The Doug Stanhope Podcast - DSP: Ep.#503 - "I Slipped In Bath"

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Doug's UK / Ireland tour wraps up and he needs to explain what happened in Bath.  Recorded Oct 1st, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" now available in hard copy exclusively at Amazon.com. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Helix Sleep - Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Helix Sleep. How long have you had your mattress? How has your sleep improved? Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses, including a collection of luxury models, a mattress for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash Stanhope. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. You're goddamn right you are. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast 12 and a half hours before kickoff because I am getting to watch football in the funhouse for the first time and for the last time before we go out. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. This one.

You got Thursday night. Yeah, I'll have Thursday night, but this is my first football Sunday, and it's a London game, so it starts at 6.30 a.m. our time, and then the 10 a.m. games, then the 2.30 games, then the 5.30 game. It'll go, that's about, what, 14 hours of football? 14 and a half hours of football? I'm making chili

and tater tots and I don't know if I'll make the afternoon games, but I don't give a shit because I have a bed in front of five TVs of every game a shit because I have a bed in front of five TVs of every game that we

want. And I think this might be our last season of me being able to figure that out because, don't worry, we're going to get to the fucking rest of the UK tour soon, but I think Red Zone is going to be picked up by fucking there's the whole I think they're bailing out the same way is going to be picked up by fucking What? The whole

I think they're bailing out. The same way they have Thursday Night Football on Prime. On Amazon Prime. They're doing the UK one too. So I think the red zone is in play for like they're chopping it up into fucking oh you have to get Paramount

Plus if you want to watch Jacksonville. I have no idea. I just know I'm never going to learn it. And I don't really give a shit about football anymore, except for I like the fact that I'm home to watch football. I haven't cared about it in years, and even

on a losing streak. I lost fucking every bet last week. Anyway, when we left you last, I still had that cough. You used to, and you still do. Well, it went away for that nice chunk of three weeks downtime. I imagine the shape I'd be in if I hadn't taken

most of a month of fairly healthy living before we started for three weeks and then three weeks in the UK. And, this guy we're just talking about sent a letter and some t-shirts from his band. Tommy Two Thumbs said, I don't expect you to remember, guy we're just talking about sent a letter and some t-shirts from his band it's two tommy two

thumbs he said uh i don't expect you to remember i was at your show in detroit that was the show that i first tried edibles on where i took an edible uh house of comedy yeah right down there next to the uh what was the place called it was it the Red Wings? Yes, the Red Wings. Some hockey entertainment thing. That's a beautiful room. Yeah. And you came right out on stage within the first ten minutes and said something. Someone was like, here you go.

No, it wasn't even that. I think it was in the first introductory sentences. Oh, that's right. Because you were like, you couldn't pick a lane. And then, then you just went right to the, who's got the,

listen, you got fucking legal. We, cause the guy that was opening mentioned he was from, uh, Ohio. Cody. Well,

yeah, he had mentioned how we'd legal here, but I don't know whatever it was. It put fucking, yeah, maybe I should try this now. By the way, we've determined you don't believe what anyone says in the green room about what is legal or not. You look it up yourself. Absolutely. Yeah, well, we'll get to that. What you tell them is if you put one foot on the asphalt and one foot on the brake, can't arrest you.

Can't remember. I can never remember that comic's name, but someone will tweet it at me. Well, actually, no one my age or older listens to podcasts, probably. But it was Evan something. probably but it was a evans something yeah i had this great bit that i always quote about getting legal advice from stoners yeah hey if you get pulled over without a uh with an open container all you have to do is put your thumb over the top of that container and they can't look under there without a warrant. That's harassment, dude. There's gold fringe on the flag behind the justice of the peace.

No go. He can't legally write you a ticket. I probably remember more bits from before I did comedy, like other people's bits, or when I first started. Matt Woods was the first headliner I worked with on a Tribble gig. And I could do most of his act. Because comedy was so important then. And it was so thrilling. And you're on the road, and oh my god,

I'm in Missoula, Montana. I'll never be here again! Yeah, and I... And then I get to watch the headliner's whole set, because I don't have to follow him. We I get to watch the headliner's whole set because I don't have to follow him. We'll get to that, too. No, no.

Two times we had to have an opener over there, but other than that... Was it just an emcee or did they do an offstage announce? Offstage. And they went out cold? I did my own offstage.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage your featured performer, Tom Staddle. And I'm halfway onto the stage dragging the backstage mic onto the stage. It's not common over there. I don't know if it is common. I mean, at least at the Fringe Festival no one had an opener people just went out and did their show because they theme their show they have a fucking play written so yeah

I remember it felt weird it felt weird over there when I had an opener like is this not how you do things over here I'm always like like, in my head, not confident. Like, when I'm overseas, like, I never want to be the ugly American. Like, I can't fucking yell at people. I can't go Karen like I like to do in the morning because then it's because I'm American, not because you're a dick.

Because they're wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Or even just I'm an asshole. I'm American, not because you're a dick. Because they're wrong. Yeah. Or even just I'm an asshole. I'm hung over. Don't blame an entire fucking country. You're a covert ugly American.

If they know that you're the ugly American, you've done your job wrong. Because all you want is Subway and be left alone. Subway sandwiches and be left alone. Now that you mention it, I didn't eat Subway once be left alone. Subway sandwiches and be left alone. Now that you mention it, I didn't eat Subway once on that tour. I think there was a time I almost did.

We ate almost exclusively chicken wings, which now, since that high night in Detroit, I'm a changed man. Don't look at me. And plain pizza. Doug, we were sitting at this bar. There might have been like six stools, maybe eight at the most, right? And we've got four of them. And we've got two people on each side. And there's one guy to our right.

We've already told the whole story. But the part about I got high at the Detroit show. And I know Junior was eating chicken wings because he's keto and he can only get, you know, that in some menus and late night bar menus. I'll just eat chicken wings again. I love the taste of buffalo wings. I just hate touching them.

The older I get, the more tactile, is that the word? If it's gross, I don't want to fucking touch it. Much less get it on my face. I came back to the hotel after that high show in Detroit, and I'm eating multiple fucking... I had a messy Marvin face. We had a $50 ribeye.

Yeah. Before the chicken wings. But he was so loaded up on chicken wings. It was all over his face. He was sitting just to my right. But he was, he was so loaded up on chicken wings. It was all over his face. He was sitting just to my right. And he was like, he's a glaze of sauce and blue cheese.

But he's like, he's into it. So he's like enjoying it. And then the guy next to him had ordered a dish of ice cream. Doug's like got chicken wings all over me. He goes, ice cream. I'll do ice cream.

And then I look at him and go, what? And he goes, don't look at me. Don't look at me. This is and he goes don't look at me don't look at me this is in public this wasn't in the room it was like

buffalo sauce and ranch dressing blackface barbecue bakaki. It was everywhere. So, yeah, that's what I... Pizza, plain pizza, fucking chicken wings, and those triangle box sandwiches that they sell at every fucking Sainsbury's and Marks and Spencer.

