The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #005: Alaska Stories pt.1

Episode Date: June 26, 2013

Doug travels up to Anchorage, Alaska to swap stories about wild times gone by at the World Famous Chilkoot Charlie's.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. backyard on the short bus with most of the Chilkoot Charlie's clan, some of my best friends in the world. It's not all going to fit into one, but here's the first part of the Doug Stanhope podcast from Alaska. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quart of gin. Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything Well am I the only one drinking tonight?

Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight? That would be the way to kickstart this whole podcast, is to get you complaining about the innards of working at Chilkoot Charlie's. Just go, oh, how much did so-and-so ask for for an event? Ah, that's bullshit. Last time they drew there. But they worked down the street before that. I know they worked for less than that.

And that's why that guy is a bad guy. That's exactly what I would have said. No, but that's the nature of the beast. Becky Becker. You ever buy a used car? How much? You know, it's odd, though, because Coots has been doing comedy since 93 when Pierce Street Annex closed down. And it's come and gone in waves at Coots, but it's always been there.

Pierce Street Annex was the first comedy club I really tried to get work at because I was in love with a girl up here named Jackie Trinka, who I had met who did a solo keyboard one-man woman act. She did like a duo act for a while. Yeah, with Tommy Rocker. They split up. I met her. She went on after an open mic in Vegas. And I fell so madly in love with her.

And she was going up to Alaska. And I wasn't going to see her again. I was doing telemarketing at the time. As well as open mic comedy. And I told my friend, Batman, Dave Lewandowski, I'm going to hitchhike up to Anchorage.

And he goes, you should do it. Like he was so like in love with the fact that I was that in love that I was going to hitchhike to Alaska and pier street annex was a comedy club. And I had just started and I tried to get booked in there. And then Trinka told me, Hey, she wasn't as in love. No, not at all. But she wanted to see me, so she got me booked here at Chilkoot Charlie's.

We're in Anchorage, Alaska, with my best friend Matt Becker, who you know from the transvestite hooker story. If you know my act at all, you know that old canard, as Junior Stopka would say. It's not a canard. I found out a canard is actually a falsehood, but he used it wrong. I thought it was like a blood blister. It's a re-canard.

Yeah, it's like a legend. I was thinking a carbuncle. Sorry. No, a carbuncle is a wart, but we'll get to that later when I pull out my dick. A gandy dancer works on a train. There. Now we're all even. I'm going to pull out my dick.

A gandy dancer works on a train. There. Now we're all even. So, of course, with Chaley, our tour manager, and God, the guy that makes us exist on podcasting as well as on the road. We're in Becker's backyard on his short bus. If you've ever seen the movie Into the Wild, imagine a shorter version of that bus.

He put in his backyard here in Anchorage, Alaska along with all of his other gadgets he has in his backyard. He would only live six months on this bus. He would have been dead before winter. He lasted almost a year in the full version. Actually, this bus just got rolled into the backyard recently.

If you don't have a picture of the backyard, don't describe the painstaking amount of fence you had to take down to get it in here. There'll be a picture. We'll post it. But Becker's always been a gadget guy. And if you just look around where we are right now in the big backyard, you can see legendary Becker was known for the gas-powered blender. Gas-powered blender.

Where you pull start it like a lawnmower. Environmentalists were not happy. But they still bought them. But they still got them. Yeah. The coal-burning mower was a big hit. Coal-burning mower is right over there. And you had a big, I don't know, it was Fourth of July,

a big summer party where you had the margaritas made in a cement mixer. Yep. Had a giant cement mixer that was just had the Margaritas made in a cement mixer Had a giant cement mixer That was just constantly mixing margaritas And a great margarita That was unbelievable Well that's really because you're a bartender as well So you know how to make margaritas

And a hoarder Nothing mixes a drink like gasoline power Becker would be like If Spencer Gifts And what's the other one? Brookstone? No, the chain you brought me to the first time where you found the pig skeet.

R.Q. McPhee? No, it's a chain around the country. They had the little pig skeet. Come on. R.Q. McPhee is the one in Washington. Not Abercrombie & Fitch but the urban outfitters. That's gadgety. If you went through Becker's house as a hoarder, you would just find more and more cool shit.

Like, this is the coolest shit. There's no mummified cats. It's all, like, really cool shit. It's important things. It's the unique, one-of-a-kind things. What did you say the other night? It's hoarders in real time? On stage. I have no idea what I said on night? It's hoarders in real time?

On stage. I have no idea what I said on stage. It's fucking fantastic. Becker is hoarders in real time. Oh, staying at the Becker's. It's like being in hoarders, but going, what do I steal? Not what do I get rid of? First of all, let me preface.

Alaska is the place that I probably have the best stories of my career to the point where I used to not tell Alaska stories unless Becker or someone from Alaska that was there at the time could verify it because it sounded like bullshit. There's no way all that shit happened in a week. Yes, it did. He was there. You need someone to back up, to corroborate the story like a journalist. I can't print this just on you, Woodward and Bernstein. I need Deep Throat from the garage. The beauty was that none of the stories were ever forced. It just happened.

It wasn't like it was a pre-setup thing where we should go ride a moose. We ended up maybe riding a moose, but it wasn't planned. It's like a bachelor party. They think this is going to be the night. The hangover. Yeah, it's like the hangover. It's so forced, but that wasn't it.

That's just a week at Coots. It's happening next week when you're gone. It was a week at Coots. Well, certainly the world has changed. But so quickly, because Alaska, as recently as 10 years ago, was still so lawless. Again, I don't want to talk like everyone knows every second of my career, but on a DVD I did Word of Mouth that's no longer available. We did the bonus footage. It was me and Becker in the hotel I was staying in doing mushrooms after I had just gone to fuck a hooker at one of the plentiful whore houses that were six and walking distance of the club.

