The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 24 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 13, 2015

DAY 24A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug is suspicious of a box truck in the neighborhood and can't understand why his dog hates him.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 12, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-“IT'S FUN TO BE A POLAK” JOKE BOOK - http://amzn.to/1CbYgK3Intro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “I Don't Like Mondays” by The Boomtown Rats. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right. Rizzle kicks. Dag knob it. Shut the fuck up. That's how we start the fucking podcast. Fucking come in. Go ahead. Oh, I know what you're fucking.

No, don't beat it. Hey, it's Doug Sandhopa, Greg Chaley, and we are counting down the hits here as we get to day 24. Fucking done and done. It was a fantastic day having Chad Shank back here. Always a pleasure. I wish he just did this podcast. I'd listen to it.

I wish it. Yeah, he's perfect for doing something at home. I wish he just did this podcast. I'd listen to it. I wish it. Yeah. He's perfect for doing something at home. I know. Like Art Bell. Yeah. He could be my George Norrie. Yeah, just.

Whatever hour that struck him to do it. Michael Douglas in Falling Down meets George Norrie as art bell. Hey, I had a couple of things. I just, I started jotting down stuff with my fucking shoulder. Like I couldn't even reach that spot. I could normally almost reach to scratch my back. Cause my, we were talking about it last night and I never got to it. Was the fact that Chad Shank, ignoring his...

Ailments. No, no, no, no. We had a name for it. The Purple Mud Bunion, his swollen, enlarged plum of a prostate. And how he... When he called me, they were saying he should be in an emergency room. Like, he's just filling up with piss, because he can't piss through his prostate. It's big he's like ah fuck it i'm not going

all the way to tucson i'm like wow that's pretty hardcore because i can ignore some shit but uh yeah i've never i've everything i've ignored has gone away and i've there's been a million things over my life you're like that's fucked up. And you just ignore it. And this shoulder thing has been going on for months. And I've had that massage lady who is brutal. Like up in the shoulder? I can point to it.

Oh, fuck. God damn it. It's right there. It's right where the shoulder blade. It's where the ball goes into the socket shoulder blade. Well, whatever that is. It's where the ball goes into the socket. Yeah. Okay.

If I were wearing pads, shoulder pads in the NFL, right where the pad ends, and that's where your meat hits the bone there. So one of the tendons right in there. And you can feel it go down all it hurt all the way to uh sometimes the outside tendon of my hand that goes up the pinky like the outside of your hand it will hurt all the way down to there so uh yeah if you know how to fix that every smart fuck on twitter go ahead throw your uh throw your your theories at me it's like if you want my opinion it's a pinky fasciitis pinky fasciitis and if you can tell me why my fucking dog hates me does anyone has anyone

have a dog that left them like just who has who who does it happen to my fucking dog henry phillips uh since uh well first it was uh brett erickson Brett Erickson and Carrie Mitchell, the Bretchels, staying down there at the access house, the bingo access. Actually, I wasn't even talking about bingo. One of the first rooms, it's a fucking long story. Stop. I know where you're going, Stan Hope. Every story deviates. No.

Long story. Stop. I know where you're going, Stan Hope. Every story deviates. No. The Brechels stayed down there, and they were taking care of the dogs, and Henry just stayed down. Oh, hey, Henry loves it.

She stays down here all the time until she fought with their dog, and then she got kicked out. And now the Chalys are down there, and the fucking dog just wants to stay. I take the dog for a walk. She wants to go for a walk all the time. But as soon as we get home, she just sits at that fucking sneaky door, the speakeasy door to get down there. You don't even come in the house to eat. Don't come get a drink of water.

Won't even come in the fucking house anymore. Waits till you're gone to go in. Did something happen? Like, did fucking Derek do something to that dog? Dog's not staying away from Derek. It's staying away from the house. It just wants to be down at that house. Brechels, you, just wants to get the fuck out of here.

Well, there's no other dog. I want to leave here and see. If you moved up here, if we switched houses, I don't... What do you think she'd do? don't think she wants to be alone why is there one fucking like dog whisperer out there that knows why my dog i have the other fat dog up here that she dominates why would it fucking leave me i don't i'm not gonna i'm not gonna go into this i'm just gonna get irritated by your replies in the morning i'm like what the fuck do you know you asked

asshole you opened your podcast by asking it wasn't even in your notes i'm having vodka gimlets and they're lovely a vodka gimlet we're on our second recipe just google it it's it's pretty much just vodka and lime juice but it could be fresh lime juice. It could be roses lime. It could be have a little simple syrup. It could not have it. The regular gimlet is made with gin. A vodka gimlet is made with vodka. Thank God we have some due to whoever sent me. I know you emailed me today and went, hey, that was me because I asked who sent the 42 below vodka. Where's that made is that finland so uh is i love the bottle as we've talked about new zealand i knew it was somewhere i i liked and i have been and played new zealand 42 below fucking love new zealand love the vodka love the bottle and uh if if it were uh if it were

available at safeway i'd probably that might that might be my go-to vodka. Would it be 42 latitude, maybe, New Zealand? 42 below. Hey, look at him. Look at him. I just like to think of it at that temperature. 42 below? Yeah, fuck yeah. The colder an alcoholic beverage is, I remember remember i'm sure i've said it before one time

getting off the plane i'm forcing myself to not say i'm sure i've said it before on the podcast i'm trying to do that uh uh liberia coco uh outside of liberia in uh flying into costa rica and coco is the first beach you can get to. Beach town. There's not much of a beach there. It's shit. But if you get in late at night, all right, stay in Coco and then get down to Tamarindo, whatever,

later the next day. They had fucking Jägermeister at room temperature and the room's 86 degrees. It was the most horrific fucking shot. And that's back when we drank Jägermeister. Is, uh, yeah. And you're like, oh, no, no. Everything needs to be cold, frozen. Red wine is usually put it in the fridge.

