The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep. 487: "Tales from the Breezeway Motor Inn"

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

Doug and Bingo are back home with tales from the Breezeway Motor Inn, Johnny Depp on trial and getting trashed in Key West. Recorded April 19th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Policygenius.com - Head to policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order. The World Record Podcast - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Stay in the loop with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, thank you to our sponsor, BetterHelp. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. Listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. Hey, Policy Genius. Life insurance gives you peace of mind and you can trust Policy Genius. They don't add on extra fees or sell your info to third parties.

Head to PolicyGenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes. See how much you could save at PolicyGenius.com. you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hello i was uh turning my phone off the volume on my phone because i'm professional now i'm a goddamn professional we're back in bisbee for a moment uh i spent all day well i laid in bed till like noon and then i i got up as my laptop ran out of juice so i had to charge it and and I made it to the couch where the charger was, and then I fucking listened to five hours of Johnny Depp court TV. Oh, he testified today, right?

Yeah, but it started with Keenan. Who is? Our friend. He's Johnny's friend, our mutual friend, but Johnny's friend mostly, but that came down here when we were working on that pilot. Yeah. So I had to watch him. It's fun watching the ancillary people

that are not used to being in the spotlight testify. Yeah, security guy. But they're all very good. Johnny talked for quite a while How does that work When you put someone on the stand Who their profession is to make believe Oh I think he covered that

But he covered a lot of stuff I guess what they're doing is Just setting up The career that he built To show what he's lost and it's quite a extensive conversation and he tends to meander but he's i mean it doesn't sound silly or anything it's just like because at the beginning when they're you know going back and forth with the other witnesses, like, objection, and what's the relevance?

Foundation relevance. I'm trying to establish, and you would think that the other people are like, where the fuck are you going with this whole, when you played fucking Hunter S. Thompson? But no, I don't think they could do that. I guess they know what they're doing. Yeah, you think? $50 million lawsuit? Yeah, but the problem was I'd already looked at the headlines,

and they're three hours ahead, and I started three hours behind. So I know, okay, they're already, the headlines, anything juicy would be in the fucking news already. Yeah. But it's still, I mean, it's still interesting. Like a guy with a fedora that says press in it. He was like running out the doors. He said this.

Race it into the phone booth. I'll stop the press. Give me Pittsburgh 569. Get an urgent one. Is it Johnny Dangerously? Where they all go running out to get into the phone booths and it just falls over? Yeah. Yeah, it's...

And I know he's back at the Breezeway Motel there in Fairfax right now. That's where... When we went down... It's good optics to be modest during the whole thing. We were in Fairfax. We went down for, we did a show for opening night of the trial.

You did New York. You did two shows at the Sony. Is this the Sony Music Hall? Sony Music Hall. And it's fucking great. The sad part is it was part of a hotel. So it was a pajama gig where you just hit the fucking basement button on the elevator, go down, do your show, and go back up.

But the hotel is still closed from COVID. But it's such a perfect venue. Is it the Sony Hotel? No, I think it's like the Paramount. I don't know. It's fucking closed. What's the matter? It is the Paramount.

I'll get my smokes. Yeah, we're sitting right by where me and Bingo and Hennigan were staying. Me and Bingo and Hennigan were staying. This is the Breezeway Motor Inn or Breezeway Motel and it's fucking like really, really seedy. Like the kind of seedy we'd like to pull up the

van, you know, Motor Lodge. It's our jam. And I was almost going to get a room just so I could smoke in it. Because I wanted to write I wrote a whole bunch of fucking ridiculous Johnny Depp material

for the gig in Virginia. Yeah, for the gig. On the off chance that was any fucking tabloids in there. Just about how it was basically life with Johnny shacked up at the Breezeway Motor Lodge.

I don't mind sharing with the guy because he's down on his luck, but it's a perfect place because we've got a first floor entrance. We can back his Suzuki Samurai right up to the... Oh, he drove that? Yeah, he's driving it. Without a license, too, I think. Just how he has his shit everywhere and his keyboard's taking up the whole desk

so I have no place to write. Singing his sad songs he's writing all night. No, Johnny, nothing rhymes with Amber. Let me sleep. Might as well have married a girl named Orange. Let me fucking... Did you drink all my white claws? Smoking all my cigarettes?

They'll pay you back. Sure. When? Well, in a few weeks, I'll be getting like $50 million. I fell for this in the UK. Buy your own smokes. If your lawyers are so good, why are they sleeping in a VW van in the park? If your lawyers are so good, why are they sleeping in a VW van in the park?

