The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope and Some 8 Year Old Kid - pt.3

Episode Date: August 4, 2015

Stanhope talks to some 8 year old kid - pt.3Recorded July 11, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and some 8 year old kid. Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Closing song, "Pussy Liquor", by Rob Zombie. Available on iTunes.Doug's upcoming tour dates available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Thank you. You're welcome. Ah, shit. My drink is coming. You doing coke? Yeah. I'm doing a vodka soda.

But I'm relaxing on the heavy stuff. I don't need to be gacked up like that stuff you're doing. Shit, I need another cigarette. I hate this. gacked up like that stuff you're doing. Shit, I need another cigarette. I hate this. I do this anytime someone comes over and they don't smoke. I try not to smoke around them.

But, yeah, I'm in a rough position, so thanks for bearing with me. Your dad was... Your dad was... Your dad... Have you ever bought a used car?

Um... Yeah. No, you haven't. Why are you lying? Don't... Don't lie to me on my own podcast. No. I never remember your dad,

but he always seems when I meet him like a used car salesman, and that's how I remember him. I don't remember his name, but when he shows up, I'm like, oh, the used car salesman guy. But, yeah.

Is he bullshit you a lot? No. No, not at all? No. All right. Well, yeah, he just seems too happy. You ever seem too happy to you?

It's just all joyous. Yeah. Hey, I'm bringing my kids to a water park. I go, I'm bringing your fucking kid to a podcast. I'm giving them Coke. I'm going to smoke in front of them. But yeah, you seem happy. Would you rather be at a water park somewhere?

No, I'd rather be here. Wow, you said that almost like you were honest. You were almost honest with me right there. I'm going to take it because that's what I want to hear. Yes, you'd rather be here. I'd rather be with you here than you at a water park. All those kids pissing in the pool. Doesn't that bother you?

Yes. Do you piss in the pool? No. Honestly? Never? Yes. Never? Make eye contact. Never. You never piss in the pool? No. Honestly? Never? Yes. Never? Make eye contact.

Never. You never piss in the pool in a water park? No. I piss in the pool just to get back at the kids. I go to a water park just to piss in a pool. You know, like when you drive down here with your dad who abandons you here in a smoke-filled room? Yeah. I stop.

You stop to probably get a Wendy's burger or some shit. I stop at a water park to piss in the pool rather than go to a Wendy's to piss in the pool because I'm a dick and I want to piss on kids,

but you can't do it openly. Some comic once said, yeah, I get thrown out of the pool for peeing in the pool and I said, everyone pees in the pool and they said,

yeah, well, not from the high dive and I just stole that joke because it's probably an old fucking joke but yeah next time you go to the water park stand up on the top diving board and just take a piss and then walk

back down the stairs that's a power move really is honestly anything else you want to get off your chest? That's a power move. Really is, honestly. Anything else you want to get off your chest? Not really. All right.

Are you sick of coming over here to do these podcasts? No. Because you're fucking great. Everyone I get tweets, are you on Twitter? Are you some eight-year-old boy? No. I bet you will be. I bet someone is going to have at some

eight-year-old boy on Twitter, and they're going to act like they're you. Alright, I guess we were just on Periscope. Do you know what that is? No. Well, fucking Chaley, you know that weird guy with the hair? Yeah.

He said on the other podcast we did that we were on Periscope. I don't know what that is. I thought you'd know because you're eight. You know everything about the internet. But evidently, we were on Periscope. So some asshole is going to have at some eight-year-old boy, pretend to be you, have a picture of you. I don't even know what Periscope does. Have you ever had a colonoscope?

No. Neither have I because I don't care. I'd rather just die. You ever feel like that? You ever have a bunch of rusty nails? No, actually, it's a drink. Not actual Rusty Nails. And you go, I'd rather not have a camera up my asshole. Have you had to do that yet?

No. You ever have a colonic? No. Yeah. But you look at fucking girls on the lazy river at your stupid water park. You just fucking take the lazy river and you stare at girls. I wasn't active like that until I was nine. You're eight. Started early.

Do you have a girlfriend? No. No? You stuttered on that, eight-year-old boy. You have a girl you got your eye on? Yeah. What's her name? Say it!

Say it! Say her name. You say her name, eight-year-old boy. Annika. Annika? Is that right? Yes. Annika. That's like a Swedish name. She's a blonde? Yes. Oh, all right. Well, good luck with that, Annika. How's it going? Have you talked to her yet? Yeah. What about? The lazy river? No.

Sitting there with one nut hanging out of your swimming trunks? Going, hey, Annika. Annika, look, look, look. Annika. Look at my one ball. Look at my teeny tiny some eight-year-old kid ball. Look at it, Annika. Is that your move?

No. Mine was, well, I was nine. I was old when I started fucking around. But my girl, she was Nora, and she came on to me. Full court press. I dealt with it. But, yeah, I was in that at nine. So, you know what?

Hey, play your cards. Fuck Annika. I mean, sorry if that came out wrong. I mean, to heck with Annika and her feelings. Yeah, let the cards fall where they may. All right, I got to go. I got shit to do. Every time you come over, I got shit to do.

See that button right beside the big red button? No, on that thing over there the big red button? No, on that thing over there with the red button. I usually have a guy named Chaley with me. You've met him. Yeah, he usually hits that button, but the one that's right beside the red button. The big circle one. Just do like this with your finger.

Yeah, the one next to it. Yeah, touch it. Go. Give me a B. Yeah, touch it. Go. Give me a B. Give me an A. Give me a B. Give me a Y. What's that spell?

What's that spell? What's that spell? Baby? Thank you. I don't know. I had a baby, baby was the name I knew she was crazy, tiny was the same Down behind the shed, a star in the hall Slicing on the belly, the feet, to the door One, two, three, who should I kill? Everybody buck up, run or fail One, two, three, what should I do?

Get fucked up and fuck up for you Who should they kill? Put your liquor Make me sicker Put your neck up You a freak, I got it Yeah, I like to get fucked up, fucked up Yeah, I like to get fucked up too Yeah, I bet you do Yeah, I like to get fucked up, fucked up

Yeah, I like to get fucked up, fucked up Yeah, I like to get fucked up too Yeah, I bet you do Sayin' that a baby's oldest was his name Why, that's a ghost totally insane The oldest was the girl's young and clean Down in a bucket of gasoline One, two, three, who should I kill? Every motherfucker running a fail One, two, three, what should I do?

Get fucked up and fuck up with you Put your liquor Make me sick of Put your liquor Who's the liquor? You and quicker Yeah, let's get fucked up, fucked up Yeah, let's get fucked up, too Yeah, bitch, you do Yeah, let's get fucked up too Yeah, I bet you do Yeah, let's get fucked up, fucked up

Yeah, let's get fucked up too Yeah, I bet you do Send them to hell, burn in the house Spirits are alive, a tongue-mashing bomb Help them to survive One, two, three, who should I kill? Everybody fuck up, run and fail One, two, three, what should I do? Get fucked up and fuck up for you Who should let go?

Let go Make me sicker Pussy licker Human breaker