The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep. #497 "Last Drunk Before 30 Days in the Hole"

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Back from vacation and it's the last big drunk before Doug kicks off 30 Days in the Hole. Recorded July 9th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS -Helix Sleep - Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - http://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, big shout out today to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that'll give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the doug stanhope podcast vacation is over and now it's our last worthless evening that we have to spend uh yeah this is our last drunk before 30 days in the hole which will probably be 40 days and 40 nights but 30 days in

the hole is all we can podcast well i mean you'll continue on and you will see until you leave for tour yeah but yeah i'm going back in the hole and i'm gonna i'm gonna right the ship before it wrongs itself. And we wanted to make sure I was properly drunk to do the precursor, which is actually going to be this podcast will not air until I'm like two or three days into 30 days in the hole. Because we do have to do full length podcast for our sponsors. And then every day we're going to do 30 days in the hole. So this won't come out and we'll tell you tomorrow, which you won't hear about this. Oh man,

what are you doing? What? Just the point is you're drunk and you're trying to explain something that doesn't need to be explained. Exactly the point. All right. I need to be explained. Exactly the point. All right. I waited to be drunk enough to do this. So tomorrow morning, when you first hear my first day of 30 days in the hole, you're going to hear me hungover as fuck.

And then you're going to have to wait a few days to see why I was that hungover. We're going to start with thank yous because I'm very bad about this, but we uh, Anne Brie. Thanks, Patrick. Masks by Anne Brie. Hi, Doug. My friend

makes custom horror masks. We're both big fans and thought you or Bingo or Chaley or the Butcher of Black Knob might enjoy them. I'm sorry if they reek of cigarette smoke. They're dry clean only, which means they're dirty. Thanks, Patrick. Facebook masks by Anne Brie at Anne-Brie, B-R-E-E.

They sent us a couple of actually kind of cool horror masks. So Chaley and I, fresh off of vacation in Palm Springs, walk in, open the box from a fan, put on two masks. Hey, let's go fuck with Bingo. She'll never fall for this. She always falls for this. We walk in the door with our masks on. And she went, yeah, it worked. And then when Chaley did it again, second time, not five minutes later, he popped out from behind the bed.

The bed in the funhouse where everyone was at. It's good. It never gets old. Yes. Our old neighbors. Now, Floyd, if you are a proficient of the podcast, a proficient, it's a word.

Fucking note it. Urban. Alright, go word. Fucking noted. Urban. Alright, go on. Yeah, they sent our neighbors that left. Now Floyd's moving into that house. They gave us a bunch of shit. They don't listen to the

podcast, but thank you. They were great neighbors. I was sad that they left, but now I'm very happy that Floyd bought the house. So we have great neighbors. I was sad that they left, but now I'm very happy that Floyd bought the house. So we have good neighbors to that side. Is that what they gave us? Stuffed olives. They're great.

Stuffed olives and a bottle of just olive juice or dirty martini. To kick off 30 days. Well, I'm still going to do two drinks a night. And I don't think I've ever drank a martini ever. No, come on. Really? I have drank back in the Death Valley parties. One time Hinty brought a jug of vodka and olive juice.

No, it was pickle juice. Pickle juice. Whatever. That's the same thing. Big difference. It's not the same. Big difference. Pickle olive.

Not the same. All right. A dirty martini is not the same as a pickle martini. Ah, whatever. You know what? You're right. You've never had a dirty martini. I can tell.

Yeah. I think that was more pickle juice than anything. Also, I remember drinking that. More pickle juice than vodka? Oh, yeah. It was really... It was almost a fraternity hazing. It was a giant jug. A barrel, a glass barrel. Like a half gallon or something. And we passed it around. Back in the days before before we worried about diseases. Or I didn't care. You still don't care.

I don't care. Hey, Doug, here you go. We added a couple of gifts from the restaurant. My wife manages down here. Have a fun summer. Matt and Janice. I don't know what gift came with that, but I've laid all these out. Wait, what else was on the bar?

I don't see anything that's a gift on the bar. I know. I'm terrible at this, Chaley, but I'm going to get better. For 30 days? I am. Tomorrow, I'm going to be a different person. I'm going to be a different person. I'm going to do a home surgery. I didn't want to delay you at Home Depot because Home Depot is almost as horrible to me as going to a doctor's office or waiting in an automotive place to buy a car. It's so boring.

Home Depot is? Yeah, because I don't fucking care. I love shit that you do from Home Depot, but I don't want to be there. I was going to say get an X-Acto knife, because I have to cut this cyst out of my nipple. And I go, I can do that at Ace Hardware by myself, and you're going to be against my home surgery. I don't care.

It's not my nipple. I've always, since I was a child, called a refillable zit. Like one of my pores, hair follicles, whatever ducts in your nipple would always spit out a little bit of orange hard pus. Like waxy? Yeah, waxy. Oh, waxy. I'm still thinking brown hair. No, I think it's something else.

I've heard of that. Yeah. Keep going. Continue to gross me out. Show your nipple. Like, see? That thing. What is that?

That's just every nipple has a bunch of little tiny nipples around the main nipple. When you said show your nipple, you meant to be looking at me, right? Not at Tracy. No. She never shows shit. Tracy has a fucking, like, gorgeous tattoos, like, all over her back that you never see her. She's the opposite of Becky Becker, who is always naked. She's always fully clothed.