But I was just doing all this fucking absurdist shit right off the top. And then I realized we put that out. That was sold out to our mailing list. And fucking people came again from two hours, three hours away. Virginia is one of those places, though, where you can come from like three states away in two hours. Yeah. And I think I would bet half of them didn't even figure out the fact that I was doing a show in a basement of an Irish pub. In fact, when we walked into the Irish pub the night before to scope it out,

we sat at the bar and we heard two of the bartenders talking to one of the staff saying, yeah, I don't get it. I looked at his website and it says, it's like arena, arena, and then our bar, which is obviously an embellishment, but I guess Sony Music Hall sounds like it. It's definitely nothing. Well, if they look down a little further, there's UK, which are, you know. Yeah, O2 Arena, I guess. You did open with, I'm not used to playing rooms this big.

Yeah, I would bet that half that audience didn't even figure out the connection that I was there because the trial was starting. So they probably had no idea. They might not have even known who I was talking about when I said I'm sharing a room with Johnny. It's not really on everybody's radar, you know. Well, I mean, yeah, you think it is because you're inundated with the news reports on my, You think it is because you're inundated with the news reports on my, I mean, you click on one Johnny or Amber thing on your Google whatever in the morning when you look at news, and then you just get the flood. So it seems like it, but I mean, the world's still spinning.

Yeah. There's a lot going on that has nothing to do with that. But yeah, the night before our show, we ate at the Italian place Dolce Vita. Yeah, the night before our show, we ate at the Italian place, Dolce Vita. And I heard there's three women behind us. And we could tell by the conversations, just getting snippets, that for whatever reason, they were there for the trial. Wow, who would go somewhere for a trial? Well, as I was leaving, I went over and I grabbed their check. And I said, don't worry, this one's your dinner's on Johnny.

What? What? Really? What? Really? And then as we were leaving, they said they were from Court TV trying to jack me up for where he was staying. And I'm like, God damn it. I should have told him.

Obviously, the Breezeway. Yeah, it's the only place you can smoke. Are you not on his mailing list? Yeah. When the crowd got a little tense, I go, if you guys are worried that he's coming, he's not coming here. He can't afford a $45 ticket. Not now.

Not now. When he gets his $50 million and he pays me back for my white claws. And two. Just having so much fun writing all that shit. Just the idea of Johnnyny depp drinking white claws and a fucking cd motor bum in your white claws washing his fucking socks in the toilet i mean you only drink a white clock because you're out of everything else right i have never tasted a white claw i'm very happy to report so far my unbeaten streak with white claw remains not even a sip

or anything like it for that matter like a zima yeah i figure but what the fuck was going on with the construction out in front was that in front of your place yeah right right in front there's uh interrupting my johnny deb water uh water main they're um trying to fix it because they're going to repave the whole road. But he goes, yeah, there's a leak. I think right here I go, no, no, there's one there and there. And then you look past that. That's where they patched that one.

Then over here, back door's house, there's one. That's the most recent one. And then down at the corner as well. It's all one whole line. It's like, you know, how many of these, the Swiss cheese piping. Are you going to plug before? Do you plug before you go, hey, I think we got a problem. New tire, please. Yeah.

Keep plugging up the same tire. Is it the same nail again? But yeah, it was a fucking, it was a blast. Got to hang out. I was at I was at the

Breezeway Motel Lobby Bar. I got there early, and I got recognized at a place I wouldn't get recognized. A shitty motel? Really? No, no. What? I'm just not saying where I stayed. Oh, okay.

All right. I don't know where you stayed. I haven't talked to you, so. Well, I. When we went to go see him. Mm-hmm. The fucking. The bar is like.

You would think you're walking into, you know, trading places where the two old guys would hang out. Overstuffed oxblood chairs. Kind of that. And these girls. Three girls from the fucking dental college. Kind of that. And these girls, three girls from the fucking dental college. One of them's there. Doug Stanhope? Is that suited up?

Wait, a girl recognized you? Yeah, I know. In a fucking place like that. Were you looking for a paternity suit? I was going outside. Some kind of weird thing? I go, is there another bar? Because this bar seems kind of small.

She goes, I don't know. We just came here to go to the bar. That's pretty fucking weird place for a fucking starving student to go drink. And then we started getting liquored up. And then a few of Johnny's people start filtering

in. And I'm like, they seem busy? They're probably talking fucking. Strategy. Yeah. And I, so hanging out with the chicks and there's this raucously like stereotypical,

uh, rich middle Eastern guy. I didn't have like the fucking turban or anything, but he was just like, kind of... He was like the Blues Brothers scene where they go to the fancy restaurant and they're trying to fucking embarrass the guy,

the maitre d'. And he's going, I want to buy your wife. I want to buy the little girl. He sounded like that. And he's having... He's shit-faced at the bar talking to these two women you should have a threesome with us you should have a threesome again this is where

fucking that whole yes this is me too central like this these are the guys you're talking about the old boys fucking club that can say anything in the world and the girl's like are you hearing this uh yeah and i'm just waiting for his seat because i'm fucking like i know he can't be anything in the world. And the girl's like, are you hearing this? And I'm like, yeah. And I'm just waiting for his seat. Cause I'm fucking like, I know he can't be drinking much more and stand up and I need a fucking seat at this fucking narrow ass bar. And,

uh, and then she starts getting pickled. She's like, I fucking don't fucking care. Like, God damn it. Like we're gonna, we're gonna get thrown out before he does.

