The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #006: Alaska Stories pt.2

Episode Date: July 7, 2013

Part 2 of the Alaska Podcast - Doug continues his conversation with the crew from the World Famous Chilkoot Charlie'sSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope. This is part two of the Alaska podcast with Duran and Billy and Matt Becker and other people that come and go. And yeah, if you haven't heard the first part, listen to that first and then come back to this one. And enjoy! Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating ¶¶ I can repeat myself now. That's all right.

You missed it the first time. As a comedian, you get used to repeating what you just said in the first show. I would love to be sponsored by any plastic jug vodka. How about just a plastic jug? Well, in the... We put an even shittier vodka in the plastic jug. Unlike the recent scandal where they caught

these New Jersey bars putting plastic jug into a Kettle One vodka. I'll put bathtub vodka into a plastic jug pop-off Wolf Schmidt Vitaly bottom shelf vodka. But that was TGF Fridays that did that. Barton. Charcoal filtered. Well, yes.

TGI Fridays. Anyway. That's why I hate franchises. That's why I like Choco Charlie's. Because individuals don't do shit. It's always the corporations. No, but we wouldn't do it 13 times. We only have 10 bars.

My grandfather used to marry the liquor off at my dad's bars. Hang on. Durant Powell, owner of Chilkoot Charlie's up here in Anchorage, Alaska. He'd come in for two hours a day and marry the liquor off. And what you do, you don't pour 100% Barton's into Grey Goose. You blend it off. You go like 60-40. Or you take, Tan Grey has very distinctive

taste, and so you blend it down about 50%. But there are special brands that are made. This is the guy, you learned this from the guy who put 7-Up in a champagne bottle? Yeah, this is, the fact is, my dad and Mike Gordon both went to high school together. Mike Gordon is the majority owner now. used to be your dad's partner. He bought in.

That's all you need. My dad was never partners with Mike, and they would never be partners. They used to say that if they ever agreed. It's enough to keep the audience up. Let's not divulge in diminution. They were both in the industry, and they used to say if they ever agreed on anything, they both knew they were wrong. I like that. I like that. I like that.

So they would dilute 60-40 on it. So my grandfather would spend two hours a morning, and he would use a Crown Royal bottle until the label wore off. They would threaten to fire a bartender if they cracked a fresh bottle of VO and there are brands that are made out there, Canadian mist that are made to blend into Canadian whiskey, that there are similar tasting just because the Canadian mist runs one hundred and fifteen bucks a case and the crowns four hundred dollars a case. And you can blend off three or four cases a week in a small bar. So Becker, as the best bartender in the world, and no doubt at Chilkoot Charlie's, how would you cheat the customer if the days were the same? Oh, back in those days,

I would use, instead of Captain Morgan's, I just used vanilla extract. Because that's the only thing you'd do. But you'd do a card trick right in front of them. But an amazing card trick. Becker.

The fact is that Coots today, if you order a Jack Daniels, you get a Jack Daniels. It's 100% for you. Let's talk about Becker. Because Becker has a better show as a bartender than I have as a comedian. Describe the Birdhouse. It holds how many people? No, there's a history. About as much as this bus. Absolutely. Thanks for the birdhouse. It holds how many people? No, there's a history. About as much as this bus.

Absolutely. Thanks for the listening audience. You spelled it out completely. You said short bus. Yeah, like a short bus. It holds about 40 people. No, withstanding capacity. 45 is the capacity on the wall.

And it probably seats 15, 12 at the bar with enough people to stand around and see the bar. It's at an angle. It's in a round. It's at a 45-degree angle. The Bird House was a legendary bar in Alaska back in the 40s. Oh, yeah, the 50s and 60s. Gordon owned it back in the late 60s. And then the earthquake hit.

Well, actually, the reason it was sinking to the ground was because of the quake. But Gordon sold it, and they moved into town and opened coots. Tell people at home, it's the sinking into the ground was because of the quake. But Gordon sold it, and they moved into town and opened coots. Tell people at home, it's the sinking into the ground that makes this. Up in Alaska, we've got a thing called permafrost, and it's about four feet down the ground. The ground is permanently frozen, but if you install a building in the ground, it'll transmit heat. The ground thaws, and it turns into mush. It's like trying to build a building on a swamp. Quick tip.

Let me do it. There was a bar that was a legendary bar, but it sank at an angle, so the bar, if you put a beer bottle on the bar, it will slide to the low end of the bar. It's at that much of an angle. Yeah, the whole building was collapsing down. Slowly, not overnight.

But they kept drinking in there. It's like the old joke. Firemen rush into a bar that's on fire. They pull out an Irishman. They go, how did this thing get started? He goes, I don't know. It was burning when I walked in. So people would continue to go to this bar, even though it was sinking at such an incredible angle that you're diagonal sitting at a bar.

They used to say if you could put the birdhouse on wheels and take it into Anchorage, you'd make a million bucks. So that's what the original Coutts was all about. That's what you did. You rebuilt it exactly the way it was as an attachment to Chilkoot Charlie's. Hold on. It burned down. It burned to the ground in like 95, I think. 96.

So that's when it came out. We bought the rights back to it and rebuilt it in Spenard. But here's the deal. Doug and I came up. Well, you recreated it. We came up the week after it burned down. That was when we came up to do the anniversary show. We're getting way off track. The point is this is where Becker works is the bar that used to be the birdhouse. It's a recreation of the birdhouse, and Matt has brought it forward into the new decade.

