The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #002: Goosekirk Gets Locked Up Abroad

Episode Date: April 23, 2013

Doug Stanhope interviews Goosekirk about his 5 year prison stay in Brazil on drug trafficking chargesSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Millions of Americans pass each other on the sidewalks of our cities each day. Few are aware of who the other is, what kind of work he does, what his problems are. For most, things are routine. They take for granted the right to walk that street, protected by a system of laws that guarantees certain freedoms, and that those freedoms won't be taken away without a fair trial fair treatment and punishment that fits the crime this young man is an exception he was arrested and found out the hard way that the american constitution doesn't fit inside your passport when you make a mistake overseas his experiences with the laws of another country are almost beyond comprehension. The retelling of his adventures is just a reminder of what can happen.

Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quart of gin. a lampshade I'm drunk again blew my drug money on a quart of gin well I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating but I'll settle for

a tall glass of anything Or a tall glass of anything Fell in love with love and death and darkness If I'm a bad drunk, well, it's not for lack of practice there is no this is no modern romance because i'm going home in a fucking ambulance well am i the only one drinking tonight. Spring break gone broke the sprung. Now I'm the only one. All right, it's April 5th 2013

We are at the lovely Jupiter Hotel in Portland Oregon, possibly my favorite hotel, the Doug Furr Bar It's an old motor inn, refurbished It's fucking beautiful We taped the DVD last night

I think it went well. I don't know how they're going to edit between the early mumbling pseudo-drunk me and the late-night confident coked-up-and-drunk me, but that's their problem. And we're here with Goose Kirk. I met probably 90 years ago. Yeah, in the 90s. A long fucking time ago. And we did some mushrooms together at Dante's. And the next thing I know, he moved to Colombia, gave up his life, and just embarked on a journey. We were going to go down to visit him.

We changed our plans because we had to go to a wedding in Costa Rica. And you, you went to prison in Brazil. Wound up in jail. Wound up in jail. Wound up in jail. Well, actually, let me preface this. You had a little bit of fame, morning radio fame, years before that, where he made the news because his friends played a practical joke on him. Right. They covered my entire apartment in foil.

Aluminum foil. Everything. Everything. Every piece of change in his change dish. Toilet paper. Toothbrushes. Every piece of silverware. Every dish. Every single thing in his apartment they covered in tin foil.

It was amazing. Five days they spent. And that made national news. Like news of the weird kind of shit you had morning radio guys calling you world news yeah all over the world so yeah that was his first claim to fame cut to i'm picturing you on some bamboo raft going down the amazon with a giant bundle of... Tell us how it started. How the whole trip started, you mean? How'd you end up in a Brazilian prison for four years? Well, you know, I moved down there

just to kind of change my life up. I was bored at work, sick of America, wanted out. And Colombia is just a beautiful place it's amazing and the the girls are incredibly hot um yeah now you were posting on my message board from being down there and you'd occasionally post pictures of that you had bedded if i'm not wrong yeah yeah yeah we'd keep up with your your journeys until you disappeared on All my weird adventures. Yeah, you were living like hand-to-mouth pesos a day.

Yep, yep. Just like some teenage backpacker. At this point, you were 32? 35. 35? 35, 36. All right. Yeah, and so at some point, you realize I should be making some money somehow.

And in Colombia, you're not going to make much money. It's tough. So what did you do that was legal before you got into trouble? Did you do anything? Oh, yeah. I was trying all kinds of things. I tried to start up a company to export bags and jackets and things. Started a magazine.

Did all kinds of things. And just nothing ever worked. What was your magazine? It was in English, actually. Just a what's going on kind of thing. All right. Free magazine. All right.

So you got sick of beans and rice. Mm-hmm. And, yeah, eventually you just realized. Then you met some smooth-talking Swede at a Hilton bar, I'm guessing. I don't know. I watched Locked Up Abroad too much. But that's usually how it starts. Usually you just meet somebody in a bar

or club or something and get to talking. And you have a few cocktails and go, what the hell? Why not? I won't be like those other guys. What could go wrong? So was this your first smuggling trip that you got busted on? No.

No, it wasn't, actually. All right. It's a really interesting world, actually. I know. I'm waiting for you to tell us about it. So, okay, you meet someone. They get you involved. Tell us about the first time you went on a run, a mission, a

gauntlet. It's actually surprisingly easy. We figure that roughly about 90% of the trips work. At least. Some guys out there have 100%.

Never lose anybody. There's so much of it going on, you can't even imagine. Okay, so tell us about the first trip. My first trip? Yeah. I went to down the Amazon. Get him a shot. What do you want a shot of?

We're going to loosen his tongue. Okay. I don't really do shots, really. I don't really do shots either. All right, forget the shots. Yeah, forget the shots. All right. It seemed funny at the time. Okay, so your first trip. do shots really i don't really do shots either all right forget the shots all right it seemed

funny at the time okay so your first trip you have to go from where to where i went down the amazon uh through from columbia yeah through brazil through brazil and into europe always europe wait you actually went all the way to europe oh yeah oh you did the whole you didn't just pass it off oh yeah that yeah. That's great. And it's, like I said, it's surprisingly easy as long as you kind of know what you're doing. So is that bamboo raft that I'm picturing, ricky-ticky-toffee kind of shit? Is that anywhere? That actually, that happens, yeah. And like some long boat?

The Amazon. With a straw hat? Yeah. That's cool. It's actually true, yeah. And what did you have? We're talking about your first smuggling mission. Cocaine, yeah.

Coke? Yeah. And you brought it to where in Europe? You don't want to say? You don't have to answer. I don't know. I don't think any of this can get you in trouble now. I hope not.

Yeah, I don't know. That's why. But yeah, into Holland, Amsterdam. All right. That's usually the place where everything goes. All right. Usually. Or Spain.

Okay. And so what did you make? Five grand. Five grand. Which isn't much, but it's a start. For Colombia. Yeah. That's kind of standard.

Like one kilo is like five grand for the mule. And then things kind of advanced from there. All right. Worked up. So any close calls of advanced from there. All right. It worked up. So any close calls? Oh, man, lots, yeah. Plenty of times. Give me some detail.

You're going down the Amazon. How long does that take? You're in a non-motorized boat? No, it's motorized, yeah. All right. But you go down the Amazon. I took like a week or two just to make it look like I'm a tourist. You got to make it look right.

But yeah, close calls. There was one time I was on a train in Europe, and actually I have the stuff on me. It's packed in. Is it Midnight Express taped to your chest? Not on the body. It's like sewn into my jacket and boots and things. And you can smell it. It doesn't smell like cocaine. They put this anti-dog kind of scent on it.

