The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep. #500 "On The Road Report"

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

[Note from Chaille - Audio is a bit rough as we are recording on the road. You have been warned.] A quick recap of the last 8 days on the road with Doug Stanhope and Junior Stopka. Recorded at Comedy @ the Carlson in Rochester, NY. Recorded Aug. 30th, 2022 on the road in Rochester, NY with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Junior Stopka (@juniorstopka), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Helix Sleep - Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey Helix, how long have you had your mattress? How has your sleep improved? Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses including a collection of luxury models, a mattress for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash stanhope. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. We're in the back room of a back room of a place in a warehouse in Rochester, New York. Another run of the Unremarkable Town Tour that we did in 2019. We didn't call it that. Anyway, Junior Stocker's here along with Jaylee and Tracy. And Junior and I, we'll get to tour updates in a bit, but we were just talking about we were just telling an old how do you make a dead baby float? Root beer, ice cream, and two scoops of dead

baby. And we were talking about, like, what era you came up, what were the jokes when you came up with these dead baby jokes. First ones I remember being seriously into any dead baby joke. A new one would pop up, and you're all over it. Yeah, we were pretty lucky. Early 90s

had the serial killers, so we had and also the Michael Jackson... Michael Jackson's fucking kids at Kmart or something like that. Because he wanted 50% off. The Dahmer jokes, he said? There was some Dahmer jokes, too. I was doing comedy when Dahmer was caught. It was the early 90s.

He has a house MC. Remember the Dahmer story breaking. That's like 91 or something? 92? We're talking about like grammar school at the lunch table, right? Type of jokes. Yeah. Practical jokes.

Yeah, that was all Jeffrey Dahmer, Michael Jackson. Ethiopians, they were starving to death, which is still kind of funny. Yeah. Holock jokes. Like, we are the world, or... Yeah. Africa. Africa. What was the African one?

Armageddon. Live Aid. Live Aid. Save Africa? That was a... I don't know what it was called, but they made an album with Michael Jackson. but they made an album with Michael Jackson. Yeah, I remember when Polish jokes started getting rehashed as Iranian jokes when Iran was the enemy.

Oh, yeah. Harder. Polish jokes are the best jokes. You can still say them, too. And then dumb blonde jokes when those came out. These are just old Polish jokes. Rehashed. Yeah. We hashed. Exactly.

Anyway, let's get back to the tour here. This is just so awkward. It just feels fucking stale in here. What is the alternative, though? I know. The hotel room? Laying next to each other on a bed because the desk faces the wall with one chair.

I didn't see that though. The abandoned room is pretty fun too. Go in there. No lights. Very echoey. I just had a nice wet belch in there and it shook the foundation which is not hard to shake at this price. I just had a nice wet belch in there, and it shook the foundation,

which is not hard to shake in this place. We're here early enough that there's not, like, background music or really people loading in and stuff. Yeah, we opened this room. We were the opening show in, what, 2017? 2017. And I don't think they even had their liquor license quite settled yet, so it's kind of wink-wink, on the nod, a nod and a wink.

And now, I did their illegal grand opening, but now I still have to go out to the abandoned warehouse to smoke cigarettes. I say, really? Smoke a cigarette? Well, you're not on the back dock. Yeah. So it's been an upgrade.

Although those windows, I thought, man, that's a clean window for a place under construction. There's no window. It's just a big square out to the back dock. And it's leaking. It's been pouring rain today. And it's leaking. It's been pouring rain today. And it's leaking. And you hear every drip like a radio classic. Sound effects.

Yeah. Fully. Boom. Boom. Boop. Boop. So this is like day 10 or, I don't know, day 11. We have three more shows after this.

Four more. Four more after this. So far, I got a lot of fun. We started in Grand Rapids. I don't have... Oh, no, I'm just... Just any good road stories. A lot of tears emily at the merch booth i don't

know if that was fort wayne or that was um that was uh toledo toledo fort wayne was when we got that waitress to go up after the show in the back room and have all the... The lane is the Summit City Comic Club which is fucking... 180 degrees from what it was the last time we were there. It was just hanging onto it.

Clawing it, trying to stay open. So they brought it in and I think that's the company that we've got. There's a bunch of... They've got a chain of different ones across the country. This one's called Summit City. The staff is amazing.

