The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP #519 - "100 Dollar Baby"

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

Doug visits a doctor only because he grew up with him. Plus, baby on board. Stanhope's Noon Day Drinking Shows May 16 & 17, 2023, Tickets available only at Comedy Mothership - https://comedymothership.com/ Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded April 17th, 2023 at the Little House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Lucy.co - Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co and use promo code STANHOPE Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Produced and Edited by Chaille. Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast there we go hey uh right off the top of this podcast I'm going to announce uh that uh May uh 16 17 in this year of our lord 2023 I'll be taping in Austin at Joe Rogan's comedy mothership day drinking shows their noontime shows uh 16 and 17. That's a Tuesday, Wednesday. Kill the Messenger is the name of the new special, and that just went out on the mailing list, at least to the Austin area people and to you, and we'll put it on Patreon, and it'll probably be sold out by the time this even airs. So I hope you're there, And then I'm taking a long time off. Okay. Links in the show notes. And this is the Doug Stano podcast. I just came from the doctor. I have

other stuff to talk about, but I'm going to tease this. Yeah, I just got blood work done. An old friend from childhood, a guy we knew in the neighborhood. Turns out he's a doctor here and just out of the service and lives in the area, but he didn't want to bother me. Yeah, Chris

Oki said you live down here, but I didn't want to bother you. The guy's name is Oki? No, Chris O'Connor. Oh you live down here, but I didn't want to bother you. The guy's name is O'Keefe? No, Chris O'Connor. Oh, yeah, the guy who came out. The guy from the neighborhood. So he's like, yeah, I talked to O'Keefe, but I didn't want to bother you. So I bothered him.

I set up a doctor's appointment. So this is basically a childhood friend when you're in Tatnick Square. And what age were you? Well, I don't... Give and take. When I was a young kid. So, in your early teens. Yeah, he was a couple years older, so he was my brother's age.

So, by the time I was fucking around in Tatnick Square and starting to drink behind Tatnick Square... Putting the squirrel in the freezer. Yeah, all that stuff. That guy was probably gone on with his life uh so yeah but but it was fun and gave me a reason to to go to a doctor it's been on my list of podcasts that you went to the doctor but you were gonna go anyway and then you found out it was a friend no oh you found out it was a friend he's coming on the podcast so i don't want to give too much away he's got another thing he sent me in the mail i'm like oh shit i remember this and i'm like like rather than just catch up while we're uh while you're you're stabbing me with needles let's save it all for the podcast i don't even want the

results i'm 56 years old you know the life i've led i have never gone for just a regular physical even when i had surgeries okay uh i don't even think i've had blood taken since i had mono when i was in middle school uh that i can remember uh so i go yeah to give blood like to for a test you go in there and you go hey doc i'm a little worried you know maybe this pre-diabetes thing that's the reason you would get a blood test you don't go to the doctor anyway yeah he said this is basically your 60 000 mile checkup yeah like he only has it he still has a tint of the accent but just hearing that makes me want to talk like that and i can't do the accent anymore.

He's slipping. So this is like a 60,000-mile checkup, and I go, you know my lifestyle. So I'd be most worried about lungs, liver. When he made me do the breathing thing with the... Yeah, yeah. I go, if you did that six weeks ago, it would have sounded like a fucking gurgling coffee pot. Or crunching glass. It was wet. It was slimy uh so yeah it would be uh lungs liver kidney and then you know in case there's

something weird with the blood yeah uh something else not saying aids uh yeah oh and then I'm gonna do the uh that mail away your poop the girl say you know and if you had a your you know prostate checker guard and you're yeah yeah yeah you poop in a bucket and mail it off I go yeah I don't want anything in my ass unless there's a coupon on a first day twilight drug yeah but I'm saying the first date oh yeah see in him so he's gonna do it well I assume from going on you got farm well when he told me about the mail away I go yeah I'll do that yeah I don't want to just I did I did bathe and put on clean underpants in case it was an awkward

situation but the last time I saw him that would have been playing doctor we would have been that age. And look. Yeah. Full circle. So yeah, it gave me a reason to do something healthy. We got good stories from in the day and how he wound up here and the reason he got a hold of me to begin with.

