The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #007: Pillow Talk with Bingo's sister Bongo

Episode Date: July 18, 2013

Doug crawls under the covers with Bingo's sister Bongo.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope. This podcast was so far the favorite that we've taped, and it's with Bingo's sister, my girlfriend's sister, huddled up in a king-size bed in a low-budget motel in Billings, Montana. And before you tune out thinking, it's a chick, it's not going to be good. It's pretty funny and riddled with poop. Poop's always funny.

Also, as always, Greg Chaley, my tour manager, and Chad Shank, my friend, are also in the room chiming in. Enjoy podcast number 735 of the Doug Stanhope Podcast with Bingo's sister. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight.

The only one drinking tonight. Good evening and welcome to another episode of The Pillow Talk podcast with Doug Stanhope. We're having to talk quietly because we're in a shitty motel in Montana where we're going to get noise complaints. Probably by the end of this show, we will have noise complaints. we will have noise complaints. But we are laying here in bed like John and Yoko with me and who? Not Bingo.

Bingo couldn't make this trip. So I have Bingo's sister in a king-size bed at the Dude Rancher Lodge in Billings, Montana. It's not really a shithole, but it's not the place you can be loud.

Kelly Bingaman, Bingo's sister who I torture Bingo by saying I'm going to fuck your sister all day and night. Drove out from her own personal dude ranch, the oil fields of North Dakota where she's just raping them for money.

Hi Kelly. Hi Doug. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Do you want to start out talking about your labioplasty, or should we save that for another podcast? We can save that for another podcast. It might have never happened.

We can do that for the Christmas special. Perfect. We'll do a Bingaman Christmas family podcast. That would be fantastic. With Brooke and Grandma and Mom, Pa. That would be a funny podcast. That'll be perfect. So you work up in the oil fields in North Dakota.

Correct. And you get roped into that who knows how. It's probably a boring story. Yes. You used to do other dumb shit like you you taught people how to eat food or something eating disorders yes yeah she she was a food coach like she just watched someone eat dinner and then tell them how they did it wrong if they had an eating disorder like if you can't find a scam in america a job. You're just not thinking.

You're an asshole. I try to find work. Well, you're not thinking. It's not all about applying for jobs. Kelly's not even bright, and she teaches people how to chew for a living as a spare gig. But then somehow, through a friend, you got roped into getting up with the Roughnecks. Yes. We visited you there last year, and it's a horrible place. It's just all testosterone.

It's like a UFC crowd of a town, all just angry dudes with boners and road rage and nothing. They make a lot of money, but there's nothing to spend it on, and they just want to fight. I was afraid. We were drinking at a holiday inn lounge lounge and i was afraid to be there everyone just reeking pissed off but you uh you do what do you what do you call that human resources you get some it would be it'd be an office job but it's's in a trailer in a field of mud. Yes. My dogs liked it. That's good.

Somebody liked it. I'm only roping you in for this story while we're sober enough to talk about it. But you recently got hired on there. You lived in some kind of dorm situation. I lived in the trailer park for about six months and now I'm in apartments. Leading up to the story that we're leading you into, tell me about what happened.

I had been working seven days a week, a little stressed out. I was just having a night out with my boys. That's all there is is boys. There's boys everywhere. It's just guys everywhere so I was just having a night out with my guy co-workers and we're drinking of course

and normally I just drink well first of all not in the note of course is wrong I get up to give a little bit of backstory Kelly is not like bingo at all Kelly is the the the innocent one she's even in her 30s. You feel bad saying swear words and she blushes and she's like, what are drugs like? I've never done those. And she's very innocent. So when she's out drinking with the boys, you're stunned to hear that. That means, oh, I had a hot toddy and then I got flush and I went to bed.

Yeah, no, I hardly ever drink and I will probably get hungover like once a year. So, yeah, I don't drink very often. So you're drinking with the boss. So I'm drinking, yeah, I'm drinking with my coworkers. I'm stressed out, and I'm having a good time, and so I just, and I'm drinking whiskey, Crown Royal, which I normally don't drink. So, you know, hanging out with the guys, we're laughing, telling stories, and I just keep drinking. And then I take shots right before going to bed.

Is not one of these guys your superior? Oh, most of them are. So you're drinking kind of under duress in a way. Like, oh, they're the bosses, so I have to. I'll have one more if you're having one more. If they're telling me to take shots, I take shots. So I am drinking away. And I remember going to my apartment with my coworker.

