The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 19 - #TinCanRehab

Episode Date: March 8, 2015

DAY 19A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking.  Bingo's seziure.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 07, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Mishka Shubaly UK Dates - http://www.mishkashubaly.com/events/ 
 Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “The Show Must Go On” by Three Dog Night. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We'll play that for our old pal Bingo Bingaman. We'll play that for our old pal Bingo Bingaman. Oh my gosh, did we have nothing to talk about on day 19 podcast? Just an ordinary day of nothing after another. Yesterday was fucking nothing. And then I thought, Jesus, we're going to have to do something weird. Fucking go kill a guy or something. Just have something to talk about.

And then our day brightened up when we heard Chad Shank was going to be in town because Bingo on her project, which we keep referring to but never embellish upon, Bingo's doing a video for one of her songs on her album that is yet to go out. But yeah, she's been spending the last several weeks planning with the Whiskey Girl's sister and husband that are flying down here at 6 o'clock tomorrow morning. They leave from Billings after a six-hour drive to the airport from fucking rural wyoming in the winter and uh bingo had uh she rented out the central school to uh film part of the video in and she had a bunch of the big big boys to move a peony and a move a piano like a full piano fucking only bingo bingaman could get people to move a piano in the laziest fucking town in america and they all showed up and uh i'm like oh shit well make sure you tell chad shank

after he's done moving that piano to come over here and do some uh bisbee police beat drops if not a full podcast which we'd get him to do the full podcast but if nothing else this place it's sorely lacking in some chad shank around here and uh so before he could get done moving the piano i get a call from joey he's also down there and that uh fucking bingo has had a seizure fucking landed right on her face in the fucking parking lot munched her melon well she's got she she hit it she She biffed it pretty good, Doug. She's going to have a lump there. It's a little bit of blood.

He goes, the ambulance is on its way. I go, why don't you just drive her to the hospital? It was a seizure. Well, she still isn't really talking now. I'm like, ah, fuck, I'll be right there. Joby has a way of making everything sound just fine. Well, she isn't really talking or anything. Oh, okay, I see.

Puts a bright spin on it. She's going to have a nice... She'll be sore for a little while. Oh, you mean she's going to need fucking eight stitches and a CAT scan. Gotcha. Yeah, she had no idea. She said to me, okay, listen, I realized I was filming a video,

but whose project is this? She had no... Whoa. Yeah, had no idea what was going on. Time travel. Yeah. So I showed up and they had her on the stretcher with the big neck brace. The gurney. Yeah. Yeah, and then they've got the collarer with the big neck brace.

The gurney. Yeah. Yeah. And then they've got the collar. Yeah. Just to keep her immobile. Yeah. And then the eye.

I tweeted pictures. It's fucking horrific. And I wish I had. I got some video of them stitching it up. But before they stitch it. Oh, it's hard to talk. Irrigate it. Right.

No, they put like a Novocaine, but it's in a shot. They jam a needle into the open wound and then start wiggling it all around. And I'm like, oh, God, it's fucking horrific. That would have definitely made it on Tosh.0. Just the stitches, I made Bingo say, say hi. Say Tosh.0 Bingo It was pretty graphic So you were right there while they were attending to her

In the hospital Closing the wound Yeah When I got my vasectomy Renee was with me And I didn't Because you just have a local anesthetic. So I was sitting, I was making cell phone calls. I was eating Fritos.

I had a bag of Fritos and a beverage. And so I'm just making calls and eating chips and not looking down. And then I'd look at Renee and she's looking down going, and I'm like, don't do that. Seeing you do that is the same as me looking down and doing that. Yeah. It's way worse. You can't really see that well.

And that's what I was doing to her. I like, I'm trying to, I'm trying to stare. Cause I know she has to go through it. So I, somehow I feel like I'm lightening the load by looking and I just, Oh,

turn away, turn away. So, yeah, we have no idea. And, yeah, she did have a seizure, like, last week. Just didn't tell anyone. No. So. Are you supposed to tell people when you have a seizure? I don't know.

I said, why don't you say anything? I forgot. Whatever. So, yeah, now she can't fuck it she's home she's got the her friends coming in whiskey girl sister and brother-in-law they'll be here uh tomorrow to uh they say hey maybe we can cheat around it well you'd be the phantom of the opera mask is the only thing unless you had some lighting where you just couldn't see the right side of her face.

Yeah. It's not like it's an award show. It's like they are controlling the lighting. Who knows? I think you can do it. I think you can do it. Yeah. Bingo.