There's like a whole rack of... In truck stops. Yeah, yeah. They come in a whole rack of in truck stops. They come in a plastic with a cellophane over it and they push all the meat towards the cut so it looks like it's stacked. Yeah, but over there they have a whole fucking, like people live on these. It's not just a, maybe I'll just

eat one of those where there's four kinds and a flying jade. This is a whole row of a fucking Sainsbury's. So I'd smush a fucking Sainsbury's. So I'd smush a fucking ham and cheese down my head if I had to eat something

before the show. But last we left you, we were in Birmingham. That's September 22nd. We were redoing the podcast. I was already counting down the days to where we got back here. When you were in London,

we did the podcast, but you guys were just too high. I like the way you say you guys. Well, no. Fucking Hennigan didn't even talk. He was in the room beside me, so when he did talk, I could hear him through the adjoining door. The one time we have an adjoining door is the time

I have a fucking night off where I can be away from Hannigan. No, I'm right there. The one time. We were talking about that. It was one time. I don't think there was ever in 19 days a hotel with an ice machine.

There was one, I think, with a refrigerator maybe in dublin never a microwave sometimes no elevator fucking gigs to stairs i think we might have talked about this yeah i mean but theaters i mean they, they always have some weird flight. Yeah, so weird flight of stairs that are rickety. And then you go up the stairs and then you go down and then you go down a semi-flight of stairs around a corner. Everything's so fucked over there. But it was fine because we were high every night and a lot of days and nights. We were high every night and a lot of days and nights. Well, that was the Birmingham gig was on the 22nd,

and you chose to record in the morning or in the afternoon. For you. Yeah, morning for us, afternoon for you, then go to the gig, which I didn't like that idea, but it definitely worked better than the other one. Yeah, the other one was, yeah, you told me I was eating throughout it. If I'm eating on a microphone, yeah, I'm fucked. It was so weird because he was like, yeah, I just got like two slices of an apple here. I misunderstood.

I thought you had two slices, like the kid's meal where they got like sliced apples and there's four slices. And I thought, well, how much could he eat? Like this is just two slices. He'll be done in that minute with this squeezed cheese. And an hour later, you're still eating. I'm like, oh, he's like, no, he said he's got a full apple. I was feeling. Two apples.

Two apples. One of my favorite high snacks here is the good cheese or the best they have at Safeway. Good, sharp cheddar cheese, the $10 block. And green apple. Eating them together in thin slices. So over there, I could find a green apple. But the cheese I was finding was not sharp cheddar. So one of the breakfast places had these, like, loaves.

Like mini loaves. these like loaves, like mini loaves. Remember the crackers you used to eat that were like the mini, there were four crackers and then a little of nuclear cheese.

And you had a little red stick. Cracker and cheese coffee. It was like that, but like a sausage link size. So I stole a bunch from the breakfast buffet and two green apples and then that's when I decided to be eight was on that podcast that never

went out I wonder if when I die there'll be a market for all the podcasts we never released especially in the earliest days yeah I don't know where those are. I don't know what a hard drive is. I don't know what size

it is or anything, but Chaley's had hard drives for fucking decades. And he goes, yeah, I'm sure I have that on a hard drive somewhere. Do you even know where? I don't even know how many... How much do we not know about Greg Chaley?

It would fit on three hard drives. How many storage spaces do you have? Yeah. But, you know, I did... When Hennegan... we did the recording here we were

recording on Hennigan's G drives, which are these really robust external drives and when I figured that out from him I go, hey, tell me about that. I just moved everything over so I'd have one big hard drive that has everything on it. Sorry, I'm just pushing that. Culling it down.

Bucket Tommy two thumbs led her over to Tracy's spot so she could... You know when you do send fan mail, that goes out with merch. Don't forget to buy merch and included will probably be fan mail. We may or may not have remembered to read on the podcast and

then it goes out to someone else. So you get my fan mail. So I do have a question that you brought up fan mail. This is regarding merch. Gareth Jones on the Patreon messaged me and says, Guys, please sort out the UK merchandise situation. I have a fucking black sack of money I'm willing to exchange for everything you have. Make it so.

What is the deal with the UK and merchandise? It's because of the vat tax yeah um oh and fucking was shipping wasn't it at least for a while like costing more to ship shit there australia was okay so australia will be back in the loop i'm putting australia back on let me guess first part of 2023 no no that i can do right away i tried to do it on my phone last night my phone that i can do it but um the the minimum shipping to australia during covid was 45 for a cd so now now it's back down to normal so it's like 18 so peter if you're listening to this you're getting your miss athelia on my shirt yeah so yeah why don't you just steal your favorite stuff or get it on iTunes and record it, burn it

onto a CD, and I'll sign your burned copy of your greatest hits of Doug Stano. That would be a good idea. Yeah, except when it's fucking, you're playing to 1,100 people, you can't go out. You can hope to run into

them at a hotel bar. And we're not saying bootleg. Don't bootleg any live shows right now. Yeah, don't bootleg live shows. You're out. No, I would, if people made their own, like, mixtapes of their best stuff, I would be so curious to see what people, like,

what are your 12 tracks? Which is not a good leading thing because... Your tracks are so long. My tracks... Well, the one I hate the most is... Break it up. Is the mental illness stuff

on No Place Like Home. They made it into like four or five tracks. That's one 22-minute bit that you fucking have to ride it out. You know, one thing I've noticed on YouTube, I clicked on one and now I'm seeing them all the time, is people reacting to your 40 inches of AIDS. Yeah, I see.

And it is, it's hilarious. I mean, first of all. We spent an afternoon doing that out here. I don't know who was here, but I remember it was day drinking, and I was laughing my ass off. It was hilarious. And yes, it was black people specifically. Not only.

No, I mean the ones that I was laughing the hardest at. Yeah. And you know what's interesting? This is like, oh, this guy. Oh, I'm going to throw up. And then you watch, you go a little is like, oh, this guy. Oh, I'm going to throw up. And then you watch. You go a little bit further, and then they start laughing. It's like, oh, man.

It's like, yeah. And then one guy goes, what did the one guy say? One guy goes, oh, I get what he's doing here. But he absolutely did not. Because he's like, this is just disgusting. There's no reason to do this. Oh, I get what he's doing here. No, you don't.

I just don't know why he had to do it like that. Yeah. That's why you never play to do this. Oh, I get what he's doing here. No, you don't. I just don't know why he had to do it like that. That's why you never play to the audience. Play to yourself. Make yourself laugh. If you're enjoying your show, you can't control how people are going to take it or understand it. I mean, even someone as simple as headburn i think people probably ran a lot into every joke i see what he's trying to say there no he's saying ridiculous fucking

things really yes it's base it's so base you know what's interesting is in those uh videos on youtube is going down looking at the comments and people just like hey fuck nuts you guys just don't get it it's an acquired taste how come you guys keep jumping on the same videos it's because you're getting clicks because he's got i mean it's like people are basically saying look you're not going to get this because you don't know who he is there's no context to anything that he's doing and you're trying to just cause a reaction but then you're laughing. But when you do a special, or at least when I used to, or people used, with my act is what I'm saying. If I did a special, there could be a callback that made what you thought was wrong right 28 minutes later.

