The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP #470: Work is Sick

Episode Date: November 20, 2021

Doug is work of sick and has had enough of interruptions from the audience.  We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Recorded Nov 18th, 2021 at the Improv Green Room in Orlando, FL with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo by EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast when we last left you i was flying from arizona to florida with a traumatic head cold. Not COVID. Tested negative. And actually I made it through the flight okay. I was very worried that I would have coughing and sneezing fits on the plane and they would ground the plane

and I would be quarantined even though I was wearing my fucking negative test result like a lanyard or a paper hat. Well, we made it here, but god damn it, does it suck

to work sick? And you know, I know I only work an hour a night and all that, but you still have to travel. Everything in Florida is fucking. They had my room set at 64 degrees. You have to understand I wear a long Johns at home.

If it's 70 degrees or less, I'm wearing long Johns. I don't like the cold. I think the reason that this cold has held on for a fucking week now is every place we go into is, why do you go to fucking Florida to be cold? They do the same shit in Arizona. They bathe in air conditioning.

Yeah. Bathe, fucking iced, chilly, willy, fucking. The fucking hallway at the hotel last night. you walk out of your room and go oh i better go back and get a jacket and a hat just to get to the lobby yeah i understand keeping it cool when it's fucking overwhelmingly hot out but you don't have to make it the opposite of going to a warm place maybe that's what people do when they get here because they're coming from cold places or places

that are nowhere near as hot as Florida can be. But it's not even hot. You don't go to fucking Alaska in the winter and then it's 97 degrees inside the restaurant to offset that. But it's like

it's a nice comfortable 71 degrees it's like, it's a nice, comfortable 71 degrees outside. Yeah, it's perfect outside. So why would you need to? And fucking air conditioning sucks. I mean, I hate using air conditioning in my car even. And you get this, it's like airplane air. It should dry you out, but it... So yeah, I've been waking up every night.

We're on the last night. We have one more show after this podcast. We're in the green room in Orlando, the improv. And then I just fucking autopilot this fucking show, pour enough cocktails into my head that I... That's the other thing. I know it's a fucking hour, but to do comedy when you're fucking miserable and angry and you can't see

anything funny in what you're doing, like all the bits that I love to do a week ago, I think suck. I hate the audience. This is our fourth show. The first one I saw, I could tell, I was like, tell all right there's a fine line when you're selling anger and you're really angry you have to really fucking watch yourself and dial it

back otherwise you just sound like a cunt and i saw that in the first show plus it was west palm yeah which is kind of a different kind of geographically speaking. We found out after the fact that the club is like blocks away from Jeffrey Epstein's mansion. Yeah, last night

the waiter said, did you walk past Epstein's place? Oh, wow. That would be an Andy move. Andy loves to go see John Bonet Ramsey's house and John Wayne Gacy's house. He'd go there to jerk off in the

philodendron. Stepped in a new story. Another one off his bucket list. Yeah, West Palm is really fucking snooty and Another one off his bucket list. Yeah, West Palm is really fucking snooty. It was not sold out. So the second night in Dania Beach, which is basically Fort Lauderdale. The third Fort Lauderdale improv I've been to since working either with you or Hedberg.

Fort Lauderdale adjacent. Yeah. One was Hollywood. That was a good one. That old Hollywood, it was in the hard rock, but attached to the same lot. I think they shared a corridor or something like that. Yeah. corridor or something like that. I remember that one. First of all, that was where we found our biggest

score in a thrift store. This just endless thrift store kind of warehouse. It was as big as Kmart used to be with the big windows and you could see all through Kmart.

I'm not wrong. It's kind of like where you found storage over there on Cochise Row, that kind of warehouse, long, old, loading. It was all windows in the front. Because now you don't have all windows in the front. Maybe it's a safety feature or maybe energy, to conserve energy. But in the 70s, Kmart andody's white front all those places you could see the to the back of the store from the parking lot and across the entire front of it and this is what

it was it was a it was a you know an old uh shopping center from the 50s or 60s yeah that was before the the vintage suit era but we would still just wear stupid things we'd go to thrift stores and just wear fucking you know muslim prayer robes and i found one of those i found some like not polyester even like light lice like plastic yeah it was like gay fucking mardi gras shorts they're like daisy dukes but they're like purple. They were Daisy Dukes. You also had some acid wash outfit. But the shorts, I remember wearing, I think I wore that with the acid wash vest. Yeah. And one ball hanging out. You did like a staged one leg up on like the couch, like a JCPenney model.

Yeah, we were fucking on air. We had the FUBU Fat Albert shirt. Like club wear or whatever. That'd probably be worth something on eBay now. I don't even know who we were with. It might have been just me, you, and Bingo.

I think we had to leave Walsh behind at that gig in Lakeland. We did. Because we had to drive through the night. With the winner's circle. Yeah. Winner's circle in Lakeland. We left that night.

