The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP Ep#485: SwapCAST with Greg Fitzsimmons - Fitzdog Radio

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

A SwapCAST with Fitzdog Radio. Doug joins fellow comic/podcaster Greg Fitzsimmons at The World Famous Comedy Store to talk about the movie they just shot and when they worked together on The Man Show. Also in studio and in the movie, Stanhope's ex-girlfriend actress Khrystyne Haje. Recorded Mar. 24th, 2022 at The World Famous Comedy Store with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Greg Fitzsimmons (@GREGFITZSHOW), and Krystyne Haje (IG - @khrystynehaje). Produced and Edited by Fitzdog Radio. Watch Stanhope’s latest special for FREE at AllThingsComedy YouTube Channel - Doug Stanhope: The Dying Of A Last Breed - Full Special http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVcxfRBO4-M Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Stay in the loop with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Fitzdog RadioSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Welcome to a swap cast of FitzDawg Radio and the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Christine Hodge joins us to make it a triumvirate of... The Road Dogg. The Road Dogg. We're film stars, so I don't even know why we're podcasting. Yeah. Movie stars.

If you star in a movie, you are a movie star, and that's why I did it. I think that only applies to porn. I don't know. I think in film, you actually have to exceed your budget in sales, and then you're a star. Porn, you just have to shoot it. I guess in this movie, only me and the kid that played my son would be stars, because we had the most lines. Yeah. Sure.

But I'm a movie star, and I'm glad to have you on my picture as second however you would know. The people that come after the first two credits. You would be at the bottom of the cover if it was a DVD. Yeah. I want to be the guy you either get your name before

the movie starts or after the movie ends. I want to be before it starts. And we're hoping Doug will be above the title. I believe the kid would be, even though he's a co-star, he's got the second most lines, I think he would be and introducing Desmond Mulroney. I remember, what was James Dean's first movie? Was it Rebel Without a Cause? Because I remember it was in Introducing James Dean

And I remember going like That's sexy as fuck That's what you want in a movie What if I'm 55 and this might be I've been in a couple little movies before I haven't done many movies You're too known to be in Introducing I am

Sorry Slightly too known What else have introducing i am sorry slightly too known that's what else have you been in mr fitz i did a movie uh called monumental it was an indie film back in new york that i was actually the lead in and uh i don't know that it ever got seen anywhere isn't a lead a star i was a star yeah we're both movie stars Ding ding ding And she starred in Head of the Class Yes Loved you in Head of the Class Aw thanks

Yes It was fun Yeah Super great magical time for me That was a number of years wasn't it And Fitzsimmons and I were also People Magazine's 50 most beautiful men in the world And it was the lost issue

It was the lost issue It It was the lost issue. It was Joey Diaz was in it. Oh, Joey D. Yeah. They just showed his toenails. Because they felt like that was his strength. The way they curled. And that thick fungus.

Oh, wait. You know Joey Diaz from back in the day. Oh, you do? Yes. That's why we were dating. From our dating days. Christine and I, we have to, should we just start with all the weird things about this movie?

All the coincidences? Yes. So, I get an offer to do a movie where Hennigan, my manager, says, oh, they want you to star in a movie. It films all of February in says, Oh, they want you to start a movie. It films all of February in Chicago. And I went, fuck no. I just immediately like, no, there's no way. Yeah.

I'm going to be in Chicago in the winter. I've scheduled my career about avoiding traffic and bad seasons. Yeah. And then I read the script. And there was so much in the script that they said, we had you in mind. But I thought, you're stealing my life. Parts of it were like, this is exactly me. So I go, I have to do this.

There's a reason I'm doing this. I was shocked that it was not written for you, which it was not. No. No, it's Tony. As far as we know. As far as we know. Tony is the guy that was doing these one-nighters, and he's the drunk. I play an alcoholic chain-smoking comedian that's doing shitty one-nighters still in his 50s.

And Tony, he's sober 15 years years and he was doing these shows so it's it's his like what if i didn't quit drinking yeah but it's mine what if i didn't have money yeah i would still be doing those fucking gigs for 380 dollars uh yeah it's and it's it's reminded me a little bit of the episode you did of lucky louis where you're this comic who is just there's no sense of like i need to get like most comics no matter where you are how long you've been doing you always want to be at the next point you know whether it's playing bigger halls or and and your character and well i guess so but i think but my reality is no but you're not in that category yeah one of the worst things about coming back to la is seeing ambition in people that are my age now and they're

still trying i'm like aren't you just happy like i moved to a place where i live within my means and i'm happy i don't want to work so this is because i keep saying it's the same character i played on louis but it's not like that guy like this is who i am now yeah so it it is the same character if he was 55 instead of 41 and suicidal now i'm just old and resigned so i'm still kind of playing myself but but a different you got over the suicide you sort of like own the suicide and said ah that was just an attention seeking anyway yeah i don't need to kill myself it's happening on its own righticide can be something that you can romanticize. And then you realize like, oh, that's just like getting a Corvette or something.

