The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Doug Stanhope Podcast #543 - "In and Out of Austin"

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Doug welcomes back one comic, Keith Ray, and sends another, Bryan Bixby, off to Austin. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded Feb. 11th, 2024 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Keith Ray and Bryan Bixby. Produced Stanhope. Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - HelloFresh.com - Go to HelloFresh.com/STANHOPEFREE and use code STANHOPEFREE for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That’s free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com/STANHOPEFREE with code STANHOPEFREE. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo by StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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That's the podcast. So I didn't know how to do any of this shit. Is that the square? Do you have the square? shit. Is that the square? Do you have the square? It's a shot. You want it closer? No, I was saying I can't see.

It's dropping a little bit. Oh. Chaley set this up so it would be simple and fuck it so far Absolutely nothing has been simple Chad Ryden I filmed a thing with him Last week And after fucking two hours Of Chaley trying to

Coach me through this Alex from Australia trying to coach me through Just trying to send a fucking file Absolutely impossible. But no, he set it up so it's simple with Zoom. No. Rader just said, no, it's against

the terms of service. You can't fucking record with Zoom. Close enough. Close enough? No, tell me. He said you can't do it with iOS unless you have a special account. A certain kind of account. Oh, I have to see. Yeah, Chaley was...

You can't just have the free one, apparently. Yeah, Chaley, it comes down to, oh, yeah, you need to... Well, for Patreon, you can't have control of Patreon. Well, you mean I can't use your login? Yeah, it's all fucking dog shit. So what we're doing is we're doing it the old fashioned way. We're recording just on the camera with video. And then this gentleman's on his way to Austin where Chaley is, and he's going to take this douchebag fucking iTablet and this stupid fucking iPhone, and he's going to shove them in Chaley's fucking iPhone and he's gonna shove them in Chaley's fucking face and go files are in there somewhere cocksucker hey here with that each doing a pilgrimage

from Austin to the up the Austin comedy gold rush still still is still in play and this is Keith Ray how do we first meet you because I know there was a around that time there's were you the guy that sent us hot sauce okay Texas all right Texas ketchup that's yeah yeah yeah there's a few guys in that period that I, are you the Texas ketchup guy? There was one guy that left his hair grease here. That's still me. That's you too? Yeah. There's just one guy.

We dolled up Floyd to look more like Rutkowski. Yeah. You had, he had this thing, tin of old fashioned hair goop from like 1920 or something. I don't know. And we go, it'll be here when you get back.

And we did get it back to you eventually. Yeah. Alright. See? Man, my word. So, Keith Ray is this is Brian Bixby from Portland, Oregon, on his way to Austin. He's the prospector.

He's got his fucking new pickaxe and he's going to Deadwood to fucking find something better than iron pyrite. I'm going to San Francisco, cocksucker. No, I'm not. Swear engine reference. Yeah, you're doing the walk of shame out of Austin with your pockets turned inside out. The same way I left Las Vegas as a young man where I go, I need last call in my life.

I can't do this. You get caught up in the excess. Yeah. Pretty much doing stand up and partying every night for two years. And, you know. In that fucking circus atmosphere. I've been up there. I mean, Austin is is there is a fucking

i've never seen anything like it yeah yeah like it's everywhere it's the party's non-stop and 2 a.m just means you got to go to the after hours joint or over to a musician's house and then the party goes until the sun's up and you know I'm just trying to pull the reins in. And L.A. is the least fun town to drink in. So it's an easy place to spend. It's absolutely an easy place to rehab. And for the record, Keith Ray, a noted drunk, not ranked heavily like as far as great drunks go he what what first of all you've been sober here on a super bowl weekend uh it's exemplary and no one's gonna try to talk you

off the wagon it's kind of like sean rouse if sean rouse was sober everyone was happy because uh yeah he was a just an evil awful, awful drunk. And you go, oh yeah, you should. Dave Rader says I'm not drinking today. You're like, you're a fucking faggot. Yeah, crack one open and join us. No, no, you have to drive tonight.

We'll make up a place to go to call you the designated driver. I've never been all that good at it but i like it a lot uh uh let's start with you okay you how are you how long were you in austin you were a doorman at the mothership yeah i was first 15 door guys at the at the club and uh there from before we even started like building the furniture and uh but I was there for a whole year before that uh just shaking the dust off from

the pandemic I tried to do as much as I could during the pandemic but when when I got down to Austin it was just away with the uh race you know you could just get on stage constantly, and I was doing that. Let me go back to when you first stopped here. Yeah. Because Texas Ketchup was from Indianapolis? Mm-hmm. Okay. You set this stuff that called Texas Ketchup in a bottle,

and we're like, this is really good uh some fan sent it and then we're googling it and there's no such thing exists I'm like how is this how is this ungoogleable nothing did you have labels and everything or no well you see you had to go to the barbecue restaurant that I worked at in order to buy it and Doug always said steal shit from work and mail it to my house. And he hates Tabasco sauce like any person with good taste. Yeah, and steal shit from work

and send it to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. And we couldn't find it. And then we got a hold of you. Oh, they only make it in-house for this one restaurant. But had you started comedy when you came out here?

Yeah, I'd been doing it about two and a half years, three years. In Indy? In Indianapolis, yeah. I had just washed out in New York. On your way to L.A.? Yeah. I moved to New York with a flip phone in 2015. Oh my god. Yeah, and so

believe it or not, I washed out quickly. That's like thinking in a frame going oh, I brought a flip phone? Yeah. And a coconut. It didn't work out in New York City. I had to get the fuck out of there relatively quickly.

And my parents had just retired to Galveston. So I went down and stayed with them and stacked up some money. Was doing stand stand-up in Houston and then I took off for LA and you're on the way so why not stop and say hello that was a that was one of the most amazing days of my life I've told people that story at bars and comedy clubs for the last eight years you then they have to go into the second part of the story where they go, who? No, no, no. Let me show you.

