The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP #518 - "I Assume It's Some Kind of Cancer"

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Doug is in Austin, TX and he keeps evacuating out of both ends. It's hard to know for sure but it's probably cancer. Right? Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded April 1st, 2023 at the Airport Hilton in Austin, TX with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Stanhope Store FIRE SALE - Stanhope merch - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Try LUCY.co - Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co and use promo code STANHOPE Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast we're in this den of thieves the hilton austin airport seems like it's an airport hotel it almost seems connected when you pull up in a cab you go that's one airport hotel i've never stayed at looks impressive it is it's in the round. It looks like the Pentagon if they shaved off those ugly corners like they tried to do on 9-11. Wait, is that the old? Yeah, so it used to be some kind of Air Force shit going on here. Back in that heyday, they probably had a great old 74 Cutlass that would pull up big wide. It's in the picture.

Oh, that was a cop car. Like a Smokey and the Bandit era. Actual suit from then coming out with a couple of broads from Pan Am. Potentially your suit has been here before. Yeah. Yeah. Now it's shit. It's like every other fucking hilton i can't believe i built up fucking credits diamond of shit hilton used to mean something next we're going to the ihg this is one thing i would love to talk to comedians about yeah we're here in austin texas we went out to check out joe rogan's uh mothership

and uh yeah all the times i think oh you know i don't have comics to talk to about this travel is one of the big things like i like who of you like all these guys are too big now like rogan's and stuff they're not worried about fucking miles and status it's a lot no one does that someone does it for them yeah i can't imagine i can't imagine even fucking shane gillis is now going oh how many um bonvoy points do i have with marriott and can i get a free stay which was one of the joys in this to me like i used to have like not i was never like the points guy where i knew all the scams for the airlines there's guys that live on airplanes but that's all they do yeah it's like there's the same guy that can get you out of any pickle because he

knows tax code through it but all he knows is tax yeah he doesn't know his kids names yes have been home in months kids names yes i've been home in months yes kind of what's your name pass the salt who's that girl sitting next to you this prescription glasses come with a jeweler's loop just always yeah dark shed reading tax code anyway so yeah i would love i want to know if anyone actually fucks with and who you like like who's a better deal i'm a delta man for a reason that's the best advice is get no matter who you pick pick one and make make that be the one like my brother was uh he he was in the he's in the pacific northwest he's now he's in the Pacific Northwest. Now he's in Boise, kind of still that area. Alaska Airlines kind of runs that.

And then he goes to LA a lot, so Southwest. Southwest isn't really a loyalty. That's kind of a Texas thing. Yes, but he has had to pick Alaska and Southwest because it works better for him. Now, when we go to our conventions in Minneapolis and Chicago and St. Louis, those are our destinations. He's fucked. He's not, it's not as good as having Delta for that or United. Yeah.

You've got to find who has partners. Yeah. Because Alaska and Delta used to be partners, but that went back to Northwest. Yeah. Yeah. They share. Remember they, they shared side-by-side at the Tucson airport. And once they became not partners,

they wouldn't even smile at each other, even though they were side-by-side check-in desks. That was before me. Northwest. I got to remember, I had that bucket Southwest credit when everyone said, yeah, we'll never find Southwest again over the holidays. Oh, a snowpocalypse or whatever.

We got fucked over and I just, I bought her another ticket. I didn't even worry about the, getting a refund because I don't want to, but I got to remember to use that. And we're going to Freedom Fest. How do you feel about freedom, motherfuckers? I guess I shouldn't be yelling in this dainty

Hilton. You do have the dork. Yeah, I do have a bard. Yeah, so we're going in Memphis, Tennessee. Memphis. Freedom Fest. It's a festival about freedom. I don't know. Ever since I was a libertarian, I get a lot of offers and you should go here.

And Freedom Fest is, yeah, it's nonpartisan. I don't, but it's libertarian oriented. Who knows who's going to be there? All I know is when I get the thing from Reason Magazine, which is the only news source that I can fucking stomach as even partially nonpartisan, just, yeah, fuck both sides and here's why. Every article. Anyway, i got the invite from uh just to those subscribers to reason magazine freedom fest with your speakers this guy

likes freedom and another guy who's about liberty and a guy who's both liberty and freedom uh i'm never going to this i know i'm going to be off. It's in July. I just look up what hotel is close to this event center. Then I saw this fucking hotel. Then I'm going, wait, I'm looking at more and more pictures. This is a hotel. It's a pyramid

in downtown Memphis. I talked to Reverend Derek about it. He goes, yeah, that's the third largest pyramid in the world. The world? The world. That's what he said. The pyramids.

