The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep. #496 "50% of Your Expectations"

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

Doug has a couple of issues with the auto industry. Another 30 Days in the Hole begins July 9th. If you are having issues playing the main link try our SOUNDCLOUD LINK  - https://soundcloud.com/user-247620879/ep496-50-of-your-expectations-ad-free/s-7aU70PMOpv4?utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing  Recorded June 27th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Get your Disease Tees at the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. The World Record Podcast - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

BetterHelp. I love BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Customized Online Therapy. Listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Yes, you are. Good morning. 9 a.m., 9.30 a.m. I woke up salty, Mr. Chaley.

Salty and still a little bit high from last night. I'm telling you, those things save five milligrams. And I get way more high off those, it seems. Pineapple and jalapeno. Oh, it's the pineapple. It helps activate. I don't know. Company Christmas party tomorrow night, sushi.

What? Yeah. Well, unless you're busy thought we already had one this I know but we quarterly quarterly yeah our quarterly

meeting where we all I hear back from all the divisions how's merch okay give me the update on merch for the quarter. Tracy. How is merch? How's our disease t-shirt selling? Well, right now, Abortion is Green is

all. Oh, yeah. Hey, by the way, anyone on social media, please repost the Abortion is Green t-shirts because yeah, time is of the essence. We've been selling those for 10 years or something. 12 years.

12 years. Abortion is green. And now, finally, the Supreme Court makes a decision that works in favor of our- All of our letters asking for abortion to be, Roe v. Wade to be repealed have finally paid off so that we can sell more abortion is green t-shirts yes and also tweet the bit if you youtube the uh the abortion is green doug stanhope the bit about that that comes from yeah it's factually accurate uh so uh yeah okay and uh greg chaley how's things on the renovation front?

Pretty good. Looks like we're going to have clear weather for the next two days so we can put the rubberized coating on the outside of the little house. And then it's self-leveling floor time. Chaley has been a fucking contractor. I'm not a contractor. I play one here at the Funhouse. Yeah, but he's been working night and day To the point where we don't even ask him

Like I found a Well again yeah I go oh that's something I should point out to Chaley But I don't want to screw up his work Wait what there's something wrong? Nah nah not really There's something wrong I don't know that there's something wrong

What is it? That's pooling water. Where? It's... No, I'm working on pooling water right now, making sure it doesn't pool, that it doesn't even get into the house. Well, I just noticed that underneath the refrigerator in the main house, in the back in the pantry, there's a little puddle of water dripping out. There's a little puddle of water dripping out. But I've also noticed that because it's monsoon season,

like when I open the fridge, there's condensation on a lot of the things in the fridge. And I know that door does sometimes stay a little bit open if you're not keen to make sure it's fully shut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, there was a little bit of water. So I go, you know, I'm not going to bother Chaley with this. I'm just going to wipe it up And see if it comes back

Yeah exactly that's it And it came back a little tiny Okay so there's something The filter Why would that do that Well I was just thinking You used to have a problem With the old fridge in there

Yeah Welcome to fridge talk Talk, everyone. Oh, don't worry. This gets good. Okay. Well, I've been on the phone a lot. I was getting ready to tune out. When I woke up, we've had a lot of automobile action here at the compound.

When we were on the road, again, another fucking windshield got fucking scratched. Oh, yours too. Yeah. We've replaced at least a half dozen windshields in the last two years. Yeah, but we're also, the chip doctor in Sierra Vista, shout out. He's also getting lots of work. Because instead of just every time there's a good-sized crack, I'll take it to him first because he's reasonable. And then we don't need to have the windshield replaced.

But now we have one right in the middle. Yeah, this one's a fucking star. Yours and then the tour van too. Yeah, but last time I – well, the first road trip I took to Austin last year, The first road trip I took to Austin last year, my first trip after COVID last March, fucking gravel hauler going the opposite direction. Thwap! Fucking big star in my windshield.

Same thing. Gravel hauler going the opposite direction on me and Bingo's road trip. Thwap! And I i said what are you gonna do fucking turn around and fucking high beam until he pulls over you gotta do that thing where you're like driving but then squinting to like pull focus closer to see what is you know road debris or what is it a crack on the windshield so it's like find the crack game. Yeah. Is this a wasp? A moth? No.

And yeah, you're on a fucking two lane. I pulled to the side of the road so I can bang a Yui and track them down and say, is this your rock? Yeah. I'm going to go find the rock. Go get another crack.

Follow it. This came on. I want to, I'm going to match this rock that I think is the one. Look, it fits right there. CSI. So I call safe light,

which it's a boring to me when I have to call them because of that stupid fucking jingle that gets stuck in your head that they answer the phone. Yeah. It's you annoyed your way into my head and now I'm calling you works. I did. I had fucked it. Yeah, it's... You annoyed your way into my head, and now I'm calling you. Works. I did. I don't know if there's an option. If there was another option,

I wouldn't know about them because they don't have an annoying jingle. But yeah, they come to your door. We should do that with the abortion is green. Abortion is safe. Abortion is green. Sales spiked. So I call, and they come to your door.