I'll show you some video on my flip phone. It's not really clear because it's a flip phone. No, you threw me on stage that day. You had me perform for you and all your friends here in the funhouse. You know what? We've got the new stage here, the fucking Murphy stage. You can't see those chairs on it right now. new stage here, the fucking Murphy stage. You can't see those chairs on it

right now, but yeah. Perhaps tomorrow instead of the Super Bowl, we have Keith Ray sober and in charge. Three days sober, Keith Ray. Oh, no, I've got almost three weeks.

Oh, no shit. Yeah. I figured if I could come to Bisbee and stay sober, I could really do this. Yeah. Because. I figured if I could come to Bisbee and stay sober, I could really do this. Yeah. Because, I mean, I love drinking with anybody, but drinking with you is a real special treat. So not succumbing to that temptation makes me feel a little bit, you know, like I really have a chance at, you know, straightening up and doing better in comedy, you know, as a result of it. Just the time alone that you gain not drinking, that you have to put towards whatever else, hopefully creative endeavors. It's a whole other life you get to lead when you're not drinking.

I, every time I quit smoking, I'd make a big production and 30 days in the hole and this I'm gonna like not drink two drinks a night maximum just to quit smoke and then when I finally quit smoking I was on the road in Australia and I'm like yeah I just fucking fuck it if I can yeah if I can do

shows like all the fucking triggers are right there like just plow through this and spite. It's like a test, you know? Yeah. I used to quit smoking with a pack of cigarettes in the fucking junk drawer just to go, yeah, I could. And then eventually I did, so that's not a good idea. Yeah, my mom did the same thing.

She's got, like, six months without smoking. And I really was so happy I was I showed up back at my folks place after I left Austin so damn broke that I smoked her temptation pack of cigarettes all right now let's cut to Brian Bixby Portland you work at Keeling and you said yeah you had just gotten passed at the club when I played there. That was like two years ago? Yeah, it was like two years ago or something.

Finally passed at Helium. Fucking love Helium. Oh, my God. Great club. Great. The staff there is awesome. The crowds are always awesome. But it's the only club in Portland now.

So it's like there's really... I wish Harvey's was bad. No, not exactly. they've sort of made a comeback where they're doing uh they don't have a club but they're doing like pop-up shows is what they call it they've got like wineries and uh a couple of bars and and shit around oregon that they're like trying they're doing harvey's pop-up And they just have the same, like, road headliners that they had at the club. Oh, my God. Is that guy Barry?

Like, I can't believe. Barry's. No, Barry's not involved. Barry's sold the Harvey's name. Can you lie to me? He's sick. That guy, the owner of Harvey's, would always take these solo vacations to Bangkok. Like, okay, here a man, a middle-aged man with a fucking,

I think he had a tipee, and going alone to Bangkok several times a year. All right. I mean, I know kids don't generally have AIDS. Not when he's done with them. In Bangkok, though. Keep going. Yeah, you can find hookers without penises

in other places. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, Barry got out a few years ago after a heart attack or something. Yeah, I heard there was some trouble. And then, yeah, five people bought that club, and one of them had like

beat his girlfriend or something. It was a gorgeous club. Yeah, it was, yeah. I don't know if it attracts bad seed. Anyway, so you've been doing comedy how long? Eight years. Eight years. And now you are going to take his old job.

Are you going to actually try to be... Being a doorman, door person at the Mothership, the template is what the Comedy Store did and still does. Like, okay, you're a working comic. You start by... Like, everyone that waits on you, buses your table at the Comedy Store is an aspiring comic.

And that's, Sam Kinison was a door man before he was. Yeah, that's the spot they had me doing was the clothes and the little boy. Yeah, and you,

you have a very good reputation as a comic. You just didn't know where to fucking, don't shit where you eat. Yeah, I have, I was all, way down the street.

All gas, no brakes, Keith. Finally ran out of gas. It's, uh, the atmosphere there just lends itself to it because it is the 1979 comedy store there.

You expect to be doing fucking giant rails of cocaine off of someone. I was. Not in the clubs, but I was definitely doing mad coke, and that was fueling my drinking, too. So I don't have any temptation towards that without alcohol. Yeah. Espresso beans covered in chocolate.

I like those. I got a bag of them in the car, a little Ziploc bag of them in the car, you know, in case I need a bump. Are you going to go to the mothership and try to get your doorman sized? Well, I'm door sized, yeah. I'm going to check out the mothership. I'm only going to be there for a couple of months or something. I want to check out the scene because it's such

a huge thing now. I want to check it out and see what the... For the listener, Brian Bixby is fucking highly rated. The comics that were just down this week are like, oh, that fucking Brian Bixby guy is fucking funny.

Christine Levine does not have you staying at her house for no reason. You have a pedigree. You're not just a fucking flunky that's traveling through. Yeah, well, I was lucky because Christine sort of really took a chance on, you know, on me being funny. And then I was. And I think she was like happy and like proud because i knew her when i started a little bit uh but i think there was also a bit of relief where she was you know she recommended me for these shows and the fact that i wasn't just dog shit

was uh was like oh thank god all right good yeah you're funny. Yeah. Oh, you torched last night, man. We did chuckleheads last night. He lit them up. It was great. Yeah, no, I heard it was well-intended, too. Yeah, it was a good crowd. It was hard to move around it. Not like that saved much for chuckleheads to say that it was packed up.

But, yeah, so, yeah going going to austin check out that scene really just to see i want to see just like you know the some of the other kind of big scenes in the country yeah so yeah have you traveled elsewhere at all or you just not much i've mostly been northwest, you know, Seattle, Portland. I've been to Wisconsin once. Did a couple shows there. Been to Alaska and done some shows up there.