But generally a room temperature. No! Put it in the fridge. Thank you, sir. Tequila? Frozen? Yes. The colder the better, yeah.

I like a shot with ice. A little bit of ice in there Patron silver You know we haven't done You have some Patron here Don't you I just bought two bottles Oh That might be

We've got two We have so much fucking booze For a guy that's supposedly In some type of Rehabilitation Yeah we'll take a picture We'll do a picture with that And tweet it Everything in our background Yeah And that's supposedly in some type of rehabilitation that yeah we'll take a picture with that everything in her background yeah and that's not counting that stuff you'd have to do a panoramic to get the amount and honestly most of it at least half of it is dumb shit that i bought

to like for the uh splash of two two jiggers of the fucking whatever, the bitters and simple syrup. And I bought today, there's no fucking cherry brandy in this town. Three fucking things we looked at. Oh, cherry brandy. First of all, we had to find out, what is it, cheerings?

Or hearings. Hearings. H-E-E-R-I-N-G-S. Cherry hearings. It's a brand name for fucking for fucking all right just cherry brandy is fine well they don't have that either so stop asking asshole you go back and you go oh that's hearing thing i asked about you or it's hearing or it's just cherry brandy you have cherry no no no again no sir go to your fancy place boy we have cherry pop tarts that's it i gotta get these fucking gentrified you know what one of you assholes will do this and i'll love you forever because i've

been talking about this for like five years i even have the artwork somewhere i probably have three different versions of the artwork i only want half a dozen of these things and i'll fucking i'll trade out with you i it's it's the communist fist with a rolex on it and in like that communist font it's gentrify bisbee and so it's the communist fist but there's a big fat rolex dangling off of it and gentrified bisbee i just need fucking a dozen of those t-shirts. Get us the artwork. I have artwork. You can get this? All right.

If you want to send me some anyway. Don't open your mouth if you don't know the shot. Do we have to sit down and watch this fucking movie? If you want a t-shirt made, we can get them done. I know. I just had them fucking done till you fucking chimed in asshole that's a lot of work i know but these guys they want to work okay they need work maybe they said maybe they make a better fucking t-shirt than we have artwork if i had great

artwork for this we'd have already had it done okay all right someone will do this because i keep forgetting five years i have an idea that i've had for maybe 15 years, at least a dozen years, is T-shirts that just have, and I have artwork for this that's really good, and I've never done it because no one really bites. They don't see my vision. But they're just diseases. But with very happy 1960s, 70s fonts. There's a smiling sun, you know, a face on the sun and smiling,

and there's rays coming down from the smiling sun, and it says Parkinson's disease, but it's very happy, like with an exclamation mark. And there's a baby blue shirt with soap bubbles, like, you know, cartoon soap soap bubbles and it's juvenile diabetes but in a happy font and it doesn't say help stop it's just it's celebrating diseases and i just wanted to do a whole line of t-shirts with different diseases that i like this the best and with really cool fonts and and graphic work. Like positive, happy.

Yeah, like keep on trucking. Whistling in the sunshine. Everything's groovy. Yeah, but just a disease, just a debilitating or terminal illness that you love. Like that's my favorite one. Who doesn't like Ricketts? It's probably the best comedy disease. But yeah, you'd have to explain that one too much.

So yeah. So in the meantime, I want... You have no idea how bad this fucking town would flip out if you just started spreading gentrified... Just gentrified Bisbee t-shirts in a few thrift stores. And I think maybe maybe i won't even say the name in case they won't but at least one of our friends in a store downtown would sell that and just make a bunch of people really pissed off i don't want dougstandup.com anywhere on it

just gentrify bisbee with a fucking communist fist with a fucking Rolex dangling off of it. You know, if you don't know the fist, you don't know what I'm talking about. All right. Thank you. Don't worry. Chaley can do it for you. You know what? Chaley can send me a bottle of 42 below to Chaley can do everything you do.

You know, all the gifts I got today. Hey, cripple guy with the picture. Jeremy. Jeremy just said, oh, he just put chaley put you on the wall yeah thank you for your gift box today he sent bingo an outfit chaley could have done it oh why do you make them do it i can do it fucking jesus christ what is worse than fucking bingo bingo don't we have to go because i didn't you leave the iron on yeah i was nice to have dinner with your parents but uh we should get back to the house because the dog the

dogs don't ever get walked what do you mean we don't iron clothes he's pissed jeremy like he broke his neck 14 years ago he sent this long letter which i would read parts of if i had highlighted him earlier but i'm not gonna peruse the whole thing but a really funny fucking letter and i'm trying to be funny but actually funny and uh he said a whole bunch of shit including a full uniform that i i had to give to bingo it's big for bingo small for me so bingo wins. But the hat fits her. It's a uniform, like almost a band-slash-military uniform, and it's Catholic war veterans or Catholic veterans of war. It's those words, like with a patch, like an official, like,

are you a cop? No, I'm a Catholic war veteran. And it has the old, like, World War I, what do you call it, a little tiny tee veteran and it has the old like world war one the what do you call it a little tiny tp hat you know like uh like like the the ones that is gonna be a name for that hat like it's just like an envelope you put over your head like soda jerks used to wear a paper one yeah but smaller than that like military guys have that's just like a like an open envelope military i think it's just called a cover. Right. Yeah. I don't think we can even use their nomenclature.

