The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 25 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 15, 2015

DAY 25A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking.  Doug admits to stealing and shows off his new pajamas.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 13, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Ballatore Sparkling Wine - http://www.ballatore.com/  Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Song Of The South” by Alabama. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You know what I was just thinking, does Mr. Hennigan even know how to make a drink? As you were pouring it, we're doing the French 75s right now. Did we already say that we were going to do this? I think you spoke of the history behind it. It's a long story drink. Right, right. So there's vodka and gin versions, and I think there's a long story drink. Right, right. So there's vodka and gin versions and I think

there's a bourbon version that I saw. But either way, it's champagne and we're using we're using sparkling wine of some kind. It's kind of like champagne but I buy this shit. What is it? I want to fucking plug that.

Is it Balotors? Yeah, Balotor. Because when we make mimosas, fucking champagne just goes, you know, like the old science experiment with the baking soda and the vinegar. There's no way to make them. How do you make a fucking mimosa? When you pour the champagne into the orange juice. No, both ways. I tried it both ways because I always think I must have fucked up yet again.

And I, oh, it's the other way. No, I did it both ways. It fucks up both ways and it spills out like a volcano. You get the sparkling wine. Who gives a shit? We're not fucking connoisseurs. I just want some orange juice and I want a cocktail and I want to be able to write it off at 945 a.m. that I'm having a fucking cocktail.

So Balotor sparkling wine. It's cheap shit like the cheap champagne. Eat a little bit cheaper. And it doesn't spill all over the place. And when you put gin and vodka in it with a maraschino cherry and some lime juice and simple syrup, it's fucking it's a French 75. Yeah. Freedom 75.

How about that? Freedom 75. 75 yeah freedom 75 how about that freedom 75 so so i don't know if as you're making these i'm looking over there going because i said well make whatever you want i'll drink whatever you make and i realize you've made every single drink i've not learned how to make one drink i mean i see what's in them and i bought it but i haven haven't made anything. And now you're leaving me and you're leaving me with Hennigan and Hennigan. I can't see like coming out here and muddling things and crushing mint for a julep or putting any time or caring into it. And I'm going to miss you. I don't want you to go away. Well, it just, everything worked out this way because of the Bretchells. So blame them.

Well, hopefully, yeah. At Mr. Hennigan on Twitter. Maybe send him a few. Tips. Drink recipes. Or, you know. Tell him to wash his hands. Yeah, some hot tips on how to be more of a good host like a Chaley.

He'll fucking hate that. I don't know. I don't know if he listens to these podcasts. I can tell when he's bored because I get a lot more calls and a lot more forwarded stories from the Internet. And today, yeah. Oh, it seems you've got an email. Someone thinks you might have a torn rotator cuff. I know.

It's my fucking email. Like, you have the thing to check some shit, but you're just randomly going, oh, yes. I wonder how much time he spends in my email. I don't care. He's actually flagging, like, personal things. Yeah. care he's he's uh actually flagging like personal things yeah well i mean it comes people people go through like the the contact page goes to both of us i know but he's flagging things like of a personal nature and then bringing them up in conversation with you

well it had just come in recently i had already read it and within an hour he's yeah oh yes sir He read it, and within an hour, he's like, oh, yes, sir. If I hadn't mentioned it or if he saw, I don't know. Point is, yeah. Was it your mic holding hand? This could impact both of us. The point is, I can tell he's bored and probably day drinking based on. Well, not necessarily because of that, but a lot of times when he's selling sending you silly shit and it's only you know 5 30 at night and it's you know like a lot like

all right are you just sitting at home doing nothing and having one after another one after another yeah well that's that's so that yeah i don't know i've if this is a torn rotator cuff, that's a wicked cool injury to have. I know neighbor Dave had rotator cuff surgery on both shoulders. And he described some really awful shit. I don't know if it was after the fact, but them having to go in and gouge away scar tissue and hearing the thing scrape against the bone and like i don't know if that's part of the surgery or part of the precursor to the like all right you're gonna need surgery or after the surgery but still a torn rotator cuff sounds like i did something

with that rotator cuff to tear it like Like you lead an active life. Yeah. Lefty, even. Lefty! So, again, I don't, if that's true, she was a professional. She said, I'm a massage therapist. I know that doesn't mean fuck all. But, yeah, and you know what muscles are connected to things that I was pretty specific in what.

So yeah, if I have that, that's great. I said, thank you very much. I will put that on my list of things to ignore and not use. To not mention to anyone who's a doctor. Honestly, other than trying to scratch the middle of my back yesterday, the fucking Tahoe, since I've had it, has a busted door. So to

get out of the driver's side of the Tahoe, I have to roll down the window and then reach out and open it from the outside and then roll the window back up. And that's the only time my torn rotator cuff comes into play is when i'm trying to let myself out of the fucking top it's our beater car and other than that i can't see any

real problem with dying with this torn rotator cuff other than it would be cool to say i had rotator cuff surgery all right since you guys are always willing to help i really need a good doctor on speed dial dr steve i don't want to bother that guy because he's already like kind of in the public eye but he's always been great four times or three time zones too you don't want to yeah he's in tennessee it's a mess uh which i think is half and half you never. I fucking hate those half and half states. What's that? The time zones.