So that will be an upcoming podcast. As soon as he has the results, I won't hear till you hear. Maybe we should do that as a live event good i just don't want it to peter like if nothing's wrong with me i feel really good like i'm in a good mood so i assume that means physically there's absolutely nothing i don't know if you realized but like like i met up with you yesterday at the new hotel home and stuff. I kind of do, I'm kind of expecting there to be like a

smell of smoke. Because in the past, you've, like when you've stopped, you've stopped, but like, I just take one drag. You have not, I cannot smell anything on you at all. I went to, we'll get to it, I went to D.C.

for that film festival. Last minute, just hey, I can get it. North I went to D.C. for that film festival. Last minute, just, hey. North Virginia International Film Festival. Northern Virginia, yeah. And I had booked a flight. The thing was on Saturday, so Friday morning, I looked at flights. Oh, there's a late Friday evening flight that would fly from Tucson to LAX, three and a half hour layover,

then LAX Red Eye to Detroit, and then a couple hour layover, get me into DC at Dulles, 8.30 in the morning for a 7 p.m. award ceremony. Which you would book, you wouldn't even think about it. In the past, you would have booked that immediately because of all the time. Yeah, that was perfect. Okay, three hours drinking. That was in your wheelhouse. That was the one you would look for.

Yeah, except it lands you there at 8.30 in the morning, meaning you can't check into a hotel until later. That means going to bother Christine, who's there for the... I was going to surprise her anyway because she was nominated. Christine Hodge, your co-star. Yeah, she was a co-star. She got nominated for an award at this thing. I said, I'll go surprise her.

And then I had booked on the way out. I go, what? Her flight out was at like 1 o'clock. So I figured, oh, if I... I couldn't get on that one. Anyway, the point was, if I had a five-hour window to wait for my return flight, I could get a reasonable fare to wait until the 5 o'clock flight,

and I'd go, fucking Dulles has a smoking lounge and no Sky Club. So if I'm sitting there for five hours. It's a double whammy. Yeah, right next to where I can smoke indoors. Or watch people smoke. Yeah. And so I ended up getting a different flight, leaving Saturday and leaving first thing in the morning on Sunday. And when I saw that smoking lounge, I just opened my head up and put my head in to sniff and breathe.

And it wasn't even smoky. I was very disappointed. But yeah, that was as close as I came to smoke. It'd be like me watching someone eat a bucket of chicken. I'd be oh man come on just give me a wing a tip i'll eat the tip well good job i mean that it's hard and uh i know with with me anything that i want to quit doing it's just staying busy and not thinking about it yeah that's the story. The maid comes. Don't worry about it. So, yeah,

we didn't win anything, except Christine did win. This was the second festival it was in. The first one we already talked about was in L.A., where we won everything. The top three. Best director, best picture, best actor. This one, we were nominated for, I picture, best actor. We were nominated for

I think 11 different things plus a jury selection, a couple of other things. But 11 on the books. And yeah, Christine was the only one that won. Of course I had been awake since 4 in the morning.

Drinking on planes since 6 in the morning. Yeah, I wasn't drinking heavily, but consistently. So when I landed at 4.30, 5 o'clock, got in my hotel, took an edible. That'll perk me up. But it made the night fun. What happened? Well, we went and surprise her okay hold on when you usually do the edibles does it perk you up or is it a crap shoot well it doesn't put me to sleep

yeah uh it can make me stay awake longer because i'm having fun where i'd normally you know take it down and go to bed oh i've seen the tweets yeah well i'm having a blast and i did have a blast i have not talked to either her or Tony, the producer, the only two I knew there for the film, since I left. So I don't know if it's as awkward as maybe. I had a fucking blast. First of all, it's a very under-attended award ceremony.

You did say Northern Virginia. Yeah yeah it's in fairfax and uh and they were charging like a hundred and something dollars to attend the award ceremony including people who were nominated uh last minute was over 125 and i'm, I'm not paying that. What? I didn't. It's like the comedy competition scams. Yeah, it's a wicked scam. So I'm not paying that. And I knew I was in that mood. Fortunately, I was high, so maybe I would have just paid it if they asked. But I knew going in when I was day drinking, I'm just going to be that sour cunt that goes, no, no.

If they win, and then they go, sour cunt that goes, no, no. If they win and then they go, is he here? Yeah, he's outside. He's on the other side of the velvet rope. He's here, but he's not paying $100 to watch you go. And the award for nicest shoes in a short film. There's like 175 awards. Oh, my God.

