The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #004: The Dorfman Brothers

Episode Date: June 2, 2013

Doug talks to legendary comedy club owners, Andrew & Brian Dorfman.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Nashville at Zanies Comedy Club, which the Nashville Zanies is one of the best structured comedy clubs for comedy. Brian and Andrew Dorfman, legendary comedy club owners together under one roof at the Nashville Zanies on St. Patrick's Day. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass

of anything Well am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight. The only one drinking tonight. Spring break gone broke, it's wrong. Now I'm the only one. This is an actual date rap right now? No, it bothers me that when you listen to podcasts,

because I listen to shit that might be four years old. Big Star Trek fan. They'll say, oh, I'll be at the fucking Sir Laugh-a-Lot. Great club. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. No, Sir Laugh-a-Lot was Springfield, Missouri. But they'll plug their dates without giving the year. I'm not a guy that...

I listen to this shit on the road because young people who know how to work iPods know how to put it on. But I have a date every year at Sir Laughs-A-Lot. There's another one? This is Sir Laughs-A-Lot? Yes. All right.

This is the Blotto Biography podcast since after 23 years of comedy. I don't remember a fucking thing I've done with my life. All right, this is the Blotto Biography podcast. Since after 23 years of comedy, I don't remember a fucking thing I've done with my life other than constantly been in a circle of the road. And this is a special one that we didn't think would happen. I have both the Dorfman brothers, legendary comedy club owners, in the same room, in the green room at Zany's in Nashville.

Andrew Dorfman used to run Uncle Funny's in the day down in Davie, Florida. Brian Dorfman has run Zany's here in Nashville forever. And good goodness. Good goodness. Actually, Big Dorf just moved to Nashville. Do you know that? He lives here from... Yeah, he told me, you live here now

Big Dorfman was the scariest club owner Next to Steve Scharippa That you ever worked for Just so you know, okay I have a standing offer with Don Marrera Because he used to say that about Scharippa too And I love Scharippa I know that he and I can go in a ring

And I'll be the one walking out Oh, I believe that I got him hands down Scharippa falls into the know that he and I can go in a ring and I'll be the one walking out. Oh, I believe that. There's no way. So he's not. I got him hands down. Sharippa falls into the category. I'm telling you, Bert will kick you. I got Bert. Sharippa falls into the category

where I always used to say, when did we become the people we used to pretend to be? And Sharippa was always the guy that pretended to be the guy on the Sopranos, and it worked out for him. But yeah, I'd have my money on you too. Any day of the week. He's a great guy. Not mocking, but I'm telling you, he's not coming out of that room.

You never hit me. He did. Not hard. It was the legendary quote. Steve Schrippa, he was on the Sopranos later, but he used to run the Riviera, and he'd say to me as an opener, he was the first guy that booked me in a real club, and he'd go,

you're doing seven minutes, not... Oh, fuck, I'm going to screw it up. Yeah, not 701, not 699. Seven. He ran a tight room, he did, he's a tough guy. So now you're Seven. Seven. That's Steve. He ran a tight room.

He did. He's a tough guy. Tough guy. So now you're my age and you're the younger brother. Yes. Well, you're the one that's punchy and doesn't remember shit like I don't. Well, you know, the 80s were not as good to me as they were to Brian. That's for sure.

I still had hope in the 80s. You and I, when you came to Uncle Funny's, we used to party down and have a good time. I remember you used to, you booked me once with Otto and George. Yes. Because at that time, Otto and George was legendary for maybe not showing up at all. Correct. So you had to co-headline them. And Otto, out of all the comics, has the best segue into a joke I ever heard in my whole entire life.

He had a guy heckling him. And he looked at him and goes, I'm going to fuck you in the ass so hard your shoes are going to be full of blood. Everybody have a good Halloween here? Like, what? Good Halloween? What was that? You had me do something with him, and I think it was after a three-show Saturday

where they were doing some... The radio was hosting something at a bar that after three shows, you still wanted us to go to a bar. You had to do the puppets. I'm going to follow you. I'll be over there. Like, no, you come with us. We'll drive you. I'm going to follow you. I'll be over there. Like, no, you come with us. We'll drive you.

No, I'll follow you. He didn't show up. Got to be honest, I have no clue what you're talking about. I think it was like a titty bar or something that we were supposed to go to for political reasons. Uncle Finey's turned into a titty bar. Yeah, well, it wasn't a titty bar. It was a Sofa King sports bar. That's what we turned it into.

You know, Sofa King. You're like your girl, Sofa King. Hot, the bear, Sofa King. It was actually the first R-rated sports bar in That's what we turned it into. You know, the Suffolk King. You're like your girl, Suffolk King. It was actually the first R-rated sports bar in the United States. And we got sued by the motion picture industry that we had to take R-rated out of the name. Because they...

The MPAA owns R-rated. They own R-rated. The suit... He wasn't smart enough to spell it. Oh, you are. Actually, the lawsuit we got, the booklet, it was literally like 700 pages long, the lawsuit that they sent to us. But it was the first R-rated sports bar ever.

And it'll probably be the last because of that. I used to get booked as triple X rated. No, you were comedy clubs. You were triple R rated because there was no nudity. No, I don't know about here, but comedy clubs in general. But they'll never sue you for that. Triple X, they distance themselves. Hollywood didn't register triple X.

No, actually. We have a fact checker in the back, Radley Balco. They distanced themselves. Hollywood didn't register triple X. Oh, really? We have a fact checker in the back. Radley Balco. Actually, X-rated you can use. Anybody can use X-rated. You can't use R-rated, G, PG. But X-rated you can use. And triple X is also open.

Right. That is actually correct. Yeah, but R-rated we couldn't use. Speaking of, I am sponsored by Saks Underpants with two X's. I'm doing sponsorship for products I like and hopefully they come around and say, yeah. That way I just promote Saks Underpants. You're a fucking old dude. I'd show them to you.

What is Saks underpants. You're a fucking old dude. I'd show them to you. Yeah. No. What is Saks underpants? They're underpants where they have like a ball cup inside. If you have long balls, they keep- Spanx. Spanx for men. But it's actual like wings that hold your ball. Wings.