If they say they can do it, bingo's up for it. It would look like a kick-ass makeup job. She's literally been spending 18 to 20-hour days prepping for this. Yeah. And they only have two and a half days to shoot it. So we'll see. In the meantime, I think I might get a fucking, what do you call it, R&R pass? I might get a fucking day pass.

For what? To fucking sleep inside tonight because she needs to be watched with the fucking seizuring. And she certainly can't fucking. She's sleeping in the goddamn trailer. That's for sure. Can we put a dog in there? I might get the dogs and the cats. What?

In the trailer? No, with Bingo. Oh, yeah. The dogs and cats will watch her. Well, after tomorrow, then she's got her dumb friends that they're they're staying there uh don't need something to do yeah and bingo can't drive like once you've had a seizure you can't drive until you get cleared by a neurologist and i don't know if we have a neurologist in a hundred miles we might have to call up uh our friends up in uh tucson the anesthesiologists and see if we can like force that issue to get her in to see someone i don't know i don't know i don't know

that's a couple of drives to tucson everyone was uh yeah yeah fuck that's right i have to do it too god damn it. There's got to be a really shitty neurologist down here that'll just wave anybody. Okay, yeah, you're good. Some kind of quack. Yeah. I wonder if the guy that gives you medicinal marijuana cards. You think that that is somehow someone who would actually be a neurologist? Well, he's just pushing paper.

He's just, okay, yeah, you need it. Okay, you're good. Yeah, but that would be like a general practitioner or like someone who has lab experience, not a neuroscientist or neurologist. It's kind of high dollar. Once you're a fucking doctor, aren't you like qualified to do all

doctoring no i mean you might not be considered an expert but aren't you qualified to like a fucking doctor can write you a prescription for you know penicillin or you know chemotherapy or whatever i'm not aware of that well why couldn't you i thought a doctor had just had a complete license to just... I don't know. Like, any doctor can write... We're going to find out. Any doctor can write any prescription for anything? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. I don't know if that's true. So shouldn't they go, hey, you can drive? Like, we didn't take away her license or anything. I don't know. I think I need a lawyer as much as a doctor on this. There's no way they can keep her from driving just because a neurologist

hasn't okayed her. No, you can sue them. Is that what we're going for here? I don't know. I'll call my lawyer. He's trying to back you on this. All I know is they ain't getting shit done tomorrow

because tomorrow, while you're listening to this, it is Sunday and it will be Sunday for us And so there's not going to be any neurologist called But she has her friends that are filming They can drive I just got to get them at the airport

Or maybe get Derek I don't know We'll figure it all out But it was a fun filled night down there at the old ER. Everyone was kind of panicked when I showed up. I was never more comfortable. Oh, your girlfriend just had a seizure. She's bleeding out of her eye, and the ambulance is on the way.

All right, I'll be right over. That's the only time I... Let me finish this chicken breast. Yeah, the chicken was just rubbery as shit, so I didn't care. So if it was actually cooked properly, if that was a juicy fucking baked chicken, I was expecting my first time

trying to bake a chicken with skin on it. They eat that skin all crispy and salty. Yeah, and it sucked. I was already defeated. And then to find out my girlfriend's probably dead, it just didn't... It was just like it added pressure, but it didn't ruin my night.

I was happy I wasn't drinking. Yeah. Yep. And then four hours in that fucking emergency room going, wow, this is where you want to smoke cigarettes. It gives you something to do for four hours. There's nothing more boring than a fucking hospital. But I had some wisecracks. And there was a nurse guy that was cracking wise as well.

He was a fun guy. His name's Steve. If you ever go to the Copper Queen Hospital in Bisbee, Arizona, and you're in the emergency room and you want a couple of laughs, ask for Steve. He's pretty funny. He says, I got to give you a shot. And Bingo goes, is it going to hurt?

He goes, well, I'm going to pierce your flesh with sharp metal. So if that answers your question. I do have some advice in a situation like what happened tonight. On the chicken skin, you want to dust it with a little baking powder. That crisps it up really good. All right. It was not. It was the rubberiness of the chicken.

Yeah. To the point where I had to cut it. You couldn't pull it off with a fork. That's pretty fucking rubbery. Well, that's time and temperature. But I forgot to give you that little tip. $3.05 for two pounds of fucking chicken. Two full breasts with rib meat.

I could feed all you fucking starving kids out there with your college student loans and you fucking that you stupid artists that are you what's that guy playing a fucking recorder outside of safeway that fucking hippie i want to beat the fucking tar out of him because he can't even play. It's so irritating. You can hear it from the other side of the parking lot. We haven't discussed him on the podcast. We talked about it yesterday because we on the podcast. No, no, no.