It's bigger than two out of three Egyptian ones. Luxor. Then the Memphis Bass Pro Shop. It might be the biggest pyramid that's sponsored by a place you can buy waiters. That has a bass hanging on the side.

Yeah. It is this giant theme park looking casino. It's not a casino, but it looks like a casino pyramid. And it's sponsored by Bass Pro Shop and Outdoor World. And the entire indoors is fucking elk heads and shit and natural wood and fucking logs. It looks like parts of it look like a forest inside the pyramid. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. And I go, I want to go just to go to this.

I'm not buying tickets to watch some guy tell me that the government's fucked. I get it. But for that, so then I hooked it up. So I'm going to speak at Freedom Fest. I'm going to do a set at their late night comedy show. And that's going to pay for our governor's suite at the goddamn Bass Pro Shop Giant Pyramid. And it's going to be me and Bingo and the chalice and uh chad shank and jenny are coming along yeah so yeah yeah i turned uh i did turn some some frequent flyer miles into

fantastic opportunities for vacations to downtown murder capital memphis tennessee that was one of the things i liked about joe's place i'm like do you make people put their phones in the bag because that's a good thing but it should always be the club not the specific performer so you look like a douchebag no there should be a club rule he does that he goes yeah and we also like uh scan them to make sure they don't have an extra phone on them yeah and then wanded so there's no guns in here that's great no guns in here but what about the people they still have to get to and from their car as a poke at the neighborhood yeah shoddy going downhill we're talking about that that uh austin

is like i'm at an age where this is the first place I've watched over my lifetime turn from like Sixth Street was this tourist destination. You know, back when you played like Antones. Yeah, back when I played at fucking Cap City. Oh, Cap City. That's right. Yeah. It was even it was the laugh stops South before that was, it was, I think it was a laugh stop before it was cap city that I, I worked at new years in like 1994.

Wow. That was before I met you. Yeah. But I've never seen like, what was the, like the hippest place to go down, be a place that people hurry to their car. Go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Open it. Get the fog. You watch sketchy places get gentrified. Yeah. You're like, wow, I remember when you had to race to your car. You wouldn't. Or clubs that moved to a better area. Yeah, I don't know how they let that happen.

But I guess, I mean, Bisbee is a microcosm of that where all the fucking bars are is where all the fucking tweakers yeah sit in and camp you know squat in the tiny parks bark at the tourists yeah how would you gentrify bisbee? Where would you build the... I'm using the Funny Bones as a template. Remember when you played the Toledo Funny Bone, but it's not anywhere near Toledo. And the Dayton Funny Bone is dozens of miles outside of what Dayton really is.

Yeah, we did like five of those. Albany and like. Let me guess. There's a shitty neighborhood called Albany next door, and we're not in it. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I don't know. Gentrify Bisbee would be to just...

They keep raising the prices. It's getting harder and harder to buy a home. If you just let Old Bisbee, if it were going to turn into 6th Street, where would you set up your Elysium, I think is the name of the movie? It'd be Warren, where we live.

Yeah. Three miles away from Old Bisbee. You could go all the way out to... Or you could go to San Jose. Or Minos, where the Bright Spot is. Oh, yeah. Incorporate that into a... That's a different area. That's the Dayton trick. San Jose already

has a Burger King, so that's already the shittiest part of Bisbee. It has a Burger King. You suck. Your life sucks. You live near a Burger King. There's no Burger King in the pyramid. Yeah, I don't know what's in the pyramid, but I'm looking forward to it.

It's full dining. They have a 24-hour room service. I mean, it's a proper hotel. Yeah. I'm trying to invite people to Freedom Fest. Just Google it. It's in Memphis, July. I think we're there Wednesday through through saturday yeah and it goes

through the weekend but i thought by saturday we do the show friday night we've had enough that will be yeah that is is this patreon i gotta figure this out because for for a minute here we're gonna do you better get on the mailing list because this would be a show that you're only gonna find out through the podcast or through the mailing list because uh yeah are you talking the the freedom fest show yeah yeah yeah and that's that's how i'm promoting it only those ways uh and we're gonna start a series of uh doing secret shows that you only know about from here or the mailing list. Do I need to be on the mailing list? Because I don't even know about this. Well, I don't have those shows.

It's the only one I have. Okay. Well, we're going to talk about the mailing list. We're talking about a lot of things. Fucking MailChimp. Oh, my God. Once I complained about it, the next time I checked, it was $200 more. More?

Mm-hmm. Quit talking about it. Oh, shit. Just send me. I want your it was $200 more. More? Quit talking about it. Oh, shit. Just send me. I want your P.O. boxes. I want everyone to get a P.O. box and a key. Always get a second key.