I remember walking down the hallway, unlocking the apartment. Give them a name. Make one up. Eric. All right. Eric. So Eric and I are walking down the hallway, unlocking the apartment. Give them a name. Make one up. Eric. All right. Eric. So Eric and I are walking to the apartment. And I remember unlocking the door.

And then after unlocking the door, I only remember one thing until I wake up in the morning. And I've never blacked out before ever in my life. So this was the first. Welcome to my world. So what was the first. Welcome to my world. So what was the last thing you remember? After unlocking the door to get into the apartment, the only thing that I remember before actually waking up in the morning was I remember I was in the fetal position in the bathroom,

puking and not moving from the floor, just sitting there and puking on the floor. So I remember that for a split second, and that's it. Like on tile? Oh, yeah. So it was just coming out of your mouth and pooling around your face? Yeah, I wasn't even moving my head at all. Wait until you get to the morning. Yeah.

No, yeah. You're sharing this the morning. Yeah. No, yeah. You're sharing this place. Yes, he is, yeah. With Eric. Yes, I'm sharing the apartment. A superior. Yeah, I'm sharing the apartment with Eric, a superior. And you just moved in, right?

Oh, yeah, just a few months before this night. This is like corporate or company housing, correct? Oh, correct, yeah. Yeah, so this is something. It's not like you put a deposit down and you can move out. Japanese internment camp in World War II. Yeah. Yeah, it's grim.

I saw it. Yeah, the company pays for the apartment. But it's company property is my point. Correct, correct. So you wake up with your superior as your roommate. Yes. And how'd that look? So, well, I wake up, up and again i've never blacked

out before i wake up in the bathroom in the fetal position and i have my shit in my underwear and on my pants and shit is dried up on my legs and my stomach and I look around and I've got my puke dried up around me and then there's shit on almost every single tile of the floor in the bathroom and it's not a small bathroom so i think i was flailing around like a fish in the bathroom because there was shit everywhere so i guess it was on you too oh it was everywhere yeah yeah i puke everywhere i've got shit everywhere i look in the toilet and i've got shit in the toilet and i've got shit smeared across the top of the toilet and i have a bump on my head so i could tell that i was shitting on the toilet and then i fell off of the toilet and hit my head on the bathroom tub

perfectly normal yes perfectly normal into your own vomit hit my head on the bathroom tub. Perfectly normal. Yes, perfectly normal. Into your own vomit. Into my vomit on the floor. And so I had a bump on my head, and I bruised the side of my leg from falling off of the toilet. And then I finally stand up, and I look in the mirror, because I'm like, what the fuck just happened? And I look in the mirror, I'm like what the fuck just happened and I look in the mirror and I've got shit dried up on my face and in my hair your feces yeah not like like a

bunch of shits in my hair oh no feces fecal matter it is dried up on my face and in my hair. And it's all over the floor and it's all over my body. But no one found you. No, thank God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. How can no one find a shit storm in the same

mobile home? Who wakes up? They were gone for work. They had left for work when you woke up. Eric actually got up and left for work. And thank God he didn't check on me because he would have seen me with my pants down to my knees and shit everywhere. Who gets up and goes to work in the morning without going into the bathroom? Or brushing your teeth.

That's what I think. I think he saw her and she's so adorable and sweet. He goes, I'll pretend I never saw that. He's got his own bathroom so he didn't have to come into my bathroom. Because he has the master bedroom. You think maybe he'd be like, what's that smell? So now you're covered in shit and vomit from head to toe and in your hair. And now you have to go to work.

Yes. Well, I was supposed to go to work that day. It didn't quite happen. I got in the shower. Well, after scrubbing the floor with a towel because my shit was everywhere. Eric's towel. Eric's towel. That's how she works.

She has shit in her face and hair, but she's going to get the grout work first because she cares about everyone. So I scrubbed the floor, and then I finally get myself in the shower, but I think I was in the shower for over an hour because I was in so much pain, and I sat in the tub, over an hour because I was in so much pain. And I sat in the tub and the water would get cold and then I would turn the water on.

So I wouldn't be cold. But I just stayed in there for over an hour because it was too hard to get out of the tub. Well, you didn't want to touch that floor. Exactly. Your feet were finally clean. of the tub. You didn't want to touch that floor. Exactly. Your feet were finally clean. My feet were clean and I didn't want to get on that floor. So I finally got out of the bathtub and I just laid on my bed all day

and I couldn't move at all. Any repercussions from work? No. I lucked out this time. I think they love me too much. I've been with, actually, Greg Chaley here was with me one morning when I thought it was funny to fart along to the

tune of My Prerogative by Bobby Brown. It's my prerogative. I can do what I want to do. And I've tried to do one number too far and I golden spicy brown mustarded my underpants.