But other than that, you know, a couple spots in California. But yeah, so I'm trying to check out other cities. You were saying there's like 14 clubs in Austin now? Yeah. It's insane. Like that's why me being banned check out other other cities you were saying there's like 14 clubs in austin now yeah it's it's insane like that's why me being banned from one or another didn't i didn't really put the fucking uh clues together because it's like one would ban me and then i'd be performing at the

other one all month and then a new one would come up and i'd go getting in trouble there and i'd go back to the one they'd already forgotten about what I was in trouble for there. So I was kind of spinning these plates, you know, of just getting drunk and running my mouth. It's kind of how I wrote most of my material over the years. It's just you got to do it in private and then refine. Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't sound like fun anymore, even though I did it for decades. I'm staying out late now.

Dave Rader is my, he's my drinking buddy, and he goes to bed at like 7.45, like on, oh, 7.46. I'm going to be late for work tomorrow. And so, yeah, now since he was my only friend basically during COVID just hanging out. We had other people over, but we were dailies. I took on his drinking habits.

Okay, five to seven? Okay, I'll be in bed by 8.30. Oh, I was pulling double shifts. Yeah, I can't imagine. When the club opened, when Mothership opened, I was pulling double shifts. Yeah, I can't imagine. When the club opened, when Mothership opened, I was drinking at noon because I knew all the bartenders up and down 6, so

you just stop in. They'll hook you up with a couple, and then you go stop at another one. And then at 6 o'clock, I go to work. By the end of work, we all stay out and drink through the night. Did you ever have to work as a doorman? And like,

did you ever have to assert authority? No. Do you ever like Joe Hart? So many train killers. It's just, it's just absolute. It's like MMA fighters are the security. Total smoke shows,

wait the tables. And then funny motherfuckers tell you where the bathroom is, and somebody throws up, we wipe it up. Hey, some guy named fucking Silva is heckling. Silva is definitely,

that's a Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy, I know that. Any first name Silva, last name, what happens if you get we're like first warning guys we go over we'll be like hey and then after that the guy comes over he's like hey you know and then they swarm you and get you out if you keep disturbing the show because you know you got to get them out can't heckle hecklers will be alienated Because, you know, you've got to get them out.

Can't heckle. Hecklers will be alienated. Alienated? Yeah, that's what we got. A big sign says that. Oh, yeah. Because it's aliens. Yeah. Alright. I got you.

Space, is that what you're... Always be Brandon. Hang on, hang on. He's got an alien tattoo on this arm, and he's got Carrie Mitchell tattooed on the other forearm. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Bring it right up to the camera. Bring it right up to the camera. Yeah, I love my mama bear. She's the best. Always be Brandon. Yeah. Try the liquid death. Oh, my God.

That is the fucking craziest thing. Like, the liquid death. Oh my God, that is the fucking craziest thing. The liquid death. First of all, everything sucks drinking it out of a can. I'm drinking a Mick Ultra because they don't want to trigger you right now. You can't look at a guy drinking a Mick Ultra and go, Wow, I haven't had a drink in three weeks and you make it look so good. Nor is it easy to hydrate drinking out of a can?

Liquid death was silly at first. It's kind of like Trump or anything else where you go, okay, it's funny but still you're really going to drink high dollar water out of a can? Everything sucks out of a can. Food sucks out of a can. Cans suck.

Can peaches are better than fresh peaches. Well, that's just because they're fucking soaked in sugar water. You fat fuck. No, man. I agree with him. Now, if you had a can of peaches right now with a couple of shots of bourbon in it and you're

just eating those peaches, that would be pretty triggering for me. That's one of my favorites favorites hang on uh let me knock this ad out hey it's uh hello fresh ditch the meal planning blues and the grocery store run with quick convenient recipes delivered right to you just choose your meals and select your delivery date hello fresh handles the meal planning and the shopping so all you have to do is open your weekly box of fresh pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes to get cooking no more staring blankly into the fridge wondering what to make for dinner give hellofresh a try and dig into their biggest menu yet with over 45 recipes to choose from

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but fucking Pop-Tarts from this stupid pantry at a Hampton Inn. I want HelloFresh at every one of my goddamn gigs as soon as I book my next tour. So do what I do. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Stan Hope Free and use code Stan Hope Free for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while your subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash Stan Hope Free and use code stanhopefree hellofresh anarchist number one meal kit all right let me get back to bitch b here he's the guy we don't know uh so you you

have you say i'm gonna go out there for a couple of months. Are you that strict in your planning? Do you have two months' worth of money? I have a decent savings. I've been doing comedy and working a full-time job for years now, so I was able to save up to go out there. I don't have any strict schedule. I have been booking a couple of shows in the Midwest for April, I was able to save up to go out there. I don't have any strict schedule. I've been booking a couple of shows in the Midwest for April.

So I do plan on doing it. Do you live in your car like this guy? Well, I've got a couple. So my plan is to see Austin. I have an Airbnb rental and stuff. I've got a couple of Portland comics that are going down there as well that we're sharing housing yeah yeah they don't make much money and they fight they're hugged out of New York they have these apartments that have three bunk beds like six people will share an apartment this big well they're hardly there too so it's just more of a crash pad

that they're splitting. And Lulu Monkey, I don't know what happened to her. She used to... There was an apartment complex that was all comics in Austin in the before days. Austin has always been a fucking comedy hub.

It's not a new thing. The immensity of it is new but there was always way too many comics and they all were trying to be Bill Hicks it was just everyone with an opinion so now they're

at least got the other great thing about Austin is versus LA what I really respect about that exodus is it excluded all that people are just doing comedy to get into acting. Yeah. Like, okay, you're not going to do that in Austin. You're not going to like hone a five minutes and just keep doing it until a producer sees you. Because there's no hollywood

in austin there is no executives there's no suits unless they they make a trip on purpose yeah the reward is just more work in stand-up you get more spots the better you do and five minutes won't cut it you know you having that great five minutes isn't going to get you more spots. You've got to keep showing up with more five-minute spots until then you're in the 10-minute market and you've got to come up with different ones of those. It's been like the reward in Austin is just more stand-up. Do either of you have headline time? Yeah.