You had a gal who wanted to go. I was out in the car because I thought we were leaving. And then the next thing I know, you call me, come back in, and there's a gal standing up on a bench doing her set or something. I knew you had something. I think she was going up

on open mic the next night. She wanted to. So we had her do her set in front of the staff. Use the glass as a microphone. Ladies and gentlemen, you may have seen her. Celeste. But no, the girl that came up to the merch booth Emily in Toledo

after the show. Yeah, she just looked at me and stared for a minute and then started to tremble mildly and then she just started to cry. I hugged her. So we just got that words. For us to watch the show

if we're not in the showroom, we couldn't really get in there. And then you're not going to sit in the showroom. It's distracting. So you had to go back to the green room, which you can't hear anything. It's fucked up. But I could stand in that little hallway, which where everyone would go to the bathroom,

the wait staff coming in and out. It was just not a place to watch a show. But I was standing there just to hear that everything was working, and Emily walked out. I go, there's the first walkout. That's what I thought. She does not look anything like someone who would even, not go to your show, but not even listen to your comedy. who would even, not go to your show, but not even listen to your comedy.

And then when I saw her at the merch booth, she's like trembling. And then her girlfriend was like, yeah, I'm going to have to do some pictures. I was like, you're going to have to hold her up. Yeah, it was amazing. It made my night. It made my tour. The more she cried, you laughed, which made her cry harder. Yeah, I do that with Bingo, too. Every time Bingo cries, it's so funny.

I remember Bingo and I were first on the road. We first got together. I'm driving somewhere, and she's down. She's got her feet up on the on the dashboard like she does. She always leaves footprints on the inside of the fucking windshield. And she's got

an issue with her huge big toes. She's very sensitive about it and I go, while we're there, did you want to get a toe reduction? And I go, she said something. And I go, while we're there, did you want to get a toe reduction? And she goes, I don't know.

This is a starting ball. I don't know. And ever since then, every time she fucking cries. I like that she thought it was a valid option. That was, yeah, she didn't know if she could afford it.

She didn't know if they offered afford it. She didn't know if they offered it in Arizona. Medicare covered it. There was a place that she left a banana in the garage. We drove all over to Disney to put the banana on the door.

It was like splitting and seeping. Inside the car, maybe. Yeah, because we flew home And they were driving the van back Detroit was Detroit was the first time I had ever been high on stage Well, not the first time

But the first, you know, as a headliner Since I've been Fucking with edibles Another new club That's comedy right in Detroit. Yeah, it's the first time we've played Detroit. It's always a suburb.

It's always Hamtramck or Mount Clemens or Ferndale. This is fucking downtown Detroit. When I went outside that hotel to smoke, my back was against the wall. I was afraid to leave the eighth floor. But, yeah, just a few blocks away.

It's kind of gentrified-y a little bit. Well, it's right next to the stadium. Yeah. So it's just by a prompter. Yeah, when we looked at our hotel window, and it's a nice hotel. I forget. It's a Western. Yeah.

But looking down on the little town square there, there's a homeless woman, big homeless woman, just decided to sprawl out on like a giant concrete bench, or not a bench, it was like a concrete bench. There was a statue in the middle, and it was like a circle, so she looked like a sundial kind of. You can tell what time it is and crazy o'clock. There was no difference in the way that she looked

laying there than if I would have hit her on the head with something and knocked her out. If you were the shooter in Austin, Texas and went up in the tower and shot people and Charles Whitman? Yeah, Charles Whitman.

She looked like she had just been shot from a sniper fire. Just completely sprawled out. And then two cops came to do a welfare check. Two female cops. She didn't seem to be interested in getting up. No, she sat up for a minute. Yeah, I looked around like, what time is it?

Wake me up later. It was on concrete, by the way. Sleeping on concrete. As I said, she kind of, you know, she makes her own pillow wherever she goes. But then we went to the comedy club, and they have recreational weed there. I go, all right, I'm not sure someone has edible in the audience. So I asked, and some girl gave me a 10 milligram right at the beginning of the show. I thought, when you floated that, like, I think I'm going to do that.

You know, and like, oh, we're just talking before the show. And you went right out, like, off the bat. I thought you were going to wait till, you know, I didn't want to forget. Yeah, well, mission accomplished. Plus, I didn't want to forget. Yeah, yeah. Well, mission accomplished. Plus, I didn't know what to open with, so I thought, all right, I'll open with that.

Get me high. And just as I get home or anywhere else, in 45 minutes of taking an edible, I start realizing why I feel weird, and then I go, oh, fuck, I took an edible. And so the set was going on and at some point, maybe three quarters of the way through,

she said, hey, how's that edible working for you? And I go, oh fuck, that's why. That's why. I realized, looking back, I was, everything, every reason I drink to avoid weed height, like, all the distractions, like, now I'm getting worried, okay, that woman keeps looking at her watch, and do they want to go, like, if I wasn't drinking, I would just be a bundle of fucking rattling head, you know, naked. You're hyper-aware of everything

you see. And that room is gorgeous, but I saw it with the house lights on. I didn't know how dark it was going to be, so I could only see the front row, and it's tiered up with the booth, so I can't see anything, and then you're like, are people leaving, or are they

laughing? And then once she said, how's that edible? I'm like, oh, that's not, what I'm doing is overthinking everything. It made me fucking sober, basically. But once she said that, then I was having fun again. Yeah, now it makes sense. It's the same thing as

dosing someone's drink. They probably wouldn't have had a bad trip if they knew they were about to trip and were prepared for it. But I forgot I was tripping. About 38 to 45 into your set, you'll call for to change it up, and you'll want a whiskey coke. And it was, like, well past the 45. And I'm like, Tracy, he's he doesn't remember.

