The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Depp's Rum & Kenny's Scum

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

Video Version Doug and Bingo leave town to attend the launch of Johnny Depp's rum, Three Hearts, while cashing in on their celebrity in both LA and Tucson to varying degrees of success. Kenny uses their absence as an opportunity to move into (well, onto) the FunHouse and Derrick forgets to buy discounted bacon Check out Stanhope's sport coat and Bingo's vintage clothes on eBay: https://www.ebay.com/usr/stinkchickenIf you’re 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE @ https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpodSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Some of you guys already know this, but Matt Becker, anytime there's a murder, suicide, they do an autopsy, and I was waiting just to find out that he didn't have fucking terminal cancer, which is bullshit. But Anchorage PD came back. The remains they found were not Matt Becker. So I don't know where that leaves all of us, but that wasn't him. and it had his ID and whatnot in the pockets, but the shotgun, so he could still be out there. And I would have just typed this up, but, yeah, that would have fucked with Becky for an April Fool,

so I just did it this way. Okay, okay. I was going to write that and just put it out. the April, Matt Becker, April Fool's, to just write it up because I could be a little bit more in-depth. But then it would either have to say April Fool's at the very end of the post, or I'm going to cause a lot of problems.

Yeah. I think it was funny the way we did it. But did you fall for it? For a second. Kenny did though, didn't he? Oh, I was watching him. I mean, if you had that on tape, I didn't expect what you said, so I would have been recording if I knew it was to freak out.

You know, of course, because he thinks Matt's, he's second on the list or whatever. Who? Kenny. Kenny. He thinks so? He'd think so. He's so paranoid. Kenny's, yeah.

Matt just killed everybody in left Alaska. He's coming for me first. I don't think if he just had a spare bullet that he wanted to get rid of. he'd volunteer shooting Kenny. Right. How can you do anything worse to Kenny? I would take the joy and choking him out, even if I had a gun. Yeah, let's open with Derek's Kenny Minute,

because we've been gone for a week, and we've had a great time. And since, and I don't know how this happened, but I'm very sure. I had the idea that it would be funny, and I really got to write down that term that you gave me. In fact, I'm going to, I don't have a, that's it called when you keep a guy for fun. Ornamental hermit. Ornamental hermit. That is a thing.

Have you heard this there? I've never heard of it, but it sounds like. It's a thing that they did in the olden times where people of status would just keep a Kenny around. Is that you showing me something about it? We should really think about this. Like forever. Well, that, yeah. Help Derek out.

Yeah, but we didn't know it was actual a thing. And whatever, the 1600s or 1500? Yeah, you were showing me something about that. Ornamental hermit. I like this idea, and I have my own house, so I'm cool with this. Your crawl space is not bad. His is better. I would have issues with him coming and going.

You'd ever know when he's there. Yeah, I'd want him there all the time, but not necessarily. in sight. Right. Up on the roof. He stayed up on the... See, this is what... I had the idea it would be funny to put Kenny on the roof while I was gone of the

fun house up on the deck. There's a big deck up there, and so... And I have that tent, but you put up your... But the next day I said, yeah, I really... I told Kenny. I said, yeah, I thought that through, and it's... Yeah, that was like a high drunk idea that seemed funny at the time. that seemed funny at the time.

That's why you hit me up at one o'clock in the morning to do it. Because I was on, this ain't happening. Doug said, nah. And then one o'clock in the morning's like, let's go get your tent. I'm like, I guess, why not? You're not in my house. I don't give a fuck. I did whatever it took.

We know what it's like to collapse under pressure. Again, welcome to Cribs. This is a very, very elegant one-bedroom. studio no kitchen no bath but we have the minis

we have the TV which I need the internet code for by the way we can have to next we can get that for you I had to use my hot spot last night and it only allowed me so much

you're off he lost nine already yes we set up it like one in the morning do you get kicked out of Steve's no no well I left Steve's it was business opportunity. Yeah, it was a business opportunity here, so I had to take it.

So Stanhope does not you know. Yes. I got it. Stanhope does know. Of course. Of course he does. I just wouldn't think it. It's like, well, yeah, you want to leave my house? I'll do whatever. Well, let me get, yeah, let me get to that store. So I don't know if you put it out yet. I got a, I got hooked up with the good feet store because I have really bad fucking feet and my arches and planter There's fasciitis. And so the guy at the good feet store. Yeah, someone else got a pair of just a pair of new shoes. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Barry the lead. Go ahead with your story. Yeah. So we got all hooked up. I got all these arches and whatnot. The four different sets for different things. And a pair, we both got a pair of free shoes. and the guy's a big fan and it was giddy with excitement

just to have hooked us up. What an experience, experience of a lifetime right here, I gotta tell you, pretty, pretty crazy. You don't owe me anything, though. I definitely just want to make sure that you're more comfortable, especially on stage and whatnot, so everything's already rung up. Look at her sneakers.

And he said, bingo, do you have foot problems? And she pointed out she's got one joint knuckle that always hurts, and he goes, oh, yeah, I'll set you up too. I can fix this. Yeah, I can fix it. So we think that's on the fucking sleeve too. Show up today and I go, this will be funny because it's a, we're the first, it's 10 a.m.

when they open, we get the first slot so it could get in and get out. So I got my box. And it's supposed to be with Guy that we know. Joe, yeah, Joe. It's supposed to be with him. So I walk, and I crawl through the door, I holding my thing. I crawl screaming in agony about how my feet, you did this to me.

What has you done to my feet? Crawling. And there's a wall right here so the rest of the store can't see me, but I know it's only gonna be. The guy is with a patient at the time, an old man, and he's making the scene. I can't see the guy because I'm down here, but I know that we've been waiting since

10 to 10. So no one went through that door. Well, it turns out this old guy with a fucking rattling the fucking door early to get let in. And he was a complainer too. So I crawl around the corner and I see the one guy, the other worker, like boogie into the back in embarrassment. And this guy sticks his head out of a booth and he goes, you must. He must be Doug Stanhope. On the floor. And then he turns to, and I don't see the guy.

And then he turns to the old guy. He goes, he's a comedian. And then he goes, proceeds to say, well, I'm really sorry, John. I'd like to make this right, but I can't help you. What have you done to my feet? I can't walk with these things. My feet have turned it in. Jello. Oh God. Oh Lord, this is the worst thing. The pain is horrific. You got to be Doug

Stan. Hello. Hello. Yeah, as far as it. You got to be ducked down. He's like, oh God. So yeah, I walked in and I probably saved his ass. I got the guy out of there quicker. But then the guy, our guy's not there. Joe, that was going to hook up. Bingo, he's not there. But don't worry, I'll take care you and goes through the whole fucking whatever process and we'll walk around with this and this is explaining how all the physiology. But we find out that he has practically been to our house in Bisby before.

Mm-hmm. Because his grandfather... So where do you... Derek? He says, uh... Do you guys live here? He used to live in the area, and I said, no, Bisby. He goes, oh, my grandfather's from Bisby.

So I used to go down there all the time. On Van Dyke. On Van Dyke. And I go, we live on Van Dyke. So he goes, it was like 221. We're like, we're two. David Summers? Yeah.

He's like, that's my grandfather. He goes, he's dead now. Yeah, we know that. but he probably died with the sounds of our parties ringing in his ears still because he was a sweetheart so yeah that that kid grew up down here and you know and he's a kid too he's probably no more than 30 yeah so we get along over that and bonded over that and then then he's bargain breaks out the price sheet after 45 50 minutes Go on. So if you want the full thing, that's the brown column and the red column, if you just want the three fittings, and I'll let you talk about it, and we're both going, what the fuck?

We just get out of there with all free shit and two pairs of brand new shoes last week. Now, $1,500 later, I fucking caved in. I'm like, I can't fucking do this. Average customer me could, but not Doug Stanhope. I'm just fucking. and got free shoes and get the free works and everything. Did we put out that commercial yet? I'll tell you this, though. When we were in L.A., I was suited up, and that's all I wore was for two days. I wore a suit, so I had to have my white flat fucking driving loafers on. And two days after having done this for this long, fucking horrific.