I think that's illegal for a civilian. We're impersonating military people by hat. If we knew the name, we'd have to kill ourselves. I got this fucking package. He sent that suit. He sent me a shirt. It won't fit unless I fucking lose weight, which means start smoking again. And I see where you're going with this, Jeremy.

I like your style and whoopie cushion and some games. It was a nice guy. He sent that along. Thank you very much for that. And everybody sent fucking stickers. All of a sudden, I, we had at least three different packages,

chock full of fucking stickers. Cause, uh, I mentioned that we had a trash can. We covered with all the band stickers and stuff that we'd got from the road. And then the, the bottom blue out of that from everyone,

uh, you know what? I'm going to, uh, empty the fire pit in there and then, then not bring it to the trash and leave the top open of a, like, what is it?

It's like 90 gallon, you know, the big rubber things that are on two wheels, the old ones that go to the curb and leave the top open of a 90 gallon, you know the big rubber things that are on two wheels wheeled ones that go to the curb so then they leave the top open and then it rains monsoon rains into fucking ash and makes cement and then they just dump it again and again so finally the sides blew out

on all the stickers can we peel the stickers off and put them on the new one? Well you've've done just today, I think, would cover one entire 700-gallon trash can like that. I have no idea. You know how big it is. You've seen old men try to hump that up. I have hernias. I can't hump it out anymore.

This was wicked funny. I don't even know the name. I think they sent stickers, too. Here's the CD they sent We're fucking We got a bunch of shit today So Bingo and I Bingo's still fucking retarded She goes to the doctor tomorrow

She's sitting here staring at me right now Not arguing that she has not Come out of this Since it's been 5-6 days now Since the thump on the melon and she has never like spoken without sounding like she's just get out of bed and yeah so we'll find out well no we won't find out tomorrow we'll find out when we can get it took us a week to get to a doctor who can refer us to a neurologist fucking town this is uh this is so fucking funny and it was just a moment by myself where i came out of the bathroom and we opened all this shit like it's christmas morning and we're paper flying everywhere and then bingo has to bring her

friends back to the airport up in tucson and i come out and trousers to cat is fucking up on the coffee table binge wood silver lake debutantes is the uh self uh styled artistry of the cd of the silver lake debutantes and it says binge wood on the hill in the background anyway it, it's a CD of the Silver Lake debutantes, and my fucking cat is sitting over it, trying to lick, sniff, gnaw. Like, she's trying to get it open. Like, wow, you must love the, I assume, hip-hop. I don't know.

And I sat there, and it wasn't, like, one thing. Like, she's kind of attacking it. And I'm going like, that thing must've been near catnip or something is all I could think of. And I was, I thought, fuck, if I had my phone,

maybe I'd film this and send it to them going, wow, my cat's really into your fucking band. I haven't even listened to this. Now look, J. Lee, rather than read the inside, absolutely right. man, I haven't even listened to this. No, look, Charlie,

rather than read the inside, absolutely right. They had fucking sent that CD along with, read it, I don't. Ratso's 100% organic catnip. Three blind mice.

Three natural hemp cat toys. Just because it was packaged with the CD she's fucking smelling the CD going fucking crazy it looks like this is something

you buy at the farmer's market it's very don't don't the cat's here now so don't fucking open it yet it's getting me excited

I am not I'm still in a place where there's nothing funnier than watching a cat go fucking ape shit with catnip is always

entertaining every time it's never look at the kitty yeah yeah look at the fucking kitty it's wicked entertaining oh shit chaley spilled on one of my notes from last night mention devil makes three because uh a few listeners have uh plugged uh the band devil makes three was that after the podcast yeah we were listening after the podcast and they said whatever the one you sent me last night i went all right and i listened to it i go yeah that's pretty fucking good and a lot of people like the uh flogging molly uh someone said, oh, thanks for mentioning that. And they're touring with Gogo Bordello,

evidently, who I just got turned on to. So, by you, Bingo. Bingo said, that's me. All right. And so, thanks for the catnip

and the whoopee cushions and the suits and the funny letters. And thank you we just did shots oh you're doing another shot of that I spilled that one oh alright I'll do a half shot because I didn't like it but

I'm sure it'll mix well with something someone uh hey the names I don't have I think because this didn't have fucking hey I wrote it down. Jonathan. Jonathan something.

I don't know. I think that's the guy here. Moyet. Jonathan Moyet is the name that's on there. It doesn't say anything, but that the the buyer is jonathan moye uh sent a bottle of here we go as you can tell we're kind of really uh fudging that whole two drinks at night thing i'm just not getting hammered or blacking out or getting drunk to the point where i'm gonna go down and get cigarettes and fuck it. There's nothing to live for.

This is called Baron Jaeger. I don't know if it's made by the Jaeger Meister people, but it's got the double dots over the A's of Baron Jaeger. That's a little Taylor Negron. Negron reference. Not to be confused with the Negroni, which is the drink we were drinking last night that sounds like jabroni, which is a...

and tastes like fucking moxie. If any New Englanders are out there, fucking the Negroni, the Campari in it has the same aftertaste as Moxie Soda. And if you know that taste, you'll never forget it. Please hold while I drink half of a little tiny plastic

disposable shot of Balanyaga. Honey and bourbon. It's terrible. That tastes like fucking dust. I'm sure if you use it as a replacement for what were you drinking last night?