Because I didn't want to be thinking with my dick. So I went and boned a Last Call whore, which is on another whole CD altogether, I think. And then me coming back. Now I'm going to full on. We're both full on tripping. Can't talk. So I went and boned a last call whore, which is on another whole CD altogether, I think. And then me coming back. Now I'm going to full on. We're both full on tripping. Can't talk laughing so hard. And I put 20 minutes of that out. Almost all unintelligible, but put it out as a drug PSA warning.

This is what mushrooms could do to you. Make you laugh so fucking hard about nothing. And the most silly childlike hilarity warning that was alaska to 2002 or three did i put that out yeah 10 years ago you could get hookers and really good drugs and then the palin arrow showed up yeah and and yeah now you know you need an escort service and a uh you won't let you check into a hotel if you have a local ID. You can't get a hotel room in a lot of the places. Yeah.

So you're going to take a hook into your house? Who does this? We're not animals. And the bar, which most of the people here that will be on this podcast if they show up Becker's enough but there's other people who can corroborate stories that bar was it's the biggest bar in Anchorage

is what 11 bars under one roof 10 bars under one roof it's the biggest bar in Alaska they'll have multiple bands playing at the same time it's so big oh I don't like this band I'm going to go walk across

and see the other band it's like a pub crawl yeah Oh, I don't like this band. I'm going to go walk across and see the other band. It's like a pub crawl. Yeah, and if I don't like that... In one building. Yeah, and then there's dance music upstairs and then there's the cigar bar. They all work there. The Bird House where Matt Beckham was a producer.

The Bird House, which is, yeah, it should be a separate bar, and it kind of is. So, yeah, everyone worked there. It was the perfect storm of us being of that age, this place being so lawless. And the city being of that age. Yeah. Because they've all grown up now. Right.

I've grown up with them and watched them as now they have ex-wives and children. And sorry I don't come out as much. But remember, I used to be a fixture. And I go, I know. Yeah. Well, that's the other thing I was going to mention is a lot of these stories we're going to have to heavily edit because from

95 I started coming up here. It was right after you won the competition in San Francisco. No, that's 95. Was it 95? It was December 95 because I had the black eyes. Just got my ass kicked. One of the few times I've gotten into a fight and lost and deserved it.

That was a great entry into. Yeah, I show up in a Santa hat with two black eyes and a broken nose going, Hi, I'm your comic. That era. Like, we were young. The town was young. It was absolute chaos. Stories.

I just remembered as i'm saying this the time one of the day drunks at chill coot charlie's got thrown out around happy hour-ish time old curmudgeon-y guy going i'm gonna come back and kill all you people and they're like yeah yeah everyone says that and then but an hour later i'm standing by the door, and this guy comes in with two.45s drawn in each hand. The bouncer's there. Billy Bad, the baddest, most baddest guy in the world, bartender, still around. We'll get to him later. Jumps over the bar.

There's Hooters waitresses off work that came from Hooters. They jump onto the safe side of the bar. Billy jumps onto the dangerous side of the bar. And him and the boxers slowly, gentle, sir, with his hands, aim them down, aim them down, and then grab both hands. And then let's say they beat this.

Well, it's past the statute. Yeah, they beat the shit out of them and then called the cops. Oh, I think that was my point that I'm not getting to is, yeah, we have to change a lot of the details of subsequent stories that we'll get to, because now a lot of

those people that were young and mullet-ridden like us, well, they went on to have professional careers, and they have families, so we can't really say their names anymore. Billy Bat, he's good. He's a hero now. But, yeah. Let's just say they subdued the suspect.

Yeah. In the most aggressive way. Yeah. Again, I have to go through. It's almost like being on terrestrial radio where instead of I can't say fuck, I can't say that guy's name and that drug in the same sentence. Because there was a lot of drug stories. Most of the stories are drug stories. And I don't know who of those people are still around, but we'll try to...

It is interesting that you said Perfect Storm because I felt it was the same time because around that time, I was playing in a cover band, and that's when Coots was bringing up two bands from out of state to play Tuesday through Saturday. Then we brought in the comics. We were doing two comics. Yeah, we were doing an opener and a

headliner. And it was all in one week. We had all this entertainment going on at all times. It was always something happening at Coots. And just after that period, I think in the mid-90s, late 90s, it just stopped. Well, it's also around when things like DJs became popular.

And you don't have to pay them. Comedy was always fine because it's just one dude talking with no equipment. Yes. Right. So, yeah, then DJs become popular. Not just popular, but more affordable. So, yeah, then you get a lot of shit. Right.

Well, that's what I saw was when we had the double bands, we had a local band that would play and that way they got exposure and they worked their way up. And then it became this weird gray area where you're going, well, the DJ would just play other people's music and it sounded perfect because it's actually a recording of a real band. Well, and the other problem is less women started showing up at the bar because even if with a band, well, there's five guys to choose from.

Now it's all chicks trying to fuck a DJ. I don't want to take those kind of odds. I'm going to go down to where the crabbers hang out on payday hey it's fleet week yeah this is much harder becker if you don't know becker you just don't know me becker is one of the funniest people i've ever met there's a handful of people that i can point out that I've met in my entire life that are just funny. They don't have to be on stage. They can be when you're sitting in a tub full of ice trying to beat a fever that you got from a overseas whore and you don't want to laugh.