Like trying to walk without these in now. Oh, my God. It's like, yeah, it's just collapsing all over again. It sucked. So, yeah, these things do work. I don't know if they work kind of like drug addiction, where you just have to get harder and harder, higher arches and insoles. They get you hooked.

We'll find out. But, yeah, that fucking sucks shit. How much were mine altogether? It was $1,529 with the tax. And she doesn't really have bad arches. She has that one-knuckle thing. I know, I know. We were suckered.

So don't feel bad. And when Kenny comes tonight, he was fucking raging. I saw him, I called him, and he just immediately started going on about Kenny. Kenny doesn't do his dishes. Well, I didn't realize Kenny's been at my house the whole fucking time. So he's been doing Kenny's dishes. At our house. When I went home and cleaned up the pancake mix all over the counter that he left at my house.

Oh, Lord Jesus. he did come to pick up his pancake mix. I won't even make pancakes at my house. It's too fucking messy. He got the entire counter, the little one covered in pancake mix, but I don't know how he covered the entire long counter in pancake mix.

At your house or an overall. I go like this on my hand, and I'm like, that's like half a box where it's right there on the counter. And he makes spaghetti, three burners covered in spaghetti sauce. I guess the one he uses doesn't get spaghetti sauce and the other three.

I'm just not figuring that out. How does that fucking work? He did send pictures, too. You did send some pictures. Oh, the cigarette, the ashtray. Holy fuck. You let him smoke in the bedroom? No.

I didn't know he was fucking smoking in there. I never smelled it. If he was smoking in there, I would have been like, give me a fucking cigarette before you go smoke in my bedroom. Oh, wowee. Yeah, I didn't even know he was smoking in there.

So he's like, I never know when he's there or not. Okay. You know, he just be like 11 o'clock in the morning and Rob called looking for, Brock the Rob called looking for him and I'm like, I don't know if he's here or not. And then Rob. Mad Rob? Yeah. He pulled up in my driveway and then he's like, we're supposed to go to work.

He says he's here. And I'm like, if he says he's here, I guess he's fucking here. And then he comes walking out. It's good thing you have clothes on and I'm not. Didn't he have to be in a wheelchair a week ago for his back? Yeah. He's only got more bitchy about. I had Andrea come over and cup us last night at the Fun House because neither one of us could walk.

And he just looked at me and says, mine were redder. Like that's an indication of something. He's trying to get out of his house before Kenny shows up so he can get to my house. Oh, yeah, and then they're walking up together. I just turned around. And I saw them together. And I'm like, what the fuck is he got Kenny from him? I'm at my breaking point.

He caught him in midway and then started to walk with him. So Derek just said, I'm going back. Yeah, we didn't see Derek. Kenny showed up at my house alone. I'm like, where's Derek? What do you say? Where did he decided to walk back? He said to text you.

I don't know. I went and laid down. Okay. I got a new couch, and I have not sat in it until today. And it's really nice. I got it from Sean, so he hooked me up on the price. My recliners are getting worn out, so I needed the couch. I saw one.

I knew Sean would help me out, so I got a good price. What was the price? 175. Then I immediately broke my fucking phone. How'd you break you throwing it at K? Getting into the S-10. It always falls out of my pocket because it seems... Why is it, by the way, why is the S-10 have fucking tape over the taillight?

If it's there, it hasn't been there a while. It's taped. It might have been, but it wasn't... I think it's been there for a couple years and I didn't do it. All right. I don't have to look at it, but I don't remember anything to do with it. All right. I could explain it when I see it.

So it fell out of that. That's a hole. So it fell out of my pocket right as I was shutting the door. So it got a nice corner of the door mark on it, and it smacks it to where it didn't just fuck up the screen. It broke the phone. Okay. So I tried everything. Andrea did an hour and a half of, she worked really hard trying to get it.

it, but between two stoners me. And Bree had saved all my passwords and shit in a special thing. And I called her and was like, I need help. And she's like, oh, I got all that. All I need is your four-digit code, which is my four-digit code for everything. And I had all my passwords and everything in it. And I'm all back to, I got my contacts. Is it like 1223 or 1229, whatever your birthday is?

No, it's hell upside down. 7-7-34 you just said that on the podcast yeah you know what's out there what are you gonna do steal my debt yeah my password for everything is the same on but hotmail made me change it recently so i reversed it and then i put it in reversed and it didn't work and i'm like i'm fucked like i don't know any of my passwords and luckily brie had had saved that for me It's just some kind of file that she had on the cloud that she, yeah, just give me that four-digit code. Well, everybody knows it now, so you can ask anybody. I don't even know how to get it if you told me to get in it right now.

I couldn't do it. Maybe they can't. Did you stay in the tent with Kenny at all? I went up there purposely to wake him up in the morning because he just walks in my house all time. I'm like, I'm just walking that up. And he didn't fucking move. Oh, no. fucking roof and then right up to the door like Kenny

Kenny you fucking blink yeah he uh he texted me for money can you like uh send me uh money oh yeah and uh I'm like how do I do I do I send you money and he said well you could send it to Derek on his Zelle or you could send it to the Aussies on their uh Venmo well I'm like well you didn't give me either of those Derek and get his... Well, he was trying to get me to do it. And I'm like, you can text Doug that you need money like that. Yeah, and didn't we, there was some kind of split where you're his manager, you get a cut,

and they fucking put it together, and they get a cut, and I just get a cut because I don't, I want Kennedy to have it all. Nah. He could give it to me and rent. would help a little. I mean, I fucking feed him and give him weed, and he lives in my house, and I can't even

feed my fucking self. What's that shit? What's it like ham hawks or something in the fucking funhouse freezer? Oh, that was Floyd. We said, Floyd, if you have any food, I forgot to throw that away, and I forgot my blueberries. So the ham hawks,

what? Floyd just gave us whatever he had that he could, like, because we said Kennedy's food. So he gave you hammocks. And dates that were like rocks. Kitty started to bite one and I'm like, don't fucking bite that. You're going to break your tooth.

Yeah, it was all. A can of salmon, which is edible, but I have tuna. Yeah, I had a bunch of tuna there, but I didn't know. I knew you were going to stay in the little house. That was the whole plan. When we left, you were going to stay in the little house with fucking meatwig.

We had a good time. Yeah, so actually it sounded like you and Kenny having a good no me and me wig fuck kenny me like me like actually came out to the fun house and hung out and uh yeah we were chilling when it was me and him oh listen uh this is indecloud indecloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary everything gummies vapes pre-rolls edibles zero calorie THC sodas uh you know that i'm a huge fan of the gummies and i a huge fan of never leaving my house. And that's why Indicloud is perfect. And all Indicloud products are federally legal THC. Everything sold is DEA certified and lab tested. Don't ask a lot of questions.

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And thanks to Indicloud for sponsoring. Our early 420. We went up to Tucson and hung out with Bertine and her new husband, Jeff. And that was very cool. They're like right at the bottom of Mount Lemmon now. And there's just a sweet place of a pool that was freezing. Which I felt bad because we stayed the night before at the airport hotel because Hennigan was getting in late.

So I go to the hotel and I go, well, I don't really need to shower because I'll be jumping in a pool. So, yeah, I'll take this six days worth of filth off. In their pool? Yeah. And then it was cold. See, you wouldn't have told them, but they would have known you well enough to know what you were going to do. It usually gives it away when you say swimming tub as you jump in. Yeah.

So, yeah, I hadn't seen Hennigan in for, since Vegas. Hennigan was fun. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah, it was nice to see him. And we don't have any plans specifically, but we are working on doing the Taylor Swifting, probably towards the end of 2026. Yeah. Taylor Swifting, all the best of.