Yeah. We had to. Because we had to do morning radio. God damn it. Yeah. I should quit bitching about being sick and start counting my blessings. And we don't have to do morning radio. To do this, to be sick like this, and to do the miles and to different places each night.

And to get there early enough to do morning drive time. Yep. Yeah. Who wants the old days, man? That was where I remember we had a sold out show. Because we were doing a weekend, I believe. Which gig is this? That Hollywood.

Yeah. Well, maybe we were just doing one show. I don't know. But all I know is there was a sold-out show where they said afterwards, waitresses were talking about how John Turturro tried to get in and how happy they were to smugly tell him, no, sorry, it's sold out. I'm like, fuck you.

You should have put him in the green room. I don't know what the advantage to that is. Hard Rock, aren't they supposed to cater to the celebrity clientele? They market it that way? I don't think it was in the Hard Rock. I hard rock was next you entered through the front because i remember

the first time i was here i think with or i was with you on that one i think joe rogan was going to be there next week and i had a picture this week you were on one side of the marquee and you could see the joe rogan part of the other. Yeah, I get the sentiment where if you work in an area like this where fucking big shots show up and think they can just do anything, you want to fucking shit

on their grass. Yeah. Fuck John Turturro. Sold out. I don't know why you would... Unless they had something personal, like maybe he comes in every week and tries to get in or something. But I mean, it might be like, it is an area where a lot of people probably show up and say,

do you know who I am? Even if they're nobody, here's a picture of my yacht. Yeah. It's probably a bunch of fucking country where, yeah, the working man likes to get a little bit of fucking revenge. But I also would have liked to meet

John Turturro. Yeah, that would have been cool. Yeah. So yeah, then Fort Lauderdale was good this time. At least I had a really fun show. As miserable as I was. Brand new club, Dania Beach.

The road out in front of the venue still isn't finished. They're still laying brick. But I think they'd only been open three months, so 12 weeks of shows. See that thing? Do what makes your soul happy.

The green room at Dania Beach was completely done up. The bathroom had all these essence of, it was all bed, bath, and beyond. Totally. Target fucking inspirational live, laugh, love shit. Country collection kind of.

I might have been the first person to smoke in there, and I felt bad about it. I tried to smoke a lot in the bathroom near the fan, at least until i got drunk that was probably one of the best green rooms in that there was some forethought because they had a tv with audio from the state we could watch something else but one of them was hooked up in-house they uh could control it from the green room or from the, from the sound booth. But when you're in the green room,

you could turn the volume up or down. And they also had a stage that went out from the, from the green room, right onto the stage. That's, and they had their own personal, like a private bathroom. I mean,

these things, it seems simple. Well, what we do, if I know I can get away with smoking in the green room, I'll come hours early. I just sit rather than fucking sit in the hotel and go outside to smoke. I'll just go there.

And they had two TVs and Junior was as spent as I was. Junior is on some kind of weird kick where he's waking up at six in the morning and then in the afternoon would take a nap right up until we had to leave for the show and we'd have to roust them while we're fucking waiting in the car are you coming or not oh hang on i think i was sleeping so we're just sitting there hours early and fucking the impractical jokers i love so. It's the best hangover marathon. If I'm at home, I can just sit and watch Impractical Jokers after Impractical Jokers and fucking laugh my balls off. I don't care how many times I've seen it. And they have like fucking nine seasons in the can.

It's always on, too. Yeah. Well, it was on opposite like we're both just sprawled out with our legs up our heads in the back of the couch our feet on the coffee table watching two hours of impractical jokers and i said to junior i've never not wanted to do a show more i just want to sit here and watch impractical jokers and be sick is that being sick at home is a fantastic feeling. If I was this sick and I was at home, I would never want to get better because when you're that sick, you don't feel any pressure. There's no voice in the back of your head going,

oh, you should be working on this or you have a list of things to do and there's bills to pay. No, I'm just trying to fucking live. I'm just trying to pay. No, I'm just trying to fucking live. I'm just trying to survive. But to have that on the road, I have to go out and then knock, knock at the green room door. It's fucking Flip Schultz, who is a comic I worked with in the 90s. Back when

I was dating Betsy Wise I think we worked together you were headlining and he was working his way up yeah we worked together a couple times in Florida and he lives back here now so and and we didn't have like we usually get a local opener to you know there's always local comics hanging out anyway. So I always tell the manager, if you see someone up front that wants to do five up front, well, we didn't have that person. So Flip comes in. I go, hey, you want to do five up front? Actually, for Flip. Worse than that, the one guy they had was stuck in traffic.

