The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 28 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 17, 2015

DAY 28A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. Doug buys another car and invents a drink of his very own.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 16, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Mr. Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan). Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Lowell Americana Music Festival - http://www.americanamusicfestusa.com/home.html Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Pretty Boys” by Joe Jackson. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right. And like, like you said, make sure you get those brackets filled out and get them emailed to us on that Facebook page by the first kickoff of the first game for the March Madness because that's the Doug Stanhope Podcast 1K giveaway. We're giving away $100,000 guaranteed to the person that knocks it out of the park or gets closest to it.

So make sure you follow those directions to the tee. The person that knocks it out of the park or gets closest to it. So make sure you follow those directions to the T. And now back to the podcast. Already in progress, in question. Fuck. Before I forget, the Americana Music Festival here in Bisbee. The first Americana Music Festival. And maybe the only one because they don't need that much money to finish the fucking thing in bisbee there's a street it's a they call it

lowell there's a million little towns in bisbee from back in the mining days that every little area of town has a different name lowell is a the town that's a hundred yards long 200 yards at best yeah it's a it's a lovely street but it's all done up like they've invested so much like old-timey money into it like these dudes not yeah not corporate invest no just yeah dudes like oh fuck they like old texaco signs they have the whole street is now half lined with old time 40s, 50s cars. They have old gas pumps. They're just making, and no one knows that Bisbee. You would never know it exists unless someone told you.

It's right after the pit. If you go past old Bisbee down the hill. It's very distinct from hippie, gulch Bisbee. Right. And it's one street. That's it. It's 200 yards yards long yes at best yeah and they're doing a to finish the restoration of the street it's so fucking cool they're doing this uh americana music fest that goes uh from saturday march 21st tucson come on down yeah fucking you know Josiah and the fucking guys.

I know if you need a place to crash, you got it. If I know you. Yeah. It's organized by the guy behind it, Brett, who's married to the hot Scottish chick. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean. Yeah. So that's Saturday, March 21st, 2015.

In case you're getting this way in the future. And it goes from noon to nine and yeah, we're going to hang out. I'll be sprung from the fucking rehab. There's got three more podcasts, two more nights and no bottle will be safe. Feel pretty good. I don't feel fantastic, but I do feel

the first week or so, maybe up to the first week roughly I'd wake up and I'd feel incredible because I was not like pounding, bloated head, shit faced. No, the smoking hack disappeared in the first three, four days. I woke up feeling fantastic and now I'm back down to feeling like the shit that I should feel like just for being at my age and pretty shitty shape. But the, I want to ask you the smoking thing. Did you, you're basically saying that within a week you felt okay.

Within a week, an immediate benefit. You actually, the first day of you wake up mornings, mornings are fantastic. So the smoking, if you can do it. No, just morning. You still want to, and I'm not a morning smoker.

Right. I get some coffee. You're not, you're not actually. No, I, so I would feel great. And as the day progresses. Yeah. One of the things I have a list I've been making of things that i've learned in the 30 days in the hole in the tin can rehab when does that list come out i figured the last day i'd just riff you know the things i've been writing down but one one of them is the difference

between want and need very good there's cigarettes that i fucking need and uh you know panic cigarettes hopefully i'll get past i've gotten past it before but yeah i want a cigarette right now a cigarette would be lovely if someone came in smoking a cigarette i go ah that looks fucking good and so would you know uh lump fish caviar and shaved red roast beef, whatever. But fucking needing like, oh, shit, like panic cigarettes. Yeah, that's a whole different story. And that was why I always said the key is allow yourself that cigarette that's going to make you, oh, fuck, this is bullshit. I need a fucking cigarette.

Then smoke a cigarette. There's a very interesting book that I've been reading about willpower. And the whole thing is based on clinical studies. It's not all like, hey, this is the secret of willpower. And the best chapter in it, I fucked up, I can't remember the name of the title. We can get the title, okay?

But here's the thing. The best chapter in it i have fucked up remember the name of the time we can get the title okay but here's the thing the best chapter in it this chap who teaches about willpower and i think it is at stanford no you know what don't even fret about who wrote it yeah just act like it's your idea and just say it as though what i've always found in my clinical studies all right okay well i've always found in my own clinical studies and as, and I agree with this chap who said that the area he got most pushback on was the area of being your own master. And that everybody who's trying to do something,

trying to use their willpower to accomplish something, always has an instinctive thing that says, if I fail or fall off the wagon or whatever you call it, I have to punish myself because of that. I have to be really hard on myself to compensate for that. And he did clinical studies where they were able to isolate the individual elements within that decision-making. And he says it is conclusively proved that is the wrong thing to do. The correct thing to do when you fall off the wagon,

so to speak, is basically to say, ah, fucked up. I won't do it again. And that, because, and he says every single time that that you have

that mindset of oh fuck i fucked up i won't do it again you that your your long-term goal is always more successful it's uh i i look at it in that if I do, even if I just went fuck everything, if I found out I had terminal cancer tomorrow, I'd just start smoking. But I'd go, at least I feel better having taken 30 days off. I feel fucking way better. Yeah. We played tennis today. I lost miserably, but I bought new rackets.

It wasn't miserable. I started getting my... Yeah. Yeah, and again, the last game lasted longer than all the other games combined. Fucking that deuce, like back to deuce run. Yeah. That was longer.

And then I won that. I thought we were starting a new match. I didn't even realize. Oh, fuck. It was a 5-1. I thought I've got skunked 6-0. Feeling good is its own reward. You know, it's nice.

Right. And I really enjoy the fuck out of the rehab. We should back up and say that we just did this podcast and we did 48 minutes and it didn't fucking record. So there's a lot of this shit we've already

said before and we're trying to recreate that. Yeah, it's like the Matrix. And I don't really remember what we said because we were saying it at the time. I know, but it was, again, it doesn't really matter. Those days are gone now. Those days are over and now we're

drinking Sherry's Berries, people. Oh, wait. Isn't that an advertisement? Not with us. No one will fucking sponsor us. No one wants any part of us. So what did I do last night?

After we did get shit-faced last night, I will recount the tale. After we got done, we had a very sober podcast last night. I felt strong. Like, you know, let's kill this while it's still alive, and we'll run amok tomorrow. And then afterwards, well, there was still a little bit more of that drink and the thing, and we'll almost make two. Bingo, make a couple more of these.