I wouldn't say greatest hits because a lot of them weren't hits. You could make them into hits. I need to interject. That was my first drink since, in like six or seven months. Yeah, yeah. Kenny drove me to fucking drinking. Oh, yeah, you're our driver, too. Yeah.

You're the driver. I drove, yeah. I'm fine now. We'll see how I am after this. We'll be fine. He did say that. He said, let's call Kenny and make him walk here and then drive us back. I said, well, come home.

We're going to podcast. Come over afterwards for a happy hour cocktail. And you can, I go, that's right. You don't drink. And he goes, bug you know, I'm drinking now. Anytime I'm on a podcast. I'm like, all right, come on the podcast. Wait, who said that?

Derek, today. Oh, so. It's so hard. This is my last drink, it looks like. I think I'm driving. It's almost impossible to see here sober. Okay. Try to have a conversation with you guys.

What the fuck? With us guys. I thought it was all about Kenny. Well, because you're patient and you make sense. Yeah, I've been deal. I used to say deal with Kenny was like a 14 or 12 year old. It's like a fucking five year old. He is helpless.

He's completely helpless. I mean, the only thing he can do is wipe his ass and make a mess. I am really, I pithed off. You're gonna have some, you're gonna have more cat sitting work. Because. Yeah. Bertines. We agreed to cat sit for Bertine up in Tucson for four days in May when she's in Italy,

and then two weeks in June. I think it was two weeks or ten days. I think it was ten days. Yeah. I'm like, we're going to have to hire a cat sitter, to cat sit our cat while we're cat sitting. Yeah. But they are in Tucson where it's going to be 120 to go.

and they have a pool, which should be warm by then. I'm gonna get a pool, I'm getting a kiddie pool. Yeah, we should throw some ragers, or at least stage some. Not throw the rangers, but just like. But make it look like birthday parties like they had someone throw. And she was like, yeah, you're fired. It didn't even dawn on me till you said something that, like she's saying, yeah, and then we had this lady, but she's horrible.

She really takes advantage as... She didn't say she's horrible. She said it in a very routine way. A very polite way to say she was awful. She said it very... Yeah. She's got some troubles. Yeah.

She's working on that. She's working it out. Tony Camine joke about, you know, the McDonald's, they hire special needs, and you have to be patient with them. You know what? Sometimes it takes a little bit more. Timmy, I asked for a Big Mac,

and a large fry and you gave me a sponge and a clock. So she's talking about how her cats hit her like this. I'm like, wait, you said, well, I can do it. I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah. Why can't we? Yeah. Yeah, it's harder than it sounds. No, I did it for summer there.

I took care of that evil cat. I did too, but I only did it for a week. Yeah. Kenny's ten times harder to take it. care of the meat wig. I believe that. Yeah, yeah, no, Kenny. I need the money, too, to feed Kenny if he's going to continue to eat my food and stay at my house, which you can't stay at my house anymore. Really, he just can't. I'm sorry if I got off track or whatever we were talking. Yeah, that's what are you going to do tonight when he comes. I'm going to tell him, hey, my friend is

coming Thursday. He already knows he has to get his shit out of him. Luke from Austin. Luke from Austin. You have a friend, Luke from Austin. Yeah. No, he's Keith Ray's friend that comes. They did a show on service the last time. It was a really good show. Did we met him? I don't think so.

No, I don't think so. It'd be nice if you could this time. I think he's a fan. But he stayed at my house before and he gets up and clean something and then leaves. How many bedrooms? You have three bedrooms. Yeah. So Kenny could, like...

Well, last time when Peram came, he just moved the shit into the front room and laid on the spot where Param's cat had just pissed. That was a murder room. You know what? In the murder room. In all the Becker stuff, we were trying to, like, quantify all of the tragedies that have happened. And I don't think Footloose even came into the picture. Yeah, but that's one.

Because it was only traumatizing to me in Footloops. And Devere almost died. Yeah, yeah. Deborah was, Deborah made it all about Deborah. But yeah, no, that was pretty,

that was pretty fucking hardcore. Yeah, my house was full of blood. I mean, not like, not like shining, for a house by fucking tweaker. Well,

she tried to blow my house up and kill us all. So, yeah, it was pretty intense. Yeah. That's up there. It's worthy. Yeah.

Instead of her head, which if she just shot her head off, that would have been a whole different fucking deal. It's a way bigger deal than like our house fire, which I mean it was a real pain. Yeah, I still don't have carpet. Why, is it still being held as evidence? No, they came for the biohazardic cleanup and the spots they couldn't get clean, they just removed.

Wow, I would have kept it. Standing on the blood spot. Ah, you, standing on the blood spot. Well, that was part of the victim's advocate thing. I was trying to get them just come over and put per go to whatever that floor is called in for 500 bucks. And they spent $2,000 to have my one spot in my living room floor clean, which bleached it. And then the other spot they couldn't clean, so they just cut it out. And I removed the carpet from the front room because it was so fucked up.

I'm like, I don't want 12. I'd rather have no carpet than a whole carpet with a dozen holes in it. Yeah, it makes sense. So I just took it out. So anyways, I don't have carpet still and Kenny finally just the other day fixed a hole in the murder room

because the one in the living room was getting to me and I didn't know it until he fixed. He fixed the one in the living room like, well, I feel better. I didn't notice that seeing that hole there everything was bothering me. So I had him fix the hole in there and I cleaned it out and got it all back.

This is the third fucking time. I've made it all game room, set up all games, got everything plugged in, and then get it forgot shot. Be honest with yourself and dig deep. What is the draw for Kenny? Is it like, but I really like playing video game? No, he's a freeloader. He'll stay anywhere he can as long as, if I don't tell him to leave, he'll never.

That's why I made him leave when I was in Missouri, because I'll come back and it'll be like, he'll never fucking leave. I can tell him, get the fuck out of my house and he won't leave. Yeah, after 30. days too. I told him the day, I know the rules, so I told him when he came there. You can't stay here because he was showing up after I went to bed and going in the back room and I'd wake up and all of a sudden Kenny come walking out of the room at 11 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, oh fuck, I didn't even know you were here. He would show up after I went to bed. Where does he go when

you tell him you can't stay here? Back to the ex. Some guy, Jeff and Galena. Okay. I know he said Steve for a minute Well then he had his dad back His bag must be a miraculous recovery From wheelchair and he can't move off the couch If he's on top of the fun house And I pack a bowl in the fun house

You can get down them goddamn stairs pretty quick Same as my brother The one time my brother Fucking was expecting a call And he's all like I can't walk I can't walk, and he's expecting to call for my girl, so I called the house phone. And he got up and ran to that phone.

And when I was on the other end, he was about ready to murder my... Oh, you can't walk, really? Let's see how good you could walk. And then when he did, I was like, yeah, that was a dick move, but also... Maybe he got conned into $1,500 fucking insoles that let him sprint like them. We could have used that to get rid of... We can't use that money just to put him on a butt. Let's tell him we're, let's tell him we're racing across the country and then me just not go.

Exactly. So what are you going to tell him when he shows up tonight? Tell him, what do you mean when he shows up? You're probably saying he's not allowed to stay there. He'll wait till I'm 1 o'clock in the morning and when I go to bed. You can't lock the door? It's iffy on the front door. the front door it locks if I don't lock the dead bull it won't it's you can't just say no to him

even if I lock the door he's just going to be in my backyard which is way more awkward when my neighbors are like what the fuck's that tweaker they literally were like because what happens if you say no i'll just wake up to him in the backyard or he'll just wait until him gone and forget to lock the house and just go in like it's his place i don't know what happens if i say nobody go I don't know I'm at the end of my row came real quick where it was like

Are you in love with him? Of course we got to fucking get this over with I mean what is it He's a slob and you know I'm like I texted you I'm OCD clean at my house Everybody know everybody fucking knows I'm OCD clean

And then I got I can wake up and I'm like How do breadcrumbs get stuck to the counter and how is the entire counter sticky and what the fuck did he cook? Did you get my $5 Friday bacon?

