The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #008: Nurse Betty visits the FunHouse

Episode Date: September 4, 2013

Doug sits down with Nurse Betty (a.k.a. Betty Lindstrom) and discusses the ups and downs of single motherhood.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Sweet Leaf. By Black Sabbath. Yeah, this actual viral coughing fit that I just made into Sweet Leaf. All right, here's this random cold opening to the Betty Lindstrom podcast, live from Bisbee. Mayor Betty, a.k.a. Nurse Betty, well, she was around for the whole mother finale on some level, and she's a sweet old woman, the Edith Bunker of Bisbee.

She was once called, but she has some fucking skeletons in her closet. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight?

Well, you're an old lady. You're not supposed to know mic control. I'm technologically challenged besides. You see, you're talking off mic. And now you slammed it on the floor like you're a fucking deaf comedy jam act leaving the stage. We're on. After a mediocre set that you thought was gold. We are recording, right?

Yeah. Okay. Hey, this is part two of part one of the Betty and Jason podcast. We're here in Bisbee, Arizona in the Funhouse, where last night we did a great hour and a half with Mayor Betty, who's

not the mayor. She did run for mayor. Our friend here and her son, Jason. And then someone knocked the fucking thing over and the SIM card or SD card fell out. Lost every minute

of a really fun podcast. But the fact that we drink means you know what? If we were just to talk about what we said, we couldn't even recreate it accurately so we can do it again. And it'll seem like brand new,

especially if we're drinking more. I smoked a lot of pot yesterday, so I think it'll be a whole new story. Weren't you smoking hash? Yeah, I think so. That's Chad Shank right there. You don't know Chad Shank unless you listen to the podcast,

but you'll know him eventually. He's got that voice, and he's funny. He has to be on podcasts. What else is he going to do? Better than the homeless guy who had the voice, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, the singing homeless guy. Yeah, where is he now? Smoking crack.

Singing. Singing. Remember me? Not really. Not with the news feed these days. There's a new singing homeless guy story every day. These old YouTube news. Yeah.

So we're here with Betty, who's a good friend. How did we meet? I was wondering that. I go, I should set this up with I don't remember how we met. I think it's when you came to town with Judge Lee and you were playing cards and I was managing the stock bar at that time.

I remember you managing the stock but I knew you. I didn't meet you there. I don't know. I'm the old one. You're fucking 66 years old. I'm old. I don't remember. You're young. Let me explain Nurse Betty, Mayor Betty, Betty, just for the people who don't.

Russ Dunn used to call you the Edith Bunker of Bisbee, which was so accurate, but a lot of my crowd probably doesn't even know the reference. That's my phone. See how you go. I'm going to remember to shut my phone off this time. Well, I didn't. Take it, Derek, and take it outside. Otherwise, fuck them.

Betty White would be a good analogy. Do you have an analogy to tell people? Betty White works. Not an industry. June Cleaver. Not an industry. June Cleaver. Not so much.

Yeah. She's a sweet 66 year old vivacious woman. Full of panache and fear. And but you've been with me through some hardcore stories. You were a de facto caretaker for mother when the

doctors, when Bingo just had her labiaplasty. Well, she's going to have a catheter. And what that means, I go, yeah, yeah, we got someone to change the Foley bag. Oh, you know what a Foley bag is? Yeah, because Nurse Betty taught me what she had to change mothers. Change mothers shitting into a bedpan and bitching about Betty.

My mother was fucking awful to people towards the end. So, yeah, so she's been around. She ran for mayor. Henry Phillips was actually playing. Henry Phillips played on my second CD. He just played background acoustic guitar on that. And he played on your float. Oh, yeah, that's right.

When you were running for mayor. And you were doing stand-up. We had the only cool float, right? You had a cool float. Everybody else was red, white, and blue. You had a cool float, right? Everybody else was red, white, and blue, and we had purple, orange, and green with almost half-naked pirates all over it.

And you didn't win the election. I know. Isn't that a shock? How can you have a float like that? Seems like a lock in Bisbee. No, the good part of Bisbee doesn't vote. That's true. My people, most of them were either felons or they were drunk and forgot or they were too young.