I don't need that. Am I really going to do it when it comes down to it? I'll just kill myself. Yeah. But when you're faced with it, are you? Yeah. What's the closest you ever got to? If anyone's listening in it on the edge

um just a little psa from christine yeah i you i think that's court order now i think that has to be said when when suicide is talked about you say if you if you are thinking about suicide contact these guys are just joking it's it's gonna go to the philippines here's the suicide hotline yeah hello thank you for calling my name is madison uh madison i just want to tell you i'm a stand-up comic i'm making about 125 000 a year and uh i can't i can't book july right now which i'm thinking about ending my life i'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for calling. I'm going to put you onto my supervisor. And how is your life,

by the way? I'm still talking to the Filipino. Oh, we're still doing the character thing? All right. Yes, and? I'm just thinking about how little empathy

this woman would have for a comedian who's making $125,000 a year. Well, no, she would have a rebuttal sheet because I used to do telemarketing issues. Oh, that's right.

Okay. What is your reason for suicide? What about your loved ones? Okay. We've covered that. Don't you think that you are a good person? Okay. We've covered that.

Have you thought about the afterlife? It is a possibility. You have to ask your wife. Reach down and dig deep. Those are wife's balls or your balls make a decision right now coffee is for closers come on some glengarry glenrose references here yeah anyone yep what's the closest you ever got to suicide uh i was i was a teenager 17 18 and i i my dad said i like he wasn't he wasn't my dad was the nicest guy in the world but he's like he had to put his foot down because his my stepmother was like, because I did run roughshod over the house.

So I lived a block up with my friend Keith Kingsbury in a car. And it was the winter. When you were 16? 17 or 18. I don't know if it was when I just moved away and moved back or right before I moved away. And we lived in his old Chevy Malibu in the winter. And we'd wake up.

When you live in a car and you have a roommate. Passenger, roommate, who's to say? The exhaust would fill up the car when he turned it on in the middle of the night in Massachusetts to stay warm, just warm it up for a minute, and then he would fall back asleep and i go yeah this is i could die of carbon monoxide poisoning and i just didn't care i just would rather be warm and die yeah then that's why i'm still wearing those same long

johns i've been wearing since january 25th now it's March 17th. Oh, 18th. Sorry, I missed your show last night. Yeah, fuck. It was a fun show, but it was not. There was nobody Irish on it, unfortunately. I've done a St. Patrick's Day show every year for like, I think it was the 17th year we've done it. Wow. And usually we get Irish comedians, but none of them were around this year.

So I got a bunch of Jews. Yeah, Morgan Murphy. She's out in New York City. She's in New York. She's working on a job, right? That was the title of her special is Irish Goodbye. Oh, really? Yeah. You know what Irish Goodbye is, right?

Yeah. I don't. You don't say goodbye. You leave. You go, I'll be right back. Like I quit a lot of jobs. I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. You don't say goodbye. You leave. You go, I'll be right back. Like I quit a lot of jobs. I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

You don't. And showing up Irish means showing up without a bottle of wine or dessert or anything. I didn't know that one. Showing up Irish. All right. So I show up a week before filming going then i'll rehearse with people and i say so who's playing my uh the role is my ex-girlfriend long lost love that i treated like shit from 25 years ago i go who's playing karen was the name we had to change it for obvious reasons karen has a different

and who's playing karen they go well uh we haven't cast it yet or whoever fell out do you have any ideas and i said well i have my ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago that i treated like shit and i go really is she an actress As a matter of fact, she is. And then they looked her up online and went, yeah. Wow. So all of a sudden, my ex-girlfriend, then the kid that's playing my kid that I abandoned that comes to find me to play. He's 21 and he wants to be a stand-up comedian because his dad is well he's an actual 21 year old fledgling comedian whose dad is not only a legendary chicago comic his name's on the wall up here i called him yesterday he's like tp mulroney look for my dad's name there and send

me a picture that's great so like all right and then after michael bean was going to play your character and then he fell out and then bobcat goldthwait was going to play your character and and he got covid and then fitzsimmons is playing in the script a comic i used to work with 17 years ago and then when you got the part you you did the part i did the math yes it's 17 years ago we worked together yeah a man show yeah and like there's that's amazing so that must have put you in a real comfort zone in terms of like you know being in your character it made me fucking paranoid that my my character's dying of liver failure it's too real like everything's real in this and i'm a guy who's dying of liver failure that won't go to a doctor and i'm not gonna go to a doctor to see if this fucking movie plays out wait so tell me did he treat you badly when you guys dated like what mostly

like in what way he just was a drunk or he ignored you or more infidelity and um distance yeah oh yeah and jealousy i was an emotional distance yes there was the emotional distance wouldn't talk to me like but not in a mean way, just like a very general cold shoulder. If I asked him anything remotely important, would you? Were you living together? No. We were late 20s. I was early 30, probably when we broke up.

We were together three years. Living in LA? Yeah. I had just, I moved to LA in 95 and then we were together till you know. Yeah, 98 or 99. 96 to 99 I think it was. But I was like, she was

a star. She would take me to all these places I could never get in that you probably shouldn't have gotten in either. Because she was a star in the late 80s, early 90s, and you would fucking abuse that privilege so beautifully. She got me into everything. I was helping people. She got me into all these Oscar after parties. She knew how to get on to first class

Gift bags Yeah She wasn't on the list Before everyone knew about swag This is pre-social media So you were still in your own little bubble Yeah Of

You know Now everyone's living a swag kind of life Right But when you were doing really well in Hollywood, certainly before and then in the 80s and 90s, it was a bit of a swag life. Right. And you didn't know any different.

Yeah. So. Did that change you? Do you feel like that had a bad effect on you? Or you took it in stride? No, none of that. I mean. But I was the guy.