No, because I went to the thrift store, bought that couch, broke my phone and then you know how time stops and everything fucking. Yeah, and my $20 I gave you to get me four bucks like $5. But kidding underwear and socks. Doesn't he need underwear and socks?

I gave $8. And I gave $12? 20. Yeah, you gave you 20 bucks to get me four racks of $5 Friday fucking bacon. That all went at the door. So I didn't make it safely because my phone broke. I paid you separately for the bacon, so you wouldn't confuse it with the money you gave you. I know I kept it separate. By the way, the cat sitting money is going to go way down when you're going to need the air conditioning.

Same way I'm getting no money to cats sit in Tucson. Oh, you mean not yet? My house where Kenny's at? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and I'm going to pay you with air conditioning. Pay me either. But, um... And freedom.

And I'm going to tell Kenny, I can tell Kenny he's not allowed at my house. And then he'll listen. I can tell him I'm going to fucking murder him. If I have to wake up and spend 20 minutes cleaning my kitchen before I can cook. He doesn't pay attention to you. He doesn't obey. He don't fucking,

don't put pots and pans in the dishwasher. Stop putting my wooden ovens. Stop putting my wooden spoons in the dishwasher. Never mind. Just don't use my wooden spoons. You're not allowed to use my wooden spoons. First of all, you shouldn't have wooden spoons. That is a fucking terrarian disease.

My neighbor makes them. My neighbor makes them. Yeah, and he makes them. It's a sponge for fucking bacteria. All the fucking crevices and it gets spongy. Yeah, because I don't obsessively clean it every time I use it. You can't clean inside a fucking... I do.

But yes, it's like a hard teeth wood. He was putting my wooden spoons that my neighbor makes by hand in the dishwasher. If they're made by hand like the kind that they're on the side, restaurant wall and a Hawaiian restaurant with a teaky fucking guy on it and it's a giant those are probably sanitary. You know what you can do with wooden spoons? You can flip bacon. Oh yeah, if you had bacon.

If you had it. Now it's back up to 1499. It was $5. Tomorrow, did I tell you, $5 Friday in the morning by On the Rocks, pre-mix, five bucks a piece. They're usually the cheapest on sale is $9, and they're usually

$12 or $13. $5 for getting that first thing. Bring out the Friday morning trash, go and use everybody's phone number to buy every On the Rocks they have. Manhattan's, old-fashioned, ooh, I'm going to drink them

and the margaritas. Bahamas. Yeah, cosmopolitan is pretty rough. And I have no no need for that espresso martini. You guys like espresso martini. Who liked it? Brian Hannigan.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It was nice to see a picture of him. He looked so old like the rest of us. He looked pretty much the same. Yeah, like we all aged. Yeah.

Like he looks. It was really one of the most relaxing vacations ever. It's very much like the synets. Going to the Bertine's house is like the synets where every bed is made immaculately and they have a pool. The only difference is the synets always have an abundance of food and beverage. They did not have, you could put stuff in the fridge. I'll say, you can't put stuff in the Senate's fridge.

It's just not room. You know what they had that the Senates did not? What? A Tesla. Oh, but you'll get to drive a Tesla. I don't know if you guys saw the... Did she drive it? They drive her.

Someone drove the Tesla with her fingers in her ears and was terrified. Oh, I know, I know. Oh, God. Dear Lord Jesus. Oh, my God. Too fast, too fast. We're a below the speed limit. Too fast.

We're doing 45 and a 40. What if, oh my God. The fact that I'm filming this is the only reason I'm not terrified out of my skull. Why are your fingers in his ears? I'm not sure because I'm scared to death. This is terrifying. It's going too fast. Does it know the speed limit?

It does. It says it's right here. Well, it's going too fast. It's 40. We're going 44. Well, that's customary. It's speeding. No.

It's speeding. Yeah, so you have to auto drive it back from sushi. I was, I don't know if you were, yeah. You were probably sober technically. I never drink that much. I don't. I think you only had one drink at sushi, but you were pured drunk. You would have got one of those Tiger Woods DUIs where you blew a 0.0.

I've never drunk. But you're obviously not right in the head. I'm never right in the head. I really was like this most of the time. There's a video of it. Yeah, we live Instagrammed it. Yeah, we live. on Instagram.

He was on hydrocodone. What's that? He was on hydrocodone. Oh, yeah. But that's, come on. Hydrocodone. If you know what you're doing and you got the right doctor,

I don't know. I've only taken it as pain pills and it did nothing for me. I mean, I wasn't in pain like after, you know, hernia surgery. I'm like, I don't really need it. I'm not in pain, but it might be because I took it.

But there was no, if that just stopped pain, there was no other effect. Like, I could have. Well, that's what he had in his pocket, but, yeah. What he took. Tiger Woods flipped his car, could have been on 10. It's like Andy D.Y. 10 miles of Zanix or something. Andy got a couple of fucking zero point zeros.

Yeah, it's bullshit. But yeah, you were fucking high as shit. And there's a different test for that that you don't include in the story. Andy no no way so we yeah we had a great couple days at Bertines and it was just very relaxing

we didn't really get anything done just like reacquainting and drinking yeah I wouldn't say heavily but consistently early and then you know chat they're like social butterfly type of people and I try it on the alligator suit oh yeah they they go to like fucking Zimbabwe and kill

alligators and shit like this guy sold his tech company for a trillion dollars or something and now he's just he's really funny dude he's fun and funny he's a little younger than me yeah I think he's 55 he said big talk guy. I thought they both didn't drink because she's teetotaler and then and at one point I saw a pull out a bottle of wine and I'm like oh you drank oh thank God. Yeah yeah she gave me the side eye when I ordered his second drink at sushi last night and he's like oh yeah he's he's very dry and yeah it was a fun hang we don't have a lot normal friends like the synods.

So that was another, like, ah, you guys, but none of the bad jobs. We did have go around that at one point. None of us had tattoos, and then none of us had kids, and none of us have jobs. And that was... Bingo has the tattoo. Yeah.

Well, first Bertie said, well, actually, I had, just because I wanted, I had a little tattoo. I wanted, and then all the dudes are like, So you have a tattoo? Well, you can't even see it. I just wanted to get like a little dot on this scar just to see. Then you have a tattoo. And like everyone was like a fucking Seinfeld episode.

And then she goes, well, I get a tattoo. And I forgot the, I was talking about the one on your hand, but you got the one on your callous. Well, because I'm afraid of commitment. And so I thought it would be hilarious to get my tattoo on the giant, disgusting, repulsive callous. on my toe because it would fall off. And then I thought, what is the other worst idea

on the planet is get someone's name tattooed on your body? So I was like, okay, so I got my girlfriend's name tattooed on me. People are such poise. T tattoos are nothing. Tattoes are the easiest thing to do in the world. What is this all about? What's the fuss? D.

That's so bad. I felt zero. of anything. I got the light of touch in America's contest. Oh my God. That was the best moment of my life right there. Life's not that hard.

Why was I so suicidal last week? Life is easy. And it did. It fell off. It was hilarious. Uh. Yeah. Yeah.

So then I had to admit that I had a few kids. And now we get the fuck out of there. I went to L.A. Johnny Depp, we have a new... You know, I'm just gonna... I didn't get a bottle. I fucked up. He was launching his new brand of rum.

Three Hearts rum. Where, you know, maybe you should have, before you got fired from Pirates of the Caribbean, come up with this hate of rum would be a good branding idea. I think he might be going back. I don't know. We didn't really talk to him because it was... I did.

I got to talk to him. Yeah, but it was a gig. Like, yeah, you get to talk to... I stole him for a minute. As much as you talk to anyone at a merch booth, like as he's being moved from one part to the other. But, yeah, so Three Hearts Rum is our new official rum sponsor of the Doug Stano podcast.