It's got a very powerful eucalyptus kind of smell. It just smells weird. It doesn't smell like aftershave exactly, but it's a weird smell. Did you have to wear fake dreadlocks to pass off this stink? Yeah. A lot of tie-dye. So I was on this train, and I had this stuff on me,

and the train stops at a border, and they brought dogs on the train, which I wasn't expecting. I thought, you know, Europe is all open. You think there's nothing. No, they brought dogs on the train. So I got off the train to have a smoke,

and I'm actually standing with some other guys who are having smokes, and here comes this dog right behind me inside the train, like, standing there just looking at me, you know, tongue out. I'm just like, oh, I think I'll stand over here. But no problem. So how many trips did you make, roughly, before the fatal? Several trips, yeah. All right. And there were times like where there was one time I got stopped in an airport

and the cops came up to me, asked for my ID. They said, can you come with us? I said, sure. Went into the back room and I had my, and I had an external hard drive. It was very big. The case was huge. It was heavy. So they were really interested in that.

I'm standing there. I got the stuff on me, right? And they're going through my bag, like looking at this hard drive, and they're so suspicious of this hard drive. I'm like, okay. And she says, oh, can we go through the x-ray again? I said, sure. And she just passes the hard drive in the bag through the x-ray again and she's okay you're okay that's great but is it like one of those adrenaline

rushes where you're like fuck yes oh man yeah it's like yeah exactly yeah you won and that's how it's like a vegas feeling definitely it's a vegas thing i forgot your coat i'm not gonna lie It is a lot of fun It really is It's great Especially when you get that child porn on the hard drive To make side money

Okay let's cut to the one that went awry Where are you? We're in a hotel It's humid It's like 88 degrees Your heart's pounding. I had a flight going from Argentina to Brazil to Portugal to Belgium. Doesn't look suspicious at all.

Yeah, exactly. No, that's just southwest. Yeah. But this is a terrible flight to have because nobody takes this kind of flight. There's direct flights from Argentina to Spain or whatever. Nobody takes Argentina to Spain. It's kind of flight. There's direct flights from Argentina to Spain or whatever. Nobody takes Argentina to Spain. It's a stupid flight. And the guy who was buying the flights, I told him again and again, not Brazil.

This is the flight I want. Get this flight. And he calls me up. Oh, here's your flights. It's Argentina, Brazil, Portugal. What are you doing? Fuck you, Expedia. Click.

That's not my flight. Try again the way I told you. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. And the guy calls me up days later and says, okay, I didn't have enough money to buy a new flight. I just had to change the old one. Now, at this time, you're not in charge of this, so you kind of have

to do whatever the fuck they say, I'm assuming. Well, no. You're a free agent? Yeah, yeah. There's not some guy that's going to break your legs if it doesn't show up on time? No, no, no. God knows that's not, yeah. But I just didn't have enough money, really.

I just put everything I had into this, and I just didn't have enough cash to buy my own flights. All right. So I was dependent on this guy to just do what I told him, and he just didn't. So you go from Argentina to Brazil. And I knew it was a bad idea. You really have your instincts that will tell you something's wrong.

And my alarm bells were going off even before the flight started. Yeah, and this is not just the alarm bells you get when you're bringing a crazy chick back to the hotel room. Yeah, this is a little bit more serious. All right, I know this is going to go poorly, but I'll wait until after I come to sort it out. I actually had this girl I met in Argentina who was telling me, oh, of course I couldn't tell her what I was doing,

so I just told her, oh, I have to go back to Colombia and do some things. You sell used cars? Yeah, exactly. Call back from a story that won't air. So this girl's telling me, why do you have to leave? Why don't you just stay here with me? I've got this great apartment, and you can stay and live.

I'll get you a job teaching English. I'm just thinking, as I'm walking to the airport going, I should just stay. Just forget this stuff and just stay with this girl or something. No. I don't know if it's being picked up, but there's an ominous train sound in the background that kind of gives this a bit of ambiance. Kind of a hobo vibe.

Yeah. All right. So she drops you off at the airport. Yeah. And she thinks you're doing what? I'm just going back to Columbia. All right. So I knew it's a terrible idea.

This is going to go terribly wrong. But in my entire life, I've always gotten out of everything. I've never gotten in trouble for anything ever. I've never been arrested. I've never done that. I've always gotten out of everything. So I'm thinking, this is going to go bad, but somehow it'll work. Okay.

So when I got to Brazil, the cops are actually waiting. Is it Sao Paulo? Yeah, Sao Paulo. Cops are waiting? Cops are waiting. And I'm thinking, I'm just changing planes here. It shouldn Sao Paulo? Yeah, Sao Paulo. Cops are waiting? Cops are waiting. Oh. And I'm thinking, I'm just changing planes here. You know, it shouldn't be a problem, I don't think.

But no, the cops are there waiting. Like, oh, yeah. So do you have the shit on you, or is it in your luggage? No, the baggage, yeah. All right. So they've found it in your bags, or your travel agent tipped them off? No, it's that route. The cops arrested me.

They said, didn't you know that that's a drug route? Nobody flies that flight except for drug smugglers. I'm like, yeah, I kind of had that suspicion. I can imagine you being very cool with them. Like, all right, you got me. Yeah, but that's what you have to do. You didn't try the that's not my bag. Oh, God, no. It's like, what are you have to do. You know, you just, you know, the cops always want to. You didn't try the that's not my bag or. Oh, God, no.

It's like, what are you going to, you know. The guys who try that and it just never works. It's stupid, really. So I'm just there. The cops are waiting for me. They ask for my ID. I say, sure, here's my passport. And I'm just kind of waiting for the shoot to kind of drop.

And they didn't let me go. Are they cool't are they cool or are they pricks no they're cool they're just like i'm sitting here passport and are you you know where are you going blah blah blah okay and then they let me go so i'm in the airport just going this this is very ominous you know like they didn't ask anybody else in in line for their passports or talk to them they just talked to me. This isn't going to go well. I spent like an hour or two in the airport, actually. And then finally they came up to me and said,

oh, can you come with us? I said, sure. Oh, you're just sitting there having a drink? And they go, oh, yeah, we forgot to arrest you. Yeah, exactly. We did the ID part. We forgot the arresting thing. Yeah.

By that point, they had scanned my baggage and everything and determined that, yeah, there's something in there that shouldn't be there. All right. So they bring you in a back room. Yep. Kind of did it out in the open as well. People walking by. Hi, yeah. Oh, sorry.

Hey, want a bump? Anyone? Last call. Fire sale. So you get back to the back room, and they have to weigh everything. They have to test it and make sure. They have to test it. We all know it's gone.

All night long. But the cops were actually nice about it. They were cool. And they asked me to talk and to tell them what happened. I'm like, no. Here's me. Here's the drugs. What more do you want?