But the fact is when we built it, they reprinted the bumper stickers they went so far. They tore the floor out three times to get their angle right on the floor. The city code doesn't allow you to build something at a 45-degree angle because people fall down. Unless it's historic. No, no, we had to build it square and get the city to sign off on it,

and then we tore it all out and screwed it up, fucked it up. Now it's legal. Yeah. Now it's official. Somehow that makes sense. fucked it up. Now it's legal. Yeah.

Somehow that makes sense. I'm trying to get to what Becker has created in the birdhouse. Because Becker, again, one of the funniest people I've ever met. The funniest person I've ever met. Even my manager says, Becker's the funniest person I've ever...

He doesn't laugh. His catchphrase is, I don't like fun. That's my Scottish accent. I don't like fun. But Becker is, to gadgetry, we already covered that. But you have like, you'll have a dildo on a squirt gun and sell shots of tequila through a dildo. Right. No, and that's the thing.

But you got to remember, I went into it knowing, first, not that I was a bartender. You're a comedian and someone needs a drink. You can stay home and drink. I never understand that. It was like people can stay home and drink. If you can do what you're doing in a bar at home, you should be there. So we better offer something different and if i wave a dildo if i wave a dildo on your girlfriend's face or do

a card trick that you go oh wow i think i lost at poker that same way you might have but you learned something in the old when becker and i were first going out on the road doing triple gigs which are the most miserable montana drive eight hours to the next gig for a hundred bucks and free celery sticks at the happy hour buffet, Becker would show up with a sport coat on. This is just one that I remember. He'd have everything. I remember he'd take a can of butane. I remember he'd take a can of butane, he'd have it in one sport coat pocket,

run PVC piping up the sleeve, through his shoulder, down the other sleeve, and just sit and wait for a girl to pull out a cigarette. So he could light it for her. You want a light? And with his hidden arm, he'd hit the can of butane, hit the lighter arm with the tube coming out at the wrist, and shoot a line of fire two feet long out of a Bic lighter. Terrify everybody in the bar.

But hysterical. Yeah. And he'd have a million of these gadgets on him all the time. We used to play a game called walk the dancer where a lot of in those days shit comedy rooms in you know butte montana or idaho falls it would turn into a dance club after the comedy so everyone rushes in to go do line dancing and shit so we really have no game after the comedy audience is gone, but we still want to get pussy. So we'd play Walk

the Dancer, where the game was you'd bet a beer, which is a lot of money back in those days. On a triple run, yeah. And we'd each get a girl to dance, agree to dance, and we'd bring them on the dance floor at the same time. You're going up straight, though.

It's not letting on. Just, hey, would you like to dance? Hey, hi. We had rules. Yeah, there were two rules. The object of the game is to dance so poorly that your partner walks off the dance floor in embarrassment. Whoever can get their person off the dance floor first wins, and the only two rules were no physical

touching them in any way or verbal no physical or verbal abuse no abuse verbally or physically and the best part was even though you were going to win you still wanted to dance so poorly they went no no don't leave

don't leave that's when we stopped is when there was enough carryover from comedy that you're, oh, wait, you were at the show? Well, this doesn't work because you think I'm being goofy and I'm going to stay all night and I can only dance so long. I'm a smoker. But I remember Becker beat me once by

flossing his teeth on the dance floor. With the jacket. I had butane and I had floss. And I'm like, how do you have floss on you? He's going through his pockets. There's a rubber glove. There's a stapler. There's a can of butane.

There's dental floss. But he had some method to his madness. There was nothing random in there. There's something in there just in case. A-team style. What do you need a bazooka? Well, just in case. You'll see. style. What do you need a bazooka? Well, just in case. You'll see.

But yeah, flossing was the greatest because she started when I first pulled it out. She's like, what? And then it was, oh, my God. And then Becker says, do you remember? What, you don't believe in good dental hygiene? I bought a beer. Yep, and I got a beer out of that. All right, Duran, unless you have some, keep taking notes.

Well, he left now. My relief is relieving himself. Yeah, Billy Bad is next up. But you stay close, because I want you to chime in on these stories. We can keep him here. We got enough money. Billy's walking in. Did you have something you were about to start?

No, no. Yeah, I went fishing recently with a guy that had this million-dollar yacht, and I luckily got invited to go on this little cruise, and he takes me up into the captain's position four stories up from the bow of the deck, and he goes, well, you know, you've been at Coots a long time. You've probably got a good story. What's your best been at Coots a long time. You've probably got a good story. What's your best story at Coots? I go, well, that'd be the night we

banned Butt Bongo as a promotion at Coots. And Butt Bongo was something that Stearns used to do. You know, you pull the girl's pants down and you lay her over your lap and you play bongos on her ass to salsa music. And we were sponsored by

Miller. Miller Genuine Draft. They were printing t-shirts. The winner got a jacket, but all the semi-finalists got t-shirts. Big prizes involved. To be fair, not a leather jacket. Like a tavern jacket. Like Corduroy.

We weren't really all in. Bob Lester was the MC, and Bob took it to areas. He took it to areas we took it to regions we just never thought we could go we had a girl that came up on stage and she was a good looking girl and uh she didn't have a drummer she needed someone to drum her ass uh naked ass in front of the crowd to salsa music and so bob calls out bob calls out the crowd who will be this girl's partner and this guy raises his hand and he's got a military haircut. And Bob says, what branch of the service are you from, sir?