And she made a little too much the second time. Then I started looking. Bingo does make strong cocktails. Yeah, she does. And that's how she likes them. And that's why she's picking at her stitches right now. So I'm looking at this field of liqueurs that we've bought just because some old-fashioned recipe calls for a dash or a shot or a splash of the thing. So like the Cointreau and

the Baron Jaeger that some guys sell. I'm just reading the ones I can see. Baron Jaeger. It's a honey infused bourbon. It's terrible. It's fucking awful. That won't mix well with anything. I came up with

and here's the Shari's Berry. Shari's Berry is one part dark rum. We used Myers. Use whatever you want. Any recipe that specifies the brand is bullshit recipe put out by the fucking maker, but we did use Myers and it was good. Yes.

With blackberry brandy. One part Myers with half part blackberry brandy and half part Godiva white chocolate liqueur. Yeah. It's a fucking. Yeah. Berry white chocolate. Sherry's berries with the dark rum. It was fucking beautiful and all booze.

It was a monster drink. I don't have a fucking Godiva white chocolate liqueur, you fucking pole smoker. Well, then you can use, because this is how we figured it out. We tried a bunch of different recipes, and that's how we got fucked up. We tried, instead of white chocolate liqueur, creamed a cacao and half and half, gives it the same creaminess

the white fucking creamy chocolate with the fucking blackberry and the dark rum. Oh, it's gorgeous. Yeah, but that's kind of, that's what you do. That's how you'd make it if you were living in North Korea. If you actually had access to the white fucking Godiva,

that's what you fucking want. It's a fucking, and you know what? It's cheaper than a box of Sherry's fucking berries, I'll tell you that. My fans are single. My fans are lonely dudes. Who are they buying fucking Sherry's berries for? Themselves?

They're going to sit there with their fat gut over their tighty-whities and a fishing pole, and they zing up the berry with the fucking chocolate, and they lower it back down into their own mouth. Can you picture that? He's on his back like a turtle in his tighty-whities in his twin-size bed. It's a race car bed. Let's just go with a race car bed.

He drug down the stairs, and it hit every stair on the way out of his mother's house, and she chucked him out, and he drug it to his bachelor apartment. And now he's got a fishing rod with a Sherry's Berry. He bought it because Howard Stern and Bill Burrow, they all get, they advertise as Sherry's Berries,

but I don't have any when I'm around. Well, you know what? Fuck them. Fuck those. Fuck sponsors. Fuck Sherry's Berries. You drink a Sherry's Berry. Yeah.

And what was the sherry's berry again it's dark rum one one part if you don't know how parts work you just grab all three bottles and pour them into a bucket anyway the point is uh you know one part dark rum one half part blackberry brandy one half part godiva white chocolate or anything that's white and chocolatey. And if you mix it up in a fairly well-washed glass, it can look magnanimous and joyful through the sunset. Yeah. What if Sherry comes crawling to me now going, it's all the rage. This is the flaming mo of fucking cocktails that are animated the flaming mo yeah and uh i want to buy that from you i'll go fuck

you sherry you should have come to me when i was nobody yeah i was just an upstart weakling podcast before i had steam and stamina and i made a sherry's berry for you and you fucking you don't even care maybe if you'd be on terrestrial radio we're gonna be shit-faced again this is gonna be two nights in a row i know it's antithesis to the rehab process but last night we you just showed up in town we're getting towards the end of this thing it's hard to take it seriously you're laying in a fucking trailer going my bed's this like i can see the light from where my bed is if i look that way i can see the light of the house and there's no reason no one gives a fuck that i'm in a trailer

this is some self-imposed silly thing and now we're at the end of it no one gives a fuck if i'm actually i know but it's good that you are it is i think it is yeah it shows a kind of religious zeal and the problem with religious zeal and it's is that it's all the religious people that have it well when i this was that fucking night a couple nights ago where i just couldn't sleep at all now i'm gonna take downers tomorrow we might wake up and podcast early. Wait, wait, wait. You've not been taking downers? Not all the time, no. But most of the time, I've been tired anyway. I have been exercising a lot.

I've been taking those fucking dogs on monster hikes. We did that shooting range hike. Wow. You go all the way down Black Knob, and you hit that horse trail, and then you go all the way back behind the shooting range, and then I got fucking lost. The dogs, one of which is leaving you. Oh, yeah.

What the fuck? This is serious, people. I know I was goofing on this a bunch during this month. That's almost month. It's been fucking day 28 as far as they're concerned. It's day 29 for me. 28 days is four weeks. It's a fucking month.

Go ahead. Oh, bingo. Help that guy out with a cocktail. 28 days is four weeks. It's a fucking month. Go ahead. Bingo. Help that guy out with a cocktail. I think there might be juice. I drained the rest of the juice. He said he had beer. It's the Sherry's Berries. I can't get enough. Oh, the Sherry's Berries.

There's still some in that thing. Is there? No? Alright. The dog, Henry Phillips, I've explained how the dog now the dog at first she'd leave me for even workers like all right shawnee's building the metal palm trees and she'll just sit at his feet yeah the sparks coming off the metal palm trees when he's welding them and they're landing on her and she doesn't care and they go all right she just likes new people but ever since brett erickson moved in down there with the dog yeah she wants to go down with i assume it's the dog well no the dog's not there this is the chaley she just wants to be out of this fucking house

she doesn't want to be around me i'll'll go, Henry, come. She won't. She'll go to the fucking door of the guest house. Come here. I have snacks. I have pork. I'm the fucking, I'm your creepy uncle. Yeah. Not like that.

No, I'm the one that lets you eat candy for breakfast. Yeah. I'm the fucking worst dog. She can come in and look at me weird. I give her half my fucking breakfast. Who has a dog that's ever gone, I'm just not that into you,

is the fucking hackneyed one. I'm just not. I know that you give me fucking meat. And you saved me and all these things. Again, Henry Phillips stayed with me in the little house last night because she came to the door at fucking midnight after we were all shit-faced,

scraping on it like a fucking refugee. Like, help me out. This is a guest house that's like 260 square feet. Yeah. She'd rather be in there than be in this fucking main house, which is not big. It's 900 and something square feet, but it's got a dog door, so she can walk all over the four lots. No, she'd rather be stuck away from me.