I'm not sure Tennessee is one. I know Indiana used to be, maybe it stopped being, but there's some states here you go, like half the states, one time zone, half. Remember we had that, what was it, fucking Muncie, where we played, we only had like an hour to be. So he dumped you off to set up merch straight from. I think it was Muncie.

That fucking weird club. Like the time zone or time a time warp. We went. It was like 1987 comedy club. So Dr. Steve has been very good when it it mattered but this is not something that that matters i i've had i can't even remember the problems i had the fucking lumps on my eye dr steve hey chalasians but it would be good to have a uh in our court. But since even the massage therapist can weigh in, fuck, pause that for a second.

But since you're all willing to weigh in and tell me your opinions, how many surgeries could you get at once? If you're going to get the anesthesia anyway, if I get two hernias, could I not? And this is where medical tourism might come into play because there's a whole industry of medical tourism. Okay. Well, if you go to India, here's things you can get cut rate. You can get fucking disc surgery and rotator cuffs. Oh, that's more of a Philippines thing. And it's really old people do this. They plan their vacations around, okay, I can get a kidney in Panama

or whatever it is. That's a shocking statement. For fucking pennies on the dollar and really good. Mexican dentistry. Zero recoup costs. I mean, when you're recuperating, you're beach side and paying nothing. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Some fucking towel boy is coming down. He's changing your gauze in your bag. Swabbing the pan and dabbing that margarita off your lips. You meant colostomy bag. I thought you meant changing my luggage need would my luggage need to be changed? Ooh. Yeah.

So I would like if you could take, and I'm sure you can. I mean, I'm not Howard Hughes, but in a third world country, I can, if I could hire a team of rivals as Abraham Lincoln, no, a team of doctors, just different specialists. Okay. I need road rotator cuff surgery. Sir,

you're going to have to pick all the things that you, we can't have you belly up and then belly down your belly down, rotate a cup. All the face down things we can do at once. South of the equator stuff one day. Yeah, your hernias, your chalasians on your eyes. That's north of the equator. You want this scrote tuck?

You want to bring that ball sack up? We're fucking down. Your stitches owe plenty from the belly button down anyway. Might as well get the ball bag tightened up to human sizes. We'll turn you over, give you ass cheek implants, maybe lengthen your Achilles tendon there so you don't walk like a stooge. I don't know. Can you do that has it been done can you get a million surgeries at once and if not why not because someone says no one of the reasons that i lean libertarian where you people who go well it's not uh you know it's

dangerous i'm taking the fucking risk. Yeah, it's your call. Yeah, me and a guy with a scalpel. How about a guy that just flunked out of fucking medical school just because he wasn't that good? How about, let me decide. You know, fucking, I'll check him on Yelp. Oh, I lost an eye because I tried to save a buck or two. And you go, I'm willing to take that risk.

How much, like, narrowed specifically, what's a buck or two and you go i'm willing to take that risk how much like narrowed specifically what's a buck or two was it like 70 bucks for a fucking you know laser eye surgery did he have equipment or is he did he break apart a a cd player and pointed at your eye that i that would i i have no idea the facts and figures i have to point this out to you but if how much would it alleviate the health care system if poor poorly trained people could practice as well as long as you were aware that they were poorly trained like every fucking handy man i don't know if i ever did a bit about this i knew i i tried to but we're a handyman it says uh not a licensed contractor on the side of his truck and you go all right that guy might be half-assed but you know that's what i'm wanting to pay for i just

want a deck outside with a little roof on it so i can watch the monsoons without getting rained on i don't care if it sinks into the fucking ground in 20 years i'll be dead so yeah not how about not a licensed ophthalmologist yeah and you go all right i i'd like laser eye surgery but i'm not gonna shell out a bunch of money do one eye first and like it's between me and him and it fucks up hey it says right on the side of my van. You've got a laser eye surgery out of a van. Yeah, but not a real doctor. I mean, I couldn't make it any more simple than that. Yeah.

Yeah. Flunked out of fucking sophomore year. They actually have those doctors in Los Angeles and New York. They're people that actually do work like in garages and New York. There are people that actually do work in garages and in bathrooms. I know, but it should be legal. No, it's certainly not legal. Well, it should be as long as you know what you're buying. Well, people die that way.

People fucking go to the hospitals because they get a splinter. That's true. Joan Rivers went to an outpatient surgery, and she ended up dying. Right. But I'm saying people go to the doctor for stuff they don't know how to do that you could go to a grandmother that's dealt with it before. So there's tweezers and iodine. But I don't know how to do it.