Now, are you freaking out, or are you just like, ah, fuck it. Here's another adventure. Yeah, kind of like, ah, fuck it. Here's the drugs. What more do you want? Now, are you freaking out or are you just like, ah, fuck it. Here's another adventure. Yeah, kind of like, ah, fuck it. Here's another adventure. And I still kind of thought this is going to work out. There's going to be a way kind of around this. But no. No.

No. So they haul you off immediately to where? This is what I hate about Locked Up Abroad. It's all the sweating leading up to they never show you locked up abroad they get to where they get busted and then they go oh they spent five years in jail tell me about five years in jail that's what midnight express was that was the good part yep it's only 10 minutes of him taping hash to his chest the rest is the fun part in jail yeah so so you they take you where? First, I spent a day in the airport.

They have a little holding cell there. Yeah. And then they took me to a prison, but like a special holding cell in the prison. And that was actually the worst part. All right. Because you're in a tiny little cell with like six guys. There's no air. It's just awful.

And you don't speak the language. Did you at that point? I speak Spanish. So it's very it's just awful and you don't speak the language did you at that point i speak spanish so you know that it's very close they do portuguese yeah yeah and so i was in this terrible tiny cell for like a week and you don't leave that little little room it's just nasty was it the america's best in in bloomington ind. Almost as bad. Almost as bad. And then from there, because San Paolo has this special jail that's foreigners only. Yeah. Because Brazil had a problem years past

with foreigners being killed. Oh, yeah. Once we heard you were locked up down there, we started Googling and we're like, oh, he's fucked. Oh, it's bad. Oh, he's Once we heard you were locked up down there, we started Googling and we're like, oh, he's fucked. Oh, it's bad. Oh, he's fucked. Holy shit.

Yeah, so that's how it used to be in Brazil. It was terrible. So the consulates from Europe especially kind of got together and basically kind of forced Brazil to make a special jail for foreigners only. That's where I went next after like a week in this holding cell. And that special jail, it's built for 800 guys and it holds twice that. So there's like 1,600 guys from all over the world.

Every country you can think of. 80% of those guys are there for drugs. What are the other 20% do? Yeah, you got like 15% are just like thieves. All right. Just douchebags. Especially in Sampaldo, you get guys who steal your bags out of the airport.

Like there's tons of these guys. I don't know. What the hell? But 80%, yeah, drugs. All right. So this is where you're going to spend the next three years and nine months. Right. So you get there.

When do you go to court? Oh, in Brazil, that's a big question. What was your first court date after your arrest? In every other country in the world, I've learned this, when you get arrested, within like two or three days, you'll see a judge. Yeah. And the judge will determine if they want to go forward with this case, blah, blah, blah. Right.

Brazil, they're supposed to. They just don't. So your court date could be anywhere between six months and two years, the first time you go to court. Jesus. What was yours? Mine, I got lucky. Mine was six months. Pretty good.

All right. For San Paolo. There's guys who spend two years there. Now, do you just have some flunky deadbeat lawyer guy? Yeah, court-appointed lawyer. Did he speak English? No. No? Yeah. Oh, Jesus.

And what was great... He'd just drawn symbols in the sand. Yeah. He draws a nooseose you should have a mic it was great i i got to court and uh they had a translator there but the translator was like a deer caught in the headlights the guy like had obviously like taken some english classes at one point really couldn't speak English, really.

And I loved it. I thought this was perfect. You know, great. I don't want to ask questions. Don't ask me anything. It's better. I just don't want to speak, really. So the judge would ask questions.

And by that point, six months in the jail, I already pretty much understood Portuguese. I knew what she was saying. So the judge would ask questions. The translator would try to translate it. And I would speak back. understood portuguese i knew what she was saying so the judge would ask questions the translator would try to translate it and i would speak back and i would try to speak slowly at first and carefully but then i realized you couldn't speak english so i'm just speaking quickly i'm just i don't care and the guy would just look at me frozen and the judge got so angry at the translator the

translator yeah she went at one point at one point she asked angry at the translator the translator. Yeah, she went one point At one point she asked a question the translator translated it pretty well actually I mean he said it right and the judge she spoke a little bit English and she thought she spoke English Better than she did. Yeah The translator transits a question the judge goes no, that's not what I said. You need to be exactly translating perfectly. This is a court of law. We need to do this correctly. Say it right.

And the guy's looking at her like, um. And he says the same thing to me, but just changes a few words around. The judge goes, okay, that's better. So you're pleading guilty. Oh, yeah. In Brazil, you have to plead guilty. Nobody gets off. You plead not guilty, they fuck you. Even if you're innocent. guilty. Oh, yeah. In Brazil, you have to plead guilty. Nobody gets off. You plead not guilty, they fuck you.

Even if you're innocent, they don't care. They just screw you. And they don't have a fondness for Americans. Not really, no. They really don't. Because when I was trying to book, we did book a flight down to go see you. And then we realized, oh, oh shit you probably need a visa yeah i don't know how to get a visa and that's a big pain in the ass you have to go to an embassy

or some shit that's four hours away fuck goose kirk we'll see him when he gets home unfortunately it was i realized in time to cancel the tickets but uh yeah we were looking forward to it but they said it's because we fuck with them when they're trying to visit the U S so bad that it's just basically exactly. Fuck you to us, which I understand. Yep. So,

all right. So you, you get into jail. What's the name of the jail prison that you're in? Itai. Itai. That's the name of the town. Actually,

the prison has some long idiotic name. Yeah. I remember looking it up and I'm not even going to try to pronounce that. Yeah. Uh prison has some long, idiotic name. Yeah, I remember looking it up. I'm not even going to try to pronounce that. So you get in there, and you're put in a cell. Do you have cellmates? Yeah. Cellmates.

What they do is when you get into the prison, they put you into what's called inclusion first, which is kind of special cells. They have three of these cells that are kind of big and really just empty. And they put you there for like a week or two just to kind of make sure you're okay, you're not crazy or something. You're going to hang yourself. Yeah, just to see how you are and kind of get you used to the environment. And after that, then they move you into the normal cells.

All right. And that's where you met Morgan Freeman and started planning your escape. Yeah, that's right. Sorry, that's Shawshank Redemption. All right. So after you get picked last for kickball, where do they put you? Who's your cellmate? What's funny is that when I was in the first jail,

in the Brazilian jail, people are talking like, oh, you're going to the special foreigners jail. It's great. It's much better than this place. They've got a football field. You get stabbed way less in that one. Way less, yeah. You know, they've got a library and there's a pool or something.

You know, like it's great. And so I got to the inclusion cell in there and that's just terrible. It's just nasty, dirty. There's nothing in there. It's just empty concrete. Shit in a hole? Yeah, shit in a hole. There's not even a toilet.

