The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 20 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

DAY 20A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking.  Doug is on a tear about wife beating, rape trailers and what is and isn't funny.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 08, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-MISHKA SHUBALY UK DATES - http://www.mishkashubaly.com/events/ DILLYS FOR KIDS - http://www.dillysforkids.com/Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Mansion On The Hill” by A3. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, what's up, everybody? It's Doug Stanhope, Monday afternoon podcast for today, Sunday, the 8th of March. What's going on? After that guy fucking said to me, hey, I think Doug Stanhope's doing a little bit of Bill Burr by pausing before a word and then over-enunciating it. by pausing before a word and then over enunciating it and uh well i i strongly agree that uh yeah i fucking steal a lot of bill burr in my daily life uh and i do have to watch that on the podcast just because it's become part of just like if i watched a fucking tv show that much and i do a homer simpson occasionally yeah occasionally i do a bill burr and i go oh fuck i catch myself on the podcast before I do it. But instead of just going, hey, you're right, dude, I'm just going to fucking start stealing Bill Burr's podcast.

I'm just going to fucking steal everything he does. I'm going to fucking take advice emails. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do the exact same fucking ads he does. I'm going to just fucking strip him shamelessly. And then you go, no, no, no. He's not just dropping a bit of Bill Burr here and there. He's actually fucking robbing him blind.

So what? Who gives a fuck? Who are you going to tell? This is a free podcast. What are you going to? Yeah, I'm going to steal shit. I'm going to do like if you've been paying attention to the podcast, what Leo Sayer did to three dog night did to Leo Sayer with last night's song. The show must go on. Not just going to rip it off blind, but I'm going to change the entire meeting meaning.

So I'll use expressions like that's some cold lotion. And instead of the meaning he has for his own term he made up, I'll just make up a whole new meaning. Oh, that's some cold lotion. He means you expect one thing and you get something. No, I mean like ripping someone off is cold lotion. Cold lotion means just ripping someone off entirely. And you go, that's not what it meant. It means that on this podcast.

All right, I have no idea why I started with that. entirely and you know that's not what it meant it means that on this podcast all right i don't have no idea why i started with that you you get a head of steam here yeah yeah i feel good going into this one chaley can we just drink i have not tried this cocktail yet so let's try it when we're when we're taking brave chances like heroes often do hey let me bring that up too i gotta fucking bring up Jan Michael Vincent. I had that in my notes like two weeks ago when I saw it. But yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we're taking heroic chances on a cocktail, especially drinking it this full over my laptop.

Let me move that. Yeah. Cheers. Yeah, this is a I want people in case it's awful and we vomit right on the air. I want to be leaning into the mic. This won't make us vomit. This is a I want people in case it's awful and we vomit right on the air. I want to be leaning into the mic. This is won't make us vomit. This is a metropolitan. This is a two parts brandy.

Haven't had a brandy drink yet. Not yet. With half a part vermouth, sweet vermouth and a little simple syrup and bitters. There you go. Maraschino cherry. Always wait for that cherry. Please hold. That's shaking

over crushed ice, but poured through a strainer. That fucking dog. I'm going to fucking kick him in the fucking chest like the cat. Please hold. Do you know how to fucking paint. Do you know how to fucking paint? Do you know how to fucking paint? You're gonna fucking paint your goddamn

claw marks off the goddamn door? Get a fucking brush. I'll fucking I'll attach paint brushes to you and then every time you walk through the door that you scratch on until I come to it, you'll fucking paint it right back to the way it should be. And bingo, Bingaman, she's just fucking narrowly avoided another beating.

You know what? She's got that eye that's all fucked up because yesterday she had that. She had that goddamn seizure and then plunked her fucking big fat grape down on the sidewalk really hard and smushed it and made a smushing sound that made everyone sick and race to 911 and uh yeah so she woke up not really feeling great about herself this morning because she and you really have to feel fucking awful if you could see the time and effort and most of it pointless wasted time and effort because she's not yeah hey she's not in production she's not, yeah, hey, she's not in production. She's never done this before. So, yeah, there were a lot of trips to not only the 60-mile round trip to Sierra Vista, but the 200-mile, 240-round trip to Tucson

just to buy shit that you could have got at the fucking dollar store, more than likely. But, no, it's got to be a thing. She actually made me, well, because I have to look wet during the thing. So I need a spray bottle. I go to doll. It will just go to the dollar store. It's next door.

No, let's go to Ace Hardware because it's got to be a really good like one because because what? There's spraying moisture on you to make you look wet for that scene. Doesn't you don't need industrial. But I. All right. I'll shut the fuck up so i bailed out of this project early like i'm in fucking rehab that nothing has made me happier than being in rehab and not have because i don't have the patience to deal with

nonsense all right honey that's nonsense you're wasting fucking time but i know that i have my own nonsense things and I wouldn't want anyone butting into him so I just stayed out of it and then after she smushed her fucking face up after a month of literally fucking 16 to 20 hour days of just nonsense a lot of wasted time but I mean I understand that joy of putting that much effort into a project and having it pay off. And the idea of spending a month of, honey, I'm staying and I'm staying within a budget. And you're going to see what I did. And, you know, I was going to have to rent a hotel for a clawfoot bathtub.

