The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 21 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

DAY 21A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Stanhope takes over customer service issues and refuses refunds.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 09, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Mishka Shubaly UK Dates - http://www.mishkashubaly.com/events/ Skyline Comedy Club - http://skylinecomedy.com/event.cfm?id=372418 Boyer & Boyer C.P.A. - http://www.boyercpa.net/Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Jaan Pehechaan Ho” by Mohammed Rafi. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Day 21, bagged and tagged, motherfucker! Day 21, bagged and tagged, motherfucker. That's right. Week three is supposed to be in the lore of quitting smoking. Week three is a lot of times what you hear. You know, it takes 21 days to get that out of your system. Everyone's a fucking doctor. Everyone's got mother's home remedies.

But yeah, 21 days is always since the first time I remember trying to quit smoking in 1994, I'm guessing. I remember it was right after the whole Bobby Barnett thing because I was another girl I was in love with. The perfectly good stuffed animals girl, Christina Sparolini, who is a midwife in Seattle now and doesn't return my calls. I don't have her number, but my Facebooks. She used to come out when we were in Seattle. I remember we were going through a vintage suit phase at the time around then. Was that underground or was that Giggles? That was the one we went out with her and her friend. Yeah, right.

I don't remember anything about it Other than they weren't drinking And I can't wait to get the fuck out of dinner Because You used to drink a little bit And then you stopped drinking at all And then you stopped smoking cigarettes And then I just was a fucking worthless piece of shit around you But you did make me funny

I love you Christine But those days are over Ever since you've spent years avoiding me i've decided to move on anyway i'm with my good friend greg chaley here in the fun house full of fucking booze because i had to go out and i just keep buying all these accoutrements because we keep finding every recipe we find has one little thing come Compari. Okay, let's fucking $27 a fucking bottle. We're going to have one stupid drink out of it. We're drinking these silly drinks for at least a fucking year.

They're going with my suit. You see, I think that's where you draw the line with hipster. Like if I'm wearing those dumb suits on stage and I'm also drinking a pink lady, then that's like, you're trying to be a fucking hipster. You go, no, no,

no. It's a funny suit. But yeah, when you double up with the funny drink, I'm trying not to smoke. Yeah. When you, when you fucking,

you dress up like Darth Vader, but you also use the voice. Even when you don't have the costume, there's, there's boundaries and I don't know what they are, but when we're home nobody sees us so we can drink these fruity things all the time drink them on off podcasting days hey you know what people who keep telling me we're gonna miss that daily podcast i'm gonna kind of

miss doing it because uh yeah i get some shit going on right now fucking there's nothing worse than having news that you can't tell well you know you don't say anything you get to sit on this for a while fucking don't tell me till i can tell it just don't fucking tell me stuff you mean meaning hennigan just pipe down yeah well i mean they have to tell me stuff because i got to agree to it but it's still i hate that fucking don't well don't say anything because because why because why what's going to be that much different well you can see this this thing no i don't now come on shush i don't even think that uh yeah it's probably not a big deal to other people but point is uh i don't uh i like having things like the podcast to do so i don't have to work on actual creative projects or things i promised

myself i'd do for years well yeah you know i gotta fucking get my shit together for the podcast tonight and that means picking out oh well what goes into a blue hawaiian because that's what we're drinking tonight here in the fun house blue hawaiians and that uh has blue shit in it uh god fucking mitch mulaney does anyone remember that comic he was a cool dude and uh i remember working with him in texas once and he was talking about having to order uh girly drinks at a bar all right it wasn't a fucking groundbreaking premise but he he but he had to buy a fucking blue something. Let's say it was blue Hawaiian. Yeah, I need two beers and two shots of Jack Daniels and a blue Hawaiian.

A what? A blue Hawaiian. What's in that? I don't know. Put transmission fluid in the fucking thing. Just make it blue, all right? Something to that effect. For a while, he had a show for a minute, kind of like Tom Rhodes.

He had some, like, teacher. He was a teacher show. Like, Rhodes had the same premise on, like, the WB. It was one of those guys you thought, oh, he went off the road. He just went into TV, and then you hadn't heard his name in a while and you don't watch the wb or upn whatever they become and so you google him and then oh he fucking died of a stroke well when he was like 35 or something for real he did yeah a long time ago like it was it was years after i did whatever happened to that mitch mulaney he was a great guy. He was a blue Hawaiian.

Yeah, fucking blue Hawaiian. Well, I think at the end of this, for the last night, I might drink our version of a bar mat. You said they're called what? A hairy buffalo. Hairy buffalo. I'm sure it's regional. They have different names. You drain out the fucking bar mat of all the spilled drinks.

The mat, like that little three-inch mat. On the bar. Yeah, and they just take that and pour that. I think it was usually, Tracy was telling me, she was a bartender for many years, she said that you would usually pour that to some asshole who's like, hey, whatever you got, you pick it. And it's like, what do you want?

Whatever, whatever. And then she would just, yeah. But my version of that is going to be just the ends of bottles. Football season, people come over and they fucking drink and they're welcome to it. I have a fully stocked bar and they fucking drink and they will drink down to just like a quarter of an inch

or a half an inch of whatever the thing is and they don't want to be the guy to finish it to kill the bottle. Yeah. So they just leave that. And then no one wants to drink it because it's not even enough for a full fucking drink. And I don't want to throw it away because it's just something that's wrong about throwing away any amount of alcohol.

If there is a half of a shot in a plastic jug of fucking $9 vodka, I will pour that into my morning orange juice rather than throw it away. If I'm sick from alcohol, I'd still rather drink it than dump it. Rub it on a mosquito bite rather than throw it away. It's so fucking weird. You know what?

On the break, what we should do is we should just gather the bottles so we have an idea of how many there are. There was two bottles of Tuaca because only Mikey Palmer and Chris Dunwoody would drink Tuaca and only then randomly. There were two bottles of Tuaca because only Mikey Palmer and Chris Dunwoody were drink Tuaca. And only then randomly there were two bottles of Tuaca with about a shot and a half to two shots left.

