The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Day 22 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 11, 2015

DAY 22A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug's early morning discounted meat run and his spiral into hoarding is realized.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 10, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Mishka Shubaly UK Dates - http://www.mishkashubaly.com/events/ SKYLINE COMEDY CLUB - http://skylinecomedy.com/index.cfm DIVE! The Film - http://www.divethefilm.com/ Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “The Worst Day Since Yesterday” by Flogging Molly. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, it's day 22 and we're going to try to make this a short and snappy one for you people because I've got a lot of shit going on, and I've been doing taxes, which is always a ton of fun, just getting in the rhythm of trying to figure out every fucking year I have to try to figure out what. I'm not even doing my taxes. For the record, don't think, oh, my God, he's that drunk and he's driving a car. No, I'm just preparing my taxes for my guy, which still takes me between three and seven days just to get the shit where I go, all right, this is the planes,

and fuck, well, what's it right off again? Corralling all the paperwork. Yeah, that's why i always just i give the benefit of the doubt to them err on the side of if they ever fucking audit you they'll be paying you yeah like wow you didn't write any of this shit off i guess we owe you thank you thank you for having me on you're the dumbest taxpayer ever. For the peace of mind, it's worth it. Just fucking overpay. Well, you know, you could.

I don't care. Just I don't want to deal with this shit. I would like I wish there was a way you could just like, can I opt in? All right. We're just fuck yourself. And just here's a flat number, a flat tax. But like, it's like it's not going to be in your favor. But you don't have to write anything.

No receipts. Nothing. I don't want to be in that position where I have to think or be responsible. So just give me a fucking number. We're not for sale, sir. We're the IRS. I just want to bribe you. I want to pay more than I would have paid in taxes to tell you to

fuck yourselves just take my money and fuck off that fucking guy with the little plane that he was the gill the simpsons gill who the guy that flew a fucking plane in the irs building in texas yeah they were like closed. He was so mad. They just fucked him into a place where he's like, yeah, that's it. No, I've had enough.

He wrote manifestos. No one read them. They're free online. Boring. Yeah. Can you shave that down to like 3,500 words? Nothing snappy in here. Yeah.

So that's what I've been doing. Tonight is rusty nail night. We've been drinking the rusty nails, and that was actually a tip from the internet somewhere. A couple people said rusty nails, and I'm like, that's one I had not written down, and I should have thought of that. And they're wonderful.

It's bourbon. Well, they want a smoky whiskey, two parts smoky whiskey and one part drambouille. And some of the recipes had a dash of bitters, and I went with that. And we didn't use a smoky whiskey because I quit smoking. You know what's weird is,

have you noticed that this whole fucking thing has not been about smoking at all anymore? It's about taxes and shit I gotta do. Diversions. Things, yeah. It's not even an issue. You go to Safeway four times a day. I know, but it's not even something

that even comes up that I think about. Oh, that's good, right? Yeah, but again, you can't live your life sitting in a fucking trailer and then shuffling around in your slippers and avoiding social contact on every level and you know take oh fuck i forgot over the counter fucking i have something i know but i get it by it it's on my list well no you just gave me another reason to go to safeway it's sturdy in the morning not only that but I have to drop off. I've finally extinguished all the leftover unopened bags of tortillas,

strips, and potato chips from football season that along with some weird Japanese hot dogs and stuff. Fish dogs. Yeah, there's a bunch of shit. All the food that was sitting in here in the funhouse for football season, anything that was unopened and unbreached has gone straight to Tin Town at 6.30

in the morning under the cover of darkness and being left in a giant bag outside of their door. So whatever fucking hobo Leo Sayer, I'm a man of me. Whatever that guy was. Yeah. Long tall glasses will be waiting for the first fucking

hobo outside of the homeless shelter in Tin Town on the way to Safeway tomorrow. Kids, pack your bags. Wait, you know what time Safeway opens? Yeah, 6 a.m. 6 a.m.? Yeah, it's pretty bleak in there, but you don't go at 6 because they don't

discount the fucking meats until a little bit later. They threw away, it's pretty bleak in there. But you don't go at 6 because they don't discount the fucking meats until a little bit later. They threw away all yesterday's 50% off. Fucking dumpster dive for that shit. I know I've brought up, if you can find that documentary called Dive with an exclamation point, my least favorite punctuation, the exclamation point just screams like very Nancy frivolity,ity and it's uh i don't like it but uh yeah dive it's about people just dumpster dive making five star gourmet meals out of shit they got out

of dumpsters stuff they got like culled from the produce yeah and then assholes i don't want to it's either trader joe's or the other. What's the nature one? Whole Foods. Whole Foods. That's one of those. I think it's Whole Foods that are cocksuckers, and they actually lock down their dumpsters with razor wire and shit. So fucking it's so disgusting. It's affecting my hoarding. I'm watching my hoarding, like what mother did and how she justified it and i'm

watching it happen in my own life where i can see like on hoarders they always they they uh they find them at their worst place and then they go back and hypothesize as to what started it. Oh, when Leo, her husband, died because they were meant to be together and that was just her other half. And when he died unexpectedly, she just didn't know how to handle it and she started buying knickknacks. And now she lives under sloughs and mountains and bulldozers of garbage and they just found her son under a dresser. He's flat and he's 41 years old

he's been dead for a month we thought he was at college yes uh and i'm watching myself like i go to fucking safeway we went tonight and there was nothing in the there was uh like a couple of fish that were still 50% off. And what was, where they put the meat, like the red and pork and steaks. Yeah. When I was there this morning, was stacked up. I had to pick through it like an old woman. The 50% off.