He says, I'm a Marine. I'm like, come on up here. And so he sits down and pulls her pants down. And she's got her panties on. She's a quiet Catholic girl on stage in front of Coots playing butt bongo. And he lays her over his lap, and out of nowhere comes this knife. He just pulls this knife out of his back pocket and he cuts her underwear off. And the crowd just goes, oh my God. And the security rushes forward and

the guy puts the knife away and Bob's like, oh, it's alright, it's alright. He's just playing along. So security sort of takes a step back. They start the music and he reaches down and he grabs baby oil that was on stage from a prior act and he just hoses this girl's ass down with baby oil. I won't ask what the prior act is. No, we had baby oil that was on stage from a prior act, and he just hoses this girl's ass down with baby oil.

I won't ask what the prior act is. No, we had baby oil, we had whipped cream, other things that you could spray on them as you were... We got away from the stern version. Oh, it's completely original now. So instead

of bonging her ass, he's just sort of lecherously rubbing her ass slowly. And Bob's on the mic and Bob's like, he waits a little bit in the crowd, starts booing. He's like, come on, dude, it's butt bongo. It's not butt rubby. You know, let's do something. Drill, baby, drill. And so as he's rubbing her ass, he takes his middle finger and slides it down the crack of her ass right up her ass on stage and for the crowd.

Penetrates this girl. She stands up and she turns and she slaps him. You know, security rushes the stage for real this time. We handcuff him. She runs backstage. I'm mortified. The crowd is just, you know, is all upset out there and screaming and yelling. And I go backstage, and the girl's standing there, and she's got her pants around her ankles.

She's got a bar towel, and she's cleaning the baby oil out from the crack of her ass. And I tell her, I said, look, we've got him in custody. You call a cab instinctually. We've got him in custody. If you want to press charges, we can press charges, whatever you want to do. And she looks at me over her shoulder and she says,

no, it's okay, we're in the finals. See, these sound like, that sounds like a book joke. I know. Did you ever hear the one about the girl with the bongo? It's okay, we. The aristocrats. We're in the finals.

These are fucking good stories. It's why I moved here. For a corduroy jacket. Men's size. And that's where Joe Francis goes, I can get him to do it for a t-shirt and be a millionaire. Well, that didn't work out good. Well, no.

I always said that he would be owned by lawyers by the time he's 40 and it's about that time and i'm almost right but we'll be right back after this pouring of a cocktail this break brought to you by nitrous oxide ice and plastic bottled vodka hi this is doug stanhope for the alaska tourism board if you're old vodka. Hi, this is Doug Stanhope for the Alaska Tourism Board. If you're ever in Anchorage, go see Chilkoot Charlie's, the biggest bar in Anchorage, and the owner, Duran, has the longest balls in the world, and he wears Saks underpants. That's right, Saks underpants. Ladies love them.

I can't even do a regular drop without a lady yelling, Long balls, I love them, I'm from Anchorage. And long bald men wear Saks underpants. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, broadcasting from Anchorage, Alaska, and Chokut, Charlies. Stan Hope Podcast, broadcasting from Anchorage, Alaska, and Chokut, Charlies. All right, right now we're back from the Alaska podcast or possibly Alaska series. We have to sit back and sober check a lot of these things to make sure no one has been defamed, libeled, or divorced because of what we said when we were drinking.

This is Doug Stanhope, and this is my podcast, Seven Drinks In. I'd use that as a title, except I'd have to change it because I'm such a snob about being factually correct. But if we were 12 Drinks In, I'd go, I can't use Seven Drinks In on a 12-drink podcast. I'd look like a liar. So, yeah, we're here in Alaska, the home of the best stories ever, which this I could do an Alaska podcast series of just the shit that happens. It was 20 years, almost 18 years. I've been coming up here and they're always the most ridiculous, crazy stories. Even now, when I slept for 15 hours last night, a fitful 15-hour triple dose of Xanax sleep,

still waking up going, I'm missing something. I'm missing something. I think I'm going to die if I stay awake. No, we made excuses for you because Colleen was playing last night, and I knew that there's no way this recording was going to take place unless you got 15 hours of straight sack time. It's absolutely possible that you would not be even recording right now. Yeah, yeah, and I didn't come up to do the show.

I came up to podcast. Clearly. Clearly, yeah. So now we've already talked to Duran, the owner, even if that happens to be a later episode, because we have to introduce Alaska's most eligible bachelor. He was always known.

He's got a gal now, but every other girl is just waiting for her to get AIDS or die or something, because you're still the hottest. Not in that order. Billy Bad is still the fucking baddest man in America. How do you get AIDS after you die?

Well, there's people with predilections and let's not... Didn't you ever see that movie about Haiti where they raised the dead? What was that movie? Pet Cemetery. It's kind of like that.

Field of Dreams? Yeah. If you're a racist and you look at Haitians as subhumans, the theory would still be the same. It's kind of like that, too. But now we have who used to always be known as Alaska alaska's most eligible bachelor billy bad when i when i uh did hallucinogens which is most of my life just sporadically now some but every time i tripped there were two people that were the king and queen of every trip that i would try to high dial when i was in the depths of a hallucinogen.

And Colleen was the queen of the trip, and Billy was the king. They were people that I looked up to as, let's say, spiritual advisors. People like when you know you're tripping hard and you need someone strong to get you through a weird part. Billy, is everything okay? Don't worry, buddy. You're going to be fine. You can work a phone? He just had...