And I married those two. So we'll, I'm sure we'll find a Tuaca drink. Tuaca is good by itself. Tracy and I used to get up. It's really good. Oh my God. I bet it mixes with something.

I want to fucking do more days in the hole. This is like eight or nine fucking songs left, drinks left. I leave on Saturday, and I'm going to have to have fucking Brian Hennigan here. And he's not going to be a trooper and want to make drinks. He's not all happy and glad to do stuff. I mean, he'll drink them with me and they'll have fun on the podcast, but save the shots that it's that, you know, it's the, when the mic is off, where's the fucking team spirit,

then fucking slip shot Schmenigan. Well, by the way, it's always, if you're talking about the filthy uncut Scotsman, it's always fucking slap-happy Slenagan. It's always two syllables, you know, slap-shot, slum-agan, however. Three and three is what it is. Yeah.

So give his... Ding-dong, den-agan, whatever. Give his Twitter. It's at Mr. Hennegan. Yeah, you guys did gang up on Chad Shank quite a bit, but you did kind of take... Most of you said the exact same thing that I said, and the key is to everyone find a unique reason

that he has to come on. Like, everyone went, hey, the podcast sucks without you. I did say to say that, but I mean say something like that if enough people have it so fuck with the filthy uncut Scotsman

you know this is very valuable I want to make sure he's in the proper fucking spirits when he takes over for Chaley because those are going to be my tender years coming out of the fucking I have to re assimilate to society coming out of the trailer and I'm going to be my tender years coming out of the fucking i have to re re-assimilate to society coming out of the trailer and i'm going to be switched from uh the good manager the tour manager to the evil

manager the guy that makes me do projects so he can make a living manager and he's not the guy that sits around and looks up beverages and i i'm going to get a muddler so we can crush cherries and mints in the bottom of a glass. And I'm going to do that all afternoon. No, he has other shit to do. I'll be back. I'm going to the vegan restaurant in town. I'm going to work on my computer. Now your phone, your phone's on.

It just went. I don't care if my phone's on. Stop it. All right. There was a day. There's this other thing. Maybe we'll fucking break out shots tonight. We bought this.

This is. It seemed like a joke. It almost sounded good. When I looked at it, it looked like a joke. Then I read it and I go. In my head, it sounds delicious. It's choco vine. It is the taste of Dutch chocolate and fine red wine.

It's chocolate wine. But see, you already know there's no way there's fine red wine in there. There's no way. Not even fine Dutch chocolate. But the idea. It says so. Come on, Joe. At first, when I read that and I looked at it because it it's obviously chocolate

colored yeah but i thought it's a red wine i was thinking you know berries and and dark chocolate go good together so i'm just thinking red and like wine is not really like a berry wine is more like wine and it's not like eating a berry but there's still when i had that image it still sounded like could be flavorful and the what queered me bought it anyway because i was on a fucking spree and just finding something different at safeway oh this is more fun than buying rose's lime right or grenadine what what really kills the whole thing is the name because it's Choco Vine. Two words. It's missing a hyphen.

That's the only way you can make it creepier is Choco Vino. Choco Vine. Two words. That's fucking terrible. They should play up the flirtatiousness of it and not premium chocolate and premium wine. Where are they taking the premium chocolate in Belgium? Are they taking it to this factory to make fucking wine? No.

You never know. No, come on. We'll see at the end of this podcast we're gonna start out the podcast with chaley's corner because uh we've had some uh few issues should i put like a technical or a news drop like a background chaley's corner i don't know yeah you can drop whatever in there hey that song you just dropped in there. I can't wait to hear it. That's the new one. Yeah.

First of all, Chaley, and this has been going on for a week or 10 days, maybe. Apparently, yeah. I mean, since the first guy, we said, hey, fuck you. Obviously, our podcast cannot stop your iPod. Your iPhone or whatever. But then again, then we got like 50 more fucking people. I didn't get any. I got two.

I got the first one yesterday. All right. Well, yeah, there's a lot of people saying, hey, what's going on? This podcast that makes my my iPhone freeze up. So so several people have said that. And I guess currently we don't have any fucking idea. So if that's happening to you, tweet at Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. That's Greg, C-H-A-I-L-L-E, at Greg Chaley.

And tell him what kind of device, what else? Well, it would help. It would help when I open a ticket with our server that we know the device that you're listening to it on. If you're listening through iTunes or Stitcher or whatever, and anything else like what episode specifically. That would be great, those three things. Great.

All right, that's one thing. Second thing, and you have a couple of stories. We'll try to keep them brief. But Chaley, as you know, handles all the merchandise. So, well, I'm the only one bringing in money right now. Yeah, sure. Well, good. You're going to take care of your own.

Take care of that wife over there doing her fucking Pilates in the suicide house. So you take your and I want nothing to do with it. Hey, if you if if something's gonna be signed Chaley puts his shit in front of my face And gives me a silver pen And I just like a robot Like the elephant that paints

Right I swirl my trunk around a silver sharpie We don't even like Start making my mark We don't even like trust your trunk to hold it. So like we duct tape pan to your hand. So, uh,

so he goes over there and he, and occasionally, you know, there's no businesses without problems. It fucking thing gets crunched in the mail or whatever. The thing gets late. Some of what you put the wrong fucking address on your PayPal. And you're like,

Oh, I think I never got the thing. Well, it came back. It said UPS tried three times at 421 Crestview. I haven't lived there in fucking 10 years. Well, tell your PayPal. Don't tell us. It's not like we knew you 10 years ago. But Chaley deals with these problems.

Tell them about the fucking One guy The first guy and you told me about the second one just now The poster? Yeah the poster We have the posters and you sign all the posters They're left over from the last Gasp Tour 2014 And we put them online And these are road posters

There's a little where And I probably should have mentioned that But someone Emailed me and said There's a little where, and I probably should have mentioned that, but someone emailed me and said. It's not fucking puke on them. There might be a little. And there are ones that are ripped and things. I pull those, pull them out of there. But he wanted a refund and said that he's paid.

You are fastidious in your fucking work ethic, and fastidious is not even a word that I read. Punctilious. Fastidious is a word I knew. Yes. If I'm right. You should know punctilious. So he wants a refund.