So it's easy. You don't have to deal with them. You don't have to sit in a shop. I get on the phone, and it's safe light repair. That's how they answer the phone. So you're already annoyed. And then they ask you all these questions for fucking automated. How will you be paying? Please choose from the following options. I finally get a guy on the phone and he's like, he goes, how are you paying i go uh well what's it cost he's like well how are you paying i go well would you if i'm paying with insurance do

you charge more than if i'm paying cash it's like that's between uh safe flight and your insurance i'm not at liberty to discuss i go don't say that's between Safe Flight as though that's a third party. You work for Safe Flight. So say that's between us and your insurance. Don't say Safe Flight and distance yourself if you're grifting. It got off to a bad start. Then he asked for my email address. I go, I want a windshield.

I don't want to start a correspondence. You don't need an email address. Here's my insurance. Sir, you need a valid email address. I mean, you've already found him. I said, I don't have an email address here's my insurance sir you need a valid email address i mean you've already found him i said i don't have email i'm blind i keep following gravel trucks yeah that that whole conversation fell through at one point and i just decided to call back and get a different representative that i didn't get off on the wrong foot because i just wanted someone to come out to replace my windshield and it's a 15 minute conversation for no fucking reason just here's

my address here's my insurance what else why is he belaboring all this and uh she goes well you have and I forgot about this last year because I have whatever fucking sensor safety. Oh, that's right. I have to go to fucking Sierra Vista. Yeah. Cause they have to recalibrate whatever a sensor is hooked up to the, the,

the windshield. Yeah. Yeah. And it's in some industrial park in Sierra Vista. That's not near anything. It's not even the dealer. Two to three hours. Yeah.

So I have to have someone come with me. Hence, company Christmas party. We go to sushi while the car is being worked on. And because otherwise I'm sitting in the fucking industrial park with a payday

bar and a vending machine for dinner. You would never sit there for three hours. No, I wouldn't. I'd just drive around with a fucking cracked windshield and complain vending machine for dinner. You would never sit there for three hours. No, I wouldn't. I'd just drive around with a fucking cracked windshield and complain all the time. So that was problem number one. Problem number two. We'll get to the new car after the break. Because problem number two.

Because this is. Well, maybe we start with the new car, because I had this Ford Transit van, bright red. What kind of red is that? It's not fire engine red. It's redder. It's a little, yeah, it's a little more, what would you say? It's cartoonish.

It was a cute little fucking minivan type of thing. The smaller one, not the tall one. Yeah. Yeah. It's a Ford Transit. what would you say it's cartoonish it was a cute little fucking minivan type of thing the smaller one not the tall one yeah yeah it's a ford transit it looks like it like someone would come out from safe flight to replace your your windshield with yeah maybe they'll buy it yeah company so i get two recalls on this thing which you have to drive to sierra vista at least. Mazda, you don't even have a Mazda dealership. That I'd have to take fucking 100 miles to Tucson. So I had two recalls on that for whatever, and I brought that in to get shit taken care of.

And when we pull up, oh, we see another fucking tour van, like the tour van we drive on tour, but ours has, it's lousy with miles. So we go, yeah, maybe we should. It's got two cracks in the windshield to trade in this transit. Oh, yeah. I have, there's a recall on Bingo's car. There's a recall on Bingo's car. There's a recall on that fucking mom car.

Bingo's parents gave me a car in 2016. It's an old Honda CRV. They did not give you the car. You saved their bacon on that. It was about- Well, they were going to do one of those scam things. Oh, trade it in for charity and get a fucking tax break they were just going to get rid of it and give it to charity and i go i'll take it and i'll pay for your flights to go home they were driving it one way basically i'll pay for your flights yeah and you give me the car and it's

258 000 miles on that thing but it runs like a champ and i just bring it to safeway and back and it's filthy and awful uh back when we had dogs it was the dog car because you don't care how muddy they get the fucking thing and no crack in the windshield yeah that's the one that's solid so so the transit had recalls bingo's car has a recall and the fucking honda the mom car with 258,000 miles, they keep getting these recall notices. Dear Douglas, we're contacting you regarding an urgent, when I get loud, that's all caps, an urgent airbag inflator safety recall that affects your 2002 CRV. The airbag inflator safety recall that affects your 2002 CRV. The airbag inflator is defective

and needs to be repaired immediately. Defective airbag inflators can explode, shooting sharp metal fragments at drivers and passengers. This can cause serious injury or death. Dun-dun-dun-dun.

Put some sound effects around that. I'll try. Dun-dun-dun-dun. Put some sound effects around that. I'll try. Dun-dun-dun. Like this? Defective airbags can explode, shooting sharp metal fragments at drivers and passengers. This can cause serious injury or death. So what do they want you to do?