Drambuie. Which is also supposed to be a honey bourbon kind of liqueur. A bit of aromatic, yeah. I'm sure you could, but not straight up. That's fucking awful. This is sweeter, definitely. Yeah, it's sweeter, and it tastes like dust.

All right, this is what happened with your Baron Jaeger there, Jeremy. No, Jonathan. We can just cut a lot of that out. This is what happened with your liquor delivery. I'm trying to do taxes. I started doing taxes, and I got a good head of steam, and then I've stopped. And then I'm trying to get back into it, but something's always wrong. So I look out the front window of the regular house where all my tax shit is, and I see a bright yellow moving truck, fucking Ryder truck.

Not even. It's a Penske, the moving truck. But the bright yellow one is Penske. But they've removed the Ryder or Penske, whatever it is, name off. The signage off the side. It's like what they call a cube truck. Yeah. A big box. Yeah truck yeah a big box

yeah it's a and a big one like the 16 footer yeah and so it pulls up this is a small street to have a 16 foot fucking moving truck and then i realized it pulls up right in front of my house which means it's for us no one's no one ever uses the neighbors across the street use the other side of the street for so anyway so i'm standing there going, ah, fuck. Why is there a movie? And then I realized, oh, that's like an old movie. That's not. They've removed the logo.

Like all the fucking Penske has been whitewashed or yellowwashed. Stripped off. So I'm like, ah, fuck. Who is it? So the guy sits in there for a while, and I shut the curtain so I can peek. Like, I have what you call yarn kind of curtains, so I can see through, like, between the yarn,

but they can't see me staring at him. And the guy gets out, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I didn't lock the gate. So he comes through the gate. Ichabod starts going batshit, but he's all the way back up on the deck in the backyard. And I'm like, hurry up, Ichabod. He's coming to the door. And then knock, knock, knock.

And I had because right by the door is where I keep all my thrift store shit, which is all the stuff that I keep talking about. Hey, thanks, whoever sent me that book of moon pictures. That was today. Book of moon pictures. I like the moon pictures. That was very nice. Thrift store. You're helping a lot of fucking weird people down at your thrift store in Bisbee.

All right. That's a cool thing. What am I going to do with it? If I can't re-gift it, go to the thrift store in bisbee all right i that's a cool thing what am i gonna do with it if i can't read gift it go to the thrift store so that fucking nine millimeter looking bb gun that i almost killed my cat with is sitting right there in the thrift store piles so this time i'm not paranoid i didn't know this is the guy gets out of the fucking moving truck and he's got a box that looks like a box liquor would be in and he's gonna going to, I don't want to talk to him. My whole point is, all right, occasionally a fan will stop by.

If I'm in the mood, I'll go, all right, one cocktail and that's it. And then fuck off forever. But I'll be nice for a little while. And then don't come back. Don't confuse that honesty with, I mean that hospitality with we're gonna be buddies you drove all the way down here okay but i was not in the mood for even that so uh i thought oh he's coming in with a bottle of booze well he'll just leave it as i'm i had i have the fake nine millimeter in my hand now that's for funny like i Like, I know the guy's not going to try to get through my regular real door.

Got through the gate and here comes the dog. And then I'm standing there. If you had any idea what you were literally 10 inches away from on the other side of that door was me peering through the curtain, holding a fake fucking BB gun ninemm at the crack of the door and then thinking, should I just open the door and just put the gun out? Stick the end of it. Just

six inches, enough to get my hand through and then just put the gun in your face without you being able to see anything but the gun. That sounds funny. I thought, well, it could be funny. I didn't do it, but I'm thinking that would be funny. Not if he wouldn't know just to hear like the tweets and stuff. I fucking showed up in his house, man.

What if he had a non BB nine millimeter? What if he had a non-BB 9mm? Well, I immediately felt the door slamming on my wrist like the guy. I learned that in self-defense class, but I didn't know what else to do. I snapped your wrist. Sorry about the compound fracture. There's no orange tip. So he sits there, and then Ichabod comes around and like, all right, Ichabod's the fucking

closer of chad shanking here and i and he's fucking saying ichabod's name i'm like he must listen to the podcast because i bring up ichabod so he fucking finally leaves and he sits out in his truck for it seems interminable and you know he's got a piece of paper, and I know, okay, he's writing a note. Sorry, I tried to fucking come and say thanks for all the jokes, and here's a bottle of booze in a fucking cardboard box. Sorry I missed you. And I tweet, I'm sorry I missed you too. I must have been taking a shit in the trailer.

And he left, and I ran down to the fucking Chaley's you guys. And I go, Hey, watch out for fucking yellow moving truck. There's a, some fan guy just came by the house. So if he tries to come down here, I don't know if he's going to go looking for the trailer or what.

And Chaley goes, Oh, he's got a moving truck? Fuck, we could probably unload that Jesus at the Last Supper couch on him. And I'm like, that's a brilliant idea. So I jump in the fucking towel, and I go cruising around.

I go, all right, if the guy's coming back, because the guy, he's fucking with paperwork, like he's going to leave a note, but he didn't. He'd never get back. Then he just drove off. I'm like, oh, well, he decided not to leave a note, but he didn't. He'd never get back. Then he just drove off. I'm like, oh, well, he decided not to leave a note because he's writing a note. That means you're going to come back later. So you're probably going to go to the closest bar or uptown to the old Bisbee bar.

I'm going to take a fucking few laps and see if we can get rid of this couch and get my bottle of booze without you having to come over for a cocktail. I am a fucking mercenary whore like that. And I found him. I wasn't even at a bar, just down the street at the Firestone, the tire station. He's backed in diagonal. He's backed into the fucking Firestone place. All right, that's pretty quick.