I mean, she wasn't saying it. Is she loud talking about him? No, she's just loud talking about getting shit faced. And I fucking woke up in a ditch. And that can't be good. I don't know what happened. Just really, like, not appropriate conversation. I was just trying to do a fucking new york times crossword puzzle

waiting for my friend they had free new york times there that's a proper hotel and then so uh so at some point the guy's like falling down leaving and he's got his arm draped around one of those women like it's the fucking dog from the Grinch that stole Christmas. And he fucking grabs her ass on the way out. She goes, he just grabbed my ass. And the fucking

bartender is like, what? And fucking raced after him. Didn't catch him in time. Didn't catch him in time for what? The helicopter that took him away? I don't know. Elevator maybe? He could have have gone to his room he could have gone outside down the stairs he uh but then they and then they're coming over to do you want to file a report and the fucking manager of the the hotel managers in there making it she's like yeah i just fucking what a scumbag i can't believe that guy just grabbed my ass.

And then she starts, well, we should at least get a free round of drinks, right? I'm like, come on. This is exactly why these problems start. Now it's looking like you're trying to fucking nurse it. She's like, you want another one? Leave me out of this. I'm already here to fucking watch one of these cases in a microcosm, a macrocosm.

It was very funny. And then, down to Key West with Tom Dustin. Wait, how was the gig in Virginia? It was really good and the bar,

the, the, the Ald Shabeen, A-U-L-D-S-H-A-B-E-E-N. Old Shabeen. Proper Irish club. I would like you to know I did not open. I featured for Doug Stample.

Featured? And introduced him. Wow. With the OQ joke. Yeah, she did that in New York on the second night. Yeah. And she ran out really fast. It's like 500 seaters, a big fucking place.

Yeah. And ran out really fast and told her joke before. They didn't realize the mic wasn't hot yet. So she'd already introduced Morgan Murphy silently and came off the stage. Oh, she introduced Morgan Murphy to herself? No one could hear it? Only to me. Yeah, because Morgan, of course, is still talking. She doesn't realize when I say it's a 30-second

guest set, it's less. She went short. She did about 20. 30 seconds includes her walking out and back. I got the light at 15 seconds. It was cool. Yeah, Morgan, she's been living in New York. It was nice to catch up.

When I see her again in LA, it'll be my turn to talk. So you did the Fairfax gig. And like I said, when we were talking about it, it does seem a little On the nose For the shit town tours So that's probably why People didn't flinch At you

Yeah At you playing out there Yeah it's not Yeah Yeah we've played Those still happen Yeah we've played way worse It's like 90 seats

And a bass But a perfect box room Yeah Just a couple of Sight line Yeah Sight line Issues

Reminds me of the sound of the gig. Sounds like that place where we were up in fuck, way up north with Andy when he ate 100 milligrams of acid. Oh, yeah. Duluth. Duluth. Very similar. Yeah. That was an Irish pub that

comedy show was happening, but no one really gave a shit. It was like just on the side. They were still, you know, slinging their jalapeno poppers and drinking their, you know. Yeah. No, they were really excited to have us. I'm sure they thought Johnny might show up.

Oh, yeah. What's going to happen? Nothing is not, there's no fucking way Johnny Depp is gonna be in a fucking Irish pub the night of his first night of his trial especially one that doesn't have like a VIP elevator phalanx

with the documentary people at the Fairfax show yeah one of those women came up to me With the documentary people at the Fairfax show? Yeah. One of those women came up to me and had a picture of my grandma Nyla with the pink mustache on. So he must have gotten that to her somehow. So I gave Johnny the picture of my grandma and he took it to court with him the first day. Yeah. Yeah, he's in good spirits.

He was. A lot better than last time. Yeah, so it's, I mean, I have a bunch of shit I should be doing. And as soon as I clicked on it, I just get to watch a minute of Keenan and like, ah, fuck, I get to watch this. This is fun.

This is really fun. Well, I mean, you also know the players too, which makes it a little more interesting. Yeah. Just zoning out. Yeah, plus I want them to win that 50 mil. White Claw. I wish the trials like that ended

where they just had to write a check. Like when you leave a restaurant. Yeah. You can't. You can appeal this. You can't leave until. Yeah, you can appeal it. They hand the little booklet.

Yeah, yeah. You put your credit card in the top. Yeah. Sticking out and put it standing up vertical. There be anything else? Hope everything's been okay. My name is Sheila. If you went on appeal, he'll have to write you a check

right away before he leaves I don't get so much of that I mean at least they're not wearing the powdered wigs like they do in other countries but still it just seems like so much of trial is so really do I have to say this again really just and i'm sure it's the fucking lawyers that charge the money that

oh no we have to fucking cross every t it's you know it's a nation of laws but it was good to get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you were just there for like two days, right? Yeah, when we... Because there was a chance. Johnny said, oh, yeah, I think we're going to come to your show. And then we're like, I know his team is going to fucking say no and corral him. His team is probably 90 people. But for those two hours before the show, you're just sitting there all fucking...