Who has a dog that they rescued to leave them without you beating them or anything? No. She's just not. Thank you. She's always not really liked me. And now that she has options since everyone's been staying here she just wants to fucking get away from you but maybe she's an inherent stoic maybe there's something about the way you've indulged her there's a certain aspect in her brain is like no i want to be treated badly they say that uh when they like have leftovers down

there yeah at black knob the chalice she she can't be bothered that's kind of stoic i i i want to blame ichabod oh yeah like she they have a fucking issue i i would love to know how dogs think but then you go wait this dog fucking hates me what if she's like mean tweeting me in her head and she's thinking exactly what i think about myself at me to second the vote and went yeah yeah you're actually a fucking fraud fake loser and you yeah you're a legend in your own mind and i'm not i don't want to be part of it or maybe she's like uh maybe she was a puppy that was abused by what do you call that? Like intervention, right?

You know, I'm not going to be part of your self-immolation. Oh. You know what? If this is what you want to do, yeah. You know what? Rehab is not two drinks a night, sir. I'm going to go to the neighbors. That's interesting because you're only really,

I mean, it's all started with with the rehab the adult maybe that should be a war no it's always been really but now that i've been able to see her scratch at the fucking that's because you're sober more you can get to the other house for months like the bretchels were here from november on i came home to them here and the fucking dogs living down there, see you later. But remember me? I'm like, no, no. People that'll take me in.

Maybe a fucking whiskey girl in nowhere, man, would have taken a dog. She'd have left me years ago. Maybe she didn't. That's why they're not with us anymore. You fucking write that in your checkbook and cash it, Henry Phillips. Yeah, canine darkness.

Okay, right. So what else we got? I lost at tennis. You lost at tennis, but you won at life. Okay, keep going. Oh, fuck. I bought a car. I bought another car today.

Two cars, one rehab. Boom. Eat it. Dr. Drew, I know you're going to say, well, you know what? He's just taking one addiction and trading it in for another, and he likes to buy cars. Yeah. Well, I'm selling a car, too. He likes to buy and sell cars.

You know what? Sometimes he likes to trade one addiction in for another. He likes to smoke cigarettes, and that's a deadly addiction, and drink alcohol, but he likes to uh uh smoke cigarettes and that's a deadly addiction and drink alcohol but he likes to import and export as well and so he's obviously trading in no no it's just a fucking by the way that's an interesting point why would you never describe somebody who seeks relentless economic success as an addict absolute addict you know like what hey hey richard branson uh what is this they're just being addicted to success why can't you just calm down right yeah watch a fucking tv show yeah but

they you're you're you're specifically addicted to the purchasing of white chevrolets oh yeah this was a uh i wanted a pickup truck Bingo used to have a pickup truck, but it was a stick. And then fucking no one wants to drive a stick. Yeah. When you don't have to. I mean, in the UK, you pass your test on a stick,

and most things are sticks. But once you come over here, you never turn back. It's like I ain't driving a fucking stick. There was a girl we used to bang named Leanne Stutz. She was a Texan. You used to bang. We, like, no, there was a couple others.

No, not me. I think it was Rob Rock. He doesn't go by that anymore, but he was Rob Rock back in open mic days in Las Vegas. I think he was the other guy. There was a couple of us. She was a chinless, nice girl, and she had a stick shift, and that's the only reason I learned how to drive stick.

I was terrified of even learning. At 24 years old, my car shit the bed, and I had to get to these open mics. And she was the girl that she was fucking everybody, and she had a stick shift. I remember this girl. This was the same girl. Oh, fuck. she had a stick shift. I remember this girl. This was the same girl. Oh fuck. This is a great memory. She had an abusive boyfriend and he had like broken into,

this was right when caller ID first came out or not. Not Carl caller ID star 69. This is before you were in this country. I remember star 69. Did they have that? Yes. Okay. So you would star 69. Someone called you and it would tell you were in this country. Oh, I know. I remember star 69. Do they have that in Scotland? Okay. So you would star 69.

Someone called you and it would tell you the number. Yes. So I'm out with her and how did it fucking work? Because this is before cell phones. Do you ever have these memories where you're like, you're trying to imagine what the mechanic was? It must have been a pay phone or something. Or it must have been at my phone or yes or it must have been

at my house or maybe it was her work whatever it was we star 69 to call and it came from her number while i'm with her like we're not at your house yeah it must she must have been at my apartment with mikey grace however it worked we went to her house and she's like uh we called the cops because she had this abusive ex-boyfriend that had been threatening her. I remember the story. All right. And by the way, folks, there'll be an announcement about this story soon. All right.

Teaser. So we go back to the apartment. We call the cops. I'm like, no, the cops aren't here yet. We're there waiting for the cops. And she's like, I'm going in. I'm like, no, you aren't here yet we're there waiting for the cops and she's like i'm going in i'm like no you can't go can't go in i think we had a baseball bat or some fuck leanne stutz i would we gotta google her oh no she's a texan yeah we know we've done this

oh have we yeah i'm sure i've done a million things drunk. And yeah, so she goes in there. He's in there with a fucking nine millimeter. Whoa. And then the fucking cops show up and then she won't press charges. Because why would you? Yeah. You're sitting in there with a fucking nine millimeter. I know. Well, he's not like he's just like he's the guy.

And yeah, fuck you. No way. Is that you? You wanted me to go with you yeah yeah so yeah that was what was my point when this fucking Leanne Stutz memory came up god damn it do you remember what

I was talking about everyone it's I know if you're like me you're screaming at your car fucking radio you were talking about the stick shift oh so yeah I get this pick. Remember this story. If you haven't heard, if you're just catching up on this podcast,

I'll tell you there's three or four that are worthwhile. But one was the fun one was when I bought that Mazda a few weeks. I tried to buy the Mazda. No, you did buy it. But the point of the point was you're trying to just buy it. How quickly can we get the fuck out? I want to buy a car, but the whole process of buying a car is like waiting in an emergency room waiting room. You're just sitting there going, I want the big payoff, but no doctor's coming to tell me if it's dead or alive.

You know what that reminds me of? Two hours, 40 minutes to buy the Mazda. And then today I saw the fucking Chevy pickup truck, little one, S10, 2,000, 260,000 miles on it.

And I go, I was waiting, I was looking for one more beater car car because we have to sell the caddy. Hey, if you're out there, you're paying attention. Bingo. You know that Cadillac we bought last June? That 1970 Cadillac DeVille convertible?