There were nine pages of awards. There had to be at least 50, 60 awards that they're reading off. There's none of these. There's a handful of movies that people actually showed up. I'm guessing local films. Or first time. So I'm very high. And I'm trying to bite my tongue a lot.

And then I stopped biting my tongue because it was so ridiculous. Like, no, not here. Okay. You know what? I have a good idea of the people who are and aren't here, so I'm going to speed through a lot of these. For time's sake, okay, I know you're not here. You won this.

You won that. Lady won this. And when I didn't win, well, Christine won right away. That was one of the earlier Best Supporting Actress they did early. I'm like, yeah, we won. And then, so every now and then,

I'd hear our name. Like, they had weird categories. Like, best ensemble. Best ensemble in a movie. In a group? Yeah. I would think Road Dogg would win with that. Yeah, I did too.

I started to show my disapproval When we didn't win And I know that the movie we're up against There's no one there Because they were a lot of the same category So I know if I lose And I'm not stepping on anyone's dick That's about to go up

I'm going to express my displeasure So yeah When I didn't win Best actor express my displeasure so yeah when when uh when i didn't win uh best actor like come on man what what's wrong i don't i have no idea what i said but it was loud and drawn out and not angry but what what what gives i'm here why you have to treat me like this and then so they go into some other planned thing like oh and now we're gonna celebrate so-and-so's 25 years in the business. Yeah, like the in-memoriam thing for the great-

Yeah, one of those things. And then when they get done, like this is fucking waiting for Guffman. It is just such a slipshod. And they're trying to be, they're very professional as though there was a huge audience. But there wasn't. Was it in a movie theater? Yeah, it's in a movie theater. So everyone's saying like an AMC theater.

I think it was. Well, yeah, they had a normal stage. So, I don't know. Maybe it was a theater. I was really fucking high. And, yeah. I was at points like concerned if what if i do win or have to accept for someone else from the film that won yeah i i don't know

if i can maneuver these stairs like to get from the dark stairs to the bright stage yeah it would have been trouble uh so they get done that pre-produced thing. And then they go back to reading. And they go, okay, best actor nominated. One of them says, I go, see, you're going to do it. We're going to try it again and see if you get it right this time. And the guy says, did we already do this one? She goes, let's just do it in case we didn't. I'm like, come come on do the second

person this time don't stand up and then they called the same same guy one the second time but i did i didn't have a what were people doing around you that didn't know you i don't know uh we were we kind of sat away from people. Oh, there's that much space? Oh, yeah. No, it's fucking dead empty and dark. And very, is that a very steep angle? And I'm at the end aisle seat. So easy.

Case of a shooter? Yeah. And I saw a couple of smiling faces afterwards. We were out front at the lack of a meet and greet. And so it's just that, yeah, the people that did show up, that one where I had a couple of faces afterwards. We were out front at the lack of a meet and greet. The people that did show up, a couple people said, thanks for keeping the energy fun in there. That might be someone's way of saying,

oh, you fucking dickhead over there. I guess I got to say something. Great energy. I took it all positive. I don't know. All I know is I did get into an Uber to get back to the hotel because I had a 7 a.m. flight. Wait, was there an after

party or some kind of get together after? Yeah, they had the red carpet. Step and repeat. It's a big banner. Oh, fuck. They had the trophy, which looks just like an Oscar. Sure.

And they tell you ahead of time, because they're filming the whole thing for people who couldn't be there, I'm guessing. And they go, yeah, this year, we're going to give you the award. And then when you exit this way, he's going to take the award back. And then, yeah, eventually you'll get an award or you have to buy an award. They usually do that anyway, just so there's no confusion. Because they have to keep track of them all. Since COVID, they can't do that. I don't know.

But yeah, it was some Mickey Mouse shit. I'm really glad I went. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I'd have to talk to them to see how it compared to LA but they tried their best they didn't get 125

bucks out of me I think I they put up the backdrop for the red carpet that has their name on it so everyone yeah take your picture in front of our logo step and repeat they call it never heard that and then so like the one in the one that bingo and i went to represent you they uh it was the same deal but it was pretty pretty full up i didn't see how far it

went back but i mean it was all everyone in front where we were la is more of a exactly a show business kind of town yeah they do a lot They make a lot of movies in Los Angeles. Fairfax, Virginia, I think they give away citations for parking violations, what they're known for. Pretty much that and the Johnny Depp trial. So there's a Hollywood connection. Yeah. He didn't set precedent.