It's fucking good. It's going to be 50 pretty soon. I'll have saggy balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they drop. All right. So which one of you booked me first? I think it was you.

I will tell you the story. It's 100% me. All right. Because... I say it's me. Will the real person... I will tell the story. Wait, these are the Dorfmans.

I will refer to you as Nashville and Florida. That's true. Davey fired you and then said... No, no, no, no. You got to book him. Let him go. That's what I'm saying. Let Nashville go. I didn't I'm saying. Let Nashville go.

I didn't book you. Here. All right. Lenny Sissleman booked you here. It was the manager before me. Saw you at a comedy festival in Florida. Okay. This already sounds Friars Club.

Lenny Sissleman was that guy. Exactly. Remember? Okay. No. Exactly. We used to nosh. 19, bop, bop, bop, bop.

Okay. No. So, and I had never seen him. He goes, oh, you got to see this guy. He's hilarious. Okay. So, that's where I think it was still like a Tuesday through Sunday week, whatever it was. But you got here like Wednesday night.

And the show is your show. It's not easy to sit there and watch an audience and not having a clue what the show was. I think I'm going to see Doug Stano tell knock-knock jokes or whatever the fuck it's going to be. It's a joke. I am laughing. My style of comedy

17 years ago, or 16 and a half or whatever the hell it was, probably was not the style of comedy for Nashville, Tennessee. Right. And the crowd was a little uncomfortable, I guess, is a pretty good word to say. So, I'm like scrambling. I'm like laughing.

I'm crying. I got a lot of emotions going through me at this moment. So, that's when I put like triple X rated everywhere, make the announcement for the shows, all that kind of stuff. So, go through all week. We get through whatever walkouts we had. No fights. Nothing bad.

Nothing bad. Sunday night, I pay you. I said, Doug, I cannot remember the last time I've laughed this hard. I go, personally, I love you. I go, do not be offended if I never book you again. I go, here's my brother's phone number. He will give you as many weeks a year as you want. Go down to where the Coke is.

They like this kind of humor down in South Florida. That's 100% true. That's 100% true. And you actually called me up because I told – I mean I never booked – I shouldn't say I never booked, but I didn't book you for a bunch of years. And I told everybody, if you have a chance to see this guy, go see him. I didn't book you. Not here in Nashville. Is this a story about you?

I was the first guy that you had to apologize for firing? Well, no. That's a completely separate story. All right, good. Go ahead. Keep going. Well, that one was. Let me just back up.

I know how you feel, both of you, because we do a huge Super Bowl party every year. And I live in a very condensed, silent residential neighborhood, which is the last two streets before a long way to Mexico. And we've had bands play there. We've had no noise complaints and neighbors, but it's so quiet that if you just had a conversation this loud, you can hear it two blocks away if you're on your porch. And they've never complained about bands. Then one Super Bowl, we thought, hey, let's put up some comics because they want to go up.

And we put up Christine Levine, who's fucking hilarious. And she got about four minutes in. And I'm already like, okay, they're on a microphone, which is unnecessary in this neighborhood. And she's talking about having four kids and how it destroyed her pussy. Her pussy looks like it swallowed a dog and it cheated its way out.

And I'm a Dorfman at the back of my yard. We're outside pacing back and forth going, oh, the comment is going to be good on this. I'm dying. And yeah, by eight minutes, the cops were there. Sorry, folks, we're not going to force you to drink mineral tonight.

Absolutely. We'll let you go on that. It was an uncomfortable weekend. Free passes for Mustang Sally will be here for the 4th of July party. No, then you came down to Uncle Funny's and we booked you twice a year for five years. I don't think we had problems. No, no. They loved you down by me.

Yeah. Radio, we did great. You came down. You hung out. You and Batsy. That's where you met Batsy. I used to do my impression of him. It wasn't a good impression.

I used to do my impression of him. It wasn't a good impression, but I remember him picking me up from the airport and talking shit about comics. And these comics called me the way I said the impression, not the right, accurate words. And then Richard Jenny calls me up and is like, I can't stay in the condo if it's got a microwave because I got a pacemaker. And I'm like, fuck him. He can pay for his own hotel. My impressions of club owners who brag about how badly they treat comics to the comics.

It was based in something. I still remember the punchline. I don't know what you actually said. I don't think what you actually said. That's funny. I don't think I said that. You didn't say anything like that. I wrote that

before the passing of Richard Jennings. Give me an Uncle Funny story. You know what? We didn't have any problems there. Actually, there's probably one club where you were allowed to come back to. You were welcome there all the time. I remember the

guy doing the bit about the AA guy who said, and it was actually written there based on this was Joe Vernon, my friend who's a clean and sober guy that would always talk about AA but tell me you're funnier when you're drunk, was based on a three-show Saturday,

which is fucking nightmarish to a comic. Especially one with a drinking problem. Yes, and a 7 o'clock show to elderly, blue-haired, old Floridians. And so I stayed vaguely sober through the first show, had a great second show, third show I'm fucked up, and I did some blow, which is easy to find around there,

and fucking killed. And that's when he's like, yeah, yeah, you're kind of right, you are funnier when you're fucked up. Because he stayed there for all three shows. When we get comics who call us and say, hey, I just went through AA and I'm just cleaned up and I need some help getting some work.

The first thing we say, are you still funny? Because when they get all cleaned up, they're not funny anymore. Yeah, you probably can't drop any. Wait, I was going to say names of people that, how about dead guys that were, let's go with the dead. We can talk about the dead. Dead guys? No, I'm saying you don't. We can talk about the dead. Dead guys? No, I'm saying you don't want to name names of people that got sober and weren't funny anymore. That's not what this podcast is about, but we'll talk about it afterwards.

We are in a green room. Who, like Dak Raycow, when he cleaned up was not as funny? Remember Dak? No, I know. He went as Kodak for a while. I know the name. My father said he saw him at your club. My brother's sister-in-law,

their fucking in-law, he saw Dak Rakow at your club. That's how I know the name. And he's one. He used to go by the name Kodak and actually got sued by Kodak and had to get rid of the name. He couldn't use the name Kodak anymore. Well, we're not sponsored by Kodak. Kodak, there's another one. Kodak, yeah.

