The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DAY 29 - Tin Can Rehab

Episode Date: March 18, 2015

DAY 29A daily podcast following Doug's self-imposed rehab to quit smoking. The penultimate TinCanRehab episode. Doug is surprised by his doctor's advice.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 17, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Sillycone, INC. - http://sillycone.myshopify.com/ Doug Stanhope's #TinCanRehab Playlist - http://bit.ly/1BUwPTcIntro music "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie. Closing song “Whamma Jamma” by The J. Geils Band. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Okay, it is the penultimate, big word, penultimate, second to last, penult you found out was actually a noun. That's right. Today is the penult. Yeah. Hey, I didn't hear the last episode, but I heard the penult. Right. So, yeah, that was it.

We were putting a game plan together. I was putting notes together. And then Evil E comes in. Evil E in the house. Yes. Dropping off some meds. Laying some smack on the donkeys. Always.

You know what? I will stop any podcast, anything, anytime for Evil E. Evelyn. Neighbor Dave's Evil E. Evelyn. Haven't seen her in forever. She hasn't been by the house except at Safeway.

So yeah, that was lovely. She still has a pack of Marlboro 100s that probably got brought up in the early days of this podcast that she dropped off trying to be funny and then I smoked them, smoked one and then returned that pack saying

here's this pack uh unopened and un molested so i proved to you that i you did not tempt me in any way whatsoever and of course there was one obviously taken out the rest hanging out, a cigarette butt in the envelope I put in her mailbox. So, yeah, I've been going over, you know, it's nerve-wracking. Today, it's the Day 29 podcast, but that means Day 29 was completed yesterday. We taped the podcast referring to the day before. And now it's a, so it's the day 29 podcast is my day 30. The last podcast will be tomorrow doing a, basically a wrap up show about my time in the bucket,

in the joint, in the joint, in the 30 days in the tin can, the cooler King. I'm going to write an autobiography called Lifer. Lifer. About my experiences sleeping in a trailer that I didn't really spend that much time in during the day because all the shit you have to do is not in there. Mm-hmm. There's not enough room for the fucking going through the receipts of the taxes on that

little tiny table. No, you're right. To do taxes. Yeah. I've stayed in that trailer. I've stayed in all of them. I like it. But you stayed in there in the summer.

That has to suck shit. That's crazy. No, no. And also, when you're waking up with a hangover and it's bright sunshine at six in the morning. Yeah, yeah. The sunshine now is welcome because it heats the fucking place up. See, I'm still stuttering on fucks because Evil E was just here. And you don't say

fuck in front of evelyn that's a house rule what are the only house rules yeah i will stumble on that one i i find myself doing it and just you know general conversation not saying fuck but you'll begin okay so you're actually smoking cigarettes and you can uh so you're on the eve of i'm terrified brian uh-huh i don't know how i'm gonna acclimate to the outside world now uh-huh but are you feeling like desperate like oh thank fuck i can smoke tomorrow no no no that's not the point the point was to get to a place where cigarettes are not that much of an issue yeah i i agree but what i'm saying is you you do feel there's a you've gone over a certain bump in the road or a barrier or whatever.

You're not standing here tonight going, oh, thank fuck. Cigarettes tomorrow. No, nor am I going, oh, I'm going to get shit faced. Right. Party. I want to get more shit done. This fucking podcast has really been the biggest hang up, knowing that I have to do something where I can't just even if it's something dumb like all

right i'm gonna just tear everything out of the crawl space over at the black knob house because that's been a fucking years of neglect we gotta get in but i go i gotta do the podcast i gotta take notes so now not having to do the podcast we're getting the fuck out of town let me get this one thing all right because i was excited there because what i thought you're basically saying is the solution to keeping you healthy is to get you more work no that the quitting smoking thing yeah smoking is not even a fucking issue anymore unless i were around it yes yeah so i for so have you been you you have been basically avoiding smokers right right i'm avoiding everyone i have a whole list of things that i've learned in my 30 days in the hole you're like the dalai lama of 30 days in the home right

and things i've learned about myself about my home life about the sober experience of the fucking rehab that i i think i really could start doing seminars now i think you could absolutely it's been perfect i just you were talking about last night about the guy i was people who uh that whole if you fuck up then you're you're completely done in i forget the context of it but someone sent me an article from the atlantic about how aa is dog shit yes uh yeah all right yeah i get it yeah and how this guy that there was someone that was in AA, whatever, he was a lawyer. He just got caught up in the ritual of AA where if you fuck up, then they tell you that the first drink is what gets you drunk,

and that's what happens. If you have one drink, you're just going to spiral out of control because alcoholics can't handle themselves. we just assumed that was true so every time yeah i've i've had three cigarettes over two nights during this you don't go oh well i guess i'm back smoking again yes i was talking about that about willpower where the secret is to you don't hammer down on yourself when you fuck up you just go go, eh, I fucked up. Won't do it again. Yeah.

And that's the, whereas an AA and other things like that, that's a crisis that has to be addressed as if, you know, we're at DEFCON 1. Yeah. You know? I'm fucking going to watch TV tomorrow all motherfucking day I have such a glut of things I can't wait to watch

it's killing me when I see on Twitter and the whole, the jinx this is our penultimate show so tomorrow the last podcast I guess is where I go into a toilet and forget that the podcast is rolling and admit that I killed all those people too. Yeah.

Now I know the end of the jinx and haven't seen, but I'm still going to watch it. Looking forward to that. And I guess the better call Saul. I don't know if it's good or not. Not seeing a lot of reports. Nobody's saying anything bad about it. Really?

Really? When Louis CK show first first started everyone's going i don't fucking get this at all but no one's gonna say the emperor wears no clothes no and then a few episodes were weird enough to go all right this is fucking at least interesting yeah yeah and yeah there's still part of a lot of them. You go, okay, Emperor. Close. Got it. Okay. I watched the first two Better Call Saul.

