itself. Okay. Thanks for not taking full credit, you fucking asshole. All right, this is a good one. Paycheck.

This is from the podcast two nights ago. Paycheck is the the the uh subject hey was that a real commercial no no paycheck hey was that a real commercial for zipip Zoo apparel how dare you get paid for your time energy and talent sarcasm yeah yeah like no no we we know things he's being sarcastic like of course

you should get paid to do Zip Zoo apparel cover I want to hear that fucking I want to hear that clip because I was laughing my balls off after I put music behind it. What do you think? This is some kind of blah, blah, blah. Enjoying the podcast.

Thank you. No, no. As the zip zoo apparel, I was just thanking them. You actually enjoyed the shirt. Yeah. I thought it was. I washed that shirt. It shrunk.

It's going to fit. Great. Thank you. They said, hey, if it's too big, we'll send you a medium. You're no need. It's going to be be great and it was a cool t-shirt and since i had just talked about that and we're going to break and i don't have enough fake commercials i riffed the fucking zip zoo apparel and that commercial is now in our uh folder of run commercials all right well i was gonna say well run that but we already took our break. So you're going to have to run

something that we've already run. But yeah, tomorrow, run the fuck, run Zip Zoo again. Zip Zoo, you also gave me stickers and I did, you're the second sticker

on my new trash can. And if you sent me stickers in the past, send me more because, because that trash can that was covered in stickers from you guys zip zero apparel your fucking stickers suck shit it's full color it's a street in new york or

something we need a vinyl sticker i know it's elements hey doug where do they send those stickers it's 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85-3 Send it to Doug Okay Is that a Zoom reference? Yes, it was a Zoom reference I was talking about Zoo And Zoom came to mind Alright, this guy I just wanted to mention Michel Thien

I guess he must be fucking Dutch or something Kind of takes the fun out of it That's a long email. He signs it Mish or Mike for the American crowd. You're either French or Dutch or something. He says he's addicted to the weed. Doesn't use the word addicted. He's not a douche.

But yeah, he's had a really hard time not throwing his life away just on the sticky green and uh so instead of getting into a fucking tin can tuna can 6x12 trailer he moved to china and i fucking i like that i'm not going to read the whole thing uh but yeah he said fuck it he. He moved to China. Not on a whim. He did some research. And he's getting by. How do you just move to China, though? He didn't just. He did some research and planning.

But my point is, you need money. Our prosecutor, Jason Lindstrom, who's been on the podcast with Betty, Mayor Betty, he fucking moved to China. He been on the podcast with Betty, Mayor Betty. He fucking moved to China. He just got fed up with all the bullshit here. What did he do over there? Taught English. Oh, it's good. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, that lasted about, I think, a year. He was either moving back here or his family was moving back here and he could stay like his family's he's got two young kids at the time like fuck this the fuck out of here so yeah i got yeah that's very cool that's ballsy i i wish you put your age very exciting he said for the last eight or nine years i've been an avid consumer of all things sticky green and haven't got myself to a point. The point is eight or nine years. So he has to be at least 25. Is that weed? Sticky green? Yeah. I would assume. Yeah. No, you and I are both very ill-equipped to deal with the...

Oh, and I know it's weed. I just thought maybe I'd come up with a joke there. I'd assume, unless it's, and I had nothing. So I just went, I assume. So the guy's got to be. I mean, that's fucking ballsy as shit. I remember when I moved to Idaho when I was 20, just because it sounded like a funny place to live. We threw a dart at a map. It didn't hit anywhere near Idaho.

I think it hit Wyoming. It hit something that was nothing in the western states. There's not even a town. But we just started looking at the map after that. Fucking Idaho. That would be funny. But China. That's a whole different fucking ball of earwax.