My eyesight is not good. I can't really see a splinter at my age. My son's crying, and it's bothersome. Are you going to go to the ER just because you have fucking health insurance? It's dog shit. It'll be tender. Put a tea bag on it. Exactly.

Yes. Fucking the mother's home remedies in real life in a mobile van that comes to your house. Like pioneer cigarettes. Pioneer science. Right. Yeah. They bring pizza like a delivery guy that does medicine it's like the walmart of delivery guys is an ice cream truck

and he brings like pink dot he'll bring you booze and cigarettes like a schwan's truck yeah and your and your amazon orders it's ups everything yeah it's you're on that is the next step no you're you're doing what is what is going to happen walmart is it's absolutely walmart has the optometrist it has the hairdresser it has that and now it's just going to be mobile and everything that's in walmart will be at in a van in front of your house they're they're doing it now doug i I love it. I love it! It's a courier service that they, it shows up on their phone because they're in the proximity of someone who's requesting something,

and then the first person who clicks it, like, I'll take that job because they're already speeding by on their 10 speed, and then they'll pick up the toilet paper and the Cherry Garcia. I'm sure there's a million things wrong with it, and I'm sure the emails and Twitters and Facebooks will become a light. But I never really saw the huge issue.

I know there are, and occasionally I watch a documentary, and you go, oh, that's why it's fucked. And then I forget it because I don't have to live with that on a daily basis. I just live with the convenience on a daily basis. So that's reinforced. But you go, oh, he's putting mom and pop shops out of business. Well, I don't really give a fuck where my tires come from. Like, is Jane and Eddie's tires?

They're tires. I don't think Jane and Eddie were really happy putting them on my fucking car by themselves rather than wearing the blue Walmart thing. There's some things you don't give a fuck about. And that's one of them. A million things at Walmart. You know, the Beckers, they used to have their, they used to go to the farmer's market and sell their own snake oil up there.

Yeah, yeah, the mosquito repellent. Yeah, mosquito repellent. And yeah, maybe Walmart put them out of business. And you know what? They'd probably be the first one to tell you, eh, probably good they did. That didn't work anyway. Yeah, it didn't work.

We just made it up. It was olive oil and lavender. I'm actually doing Becker with chewing tobacco in my mouth. Yeah, we just made it up. There's nothing more inefficient than going to Walmart to get something when you can go online and have it delivered by someone who's coming here anyway. Right.

Because they're going to your neighbor's house and then down the street and then over. It's sickening. But I love it. I wish I didn't buy as much shit as I did because I'm so into it. Oh, speaking of shit, before I forget, because I really want to make this short,

I'm so into the taxes, and I know it was a was a commercial for a minute but the taxes take me right back to uh this this is my new year's eve is when i'm doing taxes and i'm going through every fucking credit card and oh my god i've lost so many fucking credit cards in a year there's so many different fucking you went through a spat there. I've lost... Was it four in three weeks or three in four weeks? I just lost credit card... Like, I get a new one delivered FedEx

and lose it in the same day. Like, Jesus! And then we had to have it delivered to our third stop on the road. Oh, yeah. It came to the... It came... Showed up too late.

It's all so fucked up. But I sit there and I, all the shit I forgot that I did over a year, where if I was going to write like a year in review for my website, I would go, let me do my taxes. Let me wait till tax time. Oh, fuck, yeah. I remember that Pancake House Bar Candy Shop in Hilo, Hawaii. That was fucking day drinking with Roseanne.

We started at the Pancake House right by the airport, hit the bar, ended up at a candy shop, ended up other places really fucked up, but she picked up the later tabs. I remember the early ones. Yeah, a lot of shit we did. I did not see any place i might have torn my rotator cuff you know how to fix that rotator cuff trade in the tahoe because that's it that seems like they aggravated it you know what uh because i've always i've always said this, that I bet Google is, the internet is ultimate information.

The idea, I haven't worked it out into a bit yet, but the idea that education is still an issue. Like, you have all the knowledge there at your fingertips of your laptop. You need to learn something. You can just fucking Google it. You can search engine it and figure it out. I bet I could do, I couldn't do it on myself, but I bet you could do rotator cuff surgery the same way we made French 75s. I'm saying, I bet the information is available to you. That fuck, there's an Antarctic doctor.

None of this, I have not researched any of this. But there was a doctor in the Antarctic. A chick that had breast cancer and they're like, well, you're fucked because it's winter down there and there's no way we can get anyone in. They couldn't get any kind of support down there.