The first one was great. You told me they were great. Yeah. But you see the second one where you go, all right, you're dragging a lot. That's like a 20 minute episode. You drug into an hour. Okay. But a lot of that's like a 20 minute episode you drug into an hour okay but a lot of that's me i'm a guy that i fast forward in my life to everything good television like all right get to the good part you know i don't i don't need to build up you love this in soccer yes i said we

watched soccer today we watched arsenal i. We watched Arsenal against soccer. I just happened to be in the room. I watched Arsenal play Monaco and typical Arsenal. They almost made it to the last eight. I have no idea. Arsenal was winning when I came in. Yeah, but they had a deficit they needed to overcome. Oh.

It was two legs, so home and away. No idea. I just asked. I go, well, if they get rid of that whole, was it offside rule, would it just be like basketball scoring? Well, it would not. I don't know if it would be that much scoring,

but it would lose the dramatic build-up. There'd be very little midfield action, which is kind of the, you know, you want to see build. I mean, when I used to play soccer, football back in the UK, I was a fucking penalty box poacher, and I loved it. I hated the offside rule.

But, yeah, it wouldn't be much of a spectacle. I don't know that it is now, but even basketball, when I watch, I'll watch playoffs in pretty much any sport. And so basketball, I'll record them, and then I'll just fast forward to the last four minutes and then fast forward then through all the timeouts and fouls just to get to, okay, get the fucking basketball. Okay, good.

And I'm happy I fast forward through chicks talking in my favorite shows the fucking ray donovan and that fucking broad with the worst boston accent ray you can tell when writers write around a boston accent and it's so embarrassing uh you know if if it was more likely someone would have said passing gas they'll write fat yeah they're just that's funny they just park the car and they just you know they're doing it on purpose because it's clunky words that no one would ever say just to get what's odd about the boston accent is you can be not from boston and not know what the accent is and still say, that's a shit Boston accent. Yes. There's something odd.

I loved her in Deadwood. Whoever the wife is. It's such a fucking awful accent. He can get away with it a little bit. Yes. Because he's not fast in it. Sorry.

I just spit across the table at you. Wow. So, yeah, I fast forward to the good parts. If I happen to fuck, yeah, let's get to that coming part right away. The buildup I don't need anymore. I don't need the drama. I don't even know what I was talking about. You talked about this is the penult

Yeah the penult Plans to get the fuck out of here Such desperate wanderlust To be on planes So we're going up north For a little while Does traveling Provoke thoughts of smoking?

No, actually, traveling is great. Being on a plane, you can't smoke. True. Yeah, pretty much you can't do that. Okay. Wow. Have you driven more than three hours during this period? I had driven all over the place.

Yeah, driving is not an issue. Being around smokers, being fucking alone. That's, again, on the list of things that I've learned. Not having company is fantastic. As much as I love football season and having people over, not having people over, you know how much the house has not got fucked up in the last two months or six weeks, however it's been since football's over.

Yeah, you just go to bed, you wake up, shit's the same. Yes. No chairs turned upside down. There's not 85 beer bottles to hump up to the trash can and not recycle. Yeah, so that's fun. We're going to go north for a few days, and then we're going to go.

We have to go south then for a few days for business, and then we're going to go way south to an island for a few days. Get a tan. Actually, just to complete, you're actually going to go kind of west as well. So you're going to go north, south, and sorry, east. And then to come home, you'll go west. You'll cover the compass. Right.

We'll bang out some frequent flyer miles. So the crazy flights at the end of the year. Then we have some things, some work. I still got to finish my taxes before we get the fuck out of here. I'm pretty close. I'll wait till you're out of here. Then it'll be easy. Then we'll lock the door.

Hey, you know what? There's only three people that I know of in Bisbee that listen to this. So just gossip spread. So just say that we're out of town as soon as. Yeah, he finished his 30 days, and then they just flew off. They were going on some worldwide. Just make up lies. make up more fantastic lies than i could come up with they laid they laid down some landmines and then they left yeah i i think

bingo is uh when she thumped her melon there in that public spectacle uh evidently she uh she jarred something loose and she they're gonna have to take the top of her head off like Laura Kimball and readjust her wires. Until then, make any lie up. Laura Kimball did live her last brain cancer surgery. For those paying attention, she's alive and well. Her husband sent me a picture

of her on a port-a-potty with her head all bald and the big tumor taken out of it. I did some ridiculous obscure not not important facebook post like frankly all of mine are and uh on the day on the day in question of her surgery like she liked it and i was like wait you you're about to literally you've got 20 i know you've got 20 minutes before you're going under the knife and you're going like that's how fucked up not only your ego is.

Yeah. Social media is fucked up enough, but your ego, like, all right, who's paying attention? Yeah. She actually texted me that last night. Oh. My husband sent you a picture of me on a toilet post-surgery, and you did not respond?

I'm like, all right, I't i get a bunch of texts and the picture is this big and i don't but there's but again there's an interesting thing here which is that so much to do with mortality is volitional i don't know if you've ever seen that study which showed that uh uh the big jewish uh festival in like jewish people's lives is Passover. And mortality rates shoot up as soon as Passover is over because elderly Jewish people are like, I'm going to make it through to the next Passover with my family. And then they all fucking die. And it's just astonishing that there is that aspect to dying

that is essentially volitional. It's like, no, no, no. That's the second time you you've used it and i haven't heard another word you said after that like that's a good word that should have been word of the day you've got a better word than they do i have it written down yeah and i'm gonna have to go back to the pronunciation key in the rogers the source words for intellectuals roger likes to dress up like what's that guy from greek mythology with the arrow like this imagine me in gold mercury and yeah i think maybe mercury he's firing an arrow into the sky he's all gold lame yeah that's how i picture roger from roger's the source we've talked a lot about this every time his name comes up. I imagine him in gold lame. He's firing little weird rubber

arrows around a party. He's like an old obviously gay Cupid. There's no straight Cupid. That baby did not grow up. If you want to settle the argument, am I born homosexual or is it

learned behavior? Am I born homosexual or do I just like archery? Have you seen Cupid? You think that guy grew up in some Adonis? Well, no, he is chubby. Yeah, he's a queer. Oh, he's a queer baby. I just thought he was chubby.