But Andrew says we can do it and we just have to. He's going to let us paint his tiles white so we can use that space. And now we don't have to pay anybody. And it's so beautiful. She's so excited. And then Thunk sees seizure face on the ground the song you cannot you know like manipulate into if i had any fucking balls as a boyfriend i would play that song as one of the outros in the top 30 because it's like there's songs she has that i fucking don't like. I just don't get this. Sorry.

But that song, every time I hear it randomly, if I'm playing my podcast, my iPod, I mean, and it comes on, I forget that that's my girlfriend. I like, oh, I fucking love this song. And then I go, oh, shit, this bingo song. So, yeah, if I had any balls, I would. But I don't because, because a if any of you fucking trashed it i would find out where i'd just spend the rest of my life finding you

and then as i twisted your fucking nose with pliers yeah by the by the under clit like not the actual whole nose but the fucking spatial separ. The separator. Yeah, the taint. The blowhole. The nose taint. The nose taint. Yeah. Your smellnerium. Smellnerium? Yeah. Whatever. I'd be yanking that and twisting. And you go, it's just fucking

around, man. It's just fucking around. It's just fucking around. I guess I'd do the same thing. But by then, your fucking nose is in my pliers, and I feel like a dick. I overre fucking around. Yeah, I guess I'd do the same thing. But by then, your fucking nose is in my pliers, and I feel like a dick, like I overreacted. And you can't go halfway. And the thing is, it's not a good song for a podcast. You don't want to go out on that.

I mean, it's really fucking sad. So, no, I'm not going to play it. But maybe I'll play it, but not as an outro. Maybe one day you'll hear it. But not when she puts this fucking video together, because now she can't do this video because she can't figure out how to work domestic violence or the fact that she has eight stitches and an eyelid and looks like the fucking chick that Clint Eastwood was trained in a box in that one movie. That was unbelievable. What was that movie?

I don't know. That was with. Yeah, the girl who looks like she got punched in the face a lot. It was good casting. What's her name? I don't know. Hillary Swank. Yeah, yeah. Awkwardly attractive.

You'd wake up from fucking her going, it's kind of weird. Like a pretty Sandra Bernhardt. You try to tell your friends that... She's not hot hot, but she's attractive. There's something attractive about it. And they'd be going, oh, she's a pig, right? No, no, she's really not.

You're being honest, but they're not buying it. Yeah. Yeah. This is what you say when you bag a pig. Like if you looked at 100 Facebook pictures, there'd be four where she's a knockout. And then there'd be eight where she's a knockout and then there'd be eight where she's pretty good and then eight mediocre like you could get the whole spectrum of beautiful to ugly with her but that's not my point what was your point goes all the way back to uh bingo and nonsense oh yeah she

fuck it so so everyone is is kind of staying positive about it because the extent of damage on her face, especially the next day, you saw it fresh. The ones I tweeted fresh out of the ambulance and then fresh right after they stitched it. So now it's had time to morph and swell, and her eye is completely black on the lid, and it's swollen over.

It's shut like a fighter yeah and the and the scratches right under her lip have become scabby and then everything else is getting scabby there's some color there too already and her friends they brought all this video equipment to shoot and like all right you know uh what do you the she waited all day for the fedEx to show up with the lighting gear. Remember? She burned an entire day. The point is now you have this just giant monstrosity on your face. It's a target of opportunity.

Figure out some way to work this into filming because if you needed that, you couldn't get makeup people to do that. It's a Dick Smith black eye. Yeah, so what you need to do is sit with your friends and brainstorm. Hey, what can we do? I said, just, you know what? Film some kind of storyline and then write a song after the fact that fits the filming. Because you have all the shit.

You have them. They came all the way, drove five hours to Billings to fly just to fly here and then drive two hours to get to the house and you're gonna go what yeah fucking come up with something you have other songs try to find something that fits this work at a store and if you don't come up with it fine but don't just go i ruined everything with my eye no the eye can be great think of what you know write it backwards start with the eye and write backwards so as people are trying they all get to the house whiskey's sister uh lindy and jeremy and you come up and reverend derrick's there and she's like they go no we can you know do you want to do this do you want to do this? Do you want to do this? I mean,

physically, are you up for like, cause if that's the first thing, your health is, but if you want to move forward, there's a million ways we can go with this. We can do this. And I just started to say, you know what? Like, just imagine you got the eye and it's gruesome and imagine yourself like gruesome with the eye like everything about it she goes not with this song where her fucking pitch of her voice you know that don't take that tone with me that tone neuters dogs and you fucking like i'm already i'm just trying to throw an idea in there and not only did you fucking raise your voice like that in front of people at me

in that fucking histrionic teenager stomping feet fucking tone, you didn't even let me finish my fucking sentence to get one idea out there that might... That's how writing works, asshole. Dimwit with your... What idea do you have? None.

So shut it. We're pitching ideas here. What idea do you have? None. So shut it. We're pitching ideas here. So you don't shit on ideas. If something doesn't catch you, you go, I'm not seeing that. But, and we always go to a positive. You don't go, not with this song. So if you want that other eye to be fucking, you want your last night eye to be referred to as your good eye,

then you keep fucking talking to me like that. Meanwhile, I'm going to kick the fucking cat in the chest through the window when he scrapes at the door, and your fucking dog, Ichabod, is going to be a human paintbrush tomorrow, fixing all the fucking claw marks he made. This is a good cocktail. Brandy, it takes the edge off. Yeah.