Do you headline? Yeah. I mean, I mostly headline in bars and shit like that but but do you feel like like triple s gigs where you're gonna do an hour yeah yeah so like yeah that's my like main reason to not want to go somewhere like la or something so i'm like i don't want to be stuck doing just five minute spots or whatever it is uh i want to be able to like go up and do real time somewhere uh and obviously i haven't seen austin yet so i don't know how much there is of of that like longer you

know longer sets uh that's part of my reason for also wanting to check out the midwest because i know they have a lot of like triple like road uh road work to be done. Yeah, the Midwest is, we were talking about this yesterday, the amount of clubs you can do. If you're in, say, Chicago or Louisville, right in the center. It's three hours to everything. Right. You can get a different club any direction you go in just a few hours. Yeah, and the Northwest, you have Portland, Seattle,

and, of course, maybe Olympia or Tacoma and all the way to Spokane, but then you have that whole desert of the fucking time zone where, oh, it's 10 hours between gigs. But the problem is you have winter there yeah there's the the winter where it's the the weather sucks to drive in and be on the road and like you kind of have to because like even with the like those multiple like towns or cities put together you still don't have 14 clubs like in austin you've got like you know maybe ten probably less that's fucking insane 14 clubs I you would go I would think you don't have enough population

that likes comedy this much well they're flying in from all over the world it's an international audience in Austin now not Not only do they have that convention center that brings people to Austin for all kinds of reasons, but now people are just coming to see comedy. And I mean, if you love live entertainment, you've got the whole spectrum of live entertainment available to you, including comedy now. Yeah.

Yeah, it's surprising to me how many people I meet that know nothing about comedy or people that I told, like, yeah, I'm going to Austin, and they're like, oh, yeah, that's a good comedy city. I said, fuck, how do you know? Because they all know comedy from Kill Tony, and so they all know about the scene and things are going on there and everything like that. So, I mean, it's crazy to me to fly into fucking Texas to see comedy it's kind of fantastic that it's

usurped music yeah it has in the music city it's like going to Nashville and going yep you know what you're known for a sculpture now we're going to, countryman, and now, sculpture. And you can't help it, because, you know, it's kind of beautiful.

South by Southwest is a fucking nightmare. I don't know. Well, I guess now this is comedy dominating South by Southwest? I don't know that it's dominating it, but it's definitely a part of it. South by Southwest

envelops the whole city when it comes to town. So I would say that that's kind of where you do see a little bit of the Hollywood come out in Austin because there's like films that are being shown there it includes a lot of stuff

different concerts being filmed and things like that I don't know shit about music but it just seems like comedy's never been I don't think it's ever been bigger no probably not especially like to see it like take over music in a city like that where it's like usually comedy you know I've done shows with like you know where there's music acts and there's comedy acts and it's like the comedy always plays second fiddle to the music.

I'm so fucking retarded when it comes to music. But isn't most music not live friendly? Isn't it all just electronic, hitting buttons? A lot of Taylor Swift actually sings and stuff but like what music is pop there's no bands that you go oh I want to see I never hear about bands that are famous they're just fucking

rappers and shit well you have like a lot of people in the just kind of like a retro music boom going on right now too where country music is trying to go back to an older sound and so there's a lot of live musicians out there covering that kind of music you know kind of more like

music that's popular amongst hipsters you get you know live musicians down in Austin playing that kind of stuff and then of course you've still got your cabaret piano players and that's what my last roommate in Austin was doing for a living he'd just go into a different bar every day and play piano and talk shit

and so there's lots of different avenues down there for live musicians. But the thing is, with music, it's something that can be enjoyed in the background of the good time you're already having. Unlike comedy where it needs engagement. Yeah, that's all music is good for is background. Yeah.

The soundtrack. I agree with you. Yeah, it's like a lot of the i did uh tree fort last year uh just because they have a comedy portion tree fort in boise uh idaho it's like a huge like music festival that just takes over boise but then they also have like comedy and they have like uh they also have like computer hacking or something some like programming. It's just a whole festival, but it's that thing where it's like bands playing that kind of music that you were just talking about.

I would love to do a fucking Bisbee Comedy Festival. We have enough venues. I just don't want to annoy people that don't like comedy. I wouldn't want to be the guy that I would definitely I think it would be fucking great.

I think people would come in for it. I mean, we've done our own small version here. The Farts Fest? Farts Fest was the last one we did. But, yeah, I think the town would support it. Well, you keep it indoors. Who are you bothering? But people... It's a small town, so they get really cunty. And people go, well you keep it indoors who are you bothering but people

it's a small town so they get really cunty and people go I don't want to see that they're going to gentrify the place if you bring in a festival if you have a mariachi festival well okay that's the

diversive but comedy I just like don't shit where you eat Yeah I don't want to have to do the fucking walk of shame Back to LA after 18 years Of disbeating You can crash on my couch

Oh yeah do you have a place to live You can sit at Airbnb with a bunch of comics Yeah see the last time I lived in Los Angeles Before the pandemic I lived in a shed. And it was the best year of my life. Bunking with Andy Dick? I mean, my shed was not as nice.

Andy Dick was living in someone's shed? He's calling in to Stern. He's living in someone's fucking... Yeah, his phone's disconnected. I can't get a hold of him. Are you serious? Yeah. Andy Dick? Yeah. You talk to Andy Dick? I used to call him of him. Are you serious? Yeah. Andy Dick? Yeah. You talk to Andy Dick? I used to call him every Christmas. Oh, really? Yeah.

I usually would go home to Indiana during the holidays and go hang out at the open mics and I'd be like, hey, you guys want to call Andy Dick? And he'd always answer. He's a really nice guy. I wish all the open micers in Indianapolis a Merry Christmas.