He's a chubby queer. What have you ever seen a Cupid? There you go. Oh, that dude's going to be a football player. I must admit, you're opening doors for me here. I had such a leap right then into someone emailed about Mishka Shubali. I don't know if he's still in the UK. Actually, I do know he's still in the UK. Mishka Shubali, who does the usual introduction song.

We helped set up a gig for him in Dublin. Alright, good. Yeah, go over. Someone sent me... I just saw that dude play to 20 people with no PA and that guy tore the shit out of it in Cardiff. I don't know how this jumped in

because the first thing I thought of in Cardiff... Actually, we loved being there yeah henry phillips got pussy uh and uh i remember some dude when i read that email today some i remembered some dude stopped me in the street and said are you doug stanhope yeah and he goes yeah you're you're funny and you gave me some a compliment and then but followed up with a very four-handed backhand of but you're no bill hicks you know sorry mate sorry mate i want to go you know what you're fucking well you're probably uh

not anything like your dad dreamed you might turn out to be. Or indeed you dreamed that you'd turn out to be. Yeah, but why I wouldn't come up and say that to your face. I know. You fucking cunt. You Welsh person. And that's one of those things where you go, you know what, yeah, you want to fucking say that shit on Twitter, but you'd never say that

to my face. Well, that guy did, and I go, what do I do now? I don't know what. Just hang on to that for two years, evidently, and spit it out. Yeah. The fucking empty well of a podcast. I'll throw that down.

The tar pit is empty. Clunk. So wells. So what else? So there's a lot of else. I got a lot of upcoming, the pitfalls. Yeah? Yeah, I don't even want to say where I'm going. You're doing.

Yeah. Yeah, there's a couple days there we have planned where you go, that might be. But again, I'm not worried. No. I will miss the gifts that's so i one thing i will miss is and you know what you don't have to stop them from coming in 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 i fucking yes every day is goddamn christmas and i love it and bingo loves it and if i don't open the gift bingo will go can i open it are you gonna open that so you have

leftovers on your plate when you're leaving denny's drunk and you you're gonna finish your hash browns you forget to open one package this is bingo to finish? Hi, this is Bingo Bingaman. I have a pocket full of letter openers, and I'd like to open all your packages because I'm looking for sugary chewing gum, a sugared gum, maybe a caramel appetizer. All sorts of things could be in this package. I want to put my nose on it like a bloodhound

or try to sniff out any kind of caloric carbohydrates. Today, gift. Where's the gift? Okay. Hang on. First of all, we get a lot of the gifts today were from me to me. Oh, yeah? I like those gifts.

First of all, this is one thing. I thought I'd get some feedback from Twitter when I said, Hey, here's a good gift-giving idea. Give someone for their birthday. Get them an old magazine from the month and year of their birthday. And I always thought that was a great little unique scam. I'm not creative. I don't know you.

My friends, I don't know what you like, Brian Hennigan. You don't ever talk about shit. You have some secret life. It's your personal life. I go back to my Batcave. Right. So like, all right, well, get him something Scottish again. Oh, gee.

Keep going. So I got myself some presents. I got myself a Playboy. From the year of your birth. Yeah. March of 67. Hey, don't forget my fucking birthday. How about that?

Yeah. Yeah. March 25th. Yeah. I will be 48 years old in in in human years right and when i get back from my little uh i have to get out of here i this i it's exactly works out to two weeks yeah 30 days in the hole and then we'll have a few days here and then we'll do two weeks of uh like remedial it's like a halfway house because I can't just be released from the trailer

back onto the mean streets. And there's fucking, as Brendan Walsh would say, gum chewing teenagers out there like smoking cigarettes at the corner store. Brendan Walsh has a lot of things. Yeah, they're going to make me feel cool if I smoke and I have to stay away from those people. So I have to stay in a lot of delta sky clubs so uh yeah i think they have two weeks of like trying to wean myself back into the society and the community and stay away from those smoking people let's just call it

a fortnight of fortitude yeah so i want to have a giant a fortnight i don't know what that means it's a fucking like that really annoys me because there are all sorts of british things that make no sense and i'm happy to concede defeat in all of them but calling two weeks a fortnight which basically means 14 nights that should be a part of everybody's speech a fortnight it means two weeks and it's better it sounds better than two weeks a fortnight well a hot penny is a half a penny so it should be a ha month oh oh that's there we go we're gonna have a ha month of happiness that's what you're gonna do a ha month a ha month no no i'm doing the i don't know is it would that be Cockney or fucking the people? I watched some dumb show.

Remember right before Rehab Bingo? We watched that on Netflix. It was like some. Or not fucking Petty Blinders, whatever the fuck it's called. No, no, no. This is a reality show, like the lowest fucking level of reality show where people who shoplift and shit, they follow them around and they're going to teach you the secrets. In London? Yeah. And this guy

all his THs were Fs. Oh yeah. All got pied at the end of the month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Stephen is my only lie of I don't know, Eric. So yeah. What kind of accent would that be?

Or is that just a fucking idiot? Well, it's interesting because I know somebody who talks like that and it's not necessarily an accent. There is actually a speech impediment which you hate which makes you do that.

So, you... But given what you're talking about, London, that is an accent. Yeah, I thought it was. Yeah. Yeah, it was... Anyway, I got...

I got... This was one. Anyway, I got... This was one of the gifts I got today. Back to the gifts. Silicone ink. Oh. Yeah. Silicone. Trey Chic.

Spell it. Can you spell it? How does it spell? Silly. S-I-L-L-Y. Cone. All one word. C-O-N-E.

