The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #003: Comedian Rob Mungle in Houston

Episode Date: May 8, 2013

Doug talks road stories with comedian Rob Mungle and Houston friend Jack&Dino in the Houston Improv green room.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stamhoff Podcast. All right, first night of the tour. I love the title, Blotto Biography, but then the more I thought about it, it seemed too clever. Maybe it'll grow on me again, but the first one was in Houston, Texas, with Rob Mungle, amongst others, perhaps. I don't know.

One day I'll do a podcast about not remembering doing my podcast. Oh, yeah, Jack and Dino was there. Yes. Yeah, this is one. I don't know how long it lasts. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating

But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything Fell in love with love and death and darkness If I'm a bad drunk, well, it's not for lack of practice There is no, this is no modern romance Cause I'm going home in a fucking ambulance Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight.

Spring break gone broke its sprung. Now I'm the only one what the hexakins, what the hectards, you know, still trying to quit smoking, haven't succeeded yet. Going to give it another nine minutes about that. Then we'll get to the guests that you wanted to hear. All right. This is a rough draft or an interstitial of my podcast, my blotto biography. my podcast, my blotto biography. My memory is shit from all the years of abusing it. I remember none of my life like I've wasted it until I see old friends from the day. And they go, hey, do you remember that one time where we got drugged by a parking lot

because we were black from the back of a pickup truck? And you go, oh, yeah, no, I do remember now. Or whatever. We're in Houstonston texas at the improv a place that you can always forget because they all look the same like the blacks or the whites that's the last thing white people stole from the blacks is now white people all look the same with your fucking baseball hat and your affliction shirt with uh one of the guys from the day legend of houston rob mungle rob mungle yeah we got some thank you sir morning radio cheers yeah that's what that is rob mungle i and again this is one of those memories that I didn't remember until I started drinking.

And I'm going, Bingo, you remember Mungle? And she's like, I don't know. Her memory's as bad as mine from all the fucking medications she takes. And she's a newfound drunk over the last few years. And then I remembered as you were going up, I'm like, no, Mungle's the guy I always tell this story about. Mungle went up at open mic, this was probably 1997.

Yeah, oh God, easy. Again, even back then, he's a killer. Everyone knows. Everyone goes into the room when Mungle's on. And he did like 10 or 12 topical jokes from the news that were the fucking worst jokes ever. And even the comics in the back are going, what the fuck is he doing? These are awful jokes.

And the crowd is dead, and he keeps plowing through with such confidence. And at the end, he lets the pregnant pause lie and says, thank you. All those jokes were taken from Jay Leno's monologues last week. I just wanted you to see how he would do if he was in a real comedy club. And we fucking died. Like, oh, God damn it, that's genius.

And I tell that story to this day. Yeah, those are shit. Those are garbage. I still use three of them, though. That's the bad thing. I opened with one of them. Fuck. Yeah.

You know, the great thing my buddy Andy Huggins said about Leno was that he was still doing OJ jokes, even like three years ago. And Huggins said, you know, Ron Goldman's going to get it, let it go before fucking Leno will. Ron Goldman's going to say, the man has a life. Let him live his life, for God's sake. Huggins is funny. I don't know who's still around from the day. There's nobody. I was telling a story on stage about when we took Ralphie May here in Houston.

Houston was a scene. Oh, it was great. As recently as yesterday, I had someone email me and go, hey, where's a good place for new comics to start? And I haven't been a new comic for at least 20 years. Boston in 1992. Yeah, yeah. Great place to start.

There was a couple of scenes. There was Minneapolis was a scene when I first started, and Hedberg was around up there. And then Houston was a great place to start. There was a couple of scenes. There was Minneapolis was a scene when I first started, and Hedberg was around up there. And then Houston was a great scene. You were here when my dad died. I had to fucking leave. That was you, right? I don't think so.

No? I don't believe so. That was another time we were together. Jesus, who was I fucking working with? All right. Your dad died? Yeah. Tell the story about the picture of your dad that you show.