Jump behind the wheel and drive it 35 miles across the desert. It's like if I said to you, hey, it's a stick of dynamite. It's unstable. Put it in your your pocket it doesn't make any sense so i called and i i explained to the nice person again this is all lolly lolly is the dealership l-a-w-l-e-y that you go to in sierra vista so there's lolly hyundai lolly honda lolly chevrolet eight different locations every fucking lolly sierra vista but yeah they're all different uh uh you know maintenance they're all when you go to get service you have to go to whatever different location so you're not dealing with the same people but overall you're dealing with fucking sean lolly nobody beats a lolly deal nobody well yeah they do all the time sean your stupid fucking radio

commercials so when i when i spelled this out for her in no uncertain terms the how this is a flawed this will shoot metal fragments into my eyes and my baby's eyes. If I have a baby in the baby seat, let's say, yeah, it's going to shoot fragments and cause serious injury or death. And I, I should jump behind the wheel of this death trap and come to you.

And then she goes, um, I, I'm going to talk to my service manager and he's good. I'll have him call you back. My phone hasn't rung yet. Sure. It seems like that would be a safe flight situation where they come to you.

Yeah. You know, for something that could possibly kill. Yeah. You send me this fucking horror movie letter. It could take out your eyes. You could be permanently blinded. So, yeah, we have a big beef with Lolly. Are you going to take it in?

For what? We never drive that thing further than Safeway. I know, but the point is, they can't expect you... It is a weird protocol. They inform you of something so dangerous that it could kill you, but then they want you to drive it. So what did I do? Well, I bought another car from fucking lolly i bought a chevrolet from lolly ford because the chevrolet we were looking for they don't have

new ones at the chevrolet so we had to buy a slightly used one from the ford place i've only dealt with them one other time uh because they're also a kia when i had that orange kia i bought that from them and i remember being disappointed with the uh they were uh i felt like i got hosed now i just go in and i don't haggle at all i just look at my watch and i say i don't want to be here i know it used to used to really upset me because I'd, come on, you got to just say, can you give me a break here somewhere or something? And you don't even do that. You just walk in and go, that price right there, I'm willing to pay for it. Yeah, and usually they seem stunned.

Yeah. They don't know how to take a lay down like that. Like, no, I'm just, well, this is, let me talk to my finance manager. You don't have to. I'm going to pay that thing in the window, the rear view. Was this much now? Is this much? They don't know.

Which is weird because. That's a made up number. Yeah. What it said in the car, the orange price tag. When they brought me the thing, it said, okay, well, it was this, and we're going to give it to you for this. Well, that's like the was price is now $3,000 less.

What? Yeah. So it never was. It never was the super high price. Just get me the fuck out of here. Let's just take a break now because I want to get into this.

All right. We'll be right back. BetterHelp.com. Do you ever find yourself feeling sullen and withdrawn, paranoid, crazy, masturbating, thinking your cat can read your mind? Maybe it's time to stop blaming the edibles and it's time for you to go over to BetterHelp.com. BetterHelp Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's

causing the stress in your life. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. This podcast is proudly sponsored by BetterHelp and Stanhope listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. Also, a reminder, another 30 Days in the Hole starts, smoking, drinking down to a bare safety minimum. But edibles are in play this time. Yeah.

As well as mushrooms. I might microdose a bit. That's never a bad thing when you're trying to do something healthy for yourself. Make your mind healthy. Loading up on hallucinogens. Yeah. It's not necessarily good for willpower, but if I don't have cigarettes, I can't smoke cigarettes.

That's the key to quitting smoking or quitting anything. Don't have it. If you don't have heroin, you don't do heroin. You don't have whatever you're addicted to. Food addict? Yeah, just don't have any food whatsoever. Throw away your refrigerator.

Yes. So that's coming up. And yeah, Bingo's also going to do her own 30 days. We live in quarantine, basically, is what we're doing. For 30 days. I'm really going to go for 40, but since you're going to be gone for the last 10, we're announcing it as 30 days in the hole.

I'm still going to try to do the extra 10. Are we as 30 days in the hole i'm still going to try to do it 30 days in the hole though you you had a whole branding idea that you wanted yeah yeah it didn't make sense because you're not going to be here for the whole time yeah i i had the idea that well during the first 30 days i'll figure out how to do the podcast myself yeah and you said really chaley's oh so you're gonna learn how to edit and do i go no i'm just gonna do it fucking old school bill burr style when he did it in his fucking living room and he just recorded for an hour and hit send that's not how he did it but anyway well however you do it i thought well maybe i could learn how to do that well no i don't

want to learn new things when i should have known that when you were like super drunk and high saying that and then got really mad at me. And I'm like, I'm just saying. No, I told you. I'm going to regret ever saying this. And I know it won't happen. But what if? And then you started arguing with me to the point where, listen, I foreshadowed this with the fact that I'll regret ever saying it and now you're getting me to argue that I can do it yeah I wasn't really arguing I was just trying to like play it out

I really should have just I really should have just said oh that sounds like a great idea and then gone on with whatever I was doing yeah yeah because then you would have somehow tried to keep keep roping me into some kind of a discussion but yeah i don't know what i'm doing i just know i have to get rid of this fucking guttural cough that usually uh ebbs and flows uh but now now it's a constant and i you know i had an idea though thinking about that is that what we're going to be doing is traveling towards the first gig in grand rapids and we're taking off early because we're driving out there what we could do is we could do the extra days just right in the morning an hour before we leave that's just keep it simple with

30 days because we could get you in the morning for your morning rant and it would be you'd already probably be up anyway by the time we get going so yeah that's the that's the problem when you when you quit drinking for however brief a period or however much you limit it when i say it like when i quit drinking i will never be drunk i will have a couple of cocktails like we did last time. I don't know if we could find 30 new cocktails that we didn't do the first 30 days. Oh, we could. They won't be any good.