It's important. And I'm going to send you a postcard every time I'm doing a secret show. That seems like that would cost even more oh well at least the same amount not if you do that scam that fucking life hack where you you put uh their addresses the return address and my address and you forget to put a stamp so they have to send it all the way to the guy that didn't really send it. Man, I scammed the system.

But if you did that for like at the level that we have a mailing list and scammed it, you would be one of those news of the weird stories where an 80-year-old man finally gets caught scamming the U.S. Postal Service for what amounts to $822,000 over the last 30 years. There was this one, a news of the weird, some 80-year-old guy in Italy that they finally busted after a decade or plus of just skipping the tolls by just tailgating the person that's going through the toll, just taking their ride when the arm goes up for years. And they've totaled it up to however many tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. But there's only one guy doing that? Well, this guy, they had to track him down through all the video footage of this guy doing this and finally catch him and, I don't believe

in tolls. It'll be one of those cute stories in court. He says this. The judge gave him a funny punishment. That's what he'll get. He'll get one of those funny punishments. Like he wears a sandwich board or something? Yeah. Or he has to clean all the arms and all the toll stops. So whatever perceived victim of him Like he wears a sandwich board or something? Yeah. Or he has to clean all the arms and all the toll stops?

Yeah. So whatever perceived victim of him screwing over, oh, well, then kids don't, you know, all the toll money goes to underprivileged kids going to pre-kindergarten, and you're going to have to go teach them a class on what it means to not try to steal from the system. And then

I'll say something salty in that class. Is that one of your daily websites? News of the Weird? No, just Newser. But it's those clickbait kind of stories. Yeah, you don't... The references I find

that if I just had someone hired to follow me around and go dated reference. Nobody gets that. Fucking Ron White had one yesterday on stage. Ron White. Fucking brilliant. Yes, he's been kind of gone for a while. Gone.

You want to take a break? No, no, no. I was just going to turn off my ringer. When you do a podcast, you know, I might stand up. Successful podcasting in the 90s, I go over things like always turn your ringer off. That's not

my ringer. That's my phone. April Fool's Day. I should have it. You tried down there at the bar. What did I try at the bar? You just tried fucking with the staff. They're too young. They're too young.

They don't know what's going on. But anyone just sitting there. Like, I wasn't even getting laughs from the guy next to me. I was reading that guy to see if I had an audience. Just as mild jokes in a happy hour bar on a saturday night it's an airport bar on a saturday night is the lonely with social distance seating still it doesn't say it i think they're just they don't have enough stools because i asked them the first time i usually come in with a bit of a fucking attitude. I wish we could just do this with hidden fucking camera glasses and just go.

Because I did. I'm like, why are these? The bar stools are four feet apart in a hotel bar. And this is a circular hotel. So these rooms look into the courtyard where the circular bar is. And only half of it's a bar. A quarter of it is supposed to be a starbucks but it hasn't been a starbucks for so long they're just like the fucking they have pay-per-view movies twenty dollars for movies that are free on fucking hulu right now but i'm a sucker

i'll buy them i don't know how to fucking do anything else in this stupid room 24-hour fucking room service this is a fucking actual the girl working down you or that girl when i called i go so 24-hour room service uh yeah is there a room service menu because i'm online i can't find one on google well there's a qr code next to your thing And again, my phone doesn't do QR codes. It just doesn't. And she goes, well, unless you want to come down to the front desk or restaurant and get a menu. And I go, so the room service menu is the same as the dinner menu, which is the same as the lunch menu. She goes, yeah, but they don't open till four.

I go, wait, if it's 24 hour room service, they should always be open. She goes, yeah, but not for food. And I said, I'm on your web, the Hilton.com, this location. I'm under dining options. And it says the restaurant, breakfast, this location, I'm under dining options. And it says the restaurant, breakfast, et cetera, and 24 hour room service. She goes, yeah, but that's for like towels and things. It's not for food.

No, no. And then you start going, you can't fucking yell at people who actually take service industry jobs anymore. You're lucky to have them. But no, it's not fucking towels. The towels is down under. She is right. But the connotation to room service would be meals. Yeah.

She wasn't trying to lie. No. She was just trying to justify why that might say that yeah because she's only been here for a week and a half and she's not going to be here monday no no she's going to steal some bibles and sell them after her show it's the only reason we i did get a fucking stolen bible from her my god they're so rare i wanted to sell it at Joe Rogan's club. But you didn't even do the set. It's kind of hand in hand with that selling stolen Bibles after a show. You have to do the show part.

