The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 17 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: March 6, 2015

DAY 17A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug celebrates Chaille's birthday and goes off the rails.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 05, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-The Trial of Colonel Sweeto and Other Stories- http://amzn.to/1MfURem  MISHKA SHUBALY UK DATES - http://www.mishkashubaly.com/events/Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Poor, Poor Pitiful Me” by Warren Zevon. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This is the Rumspringer, Rumspringer podcast. Hey, guess who's off their period or on their period? I don't know. It's Greg Chaley's goddamn birthday. So this rehab just went out of rehab. And honestly, it's only like four or five drinks in six hours. We're fucking hammered. And we need a bottle opener.

Oh, I got a bottle opener. Please hold. Fuck. I don't. You don't have one. No, we don't. Oh, look. This is on my table of props.

Check this out. Check this out. Corkscrew bottle opener. Male, female. Yeah, yeah. It holds together. Jesus. Shit, I dropped the one I needed.

God damn it. I don't have a drink. Here, hit pause. Hit pause. Hit the cut. I know where it is. Please hold. All right, we found all our equipments, including a beer, a lighter, and an ashtray.

This is the key to quitting smoking. Do not be afraid to smoke. quitting smoking. Do not be afraid to smoke. Honestly, after last night's podcast, today is the day 17 podcast. And yeah, after last night's podcast, I had that fucking pack of cigarettes. Evil E, Gretchen, left a pack of cigarettes. We took one night off. We went to Pino Salto's. We spent some bromance time, me and Chaley, reading books. Man silence. Man silence. It was fucking wonderful.

And when I got back into my fucking tin can rehab trailer, Evil E had been in there and left a fucking full pack Of Marlboro 100s Saying I came by to temp you She misspelled She didn't put the last T on tempt Temp you And I left those in there

And then last night I smoked one I talked to Brendan fucking Walsh On the telephone He's smoking cigarettes I was drunk off two drinks. Actually, three drinks at that point. Manhattan.

But I was drunk off two Manhattans. Now we're shit-faced off four, five drinks, whatever. It's Chaley's birthday. The one in your hand is the fifth one. Well, that's full. It's not been touched. My lips have notched. My lips have notched.

All right. So I went off the rails. I smoked a cigarette. Then I took that pack of Marlboro 100s, put it back in Evil E's mailbox over on Hazard, and said, Just so you know, you did not tempt me whatsoever. That's why I'm returning this pack of cigarettes. Unopened. Untouched with every cigarette accounted for. Even though there's one missing.

It's open and there's a cigarette butt. And a lighter in it. In the envelope. So yeah. I smoked a cigarette. That's the thing. The key to quitting smoking cigarettes. Is if you fuck up and you smoke,

don't go, well, I ruined it, so now I'm a smoker again. No, just you smoked a cigarette. Yeah, and then you still are quit. Now I'm smoking one more cigarette to prove the point. So in less than 24 hours, that's three. Whatever. The point is, now I go into deep cover

tomorrow. Either way. Deep cover tomorrow? Yeah. You won't see me again. Double secret probation? You used your birthday to finagle me. Alright. Gretchen drove us home.

Alright, let's get to some beats. I have some notes. All right. Gretchen drove us home. All right. Let's get to some beats. I have some notes. And there's some people. Whoever sent this fucking T-shirt. I thought it was actually maybe this T-shirt already existed. Someone sent. Hang on.

Hold it up. Rape trailer. Yeah. Someone who knows their business sent here. This will go out. The rape trail. That's 100%. The rape trailer t-shirt.

You're a fucking, you're a wizard, sir. That's good. Because I, you pushed my hand. You have forced my hand into wearing this in public. I remember getting shit. We're actually coming back with the abortion is green. Someone actually got my face wearing the abortion is green. Like aggro.

In line to board a plane where you're like, do you really want to get on this plane? You want to start a fight? And you're drunk or buzzed going onto a plane where you're like, do you really want to get on this plane? You want to start a fight? And you're drunk or buzzed going onto a plane. It was daylight. It was, yeah. So you had sushi and you were buzzed. Right. Either way, the guy, he shut his fucking mouth quickly

because I started throwing down some facts as far as I'm concerned. Saying it with confidence is everything. All right, what else is in the fucking notes? Because we've got to make this quick, because we're too drunk. Yeah, I gave you notes. What did you go over so far? Hang on.

Gifts. No, you have more gifts. Yeah, yeah. The other thing, this is the one I have to plug. Oh, that book, I gave it to Gretchen. This fucking thing. This guy actually, he sent this a while ago. And I looked through it and I go, oh, this is not actually from a Bible school.