And then I just push back and I go, okay, just send it back. And then, and then Doug's like, I told him about it. And he goes like guaranteed that that's not going to happen. And ends up, the guy says, no, I'll keep it. And no, that's not what happened to it. Yeah. No, this guy. No, this, oh, this guy says, no, I'll keep it. And no, that's not what happened. Yeah, no, this guy. Oh, this guy. Hang on.

This guy, he did like, I know this because I'm the fucking asshole to every, you know, and then they put the supervisor on the phone and then you're somehow placated and he knows the game and I know the game. But now I get to yell at a supervisor. Now it's all out of me because I get to yell at someone who made more money. Point is this guy is just Chaley's like, all right, I'll just send your money back. And then the, cause he didn't fight with him. The guy's like, oh, it's all right.

I just, I thought it'd be a better condition. Don't worry about it. But then Chaley's like, all right, I'll give you five bucks back. because there's something with the shipping. He had two different items shipped and bitched about the price of the shipping. As if it was just a poster. That's a combination of two prices of shipping because they ship separately. And then he goes, I'll give you five bucks back. And so everything's good now.

He met the guy's demands with the five bucks back. But then, guy, we put the last Gasp t-shirts on sale because we we got to get rid of them and that was the other item he had already bought before it went on sale and he says oh hey uh thanks for the refund and uh can i get 10 bucks back now that the last gaffs uh t-shirts have gone on sale and we're still negotiating this yeah he acts like there's some kind of legal precedent that's been set so because we've been emailing in the process of when this went on we're still not done with with the transaction so this is shit you pull at target yeah and so shaley just wrote back now and another guy quickly because you just told me this one.

Which one was it? Some guy that just had some other order. Oh, he's returning a shirt because it's the wrong color. And it's like, but the color, there's a picture. He expected black. And it says charcoal. Yeah, with a picture. But I didn't say charcoal gray, I guess.

No, fucking charcoal is charcoal. But there's a picture that's gray, clearly gray. And I said, send a picture. But I didn't say charcoal gray, I guess. No, fucking charcoal is charcoal. But there's a picture that's gray, clearly gray. And I said, send it back. And I'm paying for the shipping to bring it back. No, that's okay. No, I'm paying for the shipping, bringing it back. You're not happy? Bring it back.

I don't need a fucking tweet going to Mr. Stanhope. No, no, that's my point. I just told Chaley, people pull this bullshit because we're fucking very decent people. If something gets fucked up, I remember when mother would fucking send orders. I don't know if I told you this, but mother would send orders when she took care of my merch. And like, I get a fucking email. I'm on the road.

And someone go, I ordered something in July. This is turning like towards football season now. I ordered something with a, you know, and it never showed up. And I'd call Mai, go, Mai, you fucking up to date on the shipping? Because I got a couple emails. And she's like, I've got to get to them. She goes, she would say this. She goes, I remember when you would

order something on television, it would always say, wait six to eight weeks for shipping. And I go, Ma, that was in the fucking 70s. That doesn't work anymore. Well, they should fucking know. And she was belligerent.

And if that happened, I'm just like, all right, here, put fucking, give them extra DVDs and CDs and make up for this because you can't do that. Yeah.

That's just fucking unacceptable. Well, today. Yeah. So, yeah. If we fuck stuff up, I can't tell you how much free shit I've given away when something's been fucked up and it's our fault. But you start pulling this fucking nickel-dimey,

I'm fucking going to go yell at the Target guy with us, you can suck a fucking dick. Oh, I thought it was going to be black, I want a refund. You fucking eat that you wear that till it's fucking you get some shoe polish dick because fucking chaley he's like ah yeah no i i told him to send it back i go no what you do if someone's being a fucking taint like that being a little scab scratcher what you do chaley is you go okay let me turn you over to my supervisor and then you send me the email and let me go fucking public with it i'll put them on my website

all right hey hey you fucking mendicant don't you listen to the podcast you'd know what that word means can't you read the fucking simple print of charcoal have you never cooked a fucking burger before over an open flame, you dunce cap? Stink willy? Yeah, that's what you'll get. You fucking try to play these fucking... Can I get a rain

check? Because I see that the shirt is on sale and I get my checks on the first of the month. That's when the government sends out the checks. So can I get a rain check? Do I need a slip?

Can I get the tracking number to follow the tracking of the package as it sails across the golden plains? No. No. Chaley works his fucking ass off.

In fact, there was a tweet I actually retweeted. Oh my God, I can't believe this came already. Someone got their shit immediately because that's what you do. Instead of come over and fucking, hey, let's have some Sunday mimosas during the day. Those drinks don't count. And plus, Sundays don't count.

No, I can't. I can't because I'm fucking stuffing envelopes all day. Getting merch ready for an early Monday delivery. Well, hang on, hang hang on we're still in negotiations so technically that went on sale because uh it's not fucking black friday cocksucker how about you know what send the shirt back you don't deserve it you don't fucking know you can't buy the shirt send it back you'll get your money back and you can never buy but give us your uh your twitter address you're blocked you don't get to be a fan you know what i have what they call an underground fan base a cult

following they have a lot of words for it you know what it means is a limited and you know what i'm putting a cap on it there's no more allowed i'm sorry there's no room for you there's no room for you and you're fucking petty fucking nitpicking. So yeah, go, yeah, go, go suck an egg. Pumpkin head.

That's what I say. Don't need you. Don't need your business. Okay. Thank you. That's what, and everyone else, you know what?