What, when you're tripping? Yeah. How many fucking high dials have I gotten from Alaska? I just assume you had someone else dialing. Maybe I did. I don't remember. That's true. I remember.

It was like, get Billy. I don't want to say a father figure. No, you picked the two perfect people to call. But it was a security blanket. People who were on top of their shit mentally that could talk you off any ledge that you trusted implicitly. And I don't even put Becker. I put Becker in the funniest person I know. But I would be horrible for that.

Oh, no, no. I would be horrible. When it comes to mental stability, you can always trust. Even if Billy's losing his shit, he has this face of I can conquer anything. At his own worst personal moment, he still has his shit together. Billy bad. And you're still kind of beautiful. See, that's how long they've known each other.

Well, no. There's the part of me when I get drunk and abusive where I go, well, you're kind of bloated now. Versus things that I could throw him under the bus professionally. You go, oh, I'm not going to do that. So we'll go, you're a bloated fat fuck. You're not really fat and you're full of testosterone. Let's talk about that. Yeah, let's talk about that.

I was telling Billy in Costa Rica last time I saw him that I have no sex drive whatsoever. And he goes, you know, there's things you could take for that. And I go, why would you want to? Like, why would you want to create a need that you don't already have? Billy's a bull. He wants to fuck all the time. That's his nature. But to try to counsel me, well, like, if you didn't have to eat, think of the money you'd save.

Yours would be like a billboard for fruit. That if you could encourage kids to eat fruit, but why would you create that billboard? Kids are going to eat it or not. But the idea of forcing them to eat fruit Sounds dangerous I had a great example of a need that you're creating That you don't already have But it's lost now

The point is You're a monster You're a hero Let's bring that out Do you want to open with that? Should we open with that? I think we're scrapping everything up until now anyway. So go ahead.

Billy, well, no. Not if you listen to it back. I was very fucking delicate on that. No, you were delicate. Shut up. You were. Billy, you just made national news recently as a fireman. You used to be a bar manager at Coots.

And then you went into the hero profession. And you just got fucked. Yeah, fire. They didn't beat you, but that was a tie. If this was hockey, they do have a tie. You didn't have to go to the death. All right, tell us the story about your misadventure with fire. Misadventure with fire.

Well, you know, I work as a firefighter here in the city. And we, typical day, got banged out to go to a structure fire and went there. And when I do this, that means eat the mic or talk loud. Eat the mic or talk louder. There you go. Perfect. Okay. Went to a structure fire, pulled some hose, went inside to fight fire, and then had a

roof collapse on top of me. We had the biggest snowfall ever. For the people who don't... What was this? Was it a house? Yeah. It was a structure. Residence.

All right. Yeah. So went inside. We had the largest snowfall we've had in 20 years here. Were there people in the place? No, it was empty at the time. He didn't have to go double hero. Yeah, yeah.

Not totally empty. Just wanted to put the fire out. Not totally empty. There was one guy, Andre. There was one guy. One guy went in to make sure the light switches were off. I was kind of wondering why everybody else stood outside while I went in. I was kind of wondering why everybody else stood outside while I went in.

So I went in. I thought I had to fire out for the most part, and I did. And about that time, I heard a loud creaking sound, and new things were going to get bad, and then it collapsed on me. The whole house? The roof. That's pretty much the whole house.

Yeah, yeah. The investigator said there were six. It's not like the second floor was still standing and the roof was up. Right, right, right. The investigator said there were six to 9,000 pounds on top of me. And fortunately for me, they called in all the. Which the Billy I knew would go, I can bench that. One arm.

Well, I was lucky to have a lot of good guys on the scene. And they got me out in about 20 minutes. And I don't remember much about it. I was kind of out of it. good guys on the scene, and they got me out in about 20 minutes. I don't remember much about it. I was kind of out of it. And it fucked you up. What were the injuries? I had a broken left leg, torn ligaments in my right knee,

bulging discs in my neck, burns on my back, broken rib. Yeah, that's enough. And you lost your watch. That one hurt the worst Let's be honest If you're going to drop a roof on your head Do it in front of the fire department They walk over to the truck They get the lift the roof kit out of the fire truck And lift the house back up

Yeah, but they debate it first Do the budget cuts Inside political humor Right here It's like the capital steps but it's just the capital of alaska uh well billy's like you're you you take these chances anyway and make really stupid choices with your own body yeah it's not and and billy's not like a badass. Keep in mind, Billy is the smiling badass at the bar. Earlier we talked about, hopefully in the same podcast, if we have to break him up,

he's the guy that jumped over the bar when the guy with the loaded.45s was coming at me. Jackie Trink is going, get out of the way. I'm like, fuck this, I'm watching. And Billy Bat... This is before Netflix. Billy Bat is the guy that calmly at 6 o'clock at night went over and just calmly talked a guy out of shooting him with two loaded.45s in each hand. But Billy Bad, I remember the hot tub story is the most horrifying description of.

And this wasn't you trying to save a burning structure or a baby. This was just you trying to be a badass and move a hot tub by yourself. You didn't want to trouble no one to say, hey, get half of this. I can't really do this on my own. So you tried to unload a hot tub from a truck? Yeah, no, I was trying to get a hot tub on the truck and out of the cabin. And, yeah, I tried to do it by myself. How much did it do that way?

I don't know. It was heavy. Let's say 6,000 to 9,000 pounds. Oh, sure. About the same as a burning star. Yeah, a burning star. Yeah, about that time. Yeah, so I had it up at about a 45-degree angle and was rocking it back and forth.