And I'm not eating red meat, but I was like, all right, is there a deal that's going to tempt me enough to eat red meat? And then there was pork chops I told you about. It was empty when we went back at night. And I'm like, there's no way someone bought every single one of those things 30% or 50% off. And then I go, I bet they threw them out. And there was a moment of panic. I'm serious, Chaley.

There was a moment of panic where I'm like, you can't just fucking throw that shit out. It's fucking perfectly good meat. Now you want to talk to Mr. Safeway. I was absolutely in touch with the hoarders. Okay, I get this, but I'm trying to also be conservative. I buy way too much shit. Dollar store, plastic shit. Football season is a big problem because I'm like,

oh, that's a perfect serving tray for like if I make deviled eggs. So now I'm going to make deviled eggs. I'm going to buy 17 more items that are perfect for deviled eggs and never make them again. It's just like these cocktails we've been drinking. I'm buying blue curacao and I'm trying to find green chartreuse. I can't get green chartreuse. I have to go to Sierra Vista. What am I, some pagan?

What am I, a neophyte? I don't know what that word means, but I bet it works. The point is, there's a hoarding. I'm hoarding shit that I don't need. But I go, oh, I'm buying, like, okay, 50% off stuff. Like, it's a dollar. When you can buy a dinner for a dollar twenty like fish all right i gotta eat it today because it's about to turn the point is then i like then i get the fish

i'm like all right that's a good deal and then i go oh shit there's fucking pork chops too and then there's chicken tender bingo likes chicken i know bingo's not gonna be home tonight but i get them anyway because i can always freeze it well you already have three fucking things of frozen chicken so i get fucking three or four things for dinner that have to be eaten today because they're all a dollar 20 a day yeah it's a dollar 75 for two chicken breasts a dollar 75 they're big just good all that shit i watch about you know tainted meat we've talked about this. And then I don't care. Well, it's $1.75.

That chicken shouldn't die in vain just because of the fucking human growth. It's a 75-pound chicken. It's a humanity issue now. No, I watch those documentaries, and then I don't buy anything but the fucking free-range fed uh coop de ville chickens fucking penthouse sweet chicken what uh and i so i so then i'm good about that believing that the package means oh that chicken was really kicked back and wearing fucking bo Bose headphones and didn't even see it coming.

Then all of a sudden, oh, wait, that chicken that lived in Auschwitz is fucking 75 cents for him and his friend. Fuck him. So. So, yeah. So then I just keep buying shit. Like I I talk to myself in my head in the store like just save it for tomorrow stanhope you get all good enough to eat and then fucking the bargain's gonna be just as good tomorrow you you just answered a major question i had

i get some fucking i'm aware of the problems i I always wondered why these organic chickens are so expensive. They're like three times the price, four times the price. I mean, I bought a heritage turkey for Thanksgiving this year. It was like $100. It's the noise-canceling headphones. Yeah, that's what they get. They get noise-canceling headphones. It makes sense now.

And e-cigarettes and fuzzy slippers. Fucking A. It's just, now I feel fucking ripped off. You know how a cat will like lay on his back sitting up and you go, look, the cat's sitting with his big belly and his front paws are laying on his big belly. That's how they sit. And they're in a tanning bed. A cat in a tanning bed?

No, no, the turkeys and chickens. They sit in a tanning bed because they want to have it ready for the rotisserie, the heat lamp. They don't want to burn. Anyway, the point being, good goodness, you know, the

rusty nail is basically just booze. There's not any filler. There's no club soda. It's a small glass. We actually put it in small glasses. Underrated. To make it look bigger. But it works.

Hey, when I put out a tweet or a post that says, the only time I retweet a GoFundMe bullshit is when it's someone I know and I don't want to answer the phone or something to that effect. I like it because Carlos Valencia, Hey, will you retweet my go fund me? Cause my car,

I got in an accident. Well, every comic did in a day. And you know what? If you had to get a job till you get a fucking new car, the whole begging thing. And I, I can't trash it because I did the whole Rebecca Witzman thing with the

tornado. And it was, I did. I thought that was funny. There's nothing funny about your fucking, you got into an accident. Fuck you. But I had to do it because it's Carlos Valencia.

It's a friend of mine. And then I tweeted immediately afterwards. I'm only doing this because I have to, anytime you see me tweet it, it's because I'm happy that they, I'm just relieved they didn't call me for money. So if I can retweet their GoFundMe. Very slippery slope.

However I worded it, every fucking asshole in the world read it the different way and went, oh, so you will retweet all the GoFundMes in the world. No. You know what? First of all, if there's a child involved in the GoFundMes in the world. No. You know what? First of all, if there's a child involved in the GoFundMe, fuck you. That's my first message over anything I've done in

25 years is fuck you, don't have a kid. If you have a fucking spastic kid, what are you going to do? Beg me for money? Go fuck yourself. You're taking a giant risk. Okay, we've been over it a million different ways a million times. If you had a kid and it became a problem, well, you shouldn't have had a fucking kid. You should have done what we do.

Don't have kids. Live your life with no responsibilities or at least that much less responsibility and go fuck yourself. If you have a fucking kid that, oh, it's spinal cancer and it just wails in the night with agony. And then I try to give them cannabis oil, and then, no, the federal government. Yeah, I agree with you. That's shitty. But you knew that the federal government was shitty when you decided to have a kid.

So now that they're fucking you and the kid over, well, you know what? You brought that fucking thing into the world. So when his fucking spinal bacteria start making him chew on a bed post in agony and there's nothing you can do because you're in a federal prison because you try to give him cannabis

oil, rub it in his eyes and stuff. I don't know what you do. I just skimmed over the GoFundMe and it was some guy crying next to a kid. Hey, go fuck yourself. You shouldn't have brought a kid in until you fixed the world first. have a kid doesn't work the other way hey pay my legal bills hey fuck you get prepaid law how many how many years have they been talking about it like it's the new thing it's it's uh one hmo or it's like Prepaid law is going to be the next big thing. I heard this when I was first job hunting at 18 years old in 1985.