And it was like, there was a window of time like she gave herself a fucking lumpectomy on her own google it yeah can you get me google yeah yeah all you want all right i'll do it myself and she did it so if uh if anyone's out there and i'm not i'll have to be drunk for this but uh I'll have to be drunk for this, but maybe we try to try some back alley rotator cuff surgery. Sure. Or at least put the information together. It's an idea. We can cure bingo's retardation with that seizure CTE, chronic traumatic encephalitis that she has since she went to the doctor today. By the way, thank you, everyone who's waiting for bingo updates and telling me, oh, you should get her up to Tucson because it might be a slow bleed or it could also be that heath guy that's you heath thank you for that uh we brought her to the doctor the expedient bisbee health care professionals

down here the emergency room checks her out gives her the cat scan initially that first night last saturday yeah last week and uh they said uh, she's going to go to her primary care physician and they'll get her to a neurologist who can further diagnosis. She can't drive a car until a neurologist has signed off that she's all right. So it took a fucking week. We don't really have a primary care physician. We have a clinic at the foot of the street. And it took

her a week to get to the guy. And he's like, uh, so you what happened? And I, because bingo is still not really snappy. And I said, listen, they just sent us here as a primary care physician

to refer us to a neurologist. And he said, oh, okay, I can do that, but I just want to ask some questions. And so he asked some questions, and he said, I have no idea why. But I'll refer. The point is, it's going to be another at least a week. Did he say a week? It's a fucking week, andingo is like she's not here i'm telling her things three or four times a day and for people at home bingo's not sharp as a tack

all the time anyway and her memories dog shit so is mine but mine. But I'll tell her three or four times on the road when she's texting her friends at home. What state are we in? Three or four times a day. What state? But this is stuff that she should know. Friday the 13th, honey. It's Friday the 13th.

It just happened. Yeah. Really? Is it? Yeah, I know. We just talked about this waiting in the doctor's waiting room did we yeah no and then she just said is it saturday oh just now i wasn't even listening so uh yeah maybe we can uh figure out uh once my uh once i can throw a football 60 yards with my left arm,

then we're going to let whoever did that surgery via Google get into Bingo's head a bit. Now, I'm not a doctor like you, Doug, but the cuff, the rotator cuff, is that like where the- French cuff. French cuff 75? Is that where the bone, Like the ball goes into the socket Is that the cuff

She said that's I'm trying to remember The massage therapist Yep Said sounds like it's rotator cuff It's where one of the four muscles That fucking control your shoulder Detaches or something

That's a guess So if we do this in the fun house, we're not taking your arm off. Yeah, it's arthroscopic. I'm sure we can buy that shit on a Chinese website. I bet you can. Alibaba. Hang on.

Fucking this pisses me off too. How is it you can't get fucking the dentist's like polishing equipment that they have you have to pay $175 fucking dollars to go to a dentist and they go all those fucking coffee smoking stains are gone like that you can't buy one of those

you can get a fucking oral B or the you know whatever I have the Sonicare I was gonna say the iTunes the Sonicare but it has Sonicare. I was going to say the iTunes. The Sonicare. But it has nothing on that. Is there any reason that you couldn't use one of those teeth polishing things? You

need to be an expert? Fuck you, you scam artists. You pieces of shit. Dental technicians would take umbrage with that statement. Good. They know they're ripping you off. They're the only ones who would take umbrage with that statement. Oh, my God. Good. They know they're ripping you off. They're the only ones who would take umbrage. Someone tweeted me a picture of, I mentioned where Gretchen had the local dentist here.

Oh, yeah. That fucking lose a drill bit in her tooth that wasn't supposed to. And he sent me an x-ray. Same thing happened to me with the drill bit in the. Same guy? No, no, not the same guy with the drill bit in the same guy no no not the same guy i wish it was the same guy then we'd have uh yeah reason to come down upon him so what was that i just i'm lazy that's the only reason i go to that guy what was that guy's uh solution the guy who sent you

the picture oh it's twitter but what did he say don't talk solutions on 140 characters i thought maybe you're trying to figure out what the course of action was after that. No, I haven't, I haven't even talked to Gretchen to see what she came up with. As soon as she told me, I'm like, fuck that.

Well, burn his place down. You know, not, not literally have to remind folk, but I, yeah, I had that kind of gumption going into the project.

Cause, uh, yeah, he's creepy. And when I had problems, he's like, yeah, I don't really deal with that seems kind of simple i'll uh i'll recommend you to a guy uh no i'll go to mexico

well you know down there you know what down there is uh probably cleaner than your it turns out when i did go down there had a bunch of my back teeth yanked out of my head. Most of them. I don't miss them. But you look like a squirrel when you eat. You're chewing all the front side. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's why I try to eat alone. We'll be back after these messages. All right. You know what? Fuck this. Do a station ID. You know what? Fuck this.

Do a station ID. This message was brought to you by Doritos. What? No, your name, lady. Roseanne Barr and Doritos. Crunchy corn chips, bitch. And now a quick word from the sponsor of the word of the day. Hey, if you're looking for a dentist here in Flatwoods, Kentucky, I have the dentist for you.