And I thought once it came down, I'd be able to heave it back up again. And when I did that, it snapped the bicep tendon in my right arm. It snapped the bicep tendon in your right arm. But the way you described what that's like was like a rubber band being pulled to its most taut. Yeah. pulled to its most taut, and then snapping and springing back up. What's that bone? Not your femur, but your arm femur. The humerus?

Humerus. Not so much. Not so much? I think of it like a shade that you pull down all the way, and you let go, and it starts flapping. Yeah, like the old... No, Greg, swear to God, that's exactly what it was like, too. I watched it coil up in my arm go and it starts flapping. Yeah, like the old Venetian plan. That's exactly what it was like, too.

I watched it coil up in my arm and it was like... He watched it coil up in his arm. Then he lifted the hot tub into the truck with his feet. Somewhere from the back of the room in the audience of Billy's mind, someone goes, try lefty.

And you're out of your cabin, so there's nothing. It was our kid's birthday the coming weekend, and I was trying to get up there and get everything cleaned up, and I was out there by myself, and I was probably about a 12-pack in. So I'm out there, and it snapped, and my arm's turning purple.

So I started calling some friends to find out what the best course of action was going to be be because I wasn't driving anywhere and I was a couple hours away from town. 12-pack is enough to cause it but not enough to cure it. Oh, did you call your friend like Stevie?

No, this is, sorry, this is just a perfect segue into my notes because there's another story where you probably had more than a 12-pack. And our good friend Bart, who may or may not show up tonight, you guys are all getting shit-faced. Correct any of the setup if it's too wrong. But you're all shit-faced, and you guys like to wrestle when you're drunk. So Stevie, another badass.

You and Bart, who's not even a badass, but he likes to get in there and spar. He's scrappy. So you end up dislocating his shoulder as far as you know. As far as we know. Yeah. And ow, ow, ow.

Yeah, well, we like to play this game when we got really tattered. You know, like when you were a kid, you lay on your back. It's called, there's no chicks here, let's beat each other up rather than fuck. Yeah, and you try to launch, you lay on your back, and then your buddy lays on the bottom of your feet, and you try to launch him in the air as high as they can go. Nice and open ceilings. Yeah, yeah.

So we, this was like three or four in the morning, we decided to do this with Bart, and we launched him up in the air, and he came down to this really awkward position, but he went really high, which was awesome. So when he landed, he let out this really weird kind of girly scream that I'd never heard before. And then he rolled over. We thought he was kidding. And he was like, oh, my God.

And then after we joked for a little bit, we realized he wasn't kidding. So Stevie... That's how I got my jaw broke when I was 13. I would always fake pain, because my big brother would beat me up, and he had me in a chokehold, and I passed out, and I went limp, and he goes, oh, you're faking it like you always do, and let me go on a cement

floor. But I wasn't there to block the fall, so I broke my jaw. So I do the Bart thing. I was the little guy. He did the Bart thing. But he was not kidding this time. He wasn't kidding. You know how Bart is. When he started acting like that, we were like, yeah, whatever. But then you realize, wow, he's not

playing around. So Stevie, at the time, who was an active duty fireman, and I was a wannabe back then, but we decided, Stevie decided that, well, he's got dislocated shoulders, so I've got this cool little nifty trick, and we'll try to pop it back into place. And so we laid Bart, who's squealing the whole time, we laid him up on the counter.

Squeal for me, Bart! We laid him up on the counter in the kitchen, and... I just want you talking into the head of the mic, because Chandler's not here right now. I don't want to miss this, because it's a great story. So Stevie calls friends of his who were in the medical profession, and he's talking to them about how should we handle this. We've got a dislocated shoulder. And so they're telling him how to do this,

and so we start yanking on Bart's shoulder trying to pop it back into place, and he is squealing bloody murder the whole time. And we keep trying and trying and trying, and, man, it's not getting any better at all. So eventually we got him to the hospital later that night. First of all, because you're drunk, did you have someone dump him out in front of the emergency room and peel out? No, we picked the soberest person at the party. Soberest.

Soberest. Again, Alaska. No one's driving. Well, you're not going to find a sober person. We'll go with soberest. Soberest. Again, Alaska. No one's driving. We're not going to find a sober person. We'll go with soberest. It's Alaska. A soberest person. And then took him into the hospital.

And the doctor came out later and told the person that had brought Bart in that Bart, yes, indeed had a dislocated shoulder. But he also had a broken humerus. Humerus! The upper arm bone that we had been yanking on the whole time. Trying to get his arm back in place,

but it snapped it out. He was squealing. The guy was in horrible pain. What would it do if we yanked on a broken humerus bone? See, but that's the thing about Billy. Billy is such a cool headed, smart on top of... Whatever shit's going down, you assume Billy's on top of it.

He's got your back. So I would never look at Billy with a broken arm going, you might be wrong on this one. I'd go, wow, I guess a dislocated shoulder hurts worse than I thought because it feels like my bone's coming through my skin. But it's Billy so I trust you implicitly yeah I wouldn't even correct him if it was oh it's moving right here says Kimmy it's moving right here uh don't don't question I went to a doctor in LA where Becker and

I used to live because I used to do a joke about how something about I'm afraid of passing my liver like a stillborn where your liver hurts to the touch. And then it started happening where I thought, oh, my liver really does hurt to the touch. Every now and again, I would get this pain. Puffy. So I went to a doctor that I could afford where I lived in a Russian area of West Hollywood where they have all these mom and pop doctors. It's the one closest to me. I go in and I go, something's fucked up with my liver. I remember the Russian lady doctor

said, do you drink? I said, yes. She goes, what do you drink? I said, mostly beer. She said, don't drink beer. Drink vodka. Is this a doctor? Really? They did that like what they do with a baby, where they put gel on you, like an ultrasound kind of thing.