And then that's when she said something I think it was like 52 or something that like you were well past it. And you're like, oh shit, hey, Shaylee, yeah. Let me get the drink. Because we were ready for it back there, but the time kept going and looked, and your drink was completely dry. Which is that's the clue for you usually.

Oh yeah. I'm like, no ice or something. I'm like, oh shit, you forgot it. I'm not racing for a cocktail all the time. I'm high. Forget that I went out to get a cocktail and I'm standing there looking at my shoes.

So yeah, I don't know how well that show went, actually. And I'm not going to listen to the recording. But I really really want to fucking start getting high uh go on stage? yeah if I do it like that or if I have my own edible and take it should we be a 5 out of 10?

yeah I mean I wasn't ridiculously high I just forgot you did be an ender a bit things, and you didn't have... But I still think we're in that point in the tour where you still are kind of working your way down the road. But you did go a long way. I'm working two roads, because after taking the summer off, I'm

relearning shit or working on new shit that... And also, a week from now, I have to have a fucking uk set so in my head i'm going okay this bit now i switch this bit from here to here and it well it doesn't matter now because this whole bit isn't going to work in the uk so i should maybe i should be working on this bit but now i've already done that last time i was here when i was pre-COVID. That was a new bit then, and now it's but I've already burned it, basically,

by starting it. And that's all fucking playing. In your head, you're doing those things where the show has three-by-five index cards, and they're going, we'll put this here, and they're going, oh, no, we need to put the donkey show up front, and then we do this. You're doing that live

while you're on stage. Yeah, and then being hyper aware of that when I'm live. This would go better here with that. And then... Just because it went well enough that

I think if I did it again, I might tomorrow night because our girl, Charlene, from Syracuse, said, hey, I'm going to come see you guys. You want anything?

You want any edibles? And I went, no, but I think when she calls, I might go, you know what? Maybe. We'll see. It's weird that we would be in need of edibles after what happened in the mid-1990s. Oh, Jesus. Medusa.

Medusa Farms. P-H-A-R-M-S. Yes, we get to Grand Rapids, and they produced a gift tray of edibles. Like a basket. Yeah. If I can see that time, I'll know when to break. We got five minutes. Okay.

Yeah, and presented it, and there was just everything. There was chocolate-covered gummy bears, all labeled with the milligrams. And you're doing basic math. They had two tinctures, two bottles of tincture that were both labeled 1,000 milligrams. There had to be at least 10,000, 12,000 milligrams of edibles that we couldn't take with us. of edibles that we couldn't take with us. Because the next day we had to go to Indiana,

the worst state in the country. Which they love. Yeah, I'm not bringing edibles. And they just kept saying, just say it's CBD. Just say it's CBD. We already have fucking temporary tags on the new van.

We're already, you know, had Chaley with his yellow hair. Yeah, plus you never get pulled over in Indiana. Exactly. Well, they're saying as though we'll obviously are going to get pulled over. Yeah, just tell them it's CBD. This is what you do.

It's Rick and Mary from Medusa Farms, P-H-A-R-M. Yeah, so the staff at Grand Rapids will be high for a while because we had to re-gift that post-haste, but we absolutely appreciate the gesture. I should have at least taken one, but that was the first night of the tour, and I didn't want to be, like, staggering the next day

from putting all this shit together. I did like an hour 45 that night. It was the first night just seeing what's going where and what still works. It's amazing how quickly any given topic can feel fucking dead in a week.

Or just something in the world happens that immediately makes anything before that seem a little bit more irrelevant. But Junior's been cranking out new stuff. This is the most fruitful I've seen Junior ever on a tour. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I'm just saying. People like newer murder jokes.

Yeah, this has been good. I haven't seen you. If you do a new Hour 45, I feel like shit. So I got to do a stoppage. You stretched your legs at night. 29 minutes on a 20-minute set. It was great. I've been doing good, though.