Well, if he does show up, this changes the entire dynamic of the show yeah and now we have to worry about fucking entrances and exits and seating him where he's not going to be and that becomes the show i love seeing him more than anything and hennigan and i agreed it's also so refreshing when he we're not going to see him because when it's like when you have to deal with those kind of problems and like yeah we're not going to make it oh thank god

hey Trace can I get a liquid death? Do you want one of the flavored ones or do you want regular? I'll do the mango chainsaw. Hell yeah yeah I just found out they have flavors now so good I just found out they have flavors now. So good. I just use them as mixer.

There's spring water, there's sparkling water and then now there's two flavors. We got berry and mango. Yeah, I'll take some ice too. Yeah, one when I drink vodka soda grapefruit, my go-to, one liquid death is about the perfect amount of mixer for as much as I drink it at night.

Yeah. I almost always wake up to an empty can. Perfect. We got some other shit. Where's my glasses? A.D. Wright Studio. What? Oh, yeah. my glasses uh ad right studio what oh yeah well yeah we're okay we're breaking anyway so please hold and i'll do this with the other commercials hey this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy.

You ever been shacked up with your deadbeat old friend at the Breezeway Motor Lodge? He's drinking all your white claws and all you can do is just get on a plane to Key West and you realize that you sharted last Wednesday. You sharted in line when you were boarding that plane and you realized today, a week later, that you have not changed your underwear, that might be a sign of depression. Who are you going to call? Your dry cleaner? No, you're going to go to betterhelp.com. People don't always realize that physical symptoms like headaches, teeth grinding, and even shart issues can be indicators of stress. Let's not forget about doom scrolling around, sleeping too little, sleeping too much, under

eating or under washing. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. So give it a try and see if online therapy can reduce your stress. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash stanhope.

We're back. All right, well, let me do the A.D. Wright Studio that I started before. He's an artist, and he doesn't have his name. I guess his name is A.D. Wright, W-R-I-G-H-T. And he sent us some stickers and wall magnets, two different ones, collages of dead comics, old and new. They're like four by six. They're not like little stickers. Yeah, they're five by sevens, I think. Five by seven. Yeah, that makes sense.

So, yeah, they're on the fridge. The stickers, bingo. I think Andy Andrist is on here. And I go, we still, that's the only one I can't figure out. Is that Richard Jenny? It's the only one I can't figure out. Is that Richard Jenny?

It's the only one I can't figure out. Are you going to have a sack of it? No. Too soon. I would think so. But I mean, Sean Rouse is on here. How cool is that? Oh, yeah.

It's been a couple of years. But I'm saying, he's included with Lenny Bruce. They're different. Oh, they are? Yeah. Oh, wow. And fucking Sean Rouse should be on the same portrait as Lenny Bruce. If you listen to Sean Rouse today, you'll laugh.

You don't go, what does that mean? Is that Ryan Dunn from Jackass? Who? Is that who that is? You know what? I have no idea. That's the other one. That's the other one we couldn't figure out.

That's Jeff Tate. No, that's Ryan Dunn from Jackass. You're right. Oh, wow. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. Ben goes looking at him. She goes, hey, when you die, am I going to get a free sticker?

Yeah, you're right. That's the Jackass guy. We just watched that jackass the new jackass motherfucker is it funny wait where did you did you hear watch it here oh you can get it yeah yeah i'll watch it again yeah let's do it right after this podcast one of those things where it's like all right i'll watch it but you know it can't capture that that same feeling watching the first one especially the first one because you're like what the fuck i i couldn't believe how fucking good it was it was like the the bits are good and they did they did it right i'm not gonna say anything but but the way they did it was smart because those guys are a little old

are we all and uh yeah we had you're permanently catheterized maybe take another angle on this gag. Yeah, it was very good. And then we ended up watching I think three Jackass movies that night. Three of them. The only one we didn't watch was Jackass 3D. Because I was too tired

by the third one. I watched three things this morning. I watched the two parts of Jimmy Savile British Horror Story. Yeah.

That's on Netflix. Yeah, that was like at times it stretched to the point where I thought, are they going to try to wedge a third episode into this? Because it's fucking brutal. It made me kind of rethink one or two of my jokes. Just people have gone through that shit I won't give anything away

and the other one the first one was a god damn it was a documentary about fuck I don't know who's here probably Tariq or Kelly but she can't be here yet it's fucking amazing like how long you can be

gone on the road and come back and there's still nothing on Netflix. I probably shouldn't be talking shit about Netflix. Yeah. Now that I'm going to do the Netflix comedy special, April 30th, Saturday night, coming up. With Jane Fonda. Avalon Hollywood. Yeah. And there's tickets available.