No, I didn't know anyone like you knew about it because I've got my own third time musicians out there. Yeah, it's if you remember the old Jerky Boys album, there was the one, the Tarbash or something, the Egyptian magician. Oh, no! I don't know.

It was one where he plays the thing. It's not the Egyptian magician. That's what I was thinking of. It's the same guy. He's making a cobra come up out of a basket. That's what it sounds like. He's just... It hits this...

It's almost like the brown sound. It hits these awful pitches where you want to shit your pants. Brown sound? Yeah, it's a South Park episode where they find the brown sound that makes you shit your pants okay octave so low or something yeah it's just awful and you just want to go up and go just fucking stop you nobody likes this i mean you can't possibly like this well did you pay him to stop no i didn't maybe that's the grift uh yeah i don't know he came in at one point then he'd be your hero if that's what he

was someone must really try to play move because uh the last time he was all almost down all the way to the bank instead of right out front so uh yeah it's really fucking horrible I should start doing that. Maybe if I started reviewing buskers, we don't call them buskers here in America. We call them fucking bums. That's what they are. They're fucking, you're just fucking irritating people. At least you're trying to be entertaining, but you're not. And you know, you stink.

You have to know you stink. They have those fucking homeless newspapers. If I could get the entertainment page and I'd be there. You critique. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking one star and the guy with the recorder. You know what?

He's not even like an ugly bum. He's a kid that's kind of fucking got sharp features if you shave that shit off his face that half growth just filthy like i'm a filthy fucking person i i mean you you guys know more than anyone the the lack of hygiene that i celebrate i've fucking 10 days without a shower on the road and that's not just on the road yeah you spend well on the road it matters more because you're moving around yeah sitting on the couch yeah you can you can pull off a easy week on the couch but you're not really but you don't have to it's it's your own bathroom i know but the thing is especially in the winter once i put on long johns i don't want to take them off.

And then I usually have, like this morning, we went to the farmer's market, me and your wife. Hey, you know that lady I told you about? Did you see that tweet? Where I just, at the thrift store, and I came out. You guys were already outside with the Goodwill and Sierra Vista, and I said, someone just yelled, hey, Doug, way too excited and awkwardly. I don't know what that was.

But she was. I go, it sounded like a fan, but that would be a weird place. And so, yeah, it was a fan. She tweeted something about seeing the whatever, some nice word, the legend, the bisbee legend or something doug stanhope and it's me and tracy in goodwill but yeah we were i had like four layers on this morning and it was nice today when the sun came out it was almost 70 or felt like 70 in the sun and i'm there with a fucking long johns t-shirt over the long john top then a hooded sweatshirt over that then a thick lined leather jacket over that and a scarf and going i probably don't need all this so yeah you fucking you probably stink like a pig but it's

never gonna reach the daylight i mean you have so many layers you're like the mummy you know your mummy probably stinks if you unwrap them but yeah there's way too many layers there so i don't i don't know what my point was with this but let's fucking uh take a break and check on bingo's weeping eye bingo how, how's that? Is it bleeding through? Bleeding through a bit. Oh, my God. These pictures are never going to get old. As that wound changes color like autumn foliage in New England, it's already black on the eyelid.

Yeah, yeah. And then it's going to go into the reds and yellows and purples. And the greens. Yeah, the greens. All right, we'll be back after these words. The word of the day today is brought to you by Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School. Have you ever considered driving a semi-truck for a living?

Then rev up your engines and come on down to Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School. There are companies out there right now that have 10 to 15 rigs sitting every day because they don't have drivers. You can finish our course in five weeks, enroll in a full-time in a 200-hour course, or an 80-hour refresher course. in a full-time in a 200-hour course or an 80-hour refresher course. The Workforce Investment Act funding is available for direct student loans for qualified applicants, and major credit cards are accepted. Don't forget the Ohio Valley Driver Training School. Our facility has a 4.5-acre training lot and a 72-passenger bus. So call today.

acre training lot and a 72 passenger bus. So call today, Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School, 1341 Highland Avenue, Williamstown, West Virginia, right here in Williamstown. Call us at 304-375-4140. That's 304-375-4140. Your future is just 18 wheels away. Tell them the Doug Stanhope podcast sent you. 454140. Your future is just 18 wheels away. Tell them the Doug Stanhope podcast sent you. All right. The word of the day today. I like this one. Recrement.