I remember they were gray boxer briefs. Yeah, they were not S my underpants. I remember they were gray boxer briefs. Yeah. They were not Saks underpants. Those were just basic Hanes, boring. I would never shit a pair of Saks underpants. So, yeah, I've shit my pants, but I've never shit my face and hair.

And all over the bathroom floor. It was everywhere. I all over the bathroom floor. It was everywhere. I shit on a bathroom floor on purpose. But I've never shit my face. You are literally shit-faced. Yeah. And that's a beautiful story. And shit-faced and vomit-chinned. This is Doug Stanhope, and remember, anytime we're on the road,

our podcast is sponsored by the Gideon's Bible, which we steal out of our hotels and sell to you at the merch booth. And with that poop story out of the way, we kept her talking about her recent labiaplasty as we plied her with alcohol. So you had a labiaplasty? Correct. Your sister Bingo has a renowned vagina? Common knowledge.

It's not a secret. It's a hangy catcher's mitt. If's a hangy catcher's mitt. If you gutted a catcher's mitt, or maybe if the catcher mitt was made out of cow skin that hadn't been tanned. It was fresh from the cow. All wrinkly. Yeah. Yeah, like it hasn't been tanned, like it hasn't been stretched.

Yeah. Yours wasn't nearly as drapey as bingo's, was it? No, no, it wasn't to that extreme. But you still went to the extreme of getting it snipped off. Correct. Yep. And was that for reasons of, what do you say, was it irritating to have? Like I have hangy balls and they stick to my legs and that's like a problem. And I get anal toe and all this stuff.

It wasn't irritating. The only thing that was irritating was bike riding and it was very uncomfortable. So was it more vanity? Like, Oh yeah, it was vanity. Yeah. Cause no one never seen who sees your vagina.

Well, everyone sees bingo's vagina and she doesn't. Yeah. A few, Everyone sees Bingo's vagina. Yeah. And she doesn't, yeah. A few, few people have seen my vagina. All right. I guess that would make you more vain if you're going to make it a special surprise and you don't want someone to go, Ugh, I waited this long for what? Yeah. So Bingo is now following suit and she's going in to get the consultation to get her labiaplasty

which is gonna take a team of doctors it's like the thousand pound tumor on discovery health so can I ask a question about the procedure yes I mean I've seen some things on on TV where like they'll someone's getting a nose job or a chin job and they'll take a like a sharpie and like make little dot marks is it like like in the stirrup and he goes we're gonna stitch here sharpie marks around your exactly did you bring in pictures from like hustler magazine of the just like a haircut where you go i want this vagina can you do that no they didn't do any sharpie marks can you give me the phoebe from friends i mean he didn't just go like all right we're gonna like just hack this right here i mean it's not like trimming a bush right no she my doctor when she

came in yeah she because i went to my regular gynecologist and she is also a surgeon but she pretty much before surgery she just told me that i don't know how to explain this the right way but at the front of your labia there's a lot of blood cells so she wouldn't be able to cut off as much there but after that she can cut off more but she didn't make any markings before i went under wait so you mean it's like a facelift where you cut in the middle of the labia and they pull it back or something kind of yeah i mean you can tell where she cut in mean it's like a facelift where you cut in the middle of the labia and they pull it back or something? Kind of, yeah. I mean, you can tell where she cut in.

So it's the same outer lip. Yeah, it's the outer lip, and yeah, she has to start at a certain point. She can't start at the very beginning of it. I think what you meant was there's more nerve endings. Correct. Yeah, it's more vascular in the front. It's like if you had your dick reduced,

but they take it out from the middle and bring it down. As she moves back to the perineum, which is that spot between the two holes, I think you could cut more back there. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

You can't take off as much from the front, but you can definitely cut off more from the back. Wait, the back is towards the asshole? Yes. The perineum is that area in between. Oh, I know the perineum. Jeeps. What do you think? The taint.

If you will. It's the separation between church and state, is what I used to call it. Held together with a very thin episiotomy. Very weakly sewn. Was it painful? Like the recovery? No, it wasn't

painful. It was just uncomfortable because you obviously were cut up in your crotch and you had stitches down there. In the beginning, you have to ice that area. Bag of peas? Frozen peas? No, I had ice packs. And then it was just uncomfortable walking around.

You're kind of bow-legged. It was more so for you because at that time, you had a job where you had to slide down banisters for a living. Yeah, I know. Which is, you can't call in sick because who else is going to do it? Sure. I used to do the pole dancing for fun, but anywho. No, when I actually went back to my job.