Those were my constituents. So we'll get into it and we'll obviously go off track because it's you. Betty, again, if you think Bettyty white edith bunker sweetest nicest person that'll come over and change your mother's foley bag as she's dying in your living room and not is there anything i can do to help can i bring a casserole cut back tonight this is how i set up this story was I went to a barbecue at your house one summer years ago, and you pointed out some very elderly 90 year old woman that I thought might be your mother and said, oh, you haven't met. What's her name? Tina. Tina. You haven't met Tina?

She's the one that showed me the ropes in prison. What? This is, I've fallen and I can't get up, lady. Again, all my fucking references are so dated, but that, oh,

she's so, so we start with Betty was married to, well, a doctor at one time. Yeah. Yeah. At that, at that time,

the father of my children, the story. Yeah. Well, he had already moved out when I met you. Yeah. I was on my own when I met you. Yeah, no, but you were on your own.

This is back in the 80s. Yeah, I think he moved out in 81. You became a single mother very quickly. Yeah, we moved to Bisbee, and very shortly after that, I was a single mom. I realize I start doing fucking radio voice when I'm interviewing. I'm just learning podcasting. But you, at one point in the 80s, am I right? I'm fucking not even talking.

You're Geraldo-ish. Yeah, I'll grow into this shit. But yeah, so you divorced, and you had three kids. Three kids, yep. And you had a sprawling estate, which you still have. Somehow you maintain. Well, a lot of land. I'm a dirt baron.

I'm a dirt baron. Yeah, the dirt. When I met you, we had moved into a new house that my parents had helped build. But when I was raising my kids, I lived in a house that was built in 1888. And it had mud adobe walls. But when this story starts... That's where I lived. Yeah, it was 177,000 acres.

3,500,000, yeah. But it's literally on the Mexican border. It's right on the Mexican border. In Bisbee, we're about seven miles away. You live, your acreage goes right to... Yeah, my back patio, you can see that hideous wall that everybody talks about. Yeah.

Did you ever try to get them to spruce it up? I don't want them to do that. Because that makes it look nice and it's a hideous thing. I don't want a hideous thing to look nice. I don't want to camouflage it. It's a hideous thing. All right, so it's mid-80s. You're a newly divorced woman.

No wall. Still the same feeb. Is that the right word? That's actually something that we did yesterday during the podcast was offer some context. Because obviously today the way people see the drug war is completely different. When we were growing up out in Bisbee Junction, the border fence was a broken down barbed wire fence. Me and my friends at 13 years old

would hike out in the desert and commonly cross the border. It just didn't matter. It wasn't a big deal. You'd ride your horses and you'd go across the border. There was no border. Our horses, we'd just let them loose in the morning and they'd go off and eat grass wherever they could find it,

and oftentimes they'd be in Mexico. At the end of the day, we'd call them in. It's just like when I walk my dogs in the desert out here. There's trails. You don't know whose fucking land it is. This might be BLM land, and if you take a right at the tree, you might be on Joe Nickerson's cow feeding property. You don't know. It was the

same. So yeah, Mexico was respected, you know, and, and also, you know, you have to consider in the early 80s, that's when the drug war was really heating up. I read a poll somewhere that said, you know, in the early 80s, that only about three to 4% of the public even thought drugs were an important issue. At least one of the number one things we should be concerned about as a nation, whereas in 89, that number went up over 60%. So, I mean, a lot happened from the time when she first got involved. It's weird because that's about the same arc of when drugs get way shittier. Like, yeah, the acid that you'd get in the late 80s was not the hunter s thompson

seeing your dead grandmother crawl up your leg with a dagger in her mouth you just saw something breathe we're gonna stop this maybe now that's the reason people are so concerned. These drugs are getting so shitty and watered down. This should be a number one. So, so, you were living out there, you get divorced. One day, you found a couple of bales of marijuana,

which was a common occurrence. Well, I used to find them and turn them into the border patrol. And I'd say, why not call the border? Oh, I got some dope on my property. They're coming. And you've got to remember, too, now it's a military zone out there. Now there's like 750 BP stationed

in Naco. Back then, there were 10. 10 agents. For like a 100-mile radius. Yeah, 10 agents. Now there's hundreds. But you would do the right thing, because you're Betty. Who cared? I think I should call the – you're the person that would – But who cared? You know, call them.

Someone who lived at your place 10 years ago gets a piece of mail. You'd track them down and deliver it to them in Pennsylvania. That's how Betty is. All right. So, you know, then now I'm – but now I'm a single mom. And the ex-husband was, he's a doctor, so he was very good about paying bills, but I never had any official alimony.