Actually, the last week, you guys know who Kodak is, right? He was a magician and stuff. Last week before he got straightened up, he used to juggle and stuff, and we had a kid's show. He got so drunk, he was juggling balls and bounced one right off the kid's head right in the front row. Just bounced a couple of them off. Only time you want to see someone juggle

is when they fuck up. I don't want to see you do this well. You need to go to rehab because the kid came down and was crying. He just busted it right off this kid's head. Alright, tell me about the time I was fired. Actually, I didn't fire you from the club.

Doing the Bob and Tom tours. Oh, yeah. Right? Which brings it back to you. So we're doing the tour. And we just started doing tours. They were pretty good. So Tom goes, let's do it.

He likes the show. I said, Doug's probably not going to be. You started doing the radio show. Tom is always a huge fan. First few times was recoiling in horror, thought I'd never be back, and then I was surprised. And then the last several times I've done it, it's like really overly complimentary

to the point where you're like, you really fucking like me? Because of the shows and the success that you had on the show, he liked it. He goes, let's do some, you know, let's put Doug Eichel. We can't just put Doug on with you know, Patty Vasquez or something.

You just put four comics together. They're all relatively clean. Pat Godwin doing funny songs. I'm trying to remember who was on that tour. Well, it was. It wasn't Pat Godwin. No, no, no. We did the Dirty Show.

So it was you. Oh, it was Uncle Lair. Uncle Lair. Let me think of the third one. I'm trying to think of the third one. Schubert. There you go. Jimmy Schubert.

And another thing. And another thing. Don't make me bring out Stinky the Sack Puppet So then you go to South Bend So in South Bend There's only the second one I don't know if it was the first or second one And then, you can tell

I know exactly You made fun of the club owner Sean Rouse, who you brought up earlier in conversation I love Sean Rouse I think one of the funniest guys of my career that started after me. Well, you brought him into the club. You introduced me to him.

He's fucking brilliant. He's still brilliant. He's just a physical wreck with rheumatoid arthritis and the new knees. He's fucked. Book Sean Ross. This podcast sponsored by Sean Ross. Anyway, he had been fucked so hard by that lady in South Bend.

One of these like crippling stories where he drove all the way from L.A. to do South Bend. And he's a polite kid and he goes in and he does what they hired him to do. And there was a rape bit and there was some woman from a rape crisis center. I'm going to say one thing. Was it the rape crisis or was she or was that the one she was pregnant? I don't know. Abortion, whatever it was.

It was some hot rape abortion. They're all the same. Well, someone from the crowd led something. Again, I wasn't there. I think she was in the crowd though. Yeah, she was in the crowd led something. Again, I wasn't there. I think she was in the crowd, though. Yeah, she was in the crowd. Okay, yeah, yeah. And she went apeshit about his act.

And the woman, whoever she is, fired him without paying him because that woman who led a big rape crisis, abortion, whatever. I don't know what whatever the league was. Whoever boycotted Deadshot. He drove all the way from LA. She paid him for that night and said, well, I'm sorry. Is that Lisa Grigsby? No, no, no. Grigsby's fucking great.

She's from Dayton. It was a girl from South Bend, Indiana. South Bend, Indiana. I don't know what it is. Anyway, she was at the show. I'm saying wasn't she in the audience? I think she was at the audience. Oh, I think I heard later she was in the show. I think she was. Whatever you said. Anyway, I went on a giant fucking

tirade in South Bend about how fucked the lady from the Funny Bone was and wished death on her children. I don't know. It was a long, drawn-out tirade. It was half my act. Right.

Then I got fired. Sent home. So obviously because of that, so there's a Bob and Tom affiliate in South Bend. They're getting complaints. Bob and Tom are getting complaints, and they love you. I go, oh, we can't do this.

So I called Judy at the time, your manager, and I said, Judy, I they love you. I go, oh, we can't do this. So I called Judy at the time, your manager. And I said, Judy, I go, you know I love Doug. I go, but we can't do these shows anymore. I go, we can't do it. And then you called me to apologize. I'm like, Doug, I'm sorry. It was my fault. Oh, yeah.

I mean, like, the whole thing. I'm like, ooh. I knew I shouldn't be on the Bob and Tom tour. That's exactly right. But I was in a place where I can afford to get fired. Sean Rouse, on the other thing. I knew I shouldn't be on the Bob and Tom tour, but I was in a place where I can afford to get fired. Sean Rouse, on the other hand, they're just like a guy that's like hand to mouth.

Literally fucking hand to mouth. And he's not a guy that's going to complain or has any weight to throw around, and he's crippled. I still fucking... I played South Bend for the first time since on the

September tour at some shithole, fun shithole. I say shithole knowing that's where I belong. I still fucking brought it up. There's only a few people who piss me off in this industry and I remember them.

All our good stories. Who are the people who pissed you off? Let's go there. They'll know. And then, actually, when some tragic happening befalls them, they'll never look all the way back to 1994 to Doug Stanhope, and you didn't pay him what? Lansing, Michigan.

And you didn't pay him what? Lansing, Michigan. No, actually, I think one of the most uncomfortable moments in this club, which I laugh my – to this day is one of my favorite jokes I've ever heard a person say, but it's the South. So it was probably – we had a five-year break there from the first time. And so this is one of those early 7 o'clock shows. And you are just railing on the Bible. Whatever.

I had those years. Exactly. Before I realized it's trout in a barrel. Didn't make a difference. You could just see this lady almost like tears her eyes. And she shouts something out. And I think your line was, did you read the Bible? I've read the Bible.

I drove from Shreveport, Louisiana to Lexington, Kentucky. I read it one billboard at a time. I remember that. I mean, so this lady's walking out. I can't go to her, ma'am. that is one of the most brilliant jokes i've ever heard i gotta sit there and eat shit from this lady knowing it's my favorite joke i'm gonna tell fucking everybody this joke afterwards and just getting yelled at for about five minutes she has tears in her eyes about you beating up the bible

most fun days were back in the nobody knows you days of comedy because you were playing to anyone who would walk into a comedy club blind. And I really miss that crying bachelorette party. She missed it too, absolutely. The lady, she's missing you too every night. She's like, boy, I wish those were great days with Doug. Do you have a good firing story, boy, I wish those were great days with Doug. Do you have a good firing story? No, I never

fired. The only thing that you educated me in life a little bit at Montreal Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. This is the story you said. We can't tell this. Yeah, tell it. Okay. Well, I was up there. You were up there with Betsy. Yeah. And for some reason you guys decided to spend the night with me

because I had a room. You guys didn't have a room or something was going on. We spent the night with you? I just heard you guys laughing in the bathroom. I'm like, what's going on? And you were peeing on Betsy in the shower. That's bullshit. That happened in Salt Lake City. No, you told me it was going on right in there.