All right, let's break now because I want to try to remember Some of the Local opener's names Because we had some really funny people Locals That go up and do Five to seven in front of Junior We'll talk about when we come back Hang on, we'll be right back

Please hold Hey, Helix Sleep Hang on. We'll be right back. Please hold. Hey, Helix Sleep. We have built the Helix Castle. It used to be called the Guest House. We redid it and remodeled it, and I wanted bunk beds in it because I like bunk beds. And I wanted Helix mattresses, and I wanted two. And now it's no longer a guest house because I don't want anyone sleeping on my Helix mattresses. Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses including a collection of luxury models,

mattress for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you and your body? Take the Helix Sleep Quiz and find out the perfect mattress in under two minutes and your personalized mattress is shipped straight to your door free of charge. Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer you a 100-night risk-free trial. Try out your new Helix mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you're welcome to return for a full refund. Everybody's unique and everybody sleeps differently. That's why Helix mattress has several different mattress models to choose from,

each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. Models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions, plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. And if your spine needs a little extra TLC like Junior's does, they got you. every helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top it's the perfect combination of comfort and support in the helix castle previously known as the guest house we had basically a comedy condo mattress that was stained and needed to be flipped over here and again depending on the guests.

And now, no one's allowed in there. I took the Helix Sleep Quiz and I was matched with the Sunset Mattress because I wanted something that's soft and I move around a lot all night, like a wiggly baby when I sleep. Not only is Helix the best mattress I've slept on, but the setup was fast and easy. Helix mattresses are delivered in a box straight to your door for free, and then Chaley lifts it, puts it together for me. Plus, Helix mattresses are American-made and come with a 10 or 15-year warranty depending on your model. And remember,

you get to try it out for free 100 nights risk-free. If you don't love it, I know you will, but if you don't, they'll pick it up and give you a full refund don't take my word for it helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by gq and wired magazine it's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep helix is offering up to 200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners go to helixsleep.com slash stanhope with Helix. Better sleep starts now. Oh, yeah, the tears. The other one was last night.

There was a guy that came up to the merch booth. Jack. And Jack, he had gotten one of those posters that was not sanctioned by us. It's the Barack Obama hope, but it's my head and Stan hope. And I immediately gave him shit. Evidently, he told him. Oh, yeah, he's going to give you shit if you want him to sign that.

I go, yeah, just get one of our posters. That's awful. That's so hackneyed. He's like, would you sign it anyway? If it had meaning to me? And he started to lip quiver

and war hugs. And we went to that bar and there was this very homeless... Everywhere we went was really fucking homeless-y. Last night there was a... She was probably homeless or maybe lived in her car, I'm guessing.

She was like one of the homeless that had her shit together. And I had my peripheral... Yeah, I think she might have had a roller bag. It's like an open front bar so she's chatting from the sidewalk to people who are in the bar and laughing about stuff, and she wasn't hitting anyone up or anything.

She was out in front of a hotel, sitting down in the smoking area, right out in front of where you pull up to check in. And she saw me, and she goes, I like your hair! Where are you going? I want to see a band! Just like that that i'm all across the street next thing i knew you were uh but she i could i saw her she she was i guess one of the stumbly stumble bums she was like helping him and got him into a doorway and i went out to smoke and i saw her she had gotten a pizza from somewhere and was feeding pizza like

taking care of people like she was you know, the madam of the homeless district. And so I had a pocket full of twos. We've been dropping a lot of deuces still. That brick of deuces is going to take a while. And I gave her a whole fucking handful of all the twos I had. Oh, wow. And she started crying. So, uh...

But yeah, that dude was funny. Yeah, the kids that we've had open, the first night was Ed the Hump. Oh, yeah. And I don't think I knew he was a comic. I knew that. I'm like, oh, this is how we're starting?

His name's not The Hump. You just call him The Hump, right? Yeah, he's got a giant hump. He's like a Quasimodo-esque hunchback. And very funny. I forget to have his jokes.

A lot of them we couldn't hear because he has a very overbearing speech impediment. I don't like Quasimodo. He's a gnarly dangle balloon. That's the elephant, man. overbearing speech impediment. I don't like Quasimodo. I'm not. I'm not. Oh, that's the elephant, man. Come on.

Get your cripples right. I think Charles Lott in Hunchback of Notre Dame I've had to listen to. He didn't really speak. He's deaf. That horrible English accent? Oh.

I caught Lott in the beach. Steph. That horrible English accent? Oh. I can't laugh, maybe. You can still understand him enough, I think. Yeah, there were two that were actually paid to see the show. They go, if you want to do time, alright. It always feels like you're

double dipping. I get your ticket money and I'm going to make you work. We did re-imperse them for their time. But the other one, we just asked, hey, if there is a local that wants to do 5 to 7,

they're welcome to. But evidently, the club owner, the one guy, Cody. The neighbor. The neighbor, yeah. Yeah, he said, how do you say your last name? And he kept telling us.