Take that 20. That's the pizza man. Uh-oh. Hey, the pizza delivery man is here. Do you want to show him your newly- Well, let's get his opinion. If it was money well spent. Okay.

So, the recovery period, how long was it from the time you actually went under the knife until you sat on someone's face? Oh, a few months. It had been a few months, yeah. Alright, how long

would it have been until you could have probably I was kind of cutting it close who's the first person you showed it to probably actually I think it was Bingo that actually saw it well no no no wait I take that back

after surgery one of my good friends in St. Louis she's a nurse Cindy so she saw it right after I had it done and my ex No, wait, I take that back. After surgery, one of my good friends in St. Louis, she's a nurse, Cindy, so she saw it right after I had it done, and my ex-girlfriend, because she brought me home. Did they recoil? Did anyone go, ooh? No.

Well, no, my ex-girlfriend, because she doesn't like blood. She doesn't like doing the nurse duty, so that was not good for her. Because when you get that procedure done, is it like when a gal gets a boob job that she just can't wait to show? And like in the bar, like lifting up the top and going, no, no, it's cool. Everyone sees them. That's why I got them.

I wasn't dropping my pants to everyone and showing them what I had. Bingo, Will. Yeah. Everyone will see this. If you just stood up and then pulled your pants down, would you be able to even notice? Or is it something like you'd have to really get a knee up to your ear or something?

I don't know. Obviously, I know a difference. But from a guy's point of view, I don't know if they could tell that I had surgery or not, which is a good question. Yeah, I think her, dude, she was cool and everything. She's funny. She's good in bed.

But I think she had a fake vagina. That vagina just seemed like it was a fake vagina. It was just cool, you know. No, I'm curious because I've slept... No, I'm curious because I've slept with a couple guys since the surgery,

so I don't know if they notice anything different. Well, yeah, not all of them are alive, but that's for the next podcast. True that. True that, she just said. She didn't even say true dad. Is there a rippling sound when you have intercourse? Like running your fingers along the teeth of a comb? No.

Where the zipper mark was? I don't have that. I'm sorry. Can they shorten the bottom of your vagina? So like a guy with a small penis, it feels like he's hitting home. I don't know. See, I'd go, hey, keep all the labia. Just shorten the depth. I don't know if they could do

that. Maybe they could just take the labia and tighten a knot, like a double half hitch. That's not coming undone. No way. Fill it with cement like on Property Wars. Fill it with cement like on Property Wars. Chad's jokes are wasted

because we didn't have a fourth mic for him. Should we wrap up Pillow Talk? We can get back to it. I'm just the fucking pizzas here. I want to eat the pizza. It's going to get cold. Go ahead and eat pizza. All right, let's eat some pizza.

You just stay put. This episode of Pillow Talk podcast brought to you by pizza. Okay, so there wasn't enough poop in this for you stay tuned because we keep talking hey remember this podcast is always sponsored by me go to doug stanhope.com and buy some of my shit thanks and now back to poop stories. And now another installment of the pillow talk podcast, whispering from a giant bed in a old school hotel, let's say, in Billings, Montana, trying not to get noise complaints,

cuddled up with Bingo's sister in bed. Kelly. Yes. At one point, you used to be a rugby player. Yes. At one point, you used to be a rugby player. Yes. How did that come about? Did the lesbianism cause the rugby? Or did the rugby cause the clam digging?

Maybe the rugby caused the clam digging. Were you in a scrum before you were in a scrum? I was in a scrum many times before I was hanging out with the ladies. All right. Really? You played the actual game before you ever had sex with a woman? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Years. A. Years. A few years. Did you get into rugby just trying to meet chicks? You were living in St. Louis? Nope. Nope. I got into rugby in college. Wait, you got into homosexuality after college?

I was 26, I think, 25 or 26. It was way after college. And you never had sex with any kind of species? I had sex a couple of times with guys. But really, literally just a couple of times. How'd that happen? With the guys. Were you drinking vodka sodas in a run-down motel?

I was probably. With four dudes doing a podcast. Probably drinking a little bit. Yeah. But you knew you were a queer or you thought you were a queer? I didn't know. I had no clue about the whole queer thing until I was 25 or 26. I had no clue at all.

So you were nose deep in it? Exactly. until I was 25 or 26. I had no clue at all. So you were nose deep in it? Yeah, exactly. So you were never really a sexual person at all? Oh, no, no. Yeah, I mean, I had crushes on guys, but I was not a sexual person. But like Justin Bieber-like crushes where you go, ooh, oh, he's so cute. I love to watch him dance. Yeah, just the simple stuff.