He didn't make it a repeat destination. Like, hey, come for my trial and come back during Cherry Blossom. You came here for the trial. You enjoyed the pita brittle. Come on back. We can take a quick break and then actually you can start

it off with a spot for the new book, or the book that we have that you signed. Yeah, we got a deal on some of the, from across, not from across the street. Fame. This is not fame. Hardcover. Hardcovers. Yeah, they're going out on a special.

Yeah, where's Tracy? We need Tracy. But Joe Rogan poached her for that comedy mothership. She's working your show, too. Cool. I think we're going to do Merle. Oh, fuck. Daryl Lennox died.

Is that true? Yeah, I don't know. Because, hang on. I don't want to say anything. You shot me that text last night. I didn't. Tracy. Tracy.

She was where everyone comedy related. That's the center of comedy universe right now. The day before. And if you got this message and didn't see the follow-up, Floyd told me Margo from our podcast, legendary Margo in town here in Bisbee, Margo, died, which was not shocking. She's like 84. Chain smoking 84. Multiple strokes.

Yes. Multiple strokes in a weekend. Multiple strokes here at the compound. Two on a weekend. So, yeah, it turns out it was another Margo in town. There is another Margo who also died, and I didn't find out that there was a mistake

till the next day, so I was hesitant to put out. Daryl Lennox died. He's a great comedian. Still a little gun-shy from the recent. All right, yeah, let's take a quick break. Lucy! Lucy Breakers is the adult version of finding a toy in your cereal box. It's the nicotine pouch with the surprise inside. Lucy Breakers have tiny capsules that burst open to unleash delicious flavors like mint, mango, berry, and espresso. My favorite? Dirty, dirty ass. Because when I was a smoker, that was my favorite flavor in my mouth. For 15% off your breakers, check out their subscribe and save option. So give yourself

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because that's what I'm not allowed to say. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age-verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello! Hello! Now I'm thinking about ideas that I don't want to even talk about but

yeah the we want to do some some mobile uh podcast i know well i'm doing i'm giving this a simplified version of but now i'm having this one that would be completely illegal that idea but i still think there's a way to massage it. Anyway, coming back from, where did I, where was I? Virginia. Oh, no. No, Austin. I was in Austin. That must have been our last podcast.

We must have podcasted from there. Yeah, at the Hilton. Yeah. At the airport. Yeah. This is a Hilton? Oh, my God. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, your quesadilla we're out of chicken well we're also out of tortillas and the cheese is parmesan it was absolutely well I don't know then I compared it to the one when I got home and I'm like alright maybe I'm just being a cunt

all around and just looking for the negative but they were both awful the plane ride back I flew United when I got home and I'm like, alright, maybe I'm just being a cunt all around and just looking for the negative. But they were both awful. The plane ride back, I flew United. I guess they must have had a way better deal because I rarely stray from Delta, but Delta's not good for Texas

because Delta's hubs are in Salt Lake. Delta has a fantastic Sky Club, new Sky Club at the Delta. that whole concourse has been added on to. It's amazing. What, in Austin? In Austin. Yeah, but the problem, it's not good for Tucson to Austin.

No. Because you have to go to Atlanta and then come all the way back. Or LA or Minnesota. Or Salt Lake, which is the fucking worst airport. Like some governor is probably like dead that approved all that construction. By the time they built the worst fucking airport ever, brand new, and then the guy that's responsible for it is dead. Turning over in his car, laughing. Yeah, fucking 30-minute walk between.

fucking 30 minute walk between oh even la right now because of the um the construction where you have to get off the uh because you take the commuter to la to get the the big plane uh that construction you have to get off and walk on the tarmac to get on a bus to go to the to the to the main terminal that sucks yeah so avoiding but that But that's in the process of making it better. Yes. Salt Lake took a really, really good airport and then spent years reconfiguring it to make it the most inconvenient fucking awful airport ever. I mean, it's not ugly or anything. It's not like it's Newark where you're afraid to get mugged in a concourse. But it just doesn't make any sense.

Imagine a goalpost, okay? And the bottom of the goalpost, that's just where you get there. And then there's two terminals. Where you get dropped off. Yeah, two very, very long terminals. So especially if it's a small market, you're going to stick you at the fucking dick end. Yeah. And you have to walk all the fucking way here to find out, oh, I have to go all the way up here.