Prepaid law. This is like the new thing. It's like insurance for law. See? You go, oh, yeah, see, that could work. And all you do is you hear people that have a suitcase in the rest of their – the guy that has a Ford Taurus with the rack of suits in the back.

From window to window in the back seat. Yeah, he's like a traveling salesman. He's like Ryan O'Neill in Paper Moon. And he's got all his shit. And he's brushing his teeth in the bathroom of the diner. Prepaid love. This is the...

So I have no idea where the fuck... What we were talking about. Go fund me. Yeah, go fund me. That means I will not... I will not retweet yours unless you're someone that would have... Like a friend of mine

where I absolutely have to. Or if I think it's hilarious. There's some that are still hilarious. You still see a few. And then otherwise, it's just political. Please don't. When you see I retweeted a fundraising thing, just understand there's a reason I had to do it.

I had to do it. Duress. Yeah. The Man Show. Girls Gone Wild. There's things you have to do. Is that one of them? Yeah. Career choice? Yeah. Girls Gone Wild There's Things you have to do Yeah Career choice

Yeah I tried I tried The Rogaine For a while Did you? No it wasn't the Rogaine It was the pill Propecia

Yeah I had to try it Then I realized I don't fucking No one likes me for my hair Yeah Oh yeah. Yeah. He's a piece of shit now,

but you should have seen him when he was a thicker and the crown, it was a fucking all-star Doug stand up. Yeah. He was still the seahorse posture shuffling around, knock need duck feet, but when shinless with a giant alien head. But when there was hair covering a little bit more of it, oh, fucking dream.

Dreams are made of those. Sweet dreams are... All right, I have notes somewhere, but it doesn't matter anymore, does it, Chaley? Seems like it's all been done. 20, 22 days have been completed. How do you feel? i feel like i yeah i don't think about cigarettes i i mean i have shit coming up now now i have projects that i like taxes are a thing that i'm i'm not horrified to do usually i oh my god tags i don't want to do

it and now i have creative things That make taxes Like oh Like yeah Oh that's my thing Yeah I put something off Cause I'll go like Oh I'll go do those dishes

Cause I don't want to Edit a podcast Fucking clean house Or I'll do something That I don't want to do Because there's something That I don't want to do more Just wrote

Fucking bam bam Wash dry Wash dry Wash dry Stack it pants Stack it pants I'll do laundry No I get it I get it I get it I get it Fucking bam, bam. Wash, dry. Wash, dry. Wash, dry. Stocking pants. Stocking pants. I'll do laundry. No, I get it.

I get it. I get it. I get it. No, honey, aren't you supposed to be working on that creative thing where you have to come up with creative ideas? No, I got it. I got it. The horses need carrots.

Fluff the pillows. Fluff the pillows. That's five pounds of carrots I got to get rid of in two days. Walk into the horses. Going to buy that 35-foot RV? Oh, they're... Been watching that on Craigslist is a 35-foot RV. In Bisbee, right?

Yes. For $3,500 with 38,000 original miles, and I'm hoarding in my mind, there's a loft bed for $100 in Bisbee on Craigslist. Yeah, it's like a bunk bed, but there's no under bunk it's just an over bunk so you can put like a desk in there so you can make the most of a small space like the guest house is only like 300 square feet but you can put a desk under there underwear instead of the bed where it is that wouldn't be taking up all the floor space you You put the bed over the... So that way you... So your nose is touching the ceiling.

But the point is no one fucking stays in there. I'm making all this fucking room in my head. Well, we can maximize and economize the space that we have. You have three fucking houses and there's two of you. Three houses. I live in a fucking like what? An eight bedroom or something. If you put it all together.

Well, the trailers too. The trailers. Yeah. Oh, wait, we can put a fucking bunk bed in the fucking trailer. Actually, the one I'm in actually has a bunk. I wouldn't put anything above me. I wouldn't even put that fat dog with his fucking. Why is the dog?

My dog is doing it. When I had a dog that died of parvo who i named parvo uh when he had yeah oh wait no he survived parvo and then we named him parvo because he survived it was just a puppy and then he died of distemper and he had uh what they call a chewing gum uh seizures what ichabod was doing, but like really rapid. That's what it's called? Chewing gum seizures? No, it's not seizures. It's chewing gum smacking.

But that's... Yeah, it's like seizures. The symptom. Yeah, chewing gum, whatever. Every fucking person that knows something will talk to me on Twitter. Chewing gum yoga? No, it's like a seizure. But chewing gum and slapping his tongue.

And Ichabod's doing that now. And I'm looking for any reason to put him down. I have pets. They're all rescues, you'd call them, because you're sanctimonious. But I call them, yeah, hey, all right, you got a fucking 10-year lease on earth. You want to live here? Because you showed up when I was on the road. You can't read English?

Yeah. No dogs. So, yeah. My dogs and cats, they're all, as you call them, rescues. I call them mendicants. If you haven't listened to the entire podcast, you're an asshole.

I mean, the entire series. That's day 13. Day 13. Mendicant. They're beggar dogs. They get 10 years. The cats, too. Day 13. Mendicant. They're beggar dogs. They get 10 years. The cats, too. 10 years. And then it's like children of the corn.

And Ichabod's the oldest. And so his 10-year anniversary is coming up. But he's getting this sloppy where he smacks his fucking tongue. It's like if he had nettles from a cactus on the roof of his mouth, he's trying to suck them out of there somehow. I don't know what to do with them. But if you don't figure out what's wrong with them, I'm not really going to put my dog down.

It's not children of the corn. We talked about this on the way to breakfast. I just want to do that. I can't. I can't lie and say I'm putting my dogs down. Children of the corn. It's like Logan's run. Logan's run.