Not the booze sponsor, because the whole time we're thinking, what rum drink could I drink several of, even at the party. Is there none? There's a sugar cube, like just rum with like... Rum and Coke with sugar cubes. And it was like, I don't know, it was a process to it. So I avoided that one.

What's the quickest one? I did that one. The, not peanut colada. Oh. What's that? What's that? No, no, the Coke and what's just as a lime is the only different. Cuba Libra.

It's a rum and coke with lime. I didn't try that line. That was the one we got in the bottle. Oh, that one, yes, I did. Yeah, and then my mojito, which I don't think I've ever had a mojito. But it tastes at all like fucking sugar. Yeah, every drink we had was sugar. We had mohikos at the party.

What was the, what's the drink from the Derby Party? Oh, maybe those were mojitos. What's the one they drink at Derby? because that's why we had the silver cups is a mojito something you're supposed mid jolips but I didn't have one of those all right it might have been mojitos

I don't know I didn't make them excuse that was Lori was making There were a few mojitos around I think Well so we go to this The first night we get in the night before and went to the improv instead of the comedy store

improv, a lot more laid back. They have actual chairs at a bar and you don't and there was only four people there that we knew. Craig Robinson, cool as shit. Jezel Nick kind of breezed through and out

a couple of words. But Andre, Eric Andre, who I'd never met and I didn't have to say it. He said it first. I'm like, stand up, I can't believe. We've never met. Man, this is great. Because you Usually I have to do the have I met you, or nice to see you, or nice to meet you.

And then there's another black comic. I don't know if I tweeted the picture or not. I was gonna say, hey, this is a, I keep this picture in case I get in any trouble with saying something racist. Wait, you're getting some of my best friends? So I got this other black comic where Craig Robinson is like, oh yes.

Man, I think it's something, yeah, just a really, fucking generic name, which stinks nowadays. Before they wanted you to, like they tried to tell Schwarzenegger to change his name a billion times. Now you want to be a Schwarzenegger because fucking Google auto-correct the spelling

and you won't get lost amongst a bunch of Bill Fischer's. So, yeah, that guy, it was fucking hilarious. He carried that night. like Craig Robinson says, man, come all over here. He was in New York comic, the other guy. It's Doug Stanhope. And he's like, I don't know, man. Oh, man, I was just too overwhelmed that it was Doug Stanhope.

I was on my house of flutter. I was going to have to go outside and catch my breath. That Doug Stanhope was here, I was going to have to call my mother. And then he was like, let me go out and scream. Ah! And he screamed right there. He's really loud. cute.

And that was fucking great because we were there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half tops, had a few drinks. It was really fun. Yeah, and it was a Monday, so it was empty. Oh, who's the girl comic? Oh, she was so sweet. Christella Alonzo? Oh, yeah, and always reminds me of Chrissy Alonzo.

You met Chrissy Alonzo owns P.C.s. P.C.s where the off-track bedding is. Yeah, so every time I see Christella Alonzo, I'm like Chrissy Alonzo, that's your friend. The only legal gambling alert? I know. I really, I want to spend more time there with the Gopros. I think with the Gopros, those guys would be a little bit more calm than a bigger camera. They're like, is that guy wearing a wire?

Is this about taxes? I lost more than I want, for God's sakes. So that was good. Our bartender had three drinks and I'm sure they pour them strong for us and we go let's get out of here before. We're just forcing conversation like Jezzelnick was one of those conversations where you go, I know you wanted to just leave after your set and I don't want to force a conversation. I haven't seen you in 10 years and that's the first time I saw you.

He came to the Farts Fest. Yeah, our fun house. Yeah. With Morgan. Who were you talking about? Chesley. He was real cool. He's a brief.

Yeah. He just had a conversation about P. and it just felt like that forced conversation. You don't have to do it with me. And then we go, listen, we've seen everybody that we know here. It's not like the comedy store where it's a bee, bees hive. And we just left and I'm like, wow, we left kind of sober. We got out right all time.

Wake up without feeling like, maybe said something stupid. And that's what we did with Depp's. We got a fucking a motel, motor lodge, basically. The Doon's in. A block and a half away. From the events. The problem is, is a fucking blocking away, block and a half away from where the Depp event was,

but it was not near any other fucking thing. So we had to Uber to all this. breakfast all day and you go there $27 for a fucking turkey sandwich and it sucked and like you're Uber

so it's not like and Uber Eats was like and then we got the light bright next day we'll go fucking fuck the Uber to a restaurant we're doing Uber Eats

and Uber eats somehow and I can't possibly be my fault as tech savvy as I am but somehow it turned all of the addresses of I order from three different restaurants. You're playing it safe. One for her because she wanted frozen yogurt. So bad.

She hasn't found frozen yogurt in years and always Do you think they're going to have frozen yogurt here? I say that everywhere I go. No, I don't think so. It's a 5-J truck stop. Yeah, it changed all the addresses to our number of our street, but the street of the

establishment. So instead of 4,300 Wilshire is 4,300 La Brea. And then they do, like, how do you change this shit? Anyway, fuck Uber Eats. There's going to be a lot more where we're promoting.

I'm still promoting the good feed store. Just not so much. If you actually have a problem with your feet, And you have like $15 to $1,800 to spend on archie? Just lying around. Yeah. Or that you'll hand over a credit guard with not even a stirring look. There was no high pressure there.

It was just any pressure. I know. What? You're not driving. Is that what you're saying? You're drinking all my podcasts so you're not driving? No. I was asking.

You have a full water. That's just sort of. Oh, all right. I know, but I've had one and you've drank all the rest. And are you not driving? He's not now. Well, if you're not driving, then go ahead. Yeah, that's what I was asking.

Am I driving? You go off the wagon, you go off big. I'm not even on my second, you're third. If you can't drive, you might as well drink it. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. Can someone ice him up so he doesn't have to stumble like a fucking cartoon, a hobo alcoholic across all?

your camera equipment? I can't wait to wake up in my own drool. Why, you've been waking up in Kenney's? Look, man. You're good, honey. He needs to mind this fucking business, too. Asking me about my life is not cool when it's like, who are you talking to? Oh, you did mention.

He fucking asked me who. He specifically said he's been dishes and slob and fucking this and that, but you say cock blocking. because I was going to bring it with venom. It's not specific, but the garden girl was asking him how I'm doing, and he's like, he's, you don't know what he's doing, he's not eating right, and he's fucking this up. And it's like if he talks to a girl in Bisby, which I want a girlfriend, but I live in a small town, so I have very fucking limited options.

Anyways, he's just telling her I'm not eating right and all this shit. And anytime he talks to a girl about me, he's like, like, like my brother like Derek shit his pants and it's like I was one like he's that kind of shit he can't wait to just be like throw me under the bus

I was going to say people have to know not to believe Kenny but that's not true when I talked to her people just not believe fucking anything when I talked to her she was like Kenny was telling me about you're not eating right and I didn't of course I didn't believe him

and it's like well the fact that he's out there just being a fucking... What are you looking for? He's here. My water. I'm not... I have a hard enough time at life. I feed myself mentally, all this shit.

And then you throw Kenny in there and he's like a five-year-old dude. Honey, that's sometimes you're going to have to take personal responsibilities and stop blaming everything on Kenny. A girlfriend thing might have to do with it's you. Well, there's no market. I'm not, never mind. I don't even know what to say. I was just inviting lovely ladies to call me or Zalmi at 520. That had to hurt Derek a lot is when we did actually raise money for Kenny.

But again, a lot of that's going to go to you. Oh, yeah. And Kenny was at Derek's house out. Oh, and I'm still blind in one eye, which is annoying as fuck. Well, that's not. That's God. It's annoying. It's not.

It only caused me... That doesn't happen in Dart League with Kenny. It only causes me physical peril every once in a while. Yeah, and you are our driver. Not right now. No, not today. I was like, no.