So if you are only watching a six-minute clip, you missed the setup. You missed the setup. You missed the fucking arc. You missed the fucking the litter in between that was necessary to make it go that way. And that's another thing, because we're going to break here shortly.

And then we'll get into the fucking troublesome fucking travails and travels home. Yeah. I forget what the fuck I said. I think you made your point. Yeah, we'll take a break, because I

have to get back into Birmingham, which is exactly where I was starting with that anyway Anyway, please hold. Hey, Helix Sleep. Three interminable weeks on the road in the UK with nothing on my mind other than getting home to crawl into my Helix mattress and watch Thursday night football. I have a mattress in the funhouse now for football that annoys everyone because it's where their comfortable chairs used to be to watch football. Now they can sit at the bar and I'm sleeping in my goddamn Helix mattress for this entire football season. We are lousy with Helix mattresses. This whole estate is full of Helix

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But at one time, that Birmingham show, because as far as i'm concerned of the the 12 gigs we were high the entire time except for dublin and the first night in nottingham when we got the fucking giant bag of cookies which were homemade so you have no idea the dosage like you do now that they're legal. It's like one beer could be 2% alcohol and the next one is 30% alcohol. Yeah, that's

the problem. I have a question about Birmingham before you start. You're at this O2 Academy. There's a couple of them, O2 Academy, showing up here. What does that mean? O2 Academy? It's like the brand name. It's O2. Like a funny bone? O2 Academy? It's like the brand name. It's O2. Like a funny bone?

Yeah. But it's a theater? It's a theater with a balcony. It's a theater. It's not like an improv or a funny bone where they look alike because they're all from between 1400 and fucking the new one from 1812.

I'm sure there's probably some new ones that don't fucking come at me. So I remember reading of the 12 shows we did high, I think I was 10 and 2 as far as I'm concerned. And then Birmingham, like one

tweet I read where I quit reading tweets yet again. Yeah, he was so hammered in Birmingham he forgot some punchlines. All your punchlines?

Your first show? Doug Stanoff's show? The only time that I'm succinct whatsoever is in a special. Otherwise, there's notes. There's going fucking off. Half. I think the next special, I'm going to just film the way I do a regular show. Like one without doing a cheater.

Yeah, and I have that set. I don't know if I showed you the picture of what I was doing. I'll tell you later. But I go, yeah, I should just know if I showed you the picture when I was doing, I'll tell you later. But I go, yeah, I should just do what I'm doing. This is when I was writing in a hotel lobby, which you've seen. Which is not fucking on a

laptop or on a phone. We talk about it. Grand Rapids where you're spread out. Yeah. Notepads. Fucking cocktail napkins. Everything. Okay. If I get this into the main notebook and the more i crumple up paper and throw it away the better i'm getting because i'm condensing this into one readable source and then i rewrite the set list every night with whatever's new

how would the only way you would know that i forgot a punchline on stage is if I told you that, which I always do. I always do that fucking director's commentary in my head on stage. Ah, fuck. I know there's more to this bit, but I can't remember it. So I'm going to move on. I'm going to cut this bit out because it's boring. Like, I'll go, you know, I was going

to do that, but no. And people go, do it! I'm editing on your behalf. I am not like, oh, this is too racy to do. I'm not a fucking hack that's trying to shill you into being responsible

for a really dirty bit. Oh, this one's too dirty for people. I should do do it. Okay, you asked for it, so it's your fault. No, I'm editing out the shit that either I think you'd find boring or I'm too bored with to sell

enough for you to believe it's fun. In the moment. Right. So, yeah, but again, that one fucking Twitter comment, I'm like, I'm off this. I'll sit and fucking fight with you. A younger me would sit and go, what the fuck do you know about comedy, douchebag? I'd go through your permanent record. I'd find everything out about you.

I'd read every tweet or retweet or response you ever wrote. I'd call you fat. I'd tell you your fucking kid's a pig and it should have died in the womb. Stuff like that when I was young. That's the nice stuff. Yeah. I lost my

first Hotmail account. Fucking, my first ever email account for basically the stuff you get thrown off Twitter now. I hope your fucking kid fucking, my first ever email account for basically the stuff you get thrown off Twitter now. I hope your fucking kid dies and stuff. Yeah, don't say the fucking

name of my original hot male. Laser wing. So, Birmingham. Yeah, anyway, so, as far as I was concerned, it was a win. I do have a comment from a Hammersmith show. That was the first one.

Yeah, that's the one I bitched about already. Yeah, but someone said, Paul Scaley says he was at the Hammersmith show. He enjoyed it. Shouting wasn't too bad. I think everyone misheard the heckler. He wasn't saying do jokes about the queen. Because he wasn't saying that. I think he was overzealous.

He was an overzealous Burt Kreischer. He said queen more than once. Oh, he's trying to make a joke. I think he was an overzealous Burt Kreischer fan saying do the machine. Uh-huh. Oh, I see. Another person said it was excellent fun despite the shouty drunks and the machine. Uh-huh. So he's trying to... Oh. Oh, I see. Another person said it was excellent fun

despite the shouty drunks and the audience. It's a fucking 1,000-seater, so I couldn't hear the shouty drunks because they're always fucking cowards in their fucking cheap seats. So, yeah, you might have been closer to me where you go, it's not bothering me,

where other people are going, I couldn't fucking hear a word. The guy fucking tried to glass me when I told him to shut up. Ghost Dribble says that people were singing your praises all the way back to Victoria Station on the 2. They were singing what? Your praises. Oh.

They all took the same subway or tram or pants and cab. I'm just saying, there were two where I felt that they, like, I didn't, like, there's, I'm sure there's ones I felt were solid victories because I played to me and not you, reaction video guy. I should have fucking tapered down for dealing with 3,000 people not expecting a house that size to just roll with the intimacy that I made in my head. That was the first

one. The second one. The second London show. It was a different location. No, I'm saying since our last podcast, that's the show I was talking about. Then you did Glasgow. Yeah, Glasgow's always fucking great and just so filthy. It never changes.

Someone had a comment about that one, too. Gareth says, that was not performing on Mirror Crumbs last night. He was so high, and he was absolutely on fire. Awesome show, and none of the audience got stabby. That's a win. I know. No fights whatsoever. Manchester was polite. Glasgow, no fights whatsoever.