So, you have to go 25 minutes fucking walk from one end to the other if you get that kind of... And even if you get partway, if you get like average, oh, your average walk is still going to be like 17 fucking minutes. And that's speed walking. I walk very fast. It's the only exercise I get. It sucks. And there's only one Sky Club

down at the bottom here on one side. It's on this one, yeah. Great Sky Club, though. That's a really good one. Great Sky Club though. That's a really good one. Yeah. They got what used to be old phone booths. Yeah.

And you can go in there and make your own, which is so weird to me when someone is in the Sky Club talking full voice. No, no, no, I'm here. Yeah. It's like,

there's booths. Yeah. Empty booths back there for you to fucking be as annoying as you want to be. They have those at LAX and I'm pretty sure it's booths. Empty booths back there for you to fucking be as annoying as you want to be. They have those at LAX. I'm pretty sure it's LAX. Somewhere I was just, or maybe it's Seattle.

Seattle. I was sitting there and they're behind me and I'm like, there's a kid in there. He's just playing video games. Like, who's fucking kid? Get your fucking kid out of there. That's for people that have business to do some fucking mop top kid like fucking beans kid is some on his game yeah the fucking burger king crown on we demand it so i get uh i'm flying back i had to fly flying back. I had to fly through Denver. Flying back from Austin. Yeah, through Denver.

And the flight crew from Denver to Tucson was like, did you cast this? Because they were all, and you know flight crews don't know each other. Or if they do, it's happenstance that they're working together again. They don't work in teams. I think they do be very rare all the time I see them in Tucson they're all like you know because they'll come get off the plane stay at the same as us at the Doubletree and you see oh they just stop at their room change into their civilian clothes and then they're

sitting at the bar or a table and you'll listen into their conversation where they're always like like catching up oh did you fly that route and you do this and talking shop yeah but they're meeting each other you can tell they don't know each other so these guys were all like one of them had a half a part of his head shaved and a goatee and piercings and they all were like hipster looking guys one of them was like seriously retarded looking like um like eyes thin and far apart like like a misshapen head where like the bridge of his nose was flush with his eyes and like the nose is almost non-existent this giant like fucking hercules skull it's and the offset eyes and this nose that was almost

non-existent and but but then when they're doing the the in-flight safety announcement he's on he's on the phone lip syncing it perfectly with inflection and like moving his face emoting with the you know when you fly united and he's like almost like like you know yeah it's like he wasn't doing it he was no no it's on the tv it's a video and there he's just camping it up they were just fucking all three of the fucking dudes i had come of course in austin i get there early i I went to the Sky Club, and I tried. I had my scam in play, and I ran it past two gate agents. You're in Austin. A gate agent and the, yeah, what the Beans did when they met us for Super Bowl in L.A.

Buy the ticket. Okay, I'm flying United. Stay with me. I'm flying United out of Austin,. I'm flying United out of Austin, but I'm there a couple hours early. I want to go to the Delta Sky Club, but I don't have a Delta ticket. I could have, at that point,

booked any flight anywhere one way on Delta. That was leaving within three hours? Well, no, that was leaving that day. That day? Usually it's three hours before. Without three hours, yeah. And then show them the ticket, and then get get inside the sky club and then cancel that ticket because you have 24 hours to cancel a ticket and i go would this work and the lady the first gate agent said i don't see

why not yeah and then i go hey delta um hey i'm two million miler and I get a long time caller first time. Can you let me in or I could do this? And they go, yeah, we can't let you in. Sorry. I go, but you agree that if I do buy a ticket to any one of these places

on the board here, you let me in and I'll just cancel it? I go, I don't see why not. I go, but you're going to make me do it? She's like, I can't let me in and I'll just cancel it? I don't see why not. But you're going to make me do it? She's like, I can't let you in. Rules is rules. So then I went and drank two hours less than 40 minutes

for Bordy. So for an hour and 20 minutes am I going to go through that just to be a dick? Yeah. And then I drank two fucking drinks. Drinks were $18.18 a piece before tip and I so that's

$50 $50 for two drinks and yeah I should have scammed them anyway so that sets up that I've been drinking since before the first flight yeah please hold music music So that sets up that I've been drinking since before the first flight. Yeah, please hold.

Denver, I get into a bar. I'm suited up. I guess I have. It was funny because it was the same suit I wore for Super Bowl. That new one I traded out for. Oh, yeah. The blue? No, not the blue. The yellow.