You do drive people to the airport. I just try to not be one of them because I know about the blind and one eye thing. I've taken important people to the airport and been like, They don't know I'm blinding my eye, and I'm definitely not fucking telling them. Well, we don't do it. Smart.

No, but also, that trip to Missouri I took him in the summer, man, I must have been inches from a car. One time I remember near city, I was like, oh, no, there's a car behind me. Yeah, it's not, like, safe. I was in, like, safe. I was in, my little Colorado did a gig and a lady from the radio station. It was a one-nighter triple gig and she came to my hotel the next morning. She had picked me up for radio.

I'll take you to breakfast before you leave town. Came into my room. I was living on one contact at the time. I had lost one and didn't have the means to replace it. But I took the one I had out and put it in a glass at the sink like you do when you don't have your thing with saline solution. And she came on, rise and shine here. I'll pour you a couple of things.

of water you bet you're hung over and fucking dumped it right down the drain and I like you know I have to drive to Minneapolis that's like a good a day and a half and so I had to do it like Mr. Magoo is squinting fortunately me all the time I like the that's one eye I had two I'm gone to yeah to and I got to Carney Nebraska and I had it like it's it's a it's a It's getting dusk, and I'm like, there's no way I can do this at night. And I had, like, almost nothing for money. And I remember going, I parked in a sports bar parking lot, and I went in, and I had enough for a beer or maybe two beers, and I nursed for, because it's not like bedtime.

It's like, you know, whatever, 6.30. And I'm like, and I'm going to have to wait until it's fucking light at whatever, seven in the morning. So I'm killing. And then I just went out. There's nothing where living out of your car is, you know, one thing. But hanging around in your car is completely different than driving long distance, like just having to sit there like you see people in Walmart parking lots.

And you can only read the paper and they had papers back then. Yeah, or stare at the Road Atlas. You know, a lot of different. You know I've done it. I've taken a bath in a Walmart in Parker, Colorado. Yeah, but it's a killing time where you go, I have nowhere to go. Well, that's why I was taking a bat. Yeah, I don't have, I have so little to do.

I'm going to go at Walmart and wash myself in the sink. I'll wash myself with a rag on a stick. Oh, I forgot of a redneck. All right, so we're in this, we got a GoPro footage of this place. It was so great. And I still don't know how much of it was, uh, not ironic,

but like it's a, it's a old school motor lodge where I didn't see, I didn't see really any people staying there. I saw people like the security guard. It was a couple sit by the pool, but just rarely. But do you know what they, because there was a, I saw people sitting by the pool that I also saw at some other point behind the front desk,

which was, caged in with bulletproof glass, but still not sketchy. And we were in the handicapped room. Always get the handicapped room. Always. Especially in a situation like that. Because this is a motel where all the, it's like, you know, the walkways around the outside to get to the rooms that all look over the pool.

It's very small. But it still has like, you know, a local calls 50 cents is, one of the and they'd recently put new tiles over the 50 cents like it used to be a quarter yeah but it was upgraded to 50 cents yeah and yeah no uh if you've had a diarrhea if you have a rampant diarrhea in the last five or have had a diarrhea in the last 14 days yeah yeah that was the the only rule on the fucking pool door. There's another pool sign to the side

that's had no animals. Yeah. It didn't say pets. It said animals. Got to cover your basis. Oh, well, the cool handicapped shower, but then the telephone by the toilet.

Yeah, a corded telephone. But there's like brand new out of the box. Yeah. Brand new from 19. 82. Yeah. Like they had to replace and refurbish it because like the cord was perfect, flawless. It wasn't like, anytime you see a corded phone in a hotel, it's been there for a while

and it's all curled up amongst itself. This is brand new. And then vintage typewriter connected to the phone or however you would say. This is all in the fucking video. The typewriter connected to the phone, however that is, whatever that is. Yeah, it was a. I don't know how that. It was Nito.

That was, yeah, it was Nito. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't see that Christy, your Johnny's sister or Keenan. Keenan. Yeah, all the crew. We did see, so we go into the place and it's like, it's a very L.A. kind of thing. And everyone's, you know, someone, this fucking guy that took our pictures, like on the way out, there's a red carpet.

going in. And that's where we saw Stephen Tyler the first time. Yeah. On our way out, a few people recognize me, like industry-ish people. Man, I just love your work. I just want to say I love your work. Not many, but a couple. Yeah.

And I don't know if that's the same guy. On the way out, we hit the red carpet because now it's now, empty and there's a few people we'd met You're not invited on the red carpet we just kind of accidentally end up there. Everyone's all following Johnny and the the whole crew throughout this whole event. Like at one point Johnny's branding

I assume we're too short to see. Yeah like probably a cask of rum. He's branding things and people are clapping. He's weird. Yeah, he's doing it. And he gave a speech that was kind of like The speech that you're not sure. I never thought I'd be in this position.

Like, really? This is fucking slapping your name on a bucket of rum? You didn't think it is ever happening of all the things that have happened to you? It was a little too heartfelt. Yeah. It was a little two, three hearts felt. Three hearts felt, yes. I can picture it sounds like something you do with the city.

We're like, oh, at one o'clock we had to be there, and then we got to do this and this and this. The fact that he was even in the building that early, like we, it was like seven to 11. I've never seen Johnny Depp at 7 p.m. Unless it's from the night before. And they're like, come on, you really have to go to bed. Yeah.

No, so like I want to be first every time. Gretchen Bonaducci. She's doing fucking... Yeah, we were first at her partying first out. You're never gonna believe you're the first. people here. They have planned on it. Yeah, by design. And the first one out, so we're like, but Johnny's not going to be there. We just want to really say hi to Johnny and drink some free rum. Give him his sweater. Oh, bingo sewed him a sweater. We'll get to that after your story.

Oh, go ahead. Well, I'm, I'm pretty much a savant behind the sewing machine. I like to think I am. Sew anything fucking straight at all. And I go back and forth and back and forth all the time. But I think I'm great. So I sewed him a sweater. And it is hilarious. But you've seen some of the other sweaters she's sewn that would fit a doll, perhaps.

It was kind of meat. It was the doll threw up meals. It might tuck into one. It's hilarious. But anyway, I sold him a sweater. And so I put it in a little box and he comes out. All right, let me give you the, this is how it goes. We go in, we finally get through the line for rum drinks because it's all convoluted

and people ask a lot of questions. Come on, just give me a fucking drink. I'm surprised I didn't try to bring my own drinks. in there but I knew they wouldn't have proper mixers for a rum party. And we got our drinks. Security. Yeah, say hello to a couple of people that knew us or got cornered by, not cornered, but approached by a really still to this now on the drive home.

Ski-looking like model perfect, like he could have been one of the- A someone. He had to be someone, right? Yeah, a con artist that looked like someone. One of those guys that you see a Netflix limited series where he's conned a million women and he's fucking giving him money because he's really a gorgeous guy

and he has this. You're going to poke your eye out. The hair that comes right to hear. The hair that fell into his face, but it's got enough product in it that it could be sharp. And he didn't do this a lot. I didn't do this enough, but he's a tall, modely guy.

And he's like, yeah. Perfect teeth. I mean, perfect. I'm friends with Johnny. And I realized afterwards, I, like, I fed him like a psychic. And he's like, yeah, Johnny, I know Johnny. Yeah, we talk about your comedy a lot. And I go, yeah, like, it's always the one bit trying to sleep.

You did feed him that line, didn't you? You fed him that line. Yeah. You did. I know. Oh, fuck you did. Yeah. You bet him that line.

The Manson line. Oh, wait. Oh, Bill, other little clue that he was a fucking con man was when I said, how do you know Johnny? And he goes, I snuck back stage at an Alice Cooper concert once. No, like. We should. And then he said something. He acted like he knew where they were and where Duters was.