Yeah, there must be. Yeah, there's shit tons of cocktails. Yeah. Someone just texted me a picture of them drinking Blackberry Negronis. Like, oh, that sounds good. Yeah, we could get creative with it and we could do word of the day again. Bingo's going to do her own quarantine over

at the Quiet House where she is going to diet and go back with the personal trainer and do her own 30 days in the hole. And then we thought we'd have conjugal visits with Bingo on our 30-day podcast each time. Or whenever she has something to say, she could pop in with a conjugal visit with Bingo.

She updates us on her 30 days. And God, I wrote that down. Fucking good joke. Yesterday, I weighed in at 138. We'll get to the car in a minute. I weighed in at 138 pounds, which is pretty...

It's not in a healthy way. Is that a lot? No, it's not very much. When I quit smoking in 2008 for a year, I was up to 175. You were at 175? There's still video out there somewhere of me on my first gig back in overalls.

I'm fat as fuck. So yeah. I don't even weigh 175 right now. Who was the what do you weigh? Well, I didn't weigh myself today, but yesterday it was 169. I saw you with a shirt off working hard out here

toiling like the proverbial pool boy and a porno uh i'm all over the map you are i had yeah i don't even know who was it was it like angelina jolie someone like that that was there it was like a food stamps thing where she said, oh, I'm going to eat on whatever. It's like $14 a week that they were trying to make poor people live on. The reality of on assistance. And every time I buy discount meat, I still think of that. It caused an uproar that, oh, you're a fucking hoity-toity rich Hollywood person. It's Common People, the song.

You want to live like Common People? But yeah, you go to discount meat. It's four thin-cut pork chops, 30% off. I'm like, that's four days of dinners for me. First off, that's an abomination. A thin-cut pork chop, it shouldn't even be allowed. But I'm saying, it's $2.60. I'm saying, if I have $14, well, $2.60 is knocked out right there.

I'm not saying I would live off of that for a week. I'm just saying the amount I eat, I could easily. The last thing you probably want to do if you're on a real tight budget, the last thing you want to do is start buying cuts of meat. You want to probably get your staples to try and get some bulk. Point being, I realize I can eat on that little money and be sated. You wouldn't even finish a pork chop, though. Yeah, but the thing is, I can only do that because I spend $8 a day on cigarettes. Yeah.

At least. It doesn't really work out for the poor. Yeah. It leaves. It doesn't really work out for the poor. When Dave Grohl was in a band called Scream, they did a European tour, and they lived on $5 a day,

and that included cigarettes in Europe. Wow. And they were just scrounging. It's like no wonder that bands, when they're on the road, they go into a liquor store and they come out just pockets full of shit. They would just go in and steal everything and then come back out. It's because there's no fucking money. Me and Jeff Brown, when we moved to Vegas when I was 19,

I would get 39-cent spaghetti. 39? Well, no. What it was, five-for-a-dollar ramen noodles. Okay. Chuck out the flavor packet and then get the small can of tomato sauce. Yeah. Was 19 cents.

Okay. Now they're 99 cents. Mm-hmm. And yeah, you mix, just pour the tomato sauce on the ramen noodles. It's 39 cents spaghetti. Why isn't it 39 cents ramen? Well, because you put the tomato sauce on the ramen noodles, and that makes it spaghetti. 19 cents and 20 cents.

There's no spaghetti in your- It's noodles. Well, yeah. Boy, I wasn't selling this on market as spaghetti. That's just what I called it. I wonder why you got spaghetti in there. A spaghetti-type meal. Yes.

And it was very fulfilling. it's making me hungry uh but the fucking prices like i i i understand like okay i'm getting 30 off my discount meat but i don't know that the price is the original price this is just like the car yeah okay it was this now okay well i don't know if i'm still getting ripped off like it was it was the original amount they also have a machine back there that makes the price tax i mean they can really do it give me me that gun. I'll show you a discount. Yeah. By the way, Cesar has three more bottles of that discount Jameson he gave me. And he's like, I still have three bottles if you want.

Whatever it was, I got like a handle of Jameson for like 38 bucks, where it's supposed to be 65. But it's not discounted Jameson. Well, he fucking puts the tag on for me. It's discounted by him. I know, but he's like, I can't sell it. He said something, and I'm like, I don't understand what it means, other than I'm

going to get three more bottles of $38 handles of Jameson. Maybe it was a freebie from the liquor distributor that they gave him five bottles. Hey, there might be glass shards in here, so I can't sell it. You want it?

He has somebody somewhere. He says, yeah, do you know him? He knows who I am. And I'm like, he's like, he can't believe that I know who you are. That's right. You took a picture.