He wasn't going to be there until after like 15 minutes after the show would have started. And I'm all, cut it. No, we've got gotta get this going. I wanted to get us in and out of there because of how you were feeling. And then out of nowhere, flip Schultz walks in. Yeah. And so it's immediately old stories and he's got 90 stories that I don't remember. Like I remember this scene and I know it was chaos and I know I was,

I was that guy that did weird shit in the condo uh that's great yeah that was the condo that uh i got my identity stolen by a prostitute i i hired a hooker it was i i think it was with uh dan tosh and chicken michael yeah different time but same condo and uh they're like oh we had the whatever new times back when you get it you just called the prostitute out of the fucking classified section like you dare you dare you like i'll do fucking i got a hooker i was fucking hammered so we call call a call a prostitute. It's the fucking middle of the night. And they're, like, hiding in their rooms.

Like, oh, my God, what's going to happen? And she came in and she said, you're paying with credit card? Okay, I'm going to have to call it into the service. And she's like, okay, and what's the credit credit card number and I read it off to her I'm fucking wasted and she goes okay and what's the expiration date I give it to her she goes okay what's your social security

number and I rattle it off wait you gave her yeah I didn't catch till after I said it I shouldn't that by now I've already hooker-proofed my room. I've hid all my cash and my valuables. So that's when now I go, oh, I fucked up, but it's too late.

And I remember the bathroom was connected to my room, and she goes, Oh, I want to, I want to use your bathroom first. Is that cool? And I go, Oh,

um, is it okay if I watch? Cause I didn't want her. Is it connected to the room where I've hidden all my, I don't want her fucking shutting the door and then going into the Locking it and then having free reign. Yeah. Cause she would know the first three places that she looked would probably have been where you hit it exactly yeah the guy that just rattled off his

social security number without thinking about it boy do i got a room yeah let me guess uh under the mattress between the mattress and box spring between two books yeah like there's books and a comedy so I said can I watch she's like yeah and then so she starts pissing she goes do you want me to piss on you I'm like no this is good I just want to keep an eye on her and then I

I fucked her or whatever I don't know it's all forgotten we all laugh in the morning and then years later, I get a collection notice, collection for a Pac Bell or Bell South or whatever,

some phone bill. I go, I never lived in Florida. Like, what the fuck? And it was negligible. It was like 89 bucks or something. But, and then I'm calling the club the club i'm like do you think someone at the club fucking stole my uh whatever i fill out after the week and like i have no idea and then finally creeper memory oh that hooker with the social security number yeah someone started a phone bill in my name with my social security number.

$89. Yeah. I didn't pay it. But yeah, so Flip has all these stories like that. So evidently, when I was working with him. Want another drink? Yeah, yeah. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

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That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope for 10% off your first month. When I was working with Flip What was the venue called? No, it wasn't Uncle Funny's. That's the other one. I forget. But it was West Palm.

Okay, but this is the comedy condo. Yeah. This is where. You were happy. Every fucking time I worked there. There's a story for every time I worked there. And I don't remember most of them. I opened for Pauly Shore there once.

I was doing a week. But he was doing a special event. But he had his tour bus. Again, 90s. uh and he didn't even come out of his tour bus until i was ready to introduce him and he walked on stage and i i never even met him uh but afterwards you know it's paully Shore fans. So I met a woman who fit that. Brendan Walsh, I steal your joke all the time, not on stage, but I tell people your joke because it comes in handy so much. Walsh would talk about all these Florida women of a certain age.

And, you know, they used to be really hot, but now they kind of just look like Robert Plant. I think I just told this story recently, but who cares? To me. But no, no, about this woman from the Pauly Shore audience that I took back to the condo. And it was the first time I'd actually fisted someone, like actually gotten, not the lady fist like this. Like the squished fingers together to make a cone. Yeah.

But this is where I got in like that. But then I could actually make a closed fist inside. She had had some children, turns out. Like the lamb chop. Get your hands over like a sock puppet. Sade. Sade. Sade. Sade. get your hands over like a sock puppet sorry that's a south park episode i just saw uh and uh again years later after that incident i was doing opiate anthony one of the first times i did oppie and Anthony and they go hey we're going to take some calls you mind taking some calls and you always cringe

because they're fucking stern or Opie fans they can be such assholes get this fucking douche bag off the air he's not funny like I'm expecting that this lady says that she hooked up with you and I'm panicking because I have a girlfriend I'm sure

at the time I always and you're like all right please god don't be someone please be someone i cheated on the last girl with and she's like yeah i saw you open for paulie shore in west palm beach and i went you're the lady i fisted she goes yeah that's me. She's all proud of it. She couldn't be happier to be on the air. Yeah, you fisted me. So in those days, especially

in South Florida, and there's always fucking drugs and there's always chaos and there's always a woman that looks kind of like Robert Plant. So with Flip, and there's always a woman that looks kind of like robert plant uh uh so with flip uh evidently he left us alone me and the other act there's three acts and he left all his shit there he was dating a really hot chick that was way out of his league and we were busting his balls relentlessly. He says that, too. Yeah. So we gave him the master bedroom. Because you were headlining.