You can't just break down. I left within three this is within three minutes of the dude leaving my house. I've come down to talk to you, then decided, oh, fuck, we should find out about this guy, and then so he's backed in there, and I pull over to the side of the road, and I call Matt down at the Firestone,

and I go, Matt, he goes, yeah, this is Doug Stano. I go, hey, Doug. I go, listen, is that that fire, that rider truck, that moving truck, Penske, Penske, whatever it is. It's a bright yellow truck. It's the only thing in his fucking park. Go that yellow moving truck. If the guy's there, don't say anything. But what's up with that dude?

He was just at my house. I think he's a fan. But he came in and he goes, no, no, that's a whatever fucking Reggie or RJ or something. He's a, he's like a delivery guy.

He's like, uh, what's the other word? Courier service. He's like a courier. He's just dropping off some tires. I'm like, ah,

all right. That's weird. I thought he was a fan. And I, I go, I'm right here. I'm pulling in now. Uh,

and I go, it's weird weird he knew my dog's name and i went in and i said uh the guy's getting in his car and he looks right at me as he gets before he gets in his truck and he doesn't recognize me i'm wearing my reading glasses still on the tip of my nose. I fucking wear these things. I'm driving. I'm not reading anything, but they're down at the tip of my nose. I go, this is doing nothing but fucking up my driving vision. I just don't notice. You forgot him or was that your disguise?

I do that all the time. Maybe he doesn't recognize it. So I take him off and I follow him around to his door. You got something for me? He's like, Van Dyke. I didn't even around to his door. I go, you got something for me? And he's like, Van Dyke. And I didn't even say Van Dyke. He goes, oh, it must have been his only other delivery.

Well, yeah, that and the retreads, right? He goes, yeah, sorry. And then he stopped and he goes, how did you know that I? And I go, I, I got people just like, just to fuck with him. But then I realized he doesn't, yeah,

he is just a courier. You're just a fucking weird guy. He said, yeah, well, I need to, uh, I need ID because it's alcohol.

So I need proof of, uh, your age and you're the person that it's going to. I don't have my wallet. I just jumped in a fucking van and follow you around like a weirdo. So I didn't say that. I go, yeah, all right.

He goes, you don't live far. I'll just follow me back. And he followed me back. And then, of course, I'd lock the gate. So then I go to get in. I can't get into my own house. I have to go all the way around. You live here? Yeah. And then I even locked the front door which i never fucking locked

because i locked and then like all right hang on i gotta go around again to the back of the house and yeah i didn't know who i was at all and uh someone had just sent me how did first of all how do you fucking have booze sent via some dude like there's three beats a day is the post office and if you don't get good shit then you hope for ups and then maybe fedex but you don't wait for some dude in what used to be a moving van yeah how do you like how does that why wouldn't it go fedex or ups this is just some dude a private courier service in a moving van that has the brand name painted over well it's just a truck that was bought an auction or but he also has rules where he had paperwork that i had to sign and he had to copy down my driver's license number. Oh, you know what it might be?

Some dude. No, it's, it's a company that does a lot of internet sales. Oh, is the company. Oh, Bevmo. Okay. That's a, that's a huge company. They hire some dude.

So they hire a courier service because they probably get a discount on volume and they probably insist that they follow through. The volume is that he dropped off tires and knew that i must be the other guy because he didn't i assume he knows who doug stanhope is because he looks like a fan he did and he looked like a fan he he was when he first delivered it he was smiling like he's getting away from with something as he's coming into my house like when i'm looking at him like you, fucking rear naked window or whatever that movie is. Rear window.

Yeah. Rear naked, rear naked window. Uh, your house is a bit of a, a site when you, especially if you're a guy coming off the road from Sierra Vista or Tucson, you know,

when the Penske truck. Actually, that might've had something to do with it. He's like, the guy's like blond. He looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights. Yeah. And that affectation where he's just smiling and kind of coy. But he's doing that alone, like coming in, like,

or maybe that's just what I was seeing. But no, he was like that oh you were seeing a lot so when he when he yeah i know i'm standing there with my fake gun again my pajama pants me and my pj pants and my fake gun creeped out by well yeah you think that there's an info bomb someone pulls a fucking rider truck in front of your you thought someone was coming up to drink with you but they parked in the middle of the street in a Ryder or a Penske truck. No, no, they pulled up where we parked. Oh, they did park.

Yeah, they parked right in front of Bruce's. I thought they parked like the FedEx or something. No, no, no. Okay. No, he parked, and he sat there for a while before. Sure. Anyway, so I'm getting the booze, get my ID, and then he's just saying, well, I guess you're an artist.

And I go, no, but the people we hire to paint this shit are artists. Oh, what do you do here? And I have my pat answers. You never say what you do if you want to get the fuck out of that conversation. So you have your Bisbee pat answers of, I don't do anything. No one in this town does anything. Everybody I know does nothing. That's everything.

You say, that's not. But I mean, like, what do you do for work? It's one of those people that won't let go. What do you do? Well, first of all, I've already done that whole thing where I have people. Like, how did you know I have a package for you? I got people. People look out.

You sound like a drug dealer. Exactly. I realize the more I talk, the more I'm saying, don't ask me any fucking questions. Yeah. I got people and I don't fucking work. Yeah. Get what I mean? Yeah.