He just paid the bills, but I had to ask him for things. Anything you needed, you had to knock on the door. Yeah, do we want to go on a little ski trip with my kids and their friends? I've got to ask him for money, and he will evaluate it, whether he thinks it's worthwhile or not. Yeah, that's what I do with bingo. And we're not even divorced. So I thought, you know, well, wait a minute.

You know, if you have some of this, why not think about a better use for it than just turning it into a boyfriend show? So you found two bales. I found two bales, about 40 pounds each. They were backpacks. Yeah. They were backpacks. Yeah, they were backpacks. For those people who don't live on the border.

A backpack full of weed is still a good amount of weed to anyone who smokes weed. I don't. It was on metal frames, and it was tied up with garbage bags and rope. I was riding my horse one day, and I came across two of these backpacks in the wash. And a cartoon light bulb went off over your head. I saw it. Yeah. And I thought, well, wait a minute, maybe I shouldn't be so quick to call the border patrol, you know, but I wasn't sure what to do with it. So what I did do with it is I hid it. I hid it in the bushes because I was afraid to take, take it home.

Cause maybe there was some bad guy with a pair of binoculars watching it. So I didn't want to just take it home and expose my children to all these people. Yeah, with bandanas and submachine guns, as you assumed. So I just hid it, and I didn't want them tracking me home, it and i didn't want them tracking me home so i had to get some mexican broom which is a plant that grows around here i brushed out the tracks in the wash i got back on my horse and we rode home it was a mesquite tree i remember yeah i hid it under a mesquite well the wash has debris yeah has this really high walls this our wash has about, there's one place where it's about a 10-foot wall. And so I hauled it up there.

I put it in a hole kind of under a mesquite tree, covered it with debris, brushed out my tracks, and rode on home on the horse. Covered her tracks from the drug cartel kingpins that are... Desert cloak and dagger? I didn't know. Two backpacks, my friend. How do you lose two backpacks full of weed? We must go on

a big excursion to find this. Get our finest tracker. So Betty's out there dusting off her tracks and walking backwards in her flip flops away from the scene of the crime I did have flip flops on did I tell you that or did you just make that up now I did have flip flops on

I just made that up well I think I made it up yesterday in the lost footage I had flip flops on you always wear flip flops are you wearing flip flops right now riding a horse with shorts on and flip-flops. That was my style. So I go back to...

What a catch. So I go... I can't believe you didn't have a stepdad immediately. Who's that broad on the fucking Daisy Dukes? On Old Yeller. Well, that's not a horse. That's not a horse whatsoever. It's a dog.

Well, let's just say you rode a dog, so I don't look like an asshole right now. So you came back, and then you sold the weed immediately. No, I didn't. No, because I was afraid to. I didn't know what to do with it. So what I did is I got on the roof of my house, and I had binoculars, and I was watching the spot where the weed was hidden. And I did this.

Waiting for those two brothers from Breaking Bad to show up. Now, the kids never knew what I was doing because I only went up there when they were in school or at their friends' houses. I never got up on the roof otherwise. So I got up on the roof, and I I got up on the roof and I watched it. And lo and behold, nobody came. For weeks.

Two weeks at least, two weeks later. So what I did, and backing up, I know you heard this yesterday, but we live on open range. And that means you have to fence cows out. And my fences were always down, so the cows were always in. The fucking fence to Mexico was down. Of course your fence is down. But it wasn't just cows. It was Brahman bulls

owned by the then county attorney is who owned these Brahman bulls. Okay, and he didn't care. And they'd break in. So, you know, we're used to seeing them around. And they get in and they eat the flowers and they eat the trees. Well, I didn't know they were potheads, too.

So I go back to find the weed. Whiveringly retrieve your two backpacks full of weed. And I get there, and there's footprints and broken branches and bits of plastic that probably really gave them indigestion too because they ate the plastic. And the backpack frames were broken and there wasn't any weed around. The cows ate it. They ate all my stash. At this point, your soul is all in. You're a fucking, in your head, you're a big time drug dealer.