And I'm like, what the heck is going on in there? I know. I know this story because Betsy turned it into a bit where I peed on her in a tub. Oh, wait. Maybe I'm wrong. Because Betsy and I were real close. I peed on her in a tub somewhere, and then she got me back by peeing in coffee that she made. She peed on you.

Exactly. It's the whole story. Yeah, she peed in coffee that she made. She peed on you. Exactly. It's the whole story. Yeah, she peed in a... Your coffee. Yeah, she made a pot of coffee with pee in the... Yes. So it was filtered. You educated me in life about that

because I married 23 years. Would never think to ever pee on somebody. 23 years, as long as I've been doing comedy. I'm almost at a point in August I will have done comedy longer than I didn't do comedy before that. That's fucking scary. Wow. That's a long time.

It is. And that lady here at 7 o'clock Saturday night will debate you on the comedy part. Yeah. It's not for everyone. That's why we keep moving. All right. I don't know how we're going to wrap this up, but I'll take that other cocktail.

Then we'll... Remember when I used to get whores back over to your comedy condo? Now I have these guys. I won't even introduce you because I want to talk to you tomorrow night. Have these guys. How the hell can you not have a great firing story about him? I won't even introduce you because I want to talk to you tomorrow night. Firing story about him? You've never fired anyone. No, I've never fired anybody.

Oh, have I ever fired anybody? You used to call me and throw people off stage and say, I'll close the show. Bill Maher, throwing him out of the club, almost killing him. Ran him out of a club in Kendall. He threw me out of his 4th of July party once. I literally ran him out of a club and almost killed him. How long ago?

It's probably 15 years ago? 12 years ago? He was on the show, whatever, it was Rascals. We had a club down in Kendall called Rascals Comedy Club and he came in to do a one-night show. And he was getting ready to do an HBO special. So we were recording it. And after the show, he was asking for his VHS, you know, the tape.

And the manager, Marcus, at the time got so busy, he forgot to press play. So he didn't record the show. And it was a great show. Sold out, you know, 450 people. So I was a great show sold out you know 450 people so um i walked into the to the room and you know me for a long time you know i'm i'm not really good at humble but i walked i said uh mr marr i don't know how to explain this to you but our manager got a little caught up and forgot to press play so i don't have have a VHS for you, and I apologize.

And he goes, that's all I need to hear. And he pushed me out of the room. And I started to walk out, and there was a young lady by the name of Linda. What was Linda's last name? She used to work for Rascals in New Jersey. And she was the man. She looked at me and she goes, well, that didn't go well. And I went, that sawed-off little motherfucker.

And I walked in, kicked open the door, and I said, listen, I don't give a fuck who you are, but I'm about to kick your fucking ass if you don't get out of my fucking club. And I grabbed him and we started, walked him right down the hallway, threw him in his car. Wait, wait, can I stop for one second? Okay, he was only doing the early show. But we were doing a late show as well. So there are

300 people. This is not an empty club. So there is in line to get a next show. And now he also has him by the scruff of the neck, and he's dragging him through the club. So now they're not there to see Bill Maher, but they know who Bill Maher is. Now Bill Maher is getting drugged through the club.

And if it was in the days of camera phones, it would have been a great story. The next day I get a phone call from his agent saying, I hear things didn't go so well, and I explained to him. Because, listen, I understand that Bill gets a little uppy, but you forgot to pay him. And sent him the check afterwards. That's a fucking great story. You guys should have the Dorfman Brothers podcast.

Just telling fucking road stories. Oh, fuck. We could tell everything about him for a little bit. What did I do? Fighting. Actually, I've got to tell you the truth. When we first opened Vernon Hills. Did you ever hit a comic?

Almost. Bill Maher. But even earlier than that, though. No, earlier. I'm just telling you, when we first opened Vernon Hills. Yep. So that opened up in September or October, and it was March. It was a special game.

There was a whole cable special. Like North Shore Magazine was doing a special. And Bill, after proving he didn't want to do it, we actually had to send him out of town. Rick Ude, who started Zany's and everything like that, called Andrew up and said, because Andrew wanted to go down to the club. He was actually at the house. He was going to drive him out of town. Rick Ude, who started Zany's, called Andrew up and said, because Andrew wanted to go down to the club. He was actually at the house. He was going to drive back to the club and beat the fuck out of Bill Maher. Rick actually called him

up and said, Andrew, not only are you not going to do that, he sent you out of town. He said, go do something. He said, get out of wherever you were. You're going to beat up Bill Maher. That's like beating up me. Yeah, no, but he had anger problems. But he did. Exactly, yeah.

I never hit a comic. Never. Never. Thought about it a few times. You just said, fuck it, I'll use this material. There's nothing wrong with that. I used a lot of people's material. I'm very free and honest about that.

Actually, I never used anything from anybody who was going anywhere. No, no. That's why we have open mics. Again, you were playing to crowds that had to hear the fucking weakest shit in the world. Thanks a lot. All right. If you and Bobby Jewell were in a comedy competition. No, no, no, you can't even compare Bobby to me.

Bobby Jewell is probably the biggest douchebag. We're going to tell what comics you don't like. Actually, the thing about Bobby, if there was ever a show about a comedy club, he is the perfect comedy club owner. I mean, he's the quintessential comedy club owner. There used to be a comedy club in Tampa called Side Splitters. I'm pretty sure it's gone. But they're the most legendary piece of shit douchebag owner.