I don't like this. Because then you're just a Bible salesman. You know, there's something to be said. So I was going to say Paul Newman. No, Ryan O'Neill and Tatum O'Neill. Paper Moon. Have you seen it? That's a reference.

No one got your reference. That's a classic reference. Now I feel like I'm smarter than everyone else because you've never seen a black and white movie that wasn't black and white on purpose to be kooky. Yeah, some of the fucking data references. That wasn't black and white on purpose to be kooky. Yeah. Was that some of the fucking data references? Oh, that's what, when the phone rang, Ron white had something. He just had, it was just an aside on stage or is like, yeah. It's almost like he said, and I i called her up but he did a rotary dial

yeah but it wasn't like that but it was like yeah i'll check the paper to see like there's he was just completely unaware and again it wasn't a pivotal part of the bit yeah it was just a very brief aside where you go that doesn't happen anymore at all but uh i love that man. He's so fucking gorgeous. I was telling everyone that would listen to me how... I've never been jealous of anyone's hair, much less the fact that they had hair. But he's 66 years old. And he has, like, Mitch Hedberg fucking perfect fucking long locks of blanched bleach fucking white old man hair and on anyone else but an old man that fucking luxurious like surfer dreads yeah you know

like not dreadlocks but you know like he needs to be in a movie and uh yeah I'm a little high now and it's a little high last night it It was great. You're high right now? Yeah, I took it. Well, actually, I just took the other half of it. Oh. Took the early half before sushi. Oh, I didn't know that. And then, yeah, just when we get up here, I took the other half.

So I have half before I leave here where I won't be carrying contraband. Can't believe fucking. You know, sometimes I don't look at odds or stat sheets but from outsiders perspective it kind of seems like joe rogan versus uh the other powers that be in texas like he could like go i think we yes and they would go oh joseph rogan said yes one of them would still be like an old guy going are you telling me we're gonna have some internet talker he's gonna tell us yeah yeah yeah vick it's gonna happen can we part or something with the with the rogans it's gonna have can we part or something with

the Rogans right now in the cycle I don't think legalized maybe I think you're right I know that's why I can't believe there's no legalized yeah I think it's

it's it's closer now that he's in town than it was before he landed. Yeah, I didn't even get to check out. Like, there's this whole circuit. And there's, he was just finding out some of this. It's like five comedy clubs.

Yeah, one was across the street that he, that Ron said had been there for 30 some years. The Green Room, and he said that must have been somewhere else because he did say oh that's back when it was at the other location but now it's next to the velveta and then which i i looked down that street i didn't see anything i get so confused just being in his club because you take you want to go through the all right this is a tunnel so you're going underneath the stage right now. So you're going up here, and now you go to this, and yeah, it's a whole

system of I don't know where the fuck I am. Which is the way he wants it. So, yeah. And again, for safety concerns and being lost and high, I didn't go out. It's a fucking weekend. There's

nothing worse than any place like Sixth Street on a weekend. Fucking Bourbon Street, Beale Street, whatever your dumb fucking street is. Yeah, Friday, Saturday. Yeah, you take their money, and then we'll brunch on Sunday morning. And that's when I love to go. I'm a big fan of fucking Casino del Camino there on the 6th Street on a Sunday morning. Oh, that's the burger. No, that's the place I stumbled

in. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just looking for a pack of cigarettes or a breakfast. A couple months ago when you were there. Yeah, several months ago. Last year when I was here. But I walk in and every person in Austin I know was at the table by the door. I'm sunblind going into a fucking completely

black fucking morning bar and they, I can't see anything. Surprise, it's my birthday. What's a, what would be the word for it? Drinking for flavor. Like last night, I went out last night, I went to the Joe Rogan

mothership and I took a half an edible and over, we were like last night i went out last night i went to the joe rogan uh mother ship uh and i took a half an edible and over we were there like three hours and i drank three drinks and i was just having a fucking great time got back here i was that was the downside i got back here but not a downside but uh yeah i was awake for another five hours just watching $20 movies in this motherfucker. Here, sit down or let's take a break. You're not on camera. Rats.

All right. Please hold. Lucy. Everybody who's got this copy has to... Hey, Lucy! Okay, I'm not doing it then. Regular nicotine pouches from the gas stations suck, and they're boring, and they're weak, and they're flavorless, and they suck.