Well. And you blew your first deal. Yeah, and I got to go back a little bit, too. What was I going to do with this? Well, I wasn't really sure, but my brother, who was a dentist in Paradise Valley, dentist to the stars, Dick Van Dyke, Nancy Reagan, all his patients, I knew that he also sold drugs. And so I was thinking in the back of my head,

well, if I could just get some more of this stuff and get it up to Scottsdale, I've got it made. Nancy Reagan and Dick Van Dyke have never been mentioned as stars as the only two in a Senate. Can you hear that? In Scottsdale. Leave ambient noise in there.

There's a fucking party going on outside. Don't worry about shutting the doors. This is Stanhope's house. Yeah. So then? Well, now I kind of had a goal now to find more of this. You have a connection here where you can sell this shit through. Well, I knew that. And I had approached him on it.

And he said, well, if you ever get some more, let me know. You know, I know people. And so what I did, and you have to realize, too, that the border patrolman would often stop in at my house for coffee late at night. Betty's an insomniac, and she was renowned for sleeping four hours a night. She'd be up all night. And where she lives, there's her cows and Border Patrol. So they knew she was up and she's the friendliest lady in the world.

So they'd stop over for apple pie and coffee because we don't have Dunkin Donuts. Shut those fucking dogs up. Doug loves his dogs. You don't really have to do that. To add more context, my best friend's father was a Border Patrol agent. And he had a guy living next door to him that was

his best friend. Also a Border Patrol agent. You can talk with this hand. Do like this and gesticulate or gesture. So there were a lot of people in my mother's social circle that were Border Patrol agents. And they knew she was out there in the middle of nowhere by herself. Hello now. And they also knew that she was an insomniac and would have coffee going at all hours.

And we don't know what else they knew about it. But that's not really the point of the story. Okay. So they would stop in. And we don't know what else they knew about it, but that's not really the point of the story. Okay. So they would stop in and we'd be sitting in the kitchen. Kids are asleep in the bedrooms. We're sitting in the kitchen and the radios would go off and I'd hear that there's a load coming across. What that means is the mules are hauling this stuff across and there's certain trails that they would use. And one of them happened to be real close to my house, over by the gas line by my house. And so what I would do, now see, in those days...

Well, you'd hear them get the call. Yeah, and they'd finish their coffee. They're not in any hurry. You know, they're not in any hurry. There's a bale of weed out there. We'll get to it one day. Fucking government workers. And these guys were all, it isn't like now they're all 20-year-old hot shots

who want to prove that they're macho and do good. These guys were old Vietnam veterans. They could have cared less about the drug war. They didn't want to write up a bunch of 18-year-old kids and stay up all night doing that. So what they would do is just eventually get the call, drive up, shout La Migra. The kids would run back across the line and drop their loads.

And so if they saw one, they'd take it back to the station. But they're not going to go walking out in the bushes at night. They'll just wait until the next morning and come and collect it. No, they can have apple pie and coffee over at Buddy's. Apple pie and coffee is all that was going on at Buddy's. Kids were asleep. Kids were asleep. So, you know, they didn't want to do that.

And remember, there's only 10 of these guys. There's just a few guys for 100 miles. So they'd come back the next day or when the shift changed and they'd come back. Barely a gangbang, Jason. I say to your son, barely a gangbang. for 100 miles. So they'd come back the next day or when the shift changed and they'd come back. Barely a gangbang, Jason. I say to your son. Barely a gangbang. There was only 10.

If they're all on duty, barely a gangbang. They were shifting. I've seen Bukkake with 25. They were never on at the same time. Go ahead. Okay. So what I figured out what I could do is while the kids were asleep, border patrolmen are gone, I know where the load came across,

I figured they're probably gone home now, so I would go out in the morning, pre-dawn, walk the dogs, and look for the marijuana on the ground. I would never take it all. I would just take a few bundles and I'd put it under my coat.

And I actually, I didn't tell you this story yesterday. One morning, this old man, Mr. Hodges, he, he lives, he's kind of a recluse. He's dead. Oh yeah. He's dead. Yeah. These are all, these people are all dead. Yeah. He used to live in a little trailer up there and I saw his little trailer light come on and he heard my dogs and his dogs started barking and I'm there with all these bundles under my sweatshirt and he goes hi Betty come on over for some coffee and I went oh no I gotta get right back my kids are asleep so I gotta go right back home just out walking the dogs so I went on home. Break it again. Probably going to have a late term abortion. Don't worry about the big lump

under my belly. He didn't see. He was, you know, pretty old. So anyway, so that's how I started in business with my brother. And so he lived in Phoenix. Paradise Valley. Which is four hours from Bisbee.