The Perry Bible Fellowship. What's it called? It's called The Trial of Colonel Suido. And it looks like a children's. It looks like the cover of Chutes and Ladders, that game. But. Candyland. Candyland.

Yeah. It's so fucking funny. I knew it was funny and it wound up down with you. And fortunately, that guy emailed me and said, hey, did you ever get that? I'm like, oh, the thing. Yeah, it's down at the other house. And I grabbed it. And I fucking read it on the shitter this morning.

I just said. All I can say, fucking go out and find the trial of Colonel Sweden. Like my fan base can spell Colonel. There's no R in it. I'll give you, that's a hint. Wait,

I thought it started with a K and other stories. It's fucking brilliant. It's a, yeah, it's this guy. He probably doesn't exist anymore. This guy probably killed himself, but it's fucking excellent. And there's other shit that came in.

I was going to try to address everyone, but those are the two things I have to address. And now let's move on to God damn it. I've had a good life for the last two weeks. to god damn it i've had a good life for the last two weeks and then yeah this 28 hour period has ruined everything but don't worry i'm going right don't don't be afraid to smoke exactly all right you didn't you didn't i started smoking gate no you smoked a fucking cigarette or two don't worry about it fucking go right back to where you were that's what rehab's all about don't go oh oh i i did i did the wrong thing so i'm gonna buy fucking eight cartons and eight cases of beer i'm going off the rails no you just yeah I'm on a diet. You know what? I ate a gummy bear.

So now, obviously, I can't control my diet. So I'm just going to go sit at Gus the Greeks and eat pizza after pizza because I ate a gummy. No, just fucking go back to good. Jesus. There's a chance he might not serve you. You could still be on your diet. That fucking...

Alright, I have your notes here that you told me at dinner. I'm going to just go ahead because you've got some angst working up. What? Alright, Lindy text. Oh, this... Gretchen.

Gretchen was... Alright, this is Oh, this Gretchen. Gretchen was all right. This is so good, Gretchen. All right. This is Lindy, Whiskey Girl's sister. All right. So she was listening to my dumb thing I did at city council. The call to the public that you did that was on last night's podcast. We put that on.

Yeah, that went out. You can listen to the three that you did that was on last night's podcast. We put that on. Yeah. That went out. Three minute three. Three. Oh, one. OK. OK. So.

So, Lindy, Whiskey Girl sister, is it up in Wyoming? Shush. Why is that woman talking? I don't know. She should be making drinks. I know. God damn it. No, no.

We're trying to do this without fucking. This is why we print it out. God damn it. And you refuse to do it. Lindy, here we go. This is, we don't want to, Chaley should not have to edit. I wish. Okay, that's what the next one. This is from Lindy.

I wish the following conversation was made up. I was listening to you rant on and on about plastic bags in a video on Facebook. Cut to her daughter, who's like three or six or four. Six. I don't think. Not three. It's not three. They're still, they're not older than five. Okay, then five.

The older one, obviously. Hollis, he's saving children, Mom. That's a big deal. I had no idea bags could kill us, and he's getting rid of bags. Is he the best person? getting rid of bags is he the best person and then she says um no hollis and hollis says oh well he's a loud talker see i'm reaching people with my art you're trying you're trying and then the first thing someone someone superficially related to you says is, no, he's not a good person.

The first thing she says is, no. Yeah, that's the first thing she says is no. And then the next thing is texting me the entire transcript of the conversation where she said no. You know what? Here's where I told my daughter, you're not a good person. This is an exact transcript. That will be, the entire transcript will be available on DougStanhope.com.

All right. The other thing I wanted to say, and during that diatribe, I saw a segue and now it's gone. But today someone did tweet. Has anyone noticed that Doug Stanhope seems to be dropping some Bill Burr where he pauses before a word and then accentuates the word? Absolutely. I have to fucking, I've caught myself so many times because i binge listen to bill burr podcasts when we're on the road we'll listen to three four months of bill burr in four

or five days of just yeah constant on the road okay more bill burr bill burr so yeah anytime there's a boston accent my father used to say and so i do that around the house and i've caught myself doing it on the podcast where i go oh fuck don't you can't affect a boston accent yeah yeah absolutely where were you born what Worcester! Hey, everybody. It's Bill Burr. This is a Monday morning podcast. I've been out on the road, and it's fucking killer!