Try Lucy Breakers. Their pouches have tiny nicotine capsules that burst to reveal delicious flavors like mango and berry and even espresso. But not my favorite. Licking your mouth is like licking an ashtray. That just brings me back to my youth. Anyway, Lucy are available in different strengths, so you get to choose the amount of nicotine you want. Visit lucy.co and use promo code Stanhope to get 20% off your first order. Shipping is always free. That's lucy, L-U-C-Y dot C-O, promo code Stanhope to receive 20% off and as always, free shipping.

Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical yeah yeah but i use them as a yeah yeah still well i can get you some for tomorrow oh no we have uh we have an amazing uh amount of alcohol here for no i'm here for four nights you don't know but i'm been i'm going out yeah and uh yeah that vomit shitty thing again i can see how this can get easier to become bulimic because at some point like i'm so fucking i'm just gonna like as long as there's product so this is like your third bout of like just out of the blue weeks yes out of the blue throwing up and like for like two hours three hours overnight uh yeah but yeah it's usually a couple hours of first. It's just, oh, and then always shitting and puking.

Oh, both ends. Yeah. And then like to the point where it's clear liquid, both ends or nothing. That means the prod heads are ready to cook. Yeah. that means the crawdads are ready to cook yeah yeah and then finally drift off to sleep for a few hours and then get up and then

little baby sips of water for an hour like you're fucking parched you've thrown up literally every fucking liquid in your body and then you have baby sips and then if that holds for a couple hours you're probably good i did puke a little bit i started at 4 a.m when i got here the night after the first night i was

here until like 1 p.m and i that's good but i think the three times it's happened have happened after I gored myself on a lot of food the day or day. You gorged yourself? Yeah, gorged, gored. And drank a fair amount. I think it's just probably after all the years of 90% of my calories are only liquid. Yeah, I think if I put that much fucking high food and the liquids all, it's just weird.

It doesn't happen right away. It's not like you're drunk and puking. You just have the quantities over the course of a day. You think you just get to a point where you're yeah mr creosote from monty python's meaning of life if i eat another mint it would explode yeah no it's it's like i was looking it up like what can be left in your system after 12 hours because it was one weekend that i was puking like i i know what i'm puking while i'm puking it. And I was so happy to get to the margarita. Oh, that layer?

Yeah. Like a seven-layer dip. Because the first part was, oh, that's like hummus and chips or something. You're like Mike TV chewing gum on Willy Wonka. Or no, it was Violet Beauregard. It's like, wait, who was it? It was the gum, right? Where he got the seven courses of gum, and he's like,

mmm, soup! And he keeps chewing. He's like, mashed potatoes! I think it was Violet Beauregard. Yeah, yeah, because Mike TV got shrunk. Yeah, I don't know. So you got layers of vomit coming up. You were hoping for something sweet because you'd

just gone through a sour part yeah that's i don't know what i was snacking on when you guys left me but yeah the beginning of the last vomit was just ah didn't i eat anything good and then i'm just the point is that after 12 14 hours there should not be anything left for you to If it's food poisoning, it usually happens right away. I'm just saying, trying to troubleshoot, you still haven't smoked since

Australia? There's a very distinctive taste when I belch. It's almost a fucking chemical taste, and I've had it before when I was sick like that and i'm like oh that's the gross have you swallowed a lot of pennies i don't know what it is but uh i assume it's some kind of cancer and i don't know i have any kind of cancer that just makes you puke on weekends it's out of the blue and it's not like i feel bad like it's not like yeah god i'm sick i'm just like

oh here comes more shit and puke but like andy when he was before he was uh diagnosed he he was drinking and that was making it worse of what was you know eventually turned out to be a cancerous and he was throwing up and stuff like that but i mean the drinking he would try to tamp it down with the drinking and that made it even he's always a diarrhea guy yeah yeah see that's the thing diarrhea and puking are associated with so many things even when i quit smoking and i was looking up all these lung things well fucking shortness of breath, coughing, wheezing is like the symptom of anything that could possibly be wrong from a cold to tuberculosis. Or going to tie your shoes. Yeah.

Carrying a little extra weight. Are you fat and trying on a pair of Skechers? That'll collapse your lungs. Yeah. Sorry, breaking news bingo yeah maybe i should have just took it see i shouldn't even have this gut for as much as i threw up the other day i mean it's not a lot of density there but i shouldn't like all that puking should have given me abs at some point. When it was so repetitive and it was dry heaves, I'm like, is this good? I'm trying to pay attention. Is this helping you?