Jesus Christ. It's a funny email. It's talking about he doesn't have to smoke anymore. He just walks past a factory and inhales. Hang on. Being used to. Anyway. I just walked past a construction set

on Monday and almost immediately the dusty lump in my throat took on the distinct taste of iron associated with blood hey well good on you your 30 days in the hole is way longer and way more intense than mine

good luck to you mish wherever you're from i hope you're not french don sanchez is this the last one no there's one more don sanchez cheap ass home doug on episode 11 of your rehab podcast you mentioned a cheap home on the market near you i'm assuming you own it i'm also assuming it's constructed of mud and grass then he goes on to say i'm 32 and i'm i own all caps own my own home i'm not bragging well yes you are all caps on own is bragging i don't that's so yeah he's uh he's saying he can buy that fucking house no i don't, that's, so yeah, he's saying he can buy that fucking house. No, I don't own that house.

I think we met, hopefully, the people that are going to buy that house because we vetted them and they know us and we know they're friends. But yeah, it's kind of in the fucking heart of the compound and I'm trying not to buy it because that means i'd have to go back on the road which i'm going to go back on the road anyway but i don't want to have to go back on the road ah someone's looking cheap someone's looking at the murder house so yes he's i think we've been over that in a podcast uh the murder mansion thinking about investing in that huh well i think you better invest in the earplugs.

Some garlic. There's still a for sale sign. He says that he could just buy it outright. I don't buy anything on credit. I just pay cash. If I pull the trigger, I'll buy it outright, and it's just me and my tiny dog. I don't care for people too much, so that might be a selling point.

Don Sanchez, don't. We don't care for braggards. We don't care for bragging outlanders. What you got there with that tiny dog? Nothing but problems. You bury that around here. Alright. And what's the creepiest

place you've had cocktails in Boston? The fucking hotel I was at. I've never drank in Boston other than some comedy club. No, we were at the theater last time. Yeah. Yeah.

And the by the time you Yeah, yeah. And the... Yeah, by the time you're fucking done at Bazzi, you forget it closes up so early. No, no. Remember, there was a show before you, a female black comic, and then that was the night Pearl India did a set. Yeah, well, there's a...

Come on, you fucking cunt. This is where computers get fucking broken around here. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. It's not even... Just relax. That's why we need to print these out beforehand. Perfect example. Ichabod, deaf.

See? Went right to the door. My dog walks. When I say fucking, I mean it. My dog is trying to get out the door. When I see Ichabod move, there's a disturbance in the forest. It doesn't matter. Fuck this.

Because the last guy, it was just someone just sent me a link to a story. And I don't even. It was about a guy who just got arrested, who worked in the United Arab Emirates. If you weren't listening to that podcast when I was talking about going to the Maldives. Maldives? Maldives? Maldives. All right. Someone gave me shit about how I pronounced it,

so I'm just going to stick with one of the two. You're just going against what I say because I pronounce everything incorrectly, apparently. The point is, I said all the flights I could find were going through United Arab Emirates, either Abu Dhabi or Dubai, and all the shit i've ever talked on the internet about fucking muslims and the prophet muhammad i don't even

want to risk a fucking layover and i a couple of stories i'd heard and someone emailed me a link to a news story just the last couple days some Some guy that was working over there, like a helicopter repairman, private contractor, and he was getting fucked over by his company in the United Arab Emirates, went on some fucking tirade on Facebook when he got home. They weren't paying him, and he said something about fucking filthy Arabs, this and that. Well, then he goes back over to try to

get his fucking money and see where his job stands and he gets a call from the fucking abu dhabi police come down and talk to us please we have your check what's it about oh we're talking yeah so he got fucking arrested for slandering uh several charges They dropped the blasphemy charge, which was just beheading. Just one of the charges was saying something bad about management. Yeah. No, that's the way they do it. So he's got like a GoFundMe going just to pay for his fucking lawyer.

They let him out on bail, but they take away your passport. He can't leave. Yeah, we should do. What was that? Let's do some Argo shit. That's what I want to fucking do. Like, if you were at all a decent cult, this fucking break this down. Oh, wait, we're recording.