Well, let's take a picture and you can send it to him. Really? That'd be okay. Yeah. So now he's like, when I'm in the liquor department. Nice. Just breaks out his gun. 25% off.

Plus your rewards. It's that easy, man. But that gets me back to the car that I don't argue at all. I call ahead of time going, hey, I'm coming from Bisbee, so I have Ford Transit there for a recall. Go take a look at it and give me a number when I get there for what the trade-in value is. So I don't have to sit there while they, oh, let me go to my finance manager. So I get there.

You can tell the fucking manager rusty. He's very Trumpian. Very military looking. Very no nonsense, but he's already handed me off. Because he said, what are you looking to trade it in on? It shouldn't matter. Yeah.

Because I want the number before I tell you that. I don't want you to fucking massage. Like, why does the trading value go up or down based on what I want to buy? Yeah, I'm not going to a fucking psychic and telling him a lot of fucking front load, a lot of personal details that you can manipulate. So he's already blown me. I told him, I don't know what car.

I just want to know what the trading value is. So he's already assigned me to... Damien's going to help you. I go, okay. What's the number? Well, I haven't gotten it yet. I'm like, come on. I gave you a fucking an hour's heads up at 8 o'clock in the fucking morning. You can do it in five minutes on

Edmunds.com or Kelly Blue Book. I mean, you can get the roundabout, which we've done before when we were selling cars and yeah and the car's already in your shop yeah i don't have to drive it around you don't have to pull it into a bay it's in a bay yeah give me a fucking number which is great because i've sold three cars i had way too many cars so last year i got unloaded two of them and this one because the car market is so fucking...

Basically, I borrowed those cars because I got my money back on all three of those. All three of those cars you bought for goofs. You liked the colors or you thought it would be funny. So, I mean, rewarding bad behavior is what's

happening. Yeah, exactly. But then again, I'm sure I paid that upgrade on the fucking new tour van. So he gives me the number and I say, yeah, that's fine. Listen, I'm going to go. I'm going to go because I don't have a ride back. I can't take two cars back. So I came and I picked you up. They said,

I'll be ready in an hour. So we're there two hours later. It's not fucking ready. The paperwork's not done. I was saying before, usually- You already, you put it down,

you put a deposit down in earnest. I mean, that means you're coming back. I mean, that was- Put five grand on the credit card. It wasn't a thing. It's like,

yeah, I'll be back maybe later. It's like, no, you were up front with them about it. He gave me the back. I mean, that was- Put five grand on the credit card. It wasn't a thing. It's like, yeah, I'll be back maybe later. It's like, no, you were up front with him about it. He gave me the paper. I said, yes, that's fine. So you're just going to pay the balance? I go, yeah. Okay.

You have to test drive it. I go, I've driven one of these. We get the same fucking tour van every time. We just get one with less miles. I go, well, no, he's kind of a stickler. Rusty. It's a stickler. You have to.

We want to make sure you're happy. I go, okay. So I drive out of the east end of the parking lot. I go, and then I drive right back in the west end. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. You want me to stop at this gas station? And I'll put a couple bucks in your tank because he looks down it's on dead empty yeah do you need some help the guy in tucson told us it was a law that you can't sell a car without

some and i think it just might be one of those things like, yeah, sure it is. Yeah, your law. Yeah. I mean, it's a good idea to get behind the wheel for something you buy. Well, that's what I said to him. I said, it's got 9,000 miles on it. What's it going to backfire? I go, seriously, between you and me, I just want to buy this thing and get the fuck out of here. So just when I come back, just have the paperwork, and I just want to buy this thing and get the fuck out of here so just when I come back just have the paperwork

and I'm going to sign it I'm not buying any extra shit you don't have to try to push anything on me extended warranties and you're not haggling it's not like there's any kind of like

back and forth going on don't even explain what the paper is because if you say oh this is where you waive your right to fucking you know whatever I might be joining the Coast Guard I'm just going to sign it I'm not going to read all these If you say, oh, this is where you waive your right to fucking, you know, whatever.

I might be joining the Coast Guard. I'm just going to sign it. I'm not going to read all these. So I'm going to have to take your word for it anyway. So just don't bother with the words. Just point and I'll sign. Point, sign. Point, sign.

And let me. Being in a car dealership like that, being in the office is as disconcerting to me as having to sit in a hospital waiting room it's just it's so uncomfortable for me uh and the guy's gonna be right back and then he's never right back and you're just standing there looking at his shit salesman of the year was damien 2021 i'm like oh You're going to fuck me really good. I think it's all part of the psychology of purchasing and consumerism and stuff. Because when you go in there and you go, I'm paying cash. I have a trade-in.

I want to get the fuck out of here. I should have paid in twos. Yes. But they still are treating you as if you're someone who's going to be haggling for the price or like, I don't want the undercoating. I mean, you're not doing any of that. They should just automatically, like in telemarketing days, that tree that you follow when someone says yes or someone says no. They're rebuttals. The first one should be paying cash, not haggling.