I did yoga for a couple times that one year. One year? You mean 30 days in the hole? No, when I did the actual yoga. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're writing your book. I think I did yoga like four or five times yeah but i'm not like okay this i can just make up my own if i can feel the muscle as being

yeah being used well i never did but i know okay this is a scam maybe it's not a scam if it motivates you to do it you get a hot coach or something or someone who's gonna browbeat you at work i don't know what makes you do that but it would be nice to not have this gut like i'm already wearing blousey clothes and i'm like it's just not even that much i'm 142 pounds or something you shouldn't have a gut i've never even had a kid. That you know of. Yeah, but I mean, this would lead someone astray.

Yeah. They'd go, do you have a parent? I'd go, no, it's just fucking sloppy fat on a skinny gut. It doesn't deserve it. It's done good things for people. I don't know why I have to suffer like this. Fucking beating down Hilton. It's done good things for people. I don't know why I have to suffer like this.

Fucking beating down Hilton. It's the Hilton's fault? Well, I'm in a lot of them. Yeah. Now. Yeah. Yeah. What's the update on the house?

There is no update on the house. Chaley's talked to some contractors. We have high hopes. We have some intuitions that maybe those other contractors that we had to fucking fire are probably going to try to play some hijinks. But we don't know any contractors. We do, but you just don't live where we live. Yeah. Or you wouldn't be a contractor. Anyway, what we have in fucking folds is shady lawyers. So yeah, if you want to start

playing fuck with me, I'm going to have time off just because of you. I think, yeah, talk to the folks here in Austin. I think I might finish out after we do Canada. I don't know if Canada might be sold out completely for all I know. There's still tickets to some of the shows starting April 28th. We start in Montreal. I think I'm going to take that and I'm just going to

bring that right here afterwards in May and tape something. I just want to fucking dump everything that I like that hasn't been taped and then start from scratch after I have a house and come back to you and find you I've had so many dumb ideas because of these drugs that they have me on the pot like we should what if we did a small town tour but all the towns had to be smaller than bisbee so it's my small town tour it has to be under five thousand dollars small compared to bisbee

yes smaller than bisbee because we can still go to a lot of places near where we go anyway yeah but you're gonna have to go out to the fucking small town like no i'm not playing tucson i'm playing bisbee. That kind of thing. It's going to make you road trip from the comfort of your little suburbia or city that you live in. And you go, yeah, I'm going to have to fucking drive like an hour and 10 minutes to some. The problem would be finding the venues in those places. Yeah.

Which would require a road trip to pre-book those places. But like how far outside? Well, I mean, you do it based on population, right? 100% population. Yeah. Yeah. Under 4,500. I wouldn't base it on anything

except that sounds funny. Yeah. You have to have a rule. Yeah, but... No, just a place I would want to go. All right. right yeah so you would look at a map it's not new orleans it'd have to be somewhere outside some small little town yeah like moulin rouge i think is the capital moulin rouge but yeah we always can look at a map and pretty much tell if that's going to be a cool place to spend a night

off between towns we do fairly well or conversely if we know it's going to suck let's get it right off the freeway yeah we don't want inner city suck right off the i-40 is good suck on the other side of the big part of the town yeah i want i want truckers not dealers yeah i don't i don't mind a fucking a road crew orange reflective fucking 8th of july barbecue party with some leftover fireworks going off here and again but spare me the crack cocaine or the uh asking for money for gas in the parking lot of the hotel oh my car just broke down with a gas tank this is a completely empty parking lot you're going with the my car ran out of gas we're on the back side of this hotel look at the props you have to work

with before you sit to a pitch someone stole stole my car. Everyone would believe that before it ran out of gas. Oh, yeah. Please hold. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. So, yeah, I think I did some business last night. I talked to the guy.

I go, hey, we'll call you about that. May. I don't see where. So you want to do it right after Canada, like everything's fresh. And you have everything from Australia and UK still to put down. Yeah, and there's that one bit that predates COVID. That's the most important bit I got to get recorded. Well, your cycle was interrupted with COVID.

And then you had to come in when you went back on the road. Some of that stuff was no longer relevant. So then you came up with another. So you have more than a regular chunk of stuff. And that's why're yeah to get it it's been like okay well now i'm going to the uk so i can put that back in because he couldn't do it over here because i've done that on that leg of the tour but now i can put it over here and then i can put it over in australia i can put it in between those two times i have to reconnoiter it to go make it back to the set without those things and now it's there's just no it's not as cohesive special

so i'm just gonna tape all of it and then figure out what the buck to do with it and in the meantime i just start studying fucking law law. Contractor law. Building codes. Yeah. On the upside, the Funhouse is coming along. I mean, basically everything will be built. The top's been redone. We're going to let...