If there's ever a problem, the serious problem, you're not just being a fucking asshole about who can't throw black from charcoal. I'm not wearing charcoal. People are going to call me a fruitcake if i wear charcoal something is fucking gay and frolicky as charcoal i need a solid black or my depressing friends you're gonna call call me light in the loafers you affected nice charcoal they're lighting the loafers what's that underpants i think it's

canadian i'm not sure i know it's not hawaiian but this blue hawaiian oh my god i'm getting i'm getting the sweats all right and last for chaley's corner even though i'm doing most of your talking for you no you should i get control i like the way you get the get to the point. Hey, you know, it's fucking Todd Glass randomly out of the fucking blue. Direct message me on Twitter and said, hey, I'm proud of you. Go ahead. You just suck it up and take it. And I. Well, because I don't take compliments well or we don't as comics and I go, I don't know

specifically what you're referring to, but I know that we've been, I'm assuming it's because we've been talking a lot about you and your book on the podcast. The last couple of days, he said, I had no idea you did that. I just saw your name in my phone and thought everyone needs positive

affirmations every now and then we go, well, how about that? Cause we've been talking the fucking shit about you. Fucking page 24 had a fucking belly laughing at that. I had to go read to all my friends if you have nothing else read fucking page 24 of todd glass's book where he talks about shifting conversations so it wouldn't be about him that is a really good belly laugh

involving hot coffee and a baby all right kind of gave it away right not not enough no it's still good it's still good it's just a line. I fucking laughed out loud, literally, and then went and read it to other people. So, yeah, say nice things. And when I say something nice about people, fucking tweet them every now. Hey, fucking Doug Stanoff is just singing your praises on the podcast. Because when someone compliments you to your face, it means shit. Yeah, because we've all done it. We've all watched someone on stage.

What's the angle? And no way where you have to say something. And so you see someone eat shit on stage and fucking bury their face in a bowl of it. And then they walk off and you go, hey, fucking good job, man. A tight crowd or whatever. You just say some lie. So then every time someone says something nice to you in your face you think that they they feel like they have to say something and they're lying so when someone says something nice behind your

back that's a great thing i always tell people hey fucking this is you know what when you left the room last night that fucking lady that was supposed to be with the fucking three arts she were just saying how really fucking great it is and what a really honest, real person. Whatever they said, because they weren't there to hear it. So, yeah, do that. There's a nice thing you can do today. Pay it forward. Yeah, pass on a fucking behind-the-back compliment.

Tell someone that, yeah, they were saying nice things about you. You should know that, because they're right. The last thing I have. Oh, wait. Okay, we have two more things. But this comes off of that. I told this. I think his name is Perry Adams.

His Twitter handle is at Adam Smasher. Adam underscore Smasher. Get it? Adam? Got it. Up and Adam. Adamant. That probably has nothing.

Adam Smasher. Perry Adams. He ordered a t-shirt and accidentally hit it twice because it didn't load the first time. He didn't know how to go about canceling the second order. So the first thing he does is tweet me.

Oh, that's good like twitter is like as though i read every fucking tweet i get that's the best i'm just is it is there a way like if you were i've never ordered a fucking t-shirt off my website i've ordered it plenty of times so when people talk about this on the air last night about going through the website no we talked about it today yeah that's something i actually have to do perry is actually go through my website as though i were just you you're a fucking comic by the way perry you're a comic your fucking default photo is you i was talking into a microphone with a curtain behind it so you of all people should know your first course of action when you have some technical problem with the merchandise of

an artist's site the best thing to do first is probably not tweet the actual artist if you're buying my t-shirt probably means that i don't lick the envelope on that T-shirt when it goes out. Neither do I. The point is, again, it always comes back to that Todd Barry bit. Do you think the Stones go through this? Hey, Mick, I'm going to see you at the fucking amphitheater tonight and get off work at six. Going to be a little hungry. won't have time to eat. Do you know if they serve hot dogs at the snack bar?

There's no, I'm doing a disservice, but Todd Barry wrote the one bit that you always have to, in these situations, refer to. I don't fucking know. Chaley knows, Chaley will not let you buy the same T-shirt twice. You know why? Because he's kind of perceptive and he'll see, oh, this guy ordered the exact same thing within three seconds of each other.

No, I'd send him. Absolutely. The email he gets upon completion of the transaction, it says, if there's any issues, please. And I give my personal email address. So if there is a problem, you have two emails now that tell you to contact me directly. Right.

I'll see that. So there is something that's pretty obvious to any half-wit that they don't go, ah, jeez, I don't know any other way than tweet and hope for the best. Tweet to you is like probably tweet to santa claus that's probably quicker i used to have prank letters on my site this is shit i gotta go i gotta go through the site it's on the site all that stuff all that old shit a lot of letters was

because it was back when dear abby was still around and uh i was a dear letters was because it was back when Dear Abby was still around. And I was a Dear Abby because it was you always mail to a P.O. box. Yeah. And I wrote a letter about how my baby is choking and I'm a busy mother. What do I do? She's turning blue. And I don't know if to do the squeezy chesty thing or if it's because it's a baby. If that might be too rough. Hope to hear from you.

Like people would write to Dear Abby with serious fucking problems. Every now and then you'd read the thing. And it'd be someone with, I guess, serious problems. You threw that into a fucking P.O. box and just sat there on a couch for weeks and months with your fingers crossed, hoping your letter would get selected. And that's kind of what you did when you tweeted me if i weren't just sitting around doing nothing but figuring out how to have

all the accoutrements for a blue hawaiian ready by seven i might not have seen that and you might be walking around with two fat t-shirts you You pudgy fucking large-faced Perry Adams. I hope you're funny. Oh, you know that they're like double X or three X? No, I just saw. You look a little pudgy. He's probably not. I mean, maybe he's fat like me.

All right, that's enough for Chaley's Corner. That's a long Chaley's Corner. It was a long Chaley's Corner. Bingo sends her love and thanks you for all of your well wishes uh she i don't know if she ever goes to twitter i know she's not now because they're actually trying from what i know they're trying to make that video project work despite her face i gotta get new pictures of her face up because now it's turning daily you should do it like i know but she's been out all day so i think she's filming i don't know i don't i don't try to break her stride we had breakfast

this morning with uh lindy and they were talking lindy is fucking funny and i want to get lindy on and try to i don't know if there's any way of recreating that day where she was here last summer and we were hung over and we started doing mimosas i don't think she was drinking but other people were there's a bunch of gals out there on the patio and she had told a joke and then like a street joke oh yeah it was like a britney spears knock knock joke or something yeah it was oops i the knock Oops, I think I did it again. But we started... Everyone was really kind of overtired and silly. Were you there? Oh, yeah.