Get the fuck off my property. Yeah. I got a fucking angry dog. And a loaded BB gun. Yeah. All of a sudden, my property's locked. The one you were at three minutes ago and you walked through this gate now i can't even get through i can't get through and then i can't even get through my front door once i go on around and i come to the gate oh fuck i can't get through please hold again yeah

fort knox huh don't do a thing that's what i do i don't do a thing. That's what I do. I don't do a thing. Oh, be having some fun tonight with the Baron Jaeger. And here we are. Thank you for that. Uh, Jonathan, let's take a break and I'll fucking get to, uh, some,

uh, breaking news right after this. Hey, this is Rhonda Rousey. And you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Okay, a quick shout out to whoever sent me that Amazon link, because that book, that 1965-ish year-in-review anthology color catalog thing that was very cool.

On the back, it's fun to be a Polak book that the guy had mailed away for, and I said, I bet someone will find that. J. Lee, I'll find that. Don't ask people to do stuff. Well, some guy found it and sent me me a link to it so i bought it so uh it's fun to be a polak is on its way from amazon and oh my god we're we're gonna have a whole new segment i'm guessing bust up your friends i forget how they phrased it slay your friends with your polak jokes and there was a one one one star review on amazon for it's fun

to be a polak and it was just like no one has ever addressed the anti-polish they finally beat that stigma after lequilesa stood up and glasnost but it still lingers. And oh, yes, the fucking polls. They still live under that thumb of oppression. You know, it's really hard to get. I mean, I have handymen that I use here. But Bisbee, again, going back to, so what do you do? No one does anything. It's Bisbee. No one has a job. Uh, but no one does have a job. We can get people that know how to do shit. Like I've, uh, had handymen, uh, and we have a lot of Eastern European immigrants here and, uh,

they don't fucking just like anyone else. No one wants to work. But those are the people that you can get over here. And I had one of those the fucking the bulbs that you like pull out. What do you call those? Yeah, the three prong thing. And you had to pull and I'm going to bust this. It felt like it's so I just I had my handyman. He goes, well, I'll get my crew together.

And I'm like, and I said, well, how many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? This is what we were doing. This is what I was talking about, trying to make regular material fit into. And the funny part is I literally have paid a handyman to change a light bulb like that. Handy Bob, the one in front of the little house, the guest house. There's a bulb up there, and it's really fucked up. But yes, see? Zing!

Gotcha! How many bulbs? How many did it take? How many? Yeah, no, no. Do you have the answer? Yeah, it's three. Three.

One to hold the light bulb and the other two to turn the ladder that's the answer so anyway yeah I got that book thank you guy who sent me the link to that I knew I could count on you to find it for me

and uh fuck uh alright up next is word of the day. Uh, who's our sponsor tonight? Hey kids, what do you want for dinner? I want sushi. I want cooked meat. Well, we can't both have both. Yes, we can, Berthenia.

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and savor some of our delicious chicken, seafood, and steak on the rock. See you tonight at 707 North Horizon in Grand Junction. Call for reservations right now, 970-245-0678. And mention the Doug Stanhope Podcast for free edamame. This ad was Doug Stanhope Podcast approved. All right, and the word of the day today from Roger's Thesaurus. It's not Roger's Thesaurus.

It's Roger's Special Thesaurus. Roger's Special Thesaurus of words for intellectuals. I don't think you can even get this. I don't even know if I could co-sign for this book. What if I know Doug Stanhope? He's an intellectual. Well, no, he isn't. And just because I am doesn't mean that you can be. So you have to get these words only from me. You can't get these in just a regular Roger's the source. These are Roger's words for intellectuals. Roger comes over and frisks you intellectually frisking to make sure that you are of a standard.

All right. All right. I picked this word because I love the words that I've probably used and was fucking wrong about the meaning. Oh, by the way, here's a big outing myself. I think Deadbeat Hero used the word truncated where I meant the exact opposite. I used truncated thinking it meant prolapsed. No, it meant the opposite. It's shortened.

Holding her fucking truncated anus in her hands as she ran down the street. See somewhere, I guess the visuals of a small child running down the avenue with her prolapsed rectum in her hands like a bleeding sea snake, I think was the actual verbiage. People don't notice. Oh, he used truncated completely wrong there. They're horrified by the image. Shocked by the other.

Yeah, it's like the little girl in Vietnam with the napalm, that famous. Running down the street naked. Yeah, their skin burned off. You know the picture. Yeah, that was the same girl in Vietnam with the napalm, that famous running down the street naked. Yeah. There were skin burned off, you know, the picture. Yeah. That was the same girl in my, but I've,

I've whitened her up and Americanized her. Like we have Jesus. He gave her a bleeding sea snake. Yeah. Yeah. Little, little fucking anal stigmata. So this is a word that I, uh always gadfly hey you're a gadfly you think you know what that means

because i asked chaley and chaley just like me thought it meant like a hugh hefner like the kind of life of the party guy like i'm a gadfly. I go to this conversation and that conversation. There's another, there's a, if I knew the word I was talking about, I could go to a thesaurus and find it. Yeah, it's not that. It's a fucking irritant. A gadfly, I could name some people.

A gadfly is not only an actual fly that bites livestock but also one who annoys irritates and provokes so yeah that's not like a life of the party i'm a gadfly i'm i go from this conversation to that conversation i'm happy to see you everyone that's what i thought of it no you're a fucking area or maybe that guy is an irritant. I don't know. But yeah, gadflies that fucking asshole at a party. So there you go. So if you thought gadfly meant something else,

you, you were wrong like me. And if you didn't know what gadfly meant, now you do. That's the easy one to don't be a gadfly. I thought I probably described myself as a gadfly hosting Super Bowl parties. And then people go, yeah, well, at least he knows who he is. A fucking irritant.