They should have called him Bobby the Wig because he had the worst toupee. Now, I'd worked... And slept in the condo with the comics. He never did that. Well, here's the thing. I worked there two times, and the condo with the comics. He never did that. Here's the thing. I worked there two times and the staff was great. We still have great friends. He dated one of their waitresses

who lived with her for years. Great because he wasn't there. The third time I was booked there we showed up. The Tampa Bay Lightning had me as the guest guy that goes, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for The Tampa Bay Lightning had me as the guest guy that goes, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the Tampa Bay Lightning?

Just done the man show. They get me a jersey with Stan Hope on it, which I traded to Josh Blue, and I want it back, Josh Blue. I was drunk 10 years ago. Now I'm old. We're fucked up. Me and my tour manager here, Greg Ch Chaley we get in a cab to go to side splitters Dr. Dirty is

playing so we show up and eat bite fucks up we come in blazing drunk and Bobby Jewel is there and then all I can see is the wig it looks like the worst

fucking Dom Herrera probably wrote that joke about see is the wig. The wig. The worst fucking Dom Herrera probably wrote that joke about Bobby Jewel's wig. And it's all I can see. And evidently, you don't mention Bobby Jewel's wig. It's like Tom Sobel's baby

cunt on his nose from Comedy Caravan. You never met Tom Sobel. Absolutely. Perennial weeping sore on his nose from Comedy Caravan. You never met Tom Selleck. Absolutely. He had this perennial weeping sore on his nose. He used to wear a band-aid. It never went away. No one could explain it. The worst part about it is it really did look like

a baby cunt. I don't know if you guys know that, but that's exactly what it looked like. Yeah. But he had it for like years. Yeah, he did have it for years. No one could explain what it was. I'm like, I'd heard about it when I saw him. It's this giant open weeping thing, and it was a giant nose, and then he would close talk you.

So this giant weeping nose sore is coming at you every time he leans in to tell you how great Gallagher really is as a social commentator. He kissed Bingo's hand. Oh, this is your girlfriend Bingo. And he leaned down to kiss her hand and she's trying to move her hand away from the fucking sword. So anyway, Bobby Jewell,

I made some crack about his fucking wig thinking he was well aware of the fact he owns a comedy club and he wears the worst, absolute. And it has a chin strap to pay. That's the joke that Dom Herrera wrote about Bobby Jewel. Right. Right. And then I see on his face that that didn't go down too well. And then you don't realize till you wake up in the morning. Oh, I did a social faux pas

maybe we can get over this and it was obvious throughout the week he fucking hated me Sunday night we start playing poker after the place shuts down with the staff and Bobby Jewel this is the it's all in no you know no limit

no buy no rebuys this and that. And I kicked his ass. And then he's like, well, I'm buying back in. I'm like, you said no rebuys. And then it's getting real tense. And he said something. He's like, oh, yeah, you don't want to work here again, do you?

I go, you think I'd come back to this shit hole? And he's like, that's it. And he fucking grabbed me. And then everyone had to fucking break it up. Really? And then, yeah. And then I fucking, I, then I. I'll let you buy in if you throw the wig in.

So I took him in the office and I go, all right, just to settle things down. I took him in and I go, all right, listen, let's be quiet for a second and then as soon as, because they're all listening, as soon as we've waited for a pregnant pause, then

we just start kicking fucking file cabinets, lock the door, and just make it sound like a full-on fucking brawl and that'll kill the fucking tension because I like to do that. And then he went along with it, but I still fucking woke up hating his guts. Yeah, it broke the tension for a minute and he goofed

along. But yeah, I fucking hate that guy. I hate you with every rotten tooth in my head. Black eyes to you, motherfucker. He's actually a really nice guy. No, he's a terrible. He's a fucking terrible person. No, he's actually a really nice guy no he's a terrible he's a fucking terrible person no he's fired

two guys that were featuring there once he found out they were friends of mine Brendan Walsh and Brett Erickson two of the best and fucking Walsh is on fire now two of the best fucking comics and not like fuck up you know comics they were like

yeah club owners have the right to do shit like that yeah that's what And not like fuck up comics. Club owners have the right to do shit like that. That's what we do. And he's got the right to talk about shit on his podcast. I'm telling you, if there's ever a comedy club, he's the perfect owner. He is. For a sitcom comedy club. He does. He does. He lives it. He acts it. But if you

sat down and had a drink with him, you'd get along fine with him. Well, I tried to that night. I was shit-faced and mentioned his fucking wig. Well, the wig's not the best. That's for sure. Alright. Wrap it up. Just show it in time. Apparently we overstayed our welcome

no no no I've been worried about you the whole fucking time I was on stage tonight I'm like fucking Dwarfman just drove from Tallahassee watching the clock have more fun doing this see I told you he cares he's a giver

that's what I've always said cares. He's a giver. That's what I've always said about him. He's a giver. He should be a father because he'd be the perfect dad. You had one waitress here that was kind of... I think Hedberg had something to do with her. She was a bit legendary.

Here? We had a couple. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think of the Hedberg days around when you first booked me. You were booking Hedberg. I think in my memory, it was like a haunted castle

that I stayed in, that she lived in. It was back in my let me just jerk off on your tits days. That was your closing move. That was my brother. You don't want to fuck me? Here?

The first time I worked here. She let me stay at her house. I thought you said jerking off at her tits. I thought you were talking about my brother. What? What? Was she crazy? Yes.

Was it Mary Jane? Was that her name? Yes. That sounds familiar. I'm going to tell you. One thing. Here's one thing about this girl. You could, as a guy running a club, any girl can call at any time and call off.

Say you got plumbing problems. There's not a single guy will go, oh, whatever. Okay, good. And argue with you you got plumbing problems. There's not a single guy will go, oh, whatever. Okay, good. And argue with you about your plumbing problems. So she wanted to go to a party on Saturday night. This girl called off

with pancreatic cancer. I'm just telling you. She was fine on Tuesday. But she had a, I mean, that's all you got to do. She actually called off work with pancreatic cancer. She's back Saturday. It was a Saturday. She wanted to go to a party.

I just, I don't think, I thought that was a little unnecessary. And if you talk to anybody at the time, and then I'll tell you one more story. We had – Earthquake was here. So this is like the first time. This is probably 15 years ago. Earthquake was here and Earthquake was working here on Halloween week. Okay. Can we wear costumes?