And Tracy was there? Yeah, because I know there was mimosas going down. I think Gretchen was there. Whatever it was, we started telling real dumb knock-knock, screw in a light bulb, pedestrian three, whatever is walking into a bar. we're doing them like all right how would you do that if you're trying to sell that as like comedy material uh write that down for tomorrow because if i can get her in here at any fucking point and just try to go over so we as we were just killing it was one of those morning we can

never recreate because it was a like this snot fucking weeping tears just laughing like a retarded child in a in a good way like all the great things about retarded children uh as andy andrews says that's why we drink to try to make us, make us that happy. I paraphrase, but, but yeah, that would be fun to get her on and try to recreate some of that. I think she can do it.

Yeah. I, I, I'm remembering a few, but I'm not going to try to do it now. We got too much to do. Her fucking husband had a group. It was just someone who misspoke,

but it was a very funny story. I guess they're, they live in, like, Riverton, Wyoming. Out there. It's real. Well, you said it was five hours to get to the airport to fly here. Yeah, it's like half an hour from Lander, which is you've been to. We played there, and it's not near anything. You can't even put how far in the fucking middle of nowhere this place is.

And Riverton is the ugly landers. The kind of quaint, pretty one artist artist kind of Riverton is where all the fucking orange reflective vests hang up there. Fucking muddy boots in a motel to barbecue out in front of the, yeah. 24 95 a night with color TV. Now with soap.

So that's where they live and they have some kind of band because they're musical they're very talented people they're the ones shooting this video and so they i guess get a band together uh of some kind just to fuck around to do something yeah just to have an outlet to play and i guess one guy joined because they had a crush on someone else in the band and then they left and then they're like fuck this so they they have a drummer and all he does is mope around and uh they and say things like yeah i don't even feel like i belong i just i feel like a fourth wheel here jeremy's going that that's a good thing it's called the car yeah the fourth wheel that's it's kind of a crucial wheel it's a breakthrough so i told the story just a general misspeak this is a fucking jan michael vincent this is

uh if you don't know jan michael vincent he Airwolf at the time, the highest paid actor on television before that. Action movies. I just remember. Yeah. Like the fucking good looking young dude. He was in the Surfer movie. Endless Summer? No.

What the fuck was that? I have no idea. Yeah. He was the crazy guy. He was a huge star in the 70s. Yeah, most of his 70s career before Airwolf was shirtless. Yes. On the banana splits, he did like that island one where they had a donut.

Point is, now he's fucked. Forever. Forever. If you do any study of death pool you've probably run across big wednesday big wednesday it was it was mentioned or quoted a lot big wednesday star i don't know the movie but uh they national inquirer got some an interview with him and a lot of it on video and he's just fucked he like he can't even tell you're there at times. Or that's how it seems.

A lot of it is the guy doing the interview. The guy's name, I wrote it down, is he sucked so fucking bad that I had to find him on Twitter. And there's one guy with the same name. Where's the goddamn name? Oh, Mike Jacarino. J-A-C-C-A-R-I-N-O, Jacarino.

And there's one that's a lawyer, but then you find the writer guy because he's so fucking awful. You got Jan Michael Vincent. Now he's like 69 years old, sitting on a porch, still has really nice hair, but he looks like a hobo. And he talks like he doesn't have teeth and he's lost the leg to uh it got amputated from alcoholism been a fucking drunk since since the seven forever yeah forever like dan hagerty at one point is quoted as saying that how many times he had to

bring him grizzly adams like how he had to drag him to rehab uh you know three or several times one point he stole his like porsche or lamborghini out of the driveway and got into a fucking huge police chase with it and then evaded police and came back to the house and said wow this thing fucking hauls ass and then fucking dan hagerty went down to the store and was surrounded by fucking swat he's like i wasn't driving this earlier so he's like yeah i lost touch with him the guy's a sad case so it so this guy's interviewing him and he's terrible the guy's he's acting like he's talking to a fucking child which he kind of is but he's like yelling and and can't get, I timed at one point. How do you want to be remembered?

He took 40 seconds to ask that question. Jan, how do you want to be remembered? In 30, 40, 50 years from now, when people look back, like my kids, when I tell my kids what I, 40 seconds of this hemming and hawing, When I tell my kids what I 40 seconds of this hemming and hawing, like, I guess, I mean, what I'm trying to say is like 40 seconds. How do you want to be remembered? I don't think about that. Done.

Yeah. So they're both it's like pulling teeth with him but the guy asking the questions is asking him like there's a tooth that needs to be pulled and he can't just say the question and leave the silence fucking your textbook fucking retard how you get any job in journalism but he's working for the national inquirer the fact that i took time out of my day to look him up on Twitter to tell him he sucked, but not ever actually follow through because I feel that's mean. Point is, at some point, this is not in the video, but it's in the text. At some point, he's talking about his leg being amputated. It got chopped off and then he got

from an infection from whatever from being a drunk and then they had to get another infection after they chopped it off so they had to chop even more off. And asking about this Are you sure he doesn't have diabetes or something? It was some kind

I have no idea. Well, whatever it is. Yeah. That's what it sounds like. It was some... I can't even remember. They said what it was. Some kind of shitty circulation.

Probably from diabetes. Probably from alcohol. Anyway, there's no doubt that he's done. He's sponge-brained. And regarding his amputation, he said, you know, I look back now, and there's nothing to be upset about when I think about what our U.S. military goes through.

You know, they're the real heroes. Yeah, they're the real heroes yeah they're the real heroes as though they're trying to intimate that you having drank your fucking limb withered and lopped off are being confused as a hero it's no big

deal when you compare it to what our US military has to go through they're the real heroes I'm just a guy sitting on a broken fucking porch It's no big deal when you compare it to what our U.S. military has to go through. They're the real heroes. I'm just a guy sitting on a broken fucking porch in Vicksburg, Mississippi, whistling fucking songs with my lack of teefuses, chewing on my own fucking gums and, you know, mawning at what used to be teAS's, trying to make a sentence. Who's your favorite actor that you worked with?