So I didn't actually have sex until right before I was 21. So I was older than the average person. So then you get into rugby and these people influence you. That's why we don't have the gays and the Boy Scouts. I

was influenced by a rugby player by a specific person on our team. Forced it upon you. No. I actually kind of initiated the whole deal.

Wow. Yeah. Crazy. So what happened? A story in a nutshell. After Wednesday practice, we kind of always went to a certain bar and had a few drinks after you showered there's a listening audience at home they want to hear about lesbian sex but they don't want to hear about it like fresh off fresh out of a rugby scrum and then right into you know oh there's mud on my face. This time it's really mud.

Yes, that's what happened, exactly. So you're having drinks. So we're having drinks at this bar, and I remember this one girl specifically, she kind of turned her head and smiled, and I'm thinking to myself, oh, my God, she's fucking hot. This is the one that looked like John Elway that I met. Yeah, this is Dream.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The cute boyish look. Yeah. So, yeah. No, I thought she was cute. And for like two weeks, I didn't tell anybody.

And I thought, oh, this is a phase that will go away because this was totally new to me and never went away. So I had a huge crush. We ended up dating. Dating? Mm-hmm. We were together for like 10 months. So. No, it starts out how?

It started out she needed a date for a celebration of someone's wedding. And so she asked, well, she was asking people in general. And then she specifically asked me to go with her. So I agreed. And so that was, yeah, that night was the first time that we kissed. First time I kissed a girl. And then we were together since i got a question yes like that night that you uh that you saw her looking at you uh-huh did you know that she was she was

gay oh no yeah oh yeah no you knew this girl was gay i told you she looked like john elway she's no there's no chisel chin like Yes. Okay. No, she was a dude. Yeah, yeah. She was definitely a dude. Oh, yeah. The short, choppy hair, the cute, boyish look. Yeah, she was definitely... Not a cute, boyish look.

It was a dude-ish look. If you're into girls, why aren't you into a girly look? See, I'm not into the real feminine look at all. I don't want that, the lipstick girlfriend. I always like the cute boyish, short, choppy hair. I don't like butch, but I like the cute boyish look. So I wanted someone, you know, masculine. But yeah, I didn't like the...

Because I'm not a girly girl, but I'm more feminine compared to others in the lesbian world. Alright, so that lasted 10 months and then there was a couple other girls. Yes. Then you moved to North Dakota to the oil fields

where there aren't any women whatsoever and all of a sudden the opportunism the capitalist in you said, oh I'm going to start fucking dudes after, what, eight years or something? It had been eight years since I had sex with a guy. Eight years of queer. Yeah.

Then one night when there's not vomit and shit in your hair. But one night, you're with another co-worker. Mm-hmm. And, or was it a bartender? I don't remember. No. Well, no, it was my co-worker. Or was it a bartender? I don't remember. No, it was my co-worker. Alright, and you made the sex. He chucked sex up your pussy.

Yes, yeah. As you say. Yes. Hey, recently trimmed pussy. No, no, no. Wait, no, no, yeah. It was after the labiaplasty. What yeah, it was after the labiaplasty. What came first? No, the

labiaplasty, and I remember, because the first time I kissed my co-worker, he kissed me, I still had stitches in my crotch. Oh, no, he was kissing you on the mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, on the mouth. He kissed your vagina and went, ooh, something stuck me.

No, yeah, the first time we actually kissed just lips and uh i remember thinking to myself i have stitches in my crotch and he has no idea my lip ring is caught in your stitches so so uh and then you end up banging this guy. Yep. Yeah. I know these things because I have to listen to Bingo's versions of all your girl talk, which a lot of times you don't want to hear. Like, a lot of it wouldn't be as alarming if it came from, like, a sexy point of view. But when you're hearing repeated giggly girl talk, it's disconcerting. repeated giggly girl talk. It's disconcerting. And so you would text her,

and she'd text and tell me, oh, yeah, well, she fucked a guy, and now she's a little embarrassed because she didn't blow him because she doesn't really know how to do that. Correct. And then nights or weeks later, hey, I get a text from Kelly. She took it in the ass from this dude, but she still won't blow him because she doesn't really know how to do that. She feels silly.

She feels silly. Correct. I just I don't know how to give a good blowjob I've barely even done anything Neither do I On a couple of guys So yeah But you did take it in the ass I

It was a surprise And yes I took it in the ass A surprise to who? It was a surprise to me I didn't know that was happening that night So I took it up the ass It wasn't a slip A surprise to who? It was a surprise to me. I didn't know that was happening that night. So I took it up the ass. It wasn't a slip.