I was the plus one. Where Richard Jenney specifically, I know this story because I remember when he died, I get the phone call from Mattel. I was on stage in Michigan. And when my phone rings, I forget to turn it off before I see who it is. Yeah. And it's Mattel. He's like, did you hear? Richard Jenny killed himself.

Did you take the call on stage? I did. I love that. I always do that. But Richard Jenny would like, they did a show called Platypus Man. Oh, of course. On the UPN.

Yeah, they co-starred in that. UPN. And so he'd come to the improv. You know how he hit on every fucking woman. So she'd say, oh, Richard, this is my boyfriend, Doug. And he'd go, nice to meet you. Anyway, what are you doing later? Yeah.

Like, just dismiss me. Everyone would do that. Like, I was always the plus one. And so I kind of resented her because at that time i came to la and i had a development deal i had lived out of my car and all of a sudden i have a development deal and an agent and a manager and i'm i'm up and coming yeah and like i should get some of this attention so as a cunt i was an awful awful person to her. I resented her. Plus, she didn't drink or smoke.

And that's what I do. So what attracted you to Doug? Because it doesn't seem like you guys on paper would have been a match. I bet he'll know who set us up. But when you say it, it was a blind date. Yes, we were fixed up. A guy that that always in the 90s the improv bar there's a bunch of a row of drunkards that sat there steve seagrin was always there clark anthony clark for sure yeah and swartzen uh swartzen was coming a little bit later yeah but uh Zimmerman. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

So Ron Zimmerman says to me, hey, listen, I want to set you up with this girl. She's one of People Magazine's 50 hottest women. Did you get one of those? Nice. She was on this show, which I never saw ahead of the class, but still a star fucker to this day. I love name dropping. Uh-huh. Mildly abusive, I think is what we started with go ahead he goes but in return you had to set me up with one of

your friends meaning back in the day the ginger and mary ann of the improv were Sarah Silverman and Bonnie McFarlane. And then Nancy Pimentel was your default. But I'm so I like, okay. So that was the blind date we got set up on. And then we were together for three years. And no offense to you, Doug. What would attract you to him?

Because if he's drinking and smoking and you're not into that lifestyle. He's incredibly intelligent. He's the smartest man I knew. Yeah. No. And. Doesn't usually get you far in Hollywood.

And so funny. First of all. Incredibly funny. Yeah, of course. You know? Yeah. But you didn't know me. You met me.

I was slouched over the coaching horses bar. Like, where do you want to go? And I go, well well this is where i hang out and she's like all right i'll show up i don't really drink or smoke so i'm just sitting there drinking and smoking over many cocktails of my own and none of yours and then you agreed to a second date chuck woolery was relevant at the time And you're wearing his outfit right now. So, yeah, I don't know what attracted you to a second date, because I couldn't have been hilarious and intelligent that night.

I think I don't know when I saw you on stage, but I don't know if I saw you before and then we went out, but I knew you were smart and funny thank god we do stand-up we would never would have gotten women like this i mean my wife saw me do stand-up and it is no fucking way she would have been with me if she didn't see me crush like the first time we went out everyone's memory over the years i don't remember her seeing me much doing stand-up but she was mostly going to premiere parties yeah and i wasn't that funny in 1996 yeah i feel it no no she says i was with resentment funny and smart and i i wasn't really smart because it would have reflected find my comedy from 1996, not so smart or funny.

I think she has like, you know how they like bad boys? I was like a sad boy. I was like a fetal Bukowski or something. Were you going to fix him? Was there some of that? I did have confidence, though. Yeah. Which misplaced confidence is the most offensive thing to me.

And he's handsome. He's a good-looking guy. I mean, I think you're not giving him due credit for looks, especially in the 90s. I'm scribbling the hair back on his head as I'm looking at him right now. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that. No. I was never good looking

you weren't hard on the eyes you know how women are they find beauty where we can't yeah right we find hatred in what they love what did you learn from dating doug in terms of what you brought to your next relationships oh wow um yikes i'm not sure i brought any to the next relationship but i i know that i wanted to simplify yeah that doug's life and our life together felt began to get very complicated and that was exhausting so i definitely wanted something more straightforward and oh uh gosh anything i say about this won't be funny so i think that's a shift gears no that's fine no you say funny for your act if you find something that you is about to be brilliant you go oh write it down and use it on stage don't waste it on a podcast uh i i learned a lot about stand-up but i didn't bring that to my next relationship Don't waste it on a podcast.

I learned a lot about stand-up, but I didn't bring that to my next relationship. Right. Oh, yeah. Please hold. But we were funny together. Also, I always felt that Doug made me more funny. Yeah. And he was writing a sitcom.

I didn't write with him or anything, but we had a lot of comedy together. Let me, because this will engage Fitzsimmons. You had some Mary Tyler Moore writer writing for you, right? Oh, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Stan Daniels. That's a big name, right? Wasn't he a big name writer?