Who's the actor that was the most blah, blah, blah? That was his last question. And he goes, Jan Michael Vincent. Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's the only one he could remember was himself. Pretty sad. Yeah.

So with that. Well, I just looked it up. It's peripheral artery. Shit. Peripheral artery disease. That's what I said. It was blood clot, blood circulation. I intimated diabetes.

But well, that's kind of what diabetes does. Yeah. Poor circulation. Yeah. And then you get an infection. kind of what diabetes does. Yeah. Poor circulation. And then you get an infection. And then neuropathy. Gets bad. Fucking cold toes. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, though, that was that happy note. I'm going to take a break and then we'll get some fucking things going on. Please hold while I finish this blue Hawaiian. Hey, what's in a blue Hawaiian? Before we bail out of here, tell these kids they might want to take this break to have a blue Hawaiian. Alright. Stock your bar. You need three quarters ounce light rum, three quarters ounce

vodka, half ounce of blue curacao, three ounces of pineapple juice and one ounce of sweet and sour. I shook it and then poured it over ice. I think some of those pictures you had I think the fucking song of the day today is actually gonna go well with a blue Hawaiian. Yes.

If you were in a tiki bar, you could see how this fucking song... But that's in a bit. Don't go away yet, kids. We'll be right back. The word of the day today is brought to you by Boyer & Boyer Certified Public Accountants. What's the matter, Dean? You seem very frustrated. Well, you know, it's tax time,

and I can't figure out all these forms. I can't tell, is this a debit or a credit? I'm going crazy. Why don't you let Boyer and Boyer handle it? Boyer and Boyer, yes, they're located on 2496 North DuPont Parkway right here in Middleton, Delaware. Oh, that sounds great. How do I know that I'm not going to get bamboozled? Well, Boyer and Boyer, they take the time to know their clients and

customize strategies that will fit their needs now and in the future. That sounds great, Kelly. Well, thanks, Dean. Call them now at Boyer and Boyer 302-464-1300. That's 302-464-1300. Tell me again, Kelly, so I can write it down. I'm not really good with numbers. You crazy, Dean. 302-464-1300. Boyer and Boyer. Business tax filing, formation services, individual tax preparation, e-filing, business advisory, bookkeeping services, not-for-profits, estates, and trusts. So nice, they named it twice. And your word for the day, coming to you from the Roget's Thesaurus

of words for intellectuals, a gift from at Mr. Hennigan, pig-dink-ding-a-ding, sedulous. That's the word right there. It's a fucking strong word.-ding. Sedulous. That's the word right there. It's a fucking strong word. Sedulous? Sedulous.

S-E-D-U-L-O-U-S. Sedulous. Sedulous. And that means done or crafted with perseverance, diligence, and care. Sedulous. The amount of time that I put into trying to break customer service spirits when I wake up with a head full of shame and toxicity. Sedulous. The work I put in trying

to make an Indian call center hang up on me when they're told they can never be the first person to hang up you have to invoke their gods can't even can't even say your mother i hope your daughter dies in a car fire they fucking they're rapists the fucking guy doesn't care about women his mother your rape his mother gang rape i'm not even gonna fucking go down this road because you know i don't want to burn material and i have i have some indian rape stuff that i think uh yeah of course i'll i'll have to get back on stage we're not going to do that by sitting here on a podcast now are we a couple things uh announcements junior stopka i really fucking wish i could be there this weekend in Appleton, Wisconsin. Because not only is it a fun fuck around vibe from the top down with Cliffy, the owner, that's this is the club where the woman complained about us being vulgar. And I wrote the letter back to the woman and saying, we agree with you.

They write the scripts. I don't know if you know how comedy works, but yeah, the club actually writes the scripts that we have to prepare as actors. You were appalled as well? She fucking completely bought it. It's that club. Fun people. Skyline Comedy Club. Me and the owner egged a cop one night. It's fun to be had. He has Junior Stopka and Andy Andrist

on the same fucking bill in Appleton Thursday through Sunday March 12 through 14 of the year of our Lord 20,015 20,000, 2000, 20,015 like is there a chance that you're going to go on the wrong

night so that's tonight I thought it was a lot of time to prepare for this show like that's an excuse I thought it was Oh, I thought that was 20,000 I thought I had a lot of time To prepare for this show Honey, honey Like that's an excuse For forgetting your girlfriend's birthday

I already booked a hotel room Honey, it says You wrote down 20,015 So I made other plans Yeah, Andy and Junior Are two amazingly gifted They have a special set of skills they're very funny

but sometimes can go off the rails and put them together and it's like put two junkies it's like celebrity rehab I'll slip up if you slip up well you fucked up both of them are gonna I know what's gonna happen

is they'll watch each other and they'll go, well, I didn't fuck up as bad as him. So I have, I have this much leeway to fuck up because he fucked up worse. So I'll still look good in comparison. It would be so brilliant to watch it.

I'd almost employ it to bootleg the thing, but I can't do that. And if you do bootleg it, then you should be killed. But I can't go. I, it wouldn'tlegged uh then you should be killed but oh there i can't go i that's it wouldn't be good for your sobriety mr stanhope if you were to uh go to appleton appleton wisconsin with cocktease kelly whose tooth i busted out in the desert party yeah stanhope you knocked out my front Tooth all I get is shitty tips

I had a four top that just tipped me like $6 on an $80 bill and now I have to pay for Tooth go see that and Mishka Shabali hey fucking London listen up do you want me to come back there you really want me to come back there then fucking go to MishkaShabali.com Mishka you know the regular podcast the potato peelings in the sink, all of a sudden, if you're a depressed, fucking psychotic alcoholic and everyone in the UK is Mishka Shubali is

doing this just skin and bones tour over there. He's pulling dates out of his ass and some of them they're like daily. He's like, oh, I found a venue. So go to Mishka. Hey, if you can fucking hook him up with a gig, he has like four London dates for next week that are TBA. So maybe you own a pub and you can put him there. Fucking Mishka.