It should go right to the bottom where a person signs check and then you sign 10 pieces of paper with an initial. Yeah, close. It should go right to the bottom. I came in here, pointed to the car, said, I'm going to pay the price you're asking. I already know the car. You don't have to show me the car.

I know what it is. I know how they run. I know it's two years newer than the one that we've been driving. They are like... Well, here's the thing. They're two questions away from you walking out of there and not buying shit. They don't know how close you are to just ditching the whole deal. Yeah.

Which is weird because they really push it with that. But I think it's all part of just the way they run their business. All of them. Yeah, this guy was not, like usually they're like you don't want to, but this guy just went with it. Once I told him, listen, I just want to get the fuck

out of here, I guess maybe the F word showed that I meant business. And I don't want to hang around. I don't want to talk. Like he didn't even give me his card afterwards. Yeah. Get the fuck out.

I still don't even know his last name. And they didn't like the last one I bought. We want to take your picture. Because in the showroom, they show people with their new car smiling. And I said, okay, but I'll only do it if I can do it shirtless. So they took a picture of me with a shirt off, wearing no shirt. You're going to put that in your fucking. Was it 175, Doug, or is it 138, Doug?

No, that was vaguely in shape, Doug. Oh, wow. Because that's when I was staying at that house in Tucson, and I'd been doing some cycling or whatever. Some yoga. I did some yoga. I'm going to do some of that. This 30 days in the hole. Really?

Oh, that's why I got that bicycle refurbished. You're just tired of looking at a bike with two flat tires. I'll ride it downhill to the farmer's market. When I say hill, it's a vague grade. And then I'll walk it back up or just leave it at the Mexican restaurant. Yeah. Chain it to a pole. grade, and then I'll walk it back up or just leave it at the Mexican restaurant. Yeah. Chain it to a pole. I'll just, yeah.

So we get out of there. Chaley drives me down, and we pick up the new van after a while. and he comes out, and he, before he gives me the key, singular, he goes, hang on, I'm going to go put some gas in it for you. He said a little bit of gas. I'll put 10 gallons in it. I have never, I don't think ever bought a car from a dealership where they didn't fill your tank topped up yeah that's how that's how fucking bad gas prices are

and this wasn't a cheap vehicle so to spend that much money and they give you one key yeah I couldn't find a second set I looked I'm gonna put half a tank of gas like why even bother 10 gallons isn't

even half i've never sold a used car without filling up the tank for the new guy you know i do that just as a nice thing my dad taught me that you know oh you mean like if i sold a private my car yeah just i'd fill it up and, I thought I missed a chapter of your life where you sold used cars. I have personal cars. Yeah, it's weird, right? That's weird. And then we go, yeah, I can't put in more than $10. Yes, Lawley Automotive in Sierra Vista, Arizona.

50% off your expectations. One key, half a tank of gas. Good luck to you. So, yeah, they're getting a – when I go in tomorrow, that's why I was supposed to go in today because I have to give them the title. And I said, hey, listen, I'll get you the second set of keys for that. That was before I called them today and said, hey, I have to come in to go to Safe Flight tomorrow. So I'm going to kill two birds with one stone if you can wait an extra day because I got to bring the title to him for the trade in.

Yeah. Yeah, no problem. Was there a second set of keys? No, I looked and it's just the one. So now I'm going to say, oh, I found a second set of keys. I may have found a second set of keys to that Ford Transit, depending on whether you can get me a second set of keys. Yeah, you're doing a hostage swap.

For this fucking outrageously priced vehicle that I just wrote a fucking check for in full. And let's not... I want to ask the, the salesperson, like, all right, since when is this standard that you give a half a tank of gas for a purchase this size? Who's responsible? Is that Sean Lawley himself, or is that Rusty? I think Rusty.

Mega Rusty. But I'm going to go in suited up. Yeah. Every time I buy a house or a car or I'm paying cash, I always do it in my pajamas. I did notice that when you were signing everything. Yeah. Like, wow, he didn't even.

Bingo made me. He still got slippers on. I'm deciding on what to wear. She goes, you always wear pajamas. You have to wear pajamas. I go, yeah, that's what I was thinking. But I think I'm going to go in tomorrow suited up. Next time

you go, you should have one of those little pointy hats, the kerchief hat. And like a pajama hat. The old timey. Oh, yeah, like a sleepy timey. A stocking hat. And the one piece that goes all the way like a night before Christmas.

Yeah, I got that. I own that. The red one. Yeah, I was going to wear that on the movie. I thought it'd be funny if it was always, but then I saw myself in it. As thin as I am, the beer gut never goes away. It's just I have fucking toothpick legs and a fucking sunken fucking old pirate's fucking chest, like a castaway fucking chest.

But then the fucking orb of a belly. When you wear one of those nightgown things, yeah, just all it does is show fucking your pregnancy that you have to continue on with. So yeah, I think I'm going to go and suit it up and cause a ruckus. The problem is, between lolly fucking Honda with the deathmobile that I'm supposed to drive in for a recall

and then her Hyundai, they're all connected. So if I fucking cause a problem, they're going to know who I am every time I need to get it serviced or buy another fucking piece of shit from them. I'm pretty sure the service department knows who you are

because they probably listen to this in the shop. They will because I'm going to tell them about it. The guy's turning wrenches. They can listen to whatever in the shop. They will, because I'm going to tell them about it. The guys turn at wrenches. They can listen to whatever right on their iPod, AirPods and devices. Yeah, I thought if I wanted to suit it up, there's a better likelihood that someone will go, hey, that's fucking Doug Stanhope. So do you want to take in...