From Mary Tyler Moore. Yeah. And I would go over and co-write. Like, I had no idea. I really lived out of a piece of shit car for three years and then moved to L.A. I was just doing fucking triple gig dick joke fucking Montana. And then I moved to L.A. with a development deal where, oh, you're going to try to write a sitcom. development deal where oh you're gonna try to write a sitcom and we paired you with a guy that has emmy awards from cheers as a second string guy and mary tyler moore from 1973

maybe the great top three greatest sitcoms in history yeah but at this point he's like fucking nose hairs or tingling in the wind. And he's got all his enemies up there. And I, of course, I wrote her into the script and my mother into the script. Because my mother had just moved out to L.A. to be an actress. And that was a whole fiasco. And, oh, yeah, we could do this. And he'd write, okay, and now're your character he gets a cut on his

finger so uh your mother goes in to get mercurochrome i'm like mercurochrome my dad was like 30 years older than my mother and that's the last time i heard the reference of mercurochrome but i'm not not going to say anything. Right, right. He's got all these Emmys staring down at me. He's building the set, and there's like two twin beds next to each other in your bedroom. So did you shoot a pilot? No. No, it went fucking nowhere.

Nowhere. Yeah, those deals were nice, though. Those 90s deals, they were a lot of money, and they were so poorly thought out. The people, they paired me with this. I had a sitcom, and I'm all Irish, and so my sitcom, my first deal was very Irish sensibility. It was caustic. It was sarcastic. There was some loyalty.

There was all the tropes that you'd see with irish people and and then they give me this guy who's a jewish writer from seinfeld and he was fucking terrible he was terrible if you can remember his name that might be one of the ones it was andy something i don't remember his last name anyway and uh and so he he had this script software because usually you use final draftraft. That's the standard software for writing scripts. He had this other software, because that way I couldn't get in there and make any changes. So he was this control freak who controlled the scripts, and he put in jokes that made my fucking skin crawl. And when they handed it in, I made them take my name off the script, and I offered to give the money back.

They let me keep my agent. I was like, no, we're not doing that. They let me keep the money, but it was clearly not going anywhere. One of the great things about Ron Zimmerman, I mean, there's much more great things about him, but he still writes on a yellow legal pad when he writes his scripts. Yeah. Do you? Oh, yeah.

Right. Many yellow legal pad. Right. Many yellow legal pads. But one thing I carried from Doug forever was I always felt like he met everyone where they were. Like he's an incredibly compassionate, loving person, which you might not see if you weren't, you know, in a very close relationship with him. But it was he was like shockingly understanding and loving of whoever it was wherever they were and i came from i'm from a very strict roman catholic slash greek orthodox family and there's not a lot of acceptance when things fall outside the lines right right and so that was the i could see that being very appealing. Yeah, it was a big revelation for me with Doug.

Yeah. Was how to just love somebody. Right. Just exactly for who they were. I was, at the other hand, experiencing, oh, now I think I'm someone because I have a development deal, which I don't know at the time means nothing. Yeah. means nothing yeah but when you're we're living out of your car for three years you think oh i have fourteen thousand dollars means i'm the richest man i'm fucking elon musk and everyone like gives me courtesy at the improv i can go do a set whenever i want because my managers half own Joanne Astro and Mark Lano were my managers.

Half on the improv. Yeah. So I went up at the improv and then you go, back then, oh, that means I can fuck a lot of women. Yeah. So I would. So I was very- But I mostly didn't know about it.

I just had suspicions. I didn't get... Because you were in fucking premiere parties. I got most of it confirmed. You were trying to get work, but I was trying to get fucking laid. Right. You were coming home with leather bags with Chanel number nine and massage certificates in it. I was coming home smelling of those same scents.

Did you ever catch him red-handed? No. It was after we broke up that a friend went to see him on stage, went to see one of his shows, and he did this whole bit about all of these waitresses that he had sex with.

Well, and I showed up. I showed up, bright-eyed. I know one of them. There you go. I know one. And she just assumed that i knew is her name associated with the drug yes it is yes yeah or i used to have that in my notebook because i i uh k so i always just put k for your name k and then four circled because i had a fivesome with four

comedy club waitress lashes no yeah oh oh right right right right right i didn't know it was five i thought it was a three i was the fifth but it was a four way and all the women and you yeah that's insane and i was so drunk i couldn't get it up at all but i was squeezing enough blood into it so i could technically say they didn't probably want me there they would have done a foursome just fine but i was there so i just wanted to make sure and with covering one eye i could make sure i get every one of them technically penetrated so I could say I just had a fissile and

yeah. And I was all very innocent showing up wondering where he was when I got to the hotel. Yeah. Well, the point is, it's not like he was really fucking other women. He was just trying to fuck other women. It's a technicality. It fucking other women. He was just trying to fuck other women.

It's a technicality. It was my sheer innocence, and I just never expected it. So I didn't suspect it. It was only... I've had a fivesome, and I'm a movie star. I'm a... Like, I have all these... Technically, yes, I did do a thing. Yeah.

Like, it was not like, oh, we're were so into stanhope we're just all fucked up and they're all half lesbians and yeah they were gonna do this and they're drunk and i'm drunk and they all they all uh probably hated themselves afterwards because after we broke up i put it on my website i didn't use their names yeah yeah but i think i put it in the book. I put it in one book. Yeah. Maybe. And how old were you when this was happening? 26, I want to say. Oh, you were a baby.

Yeah, 26. Had you been with many lovers before that? We were over a year and a half apart. Uh-uh, no. No, strict Roman Catholic Greek Orthodox. So he was like the second or third guy you'd ever been with? It's a very small number, let's just say. Wow.