Whatever. Yeah, children of the corn. He's like 30, and they killed all the adults. It's like Logan's Run. Logan's Run. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Children of the Corn. It was like 30 and they killed all the adults. Oh, they did? Okay. Something like that. Yeah, yeah.

Logan's Run. Whatever. Yeah. It's a fucking... I would have no problem putting my dog down or my cat down. Have you put an animal down? Yeah. Parvo.

With the distemper. Well, okay. Oh, I was crying like a fucking, just like a child who just had his fucking stubbed a bloody toe, was gulping. Because I brought him in and they diagnosed it. And he goes, he knew I was broke. I was just barely a road comic.

This is in the Becker days when we lived out of that one place. Tempe? Mesa. They were showing us this apartment complex, all like wicked skid row. And they're bragging about it. Becker's walking past and there's a pool with various

elements floating around it. It's not something you swim in. And he looks down and he goes, oh, we're right over the pool. Great. You you know that means we'll be testifying in court a lot some fucking cabinets that have been and the lady's just from the front office it's one of those complexes everything's the same and she's saying trying to hype it. It's like $2.75 a month for a bachelor. Like, we're both sleeping on, like... Yeah, futons or something. Well, just a spare mattress, like twin mattress laying on the floor.

And she goes, and the cabinets have all been repainted. And Becca or I, one of us sees where there's a cockroach that was on top of the under the sink cabinet that they just painted over. Rolled over it. Yeah, it's just painted on to the top of the, and he pointed that out. After the, we're still laughing about the pool comment,

and we see the roach, and we go, it's perfect. It's just exactly, because we're going to be on the road doing triple gigs. It's just a place for our shit And we were there for about six months What the fuck were we talking about? Ichabod and his nettle mouth Oh, Parvo

Yeah, I had a Parvo And the doctor that diagnosed him Could tell I have no money I had nothing But he goes, all right, see if he lasts through the night Or a couple days. If it gets worse, then... That's how quick Parvo?

I don't remember exactly. It was to the point the dog was so bad that I took him to a vet knowing I couldn't afford it. It's like an emergency room. No, there's no such thing for pets. You're too young to know. And so he said, if it doesn't get better, bring him back, and we'll put him down for no charge. Oh, wow.

And when I went in, and I just tried to say, the doctor said he could put him, and I couldn't even say it, so I had to go back out and fight. I was a big cunt. But yeah, I've grown out of that. That was years ago when I had emotions. When the Grinch had a heart? I drank through those days

and now I could put a dog or cat down. If the thing was fucked up, I wouldn't do it for fun. They'd go, Ichabod, we're going for a picnic. Well, you're going to the Saturday market, but we're going to go to the animal control instead. Well, now they deliver. Now I have money

for the put down. They deliver? Yeah, they deliver. Now I have money for the put down. They deliver? Yeah, they deliver. Someone will come here and burn some sage and cleanse the room. Mobile vet. I don't know if she's still around.

She took some time off, but there was a mobile vet that would come right to your house and do shit. Including. Yeah, that's rough. Yeah, so Ichabod, you keep making that

fucking smacky the mouth fucking sound with your stupid tongue. All right, let's move on. Should we take a break? What are we at? We can take a break. All right. Hit that pause button and let me look at notes with my reading glasses of an old man.

We'll be right back. This is Chad Shane. And when I'm at Stanhope's, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. All right, let's do it. That's HDatty. All right, do it. That's HDFatty.

Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know. Some announcements before we ramp up to the douche of the day. Occasional thing we do, but today we had a great douche. So we also had a lot of people saying that the podcast was freezing up their ability to listen. And it turns out that all of them were listening to it on some iPhone podcast app that sucks. It sucks shit.

So stop blaming us. It's all the same fucking gear. So go ahead, Shaylee. Tell them what to do. Instead of listening on your fucking iPhone podcast app, listen to it. Here's four other ways to access the podcast. You can go to DougStanhope.com,

which we appreciate you going there in the first place. It takes a little bit longer for the podcast to get posted there, but it's there. Stitcher. Download the Overcast app. It's free. And that one plays every single episode. I already checked it. And we also tweet on Facebook every day.

We put a direct link to the Libsyn servers, which is our hosting provider. Yeah, there's always something else you can do other than own a fucking iPhone and trust that app. You know what? I listen to it live when it happens. That's how I do it. I'm here every time it happens, front row. So if you can't do that, well, get a fucking other phone. That's that.

And listen, Mishka Shibali. Hey, UK. Mishka Shibali's got some mishka shibali he's got some more london dates we got them right here mishka march 23rd 2015 in london at the phoenix march 24th in birmingham at the scary canary that's birmingham in the uk alabama fucking listen screw your fucking ears on uh March 25th, my birthday, or if I make it, I'll be 48 years old, which is the same as 50, which is the same as dead,

which is the same as 38. Hasn't really changed except the shape. London, March 25th, celebrating my birthday, Mishka in the UK, Mishka Shibali at the Boogaloo. And we got his shit for sale on our website. And Brett Erickson's shit.

We're building a dollar store of entertainment backwards right here at DougStanhope.com. Eventually, you're going to be able to get all the people you can't see because they're dead or in prison. All of their surplus gear will be available on Doug standup.com as well as mine. And, uh, junior stop and Andy Andrus, they'd be, uh, they'd be people that I'd be selling their stuff. Junior doesn't even have stuff. Uh, but, uh, I'll, I'll bootleg him. I'll secretly record him. And when he dies of some exasperated pancreas,

we'll chuck out a few. Cash in. Yep. Him and Andy are playing. You've heard it already. If you're in Appleton, Wisconsin, it's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, this weekend, March 12 through 14 of 2015. See him, because that honestly can go really sideways really fast and those are the

shows you want to be at going fuck no i was there it was fucked up i know it's just yeah or it could be brilliant that's the thing that it's such a gamble that's putting all of your fucking money on one spin of roulette with that show. If it starts going bad, it's probably going to continue domino effect and splash down hard. So that's that. Okay. Hey, who's sponsoring Word of the Day today? Today's sponsor for Word of the Day is Woodard's Diamond Showroom, located at Center Court, Northgate Mall in Tullahoma, Tennessee.