It's gorgeous. Yeah, we're getting rid of that fucking thing. Because Bingo is a girl that needs to have toys that can get rained on and she can forget to put the top up a classic car it's work you're gonna i can pay attention bingo needs a gopro car yeah we we found this uh yellow it was turned out to be ed smith's on uh craigslist it was a yellow pt cruiser with which we both abhor pt cruisers but it was a convertible and it was yellow and i go that's almost stupid enough to be funny by the way pt cruisers are kind of piece of shit however i

once had the occasion for one of the desert parties when i was wasn't living here yet, I rented a convertible PT Cruiser, one of the best convertibles I've ever been in touch with. They are fantastic convertibles. Unlike most convertibles, the back seats are actually functional. The wind protection is magnificent. It's a brilliant drive. That's the conclusion.

Well, it was already sold. Yes. Boy, it was Ed Smith. I just sold it to a friend. I'm like, motherfucker. Motherfucker. Ed fucking Smith. So, yeah.

So instead, all right, this is going to be our beater, is this truck. I went down versus two hours and 40 minutes in Tucson. Does not include the two-hour drive to tucson and then the two hours back that's very true almost seven hours to buy a brand new car without bartering etc i just like all right just give me the fucking thing fuck me over how do i write a check how do we get out of here with a car so this car i see it it's at the turn uh roundabout uh the rotary we called them in massachusetts the rotary the fucking fucking turn around about the traffic circle. There's a Chevron, and they always have a few used cars in there.

And I saw this fucking white pickup truck. I'd love that. Call the guy. Go down there. It's a mile from my house, mile and a half. Go down there. Meet the guy. I'm going to meet you at 11 o'clock.

I went down there, meet the guy. I'm going to meet you at 11 o'clock. I went down there. I drove out with the car that I owned at 1138, eight minutes. It took to buy that car. And the only reason it took that long is because turns out I know the guy. Oh, that's James, Betty's son-in-law, James. So I had to make three or four. Yeah. Nurse Betty from the podcast. Turns out that that was her son-in-law james so i had to nurse betty three or four yeah nurse betty from the podcast turns out that that was her son-in-law selling those cars so the only reason it took eight minutes is because

i had to make up three or four minutes of small talk and then drove it around a fucking traffic circle of a fine by me he goes uh yeah you want it i go yeah i'm just not that's what i say i go i'm not good at bartering uh so i'm gonna let you do my bartering for me and he didn't miss a beat he didn't stutter he just goes i paid three grand for it i put 500 of my own money into it anything over that i'm good and i go how about four grand because he's asking 4500 yeah, hit him right in the middle. We fucking smiled. I walked away, drove off, hit the button. Title Company is right on the way home. A mile, like half the distance back home is a title company that I didn't know till today

has a registry in it. You can register your, no people in it, no line. Oh, you can register your car. They actually gave you the place? 28 minutes from the time I was meeting him at the gas station until not only did I buy it, I had plates in my hand. Not even just plates. I have fucking specialty Arizona Cardinals plates in my hand

with the fucking title in my hand. And 28 minutes from just going around the fucking circle going, oh, I like that pickup truck. I'm going to call this number. And then meeting the guy. 28 minutes from meeting him until having the plates on the fucking thing. $51 was my insurance for the year. Maybe that, again, that might be like the health insurance that we talked about or didn't.

Yeah, we talked about that. Whatever is 50 bucks when I call the insurance. Right. Okay. Yeah, we talked about that. Whatever. It was 50 bucks when I called the insurance. Right. Okay. It's fucking insane down here. You know what? What's funny again is it reminds me of like, we're going to be announcing UK dates very shortly.

The negotiation on the fucking doing that, the Hammersmith Apollo took fucking three emails, 30 minutes. I have dealt with more troublesome and awkward and fucking pain in the arse comedy clubs that have 150 seats and I'm

trying to get a fucking... I'm trying to get a Tuesday night when they're going to be fucking empty and the whole thing with a fucking Hammersmith Apollo on a fucking Saturday. 30 minutes. You know what? Let me fucking throw this hammer down. I know I have three Bisbee fucking listeners.

Yeah. The hardest club I cannot break into that I really want to work. not break into that i really want to work i can't think of anything that would even rival the fucking hitching post bar in the warren section of bisbee on bisbee road wants nothing to do it they have no idea it's just all they're they're denying cash what i'm basically bringing a wheelbarrow full of cash up to their door and they're saying not interested that you don't understand you you've you've again we've not talked that's one of the that's almost literally a phrase i have used with people who i'm negotiating with and i'm saying i've said people i've looked at your entire fucking schedule that's what we say schedule because it annoys them and uh i i

looked at your entire schedule for 2014 2013 and you have never had a single show on a tuesday night i am saying to you give me that night and you're all glengarry glen ross You're fucking taking that donut. Yeah, and I will fucking fill your tills to overflowing with cash. You will make more money at your bar than you could ever have imagined was possible in one night because Doug Stanhope's fans are

belligerent, joyful drinkers. And they're like And good tippers. And good tippers. Great tippers. And they're like and good tippers and good tippers great tippers and they're like this woman wouldn't fucking hear about it since I moved here we've been here almost 10 years now

I know because I have no interest we've had other people go that know her yeah she's just not they just don't and now she's suffering from cancer well someone's gonna be making decisions and if she has cancer she probably needs some money yeah then i can fucking fill the place yeah people come from fucking tucson and tombstone and sierra vista and fucking mexico i play tucson people come from mexico to fucking people coming to the show

people come from phoenix and le when you play tucson and further afield like because you know and it's but this is the problem with uh it's the it's it's the only like only bar that's perfect other than and they've redone the royale into a movie theater so right now it's the only place it's really a great stage and literally you could i could walk home i could walk there yeah and uh no no i don't get it we don't get it what's what's it sounds too good to be true what's the rub what's your angle well how do you make money because i get the door you don't charge the door people ain't gonna pay for a door yeah no they will pay forget it you're an idiot yeah anyway so

outside of this small journey into our own lives where we're talking about you know how difficult is get bookings here there and everywhere you know there has been there have been other interesting things happening i have arrived i forgot this last night it's very important i feel i feel bad about it because on on uh on last saturday i was a fantastic party it was a fantastic party in oh yes where i was a fantastic party in uh next to santa monica airport right santa monica airport great that's the place where uh harrison ford almost crashed his plane oh yeah oh sorry sorry yeah only only hot chats can fly out yeah sorry it's not you're not getting a flight into santa monica airport no he did crash his plane that's the point though so yes but it's no it's like this it's the airport that's inside

la for the rich and famous. And I always think that airports are sexy places to have parties because you can see planes taking off, something sexy about a plane taking off while you're drinking a drink. And they keep doing it into the night because Orlando, they have a Hyatt at the Orlando airport. And that's where we booked. We were playing Orlando the next day, but get there early to watch the first Obama election right on the runway.