This is a good cocktail. Brandy, it takes the edge off. I'll tell you who else I fucking, another woman I wanted to beat. I got to do a Yelp review of last night. Because everyone at the Copper Queen Hospital was very nice, except for the receptionist who was so overly curt. It was almost like. Like the admitting person? admitting person the person that hands you the clipboard yeah she's just telling me simple things but everything she's telling me as though she's told me a thousand times and she's i go uh so here do i

initial or sign no you sign it because you are the person that is responsible. I just asked for the first and the second time she did that, I go, all right, relax. And she said, what? Oh, no. Now it was the thousand and one time. Just relax. And she goes, I'm

relaxed. I'm trying to help you. At some point she got to where I'm sure you are the person that's very anxious or whatever. And as she's saying, like, she's realizing I'm being extremely calm and smiling with every answer. And she's going through. You tell me to relax. I'm trying to help you. And she got to the point where you're the one who's upset. Like, because I'm in the emergency room,

you must be as my girlfriend's being wheeled in on a gurney. And as she's saying it, she's looking at my face and I'm smiling in the most welcoming manner. And she's like, well, in fact, you're even then you're, you're calm from the,

what the position. And then I go, that's okay. I'm we're just, just trying to And then I go, that's okay. We're just trying to get through this with a big fucking smile. And then she sends me to the waiting room, and I'm fucking alone without my TV be gone, which I never travel without. You never think to grab it when you get a call that your girlfriend has splatted her face on the seat and sidewalk. That's not the first time I've heard. Don't panic.

The paramedics are assessing your girlfriend. No, no. She's breathing again. Hang on. I'll get my TV be gone and I'll be right down. Yeah. The fucking worst is I'm stuck in there with 70 inches of Big Bang Theory. Oh, my God.

Which is so crippling, like just the commercials. I sat through at least four minutes of dialogue before I just started calling people and tweeting or whatever. It's violence-inducing. And I know I'm a little snappy, but... Tonight or yesterday? In general. When it's something...

When it's something that's annoying you. I throw shit at my own TV when it's just a bad commercial trailer for a sitcom. We're all aware of the phone issue and the... But I don't understand why other people aren't like that. Well... First, to say something is not funny, I know. There's no such thing as something is not funny. In saying that, you're just saying it's not funny to me, if you're honest.

I mean, I'll say that's not funny funny and i'll even argue with you if you think it's funny at some times but i know when it all boils down some things are funny to you and some things are not funny to you there's no such thing as something that isn't funny obviously some people do find the big bang theory funny it's like the fucking number one-ish in the top. Oh, I believe it's clearly number one. I think it might be number one, yeah. And the guys physically sicken me. I get a physical response to looking at the main characters and then hearing their voices doubles down.

Like, there's some things I can't watch on Tosh.0, and I don't know if I mentioned last night a couple times in sewing up bingo's eye i get so like 40 seconds of video of the stitching and that was the easy part and i made her say tosh.0 and she said it but if i had got the first part where they were putting the novocaine oh you did you did say that last night yeah i know i said no because i was drinking that grasshopper and i was feeling sick i didn't know if it was because of the stitching talk or the cream in the grasshopper. I would rather like the popping giant cysts that I can't watch.

The bot fly video. Yeah, those are things. I could watch those easier than Big Bang Theory. And honestly, I have less of a visceral reaction to things I normally turn away from. A greenish puss launching on a close-up cell phone camera on a Tosh.0 clip is less unappealing than any words coming out of the main characters

of the Big Bang Theory. And obviously, it appeals to someone. So. Tosh point out, no, that's not supposed to appeal to someone. Their goal is opposite of the compound fractures, the bone coming through the trying to make you unnerved. They're trying to make you have that sick feeling. Yeah. Big Bang Theory. Their goal is the opposite. unnerved they're trying to make you have that that sick feeling yeah whereas big bang their

their goal is the opposite and i've and you can't blame like i've always said going back to comics that i had a problem with you know i don't hate the comic i hate the audience that's laughing at that and that's even wrong because right now i'm wearing a shirt that says rape trailer. Somebody sent this to me because they know that the trailer on my property, not even the one I'm rehabbing in. I'm rehabbing in the sloppy one down on the slab down there on Black Knob right here. This is supposed to be a night which somehow got referred to as the rape trailer probably because it's a trailer and it's a bunch of dudes and they say that's a rape trailer and then that sticks and you don't change it because yeah it's funny to call it the rape trailer and i don't care

you can condemn me but what you don't understand is is laughter is an involuntary reaction to a situation or a spoken word or a sound. It's involuntary. You don't get to decide what you find funny. So if I laugh when I hear a rape trailer or if I am sickened by fucking Big Bang Theory fucking geek acts that are just the most irritating people, I would want to fucking wet my hand and slap that one fucking tall queer kid on it. That Mel Mishy guy, you know, the pastiest one. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd want to wet my hand and give myself piano hands and maybe a little bit of flour and then slap him so hard that it kind of stuck. Like it was really humid, even on a dry day. I'd just slap and then kind of peel it off and then see the red welt come up. So maybe you find that funny. I don't.

