The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP #473: Making Movies

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

Doug talks about an upcoming movie project. Bingo introduces a traf to the listeners. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Recorded Dec 8th, 2021 at the FunHouse in BIsbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Raider (@daveraider), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 LINKS - Liquid IV - Grab your favorite Liquid I.V. flavors nationwide at Walmart or you can get 25% off when you go to LiquidIV.com and use code STANHOPE at checkout. Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo by ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, thank you Liquid IV for sponsoring this episode. Grab your favorite Liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use Stanhope, code Stanhope at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code Stanhope at liquidiv.com. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I can't.

We one time, when Chad is over here, just get him to fucking say podcast and enunciate the T. I have it. I just, I haven't. You have it? You just do it to annoy me the tea. I have it. I just haven't. You have it? You just do it to annoy me. No, I have to. My dander. There's a lot more involved than just putting it.

I have to reproduce the opening credits. You reproduce everything. Yeah, I guess so. Listen, we just did two podcasts in a row to promote andy's thing we did the drinking bros and then we did anthony cumia which i did i forget to mention to anthony cumia that andy said oh after you do the drinking bros to promote my works because and Andy was getting some kind of medical testing done. He couldn't show up for these gigs. So I sat in for Andy.

Like, oh, well, we could cancel it, but oh, if Stanhope will come on in his stead, we'll do it. With Paul Provenza. And I don't mind doing that. I fucking love promoting Andy. Yeah. And andy did get

out of his medical testing to show up for both of them late on the first and then he was there for the second uh point being what was my point raider i have no idea we just did two podcasts in a row promoting him and i forgot to tell cumia that after i agreed to do this for andy andy called me back hey oh about the first one drinking bros he said hey would you mind uh doing one right after the drinking bros with anthony cuomo and i went all right like I have no idea why. And I didn't even, it took me 20 minutes to put together that he had fucked up Kumi,

his last name, because it's Andrew Cuomo, not Anthony Cuomo. But it's Andy. So you're like, I guess. Like,

I've actually done Opie and Anthony when that fuckhead Carlson Tucker back when when it was in the days where they did Crossfire and it was that fucking wet lip man

and bow tied Tucker when he wore a bow tie and I'm like you're a piece of shit I was just a guest but he called in and I'm like what a piece of shit this guy is and they're like no no no no he's a friend but anthony's like anthony uh cuomo or kumia yeah he's right wing right i don't want

to put wings on people okay i have i believe that everyone is far right and i'm not what are you how are you supposed to say it no he's he's got opinions that would lean far right. But I believe that everyone's pragmatic. It's everyone else that's putting everyone into fucking corners and sides. Like, no, I don't think Cumia would be like pro-life. But he leans in whatever way the fucking wind blows yeah he he leans well that's not right yeah he's got opinions but i believe he's like me without putting any effort into figuring it out because i don't give a fuck what he believes i believe that like i i know how like skank fest a legion of skanks and those people are pigeonholed into

right wing when I think they're just being pragmatic about specific issues but you can't do that anymore you can't believe this well I went through it. I'm fucking old. I've watched every one of these issues be cyclical or disappear. I mean, I remember when fucking Reagan was like running for office and homelessness was an issue. Well, what is homelessness ever been an issue when it should be? But everything else, fucking priest molestation cyclical they act like it's a fucking new thing every time i'm an old man yeah they just keep rerunning the same episodes of the news that's why i love i i'm sure i've talked about it but i keep buying old issues

of random usa todays that I can read on airplanes. And I thought it would be funny because I always dress like a 70s fucking Herb Tarlick asshole in my plaid suits. And I thought it'd be funny to just read these fucking newspapers. And then I do actually read them on the plane. And it's amazing that the stories are the same fucking stories and only kids get upset about it and then you like that old t-shirt or if you if you ever went to the boardwalk at wherever fucking city you lived and you bought the dumb t-shirt there was the one i used to be disgusted

now i'm just amused that was like a cliched bumper sticker of the late 70s, early 80s. And I'm the opposite. I used to be amused. And now I'm disgusted that nobody knows. This is just the same bullshit over and over and over again. Fucking Chaley. Did you see what he just did? Chaley put a clock on me like I'm at a funny bone and there's tabs coming out at the end.