No, no, I want to keep this Houston and Mungle related. Oh, wait. All right. Now I'm... The Henry Phillips story. Yeah. Oh. The whorehouse story.

Oh, yeah, the whorehouse. You would remember this better than me. Yeah, Doug and I and Henry Phillips were working at the last stop, and Henry wants to go to a whorehouse. I probably wanted to go, too. Don't put it all on Henry. And so Henry says, hey, do you know any? I was like, yeah, I know a few.

So we go. The way I remember it is you were saying, do you want to go to a whore house But again our memories are both flawed They're not perfect The Swiss cheese But we go and I tell Henry Listen here's the deal The girls are going to come out and you pick one

And then you go upstairs and do whatever And he gives me like a hundred bucks Because he just got paid that night He had like a grand in his pocket He says this is the rest of my money. I'm just taking $100 up there. I says, all right, dude. Which means you're not getting shit.

And I tell him, look, dude, if you don't like one of the girls, we'll go to another place. As soon as we get there, the girls come out. Henry goes, that one right there, that one, that one. I said, all right. He goes upstairs. He goes, whatever you do, don't give me the money. Don't give me the fucking money.

No matter how much I bang on this door with the monster, don't let me out. I'm in the fucking lobby reading a Time magazine from 1973. No, I got another girl. Oh, you went up. Yeah, I went up, i i guess i got second string but second string will work with you on the price and actually pay off henry meanwhile has a hundred dollars yeah so i'm in the lobby reading the time magazine from 73 wait wait let's back up a second rob mungle says we're going to a whorehouse like we're all gonna fuck chicks yeah hen and I go in and look at them, and they're laughing at us and walking away from the girl.

Like, all right. Yeah, it's like the three stooges thing where they go. Hey, they got paid the teacher and headliner money. I was getting opener money back then. So I didn't have the money for hand jobs. Yeah, they said it's like the stooges bit where they say, okay, whichever one of you step forward and the two step back. Okay, whichever one of you stepped forward and the two stepped back. Well, they all stepped back.

Henry and I are walking up with grotesque women at some fucking highway off-ramp massage parlor. Yeah. From some of the girls from the finest families in all of the Houston area. Meanwhile, Henry Phillips. Yeah, I'm downstairs. Henry Phillips, he said, don't give me the money. I'm just going to go up there and give the $100. I'm sitting down there. Henry comes walking down 10 minutes later. Give me the money. Give me the money. Give me the money. Give me, don't give me the money. I'm just going to go up there and give the $100. I'm sitting down there.

Henry comes walking down 10 minutes later. Give me the money. Give me the money. Give me the money. Give me the money. Give me the money. I was like, I'm not giving. No, give me the fucking money.

Like, I'll give you half. Doug gets done. And so we're sitting there, and we're like, what are we going to do? Like, well, there's a strip club across the street. We got Henry's money. So we go to a strip club across the street. We got Henry's money. So we go to the strip club across the street. Get fucked up. No, Henry, I gave you 600.

I didn't give you five. See, I don't remember that part. My initial instinct as my own defense attorney would be I would never go to a strip club after I dumped a load. That has to be false. I think I dragged you to it. If I just fucked a whore, I'm not going to sit and act like I want another one. I'm going to be ashamed and go home. Let's go back to the Allen Park Inn.

It's like eating a steak and then said, who wants to go to McDonald's? Doug, how much do you remember of this at all, this story right now? Because you're doing bottle biopsy. This is Junior Stopka. He's like the one guy that I think has hope of I can help him because he's young and polite and ambitious and he doesn't fuck up. He's not Andy Andrus stealing fucking bottles of alcohol on a fucking documentary from Beyond the Comedy Club. Like maybe this guy has hope and ambition.

Junior Stopko. And I've only known you for four or five years. So, yeah, tell me one of those stories. Because we're going back. Me and Mungle, Rob Mungle. Did I even introduce Mungle? Yeah, you did. You did.