Quarantine and Shane Gillis was out here. We had a drinker's night where we go out. Hey, let's do call famous people from your phone and see who will take your call at this hour. And he won, but I think one of the only ones that took my call it was uh paulie shore hey buddy i don't know well but yeah he took the call i didn't have andy dave's number i would have called him i had he had andrew yang shane gillis he's like i'm not gonna call andrew yet but i'll give you his number. He did not take my call.

And I've drunked out Andrew Yang a couple times since then. He's never taken my call. Want me to give him some words of encouragement? And advice, you know, about the whole robot thing. Help him get his podcast off the ground. So, yeah. But yeah, I'm living in the house now where the shed was

in the backyard. So that's an upgrade. Yeah, how do you what's who's who owns the house? It's some comics Andy Piccaro and Jamel Dodson, Lou Hinkle. So it is like yeah, it's a similar situation.

They're all my boys from when I was a L.A. comic. I was out there for five years, so they had a room open when I was looking to come back. I was like, well, I'll scoop that up from you, you know. I'm just out there auditioning for the store and for the improv, trying to, you know, branch out into different clubs. What are you going to do after two months? So you have this two-month plan,

and you're going to go just scope out Austin, and then what, make a decision? Well, then I'm going to scope out, like, I'm going to Chicago for Austin. Yeah, so I know I'm going there. I've got a couple of options for living there. I haven't locked anything in yet. But, yeah, so I'm going there I've got a couple of options for living there I haven't locked anything in yet So I'm going

I fucking love the smell I really do I don't know if you would want two of them going at once No I do I want three of them I want fucking Raider to smoke He's the only smoker left in my life Yeah I guess

I've quit a couple of times And that's the best is sitting next to smoke. I want my clothes to smell like... I want to get hair transplants so my hair smells like a cigarette. I'm going to get back after a hard

day's podcast. I should just start sending you my clothes like OnlyFans girls do with their dirty underwear. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's Lucky Stripes. Oh, man. You dirty girl.

He must have been broke. He's smoking Montegas this week. See, I wouldn't even know a reference. I think I need to get broke again and go open for one of you fucking cocksuckers on the road. And just like I wouldn't even know a reference for what a generic cigarette would be. I'm like the presidential candidate who doesn't know the price of a gallon of milk. I don't know. What do you smoke when you're poor?

Lucky strikes sometimes. Remember when they didn't have any idea how broke people were and they were like, people gotta be living on like $600 a week and then they started sending everybody $600 a week and everybody was like, we're fucking rich! We've been living on $300 a week

and... I know what bingo gets for disability, so I base it on that. I then there was a big thing with gweneth paltrow said oh i could eat on 20 a week whatever there was some like whatever welfare people get she's like oh you can eat on that and that became and i'm like i could do that but i i don't have kids in the family. Hang on.

You know what that reminds me of? This commercial break. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, we're back. Oh, speaking of you, what is your fucking, you have no baggage? You're how old? I'm 31. 31, same as him.

Yeah. Yeah, no baggage, no like kids, nothing like that. No girls, no fucking boy, no. No, yeah, it's a clean slate. I was, you know. You're fucking great. Yeah, that's why I was like, I got to get out of Portland before I get mixed up with one of these horrors. So, yeah, I'm like, all right. Yeah. Time to go before I do fuck up. And yeah, it's leaving one too many times.

Yeah, exactly. I'm too big of a fan of that to keep going. So, yeah, get out while I can. keep going so yeah get out while i can uh yeah and it's the the freedom is it's funny i'm getting goosebumps right now i remember this uh yeah put a cock in my mouth after i say this there's a bob seeker song it's a really lame song but uh it said i there's the lyric was i stood up on the mountaintop looking out at the great divide i could go east i could go west it was all up to me to decide and that was playing on the radio when i had just finished my last triple gig i had an expansive amount of time where i don't have a gig i'm living out of my car and i'm like i don't know i was at the continental divide there's a triple mountain time zone and I'm like, I don't know, I was at the continental divide. It was a triple mountain time zone

and I'm like, yeah, I can just do anything I want right now with my life. Oh, it's the best. It is fucking the cliche of the things you own end up owning you. Yeah, I fucking love having my house back and you know, oh yeah, but I would also love

if I didn't have any house at all When I didn't When I was living out of hotels Because insurance was paying for them I was like there's a part of me That fucking absolutely loved it And I don't I can't go home

There is Yeah that's kind of where I feel at right now Where it's like And I threw away like most of my shit. It feels good. I've just got a car full of stuff. It's fucking, I can go anywhere I want.

He's got a 91 or 01 Impala. Well, I got, uh, I got lucky because of a whole situation with my car and it was like totaled a few months ago back in Portland because it was stolen and they smoked meth in it or something and uh they always they just didn't go very far but they still smoked meth in it uh and and uh you know so my insurance was like well we're gonna total it and here's what we think it cost and they gave me way more than it was worth so i got a uh i've got a 2023 uh toyota corolla cross so it's like a it's like a newer uh model that they're making it's like a smart small here's what bothers me about both your choices and cars and i still do this to this day

is i look for sleepability so neither first of all you not a Corolla and you sleep what's a Corolla Cross it's like a small RAV4 so it's like an SUV you get some come you could sleep in it you could sleep I can sleep in it yeah I'm gonna have to look at it yeah I don't know my shit out but I mean a sleeper car it's not a very comfortable sleeper. No, no. When I was paying $600 to fucking get to the next gig on a car because the other one shit the bed, I'm still looking in the classified ads in those days. Okay, wagon, sleep. Okay, can I sleep in it?