And that's when I was saying, you don't know when I miss my punchlines. Well, you don't know the new ones I'm coming up with in the fucking moment either. Yeah, I'm fucking high if it if it's going well oh i'm hitting fucking beats i never thought of i'm connecting shit you have no idea you weren't

sitting with me in the fucking lobby putting this shit together over a lot of caffeine when i was taking all those notes going oh fuck now i can now I can see it. This does go here, and that brings this fucking back in. So we get through Leeds. It was fantastic. Then you had two nights off. And you know how nights off can be. Did you go straight to Bath from Leeds? So you had two nights in the hotel?

Or three nights, actually. to Bath from Leeds, so you had two nights in the hotel? Or three nights, actually. Yeah, the next morning we went from Leeds to Bath. So we had the Sunday off. It's like four and a half hours.

Whatever it was. It's a train. Maybe, I don't know. I can't remember. There were so many fucked up things on the tour. But even though this was the best tour we've done in the uk there were times where okay our train connection just canceled so we're gonna actually have to take i think that's what happened with bath our connection in bristol canceled or i don't fucking know one of those times it's a short hop from bristol i'm looking at a map right now. It's a short hop from Bristol

to a map. So it's something you could do with a town car. Yeah, a town car. Jesus. Smart cars are a limo over there. I thought you said you got a town car. Two times. A professional driver.

Okay. We saw a Bisbee-sized pickup truck once. It went, what? How the fuck do you fit down these roads? It's a regular... Something that a Trump flag would be flying

out of the back of. Not a monster truck, just a fucking large, regular... Full-size truck. So we get to Bath, and you know the fucking night's off. Sometimes you're desperate for it until it comes, and then you're like,

why didn't we just work tonight? I have nothing to do. Because the night before your night off, you get fucking tanked because tomorrow you have off. And now the whole time, I think I had maybe two hangovers the whole time we were there because of the edibles.

So when you say he was hammered and forgot his punchline, now if I was hammered, I wouldn't be talking about this right now. I'd go, what happened? Yeah, there was no booze shakes, no fucking problems, and then eating a cookie during the train ride. Who gives a fuck if we take a car or a train for the second half? It was very nice. Ryan was the one that was fucking flipping out the whole time

because all the problems were management problems. It's like if you had a fucking Indonesian soccer riot at the fucking merch booth while I'm up there just enjoying my show, that's not my problem. And I never really thought about it until the end. At one point after that, he goes, do we have a problem? Because you said some things to me.

This is a fucking... But I was probably saying it fucking cunty. Greg Chaley. Can I get like... Whatever. It was business stuff. But I shouldn't have been talking about business after I was eating fucking cheese and apples

out of an old sock in my bag that I stole from a hotel room days before. The apple's going to be good forever. It aged. So it was a Sunday, the last Sunday, that we got our first night off in Bath, where I go, oh, we can go find a bar. Belushi's in Bath. It's a college bar.

It's a chain. I don't know if it has anything to do with Jim Belushi. It's not themed like Jim Belushi. It's just called Belushi's. But they have fucking Red Zone. It's not a big bar, but they had a bunch of booths that had a TV in your own booth, and they had Red Zone or NFL package.

They could put on whatever game you wanted. So Hennegan and I watched red zone and eight chicken wings. Hi. And, uh, that was nice. But then the full day off the Monday, I woke up and that was one of the hangover days where I'm like,

I just, and I'm so close to leaving. This is the last show. I just want to get this over with. I just want to sleep. I want a Seroquel. I didn't travel with them. Did you bring Xanax? Yeah. You did. Okay.

And Benadryl which Benadryl fucking works and neck Benadryl fucking works just as well half the time and the fuck I think I tweeted a picture of that

I mean God bless the folks at the travel lodge in Bath they have a bar and cafe but I ordered something, and I've become like keto over there, where there's only a couple things I'll be able to eat on my diet, meaning stuff I could swallow.

I'm not on a diet, but everything is so gross. And again, it's one of those things where, okay, it's, is that a chicken breast? Well, it's got fucking mint, garlic,

aioli, and fucking, oh, mango chutney. The worst thing in the world. It's just everything that ruins. Do you have something normal? Well,

they didn't have, they showed me, oh, I ordered something. She goes, oh, the have. They showed me. Oh, I ordered something. She goes, oh, the chicken finger. Chicken fingers. No, not fingers. Wings.

I ordered that. Oh, yeah. We're out of that. Here's the menu. She shows me the menu that's been redacted. Oh, you did show a picture of that. That was amazing. And then.

Like a CIA document? Yeah. It was all blacked out. All sharpies. Don't even let them see what they had an option to have. Well, the option was pizzas, which they had a fucking sandwich board, chalkboard. When you walk into the bar cafe in the hotel, it says brick oven, oven homemade pizzas yeah so yeah uh we'll just get a margarita pizza and then i went outside to smoke and i came back in and the girl's talking

to brian hennigan with a terrified look on her face they don't have any pizzas. Oh, okay. And I ordered a margarita, which is, we call a plain pizza or a cheese pizza. They call it. So if they don't have a margarita pizza, they probably don't have pepperoni or the other kinds. And she's like, I'm so sorry.

She was terrified because she saw us taking pictures of the redacted menu. That's pretty much only pizza is left. Okay, let's just get it. Do you have the celery sticks that come with buffalo wings? No, we don't give you celery

sticks with buffalo wings here. They'll give you ranch dressing. It's the stuff that's out of a packet you get at a fucking truck stop like that. It's not ranch dressing at all. It's like stuff that's out of a packet you get at a fucking truck stop. It's not ranch dressing at all. It's like forever ranch dressing. Like in a pouch. It has blue spots in it that they found something blue.

You know, really shitty ranch dressing. Like at Wendy's when you get one of their shitty little salads. Feel like you're eating right. Yeah, it's not fucking Marie Callender's. It's not Ken's Steakhouse blue cheese. Right. No, and they'll drizzle it on for you. They don't give you a side of it that you can dunk in.

They drizzle it on the top. This is how much fucking condiment you get with your fucking... And some of the wings weren't bad. There was a couple that were terrible, but more often than not, they were fucking delicious. Get through the night off. I've been looking at our upcoming tour, and there's some nights off where I go, There's actually nights that we should have off that we don't, but Brian didn't want to give us too much time off.

have off that we don't, but Brian didn't want to give us too much time off. I go, oh, I'd rather sit in a fucking jankiest fucking bed bug. What was that place? No, we wouldn't. I then fucking

play that not comedy friendly venue. Alright, there's one of those. It's been a while. We'll see. Oh, it's been a while. So there's one it's been a while we'll see oh it's been a while so there's two I woke up I prepared so hard

for this bath show like I was I took the Monday gently I woke up on Tuesday for the show night, leaving to Heathrow in the morning. And I spread my shit out because no one's in the bar cafe because they don't have anything. Perfect. And I spread my shit out and I worked for four or five hours drinking tea and coffee over there.

They don't have a bun coffee pot anywhere. To make coffee, you have to ask for it. They make a little tiny cup. They use a Keurig? If you order it from the bar, if you do it in your room, they have...