It doesn't matter. Because as I'm watching all this fucking let's do, we're going towards this song. We're going to close on this. All this fucking nitwits. Like if I, I would love to sell a show just based on this, but take it to the next level where I try to start a cult.

Cause I do have what you call a cult following of you guys and it's just fails at every fucking turn because you just don't take simple direction I'm like the I'm like Colonel Clink of my own cult and it's just a, what are you doing? No, I said, don't send me limericks. We're trying to get this guy out of fucking Abu Dhabi without a passport. Now we're going to go over there. Not Abba Dabba Doo. What was it? What was it?

What? Was it Yabba Dabba Doo? Yabba Dabba Dooba doo yabba dabba that's flintstones flintstones whatever all right i haven't written the pilot i just well you haven't seen tv in a while yeah all right fucking yes okay right down here abba dabba doo if i if i had a show idea and i really i i thought about this a lot today as i was thinking about a million other things all in the same thought. If I had a show idea like that, I wouldn't even know who to pitch it to. I'm so far away from even the business end of comedy, like that Hollywood bullshit where you go, comedy's not good enough anymore.

I have to do something other than that to prove my success. Can you farm? Yeah, I wouldn't even know who to talk to. I didn't pitch an idea anymore. Do you still do that? Do people pitch ideas for shows? Because I thought it would be funny to try to talk to the fucking limerick writing guy or pitch the, yeah get a cult and everything i say they do the opposite

they're fucking devoted they certainly won't leave me alone on fucking social network they come by my house they send gifts they send a fucking horse head a brand new horse head from a hobby horse not the rest of the hobby horse just just the head still sealed in plastic not even the rung that goes through the head that you'd hold on to if you were a child holding on to a hobby horse with a post-it note that says in case you want to put a horse's head in someone's bed they're that i could start a cult but it would be the least dynamic cult you've ever read about it's a fucking you know let's stop this podcast and just run with that idea because i still have two-thirds of a manhattan i'm done this is i want another one this fucking two drink thing yeah

is fantastic really is just we're going to go eat. Just enjoying a buzz. Enjoying a drink and going, slow burn a buzz. Don't want to hammer your way into... All right. I'm going to close. I got to close her. Wait.

But I want to say, doesn't Hennigan check doors like a hobo through a neighborhood to try and get you all this? I get a close. Okay, I'm cutting that out. Yeah, that's why I was trying to wave you off and say I get a close. No, your instincts were right. It works right from what I was talking about, which is the fucking density of my cult. It's a fucking brilliant idea. Can you imagine?

Just picture like a Panamint Springs, a Burning Man kind of boot camp. I do every day. Where I call, like I've decided to make this, I'm burned out in this fucking thing. I got nothing left, but all these people still revere me from the old days. And I go, i'm starting a cult and i bring everyone to the desert it's like fight club where you have to stand on the

porch but it's all these fucking doofuses just imagine the biggest doofus of every show all showing up together it's like stripes all right imagine stripes Imagine stripes. Dewey Oxberger. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm pitching this right now. It's just, it's stripes after Sergeant Hulka. It's.

All right. As we go into the song to close this, this is perfect. And I'm going to put on my reading glasses. Cause I had to write this down. This was not an email. This was a tweet. Last night's podcast that was a prerecord that we tricked you and scammed you on

and burned you for all your money. Oh, okay. Hang on. Word of the day. Oh, fuck. What's a word of the day? You were on that. Let me pause it. Yeah, pause it. Word of the day. Oh, fuck. What's a word of the day? You were on that. Let me pause it.