Yeah, that's why I don't even travel, much less prison. Just any country. I was up to do this thing for PBS, talking to comedians in India and Nigeria, and then we watched out an idiot abroad, and he's having his shit in holes, and I'm like, no fucking way am I squatting over a hole. But you had no choice. Toilet paper?

These are the first things that come to my mind. Of course you go over, hey, did you get raped? Is, of course, your first question. And we'll get to that one. But the horror would be no toilet paper no toilet paper yeah yeah but inside the prison you know the prison doesn't really have much rules um but the prisoners themselves have have kind of an extensive list of rules that you you have to follow it's kind of a prison culture all right you know so one of the most

important rules when you what you learned is if you shit you got a shower all right really you take a shit you go shower all right done well that's good at least you have a shower that would yeah yeah just the thought of sitting around with a fucking nasty shit riddled ass on top of being in prison. Yep. Did someone have to tell you that? Yeah. People sit you down. No, you got to do this. You're going to do this.

You're sitting down on the bench and leaving big brown football stains, and they're like, don't you know? Don't you know there's a shower that's free? Animal. We only have two mics, so when Andy and Chaley chime in with their funny, I'm just repeating it. You're saying? So the showers are freezing-ass cold.

And San Paolo gets freezing as well. It gets very cold there. So it's not like a nice warm shower. You just spread your cheeks and bend into it and hope the water doesn't hit the rest of your body? Yeah. Well, the good thing about the cold shower, it reduces your obvious erection as you walk around the yard. That's right.

Open air showers? No. Actually, inside the cells, each cell was built for six guys. So you've got six bunks. You've got some shelves. And in the back, you've got a shower and toilet, like a natural toilet. All right. It's all in your cell.

Yeah. So if it's built for six guys, does that mean there's 12 in there because they're double capacity? Sometimes there were 12. All right. So when you had to sleep with Andy last night, it was no big deal. Yeah. I'm used to that. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. So you walk in the cell the first day. Who do you look at? No. Actually, I walked into the cell block first. They put you in the block, which is, the cell block is this kind of U-shaped, two-story, like kind of open-air kind of thing.

It looks like an apocalyptic Motel 6. All right. It's just concrete walls. It just looks like terrible. There's like laundry hanging. It's all concrete and dirty. It's like, oh, like oh I'm picturing you walking in there in that jacket with two bags like wayward traveler where's my room yeah so I just walk in I'm like oh this is not what there's there's no library here There's no pool. What is this? There's no football field.

I was lied to. And a guy walks up to me I'm giving you one star on Yelp. Yeah. So a guy walks up to me and he goes, oh, you must be the American. His word travels fast. In the prison you got nothing

else to do but stand around and gossip and hear what's going on so that's everybody knows everything all right so you're the american so i show up and everybody knows who i am already like you're the american you know and this guy walks up and he's um he's american as well and he says don't worry about a thing this cell cell block is really cool. Nothing happens here. It's all quiet. You have no problems here. I'll help you out with anything you need.

Let me know. Don't worry. Everything's fine here. And then I'm like, okay, great. I feel better. And then that night they had a riot. Over? They just had a riot about one of the guards was being a prick.

All right. They just had a riot about one of the guards was being a prick. And they took some guys to Castigo, which is the solitary block. So what's a riot entail? Burning rolls of toilet paper? Are there stabbings? Are there mattresses? Well, here's the thing. Pressed up against the bars and carving snitch into someone's head. Yeah.

In three different languages. Here's the great part. I didn't know anything was going on until they opened the cell doors in the morning and the afternoon. They locked the cell doors at four o'clock in the afternoon, and then you're locked in all night.

And I didn't know anything was going on, and then about six o'clock in the evening, everybody's locked inside their cells. And they just start this riot inside the cells. They're just pounding on the doors and hammering on the doors. They're burning things and throwing them out. And this is your first night. Yeah. So you're in a room with five other guys, I'm assuming?

We had eight guys. Eight guys in six beds. Yeah. So you had to buddy up? Sleep on the floor. Oh, all right. Yeah. But I'm just like, there's this riot happening.

And I'm like, oh, this is great. This is my first night in prison. Like, yeah, there should be a riot. But then I'm realizing everybody's locked in their cells. This isn't fun at all. What's the point of this? And at one point, I went and banged on the door as well and i i yelled attica attica you know then i realized nobody in this prison knows oh that that would be the second worst to no

toilet paper is no one getting the reference yeah come on attica anyone anyone that's universal so who were the people that you're Immediately Selled up with? Anyone that speaks English? Yeah, actually, most guys spoke English In fact, the majority Of the guys in the jail The largest numbers

Of the guys in jail were from Africa Nigerians especially, number one They all speak English Good, they all belong in fucking jail Goddamn spammers. Hang them all. So did you make a friend? Yeah.

So in my cell, anyway, I had a guy from England. Very, very cool guy. Guys from Africa, guys from South America. Nice mix. If I'm all over the map, that's just how my head works. But do you keep in touch with anyone? Is there anyone now that you get out of here like, fuck all you? Yeah, there's a few guys I'm still in touch with.

All right. Oddly enough, the guys that... You're not like me where you're like, oh, Goose Kirk's in prison. I should write him. Five years later, oh, here he is. I was gonna. Okay, so back to the riot. Riot subsides at some point.

Yeah, riot subsides. They cut off the water and the power, you know, and just keep everybody calm. And I was just, I was let down again. I'm like, that's not even a good riot, you know? Come on. All right, so you settle in. Settle in.

I change cells after a week or so because the American guy said, hey, you should come to my cell. It's great. And I realized that. And they have the power to just do that? Yeah. You just trade players, just like Major League Baseball? Yeah, and it's a big deal.

Yeah, it's a big thing. Again, the prison rules are very strict. So, like, you have to wait to have a bed. If you're new, you come in, you're on the floor. And then you go in order. When the guys leave, then you get the bed. And there's no bullying. There's no option.

You can buy a bed if you're quiet about it, but it's very strict. So when you want to change cells, it's politics. You've got to calculate, okay, am I in the bed? Did I change bed for bed? It's very complicated. All right. So now you're with the American. So I'm with the American guy.

Is he still there? No. No. He was a Lebanese-American. Oh, yeah. And so I'm in the cell with four other guys. All right. Where is he now?

When I said he's still there, you had a look on your face like he's dead. No, no, he's fine. I thought I hit gold on this. No, he's doing very well, actually. All right. He's back in the States or in Lebanon? Middle East, yeah. Oh, all right.

In for drugs? Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Everybody is there. You just assume that. The guys who are thieves, you don't even talk to. They just say to themselves.