Hollywood and Vine. Is that the beginning of the festival? Roseanne said she was, Roseanne's going to get, she's doing an hour on some streaming network. And she's like, yeah. I go, well, I'm going to be there if you want to come do, you know, 15 up front. Well, maybe I'll do that to force myself to write. And I don't think she's going to. Yeah.

I think she'll bail out. She's one of those many people where you go, they said yes, but we'll see. Well, either way, she was fun. And was it Colorado Springs? And then she got down to it and then did another set in Salt Lake City. Yeah.

So yeah, that'll be fun. Fuck it. Anyway, so yeah. Wait, there was one other thing. Key West. Oh, wait, no. This is the

guy that sent me this book. He's a he's a professor or something. He put together this compendium of what you describe it, Tracy. Oh, yeah. It's called Taking a Stand. It's theses. Theses.

Did you say feces or theses? Yeah, essays or theses. It says contemporary U.S. stand-up comedians as public intellectuals. And then on the back, it says comprehensive study of comedy as social discourse and how comedians influence public opinion. And it's got, what, probably 15 at least contributors that wrote different so I got a chapter go ahead Tracy

I'm going to let you try to read just the opening page of my chapter it's called Killer Closer Doug Stanhope and the White Libertarian Stand-Up Tradition by Thomas Clark then he quotes you the only true freedom that you find is when you realize... I don't read that part.

Read his fucking gobbledygook. This is him. Rather than reading this paper, you might just want to watch the climatic finale of Doug Stanhope's special, Doug Stanhope Before Turning the Gun on Himself, blah, blah, blah, which is really readily available online.

The bit is titled, Remember When I Used to Give a Shit, slash Killer Closer. This 15-minute double bit consists of an account of his failed efforts to affect change as a comedic public intellectual, followed by a densely allegorical explication of the purpose and methodology of his art and the libertarian convictions that inform it as

such is a perfect example of how standup comedy is a literary genre. Let me explain it all to you. It gets way more sick than that. Oh yeah. It's like nine pages of just, I don't have any fucking, I just wrote a bit. And he goes through a bunch of my bits and then says gobbledygook like that. Like a deep dive. Laser pointed on every little word.

I like how he starts laying out the three parts of his thesis. Yes. My third point picks up on how this latter perspective corresponds with the popular conceptions of the public intellectual and reinvents them through the genre of comedy for the fragmented social and media spaces of the 21st century. Stanhope thus emerges as an updated version of Emerson's ideal of the man-thinking as opposed to a pigeonholed academic professional,

an exponent of the Therovian individualism of being a majority of one whose authority is rooted in the public performance of integrity and authenticity rather than in superiority or in consensus and majority building skills. I'm going, wow, I just thought that was a pretty funny bit. Imagine being that smart that you just, that guy can't possibly enjoy comedy. If he's seeing, if that's what he's, I was just going to say, if he's seeing all this nuance

in it and i don't know what nuance means but i think i used it right but maybe not later on it goes to explain doug stanhope has failed intellectual and again you could insult me in that language as brutally as possible. I wouldn't get it. Yeah. You're fucking spinning your wheels, kid. So is the book like. It's breaks down just different. Like different comics.

Like Lisa Lampanelli and how the societal race fucking pejoratives. I don't know what that word means. I just. It's hard to riff fake big words When you don't know big words Yeah no one No one came up to me After the Key West show And said anything like that

Weird Hey that abortion shit you did That was tits Do more Thoreauvian stuff No way He's way more emerson legan powell we get to well you know we uh we took the train from new york to virginia which was fucking great because he didn't have to deal with that fucking LaGuardia or JFK bullshit and getting out of the city.

We just were staying right next to the train station, walked across the street, stayed at a beautiful bar at Penn Station, had some pre-trained cocktails, had a couple of during-train cocktails. And you tried the lowest bowl

to call me. Oh, what time? During train cocktails. You tried the lowest bowl to call me. You got a little loud at the end. Oh, that's right. I remember we got calls. And you started telling people that you made spaghetti in your pants. You did. You were out of control drunk, I think is what. Yeah. Not quite yet, because we still had to get off the train, get to our hotel, go eat next door.

Then we got shitty drunk. I think people on the train were trying to get you to quiet down. I remember that being part of the conversation. No, I think you were just going for it. don't think it people were trying to ignore oh yeah no yeah he told me that it was actually one of the workers that basically you're in a quiet car and oh yeah yeah you were supposed to be i don't remember that at all huh i don't remember that oh wow that's what you told me bingo wasn't even drinking no that's funny that's what you told me.