We get a fucking suite and we're like, all right, let's go. Let's get right in the airport. We're going to be shit face when we get off the plane and we can watch fucking planes take off as we watch all the election results because it's going to take you know all fucking day and night to so yes so airports and uh drinking there's something there's something sexy about planes taking off this is a magnificent thing you know that's happening in your again just in your background so it's a sexy thing to have in the background it's better than fucking pinball so uh um uh so

this chap um chadwick chad clough or you you you c-l-o-u-g-h i would go clough but i would have no idea i would i'd just avoid that i'd go buddy hey what's up buddy i know but you want to get it right chad clough so um we would say clough because there's a very famous football manager called Brian Clough who was played by Martin Sheen, Sarah Silverman's beau in the film The Damned United. And anyway, the point is he was giving out these – She's still with a dude? What?

A dude? What, do you think she's immediately going to flip? I just assumed that – I thought she was busy. She hasn't called me in, well, she's never actually called me ever, but I just assumed she's always been busy because her career's always been on the rise. Yeah, yeah. All right, go ahead.

That's what happens when your career's on the rise. Pause. No Stanhope time. Yeah. So Chad is a friend of Henry Phillips and Patrick Keane, who you know. Yeah. So, Chad is a friend of Henry Phillips and Patrick Keane, who you know. Yeah. You know,

and we went to his party. It was fucking brilliant. And he's giving out, everyone who went, he's printing out these things. Like, this is what you call going above and beyond for a party. He's printing out things that said funniest.

Hold it up. It says on it, funniest guest of the night. And they're said funniest. Hold on. It says on it, funniest guest of the night. And they were like hand. Hang on. Let me just explain. This is framed. This is stamped into duct tape on a palette framed in an album frame. Yeah.

Like a record album shaped frame. Yeah. Yeah. Funniest guest. It's very cool looking and so when you do it on a this is actually the print so you do it on the canvas and everyone got one

and so everyone obviously thought oh that's great I'm the funniest guest of the night obviously sorry bingo stop that so everybody was doing that and getting these gifts from Chad, Chadwick, Chadders, whatever we call them.

The more political people, they would call them Chadiquidic. And so he said he knows Doug, and would you please give Doug the actual template that was used for printing the thing that says funniest guest of the night i uh chadwick i fucking love your gift and i i'm seriously going to put this with the other uh awards that i've got that mean uh nothing but a heartfelt gratitude like when we played the apollo hammersmith they uh we played it twice the biggest venue I've ever played and filled. And they give you a plaque every time that says,

Doug, stand up with the date, Apollo Hammersmith Theater in London. And, yeah, it means I was there. Yeah, yeah. Everyone gets a prize. Yeah. So, yeah, I was there. Yeah, yeah. Everyone gets a prize. Yeah. So, yeah, I will. And you know what? I'd rather have an invite.

Yeah. I don't get it. I fucking, when Sarah Silverman invited me, she invited me to her, she has a big party every year. Yeah. And she invited me a few years in a row. I'm like, wow, I never get invited to parties. You start to realize how out of the loop you really are after 10 years at bisbee i don't know i never get how long you've been here be 10 years in june holy monkeys yeah it's fucked that's a lot but every time she'd

invite me it's like she checked my schedule in my mind yeah that's one of the things I've learned. Well, why wouldn't you? No, I could live like this. I could retire. Live in that trailer and you go, I can live with nothing basically. And I wouldn't drink myself to death. I could do it without drinking myself

to death, I've learned. But I would turn into a paranoid crank. You can see, just sitting around with nobody around, no friends. And and eventually you say i need a gun yeah there's a reason what were we talking about today the fucking oh everybody if you're listening to this or trying to or tried to listen to this on a fucking i thing itunes ipod ipad iphone i courteous iphone fucking app podcast app what i i has been fucking up the podcast for a month and it's not us it's i it's yeah it's them so listen to it right off my website libsyn yeah yeah just doug stand up we have looked into this and established that there So listen right off my website, Libsyn. Yeah. Yeah. Just DougStanhope.com.

We have looked into this and established that there is no fuck up with the Libsyn feed that comes from Doug Stanhope's site. And we have also discovered that there are numerous other podcasts that are having problems with the fucking iTunes. We Facebook it. We tweet it. We talk about it on the podcast don't tell us about the fucking well no no no no you know you're wrong stop really sorry stop don't open your mouth unless you know the shot i'm leaving uh yeah no dude chaley said no it's helpful like while he tries to figure out what the fuck is the problem to know it specifically

if you have specifics all right mine shuts out at this specific spot every time in this episode or yeah i don't know maybe he's done with this maybe he's already because it's been a week that he's been working on this he's got batman yeah now he's got shit to sell i have no idea what the fuck is talking about but we're gonna wrap this up no no no the point is though that if again if you're if you are having problems with the doug stanhope podcast downloading onto your iWhatever, the problem, I'm afraid, is your iWhatever. It's the mechanism that gets the podcast onto your iWhatever. There's no point texting or emailing us about this. Well, I just said there might be a point to them texting or emailing us.

There's a forensic point. At Greg Chaley. There's a forensic. G-R-E-G-C-H-A-I-L-L-E. Fuck it. No, let him deal with the problems. Yeah, fine. Okay.

Yeah. At Greg Chaley so you don't have to rewind and risk it. Doug, what other gifts have arrived? Yeah, other gifts. Let's fucking barrel through this. Someone named Joe. John. John. other gifts let's uh fucking barrel through this someone named joe john john someone named john sent bingo this fucking amazing package of uh art shit it's like a 104 piece all media art set from essentials and royal lang nickel i like thatkel. That's a fucking great fake name. And what was lovely was...

And his name is Roger Langnickel. All he said was, I hope Bingo gets better. Yeah, I hope you feel better. And sent all this art shit, painting, paintbrush, drawers, and leather-bound... What do you call that? You write your thoughts in... Journal.

I wish I had thoughts to write down. Yeah. And... Oh, I get a fucking... Let's just hammer this guy quickly. Yeah, we have to... Yeah. In contrast...