Yeah, so he was a dentist. And so my kids had the whitest, shiniest, healthiest teeth in Arizona. Because I would. Because she would have to, you'd have to take the kids up to Phoenix to dump off loads of weed. Not all the time. But a lot of times I had the kids, you know. And sometimes I'd go without them. Jason said that you would have to, like, sometimes every couple of weeks, and you'd get your teeth cleaned as the excuse for her driving you up there.

Like, we just had our teeth done three days ago. Well, it was very well known that my mom would go to Phoenix all the time, and we just generally accepted that she was a little nutty and liked to drive and, you know, wanted to visit to Phoenix all the time. And we just generally accepted that she was a little nutty and liked to drive and wanted to visit her brother all the time. We were all absolutely clueless as to the reasons. Between like 10 and 14, between the three kids, 8 and 14. You were the oldest. 11 and 14.

Still the oldest. You were about 11 when I started. You were about 11. Well, I have no idea when it started because obviously this was going on for years before I even ever knew anything. And even after she was arrested, I still thought she was innocent and none of that actually really happened. So it took a long time before the truth came out for me. Which is funny because now I'll just throw this in because it has to come up. Now you're 40 years old and you work for the county prosecutor. Which is funny because now I'll just throw this in because it has to come up.

Now you're 40 years old and you work for the county prosecutor. That's true. So now you have to admit that she's guilty. He is a deputy county prosecutor. A deputy county prosecutor. Is that what you are? Well, yeah. At some point during this story when she finally actually told me what she did and that she was guilty,

she wasn't the one that actually told me. When I found out, honestly, I was crushed because I was very anti-government. I thought my mom was being falsely accused by the FBI and the state, and these government controls were abusing my family. So that is pretty traumatic for me. Well, you were right because drugs should be legal, but that's another argument. Weren't you throwing water balloons at the FBI cars one time? Well, me and, as I mentioned before,

one of the Border Patrol agents that used to stop at my mom's house and we got to know really well, his son was my best friend. And, I mean, I was with him all the time. And he had two brothers, and his brothers were about the age of my brother. So we were always together. Is this Gary? Yes. Then that's a good segue.

Gary, this is how the story continues. Now she starts, fuck it, I'm going to start grabbing bundles and selling them. Well, she starts not dating really, but has a crush with a Border Patrol agent. In the beginning, yeah, for months, yeah. Named Gary. Yeah. That at some point you subtly, how did you put it across?

Should I tell the story about the bag? My sister-in-law and the bag. Anyway, maybe you don't remember. Okay, I had a sister-in-law that used to like to smoke dope, but her husband disapproved of it strongly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so this is how I eased into. Suddenly breached.

I wanted to know if he could be corrupted. I didn't know Border Patrolmen were taking this stuff all the time. I didn't know this. And so one day I asked him, okay, I know he had busted a bunch in a in a truck in wachuka city and so i said to him i've got this sister-in-law blah blah blah and do you think when you're cleaning out the truck if you find any in the back maybe you could put a little bag or something and give it to me i'll give it to my sister-in-law and what he did is he brought me a brown grocery bag full of marijuana. So I thought,

hmm, this is easy. So I did not know that he had been doing this. And at this point, you did not have a sexual relationship with him. No, absolutely not. And this is important for the listeners. Always hold out the pussy until you make the guy

do something dirty so you got something over him. Because if he'd been fucking you for years, he'd go, yeah, score your own pot, whore. Would have brought her a snack bag full. Yeah, yeah. Here's a roach I found in my own ashtray from my own stash that you're not getting. So I'm already fucking you.

But so he brought you this overspilling brown grocery sack. Right. And you went, ding. All right. This could work. The game is afoot. This could work. Yes.

So then I eased into it a little more and I asked him, could he ever get any more? And I did not know that he had already been selling. He and all his friends had been selling it for years. You know, I didn't know that he had already been selling. He and all his friends had been selling it for years. I didn't know that. It was tricky in the beginning because neither of us trusted each other. I thought maybe he was trying to set me up. He thought maybe I was trying to set him up. But eventually... But you're so gullible that you don't know that there's no such thing as a podcast and this is the most obvious FBI sting.