Silicone. Like silicon, but it's silly-cone. Silicone is a design patent pending product line of high gloss FDA approved silicone purchased from Dow Corning of the United States. Our products go beyond

traditional ice trays. They're actually molds that can be used with a myriad of edible mediums from butter to chocolate and for craft projects like crayon letters and numbers. They're silicone

ice trays that have either, you can get them in either letters or numbers. The letters, let me show you. Let me show you how it works. They just sent me the numbers. They gave me 48 for my 48th birthday, and they sent a card that said happy birthday.

So here you can get either, like if you get like zeros, you could get an ice tray that's all zeros, or if you like ones or twos, they also come in threes, fours, and fives, and then there's a specialty line. Sixes, sevens, eights. Doesn't show nines on there. Oh, wait. Nine is the

major. Surely, again, nine can be six. Yeah. Oh, wow. They're burning people. Yeah. If you're going to silicone ink and you're getting the fucking... They said you would get sixes. All right. Okay, but having said that... Don't open... They sent you a gift. Sixes. Alright. Having said that... Don't open your mouth if you

don't know the shot. Yeah, wait. Having said that, I do have in front of me, which you don't, the FAQ page on their website. Okay. The first FAQ on the silicone website. Will your silicones make my breasts larger? Oh, that's's right i did read this yeah

they're actually funny did you there's another one good yeah we don't sorry forgive me we don't manufacture that kind of silicone our silicone only increases penis size didn't didn't didn't yeah this is definitely a patent pendingpending corporation. Yes, it is. The patent-approved would never allow this shit. Second question on the FAQ page. Is Coldplay the greatest band ever? Coldplay? Is Coldplay the greatest band ever? And they responded?

Oh. They responded, Coldplay is okay. We wouldn't say they're the greatest band ever what are you from the UK or something I know that's on there you must be from the UK question mark or just really like Gwyneth Paltrow one of the links they have a map of

the United States like a color coded map of the states and it's where is ohio and dark red is ohio and then all the surrounding states are very close to ohio wow that's interesting that shows they must have divergent feqs depending on where you look them up because that answer which you've quoted isn't on my fucking FAQ. What? All I've got is, why Ohio? And it says, first, Ohio kicks ass.

You should definitely move here. Second, we have the most astronauts, so we basically rule space. All right, well, I don't... No, not the FAQ. It's another link. The point is, they get some funny shit yeah but they have fucking letters and numbers for ice trays like it sounds like they

can do some shit with this was interesting i didn't want to goof on it but listen a silly cone i appreciate that you guys listen to the podcast and i know you know as much as i shit on you i fucking know you're gonna be laughing in your dumb chairs in your dumb cubicles while you wait for this uh company to finally take a shit because you have like it shows you have ice trays that make either letters or numbers let me read some of the copy our single number trays are the perfect way to quote number theme any party or celebration from an eight-year-old birthday party to a 50th wedding anniversary ringing the new year with year-themed candles ice and chocolates the possibilities of what you can create are infinite imagine an number imagine having number eight ice cubes and every child's juice

glass and a take-home cray crayon favor molded into the number eight endless possible you could do that with nine or four uh-huh and then it shows like, oh, you can make the word dad on pancakes. Well, you'd have to buy two different things because there's only one D in the fucking letter thing. So if you want to put dad on the pancakes in the butter, you'd have to... If you want to put dad on the pancakes and you don't know how to work...

Or you'd have to spend 14 plus shipping to get an extra tray with a d like anything you want to spell like uh fuck how am i how do you spell necessary is it one c and two r's or is it if we had silicone in our fucking you know drunken shark tank what would we say to them? Make dicks! How about, yeah, make things into dicks. People buy dicks.

They don't buy eights. Yeah. How can you have... Titties and dicks. Yeah, yeah. Make something like a big fucking fleshy vulva. Yeah, make that. Make real dolls.

Yeah. Fuck ice cubes. Who needs ice cubes? Present dad. I'm a drunk. I see those ice trays. I go, that's going to dissolve in fucking seconds. Yeah. Fuck ice cubes. Who needs ice cubes? Present dad. I'm a drunk. I see those ice trays. I go, that's going to dissolve in fucking seconds. Yeah.

Give me, I want a giant chunk of ice. Yes. So what's bigger than a big butter? Yeah. Make that silicone into a rubber pussy. Jesus, you'll never run out of people. The possibilities are endless. Hook up with the Fleshlight people and Joe Roge rogan yeah that's our advice for you no i i really should but they were nice to you i know

i should have just taken this and run i should have done a fake commercial out of this hey do you ever want numbers for ice cubes well there's hope now you don't silly cone you don't even have a proper website i found you and and then Brian Hennigan googled this exact same spelling. He couldn't find you. You did find him. It wasn't instant. You had to search around.

It wasn't foolproof. Thank you, Silicone, for the four and eight ice cubes. I'm going to be drinking these alone in a foreign country. I'm going to have to learn how to say silicone and four and eight in Spanish. I want to endorse my own gift to myself, which is California's hangar vodka, and it is fucking awesome. I bought it myself.