And he goes, yeah, the sad thing is I made that name up. And his real last name was something completely easy. He goes, I forget his reason. Something from a movie was something completely easy. Because I forget his reason. Something from a movie or something he saw. Some character was named Caligra.

But he drove... I think his last name was really like Harris or something. Something similar like that. Hawkins, that's what it was. And Jr. was like, that's a good last name, Hawkins? Yeah. Why didn't you... Oh, no, no.

Because he didn't like that they used... No, because Jr. said, Hawkins is a great last name. He goes, that's a good last name. Hawkins? Yeah. Oh, no, no. No, because you said, Hawkins is a great last name. He goes, that's why. They always add the S, because it's Stephen Hawkins. And he couldn't put... You can't put an S on your name? No, Stephen Hawkins. G. It's not an S. But anyway. I have no idea.

I might be screwing up Alex with... Oh, Alex is the one that drove from a different town. To open the Fort Wayne? No, he did the Grand Rapids show. Yeah. He drove from Fort Wayne like an hour before the show. He was asked to come do it, and he goes, I'll be there.

It's like longer than an hour. Yeah. Yeah, he drove from Elkhart. Yeah. No. To Elkhart from Fort Wayne. That's right. I'm sorry, because the hub was the an hour. Yeah. Yeah, he drove from Elkhart. Yeah. No. To Elkhart from Fort Wayne. That's right. I'm sorry, because the hub was the first one.

Sorry, I'm confused this whole thing. All right, yeah, because both Cody and Alex drove from one show and then came to the next night. That's so fucked up it's been nine shows what was it? we're trying to go back to high school here where's the kid with the gum in his hair?

every day you reset you know it's a brand new discovery of what is in the showroom you have to figure it out. You've got to remember where you've got to go to smoke. I mean, it's the Groundhog Day, but it's, you know, it's not the same scene. It's different.

And for the most part, the comedy clubs, they're all pretty much the same. It's like working at TGI Fridays. No, this is a different one. Our bar is closer to the kitchen, but it's still fucking TGI Fridays. The fucking great staff. I wish there was something I could complain about, because every staff has been fantastic. No fights, no anything. The one guy I tried to get on stage in the... Was that the first show?

Yeah, the first show. Yeah. Yeah, he wasn't trying to attack me or anything. He threw himself out. I love that. You do have one thing to complain about. I don't know if you want to bring it up.

What? Audio in the green room. Oh, yeah, I tweeted about that. Every green room should have a way you can listen to the stage. If it's not right next to the stage, get a fucking thrift store speaker and some fucking wire that meth heads haven't stolen, and

run a court. I need to hear, Junior, I need to hear if there's fucking commotions. I want to hear if there's fucking commotions. I want to know if there's hecklers. Are there fires to put out? Is the local opener going to step on my dick? It really is. It should be a requirement for every green room to be able to hear the stage.

I tweeted that. The amount of retweets I got from comics that comics I don't even know are retweeting that. And a screen. A screen is nice. It is nice. But it's never like lit up

properly. You gotta do like close up or something because you just see a blob on screen. I don't need to see you. If you said to them, look, I want you to put a video system together to put this thing, that's one thing. If you just put a speaker, you run an aux end from the fucking

board that you have in there anyway. You've got a drop ceiling in there. You just need someone to run the wire and that's it. It's so simple. But T-Gain would be a little bit... I'm sure you could do a wireless setup too. You could do that as well. Bluetooth speaker. Easy.

I don't know if it's me. If I'm getting fatter or if green rooms are getting smaller as this tour progresses. But that's the thing. I can't go out and watch the opening act. Because if I go into the room someone's going to see me and they're not going

to be listening or they're going to be drunk and try to talk to me and tell me how far they drove and you know I get a selfie

I know there's a joke but if I could just get a two real close video sorry the local openers nobody fucking knows you you can hang out

in the room when there's only fucking two seats in the green room. Yeah, that wasn't really small in Cleveland. There's been a few that are really small. Even a few times I was going to tell J. Lee to fucking be feet. All right. Last night when Junior had a... You can either open the door and listen to fucking horrible music,

and they had it curtained off so the audience couldn't see you. Hype and drape. Yeah. Unless someone walked by and then the drapes would blow so you couldn't see out. But I was smoking in the green room, so we had to keep the door shut, but then I'd get too smoky for Junior, and he's opening the door. That was really clever, the way they had that, because it was blocking the back door, so we had an alley entrance. You could go in and out.

The curtain on the audience side was a thick, heavy curtain. But the curtain to the stage was sheer enough that you could see it. So you could actually watch from there and see the stage like a smoky filter. And it also prevents people from running into each other trying to get on and off the stage. And that was well thought out. Or maybe they didn't think of it. They handed me that piece of curtain.