And he's the funniest. Andy Andrus, Matt Becker, Joey Coco Dia diaz people that just talk and they're fucking brilliantly funny becker and i from the earliest days of comedy were hanging around we met in the open mics in phoenix phoenix yeah i started in vegas for about six months and then moved to phoenix chasing a girl that didn't work out but then i'm stuck in phoenix and becker was the guy at the open mics that all the comics would race in for or hate. It was a win-win. It's just kind of, he was the quiet kid in the corner. There you go. Is he going to shoot up the school

or is he going to lead us to greatness? So we hit it off. We're still waiting for that answer, by the way. No, he's pretty much come into greatness. But the first time you came up here, it's a great story, but you're going to have to correct me on the facts.

The first time you came up here, you came up to work with me, and you fell in love with the place, decided, I'm staying. Fuck it. I'm going to just be a bartender, which I feel like for the last 10 years I should have done. I know. And you stayed on,

met a similar whore to the one that drugged me to Phoenix, chased you to L.A. I was living in L.A., so you stayed up the street from me at Ralphie Mays. It would be Ralphie Mays.

Anyway, you had an apartment close to me. She didn't want us talking. Right. She didn't want us talking. We were two blocks away. We couldn't talk to each other, which was hysterically funny, really. Well, it's like the parent who goes,

you're a bad kid, but the parent blames it on the other bad kid. I don't want you hanging around with him. He's a bad influence. And in all relationships, you agree to this until the point when you realize how far you've agreed to this. This is unbelievable. I talked to him more when I was in Alaska than when I lived two blocks away.

Well, you get so deep into a bad relationship that it's like the great escape where you have to plan on how to tunnel with a spoon to get out of it eventually years from now. And I will give you credit because that's exactly what I planned. That's how I went to Alaska was Doug goes, hey, you want to go back to Alaska? I was like, yeah, well, and that time you were working at the Brown Derby. So like everything shit on you at once. In Hollywood? Yeah. You worked at the Brown Derby?

Yeah. So he's working there. He gets fired from there about the same time he breaks up with the girl. Like his whole life went to shit, just like a movie. I just happened to be going back to Alaska. I'm like, well, fucking come up and let's do some comedy again. He came back up and decided to stay again. Becker doesn't just open for you.

He's there for a while. Yeah, so when's this gig over? They go, apparently 2015. I'm just a Thursday through Saturday. Understand, you're going to have to deal with Becker for a while. So he stayed again, and then he fucking built a monster up here.

He's more famous in Alaska than I am anywhere. That was one of my best summers playing in the band, was living next door to Becker in one of the band houses. You know that band house you said was the head of the mold growing on the soap?

Oh, let's back up again. People who don't know are listening. The comedy condo is a fixture in stand-up comedy. It's when the club rents out an apartment that they just put the comedians in every week. And it's usually somewhat unsanitary as comics or anyone who rents a car that doesn't care about the yeah nothing's been worse to this day bill burr hates me for the one time i sent him up here because i think it's funny yeah the poor poor living conditions he's like what the

fuck was up with that place how dare you send uh ralphie may could not be put in the band house here he's a comedy condo because the floorboards were so weak they thought he might go through them and that it takes that much of a liability issue before they'll treat you with decent oh we'll get you a hotel if as long as we don't get sued to be fair though that was back when ralph is really heavy the boards were creaking while he's walking up it and they're covered in ice and i go would you like to stay at our house just for the bar's sake so so it was so bad i'd get my first five minutes off of new jokes about how bad the bandhouse was. And one time I actually carrot topped it where I had to have a prop

in the shower of the bandhouse we were staying in was a bar of soap, used bar of soap that had thick black mold growing on it. And I go, you think I'm kidding every night talking about, this is mold growing on an antibacterial product. This is where we live. I thought it was funny.

Irish spring had sprung. That's before it had gotten that bad. Becker and I were roommates. Kind of. It was a duplex. You lived in a band house. I lived in Friday. I had just gotten out of a really shitty

relationship. That was the big one. No, I lived in Friday. But I had just gotten out of a really shitty relationship. And that was the big one. And that was my summer of fun. Yeah. And that was when I actually got to meet you and hanging out. Again, perfect storm. Perfect. We were at an age where everything's funny and all that crazy shit.

And a guy running in with guns or some skank. crazy shit and a guy running in with guns or you know some you know skank i remember trading a the pjs was the most horrible strip joint ever and a girl from pjs came over and i go oh i got strippers coming to my show not realizing everyone's going who would fuck her but she's a stripper gives you she traded me her panties off of her body for my Santa hat at one point. I go, you got to trade me. Take off your... So she stripped down butt naked. She blew me at the bar for a minute.

And I was like, this is crazy. This is nice. It's nice. No, but that was it. And that's the thing is that when you look back on it, these were all the things that were normal. That wasn't... That was a week at Coots. Right. your week every week right yeah it was just absolutely phenomenal so we'd come up for years and it was one oh becker you remember this because i use this as an analogy quite often

is i was always such a sucker for if i got laid at a bar, I gave the bar credit. And there was the place when we lived in Phoenix, there was a karaoke place. We only went because this one douchebag we knew would drive us there because he liked to sing karaoke. It was his only move in a bar. But the first time we went there, I fucked some skank that night. And I have no pickup lines in a regular bar. So I'm like,

oh, that bar is great for getting pussy. So I'd make Becker go to this horrible karaoke bar week after week going, no, you can get pussy there. It wasn't just a confluence of... No, it was the bar. Let's keep going back. Nobody could sing, and it was

just unbelievable. And I was like, somebody better be getting laid out of this Because this is horrendous But Coots was like that Coots lived up for many a year And now you're going I'm coming up to Alaska But can we not go to the bar

That you guys all love Because now it's Yeah It's people our age They have their own shit going on I mean it's still a destination. Oh, yeah. I'll drink there Monday through Thursday until a certain hour.