Yeah, so I gave him the headliner's room because he had a hot chick, and I'm just... I don't mind fucking sleeping on the couch or the other room or wherever. You did last night. Yeah. And he's like, yeah,

you remember when you did all the things like to my shit and like that sounds familiar he goes i still have the video i'll send and he sent it to chaley this is 25 years ago flip schultz still has i guess i took his video camera and had the other act filming me i'm pulling my cock up to my belly button and scrubbing my nuts like like i'm trying to get a stain out with his toothbrush i am scrubbing my balls and then i take his cell phone and i just wipe it up and down my ass crack you you swiped his uh like kind of a long Blackberry kind of, like, you swiped it down your butt crack like you were swiping a credit card. Yeah.

I was like, yeah, I've seen enough. God, I was so fucking thin and tan. He sent it. He sent it, like, within hours. I mean, the next morning it was in my inbox. I'm like, he had it. That was ready to go. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe he was just ready to me too me. Flip Schultz me too. Don't stand up. And then I'm like using his shaver in my butt crack, shaving my butt crack out with that. And then I thought that was the end of it and then you showed me more oh no junior is watching it i i saw enough oh maybe i just handed

my phone over and you guys were watching it you and tracy yeah well then i i found one of his head shots and i i carved the mouth of his head shot out and then I yanked my cock through his mouth. It was just gratuitous and on and on and on. Yeah, there was no internet back then, but as long as there was footage back then, there's the internet now. I wanted

to put it on Twitter because Flip was talking about it on Twitter. I don't know. I don't even know if you can post that. You can't. And if you want to put it on, wait till I get back home. But porn chicks fucking post like.

Yeah, but we also don't have a week coming up in the show at the in Vegas coming up. But I'm saying, I don't know if it's against their terms of service. I'm sure it would be. You. But all the porn chicks, they can put like, they put fucking teaser clips of them fucking.

Ask one of the porn chicks. Well, I'm thinking, because now that I'm all into this space hay, I don't know if you're on the Space Hay yet. Someone made a recreation of a social network that looks exactly

like the old MySpace. It works like the old MySpace. The same template. I don't know how long that's going to stay up. And it's called Space Hay. H-E-Y. Yeah. And Junior found it somehow.

And there's already like a half a million users on it. I think it's been around for a lot longer than Junior telling me about it. Oh, yeah. But then I thought, oh, well, I'm just trying to get people on there because it's so much fun to sit there like I did in 2006 when I first got on MySpace, like seeing how many new friend requests I have and just trying to figure out how it all works again. And it's, yeah, it's a little going down nostalgia row. So I thought maybe I'll just post it on that because if I get kicked off of Space Hay open another account like you lose all your Twitter

rights or whatever so yeah look me up on Space Hay and signing up for you know I have fucking no technological skills signing up for Space Hay was just yep put in your email verify it's your email, verify it's your email, and then it's yours.

And if you're that old, I'm sure there's people out there that never had MySpace. Yeah. Very retro. I can fix that video a little bit, too, to where we put some modesty

blurs or something. Why? Well, to keep it up so to speak. No, no, that's the whole point. Thank you. Well, I mean it'll stay online. No one has to see the money shot. There's no penetration. I know.

There's a lot of massaging. It's kind of like that when we played that gag with my ex-girlfriend, when I had the old pictures of her naked when we were dating when we were 18, hopefully. And she was at the show in San Diego and I passed out naked. My brother just found old pictures from when we lived in Vegas and he found a picture of her naked in the bathtub. Like a shoebox full of photos. And I knew she was coming to the show.

So I had fucking Hennigan print up a hundred copies at Kinko's. Like a one sheet? Yeah, and I tell her, hey, my friend, my old girlfriend Lisa's here. You guys remember her from last time. And hey, my brother found some old photos

of you and you just hear her go oh God I go here's a and I held up the the one you know four by six photo mat photo oh you can't see that don't worry Hennegan blew it out and I i passed the stack hair everyone take one pass it back pass it around and she was as happy as i was seeing that video yeah 18 year old yeah yeah all hot and thin yeah i was all tan and unhairy and they could add something to do with that. It seems like, well, it was funny because at the end, you know, now everyone has a picture of her naked and, uh, and I closed,

I go, Oh, by the way, uh, I don't remember if she was 17 or 18 when I took that picture. So you might be holding child porn and she was signing them at the merch booth. Yeah.