All right, so that's your word for the day. And here's another word for the day. I'm out of retirement. That's not a word at all i'm officially out of retirement because uh tickets just went on sale for june something in toronto i don't know the date i didn't know that it was i didn't know i was fucking unretired till i saw it on twitter hey i see you fucking i got tickets for your toronto date i didn't know i had it i knew it was in the works i knew canada had been hinted at i didn't know it was actually for sale so uh yeah canada is the last place we uh we started a tour right after the last special came out we started a tour right after the last special came out. We started the, uh,

up there. We were calling it the tiny blisters tour. We did a, uh, and now it's the full blown AIDS tour or the open source tour or the weeping lesion tour because the tiny blisters was just, it was a herpes reference and, uh,

uh, intellectual herpes spreading bad ideas across Canada. Cause I knew I was working out all new material. Cause the special had just come out during the tour. It came out and I knew I'd be fucking just from scratch. Any idea. So tiny blisters of little tiny ideas that, yeah,

I used you. And now the festering open gaping bed sore tour whatever we call it that's what that all that shit ended up as because I can't start a new because I don't have a new fucking special and I still have to do that material in Europe and the UK not that they're different.

I'm trying to find your phone. Yeah, yeah, no, I just, Bingo's falling asleep. You're fucking tapping away on your phone. No, I'm trying to find the Toronto date. Yeah, it doesn't, it's not even on DougStanup.com. Yeah, well, it's not on my site. You know what? Here's the thing.

One of the, after the first several tweets, hey, fuck yeah, come to Toronto, get tickets. Everyone's getting tickets. And then one asshole, holy shit, fucking $56 for tickets. I guess that's with a service fee. All I know is Hennigan called me and he's like, the place we played last year or two years ago now it will be two years a year and a half ago the opera house in toronto was a fucking nightmare we're starting to come into problems with this like the opera house we could

put the amount of people that will come to a show in toronto that place, but it was standing room only. It was fucking nightmarish. It was hot. It was, everything was fucked up. It was one of those, you just run out the back door and go, fuck them. Sorry. Like if I, if I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have booked it. But then you get into, all right, yeah, this is going to be a couple bucks more, but you're going to, you're going to sit in couple bucks more but you're gonna you're gonna sit in a seat the guy that's throwing up behind you will have his own lap to throw up in yeah it's gonna be nice so yeah that that was intolerable that place last year it was fucking chaos 900 something people all standing and it seemed like sloped in my weird memories of it.

I'm trying to remember. It was the one where we walked down the alley with those rats? There's a lot of alleys and rats. That was Vancouver. Yeah, that was the heroin district. Yeah, that was the rickshaw. Yeah. Yeah.

Something I still love about that place even though it's terrible. Toronto. Yeah, you'll find it in your notes. The point is, yes, I guess there's some excessive service fees because 56 bucks. I remember when Hennigan said, well, we can go to this venue. It's going to cost us more, but it's going to cost people more. And how do you want to set tickets? And he said, Jim Jeffries, I go, I go make it a dollar more than whatever Jim Jeffries

charged last time he was in Toronto, because that that's sufficient for me. I just got to make a dollar more than Jim Jeffries. And that's good. A dollar per ticket. Yeah. You just find out like, all right, who's over there? That's I think comparable. Maybe.

There's a fucking guy. I'm not, I can't trash comics. I mean, I can, but I don't, not on, not on the air. If you get me in a bar, I'll fucking trash a lot of them. Even the ones I like, even my closest friends. I'll fucking, I can, I can go to town on. Yeah. But I'd never be invited to a roast because I don't make jokes.

I just go, oh, yeah. You know what it is? He's got a proclivity for a weird thing. Ask six Danish whores. Have you ever done a roast? No, I can't. I would come off so serious. Yeah.

Yeah. I do roasts every night here. Just give you shit. Give your girl girl shit give bingo's friends shit you're in a good role this fucking guy like i heard he's like all right he's charging like 10 bucks more than me and i is only i randomly saw him on showtime one night and he he has a face imagine if ben stiller looked more retarded and he wasn't kidding and this guy was charging 10 bucks more than me like he's a and he's awful like again to me he's awful there's nothing at all and so irritating to look at that you just want to fucking hammer him with a softball bat, like a wooden bat. Can I guess? You wouldn't know him.

You wouldn't know his name. But no, you can't guess. Okay. Because I'll show you his picture. All right. You'll show me. Hang on. Hang on.

Play the fucking theme song from Jeopardy. out play the fucking theme song from uh jeopardy dude dude i just i'm just gonna show you his picture and see what your first for the record i have the same kind of face that makes if i saw my face i would want to beat my face in i've seen videos of myself and i go, oh, if I didn't know I had that face, I would want to smash my face in and straighten my awkward jaw and take out my fucking ugly teeth. So I know when someone has this face, but this. OK, just go and look at the top row. Look at the top row. That guy who's a. Like no comic would ever fucking like that guy.

And he looks like that. How dare you? If they can blow it up and see it in that selfie, then yeah. It's like a puzzle. It's a mixture of Bowser from Sha Na Na and a fucking idiot. But here are this. Well, I'd say he looks like a couple other people. I know, but I don't want. That's his act.

That's his act. OK. Oh, OK. You can see you guys act from the picture. All right. That's his act. Got it. Yeah.