And why do you have tattoos? What's the whole point of having fucking tattoos? And they do show in one calendar that I did one time. All right. Chaley never even sees them. I bet. That's not true. Point being, you have little bumps around your nipples. You have the main nipple and little bumps that are like

mini nipples. Wannabe nipples. Show me your fucking nipples. You know what I'm talking about? He's looking at me. Just little bumps around the areola, right? Yeah, but there's little tiny ones. Yeah, but they're not tiny nipples.

They're little bumps. Well, they're not anymore when you see that one. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Put your shirt down. So this one has turned into like a goiter. No. Quit using words in like interchangeably i'm not fucking joe rogan

where people are going he miss he's misrepresenting science no it's a fucking did you hear the new podcast doug has a goiter on his fifth and sixth nipple it's's true. I got a giant thing and then I thought, oh, rather than try to burst this fucking thing, which I've tried a little bit and it doesn't burst, I think I'm going to have to do surgery on that.

Why don't you go to the doctor? We thought that it would happen on vacation. Because I'm trying to make a point that you don't have to go to a doctor if you have an exacto knife and someone with a rudimentary understanding of what a fucking i could do this and this goes back to a bit that i'm already working on an exacto knife and a rudimentary knowledge of medicine that's the the clinic. Just go there. No. A fucking three-minute YouTube video, I guarantee,

will show me how to do this. It goes the whole school thing. I can't wait to get back on the road and do this whole school thing. It's bigger than a pimple. Yeah, no. I'm eight feet from you and I can see that that is something that's... Yeah, but it's not a zit because zits just pop.

Yeah. This is... This is the thing that if you pushed it, it would leak out, but it would leak out like it's waxy. I have a scar right here. Raider Dave, can you see that scar right there on my eyebrow? That was... right here. That was the biggest zit I ever had

back in the days where I was infatuated with a girl that I was gonna fuck. And I'm like, this is gross. And it finally, after like a month, popped and it was a hair follicle.

There were three hairs in one hair when I deconstructed it, and it was just like green pus and fucking three hairs. It left a scar. It was there that long, and that's what this feels like. It's not just going to fucking – it's going to take a while. But because I'm doing 30 days in the hole, I go, that would be a fun day to just

exacto knife my own nipple. The only problem is I would do that drunk and I can't be drunk to do that. But I'll probably still do it. But yeah, exacto knife a cyst out of my own nipple. Now it's a cyst.

It's a goiter. It's a cyst. It's a waxing thing. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. I just know that I could find a YouTube video. Again, another problem. Bingo watches Dr. Pimple Popper.

These are the things that I can't watch on Tosh.0. Like, those are the ones where I go, oh, no, no, I don't want to watch it. I could do it to myself. Anyone? I can watch those all day. I can't watch the barfing ones. Yeah, but you can pop your own zit and be so happy about it. But I don't want to watch anyone else's.

So to watch a YouTube video of someone lancing their own boil, there's another. The bot flies? The bot fly out of the eye. I love those. Yeah, that was that. Our friend down there in Fort Lauderdale goes to Burning Man. Wiener.

Wiener. Yeah, the Wieners. Hey, you should come to Kenya. We go to Kenya and build schools for kids every year. I go, no, I saw one video of a bot fly being pulled out of some man's eyeball. No, I'm never going. Eyelid or eyeball? Eyeball.

It was on the corner of the eyeball, and they pull out this giant bot fly worm. Was he a German tourist? Doesn't matter. I'm not a racist like you. Or was he like someone who lived there who was living in a bad area? Yeah, no, it was a tourist. Yeah, tourist. It was a tourist?

Yeah, as far as I know. It was a tourist like me that would fall for the siren song of a Burning Mad guy, self-made millionaire that said, oh, hey, why don't you come to Kenya and build a school with us? And I go, no, bot flies will get my eye based on a YouTube video. It's fucking science. Yeah. It's a YouTube video. It's fucking science. Yeah. It's a science show. I'm saying your entire life is basing risk versus reward. And I would not be rewarded at all by building a fucking school in Kenya because I can't build shit.

I don't like school. I have nothing to teach them. They're probably not good at comedy because their lives are sad. So what do I have to offer other than go, oh, I can add another bot fly in the eyeball video to the YouTube channels. Oh, shit. Fucking Dave Rader was right. Hey, Bingo, we were waiting for you.

Your mic is hot, but you left. So we're on the air. Hey, is the mic really hot? I was going to go do mushrooms in my house. Yeah, we're on the air. Sorry. Oh, shit. Should I come out? Wait, you're here?

I have ZD in my bag. I love Bingo bag. Oh, you're here? I have ZD in my bag. I love bingo bags. Oh, I can even hear you from outside. Just come in. Bye. Okay. Jesus.

She was supposed to tell us about her 30 days in the hole. She's right there. I know. Yeah, you're supposed to tell us about your 30 days in the hole. Mine? We're talking about botflies and eyeballs and we're completely off track. Botflies, do you know what happens?

Not buttflies. Get on the mic. Okay. This is a struggle. We have to explain that bingos had a bad back. Like a really bad back.

Yeah. When we were doing our thing up. Oh, yeah. I think we talked about this on the last podcast. When we were doing our own road trip up through Wyoming, she had a bad back. I do not think it's all the weight I put on at all. I think it's character. No. Come on. I think it's character. No?

Come on. I think it's my character. You have a fat character. Fat character. Yeah. You went to a chiropractor because just. Yeah. We did 3,000 miles in 12 days.