But they're doing it way up here by my ribs. And I'm thinking, that's not where it hurts. But in my head, I'm thinking, that's not where my liver is, because that's not where it hurts. I assume where it hurts must be my liver, so I think they're wrong for looking in the wrong spot. Like, they don't know where a liver is. No, I don't know where a liver is.

It was some kind of gastric thing, but in my head, I'm smarter than them because they're Russians and they told me to drink vodka instead of beer. They must also not... And then later I go, oh, wait, your liver is up there. I just looked online.

So it wasn't my liver after all. And that's the good news. That's why you're still here. All right. Cha-ching. Pipe bomb Barney. Yeah. Billy's birthday is on the 26th of December.

So everyone has their Christmas shit and they have to work before or after. So the 26th, it was always the perfect time to come up for Christmas. Everyone does their family shit, but Billy's birthday is the day after. So we can all come up and celebrate Christmas on Billy's birthday. So we used to have these fucked up parties at Physician Willie's house, we'll say. The car doctor. I've actually

used a euphemism for his nickname that no one knows. I'm burying you too deep in anonymity there, Doc. But we'd go and we'd just get fucked up and there was costumes involved and everyone dressed up

and weird. I remember liquid latex G-string night. I still have pictures of that with Betsy. But then the psychos of the bunch, which was Stevie, Billy and Sean, I guess, was part of that.

Yeah, Sean was part of that. They brought out, Barney was big at the time, so they made. Yeah, Sean had come up with the idea that Barney's cool and he's all the rage, but he thought, how cool would it be if we could make Barney explode? So he came up with this thing called Pipe Bomb Barney. He actually constructed and Sean's smart enough, he created a pipe bomb and put it in the back of this giant Barney doll.

Which now if you even Google how to make a pipe bomb you're on a list. I tried to Google Pressure Cooker Barney and I almost went to jail. You just Google Barney Frank and someone's got an eye on you.

Sean constructed this thing and we got the nerve up at the party and it kind of killed the party, but everybody was having a great time until Pipe Bomb Barney came out and then Stevie was the only one with big enough huevos to run the detonation cord attached to the back of the Barney doll. You have to understand, I have an actual irrational fear of balloons. Where I have to overcome that just to do whippets off the nitrous tank. It's like when someone aims a rubber band in your face and that's how I feel about balloons. I just don't do it.

I remember being in a Perkins where they blow up, do balloon animals on Sunday morning for the kids and just like, stop, it's going to pop. So when they, when, when I'm on ecstasy and other people are bringing out pipe bombs, I'm like, oh, this is fucking killing me. I remember when they brought the detonation cord out. I'm already hunkered down behind a leather couch indoors. Yeah. Go ahead.

No, it was kind of a buzzkill. So they ran it out. Stevie ran the Barney out into the yard. It was like three feet of snow out there at that time. So he's trudging out there with the cord behind him. So it was a mild winter. Yeah. It was a mild winter.

He puts the pipe on Barney down, goes back inside, and everybody immediately starts scrambling to hide, like hiding places. And everybody's getting down. And so we had a countdown from 10. And it went off. Which, at one of those parties, anyone who can do it is the soberest guy to drive. Count to 10 backwards. Drop off, barn at the hospital. That's the hardest part, is finding somebody that can do that.

But you're all watching this through a big sliding glass window? I wasn't watching. Everybody was hiding. I was literally hunkered down like there was going to be some bunker buster that's about to happen. Yeah, yeah. And nobody wanted to look. So everybody was hiding, and they were knelt down.

We're in footie pajamas. And G-strings. I'm out of time for TNT. Yeah, yeah. It was a Kennedy assassination. You're the Warren Report. It's like duck and cover. Everyone's down under a desk.

Right. No, no, exactly. That's exactly what it was like. So we had to count down, and not really thinking this thing. Not sure, not knowing if it was going to go off or not. But but we had to count down to one and it went off and it was a big boom. And everybody was like, oh, you know, and then we got up, went outside and like Barney's head was left and everything else had been blown across the across the yard into a million pieces. But so it was a success.

It was a success. Yeah, it was back when that was a success. It was a success. Yeah. Yeah. It was good. Back when that was fun. Back when that was fun. Back was, and you Christians did it.

And yeah. And then Billy became a hero and saw people with just their head left and said, I should have never done that to Barney. I should have never done that to Barney. Now it's real. So many stories. Billy, you are a hero.

You risk your life for any cause. Tell us about your hair transplant that almost cost your life. You forgot to mention in the beginning that I'm probably one of the vainest guys on the planet too No, no, see, what does that read? The bullet point is vanity It's on the notes, awesome I don't know if you wanted to talk about it We can dump it if you want

You know, I don't care because I poke at myself all the time Well, it's not like no one No, listen, I've told every guy at the fire department Everybody knows about my hair Joe Rogan is like going, yeah, I had a million shots. I thought, I have hair for a limited time only. Let me try to keep it. And now he has scars around his head like you do.