We're out of the other curtain. Oh, the fucking Alex. Alex the opener. Alex Hake. Yeah. He's the one that came to wherever. Fort Wayne.

And the truck. From Fort Wayne. And I go, oh, you're a Fort Wayne comedian. And Olivia Grace was with us last time. We got a whole tour. She had this whole bit about

she lived in Fort Wayne for a minute because she was dating a comic. They were going to move together, but his mother was dying of cancer, so she had to wait. I think the bit was about just, well, hurry up and die of cancer kind of angle. So when he said he was a Fort Wayne comedian, I go,

you didn't used to hook up with Olivia Christ and she goes, why? I go, really? She had this whole bit about you. I go, there's nothing bad. But it was really funny to like, he's kind of an urban

legend to me like meeting someone that you've heard about just in comedy format for a year I can't put a face to that bit you had just met him too pretty funny

yeah I think I probably put it in a more caustic vernacular of, you used to fuck Olivia Grace. Why? I was always scared you were going to say something like, she hates me or you were going to fire me if I said yes. No, she's not that bad to say. It's just fun to actually meet you.

Oh, and Sam Minnie last night. She's a waitress at, last night was Buffalo at Helium, and she was a waitress, and she came in, and she said, she said, I got anything you need to drink, do you want anything to eat? I'm Sam, I'm your server. Oh, yeah, we ordered it, she goes. Oh, by the way, I don't always talk like this. I just had a pretty wild weekend.

No problem. And then so we asked if there's any comics. Sam, yeah, she does comedy. You go, you want to do some time? She goes, yeah, sure. It's my last night. I'm moving to Austin. I go, well, you tear it up.

And at one point she came in. Before she had done her set, she came in to bring us food or whatever. And Junior, we'd noticed there was a small square glass, you know, three-inch, four-inch by four-inch square that had tic-tac-toe pieces on the mirror part. And I go, we should, there's a Splenda over there, let's chop up some lines

and leave this thing on the shelf where we found it. And she walked in on Junior chopping up lines. I go, don't worry, it's just Splenda. And she goes, I don't care, I do that stuff too. And then left. Before I could put together, oh,

she thought I was kidding about the Splenda being funny to hide that it's coke. I was dumb enough to believe that, yeah, I joke around like this too. Because we've fucking had stories

come back to us about, yeah, I heard when you were there that you left a bird stapled to a crucifix in the comedy condo. That was me and Brendan Walsh in Louisville years ago. I'm like, no.

We didn't do anything like that. We've done nothing. They swear, they swear, that was the old fucking Tom Sobel. That was the fucking baby cunt in his nose.

He had some weird fissure. Yeah, it's now the Derby. Back then it was whatever it was. John Fox used to do that shit, right? Common ice cubes or something. Well, the urban legend was, yeah, sticky sticky

mayonnaise or jerk off with mayonnaise. You just assume that. I mean, that happened in van houses too. You would always take everything out of the fridge and just whoop right into the trash can because you didn't know what van was there before. So eat the mayonnaise. It's fine. Eat a can of open mayonnaise

at the comedy condo. That's such a cliche about the mayonnaise at the comedy condo that it was in the script of that movie. Yeah. In its cliched form.

What do we have? All right. So yeah, Sam Mini, M-I-N-N-E-Y she was fucking funny in this now I just want to do her bits

to show you how fucking funny she was but you can't do that if you're only five she's going to be in Austin you can check her out there you said that she was

she got a job in Cap City and really Helium bought Cap City in Austin so she's transferring to go work there. Yeah, fucking great people.

Good times. We've got one more thing here to do, and then we'll be back, and then we'll fucking go do this show. The following is a clip from the World Record Podcast. Do you know Jared from Subway? I have heard the name. Okay. Well, he's on the line right now, and he's going to burp into the phone for you. Hey, boy. Sorry.

So he's going to get out of prison soon, and we're wondering if you want him to be your spokesman. So maybe I can come over, and once I get out of jail, I can come over and burp. And he eats for free. And get free food. Yeah, he's going to get free food, and then he'll get really fat. You know, I think you're going to need to talk to my coworker. And I get fat. Hello?

Yeah, hey. So you're the guy. She said that you'll smash your cock and balls into a George Foreman grill? Go to worldrecordpodcast.com. Oh, and the big change was Cleveland moving to Hilarities, which is a legendary club. And that was our day off, so we get to spend Saturday night there, and they fucking took care of us every which way. And that room is fucking incredible.