It looks kind of orange because it's yellow and maroon checked. So together, it looks like orangish from a distance because that's what those two colors make. But it does look like Kansas City Chiefs colors. And on the first flight, someone said to me, oh, what are you, Southern Florida, one of those... Gators? Yeah, one of the Florida teams has those colors. Yeah. And then I got to the bar between

at Denver, and this lady goes, oh, you must be the same thing. I go, I get the same shit about the Chiefs when I went to the Super Bowl. Wearing Chiefs colors. It's not a team pride suit.

It's just the colors. I had no idea. They must have just played or something. I'm just in my own business mode and she you can tell from the minute you sit down this lady needs to control the bar. She's had one too many, almost a lampshade on her head.

She's talking to this guy, and then I sit down, and that gives her something to talk to that guy about is me. And this guy, you know, this guy's got a story. Where are you from? Are those whatever colors? And I go, no, it's funny. A guy in the plain ass, but no, just happens to be. And then I go back to just minding

my business. And what do you do? Because you dressed up. And what do you do? I go, I don't really do anything. I just drink and fly around a lot. Fly around a lot? And then the guy sees me. He goes, that's a vague answer. Fly around a lot? How do you fly around a lot for a living?

I'm like, oh, shit. I go, I'm just. Pilots do it all the time. Just having a quiet drink here. Trying. And then she's just going on. And now I'm being more cunty, vague about what I do. Now I'm being more cunty, vague about what I do.

And she said, at some point, I said, what flight are you on? She said, Tucson. I go, oh, God, no. I go, are you in first class? She goes, yes. I'm like, no, you too? Yeah. I'm like, we're comparing notes. I go, I'm in two.

She's in five. I'm like, oh, thank God. That's enough in first. That's quite a swath. No one talks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll do that in coach. Yeah, row 21 will happily talk to row 26 from across in the middle seat.

Aaron, what are you? You want to go get cheese goombas when we land? I'm going to take a shit. No problem. But coach, I mean, first class, we're not going to have these issues. At some point, I don't know. Some guy sat down between us, and he's doing the loud phone call thing, And he's doing the loud phone call thing where I'm like, I prefer the mind your own business lady to the guy that I'm only hearing half the conversation.

But at some point he's turning his phone where I can always get the Bluetooth. And he's just turning his phone so I can read the numbers. So I look up, I Google search the phone number. can read the numbers so like i look up i google search the phone number and based on his conversation like the the phone number comes up and he's he's trying to get his kid his place soccer and this guy is like some collegiate midwife like well we find like teenage kids and try to get them into college athletics or olympic athlete or whatever he's some kind of conduit guy because the guy's bragging about yeah she's five foot four but fastest kid on the field i'll tell you that so that i just started talking to him after he hung up and like how'd you get involved in this soccer racket he's like oh well my kid i go yeah five foot four fastest one on the field right

yeah yeah and then i start talking about this guy's name and the guy's not even connecting. I should not have any idea. You did op intel on the person. Yeah. I love doing that. It's one of my favorites. When the guy's got a boarding pass in front of you. Just like... See the name. See the airline. See where he's going to.

Then bring it up when you see him later at the bar. What the fuck was that? Anyway, I get on the fucking plane. Now I'm pretty pickled. And I sit down in two... You're in Austin still. No, this is Denver.

This is... Hang on. This is the flight I'm about to get on. The flight I'm getting on is with the cool, weird flight crew. Okay. I sit down in two... Whatever would be df you know how they're yeah and i fucking i'm the whole time i'm behind this lady on the jetway that's got a baby and like a new like everything but weeping fluid like they just it just came out of it was seven months old i know

that because she's still licking the afterbirth off it exactly it was like crucially like oh what's that the alice cooper lyric billion dollar babies i'm afraid your little head will come off in my hand it's that weak And she's clumsy with her carriage thing and at the jetway. You know, sorry, it's only seven months. I always get too horrible. You're sitting right fucking next to me. In first class, window seat.