Sure. Wear costumes. So me being Jewish and Earthquake being black, I thought Hitler was a little excessive for a waitress to be wearing. That's the costume she chose. And the bakery had a cancer. Exactly. She's not right either. She walks into the club as Hitler.

That is hot. It is hot. It is kind of hot. I just didn't think that was the best outfit. It wasn't a great choice. And you fired me. I never fired you. I waited until Sunday. I just don't think it's a good fit.

And I said, I don't think... It's not you, it's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But what about the girl in the i did send her home though she was here before i got here yeah yeah no i i think there was she was batshit crazy by the way there's some clubs that you show up and you work and they're like oh i remember uh pitt remember Pittsburgh where there's a club.

The improv in Pittsburgh used to have a waitress that was legendary for she fucked a tell. Norton peed or she peed on Norton in the green room toilet. We've all done that. And I'm like, oh, are you the girl? Yeah. Cut to. Yeah. What's your fetish?

Wow. Yeah, what's your fetish? Wow. Yeah, if you peed on Norton, I guess I don't have to try real hard. That's hilarious. Yeah, Mary Jane, I think, was your... I can't tell you if she peed on anybody. I can just tell you. No, no, she was more known for Crazy

A lot of comics got close to it Alright, I'm getting fucked up Let's wrap it up Okay, let's go get fucked up Wait, you're still up? Yeah, let's go get an 8-ball Oh, that's back in the 80s, sorry That's another Uncle Funny story

We got some coke this week That someone palmed us at the merch booth and had to throw it out. Even Bingo is like, no. I will say one thing, though. He might be the only club owner to party with a comedian on a Saturday night and actually try and force the comic to cancel Sunday night. The comic wanted to do the show. Andrew goes, I'm too fucked up. I don't want to do the show. No, people bought tickets.

Let's do the show. No, I don't want to do the show. That probably hasn't happened too often. No, that's true. So who was that? He's doing well. That's what I'm going to say. Did you say he's in a program?

Hey, he wasn't anonymous then. He was not anonymous then, but he's in a program now. All right, get us a round of drinks. These guys have fucking too many stories. I'm going to just milk you. I'm polite, and I think that you want to leave, but you have too many fucking good stories, so I'm going to just keep talking until you guys go, fuck it.

You wrap it up. Three cocktails or just one? I'll grab a Bud Light. Bud Light? Bingo? I'll bartend. I got a notepad. Bud Light?

Bud Light? I'm just drinking vodka on the rocks. Bud Light? I'm just drinking vodka on the rocks. That's a wicked lie. He's giving you the eye of his... No, it's vodka on the rocks. It's flavored vodka, but it's vodka. Flavored like what?

It's called loopy vodka. It's Fruit Loop vodka. Oh, shit. Fruit Loop vodka. Fruit Loop vodka. I like you're getting... But it's vodka on the rock. ...faggoty like me in my old age.

I don't want to recoil from a shot anymore. No, I drink stuff that tastes like nothing or good. It tastes delicious. Absolutely. Can I get a blueberry vodka? Blueberry vodka. Yes. Yeah, can I get a Count Chocula gin?

You know what I bet? I think they have. I bet you they make that now. All right. We're back from break. That break was sponsored by Brian Dorfman will let me smoke a fucking cigarette in the green room. Absolutely.

Will you? Absolutely. All right. Give me a cigarette. I saw an ashtray over there. We have respected the don't smoke in the condo thing. Well, that's nice, but fucking my manager smokes here all the time. Why shouldn't you?

Oh, yeah, I'm the smoke Nazi. Oh, I thought it was him. Nah. No, no, no. But thank you for respecting the condo. Yeah, yeah, no. We do that. Well, I read the rules. What you we had in the condo yeah yeah no we do that well i read the rules what are the rules in the condo the rule is if you uh if you smoke in the condo you will never

be booked back ever again which you know at this point i think never again maybe someday. I remember your condo in Davie, Florida. Do you remember when I worked with, at that time probably D.T. Tosh now known as Dan Tosh and Chicken was the opener. Do you remember

this? Michael Roof. Michael Roof was the MC. By the way, the only. We're all staying. By the way, the only comic I've ever fired. Did you fire him? I fucking love you for that. But finish your story. I'll tell you why, though.

Well, he was a fucking prick. He was killing. This guy made Dane Cook look like fucking Lenny Bruce as dumb as he was he would come out with such nothing where hey guys don't you hate going to dance clubs and all the people are like and then he'd cue his music

and it'd be hey Sheila it's your birthday and all he'd do is dry hump the stool and then jump in the audience and dry hump a dude in the front row and the crowd would go ape shit like this is there's no premise

there's nothing other than don't you hate dance clubs because guys are like this Q and dry humps a dude and he was destroying at your club in Davie so hard where they Dan Tosh,

they're chanting for chicken. He went by the name Chicken. After my show, they're chanting for chicken. And then he would, and you'd say, hey, listen, you do whatever, 12 minutes, 15 minutes, and he would do seven extra minutes.

And he wouldn't listen to you. He wouldn't listen to fucking management. Just do his time. He's a guy I fucking pushed into a men's room. Like, you're a fucking cunt. You do your fucking time. Don't be a prick. Worked out well for him.

Yeah, he killed himself. Woo-hoo! I just did Tosh.0 and I haven't seen him since a long, long time ago. And I go, did you read where fucking chicken killed himself how happy were you and he's like and dan tarsh said something like conciliatory like yeah i guess he had a hard time i go but how happy were you he goes oh don't get me wrong

i fucking shit my pants with joy what What a dick that guy was. And awful. I did not fire him for any type of comedian or comic reason. So he was the emcee. He was young. So one of the things I think an emcee should do is at least say goodnight to the customers. He fell asleep on Wednesday night and Thursday night. Never came back to the club. He He fell asleep on Wednesday night and Thursday night. Never came back to the club.

He just fell asleep. And then he did it in between. It was like Friday night. He did it like three nights in a row. And I said after Friday night early show, I figured this is going to be a problem. And I said, you got to go. Yeah, he was really cocky before his time. But it was not because of the comic stuff.

He literally just, that's when the house was the condo. We went across the street and just fell asleep. Never came back. He's the guy I think destroyed Montreal. He did destroy Montreal. He was the last big development deal. Yeah. They gave him the last big.