Woodard's Diamond Showcase. Hey, there's only six days left until St. Patrick's Day, so get that lady what she's been longing for, that sparkling ring on her finger. Woodard's in Tullahoma is open at the northgate mall on monday through friday 10 to 7 saturday 10 to 6 close sunday the day of the lord and up until saint patrick's day we're offering friendly financing 12 months same as cash so there's no more excuses get down here to wood's and put a diamond on that lady's finger before she runs off with another man. Give us a call at Woodard's at 931-454-9383 and tell them that Doug Stanhope podcast sent you.

All right, we're back. The word of the day brought to you by Woodard's Diamond Showroom in Tullahoma, Tennessee. Today's word is... I like this one because it fits with some other stuff. It's breviary. B-R-E-V-I-A-R-Y. Breviary.

It means a brief summary. A quick synopsis, a quick synopsis for today. It fit in because I'm doing a quick synopsis. I told you yesterday I'd give you a top 10 songs too depressing to close out the podcast with. But really, they weren't too depressing. They're just too soft.

Or maybe they're too well known. I wanted to bring you some shit from the depths of my iPod that maybe only a few people know. I want people to fucking high five themselves. Go on, fuck. You have no idea how many people tweeted me going, fucking Leo Sayer.

I remember that song. Some girl wrote back to me. Oh, yeah. And she doubled down on me. And I retweeted it. Now I can't even remember the song. That one and Three Dog Night. Yeah, no, but she went, Leo Sayer.

Then if you like Leo Sayer and Three Dog Night, you must remember. And I can't remember what it is. I retweeted it. It was some guy. I don't know. So here's 10 songs. Here's my breviary, my brief synopsis of 10 songs. One thing that happened when I was going through these songs on my iPod.

I mean, oh, shit. I have to. I'm at dinner with Bingo and her friends that are filming her thing at Santiago's. If you ever come to Bisbee, do not fucking eat at Santiago's. I can't believe the Mexican people work there. And that's why they're never smiling is because they have to pretend that's Mexican food. It's the kind of food that it's be careful.

The plate is hot Mexican, which means it's the whitest Mexican ever. And and we're on the border and people have to work there that are Mexican. And it's such shitty food. And sorry, the Page brothers. I really do enjoy eating at your other place across the street, the Bisbee Grill. No, I'm not going to call it table. You renamed it. It's stupid. The table bisbee's table no the it's the bisbee grill and it's it's got good food but there was a wait on a tuesday and there's no fucking way i'm sitting around and waiting for food on a tuesday i was taking notes off my iphone at santiago's after my fucking inch how do you call that a fucking enchilada?

The thing's smaller than what I eat breakfast tacos out of. The smallest tortilla, and it looks like it's fake. It looks like it's made out of egg white. If you could make egg whites, you know, you just get the egg whites in the thing, and you shake it up, and you put it in your pan, and it helps with your cholesterol, and you'd never feel better.

I've eaten egg whites for months instead of the yolk. I don't feel any different. I don't wake up with a spring in my step. Fuck it. Give me the yolk. I feel different when I don't smoke cigarettes. I feel different when I don't drink cocktail. Egg whites, not a fucking difference.

I don't lose a pound. I don't gain a pound. Assholes. Whatever you make those tortillas out of they look like plastic egg whites if you faked an egg white that's how shitty they taste look and feel i don't know what you do there i don't know how your mexican laborers have not just gone completely bonkers. Like overthrown the management. Yeah, yeah. What's the seafaring term for that? Mutiny. Yeah, a mutiny on a Page Brother.

I don't know which Page Brother runs that place. But, yeah, it would have been better to wait in line at the Bisbee Grill. Fucking meatloaf is outstanding. Then that shit. You have a real problem with that place. What, the Santiago's? No, no, no, no. With the table. You have a real problem with that place. What? The Santiago's? No, no, no, no. With the table.

Although every time we've gone there. The fucking name table. I know, I know. Bingo will say, I'm going to table. I'm going to table. No, she's bought in. You're missing a prepositional phrase. I don't even know what it is.

She bought in. She bought in. She does. And I scream at her in that tone of voice alone. That's why I don't want fucking strangers buying that house back there because most of your conversations are in your kitchen and that house is right next to my kitchen and this is how I talk to bingo no it's not called table we don't say that in the house and she knows I'm goofing around but neighbors wouldn't so that's why I want someone I

know to buy that fucking house I'm thinking thinking Joe Vernon. Joe Vernon should buy it. He'd leave us alone, right? Maybe Joe Vernon wouldn't. I don't know. You think, oh, Joe Vernon's a guy. He'd buy that house and he wouldn't. But he might. He might slink over.

I don't know. He'd do that thing. He wouldn't be here. He'd rent it out. Hey, I know you want to be left alone. I know there's people. Just thought maybe you'd want to. No, I love that.

He's not one of those people, but there's people who think that they're the people that are helping you get away from the people when they're the people you're trying to get away from. Let me get you away from. Oh my God. No, those are my friends. You're trying to help me get away from my friends and I don't know you.