But there's no way. The Friday and Saturday nights we used to enjoy, they look at you like, who's that old man looking at me creepy? Well, yeah, the bar stays 21, like you've always said. I mean, I still work there. Yeah, I do, too. We have a lot of great entertainment. Please come down and see Matt Beckner at the Birdhouse.

It's still a lot of fun. As we speak of children. If Doug can't make it, we understand. What's going on here? It's the fucking smear campaign all of a sudden. God damn it. In the middle, hang on, in the middle of us saying that Coots' day is over, the owner of Coots, the man who made this all happen, Mr. Duran Powell.

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. I'm the minority partner. General manager. Oh, good, because we're mostly black now. Yeah, but the reason we're all here, the good days of Coots, which we'll get back to, because Coots should be a documentary. It shouldn't be a podcast. Coots is a full on documentary.

As a fan, I can watch documentaries for days on end. They'd shut us down in two weeks. I don't think we'd make it. We'd make it past two episodes. No, you can always talk about the old days. Statute of limitations. That's right. Coots started in the oil boom in the

60s or 70s? 1970. 1970. And we'll just talk in third person. We've already set up the fact that we have to change a lot of the details of the story if they're still in play. And we're going to scramble your voice. We're going

to podcast you in silhouette. If you want me to jumpstart, you need a cocktail or something. You just walked in. I don't want to put you on the spot. Do you remember the old days when, when Doug would come back up and do stories? Cause I said, well, I live here now, Doug, we can't really see. It's different because you leave the next day and I have to deal with all the damage. He'd go, all right, we were at ill coot Harley's.

There was a time where, again again a lot of the people involved when i started uh updating my website when i get a website and i'd put updates uh and blog for lack of a better word and i'd go oh well this guy's yeah he's a professional now he just got married and he had a kid. I can't say me and this guy were doing ecstasy for two days. Hogtied this young girl who was interned from the radio station and sodomized her. I can talk about that. That's me. There's a lot of girls named

that are not your wife and it wasn't your wife who showed up with a guy named Flounder. Oh my God, That was great. Well, the people that know my history remember after 9-11, my protest against all the invasive searches at airport security, I countered by packing my carry-on bag with nothing but the most vile, confusing marital aids. Stuffed.

Stuffed full. Stuffed full of nothing but marital aids. Strap-on chin dildo, vibrating rubber pussy, just everything. So you're going to go through all of it. You're not going to embarrass me. You're going to have to pull this shit out in front of children and grandparents, and I'm not concerned. it out in front of children and grandparents and i'm not concerned i put gay porn on the inside of a zipper bag posted so when they opened it up they're confronted with graphic gay porn that was that was private until you made it public and i did that and i just happened to have this bag with

me when uh this girl that was an intern for the radio shows up at Coots and I get her back to the room. And at some point, like, I'm still kind of waffling. I was still unskilled. I still am. Like, closing the deal. If I'm not sure you're there for the reason. And she, like, closed it. Do you want to fuck me or not?

And I'm like, all right, zip. How do you want to do it? And we're also doing drugs, and then one of your very beautiful local ladies that we've known for years shows up at the door trying to take me out to party at the hotel with a dude. I answered the hotel door with a now very rare erection, but then raging, and she's there, but she's got a dude with her who I call Flounder because he looked like Flounder from Animal House.

And I'm like, I know my son's game. Who? I have the girl. There's a lot of men. Hang on. The girl that came with me, the intern, is now tied to the bed with all sorts of dildos and devices of peculiar destruction laying around and i'm there with a boner going with my eyes like charcoal dilated and i'm like come on

in and she's like okay i'll watch and flounder's like i'm and i'm like you gotta go dude you gotta go and he's like no i gotta see this and like, no, no, just go get me. Give me five minutes. Just go get a pack of cigarettes. I'm pleading with him. Just give me five minutes with this girl in this situation with these kind of drugs and all sorts of weird rubber devices. A bit of a rubber cock. I can finish that quick.

Yeah, I still ever to this day. I see him and he's like, yeah, yeah. Don't bring it up again. He's like foot in the door. Did you even penetrate this girl? Did you get so much? Not after he showed up. I was all in.

That killed it? Well, then she's like, oh, you tied her up all wrong. Criticizing you? No, she's helping me retie her. She's all in the, I'm just happy to watch you. Watch, it just makes it so much better. But he's sitting there with fucking puppy dog tail wagging, going, hey, this is crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy that I can't get it up now that you've been here and you won't just go fucking buy a six-pack of beer. And that's how I met your mother. No, because I see him all the time, and I don't say anything. I got to give him shit now. Call him Flounder. He'll know exactly who you're referring to. And I don't say anything.

I got to get my shit down. Call him Flounder. He'll know exactly who you're referring to. All right. We got to pause to get cocktails and take a piss, and we'll be back. Hey, remember, this podcast is always sponsored by me. Go to DougStanhope.com and buy some of my shit. Check out all my tour dates at DougStanhope.com and buy some of my shit. Check out all my tour dates at DougStanhope.com. Find me on Twitter.

I'm also on Facebook slash official Facebook, but I only really post dates there. I fuck around on Twitter, but get the tickets at DougStanhope.com. I'll be coming to your town soon. And now back to the podcast already in progress. Let's back up. The old days of Coots. Coots didn't just get crazy because I showed up in 1995. The history of Chill Coot Charlie's makes our stories look fucking boring.