And maybe you will castigate me for finding every dark thing that I find funny. It's just where my sense of humor lies. Going down to the grainiestest mealy wet fart is that's the the nut inside of the jawbreaker the everlasting gobstopper of my sense of humor in the middle there's a nut with a fucking wretched mustard seed wet fart blowing through a loose fabric like like a fucking Is it the gingham bags Is that the That cloth fabric You cannot

It's like a itchy Wool hay material Burlap That's what I'm looking for A wet golden spicy Brown Dripping blasting fart going through that. So on the outside, you're wearing burlap undergarments.

And on the outside, there's still a ring of spittle. A mustard kiss of spittle. See? I'm fucking laughing. Just picturing it. A mustard kiss yeah spittle so you add a you know a crippling cancer that makes you bend at the waist and a fucking rape and a bottle over the back of the head and my my poor girlfriend's fucking mealy broken wounded eye being referred to as her good eye because of the fucking backtalk and the tone she took with me when I'm just trying to help.

That's funny to me. And if you say, well, that's just not funny and you have to draw a line, you still don't. You can't affect my reaction to hearing something and laughing because I laugh instinctually. That's not a, if my laughter were voluntary, I'd pick all the shit on Thursday night on fucking ABC or CBS

and I'd fucking laugh along with all the other dildos in the dark houses that surround me and they must laugh at this shit because someone's buying the fucking pretzels at the commercial break. And I would have fucking friends. We'd all laugh at the same shit.

It would be wonderful. And if you think I'm sick or wrong for laughing at that, well, now you border on the, hey, we should send that guy to, you can go to a fucking psychologist like the fucking Jesus fag camp, where they can teach you how to not be a fag, because there's something wrong with your thinking,

sorry if that's what I think is funny, I was born this way, I did not get to choose my sense of humor, I'm going to fucking close right there, I think that built up into a, almost sounded like a, like I wrote that, fuck you, I'm going to go close right there. I think that built up into a, like, almost sounded like a, like I wrote that. Fuck you. I'm going to go to a commercial break, drop the mic, and quit while I'm ahead.

Please hold. And today's word of the day is brought to you by Dilley's for Kids right here in Keene, New Hampshire. Sure, everybody in central southwestern New Hampshirepshire knows dilly's for kids but people still to this day ask is there really a dilly well you can bet your bridal shower there is margaret dilly treblecock founded dilly's for kids in 1984 since then dilly's has grown and expanded by focusing on quality products value and customer service like free in-store gift wrapping. And don't forget the woman within boutique inside of Dilley's offers casual sportswear for women, jewelry and accessories and special gifts that express the woman in you. So come on down to Dilley's and put a face to that name.

in you. So come on down to Dilley's and put a face to that name. Say hello to Margaret Treblecock at Dilley's for Kids, 417 West Street in the West Street Shopping Plaza right here in Keene, New Hampshire. Give us a call at 603-352-4924. Ask for Dilley and tell her the Doug Stanhope podcast sent you hello this is king abdullah and you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast wow this is i just i just had this just had this rush of... Goddamn, America's Top 40. Casey Kasem, the outtakes. Don't leave me with an up-tempo number!

With a dead fucking dog! Whatever. I can only hope to be... One day they have outtakes of us like plotting how it should sound coming out of a break jesus and for all my history like all my histrionics are on tape and then and we go to break and i'm like wow it feels so goddamn good to just yell about beating your wife just yelling about anything about i'll fucking kick that fucking cat in the chest i don't abuse animals ever don't even give them an ugly look but when your cat is fucking bothering you there's something so satisfying about yelling

the brutal things that you would do to that cat because you know the cat doesn't understand you you can talk about punching your girlfriend in the eye and brutalizing her into hamburger because she's not listening and if she was she knows that you're just blowing smoke and having fun with it i love to yell i love to be hysterical i love just the most cruel discourse and series of threats that i can throw your way it's fucking absolutely like some people get off you know i just went to the fucking gym and i hit the heavy bag well i don't hit a heavy bag because it'd blow my intestines through my fucking groin and it would make me tired and it would hurt my hands so what i do is i yell all the things you're doing to that bag in your head i'm threatening that bag with it's the

same thing so that's that you know we've talked about that in the past in the morning uh on the road bingo and i try to stay out of your way until someone from housekeeping or you go down to breakfast, something, anything. Holiday and customer service after they somehow stay away from you until you run into another human being who doesn't know what's going to happen. It's fucking brilliant. And I didn't know Bingo was doing the same thing until we compared notes one day. You're like Holocaust survivors.

Exactly like Holocaust survivors. maybe even have it worse send that to the fucking simon wiesenthal center yes doug stanhope did you hear why can't i get any fucking legs if i one day we'll pick a thing and you guys because like the only people listening at this point i think that we have a rare point in history with this podcast of our own history where only the people that are really into it are listening. There's no like people jumping on the bandwagon. Hey, what's all the fuss about with this podcast? There probably never will be. will be but until like if we can pull off some fucking gags where like uh yeah hey doug stanhope snap don't worry we'll fucking plan this out don't go fucking on don't go rogue on me audience

come on fucking dumbest cult in the world wait till i fucking have a plan don't open your mouth until you know the shot it's fucking fucking Al Pacino to Kevin Spacey. And if you haven't seen Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, I despise you as a human being. And I guess that means Chaley by the reaction on your face. If you have never seen Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. No, coffee's for closers. I've seen half of it. All right.