They didn't send it to me, and it's fucking great, and it comes in a cool bottle i uh i uh that and the 42 below big joe actually sells both of those up at the uh where you get that yeah uh bisbee uh highway 92 fucking sandwich and what bisbee beverage that's it thank you honey it's like it's like it's like the hipster stop off before you get to Safeway. Listen, this is the best gift. And this came from a gift I got earlier in the 30-day thing. There was an advertisement on the back of this 1965 news year-in-review catalog-y thing. And on the back page was this book,'s fun to be a polak where you send in

yeah 75 cents plus a nickel or shipping or whatever and then you wait six to eight weeks to get this in the mail and i go that's gonna be this is from the era of x-ray specs and things like that 1965 okay so uh and this is the full back page is crack up your friends. You'll be the life of every party. It's fun to be a Polak. P-O-L-A-K. And the cover is a guy and a wife beater, a slumly alcoholic with a bulbous Ernest Borgnine nose,

carrying a beer with a garnish on the can and striped boxers. That's rather sophisticated for that era. But, yeah. It's fucking. So, now I'm going to crack up the party. Yeah. Hey, what is distinctive about a Polack airliner airliner polak like they use like i remember when polish jokes were still kind of popular when i was a kid uh-huh and even

uh they use polak where it's like that's a weird place to put it uh-huh like what's distinctive about a polish airliner i would we would say right it's still discriminatory yes and shitting on them but they've just put in polak like like if you were like if you're trying to do racist black jokes yes you'd say hey what what's a black airline like you wouldn't say what's a nigger airline like like it's just an inappropriate piling on of yes yo what is distinctive about a polack airliner it has hair under its wings is that see i don't know there's a terrible it's 1965 i know but i didn't realize i mean i i'm not entirely okay here's the thing uh We have a different Polak experience, so to speak, because we don't use the word Polak.

And the Polish people that came over to the UK were, frankly, they made the place better because you'll remember from your immigration program from Channel 4, they're good looking and they're effective in their work. So they actually improved the place. And what is it like when you talk about that like is like what's what does that mean polack like i don't understand necessarily what that means in american

culture it was just a derogatory word only because of polish jokes right if blonde jokes okay well where does this whole blonde people are stupid thing even come from i don't know i just understand that why the joke is funny i see but over the course of times this is a history in comedy for you over the course of book jokes yes i've heard the same jokes told about at least 10 different people like i like the polish jokes that would become iranian jokes during the iran hostage thing and then whoever libyan jokes whoever the enemy is or or the destitute people you just hear the same joke all right that's the same theory right so yeah i have no idea why Polish people were ever...

If you know the etymology of that, don't send it to me. Because every time I say, hey, send me that, 800 people send it to me. Yeah. But you did try his art. I appreciate that. You tried this art on Junior Stopka tonight. Yes, Junior Stopka. Oh, I zung him up the fucking...

Junior Stopka is going to LA. He's doing Last Comic Standing. He's got Last Comic Standing. It's bigger than football. This is Rudy. This kid is Rudy. Junior Stopka. He's a retarded Rudy. Take us onto the field.

That's the last theme in Rudy. The soundtrack. Absolutely. The biggest long shot and the funniest fucking dude. You tell that Norm Macdonald. You tell that Roseanne Barr. There's a kid coming to town and

they're judges on Last Comic Standing. Yeah. You'll feel the fucking weight. Yeah. Was there ever like, what was the last long horse? Long shot.

Long shot horse that won something big in America. Ah, shit. Buster Douglas is the first thing that comes to mind and that's 30 years ago. Junior stopped because the Buster Douglas of Last Comic Standing. And they're both

destitute right now. They're both punchy, probably drunk, and destitute. Junior Stopko, Last Comic Standing. Don't forget it. Hey, Junior Stopko. Yeah? Why are Polacks forbidden to swim in Lake Michigan? He should know that.

I know. He's right there. You're a Chicago boy. He's probably at Lake. He's with Andy Andrus right now. They called me drunk. Why are Polacks forbidden to swim in Lake Michigan in case there's no sign where you're standing? Because they leave a ring around the whole lake because you filthy

fucking Polacks by the way that was very good strategizing to have Andy Andrews hang out with Junior Stopka so that Junior Stopka can see in this twilight of his even song of his career no no no that's not right

in the beginning of his career he can see that if he doesn't fucking concentrate and get a fucking set together, you're sitting with the future right there. No, no, no. He does well. He does. He does well. He does. Junior Stopka understands.

He's going to fucking understand because if he doesn't clear the first round, I can't even talk about this. No, he's going to clear the first round. Yes. All right. We'll figure all that out. Okay.

What else? Let's quickly go to a break that we're not actually taking because we can't take a break because Chaley can't edit. So we can't stop talking. So I think, what are we at? What time are we at? I have no idea. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, we're fucking. Let's what time are we at i have no idea oh shit that's right yeah we're fucking let's get out of here we're gonna we have to close strong tomorrow

we have to either close strong or we close long we're actually we're only at 40 minutes that's all right we're still gonna go towards the close all right okay because tomorrow we close strong Or we close long If it stinks We'll just keep fucking kicking it And kicking it We'll make it a 5-6 hour fucking thing To the point where no one's gonna They're just gonna look and go

7 and a half hour podcast I'm not fucking doing that Your fans can do that Nah I don't If they do hour podcast. I'm not fucking doing that. Your fans can do that. No, I don't. If they do, they'll just be happy they made it all the way through. They won't even say that stunk. They'll just go, I did it. It's like a fucking marathon. You run a

marathon 26 miles and then you get shrapnel and you lost a leg at the end. You're not going, oh, that stunk. You go, I did it. I did it. I still crossed the finish line, and I stared across the fucking courtroom at that guy afterwards with my stump. You go, you didn't break me. I'm going to learn to run again on a spring.

All right. You get my point. What are you drinking, Doug? What am I drinking? I'm drinking my favorite Hawaii glass. That should be the picture of this penultimate podcast.

It should be the photographic... No, no, no. Don't take pictures like this. We take pictures like this every night, and I'm wearing the same clothes. I'm wearing the same fucking stinky, filthy clothes. I have to dress up tomorrow. You do. And we got to take some goddamn pictures in front of that trailer. Yeah.

I got the camera. All right. So what are you drinking? What's in the glass? Oh, someone on a UK girl. I think her name was Campbell. Hillary Campbell? Something Campbell?

Yep. She sent me some PDF of an old bartender book and then suggested via the tweeter that, hey, try the Charlie Chaplin tonight. And I went, that's great because I didn't have a drink planned and I didn't feel like looking up shit because Chaley was doing all that. And she said, oh, it's equal parts gin, liquor, liquor, liquor, gin, lemon and apricot brandy. And I go, That's easy.