Yeah. No, they did send me a Bible. When you send me a stolen Bible, and I have to assume that it's stolen, because otherwise it doesn't count. Otherwise, I'd be cheating you. So this is a... Send a stolen Bible, which, again, that's cash money.

We sell the fuck out of the stolen Bibles. The people seem to love them. They love the stolen... Derek H. I'm not making him anonymous he did Derek H sent a six page and and and with short uh you know a lot of fucking words in six pages short spaced and then you fucked yourself this is how you fucked yourself Derek first is how you fucked yourself, Derek. First of all, you send me six pages of something to read. I've been, day 29 for me, 28 completed days of the day 28 podcast of the Tin Can Rehab podcast.

I have managed to complete one book. When I started, I still haven't finished. I hope to do that on the last day. It's the Rebels, Renegades History of the United States. Oh, yeah. i started i still haven't finished i hope to do that on the last day is the rebels uh renegades history of the united states oh yeah and i was into that and then i was like i you know what i just want something that doesn't make me think i want to uh so i read todd glass's book that sounds like a such a slam it's not like i wanted to just no yeah you you want a book that allows you to relax. Yeah.

I want to read a book like I watch TV. I just want to drift off and be entertained. Yeah, and Todd Glass' book is good. Because I've read it, actually. And it allows you to relax. It's not a book that fucking demands that you're fucking front and center recalling every aspect of history history that you know

i i read books like oh most of the time half my brain is like all right what bits can i get out of this yeah if i'm gonna have to learn something how do i make it funny yeah and like so it's this whole thing where you that's where you end up going through two, three pages and realize I have not been conscious of reading. It's like when you black out at the wheel, like you're so spaced out. I don't remember the last three miles. Well, I don't remember the last three pages.

Cause in my head, I've already not only written a bit, I'm doing the bit on stage. I know I'm not into this book. So to fucking bow out and just read something. And by the way, I mean, people should know that,

I mean, Doug's not being unfairly judgmental with anyone. Like if I have to, for me as Doug's so-called manager, if I have to talk to Doug about a subject or send him an email, it's concise. I have to make it. Brevity is key.

Yeah. It's like, here's the point. Yes, no. You know what I mean? You know what you still do? I think you and Chaley probably... Tell me.

Hello, it's me. I know it's you. I have caller ID. I yell at you all the time. I have caller ID. I want to pick up the phone and you say... Oh, no, I know that. So-and-so called and you have a 1230 employee.

I know, I know. Sorry, I have to say, I know that. You do that on purpose? I do that on purpose. I know it's you. I know. I know it's me. I hope you've noticed.

I actually say, it's me, and then I pause so that you can get angry. Boom, boom. Chaley doesn't do it on purpose. Oh, I do it on purpose. Hey, what's going on? I don't know. We're fucking... We work together.

Hey, what's up? You just went to Safeway. You're at Safeway. Don't act like we're going to have some small talk. I never say what's up. No, but I'm saying Chaley. Chaley does... Hey, what are you doing?

You're down there. Just say the thing you want to say. Jaylee's really bad at fucking wasting time, especially explaining things that I don't need to know. Listen, I know you don't want to know this, but the thing with the iPhones freezing up and then goes into, I know you don't want to know this or need to know this

yet I'll still explain what's about to be a short version in my brain and no I don't want to know that Derek H let's get back to this all of a sudden this podcast wound up way longer

than the first one that didn't record. And if this one didn't record, there's no fucking evergreen because we spent that. This is where you fucked up, Derek. You sent me this. I can't read. I can write faster than I can read. I can write faster than I can read. And you wrote me this and you fucked up as though I was going

to read it anyway but I would have more curiosity if in the first two sentences this is how it starts the following is a letter composed by my friend Daniel well sort of he was trying to help me out everything in it is true I'm a fan and thought it was a bit douchey to ask for help with fundraising. Letter drops to the floor. Red flags. Did it say fundraising? It's a six page letter that has fundraising in it in the first three sentences. Oh, I know.

Okay. And then so I'm skimming through it, the first three sentences. Oh, I know. Okay. And then, so I'm skimming through it, just counting the pages. And then there's actually, there's links in the letter. Like, wow. Click here. So, yeah. And then right there you see, and then he got stuck with a $10,000 tax bill.

And then you keep going, like, all right. And Robbie ended up in the hospital with an infection in his foot. I don't even remember Robbie. You just see one sentence here and there, and then you get to the end. Cincinnati or Kentucky. All right, you know what? All I saw was fundraising aside from the errant others.

And yeah, I hope, I wish you luck. If you could boil that six pages down to a tweet, and this is why Twitter is popular. This is why texting got popular. Yes. I remember when Joe Rogan, now the king of the gadgets, used to be anti-gadget, and he had the greatest bit about texting and the new phones that are coming out.

This is, you know, really? Yeah, the fucking turn of the latest century. And he'd go, why are you buying phones that do all the things that you gave up because you had a phone? All right. It's like a walkie-talkie, but it's a phone. Well, you gave up walkie-talkies because you get a phone all right it's like a walkie talkie but it's a phone well you don't you you gave up walkie talkies because you get a phone and the texting is like morris code but it's

you tap it takes me six it takes me four buttons to make an s why just call me i'm doing a disservice to a bit that's no longer relevant but the reason that texting is even it makes people shorten their thoughts yeah because when they call you they go hey what are you doing man uh what do you mean what am i doing just get to the point like if people would call the same way they text but what what room are you in i'm in the lobby i hate to say that is one of the few areas in which i'll blow my own trumpet because you know and you've been there and i've seen me taking phone calls which involve me answering your call listening to what the person says saying yes and then hanging up that that is how you know trying i'm not talking about you i'm talking about people i know but you're not the reason texting took off no i'm talking about this idea that there is a way

there there is a philosophical way to approach communication that says tell me the minimum you need to tell me that is also the maximum and I will then respond. It doesn't require... I bet you know how to say that in Japanese. I do. You're having trouble trying to find the English translation.

Fuck you and your six pages. Sorry. The first podcast I was a lot more pleasant. Now we're trying to get through this. But you are more salient. Yeah. So keep going.