I've found where I can do a perfect Bill Burr if I'm shit-faced enough. But yeah, no, absolutely. Yes. I try to not be Bill Burr. When I fucking started doing comedy, I tried not to sound like Andrew dice clay. And now I try to not sound like Bill Burr on the podcast.

That's why I have to have Chaley here. Cause if I talk by myself, I would be weird. I don't. All right. I'm I talk by myself, I would be weird. I don't. All right. I'm trying. Now I'm trying.

All right. What's up, everybody? It's a fucking it's a Bill Burr podcast. That's February 29th. There's no February 29th. All right. It's a Thursday. It's a Thursday night. Yeah.

It's everything was great out there. I went to Singapore Yeah Everything was great out there I went to Singapore And it was great I was in Mumbai You didn't like that I was angry Bill Burr I was fucking angry at you No when I told you

Because you said something about it And I said no no yeah Bill Burr Oh I was angry that he was at Because I booked that weird flight to singapore and didn't take it and and you go oh bill burr was just in singapore but no no he tried to go see that that no that's well we listened to the fucking last four podcasts when we up went up to the mountains and no that was a hotel there's a swimming pool in the airport oh I did say that. Yeah.

Well, you were wrong. I was wrong. The point is, he was talking about going to a point is he went to fucking Singapore and then he went to fucking Mumbai and we listened to him and he's so positive. He's like, and he's talking about it the same way I would talk about India. The thought of going to India is so repulsive to me. It's just crowded fucking nonsense and kidney stealing and all sorts of shit.

And he's like, I'll go back. You can hear him describing it, knowing he fucking hated every living, but he's doing it positive. No, no, you hated everything you're saying is how awful it is. No, but the people were great, so I'll definitely go back. Fuck you. Yeah, you will go back, but you hated it and you won't admit it.

I hate positive people when you don't mean it. So you catch yourself talking like Bill Burr and now you're repeating the Bill Burr podcast. Smoking a cigarette. Hey, people, it's a, Hey, let me get to some copy here. Sorry. I'm enjoying the fuck out of the cigarette. Was that inhale?

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm smoking a goddamn American spirit that Chaley put away for me in case I panicked. And all right. Yeah. You're welcome. Hey, you know what? Anyone who got cancer from smoking three cigarettes in a month, please contact me and tell me that.

Warn me about the downfalls. Tell them how it turned out. Alright. There's one more note in there. Or maybe there's not. Mishka UK dates. Oh, fucking Mishka Shibali. Hey, remember back when this podcast was only weekly

and it started with... No, I don't remember that. Potato peelings in the sink did not turn into vodka as I had hoped. Am I the only one drinking tonight? Fuck, Mishka Shibali, I can vouch for his entire repertory of songs. He's coming to the UK. And if you don't go see him in the UK, I'm not coming back.

How about that? Yeah, I double dare you. So, yeah, he'll be in. Chaley's looking it up. So, yeah, Mishka will be there. I'm going to fall down. I'm going to have to go into fucking double, double hibernation tomorrow. Work on taxes.

Don't fall back into those old habits, Danny. Hope. Don't let Brendan Walsh smoking via telephone. Queer you into Life of a Do you want to read these? No The dates Just put the dates out

It's Chaley's birthday We have to close on that It starts March 9th in London Goes to Brighton Where in London? Give me the fucking website Give me the website Mish A club called TB. Give me the website. Mishkasubali.com.

All right. Yeah, figure that out. Mishka. Yeah, it'll be in the show notes. Yeah, and Shubali, S-H-U-B-A-L-Y.com. But it starts March 9th, and it ends up March 23rd. Hug him. Hug him after the show and say, Hey, Doug Stanhope told me to hug you.

And based on the amount of hugs, that will be my next trip after another country I can't mention that's going to be in June. That's close to us up north. There's probably about 15. No, there's about 12 dates here. March 25th is the last date. That's my birthday. Your birthday. Yeah.

And it features guest, special guest, Kate O'Riordan from the Pogues. Oh, your wife just went, oh, shut the fuck up. The Pogues. No, she just friended, like a friend request to Kate because of Mishka. All right. All right. And that's your birthday. Yeah.

Yeah. This is why we have the, you remember that bullshit podcast we had about the baseball? It was a bullshit, but it was, we didn't do it that day. That's why we, we would have dropped that right now. But instead we have to do a drunk podcast because we're fucking drunk. And it's Chaley's birthday. He's almost 50 fucking years old. I'm 48 in three weeks, and that's 50.