You said you met me four years ago when I played here in fucking pittsburgh but i don't remember that don't this first of all it's not you in pittsburgh let me get off the subject i'm just just fucking stoking fires that don't exist you have a lot of things to get through here yeah all right let's move quickly to the list quickly there's uh 10 uh 10 songs I promised you that are just too soft or for some reason, Red Red Wine. The Neil Diamond song. Neil Diamond. I had to put one Neil Diamond song in before we closed this out.

And I would probably go with Red Red Wine if I had to listen to one because I love so many Neil Diamond songs, but Red Red Wine's too soft. I love it because i i i remember liking the ub40 version of that when i was 15 or whatever yeah and then i i that got thin quick and then i realized oh shit what really neil diamond did originally and i listened to that fucking brilliant song too soft for the podcast don't worry you will get neil diamond before this week is up the wrestler bruce springsteen did the uh theme song for the podcast. Don't worry, you will get Neil Diamond before this week is up. The Wrestler.

Bruce Springsteen did the theme song for the movie The Wrestler. If you have not seen that movie, you're not my friend. Go out and rent The Fucking Wrestler with Mickey Rourke or you have no business even listening to a podcast or being alive. And then listen to the song. It's a fucking beautiful song. Not a huge Bruce guy. Not against him. Just not...

Great song. Skate Away Bruce guy. Not against him. Just not a great song. Skate Away by Dire Straits. Is someone making a breviary of this synopsis of these songs? Someone making a playlist out of this? The Grinch. I was going to play You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch. That song makes me happy every time I see it.

And tomorrow night, Chad Shank is going to be on tomorrow's podcast. Maybe we can get him to hum a bar or two of, You're a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch. He's got the pipes for it. You're not going to hear it on this podcast.

Overkill by Men at Work is a fucking amazing song. Just stop the podcast, download Overkill, and listen to that and see if you don't get maudlin. There'll be a link on the show notes. Lost Horizons, Gin Blossoms. If you like one, you'll like them all, and I like every single one of them. The Gin Blossoms, I could have played Hey Jealousy.

That was my Bobby Barnett song when I was all hot for her that was popular and Lost Horizons has I one of my favorite lyrics because I was all in love with Renee at that point and I wrote a story about her taking the train up to see Extreme Elvis and I quoted Lost Horizons

a bunch of the lyrics in that and the one lyric specifically was she had nothing left to say so she said she loved me and I stood there grateful for the lie. Ah, so good. And it was so perfect for that moment. So many songs are just,

like, you listen to this? Yeah, because that fucking night with that guy and the thing and everything just happened so weird. And you were young. And yeah, that song was playing. And it's going to, yeah. Whoever spun into the Dave Attell bit.

That sounded like. Colleen Kotick. Play Flat Belly. She's a friend of ours. Can't play it on the podcast. She's a rainbow. Already had to pick one Stone song. Can't play it on the podcast. She's a rainbow. Already had to pick one stone song. Can't do two.

And I went with the before they make me run. Keith Richards singing. She's a rainbow. She comes in colors. I can't sing. And life on Mars. I realized that when I had that iPod kerfuffle, they destroyed like so much shit as I'm going through these songs

that I go, oh, fuck. I don't have half this Neil Diamond shit. There's complete artists. I had so many David Bowie songs. I'm afraid of Americans. Shit. I'm afraid of Americans. I would play that right now.

I just, I just came up with that. I'm surprised you didn't take that one. I'm writing that down. Life on Mars is one. Afraid of Americans. I would play that right now. I just came up with that. I'm surprised you didn't take that one. I'm writing that down. Life on Mars is one. Afraid of Americans. Shit. Oh, it's the wrong place. Yeah.

They fuck me a lot. I'm a victim. I'm a victim. Of fucking. That's two times. Apple, right? Yes. They're the ones that fuck the podcast and they fuck me out of my songs i'm afraid of americans i'm afraid of the world okay well

life on mars is another one that's the that's the david bowie i would play if i had to pick one but you probably already know it i'd never heard it and And being a Bowie fan, I still somehow Life on Mars, I never heard till the Bill Murray movie came out. Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. I've been living in Bisbee. I learned that song in Bisbee. You're never too old. So that's your top 10 off the bench. off the bench. It's the off the bench second string top 10 of songs I could have closed with, but didn't because they were too soft or other reasons. Solid.

I got an email. I guess I referred to Frankie Boyle as English. I'm sorry about that. That's a big insult over there. I don't know. He's not English. I don't know. I never hung out with

him we just uh we just see the opium we seem to step in the same puddles as shit when we're but yeah he's always in the shit over there we uh uh indian rape yeah i'm not gonna go off on that i don't feel it right now i should have last night when i felt it and uh maybe one day some guy sent us some ringtones. If I get on some jag or some jag comes up that is ringtonable. Yeah, that guy.

I don't have your name right in front of me, but yeah. Thanks for sending me those ringtones. They're a little short though. Two seconds. The beauty of the short one is you can use it for a text update, a Twitter update, something like that. Gotcha. Yeah, the ringtone guy.

I like you. And douchebag of the day. I don't even know your name. I won't say it. But you know what? Don't fucking come off like this. You're a douche. This guy, a lot of you email me,

and you're, like, very caustic as though I'm going to take it funny. But I don't know you. You know me. I have albums. Until you have albums that I can listen to and I know how you're saying it. Hey, fucko. You need to talk to Chaley about his incompetent engineering.

I don't know if he uses limiters on each channel or if he's doing this many cuts, but the beginning of a lot of your words are cut off. It's so frequent, it's almost making one of the best podcasts out there unlistenable. And when HD Fatty's on, his voice is so loud, it ruins the podcast as well. And then he goes on and on, shitting on Chaley.