Recrement. R-E-C-R-E-M-E-m-e-n-t rec re ment recrement it's like excrement that's recreational it means exactly the worthless part of anything says the uh roger's thesaurus uh words for intellectuals like ourselves it's the worthless part of anything. Waste. Dross. What does dross mean? Well, it's useless material or trash. So, recrement.

Yes, you know what? All the announcements on this podcast are just recrement. If we just get down to the funny and stick with it. Enough with the recrement. So, that's your word of the funny and stick with it. Enough with the recrement. So that's your word of the day. On your Sunday, I'm sure you can find something to refer to as recrement.

Tonight, the recrement for us was those fucking, the cocktail tonight was grasshoppers. God, that seemed funny for about half a drink. Well, I bought a bunch of shit yesterday. The creme de cacao and the blue curacao and the

creme de menthe. All right, just make something with the shit I bought yesterday. I bought like $80 worth of mixers we'll never use again. Unless we have some guy. I don't know what kind of party.

After reading the Todd Glass book. See, I was just about to make some kind of fruitcake joke. Now I won't do it. I won't. Yeah. I checked myself before I wrecked myself on this one. Yeah. I don't know what kind of party you would have where you would use cream de cacao

or blue curacao and cream de mint. It doesn't seem like all the people at the party would drink all of those drinks. Golden Girls box set. In the afternoon. But like Blue Hawaiians, it'd be like one crew, but

then the Grasshopper, they just don't seem like they'd be at the same party. Grasshopper was delicious, for the record. It is delicious, but it the Grasshopper, they just don't seem like they do the same party. It's delicious, for the record. It is delicious, but it's not a drink. It's fucking cake frosting. It's mint and chocolate, and you were even going to hype it with a little vodka that's not in the recipe.

Yeah, I thought better of that. It's still just going to be licking cake frosting. It's like I licked the beaters after my mom made a cake. But we tried. Yeah, it's still just going to be, yeah, licking cake frosting. Yeah. It's like I licked the beaters after my mom made a cake. And it's sickly sweet. Mint chocolate floof. Could have been the description of that.

I only had one of those, and then I went right to a fuck it. Give me a Sapporo. Let's plow through this and get to bed. We still have some. Let me hang on. We have the Negroni. someone did email me rob roy's i didn't know that yeah pink lady no no we're not doing a pink lady it's got egg white i think that's disgusting i that that brandy alexander that's a sweet one we'll do and a gimlet we'll do gin ricky i like stinger we had sidecars the other night we'll get to these

and uh hey you know what if you didn't like yesterday's song i did these on purpose i did leo sayer uh long tall glasses last night knowing that i also had this one in my holster for you people and by you people i mean the blacks this is uh three dog night and this song segues perfectly because this song was originally done by leo sayer and i was gonna fact check this today and i didn't so this is from what i remember le Leo Sayer had a minor hit with this song in the UK and Three Dog Night just went and fucking stole it from him. Just said nothing. And when you know what? I like that song. Let's go back to the States and just do that fucking song and we'll just change it.

So where Leo Sayer had, I won't let the show go on was the title of his song three dog knights said you know what we're just gonna make it the opposite the show must go on and uh the lyrics any comic out there can appreciate the lyrics to this song and it's got the crazy fucking clown music from a david tell bit from the circus music it's a great song and if you say anything otherwise i will find out where you live and you'll look like fucking bingo so help me sir play three dog night the show must go on and let's raise a glass to leo Sayer for getting fucked over. ¶¶ I choose this lonely life It seems a struggle of men now

All the wild men Big cigars, gigantic cars They're all laughing at me now Oh, I've been you I've been a fool Oh, I've been a fool I've been a fool Oh, what a fool I don't wanna lose Oh, yeah

But I must let the show go on Baby There's an enormous crowd of people They're all after my blood I wish they'd be the dead Down the walls of this theater Let me out, let me out Oh, I'm so blind

Oh, I'm so blind I'm wasting time Wasting, wasting, wasting time Walking on a wire, on a wire But I must let the show go on Oh, I'm so blind Oh, I'm so blind I'm wasting time Wasting, wasting all too much time

Broken on the wire Oh, I'm on fire We've been waiting all too much time Broken on the wire But I must let the show go on Baby, I wish you'd help me escape Help me get away Leave me outside my entrance Fall away from this mad as parade Cause I've been blind Oh, so blind

I wasted time Wasted, wasted all the time Walking on the wire On the wire. But I must let the show go. I must let the show go. I must let the show go on. Oh, we're going? I'm not cutting it out.

All right, leave it in.