I've been saying I'm 50 for a year. Just getting it over with. I'm 47. That's the same as 50, and it's fucked. You can't all be Gretchen. Is there any difference between now and 20 years ago? Yeah. 20 years ago, I remembered stuff.

I had some ambition. That's not you walking around now during the day. That's like you scrubbing the bathroom to a sparkle clean. Yeah, I bleached the fucking bathroom. It's a filthy fucking bathroom. Yeah, it is. So, yeah, I bleached the bathroom. There's a difference in you now.

Yeah, I'm a fucking dude. I'm an old dude. I'm a homeowner. 20 years ago, I guess you were living in your car. I guess. Yeah. Yeah, it's a big difference. And then I was a renter and now I'm a homeowner.

It doesn't feel like you're 50 though, right? No, it's a fucking. It's ridiculous life. It's all a number until the number is 50 and you're like, oh, that's an awful number. Unless it's a coin flip. It's an awful number. So, yeah, I'm fucking terrified. But this American

spirit has lasted this entire podcast. And when I put it out, I know it's American spirits. What you smoke on your way to quitting smoking. That's it, by the way. We're dry after this. Yeah, I know. Not that I'm going to interfere, but

apparently my interfering has worked out tonight. Again, don't be afraid to fucking panic and smoke a cigarette. If you're quitting smoking and you're like, I gotta smoke. Well, smoke. I did that last night, and then it was out of my system. I slept.

I've never slept better without drugs, no Xanax. I slept fucking like took the edge off. So you don't need to smoke again for what? Another 18. I didn't feel guilty in the morning. I felt like, hey, I'm going to go stuff these cigarettes up Evelyn's ass. Funny.

I dropped it off in her fucking mailbox and everything's good. Fucking someone sent me a book. I'm just looking at shit. Something about body language whoever sent me one of these things i don't know if it's a rape trip someone sent a letter that i is is in the house how i like i changed their life i actually took it to heart i I get these fucking things. Are you going to get it? Oh, good.

Oh, is that? That's not it? No. Anyway, someone sent a letter with one of these fucking things, and it actually affected me. So thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

Listening to you for fucking 20 years, and you changed my outlook on stuff and you get that stuff and you got bullshit. You get enough of them. What word of the day? Oh shit. Fuck. Word of the day on a song.

All right. Hit pause. Yes. We don't. There's no pause. There's no pause. We'll take a break Yeah we're gonna take a break That's what hit pause means

Hey we're gonna take a break And we're gonna come back sober tomorrow No we'll be right back Bonjour I am Charlie Hebdo And you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, do you ever go to Bisbee, Arizona, and you want a free lunch? Go to Cafe Roca and ask for Keenan.

Keenan will give you salmon uh pizza flatbread all right you're really good at this yeah that won't hey what time are they open for lunch this is the word of the day all right fuck you you do a podcast every goddamn day all right uh this is the word of the day is uh deracinate deracinate deracinate that means to remove or uproot by force deracinate I am going to duracinate. All right. I don't even know. I can't even fake it. No, you're looking at it.

Fuck you. Read the example in the thing. You know, when I get to be your age, tell us what it's like to be closer to 50 than I am. Greg Chaley with your weird hair. People at the only night. Oh,

Gretchen, you'll love this. We're at cafe roca tonight we decided for busy fine dining for chaley's big birthday party we'll we'll go to uh we went to uh the only uh good steakhouse if you like to wear 70 suits is a 70 steakhouse about 15 miles out of town. It's called the bright spot. And it's, it's not, it's not bright at all,

but you can see where DUI laws ruined that place because it's halfway between here and Sierra Vista and it's everything 1970s. You, you could see your dad peeling out as you slid back and forth on the back seat with no seat belts. On the bench seat. Yeah, and no one cared that your dad had too many fucking. That he was wasted driving kids home.

Yeah. That was up until three years ago. So we ate there, and then we thought, well, let's go. Fred is the only guy I know as a bartender in this town that would be excited to make you an old fashioned, a Manhattan. And he is. I found him in the liquor section of at Safeway when I'm trying to find bitters and shit to make all this stuff. And I'm like, I'm drinking two drinks a day for this 30 day thing. So we're drinking a lot of old timey drinks.

And he's like, well, this is what you need. And he made me buy shit like, well, there's what's the vermouth? Well, for a Manhattan, you need the red vermouth. And then for other thing, you need the red vermouth. And then for other things, you need the... So I'm buying vermouth, which no one... That's going to... It'll last your lifetime. That bottle will last your lifetime. Exactly. And I have to buy two different kinds and they only have the biggest size. And I go, we were going to come to Cafe Roca and have you make us old-time drinks,

but I didn't want to bother you because they're a pain in the ass to make oh no no don't please come so we went there for chaley's birthday and fred is not working and now we have to bother that poor girl so it was awesome she was great she turned us on to the sidecar which we never would have ordered So we're talking to a guy named Lee, who's a Chinese. Customer. Yes. And he's sitting at the bar. He's a Chinese.