It's fucking equal parts of the whole thing. And it stinks. You did say lemon, and we looked it up. Lime and lemon. It's the same. But here's the thing. I also did some investigating, because we looked at that fucking dog. Jesus.

Ichabod, shut the fuck up! That's how we did it. No fuck up no no no that was just one oh no how dare you defend that dog the we the she said you've been sold a pup a pig in a book

whatever it's called in the sense that yeah pig in a book you've been sold a pig in a book because again I you know it's great when people come up with suggestions, but it needed to be – Charlie Chaplin is actually slow gin. Slow gin, which is sweeter. It's made with – it's basically infused with what amounts to plums, which make a huge difference into this rather tart thing you're drinking just now.

I saw that when I went back to check the recipe. That's where I got the other recipe that said limes. And I went back to what you said because I saw slow gin yet again. And I went back to what you said when I said which type of gin. And you went, ah, they're all the same. Yeah, really. Yeah, but slow gin is different from, slow gin isn't like tankery or fucking gardens or whatever.

Slow gin's a different manifestation of gin. We didn't get into the conversation for long enough. And that fucking cunt Hillary Campbell from the UK. Oh, you're unbelievable. She just said gin. I know you have to shorten your tweets, but you don't cut out the most fucking specific part. The slogan.

Yeah, you cut out the greeting or the salutation. Yeah. Just tweet the exact recipe. Don't even tell me who you are or why you're tweeting. I skip most of them anyway. Fuck, I feel like I'm forgetting something. You are forgetting something. I don't know.

Oh, shit, the doctor. I went I don't know. Oh, shit. The doctor. I went to the doctor today. There you go. I went to the doctor to get my referral to a surgeon to get my hernias done after this. There's tea because you're quitting smoking. All right. You get done that.

Get that coffin out of your system, and then you can get your hernia and your mesh. And I went to the doctor down here at the clinic steps away, even though I drove the block and a half. I was late. I was trying to make a goddamn breakfast sandwich. And it was the

same doctor that looked at Bingo's skull the other day. He didn't remember me. He didn't remember me from when I saw him the first time when I was going to Australia. And I went in there to get my Xanax re-upped. And he goes, for flight anxiety, he goes, you want Valium. I was in the military. He's a retired lieutenant colonel. He was stationed at Masawa Air Base.

He had shit on his wall. And I'm like, you were at masawa air base yeah yeah like shit on his wall and i'm like you were at masawa i was i played there in 94 i opened for jimmy walker we uh me and becker were there uh later tour in 94 anyway he's like yeah he's like no you want valium valium's way better i used to fly overseas uh over all the time yeah of course you're a fucking pilot and the yeah lieutenant colonel doctor pilot yeah so so i went in and he's uh because i get the shoulder too which yeah uh has been uh diagnosed via this podcast which is as close to fucking john hopkins as you can get on the internet. Yeah. Through email, a woman claiming to be a woman and a massage therapist said almost definitely torn rotator cuff.

So I, I know that going in, I got that solid in the bank. Yeah. You rolled up there with the confidence of having Christian Barnard. I was laid over. I can't remember the town to save my life. Yes, I can. It's in a shitty part of town that they're gentrifying.

God damn it. I remember the neighborhood. I went to a Mexican restaurant, and I waited to go at Chaley's down the street. Fuck, I remember everything about it. I laid over the merch booth when I first found my ventral hernia. Oh, I remember. It was a plastic table. Yeah, the plastic merch table. And I had some.

I don't talk off mic, honey. You know better. Sorry. She's shouting off mic. It's slightly better. It's better. It's not Gretchen-ing if you're shouting. You're good.

I'm just saying, stifle yourself, Edith. Or as we call you, PF. Archie Bunker. Stifle yourself, Edith. Oh, I didn't realize that. Oh, jeez. Different reference altogether. Wow. I tried to. Archie Bunker, stifle yourself. Oh, I didn't realize that. Different reference altogether. Wow. I try to do Archie Bunker.

It still comes out fucking jerky, boys. I know. So it's going. You're diagnosed. So I go in there, and I said, I just need a referral to a surgeon. I got two hernias going on. I got a ventral hernia and an inguinal. a surgeon. I got two hernias going on. I got a ventral hernia

and an inguinal. Then I also have what seems to be a torn rotator cuff. He goes, they're not going to fix that. There's no way. I'm like, great. That was one less thing. I don't want to do these things. I feel like I should get

surgeries while I have my insurance in place. And he just dismisses that they're not going to, they're not going to fuck with someone your age having a, yeah, he's cut to the hernias. So I go the ventral and I take off my shirt and I do the sit up that makes it pop out like alien.

He goes, Oh, there, yeah, there it is. It's definitely that. Yeah. Oh yeah.

And, uh, and he goes, what about the Inguinal? How'd you, how did you know you had that? And I go, I'm a standup that. Oh, yeah. And he goes, what about the Inguinal? How did you know you had that? And I go, I'm a stand-up comic. And I yell a lot.

And he's like, oh, stand-up comic. I had another stand-up comic in here. Wait, is that you? I go, yeah. He goes, you were going to Australia. I said, yeah. And you gave me Valium. You talked me into Valium instead of Xanax.

And I cursed you for a month because that shit didn't work at all. He's like, that's weird. Most people, it works better, but I'll give you Xanax again. Don't worry about it. When do you go back out? I go, not till Canada, till June.

So no hurry. And he's like, okay. And then he's like with the Inguinal. Now I was kind of paying i don't like to fucking take my fucking dick out in front of people that aren't gonna be horrified like i don't mind taking my dick out if no one's expecting it oh right i see i see a park or something right okay but when you have to take your dick out, and doctors, especially a retired lieutenant colonel, is going to just fucking man up.

So I'm worried the whole time. All right, you're going to have to take your dick out for him to poke. That's your groin. Oh, I see. Your fat upper dick area is where your fucking hernia is. Oh. In that crease. Yeah.