I don't know. I never drank coffee over there. I got it from the bar in Dublin the first night. They send you a little cup of way too strong coffee. Espresso. It's a lot of time it's freeze-dried. No, no. It's an Americana. Freeze-dried.

That's what I used to get was freeze-dried. Sanka, can I get a Sanka, please? Anyway, so I drink tea if I'm doing coffee over there with milk and two sugars per cup. But you pour as much water as you want. It's great. It's delicious. Yeah, it's way too much sugar.

I swear, if I don't have diabetes after that three weeks, because they don't know how to fucking make a drink, or they do if they do. I was telling you, you can order a usual. A vodka soda with a splash of crayon is the usual in the funhouse for most people. They would charge you for the fucking vodka,

which you want to double. And then for the soda water bottle, they had to open the small bottle. And for the small cranberry juice. Not everywhere, but I've had it happen a lot. So I'm like, I'm not ordering

the weakest drink. Like I did the bit about the measure is down to the fucking steam coming off of it. You can't sniff more than a fucking ounce and a half. If it's an ounce and a half. Might be an ounce. So I would drink cider during pre-show.

Pints of cider. And I'm eating shit. I'm eating pizza. And I'm drinking pints of cider before a show. Because I know how much it is and how much alcohol is in it. And then pizza and box sandwiches and Nary a vitamin. I didn't even use my fucking water pick on the road. No.

I mean, I did brush my teeth, but you got to travel water pick. And I'm like, the plumbing plumbing so fucked that i don't want to put it in my bag like on the road with us when we have the van i can put my regular water pick in its own bag so if it's leaking because there's no way to properly drain the fucking thing before you're running out to the car i put it in its own bag in a laundry bag and it can't leak over there no you're going to go fucking walk down 15 flights of stairs to a train station that says your

platform is up 20 flights of stairs that way through a fucking weird conundrum of corridors. So it's Salt Lake City Airport? No. Salt Lake City Airport. This is the bit that I did. The difference between New York and London, which I

hate equally, but New York makes sense. If you're on 76th Street, the next block is going to be 77th Street. They're in a fucking straight line grid where London is fucking throwing spaghetti against the wall and then we'll just base the roads off what sticks and what fucking

angle. what sticks and what fucking angle. I forgot my punchline. I was so fucking high on this show. Everything was coming together. Four cups of tea and it's about 2.30 in the afternoon.

2.40, let's say so you don't say oh time to go to the chinese dentist oh fucking brendan walsh has ruined so many things in our life brendan walsh like 15 years ago you go oh where where I leave my phone? Did you see my phone? And he'd go, did you say phone or foam? And that's still, you can't say, have you seen my phone, without one of us saying, and the same with, I had, like, I had, like, all, because we wanted a front load so Brian could film, like, all the shit I had written about just London itself. All the throwaway stuff, so we can put it out. He's doing all the fucking Instagram videos.

He won't be anytime soon, so don't wait for that. He's on vacation somewhere in the fucking Mediterranean. So, yeah, I don't think he'll be doing a lot of editing. And there's at the Travelodge we've been there for two days now and the day I'm writing

I go out to smoke out front and every time I go out there's another fan that's traveled to Bath, England, to see the show. And very polite. No one was goofy or anything. Let me write. But, like, you get to the point where, Brian, let's just get to the gig early because now is just everyone staying in this hotel is here for the show i'm trying to i'm going over this uh had my ciders

and i told brian i i was telling people like hey we're looking forward to tonight's show i go it's gonna be a good one. I was that confident. I was like, bits. I'm like, finally, they're coming together. I had all the upfront shit, all the local reference shit, you know, queen, dead stuff, everything. And I told Brian in the green room, I go, what I have to look out for is, because I've written this to an enthusiastic audience. And if they go, when we used to go over there anyway, the first show,

everyone is so polite that you think you're dying. And it took me several trips to realize, no, that's just how they react. They're not all going, Fucking stand up! Yeah, fuck yeah! Like, you come out to applause. And I went out to, because the old place we used to play in Bath was this fucking, again, 12th century, I don't know. I don't know if it's in my head

or if there was an actual podium in this old wooden fucking just yeah it's a wooden benches inside a brick fucking thing where a professor would be giving some kind of like pews or like house of parliament from what i remember it was awful like that so yeah it's. Uncomfortable. It's remembering a dream. I know it's awful. I can't put it into words for you. And it was one of the original, I thought we said never again for the UK to Brian, but that's all I could get. Now they have a proper venue, which is also a fucking big theater, which I hate.

So I went out and it was tepid, and I fucking did all the opening shit, and I was writing the whole time in the green room that I'm there early. I'm adding stuff in, and I'm telling myself out loud to Brian, stop fucking writing more jokes. You spent all day, but now my head's going with it. And, yeah, it just never really recovered it was one of the worst shows and the worst like i felt after a show

when you grade it on what my expectations were and what it was i did over two hours that night i think probably just befuddled that it's not going well at all and then afterwards you're like did i forget to do punchline like is the guy in birmingham right uh i didn't eat any more weed that I know of than I normally do. I ate it a little bit later. But, yeah, even the stuff that I know is going to kill is getting. It was the last show. Usually you prepare for that.

And that's going to be the first show and you're used to it. And this seemed to be the first show and you're used to it and this seemed to be the first show where people were just yeah it's a tuesday night in a little quaint town that's not a city and maybe you did travel from somewhere to be because people like to go to bath it's the only city that we ever tour that i look forward to but only comparison. You have to do the whole tour to enjoy Bath at the end because if I just played Bath, I would go, this sucks. I hate

coming over here. But once you've done the fucking ones you hate, Birmingham. That's not a gig I hate. It's a city. We used to have to stay down at the fucking train station bus station hotel because we're getting a train the next day this time we stayed at the airport because we're going to glasgow i'm like oh there's a big

difference when you don't have to be scared to walk out to get your triangle box sandwich. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. So, I walk off the stage, and Brian doesn't have a fucking game face. When you Well, you sucked. You sucked. And he's like, I don't think you want to listen back to that.

Oh, God. I'm sure it just got more desperate as it went on. What the fuck? And then I sleep in my suit, because I have a fucking... I was gonna leave after the show and go straight to Heathrow

because it's a two-hour drive. If I'm going to leave in the morning, why don't I just go stay at the Yotel that I love at Heathrow, which was closed last time I went through. COVID, right? Yeah.

I don't want to fucking travel in the middle of the night. You try to do last-minute packing drunk. I slept in my suit i woke up i had a 3 25 p.m flight out of heathrow and this is what i was focused on anytime i was negative it's only this many days till i have a flight in delta one because I used a global upgrade that they give me all these upgrades but you can never use them. These fucking coupons, but you have to

be the points guy to figure out how they work. But I found how to work one so I got the upgrade from Heathrow to Salt Lake, which is about a 12-hour flight in a lay-down seat. And I go, I'm not missing this fucking flight. Wake up at 6 a.m., eat my last half of fucking cookie.