New guy comes in, it's like you ask him, oh, how much did you have? How much did you have? I forgot to ask. How much coke did you have? That's an interesting thing. In Brazil, at least, I'm sure this happens everywhere in the world, but in Brazil it's a fact. When you get arrested for drugs,

if you have, let's say, five kilos of cocaine, when you go to court, you'll have half that. On your paperwork, it'll say, I know I had five, but you go to court, oh, you had three and a half. The cops just take some for them, and they sell it. I'm not going to complain. It looks better for me.

It's a win-win. Yeah. Everybody's happy. So you had five kilos? Yeah. All right. Three and a half. Three and a half.

Okay. So how do you spend three and a half years there? What do you do? Do you smoke cigarettes? A lot. That would be my third thing. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody smokes? Do you smoke cigarettes? A lot. That would be my third thing. Everybody smokes. Do you have money?

No. Brazil is terrible like this. Brazil, when they put you in prison, they give you this kind of ratty foam mattress. It's just like a thin foam pad and that's it. That's what you got. They'll give you like a pair of pants maybe let you keep some of your clothes if it's not you know yeah the

rules they have that's all they got so you don't have she so how do you get cigarettes cigarettes again a problem Brazil has a law where if you work in the jail you get paid minimum wage wage, which is like $300 a month. All right. But in our jail, because... That's more than bingo makes. Yeah. But in our jail, because we're foreigners, they just would fuck us.

So we got paid like $20 a month. Oh, shit. Because we're foreigners. Hey, what are you going to do? Who are you going to call? Who. Who are you going to call? Who are you going to complain to? Yeah. What was your job?

Baker. Oh, wow. Made the bread. So it was great. I got extra bread. There you go. Yeah. So, but yeah, it's tough to get money.

You got to get sheets and a blanket, first of all, because it's cold. Oh, so that costs you money. No. Guys will help you out. They'll help you out. They got an extra blanket here. Take this. But yeah, to get... You have to buy everything. You gotta buy your own soap, your own

toothpaste, razors. Now, is anyone sending you money? Yeah. Family and friends helped out. And you get it? Yeah. It's not easy to do it. Who do you call first? When you get busted, what's the first phone call you make? You know, when I got arrested, I was in the first jail.

The consulate came, the American consulate. We're in this prison with guys from all over the world. They look at you as American, and there's only like five of us in the whole jail. Yeah. And so everybody goes, oh, America, you know, You know wow the superpower the richest country in the world When the consulates come to visit the guys They always bring stuff they bring you like shirts t-shirts or you know soap and things that you need Your sponsored is there a Jaeger Meister coffee mug?

There's some delta blankets. So the consuls will come and they'll bring things. Europeans will give their guys money. Like Spain and Holland, these countries will actually give the guys money and help them out. So the U.S. guy comes to you when you first get arrested. So everybody says, oh, America, the richest country in the world, So the U.S. guy comes to you when you first get arrested. So everybody says, oh, America, the richest country in the world, they must hire a lawyer for you.

They're going to do everything for you. You're going to get out of here quick. America, oh. Yeah. My consulate came, our consulate, I should say. What's his name? They change all the time. Oh, you don't remember him? We can't just make a prick out of him?

Some douche, I don't know. Yeah, some douche. So don't know. Some douche. So the consulate comes. He doesn't have anything. What the consulate does is they bring our guys. I swear to God this is true. They bring our guys soap and shampoo that they steal out of hotels. That's what they bring us.

I wasn't very far off. Yeah, exactly. Bolivia, like the poorest country in South America, they bring their guys blankets and shirts and whatever they need. America brings... Here's a Marriott terrycloth bathrobe. Oh, man, not even a bathrobe.

It's just a little soap and shampoo. And I'm bald. I don't even need shampoo. You can use it for lube. The other thing they would do is that the Marines at the consulate would or the people who worked at the consulate would donate things for us. A little bit of food

or a candy bar or something sometimes. Somebody donated half a jar of Vaseline. Used jar of Vaseline. You got some mileage out of that, didn't you? No, actually, because... What I'd do is I'd lube my whole ass crack

just so when I shit in a hole, most of it would run right off. When the consoles bring things, it has to be checked by a guard right and so i i go to pick up my my bag of soap and shampoo from the consulate and there's this jar of vaseline and the guard looks at me like what the hell i didn't order it i'm like yeah i don't know it's my guy and he opens it up he's like this is used vas used Vaseline. I'm like, look, you know, America, I don't know. I can't explain.

Hey, it works different in our prison system. And then the guard says, oh, this isn't allowed. You can't have this. And it's used. It's just weird. So your first phone call. Right. So what I did, the consulate came and they said, do you want us to contact anybody?

And I said, yeah. I want you to email one of my friends. Give him this information to contact this person, this person, this person. Great. And then they said, okay, well, no problem. They said, do you want us to call anybody? I said, no, I don't want you to call anybody because you guys are kind of dicks. You didn't say that.

I said, what I could use, though, I don't have any money. I don't want to ask people for things. It's not really cool. But you're my counselor. I paid my taxes. Not recently, but, you know, I have. Not on that cocaine smuggling thing, but otherwise. I have.

Yeah. All I could, you know, I don't want you to contact people. I want to contact my family. Did you have to file taxes for your bakery income? Yeah. I think I do, actually. I have to work that out still. So I said, no, I want to contact them.

Can you just help me out with a couple stamps and envelopes or something and the consulate said no we don't have the budget for that budget for stamps a couple stamps to mail my family you know you've got like 22 aircraft carriers

you know you don't have a budget for a couple stamps well that's how they afford the fucking aircraft carriers. Fuck the stamp, guys. So, every time the consul would come, I'd go back into the cell block. People would ask me, oh, what did you get? What did the consul bring you?

What did they do for you in America? Alright, I'm still waiting for the first phone call. I want to hear the tears in your mother's voice when you finally pick up that phone out of the cradle. There's no phones. You never talked? There's no phones?

No, there's no phones. Barbarians. Yeah, yeah. Really, that's a big problem. All right, so did you get a visit? I did eventually. I had a friend of mine who lived in San Paolo. She came to see me in the gym.

But no one came? Like, no family? No, and I told them not to. All right. It's really hard to get out. It came to see me in the jail. But no one came? Like, no family? No, and I told them not to. It's really hard to get out. It's just a pain in the ass, and there's no reason to. Plus, they'd have to sleep on the floor because they're new.

Right, exactly. Sorry, Ma. It's politics. But the weird thing is, when you get a visit there, the visitor actually comes into your cell. They come in the jail. They spend a whole day there in the jail. That's great. Yeah, we went to an Icelandic, the only actually comes into your cell. They come into jail. They spend a whole day there in the jail.

That's great. Yeah, we went to an Icelandic, the only prison in Iceland, and we're hanging out in their dorms, but they got full internet. I've heard this, yeah. Oh, it's fucking great. I was in a cell with a guy from Iceland. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he said, yeah, the prison in Iceland is like a hotel. Oh, yeah.