Oh, yeah. behind the... Oh, yeah. He's one of the people that introduced us to Dutors is Johnny's assistant that we know. We do know Duter.

And his wife. And he's like, Dutor's wife, she's in the red dress there. And then he goes up and says, hey, and she's like, Ah, Duters, I don't know. So then we kept asking anyone

in a red dress if they were Dutor's wife. And I think one of them was. I don't know. I can't even remember. Anyway, we have not seen anyone we know there. I called him the after school special to his face and he did not get mad at me

he was so pretty he did not get mad at me He just kept smiling He just kept the yeah He kept back and like yeah they're upstairs We'll be down We find out later he doesn't He doesn't know shit Yeah but he was pretty to look at

Once we saw Johnny come out Then I saw Sean his head of security and he's like, gives me the fucking high sign. Johnny's over here. Listen, we're going to be going through this. So go over there. And join the group as they go to the fucking roped off area. And that's where, like, so we're like in front of the group coming from this backside of the events.

And you saw me and I got a fucking beautiful kiss on the lips. Pops, I saw you taking pictures. I want those. published just right on my god damn lips and then he saw bingo and she gave him the sweater i got to talk to him for a little he he actually spent time with me he shouldn't have i know i saw the PR lady going fucking holistic that he stopped the entire he was sitting there and talking to me for a while and they didn't like that this is like if Tyson is walking into the ring and he's got that whole phalanx of people with him

and then bingo goes my kiddies I have a sweater for you that I sewed and he's accepting it I understand how chilly it can get oh I'm doing Bill Burr when I went back and saw Sean Bill Burr's there Billy Byr and he's like ducking out the side door I'm like you're leaving it before he's like yeah

I get shit to do I got two kids good to see you pal you told me to be eloquent about this but I can't because I'm honest I told Johnny here I sewed you a sweater you can just throw it in a bush I said bush because there was a lot of fake plants there but I just said throw in a bush but I sold you something I'm gonna have it for you no no he said he said he was so fucking sweet to me always is but he said I keep everything that you give to me he's like the box you made me and I carved him a box I carved it for him he still has that he still has everything and he said this should go behind glass oh my god yeah he knew in detail

about the yeah it's just he has that stuff you know have to shit in the fun house I'm a nobody the fun house neon light like is which is the the the the piece the resistance of the fun house. I think Marty Shalders, but I don't know who said to that. Oh, the artist that did the piece of you and Johnny. Yeah, me, the illustrator that, like, yeah, he's got that, that he was great.

Picture I have in the office of me and him in the bathtub. The bathtub. He did a full, like, running animation for the pilot, which I wish I had a copy of, because it was fucking... He studied under... What's his name from the Monty Python illustrator? Terry Gilliam.

Yes. Wait, is he the illustrator? Yes. Yeah. Okay. So we go in, it's very tight-ass. We didn't... We get there like quarter to eight.

We go, all right, that's not the first people here. but and then now this bar line is too long and I go we should have been here at like 6.30 rattling the fucking door. So now we've seen Johnny and we're with the entourage going to the roped off area to have a band playing great fucking East St. Louis Tuddle Dude type of music that's a Steely Dan reference. Thank you.

shit I like, you know. It was good. No lyrics. Just jazzy, John of old time. But in the display of everything, there was live music, but there was also a lot of Johnny's artwork. And Stan Up said before I, we didn't know if we would see him, actually. I didn't know if I was going to be carrying around this sweater in a box the whole night.

So Stanup thought I should display. play my sweater next to Johnny's artwork and just leave it there and just see what everybody thought. But then when we found him, we get into the VIP area and then it's just dense. And so then Beck is there. Beck starts talking to Johnny. And then Stephen Tyler comes in he's like right in front of us waiting to talk to Johnny or we're like densely. And stand up is behind a bush. I have pictures of stand up hiding behind a bush and them.

It's a fern. Literally, I'm standing and there's a fern. So I have the, like, the straw of my glass going through the... And this is the only pictures we have is stand up is behind a bush and the backs of the famous people's heads. I never get their faces, just them and stand up behind a bush. We get a great... I think it's Johnny and the back of Stephen Tyler and Beck's heads. Yeah.

And you... Which one is Johnny? And then, no. You're, I get the face of you behind a bush and then the backs of their heads. I forgot my fucking phone to this. I forgot. Like I probably would have pulled it out rarely just because I've always kind of, but I forgot it. And then I'll take a picture of that.

Take a picture of that to you. Well, I didn't want to say, hey, famous people, look over here. Oh, my God. So check this out. stand up is over here he's talking to what's his name Stephen Tyler okay he's talking to Stephen Tyler I know nothing that's going on

I'm just trying hey Stephen no wait no wait wait let me tell it this way though so I'm just being trying to be cool bingo and so he's talking to Stephen Tyler and then all of a sudden Stephen Tyler comes to me

and is like hey like I know your cat's name is Meatwig who are you You, bingo. He didn't actually say it. No, but. I said, I said, yeah, so Doug Staddle, I'm a comedian. We met, and you remember bingo.

And that's, because the confusion on his face of we've met, but like, I've always told people, do you ever want to fuck what, me? Just say, yeah, we worked on that thing. And I'll go, oh, yeah, fuck. He acted like he knew exactly what he fucking was. Just exactly what this con artist did with the fucking, Yeah, with us. Had done with us.

Who, by the way, is waiting, like, to try to get in where we are? He's like, once we saw our security guy that we know, we're like, hey, fuck this guy. So he's over there. I'm bullshitting Stephen Tyler and he turns to like they're the best of front. Oh, hey, y'all! Wow! Wow! I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm being going, yes.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am. And then just like the night before the improv, I go, yeah, because it's a cluster fuck of celebrity. I don't know what's going to have it. Was he going to brand another fucking barrel of room? Like, we're not going to hang out. I'm not going to be your chum.

I know what it's like when fucking people show up to your gig expect that it's going to be a social event between the two of you. I'll just wait till you're done, I guess. Yeah, and we'll see what, no, no. Brown. I don't leave that name in. He's like, yeah. He would literally ask me, well, this time when you come to Boston, if I come from

New Hampshire, are we going to hang out or is it just a show? Well, yeah, it's going to be just a show that I wish you wouldn't go to either. And now we're going to talk. Thank God. Sometimes it takes you fucking 50 years to shake your friend. Oh. So, so then we just go, listen, we've had enough of this. We've had three rum drinks, which I'm already losing my toes in sensitivity and neuropathy from diabetes from three rum drinks.

Yeah. Let's just get the walk out of here. So we don't say goodbye, nothing. We just, we're behind the stanchions with Johnny Depp and all the other famous guys. And we just sneak out and just. Well, no, we didn't just jet out. That guy said, I told that the tall, tall, false and handsome, I go, hey, you can take our spot. He goes, yeah, I don't think they're going to let me in there.

I don't think they did. I don't think they're going to. And then we walked out and said hello to a few. We met a couple cool people. She's, that girl that, I'm my friend, I guess, knows somebody, but I'm just a plus one. She was cool. They go, everyone's a plus one. We're all plus ones at this party.

We should have her own corner, like a breakfast club. She was very cool. She was very cool. Her and a couple other people. And then whoever took those pictures on the way out on the red carpet, because we go, oh, it's empty now. Let's go out there. And there's a few people that were hooting and hollering,

just I think probably people we met or knew. Yeah. And so, yeah, we get a handful of red carpet, three hearts pictures. and a guy that was taking some of them emailed five of them to me today. And, hey, here's those pictures. It was a great meeting you. And then I looked at the fucking signature at the bottom.

Terry something, co-executive producer for The Voice. You're not someone that you expect to. They're like, hey, let me take some pictures. I'll remember to email them. Yeah. So, yeah, that was, again, we left early. Yeah. All the, like, the post skank fest paranoia is just from being that fucked up.