It's a double-edged sword. I've probably met half the population of Anchorage that says they were at Coots tonight. The guy got shot. When you say a guy got shot, not the time I talked about before you got here where a guy came in with guns drawn. Are you talking about a guy got shot in 72? Someone shot a shotgun through the back door. His ex-wife was in there drinking, and so he got mad. But the place only holds, back then, it only held 75, 85 people,

but there must be at least 30,000 people in Anchorage that tell people they were there at Coots in 74. Yeah, it was Alaska's Woodstock. Everybody wants to say they were there. I was wild in the 70s. I met your mom there. I mean, a lot of people did meet at Coots, but as soon as they hook up, they stop.

That's not even the craziest story I've heard. In fact, I don't remember that one. I remember someone drove their car through the front of the bar in anger. It looked like a hand grenade had gone off the walls. Why did they do that? Well, she had been escorted out. She'd been asked to leave, and she had some mental issues.

And the head of security was Brian Stearns, and he put her out. You know this is no liability issue? No, not at all. I guess 72, yeah, Brian Stearns, and he'd put her out. You know there's no liability issue? No, not at all. I guess 72, yeah, Brian Stearns. Brian, yeah, this would probably happen in 85, 86. And she had a big Impala, like a 72 Chevy Impala.

Wow. She spun it around in front of Lamex and then took a run at Coutts at full speed from across the street. And she penetrated the bar. It looked like someone had thrown a hand grenade a bomb had gone off all the we see the wall coming in and all these people were flying through the air and dust there was a tremendous amount of dust that had settled in the wall so it was you really couldn't see it was like smoke almost after this bomb had gone off and then you see the front end of a car it has come to the building and miraculously it

basically picked people up and threw them across the air. We dusted everybody off, and everybody was like, I'm fine. Well, that's because everyone danced in those days. There was no wallflower. Hey, wallflower, want a boogie? You do now. She gets arrested for attempted murder for the half dozen people that she knocked to the ground. And she was out on bail two weeks later.

She's in Carr's grocery store, and Stearns sees her. And she's standing there in line to get her groceries, and he walks up with his grocery cart, and he rear-ends her with his grocery cart, and he goes, boink. And she turns around, and she goes, oh. And he goes, hey, remember me? Brian Stearns was one of the most unshakably secure guys I'd ever known. The guy had no fear.

We had a long story with a guy with a gun at the front door one time. Stearns' face is, he's not armed. All he's got is handcuffs. And he stopped this guy from coming in a bar. The guy was upset. It was another girl story. It was one of those wild nights where inside the bar we had a couple fishermen that had a credit card uh balance that they'd run a tab on and they were upset they thought the amount was too large or they didn't understand it

and they weren't going to pay the tab and i went to talk to them and they were being especially aggressive i couldn't understand why they're being so aggressive i got two big doormen standing behind me there's no real negotiating if the tab150, you're going to pay $150, or we have to call the police, and you get charged with defrauding an innkeeper. And so they're staying very... Their posture hasn't changed. They're not afraid of what's going to happen at all.

And so we get them to the front door, and we're threatening to arrest the guy because he won't sign the credit card balance on his tab. And unbeknownst to us, Brian has got a Samoan at the front door who's got a gun in his face, and Brian's blocking the door. He's just flat out telling the guy, I'm not letting you come in with a gun. You're absolutely not coming in. And it's in his face.

Well, the guy that I'm arguing with looks over my shoulder and locks eyes with the Samoan. And they look at each other like, what the fuck are you looking at? And they jump each other. One guy tries to go over me. The other guy tries to go over Brian. And Brian and I go down onto the floor with the guy I've been talking to. And we're telling him, look, he's got a gun, you idiot. So we go onto the floor.

The Samoan gets bored. He's standing there with with his gun and no one's paying attention to him so he turns around and leaves so brian and i are in a pig pile on the floor we we cuff him up we get him to the front door and we're like jesus christ that was weird and while the guy is standing there with his hands behind his back the other fisherman walks up to him he whispers in his ear and we tell the guy is standing there with his hands behind his back, the other fisherman walks up to him. He whispers in his ear. And we tell the guy, look, you've got to stand back. He's under arrest. We're waiting for the police. His buddy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a pistol that he had trained on us the whole time.

And he dropped it on the floor. And there's another dive, another scramble. And the guy grabs a gun and runs out the front door. The whole time that we were arguing with him about paying his tab, he had a pistol in his pocket. And so when he locked eyes with the Samoan, it was, yeah, what are you going to do about it? Yeah, what are you going to do about it?

We were the innocent bystanders. Let's talk about when you weren't. And this is not you, but here's another story. Chilkoot Charlie's, not only the biggest bar in Alaska, but legendary, it's the Friday night go to Saturday night dance spot wherever dumb where dumb people go to fuck. So in the heart of winter at 40 below zero, there'll be a line around the block to get into Coots. And one of the perks to get around that, the same reason I have diamond status on Delta to bypass the line, they have platinum cards at

Coots. But in the day, back then, a platinum card, that's worth a shitload of credibility. That gave you status. And so old managers, again, we won't name names because some of these people are still

alive, they're no longer in Alaska, would trade out platinum cards for sexual favors. Decades ago. Well, part of it was we gave those to the girls that we were dating. And sometimes you only dated a girl for a day. Sometimes a couple hours. Yeah, just until you went,

Platinum card. Blort. It was totally, you gave them to your sister, you gave them to your coworkers, and you gave them to the girl that you were dating, and sometimes it just didn't work out. Sometimes it was a brief relationship. All right, so I'll start the story I'm remembering,

and you can clarify any. One of your doormen or manager's assistants, someone who had gave a girl a platinum card after he sodomized her in her vehicle in the parking lot. False. I think it was consensual sodomy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it's kind of a whore if you're doing it for a platinum card.