Líká hrón. I can't fucking pronounce it yeah I can spell it I can't pronounce it but yeah that's but so so your first visitor was a chick yeah from Sao Paulo or San Paulo San Paulo yeah that's how you pronounce it yeah no it's got a fucking oh yeah but there's no, man. Don't go with the, oh, this O is pronounced N bullshit. Sao Paulo, yeah. Yeah, okay. So the chick shows up, and you're trying to get fucking six guys to roll over the other way.

No, that's a big, big rule in the prison is when the visitor comes, you don't even look at them. You stay away. You get out of the cell. You make sure everything's cleaned up. Oh, the other guys. I thought you couldn't look at your own visitor. That would be weird. Ass to ass. Ass to ass.

It's a big rule. Big respect for any woman who comes in that prison and visits you. It sounds like it's run pretty well. Yeah. Self-rule. Self-rule. You know, that anarchy kind of thing.

You see people kind of pull together. So when she shows up, she says, how is it? How are you holding up? Are you okay? How long before you stop the chit-chat and you fuck her? Like, yeah, yeah, everything's fine. The food's good.

Okay, just bend up. Pull up your skirt. No, no, I'm good. Yeah, no, I got a no i got a toothbrush yeah my teeth are old now everything bend over here's here's an interesting thing is that after you do two-fifths of your time you can apply to get moved to half open jail which is right what i did um and the half open jail is a place it's like a barracks you're it's like a barracks. It's a little bunker that's built next to the prison, outside the walls. And you're supposed to go out and work in the community every day, but they don't actually do that in Brazil.

So that's where I went after that. Now you have to be thinking escape every day that you're in the half-open jail. Oh man, that's what everybody did. That would be the fun part, just plotting escapes. Oh, man. How do we do that? Yeah. In the half-open jail, they didn't used to even have a fence.

You could just walk away. No problem. Everybody was doing that. So finally, they put up a fence, barbed wire across the top of it, and people would jump that fence all the time and run away. But the problem is you're in this little small town, Ita'id, which is a farming town. You're like 200 miles away from anything.

You're white. Yeah, you're white. You have no money. Torn cotton pants. What are you going to do? You have to organize something. Okay, so if you get caught escaping, they shoot you? You go back.

They don't shoot you, actually. The guards have guns, but they don't use them. They don't bring you out in the yard and execute you on your knees in front of the other. No, in fact, the guards encourage you to escape. It's so overcrowded. What are you doing here? Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here, will you?

There was one guy who actually ran for it, climbed the fence and ran for it, and a guard was walking by, and he tripped and fell, and the guard kind of kicked him, like, get out of here. Keep moving. Run for it.

That's kind of great. Yeah. Andy says Shawshank push start. We should have had more mics for this. I just imagine, like, the guard fumbling for his, like, Barney Fife one bullet issue. And like, ah, you know what? I don't even know how to load the gun anyway. Just go. Just go.

Get out of here. All right, so I'd be sitting there most of the time trying to figure out what two-fifths is because I don't do math well. So you're there. You get in a half-open housing. Yeah, and that's when my girl came to visit. So you fuck her over the barbed wire.

Yeah, that's a barracks kind of thing. You can kind of close a curtain, but it's still all open. It's not a good place for being romantic. It's just not the right place. Baby, I just showered. That means you just shit. I'm not interested.

And that was your only visit? Yeah, that's the only visit. In almost four years? Yeah. All right. But she came in, and the first thing she said was, wow, it's so clean. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a big thing in the prison. You've got to keep shit clean.

You know, it's every day you're cleaning stuff. Okay, so now are you in and out of court this whole time, or have you been sentenced to a certain amount of time, and that's it? That's it. And your sentence was? Was five years months all right and everybody appeals it's standard um so i appealed and my sentence actually went up to six years two months which didn't matter because i was already in the half open and then i appealed again and that appeal is still outstanding still Still waiting for the results. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah, so it should go down. You're making this very happy, but tell us what sucked. Like, what's your lowest point? Oh, man, the lowest point. Were you closer to killing yourself or escaping? The lowest point by far. There was was a guy when I went in my first cell everybody's cool in my cell everybody's great relaxed there's one guy this fat Bolivian fuck by nature he's a bully but he's got this high

pitched voice he's kind of fat and sloppy he's just a jerk off high pitch Eric yeah he whines and he just a crybaby just a jerk off. High-pitched Eric. Yeah, he's... He whines. Just a crybaby. Just a piece of shit, this guy. And I hated him immediately. When it came to... Everybody's cool, but that guy. And I actually sat him down. I said, look,

you and I are going to have problems. Told him in Spanish. I mean, look... For the listener, Goose Kirk is not a very intimidating guy. No. I'm a nerd. You know, I'm an IT guy.

I'm a computer nerd. That's what I... You know. So, skinny, I'm scrawny. If I had a nerd. You know, I'm an IT guy. I'm a computer nerd. That's what I, you know, so skinny, I'm scrawny. If I had a name for this podcast, I'd say go to thatpodcast.com and look at pictures of Goose Kirk, but I don't even have a fucking title for this

stupid thing. Go ahead. So he sat the Bolivian down. Do you remember his name? Eduardo. You never forget a douchebag's name. You never forget this guy. Forget your first. You never forget a douchebag's name. You never forget this guy. Forget your first love before you forget a douchebag. Especially this guy.

I said, look, you and I are going to have problems. Let's try to resolve this right now before it starts because I'm going to yell at you. At some point, I can already see I'm going to yell at you. And just try not to take it seriously. Let's just try to be cool. He said all the right things. Yeah, we have to respect each other, blah, blah, blah.

It's great. And like two days later. So even the douchebags talk out their problems? Is there any violence in this place? There's a little bit. And it does happen, but very rare. All right. So you didn't get into any fights?

I didn't get raped. No, no rapes. Impromptu soccer against the guards so you're really good at this game goose cook we want you to take a dive i sat him down i said you're gonna probably like two days later he was crying about something stupid and i was like you know what? Shut up. You're just crying. Just knock it off. Was this prison or meatballs?

Yeah. Really? Really? We would talk about that. We'd say, this isn't a prison. This is a girls' school. These people crying. There's no violence.

What is this? There's no crying in prison. Anyway, so a year later, I changed cells. And I changed cells to this really great cell. All my friends are in this cell. Everybody reads. There's tons of books. It's great.