But yeah, I didn't realize that I was actually sleeping with all of these women. Yeah. Via Mr. Stano. At the height of AIDS. Oh, my God. That was the catchphrase back then was when you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with. Yeah. One time I fucked a girl from a cover band in Idaho in my early days when that was out in a Tribble gig.

And I go, you know how they say afterwards? I said, you know how they say you just, when you sleep with someone you've slept with everyone they slept with, you just fucked some of the ugliest, fattest women that you've ever seen in your life. We keep in touch. Well, it's a kind of a beautiful story. And it's a shame the film didn't get more into the backstory of your guy's love. But when you came into that film, not only was it you know specific to the script 17 years

you came in and did not only like all the stand-up parts they told us that's just like a bookmark you can do whatever you want but they wanted you to do a specific thing that i don't and we both went ah but you did it and you pulled it off the thing on stage yeah yeah yeah right uh like like that's too dead like people wouldn't even remember but you did that so well and the rest of our scenes are mostly you had the hardest job because you had all the dialogue most of it is me going uh yeah i remember or maybe i don't yeah yeah yeah and then you but the scene and comics are listening mostly the scene is us sitting in a comedy condo with you. Just remember the time and fucking port fuck ass knuckle Nebraska. Yeah.

And then, and then there was all these chicks and the thing and the guy. And when we would cut from filming us, we would go back into our own road stories or man show stories. Right. Where like, why did we yell cut? Yeah. Because it was the exact same dialogue. Yeah. Kind of the same way.

We acted like we were in love again, but we weren't really. But you weren't drinking during filming. He wasn't. He said he had an entire extra eight hours in the day because he wasn't because he was sober performing i respect that i mean that's the thing is you turned in the director was driving me not the director but the producer was driving me to and from set tony okay i mean he was sad he was fucking blown away by your performance he was blown away by your commitment and your

you know everything about you was very professional about how you and it's so funny because you have this moniker of like this you know crazy wild man who's a drunk and you know might be gay and but on the but in the movie like you're a pro you're a pro. You're a pro. Total pro. Yeah. My call time would be an hour or more ahead of his. Because of makeup. She has all that hair. Yeah, yeah.

The hairs and the things and the wardrobe. I shaved my head. I lost all my hair for the performance, so I wouldn't clog up all the makeup time because she has all that hair. Oh, that was generous. Wasn't that nice of him? Yeah. But he would show up early to set.

He would show up at the earliest call time. I would say, Doug, no, you're supposed to sleep to the very last minute. Yeah.

And he was like, no, I'm just going to get there. I'll go for my lines. I'll get comfortable. He would show up in wardrobe. Mm-hmm.

He's very worsted in. I'm still wearing. He's still wearing wardrobe. Not only that, he should have been sleeping late because he was at that Outback Steakhouse bar until wee hours every night. We stayed in this hotel. It's the fucking shittiest hotel. I was there at the same place. Terrible.

Basically, the airport hotel. It was the airport hotel. But it was close to location, so there you go. Did it have hardwood floors? No. It felt cold and uh and so we got so doug goes all right we'll go to the outback tonight and i was thinking all right this will be fun this is a treat doug's probably hasn't been there we walk in and was like this fucking all of a sudden a drink is put in front of it's his regular drink there's a flight attendant who's like yes hey doug's like hey how did that work i'm sorry that's tim is the bartender daphne is the fucking flight attendant yeah and now what

was the story with the i know something funny happened with that flight you have to go to the doug stanhope version of this podcast and it's it's that episode is scenes from an outback steakhouse okay yeah hey where's Hannigan? Get me that vodka out of my bag. The food was not bad at the Outback. Yeah. I was shocked. You can't tweet five weeks where I'm stuck at a fucking hotel

where the only thing in the hotel is the Outback Steakhouse. I'm like, I'm so tired of filet mignon. You can't complain on Twitter. It's one of those things. I think it was a Chris Rock line. When you're a celebrity, the only people you can complain to is other celebrities.

Fucking love Chris Rock. Yeah. He's been banging around here. He's been doing sets. Him and Kevin Hart, they go up on stage together. It's a water bottle in my bag that looks like water. It's not. And Kevin Hart is like, you know, the guy oozes charisma.

I mean, he walks on stage. The place goes fucking bananas. And he's a great storyteller. And he kills. And then Chris Rock comes up and makes Kevin Hart look like an open miker. You're kidding. Like just takes it two levels up instantly. And he never writes anything down.

Like Chris will just walk on stage. He'll say, he'll do a fucking great rant. And then he'll just stop and go, what else did I want to talk about? And he'll let it, he'll let all the energy collapse. Wow. And then he'll start all over again with a new idea. Like, you know, he's not fundamentally a good comedian. Like, in terms of like, you know, never do this, never do that.

He doesn't follow the rules. But he is one of the greatest comics of all time. But by doing it completely his own way. time but by doing it completely his own way i have a 25 minute bit hennigan about it culminates with the king of thailand which i it's never been filmed and it was about a a tour in southeast asia like singapore and vietnam and all that i did and it culminates with that but there's the reason i want to film it as a standalone bit because it's like 23 minutes long is there's one bit about where i emailed chris rock where i don't know him but I had his email address, and I'll just leave it at that. Maybe that will fucking make people tweet me.