That's a lot of just sitting and her back hurt and uh especially the crunching weight of her uh you know uh moist no just all the food you're eating i was eating a lot but it was moist foods right You think your bad back is due to moist foods? Yeah, yeah. You're a nutritionist like he's a doctor. My childhood. My mom yelled at me for stealing Bubba gum. Bubba hubba.

Hubba Bubba. Hubba Bubba bubble. Bubbalicious. Banana. Banana Hubba Bubba gum. And I got in big fucking trouble. I think this is a trigger. My back is triggering right now.

Bingo went to a chiropractor in Wyoming. Who about killed me? And they said, oh, this is going to hurt for a few days. That's what they all say. And ever since then, that was a few weeks ago. Many weeks ago. And she has been in agony since then.

So while we were on this trip with the Traleys to Palm Springs, she went to a massage therapist that you love who also said, oh, this is going to hurt really bad tomorrow. Let's also say, let's rewind a bit.

You picked this massage therapist because she was a dyke and you knew she could get tough in there. And she did. She was brilliant. She was so amazing. I didn't say she was a dyke. Oh, you said. No, you inferred that because I said she does sports massage.

Oh, shut up. And she looked like a hard lesbian. I never said dyke. Okay, you said hard lesbian. So I mistook everything as hard. Listen. I never said dyke. Okay, you said hard lesbian, so I missed. That's a fucking. Everything is hard. Listen. This bitch laid in and was so good.

The best massage I've ever had is a local woman whose I would say, in my own opinion, to defer any kind of. If you say in my opinion. Oh, it excuses you? It excuses you from libel. Well, she's definitely a hardcore lesbian. She espouses that. Best fucking massage ever. We used to have her over when we used to do football parties.

And we'd do, like, 15-minute massages so you could cut out from your game if it was fucking halftime and go get a 15 minute massage. Fucking brutal. Absolutely brutal. And happen to be a lesbian. So I don't know if it's my fault for correlating lesbians with fucking great massages, but I don't think anyone's going to accuse me of libel for saying, that's not true.

You know, some dainty ladies can give a good massage too. Well, not knowing her sexual preference or anything else, Shaylee and I dropped off bingo at the place. We saw her. She was extremely athletic looking. She looked like she had played professional volleyball, not beach volleyball, professional volleyball. And we saw her

and we dropped bingo off and we said, that woman's going to beat the fuck out of bingo. In the best way. In the best way. She knew everything. Oh, fuck. She was amazing. Well, what she can't help is the fact that you weigh now 245 that's not true i weigh more than you i don't weigh 242 pounds no i'm sorry i i'm i'm we didn't get on the scale we listened we did do this Raider you have to listen

to Tom Segura's book that's fantastic so good I'd prefer to play with myself or that's not the right title

I keep fucking it up I want to play with myself please I want to play alone please I want to play with myself boo

beyond you and you don't have to tell everybody how much I weigh you asshole no he he was giving shit and i took him literally at first because they bring up they bring up the like it's been an ongoing twitter thing between him and burt kreischer you're fat you're fat and at some point he said

versus burt he's he says in the book that that Bert weighs 345 pounds and I went the weight just kept going up really because you know at some point you can't judge fat like like between neighbor Dave and Ralphie May I yeah they're both giantly fat but I wouldn't know like 300 from 500. Like at a point, you're like, okay, I don't have any idea. And then I go, oh, wait, he is just fucking with Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer doesn't weigh 345 pounds. So when I said you're 245. Okay, you were a jokester. We get it.

You're a comedian, Doug Stanhold. We get it. Point being, yeah, your back is probably affected by your weight. That is probably true. You are doing 30 days in the hole along with me. I know. What are your things that you're going to do? I'm quitting smoking for at least 30 days.

I don't smoke. I'm telling the people what I'm doing. And I'm going to try to exercise at least three parts of my body. Posture, gut, ass. Okay. Are you trying to make an ass?

I feel like you're on the way there. Okay, now you got me off fucking topic again. But if anyone else wrote comics, if you have ass problems, because I have absolutely no ass, almost to the level of Tracy, weren't it? So my ass hurts so bad on airplanes. So my ass hurts so bad on airplanes. That's why I stopped going to movies years ago, because my ass would hurt so bad in those awful seats. I can watch a movie.

There you go. I bought an ass cushion, and I will tweet the brand. It was $54 on Amazon, but my ass didn't hurt at all the entire time that I was driving on this trip. I finally found an ass cushion for a drive. And you changed it around a little bit. No, no. This one has, for your coccyx, it has a cutout. Yeah. Thank you, Dogstown. Like, the entire fucking drive was beautiful.

It had a little hump for your balls or something, too. Yeah, the purple. It did, actually. It did. Yeah, no. That's great. It's fucking great. So what are you going to do?

I'm going to limit my drinking as always. I will never be over the legal limit. I will never drink enough that I couldn't drive. I will have a couple of drinks a night at best to go to bed. And that's it. I can't control all that anyway. And I don't smoke either. So I don't have to give up smoking.

But drinking is going to go all together. It's going to be gone. I'm not going to do two drinks a day. Yeah, you shouldn't. No, I shouldn't. Well, here's your problem, I think, Bingo. What? Is when you go, oh, I'm just going to have two drinks,

you pour them in, like, fucking big gulps. And you go, how did she get drunk in 10 minutes? Wow. I think it's your pour. But, yeah, you should definitely not drink. You think? Yeah. No, I would agree with you completely.