So I'm wearing my pajama pants and he's like, all right, yeah, just show me the inguinal. I'm starting to pull down my pants on the table. He's like, stand up. He's sitting in a chair. And I'm like, all right. And I get, I could pull it down with my thumb and then keep the

underwear up over my junk, but I don't want to look like a fucking pussy, so I just fucking drop my trowel, and he's kind of almost face level, a little higher than face level with my fucking cock and balls, and you see him viscerally turn away a bit, like, you didn't need to do that. You could have just thumbed half of it down you

fucking faggot i'm still remember on the trail today when i started making a and you go what's the matter i go nothing and you just thought it was one of my quirky things i thought about that moment where i just made a hugely bad choice of just dropping my fucking and i thought about that and i audibly expressed it while we're walking the dogs up the horse trail and i went oh what's the matter nothing just uh making weird sounds which i and hit but after that though his diagnosis. Well, as he's like, yeah, yeah, that's definitely he put his index fingers. He three finger poked it with these three. And he has a cough for me.

And you're right back to third grade. Yeah. Checking you for hernias. Why was that fucking necessary? That's going to be the biggest pedophile thing ever. Has anyone ever looked into that? Every kid had to get hernia checked. I never had that.

In Massachusetts, it was a thing. Put it on a plate. Pops, put it on a plate. What? That was Bobby Shane used to say that about the hernia check. We didn't know what it meant, but we laughed our asses off. I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah, it was a fucking hernia check.

They didn't check us for anything else. I mean, i guess you get measles shots or something but yeah you'd have to go down and get fucking hernia checks hey jeff my brother my brother doesn't fucking listen to this podcast you dick you borrow money from me but you don't fucking listen to my stupid podcast he's like yeah he's like fucking you're gonna listen now aren't you yeah one of these tiny European countries. Yeah, we're going to fucking start telling Jeff Stanhope stories. I'll name the podcast that.

Let's find out what happened with the hernias in Massachusetts. But the point is, so he's on the computer. I'll find you a surgeon. It's probably going to be Sierra Vista. You don't want to do it right here in town. Okay, gotcha. Or Tucson, whatever you like.

And then as I'm typing away, I said, the ventral, a ventral hernia is where your six-pack is, like those muscles split down the middle. They're tenuously attached anyway. So they're not attached. So right beneath your breastplate. Yeah, but what's this clitoris at the bottom of your rib cage? That xiphoid process, I think she knows, but it's not the bone. It's whatever.

Sternum. Sternum, thank you. That's what I was looking for, not xiphoid process. Thank you, Bingo. Thank you. She's our man in the booth. It splits open. So when you do a sit-up, your innards kind of come between the two walls of muscle and make an alien head.

Yeah. And I said, I don't really need to get that fixed, do I? Because there's no chance of that getting strangulated. I could just ignore that one. And he spins around from his laptop and he goes, you can ignore both of them. And I go, really? He goes, yeah. He said, I have probably two bilateral hernias.

I've had them for like 33 years. And I've never once in 30-something years of doing this heard of anyone having a strangulated hernia. And if you did, you'd probably have warning. There'd be pain. And I just don't do it. When you sit down a lot, I have to sit through classes. We'd have to sit through classes. Yeah, I'd get pain down my legs.

But yeah, other than that, I'm like, like oh you can just ignore it which is my default process i know but i feel you're taking advice from somebody who's like giving advice to you as if you're on the fucking beach at iwo jima going like well well can he make it to the front line and he's going sure even more of a reason to bite on this brian because that is a fucking old crusty clint eastwood lieutenant colonel retired hamburger whatever parentheses r.e.t. lieutenant colonel marine corps saying you can be a man follow your instinct man yeah that was my instinct colonel it was my instinct is ignore it and then i came to you and you you're the but this is the guy seconded the vote wait this is the hang on okay

this is then i go to the shoulder oh yeah and i go so this i can just like that's the alleged torn rotator cuff yeah well he said almost every shoulder problem is a rotator cuff and then he went through these you know series of things like range of motion things okay to see which muscle because there's a lot of muscles that connect to the rotator cuff and uh like all right do it this way well that's weird because usually if you have a torn rotator, this is the problem. Believe me, I know I have both of my rotator cuffs have been torn for 30 years. I know it's weird, but I'm at an age where your doctor has had every problem you have. So he's got double hernias. I get two hernias.

He's got two hernias. I have a fucking rotator cuff. He has two torn rotator cuffs and I've lived with him for 30 years. Both of them 30 years. And my wife has a torn rotator cuff. You know, there's some exercises you can do. Sometimes if you sleep on it, funny. Sometimes we have to switch sides of the bed.

Just live with it. Suck it up, faggot. This guy has the secret to how Obamacare is going to work because he's basically saying nothing needs treated. He said, you know what? I can send you to a surgeon because I go, I'm kind of with you on this just ignore it thing. He goes, really?

Because he stops typing for a minute. He goes, yeah. He goes, I can send you, but it's a surgeon. A surgeon is going to tell you you need surgery because that's what surgeons do. Yeah. And he's got my confidence. He also, when I showed him the ventral, he did, I'm going to squeeze on your belly here, and he squeezed around.

He goes, your liver, that's not big. And one other, you had me at liver. One other organ is fine, but when he said my liver is fine, You had me at liver. One other organ is fine. But when he said my liver is fine, because I've had other doctors when we're in the depths of a road binge, including mother's secret doctor. Yeah. He goes, yeah, it feels like there's definitely damage there.

But liver is resilient. Don't worry about it. Oh, gee. Yeah. Well, that guy was hammered out in front of a bar. This guy's at least at work. All right. He's a sober Marine. Ex-Marine.