They bled the bag perfectly from the beginning to the end. A special cookie. Yeah. And Hennigan's not flying with you, right? No. He was leaving on vacation from there. But he woke up and hung out with me. I woke up early for the free breakfast.

I'm up hours early. I have my bags in the fucking lobby, drinking cider and smoking cigarettes, waiting for the car. It's scheduled for 9 a.m. Didn't get there till like 9.20. When you schedule a car the night before and it's 20 minutes late,

that could be your fucking flight. I was going to be leaving at 9 to be at Heathrow at 11. So by 11.45, four hours early, I could be in the Sky Club, which they share with Virgin. The Heathrow Sky Club

is fucking the imaginatorium of Sky Clubs. It's got a game room up a half flight of stairs, which I didn't do. I was tired of the stairs. But with a pool table and five screens, and then if you go up the other half of flight, you can walk out and stare at the runway on a balcony. You order off a menu. This is the place that used to have a hair salon and a massage place. Last time I was there, but COVID killed all that. But it's still this immense.

I'm getting there as early as possible. I don't need to sleep late and bath. I'm out there fucking hours early, up early, going out to smoke and drink cider, where everyone who was at the show last night at the Travelodge is either coming out to smoke and giving me the, hey, that whole thing about you're only as good as your last show, if you're a fucking civilian and you just think that's a cute phrase it is brutal and to sit the next morning with my fucking trench coat over my stupid suit that i've slept in and having all these people that i told oh it's gonna be a good one tonight and they don't want

to make eye contact or they say something like how did you feel about it? Just get me the fuck out of here. That just 20 minutes late that car was just get me out. And then the stink is on me. I've taken a fucking cookie and a Xanax and I fell asleep as soon as the car got there. And there's problems with that.

And Hennigan has to talk to the guy and figure out. He's like, they don't have a fucking GPS. We had cabs. Fucking, I forget where it was. Whatever fucking town. Regular cab. Oh, wait, you don't have cash?

We don't take credit cards. I think we talked about that. I think that's Cardiff. Wasn't it Cardiff? It happened a couple times. Hennigan says this guy doesn't have GPS. He did actually have GPS of some sort. Yeah, phone.

Yeah, but all I know is Hennigan's yelling and now he's just, alright, get in the car and I... Wait, Hennigan's yelling at the... No, he's yelling at me after he's been talking to the guy who doesn't know his fucking ass from nowhere and I just get in the car.

I've had a fucking pint of cider, not too much that I have to piss on a two-hour drive, but enough to kick the fucking Xanax and cookie, and I put my book on tape and my little earplugs, and then I drifted off in and out of sleep. Eye mask. drifted off in and out of sleep, eye mask. And then I wake up, as we commonly do as old men, knowing what time it is.

I remember saying this to Chaley. He goes, yeah, I do that all the time. I wake up, I know it's probably 620. Right. And when I told Chaley, he's like, yeah, I do that all the time.20. Right. And when I told Jaylee, he's like, yeah, I do that all the time. Like, you're no big deal. Why are you talking to me? Trying to fucking do grout work.

It's 6.15. You woke me up five minutes early. And I knew that as soon as I took off my eye mask, we're not fucking anywhere near Heathrow. I don't know your roads, but I know when you're near Heathrow, it tells you signs on the highway. 45 minutes or an hour out this way to Heathrow, this way to Heathrow. And I'm not seeing signs.

And I say to the guy uh how far are we evidently i'd slept through a fucking burning car wreck that we were stuck in fucking stopped traffic we're an hour and 45 minutes late then we get close to heathrow and we're in stopped traffic and i go what's going because this guy's not filling me in. Like a cab driver would normally tell you, hey. No, he's not saying anything. Because as soon as I realized where I should be at Heathrow, I should be drinking a fucking whiskey sour in the Virgin Atlantic Delta One Sky Club.

No, I'm sitting here and I'm starting to have to piss. He's not filling me in. We get to stop traffic at Heathrow and he keeps like, he'd see the traffic or then cones lined up blocking off a street, get back on the freeway, try to get in another angle to Heathrow.

That's fucked. And he goes, it was like this last night. I won't do the accent because I'm not doing the right accent at all. Whatever. Seek. Who has any idea? He had this giant fucking bulbous head and a crease between

his nose and eyebrow like Greg Gutfield only with this fucking giant fucking crow's nose and he looked like Jay. What was it? Jay from, uh, uh, Jay. God damn it.

He was on Last Comic Standing. He's the comedian. Jay London. Jay London. He looked like if Jay London was Middle Eastern and not a helpful driver. We get that close and I go, what? He goes, it was like this last night. Uh, this might take three hours from where you're at now yeah at like at the exits to heathrow and i said how far is it

distance and he said about two miles but this is and then you could see nothing's moving i saw people on the sidewalk with roller bags i'm like i might have to fucking try to hoof two miles i'm gonna miss my flight the only thing that i was refusing to fucking miss and i and i saw the sign, open left-hand fucking exit to Terminal 4, I go, why don't you just take me to Terminal 4? I've been to Heathrow enough. Heathrow is a city. It's an entire fucking city. So you take, when I was over there with, what's your name? We did the Heathrow booze cruise because we were there a day early to stay at the hotel.

And then we just take the train forever. Just getting between trains takes forever to get from the terminal to the train. And then we'd go to the terminal and drink every bar at Terminal 3. And then we're going to go to Terminal 2 and then Terminal 4 and 5. Yeah, it took a whole afternoon evening to do that. But drop me at terminal four. I got the fucking train. I got finally to the Sky Club with enough time to drink

three doubles in about 25 minutes and order a sandwich that sucked, of course. And then steal an orange and an apple for the plane. And then I get on the plane and I lay down and I don't know if I even

I'm sure I got one drink on the plane because I remember recognizing the glass. Oh, this is a Delta glass. And then I was in and out of sleep for fucking 12 hours. That was the plan. You were going to get on the plane and then just fall asleep

until you hit Salt Lake. Yeah. Were you waking up for their meals and stuff like that? Yeah, I always have an eye, ear out for the meal coming by. And I'm sure I probably had a couple cocktails, but I was just, like, so miserable. Just the depression, the stink of, yeah. Can I do some time on the intercom? Because I need a laugh. Because the stink of this bath show is like stultifying.

I couldn't even enjoy my Delta 1 seat. And then I had to switch in Salt Lake, which again requires this fucking Salt Lake City airport is the fucking worst. You're a fucking embarrassment. Whoever's in office, vote them out. Whoever approved that airport. And this is the new and improved. I'm not. We've talked about it.