Yeah. Go ahead. Tell me. I'll tell a sweet story about Doug. How about that? Huh? Everybody says, oh, this guy fist fucked a dude with his foot on accident. How did he get both of them up there?

Here's my story. We were in Katachuga in Tennessee. Chattanooga. Whatever. Katachuga. Junior just went out for his first road trip. He's barely left Chicago ever in August. I'm like, hey, you want to go on the road? And he's like, yeah.

And he went on a military website to learn how to fold clothes. How am I going to fit everything in there? Bingo had to show him how to use a roller bag. He didn't know how to push the button in to get the handle up. a roller bag. He didn't know how to push the button in to get the handle up. It's like you relive all the early years of your

career. He's sweet, but he's funny and he drinks and he smokes so he's palatable like you can be around him, but he's also like a child. Yeah, you can do cocaine with that guy in the toilet. Is it my birthday?

Go ahead. I always have a Cheshire smile when I do anything new. Doug, we were in Chicago at some rock club on the south side, and this is a sweet Doug story. Doug, he don't remember shit, which is great. Because that way you don't have to feel shame or regret or apologize at all. It's like a good confession. Yeah.

So, like, after the show is done, I'm drunk, obviously, and I drunk drive all the time. Sorry. Although I hit somebody sober recently. Go, go. I mean, I did not. I did not. Don't go off track here.

So, Doug leaves. He's going to the airport or airport bar, which is, he just wants a close bar to where he's sleeping all the time. So then Doug just goes, nobody fucks Junior Stopkin tonight. I'm never coming back. If no one fucks Junior Stopkin tonight, I'm not coming back. That's what you said. I don't know if you're doing bravado, but I just want to say. Those who can't do, teach.

I just want to say I'm not coming back to Chicago again. Nobody fucks me then. No, no. That is sweet of you. This was a big clever bit. This was the punchline. I'm done. So no one fucked you?

Well, there was a handsome 49-year-old man. No, I got a gal who doesn't like that. You didn't at the time. Oh man. No, I got a gal who doesn't like that, so no. You didn't at the time. Oh, yeah. You've got a girlfriend? You have a girlfriend? Yeah.

How do I not have a girlfriend? And this guy looks like... That's the thing. It's like Kurt Cobain got put in a pet cemetery. He's pulling pussy. Well, Bingo's not on Twitter. So I can talk a lot of shit, but his girlfriend is, and she's they're young, so there's still jealousy and shit.

Even if I was joking around trying to get Junior pussy after a show, had she heard about it from some asshole fucking YouTubing, he'd pay some kind of price. Bitches be trippin'. Bitches be trippin'. What? No, all bitches be tripping Bitches be tripping What?

No, all bitches be tripping You're not a bitch, that's why you're not tripping Well, you know why? Because they're very uncoordinated Because they're black That's another stereotype busted Black people don't have dexterity I reminded Doug of this Earlier But I could do it on the podcast. I once went on tour with this motherfucker in the middle of Texas.

And I was going to fly to the last, or I was going to drive with him through the tour, fly back from the last one to Houston. And he picks me up at my house. Do you remember the kind of car? It was a white little bitty car. Dodge Neon. Yeah,itty car. Dodge Neon. Yeah, it was a Dodge Neon. Wow, that was the Christine Hodge days.

I just got dumped by Christine Hodge from whatever the... What was that show? Head of the Class. Yeah, you were dating her and she had cheated on you with like the Prince of Monaco. Yeah, I remember doing the bit.

I go, I'm not going to tell you who he is, but I'll tell you what he does for a living. He's a prince of Monaco. Genius. So he just got dumped, and he picks me up in the middle of August in Houston, Texas, where it's 900 degrees, and says, get in the car. We get in the car. He says, turn on the air.