I'm fucking any other guy. Do you want to take in all the vehicles tomorrow? We could just caravan? I'm not any other guy. Do you want to take in all the vehicles tomorrow? We could just caravan? I'm not driving the Honda. I'll drive the Honda. I need to get a call back from the Honda. That's true, yeah. Yeah, we could...

Are you sure that's an actual letter from Honda? Yeah, no, it's got their... I fact-checked that with the lady I was talking to. Airbag insurance. American Honda Motor Company. Torrance, California. All checks out. This episode is brought to you by

the World Record Podcast. Go to worldrecordpodcast.com Watch the videos. Join the Patreon. It's therecordpodcast.com. Watch the videos. Join the Patreon. It's the funniest podcast in the world. Check it out. They're trying to get a headstone. Yeah, this is a headstone company.

Are there rules with headstones, sir? The rules are determined by the cemetery the person is buried at. He wants to write something on the headstone. Basically, he wants to write Eat Shit Linda on the tombstone. It, he wants to write, eat shit, Linda, on the tombstone. It says, hydroplaning to heaven. Eat shit, Linda.

I've never, yeah. So go to worldrecordpodcast.com. Watch all the videos. Join the Patreon. Listen to all the episodes. Just do it. Hello, it's me, Hellman. Who's this?

Hellman. Hellman. Who's Hellman? I'm me. I'm Hellman. World Record! Just looking at my notes. But this is a goof we came up.

It's a prank on you, sort of. So probably shouldn't give that away. Yeah. Can I get a little water? Soda water? Yeah. You want a soda water? Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of inflation, should we jack up merch prices on the road, or should we put out a tip jar? Because if you jack up the price, you have to jack it up by five. Otherwise, it becomes an issue of carrying singles. Yeah, tough ones. But the gas that we're going to spend on this tour coming up is fucking outrageous.

This thing gets 19 miles to the gallon according to the drive back from Sierra Vista which is 35 miles. Yeah, we'll see what happens. I mean, it still beats flying. Because we can't do merch if we fly.

Or we can only do merch for the first five shows. Or have it shipped out, which usually turns into more of a pain in the ass. Well, it's actually increased in price as well for shipping. Fucking just the big V8 juice yesterday. I'm like $5.29? That's like $2.99. Shit's doubling in price. And it's bringing out all my hoarder instincts.

If I find a deal at Big Lots, I'm going to buy a thousand of them. I'll be like, bingo. Bingo goes on these weird diets where she's only eating Vienna sausages. And pumpkin. And mayonnaise. Dipped in mayonnaise. Cold canned Vienna sausages. And she'll buy 80 cans and then decide, I don't like that anymore.

Like, all right, where's the fucking charity food drive? like all right where's the fucking charity food drive unload 79 cans of vienna sausages to the poor when i first met tracy her truck had i think you had a case of vienna sausages i wanted in a poker game and it just sat in the car for what kind of broke-ass poker game is that where someone's throwing a Timex watch into the pot and you throw a fucking case of Vienna sausages? A little cash poor right now, but what do you think about this pumpkin pie filling? I think you sold that car with the Vienna sausages. Yes, I did. I left it in there.

Yeah. I want to know what kind of poker game it was a home poker game and someone ante'd was out of cash and ante'd I won

I won the whole event so there were prizes and yeah there were prizes and then one of the prizes was a case of door prize

yeah I thought That was great. We got to do poker again, too. Yes. But not with the bed in here. No, we'll do it on the patio. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

30 days? That's not a good environment. Again, that's the thing. This is quarantine. You guys will sit at that end of the podcast table for the podcast. And other than that, I'm a ghost. I am a fucking, I am a leper. I am contagious.

You can't come in. All right. Until I get to a place where I go, yeah, this is simple. First three days is usually simple and you feel great. Then you go, then after a week,

yeah, okay, fuck this. Then after the second week, you're like, ah, I better fucking get over it. But you got no reason to leave here except to go to the Safeway, right? Right.

Like quarantined. I can drive around, listen to fucking bits, listen to sets. That's the thing about taking the summer off is like now I have bits that are just so timely right now. There's also part of your head that thinks, ah, shit, if I take the summer off, what if the world gets great? And I'm irrelevant and obsolete as a comic. All the material

goes away. So, yeah. Either way, you lose. Like, there's that one bit. It's an abortion bit. I'm like, ah, fuck. Everyone's, this is gonna be like comedy after COVID.

Like everyone's going to have a COVID chunk. Now everyone's going to have fucking abortion shit. But I still think mine's pretty solid. I can't see anyone stepping on my dick with that angle, which is nice that I can rest assured it's safe. But at the same time, it's like the abortionist green t-shirts. This is where I can be selling that shit for top dollar. But I'll come back a healthier, less wheezy, gurgly man.