I'm supposed to give you the light at a certain. Evidently. At 20, you know, to do a break. And I know it takes less time for me to edit. I understand that. But it's the first time you put a clock on me. Like clock going up he just bought when we work a funny bone or a helium or a fucking uh a jazz fest or a improv they come back what time does he want the light and you go he doesn't need a light he goes

and now you just gave me the fucking the clock no that's not it at all all right well here comes bingo i heard the car door shut bingo's coming in fucking hot. Yeah, we got ads to do today. So, you know, we'll just take a break at 20 and 45. StageMan Underpants. You know what I said? I called Tracy. The Chaley's were in Sierra Vista doing whatever they do there. And I checked the mail.

And there was a big UPS fucking USPS, eBay, whatever package. I go, did you just order a stage man underpants? Because I just checked the mail and there's a giant package there for you. And then I cackled hilariously and she didn't laugh. Stage man underpants. That's a plug. hilariously and she didn't laugh. StageMan underpants. That's a plug. Go to stageman.com. Promo code

Stanhope. See? I already got one of our ads out of the way. 10% off. 10% off? Yeah. Use the promo code Stanhope. Is that coming out of our money? Not out of our ad, no. Anyway, so yeah, we did the Not Cuomo Cumeo podcast podcast and we're promoting andy's shit

yeah he might have pancreatic cancer he might just be uh bored and found a spot who goes to doctors because the drinking boys bros drinking bros is that the podcast you're on the first one was the drinking bros and i go because i fucking killed a bottle of champagne just during the drinking bros and they were drinking water no one of them was drinking water because you just got the other one was drinking water too he was the one i was talking to where i go drinking bros like if you guys were on the uh the the saturday morning uk podcast where i didn't edible and started drinking at 8 a.m that put me on tilt for three days i was fucked i was fucked before the podcast ended so when they go hey will you fill in for andy because he might have pancreatic cancer or he might not.

I go, yeah, I'll do it. It's the drinking bros. I go, what time is that? Hoping it would be an evening hour. Well, no, it was 1 p.m. my time. I'm like, well, I don't want to get drunk again like I did Saturday on that UK thing and fuck up three days. I don't recover quickly.

You were drunk when you woke up, though. I mean, you basically had about three or four emotions. Yeah, it's the weekend. All right. So, I mean, it wasn't just that. I had the bird cloud ladies. Yeah. Bird cloud adjacent ladies.

Yeah. Drinking Bros is Ross Patterson, Jared Taylor, Dan Holloway. They were very cool. were great they did try to initially they were talking about fucking uh medical issues oh yeah the guy did just spend six weeks in a hospital with pneumonia double pneumonia and he has i got holes because i gave him shit like why am i drinking at 1 p.m.? I'm going to ruin my whole fucking day being drunk. And you guys aren't even drinking. Well, I just spent six weeks in a hospital.

I only been out of the hospital for 36 hours. I have holes up and down my chest. I was in a coma for a week. Still, that's not enough reason for me to be drinking on a drinking bros podcast where you're not drinking the drinking bottle water. I get it. You can't do it. Then change the name of your podcast to drinking occasionally until this is all healed up. But they immediately went into fucking because I made a a point about, why can't you go to, because they brought up insurance and all this, and medical insurance, and I go, yeah, when I have a handyman on the handyman's van, not a licensed contractor, why can't I do that with a doctor a doctor who's lost his license for some bullshit

reason not really licensed as a doctor anymore but he'll charge less and come to the house why can't i just take that risk it's fucking bullshit and then we i realized we're not here about me we're here about promoting andy Andy Andrus special and upcoming documentary. But then I remember my fucking I'm wearing reading glasses, which is all I can see when I'm looking at myself on a Zoom podcast is the reflection of the lights. And should I take off my reading glasses and squint? But then it made me think the bullshit thing, which I've tried to do bits about, but it's too Jerry Seinfeld.

Why for my actual glasses, do I have to spend $175 to $250 for a test, but reading glasses, I can buy for $1.99 at Ace Hardware. Why couldn't I just put on actual glasses and go better like this or like this? Is that not the same with reading glasses that you buy at Ace Hardware? Then your prescription glasses, it's the same thing. Then I started to go into that tirade and paul prevenza cut me off by

talking about what we're there for andy andrest it's like a fundraiser or something but they kept going you know yeah remember why we're here but they cut from the fucking why can't i get treated by a doctor who doesn't have a license if i i if i know he has no license like a not a licensed contractor they cut into yeah and then they burned down the fucking christmas tree at fox news so that's uh the war on christmas has started so i didn't even have to worry about andy andrews i'm like you're just gonna cut into fucking you fucking stop buying into wings just like anthony cumia i think you're being pragmatic but the drinking brothers just went right into hillary clinton and fucking this i'm like we're just talking about stuff stop buying

into right wing left wing yeah stop buying there Stop buying into wings. There's no fucking wings. Let's not get chicken wings into this. You don't need teams. And they had fucking team fucking. They had the same OJ Simpson jersey framed, which I go, oh, fuck it. I have the same OJ Simpson because me and Valentina swapped Hernandez jersey for OJ Simpson. Murderers in the NFL. And I go, I have the same thing, but you probably have it for all the wrong reasons. At the beginning, they kept trying to make it partisan.