Work for the railroad, it turns out. What do you mean, racist? No, he wouldn't tell us where he works, right? Just assume he worked for the railroad. No he works for the government government railroad he drank a full bottle of wine and then drank a sidecar with us saying no no actually i have to drive back to sierra vista i'm like holy fuck i drank three drinks and i waited for gretchen to drive us home i don't fucking drive drunk i might cheat on cigarettes during rehab and even drinks during I don't fucking drive.

So yeah, that guy is probably on the side of the road. No, no. He's got diplomatic immunity. He's a million miler. He's a million miler. Exactly. He works for the fucking international. Yeah. He works for fucking Fort Huachuca. Yeah, that guy's he's deep

into some shit. He was dropping United Arab Emirates or something. He's dropping fucking frequent flyer miles. We talk like George Clooney. No, you two buddied up pretty good. The point is. It looked like a handjob under the bar for a second there. He's not worried about a DUI. No, no, no.

He fucking throws out some badge and says hey listen you know those drones yeah I make them watch you at but you know when you're fucking your mistress yeah my drone is outside your window the point is I'm not the drunk you're looking for so uh what was my point about Lee oh oh oh as I'm talking Lee, who's never been to Bisbee, he's all fantastic about it because he's been staying in Sierra Vista, which is some fucking... It's like, what's a town? Killeen, Texas, outside of Fort Hood. Sierra Vista is like pawn shops and box stores and shit.

It's the military town. So now he's at the... And I said, as I say this sentence, I say, well, Cafe Roca is the only fine dining establishment in Bisbee. And as the finish of this sentence comes out of my mouth... What's her fucking name?

Don't say her name. A server. Yeah. One of the servers. Yeah. That was bleeped. Comes behind the bar and yanks half of her tits out and goes. Does the wiggle thing.

Like holding her like each side of her breast. Yeah. Yes. A woman of our age, lesbian, raspy voice, lesbian. I go, this is the only fine dining establishment in Bisbee. She starts wiggling her tits at this poor Chinese. It was literally, as you said, Bisbee. Yeah.

That she was down like low. And it was like she's like look this is a finite place I'm gonna go low on this one so like looking down into the great all right you're gonna on the next podcast you are gonna hear

me you need a song with a lot of reticence is that the word my voice apologies yeah i'm gonna be sad coughing uh i i would immediately go to a recent story that happened here in town but i know i can't someone your boyfriend who felt remorse today yeah yeah spitting tefas all right yeah i can't wait to tell chad shank about that yeah oh hey guess what yeah guess what something went down i wasn't there everyone considered him the coward of the county but you could have heard a pin drop when Tommy stopped and locked the door.

Yeah, some shit went on we just heard about. That's what happens when you fucking lock yourself in a trailer. Shit goes down with people you could never have expected. All right, we're going to fucking close out on a song somewhere here. Shit, I left that thing. Don't worry. I get a fucking song. Should we just...

You know what? Let's fucking... I have to burn because we have some multiple artists and... I know what you're going to do. Yeah, no, I got to go Warren Zevon. And this is a song that like if i if i thought i could sing this is when i i if we had a band playing like we do for super bowl and i had to sing this would be i would try to do warren zeevon's version of poor poor pitiful me hit it it. me Poor, poor, pitiful me

Poor, poor, pitiful me These young girls won't let me be Lord have mercy on me Poor as me Well I met a girl in West Hollywood I ain't naming names But she really worked me over good She was just like Jesse James She really worked me over good

She was a credit to her gender She put me through some changes, Lord Sort of like a wearing blender Poor, poor, pitiful me Poor, poor, pitiful me These young girls won't let me be The Lord had mercy on me Oh, is he

Whoo! Whoo! Poor, poor, pitiful me Poor, poor, pitiful me But these young girls won't let me be Lord have mercy on me Oh, oh'm always me. I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar. She asked me if I'd beat her.

She took me back to the Hyatt house. I don't want to the hired house. I don't want to talk about it. Hot! Poor, poor, pitiful me. Woo! Poor, poor, pitiful me. Hot! Never mind.

Pitiful. Poor, poor, pitiful me. Bye.