We just want to get Gary and you nailed to the cross. Well, I didn't know, you know. So I finally got it. The whole thing is we finally got together on this, and after a year, he's bringing it to me regularly. He busts a load of 500 pounds he skims off 100 brings it to me turns the other 400 in he's a hero yeah i get in the papers yeah i get to you know get my kids a ski trip and new new winter coats in the in the wintertime without

asking their dad for it you know so it was working it working. And this went on for a couple of years? Yeah, it went on for, I'm thinking three. I'm getting old. My mind's getting a little fuzzy. About three. Believe me, that's why we can lose all the tape of this podcast from yesterday, and I'm still intrigued.

I kind of remember this story. It's something I learned as a child, but it was just last night. It was last night, yeah. Age and alcohol. So I used to bring it just to my brother. But then my father, who was nearly 80, he wanted to get involved. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the reason he did was because he missed his chance in Prohibition. He did not, a lot of his friends used to. He was a Kennedy fan. Well, a lot of his friends used to he was a Kennedy fan a lot of his friends used to work for Joe Kennedy we were living in Rhode Island Warren Rhode Island we're in Warren now

we're in Warren Arizona a suburb of Bisbee my dad said that he started out in Warren he ended up dying here and my brother lives outside of Warren. Barrington. Yeah, his ice cream shop was in Warren. Yeah, it was.

So anyway, so my dad wanted another chance because he didn't do it then. He did not do anything illegal when he was a young man, and he regretted it because all his friends who did it became senators, representatives. regretted it because all his friends who did it became senators, representatives. The chief of police of our town was his old friend, and he was involved with Joe Kennedy. They were all involved in bootlegging. And then alcohol became legal, and so who cared? Yeah, I think it's important to mention for the record, my grandfather was very conservative. He was pretty much straight as an arrow but he saw marijuana

in the same way that he lived through prohibition so in his eyes marijuana was going to be legal it was going to pass this illegal phase was going to end it wasn't hurting anybody so he wasn't out to be a criminal mind mastermind or anything or create some kind of wicked drug cartel he just saw it as an opportunity that he missed he saw it as a second phase of history marijuana kind of wicked drug cartel. He just saw it as an opportunity that he missed. He saw it as a second phase of history, marijuana kind of being the second prohibition of alcohol, so to speak. Just a little ahead of his time. Yeah, so he got involved. And so then that saved me a little bit of time.

He got involved. No, he wasn't like 80 years old. He wasn't going to the senior activity center and interrupting shuffleboard to sell out dime bags. No, he just stored it. He was just holding it in his freezer. Because then I didn't have to take the kids to the dentist all the time. I could simply go visit grandma and grandpa, and I would take the marijuana and put it in his freezer.

Right. In the shed. He had a freezer in the shed. It was more his freezer than your dad himself. And so he was excited to be a part of it, you know? He would tell grandma not to go in the freezer. What was that beat? Yeah.

My mother was very innocent. My mother was very innocent. She had a second grade education, but she was a wonderful, wise woman. But she was a little daffy, you know? A little bit like maybe I am. But we didn't want to worry her because anything illegal, she'd get really nervous, you know. So my dad told her, never go in the shed and never open that freezer because Billy, who is my brother, stores his radioactive chemicals in there. And if I would wander in there to get a rake or a hoe, she'd go, oh, be careful in there.

Be careful in there. You know, Billy's chemicals are in there. get a rake or a hoe, she'd go, oh, be careful in there. Be careful in there. Billy's chemicals are in there. They're radioactive. I have to have all my cocktails warm. I can't have ice. So my dad was involved. My dad got involved

in the trade. That just brought a memory to my mind that grandma told me not to go in there once because of something in the freezer, but it just did not click at all. Until just now? We used to go in. It's right near his work shed. Keep your fucking microphone at your mouth.

It was right near where we used to play with his tools and make swords and stuff out of his little metal scraps. But right in the back, I'd have to go in there sometimes to find a tool or to find something. I do remember that my grandma warned me about going back into that freezer but it never

occurred to me why and I just didn't think much about it. So now you're just clicked. Alright, so this goes on for a couple years. The brother's involved, the dad's involved, the kids have winter coats, everyone's happy. Well then

the brother gets into cocaine yeah he gets any one of my fans has probably watched cocaine cowboys and all the fucking south florida days of when everyone went wait cocaine is so much easier to smuggle because it's it's a lot smaller amount is worth... So, brother gets wise. He was also... I smoked some dope when I was in college, but I never really could do that later in life because

I had kids to raise. I was a single mom. I didn't do any drugs. I always wanted to do... You were Bonnie Franklin from One Day at a Time. May she rest in peace. She got a lot of points for a lot of people. And Doug, stand up Celebrity Death Pool this year. Please get involved. So I...