I have no vision for a new bar. I just know the old bar just sucked. It was all built for people to watch football. So it's all about everyone's got their own TVs. So this should be the opposite bar. Anyway, Tracy's the bartender. Once they let her go from her conscription here in the fucking Peace Corps

in Austin at Joe Rogan's bar, and she comes back. You're the bartender. You pick out the bar, because as long as I have a place to sit at the bar, that's a good bar for me. Even if it's just a bar, bar for one, that would be really, but a really classy oak bar, but it's just as wide as a school desk. Yeah, the big rim there. Yeah, yeah the big rim there yeah yeah big rail yeah with the drink rail maybe the red vinyl over it oh padded yeah brass underneath yeah

12 inches long yeah put one foot up there and that's a good that mix with the... What do you call that mix? The good mix when you're at a bar. The Chex mix? Gardetto mix? Gardetto? Was that what it was? Yeah, I think that's one of them.

And it's that sourdough-y one that's really great. That's the fucking kernel it gets you. It'll definitely be something that she would have the say on what's behind the bar but basically just let her figure out the whole thing yeah we don't and we want it movable so we can move it around in there because all we care about mostly is is this going to be uh like good to do shows in so all the worst part about doing shows we fixed by putting the bar at the uh the stage at the other side and uh opposite the door center

new floors new this and that uh and it's fucking getting warm so now i can do shit when i'm home yeah even when it's so depressing nothing's getting done like well when it's you know 42 degrees and blowing fucking rain i'm not out big trying to make that rest of the house decent in anticipation or whatever i could do but yeah we're getting back there. Get on the mailing list. Buy some merch. I'm sure there's someone to thank. Someone sent you...

They just put them in the mailbox. It was two packs of yellow cigarettes. I got the note and not the cigarettes. And it took me a while to backtrack. I was with Bingo. I go, oh, I get what this guy's saying because his note was so fucked up. And he's like,

I hope I would have done this, but this was a last minute idea. So the two packs, oh, he put cigarettes. Because we're looking for the envelope. Yeah. I've been on a fucking mad tear of eBay stuff.

So you know what? It's kind of like you guys when you say, ah, the world's ending and everything's fucking done and it's really the end of times. But you're still having a fucking kid. You still get a fucking six-month-old on your tit. You don't ever believe this believe this over like it is so it's just i forget i forget how that goes into this but i know i i could i could read that

through that that this guy left cigarettes and you were not going to give me cigarettes uh you would have taken them out oh we were oh it's the fucking that's how it's not the end of times is i've been ordering lots of new suit coats and pants and shirts and ties even off of ebay so you you know as much as i go i'm retiring for real well you got big plans don't you based on at least two of those ties two of those ties against all odds i brought them the dry cleaner just to get them uh like the press even cleaner one of the like the the folds on the side was kind of yeah yeah yeah and one of them had some stains that i know have been there since 1965 like on the big wide part at the bottom just a little bit of stain but just but i'm like i i would work

i would do a full midwest tour just on that tie just to show that tie and show the people who's boss all right that background looks like so we should be trying to bang it looks like a parking lot. Doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah, no, that's what you're seeing is the roof of the bar. Yeah, yeah. The dome right there is the bar.

Yeah. Yeah, it does look like a parking lot. Fuck it. You know what? We want fucking more Patreon people. you gotta show them the full view There, there's the bar There it is There should be some conventioneers down there

Some ladies that want to talk about Yeah, there's ROTC Ball going on right now Let's be Jody's, let's go be big fucking Jody's Hey, he's gonna be gone In. Let's go be big fucking Jody's. Hey, he's going to be gone in the fucking... Where are we at war anymore? He's going to be in the Ukraine in about three weeks,

and I'm going to be all alone just like you, lady. I'm trying to think if there was another thank you besides the cigarettes, the anti-cigarettes. I think that was... Everything's been eBay lately, so I kind of lost track. Oh, Curtis came by with his kid from Canada, and he dropped off some really good beer signs, like real thick metal signs. Oh, that guy. He also dropped off a beer pong table.

Yeah, no, the beer pong. That's not a, is that a? Yeah, yeah. It's just a smaller one, but it's not a is that a yeah yeah it's just a smaller one but it's not a pink one open it up yeah and uh and i'm like well whatever it is it looks like a cooler in the middle could be let's get that it's a like a mesh but a waterproof yeah it's a silvery you know like a cooler bag insulated yeah insulated bag that's so maybe that's, they put beers in there. Yeah.

It's just one square hole that has a lid. So it can be a flat table. I'm like, I don't care what the fuck this is for. It's got a cooler in the middle and it's outdoor. We're keeping it. Okay. Good. When he suggested beer pong table, I don't know what that is.