$250,000 I think he got. It might have been more. It was the last big deal. At least that's what everybody said. He did one or two shows and killed. And then immediately they canceled the rest of his shows before they saw through the facade. Right. And then started the bidding war.

And then he went on to do fucking nothing but kill himself, which is great. Tough closure to follow. This should be sponsored, I think, right now by someone like those antidepressant drugs. I think it's really sponsored by Alexa Pro.

I'm trying to think what Brian Hennigan would do right now, because Brian Hennigan's the guy that comes into the club if he's on the road with us, my manager, the Scotsman, and he'll go, what's the worst comedian you've had here? Who's the worst tipper? What's the guy?

You want to get the dirt on the comics. The comics are the worst crowd because the worst crowd I've ever had in my whole entire life is Jackie Mason's crowd. There's nothing worse than old Jews. I mean, you just walk up to a table of old Jews and go, was anything okay tonight? You should have hired Mary Jane to be a waitress that night. They are absolutely the absolute worst crowds ever. Let me ask you.

Yes. I should have a waitress in here to balance this out. Worse than, you probably haven't booked a Mark Lundholm comedy. I love Mark Lundholm. He's a great guy. Would you rather have old Jews or AA people? I'll give you one more. I'll give you one more worse than both of that.

We used to do Christian shows. So the crowds would laugh. But this is I've never seen that. Actually, somebody actually left a waitress a fake bill. So she thought it was a tip. And then you open up the bill and it was scripture on there. Oh, oh, oh. So it's like the waitress.

There'll be no money. But on your deathbed, you receive total consciousness. So I got that going for me. It was just so nice. I'm like, well, she really can't pay the rent with that one. Mark Lundholm's not a good guy. He's always nice to me. I'm anti-AA the same way I'm atheist.

Like, no, it's bullshit. I think he's got 10 different babies at 10 different clubs around the country. Really? Oh, yeah. He could fuck your waitresses sober? Oh, he's really great at that. Ah, sorry. Doug's over there.

Why don't you just piss on him and jerk off on him like everybody else? Who does he think he is? Fucking normal. him like everybody else. Who does he think he is? Fucking Earl. Normal. I will tell you a great customer story. Find a veteran waitress. I want to find out who the biggest

piece of shit tippers are. See if Chantel's still out there. So, group of six really drunk girls. And one was crazier drunk than the rest. Hang on. Hang on. Your brother's spitting vodka through his nose. Fruit Loop flavored vodka through his nose.

Are you going to tell the Wet Willie story after that? It's nothing. Nothing. No. So, six drunk girls at a table. One crazier drunk than the rest. So I find the most sober girl in the party that I can possibly find. I said, listen, she's got to go.

They all agree. Two of them are going to leave, so they pay the part of the bill for this girl and this girl, and they walk out. The other girl, I didn't really have a lot of conversation from, but I guess she was unhappy because she leaves the room and actually right behind this wall where we are sitting, she walks around, she unbuttons her pants, squats down,

and lays a deuce right there on the sidewalk. And I'm going to tell you, my security guard comes inside. We're over there. We're laughing. He comes inside. He wants over there. We're laughing. He's across. He comes inside. He wants to shoot her if he can.

He's never been more horrified. And the best part about that story is, so everybody that I played college hockey with, I tell that story to, they go, was she hot? This podcast should be called Before There Were Cell Phone Cameras. Absolutely. All the shit that, oh, I'd remember now

against my will. Like, oh, fuck. Thank God I'm not fucking 25 anymore. Since you're editing this, he can continue the story because that's one of our favorite stories because you can't beat that, right? You tell a story like that, you can't beat it. Well, we told it to one of our partners, a guy.

His name is Bill Dickinson, who owns Wet Willies. And as soon as he told that story, Bill goes, oh, I can beat that. I got a better story. Yeah, right. No, you tell the story. But at the end of the story, we were up in Louisville or whatever it was. Right, exactly. And he goes, ah.

And I've never heard that response before. He goes, ah, that's nothing.. And I've never heard that response before. He goes, ah, that's nothing. Nothing? I've never heard that response before. So you can tell the story. So Wet Willie's, it's a daiquiri bar. Yeah, I remember Wet Willie's. They were beside the knuckleheads.

By the way, it was whatever year it was. It was St. Paddy's Day, right? So they have a drink. Their number one drink that they sell millions of dollars with is a drink called Colicab. You drink that because you got a Colicab. And it's a frozen drink. It's exactly. Frozen drink, but it's got grain alcohol in it.

St. Paddy's Day, they're right down. They're in Savannah, and they're right on the river there. And back, they have thousands of people that come, so they take the street over up above just to put a line of port-a-potties out there to service all the people that it's that big of a party. So he goes up there to check on everybody to see how things are doing. And in the port-a-potty, the door's wide open, and there's a girl in there just leaning in, just throwing up in one of the porta-potties. And behind her is her boyfriend with her skirt up, just drilling her right in the porta-potty. I'm pumping it out of her. I was waiting for Doug to go,

that reminds me of a waitress in Pittsburgh. You know what? That's nothing. Bart Reid's club. What happened there? Bart Reid's club. You know Bart Reid?

I guess comedy club owners are a much smaller bunch than comedians. I used to work for him when I was a comic. In El Paso? You were a comic. In El Paso? Yeah. Wow. You were a comic? Yeah, many, many, many. I thought you just watched enough of them,

wrote some notes down, and went, obviously you have not played in Vallejo, California. I thought you were just cheap. I'll take a cocktail, and we're going to take a quick break here, and then cut in with an interstitial. I still want to know. What's an interstitial?

It's like a bumper. Okay, here's a real word. Interstitial? Doesn't fucking matter because it's fancy. You and I aren't going to disprove it. No, we're products of public schools. I don't understand those words. Fucking check that fucking reference into a board, hockey man.