You made me lose my thought. What was I saying? No, you're a single mom. You didn't do drugs. You didn't do drugs. Oh, I didn't do drugs. I always wanted to do LSD, but I was still in my... I was in my childbearing years when everybody was doing it in the 70s, so I didn't do it.

I knew that my brother... Have you done it yet? No, I never have. That's a party. I never have. No, my big thing is mushrooms. I want to someday, it's on my bucket list. It's the same thing.

So anyway, I didn't do it. I knew my brother did it when he was younger. I mean, he was a dentist with a ponytail halfway down his back. He was a hip dentist, you know. Back when ponytails were cool. Yeah. Which they never were. Chad sitting here with his shoulder length hair.

So anyway, so I didn't really realize that he was still involved in taking his drugs and he really got into cocaine big time. And he not, I guess he was, he was helping with the sale of it, but he was also using a lot of it. And that was his downfall. Um, I didn't know the symptoms. I thought he was having marital problems because he was real crazy. Sometimes he was real hyper. Other times he'd be real depressed and then he'd be real mad, real short tempered. So I didn't know that he was, he was using cocaine. My, my mom and dad and I used to talk about it all the time. We were worried about him, you know? And so anyway, he was, he, he went like the day, a couple of days before he got busted. He went to, he used to work out. He's a health fanatic.

He still is. He's very healthy. You have a lot of energy when you're doing blow. Well, he's still very, very active. He's like a war on obesity. Then stop the war on drugs, Michelle Obama. You want to stop obesity, get a lot of coke back in the fucking system. You spend a lot of time on the fucking treadmill.

He was a health fanatic. He would go to the fancy schmancy Scottsdale Health Club. And one day he met with some friends in a restaurant. Little did he know the FBI was watching them because they were big-time dealers. Yeah, the hardcore gun people. The FBI was watching them. This goofy dentist drives up with his Mercedes, sits down and has coffee with him,

then goes to his health club. I'm not sure what the time. It might have been two or three days later they started watching him. At one point in this, he goes to a health club in a locker and takes out 40 pounds of cocaine and brings it to his house. And just before he gets home, they surround his car, they bust him, they take the 40 pounds, they go to his house, and they find 40 more pounds in his freezer. I was just benching it, Your Honor.

This is my max. You can't take any of this. So he went to jail. Spot me. And it just happened that I was in Tempe delivering 60 pounds of marijuana to him the night he got busted. And here's where all the fun and games stops

because this was the nightmare. You know, my brother is in jail. Neither of us had ever known. But it's completely separate drug deals. Yeah, but I didn't even. He just got busted for coke that you had no involvement in. And I didn't even know anybody who had ever been in jail before in my life. I never knew anybody went to jail.

Not even for shoplifting. I never knew anybody that went to jail. And so he's in jail. His wife is crying. I haven't even watched went to jail. And so, you know, he's in jail. His wife is crying. I haven't even watched Magnum P.R. yet because I have to ask my husband for a TV money. So anyway, he's in jail. We don't know what to do. Eventually we go home. I didn't, you know, what else do we do? We had that? We took care of the 60 pounds. We gave it to a person I know he used to deal with.

You sat on the roof of the health club with binoculars for a week after covering your tracks. So we go home. Two or three weeks later, I get arrested. What happened is when he was in jail, he was in county jail, he was in for six days. And he had never even been near a jail, I don't think, before. I lived on a ranch with dirty kids with horses and chickens.

He lived in Paradise Valley with a very wealthy wife, and he wasn't used to any hardship whatsoever. So he goes to jail, and six days later, he turns everybody in, including his little sister. He found Jesus. Yeah, he did. He was an atheist up until that point. Another inmate gave him a Bible, and suddenly he saw the light,

and he saw the error of his ways and he needed to straighten this thing out. And rat everybody out. No, he needed to help all these people, including his baby sister. I was his little sister. not unlike Dr. Drew, who said in an interview that if he were Lindsay Lohan's father, he would plant coke on her and then call the cops. I didn't know he said that, but it's the various people believe that. My glaring omission that I forgot to bring up when I did his podcast was, OK, how do you justify that?