It's Jesse Mark Porter, DDS on 2104 Agilite, conveniently located. If you want anywhere from just a regular cleaning all the way up to a full mouth of dental implants, Jesse May Porter is the DDS for you. It was the best move I've ever had. So call today and find out when you can get an appointment at 606-836-7228 and tell them the Doug Stanhope podcast sent you. Remember that Jesse Mark Porter DDS is ranked a perfect 3.7 out of 5 on healthgrade.com. on healthgrade.com. This ad was Doug Stanhope podcast approved. And the Doug Stanhope Tin Can Rehab podcast.

The word of the day today, and a lot of you probably know this word, but as I was searching through for a word of the day, oh, wait, there's another one, pugnacious. Did I just see pugnacious? It doesn't matter. Yeah, pugnacious. That's kind of in the same vein as the one that, I know this word, but I never use it.

And then when I saw it, I'm like, God damn it. I have to use that word all the time. I love that word. I forgot that word, but I never use it. And then when I saw it, I'm like, God damn it. I have to use that word all the time. I love that word. I forgot that word is a word. And it describes me for most of the rehab podcast days and most mornings of my life. Apoplectic. Do you know the word apoplectic? Oh, Jesus.

She went fucking apoplectic and almost trashed the entire fucking kitchen. Yes, I go apoplectic all the time. I fucking smash phones and computers. I smash things. I smash kitchenware, appliances. Things get smashed because I get apoplectic. App-p-o-p-lectic l-e-c-t-i-c apoplectic you're gonna go fucking apoplectic on me just do it outside go outside to do that i'm trying to study i've ever said that in my life i'm trying to study I don't know what I'm doing

I fucking punch you as shit I want to cry and hug someone I'm terrified of the Chaley's leaving And Brian Hennigan And his hard scrabble ways Scrabble or scrapple? Hard scrabble Hard scrabble ways Are't you gonna run to your

twitter machine and look that up tracy hard scrapple is it i don't know where's your thing somebody quick grab some electronic thing and talk into it that's what she does all the time but you're on the air and it's kind of time sensitive. And she just staring at the fucking mosquito killers. Talks off Mike. What is a giant mosquito? Is that not what everyone says? Oh, that's a male mosquito.

They don't bite. And they're telling me, oh, that's a mosquito killer. It looks exactly like a giant mosquito. She's going to keep talking off Mike. I have to cut it. So this wouldn't even be in there.

I'm talking over her, whatever it is. I'm not going to ask my people anymore. gifts today gifts uh what did we get that probably just sounded like a bad edit it sounded or like i'm not gonna talk about gifts let's go okay queuing music or something i'll put something in gifts no donifts, gifts. Here come the gifts. It was a slow day on gifts. That lady, some girl that we talked to via Skype on New Year's Eve. I think she was in the UK or something. I don't know.

Ireland. Maybe she was Irish. She sang us a song and all our hearts melted. And she sent us a recyclable bag. You know, because of the plastic bag. Oh, that's the inside joke. Lion face. Is that the.

I honestly, it's very cool. Yeah, I didn't remember. Take it to Saturday Market. Bingo had to. Oh, the lion face on the bag. Oh, I thought you meant the girl. She was in lion face. I don't remember the girl singing.

That's a noble compliment. I remember a girl singing and everyone's like, oh, this is going to suck. And then you're like, oh, geez, it didn't suck. Oh, wow. Sometimes maybe it wasn't great. Maybe it was okay. But when you're so ready for suck, I think she was great, actually. Either way, she sent some CDs.

So now we'll know. Maybe we complimented her when we were drunk and going oh fuck you know when you tell an open mic or he's great because you just caught one of his jokes when you're walking through the room and you go oh fuck that's wicked funny and then you go to the bar where you were on your way to anyway and you never see another word of his set because you're trying to get a you know a a gin fizz that's not how chaley makes it listen and the groaning has and then you see him after setting you're like oh that's the guy with the overalls and the fucking big haystacks calhoun beard so yeah i remember him i'll go hey you're wicked funny and then you find out that he stinks shit and that was one accidental joke and you even misheard it so you put your own punch line in it that he didn't even

have you sweetened it yeah and uh then you go oh fuck i told him he's great he's gonna do this for another year wow you know what hold on a a second. I just noticed the fucking, whatever the seam line on those pajamas fucking match up beautifully. That is the smartest pair of pajamas I've ever seen. We go to Sierra Vista. We go on the road. We go to thrift stores wherever we can find them high and low. We

go to Iron Range towns up in Wisconsin, the UP and northern Michigan, where you think you're going to find all the best stuff. And sometimes the best thing you find is right here at home. And I don't know the name of the shop. I'm embarrassed to say I don't know the name of the shop that we went to in Old Bisbee. But after we'd beaten through the two thrift stores we have that are pretty thin to say that. Half the stuff's yours. I go, hey, you know what? I forget there's that vintage shop. A little pricey for thrift, vintage.