If your asshole is just dilating open saying, take me, take me, for a platinum card. Actually, I don't think this story pays off other than he was so rude that he dumped a load in her ass in the backseat of her car, walked back in, walked past the doorman at the front and go, she's 86. I love that story. In fact, if that story's wrong, don't even say it because because it's such a beautiful story, even if it's a lie. It's fiction, but it's true. I heard it from the horse's mouth, but let's pretend he's lying.

It wasn't the mouth that they did that. Can you pinpoint a time where everything kind of changed? Earlier, we were talking about how Spenard, as recently as 10 years ago, had whorehouses and there were drugs everywhere. We had 13 contiguous whorehouses right next door to each other.

13 contiguous whorehouses. This is my podcast. This is not Penn Jillette's podcast. You can't use big words like contiguous without next door to each other. And they had special signs out front. Two for ones. You had the handjob Sundays.

You had the bubble bath nights. They had all sorts of special signs. It was the Ravenite I've talked about as recently as my last... Tosh.0. Oh, Tosh.0. Yeah, I mentioned that on Tosh.0. Sharing a building with a licensed premise. That always sort of was amazing

that the place would survive. Translation, a whorehouse sharing a building with a bar. But they were subtle enough that I didn't even realize there were whorehouses that close to walking distance of all the times I'd come here for a couple years before. Oh, that's a whorehouse? It would look like a really poorly advertised tattoo parlor. Right. Yeah. Not even a massage parlor.

If you insisted on getting a $45 massage, they'd probably have the old lady come in and slap something on your back and rub it around. So there you go. Have a nice night. So drugs were prevalent and pure and good. And it just seemed like overnight to me where all of that went away. Can you pinpoint things? Well, we had a crash. The economy crashed in 84. We had 11 banks. When the crash was Well, we had a crash. The economy crashed in 84.

We had 11 banks. When the crash was done, we had three. The federal government owned 20% of the housing in Anchorage. And a lot of the big money, the quick money that the drugs and the prostitutes were drawn to disappeared. It evaporated. And so all those people left town. And not all of them. I mean, the hardcore cases stuck around.

We still have an issue. But I think we were better served as a society to have the prostitutes in the massage parlor where we didn't have to see it versus dealing with the drug-addicted prostitute in the corner you have to explain to your kids that are out there working the streets. It seemed to be

that it was better managed. It was the best of a worst-case scenario. 84. I'm talking, it was the Ravenite when I still probably have the stink on my dick from that girl I couldn't scrub out. And that was probably 2002 or 3. It was one of the last holdouts. My dad used to say that there's no organized crime in Anchorage. It's completely disorganized.

And that there's no way the mafia could come to town and try and organize things. It was just full of too many bit players. I know. I've seen you spin've tried to keep... I've seen you spin plates trying to keep a staff together. Much less criminals. They can't even steal from you appropriately. Except for Becker.

I'm sorry. Present company excluding. Best idea of the year. Put the sleight of hand artist in a till. And still make you more money than your other bars. So shut up. Shut up and be confused by the tricks, stupid. This is called the prestige.

Didn't your dad have some kind of exemption to where you could have gambling downtown? Your dad started the bar. Let's back up. Your dad started the bar. The titty bar business in Alaska, he actually went to jail for it. He went topless and then he went bottomless

and the police raided the bar, and he went to jail, and he fought it on constitutional grounds. And a woman in the state of Alaska has the right, she has the right to freedom of expression, and that extends to the art of dance. And my dad thought it was just absolutely fucking hilarious that you've got a constitutional right to charge somebody $20 for a table dance. And one of the first things he taught me when I was six,

and when I was six I spent my afternoons in the strip bar. I know it sounds weird today to think that you would have your six-year-old in a fully nude titty bar all day. How dare you expose a child to nature? Shaved and hairy vaginas. Shaved, that's not natural. All right, he's got a beef there. I had a lot of stepmothers.

One of the first things daddy... Platinum cards. One of the first things daddy taught me was, son, what's the difference between a $20 table dance and a $40 table dance? $20. There is no sex in the champagne room, but there are handjobs.

The Vietnamese room, you almost said. They used to have the champagne bottles they would sell. My dad's bar was called The Embers, and this was in 68, 69. And we'd walk behind the bar. I'd walk back to myself at 7-Up with a Coke gun at 7 years old. And they always had open champagne bottles behind the bar.

And they were so fucking cheap. They were selling the $3 bottles of champagne for $100 and $200. But they were so fucking cheap, they would reuse the champagne bottle. And they would take the empty champagne bottle and stick it in the ice and fill it full of 7-Up and then put it on a tray and send it right back out again. I mean, they weren't just fucking these guys. They were royally fucking these guys.

And the slogan on the back of the Coutts T-shirt today is... We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you. And that's been used on Leno and Johnny Carson. Was it Carson? Leno was filling in for Carson at the time. And it's been on Letterman. They've all used that line on the show. Fantastic.

Leno came up and played at PJ's when PJ's was still open No, we were just talking about PJ's Probably not when it was the PJ's I knew PJ's But it's the same thing Well, no, I mean not the same quality He didn't have to follow a tooth mouth Meth mouth

Always Really? We took Matt Becker's bride there for her birthday Was it your 30th birthday? I think it was Becky's 30th birthday Oh, no, she did. Really? No. We took Matt Becker's bride there for her birthday. Was it your 30th birthday? Yeah. I think it was Becky's 30th birthday. We loved it. The dancer in the bar, we sat down, and we were going to get a birthday dance.

And we'd been drinking. And once you've been drinking, then you decide you're going to go to the worst strip bar in town. Because it's funny. It's funny. Because it's fun. Yeah. Well, it's funny until you walk in and you're the only people. Now all eyes are on you.