And yeah, there's no parts. Stop. Stop feeding into left wing right wing republican democrat conservative have the fucking opinion that you have and then shut the fuck up about hillary clinton what's fucking hillary clinton is like a paris hilton parasite of your mind. There's no such thing as, yeah, you believe in what you believe in pragmatically. Just go with the subject. This is what Andy got booked on? The Drinking Brothers show?

Yeah, because he said. Who booked that? Paul Provenza. That's what he does. Where's the connect? That was a very funny part of the Paul Provenza part. And I never got it in because he was talking uh where they go one q me he goes when i first heard that paul provenza and doug stanhope were uh collaborating on a project i'm going what

could this be about and i i didn't get in the dig at provenza like when is paul provenza ever done a project that's just about paul provenza the aristocrats the fucking like he has all these things that are having other comics and he just produces it hey would you do a thing i have no part in it except directing it. What was the book he did? Oh, I guess that was about the aristocrats or whatever. Yeah, Paul Provenza is a king of... I'm going to take your story and run with it.

Oh, yeah. I mean, Andy's not going to take his story and run with it. I know. I'm not saying it, but I wanted to get the dig in it. Provenza, he said like three projects he's got a book and a thing and about yeah here's what other comics want to say about this not me well comics routinely uh don't have that uh drive to always push through the to get the project done yeah Yeah. You said that plenty of times. I always remember Henry Phillips had the greatest idea, but it's so hard to do, was to have a coffee table book of open micers

that have one solid blow it out of the room joke and they don't know it. And the rest of their act is shit and they do open mic and they have that one bit that every professional comic has gone, God damn it.

Why didn't I write that? Or they steal it. Yeah. Either way, just a coffee table book of that guy's one shining moment. I wish I could remember. That'd be a good title.

My one shining moment. One shining moment. that'd be a good title my one shining moment one shining moment yeah and it's just the one liner that they got i i i can't why do you get paul provenza to do it he's too he's too tenured to go to open mics but yeah i remember so many open mic jokes that like oh yeah it's this one guy used to say and he had nothing else this fucking beautiful idea and it takes a paul prevenza to put it in motion i'm not shitting on paul i just wanted to shit on him in that moment like you were at first i'm like yeah yeah why why make fun of a guy who's helping other people realize an opportunity to get themselves out there? Andy's not going to do any of this on his own. And some of these things wouldn't get done unless a producer got behind it and made everything, like connected the dots.

Provenza is a mover and shaker where Andy is shivering and occasionally moving. But yeah, it was fun, but I still feel like it's Saturday morning where I got up. It was my idea to do that, and I got up still drunk. The happy hour? Yeah. You did not get up. I had to wake you up twice before you got into here.

Which, first of all, is a rarity for me. He shook me awake and I didn't wake up. Like dead person. Like junkie thing. Like 20 minutes before we were going to start. And I'm like, there's no way he's not up. If you shake me. He would not even move.

Like I wake up when Bingo farts. So for me to not wake up being shook. Yeah. So I was 15 minutes late to the podcast the second time he woke me up. And I took an edible immediately. Edible immediately. And I don't remember much of that Saturday at 8 a.m. until I started washing dishes on Monday. Oh, wow.

So Saturday afternoon to Monday afternoon? Every glass and coffee cup had been used after football Sunday. And Monday, I'm like, i can't deal with this and then i i did i stopped counting after 40 glasses what the fuck that's like our inventory of glassware and it was the only time i've never made anything to eat like i didn't eat only because michael bean showed up was the only reason i got out of bed. Raider told me, yeah, Bean's here because I'm watching on security camera. And I walked up here.

Yeah. At the afternoon game. Yeah, by the time you showed up. But I'm like, I'm not getting out of bed for this. I'm fucked from Saturday happy hour. The next day, Bean's here. Fuck. Now I have to get up. uh yeah i get up and we had a actually

a really fun day with bean uh but then by fucking monday then like every fucking glass like i want to take my vitamins i gotta cup your hand yeah Starting out a whole stack of drinks. Yeah, you can't drink out of the tap here. This is a mining town. They put cyanide in those fucking mines to get the copper out. I'm not OCD, but yeah, you live in a mining town. Don't drink the tap water. It's pretty much a given. Bingo?