He will crush. Yeah, you will. You will drink yourself into a bottomless pit of despair. Yeah, fucking tap dancing all the way. Love it. Am I the only one drinking tonight? Mishka Shibali.com. He's in London.

I know he's there on the 11th, which is probably the day after you're hearing this at a place called the Bedford, I believe, because I am looking at the wrong notes. I put my USA today on top of my notes. You know why? Because I've been reading the USA Today.

It gives me a reason to go to Safeway, which I can do up to four or five times a day. I'll just find a reason and just drive over to Safeway and then get my news from the USA Today. And right here at the top on the front, in life, it's the end of Nurse Jackie. See, I would have never known that without the USA Today Nurse Jackie is I watched about five minutes of that once and I was horrified it's a fucking terrible show

but evidently Tony Shalhoub is in it because I see his pretty face there Tony Shalhoub always a great comedy reference will never be beaten into the ground sounds funny he's funny to look at Tony Shalhoub

if Andy Kindler if you can picture it coming out of andy kindler it's already perfect comedy tony shalhoub can you not hear andy kindler saying tony shalhoub perfectly and i don't know that he's ever said it so beat him to the punch there's that what was i saying when i was trying to oh the bedford the bedford in london march 11th march 11th find him mishka shubali how do you spell that it's not double o it's shubali with a u but just fuck it up and google will fix it for you jesus yeah i've been fucking his name for years it's not like i said uh reynolds but it's oh it's r-a-y nolds well then you're going to get a lot of Mike Reynolds. There's not a lot of Mishka Shubalis. Okay, I made my point.

I'm belaboring things. And thanks for the gifts. I had some shit. I got some more weird non-sequitur kind of cartoony stuff that's overwritten and makes me paranoid when I look at it. That's how funny. When your artwork is so drug infused that I actually get the paranoia and swampy back sweats from looking at the art that was influenced by the drugs. That's too much.

Tone it down a bit. But thank you. Where is it? Is it in your books? All those little tiny books. Yeah. Yeah. Where's the artwork?

It's right there. But I have a fucking drink in one hand and I get a book adrian that's our friend she wrote that thing for harper's weekly she sent me these a shitload of books that are cool books and like uh mini books conrad what's the guy the hearts of darkness guy and and uh dostoevsky which had the print is so small, but a million of these Penguin 60s classics, and they're like three-inch by two-inch little booklets. This one's Benjamin Franklin, The Means and Manner of Obtaining Virtue. I can't wait to read this.

That's not three-inch by two-inch. Whatever, what is it? That's like four by five. Fucking, four by five is like 3x2 3x2 is tiny It would be like a mouse book Well alright

So it's 4x5 I get a fucking tape measure You're a cocksucker You can't even find the tape measure It's closer to 4x5 than 3x2 You know what we're going to find out And we're going to fucking leave it What's that?

That's 5 and three quarters. Oh, jeez. By four and a quarter. All right. Yeah. All right. It's bigger than what you said. See?

Oh, wow. I'm so fucking wrong. You know what? It doesn't matter because you just added a fucking minute to a podcast that's already gone too long. You love to be accurate. And three by two is fucking tiny. Fucking 80 pages long. And she sent me like, I want to go on vacation with these. guess it's already gone too long you love to be accurate and three by two is fucking tiny fucking

80 pages long and she sent me like it does i want to go on vacation with these i want to go to costa rica and just sit and leave these because not only do i want to read like 80 pages of what ben franklin had to say in a really easy format but i want to leave them behind at those flop house hotels where people really count on the book you left behind because they're sleeping in a place for $22 a night. And they're going to have to read some J.A. Jantz. And they don't want to look at the ants crawling up the walls. And she sent me like fucking 30 of these little weird 1960s booklets of famous people. This is the thing that I.

Look at this one. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fireside Chats. But see, Doug, people send you books all the time. No one takes the time to write a little note. She sent me like 30 of the fucking things. You're going to write a note and everyone... Even the people that send you one book, they don't say anything in there.

That makes me feel worse. If you do write something in it, then I feel bad when I give it to fucking your thrift store. It's going to go somewhere. Everyone knows that. George Orwell. Rudyard Kipling. Baba Black Sheep. Yeah, what?

I don't know if those are short stories or if they're hugely abridged. I don't know. But thanks for the gifts. There's something I'm forgetting. Someone sent me a Farside cartoon book thank you it's like fucking Christmas I like it when I get to a place where I bitch that the gifts aren't good enough today

I get fucking gifts every day for doing nothing but yelling into a microphone hey it's 212 Van Dyke Street Bisbee, Arizona 85603 send it to doug yeah thanks for the shit i fucking i really it makes my morning yesterday what did i say it was sunday hate sundays i said i would fuck it if if i did this again i would just stock up on xanax and take a full bar of xanax on uh saturday night when i went to bed and just keep taking Xanax every time I woke up till Monday

because there's no mail on Sunday. And that's what I really look forward to the most, is the dumb shit you send me, even if I get to complain. Even sometimes more when I get to complain about it because I love to complain. It's what I do. I go ahead and drink that. I'm going to.

One more shot of that fucking. Oh, yeah. We didn't even tell the people at the break. We were. Hold on. I can't go vine. I can't have you drink it alone. All right.

You like to say hold on a lot when we're trying to fucking wrap this up. No. I have to tell you something. What? I did something without telling you what I'll tell you. Cheers. Choco Vine. I bought a...

In doing the merch, we threw in the Alco condoms, of which we're now out of. And I also bought like 200 postcards. Oh, yeah. No, you did tell me that because the first one came back. They're starting to come back. You put that are already pre-addressed.

Are they stamped? Stamped pre-addressed postcards to bingo. So all that shit going out. And there's a little note in there explaining, hey, just if you can, just. You put a little note in there too? That says, hey, if you get a chance, just send this to Bingo. Drop in the thing. Write something stupid. Yeah.

And then Tracy was helping one day and she was putting those addressed envelopes in the ones that are going to the UK and Australia and New Zealand. I'm like, oh, shit. I should have told her. Yeah. Pull those from the international orders. But we just sent them out. Who knows? Maybe it works.