Except Eduardo's in that cell. And Eduardo's like the only person who voted against me coming in the cell. Everybody has to vote. It has to be unanimous democracy now yeah and eduardo's the only person who voted against me come in the cell but everybody looked at him and said you know eduardo we've kicked you out of the cell twice because you're a douche and we felt bad for you because nobody else would take you in their cell to let you stay so your vote doesn't count shut up you know how many people are in the barracks now how many people are this is the main jail i'm talking oh this is the main jail okay sorry um so so i'm in the cell with eduardo and eduardo is great because he's terrified of me it's awesome like he won't like if i'm standing in the cell and i'm in the way he won't i guess he could be

terrifying in a nosferatu kind of way maybe yeah like if I woke up and you were looming over my bed backlit that's all I got yeah I just you know middle of the night

so even he is he's genuinely terrified of me but he won't say boo to me and it's great if I'm standing in the way he won't even ask me to move he'll just stand there and wait for me to move on my own fantastic and the guy's such a douche and one night you know 10 guys in the cell all right okay people are gonna jerk off that's gonna happen. Yeah. Of course. But I sleep with earplugs every night. I put the earplugs in.

I block everything out. Yeah. And your eye mask. Yeah. Your nightcap. Yep. Aromatherapy candle, says Greg Chaley. If I could have, I would have got those.

A clapper light. Do you have a clapper light? You got a good one, Andy. Just grab the mic and then put it back. Sit over here. So I got the earplugs in. One night, I wake up in the middle of the night. Who knows what time it is?

There's no clocks. I wake up, and my ear is kind of hurting me, so I take out the earplugs. And when I take out the earplugs, I can hear across from me on the opposite bed, Eduardo's jerking off. I'm like, oh, this is the lowest point of my life. God damn. So I go to put the earplugs back in, and then I realize, no, he's finishing.

So I just leave that. Yeah. My life sucks. So that's your lowest moment. No, no, no. Four years in a third world prison. This gets better. Wait. OK, so he's finishing.

Great. I'll just try to block this out. And then I hear this noise that I can't say what it was. I don't know what it was, but I hear this wet lip smacking kind of sound. Eduardo's eating something. You know, he's not sucking his own dick if he's fat. Yeah. I'm just like,

Oh God, what is my life come to? I'm listening to Eduardo eat his own jizz. You know, I think they call that a prison power boost. That's a protein shake. That's some five-hour energy. And so the next day I had to tell one of the guys,

I had to tell somebody, if I had to hear this, you've got to hear this. And I'm telling this guy, and Eduardo comes walking by us. And the guy looks over at Eduardo and goes, yeah, well, nothing goes to waste with that guy. And then a few weeks later, Eduardo's complaining he's got a sore throat. Go figure, right? So he's complaining he's got a sore throat.

You gave yourself HPV in your own throat. Hang on one second. We just had an interloper. What's that guy's name with the fucking, did the fake documentary about himself? That horrible actor with the cleft palate. He looked like that guy.

Joaquin Phoenix. If I could have had the reference, I'd have had a great joke right there. What did Joaquin Phoenix want, I would have said, and'd have had a great joke right there What did Joaquin Phoenix want I would have said And everyone would have laughed but I didn't know his name He just wanted to know if this was live Oh He's going to go tune in on his AM radio Sitting out there in the fucking

Anyway alright Okay so let's get to the end of prison Unless you have some other Fucking great stories of shit that happened. What I love with that... No rape. No rape.

Wait a second. Joaquin Phoenix wanted to find out if it was live. He was watching it. I know. It wasn't. It's live for you. Why would he go sit in his car and listen? It's too live.

No, but at the end of that Eduardo story is that he's complaining he's got a sore throat. And one of the guys in the cell says, oh, hey, Eduardo, I've got some special cream for that. Just come in the bathroom with me. I'll give it to you. It's just a joke, you know. And Eduardo says, no, no thanks. I've got my own cream. I'm like, yes, you do.

Suicides. Dead people. I think there was one guy who killed himself, actually. But just through the grapevine. Polish guy. There was no love scene with John Hurt. Oh, man. All my Midnight Express references

are going nowhere, too. Yeah. No raping person? No rape. The guys were actually very anti-gay. Actually, there were three cells, or two cells in this other block that were especially gay.

If you're gay, you have to go to these cells. And even the food that comes, comes in these plastic tubs. And the gay people have their own tubs, like marked with like a pink string. They won't even share their food. They're just scared of AIDS. You know, gay people will give them AIDS. All right. So when do you find out you're getting out?

In Brazil, you never know. Well, when did you know? Like one day, they're like, pack your shit, you're out of here? That's what happens, yeah. Technically, I was eligible to leave in January last year. I left in November. That's how long it just takes. You just randomly pick a name out of a hat.

Like you, you go, wait, you, you were set to leave in January, right? But you were sentenced to six years. Well,

that's the, you do two fifths and then you do what's this time. So blah, blah, blah. Okay. With good behavior, all that shit or whatever.

So, so you were supposed to be out in January and you're like, can I go? No. The next day. Can I go? Yeah, exactly. For 10 months.

Yeah, for 10 months. Every day, I think I could go today. That's what everybody thinks. So the day that you do leave, what are you doing? The day I was at work, I was making bags, shopping bags. The kind you were going to export before you got into this whole shit. Yeah, I kind of like that. Yeah, I was like, oh, Jesus.

Really? Bags? So I was making, oh, Jesus. You know, really? Bags? So I was making bags, and the guard called me over. He says, you have to go back into the barracks there. And I said, really? You know, like, you're fucking with me. Because there's no reason to get called back to the barracks out of work, unless you're going free.

And I'm like, no. You have to have 10 months of waiting every day. It could be my day, you know. And I went back to the barracks And the guard's like yeah Pack your things You've got like Half hour You know

Pack your shit up Say goodbye to everybody And then get out of here Cool And they put you on the bus Did you say goodbye to people Or did you go fuck them I'm out

No I said goodbye to everybody Yeah you gotta do a victory lap Like woo In your face bitches I'm out of here I'm out You stay in You stay in I'm going i'm out of here you're staying you're staying i'm going but

you know another interesting thing was i was allowed to go out on a holiday because i had a visitor um i was allowed to go out for a week over christmas so wait this is before the january where you were up to be released. You were let out for a week on vacation. Yeah. These are the worst prison stories ever. Yeah. I wanted sodomy.

I wanted shanking. Doesn't it make you wonder about the locked up abracadabra we've been watching? Right. I mean, I'm waiting for that shoe to drop. It's like, and then walked in the warden. So you're on vacation. Okay, let's get back to this terrifying prison ordeal that I've been waiting years to hear. I'm scarred.

Now you're at the beach before your release with your gal. Yeah. I'm scarred for life. What was your per diem? When you go out for a holiday, the prison actually rents like a bus. Now, you have to pay for it. You have to have the money to pay for it.

You're a seat. Is it a two-decker with no roof on the upper deck? A sightseeing bus? Imagine that one in Memphis, that one St. Patrick's Day bus with everyone painted green, big foam fingers and hats. And downstairs is discos and stuff. All right. Here's the great part of this. So they let me out for Christmas.