You can find some stuff. I forget. No, no. For vintage, it's not bad. It's way high thrift, vintage. You can find some stuff. But I forget. No, no. For vintage, it's not bad. It's way high thrift, low vintage. And I forget that it exists, which is good because they don't rotate stock a lot. It's old Bisbee.

So if you go once a year, you're like, oh, it's all new shit to me. And yeah, we scored. I scored two pairs of fucking old Sears pajamas from the 70s. And I'm wearing them with pride. I don't fucking have to be on stage to wear great stupid shit. No one has to see me.

Look at the way that lines up. Just look down. You probably haven't. It's fucking poetic. It goes with orange shoes. I got the orange Skechers. I don't wear any sneakers since I was in grade school. I haven't,

or high school. I haven't worn sneakers that were not Chuck Taylor's till I found, till Alco was going out of business. And I got these for 70% off because I bought too soon. Didn't know they'd go up to 95. And then I was free. If you bought 10 items, there weren't any shoes left at that point.

Maybe I got them right before they were sold out, but they're bright, like cautionary orange. I love orange, but not that there's a specific type of orange and it's not, you know, a construction cone orange, which these shoes are.

They're a hunter construction cone, ugly glow in the-the-dark orange. But these pajamas have orange highlights that fucking make the sneakers not ridiculous. And where else are you going to find that for $22? The sneakers really pull the look together. I fucking... The sneakers are probably less than the PJs, but they're like brand new PJs from 1971.

Yeah, I want to fucking die just dressed up as the same kid I was when I was four with all the same toys around me. Like, where do you find a G.I. Joe at Kung Fu Grip and the and the the the repelling fucking thing? You know, the G.I. Joe and Kung Fu Grip and the repelling fucking thing.

You know? The G.I. Joe. What is it? The repelling hook? Grappling hook. Grappling hook. Yeah. Yeah.

The G.I. Joe. I'm going to have that in my hand. The grappling hook all spent out. Doug, that won't support your body weight. Shut up. I'm dying. I'm dying. He's got a thing for vintage.

Akin to saying he's on his way back down. I'm going to go. Remember Flatwoods, Kentucky. Go see Jesse Mark Porter. DDS. Mention the show. Apoplectic. Gifts.

Oh, wait. Fucking gifts. Hang on. Hang on. I'm not done. I'm not done. I knew I had something else. A fucking guy.

I don't know. I had this shit right here. He sent this. I fucking hate this. Oh, you sent a plastic jug vodka. No wonder I wouldn't notice it right in front of my face. There's always a jug in front of my face. Oh, I've never seen that.

Kharkov. Yeah. Some guy. He said, I've never seen that. Kharkov. Yeah, some guy. He said, I'm drunk right now. I think he was drunk when he sent it. Sent a plastic jug, and he sent that stupid T-shirt with the... It's got a huge dick where you tuck your T-shirt into your pants. The dick will be coming up over your belly button on the T-shirt, dick will be coming up over your belly button on the t-shirt,

which would be hilarious. If anyone tucked in their t-shirt other than your dad, actually, that would be funny. Your dad, if you're, if you had a guy, a portly guy, you know,

the, the guys like my dad would had the, the, the, the pants at Sands about a pie up over his belly button. And then there was, so there was a pocket of air between where it kind of camel toed him. Yeah.

Yeah. It was stretched taught at the, at the belly, the bloat belly. Yeah. Then there's a lot of that hip groin yield area. That's just air pockets. Yeah.

So yeah. On a guy like that, Hinty, Arthur Hinty, that's going to look funny with the penis sticking out because he's 63 years old and gray-haired and he's a big, you know, goddammit. I had the big word for a thing.

Now I can't even think of the small word for the thing. No, the thing that crashed the Hindenburg. The Hindenburg is a dirigible. A dirigible. That's the one. A Zeppelin. That's the big word I was looking for. And then I couldn't even think of the other word, which I still can't think of, is a blimp.

Thank you. You were going to go with pedestrian blimp? Oh, yeah. And you could have said, oh, I was going for dirigible. Okay. Go ahead. Keep mispronouncing it. It's funny.

And then I couldn't get blimp. I go, oh, there's a big word for, oh, fuck. Looking for the big word. See Goodyear? It doesn't help. Yeah. It's like when you're going to bank a shot. I'm going to go cross side.

And then you decided at the last minute, I'm just going to try to go straight in. And now you fucked yourself. You're thinking both at the same time. Oh yeah bad news right there that's how you lose a thousand dollars so yeah he sent that and he sent the stupid thing and then uh some tape but he sent also he did say oh it's a fucking stupid movie horrible movie i love the fact that you didn't open this because this and i do this i I do this at the supermarket at Safeway. I'm waiting to get hollered at. By the way, holler at me at Safeway because I'm doing my taxes.