You're not laughing at her anymore. They're looking at you. You want to sit in the background and laugh where all the other people, but then you walk into PJ's. PJ's was a haven for people who had been banned from other bars. We had 86 from Coots three or four times. He'd been arrested

there three times and he kept talking his way back in. Witness protection for 86 people. And he was just a wreck. And he had just fought half the door staff at one time or another. And we go into the bar for Becky's birthday, and we try and buy a table dance from this girl, but she's so high, she can't stop talking. And as she's standing there talking to us, slowly undoing her top, sort of

gyrating to whatever tune was on, she says, yeah, I just married this guy, and I've been married to him for three months, and he says he's going to kill me, and I'm trying to break up with him. She's jumping around so much, we're really having a hard time figuring out what she's saying. And she's going on and on about her new husband, and how he hates her, and he's trying to kill her. And then she goes, oh my my God, there he is. Look out. And this guy jumps, lunges across the table, our table over us at her and grabs her by the throat. And while he's throttling her, he looks over his shoulder at me.

And it's Kurt. The guy that's on the 86. He goes, hey, Duran, when can I get back in the bar? He's still got his fucking hand around her's still got his hand around her throat. I'm telling you, the Alaska stories we said earlier, I never tell the good Alaska stories unless there's someone there to verify it. Because alone, you just sound like some full of shit guy.

But these stories, they're just so unique. All my best stories, like a couple were in Phoenix that I made into bits, like fucking the midget and our transvestite hooker story but those were anomalies this was i mean when i i you still have my original headshot from the first time i was up here for two weeks and it lists like seven different fucked up things that happened and lesbians and the hooker in the train the big dick dave donnelly i said i'm not telling this story unless duran shows up i'm with uh uh jackie trinka hold on hold on wait a minute let's put a perspective on this you

when you first came up for the first two weeks you did up here after that then you started coming up your annual you were just booking yourself it was one of the first times i've been out there not the first time but one of the first times in the first couple years the girl that brought me up here that introduced me to the coots family yeah uh pointed out a guy she had gone on a date with and uh it was a state senator uh dave donnelly And he was with this woman who was vaguely tranny-like, tall, big-featured. He was dancing with her. Jackie's just telling me the story.

I dated that guy, and I didn't want to go any further, and he keeps calling me. And so after I see that tranny-like person alone, I went up to her. I go, so you know the senator there? And she just immediately bursts in a full confession. Yeah, I fucked him, and he has a huge dick, and he knows how to use it, but now he won't stop calling me.

So the not-won't-stop-calling-me is the theme between the two people who know him. So we end up that week doing a Toys for Tots marathon from an RV in the Sears parking lot with K-Wale, the local radio station, and within hours, we're drunk as shit. We're supposed to be on this RV for 48 hours, and within hours, we're drunk as shit. So it gets into the afternoon.

You've drunk yourself sober and drunk again, and we're still doing this, and I tell the story about the state senator and evidently he has a big dick and he knows how to use it but he won't stop calling people so dj bob calls he knows the number to dave donnelly's office and gets past the secretary because he knows her enough and we get him on the phone and i don't know exactly how the call went it was they hey we here you have a big yardstick or however whatever radio speak you have to use to say penis but you're using you guys are broadcasting live on the air we're live on the rv

from yeah and it's for the kids for christ sakes it's toys for tots toy Toy drive. Yeah, I heard you have a big dipstick there, Dave. But why do you keep calling those girls back? Or something. Anyway, he goes irate. He finds out where the calls are coming from. Calls Duran. He calls and wakes me up and meets me at the bar. The guy is livid.

He's a state senator. Threatening to sue. I can't fucking ignore him, right? I mean, he's actually a personal friend of mine. I've supported him politically for years. And he's livid. He was his state senator. Threatening to sue. I can't fucking ignore him. He's actually a personal friend of mine. I've supported him politically for years. And he's livid. He came down there looking for you. Well, you're a card-carrying member of the

big dick party. And he's threatening to sue Coots for slander. And I'm like, wait a minute. Let's get this straight. You're not going to sue anybody for slander. You're not going to stand in front of a judge and a jury and say, your honor, I do not have a big dick. You have no case, sir.

Then he's coming into the bar, so I'm hiding from the bar because I don't want a confrontation. He's never met you before. He walked right past you at the entryway. Yeah, he has no idea who I am, but he did end up, you made good, I believe. I think you were the liaison. Boudreaux's Boudreaux's.

I think I told him I fired you for your offense. No, no, he showed up at the last show of that stretch. I don't know if it was a week or two weeks. And I was just trying to make fun, and it was nothing personal, and we made up, and he was with whatever woman he was with at that time. Did you get to see the date? No, no, the payoff is that night he invited us to a swingers party, and we showed up, and it was the most dead function

of like four people sitting on a couch staring at each other like, when's the people we want to fuck show up? And so we skated out of there, but we did make nice. Well, it's weird because he had called a bunch of people, but they never called him back. So Matt and Doug, we have a band car that runs for about 15 minutes. When I gave him the keys, I told him it only runs for 15 minutes. And so they start the car.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's back up just a second to explain to them what a banned car is. Because this is an anomaly in comedy. No one gives you a car. Up here, because they fly everyone up, Duran will buy a piece of shit car. These are low-cost, affordable vehicles. You bought one for... $75.

But you jewed them down. I can say you can't. I saw the car. I looked at it, and I said, $75, huh? Will you go $65? And he looked at me like... For a car that runs...

Really? $10? I go, I'm just saying. I think it looks like it's worth $65. Because I don't think it has over a quarter tank of gas in it. The car would run for 15 minutes before it overheated. It was just to go to the store for smokes.