I can't. There's no air conditioning in this car. Why the fuck is there no air? Well, I like to sweat when I drive. So he's driving around like fucking Tarzan, fucking 600 miles through fucking desert of Texas. I'm sweating my balls off. I was thin back then. He was so upset that his fucking girlfriend was fucking the...

He didn't drink the whole fucking time. Oh, yeah. I went on tour with Doug Stanhope, and I was the drunk. I was, yeah. Wait a minute. You did a show sober? He did like four shows. This was in the 90s.

Keep this in mind. That's why we call it... Oh, we're not going to drink. I'm not drinking. I'm just going back to the room. I was like, are you fucking... I was sad. Are you kidding me?

Oh, I was sad. I told him I was going on the road with Doug Stanhope. I went through a few depressions in my career. Wait a minute. What was the phase that you stopped drinking? How did you put that in your mind? It was just that week when I got dumped. Well, she thought I was an alcoholic. And she hated cigarettes.

So, yeah, you do dumb shit for chicks both ways. You go crazy and stalk them or you stop drinking. Both are self-destructive. That's why you took the earring out of your ear. Yeah, I stopped wearing an earring. And that's where that joke comes from now when I mention the silver-haired fox with the Jägermeister thing. It's because my agent's assistant was a really hot chick and she goes, and I'm only like

31 or something at this point. She goes, why do you wear that earring? You look like an old guy trying to look young. And that's one of those things. You go home and you take that fucking earring out and you bury it like a pet. You bury that like a dead

fucking pet and you're ashamed. I remember Christine Hodge, she thought she was pregnant for a minute and was talking to her best friend Lily on a cell phone in the bedroom and said, oh, I found out I'm not pregnant. Thank God. I can't imagine

a baby with those yellow smoker-stained chip teeth. And I've never smiled correctly since. That was 1998, and I fucking have never smiled comfortably. I think I'm miserable on purpose, so it gives me a reason not to smile. My ex-wife used to love Doug. No, she was awful.

I forgot about her. Oh. Yeah, that fucking cunt. Anyway, when I got divorced, Doug was in Austin, and she called me. She said, hey, Doug's in Austin. I'm going to try to fuck him tonight just to piss you off. I don't know if you ever did. Yeah, if it was recently, I might have tried to smoosh it at her.

I don't think it happened. She would have called me and told me. But I don't think it happened. Yeah, I've tried to cheat on my girlfriend and failed miserably. Sorry. Now I don't have to be honest with her because it never quite got in. Good times. with her because it never got never quite got in good times yes uh if it's not by the cleat it's not a cheat i'm sorry what what i thought clit ran with cheat

and then i realized it didn't and then i... That's what softball playing bulldogs say. This could be a fucking good podcast. Because that's where all the fucking great comedy stories come from. Like when you listen to comics, how'd you start? You started in Boston. Who gives a fuck? Tell me the part where you fucking kicked a girl in the cunt and you got thrown out of the club and they never booked you back.

I like this. We should. Yeah. You should do this. Yeah. Yeah. We'll put a we'll string a few together. Should I start recording?

Should I start recording, says Chaley. For the record, Joe Rogan, every time Chaley fucks up, I go, Red Band would have had this done. Inside podcast comedy. I play to the back of the podcast is what I do. That's my angle. Somewhere there's a kid in Omaha who gets it. I got that reference. I know what I'm talking about I got nothing to do outside of podcasts

Jack and Dino, you got anything? Jack and Dino is a good friend Every time we need a title for something Several times I had before Turning the Gun on Himself As two album titles that were both declined at the last minute

by the record company. So No Refunds was supposed to be Before Turning the Gun on Himself and one of the other, the fucking Deadbeat Hero. And at the last minute, we need a new, one of the times it was right after

the fucking Virginia Tech shooter and they're like we can't do this now so I'd call Jack and Dino and he'd just have a list of 40 fucking titles so yes any good stories? Do you remember the time

that this isn't going to make you not smile again or whatever your other stories were doing? But remember when we got kicked out of Hotel Derek with Walsh? No, we got kicked out of a hotel. We just got kicked out of a hotel last weekend in Cincinnati. No, we were down in the restaurant at the Hotel Derek after one of the Friday shows. I remember that night. Yeah.