You remember the one time I came to LA and I had it done? That's the one where you almost died. Yeah. That's why I thought it was important to talk about it. I don't know this story. I think maybe I caught it at your place because that's where I slept. No, all my dirty stuff I did on the road. Home is clean as a whistle.

You know shit where you eat. Come on. Did you have the bandhouse soap there? I can't remember the gal you were dating at the time. Betsy. No, no, no.

It was Renee. No, it was the girl from the head of the class. Oh, it was Christine, huh? Yeah, it was Christine. It was the girl from the head of the class. Yeah, I remember.

She was awesome. I came and hung out with you. After my surgery, my head was... She was ahead of the class. Yeah, I remember. And she was awesome. And I came and hung out with you. After my surgery, my head was... She was awesome to a point. She would never come up to Alaska for the wiggy parties. Well, it was her loss. Yeah. No, it was a good thing.

She wasn't here. It would have killed the buzz. Yeah. Yeah, Pipe Bomb Barney. She's actually calling 911 going, this is illegal. Like, no. Before. Anyway, so you came down.

You were going to get your hair. Yeah, yeah. I was going to get a hair transplant done. Like, no. Before. Anyway, so you came down. You were going to get your hair. Yeah, yeah. I was going to get a hair transplant done, and I did. And so later that day, you and Christine came over to get me at the hotel. They tried to get me out of there just to go out and do something fun, and my head was kind of swelled up like a balloon, and I had this big oversized hat on trying to hide my large melon. Back then, we didn't have the prescience to call it Ghost of Christmas Future.

Now it's just your whole head. Back then, just the top part. No, you guys were great. You guys took me to a comedy show. We had a few beers and put me up for the night. To get Macy's Parade. So I got home, and a day or two later, I woke up in the middle of the night with like a 104 fever and just dying. And my roommates took me to the hospital, and they found out that I had sutured in some hairs in my head that shouldn't have been there, and they got infected.

And so I had this gigantic, my face looked like. Well, we use ass hair, but not that close to the asshole. That's what we're. Well, Duran, I had, I was supposed to have worked like that night and my face looked like that. I gained 50 pounds literally. And Duran likes to say that it's the first time he's ever had anybody call in ugly. I couldn't, I couldn't go to work that night.

So, uh, yeah, I know it was a nasty infection and, uh. But yeah, You were close to death. Whatever the infection is called. He had staph infections. Can you imagine? The hilarity of dying from a hair transplant.

You guys would have been comedy lovers. I always say I don't want to die ironically like that. I don't want to die from stepping on an AIDS needle on my way to get condoms. He was running into a burning house when he stopped to comb his hair in the house. I'm going to look good on the front page of the paper after I save this baby. The unbreakable comb still survives. Billy's dead.

I know it wasn't one of your things to talk about, but something I remember, one of my best experiences with you was in Costa Rica when we decided to run with the Bulls. Oh, yeah. I've got a picture of you with your little matador,

and we walked down that hardcore Costa Rican town. Well, Costa Rica, they do running with them. It's not like Pamplona. They do it like those backwoods racetrack where just any asshole with a Vega and a Cessna engine can enter themselves in. They hammer up an arena over the few days days with two by fours and nails. You crawl through the fence with a beer. This is not a thing where anyone segregated. Hold on, there's too many people

in there. Anyone can get in. It's part running with the bulls, part bullfighting. It's set up like bullfighting, but any drunken asshole in the world can just wander in and it's fine. They don't say no. They want you to get four. Whatever that is in Spanish.

There's no table where you sign a release, right? Yeah. There's basically two guys running around the entire bullring that's constructed in a day. No, it's like 70 guys. But they're hammering nails back in that have worked themselves out from the previous day's events. Oh, yeah. It is insane. Yeah, it's crazy.

So, well, Doug and I went there with the girls, and we were half in the bag when we went there. And at one point, Doug was sitting next to me, and he goes, hey, so are we going to do this? And I said, do what? He goes, we're going to go out there with those guys. And I'm like, are you out of your mind, dude? I'm not going to run with the bulls. He goes, yeah, come on.

But we can't tell the girls. So Doug and I... Well, they'll stop you. They have sense. Yeah, exactly. Fuck them. Exactly. And we already stick out like a turd to punch bull, because we're the only gringos in the but we can't tell the girls. So Doug and I... Well, they'll stop you. They have sense. Yeah, exactly. We already stick out like a turd to punch bull because we're the only gringos in the whole crowd. And Doug is wearing...

And Doug's got his matador. I had a sequined matador kind of vest I found in a thrift store. And I'm like, this is perfect for Costa Rica in case we go to the Bulls. We did this the first time with Becker. I'll get to that story, but go ahead. We call it the Johnny Bravo jacket. It reminds me of the Brady Bunch.

I think I realized, I think that was actually kind of thumbing the nose at the locals. I did get booed, if you don't remember, because they want an American to get gored, but they take that whole bullfighting shit seriously.

Oh, yeah. Where I just think, I hope you all die because I'm on the side of the bull. So me wearing a bullfighter jacket as a drunken American, I roundly booed for walking out there. Oh, no. We walked down the street in that town, and I was walking behind Doug, and all the locals were giving him the stink eye. But anyway, we're sitting there, and Doug tells the girls at one point, he goes, hey, we're going to go to the bathroom. We'll be back in a minute.

So that's the cue. So we get up, and we go down behind the bleachers, and here's Doug and I, like commando, crawling under the bleachers to get to the ring. So we crawl through there. And I remember Cheryl had told me at one point, she said, we didn't know where you guys went, and then we looked up on the – and they actually had a, if you can believe it, a Jumbotron there.