But I'm not going to do any drinking. I didn't smoke anyway, but I'm not going to do any drinking. I didn't smoke anyway, so I'm not going to smoke as well. But I'm going to work out with Sonia, who is my normal trainer, who I haven't been working with for a long time. So I'm going to work with her. If any of the listeners care to look back at Twitter and do a deep dive from March, April, June of 2020, you were ripped. I know. And guess what?

Guess what? I was ripped. I looked good. And I was miserable. So you want to be happy? ask me how to be happy. You haven't been happy fat. You're full of shit. You don't know. When do we really talk now?

Come on. I'm way happier now. What? What? You are a roller coaster of happy. Yeah, but that's all the time. I'm fucking schizoaffective bipolar. Okay, I have a mental problem. So I'm always like that.

I'm trying to do the best that I can do. I love when you're happy eating whatever you want, even if it's everything that I just bought for dinner and fell asleep too soon. The point is, you weren't miserable back then. You were fucking coming over here going, look at me. Or maybe I was. You don't know. You don't know.

Maybe I was somewhat miserable then because it's bipolar. It's up and down all the fucking time. And I stay away from you when I'm down. So what the fuck are you saying? You know anything. No, that's bullshit. I'm saying you were very happy to show off how fucking in shape you are. I would come over and do that.

Yeah, you're right. You're saying that it's about your weight or your eating habits when it's just about your mental state. So you're going to fucking work on getting back in shape. I was asking what your point of 30 days in the hole was. So if you're happy, then why would you do 30 days in the hole? I don't know why I'm doing this right now. Jesus.

So what are your plans for 30 days in the hole? No, what I want to do is to work out with Sonia. I have to do a complete diet change with the keto diet, which is beyond Sonia. I have to do that on my own. So it's diet and exercise is huge. And I have a new therapist who is kicking my ass and fucking so good. So these are the things that I want to do. How did you find this therapist?

Because this is interesting. Well, this isn't a massage service. This is a person you talk to. Bingo, get to a place where she's like, I just need someone to talk to. And you just Googled basically.

No, what happened? And you know, a little bit about it, but what happened was I was to the point of because I have seen enough suicide in my life that that is a plausible thing sometimes when I'm not well when I'm not well but I was very much to the point where that was really what was on my mind so So I knew. And I was over at the other house, my house, and I knew that I needed to get help.

So the only way I could do it was to go through CHA, which I've been with them for 17 years, and it's been dog shit. For the listener, they used to be called CIA until I did that bit and they changed their name. Changed their fucking name. But it's been dog shit. And so I called the one woman who's good to me there and just said, I need some names and numbers because I'm really dangerous to myself right now.

And she gave me a whole slew of shit. And I read up on everyone and the first person that I called was this woman and she said I will be over at your house not me come anywhere because I couldn't have but she was like I'm coming over to your house at 12 I'm going to give you a little bit of paperwork and then I'm coming over at 3 to do a session and that motherfucking session cost me a totally reasonable

amount yet her session I was 4 hours long she gave you the 1 hour price for 4 hours and has done that consistently since fucking amazing for four hours and has done that consistently since. Yeah.

She's fucking amazing. The fact that you're happy with her is all that counts. God knows what she does. My whole relationship, we've been together for 17 years. When have I been happy with someone? Never. This bitch

is so good. I don't know why you call her a bitch. No, I don't mean that. I mean, this butterfly is so good. I don't know why you call her a bitch. No, I don't mean that. I mean, this butterfly is so good. She's a butterfly. Okay, bye-bye now. She's amazing. Yeah, I don't know if you have plans.

I mean, I have a list of the things I want every day. I mean, I have a list of the things I want every day. Drink a gallon of water with liquid IV. Not just because they're a sponsor. It makes drinking water tolerable. I will put edibles in a play when I feel it's appropriate. Oh, I'm doing mushrooms every fucking day of this bullshit. Every day of this bullshit, I will be tripping balls. I'll come over for that.

You come visit me, and believe me, I have enough for the both or all of us. So let me know. I'm tripping balls. Yeah, I'll fuck with micro dosing. I'm macro dosing, if that's a word. If it works for you, because they are different drugs. Yeah. So I'm going to do a gallon of water, smoothie, vegetables, fiber.

I just realized. Yeah. Yeah. Big fiber. Big poops. Like what? What are you going to do for fiber? You can eat broccoli or are you going to take Metamucil?

Actual fiber pills. Yeah. Yeah. We did that the other day. We pooped so much after we just, the last day in Palm Springs. Yeah. Eight pills, fiber pills. And the next day.

I shit my last shit today at home. It was two days of shitting. It was intense. Oh, it's great shitting. But it was. Psyllium husk. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah fucking hey i didn't even know we've done we've had it we spent our whole life doing laxatives together laxatives are different psyllium that's mother yeah violent diarrhea but this is just meaty, pulpy fucking Yeah, it's no fucking getting around. It's the best.

It is the best, but you know what? You can eat good foods for that. I mean, yeah, if you're going to eat vegetables, if that's on your list, then just get a lot of broccoli. What's a couple other? No, smoothie in, smoothie out. I do the fucking vegetables and smoothies because they're gross. Vegetables

are fucking gross. I have him to blame for the amount because you convinced me at that fancy fucking dinner to get my own plate of corn. Well, I reaped the. Benefits. Rewards. Yeah. All of it from that. I blame that on you, Shane.