Good God, this bingo. What a fucking weekend. We're still doing pillow things oh my god i have so many projects i'm supposed to be off of work i'm supposed to be on vacation and i can't do it i don't even know where to go i've been looking up flights on delta like where could we go because i don't i have this show on New Year's in Vegas. Come to Christmas with my family. Not your family. Good Christ, no. You would love it.

Every year, we got to do another eBay pod yard sale. I already talked to Kelly about that. Yard sale. I already talked to Kelly about that. Well, Jennifer Bean said, oh, I can pull up Michael Bean stuff from The Abyss and all the fucking his movies if we want to do a duo yard sale, eBay yard sale.

Oh, I'm into it. I'm like, I don't know that anyone else is because it really is a pain in the ass to do. It is awful to do. It's at least a day of photo shoots for you. So it's basically you just putting on clothes. I know. Changing clothes.

Other people are doing a lot of work. I think we're going to get Paul Provenza in on this one too. Really just knock it out of the park this year. This is 2022. It's not happening this year. Changing clothes fucking 15 times in a day? I don't shower for weeks at a time. It's a lot of work.

It is. You're right. You know, that movie is... I just got a call from Brian Hennigan and yelled at him. But yeah, it's in play. What movie? Some movie I'm starring in that Dane Cook... That Dane Cook said he would not be part of.

Ask Paul Provenza. It's got to be someone younger than me. So, yeah, I'll be filming a movie for all of February in Chicago. February in Chicago. We used to go to the Halloween convention in February in Chicago. We used to go to the Halloween convention in February in Chicago. And they moved it. Not much better, but they moved it away from February into March. That is a fucking miserable time to be out there.

And we were just outside from getting in the car, from the car to the venue. I think if Dan Cook actually read the script, he'd probably do it, but it's probably not within his budget of the opposite of that. You know what I'm saying? For that money, no. It would be a day of shooting.

But, all right, we have eight seconds left before I'm looking at the timer. So who would, if there was a 21-year-old comic that was playing my son, who would it be? Tweet at me or at DougStanhope.com or Doug at DougStanhope.com. Yeah. Guy who looks younger than you. A 21-year-old. My son shows up.

I'm a 54-year-old alcoholic, dying of liver failure, still doing $500 fucking one-nighters in the Midwest. Junior stop. He's 38 years old, and I think he can't be that young. Yeah, we need a 21- old it's weird they're taking my uh they're they're they're i'm starring in this it's gonna suck it's gonna be the fucking this movie is gonna be the reality it's gonna be a documentary of a 54-year-old comic that's still doing shit gigs, dying of liver failure. Where did they get that idea from? And I'm going to die of liver failure at the end.

Maybe Sam Talent. No, I'm saying this is your life. Maybe Louis C.K. This is, they just listen to the podcast. Maybe Crazy Heart. Yeah, there's a... Crazy Heart. crazy heart yeah there's a crazy all right i have to i have to stop because the clock that chaley pointed at me to be a fucking dominatrix hey i'm gonna do some announcements i'm gonna put

on my uh announcement uh voice hey hey this is brought to you, I'm practicing. Please hold. You know, Chaley, people ask me all the time in person and after shows, Jesus, Stanhope, how are you still alive? And I tell them, liquidiv.com. If there's one thing I can promote more than drinking, it's hydrating, especially while you're drinking. Flu season is in full swing. Proper hydration and vitamins can help support a strong immune system. That's not a hoax.

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It was delicious. It was water, asshole. So you never drink water. I don't like drinking water. Liquid IV makes the most important thing you should do in your day, drinking water. Taste like a goddamn birthday party. Liquid IV is on a mission to change the world. The company is donating 4 million servings in response to COVID-19.

Products are being donated to hospitals, first responders, food banks, veterans, and active military grab your favorite liquid iv flavors nationwide at walmart or get 25 off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code stanhope at checkout that's 25 off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code stanhope at liquidiv.com yep the clock is on again how are those spots i thought i i hit those spots but now i'm going back into my natural slurring state we have a a prostitute escort we'll call her an escort. Turn around. I'm pointing through you. Turn around. Do I turn around too? No. Anyway, we decided not to have the escort. I got a good email. From an escort? Yeah, from an escort saying, hey, I heard on one of your podcasts you were

looking for an escort to come on and couldn't find one. And the only thing that I could think of that we know is years ago when Chad Shank was on the road with us in Montana, we've talked about the story where we went to like whatever fucking Bozeman Montana's weekly thing that had escorts like old school escorts in the back of the weekly paper that you call it. Didn't our contact in sound know a number to call?