Maybe they're like, fuck it, just send it over there. But I ran out of stamps, so we're going to start back up this week. Well, yeah, the rest of those candy cigarettes are going to be going out in some orders. Yeah, do a proper re-gift, like those re-tweets I did. But she doesn't know what's going on yet. But now I have bingo stamps coming in with her sticker as the stamp. Wow. You're going to have to explain that to me when I'm interested off the air.

It doesn't matter. But now those are going to come back and then she's going to see these bingo stamps on a postcard. And she has no idea who these people are. And it's random like hey how what did you have for breakfast yeah that'd be great excellent she doesn't know sir yeah i want you to get the joke so that you can play along yeah uh i will and you know what else i love feedback on the fucking songs i like the fucking feedback you give me on the songs because it i i i i gauge whether or not i'm a good person based on your opinion of my favorite unheard songs from my ipod

my limited but tenacious ipod uh what i got in my notes today but I didn't get around to it, there's a lot of songs that I have on my iPod that I want you to hear, that I love. There's some that are not in the final 30 because I've played them occasionally before. Double Dare by Molotov Jukebox. Fucking fantastic song, but I've played it before. I want some shit that you've never heard on this podcast. Miska.

And a lot of things that I that are depressing. There's songs that are just sad fucking songs that I absolutely love, but we're not going to close a podcast on them. So tomorrow, hopefully by tomorrow, or before we finish this, I will have my top 10 most depressing songs

from my iPod. And for the Twitters out there, theeters who here's a song that i think is good tell me what it is don't just go here's a good song and with a youtube link because i'm not going to spend five minutes on every fucking song and listen to it but i might know the song so tell me the name of the song in the tweet you know what song i think is cool this would be a good song to end with and i go wow i don't know that song never heard of it maybe i'll click on it or maybe i'll go i enjoy that song too and i will favorite your tweet but i'm not fucking sitting there and just randomly blindly clicking

on your youtube link because i know that's your band and i know it stinks so stop it tomorrow fucking taught my top 10 favorite depressing songs of all time I know one of them that's gonna be in there I don't even have it on my iPod But it's come up recently Is Carole King's So Far Away We've talked about that That's good

That's a hard one I just heard it recently And I know I've mentioned it in some context But that's a fucking hard one You're so far away doesn't anybody stay in one place here's one that won't be in the top 30 just because i don't want to waste space but and i know you're not you know it if you know what you don't like it if you don't know what you don't like it it's fucking mean by taylor swift it's a i i use it as intro music a

lot of the times on the road it's great i i bought a fucking chevy tahoe from a police auction an ex police car not like it was like a supervisor's car not you know not the spinning lights but like a police tie suit a suit police car and you know, a guy wore a suit. He's a fucking supervisor. Well, no, he probably wore an outfit, but he just went to court a lot. I don't know what he did, but it's not a runner and gunner. It's not like, you know, Bisbee police painted over on the side. It was an administrative car.

Point is, you fucking can trust it. It was it was kept nice. And and when we bought it it's a big stupid chevy tahoe and i never there's the biggest car i'd ever owned and it's a piece of shit and i go it's only got am fm radio and cd so i go we're only listening to country in this since it's a big shit kicker stupid fucking car all we're listening to is country music. 92.3 country local country station is all you're allowed to play in this car. And it's funny to me. I still

follow that rule. We've had it for years now. And that's where I heard Mean. And I'm having before we get to the song of the day. The song of the day is coming up. But listen to this clip of Taylor Swift mean and tell me if these lyrics aren't written specifically for me. If I hadn't seen a picture of Taylor Swift, I think that's one of my ex-girlfriends.

And she wrote, I'm so vain. I probably think this song is about how mean I am, because tell me if this fucking lyrics don't describe me perfectly right here. Everybody's listening. Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things. See, how could you not fall in love with that fucking song immediately if you're me? And I love coming out on stage to that song. One day I'll be. All right, that's that.

So, yeah, please give me your feedback on the songs. If you hate them, I want to know. songs If you hate them I want to know If you love them I want to know Someone said after the The two nights Of Leo Sayer And Three Dog Night Someone said

I think Bingo Bingaman Has been picking the songs The last couple days Really? Yeah like I don't know what that meant Like she's got really good Taste in music

No like somehow She's a musician Somehow you jumped the shark Yeah wait I don well i don't i don't know if you just if you pin it on a girl all of a sudden that was some weak shit it must have been a girl i don't i didn't get it but but here we go this is the this is a song number whatever uh closing song tonight god turn it up and enjoy it. It's one of the several songs, two that have been in the closing song, Aberfeldy. Remember that one? Remember back to Aberfeldy, Summer's Gone?

And the summer's gone. I learned that from a commercial. This is yet another song I learned from a commercial a few years ago. It was a Heineken commercial when they first started that series of that, you know, the theme. This is done by, according to Google, this song has been done by like three different Indian dudes. They say it's composed by, but lyrics by, but sound by, and you don't know who actually gets the credit. So a lot of Indian dudes wrote this a long time ago.

This is John Pehe Chanho. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो दिल को चुराने वालो आख न चुराओ नाम को बताओ जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो दिल को चुराने वालो आ�ँख न चुराओ नाम तो बताओ जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो © BF-WATCH TV 2021 आज की ये शाम जवान यो ना चली जाए आज की ये शाम जवान यो ना चली जाए फिर से ना आएगी या किसी के बुलाए फिर से ना आएगी या किसी के बुलाए

जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो दिल को चुराने वालो आख ना चुराओ नाम तो बताओ जान पहचान हो जीना तुम हो गए इशारे सीधी सीधी चोट हुई दिल पहचान हो जीना आसान हो जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो दिल को चुराने वालो आँख ना चुराओ नाम तो बताओ जान पहचान हो जीना दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर दो कर�ुप देखा देखी नजरें दिवानी जरा सी ये बात बन जाए ना कहानी

जरा सी ये बात बन जाए ना कहानी जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो जान पहचान हो जीना आसान हो © BF-WATCH TV 2021