Well, how the fuck do you see half of it? It's not really getting me. I caught it. I saw the second half, not the first half and said, I really getting me i caught it i saw the second half not the first half and said i gotta go all right so the second half all right good it's yeah that's one of the most brilliant movies ever don't open your mouth if you don't know the shot yeah at one point maybe uh write this down and you have your little cheat sheet of notes to uh so yeah at some point i'll i'll just obvious i'll say something so fucking ridiculously blasphemous or racist or homophobic that we'll

we'll plan on we'll do it on a burner podcast many podcasts down the line. And, and just have everyone ready to fucking complain to whatever, you know, Simon Wiesenthal, even a thing of fucking the museum of tolerance, whatever it is, we'll have, we'll, we'll set it up ahead of time that you just send clips to them and demand, I apologize. And just see if we can get, cause if they get like 50 fucking emails of, you know, you people pretending to be Jews or gays or negros or Indians, Indians would be good because that's kind of a new thing. So you get the rape thing going there, and you can balance the rape against the racism and you get you get

that phil hendry quandary where you go it's kind of right but it kind of feels racist but it feels wrong and the rape thing we'll we'll figure it out i just need to know that there's enough people out there that will participate you're talking about uh actually putting something to the killer termites yes all right and we fucking stage a thing all right it's not like you have to stage it i mean i say enough racist homophobic shit that you you just know it's not meant to be racist or homophobic i will if for test marketing and again while while while no one comparatively is listening like if you try to do this if you know a name brand a radio show try to do this there'd be half the people calling the fucking

simon weisenthal center going you know this is just a hoax they've been talking about this for months i think in my heart of heart i have no i am so clueless to how I stand in the community, in the profession amongst my own audience by, I think we're in a stage where we could pull off some weird shit until we sink. I quit or I'll go sideways. So yeah, I read a Frankie Boyle. If you, if you're not a UK person, Frankie Boyle is kind of their go-to guy for everything that is offensive in comedy. The fucking UK are such soft-touched, rubbed-wrong clitoris eyes of people. He just wrote this great thing, and think it's the independent i should have

written this down and plugged it i should i hopefully i remember to retweet it hennigan sent it to me and it's just yet another uh thing about it fuck you the audience doesn't get to you know tell you when you're offensive A comic gets to say whatever he wants. That same thing. Jim Norton is our, like, he wrote the latest big, hey, fuck you, don't apologize diatribe. You know, comics don't have to apologize. It needs to be said.

And Frankie Boyle said it, but of course, he's British, so they sound way, way smarter. Something about dystopian satire. I don't know what that means, and I ain't looking it up. I just want to sit here and revel in your big wordistry. Big wordistry? Oh, shit, we didn't even do the word of the day. No, you did not.

Fuck. All right, this is where we go back and do the word of the day. Oh, you can put it in right now. The word of the day. No, you did not. Fuck. Alright, this is where we go back and do the word of the day. You can put it in right now. The word of the day sponsored by... The word of the day is sponsored by Dilley's for Kids. Also at dilley's.com. 417 West Street, Keene, New Hampshire.

In the West Street Shopping Center. The word of the day today is... And I only found this, I only do this because I've actually heard this word a million times, and I thought it meant one thing. And then I told Chaley what I was going to use for the word of the day, and I said, what do you think that is? And he goes, exactly what I was thinking. Isn't it something to do with the church? That's what I thought.

The word is ecumenical. E-C-U-M-E-N-I-C-A-L. Ecumenical. And I'd always heard that word having to do with the church. I don't know if it was my dad saying it about the church. I think I've seen it on signs, and I'm just grasping here. Like the ecumenical center? No, like ecumenical denomination.

Well, that makes sense then. Because the meaning of the word, much to the surprise of both Chaley and I, is simply something that's universal, general, or worldwide. So an ecumenical service would be a universal service, except for everyone that's not Christian, except for Muslims, atheists. It's like universal, a universal service for everyone that's Christian. As long as you're. Yeah. Unless you're a non-Hispanic. Well, no, they would be Christians.

Well, not that they would be. They tend to be. They fucking breed like them. I'll tell you that. I said, well, they would be Christians. Well, not that they would be. They tend to be. They fucking breed like them, I'll tell you that. I said non-Hispanic. I said non-Hispanic. Browns. Yeah. So Islam?

No, no, not that world. No, not you. It's a different world. We're very tolerant here, but not for your kind. You know what? Since I'm in a mood, I had a fucking, I had a theory. You know what? Since I'm in a mood, I had a fucking I had a theory. On every time, like the World Series comes up, you get the fucking asshole.