No, we were going through the fucking weekly. I can't remember if it because we called a bunch and none of them would come on the show i'm like you don't have to do anything we just want a guest to talk you can be anonymous you can uh no i'll suck your cock but i'm not gonna talk openly this podcast do i put it inside me or does it shoot something oh margo margo 80 year old local attraction margo one of the eight wonders of the world margo that she's still alive and six foot two and a man that's a woman pronouns fuck pronouns Get me tequila. So she must have heard one of those stories.

Like, I'm very cogent. I've been an escort for 10 years. I'm 29 years old. I'm happy to go on the podcast. I haven't gotten back to her because I keep forgetting that she's getting back to me. And we were going to do that today. But I'm like, not after those two podcasts in a row. This is three podcasts in a row.

This is my problem, Chaley. This is a Johnny Depp question. Hey, listen, Johnny Depp once told me he's never acted sober. I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to do a full month of February. You understand, filming a movie where I'm in every scene, because I'm the lead, I don't do anything sober professionally. Because it's like 16 hours a day of sitting after day day after day and and most of

it's sitting in a trailer while they're fucking reconnoitering all the fucking camera angles and then you go out and you do fucking three lines and then they go lines, and then they go, okay, break. And then they have to film you from behind saying the same thing. And then you're just faking. That does not work the same way comedy works. Comedy, you get perfectly drunk. Once you've perfected stand-up, okay, I'm going to have five drinks beforehand, two drinks on stage, and then if you're not doing merch, you go right back to the hotel and you drink yourself into a slumber. You don't drink.

Okay, call time, 7 a.m. Have your shit together. Well, I'm not really good at 7 a.m. We already saw how that turned out last week. Yeah. For the call time that you called. Yeah. Stan Hope, I'm going with you and all of my extended relatives live in Illinois.

And they're planning to come and we'll spend all the extra time with you. It'll be great. You're fucking Illinois. I used to uh when the usa today was still a thing that's how long bingo and i have been together that's gross i would i would i would point to the the weather map like they used to have the big weather map. And I would point to a state. I'd go, what state is that? Or point out Maryland. And she'd point at Alabama.

She has no idea. Yeah, your relatives in Illinois are far down the map, closer to the Ku Klux Klan than they are to the Windy City. Wait, but Illinois. And it's February. It's just the same state, right? Yeah. Or is she confused at where her family lives?

The point is, that state goes way down south. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And her fucking relatives... Is that one of my relatives? Oh, shit. I gave him your phone number. I answered instead of swiping and saying, I'm doing a podcast.

I'll call you back. Bye. Bye. Who's that? Valentino. Oh. I'll call you back. Bye. Bye. Who's that? Valentino. Oh. I swoped the wrong way.

I swoped left. So, yeah, they're not going to be driving in fucking Illinois in the winter. They don't drive any of the red bicycles. I asked, fucking Michael Biehn was so brilliant on Football Sunday, and I'm'm like we just re-watched the abyss like yeah if I saw that script and it said I had to get inside of a fucking scuba suit I would go no I don't care I'll be a superstar and a millionaire no I'm too fucking paranoid. And that, as a young man, I would go, no. I was telling them, we did those hidden camera gags. There was one we did where they wanted me to get into a body bag for a gag.

And I'm like, they zipped it up to my chin. And I'm like, no, get me out, get me out. I'm too claustrophobic. And The Abyss, the claustrophobia involved. When I got this script, they go, it's 25 days in February in Chicago. I go, fucking no way. Then I read the script and I go, all right, I have to do this. Maybe you should just call Paul Provenza and he can work things out for you.

Why don't you shut your fucking mouth? British Jonathan leaving town. Did he leave the other day? Saturday he leaves. Oh. He told us to watch this. Bingo slept through the whole thing. Did I?

What was it? HBO. HBO. The actual HBO. Not HBO Max. Not HBO Max. Not HBO Plus. Not HBO Diamond Medallion

Status. I fucking I had a brilliant conversation with our friend Fred who's 81 years old and is more spry than most of my audience who are fucking drunk in their

fucking El Caminos tailgating before shows about all the fucking oh yeah it's on Paramount Plus or fucking Zoo TV or whatever you watch your fucking XFL games on whatever that car racing

yeah why don't you put those all on like a cable network where you get ESPN Plus and a fucking Showtime alternative and all these things. Can I just buy like cable? Because cable sucks, but so do most of all these other streaming services.