And it's crawling at me. She's holding it, but it's like coming up in the middle fucking DMZ and like, ah, ah. I got so irritated by it. But now I know this lady is coming. She's not on the flight yet. She's coming to sit in

five, so I have, like, I am making my displeasure fucking you can smell it. It's aromatic. How much I fucking hate this lady and her baby. So I had a hundred dollar bill waiting when that lady that talks a lot lady comes on the

plane. I'm like, she goes, there you are. I go, I'm going to give you a hundred dollars to switch seats with me right now. I know she's in five. She's like, what? I go, come on, please. Otherwise, I'm going to have to rebook a flight, a seat on a

different flight. And she's like, I make a lot of money, but I'm going to take it rebook a seat on a different flight. She's like, I make a lot of money, but I'm going to take it. Then sat down and I fucking boogied. Everyone in first class saw the interaction. The guy said, I remember one time. Everyone found it funny. They didn't see that I was really being a dick. What about the lady? She was like, how dare you? see that I was really being a dick. What about the lady? Was she like,

how dare you? No. No. She's a mother so she doesn't pay attention to other people being... And she gets to sit next to a lady and not a drunk fucking scowling man. She was probably happy for the separation. She couldn't smell the displeasure. She could smell the booze. Yeah, probably. They smell it.

Which isn't as bad as a poopy diaper. Yeah, she looked like the kind that would change the baby right first class. Right there on the tray. Yeah, very fucking entitled. So I'm back. It's only a two-hour flight. And over the course of it, that lady just got louder. I see them chatting at each other.

And then the mother of the baby that chatter starts to slow down as this builds up and then it's just this cacophony of this woman oh wait that's the whole yeah well yeah i gave that lady that lady a hundred and so when this lady's given the fucking mother an ear beating by by then I'm drunk. I've already made friends with all the flight crew, which is cool as fuck. Do you guys know each other? No, no. I go, how is it?

Is it not weird? He goes, yeah, I guess it is. Delta, you don't see fucking facial piercings and things. The new normal. Yeah, and it was fucking great. And they were fun and goofy and continued over-serving me. I loved it. And at some point, I wrote a note on the back of my boarding pass.

Dear baby. Another $100 bill. Dear baby. Another $100 bill. Dear baby, my apologies. When I was first seated next to you, I thought that you were going to cause a kerfuffle and

be the loud one, but it turns out the lady I paid to sit next to you is the loud one that's disrupting all the first class. My apologies. Please. Here's $100 and I wrote something funny. Spend it on whatever. And so I had one of the cool guys

send it up. Dear baby. And then after we landed this loud lady got up and goes me and her are going to go spend your $100. Whatever. Like, oh, you got me. up and goes me and her are gonna go spend your hundred dollars at the yeah whatever like oh you got me i i just would be afraid because i mean i've been on planes with you where you pull some

shenanigans like that and i'm always afraid that something's gonna backfire i used to be way angrier yes yeah i used to and those weren't. Yes. Yeah, I used to. And those weren't shenanigans. That was just fucking air rage. That was stifled as best I could air rage and weighing my options. Okay, is my suit goofy enough to pull off this? And money talks. You weren't like throwing up a five.

You were throwing a serious tip down. Even if she makes a lot of money money hundred dollars just to take the seat i'm talking about the old days where i yeah the old days it'd be no money involved you'd just be angry and a prick and i'd sit there going jesus christ getting ready to to dive in between or something, I see both with you, even Brian and even Bingo occasionally, the post-traumatic stress disorder where I start to raise my voice in a situation like that and you both

start to leave. I go, no! I'm just going to be happy. But I see where you go. You have all day. You don't leave completely. You just kind of be far enough away that you'd have to turn to react rather than be witness to it.

The good old days. Yeah. I wish that was caught on tape somewhere other than security camera. Yeah, and it's recorded over after 24 hours. Yeah. So we do have some air travel coming up.

Oh, Canada. Fuck, yeah, I haven't been promoting Canada at all. You're gonna push Canada, man. Yeah, fucking Montreal. Montreal on the 24th. Yeah, Montreal. Like, yeah, hey, listen, I don't know if you've heard of the

Montreal Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. This isn't it. So please show up in Montreal. Forget everything you didn't know about. So please show up in Montreal. Forget everything you didn't know about. Yeah, show up in Montreal because I love to not do that festival. Go, fuck you. I just do Montreal on my own and enjoy it.