I'm a fucking sound engineer, he says. This is so frustrating. As an audio engineer, he says, this is so frust as an audio engineer he says this is so frustrating maybe you can get greg to stop admiring his dead cat to pay every morning so he can do but it goes on and then then it goes into how he almost crashed his uh mail truck because of something i said oh wow you're driving a mail truck now. A paragraph ago, you were a sound engineer. You were a hot shot fucking sound engineer shitting all over my friend, Greg Chaley, who spends fucking countless hours.

He does nothing but stuff fucking merch into plastic envelopes for you, including if he can't, he ran out of condoms. He's going to give you candy, or some other little fucking thing. He cares about you. And then the rest of his night is spent podcasting and editing shit and fucking putting in noises and zings and dings and belly whistles and all sorts of shit for you.

And then you go, oh, he's cutting off part of the words. And then I go, wow, I've never heard that before uh except that maybe the first few podcasts where we had no idea what we're doing no no one bitches about the sound millions of downloads i said give me an example it's very nice and it wasn't a prick after you come off fuck go tell your fucking friend i'm a sound engineer and he's shit. So I just say, hey, just send me some examples of, you know, which podcast and where I should listen so I can hear this because I've never heard this complaint. Very good response. Yeah. And he goes, oh, well, I'm going to because this is bullshit.

I'm definitely going to take some samples. If you listen to day 20, that's all you need to hear. There's at least 20. I'm reading. There's at least 20 examples of it on the day 20 in the fucking tin can rehab i said okay i'll just listen to day 20 then and then pause look at your watch ding he writes back oh fuck me right in the brown asshole right of course i don't hear it now in my car now you don't hear it but on my bluetooth speaker i use it work it's all over the place that's the only reason today i said something that's only

because it doesn't happen without the podcast hey fuckhead this is a cult whatever your name is fucking peter pan son of a nothing that's where you go by son of a nothing is your little screen name son of a nothing this is a fucking cult first of all you shouldn't be listening to other podcasts to compare this one to you have to commit you're gonna be a fucking podcast listener you pick one and you pick this one and you don't listen to other podcasts unless I send down a command that you have to listen to those podcasts to find out what they're saying about us behind our backs. We got our backs up against the wall here

at the Mexican border for a reason. We're starting some shit. I'm thinking of some stuff in that little trailer, six by 12, but it might as well just be a plane of beautiful ideas and all my children coming home to roost all around me. I'm buying every house. I'm going to buy all the houses

and the 35-foot RV for $3,500. Do you know how many people can sleep in that trailer? A lot of people can sleep in 35. Yeah, I am sleeping in six by 12, 35 times me, RV for $3,500. Do you know how many people can sleep in that? A lot of people can sleep in 30. Yeah, I'm sleeping in six by 1235. He put times mean times 35 by the distance and the width and the height. Oh, my God. All my children will come home to roost. And Cody Hucker will be here. And all the people that sent in the limericks and all the people that didn't understand what I meant when I said, don't I only retweet the GoFundMes. Oh, he retweets GoFundMes.

No, I said I only do... Yeah, you're going to be here too. We're all going to live together in plastic underpants. I'm fucking cutting right to the close. I don't think there's anything else there goes my hero watch him as he oh bingo bingo oh the gifts yeah someone's hey someone sent a nice bottle of vodka 42 below you didn't give me a name uh but thank you everyone in the world you can take credit for it if i can tweet me or email me

say i was the guy that sent you 42 below vodka but only one guy will know what city and state it was shipped from and uh how you shipped it so or someone might have a really good guess yeah uh what else pot zombies someone sent me the dvd pot zombies part two more pot less plot that's funny just on the cover i'm gonna give that to reverend derrick and kenny because they are the potheads they're the beavis and butthead of potheads here in town they take care of my place or not so much when I'm away. But they do play a lot of video games. And someone cared enough for bingo. Someone sent me a

penthouse from 1973 and it's got like an article with Timothy Leary when he's in absentia and exile. Oh, wow. At first I saw the old penthouse. It's great. The chick on the cover in the centerfold has uh has uh tan lines not even just tan lines but like very distinct like just laid out that

afternoon or the like like sunburned like drawn on almost yeah you remember the tan lines you used to get after your first like good sunburn when people were modest yeah there were no tanning bed it's fucking still hot to me tan lines uh that that massive rug across her crotch though this is the perfect gift giving idea and i swear to god one of you will thank me for this just because it's an easy one and it seems like you're you care even though you use the same trick on everyone for their birthday. But it's a great birthday gift idea. If you don't have berries that are dipped into chocolate, like if someone made those and delivered them, that would be like the perfect gift. But it doesn't exist. There's

no company that does that. So do this is a handy trick that I do that makes it more personal is what you do is you just order magazines, playboy, especially playboys, the best for dudes, especially, uh, with the year and month that they were born because playboy has been around

for that long. So your fucking dad, your brother, there was a playboy for 1976, July. Oh, that's your birthday. See, this is the Playboy from your birthday. They go, oh, yeah, that's kind of cool. Or National Geographic, been around forever.

Life. Life or Time. Time. Saturday Evening Post. You know the person. Car and Driver. March of 67, what would be a good magazine i bought my when i when i saw the penthouse i go i thought maybe they're doing my trick and giving me a penthouse

from march of 67 but i don't think penthouse existed but then it made me think of that i went on ebay and i bought myself a bunch of shit because my birthday's coming up so i bought myself some uh i got those actual magazines i didn't't get the National Geographic, but I got Playboy. Penthouse doesn't exist. It's 70s, right? Yeah, I searched it on eBay and there was no result. So I'm assuming it didn't exist. Playboy.

Yeah, I got some like, oh, sir, sir. There's a magazine called Sir with an exclamation point. Like a gentleman's magazine? Hey, people out there, did I get that from somewhere? Because I do that all the time. Sir. No, it's from that joke book. I know, but I love that joke book.