It wasn't an oops. It was like... Had you known, how would you have prepared? I honestly... She would have prepared by getting an aneoplasty. Let me put it in your ass. You already are. Let me put it in your ass. You already are.

So, yeah, he jammed it in your shitter. Yeah, he did. And you were probably in love at that point. And then he went on vacation after boning you in two out of three of the most popular holes in a woman. And he went back to see his folks in Alaska. No, he doesn't. No, no, he doesn't live in Alaska. This is a different guy that lives in. Oh, the first guy isn't the dead one?

The first guy is the dead one that lives in Alaska. But the guy that fucked me in the ass is from Minnesota. Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I'm getting the ass fucking. My timeline is confused. You took it in the ass after you killed a man. Yeah.

As some sort of penance. Let me back up. So the guy that you didn't blow, another guy you didn't blow, goes back. This first guy you've had sex with in eight years goes back to Alaska to visit where he's from. Yes. Gets chucked out of a bar for being drunk. They put him in a cab.

Don't give him his keys. Yeah. What happens? Pretty much he is in the cab and the driver took him to his plane because he sweet talked him and he was taken to his plane after the bar. This is not Joe Francis' plane. This is Alaska Puddle Jumper Cessna plane. Like a prop.

Yeah. Cessna. Prop plane. Yeah. So he took him to the airport. Yeah. So the taxi driver took my friend that was drunk to the airport.

And my friend said he was going to just sleep it off and take off in the morning. But he got in his plane and he started up his plane before the taxi driver took off and pretty much he flew over the cook inlet so this is out of lake hood um the anchorage so so don't know okay if i'm saying that right oh so he made it all the way to Cook Inlet. Oh, yeah, because they went down to Sedona for a hockey game and hanging out. He made it a distance. Yeah.

But not the full distance. No. No, not the full distance. He did what? He crashed. He crashed. His plane has not been found, but going through radar information from the military his plane never made it anywhere

just dropped off in the middle of cooking oh i thought they did find it no no no they haven't found his plane any pieces from it they're hoping pieces come up but they haven't found anything i thought he was confirmed dead no not confirmed at all because uh when you told us this and when it was obvious they weren't going to find him or he was dead i i remember calling you and saying that they found the plane and uh inside it scrawled in a bloody bloody hand was you should have blown me. It didn't happen. Yeah. I like to be comforting.

Yes, you do like to be comforting. I don't hate to be the one who brings up bad stuff like this, but now that I know that he's not dead, maybe you ever think that you're as bad at regular sex as you think you are at blowjobs? And he's just hiding out? He might be hiding out from the whole situation. You gotta get out of this shit.

Maybe he switched to dicks. You never know. If that's what pussy's all about. I'm gonna go zip off into the Aleutians and suck some cock. Cock. Like some cock. C-c-cock. Alright, so who's this guy fucking you in the ass

all the time? A different co-worker. A different co-worker. Everybody that listens to this podcast is going to be putting applications where you've worked. Fucking co-workers.

I should have been. It's a company town. They all work at the mill, so to speak. Like a fringe benefit. So he tosses his nuts up your keister. And is he above you or below you in status at the job? Or equal different apples and oranges? It's kind of apples and oranges,

but it's kind of, he might be below me just a tad bit. Not after he fucked you in the ass. No one's below you after they fucked you in the ass. He certainly has the upper hand yeah yeah he's not a guy that comes in and says uh hey i need uh i need uh friday saturday off because my in-laws are coming to town and you go uh really we can't afford to uh have anyone uh take that time off i've fucked your ass. Well, I still, but no, I fucked your ass. Okay, well just this one weekend you can have off.

Was it awkward to be around him afterwards? No, because we were always good from the get-go of acting like nothing was happening between us. So even after he fucked me in the ass, we still acted like quote unquote normal people in the office.

But it wasn't a serious thing. No, no like emotional connection. I was hoping something would happen in the beginning, but then it just was, it was pretty much friends with benefits. And I got a little benefit one night. Every time I shit blood I think of you. She leaves notes

on his desk. I had an irritable bowel I thought of you. Call me. Remember Tuck's medicated pads? They make me think of you. Every time I smell witch hazel, I get aroused. What is witch hazel actually for?