I don't have to fucking sell your racket speaking of fucking con artists. I can't believe they're not charging fucking people $125. How do you know? They might be. Who knows? But they double dip because they get sponsored. They get money

from the government. Canada. Oh, that's right. Arts. Yeah. Yeah, Canada's fat with that fucking grant money. Oh, yeah. What are you? You can write your name in the snow. How many different colors? Here's a fucking quarter

of a million dollars in loonies all right uh yeah so canada austin and again it's i'm taping the best of uh since i've taped last the last time we taped was may of 2019 and covid fucked up my whole rhythm because usually it's every cycle was interrupted yeah a couple years so uh so you build up a chunk you record it yeah then you start a new a whole new act and this came right in the middle of building up the first chunk so you're on the first leg of like two or three legs to get to where you would record. And that got interrupted. So I am just picking apart the best of the last four years. I'm going to put it in this whatever fucking set segues.

You know what I really want to do with this special is put out an honest special. So people that see your special. What do you mean by that? Like it's fucked up a little bit. Yeah. Scoofing off a bit. That's looking at notes. Like a special that looks like a really good set on the road.

Yeah. Not completely ironed out. So when you show up, if you see that special and you go, oh, I'm going to go see him live, you're not put off by the fact that... I might leave and take a shit. I don't know. I don't usually do that.

I don't know if that's what you mean by that. But if I had to take a shit, I would leave. And I'd go, hey, fucking Andy, cover for me. I've done that to piss. I've done that several times. I was going to say, you've done that a couple times where you've said, hold on, I've got to take a wicked piss. I'll be right back.

Yeah. Fucking, hey, opener or a comic that's hanging out or Chaley or bingo, bingo, come tell a dumb joke. I just get a piss. I'm not even going to do the whole piss. I'm just going to take the fucking top end off of it. How do you do that? Oh, my God. My prostate is fantastic.

And that's one of the reasons I wish I had Dr. John. I don't know if we're going to use his real name on this. I was going to say. Hip violation free. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see how it goes. But yeah, that's one thing I wish I should have him check my prostate just so he can go.

This is miraculous. You must be able to sleep for hours after you normally a normal person would get up to piss. But you could just hold that for hours. But that's not what the prostate does. Isn't that part of what its job is? The urethra part, whatever... The exit tube that goes through to your pee hole goes through the prostate. And the prostate, when it enlarges,

it can constrict that throughway. Well, what's the fucking muscle that gets all the... like holding a piss? Or being able to take the top off a piss? Prostate isn't a muscle. Well, I don't know what it is. It's a ring of some kind.

But it can. It can constrict that. And that's what... when it enlarges, that's what they're looking for. Well, we're going to fucking talk to my doctor. They can check your prostate early on with blood work, which I just had done as well. Yeah, that's what he did say.

When he said liver along prostate. And I'm like, prostate, not on the first date. Oh, wait, that's right. There's all different ways. Yeah, the Kalana fucking mailer. Kologard. Yeah, that's right. There's all different ways. And, yeah, the Kalana fucking mailer. Kologard. Yeah, Kologard. He goes, yeah, you just poop it.

He goes, it doesn't tell you how much you're supposed to poop, but it's a pretty good thing. So I gave him a sizable amount when I did mine, and he must be going, what is this? A circus trainer? He's very funny. All Massachusetts guys are really funny. This guy's very funny.

Tom Weston. Yeah. Tom Weston really funny. This guy's very funny. Tom Weston. Yeah. Tom Weston's funny. He said, yeah, you just shit in the thing, and then you send it back. I said, so it's kind of like a reverse blue apron? Here, I'm done with it. You've probably gotten more on your thumb wiping your ass one time. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just that there's a little paddle or something that you... Yeah, what he said is, I'll do space available. I'll fill whatever space you give me to work with. No, sir, you didn't have to fill it up. Why did you give me so much bucket? You smoothed it right off the top

like you're doing cement work on someone's... If you have ice cream and you say bring your own cone, I assume you're going to put the ice cream that fits to that amount of cone. If I bring a big cone, you got to fill that scoop. Yes. The book that Tracy has, we got copies of. We're going to give them your price because they found a bargain on the hardcovers. Usually we have to pay what you pay. They found a deal, limited availability for

This Is Not Fame signed, $19.99 plus shipping. And that's on the... Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com. Right, and if it's not there, that's because Chaley's putting this out and then immediately going... No, it's up there now. Oh, it is up there.

She put it up today and I said, yes, do it because that'll make us have to do this. All right. So that and Comedy Mothership.

If this gets out there before anything else, just go to Comedy Mothership and get the tickets because they're going to go fast. All right. See me on a plane. Break out your baby.

Someone's got $100 from somebody alright take us out big go ok bye bye now Thank you.