CISO is the only streaming service. That one special I put out on CISO is the only one that died. Every other streaming fucking... We already talked about this. Did we? Quibi also died. Yeah, it was on the podcast with Chad.

I thought Quibi fucking... Are you sure? All right. Tell us something we don't know. What did Jonathan tell you to watch hbo it's actually on hbo cable direct tv which does suck and everyone should cancel it it's a hbo life of crime 1984 to uh uh 2020 was there a lot of murder or not? Well, you slept through the whole thing. If there was murder, I would have stayed awake.

No, you didn't. You didn't even stay awake. Were there guys beating his wife openly? I love that shit. Yeah, but you fell asleep. Okay. Yeah, that is fucking dark and grim. They follow three junkies from

1984 in Newark new jersey until 2020 the same ones like that's so amazing that documentarians and when you hear them like there's a lot of it you go all right you you set this up uh but to follow the same people for 36 years and spoiler alert, at the last minute, all of them are dead.

So they basically did the documentary from the beginning and they were all dead. Yeah, well they it would have been until 2030 if one of them was still alive. But yeah, I wish there was a documentary about making the documentary. I said that before you even fell asleep. Yeah, I remember what you said, everything you say.

We should just go to bed. I think I need to go do a another 30 days in the hole before this movie because i have no idea how i'm gonna fucking do that i mean this is three podcasts in a row and it's only been three hours how am i gonna do six hours pretending to be a 54-year-old washed-up alcoholic. Everyone says, yeah, well, you're just basically playing yourself. Well, I'm not myself in a 24-hour period. You guys know that. If you fucking walk into the house at 10.30 a.m'm not talking i'm doing a usa today crossword puzzle

and i don't want to fucking hear what chaley has to say about business at 10 30 5 30 at night i'm jovial i'm on my fourth cocktail yeah you're lubed up yeah and as we're wrapping that day's shoot, I'm going, fuck you, Chaley. Fuck bingo. Oh, Raiders still awake? Fuck you. Well, you should time the scenes with my alcoholism. I know I'm playing an alcoholic, but alcoholism has its own timing. If I want yeses, I ask you around 5, 30.

If I want noes, I know exactly when to get a no. I know people, I'm not dropping names, but I know people that ask me things specifically when I'm drunk because they can say, you said yes. I don't trust you, Bingo. But yeah, well, you said I could't trust you, Bingo. But, yeah. Well, you said I could go on the road with you.

When? What? We just talked to someone today about that. We did? I don't know when I... You were on two other podcasts, and we don't know what you guys talked about. I think it was a phone call.

Am I not going to Chicago with you? Because I did ask you when you're drunk you're not going to chicago with me you can show up in chicago once i figure out i don't know if i'm staying in a trailer i am fucking terrified about this movie it's fucking freezing i live in arizona and if you listen to the podcast for years i wear long johns anytime it's below 70 degrees. I'm wearing long johns right now. It's beautiful outside. But if I wasn't wearing long johns, I would find it chilly.

I don't want to go into freezing fucking wind. We did that. Did we already talk about this? I don't know. You need to give me a noun when we did the fucking when we did the the the charlie brooker thing i wasn't there it was thanksgiving and we had to film that shit for charlie brooker's news wipe okay yeah down at the bisbee airport yeah and I've never been more cold.

I can't talk. I'm shivering too much. It's so cold on Thanksgiving Day and that was probably 40 degrees. Fucking Chicago? Below zero? If I have to do something outside? Fuck this movie.

They're going to say I was hard to work with. I don't know. When do you meet the actors playing bingo? Well, I already asked him. I'm going to go there and ask, what's my part? Do I have lines? Should I memorize my lines? Like, I can memorize any.

But I'm certain I'm going to be in this movie. I know it. yeah we we went through this script and uh this guy could play this person like the only reason that uh Louie worked out was because Louie was directing it. And a comic can talk to a comic. If you work with a fucking Hollywood person, they'll go, oh, yeah, that was great. When you know it sucked, that was great. We're going to try it a different way. Why don't you try it like this?

Don't fucking pander to me. Just say that sucked. And that's what Louie did to me. He goes goes what the fuck are you doing your hands on that like you just do it like this oh i respond to that comics respond to ball busting until recently uh so yeah i i'm fucking terrified of doing this. And I'm only doing it for the story. The money sucks. But I was not going to be doing anything during February.