So they would provide you with this luxury of a banned car, which I was always too terrified to drive in good weather, and I'm only up here in winter. So I had one that I sheepishly drive to the corner and back, we go well we can trash this car and what's it going to charge me 65 bucks doug and matt pull the car in front of

coots and jerk the ignition wires out of it and take a spray can and write re-elect big dick dave donnelly i still have pictures of that we defaced it completely and unfortunately because there were no wires on it we couldn't start it or move it. It was there for about a week before the senator called back and complained again. And really, you didn't buy it for the paint job, so you can't really go, you ruined my band car. It would have been a yard sign, but we couldn't get it to a yard.

Doug's not known as a prop comic, but I've seen it happen before. Don't worry. I already told the bar of soap story if that's where you're going. Too late. Too late. I'm trying to remember. I'll have you know that wasn't mold. That was rust stain off a rusty soap holder.

No, that was black mold. I passed it around the audience so everyone could look. No one goes, this doesn't seem like mold. More of a rust stain that's black. Do you have black rust? It was multicolored. You had a lot of colors coming off that rusty. Yeah, and a lot of flora and fauna as well,

which you don't find in a spray-on metal ball in a can kind of product. We also stayed in the band house. Remember when the open flame, the gas pipe was broke, and the flame was coming out? It was an old style heater. It was a broken off pipe with gas burning

as far as to stay warm. As your landlord, I would say it was designed to work that way. Which confuses me why you would have never gotten into the political field. As much as you can write off all the foilables of Chilkoot Charlies and the band houses, why you didn't extrapolate that into some Sarah Palin kind of career. Because, yeah, you can do better than I can see Russia from my house.

Tell the story about the guy who lasted whatever day the musician came up. It was your buddy from the Angry Inch, Dan. Oh, my God. He shows up at Coots. We book him for four weeks. He's from Southern California. You know what? Let me go back a little bit.

When I was in a cover band, this was our drummer who eventually quit the band. So he started another band called the Angry Inch, which is who you booked by seeing them in Hawaii. And Dan's a bodybuilder. Now this isn't some little mouse of a man. This guy is fucking huge. Well, to be fair, he lettered in badminton in high school. Well, he did it with

42-inch biceps. No, he crushed. No, just out of intimidation. Go ahead, hit it back, faggot. Dan comes to me and he says, he's been there a week, and he says, I can't stay here. I said, what are you talking about? I think he's coming down off a runner or something. He's just totally weirded out.

He's sweating bullets. And he looked out his door one night and he heard some scraping noise, and he looked out the door and somebody from the neighborhood there was slowly unscrewing the light bulb from the porch because they needed a light bulb. His was on. Obviously, it worked. And they were helping themselves to the light bulb. Now, beside the bar, you have the band houses.

There were three that I know of, maybe four. There's some cabins over there that were due to be torn down that we've managed to keep habit of. But just up the road from that was a facility for mentally challenged... They were being transitioned back into society. Halfway house. You're not quite crazy enough to get the rubber room. We'll let you lose on society.

They walk around with their pants down, urinating throughout the neighborhood, speaking gibberish, looking for a hot cup of coffee. I think Becker coined them as stumble bums, and I still use that expression to this day. That was it. Tell you ivory. They'd be like, ivory. And he'd go, that's your tooth.

And he goes, no, no, no. So it's ivory. No, you broke your tooth out. If Navajo had blue teeth, they'd be selling it like turquoise the same way. Damn, damn you, God. Later in the week, Dan is in his cabana there at Coots, and somebody was on the run from the law. And it was either because he had the only light bulb in the cul-de-sac there or he didn't have the light bulb.

He didn't lock his door. And this guy literally was running a fugitive from the law, running down the street, and jumps into Lord S*** Cabana and slams the door and says, they're right behind me. And he ducks down. And Lord S*** is like, oh my god,

this is a real deal. And the guys look at him. He didn't have a gun or anything in his hand, but it's still intimidating enough to have someone jump into your apartment. As a former badminton champion. Heavy of breath. And you can hear the sirens outside, and the police dogs, literally cops and dogs are outside banging on the door.

Come out with your hands up! And they talk the person out the door. I don't know what the alleged crime was, but that was that tort for... someone stealing a life. And he kept going back to that when he was apologizing in this day and age the crime might have been uh serving a minor that looked like they were 28 years old he's like for christ's sakes they were stealing my fucking light bulbs last night and tonight i got a felon in my living room with the police right behind him that's it i'm out of here and he left as he couldn't he couldn't handle it wow yeah probably too old Because back in the day

That was funny Right now I'm tempted to leave A dog barks at me I'm like I've had enough I can't stand for this My nervous system is stripped so badly From a nitrous tank What?

I ain't pointing no fingers What's on the bus stays on the bus Oh wait Now it looks like there's a nitrous tank on the bus. No, that was three days ago. All right. That was a good place to break that at part one of the Alaska Doug Stanhope podcast. And stay tuned for part two coming to your iPod soon.

Play the Matoid. coming to your iPod soon. Play the Matoid! You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live in Anchorage, Alaska, on Matt Becker's Backyard Bus. Intro music by Miska Shubale. Party time by the Matoid,

both available on iTunes. This episode featured Doug Stanhope, Matt Becker, Duran Powell, and Greg Shaley, engineered by me, Shaley. If you like the podcast, take a moment to rate it on iTunes. Stay tuned for Alaska Stories Part 2, out real soon. It's party time Smile your smiles and Blue your blues It's party time Dance your dance and Shoe your shoes It's party time

Howl your howls and Suck your socks It's party time Oh baby, grab your craps And fuck your fucks It's party time Yeah! Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Everybody!

Grab your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time One more! Grab your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time One more Crap your crap Sam, fuck your fuck It's party time Here we go Party time Party time

Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time, party time, party time, party time Hey!

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