I go on the bus, and there's like 30 guys on the bus. Not five minutes after we leave the prison, guys are pulling out blow and weed and they're smoking up and the bus driver doesn't give a shit. Hey, you want this? It's like the green remandantes. Yeah.

But better. Good shit. You know, so I'm like I didn't know. I don't really use my pants, really. You don't use drugs, really? Not so much. Unbelievable. The guy doesn't even like Coke.

I don't, really. He's a businessman. So, you know, these are guys who've spent the last two, three years in prison for having drugs. And they've just walked out of your prison with drugs. Like, what are you doing? What is this all about? Wait, they took drugs out of the prison? They've had drugs in the prison?

Oh, yeah. So drugs were commonplace. Commonplace, yeah. All right. But just the fact that they put their four drugs and they've walked out with drugs. Fantastic. That's fucking fantastic. What is the point of this?

All right, so when you're on vacation from prison, where do you go? Hotel. All right. San Paolo, just hanging out. And you had no thought of, why should I? Oh, my God. That's what everybody does. Everybody leaves.

That's a normal thing you do. But my girl who was living there, I was signed out under her name. We weren't sure if it would cause her problems or not, so I had to go back. And I thought, well, I'm leaving in January anyway. Chivalry. Yeah. I only got like one more month to do. You still talk to her?

Oh, yeah. You going to marry her, get her in the country? Well, we can't say that. She's American. She's American? Yeah. Oh, living down there. All right.

So why didn't you have a fucking place to stay when you get out? She dumped you She didn't really want an ex-con living with her I don't know why It was no longer hot when he got out Yeah It was fun for a weekend But yeah not really

That's the only way she could get on the bus She needed a ride You found a good drunk But yeah, not really. That's the only way she could get on the bus. She needed a ride. You found a good drunk. So you have your holiday. Then you get out. They say pack your shit. You have 30 minutes.

You say goodbye to people. They give you a bus ticket? No. Nothing? No, you got to buy your own ticket, man. Oh, but you had enough money to pay. I had enough money to buy a ticket, yeah. All right. So you go to San Paolo.

Yep. You got no money. You got nowhere to go. You're like, what the fuck am I doing now? And so I had to call up my friends who'd already left jail earlier. All right. You know,

and so ended up at like in a hostel kind of thing, which was just like jail, the same people, like the same guys. Only now we're on the street. We have to pay for our own food. That's the only difference, you know?

And there was a long period of time between when you got out and when you got here because you didn't have a passport. I had to get the passport first and then I had to be very careful about how I left Brazil. So actually I am right now, I'm a

fugitive from justice. Oh, you can't go to World Cup. Yeah, it's over. Or is that Argentina? No, it's Brazil. Yeah, yeah. Wow, you're going to miss so many exciting scoreless games. So how did you leave?

What I had to do is I had to leave Brazil without getting a stamp in my passports. So I had to kind of sneak out. As we come to a conclusion, fucking Portland. Love it. Fucking Joaquin Phoenix fucking pushing his head into the camera that doesn't exist. Fucking photobombing a fucking podcast. Better than that. He asked me to take a picture of him and I said, where's the camera?

And he goes, well, you'll just email it to me. You'll take it with your camera. I love it. All right. All right. Let's wrap. We're building.

We got to the fucking peak of the mountain. Yeah. And I had to escape to Uruguay and then fly back home. Escape. Yeah. So you just caught a commercial flight. Yeah.

Well, i had to i'm an escaped convict who just yeah rode a bus oh he had to escape in coach yeah middle seat jesus the horror the horror i'm traumatized by the whole thing. So I had to go to Uruguay, cross the border without getting a stamp, which wasn't so hard. On a flight? But no, on a bus. On a bus, yeah. I had to go to the border, walk over the border, kind of being quiet about it. Got down on your knees, kissed Mother Earth, went, well, I'm not really home.

It's Uruguay. This might be worse. Uruguay is'm not really home. It's Uruguay. This might be worse. Uruguay is actually a great place. It's beautiful. But then I had to leave Uruguay without a stamp in my passport. I had this brand-new passport with no stamps in it at all. This is the most exciting part of the story. Now your heart's racing.

I've got to get out of Uruguay without a stamp. Without a stamp. But Uruguay was really concerned about that. They asked me questions. Well, how did you get to Uruguay i gotta get out of here without a stamp without a stamp but but uruguay was really concerned about that they they're asking me questions well how did you get to uruguay why are you here how long have you been here i was on spring break yeah i was drunk i woke up here now i'm 38 years old yeah that's happened to you i'm sure yeah you know so i still have my big souvenir hurricane cup I still have my big souvenir hurricane cup

the beautiful part was everybody in Uruguay speaks English in the airport anyway but the immigration girl didn't speak any English at all so I just act like I don't speak Spanish batted those fucking crystal blue eyes

at her I don't know what I was doing I just came into Spanish. So I just... Batted those fucking crystal blue eyes at her. I was... Yeah, I was... I don't know what I was doing. I just came into Uruguay. I don't know. I forgot. I forgot, yeah. And I had to pay a fine.

And then I flew home. And I was waiting all these years in prison. I was expecting... I was thinking, like, I should probably fly to Vancouver and then, like, just drive down. Because I'm sure somebody's going to be waiting for me at the airport. The American government just is so scary.

Somebody's going to be waiting for me at the airport, like DEA or somebody's going to be there. It's definitely scarier here than most places. I flew back to America into Las Vegas because I've been gone for nine years out of America. If I'm going back to America, I'm going to go back into the capital first, which is Las Vegas.

I think we all know. Nobody said a word they're just like oh christopher kirk welcome back yeah there you go really and what's the first thing you did when you go back oh man eight i just ate tell me it was something awful like m's No I went to Denny's Because it was the worst thing I could think of That's right up there I'm in Vegas I'm staying at the Hooters Hotel Just the most American thing Just Yeah I'm the full American

We've stayed at the Hooters Hotel It's great Hung out with Geechee Guy Brought us to his suite Didn't try to do anything inappropriate I'm in Vegas Staying at Hooters I want to go to Denny's

This is fucking pure America baby You know like Don't know what you got Till it's gone We're glad to have you back sir Thanks We're gonna fucking break you back, sir Thanks We're gonna fucking break Maybe get something to eat

And then we're gonna talk to Binger's sister But that'll be another episode Thanks for listening to this untitled shit we record Hopefully this'll be the first one we put out Ghost Kirk! Thanks for having me Play the Matoid! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do And heat your heats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time

Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Yeah! Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Everybody! Crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time

One more! Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Party time Party time Past the time, past the time, past the time, past the time, hey! Past the time, yeah! Past the time!