I don't even know. It's an astringent. I don't know what an astringent is. Charlie's just fucking cock-blocking my intellect left and right with witch hazel and astringent references. And I'm trying to do straight-up buttfuck humor in the middle of the night. It's because he doesn't have anything else to read in there, so he just reads his Preparation H package pads. needs his Preparation H package pads. Chaley leaves these

Preparation H wipes on the back of the toilet at every hotel we stay in. I'm like, are you just trying to tell me passive-aggressively that I can't fuck your ass because you're lumpy right now?

It's working. I'll be honest with you. And Brad Erickson will back me up on this. Well, I don't know if I should say it that way. After the first run we did with... Pillow Talk podcast might be my favorite podcast we've done, even with the chick talking. So the first run we did uh

three weeks we were on the road actually it's four weeks because we had some time off it was the carlos valencia and junior stopka and we were doing wait is this your ass fuck story no i'll get into it that we we ate a ton of fast food on that run. It was very unhealthy. There was a lot of drinking going on. And I had a hemorrhoid that felt like I was sitting on a golf ball for like six weeks after that run. It was fucking crazy. And I'm like looking on. I'm worried.

But I'm not saying shit. I don't have insurance. I'm not going to worry. I'm looking online. Nor do you have a supportive social circle that would do anything but mock you if you told us about it. Certainly. So I'm never saying anything to you guys. So I found out that what you got to do is, I mean, number one, more fiber, right?

I've got the psyllium husk. I mean, listen, colon health is very important, especially when you're getting older. That's why I want Kelly to root around in there and see if she finds anything askew. Well, having those wipes with the witch hazel, that's the key, helps keep things very nice and in order back there. Something a lady could benefit from as well. And it isn't an indication of a problem. It's keeping something at bay, especially on these runs

where we're doing nothing but eating really quick and always on the road. I had my first hemorrhoid that lasted more than a day or two. And I was there for a week and I got some preparation age but I fucking hid it in a bag in an old drawer

that no one would ever go through I'm helping you with this yeah yeah fiber let's all eat some fiber no you just take the fiber pills do you wipe yourself with a preparation pad every time

you finish up yeah so you I know I do. Do you wipe yourself with a preparation pad every time? You finish up. You finish up. Yeah, so you do your business. Sure. And then do you take a little bit of toilet paper or do you go straight for your pads? You go toilet paper? No, you got to go toilet paper. Then the wipe.

I mean, I'm no animal. I don't shit all over the floor. I don't know how you shit, but I shit where there's a lot of toilet paper involved. Sometimes you're constantly wiping and there's always a mark. There's a problem. Yes, there's a problem. Sometimes you need to get in there with a fucking window squeegee. Get both walls.

Yes. It's funny because I never see a squeegee on the back of the toilet tank. I flush it down. Break it up and flush it. Chad, how do you feel about poop? This podcast took a turn. I don't know what happened. Nothing wrong with a little information?

It's like I'm proud of Shaley. You were trying to make fun of him for having the Preparation H pad. It's like he kind of came out. It didn't help everybody all over that Preparation H pads are good for you. It was like a PSA. I thought it was nice. Yeah, or go, you know what? I'm sold, Shaley. This is what I'm saying. Stop buying corporate. Go was like a PSA. I thought it was nice. I'm sold.

That's what I'm saying. Stop buying corporate. Go to straight witch hazel. Grow it yourself. Organic homegrown witch hazel is what I shove up my ass. You can, but that's... For your daily witch hazel enemas. Do you know who runs the Preparation H company?

Procter & Gamble. Do you know what they also are involved in? Killing children in Syria. I might have gotten my facts mixed up on this. I grow my own witch hazel. I put it in my sphincter like snuff. And I write a new constitution.

That's how I close out my evenings. You have powdered witch hazel? We have a question, though. On your pads that you're wiping with, can you flush those, or do you have to put them in the trash can? They're just like any kind of... Oh, no, he washes them.

He's cheap as shit. Brings them down with our fucking road socks and does them at the laundry. They're hanging up. I've got little tiny clothespins. And it's crazy because it's like a spider web because I have to go back and forth and back and forth. But I do that in the shower stall.

And I use the little clothespins. I try to wring them out as much as possible. But the thing is, no matter how much you wring them out, And I use the little clothespins. I try to wring them out as much as possible. But the thing is, no matter how much you wring them out, you are going to have to soak them back in the witch hazel. So the key is to get them nice and dry, soak them in witch hazel, and then get out of the bathroom before it takes too long.