No, we shared that. Well, I saw how much I had of it later. I am sorry about that. What do we call it at the time? Tracer food. Yeah, tracer food. That's what it was. Damn it.

Yeah, no, that's important is how long a tracer food like corn goes through your system. Like, how plugged up am I without going to the fucking, what do you call that? It's an enema, but it's where you go. Hydrocholine therapy. Oh, yeah. That's how it's called. High colonic. High colonic. I funny. High colonic. High colonic.

I want a low colonic. I don't know what that means, but that's what I... Let's be safe. Oh, he's going to get beer. You could have put those beers in the fridge for him. Do you know, there's someone who might stop by, if that's okay. Steve Drew might come by. Why don't we take a break and talk about this,

and then you can get the ass cushion information. We can come back and do that. That would be fun. Please hold. Yeah, I will. Helix mattress. Helix sleep, people. I could have not timed this any better to do 30 days in the hole, stuck in my house, revisiting quarantine with Helix mattresses in every room.

I can move around. I just got bunk beds. So we got twin bunk beds. Why bunk beds? Because they're cool as shit. And they're even cooler when you get a Helix mattress on top of that motherfucker. Once your ass hits a Helix mattress, nothing else in the world matters. It's just sleep, sleep, and more goddamn sleep. Helix Sleep has a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the

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take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress that'll give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty, and you can get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash stanhope. Move.

Oh, I didn't get that in time. Was that recorded? You got that? Good. I can beef it up a little bit. That was a great fucking belch. And it's not even. It was really okay.

You know what? I'd say that was a fair push. It was crackling. Not good, but fair. No, it wasn't throaty. It was crackling. Okay. What do you have to say?

I have to say this ass cushion, Chaley Gut, it's called Everlasting Comfort. You're still wearing it. That's a motherfucking push, baby. Ow. Okay. That was Tracy. That was Tracy. Of course it was Tracy.

Yeah, the ass cushion. And I don't know how many people are like me that the fucking road is destroying on my ass. Like I'll lean onto one hip if I'm driving long distances and then try to. And I've had other ass cushions that help a little bit. Even the purple. That's that rubber, silicone silicone with a cushion uh yeah it's like a slip cover on it they make mattresses yeah yeah not very good mattresses not uh not helix

branding we drove many hours i never had an ass problem with this i don't know why i should reach out to these companies and go hey listen if i'm gonna fucking give you a fucking free plug audible audible you motherfuckers i want i want to get a hold i want to get a hold of the Audible commercial that got us fired because their ad company sent us such shit copy that I said, this is shit ad copy. Audible is so much more important than this. This garbage you're making me read. And I just want to keep replaying it for free. I'm on Audible. My books are on Audible.

Audible changed my life from an age before Audible existed as a company, and I fucking promote you more than anyone. I fucking tweet good books. Heist was the other one we read we read tom segura's heist i'm reading beast about john bonham from led zeppelin like yes they're fucking important for a road comic as much as an ass cushion is that I'm promoting. Hey, fucking chuck me a bone, cocksucker. Probably not the best way to have a job interview is say, hey, chuck me a bone, cocksucker, because it really is important to me. And that's why I flew off the handle when their ad people

sent me this fucking garbage. You're really closing the barn stall after the horse has left by you already bought the cushion. Why do they need to? I know. I know. I'm going to promote it anyway.

But to be fired by Audible where I have my product available? Oh, they're going to promote us anyway. Yeah, but I'm going to shit on your ad company. Hey, anyone out there listening, figure out who does the ad. Who's the ad man for fucking Audible so I can shit on them and not the company? Because Mr. Audible has no idea that the people that they hired for PR are fucking them. And then I can just fuck with the ad company and we can boycott other people that they do ad representation for.

This is not going in a positive direction, but that's the whole point. Listen, 30 days from now, I'm going to be a different person. Bingo is going to be a thinner person, and you're going to be a what? I'm going to be back in Palm Springs. Palm Springs. Yeah. Why would you go there when it's the hottest place? And yes, I do still get USA Today paper version.

And they still do. Like in the old days, they give you the hottest and coldest places in the country on any given day on the weather page. And Palm Springs, at this time of year, is always the hottest place. Death Valley sometimes. Pretty close, yeah. Havasu. Yeah. Yeah.

112 degrees. Fucking beautiful. Love it. Love Palm Springs. It was a little hot. I'll be honest. Well, it was a little hot, but they stole our pool floats. Yes, they did the first day.

When you're in a pool float in 112 degrees in a pool, We're in a pool float in 112 degrees in a pool, even though the pool is also 94 degrees. It's still gorgeous. But then when we didn't have pool floats, I'm like, let's stay inside. Let's just stay inside. But we did, because I don't like to do things, but there was a great place up the street. Tropic Caliente is where we stayed. Gorgeous hotel.

I'm going to give a caveat. A lot of places that are great places generally now because nobody wants to work, and I don't blame you, sometimes the people that are trying to work there aren't adept at working. At working all together. Yeah, at all. The idea of work. Yeah. They have no idea what the fuck they're doing. They're taking hiring anybody. no idea what the fuck they're doing.