I'm going to miss the Super Bowl. I'm going to be watching the Arizona Cardinals go against the New England Patriots. New England Dolphins. New England Dolphins? New England Dolphins? No, where the Dolphins are from. Miami. Thank you. Illinois.

Illinois Dolphins. Big fan, big fan. Cardinals and Illinois Dolphins. Yeah, I'm going to be watching that in a fucking trailer while I'm trying to memorize my lines that you don't even have to memorize lines. Acting is so fucking difficult and easy at the same time. Actors, actors are such garbage generally.

Really, they're fucking, they're being fed their own personality. Oh, I could be like this guy. Can you be like yourself? No, probably not. But when I did Louie, bingo, I used to mow my own lawn with a push mower. Yeah, you did. When I was doing Louie, that episode, it's fucking 22 pages. And I would practice my lines while I was mowing the lawn

with a push mower. In the desert. Yeah, like it was 1950. And then when you were Skyping with him to do your lines, I was knelt down giving you cocktails and holding your script open and helping you with your lines.

And we did it. You did great. The point is, he would tell me when it sucked i'm gonna go into this thing and that was great um could someone get mr stanhope some coffee it's 10 30 in the morning i still have a full day of shooting yeah you get what you pay for i mean you don't think you'll be able to like uh i don't know slow it down a little bit and you know just not keep going doubles i don't know

that's that's what terrifies me i mean you won't have a bartender you'll be pouring yourself what i did on louis i brought mini bottles just like i do on airplanes like all right hammer one but that was that was 22 pages this is i'm starring in it so i'm in every fucking scene so yeah maybe i did one of those 30 days in the hole during january january why don't you do it during the movie? Yeah, right. Do you think killing myself is also part of this? Ah, yeah.

It's not a documentary. Andy Andrist, where he might have pancreatic cancer or he might not. I'm like, oh, maybe I should go to a doctor and see if I have pancreatic cancer so it gets me out of this. We've got Inchi. I can check it for you, you dog.

Yeah, there's no backstory there. Yeah, prostate cancer, you can't even get it. You can do anything with prostate cancer if you have pancreatic. Oh, God, you have an excuse. Prostate cancer is a couple of x-rays and a fucking wish and a wink. It goes away. Early detection is the key with prostate. Let's all get in my prostate and see.

Do some detecting? Yeah, who's earliest? Let's just ask Raider if there's any prostate in there. Yeah, Raider, let me smell your finger. Yeah, let Do some detecting. Yeah. Who's earliest. If there's any prostate. Yeah. Raider, let me smell your finger. Yeah. Let's all smell your finger. And then.

I mean, he definitely has cancer. I don't know if it's prostate. Oh. He stuck it in his ear too? The man doesn't live the healthiest of lives. It's not gross. It's love. Well, if you want to do another 30 days in the hole what what day you want to do right when we

get back from uh las vegas baby no we're canceling las vegas because well don't say that well what if i have prostate cancer or and then it becomes a pancreate prostate fund me uh show yeah i'm really looking forward to vegas because i finally got burned out on my act that i was so happy about like i have to rewrite this there's there's a there's a lot of shit missing and i'm like oh good i get a month off between the road and new year's Eve and then I have to do this fucking movie. It's a good movie. Stan, I'll tell you. Well, I don't know if it's a good movie, but I know it's the perfect movie

if you read Sam Talent's book or you saw me on the Louis episode or if you saw Crazy Heart. It's a mixture of all of those. And that's when I, after I said, no, I'm not going to fucking Chicago in the winter. That's when we became successful. We became successful when we never had to go to a cold weather market during the fucking winter. We don't, I haven't dealt with black ice in a dozen years back when we were doing

yeah no we go to florida in the winter we go to toronto in the summer yeah i'm not going to fucking chicago then i read this script and i go this is what i've complained about so much. Every movie about stand-up comedy is always New York or L.A. Nothing has ever been representative of... That's why I completely pushed Sam Tallent's book over my own, because that's a representation that is accurate about road comedy,

not fucking Andy Kindler, who I love, complaining about other people at the improv. No, it's fucking road comedy, where all of you motherfuckers failed because you're talking about fucking inside baseball shit. Yeah, it doesn't mean you suck if you're a road comic. I'm pulling this hatred out of 1996.

Point being, it's an accurate representation of Sam Talen's book. So I said yes. Plus, I need a new story because I don't do shit out of my wheelhouse.