Everyone tweeting me, emailing me. We have three more songs of the day. You send me songs. Hey, this should be a candidate for song of the day i i for the most part don't ever click on those links i'm not trying to learn more music i'm just trying to show you the shit that's been swimming around in my ipod uh that i even listen to. But I do for my iPod. I have it stocked up with a lot of old... Fuck, goddammit, what are their names? The two guys.

What do I know? Count Basie and... Yeah, swing music that's just no lyrics. I like no lyrics because I'm trying to write or think, I want music on so I don't hear myself chew because I hate mouth sounds and I want to punch anyone in the mouth who's making fucking chewing noises.

If you're eating, get the fuck away from me, including me. I want to punch myself in the fucking mouth when I hear myself chew. So I like to put on some music, but I don't want to hear lyrics because they fuck with the fucking talking that's going on in my head. Again, Doug and I

are very, you were very different in many areas, but the thing about lyrics is exactly the same. I like music that doesn't have lyrics. I like when I'm working, I go to Tangerine Dream, I go to fucking

electronic music that has no fucking lyrics oh you're going to love this CD in the fucking Tahoe it's like lyrics fuck with your mind because there are words that are entering your head and your head has to process them right yeah it's awful

so that's what I'm asking for and you'll probably help on this and you'll chime in, but let the other people do it. I will. And then we hang up the podcast. Oh, I see. Yeah, classical music. That's the other thing.

It's weird. Why the fuck? Hey, fucking Sirius XM radio. Why do you not have classical music? You have symphony. That's not the same. That's a fucking soundtrack to a movie. I don't want to pretend

that i'm fucking bombing the japanese as my heart is breaking no i want classical just something to break up the monotony of the white noise in my fucking head so yeah just what's a simple classical and keep in mind this is something I want to download from the fucking evil emperor iTunes as a massive thing. I don't care what it costs. I just don't want to have to pick and choose different numbers or whatever you call them. Sonatas or whatever.

Sonatas. I knew you'd know. Smart Fuck Magazine. We didn't get to that in this version of the podcast. Hey, we still could. No. No, let's get out of this. Let's get out of this.

So, yeah, send me some classical shit. Remember when I asked this, if I don't get back to you, like with the gentrified Bisbee artwork, somehow 85 of you came up with the same fist. Yes. I guess it's easy to do this now. So if I didn't get back to you, it's because I've seen a million of them now, and I appreciate you doing the work, and eventually I'll get that.

I hope Chaley ever comes home. Thank you in advance for sending me, hey, this is really good, just mellow, not invasive classical music. And it goes on for hours and you'll never know it's there, except you won't hear yourself chew or think. And we have sponsors for the we have the Americana Music Festival. I hope I'll be around. Come stop and say hi.

I'll be going fucking. It's one street that's fucking 150 yards long. You'll see me and you'll see the caddy. Hey, come bid on the caddy live and in person. That'd be funny. Yes. Yeah. Barter with bingo. You might get.

That's already a terrible idea. you might get a pink trombone i also are you so as do are we doing word of the day yeah we're gonna do word of the day and your word of the day sponsor is uh oh hang on i had it written down oh sherry's berry yes of course yeah god damn it do it again fuck no no no i had a fucking i had it on here i look i saw my talking about at the beginning of this i go fuck that's the sponsor do boo boo you're not thinking about bingo are you no tell a story tell it well i know but i remember in the last part you know, hang on. This is another note. I'm looking at my notes now. Don't mail me drugs.

A few people have said, hey, what's that address again? I want to send you. You talked about doing edibles. No, no, no. I appreciate the offer, but don't fucking send drugs in the mail. It's stupid. Yes. That's not a good idea.

Particularly when you put your return address. Yeah. Don't fucking send drugs in the mail. It's stupid. Yes. That's not a good idea. Particularly when you put your return address. Yeah. Don't do that. So that's a fuck cocksucker. Well, I'll remember it tomorrow. We have two more podcasts after this. Yeah. And the one I'm going to be fucking out of the clink and into the drink.

Yeah. You'll be like Steve McQueen. And what's that fucking movie? Papillon. You'll be like, oh. Yeah, no, I really enjoy being sober. As fucked up as we were last night, I woke up this morning feeling like shit. And I thought, fuck, I can't wait to do this without having to do a podcast every day.

But a really important thing was you didn't smoke. Smoking is a... Yeah, that was the whole point. Yeah, I know, but I think it's a really important point to nail. Like, I would... I read Smartfuck magazine, okay? I would need severe intellectual correction to be informed in a worthwhile way that drinking is bad for you there is no evidence

to say that drinking is bad for you there is all sorts of evidence to say the contrary smoking on the other hand is only negative so all right not you're saying drinking within reason. Not necessarily. Well, we'll go back to the old, anything to excess can be bad. You can die from drinking too much water. Yes, but the point being that there are, the point is that cut to my chase, not the chase, smoking is like, there's nothing, I can't see we we i've been over this early in my career in my early cds yeah there's no benefit to smoking there's no good

thing you just start doing it and then you can't feel normal without doing it i'll get very i'll keep you i get some drops i i do it we we did some pre-taped drops. Oh, yeah. So the word of the day is sponsored by Bingo. Amy Bingaman, my gal pal. And we recorded. So, hi, this is Amy Bingaman. I like to sit Indian style and choke down cream pies, and I'm horribly obese.

And here's the word of the day. That's a good one. It's not often we get Bingle being the articulate. Yeah, again, since she hit her head, and she's a little sluggish in the morning. Hit track two, Gus. Yeah, it's A10. Hi, this is Amy Bigelow-Bingerman,

and I like to go to the supermarket and panhandle chains. I have a new all-media art kit, and I like to paint pictures of cream pies with lots of I'm choking on my own meat flavored saliva That was Amy Bingaman

It was nice that she tried to cut some tracks for the word of the day We just beat the mornings and she'd had a bit to eat Yeah Hi, this is This is Amy to mornings and she'd had a bit to eat. Yeah. Hi, this is this is Andrew Bingaman. I'm fat as a parade float.

I don't know if I'm crying or if syrup is coming out of my tear ducts. I used to be in really good shape during the Australian tour. I lost about 20 pounds and now I'm just eating syrup. She fucking ate in Safeway today. We went up just to drive the fucking new old truck, the slumpy the truck,

and we drove it up to Safeway. The old truck that could have. Because she needed rice, and I went. She's sitting there reading the fucking back of rice packets. Getting every single thing of rice. From the instant cup of rice to Ben and Jerry's. Not Ben and Jerry's. Uncle Ben's.