They're taking, hiring anybody and even the anybodies that I'm complaining about, I get it. Thank you for at least trying. But yeah, it's fucked. I mean, we've been working since

August of a year ago. What are you talking about? When we first went back on the road, and everywhere you go on the road, we're hiring absolutely anybody. Every hotel, every restaurant, every bar. Please.

Anybody. Please. And it's still like that. And it was also the explanation of why you waited so long for a glass of water. It's like, I'm sorry just we don't have any staff oh my god when we stopped the last stop on the way back from palm springs we spent one night in gila bend and they had a bar it had four stools and the lady well we said uh yeah can we just get, I asked for, thankfully, I said, a vodka orange rather than a screwdriver. Because if I said screwdriver, she would have had to look it up. And she's like, do I put ice in it? She was that bad.

Tracy's trying to work on a puzzle or something she doesn't know that i'm about to throw her under the bus i'm like because someone ordered there's only like four other people in their construction guys and their orange vests long island ice tea long island ice tea and i see her looking it up on her phone and then pulling out bottles. She doesn't even know they're bottles. She goes, I'm not really a bartender at all. She was the waitress. Couldn't tell.

Yeah. Yeah. And I go, Tracy will help you. And I don't think Tracy was happy with me. You are dear, Tracy, for sure. go tracy will help you and i don't think tracy was happy with me well no i just hear tracy always pre-mixed and then you just added the sweet and sour yeah so i had to look it up because i was like it's like every single one of the alcohols yeah it's a lot what is it's every single one of the alcohols except for whiskey and then add triple sec and then you finish it with sweet and sour and you have to do half shots of everything because otherwise you have a five shot drink yeah so half shots of everything and then finish it with who's

walking into that joint and ordering an along one of those guys get a fucking shot of whiskey as soon as i saw her pouring bear drinks i just ordered a shot of vodka and a and a and a soda water back and she goes what do you mean by back oh man so he said okay just a shot of vodka and a soda water back. And she goes, what do you mean by back? Oh, man. So he said, okay, just a shot of vodka and a glass of soda water, which I got a glass of tonic water. I already saw her struggling to do their dreams.

It was awful, but it was more awful for her and Tracy and even Bingo. Bingo was definitely helping. Yeah, do the bottom part. See that jigger?

You have a thing called a, yeah, it's a jigger. It's like if you use the other side. But I had to look at Tracy. Every single thing I said I looked at Tracy first. So I was like, is that a jigger? I thought it might have been a something I shouldn't say. God! Okay. but it was right like

do the half jigger of every one of the alcohols yeah and then do sweet and sour and she's like it doesn't look like it's very big i'm like well you're gonna put it in a bunch of ice should i put ice when i ordered a screwdriver or a vodka orange. You want to eat? I put ice and she put like four cubes, like small cubes in a giant. Yeah. And it was like Sunny Delight too. It was not orange juice, Trace. I thought it was Tang.

You thought it was Sunny Delight. I think we should roast your bowl over it. What did you get? Like a vodka soda? Oh, you got a vodka diet. That's right. It was. Vodka diet, Coke.

And they were served in, their two drinks were served in those plastic stemless wine glasses. They weren't served in cocktail glasses at all. They were in wine glasses. Bless her heart. Bless her heart. Bless her heart. So she showed up to work. Yeah. That's a win.

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Mention Kenny Vermeer and get 10% discount. This advertisement has been approved. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. And where we stayed in Palm Springs, they had a place that, again, they hired whoever they could hire. So I said, yeah, the Sancho's was attached to the Tropic Caliente. Restaurant.

And I go, so when is that open? And he said, breakfast and lunch, 9 to 2 or whatever. And then when I went back out, I saw their signs on both of their windows was 11 to 10 p.m. And on weekends. And then weekends is different. 8 to 10 p.m. But I saw all the chairs were up. And this is midday check-in.

Like, any day, this should be open. So I didn't say anything. And that's the guy that said, oh, your room will be. I go, room's ready? He's like, well, it's before check-in. Which, 3 p.m. was check-in. And this was like 3.15. which 3 p.m was checking and this was like 3 15 and he said like and and he walkie-talkie housekeeping she goes like 10 minutes and he told me after i heard this audibly yeah 20 to 25 minutes

so we go to the bar he was right to do that yeah it was an hour and 10 minutes later and at this point we're standing in the lobby arms crossed staring at him and other people that had come in after us are coming back oh your room's ready i'm like how about our room he goes oh let me check on it all right this is really loud i did not announce that on me you tell the story motherfucker yeah what do i what do all ladies who come in well after us came in and said oh you said ten minutes he goes yeah it's ready and i was just like fuming but trying not to be a dick because we're on vacation and bingo tore a fart that was

she tore time and space with that one just like I explained your burp it was a tear it was a rip just a shredding fart and everyone kept a straight face except It was a rip, just a shredding fart. And everyone kept a straight face. I ran out.

I said it on the newspaper. I just totally brought it up. Yeah, you did. You did. And you were sitting by, Shailene. But I just was so astonished by the noise. But I mean, it was museum quiet. She scared herself out of the building.

I mean, I'm exiting myself. The guy that was checking in at the time walked out without his room key. Oh, Lord. So since there was no breakfast,

because that place was was of Sancho's There's no breakfast because that place was, was, uh, Oh, Sanchez, like, like two different people. That guy said nine to two the next morning I went and she said,

well, it's open, but they're closed because everyone has COVID. So it's closed. Yeah. So I, uh, talk to Chaley.