Fucking film the King of Thailand thing. Yeah. Because it was a fucking, like I would open with 22 minutes of this whole story, but the part where I emailed Chris Rock not knowing him and he responded is like the best part of that. When you have drunken self-confidence and then you wake up in the morning going, oh, my God, I can't believe I believed in myself last night. Yeah, right. And it paid off. Yeah. I thought I was a peer of Chris Rock around 320 a.m.

Yeah. I thought I was a peer of Chris Rock around 3.20 a.m. Yeah. And he, because I hated being compared to Bill Hicks and stuff. I always thought if there's anyone I should be compared to, it was Chris Rock, because we both have irritating voices. voices but like the the angles i see myself going in where chris rock kind of angles and not we already had this discussion somewhere probably not on this podcast but i don't like the bill hicks like no i fucking i am personal there's nothing about bill hicks that was ever about his life or his personal experiences. That's true. He also died at 32.

So what are you going to say? Is he 32? No. Yeah. We broke up before Bill Hicks' age. He was not 32. Yeah. 32.

1994. February something. No shit. Dude, he looked 50. Well. He lived hard. Dude, he looked 50. Well, you ever see, what's it, Bert, the guy that played Rocky's coach? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Bert was his name in the movie, right?

No, it's, Mickey was his name in the movie. Oh, Bobby Mick. Yeah, exactly. Whatever. You ever, then you see him 30 years earlier on the Twilight Zone. He looks the exact same age. Everyone from those days always looked old, and now everyone looks fit and fine. Well, do you know the Traveling Wilburys, one of the greatest super bands of all time?

Love them. George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty. Roy Orbison. Super bands of all time. Love them. George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty. Roy Orbison. Roy Orbison. And the guy from ELO. Jeff Lynn. Jeff Lynn.

And those guys. And you think of that band as like this was a victory lap. This was a, you know, this was a coda. This was the end of their career. They were like in their 30s. They were all... No, that's not true. I'm fucking...

No, you're a guy over there that can fact check that for you. Are you a fact check how old a child in their 30s was? I was in my fucking 50s. No, they were in their 40s. I bet you they were in their 40s. You're being moved, though. Yeah, yeah, I'm being moved. You're a gambling man?

I am. I don't like to gamble. We've got someone with a different phone. Oh, by the way, remind me to get cash. You're a gambling man? I am. I don't like cash. Oh, by the way, remind me to get cash. I have to pay a lot of people. Oh, yeah, please hold. I want to drop the name of Morgan Anderson. Yes. Who we pulled out of fucking roast battle

to open for Annie Letterman is the other name I need to drop. Fucking Bert Kreischer is the name I have to shit on. Hey, Bert Kreischer, do you want to fucking open for me as a goof? I'm in Durham. What days?

It's Tuesday, Wednesday. Never heard a word back. Annie Letterman? Killed it. Fuck yeah, I'd love to. We had a blast. Fuck you, Kreischer. You and your big, fat fucking other problems.

And you can't even get back to me with a no? He didn't even reply to you. Well, he's busy. Yeah. I don't get back to people. I can't shit on people. I never get back to people i can't shit on people i never get back to people if you're at the bar we'll talk we'll settle deals it is that is a very sticky thing not getting back to people and uh how hurt some people get like i have a i had a good friend who's

not friends with me now because i didn't always reply to his texts and it's just like i have i have fucking depression and i go dark and it happens just randomly it's not like hey this thing happened and then i got really sad it's like no i woke up one day and i was unable to function for 48 hours specify please what's that what kind of depression because i get this like if someone's not going out of their way to tell me they like me, I think everyone hates me. Yeah. Including Christine Hodge, my ex. So when you think, like, I get back to someone based on, like, maybe a blue check mark or

something. But if someone doesn't get back to me, I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm done. My career is over over what kind of depression do you get my depression has been much more it's in my family and everybody just uh recedes goes away can't communicate like gums yeah yeah we recede like gums and hairlines and uh and i just um i can't snap out of it i can't think that like i see somebody jogging and i almost dropped to my knees thinking how did they do that why don't i do that or or even somebody walking their dog and i'm like look at how they can just take their dog with that leash and make it walk.

Like, how do they do that? Like, I think the simplest things are insurmountable for me and it can go on for a couple of days. So imagine I get a text from, you know, you say how many texts you get in a day and, you know, I don't reply to them all. Every one of those is like, I have so many failed relationships in my life

from just dropping out on people. And it's not because i don't care and i i resent that there's people who are the pat and oswald's of the worlds and the pete holmes of the worlds who are just always like present energy smart charming are they now no i'm maybe i shouldn't even say those names out loud but those are the people that seem like they are and you go well i i hope someone's as fucked up as me yeah i hope someone and most of my problems are probably not alcohol driven i'm a pretty good drunk yeah uh it's the mornings when i'm sober where i i i i can't i don't know what to say say to you where you you you're talking about how do you walk a dog i'm like why can't i why can't i dance fucking fat mike i did his no fx i did his podcast he goes i wrote this song i thought you could sing it for me i go the only time i get a comment about my singing is at home

with my closest friends will stop singing the song that we're listening to because you suck so bad and i'm like i always focus on the things i can't do yeah but uh i think the second half of your life you really do need to go like okay i tried i felt even as a stand-up i think about like the things i tried to do i tried to bring a guitar on stage once i fucking i used to do impressions i'd been i realized after doing it three times okay i don't do that and it's got to be the same thing in life where you go like i don't sing i don't hike and you like cross things off and stop beating yourself up about it i will never be able to scan a qr code oh wait no this is, this is Olivia Grace. Olivia Grace is out there. I was telling her, or was it you?