I've done this. There was a... All right, quickly. When Ron Putnam was getting married, we had to get tuxedos because we were the best men. Me and his brother. So me and Ron Putnam and David Put, we had to get tuxedos because we were the best men. Me and his brother. So me and Ron Putnam and David Putnam went to the mall in Vegas, and we went into a pet store. Because Becker had talked about this a lot, but I didn't think he really did it.

He says he did, but I didn't think he did it, and I thought it needed to be done. I went and I bought a goldfish for a buck and a quarter or 75 cents. Thank you, in my little plastic bag, and then grabbed it and went over to the kitten cage, and I fed a goldfish for a buck and a quarter or 75 cents. And thank you. And my little plastic bag and then grabbed it and went over to the kitten cage and I fed it to the kittens. Yeah. Used to talk about doing that. And since we're right there and I thought about it at a pet store and the

woman went, she saw what I did. I went fucking batch it. And she's calling for whoever her husband or the other store person, manager. And then we just zip out of there. And we're fucking boogieing until we realize the tuxedo shop is right next door to the fucking pet shop. So we're about to like fucking high speed scoot like three steps and went off. Fuck.

So I go to the food court. They go in because I'm the one that did it. I'm not standing there like a mark. So I start scooting across the food court and she starts going, sir, sir! And like screaming

across a fucking basketball court and everyone's staring at me because everyone's looking at the woman and the only person pretending they don't hear is in an entire food court is me walking the other way sir sir sir sir sir and every time i repeated that story i'm like it sounds like that's from a movie or sir and i when i shut up little man am i did is that from shut up little man the way i'm repeating it yeah i know how she sounded but the way i repeat it sounds like i heard it somewhere it could be shut up little man now that i think of it so yeah i know i stopped, and she's like, I saw what you did.

I was feeding the cats. Cats don't eat fish! And I'm like, what? If you look at the brands, the flavors of cat food, I'm calling the police. I'm like, all right. I'm leaving. Like, what are you doing, a citizen's arrest?

Cats don't eat fish. It did. It just did. So you can't tell me a cat doesn't eat fish. You should be talking to the cat is what you should be talking to. Yeah. Take this up with the cat. This is like a feline issue.

Feline court. Yeah, I'm not good in stressful situations. All right. This was the sweetest thing, and I swear we'll get the fuck out of here. I'm going to in stressful situations. All right, this was the sweetest thing, and I swear we'll get the fuck out of here. I'm going to close strong with the song. I'm going to close, because I have to fucking rope you in to keep you.

There's a couple more fucking weird ones later, only eight more total to go. So I'm going to make sure everyone's on my side, because if you don't love this song. So I'm going to make sure everyone's on my side, because if you don't love this song. But let me, this was flowers sent by Ava Pavroznik. Ava, I would assume, is a chick, A-V-A, until you see Pavroznik. And then you go, it could be any kind of species or gender.

And she sent bingo flowers. Bingo is doing fine. She just looks ugly. She's got to see a neurologist. She's still having moments of confusion. I don't know if she's got the CTE that the linebackers have where she's going to be blowing her fucking heart out with a shotgun so scientists can study her brain to see what happened after she flopped on the fucking cement

in some weird seizure that she never has. We have some theories we have some theories that that cat scan came up blank you're out of gumballs all right so so someone sent flowers which is very sweet because that's not they're not like bisbee flowers they they had to come bisbee doesn't have flowers that can be delivered there's no taxi you can't even get a bus here so you don't get flowers delivered they came from california and uh and the note read from ava pavraznik i like to think of uh this coming from uh ann frank in her little attic because it reads like an orphan wrote it. It's in an adorable fashion. Flowers from the attic.

Yeah, it's a bingo. I don't know you, but I wish I did. I listened to the podcast and I have watched your Oh Up Above video a million times and think you are just awesome. I'm sorry you got hurt the other day and i hope you don't feel too awful i tried to find the brightest colored flowers i could to make you happy both you and doug make me so happy i wish you both all the best everything ava paraznik is that the fucking cutest little thing that's sweet that's very sweet anna pavraznik age eight i want to i i picture you with a bombed out uh dresden behind you and city cheeks cherubic but sooty cheeks.

And a little something in your hand like a deflated balloon or something. I don't know. Like a doll with no head. I wish you would be happy. I'm sorry. You have a boo-boo on your face. Ava Pravraznik. Thank you very much.

You made us very happy. And thank you for all the non-douchebags of the day Don't fucking email me screaming Fuck you and fuck your friend I know you're trying to be funny But yeah, you have no pedigree Here's a song if you don't like it Well, complain all day to me Because this is a great song

And this song did beat out I don't want to cause undue because this is a great song. And this song did beat out. I don't want to cause undue... Fucking, where's the goddamn... Dirty Old Town, the Pogues. The Pogues, Dirty Old Town. It was between you and this one, but you can only go one Irish when you only have eight days left.

I love you both. But yeah, here you go. Tell me if you don't love this. Worst day since yesterday. Flogging Molly. Well, I know I miss Martin Hitt With a face that was launched to sink And I seldom feel the bright relief It's been the worst day since yesterday

If there's one thing I have said Is that the dreams I once had now lay in bed As the four winds blow my wits through the door It's been the worst day since yesterday Falling down to you, sweet ground Where the flowers they bloom well it's there I'll be

found hurry back to me my wild calling it's been the worst day since yesterday It's been the worst day since yesterday.

Thought he's once, I'd seen it no more Except for the scars I have ignored And this endless crutch Well, it's never enough it's been the worst day since yesterday hell

says hello well it's time I should go to past your screen that I've yet to see. Hurry back to me, my wild calling. It's been the worst day since yesterday. Die since yesterday.

It's been the worst. Die since yesterday. It's been the worst. Die since yesterday.