And one of my fun parts of doing taxes is looking at the exact amount of money I spent at fucking Safeway in a year. Go ahead. Holler at me for doing this. Go ahead, holler at me for doing this. But it started with this guy sent the movie of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, which is like the biggest douchebag. I failed miserably not being alert enough to just sabotage, turn my back on. I took the fucking money and I walked away from Joe joe shithead joe francis from girls got wild but this guy's like a like i want to say fake almost in a good way joe francis

the max tucker guy he's uh like he's just he these books are as bad as fucking Chelsea Handler books. And they're in every airport. When you're proudly pronounced at every airport fucking bookstore, you know it's a piece of shit. And when it's like, I hope they serve beer in hell. And assholes finish first. Look, I said asshole, write the fucking title. Look at me. I'm the fucking.

That's where I started turning books around. Like stupid, offensive books, like offensive to any intellect. Just dumb. Frat boy shit. The only reason I even bite at. All right. Don't say faggot because of todd glass all right it's just because of todd glass and then you go the only reason i give you like i'd argue with

you and even todd glass is some of it i go all right he's pushing this too much on some level but it's because of guys like this i all right If that's what you're against is guys like this making you feel like shit. I'll tone it down in public. I'm still going all bat shit, chink, nigger, faggot, retarded home and the fucking privacy of my own home. Because, you know, you know, I don't fucking mean it like Todd Glass. OK, I understand you don't want to encourage idiots. And I do have a lot of idiots as fans. So yeah, maybe I, I remember having a punchline at one point for a bit about kids and how kids

are awful. And like one of the beats was they do horrible shit. They putting a firecracker in a dog's ass. And I go, I don't even want that to exist that someone could even think of that and then do it. Like I, just having that out there. And I like that, that was a moment of self-censorship where you go, all right,

just to, yeah. Don't even want to pull it back a little. Right. But yeah, this guy's just, he's just a fucking dog. She's one of these low-hanging testosterone.

People look up to him because, oh, I hope I can get pussy like that too. Yeah, fuck her, dude. Just fuck that girl. She's just such an imbecile. Anyone could write that. Literally any Derek fucking Reverend Derek could write that shit. So, so yeah, that's where I learned to just turn books over.

I'm in the airports fucking a thousand times a year. I can tell you exactly how many according to my taxes. And every time i see a book like that i just take a good book i turn it around so it doesn't you don't no one sees i hope they serve beer in hell assholes finish they don't nothing draws them to it because it's turned around backwards and then you take a nature book or something that they should read and i put that in front of it and And I do that to all the books. I have fucking a three-hour layover.

I'm doing that the entire thing. So no one ever fucking sees the book. And you think the lady that works at Hudson's, how do you know it's Hudson's? Because they own the fucking airports everywhere you go. Do you mean Hudson News? Yeah. I remember the first time I saw you do that.

We were going to our gate, and I saw you oh what's he doing and i thought you were going to get a book i'm like why is he grabbing that book and then you grabbed every book like it was a one of these like uh point of sale like out and out in the out where everyone walks by and you did every single one of them. And I'm like, is he going to buy one of them? And then we just, all right, let's go. It was like straight to the gate. It was like, oh, well, that was just very fucking weird. Yeah, if you do that in an airport, just do the hashtag you know who.

Oh, no, actually, because it's not just that guy's books. There's a million. No, pick your own. Yeah, there's a million bad like everything in an airport is bad, especially if it's been there for years. But when it's like offensively bad like that,

I can't tell you. We'll come up with a hashtag. I think a book turner. That doesn't matter. Just do it. You come up with it. Just do it. Just do it and fucking text me. Just don't include their name because you don't want...

I hated saying this guy's fucking name on my show. But the hashtag needs to be generic. Right? Anyway, the point is next time you're in an airport, I do this at, that's what I was going to say. Getting back to, I,

uh, at the, at Safeway now here in Bisbee and they have to know someone's doing it every day. Cause I honestly, especially now I've been going to Safeway as many as four times in a day just to go somewhere. And,

uh, I, when I'm in line, I take tabloid shit I don't tolerate. So I take the Arizona highways, and I get a beautiful picture of nature on the front, and I put it in front of every National Enquirer star, people, everything. Don't call me fat, says Kelly Clarkson. No, no, cupcakes.

There's cupcakes on a fucking nice recipe magazine so when you're sitting in line at the grocery store anytime there's something offensive you can just yeah change it change what you're looking at uh yeah yeah be the change you have no fucking point of interest there's a better homes kill the clickbait How about that Hashtag kill the clickbait And They have to know it's me But I fucking spent so much money in there And everyone knows

I know the bag boys I know fucking Fredo I know Penny I know everybody I'm gonna have to stop stealing Because I going to admit that I've been stealing a lot. What? Just this week. What?