You made that up. No, I just don't remember it. Maybe I was drunker than I thought. But we made it through. It was leaving there as we were up late drinking to fly out. Flew out, just packed just in time to get to Dulles. Dulles fucking great airport has a smoking bar not a smoking bar but a smoking lounge next to the bar attached you can bring your drink

through the back way into the smoking lounge and i was alone one guy came in i'm like oh thank god i thought maybe this was a mistake and they didn't lock it. Didn't you get a picture? Yeah, the second guy that came in on the next cigarette was like, hey, I know who you are. Like, yeah, let's take a picture of us at a smoking lounge. So then I'm smoking and drinking, so

I'm drinking more. And then we had to take the flight to it's always that first flight where you have the perfect amount of cocktails and you're fucking Joe friendly and I'm a spokesman for the company and I get all my gimmicks. I have so much great vintage Delta shit to give out now

when the flight attendants are cool like that. I bought like eight old Sky magazines from the 70s, which was the seat back, you know, in-flight magazine for Delta. Yeah. And just like reading those, just looking at the old advertisements that they'd have for like Diners Club, fuck American Express, sign up for Diners Club. And this is why we're better than american express and uh but then the application is like a third of the page where you're supposed to clip it out but you're gonna fill in your fucking mother's maiden name and your social security and your annual income like an entire

fucking banking form and then just cut it out and stick it in your own envelope uh yeah just but we had the greatest flight attendants. And so we're giving them all this. I give them all pins and shit. Matchbooks, pencil sharpeners, everything, pins. Oh, those Delta pencil sharpeners are good. I thought that was a joke. But those work really good.

I got like nine of them. So yeah, I was giving away all my gimmicks. And when they wrote us up one of those cards, thank you so much, Doug and Bingo. But you gave them a card first. You gave them a card. Because you buy the appreciation cards. Well, no, those come with every year. You get four cards.

Okay. Every year when you're diamond. Tell us if someone did a great job. Here, fill this out. There's only four really tiny lines. So I write something ridiculous in there. Every year when you're diamond, like, tell us if someone did a great job. Here, fill this out. There's only four really tiny lines. So I write something ridiculous in there, how they helped midwife my wife's baby. Yeah, you've done that a couple of times. Toilet.

So, yeah, we just had the best fucking flight experience, which means extra cocktails. And then we almost missed our flight. They were late. So we had to fucking race to our gate, which we were sure we weren't going to make our flight, but it was waiting for us. Nice. We get on that plane and that sucked for whatever reason. And then we land. Now I'm fucking polluted.

And Key West is a great tiny little airport but what they need is a way bigger airport because they have a smoking bar too they have an outdoor beach bar you know the world's only uh beach bar or whatever it's not about beach turf out there yeah it's just fucking you go outside and you can smoke in one corner uh which is great for me but when you land and you're fucking even trying to thank god they have that outdoor bar because there's no place to stand in the fucking terminal it's just packed and then when you go to baggage claim when we landed it's just fucking third world country cramped and the bags start coming up and we're not seeing our bags right away that's supposed to be when your priority your bags come off first that went away with covid and then i start realizing wait we barely made it onto this flight running between terminals our bags didn't get from that other flight. We were the first people off that flight.

Last people on this flight. So I just said to him, hey, listen, our bags aren't coming up. Our flight was late. Just give me the numbers that I can call later because I don't want to fucking sit in that

stewing, teeming mass of people. I want to get out of here. I was still wearing my fucking long johns. Oh, God. It was From Chicago? From New York?

From the flight to New York, through all of New York, through to Virginia, and then through Virginia. Because we get to Virginia and it's like a high of 55. And I'm out smoking all the time. I did warm up on the last

two days, but I didn't care. It gets cold at night. I'm not going to take them off and put them back on. So now I'm in fucking Key West. It's 82 degrees and 117% humidity. And I'm in my fucking suit. Long John's

t-shirt, shirt, shirt tie jacket. Long johns top and bottom. And then I was like, oh, what? Fuck. No bags. So we go to the bar and I just drink through the sweat,

you know? Tough it out. But before I left, I said, just give me the number. Sir, just wait a minute. Like, wait to see if your bags are really not. I go, I said, just give me the number, sir. We'll just wait a minute. Like wait to see if your bags are really not. I go, I know they're not coming.

Just give me your phone number, sir. One minute. I go, well, you don't even know your own phone number. Just give me the goddamn phone number. I made a bit of a scene. It's just, just one thing. You can just say it out loud. You don't need a minute.

You need bucking less than it takes bingo to close silently for to open silently for morgan murphy on stage and she goes it's 305 whatever whatever and then i i turned away she goes you're welcome i said one minute so then we get an Uber to... I thought you were going to say... Whatever. No, no, our guy. Our guy, yeah.

Our guy picked us up. Joe or Steve. The Key West Tours. He was a local comic. Steve. Steve. Yeah, Steve that runs the... Well, he works for Key West Rentals.