Chaley says, oh, down the road two blocks is Ace. The King's Highway. Ace Hotel has a diner. The Amigo Room. So we went there for breakfast. It was very hipstery. it was very uh hipstery uh but we saw when we walked in uh signs that would normally be outside like sandwich board signs one of them said open mic 7 p.m and you asked what night is open mic tonight so and i said i said is it like uh music or poetry And the guy's like, no, it's like, yeah, it's all that and comedy too.

I'm like, oh, there we go. All right. And he was hosting. Yeah. And I held out for that. I'd never go out. I'd sit in my room or I'd sit by the pool. But I go, we should definitely do open mic.

Oh, God. It was so. We went to open mic. You were face yeah yeah yeah yeah and and then there was some music and then comedy and more comedy and it seemed like comedy was definitely overstaying their welcome i mean well like between acts comedy, like like there was a music act and then comedy. And then there was another. Yeah, but I remember comedy comics saying, yeah, there's more comics and music here. And it was all great.

I fucking loved it. And I just tried not to be part of it until you were a part of it. I tried to leave. were a part of it i i tried to leave you were pulling the car around and then someone recognized me from the comedy scene of the open mic and then he walked right through a whole pack of the open micers and someone recognized you yeah because you were pulling the car around yeah i went out the back and he goes i'm i'm gonna have to drop your name or something like that. I go, all right, I'll go up. And I ripped some bit, which only this is the problem with bingo.

Oh, no. What did I do? No, it's the problem with Chaley and Tracy went to bring the car around when I went on stage and I tried to riff a bit about how I hate music. Was I trying to help you? I can't remember. No, no. The point is you told me I was great. And I had no Chaley or Tracy fact check.

I hadn't seen it and I know that's not what happened. Bingo will tell me I'm great all the time when I was a miserable failure. She was right. You were fine. Aren't I the woman you want in life? Yes. You're great, honey. But also I

want someone with the car running so if I wasn't great, I don't hang around to try to get accolades you did say that you got recognized and you wanted to leave so that's when shaley went got the car he got right away but is what shaley that's so funny you were heckling from the back and then that's why i'm like maybe we should just leave. You were yelling shit out. Not like bad to the comics,

but you'd be like, more comedy! You're like inappropriately yelling. Poetry! It turns out that the poet was really good. But as soon as somebody said poetry, we were like,

we knew there was going to be poetry. And he just goes, poetry. More poetry. Yeah. I'm sure they got their monies worth. Definitely. The crowd really liked it. Yeah. We dropped some deuces. We're going to be

dropping deuces. I still have all those fucking lots and two dollar bills uh the the only time i remember like oh someone really appreciates is danny's car wash have you used the mobile car wash here danny's yeah fucking fantastic everything and he has two kids probably like 13 years old-ish and so we got them to

they're a mobile car wash here in town they come to your house and so I paid the guy and then I tipped his two fucking kids I gave them 10 bucks each in two dollar bills.

And they were looking at them like they were fucking thousand dollar bills that they'd never seen before. But Tracy tipped in deuces after she deuced. What are you talking about? This is my point of bringing up.

This is my fault. What happened? Here we go. I remember this. On the way to Palm Springs, we stopped in Yuma, our favorite hotel. Let's give them a plug. The Coronado. Yeah.

It's right beside a fucking great bar. But Tracy destroyed a toilet. I wouldn't say destroyed. I just was cautious about trying to flush it one more time. Oh, let's... There was nothing still objectionable looking in the bowl, but I was not going to try to flush it one more time.

But she came straight for money. I came all the way for money. Yep. She destroyed the toilet. Destroyed the toilet. We were traveling. I came all the way for money. Yep. She destroyed the toilet. We were traveling. I was dehydrated. Is that what it was? That's what it was.

I was dehydrated. You were drinking a lot, bitch. Couldn't be that the plumbing there was fucking 80 years old? It was terrible. It was the plumbing's fault. Steve Drew is here. He just walked in. As we close this out, your wife is the one that's going to give me some structure

on how I can exercise for 30 days in the hole. That's tomorrow. Yeah. And we want to also plug the grand because you do have the best breakfast in town. We love it. Especially for me. Sensible breakfast.

Well-pressed. Fucking tiny pancakes, small portions. That's what you love. Yes. I'm like, why don't we fucking eat here all the time? Oh, because I can cook better than this on my own. But if I don't want to cook...

He really is working towards a compliment here, Steve. He really is. He does enjoy the breakfast at the Grand. We love the breakfast at the Grand. I think everyone here would admit they can cook a better breakfast based on your own taste.

He's doubling down. Here we go. Can you not cook a better fucking meal than any restaurant? That's not what we're talking about. We're saying if you want a good sensible breakfast, silver dollar pancakes, you don't go away like rolling out of there. 75 cents for a pancake. Exactly.

Reasonable. It's very good. Coffee. You don't have to wait. I'm just going to keep talking because Doug's going to keep digging. Morning's Cafe. There we go. Morning's Cafe is my local place and where I'm

known but I go listen I want a tiny pancake and they won't do it I'm like please if I say could I get one piece of toast they have to give you two like it's fucking Noah's Ark no I hate wasting

food you know those famous Noah's Ark. No, I hate wasting food. You know, those famous Noah's Ark breakfasts. Tiny fucking pancakes. That's ridiculous. Yeah. Give me what the fuck I asked for. Yeah. You're giving me too much food that you're going to throw

away. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. I hate waste. Your fucking breakfast is fantastic. There we go. There it is. Fantastic. Go to the Waffle House. Awful House.