I mean, I know what it is, but I don't know what a table if it's very specific to beer pong. So we even had it open i said let's drop it off right that's exactly what i was gonna do yeah that's where i was gonna take it but i wanted you to see it first before i took it there because when he offered it i go yeah we know we're trying to get rid of stuff we're not we're not keeping stuff oh my god that fucking guy he did what we do. He dehoarded on us. Yes, he did. You didn't see what was in the box. I left the box for you. Like 160 exploding golf balls. Yes.

Which don't explode, by the way. It's just a chunk of chalk in the middle of a fake plastic golf ball. Oh, it looks like it does. You add the sound effects later. Yeah. Unless I'm wrong, because I just chucked one of those on the driveway and i'm like that's just chalk that didn't explode maybe they do explode if you actually hit them hard with a golf could be i don't know um but yeah like like a case like what am i gonna

do with there's not even a fucking golf course and i don't golf what they're going to a thrift store it's not even i'm not even going to... The one thing... He's a liquor distributor up in Canada. I wish I remembered the name. But he did tell me ahead of time. I think he's dropping off a lot of booze. And that's where... He did drop off some stuff.

He did have two bottles of black tea vodka, which, again, I've been using. And there was two cases, or two half racks of a seltzer with vodka. All right. Like all the flavored seltzers with booze out here. No, they were in the cooler.

Four boxes of x-ray vision goggles, which are just sunglasses that have the spirally X-ray. I think it's a bird, like a bird feather in there that makes it look like X-ray. We just tried a pair on. Well, these are just sunglasses that you couldn't really wear when you're driving. You couldn't see bingos on your pants. Holy shit on the outside. It's like, yeah, you can.

Four boxes of those. They're premiums yeah that and merch because that would be that would be too big in the package you can't even give those away free in merch oh those are the real glasses though right they're not like the paper x-ray specs just cheap sunglasses but they have painted on the front the squirrely yeah yeah and then the one thing i did go oh if if i was uh tenacious and i wanted to re-gift these i got one of the brands of booze they promote is uh something weasel weasel ipa or some greasy weasel or something so there's a bunch of pins of just a outstanding weasel pin like hundreds of these fucking yeah not cheap ones either not plastic they're fucking metal we enamel pins poly shore i should ship these to poly shore the weasel oh yeah if Pauly Shore, if you get to Pauly Shore and he wants like a hundred fucking like pewter,

stainless steel, whatever, weasel pins, if you just, I don't know if you can DM on Twitter now that we're no longer verified. I'll just send it to the comedy store. Doug at DougStanup.com, Pauly, if you want a bunch of weasel pins, send me an address. It's a weird one that you get to a place where you go, I don't want to ask for someone's address that's too personal. If I wanted to mail something to

Johnny Depp, I wouldn't know where to mail it. I mean, I know where those houses are, but I think if you sent mail there, it'd be like sending mail to your house. It would get returned if it doesn't go to the one address that we all kind of communally share so yeah i wouldn't hey paulie uh send me an address that would just seem like you don't ask someone of my stature their address

all right maybe yeah okay yeah you do yeah but i'm saying i still think like that it's not about someone's stature this is about the fact that your head about not being rude to someone or i don't know the i don't know the lay of the landscape i think i'm gonna check uh and i we i know we promised to do this every year we promised to do our xfl prognostications and we all fucking because that's all we talk about all day so by the time podcast comes no one's going oh fucking uh you know what take the dog i like the fucking orlando guardians i had i had dc uh minus nine today against orlando you were serious you had money on the game oh yeah i think i won i had vegas which they were they're a fucking one and five team well one and four team uh but they're going against a two and

four team with san antonio but they vegas was still a favorite, minus 2.5, and I took them. And when I left at halftime, it was 19-12. Oh, no, when I left there in third quarter, it went up to 26-12. That's when I was walking out the door to meet you for sushi. So, yeah, so far I didn't see the end of that game, but I think I'm unbeaten. So tune in all the time for all your XFL breakdowns and picks. That black guy from the Pittsburgh Steelers,

I think is the coach of that fucking San Antonio Brahma's thing. See, you get all the facts here first. XFL. X. F. X. F. L. That might catch on. That was pretty good.

All right, let's get out of here. We're going to cut a spot. I really, this looks like a fucking meat apron, like a meat skirt, like fat people who just went from 520 pounds and now that they're 310 and everyone goes you look great but they still have the fucking floppy meat skirt it's just maybe if i just leave it on you buy your own clothes i don't know what the problem it's just something makes my gut stick out more than it should. See, that's fucking... That looks like... I'm going to call Bingo back.

You tell him, Bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.