So he's got the Key West Tours. Yeah, Jeep Tours. So he picked got the Key West tours, Jeep tours. So he picked us up. And by now I'm on the phone with Delta as he's driving us to the condo, explaining why I, I might've had a short temper with her, but what she didn't understand

when she kept saying one minute, my wife suffers from incontinence and she was evacuating right there on the floor i don't have time i had to rush her out of there so eventually after i call back then the people are trying to get our bags back and i said did you have the all the notes from my first call and the ladies laughing on me? Yep. Yes, I do. So, yes, my wife was shitting her pants, and next time be a little bit more prompt.

Shitting her dress, which would have gone directly on the floor. Steve enjoyed your golf. That was great. Policy genius. Why do we have life insurance? Because like you, we're planning on faking our own deaths. Having life insurance through your job may not be enough. Most people need up to 10 times more coverage to properly provide for their families. Typically, life insurance gets more expensive as you age, so it's smart to get a policy sooner rather than later. PolicyGenius is your one-stop shop to find insurance you need at the right price. Click the link in the description or head to PolicyGenius.com and answer a few questions. In minutes, you can compare personalized quotes from top companies to find your lowest

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asking a lot of questions. So head to policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. So yeah, then we went to the Ram's Head again, smoking bar in Key West and drank the night away until our bags came stumbling around trying to find a Walgreens

and then my way home It's a beautiful town where they still have respect for old, fat drunks. Hey, yeah, we still have a place. Chain-smoking old, fat drunks.

I sat down at that Ram's Head bar with our... And there's a girl sitting next to me. Cute, bookwormy looking girl, and she's reading a book. And she got her food. And I go, excuse me, do you mind if I read your entire book? I forgot to bring a book.

She's like, yeah, what's it about? It's about life after traumatic brain injury. And I'm like, oh, But Bingo knows that world. And she said her boyfriend had a traumatic brain injury. He got in a scooter accident or something. And at some point, I just shot in the dark. I said, where are you from? She said, oh, no, I live here.

And I go, you know Tom Dustin? from she said oh no i live here and i go you know tom dustin tom dustin is a boston comic with a thick boston accent a fucking adorable kid but and he's got a fucking wicked hot boston accent and he's a fucking rummy and in a town the size of key west yeah if this girl is fucking hanging around at bars and she's cute there she'd probably fucking run into tom dustin on occasion and i said tom dustin she goes the comedian tom dustin was on episode 350 of the doug stannell podcast so that's when we were down there last time yeah she said the comedian i said yeah i somehow knew you might know him and she said yeah when when my boyfriend got into that accident tom dustin was asking me right away if

oh he's in an accident did he get any painkillers did he get it did he get prescribed any oxys dustin fucked up his uh he blew out his uh flip-flop now he blew out his achilles yeah he blew out his achilles tendon yeah he's just pushing a boat they took some boat out to some other key to do a photo shoot with some naked ladies or something. Promo shots like him with two fucking broads from behind with nice asses. I don't know what for. Probably for nothing other than hey, you girls want

to be models? Fake photo shoot. But yeah, they get stuck in a sandbar and he tried to fucking push the boat out and blew his fucking hamstring out. So now he said, yeah, they tried to talk a sandbar and he tried to fucking push the boat out and blew his fucking hamstring out. So now he said, yeah, they tried to talk me into surgery, but it was going to be like $12,000. And they go, well, like in the old days, they would just put this in a cast. And I go, okay, how about we just do that?

I don't have $12,000. So he did. Just threw some cast on so he's he's on some like motorized old people's scooter like a rascal yeah i had i'd forgotten all about it i said hey well we're at this bar like he wanted me to come to his hey i get a bottle of vodka if you want to come over to my place and that's like a 15 minute walk i go just come here and then i forgot he's gonna take a scooter through the fucking it's key west if you want to come over to my place. And that's like a 15 minute walk. I go, just come here. And then I forgot he's going to take a scooter through the fucking, it's Key West if you haven't been there. It's like the French Quarter, only tighter.

So he had to take his rascal scooter with his fucking busted fucking cast that goes from half his foot to half up his calf. Like, oh shit, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have made you come here with that thing it's only bad on the cobblestones it's not in good condition he's like begged for it on facebook not begged asked but yes there's someone that didn't need theirs anymore and it's all fucking rickety. It's like an old scooter. But his club is great. They just expanded it. So now it seats 100.

And it was like the first night was, it felt like the best of triple gigs in 1991. The audience was like people that never heard of a cell phone. They were like really into just being in the moment. And I just, yeah, I i smiled i met a guy afterwards i was wearing one of your old burner jackets uh as a burner jacket but i go if i'm gonna sweat through it i might as well fucking sweat through the one i hate and then some guy came in with a beautiful fucking jacket my size. I'm like, you want to trade out? Absolutely. Oh, wow.

You get a game-worn jersey, and I got one that's way better than it. I remember when we were there that time. You wouldn't perform. We just went out there. We got our nails done. Remember that? I forgot. Yeah, Tom, it reminded me. And it had a full bar.