She had a fucking gas gas i think that the whole you know the fucking cancel culture thing i know it's a thing but i think that we keep breathing air into it because we're fighting with people that we don't know and this we make it exist by you know saying this is bullshit well who like not not my social circle yeah flip schultz keeps that because it's fucking hilarious elisa aust is fucking love that moment because it was hilarious and i would love to put out i i i watched it and i said to chaley god i fucking felt so bad because i i used to be fun like god damn it why i don't i do shit like that anymore you just don't i didn't like the sound of that because i share a hotel room with you almost every night but i guess you always have to be one-upping yourself i can't't just, I did the thing with the toothbrush again.

Like every day. Toothbrush, balls. I need more toothbrushes. We got a long weekend coming up in San Antonio. How do you, how do you fucking, like Walsh? I mean, Walsh still is fantastic. And the shit he's doing on stage with the World Record podcast and doing that shit live. B-Man.

He can always pull something new out of it. As far as just stupid pranks like that, it only goes so far. I remember when I did Bill Burr's podcast. He's like, yeah, you're like the new guy. Like John Fox was always the comic that you didn't want to follow into a comedy condo. He's like the, the reason there's the don't eat the mayonnaise because he'd stick his dick

in the mayonnaise. I don't know if it's urban legend or not, but when I did Bill Burr's podcast, he's like, yeah, you're like new John Fox. And I'm like, I haven't been that guy forever. And I never stuck my dick in the mayonnaise. I just fucked around with comics.

I did that to Sean Rouse. I did the toothbrush on my balls, his toothbrush at the El Paso condo. And sent him a picture later when I got it developed. But yeah, there's still fun to be had out there. I think it's just a matter of surrounding yourself with decent people and hope they don't grow up and become assholes or born-agains that blame you for the fun that they used to have. You said last night, people with phones. That fucking lady last night.

Do we have to pause for a commercial? We can pause and do a commercial right now. Yeah, I should all piss, and then we'll talk about that fucking cunt. Please hold. Hey, you hear us talking about Panamint Springs all the time, the home of our legendary parties, but it's actually just a beautiful resort. If you're thinking about taking a road trip, you want to drive out through the middle of nowhere and leave the world behind, Panamint Springs Resort is a small, rustic, western-style resort located in beautiful Panamint Valley in Death Valley National Park.

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I know this cough makes it sound like I'm going to be dead before the next episode and that's the problem. I feel like I'm just getting better enough that I might live which is worse fucking dying before this show that's why fucking Ratso Rizzo died at the end of

Midnight Cowboy when John Voight finally got that wheezing motherfucker onto a bus to get out of New York City. And he's going to take him to Florida where he can fucking breathe the air. And he dies on the bus just as they're getting into Florida. He realizes Ratso Rizzo is dead. And you know why?

Because that bus probably had the air conditioning set to 59 degrees. But fucking bury me in my stage, man. Underpants. Fucking getting rave reviews from the stage, man. Go to stage man dot com. Promo code Stan Hope. Get yourself two pairs. And it's the only two pairs.

I have not changed these underpants since we've been here because I've been too cold to take off my clothes to get in the shower. Just that one fucking minute between a hot shower and the cold air outside, I would crumble and die in my stage man underpants, but it would still look like I was presenting. Stage man underpants are the fucking false advertising push-up bra for the man. But it's not like you're going to show them off. What it does, it keeps your whole cock and balls off your thighs. And you know what? We've promoted other underpants in the past, and there's nothing against them.

But you know what? Things advance. Progress happens. They find new innovations. And now the balls have met the cock, and they're fucking both pulled away from you and held gently in a loving manner. And they hold up. These underwear are as fucking snug and perfect as the week I put them on.

Whenever that was before I left Arizona. And yeah, as cold as it is inside, it's still muggy outside. But my balls ain't muggy. If you have any doubt, get the stage, man. And then after wearing them for a couple of days, go back to your old underpants. Do it. And you tell me that will be if it doesn't become evident immediately, it will after you put that on. Because that is the proof right there. Yeah, you won't go back.

I did notice that i had to go to uh marshalls or ross to get you some t-shirts because you shaved your head in a t-shirt and i only brought a couple of t-shirts unwearable and then i was because i've been sweating so much at night usually yeah two t-shirts will last me a full week easy uh but then i shaved my head i'd already sweat through one at night then i shaved my head wearing another one drunk shaved your head so it's all over everything yeah and i thought i could just shake it out but not in fucking humid climates no that's stuck in there like a fucking chia pet so in the morning i go to i go to ross pick up some uh some t-shirts a

three-pack and what i always do is hit the underwear section first just to see what they got because they've got a bunch of different brands and i'm standing there for about two beats and i go oh i don't need to be here i don't have to shop for underwear anymore that was it went right over to the to the t-shirts and got the out of there but that's the thing is that you get used to what you're used to. It honestly is unlike any other fucking underwear ever. It's not, oh, it's just a cozy fit and it washes nice. No, these are fucking different. It's good.