It's the rest of the world, which is the UK. Hey, UK, it's pretty much only you that gets upset that we called the World Series the World Series. All right? People in China, I've never heard a fucking Pakistani cab driver say, well, you call it the World Series, but you don't have to, it's only your country. It's only the UK that gets upset that the United States calls the fucking World Series the World Series. And please keep in mind that Major League Baseball, just like the British Premier League

or the NFL, it's a fucking corporation. We don't call it the World Series. The corporation that wants the hype calls it the fucking World Series. So don't get mad at us. Get mad at fucking TGI Fridays and Hard Rock Cafe. It's a corporation. Get mad at the corporation. You act like you put corporate shit on us.

It's bad enough we have to suffer the slings and arrows of the fucking nationalism as though we're the fucking leader of democracy. We don't say that. Politicians say that. But it's even worse when it comes to the World Series and the world champions of the Super Bowl, world champions. It's not America sitting around going, Jesus, we beat the shit out of the world, didn't we? No. No, that's hype. It's not America sitting around going, Jesus, we beat the shit out of the world, didn't we? No, no, that's just that's hype. It's a hype master. You'd be as angry at us.

We're not the fucking P.T. Barnum's here. All right. We like the game, but we don't see that as the world that is corporate fluff another. All right. Now we got that out of the way. Ecumenical. Can you use that? Your daily life today? Say it in front of a hot chick. Ecumenical. Well, the whole idea of that is fairly ecumenical,

except for some blah, blah, blah. Stop. Yeah, perfect. Right there. Fill in the blank. All right. No, no. What you do, this. Right there. Fill in the blank. All right. No, no. What you do, this is what you do to the hot chick is you go, yeah, no, a lot of people

tend to think that. That's an ecumenical viewpoint on the subject on a tertiary level. When I say ecumenical, I just mean universal. So dumb it down for her. That's mean universal. So dumb it down for her. That's your move. Dumb it down for her. And then go back to, I don't know, tertiary is probably completely the wrong word there.

But don't, no, yeah, it was. But you don't point at her when you say that, right? Because there's other people in the group, I would assume. No, no. I was picturing it a one-on-one. One-on-one, wow. So it's an ecumenical viewpoint worldwide is what I'm saying. A lot of people haven't.

It's a subtle, you throw it underneath the rest of the sentence. Letting her know that you know that she doesn't know what it means. If you were to write that as a sentence, you'd write in a straight line. It's very much an ecumenical point of view. So now you're dipping down. That means worldwide. You're dipping into the second line on the lined paper and continuing the sentence over the last word of the underlying.

That means worldwide is what I'm saying. But what happens, and then you go on, and he just fucking dumbed me down, didn't he? Perfect move. He just swatted me in the fucking face with a big word that he just learned on a podcast from a guy who doesn't remember the next day. She doesn't know that. She has no idea.

Hopefully she was doing her nails. If this were a proper fucking tin can rehab, which is a fucking day 20, by the way, is in the can. That's two-thirds of 30 days in the hole. Not only did I teach you big words, I'm teaching you math problems. 20 is two thirds of 30. How do you know? Because there's a two in one and a three in the other.

Yeah. 20 to 33. So that works for everything. I don't. Yeah. Don't works for everything. I don't know. Yeah. Don't fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't even question perfect science. All right. Is there anything? Hey, here's one thing you can do. We had fucking Chad Shank here last night. And if it weren't for my stupid girlfriend bouncing her fucking eye socket. Well, then we'd have Chad Shank here.

I'm going to text him. I'll get him here for tomorrow. No, I want you people at home. If you love the fucking golden voice of Chad Shank. Beautiful. How about you throw some fucking. Hey, H at HD fatty. Harley Davidson. F-A-T-t-y hd fatty on twitter fucking

that guy has nothing to do but plot murders and read twitter so if you will just come together and just throw an errant tweet going hey hd fatty stanhope's drowning without you this podcast stinks without you please go and just read some police beats. Just tell them, say something nice and say, hey, get over there and save Stanhope. Don't say I said to do it. Don't make me write these things for you. If I wanted to do that, I'd have 10,000 fake Twitter handles and I would do what I ask you to do for you. And that would feel fake.

I want you to be, just yeah be creative be sweet appear appeal to his ego fucking brandy is wicked good i've i've seen my tongue go spastic a couple times from it but it's really good this is only our first one you've only drank half of that yeah i know i've been talking a lot why don't you capitalize on the mic And let me be the lush for a while You know, this is a good A good chance for the killer termites to Take hold This is an easy task

This is so easy This is the cult that follows no direction That's the problem Most of my audience would not want to be The killer termites is not. It's not a whack pack. I'm not talking to you demeaningly. From the fucking Joe Vernon's and the and the and the bazelles.

And the Kirshner's down to the Cody Huckers to this fucking minute people Cody Hucker doesn't even get it Cody Hucker was the fucking I was I was making fun of other people Cody Hucker when I said to this minute this all day I still get Cody Hucker and they don't get

limerick you could also do limerick about this no No, the joke was... I'm not explaining the fucking joke. And Cody Hucker, you keep pounding on me. No, I'm pounding on other people that would not understand the humor and how stupid and simple it would be to write a Hucker-based limerick.

And they're still writing them. Get HD Fatty down here fucking soon fuck it was such an easy excuse last night with that fucking seizure which now again we have to wait to get a neurosurgeon to clear her to drive which i even then I don't think I'm comfortable. She's in the Tahoe. She's got the piece of shit car. Yeah, hey, seizure lady. Yeah, you get the piece of shit car.