We had cocktails and pedicures. Manicures or whatever. It was, yeah. The whole shebang. Yeah. Very drunk. Yeah. Went to the Butterfly Museum.

Yep. We didn't do anything. Yeah. It was great because when you have shows, shows yeah it gives you a reason to kind of balance out your drinking so i didn't feel as much like i was gonna die as when we left there yeah there was no reason even the second before the second show i did start mimosas at 11 30 and i paced myself and i still had a fun time on the second show. But we didn't move the fucking Johnny Depp Bibles, which is good, because we were charging way too little. We got two Bibles from the Johnny Depp Suites in Virginia.

And I'm like, we're going to sell these on eBay and just do it for charity for Innocence Project. Yeah, that's way better than... sell these on eBay and just do it for charity for Innocence Project. That's way better than... I just didn't want to carry the fucking things home. Wait, you didn't keep them? Yeah, we have them. Yeah, we have them. We didn't sell them. Sold a couple the first night, but not the Johnny Depp ones.

Ah, alright. I have nothing else on my notes. Sorry to that lady in baggage, Quain, but fucking just give me the phone number. So the Key West gigs, I'm looking at their website right now, comedykeywest.com. Yeah, Tom Rose is out there, Kathy Gilmore.

I mean, they've got regular comics going out there. He's had so many of our friends down there. And they have a new condo, too. It's a second story, but it's way better, and it's really adorable. All that shit, remember we replaced or bought their condo a bunch of shit? Remember there was kind of a creepy little place. I liked it. It was cool.

I stayed on the couch. You were in the little room there. But then there was a big mansion or something one time. And they had partitioned it up to where there was like some like dominatrix was two doors down or something. Yeah. And then there was a sushi bar close by. I mean, we were on the outskirts. Yeah.

It wasn't really. It was a restaurant that had sushi. Yeah. Kind of. It wasn't a sushi bar. But yeah, there was a restaurant that had sushi, kind of. It wasn't a sushi bar. But yeah, there was a couple things you could get to, but it was not close to anything. Yeah, yeah, it was out there.

This is close to shit, and it's a little loft, like A-frame, all fucking pan of wood. It was an attic apartment. Yeah. It was really cute. Like a Fonzie room. But that last condo was... So whatever. He was really cute. Like a Fonzie room. But that last condo was, so whatever.

He was telling me, yeah, you stocked it with like appliances and Tupperwares and like all the shit it was missing. This place was missing a lot of shit. So one of their apartments has all that shit that we bought for the comedy condo. The guy who cleans it. Yeah. I left him a 1989 USA Today. Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne Barr was on the cover. And Walter Payton had died. That was the headline. And I didn't leave much else. I was going to leave all my condiments in the packets and start fresh, but I forgot. But go, book yourself at Key West Florida, those people. Yeah, 100 seats. But go, book yourself at Key West, Florida. Those people, yeah.

100 seats, but the fucking crowds are incredible. Staff was incredible, too. The bars are incredible. Does Tom book that, or is there a booker? He's just- Oh, Bar General Hospitality. That's the one I want to promote, because it's right around the corner from the club, and they do craft cocktails. Whiskey Sours with Egg Whites. That's the corner from the club, and they do craft cocktails, whiskey sours with egg whites. That's the name of the bar?

Yeah, and you can smoke outside, like anywhere else in Key West, if you can tolerate the music. That was my opening line. I love Key West. If you want a city where you're going to have fucking Marvelous Night for a Moon Dance stuck in your head on a bad cover version every bar has the solo act guitar guy the brown-eyed girl do you remember what and uh yeah that was

fun to open with because both nights i had those fucking guys sitting right up front different musicians but both nights uh yeah i'm one of those, I'm one of those guys. I'm one of those guys, too. Which I get a good bit out of the rest of it, which I will not burn. Hey, we're going to get out of here. And yeah, Netflix comedy special. April 30th. April 30th. And evidently, I'm doing something May 3rd in Austin, Texas.

But I got to wait for fucking Rogan to announce it or I don't know. I don't know what it is. I think it's already out. We'll put it in the show notes. Also, May 15th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin at the Milwaukee Improv. Yes. Milwaukee Improv. Should we film a special there? No.

Never been there. I know. That's why I said no. I went, no, I should go there first. I was just thinking, where do we film our next special? I remember where you wanted to do the next one. The Tralf. Tralf. Yeah. Rest in peace.

No, it's open again, isn't it? I think it's reopened. I heard that it was closing during COVID, and I haven't heard anything about it opening again. Buffalo. Buffalo, New York. It's an interesting place, and it was just the second time we were there, Doug's like, I want to film here.

Cool. Yeah, it's kind of like three sides. So you got people all around you, and there's like, is there a balcony there? Yeah, it was a raised section, yeah. All right, I got to go. We have to go watch Jackass. Bingo, take us out live. Okay, bye-bye now.

Oh, your mic was off. I needed the light. Come on now. សូវាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.