Let me check. How does the seat recline? I don't want to test drive it. I want to see. Well, that's why I found a place you know this is not it's fine for overnight on the road

when you're going to be heading back or heading to the next thing but you don't want a long term in an Impala yeah I still to this day I mean I pat ditch bags and I buy cars With

Somewhere in my head Okay if I Had three weeks off Between Yeah You were talking about Your ditch bags yesterday And yeah

Yeah I've always like And with the car Like I was shopping For a car Look for sleepability And like just Like I got an all wheel drive That I could sleepability, and, like, just drive.

Like, I got an all-wheel drive that I could sleep in because I'm, like, I want to be on the road. I want to be in the Midwest. And people will, like, you know, my friends made fun of me for, like, oh, it's like a family car. Yeah, and it's, like, it's a car for me to sleep in. I don't know how family-oriented that is. Yeah. But, yeah, I've always whenever... He's taking care of his grandfather out of his fucking mind

and dementia. So he's up in Globe trying to take care of him and he couldn't afford to... He has no idea how long he's going to be there. And Airbnbs and hotels are just too much money. And he's like, he bought a fucking old Chevy Astro van. It's all checked out to sleep in and are just too much money. And he's like, he bought a fucking old Chevy Astro

van. He's all tricked out to sleep and put a mattress in it. Yeah, those Astro vans were like the interim between camper and van. Yeah, and the guy that owned it before had it as a camper. So it's set up where you

pull the fucking blinds, he sends me pictures, hashtag fan life. Him with a fucking giant jug of piss. You go, oh, that's piss. That's a giant jug of piss. He's pissing in the van. Yeah, so the only time I sort of regret the purchase is I'm like, I should have gotten a van so I'd have room for a piss jug or something.

Like, I don't think I could fit a piss jug in there and sleep in it. But, you know, I've always like. What's the longest you've stayed in your van? In this current car? I've only had it for a couple of months, so I haven't slept in it yet. I would have had to here in Arizona. You just left. Yeah.

But, yeah, I don't. I've slept in other cars that were not suitable for that for, you know, a week or two at the most. But I don't, I have like a habit of whenever I buy anything or get anything, I take into consideration, okay, what if I'm homeless? Or what if the fucking world ends and I have to, or I have to go on the lam or something and I'd like to, any like backpack I buy, how waterproof is this? Yeah, it doesn't go away. I'm still like, okay, I'm a fucking,

I'm a white landowner. I could vote in the fucking 1796 election and I'm still fucking worried about what if I become homeless? What if I have to go on the run? That's the fucking next bit that I'm working on. But I kind of like it. I kind of envy you guys.

Oh no, I'll drink a Bud Light. I'll drink a Bud Light because I I'm a fan of Shane Gillis and any beer that Shane Gillis drinks, I drink. What about Bud Light? Oh, yes, go ahead. Hey, toss me one of those

Diet Ginger Ale. Well, I made my bed. I'm sleeping in it. Is it? But don't you fucking feel great when you wake up in the morning? Fuck no. That has not changed at all. I hate the morning. It might be the cigarettes. It is the cigarettes because I'm at like a pack and a half a day.

I realized when I quit smoking that 80% of hangovers is the chain smoking. When you cut that and you wake that even even with moderate drinking you go i feel pretty goddamn good yeah i gotta do yoga to feel good i go uh to that almost every day but i'm not on the road we should uh maybe that'll be a follow-up to this as we all do yoga yeah we could uh we could just make it up. I do have a mat. It's on that treadmill. Honey, that's my boyfriend there, Raider.

He got me in it. He's trying to whip you into shape? Yeah, he's trying to be my personal trainer. I've got a treadmill and he's like, when are you going to use it? I haven't yet. That was New Year's But Monday is New Year's For me

Super Bowl is New Year's Eve And then we're done with football And nobody shows up After Super Bowl It's been September Every fucking weekend Is football And football people Just a small group after Super Bowl it's been September every fucking weekend is football and football people

just a small group but you know you spend all day Saturday plotting the menu and then Sunday the game and then Monday clean up and then oh

it's a Thursday night game that I kind of want to watch and it's really it's just it's I think it's destroying my life. If I could quit football and you can quit drinking and you both quit these cigarettes, fucking Lucky Strike.

Yeah, Lucky Strike came out of nowhere. They were like, oh yeah, they served, they got filters and everything. Yeah, they went and got them. You're both smoking 100s. I smoked 100s when I was a broke comic. You get the extra quarter inch of tobacco. And they

burn quick. They can't have more tobacco. Not by much. They have a bigger filter too. The big thing for me is the filter because the smaller filters, I burn my fat fingers when I'm trying to smoke a smaller filter. Every now and then they'll be out of 100s I have to get a smaller filter so I I gotta go every

now and then they'll be out of 100s I have to get just regulars and it's I hate it because it just lucky strikes were always like the filterless cigarettes that never had a filtered option and in the last few years they decided oh we're gonna make them with filters and undercut every other brand of cigarettes so there's still a brand named cigarette, but they're garbage. I'd love to find out all the new road hacks

of like, okay, this is how I save a buck or two. I would always get there early to the gig if I found out, oh, it's like Taco Tuesday. Between five and seven before my show, I could eat for free there and I just have all these fucking gimmicks

but I'm so far removed that was always the romance and I knew it in the moment which was the beautiful thing that okay I am doing this I'm living my dream I'm living out of my car it's hilarious I never thought oh this is paying your dues

no this is the payoff and it's the more success i've had the less fun it's been yeah it's just what you guys are doing yeah all i have is one dewalt tub full of my clothes and notebooks and then i have a box of memories at my folks place you know for safekeeping but i But I have nothing holding me down. Two miscarriages, so no family, you know. I just get to go out and tell jokes and drive from a different place that will let me to and fro. Obviously, you've got to a place where you have to look yourself in the mirror and go,

hey, I need to make some changes. More green tea, less booze. What kind of intervention is it going to take to get that fucking giant ruby red stone out of your ear? I started wearing my earring because I just thought, well, I have this hole and it's not... I had that hole and I had a very cute I was about your age too I was late 20s early 30s

and I had a very cute assistant to my agent I went to see my agent at his office in LA and she goes why do you have an earring you just look at it like an old guy trying to be young and I'm like I'm fucking 30 yeah I'm starting to I'm fucking 30. Yeah.