And then I got back to Tucson. The Chaley's picked me up, stayed at our regular hotel, which is a closer walk than one terminal at Salt Lake City. It's closer for me to leave the plane in Tucson, walk down, get my bags, and then walk to my fucking hotel than it is to get from fucking A25 to A4 in your fucking... And then let's not talk about the... I'd stay downtown Tucson

if we're going to talk about that underpass in your airport. You fucks. I hate you with every crooked disc in my spine. I... fucks. I hate you with every crooked disc in my spine. I don't know how forlorn I looked when you picked me up, but I didn't even have a drink at the hotel

bar. I do remember doing the opening bits for you. I was that still upset about the show. I did my act against your will. Like all the shit I had written that day, all the

fucking new tags I had written for just the local reference-y shit that was fucking good. And then I drifted off into sleep for three hours and then woke up with both of you snoring in fucking different rooms.

When you got in the hotel room, you like went right to bed. Like you were still wearing the pants that you were wearing for three weeks in the UK. And you fell down and your shoes were off. That was it. Oh, you took my shoes off. I took your shoes off.

I was laying face down in a fucking suicide suit. And I figured we had a suite, so you've got a private room or a door to shut. I figured, oh, he's out. And within not even 10 minutes, you came out and then you started doing the bits to try and just remember that you did know how they went. Yes. However, to make you feel better about the time you spent. I still have that fucking set

written out, thank God. I don't even want Brian Hennigan to put that out now, because I think a lot of that shit will still fly for a couple weeks at the beginning of our tour. Yeah. Or he can always burn it after.

He's going to be gone till we're on tour over in I was gonna say the Middle East Mediterranean and then I get home and I crawled into bed and that was the fantasy that I had to

I don't want to say like being in prison, because it's nothing like being in prison. But it is in my mind. Don't get ahead of yourself. Just focus. We have a day off here. Okay. You're going to get a good pizza at this place.

These chicken wings have actual buffalo sauce. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was looking at my notes uh yeah no the the dream was i know i'm gonna get home thursday morning i'm gonna be able to sleep in the funhouse bed and watch fucking the dolphins and the bangles two of the prettiest uniforms in the league my own goddamn bet it's thursday night football. No one's going to come over. And they did the retro, or the different... The white and black.

And I put $50 on the Dolphins, and I lost yet another bet. Oh, my lock of the week for tomorrow is Dallas over the Commanders. I think it's three and a half. Well, this goes out on

Tuesday for Patreon, Wednesday for... Yeah, someone's going to fucking look it up. Oh, goddamn it. I have sleep. All right. Junior's not going to be on this leg of the tour. I had to fire him.

Not really. But yeah, there's only fire him. Not really. There's only four seats in the van. Bingo is going to come for part of this tour. That means I'm going straight up UK style. No opener. Except for

Sam Talent, I know, is going to be in Savannah. Hello! He's perfect for that gig. The Wormhole? The Wormhole. Oh, shit. He's big. We need backup.

No, he says he tried to get the Wormhole. He says it's a lot. We were there like 12 years ago, and it was one of the worst gigs ever. ago, and it was one of the worst gigs ever. Not the response, but the shithole punk rock small dive sticky jack booth

in a porn shop kind of environment. Rats in our green room. Our green room was where the hot hose was, where they would clean out the mats. So it was all steamy would clean out the mats. So it was all steamy and gross on the floor.

And rats. And chain link fence. Chain link fence with occasionally a rat or a fucking stumble bum walking by in a bad neighborhood where there was a liquor store next door that we went to for cigarettes or liquor before the show. And it was the thickest plexiglass with a hole drilled through. They spin a Lazy Susan that lets them not get shot. Yeah, but it's homemade plexiglass. It wasn't even installed by the company. Well, now, after COVID,

you've got a lot of technology. They're just ahead of the game. Yeah, they just had it figured out. So Sam, he texts me, you know, you've got a lot of technology. They're just ahead of the game. Yeah, they just had to figure it out. So Sam, he texts me, he says, hey, I'm going to be in, I don't know what the dates are. Savannah is October 25th. Yeah, he said, I'm going to be in Savannah on the 25th or 6th, whatever. Were they the 25th? Yes.

Yeah. So he says, I'm going to be there the 26th. Do you need an opener for the 25th? I go, oh, actually that's the day after. Whatever. However, I was just fucking with him. Actually, I'm there the day before

you, so that won't work. Just fucking with his bad math. So, yeah, he will be great opening but he just he he told me a story where he had just had the exact same show i had in bath where he was in his hometown nothing could possibly go wrong and fucking suck show and i go you have to understand i've just over a couple of days gone from suicidal to back to i'm only just gonna quit comedy altogether to being okay with this as soon as i get another show so i get it so we did have a nice moment because i don't have enough comics around me brian hennigan is not the fucking soothing shoulder.

He'd just go, well, all my shows were terrible. I don't know why you're complaining. I used to do this too and I never had a good night, so what's your problem? So, yeah. There's no one traveling with us on the road.

We pick up some fucking scrubs along the way. The local ones will find you if you need. Virginia's the only state we're playing where there's legal weed, but I think I might take a break from that. Except in Virginia. Yeah, we'll probably have to get high in Virginia before the show. I don't know. I don't know if I'm queered off of the marijuana because of...

We'll see. I mean, on stage. Yeah. We'll see. A fucking wormhole. You think I'm... Oh, yeah. I mean, these are shows where I'm having bad shows for fucking 1,200 or fucking 3,000 people. The Wormhole, I'll take some chances.

Or wherever. I don't think there's one. I mean, Atlanta's respectable. You know, I was looking at Savannah, and The Wormhole, I don't think, was our worst gig for Savannah. We played at that place above Montehari's. The Dually Piano Bar? The piano show with the big, huge picture windows. I don't remember the show necessarily being bad at the Wormhole.

The venue was this fucking jizz box. When I'm complaining about the hygiene... When the rats are complaining about the headliner. So, yeah, I guess that's a podcast. We walked Bingo, so I guess it wasn't that interesting. Bingo back on the road. So only for the second half. Oh, and

Tarek, we don't want to talk about that. He's got a new gig that he's going to intersect with us at one point. We might be able to do something with him on the road. Because we're going to meet up with him. Yeah, he's working on it. I know, but we have wheels.

We can go to him. But I'll work that out. I think that would be fun. I'll bring the equipment for that. Yeah. Yeah, and there's a lot of gigs on this. Go ahead. Do you want to run through? You have notes.

Yeah, we got. Did you have questions and shit? We start October 10th in Huntsville. The one show that I know is absolutely sold out right now is Asheville, North Carolina at the Great Eagle. Oh, we love that gig. I think there's, I think, Dead Crow or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's in Wilmington. I wonder

if that's, because I know it's not the place that we taped from across the street, which we've played there ever since, which was upstairs at a weird kind of theater, and it had a balcony. My old girlfriend, Lisa, from across the street, which we've played there ever since, which was upstairs at a weird kind of theater, and it had a balcony. My old girlfriend, Lisa, came out.