You're never an ex-Marine. You're always a Marine. So the fucking, you know, the denouement is? He said this about the rotator cuff, which made perfect sense. He goes, you know what? You know, this is a rotator cuff. That can be a career- ending injury for a professional athlete and he said uh he said and these guys have the best medical care you can get they have the best surgeons they have

the and that doesn't even work i'm like all right so yeah i'm'm fucked. If you can't fix whoever, John Elway, they're not fixing a fucking Doug Stano, your fruit. Now beat it with your wines and your lumps. And then at the end, he goes, well, all right, I'm just going to write down, we'll keep an eye on the hernias. How funny. And I'm going to give you, I want to say neosporin. That's a napraxin, something, some anti-swelling. Inflammatory. Yeah. How funny. And I'm going to give you, I want to say Neosporin.

That's a napraxin, something, some anti-swelling. Inflammatory. Yeah, for the shoulder. And he goes, well, why don't I just, so you don't have to come back. I'll just fill your Xanax prescription for Canada. Good. For June. We'll do it now. I'll just double it.

Good. Oh, you're doing Europe and UK after that Allegedly Maybe my doctor knows a little bit more Than you know The Okay So yeah he sent me home with all the answers I wanted

And Xanax And that's what I'm taking from my last night in the trailer I'm gonna have one more of these Overly fucking Tart Charlie Chaplains Tart Chaplain got an edge

Later years Not like fucking Shirley Temple's They're kind of sweet Do we have that What's that goddamn Grenadine Grenadine's a fucking monster. All right.

I'll just can this and we'll do one more of something else. Okay. One thing I do want to. You have talked about before. We have to get your fucking teeth looked at. Yeah. Yeah. Especially what you mean after that fucking bar rescue boondoggle where I don't look at

these teeth. If I had to brush these teeth on fucking 60 inches of high definition, I might have gotten some caps. If it turns out you're coming at some point to LA, you're going to the guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just get out of the public eye.

That might be easier. A fucking hijab would save a lot of work. I have no idea what that means keep going is there anything else you have to what's on your list that's it the word of the day

word of the day and the second to last song of the day I love everyone who tweets me with your favorite songs from this first of all I love that you listen to with your favorite songs from this. First of all, I love that you, you listen to the whole thing and that you're paying attention.

And most of you are exactly on my page with the ones that are my favorites. We'll do this tomorrow on the last podcast. But yeah, there's a, there's a, there's a couple, there's two that I would be torn between and I'm trying to make it hard on you, but I did front load some fucking monsters.

You did. But yeah, we'll see. It's a nice. It's a standalone. So your choice for the penult is what? Well, we got to do word of the day. Oh, sorry. Word of the day is brought to you by silicone.

If you can find them. If you want numbers in your drink instead of block ice cubes. If you just can't use whipping cream from a fucking aerosol can. Barthenia, why do you look so down? Barthenia? I don't get that. What? Do it.

Get in there. We can't edit. You got to jump up. All right. Too late. We were practicing a fake commercial earlier. Oh, sorry. Okay.

This podcast is brought to you by It's Fun to Be a Polack. Illustrated, written, and compiled by Ed Zubzkiwicz and Jerome Kuligowski and Harvey Krolka. Jerry K. also. Yeah, it's fun to be a Polack. I don't want to waste all this material. We have to fill tomorrow. All right, the word of the day. Contamelius.

Boom. Dang. Contamelius? Yeah. Whatever does a Contamelius mean? Yeah.. Contamelius? Yeah. Whatever does a contamelius mean? Yeah. I'll tell you what it is. How many of the words of the day?

Someone actually did tweet their favorite word of the day was, I think, punctilious. That was the last one I saw. Punctilious. Contamelius means insolently humiliating And abusive Contemptuous Insulting I love how many words of the day I just picked Because I either want to be described

As that I feel some connection To the word Contamelius what what are you going to say I think a lot of the words of the day And I know you hate this But a lot of the words of the day the ones you know you hate this, but a lot of the words of the day, the ones you like the most are the ones that sound the most fucking Latin. And that is why Latin should still be taught in schools, in preference to fucking French, Spanish, or any other fucking language. Latin is the dog's bollocks.

Like, contumelious. It's clearly derived i mean like you can imagine there was an emperor contumelious and he was particularly scathing of his subjects and yeah so latin should still be taught in schools and it'd be far more interesting and far more relevant than most of the fucking languages that people are are taught and remember nothing about. If you get Smartfuck Magazine online, this is some of the clickbait that you get. Top five fucking stupidest languages of all time. Old Latin emperors that are underrated.

Contamelius, number one. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. Top five underrated are, again, Smartfuck Magazine, like French, overrated. Italian, overrated. German, actually quite good.

But, you know, fuck the rest of them. Latin's the dogs. It's the dog's bollocks. It's the mutts' nuts. It's the cat's pajamas. Grab a cocktail. Ladies and gentlemen, I love the fact that you've been here this long. I think it would be hilarious if tomorrow I just tweeted,

listen, I'm drinking and smoking again, so there's not going to be a last podcast. I've plotted a million ways to fuck you out of tomorrow but i can't do it just kind of like i couldn't fuck over that piece of shit john taffer on bar rescue i i feel some obligation you're very human i hate it about myself because uh i don't i don't respect it and others that's not true uh this is uh this song uh fucking magic dick sweat all over me uh playing this song with this giant fucking afro and i think beard and maybe his hairier and in my recollection 1980 at the worcester centrum i saw them on new year's eve and when they fucking burst into this song

this song will just crush anywhere any Any party, any fucking moat. This is, yeah, there ain't no lyrics. This is just fucking house party. J. Giles, magic dick. Wham-a-jam-a, let me hear ya! Do-do-do-do! You gonna get it crazy tonight? You gonna get it crazy tonight?

I can down to it. I said, are you gonna get it crazy? I can down to it. I said, you gonna move it, move it, move it, move all right get it out of sight and get it down, baby Yeah, whamajamba let me hear you Come on, baby! Thank you. Thank you. Yeah! Thank you.