There's parts of that bar, they have a martini bar that hasn't been open since COVID just because they can't get fucking staff. And it's the coolest bar I might have ever seen in my life. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, it's a fucking Austin Powers theme is what you guys said. The upstairs is an entire restaurant.

Then you go down the steps. There's the Frolic Cabaret Room, the Champagne Bar, and the Martini Bar all in one area and just kind of flows into each other. And it's all... And going this weekend,

as soon as you hear this, this is September 2nd through 4th, Attell is there, and I think 2nd and 3rd or 3rd and 4th, Sam Talent's in the other room. So you can make a great comedy weekend at Hilarity's in Cleveland. I think second and third or third and fourth Sam Talents in the other room. Yeah.

So you can make a great comedy weekend at Hilarity's in Cleveland. Yeah, your showroom was the other half of the downstairs. And our Saturday off, because it was a fucking nightmare of weddings and shitheads. It's right down there in the entertainment district by the ballpark. And the Browns were playing preseason. But at the bar, at Hilarity's, we had the whole bar to ourselves. So they put out the TV. Both of the owners kept coming by in rounds. Every 15 minutes, Rick or Nick would come up to you.

Nick looks like old Alan Arkin, and he had that same kind of demeanor. I can get you anything. A car, a boat, a piggyback ride, you name it. He was a good dude. Everyone there was fantastic to the point where

Junior and I went out the next day and found brunch somewhere with our notebooks going, alright, we can't suck tonight. I was feeling the pressure. I was like, something bad's gonna happen. Everyone's way too nice. They're giving us free shit. I'm gonna

buy. I'm gonna do something wrong here. But it went perfectly. These guys are awesome. Sold out. Sold out, sold out. I just realized this podcast might have had a more homey feel. This is our 500th episode, which I'm glad you didn't warn me about ahead of time because I'm sober before a show. That doesn't count the 30 days in the hole times two.

It doesn't count the little one-offs we did when we were in Fort Lauderdale and stuff. Yeah. And upcoming, hopefully running into our friend Adrian, who's been working on a book about comedy and largely me for like 20 years, literally, I think. She was on tour with us before.

Yeah, she's wrote that whole thing in Harper's. That was very nice of her. She's on tour with us. And I want to get her on the podcast because now, like, the, the,

the shift has been so drastic since she, she, I think she started writing about Rick Shapiro and then you got Jerry Seinfeld and I don't know. I mean,

it's going to be, you know, a 10,000 page book, but she was telling me some things like where she's done some readings of live passages from it.

And had people appalled. Even the stuff that she wrote for that Harper's about being on tour with us. Should I walk out of the book room? I think so. Yeah, that's where I get to find out the details. I want to get her on.

Just because of the old cancel culture, like you, they talk to you like that. That's just shit. That was completely. You're embedded. You chose to be in our environment. You know,

be moved to her, but I'm curious. Treated her like another comment sorry yeah and she was fine with it and that's what she was getting shit for like you're fine with this you think that's acceptable behavior so i want to know like is that book even going to come out now or do you have to go rewrite it in some voice of a victim I think Bingo didn't write a book about you you're a fucking scout from the planet and thank you so

thanks to all of you especially our Patreon people I don't know what the fuck's going to happen when I'm in the UK I guess we could do Zoom podcasts I was going to ask you if that was a possibility, because we could do it. I don't know

if they have the internet over there. We've got so much time. No, we'd do it with a letter, like a Spanish script. Yeah, we'd have a month to transcribe. Parchment. You've got so much time over there during the day

when you don't do shit. Yeah, you do. You take a fucking train to one of those silly taxi cabs to a thing. Oh, yeah, no. This is not like that at all. There was some kind of fuck-up with the Nottingham, so they're moving that into

two shows. I don't know. I don't even want to know. Yeah. The less I know, the happier I am. Well, if you wanted to, if there was a chance to do it, we could do Zoom calls and do shorter ones just to keep doing it because, I mean, we're going to be home for almost four weeks, like three weeks

while you're over there. We'll be in Bisbee, so if you could do that, that'd be awesome. Keep it going. It'd be interesting to get a video log of what you're over there. We'll be in Bisbee, so if you could do that, that'd be awesome. Keep it going. It'd be interesting to get a video log of what you're doing. I'll do it at 2 in the morning when football's starting to kick off. Watch it

opening weekend. You can watch it. You can watch it on a Zoom. To you. I mean, we wouldn't do that. Alright, thanks everyone. Thanks for coming out live. This is going

fantastically. Where do people get in touch with Junior? At Junior Stopka. On Twitter? Yeah. I don't know. Instagram. Oh, Instagram. At JuniorStockgun. Great. Yeah, you can find me on TikTok.