What I do is I hate. Hold on. No, no. It's just the USA Today. Oh. It's $2. It's only during the fucking rehab that I even get usa today because i want to get my news out of a newspaper like the old you're up early i don't want to sit on the fucking computer it's

as bad as the tv i've not watched tv in 25 fucking days is it i can't wait to get caught up on my programs so yeah i like to and it's they jumped the usa today up to two dollars we're comics we get that free because we stay at hampton ends and fucking marriott's and every hotel sticks that shit under your door like here's a bonus and you go okay if it's football season it's great it's i like the usa today there's a comfort value after a quarter of a century on the road there's a comfort value inherently so the usa today but two dollars fuck you you're not that good and everyone already read Quarter of a century on the road. There's a comfort value inherently. So the USA Today, but $2? Fuck you. You're not that good.

And everyone already read it on Newser yesterday. So then I get the local paper too, which I respect. Not the Bisbee Observer. Not the local local, but the one that's Sierra Vista and Bisbee. The Bisbee Daily Review. They have a different name for both the same paper so i did buy the local one and i put the usa today i do it right on the fucking right on the the the ramp what do you call the guy why can't i think of words the belt they just take it openly so if

anyone's looking they see me openly stuff the usa today inside the local paper and then hand it to my girl and they scan it and they don't fucking know they're not they're talking about how's bingo's eye is she okay and then i said so yeah i've stolen like uh eight dollars worth of usa today's from you this week and i don't apologize because know, you give me a bad beat on that fucking thing where just to get the good discount, you have to now be online and scan your phone to get some of those good discounts. Like, I don't know how to do that shit.

Fuck you, Safeway. Fucking five-figure income just for me. Go ahead. Talk to me about these goddamn USA Todays. Go silently missing. Alright, so that's yeah. Yeah, I've been stealing. I feel like everyone in the room turned on me

because I stole some USA Todays. I just never thought I'd see the day. Alright. I mean, we steal stuff from hotel rooms all the time, but we paid for that room. Yeah. Hey, yeah, I was gonna throw that ice bucket. time, but we paid for that room. Yeah. Hey, yeah, I was going to throw that ice bucket. Hey, Hyatt Place, at Hyatt Place, those fucking green ice buckets. I stole the shit out of those, but I tried to buy them from you first.

Hey, how about those fucking, that's a wicked cool ice bucket. I wish I could tweet this right now, but no one's listening right now because it's Friday night and this is going to tape and everyone doesn't listen on the weekends. That's why we're going to play this song to close out tonight. We're going straight into it. I was going to say, that's the worst ice bucket I've ever used. It's cool looking, though. It's a cool green. And I called down to the front desk.

I go, hey, can we buy this ice bucket? Because I really know. But can I get it online? No, I don't think so. OK, then I fucking stole it. And I stole another one once the first one got scuffed up. They're both horrible. What's wrong with it? Look at it right now.

We've been out here like less than an hour and a half. There's melted water in there. Or there's water in there. It's melted ice. It's because we've been drinking like fish. No. Oh, really? No.

It melts? It melts. It's not a very insulating vessel. All right. Well, it's cool looking. We never use it. Yes, it's cool looking. It's cool looking. Yes, it's cool looking. All right. Hey, don't let me forget to say that you're leaving. So there will be no shipping for two weeks. You can order shit.

But. But you won't get it till you get back on the first of April. April fools, you got your shit. I've been emailing for two weeks. Where's my shit? April Fools, it's at your door. Alright, here's the song of the day, because I love this song, and I know you won't, but I thought it was important to put it in, because if you were at my house,

here's some of the shit I learned when I lived in a small cabin in Crouch, Idaho, in a town of 400 people, and all I had was their jukebox. And a lot of it rubbed off on me. This is from my memory of 1989. It's probably older than that, obviously. It's Alabama with Song of the South.

Suck it, weekend non-listeners. I shut my mouth. They ought to get a rich man to vote like that Sing it Song, song of the south Sweep a dead fly and I shut my mouth Gone, gone with the wind There ain't nobody looking back again Well, somebody told us Wall Street fell But we were so poor that we couldn't tell Hotton was short and the weeds were tall But Mr. Roosevelt was gonna save us all Well, mama got sick

and daddy got down The county got the farm and they moved to town. Papa got a job with the TVA. He bought a washing machine and then a Chevrolet Sing it Song, song of the South. Sweet potato pie

and I shut my mouth Gone, gone with the wind, there ain't nobody looking back again. Singin' Song, song of the south Sweet potato pie and I shut my mouth Gone, gone with the wind Ain't nobody lookin' back again Song, song of the south Gone, gone with the wind Song, song of the south

Song, song of the south Sing it Song, song of the south See you next time. Bye.