Fucking check that fucking reference into a board, hockey man. Go to DougStanHoop.com. If you assholes would just take one second to either email me with what city you're in, I'll folder it in my Hotmail. Yes, I still have Hotmail. Or just sign up on my goddamn mailing list. Because eventually Twitter will go the same way as myspace and the facebook and then it'll be a linkedin world and then something else but if you just go to my website dougstanhope.com and just sign up on the mailing list but you're

too fucking lazy i hate every time i play a city i get a million emails going when are you gonna play my city well i just played there but you didn when are you going to play my city? Well, I just played there. But you didn't know it because I wasn't on Leno or now Jimmy Fallon. Nothing is worse than going back at my age to a comedy club and seeing

the waitress that you fucked 20 some years ago is still working there. And you go, I hoped for something more out of you. I thought you were going to move on. What were you going to say? I want to know about when you went back to a comedy club and there was a waitress here from 20 years ago.

Has that ever happened? Anybody come up and say you got a kid? Go Bananas in Cincinnati. The best fucking club over the years that I've ever worked that stayed the same, same partiers. But you don't feel bad for them like they have to do it. It's almost like a commune that got old from the 60s. But there's still a commune and they still, yeah, comedy still pays the bills. But yeah, we give them drinks and then then we get fucked up, and we're fun.

Who was your fucking bartender, the hottest chick I've ever... Val. Yeah, it's her. No, fucking Val. Val was this girl, and she was like, post-fucking, she was bored with it already, but the hottest chick in that bar. I know occasionally you could get her to drive you home, but she's like, all your young

mullet shenanigans are not working on me. Not with Val. No. God damn it. I bet she still looks as good. The day I opened to the day we closed. Which is how long? Did Uncle Funny's in Davie, Florida... Nine years ago, we closed to open up the Improv at the Hard Rock.

Did she go there with you, though? She went over to the Hard Rock, too. Yeah. Whatever happened to Johnny Chung? Chung, I think, moved to L.A. and then San Francisco. He had some problems, not just his skin. He used to run Go Bananas, right? Yeah.

He was the manager, general manager? But he left it in charge of the underlings who became, yeah, they're fucking great. Mikey and, fuck, no. I hate forgetting some guy's name on a podcast. Come on. You can edit it. No. Put his name back in.

Anyway, yeah, we'll edit that for sure. We'll edit a lot of it. All right. One more cocktail. One more cigarette in front of Dorfman where he can't fire me. Doug, is it the only comic that you had your own ticketing system?

Well, a lot of comics are using it now. Brown Paper Tickets, I guess, should be a sponsor because they do... And there's a million of them. Brown Paper Tickets is the best we've found where you can just... Yeah, even fucking Chad is running an open mic fucking thing.

No, I'm saying, like, guys who are just running their own thing on the side as a local, hey, it's a Nashville comedy festival for a day, hit a thing. Yeah, you can use brown paper tickets and just... At some point, when we were doing rock and roll clubs we're like alright these clubs are firing us fuck them we're gonna start working all these places where we have a mailing list fan base and we'll just

work the bar that we drink at after your club which is really how it started and we just trust the door guy and we're like yeah these door guys might be fucking us. Let's, all right, I'm too drunk for this. Go, you tell them.

What happened was it was right after the Sean Rouse thing because we were at the Tampa Improv and that was the last improv you did for like two years. And we found Brown Paper Tickets, which was a really small company at the time, and we ran with them. We were the first comic on there. And from that, we were able to book these clubs.

And after like three clubs, it's like, this can't be fucking right. How much money we were getting before we even walked in the club. Because everything was done online. Because your fans seek you out and will go find you. And instead of doing four or five shows in a weekend somewhere we do one show, one night so everyone goes to that one show. Yeah, but we can't fuck you anymore

and that's what the club owners are in it for. Boy, was there a lot of fucking going on. I'm telling you, this room only holds 210. I don't give a fuck what you say and don't forget it, okay? But see, that's it. Papa needs a new pair of shoes. No, it was when we were doing the rock and roll clubs that we thought, hey, we don't have any control over the door.

Why don't we pre- That's the way it's supposed to be. Why rock the fucking boat? What is your problem? We've been doing this for years. We were trying to figure out how to use PayPal. Well, maybe people can PayPal. Yeah.

And that's when he looked it up and found brown paper tickets. Son of a bitch. I mean, there's a bunch of them out there right now. But brown paper tickets was a really small company located in Fremont. And I was living in Seattle at the time. No, they certainly did not.

No, I'm telling you, I heard that they closed. They're actually international now. Brown paper tickets. They're great. And Doug, you've actually done some work with them. We don't need a sober voice right now. Brown paper tickets piss on anybody. Tickets. They're great. And Doug, you've actually done some work with them. No. We don't need a sober voice right now. I'm just saying.

Brown paper tickets piss on anybody. I like to know that. Any wait staff, anything? They piss on Ticketmaster. That was it. Everybody says it's on Ticketmaster. Everybody should do that. And that was the big push.

Anyway, that's another podcast. Listen, we got to get out of the green room. The fucking staff has to go home. Yeah, I'm through with you. The Dorfmans. I'm through with you. We could do this for a long, long time. If we had fucking rails.

Oh, wait. Here's another thing. And another thing. Here's another thing. And if we didn't have to say names, we could do this for a long time. Exactly. I stuttered on names a lot. Exactly.

Next time, we'll just talk about the dead ones. Oh, I remember when he came in. Because they can't call back and go, that's bullshit. I had more fun with the live ones, putting them to bed. No, the ones that are dead now we can talk about. Oh, I got you. Absolutely. It's history.

All right, I got to go. Bradley Balco's getting irritated. Ugh. Ugh. All right, that's a sign off. I'm sponsored by that. we'll edit this into something say good night gracie play the mattoid you've been listening to the doug stanhope podcast recorded at zany's comedy club in

nashville with brian and andrew dor. Recorded and engineered by me, Shaley. Music by Mishka Shubale and The Mattoy. Both available on iTunes. Check out Doug's upcoming dates at DougStanhope.com. While you're there, why don't you just get on the mailing list. Thanks for listening. It's party time Laugh your laughs and heat your heat It's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues

It's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks

It's party time Everybody Crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time. Everybody. Crap your crap. Sam, fuck your fucks. It's party time. One more. Crap your crap. Sam, fuck your fucks. It's party time.

Here we go. Party time. Party time, yeah! Party time! Party time, yeah! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Hey!

Party time! Yeah! Party time!