That is correct. I call it the Waffle House. He calls it the Awful House. That is correct. I call it the Waffle House. He calls it the Awful House. Tomorrow, we start 30 days in the hole, which is going to be 40 days and 40 nights, but we won't be able to get the last 10 days in because we're going on the road and the Chaley's had to leave 10 days early

to meet us in Grand Rapids Michigan I thought you were going to correct the town Grand Rapids yeah then we do that

through Hartford Connecticut and then finally please Then we do that through Hartford, Connecticut. And then finally, please, if you've listened thus far, remind people when we start tweeting the UK dates, remind people, just retweet. I need the retweets because these dates have been pushed for two years and i know my audience are drunks and they will forget that they already have tickets from two years ago so please retweet all the uk dates and when i say uk i know ireland's not part of it or Wales. I don't know. Yeah. Anything that's not in this country, please retweet because those dates have been pushed for so long.

That kicks off September 11th in Dublin, Ireland. Oh, 9-11. And Michigan, upstate New York, all that. Lindy's birthday. Michigan, upstate New York, all that. Amy's birthday, Lindy's birthday. The second leg of North America starts September 3rd in Hartford. And that'll go through the end of October, October 28th in Atlanta. It's all on DougStanhope.com slash tour. And tomorrow, which you're going to hear this later,

but tomorrow we start 30 Days in the Hole. And we're going to start with, I don't want to say their names. Our friends have made vodka, weed-infused vodka. Oh, yeah. So since I'm only doing a couple drinks a day and edibles. You want to combine those? Yeah, we're going to do weed infused vodka. Probably not tomorrow right away because tomorrow I have to hook up with Steve Drew from the Grand in Bisbee.

Best day drinking bar in Bisbee. We have to fucking put that on the website. I've always wanted... Doug Stanhope's Bisbee. No one goes to your fucking website anyway, but here... Yeah, they do, especially when you talk about it.

DougStanhope.com. Like what you're talking about right now. Yeah, we do tell them to go check out dates and then get on the mailing list. So, I mean, it wouldn't be. And a sore. Yeah. That's the best day drinking bar in Bisbee. So, what you're saying right now.

Instead of ending the podcast, you are talking. We're basically having a production meeting for your website. You want to add a page of your suggestions in Bisbee. Yeah, but I already realized that there's no reason to send someone to my website other than dates. Oh, we do have a merch page that, you know, I should put it on social media. I got to fucking figure out how to do Instagram. I have to do everything. I'm tired of you guys just demeaning

me. This is terrible. Okay, let's stop. Where do they get those disease t-shirts, Doug? The disease t-shirts that we're both wearing. No one has ever brought them up. I realized

several nights because we don't change clothes. Bingo and I are filthy human beings and we don't change clothes. Yeah. We're wearing bladder cancer and Parkinson's disease. Your own gorgeous colors. We wear every day. Yeah.

I don't know what people think. Oh, maybe they're trying to raise awareness. Exactly. They don't know what people think. Maybe they're trying to raise awareness. Exactly. They are raise awareness t-shirts. That's what you should get them. You need a ribbon color. But they're fucking. Brown.

They're the most comfortable. Of all the t-shirts we put out, which are stiff. That's not a good ad for our other merch. All of our merch have changed to the softer version. Just so everybody knows. Oh, really? It's a a good ad for our other merch. All of our merch have changed to the softer version. Yeah. Just so everybody knows. Oh, really? It's the soft style.

Just let Tracy talk. Literally called soft style. And all of our t-shirts are soft style. I want to say. Thank you. Greg Chaley was really. There we go. Like, we forget that Greg Chaley hasn't drank since October of last year, and he wasn't a dick at all.

Not once. No, he wasn't hard to be around, which I don't know now that I'm going to be sober for a month. If you can promise the same thing. I don't know if he's going to hold up. But at least you and I are doing this four blocks away from each other the whole time. Oh yeah, no, we're going to try to move your house even further away.

I would love that! The construction guys will come over tomorrow and lift it up on blocks. Now that we see how Greg Chaley is great at construction work. He can level a floor. He can't pick up my house.

Oh, no. He can move your house. No, that's bullshit. He can level a floor with levels of concrete. I don't want you swearing on my podcast. Children, listen to this. This is bullshit. Bullshimmies.

Bullshimmies. All right. Hey, thank you for listening i'm sorry you're gonna hear the uh hangover part tomorrow and the next day but i think i'm gonna be a better person i feel like i'm gonna be a better person just kidding chaley's probably still going to be a dick. I was waiting for that shoe to drop. Different from what you just said. See? But I'm going to feel bad about that tomorrow. And then I'm going to carry that into 30 days

or 40 days of recompense. Is that the right word? Recompense what? Shut your fucking mother. I'll beat your fat ass. Okay, that's tomorrow, you motherfucker.

Fat ass. Come on, let's wrap this up. We're trying to afford some all out brawl. You either say, okay, bye-bye now, or I'm going to tell you that you're a

bloatation of humanity. I am a bloatation of humanity. Okay, bye-bye now. Okay, 1, 2, 72. You're a fucking asshole. And okay, bye-bye now. Fucking asshole. Doodle-oo, Doodle-oo. Bye. Bye. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.