Got it. That's his act. Oh, so, yeah. If you go, oh, hey, that's we're trying to we're getting to a place where we're gonna start getting fucked with ticket fees more and more until we can find the angle we're sorry sorry there's too many of you get back to if i only have 35 fans we can go back to that corner bar remember the good old days but now there's more of you. And I have less fucking time left on this

planet. So, yeah, we get a nice place and that, unfortunately, this time means fucking ticketing fees, but guess what? It's only a dollar more than it would cost to see Jim Jeffries at fucking $10 less than this

fucking goofy-eyed. He could be a cyclops. If it weren't for the giant nose, the eyes would touch each other. It's funny because there's like, what, six rows of pictures? Five rows of pictures? How the fuck did Joey Diaz get in there? There's one picture on Google Image of Joey Diaz. On both sides are the other guy.

He's like in the middle somehow. The entire thing is this. Oh, my God. That is so funny. So, yeah, I'll be. I'm sorry this one time. You know, it's fucking. What's it?

Fifteen bucks more than the last time. And most of that's ticket, whatever it is. I usually don't pay to get in. What you do, I don't know what we fucking charge. I only know because one guy, one guy tweets me and all of a sudden I'm collapsing in my soul going, I hope people don't find it. Just smuggle in your own booze.

Hey, just saved you money. You were going to spend fucking like 120 bucks just getting shit facedfaced how about yeah bring a flask stupid there i just made you money send me a hundred dollars you're gonna bring in a $20 flask you just fucking saved a hundred i want that hundred because i just made you money all right that's uh that's uh that's all i had to say about that i think i'm out of retirement we're gonna yeah we'll be doing other places in canada i did give brian hennigan the filthy uncut scotsman permission to go rogue and try to play some weird places i don't know that we're gonna play what's

the what's the one way past halifax that we're like newfoundland is it newfoundland is that even a part of canada or is that its own country yeah no nova scotia i think new fees are like way even east of nova scotia i'm not sure prince edward island is up there somewhere and then there's the yukon territory to the west that uh bill burr and i said hey maybe we'll uh we'll yeah just do that together we're making a joke on his podcast i wasn't joking i'll do it will bill burr probably not he's got uh way more going on than i do that's a glen wool territory up there in the yukon you know what a moving truck shows up outside of bill burr's house he does not reach for a fake 9mm BB gun,

hoping that it's not someone who wants to have a cocktail with him. Because he's not in the mood. I don't know where this is going. Let's get to a... Oh, I fucked up last night. See, what we do is we, of course,

tape the Day 24 podcast on day 25 because we had to know that I'm still in my self-imposed hashtag tin can rehab. Wait, we release. No, we tape. Day one, we taped the podcast on day two because we had to make sure day one... I didn't start out day one going, hey, it's day one in the podcast.

Oh, okay. I don't know what's going to happen. We waited until day two to tape about day one. Okay, that makes sense now. So we're day after, and then it comes out the day after that. So with all that, I fucked up how many songs we have left which is great because

there was one song i wanted to jam in there just out of spite or some kind of common decency or and now it now it's gonna fit but that's not the one we're gonna play tonight all right the song of the day today is uh is one of those songs that you have to know the backstory. I knew this song, and I loved this song when I first heard it, but it was years before I found out what the song was about. And once you find out what the song is about, it has whole new meaning. All those lyrics make sense all of a sudden. And rather than try to fuck with it, I just went to the Wikipedia page,

and I will give you uh this is according to bob geldof boomtown rats did the song uh he wrote the song after reading a telex report at georgia state about the shooting spree of 16 year old brenda ann spencer who fired at children in a school playground at Grover Cleveland Elementary School in San Diego in 1979, killing two adults, injuring eight children and one police officer. Spencer showed no remorse for her crime and her full explanation for her actions was, I don't like Mondays. This livens up the day. So here is Boomtown Rats, one of the fucking best songs ever. I don't like Mondays. The Silicon Chip inside her head gets switched to overload

And nobody's gonna go to school today She's gonna make them stay at home Daddy doesn't understand it He always said she was good as gold And he can see no reasons Cause there are no reasons What reason do you need to be shown? Tell me why I don't like Mondays tell me what

I don't like Mondays tell me what I don't like Mondays I wanna shoot the whole day down the telex machine is kept so clean and it types to a waging world a mother feels

so shocked father's world is rocked and their thoughts turn to their own little girl sweet sixteen ain't that beachy keen now it ain't so neat to admit defeat They can see no reasons cause there are no reasons What reasons do you need?

Oh, tell me why I don't like Mondays Tell me why I don't like Mondays Tell me why I don't like Mondays. Tell me what. I don't like Mondays. I want to shoot. The whole day down, down, down. Shoot it on down. And now the playing's stopped in the playground now She wants to play with her toys a while And school's out early and soon we'll be learning

And the lesson today is how to die And then the bullhorn crack learning and the lesson today is how to die. And then the bull hole crackles and the captain tackles with the bubbles in the house and wife. And he can see no reasons cause there are no reasons. What reason do you need to die, die? die oh and the silicon chip inside her head can't switch to overload oh and nobody's gonna go to school today she's gonna make them stay at home and daddy doesn't understand that he always said she was good as gold And he can see no reasons Cause there are no reasons why Lisa, do you need to be sure?

Tell me why I don't like money Tell me why I don't like money Tell me why I don't like I don't like Tell me why I don't like money Tell me why I don't like, I don't like, I don't like Mondays. Tell me why I don't like, I don't like, I don't like Mondays. Tell me why I don't like Mondays.

I want to shoot. The whole day down