Or you can call me at the payphone. I don't know. Shout-outs to Renee Schultz, my buddy. Oh, yes, Renee Schultz. I didn't hear the story of it. She came up with you when you started. She had a show at Chicago Joe's. She booked a show.

No, she was a comic too. So I know all her first year jokes. Tampons and all that stuff. So yeah, we forced her to go on stage and she remembered her jokes. She's great. Like nothing. She's great. She's great. She's a fucking person.

She was like, yeah, like nothing. What I was starting to say earlier, this would have had a... Angry cats on Instagram. Oh, that's her? Yeah. All right. This would have had a more homey feel. I know we're using Zoom for the audio, but why do we need the lighting?

I guess we don't. Sorry. Yeah. I realized that at some point. Yeah, this doesn't feel like a podcast because I'm staring into a camera with a giant fucking spotlight in my face. All right. Sorry about that. Even Junior said something beforehand about the spotlight, and I still didn't.

I know, you're watching. I'm using that software we used when we did 30 Days in the Hole, and I just got so used to recording through this, which is better than Zoom, but it gives me multiple cameras like that, and I just set this up as if we were doing 30 Days in the Hole. I get what you're saying. Never quit smoking again because it throws you off. I'm on your side.

You got it. All right, let's go look at notes. I know what you're saying, never quit smoking again, because it throws you off. I'm on your side. Alright, let's go look at notes. Every time I look at this camera, I feel like I should be eating like 18 tacos in front of it. With the tamarisk's food? Yeah, hey guys, I'm gonna do something disgusting. Did you ever see those guys? Do the eating competition? I went to one.

It's the most disgustingust you hear all the noises They play music over the video so you all you you're alive this is what you hear live All the guttural noises that you make is like times a thousand. I want to find that. It's disgusting. Joey Chesnutt. Yeah, this whole tour. I remember this whole tour. Junior eats chicken wings all the time. I like chicken wings, but I just don't like touching them, and they're so

fucking messy. I mean, I love the flavor. After I got high on stage that night, we went out, and I ordered a fucking plate of wings, and I was just complete, my whole face was covered in blue cheese and ranch and buffalo sauce

from ear to ear and we're in a place that has cloth napkins. The motor bar in the West End and our bartender was awesome and someone at the end of the bar ordered... We went out to smoke.

Junior and I went out to smoke. Junior, he doesn't smoke anymore, but he'll go out and be my bodyguard on meat streets. Plus, I like the smell of smoke. And all these fucking weddings are in this hotel. Friday night was a rehearsal dinner rehearsal dinner night she told us all right this is the comp before the storm guys because all those people are gonna come up here and in the Westin this is the bar where you can eat in the bar

we were it's probably about 10 feet high that we're sitting at with the stools in there she's awesome. And it's four of us and like one or two guys to my left and one dude to... Yeah, there was six bar stools.

Two and then you two and then us two. We went down to smoke, came back up and now the glut of everyone from this stupid wedding party

and their trash and these two ladies are like leaning on our seats like her drink is almost spilling onto where I'm going to be sitting. Excuse me, those are our seats. She said, I'm just trying to get a drink around here yelling at the bartender.

We move when we get our drinks. Yeah. And then the... So the bartender. We move when we get our drinks. Yeah. And then the so the bartender told her hey those people were sitting here and they left and then her boyfriend and husband

Back up a second. My part was as soon as she gave you a little lip I said are you going to take that bug, Are you going to take that, bug? Are you going to sit here and take that? This guy, you know. He did it very cartoonish. He did a little dance, too.

And we really politely said they were. They were polite. No, no. They were polite before you got there. No. They were complaining that, like, man, if we could just get a drink, man, if someone would take our order, you can see there's two people

working back there, not just standing around talking. They are mixing drinks or on the cash register. If someone would just help us, and then you guys walked up. Anyway. Yeah, and then the husband comes over

saying who's being disrespectful to my lady my wife my wife you were disrespectful to her they were just trying to get their drinks and I don't know

if he was talking about us or the bartender, because I think the bartender is the last person to talk to the lady. Yeah. They were not disrespectful, and I asked them to leave. Yeah, but I don't know what the guy heard, because he was a very drunk white guy. These people are nasty.

We literally... Fucking Jesus. I was just walking up behind them, politely waiting, and then they said, excuse me, I was sitting. And then the bartender said, it's pretty crazy how people can start fights. But Junior is just completely, what, hey, no disrespect whatsoever. Alright. I told him I was big, because I could hear his head.

His head was speaking above mine, and I was sitting on a high chair. Alright, I'm glad we went a little long. Hope people don't fall for the false clothes. Okay, we're drunkards, not fighters. Keep your fucking waifu on and out of my chair.

All right. Bingo, take us out. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប�នបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.