If it's possible. Last time I did something like this, it wasn't 30 days in the hole, but where I did a home rehab, it was like within four days my cough had gone away. When I have the headphones on during podcasts, I can usually hear the gurgle.

As do the listeners. Someone emailed me or tweeted at me after I did Rogan. Go fucking keep up with the fucking smokes. Oh God,

I have this guy. I really, yeah, I'm going to email him. I get some fucking abortion hate mail from some fucking rando. And

I want to get him on as a guest. What? Yeah, just because his and I want to get him on as a guest. What? Yeah. Just because it was so flawed. Oh, to debate him. Yeah, you people fucking like to piss and moan about all these things while we defend your fucking liberty,

and why don't you just move to another country? There's planes leaving every day. Okay. Well, this is all prefaced with abortion being overturned. Well, it was legal since 1973. Why didn't you leave? Yeah. If it was against your point of view,

and where would I go? You think you can just move there? You think other countries don't have immigration policies in place? And they're just waiting for some American who shares their values to zip over and, no, it doesn't work like that. I just want to break them down, but very subtly, just say, I appreciate your passion.

Will you come on as a guest, discuss some of these things? Because you do raise some valid points. They always fold though. When you reply, they're like, I can't believe you called back. Hey, I thought you were mad at me. That's why I'm engaging you. Well, I mean, there's so many things I want to know from this guy. You're obviously not a fan.

There's one thing. Maybe was it a tweet that I put out? Because I was tweeting when they overturned Roe v. Wade. I tweeted a bunch of over 30 years years, abortion comes up quite often. I was amazed at how many bits involve abortion. If not the focal point being abortion, but abortion is referenced. I couldn't tweet enough of them. I couldn't find them all.

I'm still thinking of stuff. You brought up one yesterday. I'm like, yeah, forget about that. Just move. We did. So, yeah, I would love to get them all. First of all, what set this off? How did you find my email address?

Why are you so angry at me specifically? Obviously, you don't know my history of work because yeah this is not new yeah uh what was the catalyst for you to get a hold of me not once but twice what was the final last straw i can't stand i've got to email this son of a bitch yeah and what what what did you listen to and how much of it did you listen oh yeah yeah like you tell me the the beats of the bit that you disagreed with i don't see if you you listen to and how much of it did you listen to? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me the beats of the bit that you disagreed with. I don't think he listened to anything. He saw one of your tweets and then he just ferreted you out. All right.

I'll email him before this goes out. Zoom or Skype or just a phone call. We can just do an audio call. If he didn't listen to the bit, he's not listening to this entire podcast to hear me mention him at the end. Well, no, you're not tipping him off. There's probably 20 people listening to the podcast right now. It's like, he's talking about me. Yeah, I don't even think my regular email is on the website anymore.

Oh, look, I think we pulled it down for a while just because. It's just a. Yeah. I think it's just the business one. Yeah. And that comes through a server. So I, I would know forwarded. Yeah. It wouldn't show on here anyway.

It would just go. Yeah. This is only a business contact on the website where you go to get updates on tour dates, Doug, stand up.com. There's going to be more added for the second leg of the US in 2022. Hopefully soon, Mr. Hennigan.

Yeah, September 3rd is our last date on the first leg in Hartford and then you take off to the UK and then we start up again October 10th. Yeah, and then we'll be adding more. Get yourself a disease t-shirt. We have three designs.

Parkinson's disease, bladder cancer, and mesothelioma. All in happy fonts and bright colors with exclamation points. Because we're celebrating fucking diseases. And death. points because we're celebrating fucking diseases and death and right now i think parkinson's disease is in the lead it's a top seller once i have a fucking great list in there of once we sell out of this run then we can do more uh and i have a great list of new diseases and fonts and templates. I fucking love these t-shirts. I like the colors. I mean, they're coming out good.

They're groovy. I packed all three of mine for Palm Springs. The trailies and the dingoes are going on vacation to Palm Springs for the 4th of July. 110 degrees by the pool. Get all lizard-y fucking baby oil.

Lather each other up in canola oil and sit out by the pool with one of those zinc oxide on our noses. 110 degrees. Yeah. The reflective

thing under your chin they used to have. Shays Lounge. Travel mugs. I got our vintage Delta travel mugs, bingo. Bringing those. Yeah. I have one

suit in case we go to a nice steakhouse. We are because we're going to go to the steakhouse we went to last time and we'll probably just eat in the bar but it is fucking fine dining and it's right next to where we're staying. Perfect. We love it. Yeah, if you don't know Palm Springs

it's very fucking 1960s still. Very retro. Fits our suits perfectly and I love this. This is some comic when I an open mic, not open mic, House MC in Phoenix when I was a kid, I remember

came through talking about how much he loves the Phoenix heat. I love it. I think in a former life I was a pot pie. It's an adorable joke. But yes, we love it. And we thank you for listening. Tune in next time.

Get on Patreon. Take us out, Bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្� Thank you.