We were doing it. Yeah, all the things that I'm never going to know how to do. I'm never going to fucking figure out how to stream Zulu Plus or scan a QR code and I'm fine. I just, yeah, I want to accept my level as an adult that's never going to learn. Yep. I'm not going to. Like Don Gavin.

Doesn't have a computer. Still reads novels. He reads like five novels a week. That's what he does instead of being online. God bless Don Gavin. God bless Don Gavin. You know? Makes me want to write a novel.

Yeah. Chris Berman doesn't have a cell phone or email. Yeah, that was and that's years ago. Maybe he does now. But it was at a time where he's like, yeah, I don't care. Right. And I got to that level with shit I'm not going to learn. And I'm going to be good at what I do at this level as best I can.

Maximize the things you do well. I would say that, Doug, you have streamlined your life in many ways, so it's mostly focused on what you do well. That's why you call it functional outcomes, because I'm good in my narrow alleyway, and I make the best I can. That's why it's hard to have kids because kids kind of expect you to be well-rounded you can't just go like no i'm not i don't do mornings not interested yeah i it's one of the reasons we i kind of fell back in love when we had to pretend we were in love on the set

is because she never had kids either yeah and a lot of times when we're sitting around the fun house and bisbee drunk on a tuesday and all my friends we go oh hey remember why we're drunk on a tuesday in our 50s we don't have kids fuck them and we toast in the ghost of you that now has kids. Now I know. Now I can start drinking because my kids are gone. They're off to college. Oh, you aborted them late? Yeah.

It's the 78th trimester. Nice. So let's talk more about your trip to L.A. Because I know you don't like L.A. And you're here and you're playing at the Comedy Store. I love being here because we stay at the hotel next door to the Comedy Store. I come here and it's like the fun house you've been to. You will be eventually.

It's like I can leave my hotel, go see a thousand comics i used to know and then shake hands and go back everything else outside of this sucks yeah getting to the airport getting the other podcasts going to sherman oaks everything sucks except being here with you guys. Yeah. Yeah, and I remember the last time I saw you here was election night of 2020. When was Trump elected? 2016? Hang on. This is why Brian Hannigan is going to get fired if this is not out in two months is the hard copy of No Encore for the Donkey is about that entire year that culminates with the End of the World podcast.

Oh, no kidding. The entire year was dominoes falling from this stage one in January till Bingo came out of her coma at Christmas. And it's. Oh, that's right. That happened. I forgot about that. But it's the only book I wrote where I was a good writer. Uh-huh.

The other two, yeah, it was a good podcast, Audible versions. This one, you need to fucking read. We're going to send this to Don Gavin. Yes. Yeah. See what he thinks about it so i forgot about that she was in the coma during the during the end i was out of my fucking mind i was crying in the green room like i'd go out and i'd try to be stoic fucking bill burke carried that whole thing so much. He did. And Rogan, and then people showed up.

And I sat out there for a little bit, and I remember I said something, and I was feeling overwhelmed because at the moment that they announced that pot had been legalized in California, the entire crowd lit a joint. And it was a fucking hot box and somebody handed me a joint and i'm not a big pot smoker but i took a big hit and uh and then i was high and i'm on a panel with a bunch of fucking murderers who are all just like bam bell i fucking the crowd is jammed and it's rogan it's kinetic energy and I said something a high joke that didn't land and you fucking leveled me I forget what you said but it was like a quick level and I just went like

oh I don't have my brain with me right now I have no idea like I was this is when I didn't know if Bingo was going to live or die so I fled I go her parents and friends and family are with her so I'm just going to leave because I didn't know if Bingo was going to live or die, so I fled. I go, her parents and friends and family are with her, so I'm just going to leave because I can't help in the emergency room. Yeah. I'm just going to make them weird because it was her 40th birthday party.

So all of her friends and family from all over the country came in, and then she fucking had a seizure and smashed her skull. So she's in a coma. And I'm like, they're all at the hospital. I'm going to go do this end of the world podcast. Yeah. And, uh, but that was the culmination of a year of fucked up things. And Johnny Depp's wife is suing me. Oh, by the way, get on the mailing list. If you want to be in Fairfax, Virginia for a weird show on April 11th.

Only mailing list people will get notified. It's a 90-seater. So it started with, like, we broke up on an Impractical Jokers podcast cruise in January because she caught me fucking a stripper. cast crews in january because she caught me fucking a stripper and then it goes the it's i keep telling hennigan he's fired if he doesn't we've had a year that we can put this out we had audible exclusive it's on audible but no this is one you have to read because i fucking wrote it well yeah he doesn't understand he's really gonna get fucking fired if he doesn't get this out in a hard copy jesus i can't wait to read it jesus but uh yes that's the last time i saw you was on that on that stage and then they announced that the numbers were starting to look where it

looked like trump couldn't lose and now i'm high and everyone's being funny like the level it didn't affect the comedians you mean could win they could win it looked like he was going to win they absolutely was going to win and i and i was i saw what that meant and i don't know if the other comedians weren't processing it or they were just like such professionals that they were like we're going to make this funny no matter what and i just got up and i walked off stage and i walked to my car and i just fucking i sat in my car in the parking lot and i listened to the news and i i think i got home at like two o'clock in the morning i couldn't even i couldn't even drive home oh that was a rough night i remember walking out at the end in a coma going, who fucking cares? Who wins?