Get yourself stage mans. We're telling you now. You'll get them eventually. Get your fucking man stage mans for Christmas. Don't look at them. Just give them to them. Get a black and a purple. That's the only two colors they come in so

get them one black one purple the black is a cotton and the purple is like a like a poly blender or lycra blender something like that so it's different two different kinds two different colors and that's it um yeah go to stageman.com use promo code stanhope to get 10 off and that's how we get paid. So be sure to do that. Yeah, I don't even give a fuck about the paid part. I want you to just say you were right, because I keep hearing you were right over and over again, and I like to hear that. That's worth more than the cut.

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Last night, the Tampa Improv, I don't have the posture for that room. I'm already draped over naturally in this old man's seahorse posture. And the Tampa improv is like playing a cylinder. It's got three balconies, but almost like straight up, like the third balcony, you almost have to lean over. Three levels. Three levels.

Two balconies. Yeah. But it's almost in a fucking cylinder. It's like to look up, like my neck doesn't work like that to look up at the third balcony. And now being sick, I have the posture of a man who's trying to suck his own dick on stage. I'm just leaned over and this it's Tampa.

I know what the people are like. Ybor city. I get the fucking vibe and there's a lot of chicks that long to be influencers and just this chick is and they make

the announcement a thousand times no phones or you're gonna get chucked out no fucking recording of any kind and I'm just into my set and this girl that looks like all the fucking girls on myspace that have a fucking a fans only type thing yeah that makeup that like this had to take you the entire day it's like face painting like the face painters

where i went to at skank fest did more work in less time than anyway she's sitting on the phone in the you know second row to my left like right where i can see her. She's not on her phone like she's filming me. She's on her phone like she's taking selfies of herself. She's acting like she's just... Hang on. Yeah.

We'll be done in... Give us 15 minutes. We're just doing a podcast. We have two locals here. I would say. Yeah, just 15 minutes. Okay. Yeah, give us 15 minutes. We're in the middle of a podcast.

We're live. Thanks. There's two other guys out there. That's too late. And I just, I said, and I do my one fucking joke i have about fucking no cell phones and i do the joke and ha ha ha and she's like laughs and just keeps like fucking lady put your fucking phone away and she's she's still busy and then she then she thinks it's funny to get up and take a selfie with me from the audience she got up turned her around with you at her back and then took the selfie

and then waves at the audience like i'm part of the show yeah i'm like you fucking have get the fuck out of here i i was like because i'm sick and like i was i was like yeah physically angry i'm like fuck you and i'm like chucker expecting someone from security is going to go over there nobody did i'm on the third level yeah i'm looking straight down and i can see her and i'm looking at tracy i go all right well this is this is going to get handled because you were basically saying aesthetically the Tampa Improv is not my favorite place to play because you walk in you get through a back door and then they get you through a loading dock but then you have to take an elevator up to the second floor, walk the stairs to the third floor to get to your green room, which is there's no toilet up there.

If you want to go to the toilet, you have to walk back down to the second level, walk through the crowd to the men's room. And like next time I have to plan ahead and just bring some fucking empty water bottles to piss in. I don't want to piss in the trash can. I've done that several times in places where you go, all right, it's your fault. Wait, we're in your fucking garage for a green room?

I'm pissing in the trash can. So, I look down and I'm like, this is going to get handled. It'll be fine fine and then it seemed like you you had stifled it enough that she you know did her fucking stupid you know thing and someone would go over there and say

something to her and no one ever did and that's when I started to go down but now I have to go down and fly the stairs I have to wait for the elevator I get down to the bottom floor and you've stopped now you have stopped. Now you've stopped the show. Well,

the second, the second time she kept doing, I go, you're fucking still on your fucking phone. Like I'm just stretching my brain, like silly buddy to get through my act. Like the fucking local opener already kind of stepped on my dick inadvertently. And a five minute set he fucking

which was probably he says uh you know not good things about my opening joke maybe it's too easy if he's stepping on my dick but uh so i'm just trying to work around that and riff stuff from the weekend about being sick and try to explain to people like what condition i'm in and be in the moment and then she's back on her fucking phone. I go, lady, maybe you can play this. You recorded it, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe you'll play the parts. You did it. What do you do? Taking selfies? You look like the type. Put your phone away. I'm serious. Put your phone away. Now, she's going to be...

I have to make an example of you. Like the fucking shaman guy. Put your fucking phone away. Chucker. That's the difference between when you're working fucking sick and you're just working drunk.

I am sick and not drunk enough to fucking tolerate that. Sometimes you go, I am sick and not drunk enough to fucking tolerate that. Sometimes you go, fuck you, and sometimes you go, fuck you. And there's a real fine balance. Influencer? influencer guessing fucking twat i remember she's like i'm sorry but my sister's having a baby because now she's right texting again my sister's having a baby i'm like oh you better leave right now if your sister i i am so upset about your sister's baby that i can't tell another joke until you leave and go see your sister having a baby. And then I just waited. Your sister's having a baby.