Because you don't want anyone knowing what's going on in there. It's a whole process. It's called taking care of yourself. No one else can do it for you. We're not getting any younger, I think is what Greg Chaley is trying to say. Oh, God. That's the truth. Any other weird

things you've put in your butt we need to know about? What happened to the guy from Minnesota? Now you're just co-workers now you're just co-workers. Yeah, we're just co-workers. We are friends with Benefits. He fucked me in the ass one night. Was that the last time? That was the last time

he used his dick to fuck me in the ass. Oh, so you have had weird things in your ass. Well, no. I mean, he just used his fingers. I mean, that's simple. Oh. Not like a hair brus mean, that's simple. Oh. So. All right.

Like a hairbrusher. Yeah. Yeah. Simple. Hurry up. Put something in there. Yeah. Well, maybe the first time he jammed you in the ass with his dick, he came across an errant log.

So now he's just probing around, sending his fingers in as a point man to make sure there's no foreign vessel in there. An advanced scout. He was checking things out. That's the chance you take if you surprise attack somebody. There's got to be some preparation involved. Maybe the first time he lost his class ring. He just keeps bugging you trying to

find a valuable... Was he using his ring finger? Maybe it would fit right back in? He'd come home? What was horrible with that night when he was just using his finger is that you could smell the shit in the air.

And that's the biggest turn off. What do you do after that? Nothing queers a sexual act like a strong poop smell. What do you do after that? You leave. No, I mean you leave town. You pack up your stuff and you jump in your car and you squeal out

of your muddy trailer park and you go back home to your mother. Yeah. It didn't end on a positive note. The last time that you were intimate with the man was in a green cloud of poop stink. Yes. And now you

still have to maintain a professional relationship. Yes, correct. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah. Nothing's happened sexual since the night. Oh, do you think it was because of the haze of anal? Oh, I have a... Did you just say the haze of anal?

It's like hung in the air. Yeah. That's a fucking great band name, Haze of Anal. Since the haze of anal, I have not had sex with him. It ruined it, right? It kind of did. That was a deal breaker.

It was kind of a deal breaker there. You know what gets rid of the smell of the haze of anal? What? Witch hazel. I need to try that now. There's haze right in the name. Pillow Talk Podcast. Now just a nice time talking about things that have been in my girlfriend's sister's butt and the like.

It's a really nice time. So to wrap this up, Kelly. Yes. At this time and place, going from a rugby scissor dyke to a hardcore oil field anal queen, do you consider yourself a gay or a straight? I guess bisexual, but right now more on the straight side. I still find... That's the answer we're looking for, because you are my girlfriend's sister, and she's not here.

And I'm gonna try to fuck you. Why? Because that's funny. It's funny to fuck your girlfriend's sister. Especially when your girlfriend is bingo. Where you can go home and go, haha, I fucked your sister. And she'll make that

pouty face and be all adorable and go, why do you fuck my sister? Bingo turned from a girlfriend into a retarded child that is your girlfriend. It makes you feel like the most twisted type of pedophile because she's childlike and retarded. That's very low-hanging fruit. Yeah, I know. And I'm happy with that.

Because you're lazy. Yeah. Set my goals low and superseded them by miles. You're basically kicking fruit into a basket. That's how low-hanging it is. Yeah.

Bingo and I play the that's you or thathanging it is. Bingo and I play the that's you or that's your girlfriend game. There's nothing better than, oh, but I fucked your sister. That game? My first girlfriend when I was 17 or 16,

she was a year or two older than me and already had two kids. I had to babysit those stupid kids and now they're all in their mid to late 20s and they're hot. And that would, like, fuck your girlfriend's sister is funny,

but the ultimate would be fuck your first girlfriend's kid. That would be funny too. Bingo and I don't have an open relationship per se, but we did once make a deal where if it's hilarious, I can fuck him. Not just like

if it's a clown. It has to be bit worthy. It has to be hilarious on stage. Sure. Yeah. Now we're going to ply you with alcohol even more. And, oh, have you tried these pills? Not too much alcohol.

We know what happens. It's Valium with just a hint of witch hazel. Have you evacuated recently? Have you evacuated recently? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for enjoying another podcast of Haze of Anal. The Haze of Anal podcast. If one of my fans does not start a band just so you can title it Haze of Anal, I'll be sadly disappointed.

And now we'll play you out with the Matoid. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live at the Dude Rancher Lodge in Billings, Montana. Intro music by Mishka Shubali. Party time by the Matoid, both available on iTunes. This episode featured Doug Stanhope, Bingo's sister Kelly, Chad Shank, and Greg Shaley, engineered by me, Shaley. If you like the podcast, take a moment to rate it on iTunes. It really helps us out.

Thanks for listening. It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats. It's party time. Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time

Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Yeah! Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Everybody! Crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time One more! Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam

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Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time!