Yeah, pause it. Hit it. Pretend we never had to pause, but I did find one very quickly. Sublimate. S-U-B-L-I-M-A-T-E. Sublimate. Sublimate is to transfer the force

of an unacceptable inclination or impulse to a pursuit considered proper or wholesome so if i had an unacceptable inclination like i am going to go smoke a fucking mulbro 100 full of toxic fucking waste and gases. When I was walking those goddamn dogs all the way out through the fucking to the trying to find the shooting range for hours, I thought I feel so goddamn good. And I hope I remembered this when I want to smoke a cigarette after having two fucking horny Marys or whatever the fuck we're having at night. I hope I remember. Yeah remember yeah you're gonna be so

happy if you do not smoke a cigarette so if i were to sublimate my desire to have a cigarette and put that inertia how about that right yeah that force into uh uh finding susan. Blackford's house and masturbating on the turd I left in her mailbox. Something that's wholesome. All right, sublimate. That is the word of the day. And now let me get back to my cult already building. Would you fucking join my cult?

Tell me you would. And only once. I get too many people that are tweeting me too many times a fucking day. Someone wrote this about last night's song was a mattoid song. And it was Hey Dude Hey Dude, where you going with that harpoon in your hand? The mattoid is

from Finland, up there at the Arctic Circle-ish part of the world and this guy tweeted at Doug Stano Parts of Hey Dude by the mattoid sound like a

fucked up version of hey Joe by Hendrix what parts of it somehow in that song that is hey Joe by Hendrix written as a Finnish

parody hey dude where you going with that by Hendrix written as a Finnish parody. Hey, dude, where you going with that hapun in your hand? I'm going to hapun my old lady. I got her messing around with another Eskimo man. Yeah, it's fucking, hey, Joe, a Finnish parody from Finland. See? Because they're the Arctic... And you surmise...

Like, if you listen real close, it's almost... Like, if you did play Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon, but... If you play Dark Side of the Moon but if you play Dark Side of the Moon

and you time it right with the video of them playing Dark Side of the Moon yes! it will sync up yeah you fucking nailed it sir and I want you to be a

capo in my fucking cult guilty, guilty as charged alright And I want you to be a capo in my fucking cult. Guilty. Guilty as charged. All right. Let's talk more about... Remind me to talk more about cult tomorrow because I really like where this is going. But I know where it's also going into a two-drink drunk,

and I don't want that reputation. Maybe Harvey Wallbangers tomorrow night? Maybe not. You have to stay tuned this uh song uh a lot of people the song uh night before last was uh no children by the mountain goats and i was afraid too many people knew it and i wasn't showing but i fucking asked you to tell me if you hadn't heard it and a lot of you are now turned on to no children by the mountain ghosts. And that makes me feel proud.

Like I had something to do with singing or writing that song, this song, I have to fucking change it up. Cause I don't want you to get no, I want no patterns here. This is a song. Hopefully the Beatles, the only good song they ever did.

Hey, bulldog. I gave you that one. Hopefully I turned you on to something uh new from someone old and i'm going to do that again i'm going with the rolling stones this time but hopefully you don't know this song because it's one of my favorites uh it's uh keith richards actually sings this and if you're a comic the fuck just just just the chorus has to make you feel. I better walk before they make me run. That's a song.

Before they make me run, Rolling Stones, enjoy. and side shows of Twilight Zone I'll only fail if I lose all of my and it really ain't all Losing pills and powders that can choose your medicine It's another good batch, another good friend

So after all is said and done Gotta move while it's still fun Let me walk while they make me run After all is said and done I gotta move, it's still fun I'm gonna walk before they make me run Watch my tail end straight There ain't a dryer in the house

Still livin' and singin' We go to dancin' and drinkin' I'm trying to try in the house, still laughing and singing. We go to dancing and drinking as I lay down. I'm going to find my way to heaven, because I didn't have time to help. I wasn't looking too good, but lost, feeling real well So after all this said and done Gotta move or have my fun Let us walk before they make us run guitar solo After all we said and done I didn't hide and have my fun I will walk before they'll make me

I will walk before they'll make me I will walk before they'll make me I will walk before they'll make me run So every time we sit and dance I gotta move my head, my foot So every walking ball, they'll make me run So every walking ball, they'll make me run I want to walk for that bad man's eyes I want to walk for that bad man's eyes I'm out.