I'm starting to feel a little bit of that same indignation right now. Am I old? I never wore a fucking earring after that. I'm the cute young girl that talks and senses you. A giant ruby fucking

earring. Why don't you have a dream catcher? I do. I have a dream catch fucking earring. Yeah. Why don't you have a dream catcher? I do. I have a dream catcher earring. Yeah. You know, I wear that when I go to like a concert or something. Some Jon Bon Jovi shit. One with a feather. Yeah. I have

all of those. I just didn't wear them today. Yeah. I probably should rethink my image. Do you... Now, you quit... Are you a weed guy? Yeah. Okay, so are you... No, I'm not going to quit weed.

Nobody's going to give a shit about that. Yeah, you're... Okay. Good. Yeah. I know several people that are like, oh yeah, no yeah I know several people that are like oh yeah no I still do weed

I'm like oh good and mushrooms you're not sad all the time yeah I get a fucking I get a trip as soon as

this fucking New Year's Day it's Monday after the Super Bowl and then I go on a fucking clean living edit my special

do all those things I've been putting off. And you guys will be off in new lives yourselves. Yeah. It's really cool how all this road work started popping up the second I went and stuck my head out in L.A. Going all up and down California and Salt Lake City. I've never been there before. I hear that there's a lot of non-Mormons there that might appreciate me.

Yeah, I don't remember your set. If you did a set in here, I don't remember it. A long time ago. Yeah, no, it was... Probably the first time I ever did a half hour. A very well-respected act in Austin. Oh, yeah. Aside from your shenanigans.

Uh, yeah, I wouldn't have, uh, an hour's material if I, they hadn't, they started having me close the club, the like one to three times a week,

the, uh, about six months, uh, of the last year. And I was able to write and develop so much material that, uh, anywhere I go, I could do a good job for people. And I was able to write and develop so much material that, uh, anywhere I go,

I could do a good job for people. And, uh, I'm looking forward to going back to Austin with a whole bunch more life experience and new jokes and yeah. It's a, uh, out road dog.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't fuck. He said, he said, there's a club. I think it's not a club anymore, or it's gone, or it moved,

or some cap city comedy club. It's still there. It was this fixture of Austin that you just couldn't avoid. It wasn't a good club. It was this fucking awful barn with 30-foot ceilings. So it was echoey. That's where the legendary incident in Austin where Alex Jones fucking opened for me.

He was just supposed to introduce me and he did like a fucking 11 minute tirade and people are going, you're killing my buzz, dude. This is before he was, he was only, he was a gimmick act. He was the Morton Downey Jr. of Austin.

He had a cable access show, and he was doing a character that at some point... The game. Do you believe that you're the guy that you used to pretend to be? And your face stuck like that. You can't make it in the face, and it stuck like that you can't make it in the face if it's stuck like that so we know you're a

it's like Dice Clay that was one of his characters and then he just decided I'm gonna just be Dice Clay I'm not doing Travolta anymore you're more buddy love.

Yeah, and that's what Alex Jones is. But that's where we filmed that. That was at the Cap City Comedy Club. He had the best line when he was bringing you up. He's like, something about it. That's why you're going to end up with five big guys having you bent over a table. Because you weren't man enough to stand up to the New World Order who's like yelling this in the front row

dude's face and he's like, try and start something I'll be standing right there, ladies and gentlemen Doug Stano I'll beat your ass right now here's your headliner guys it was like one of my favorite comedy moments.

Absolutely the best one caught on tape because that was before fucking phones were everywhere. Anyway, the point is this club that if you've read This Is Not Fame,

probably that's where all the road stories are. That's where I got fired for being naked once, and then they let me back in, and then I had my balls shamed on stage the second time. That was in the 90s,

early 2000s at the latest. And of course you had to. He told me today that he talked to the manager, he goes, oh, what comics do you like? He said, Doug Stanoff. He goes, oh, he's banned from this club. I'm like, I'm banned still from 1997?

Yeah. Like, who would even go to your club? Who even knows you have a club? And now I am too because of this conversation on this podcast. We can add that to the list of clubs I'm banned from in Austin. This is pretty much AA podcast. You're pretty much anonymous. You do this one.

I thought Cap City was bought by Helium a couple years ago. That might be the case. It used to be Rich Miller, Dennis Miller's brother, who the most self-important fucking pretentious. He had all the fucking, the wise guy kind of thing that Dennis Miller.

Yeah, I know. I see what you're trying to do with you. Trying to get a fucking reputation with the fucking dick out. But it's not playing here. Well, you had a joke for it because you signed your headshot to them shaving a haircut two bits. Yeah, I hired a, I hired, I got the door girl, the ticket booth girl to shave my balls while I told this story. Like a recontour, I believe it would be. Yes, here's a funny story.

I remember, and she's just shaving my balls with a ladybick. I don't see how that's banned material. That's fucking 25 years ago. If you think that that's perfectly fine, you should hear what I get banned for.

Being loud when you're inebriated? I mean, let's call it Cap City. So Keith Ray was just sitting here telling us. No, no, I'm going to try to get a date. I absolutely love Cap City. It's a great club. We've got two rooms.

All good clubs have two rooms. By the way, I'm going to be in the area next week. You're not here. I'm just going to call and see if I can get a book. Thank you for calling Cap City Comedy Club. If you know your party's extension, please dial

it now. We have live chat representatives available Monday through Friday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern to MZR. Only fans, we have time. Or visit our FAQ page at Capsany Comedy. I just hit zero. So live music is happening.