Up there? This is in Houston? Yeah, Hotel Derek. Did we steal a leather jacket? No, no. All right. Oh, all right. That's a different time at Hotel Derek.

We were with Brendan Walsh and Mungle, and Doug was there. And we were at the Hotel Derek. Hotel Derek. We were down in the restaurant before they redid it and just hanging out and talking. And some girl just came down and sat in my lap, just totally kills the conversation. And she was a really good-looking girl. And then she was making her boyfriend jealous. And then he was one of those he

was affliction literally affliction shirt guy and god he he came over he was fine at that point but you know she goes away with him we end up going back upstairs and we're just hanging out just hammered fucking drunk and it's like three o'clock in the morning. We start hearing some woman yelling down the hall like, Can somebody give me a ride home? I need a ride home. Can somebody give me a ride home for this asshole? No, you shut up. And it's him and the girl.

Walsh was next door to us, and they came up to throw him out. And then we got him into our room. It's like an embassy. Yeah. No, we were in your room at the time walsh had gone out and started arguing with them again it's like three in the morning walsh is bringing this to a higher level outside our room and then security comes up well before even that like we just he's yelling at the guys so we doug and i just drop trowel and walk out of the hall what the fuck's going on we're trying to sleep in here that's the thing i remember myself

as the cooler of this situation i forget the part where i walk out with my fucking balls hanging out well it was a Wednesday. Well, we got out there, and as soon as we're out there, then see the security guy out of the corner of my eye. I hear the door close behind me because Doug's gone back into the room, and I'm just out there standing with my pants down with Walsh, and Walsh is just yelling. It's like, you guys, 15 minutes, you're out of here. So Walsh and I just go back to the room, you know, pants up at that point.

Like scolded children. Yeah, well. I'm sorry I had my pants out in the hallway. And Walsh is in the room just yelling the motherfucker through the door. The guy's standing out. We're right next to where the elevators are. And the guy's just nonstop going, you piece of shit, fucking assholes,

God, motherfucking thing. And they, like, for like five minutes, and then sticks his head out. Are you really kicking us out? And now that guy's on the bachelor. This is the wrap of the first Doug Stanhope Blotto biography series of podcasts.

We don't have a name yet, but it's no longer the Doug Stanhope I Don't Have a Podcast, because I think this warrants a podcast. And may I drop a plug for my podcast, Doug? The Whiskey Brothers. The Whiskey Brothers. Whiskey Brothers Podcast. You can find us at praisewhiskey.com. Yes, I want to hear the episode with Mike McRae doing Mitt Romney doing the aristocrats.

Do you know what number? I have it. It's on YouTube, actually. The Whiskey Brothers have just that bit. If you cut it down, oh, you have just that bit? Yeah, it's just that bit. Fucking email me that bit. So I'll plug that on fucking, what's the new one?

MySpace? Is it LinkedIn? I'm a little behind the times. This is the last stupid podcast that you'll have to hear. All right, Junior Stopka, Jack and Dino, Rob Mungle, along with, of course, Greg Chaley and Bingo. That's it. We'll sew this together with some other Brett Erickson stories.

We're going to see him on the road. Who fucking knows who we're going to see on this three weeks. And you'll hear this shit someday. Play the Matoid. You have been listening to the Duckstan Hope Podcast. Recorded at the Houston Improvisation. With Rob Mungle, Jack and Dino, Junior Stoutka and Bingo. Engineered by Greg Chaley. Music by Mishka Shoupel and Thomas Hoyt. and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

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and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and the other things. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good and do your blues, it's party time dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time.

Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go Party time Party time Party time

Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time! Yeah! Party time! Hey! Party time! Yeah! Party time! Party time!

Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time!