Then you should go. Jesus, you should know you should really fucking leave because your sister's having a baby. In fact, I'm so fucking worried about your sister's baby that I can't tell jokes until you leave. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, right to her fucking sister's baby. She goes, I'm serious, though. Do you see me not telling jokes? Because I'm not telling a joke until you fucking leave.

I was very polite the first time. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. time. She's going. She's going. Her? I can't tell either. How do you identify? And then the crowd's fucking... You froze, staring right at her without saying another word. And she just...

And then she kept talking back and texting and talking back. And then I finally started singing the Jeopardy theme song. And I'm still waiting the whole time for fucking staff to come over and do something about this. After you did that, that's when I started my way down. I'm like, oh whole time for fucking staff to come over and do something about this after you did that that's when I started my way down I'm like oh fuck this isn't this isn't over

and I because I told Tracy I go uh what do you think over and under 60 minutes is she gonna make it to the end of the show she had her fucking guy with her and he's like yeah well I'm not leaving and I've got the keys like she can fucking leave but I'm not leaving because of her and I felt so bad for that guy there's so many times in comedy and every comic can tell you the time where the fucking the dude

wants to stay and she's being a fucking asshole and I'm sure it works the other way too for other comics but for me it's usually the dude wants to stay there have been times where the dude's upset and the chick's gonna stay a couple but that's what i had worked my way down well if you make fun of the chick and the dude gets like all you don't fucking say that about my girl and she knows it's a joke. Yeah. Yeah, that happens too, but less, more rare.

Oh, there you go. He took the phone. It's just said, oh, no, don't set it up here. Then she'll fucking be. It'll be like a dog treat. I'm going to take it now. Too late. Dude said, put it in your dirty pocket.

That was very funny. And it killed some time while I tried to figure out where the fuck I was again. Anytime I see a fucking phone in the audience now, it's NARC. That's a fucking NARC. Someone who's fucking waiting for you to say something to send a TMZ. Where were we? Oh, maybe I should check her phone. Science! Science, paperwork, taxes, whatever. So at that point, that's when I got down to the bottom floor.

But I went to the wrong office. I'm knocking on the box office, not the office. The office is back up on the third fucking floor where the manager was. Yeah, where the toilet should be. Right next to the green room. So I'm knocking on the door and no one's answering because the show's already going you're on there's no one in the box office now so i'm going fuck how come that like what's going on and then that's when the one guy that

was uh working security is like which gal was it no one from security or who was acting in that capacity saw who it was and now i'm at the level that everyone's seated so it's hard to go see the girl pass that girl but not to the guy and it's like it's tough because she's not standing up anymore now i'm looking across 40 people to point out which person it is by just their head well then then the dude just finally grabs her cell phone from her and hands it to me so i put it up on the stage all right this will this will last for a while and at this point either i throw her out or i gotta fucking stop because it's fucking up my act every time she's doing this this is like right in the middle of a bit that is being built up to a place and

it's sucking all the fucking steam out of it and you can only do that so long on a fucking milquetoast brain where so i just try to ignore her and then i see her she's ordered tequila shots and i have my peripheral vision on her but I won't look in her direction because she's now this I'm the center of the show. And I just started to say, don't try to fucking, I see what you're doing. I'm not looking at her. I'm looking up into the balconies. I'm looking everywhere.

I see what you're doing. I have peripheral vision. Don't fucking try to make up. Just shut the fuck up. Drink your own shot. I can order my own shots. If I want a shot, think of everything. Don't do shot. I can order my own shots if I want a shot. Think of everything. Don't do it.

I see what you're doing. Don't do that. I have peripheral vision. I already have my eyes on you. You fuck up one more joke. I'm not kidding. I think I know you're trying to make a statement of peace, but I'll get my own shots. Thank you. Alright. Alright.

Is there an extra seat up there on the third balcony for this lady put her in some kind of quarantine up there for the rest of the show you can do my shot for me. I'm definitely going to need another one of these.

That's a double well whiskey, the splash of Coke. Hey, no more smoke, my man? Yeah, I smoke after the show, which hopefully, God willing, comes soon. And as the show goes on, she's then standing up and clapping at jokes just to like, I got to get the attention back on me. At some point, she went to the fucking bathroom and i fucking saw that and i handed the dude the phone back and i was just get her the fuck out of here if you can and then the next time i look over they're both gone and i'm like oh thank fucking god no they both probably

went to do a line of coke together in the toilet and then they're both back at the end and i'm like all right i'm wrapping this up fucking quickly here's a they're both back at the end and i'm like all right i'm wrapping this up fucking quickly here's a closer get the fuck out of here and i like ebor usually i'm prepared for to fuck around like that and then go out after the show but no i'm a fucking dying up here i'm like just trying not to fucking ratso rizzo cough myself to death in a puddle up there. And then after the show, someone was out

front with them and said, oh, they came back. Probably the opener, John Jacobs. Yeah. Came back. Yeah. Yeah, she's out front. She's saying that you only fucked with her because she's really good looking. What?