She said, we looked up and there you guys were on the Jumbotron because everybody was booing. And so Doug and I go out there. Doug and I go out there. What's hero in Spanish? Boo, I think it's boo. It's boo. And then to show their appreciation, they throw rotten fruit at you.

Because Doug and I were out there, and rotten stuff started raining down on us. There were cups flying. Oh, man, yeah. They were throwing a lot of shit at us. They eat brown bananas in Costa Rica. I'm not saying it was rotten. But I got to tell you, Doug and I were the only ones.

And it's a currency, I believe, too. They were throwing money at us, and you just don't know the local custom. People were running from the bull, and they were running from you two. Well, I've got to tell you, Doug and I... Rodney Carver Mirandas. The local

matadors, they were drunk, but I tell you, they were all hanging back and acting like they were going to run up and do something, but they hung way far back. Doug and I were the only ones stupid enough to run up behind the bull and slap the bull way far back. Doug and I were the only ones stupid enough to run up behind the bull and slap the bull on the ass and then run it around it and the bull spinning around trying to catch us.

We were the only ones dumb enough to actually have some fun with it and probably almost die. Well, here's it. This is what I would call the Joe Rogan effect. The first time I did that was with Becker the first time we went to Costa Rica. It was not a big festival like the one you and I were at. Be first time I did that was with Becker the first time we went to Costa Rica. It was not a big festival like the one

you and I were at. Becker and I just happened to find this place getting away from the chicks who I think stayed home. It was just you and me. Yeah, and Becky said anything but hookers. Yeah. Alright. So we saved that for another excursion. No, just kidding. We went

and we just found this. We were just looking for a bar in town in Capos. And we found, we happened on a bullfighting smaller affair. And I talked Becker into it the same way I talked you into it. Only I was lead man with Becker. He's like, yeah. And he's like, okay, you go first. Just like the transvestite hooker. Okay, you go first.

I'll be right there. And I go in there and I'm drunk enough. I like the transvestite hooker. Okay, you go first. I'll be right there. And I go in there, and I'm drunk enough. I swear I'm a horse whisperer, and that bull just made eye contact like I could pet it. And, yeah, it didn't come anywhere near us, fortunately, or maybe it did. No, it did. It came close enough I ran like a pussy. But you also used to dive under the fence, which is how you dive. Yeah.

Because instead of going over the fence, because the bull would bore you on the ground. I kept telling you. I low crawled under. They told me that's a rookie mistake. Rookie move. But when I did it with you, see, I've already done it with Becker, who was smart and hung like a pussy behind me. I'm point man. Completely.

Well, now I have Joe. That bull had a huge dick. Just like the train best state. Now I have Joe Rogan syndrome where Rogan's a badass. So if I go at Rogan and shit goes poorly, boo all you want because he's going to fight first. I'm going to make him. He's a big guy. He's a hero.

He can bench press 6,000 pounds of fire. I tell you, I've never been more. We got out of there and I've never been more adrenalized and scared at the same time. Like the reality that we just did that and had a bull chasing us around and we had a whole race of people booing us and throwing rotten fruit at us. I was like the whole, it hit me. You know, it's all in how you dress. If I had just gone in there with one of those baseball caps with a beer holder on each side

and straws going into my face, they'd be going, Yay! Because they know we're getting gored first. I go in there with bravado with a thrift store. Johnny Bravo jacket. Well, you walk down the town like you own the place with your jacket, though. Because I was walking behind you and I was like, wow. Joe Rogan effect. I'm right behind you, though, because I was walking behind you, and I was like, wow, that's a huge set of nuts, man.

Yeah, Joe Rogan effect. I'm right behind you. No, no, I was behind you, and I was like, you were walking down like you own the place. Either way, in my head, I go, I'm badass because Billy's here. If Billy goes, hey, I'm catching a cab, I would have changed into some kind of, yeah. You could have thrown that jacket on a roof. Yeah, closest roof. I'm throwing on a Misfits t-shirt.

I'm throwing that jacket on a roof. Close this roof. I'm throwing on a Misfits t-shirt. Pulling a stocking cap down. Lighting incense. My fake dreads. All right, it's time to pause to piss. This might be a four episode.

It might be a two episode. I don't know. I don't know your patience level. But either way, we have to piss and refresh our cocktails. This is Doug Stano between 7 and 14 cocktails in, along with the Alaska crowd. All right. And that was part two of the Alaska podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. As always, I am sponsored by me.

So go buy tickets to my show or buy a DVD or a CD or go get a download at iTunes. Doug Stanhope. Google it. Stay tuned for three on the Doug Stanhope podcast. Play the mattoid. Play the Matoid. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live in Anchorage, Alaska, in Matt Becker's backyard bus.

Intro music by Miska Shubali, Party Time by the Matoid, both available on iTunes. This episode featured Doug Stanhope, Matt Becker, Graham Powell, Billy Vann, and Greg Shaley. Engineered by me, Shaley. If you like the podcast, take a moment to rate it on iTunes. It really helps us out. Stay tuned for Alaska Stories Part 3 out real soon. Really, thanks for listening.

Laugh your laughs and eat your eats. It's party time. Smile your smiles and do your blues. It's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time.

Everybody! Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Grab your craps and fuck your fucks fuck, six party time, here we go Party time, yeah Party time Party time, yeah Party time, party time, party time, party time Party time, party time, party time, party

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