You go a year without having a seizure. We'll see about putting you in something reliable. But until then, I got to find some kind of the safest car in the world. The Tahoe is pretty safe. A tank? Something easy to park, though. Oh, yeah, that's not bad. Yeah, it's just something with like 17 airbags. So if she has seizures.

Wait a minute. What about who she hits? I mean, that's the problem. Airbags doesn't help someone going through a crosswalk that she blows through at 80 miles an hour because she fell asleep. Well, not fall asleep. She had a seizure. See, I just let you talk so I can look at my notes for the first time. I know, I try to keep vamping and it's not working.

Did I ever even get to a point with Frankie Boyle and Jim Norton? Sort of. Well, yeah. They've both written extensively about... No, you said that. Well, the problem is the point that I wrote that down for was, you know what? Probably no one's offended.

And you both have the right tack of, well, the media spins us and gets everyone in a fury. Do you ever find someone who is furious? Is there ever, there might be a guy. There's always someone who runs like some kind of, you know, the national coalition for the people who.

It's one guy in a basement. It's a fucking guy with a lofty name and he puts out press releases. At first, Steve Marmel is a comic. He's a comic and a husband very funny dude and he was the husband of my manager at the time and he he wrote out a I had some beef with a comedy club about being racist and he put out a press release and they had fucking local news channels at their fucking door when they open their doors there's news trucks outside just because he put out a press release it's that easy so yeah the national coalition for the don't

say this and that about what not yeah there might not even be a person that the media is whipping up people are outraged show show the outrage don't show me people that have jumped onto the outrage that you created media these people say well no I understand why people are upset because show me the original upset people ground zero

patient zero patient zero typhoid Mary I want to see the typhoid Mary of this outrage. All right, let's get the fuck out of here. I have other notes, but I'm not fucking. Can we do a commercial for Last Gasp tour T-shirts that I got on sale right now? Oh, wait, hang on.

I got to do a non-commercial for fuck you absolute vodka. You know what? I have nothing against you. And if I had to pick a favorite vodka at this point i would judge on the bottle and tito's you know as much as i love you because you're austin i'm telling you that fucking bottle with the brown label makes all the light going through it's like a brown paper sack like a natural paper yeah it's like a lunch bag there's a tint lunch bag so it tints the fucking liquid to a-

We argued about it because you thought it was tinted. You thought the liquid was tinted. I thought the actual vodka was brownish. And I'm like, I don't want a brownish vodka. And you go, it's just a label. And I go, it's too late. Already in my head, it's brownish. So Tito's, your fucking label, it's killing you.

In my eyes, if you want to get the guy that's going to bring all the people to your vodka table i go deep eddie now if i'm in austin i'll drink deep eddie that's another vodka but i can't what's that deep eddie e-d-d-i-e-d-d-y e-d-d-y eddie i believe is a swirl yeah yeah yeah Fuck, that's not even my smart fuck dictionary. So I don't have a favorite vodka, but when we were looking up Metropolitans, because tonight we're metrosexual in each other, me and the jailster,

now that my bingo's been away so long, it's kind of getting like prison rules, but consensual prison rules. And that's how we like our prison sex that's one thing i gotta fucking i hennegan just sent me a great long article written about prison rape uh and i've had so many bits over the years that even once john oliver didn't walk all over oh that hurt so bad i'll Maybe I'll bring that bit back. I know he didn't steal it from me, but he stepped on the fucking milky Floyd cancer patient

fucking bulbous dickhead. That's a callback from Floyd's zombie penis. Yeah, it hurt. So, yeah, I get to tweet that. Write these down. When I say I get to tweet, I get to tweet what? Oh, the Frankie Boyle thing. It was fucking great. You didn't say tweet that. I said I haven't tweeted down. When I say I'm going to tweet, I'm going to tweet what? Oh, the Frankie Boyle thing. It was fucking great.

You didn't say tweet that. I said I haven't tweeted it. I hope to. Or maybe I said that about something else. Tweet Frankie Boyle. Yeah, tweet Frankie Boyle. Tweet prison rape. Okay.

I cut this out, right? This isn't in the podcast. Yeah, no, no. This isn't in the podcast Yeah no no This isn't in the podcast What gives a fuck You reading notes to me Like a secretary And a boss Well the other people

Then they'll look for it Alright Oh wait It was important enough He stopped the podcast I got it To write it down Cause prison rape

Yeah this fucking kid That just got fucked repeatedly I don't know where I was going with this And let's just close On repeatedly. I don't know where I was going with this. Anyway, let's just close on a song. I'll tweet some stuff that you should read. It's good. Can I plug the merch?

Oh, yeah. Last gasp tour t-shirts. We got the last of them. Wait, no. What? I forgot. That's what I was talking about. I was trashing Absolute Vodka.

Yeah. I don't know how the fuck I got into Frankie Boyle again. You have half of that drink left. No, I feel great, though. I am pining for another drink. I have no idea. Some days I have nothing. Other days I have everything.

You are on fire. I feel really good. I feel like I could do comedy, which is not something I could feel. Hey, let's go to the Bisbee open mic. I did. which is not something I can feel. Hey, let's go to the Bisbee open mic. I did.