It doesn't matter. I was so fucked. You know what? I'm not going to kill the fucking book. Don't kill the book. Fucking Manson showed up with coke like John Goodman did in Flight. If you've never seen that movie, Flight.

Denzel Washington. Yeah. Yeah. It was exactly like that. I remember him in the green room. I didn't know he had coke. No. I'm not going to kill it.

I'm going to wait for Brian Hennigan to get fucking No Encore for the donkey out. So, you got some road dates coming up. I want to mention those. Sony Music Hall. The only other one you have to remember is

April 11th. What's going to happen there? Two blocks away from the Fairfax County Courthouse on April 11th. Do I have to hint anymore? Yeah, but you're only going to be able to find out where I'm playing. It's a 90-seater if you're in the D.C. area.

Also, if you're in the Comedy Key West area. It's called, we're calling it Doug Stanhope, a night of comedy, libel, and what do we say? What's the other word? He left. He was fired. I think he thinks he's fired. He doesn't care. I fired him a million times for not having this book out.

Libel, and what do you get sued for by Amber Heard? Oh dear. Slander? Slander and Libel. There you go. Yeah. Wow. April 11th at Fairfax County Courts. You can't cancel that. That should be your next album.

That's where Johnny Depp's he's suing her and it's, I don't know why it's in Fairfax, Virginia. But I booked a fucking 90 seater on my way from New York to Key West. Yeah, let's go. Let's go book the first night of the trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. I'm going to book a fucking gig. That's nice.

Irish pub. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The downstairs some irish pub two blocks away uh-huh yes an evening of comedy libel and slander she fucking sued me i thought that was all settled isn't that all settled mine was she sued me to shut up yeah so i oh my attorney says i can't talk about it on stern and whatever well i'm still not gonna talk about it but i'm gonna rope a bunch of fucking tmz fucking narcs into paying 50 bucks to come see me seeing it and i'll never talk about it before that he's in new york i think april 7th the new york date oh yeah we going to sell those things. Selling all in New York. I'll be doing the same act in both places.

But, yeah. And then in the fall, September 11th, starting in Dublin and then going all through the UK. Oh, wait. Hang on. This is important because I can't do this myself. But if you're just a random fan, I think it's hashtag Johnny Depp. God damn it. They have some all these Depp people. They're fucking sorry, but you are weird.

But they're justice for Johnny. Hashtag justice for Johnny. I can't do it, but you can do it. Hashtag justice for Johnny. Get some justice for Johnny. It's a fucking travesty what's happening. No, just fucking...

I just want all the dep heads to fucking come to the show and fuck off with all the TMZ narcs. Can you get me out of here? What is you need to talk about this what's this no i tried to write that down but that guy over there i feel like these are crib notes for no he gave me the fucking he saw me writing on my hand oh i see and now i get the note in my okay um all All right. So that'll do it. That's Swapcast. We've done a...

I haven't... I don't think I've ever done a Swapcast before, so this is kind of fun. We're going to make it. I guess I should plug my... I'm going to plug my dates. Could you please? I'm going to be coming up.

Where am I coming? When is this going to come out? A couple weeks? No, you put it out whenever you want. Oh. I thought you were putting it out also. Yeah, but if you need to put it out whatever you want oh i thought you're putting it out also yeah but if you if you need to put it out they're gonna expire no put it out as soon as i'm coming to spokane put it out right now la jolla san diego denver i love it tacoma we're in denver

the comedy works baby oh i do the i do the oriental but i love that fucking lady wendy curtis yeah she's great chrysler hooked us up i thought she hated me i think everyone hates me yeah fucking joe rogan i thought he hated me maybe we even talked about it he called me on the wave tonight hey you want to do the thing? Oh, yeah? Yeah, I thought you hated me. I think everyone hates me. I have a bad, bad thing. Well, I love you.

I know, because Mikey loves me. Yeah, that's right. That's your character name in the Road Dogg the movie. So the Road Dogg the movie, if you got a hashtag, the Road Dogg. The hashtag. They keep changing the title. We're a hero. We don't have to worry about that.

We'll do this again before the film comes out. And thank you. So anything we could plug for you? Oh. Every hole. Oh, God damn it. I said it. Her Polaroids will be out on Instagram, on Doug's account.

I'm in a film called The Nagal, The Sin Eater, and I get to be the sin eater. It's basically a horror movie, but it's really chilling. I'm not a horror movie person. Yeah. Wait, you're in a movie? You didn't tell me? They premiered it here at- I'm going to fucking give you a strong beating when I get you back

to the fucking Hyde House. Yeah. That's why we broke up. But yeah, it was at the Man's Chinese Theater. And I saw it and I'm a vicious critic of anything that I'm in.

But this was chilling. They did a great job. Oh, very cool. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Dan the Laz was our director, and he's stellar. The crew was amazing.

It was all incredible. And I got to do it right before the shutdown. So I don't know exactly when it's coming out. Okay. It's in a film festival circuit. When people ask when the Road Dogg movie is coming out, Doug replies, hopefully not.

Alright, thanks for listening. Love you. God bless America. Take us out, biggo. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.