And then we went to an open mic in an underground place. We might be at that place. I don't know. It says here, Dead Crow Comedy Room in Wilmington. Tickets are sold out online, but they're going to have a limited number of tickets that they release night of the show. So check that out. Yeah, if you're near a venue and it says sold out, just show up because

eventually... I was surprised at how many... You have to understand this fucking tour in the UK, we were... Some of those venues were sold out when we put tickets on sale in... 2019. Yeah, 2019. When we were leaving the two shows in Seattle at the Neptune,

the guys from Brown Paper Tickets were there. And they do the international tickets as well. And they were like, yeah, everything's all good to go for the UK. And it was like, is there something? Five minutes later. Well, we really don't know i mean it's it's a go until they say not to and then the next day everything just just let's keep in mind i looked up the numbers that was like march 9th or something 8th and 9th i think was

the uh what when the cancel my first show the two days after that, or that show. Only 11 people had died of COVID in the United States. 11 before they were canceling fucking shows, my whole tour going down the drain. Seattle was already out of hand sanitizer and masks. That was funny. The second night, because we did two nights, and masks. That was funny. The second night, because we did two nights, one night. You only do one show a night.

So the second night, you still had your watch on a different time zone. Oh, yeah. And I'm telling the guy on stage to stretch, and I'm trying to call Doug, but he's still up in the hotel room with his pajamas on. Looking down at the Jupiter from our hotel room. I wonder how they're doing.

Still made it. I know. We're coming back to Seattle, too, I think. I find out. Pacific Northwest is going to be... I find out from tweets or emails where I'm... Hannigan doesn't call me and go, okay, we booked this. He just puts it out.

He says I'm working on stuff. I'm not completely in the dark. Half the time he tells me shit I forget. You don't need to know every little new show. I have no idea when I'm in Seattle. Is it before Australia? No, there's

Australia's February 18th and you've got three shows. There's going to be more dates. I think he did say Brisbane is the first show, but there might be a smaller private show, not an intimate show before that. But there will be more Australian dates. And then Canada

also in 2023. Mumbai Beach or some shit. I think we did that before Brisbane. There was a bunch of fucking surfers heckling me and I was... That's why you do those shows, but that's why I don't. I go to a shitty place to work out material in front of a fucking shit audience. I can work it out in front of my own crowd.

They accept me, except for the few turds. We are doing a new place for us in, obviously, Huntsville. We've been there before. Nashville, Zanies. Okay, let's go. So we're going back to the tour we're about to do in October. But Knoxville,

we're doing the Bijou Theater. All right. And that's before a night off. I'm excited about that one. And then, you know, improv, Funny Bones. You did mention Dead Crow. We'll be back at New Brooklyn Tavern

in West Columbia. Yeah. Yeah. Just go to Dexville, Atlanta. Yeah. It's going to be crazy. Yeah. Atlanta.

New venue. New venue. Remember we did the... It's been a long time since we've been to Atlanta. Remember Atlanta? We did that relapse where the guy was fixing the air conditioner. That's when I bought fucking Carlos and Junior and Bingo, those stupid suits.

We all had those suits. Yeah, you. And the air conditioning was fucked, so it was the end of summer. To be fair, it was a swamp cooler that he thought was going to completely cool an entire fucking theater. I think that held like fucking 400 or something.

And it was just like. Berkham yoga fucking hot. Yeah, hot yoga. Absolutely. That kind of. Yeah. Like just standing backstage. We're like, I don't know if I can keep standing.

I had my pimp suit slacks rolled up past the knee and I had the Bernard Arringer haircut and the mustache and I remember getting that runner's high I was sweating so much in the polyester suit that I remember feeling like

I feel great I think I've got some heat exhaustion going on here God damn it the fucking list of Atlanta places we've played It's like, well, I think I've got some heat exhaustion going on here. But yeah, so we're at Buckhead. God damn it. The fucking list of Atlanta places we've played that always have stories. Atlanta, like the Bad Earl. I think they just called it the Earl, but the Bad Earl.

And then there were the two places, well, the Punchline, of course. Punchline, Smith's Old Bar. Yeah, that's the one I had to apologize to the audience. I go, if I gave out refunds, I'd do it for this show. Smith's Old Bar is the one where I threw the fucking... I was so wasted

from the night before because we stayed at Ron White's house. Yeah. And I was wasted. Yeah, I just remembered Bath, not only did it go poorly, the fucking hecklers always from the fucking cheap seats talking shit that I can't

fucking hear, especially one of the problems with weed is the audio. But they were like Hennigan read me some of the fucking tweets or emails or whatever he heard where people are saying that I was stuck behind those people. And that's where they had to throw out.

There weren't enough people to throw out the people that are upstairs causing shit where I had to be walked to a different exit because they were afraid that the people they threw out would be waiting for me at the exit we went in. So we walked to the other side of the theater to go out a different exit. So yeah, I guess there were some assholes there. But I was all in my head and in my act. Our first relapse gig was 2011. So that was quite some time ago. Yeah, we're moving on up.

And then, Savannah, we're moving on down. You have no idea. Just leaving the UK. That's why I always try to, if we hadn't played New York, put it after. I hate New York City so much. But if I go from the UK to New York City I'm so happy just

just dumb things it's nothing to do with the people it's just like I don't have to think is this reference going to work every sentence I say especially if it's off the fucking top of my head yeah I know they're going to understand the Especially if it's off the fucking top of my head.

Yeah, I know they're gonna understand the words. So that's what you're getting, is a fucking me having just taken a miserable dump, and now I'm bringing my gaping asshole to the southeast with no fucking clogs. What? Toilet clogs? I'm saying, shoes? All the shit is out of my system

and I'm free-balling through the southeast and I don't give a fuck about the wormhole. You've had an enema, basically. Right. The weight is lifted off my shoulders. 16 pounds of raw meat and bubble gum and left it in the UK.

I used to not be able to brush my tongue as soon as Brian Hennigan's set dates in the UK. It could be eight months away and I would already be nervous and I would gag when I brush my tongue. It would be a while to put their correlation together. I don't understand when I'm stressed. I brushed my tongue. It would be a while to put their correlation together.

I don't understand when I'm stressed. There's no cognitive. But your body fucking does. Yeah. I ignore my body. That's how we get along. Gagging, trying to brush your teeth, brush your tongue. Mm-hmm.

But I don't understand why. The cause and effect is missing for me. And it always has been with everything. I'm just going to ramble at this point. Let's wrap it up. Bingo, you could have done it live, but you left. Bingo put on Oliver's clothes, put on a big outfit to come over for the podcast,

with a bandleader outfit, with a giant poodle skirt and a gas mask. I go, this isn't a video one. That's for Patreon people. Why don't you get on Patreon? You'd see Bingo all dolled up. Now she left ashamed. She's probably having fucking you're only as good as your last show day.

Alright, we're gonna fucking see you on the road, people. Thank you. Take us out, Bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you.