Yeah. And then to homegrown rice. Getting what's the most healthy option? And reading every fucking thing. How long can you read rice packets? What were you doing? I'm standing behind her, glaring at her, burning fucking holes into her shoulder blades, into her scapula, if you're a massage therapist, with my eyes of hatred.

And then when she finally finds the packet of rice that she thinks it's okay to eat she turns directly around behind us is the frozen beginning of frozen foods so she turns from that to the frozen food cabinet and right beside the first frozen food cabinet point of interest on the outside is the fucking ice cream toppings she grabs a thing of fudge fudge a jar of fudge opens it has a spoon at the ready that she had gotten from the deli department and just starts mowing down fudge on the way to check out of course she's even paid for it yeah she fucking gives half the time we go to safeway she delivers like random torn open packets of shit she ate while she's in the store. So you're just giving them garbage to scan and then throw away.

And this is every time. But this time it was after a literal. It took her more time to pick out rice than to buy the fucking car. It took her more time to pick out rice than to buy the fucking car. I bought the car in less time than it took her to buy rice because she's worried about how many calories and then turns around and starts mowing fudge out of a jar. A figure of fudge is just enough to give yourself a treat. Well, let's go to the word of the day.

The word of the day is brought to you by free fudge I like the easy fudge why didn't you fucking steal fudge like I do then it would be okay I ratted myself out did I tell you that I'm a fucking I was a chronic shoplifter for three days in a row at Safeway

I do what I do at like airports where you want to steal from them I have lots of stealing from airport stores. That makes you feel so good. But at Safeway, I've just been grabbing the USA Today. It pisses me off so much that it's $2 now. It just jumped from one to two. Fuck you.

And when do you have to pay for USA Today? So I just jam it inside the local paper, and then I just hand it to the gal. But I ratted myself out on the podcast for doing that, so now I keep buying them both. Well, Bingo's been with me, and she's like, don't you do it. Why would you do that?

What if you get caught? What do you mean? Don't you do that. You're going to get caught. You're going to be slated on a time of jail. What if there's a man my weight needs to be sold to me? Okay, now I understand. Word of the day, Bingo. Bingo picked this. I gave her the book, and she thought it was a picture manual,

and she just got confused, and then she just started slapping at one part of the page, and then I gave her real pictures once we had a word. What's the word, honey? You can't remember? Well, I have it written in front of me. I can't read it. I got to put on my sunglasses.

Pusillanimous. Pusillanimous. Pusillanimous. Pusillanimous. What does that mean, pusillanimous? Pusillanimous is a great word because it basically means, and here's the thing, it doesn't necessarily mean. Meek, timid.

Meek, timid, shy, but it does it in an insulting way so that actually you're looking. Hey, wallflower, fuck off. You're looking at chicken-hearted and cowardly aspects. You would never say something like, fuck off, you shy piece of shit. But you would say, fuck off, you pusillanimous piece of shit. There's an element of voluntary cowardice.

Hi, this is Amy Berman. I will appreciate all your... I can't really perform in public because I'm shy. I'd love to help you out. I'm shy. Well, you're speaking to an aspect of Amy Bingham's character there. I'm not necessarily sure I understand or know it, but your description implicit there of Puslanimus is correct.

Your description implicit there of Puslanimus is correct. I'd love to show off my giant buttocks on your stage in your strip talent show, but I'm too shy. Tacos, tacos. I'd love to be in a hot dog eating contest. I know that I do this at home quite a bit, but I can't be in a hot dog eating contest for a charity because my little son

can you just send him right to my house I can't fit outside the front door please do send us your pictures of the look at bingo trying not to fucking laugh your fucking lips are peeled like fucking Heath Ledger as the Joker. Here's my card.

I love that fucking... Any portrayal that any actor has ever done, Heath Ledger as the fucking Joker. I could smash his fucking dead face in watching it. Because of mouth sounds. He does that constant... That's why he does it it makes me physically enraged i fucking love it just because he nails that old he does he he understood

how to do who did how to deploy it as a phenomenal tactic i love every aspect of that performance but yeah oh hang on i've got a copy of Smartfuck Magazine. It says I'm right. All right. That's the word of the day. Pusillanimous. You little fucking timid weak cunts. You fucking zeros.

Find some backbone. Yeah. Actually, don't use that about someone else. Use that about yourself. Hey, I don't want to be pusillanimous about this, but it's time i stood up for myself i shouldn't have to wash the fucking toilet this many times in a row with a dick in my ass warden yeah or with my tongue so we're gonna close out strong speaking of being fucked in the ass

while you wash a prison toilet and you beg the warden to be put in a fucking uh what do you call that where you get put in the cell alone? Protective custody. Hey, this goes out to all the wallflowers in protective custody. Are you pusillanimous kid touchers, lady rapers? Are you pieces of shit? This is a little thing in prison that Joe Jackson, I told you there's

going to be more Joe Jackson and this is one you don't know. Crank it to the fucking top of your lungs. This is Joe Jackson you don't know from the Times Square soundtrack. A Tim Curry movie from 1980 or 81 with, yes, this is pretty boys. Joe Jackson.

Crank it on! Say I believe in the charts You boys get to be big stars How do you rate my sexual feel From one to ten? Is my image just a bit confusing? Maybe I should get a faceless start again Maybe I should trade my pointed shoes in Cause talent don't count

Bring it on I'm a discreet Teeth so wide Hands so clean Bring it on Sing out the guitars Bring it on Get to be the stars

But probably people got a lot to answer for You can take your patience You just wear a face and see just where it fits Be a pretty part in someone else's war Your baby's blue eyes, somebody else's wits Equals success Pretty boys! On my TV screen

Tears so white and my hair so green Pretty boys! Sing and play guitars On my TV screen Too so white and it's so green Prevors! Sing and play guitar Prevors get to be my stars I wanna see a human being on my TV set Want some action for the fat and thin men They're getting closer but they ain't got robots yet Just a hero with a smile like a tin man

No brains and no heart Just pretty boys On my TV screen Teeth so white, hair so clean Pretty boys Sing out the guitars Pretty boys get to be big stars Pretty boys

On my TV Pretty boys On my TV Pretty boys, I'm a TV Pretty boys, I'm a TV Pretty boys, I'm a TV Pretty boys, I'm a TV Pretty boys, I'm a TV Pretty boys, pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty Thank you. Thank you.