Like, I'd seen that many people, like, did I say the wrong thing? Or did I, I was an asshole? Yeah, go home early. Go back to the Dune's Inn, AAA approved. Two blocks away. But it's still probably. pronounced as that old AAA approved sign. We got pictures.

It was fun. We got a good time. Where was that at? It's near Koreatown. Hancock Park. It's one of the most beautiful parts of L.A. that you can skip over. Or richest, fanciest.

But this is on the outskirts. Wilshire near Korea Town. Several blocks up, a Denny's. that, yeah. They have white cheddar. I call it like today with the insoles. Oh, Lord, Jesus.

I call it the bingo tax. Oh, today was the worst bingo tax ever. I go into Goodwill dollar tree or even the first Wednesday of the month that's safely to get their seniors discount, 10% off everything. And I go with a plan. I go with a mission. I'm going to save money. I fucking, no, don't get the almond milk there.

Go to dolletry to get the almond milk because they're going to fuck you at Safeway, no matter. And I go in, if I go with Bingo to any of these places, all that money I had fucking jingled up in my pockets of my mind. Bingo goes, I found this. How much is it? I didn't look at the price. All right, so you just bought four,

yards of green corduroy material. Oops. That actually happened at your through store right before we left here. Yeah, when I'm going to find this. But I'm making a cake for Jack and Dino. I hope he doesn't hear this. I'm trying to find vintage ties. I'm making a cape for Jack andino.

Yep. And how much are we going to sell that for on eBay? How much is that go for? Like a vintage tie does on our website. Actually, this jacket, this jacket, this jacket. The backer observer. Oh, the Becker Observer, did that... The 65?

I found out... Remind me when we're done. I found out an eBay thing that has been bothering me that I go, oh, that's why... All right, yeah. Oh, maybe we talked about it. Yeah, all right, good. Anyway, so, yes, this jacket, like, this is a fucking beautiful. The pattern is nice.

It's a little stretchy, which I like. and yeah, this is the fucking where you can go bold and beautiful with the shirt underneath. I'm wearing the orange shirt that I've had on for four days. Yes, you have. But it goes well with it, but you can put it like a fucking magenta, a purple. Bang, this is fucking gorgeous. So this is going to be on eBay.

Oh, and stolen Bibles. Fuck, we came back with a bunch of stolen Bibles. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we got, yeah, I think we got like nine of them because we had to stay pre-flight, post-flight, then they're coming back and then snag the feud. All the way around, yes, yes. Yeah, and Book of Mormon.

I don't know what to do with the Book of Mormon. I want another copy I'll borrow for a while if I can. A Book of Mormon, why? Well, I was close to converting? No, I was close to finishing it when Rob. I'm drunk now. Oh, Lord Jesus. Seven months on the wagon.

Well, that's not what I call it. Hour 30? Out of 21. All right, yeah, let me just. Yeah, look at the notes. You let Derek talk while I ignore him, and look at my house. I'll say we should do while you were talking.

Oh, the fucking dentist. And you can, if you could put this out as a standalone, but this was one of the reasons that we had to can't, cancel the dentist because Matt Becker's murder suicide thing. We had to cancel. I rescheduled it with the Johnny Depp thing. So at 3 o'clock before the dentist, the dentist at 3 o'clock, a dental experience that makes you want to get cavities to go back.

Like, it was so good. It was like we go in. It's empty like they had it, like, blocked off for us. They have four of the units, but they're all like window lit. You have a view of Beverly Hills in front of you, but when you lay back, they have a smart TV so you can put on any YouTube. You want to catch up on Game of Thrones or put on Ambien shit. I didn't ask if they had porn. Didn't seem appropriate as all the gals there were really very attractive.

Yes, they were. Dr. Ben has that by design. I'm sure. So they bring us in and there's a, like, give us, please walk around. I'll give you a tour or you can just walk, kind of like I do when I have company. Just go make yourself open cabinets if you need shit. But they didn't say it like that. They said, please make yourself at home.

They have menus when you sit in their, one is beverages, would you like a lot? and espresso, which like a sparkling water? And the other one is anti-anxiety menu. Would you like during your cleaning a fucking a slow drip of nitrous? And I hit them to Dr. Brady's laughing my gas off, yeah, laughing my gas off podcast. They hadn't actually heard of it, but they looked at it. They hadn't. And they found it.

Is this it? Dr. Bray. Yep, that's it. And I go, I did that podcast. And they had it cranked on full. And I still wasn't like getting goofy on it. I think it's all the years of smoke and have made my, like, in lungs like a mortar brick. They go, we've had people say that before.

And they say, can you turn it down on too high? I never get too high. But I chose that over the option of edibles. They have THC or CBD edibles just on their anti-anxiety menu for free with your fucking cleaning. I have no idea how much it costs. And Bingo did say, oh, they'll do, they said they'd do me too. But I'm not falling for that unless I'm getting a writing. I said first, I'm not pulling for that after the shoe thing.

Yeah, after the shoe thing. Like, no, I don't trust anything. And the shoes weren't even like, that wasn't even a deal. That was a kid saying, I talked my owner into doing it. These guys, they, yeah, that's how they're trying to make a name for themselves. And fuck, yeah, you got me. What we're going to do is go back to our friend, the dentist in Rochester, and fuck with her. Like, wait, you don't have this?

You don't have. You have, shit. We have, yeah, we got to get, we got to get them to send this thing. Yeah, TV on the ceiling. I remember during, we had a massage therapist. What was our name? She would come to football. Back in the heydays of the football parties.

Who? The massage therapist that lived right down on the corner where Murphy eventually lived. Yeah, no, but she would come over and give 15-minute massages and make bank. Like, all right, your fucking teams at halftime go out on the patio and get a massage. And but she took herself too seriously at that time. Yeah, what was your name? Like about the whole massage. Sharon.

No. No. But because I talk to it, like, more people will do this. If you put a small TV, let us put a small TV under the face mask so they don't miss any of their game. And then you'll be booked out the whole day of $15-minute overpriced massages. And this is a dentist that did it. I remember asking the fucking this fraud in town. It wasn't him.

It was his cool dental hygienist. Would it be rude if I listen to a book on tape because it really is the most torturous, endless clock on the wall last day of school to get your teeth clean. But if I could listen to a book on tape at 1.5 speed, she goes, that's fine. It's just like when I tell you to turn and spit, well, they didn't have to tell you to do anything. They had to do x-rays. You stood up in one machine and this and this. This thing turned around you. and you're done, and then lay down,

and then they do the other x-rays. We put it, bite on this, and then they have, like literally look like a Jetsons fucking cartoon ray gun that they go, you do, you're done. And right after that, it was on the screen perfectly. Yeah, and my face. Yeah.

That's all, we have video of all of that. All right. Dr. Ben, I cannot recommend that enough. I wish that I knew what it cost because it's probably pretty pricey. I know the address is pricey. It's Genesis. Dr. Ben Rayani, R-E-Y-H-A-N-I, Genesis, and it's a Beverly Hills address. But I know a lot of people that have money and fucked up teeth, so there.

Those guys will put the link up on. Sure. It probably just played all the fun. It's already up. What do I need to send you? Pick this. I'm glad I've. You got the handle, Alex.

Welcome home. Thank you so much for coming home. Bingo, I miss you so much. You helped me out when you listen to me because nobody else does when I'm like, you don't understand. It's kidding. All right.

That's great. No, I'm here for you. Yeah. If you need the way out, I got to pee. Okay. Yeah, go pee. Go pee. I had in my notes to because I was going to try to be

high for this and I forgot. And I was going to go on a long fucking diatribe about how that tall, handsome kid was probably a gay prostitute a la midnight cowboy that Johnny had a trist with. You know,

Johnny and I are Our whole relationship was pretty homosexual. It was completely queer. You guys were a couple of queer baits together. All right. This next story, I'm going to save her off the air. I appreciate you guys hanging out, and we'll do it again soon. And...