Ready to wrap it up. Well, you know what you need to do because Shelly's clock is ticking. It's time for another ad. Hey, what are you drinking? That's a Miller Lite. That seems like it has alcohol in it. How about have a... What are you doing?

I'm doing a plug for our fucking water. Not that kind of ad. The kind of ad that we're about to record now. I'll fucking hit you right now. Yeah, because the one that you decided to start on in a second. No, we were doing the ad. I gave him a perfect. No, no.

We're doing all that to pause and put in another ad. He already paused to do that when i did the thing jeez this episode is brought to you by the world record podcast go to worldrecordpodcast.com watch the videos join the patreon it's the funniest podcast in the world check it out Watch the videos. Join the Patreon. It's the funniest podcast in the world.

Check it out. They're trying to get a headstone. Yeah, this is a headstone company. Are there rules with headstones, sir? The rules are determined by the cemetery the person is buried at. He wants to write something on the headstone. Basically, he wants to write, eat shit, Linda, on the tombstone. It says, hydroplaning to heaven. Eat shit, Linda.

There there I I've never. Yeah. So go to worldrecordpodcast.com Watch all the videos. Join the Patreon. Listen to all the episodes. Just do it. Hello, it's me, Hellman.

Who's this? Hellman. Hellman. Who's Hellman. Hello, it's me, Hellman. Who's this? Hellman. Hellman. Who's Hellman? I'm me. I'm Hellman. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, I'm sorry you had to listen to this podcast but there's worse

out there i don't listen to the worst ones they say hey bingo bingo just made a fart no i i didn't i made a trap that's what i learned from your grandma i trapped okay fuck off i would never fart on air. I draft. Miller Lite. I appreciate you guys sitting in with us and watching our lives fall apart. We're old people. We're ugly people. We're fat people. And the fact that you listen to this podcast is probably a reflection of you in the mirror.

So we are you. You are us. I'm going to leave here now and I'm going to not kill myself. So don't kill yourselves because we can be this embarrassing or more in the future. So stay with us and buy merchandise. Hey Tracy, what's for merch?

Hey, thank you to everybody. Jerseys. We have more on order. More coming up. Just a reminder, they do run quite large. It'll be a size larger than you normally wear, probably. Order a size smaller than you usually wear. There you go. Yes.

We have lots of stocking stuffers up right now. Yay! And for everybody that orders between now and Christmas, you get a special little prize in your package. Hey, everyone who sent me letters, yeah, those get recycled into the merch. That's not the special surprise I was talking about. No, no, but we do that. Every time. Or Bisbee

Observers with the police beat. Yeah, when you send me a letter from prison or New Zealand, I don't read it. Dave Rader has a fetish for reading out loud the letters you send me. So Dave Rader, I wouldn't call it. Dave Rader has a fetish for reading out loud the letters you send me.

This is true. Yeah, you get all of it. So Dave Rader, I wouldn't call it a fetish. Yeah, I would. You wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'm the fucking host. I go, here, read this out loud.

And then he bullet points it. He pops a boner when he's reading fan mail. But the point is, your fan mail goes to other fans that buy merch. And that, I think, is hilarious. What are we selling the healing cake for, Trace? Is anyone putting me to bed? Is anyone in charge of putting me to bed? It's bright daylight.

That's my fetish. I'll take you inside. 4.20, dude. Go raw. Grab an edible. Go to sleep. All right, I'm going to go do an edible go to sleep alright I'm gonna go do an edible

I'm actually gonna do it um Russia is going to attack something that sounds like Uranus Ukraine thank you

okay that's what's going on in the world today okay bye bye now wait no Bingo Bingo's been watching the news

and I tell him not to do that I needed to get off murder so I started watching the news, and I tell him not to do that. I needed to get off murder, so I started watching the news. We should have the fucking news with Bingo all the time. Yeah, we should have the news with Bingo. We really should. It was something that started with a U, I promise you that. But I just thought it was close to... Well, it's definitely Russia.

It's definitely Uranus. Someone's going in with guns and spe Russia. It's definitely Uranus. Someone's going in with guns and spears. Ukraine, not Uranus. They're going in with spears and guns and... Spears? Yeah, spears. The sharp things, you know, Raider? I'll show you what that is. How does not anybody

love bingo? Truly to-tarded. B-b-b-tarded. No, I'm on the spectrum, you motherfucker. truly to tarted but but but tarted no I'm on the spectrum you motherfucker I'm at least

a three right of what spectrum someone take me to bed guys bingo take us out of here

one two three four seven okay bye bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.