What? That's exactly what a girl like that would say. I know. A hundred percent. Yeah. Aye, aye, aye. That was 20 minutes into your set that that all started to take place. And everything else happened during those last 40, 45 minutes.

It was fucking brutal. I was so fucking angry. And then that fucking lady. Never mind. And then that other lady. You just get back to the fucking hotel and you think, all right. Me and Tracy can go outside,

fucking smoke cigarettes out in front of the hotel. And then there's that other lady. I thought you might be staying here. Are you the landlady from fucking Kingpin? here are you the landlady from kingpin yeah uh she said i thought you might be staying here i go were you at the show she goes yeah you told me to sit in the back that means you were in another show where you said hey no well means you were at another show where you said hey no well definitely someone who was hanging around saying i'm gonna go to your next show oh don't tell me you're coming to a fucking another show because you're gonna hear the same shit so i would have told her to well then don't fucking

sit in the front where i can see you and then she's looking at me like we had a date. And then she looked at fucking Tracy and she said, who are you? She goes, I'm Tracy. I go, this is an escort I just hired. And then she and then we walked inside and then I called the front desk. I go, is that fucking barefoot lady still out front? He goes, no, she just walked walked back down the the hallway crying yeah these are all these are all stories that would be amusing if i wasn't in a horrible

horrible physical condition they're still amusing yeah yeah they they are but at the time i just want to go fuck you and i want to hurt someone's feelings yeah you know when you get like when you're a wounded pit bull in a corner yeah i don't want to be funny with you like i could have made those stories funny instead i was just like get the fuck away from me i think i said that on stage last night oh i gotta check myself there's a difference between saying you and you that's what you did last night i did that i did a lot of stuff you didn't get that either she laughed at that well she was one of those ones that's one of these things. There's a couple of fucking comedy clubs that are doing this thing where

you can't buy a fucking single ticket. They're selling them in pairs and blaming COVID. If someone from one of these fucking treacherous places wants to explain your logic to me, but I don't know of any other comic that has

more of a fucking single alone person fan base than my audience are the most likely to just go yeah i'm going alone because nobody talks to me i get a big loner fan base and you put in this i i'm sure you have some kind of uh they sell they sell a table is what they're selling a table for two they don They sell a table is what they're selling. A table for two. They don't sell a table for one. So that's basically... And I haven't heard the total explanation. I can only guess.

Well, I know it started with COVID because they were spacing out audiences. They had to have less seats. Overall seats. They couldn't pack them in. So they wanted tables to be full. But... With someone you know that you're quarantined with, allegedly. But now

they're milking that in. They're going, hey, you have to buy two tickets thing is working out. That's my conspiracy theory. My theory is that they just wanted the room to be packed towards the front. But if you buy a table for two seats

and only one person's sitting there, it's still an empty seat. I don't like to see empty seats. Why is there an empty seat? Another loner with the fucking loner. Absolutely. Especially in Florida. My loner fans don't necessarily

like one another either. Anyway, so that's the rest of my complaining now i get on a plane i uh chaley's been filling me full of fucking robitussin uh that's helped the drives yeah i i know that whole theory of if you drink a bunch of Robitussin you start fucking tripping and I haven't tried to push it to that level but I'm also buying me small bottles if you bought me a big bottle I might have been swigging off of that the whole fucking drive every time we drove

alligator alley yeah we're lucky we had it I bought probably the last bottle of Robitussin at the 7-Eleven in Ybor City. I was shocked they even had it in stock. I saved half of it for the morning. Yeah. And I'm going to fly, fly, fly away.

Fly, fly. Fly, fly. Fly away. We don't have to pay. When I sing, we don't have to pay royalties because it sounds nothing like the song. No one will recognize the song. No. Yeah, and then Tracy and I go back to Austin,

and then we drive back from there, and then we'll see you in a couple days. Yeah. I'm so looking forward. Next show. Next show, New Year's Eve. I think there's a – Hennigan said there's 23 tickets left or something. Yeah. At the Plaza.

And it just reopened the international travel. The U.S. is just now letting people come in. And he said, we've already sold five tickets internationally. And Wolverhampton, he said,

there's a couple of tickets from Wolverhampton. I don't know what Brian Hennigan does other than sit around and look at ticket counts. You should be getting my fucking book out in print. Where they're from.

All right. Well, it's time to find our openers and get the show going here. All right. Bingo. Take us out of here from afar. Okay. Bye-bye now. us out of here from afar okay bye bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប�នបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.