For the record, I had a measured mimosa before I had half of this brandy drink. So if I seem a little more tipsy, then that's why. I have no idea what's going on with me physically or mentally. And I'm not going to fucking punch my girlfriend in her big sandwich eye. I just want to say, fuck you, absolute, because we're drinking Metropolitans. And as we're searching for the accurate recipe, every drink recipe is going to be a little bit. All right.

One says two parts vodka to one part vermouth. Others say one and a half to one. to one part vermouth others say one and a half to one then there's the metropolitan that you can get on absolute drinks.com that is every fucking ingredient that's not in a metropolitan proper oh this is the difference this is the absolute you have absolute current and lime juice and cranberry juice and wait you have no parts of a metropolitan and you're a metropolitan? You fucking corrupt cocksuckers. For a second, Chaley just grabbed the first one he saw and wrote it down, which happened to be the Absolute version,

which has nothing to do with a metropolitan. And we almost went to a different liquor store to try Absolute Current. Do you have Absolute Current with a K? Oh, oh, we're trying to make drinks from 1950 before Absolute was even a country. You cocksuckers. Fuck you, Absolute. Fuck you and your pristine bottle. I'll go with a Sky Vodka. You know what? I always battled. If I had to pick just on the bottle, I love the simplicity of both. I've smashed or Lynn Shawcroft helped me smash without my assistance a Sky vodka bottle

and they shatter into little tiny micro slivers and it's queered me off that brand of vodka because there's always a chance of breakage around here. But now absolute, you can suck my dick. I'll drink a brown Tito's before I drink your shit when you make up fucking fake recipes and put

them on the internet, you're no different than Nigerian spammers. And now here's a commercial from Greg Chaley about selling merchandise so we can stay in town and make a fucking decent living. Even though I've retired in the short run, that's a long fucking run for him. So please buy something now. We've got the last gasp tour t-shirts. That's pretty good. We've got the last gasp tour t-shirts. That's pretty good. We've got the last gasp tour t-shirts. The last of them are on sale right now. 15 bucks plus shipping.

And I need my two exes to step up to the plate. Hey, where's my two exes in the house? Come on, fatties. Step up. That's it. That's it. That's it. We're going to close. Hang on. I'm eating a maraschino cherry.

Two rules. The two rules. You don't have chicks on the podcast. And always have a bartender. And you don't chew on the podcast. No. You gone long on this one, dude. Well, how long?

54 minutes. All right. All right. Oh, yeah. I was going to... I got to give something back to the people on this one. Because we did two weird ones in a row, but because they segued, and I have one more Zeevon I'm going to dump on you,

if you know it, fine. But I don't think you do. It ain't fucking, it's not even Mohamed's radio. And that's a great one. That made the short list, but I can't do that many Zeevons. So we're going to go tonight with... I know it's on here. Oh, yeah.

All right. I'm going to drop. This one's pretty much a hammer. And you can use this when you talk to at HD Fatty on Twitter, because this song is great. But there was one part missing, and it's the woman in the background during the chorus. And she says,

and you go, i love whatever that woman is i could never understand what she was saying and chad shank at hd fatty is the one who either figured it out or looked it up and it made the song complete so first of all turn up this song and if you can't turn it don't turn it up on a laptop. You have to hear this loud in a car stereo. So wait until you get in your car. Get it to a place you can listen to this loud. And then when the chorus comes, listen to that woman.

And then realize what she's saying is, the meek ain't gonna inherit shit. This is A3 with Mansion on the Hill. Crank it! The gin and juice and he's a-feelin' fine I called my mom and all signs went up Police, a man said the joint was shot All the brothers gettin' busted outside Undercover officer readin' on the rights I want my ticket while your prison bound

The night the lights in Dallas went down, so How long we gonna wait until We get the keys to the mansion on the hill? For me, Django and Harwich I wanna know right now How long we gonna waste our time Putting a bus that's bound for the welfare line? For me, Django and Harwich

I wanna know right now Shakes the blues, a bunch of tries of luck Makes a little bet, hopes a horse comes up Picking pockets for some easy money Cause she blew the goddamn law on the national lottery Steals her paper, she checked the front page Headlines read, the damsel can't be saved I kinda opened up an opera house on the night

The lights in Dallas went down, yeah So how long we gonna wait until we get the keys to the mansion on the hill? Well, me can't go in heritage, I wanna know right now. How long we gonna waste our time, when the bus is bound for the wellfield? Well, me can't go in go inherit I wanna know right now Check it out Tweet, tweet, Tony on a 428 Special brand, stay right time, wrong place

Colombian connections in the corridors Of power mean a man on the money And ever going down Low on lucky taste, lady to the magic flu A little taste of gluten, I's bulletproof Tony tunes to underground radio On the night the lights and the dials went down So how long we gonna wait until

We get the kids to the mansion on the hill? I wanna know right now, I wanna know right now How long we gonna waste our time when the bus is bound for the welfare line? I wanna know right now, I wanna know right now So how long we gonna wait until we get the keys to the mansion on the hill? It's Gango and Harwich. I wanna know right now. How long we gonna waste our time

putting the blusters down for the welfare line? It's Gango and Harwich. I wanna know right now.