That's not a bad job where you just sit next to a microphone and play some chordal guitar. A little acoustic. I wonder if this is live. I heard that. Hey, I'm looking to book a comedy date. I want to do stand-up comedy. How do I book a date there? I want a headline. Hello? Hang on, hang on. Why did you get quiet? There we go.

Yeah, so how do I get booked? You can email management at capacitycomedy.com and put booking in the subject line. Put your bio and all that stuff, and someone will reach out if they're interested. I was told that I'm banned from that club, and I don't know if... Is there a way to fact-check that? Why were you banned?

Well, I guess it was probably 98. I went on stage naked and had the ticket booth girl shave my testicles while I told the story. And then Rich Miller was back then. He was the guy. And he was like,

ah, this is the second time you were naked on stage. Hello? Well, I'm sure a band for a lifetime, but what's your name? Doug Stanhope. Do you have a band for a lifetime list that you could check? I don't. We're under new ownership, so I don't,

but I imagine it would be the same. It'd be the same. The new owner would just go, oh, he wasn't naked on my shift. Is it helium now? See, I work all the other helium, so why wouldn't I be... Okay, well, I don't know. So you can email them at helium, Philadelphia, helium, Philadelphia,

management at heliumcomedy.com to ask them. Well, I didn't mean to get you all upset. You seem like you had to clean up after it or something. I'm your friend. I'm a fan of the staff. I mean, the girl who shaved my balls, I tipped her out before she got fired. I'm sorry.

Bye now. Bye now. So fucking indignant. You know what I mean? And way to no comedy, too. So fucking indignant. You know what I mean? That's so fucking... And way to no comedy, too. If Mr. answers the phone at the comedy...

You know what? That's the good thing about Mothership taking the Comedy Store template. They have fucking comics answering the phone. Not some fucking... dancing queen that fucking has no sense of humor well email email that don't bother me with your problems i guess we see where all the live

musicians have been relegated to answering the phone now i want to fucking call philadelphia helium well you see doug it's real easy to get on the bad side of people at these coffee clubs. Just try and have a simple inquiry. I was going to take a whole year off, and now I think I'm angry enough that I want to fucking... No, I'm going to play Cap City. I am not going to rest. No, I don't want to play Cap City. It's a horrible room.

But I want to get fucking hired and then go, uh, I changed my mind. I just found out that I was naked twice on your stage and there's no way that I should be invited back. There is no, I have to, I have to rescind. Yeah. I didn't ever get naked at any of these comedy clubs. I didn't get caught washing my dick in the sink at one of them.

That was... Well, do you ever get a blowjob from somebody you don't trust the cleanliness of their mouth? No. Well, I didn't really choose to get this blowjob. You see, I was blacked out walking for cigarettes, and I just woke up with my dick in this young lady's mouth and I excused myself in the situation and rather than going home I went back to the club and washed my dick in the sink there so I got that was like

the first time I got in trouble at a comedy club in Austin. Did you not lock the door or was it a multi-use? It was a multi-use. I was holding the door shut with my foot. And, like, right as I was finishing, I let my foot off. There's absolutely no excuse for, yeah, you should definitely be in a rehab. And I feel. They told me I could have used the employee bathroom and locked the door. I'm a better rehab than you could go to, like, a Malibu, Passages.

I think the amount of ball busting I will give you over the next fucking 36 hours until you get the fuck out of my town, I think is going to be more therapeutic than any Dr. Drew. Like, hey, what's happening inside of you? Where are you coming from? How were you raised? What type of family situation? any Dr. Drew, like, hey, what's happening inside of you? Where are you coming from? How were you raised? What type of family situation?

Are you using alcohol? No. You wash your dick in a sink, you're a fucking asshole. If you do it because you drink, then you shouldn't drink because you're a fucking, like, only an asshole. This is not like, oh,

he was feeding kids and then he fell down and his dick got into some mud while he was going to help more orphans. No, you fucking cranked off in some half lady's face. I'm pretty sure Peaches is a real woman.

You know? Or I'm sorry a biological woman excuse has so many fucking leaks in it like oh what you thought you were going to get gingivitis in your dick you had to wash off periodontal disease from your dick in a public area

you were so worried about germs this horror mouth meth mouth lady from your dick in a public area. You were so worried about germs. You had this horror mouth, meth mouth lady, and you weren't afraid of germs then. It was after the fact, you go, oh, I don't want bad breath on my dick. So your whole story, I think,

is garbage. It's fucking a bunch of hog swallow, and I don't like it. And that's just first hour of hog swallow And I don't like it And that's just First hour of therapy Kill this podcast I appreciate you both Brian Bixby look for him

On the road Give your plugs to your social medias And all that Yeah so social medias I'm Bixby Comedian on Instagram It's B-I-X-B-Y Comedian on Instagram And I'm Brian Bixby comedian on Instagram. It's a B-I-X-B-Y comedian on Instagram. And I'm Brian Bixby everywhere else. Brian with a Y on everything, all platforms.

And where are you? Loser at what.com? I'm at Keith Ray Alive on Instagram and Keith Ray on Facebook. And I'm Keith Ray Comedy on YouTube. All right. Yeah, that's it pretty much. Follow along. If you fuck up and you have a slip or whatnot,

you'll be public about it, right? Of course. All right. I was very public about my drinking. That was kind of why it kind of blew up in my face because I didn't want to be like some kind of secretive drunk I want people to appreciate me for who I am and if there's things I've got to do to be you know a better comedian that's what that's what's in my high be high like Derek

Derek would be a good role model for you if you want to just sit there and shut the fuck up And go You got a guy that can coach you You don't need alcohol Yeah go ahead Smoke up Johnny David Jolly gave me some reefer when we did that show last night So Well I want to say next time you wash your dick In a public sink

Just film it for Patreon At least Make it work I should use it for content. That's the problem. This content would have gone viral and instead it's all just going to be lore. At best.

All right. That's a podcast. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.