Because he's he's too nice of a guy. And I was very nice. But you can't really you can say oh I anyway that's another podcast but your brother did this to you he ratted you out for something you had no involvement in. Well no

but all the marijuana too. All the marijuana that I've been doing. But he also said you had something to do with the coke. Right. One thing I remember is he went through this phase where he was saying, like, drugs are the devil. Yeah, you remember that. He was really, you know, hot on that. It was evil.

And by kind of coming clean, he was, like, fixing that problem. Yeah, for the next two years after that, he actually, this is an atheist, remember, up until this point. He actually traveled with a Christian singing group all around the country giving his testimony. So he became what? Another scam, probably made more than coke dealing. Yeah, fucking Jesus sells way more tickets than coke. You know what? More tickets than Coke.

You know what? We're going to get back to your arrest right after this break because we have a lot of sponsors, which we don't have any sponsors. I just have to piss desperately. So we'll plug something that I like and I hope you like, and then we'll be back. This is the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Please feel free to retweet it, repost it, and send the message around the world that we're getting out to the people. And this podcast is sponsored by Popov Plastic Jug Vodka.

Why? Because I just get these foam shields on my microphone so I can say Popov Plastic Jug Vodka without the microphone popping. Did it pop? All right. Pop off will refuses to be sponsored by us. So until they give me a cease and desist, I'm sponsored by pop off vodka in spite of their claim that they would not touch me with a barge pole. All right. Now we're back from urinating and Betty is just getting arrested.

And Derek just brought me another rum and coke. Thank you, Derek. Derek does so much, and he never gets... In fact, Chaley, when you hear this, edit out that we gave Derek any credit for all the work he does, because it'd all go to his head if he ever realized how much we appreciate him. Oh, he'd be a fucking monster.

He'd be a nightmare. So you get arrested. Where are you? Well, I used to drive a red candy apple, red Suburban in those days. Show off. And in Bisbee,

we have one grocery store and that's Safeway. Safeway. In Bisbee, if have one grocery store, and that's Safeway. Safeway. In Bisbee, if you want to avoid people, you can't eat groceries because there's a lot of different factions. There's the militiamen part of Bisbee and the Christian and the hippie and the artist and every type of different people. And everyone kind of stays away from each other.

If they don't like each other they tend to get along but if you're gonna see someone you're trying to avoid safeway is our only corporate entity where everyone has to go to get groceries so anytime i will i actually like sneak up on aisles at safeway look down it to make sure there's no one I don't want to talk to, and then go down that aisle and then sneak serpentine up and down the aisles if I'm antisocial. A lot of people do that. Imagine when they're up there in that window. You do that, Lita. My daughter-in-law is here.

She does that a bit. So you're at Safeway when you get busted? Well, I drive into Safeway, and I take the very first parking place right near the Safeway doors, and I'm suddenly surrounded by... Oh, wait. When we talked about this last night, you're talking about a different parking spot. This is very important. There's the one right by the doors, but that's at an angle.

So if you have your cart, you have to lean your cart up against it. Yeah, that's the one I'm in. There's the handicap spots where it's flat, where everyone thinks they're all handicapped, but one of them is not. That's the spot I was talking about. No, that's not the one I was in. I was in the very first one. There's an even better spot.

We'll talk off the air because I don't want to give this shit away. You pull up right at the front door of Safeway, that spot. Yep, I pull up there. I'm getting ready to get out of my car, and I'm surrounded by FBI all wearing dark suits, white shirts, and little red power ties. They surround my car, brown and blue Tauruses. And, of course, everybody's looking. And they don't put me in handcuffs there though.

They take me home and I was worried about leaving the car so one of them said they're going to drive the car home. 35 well-dressed gentlemen just came a-courting. Can I take you home, Miss Purdy? So they take me back to my house and fortunately the kids were at their dad's when this happened. So they weren't with me.

They were at their dad's house. Was dad in town? Yeah, he lives right down the road. So he lived in town through this whole thing. He had no idea any of this shit was going on as far as we know. No, he doesn't. So I'm arrested. I'm taken home.

And then we sit down at my table, and we go through the good cop, bad cop. There's one fish-eyed guy that I just can't stand. I just want you to talk dirty to me. He's real mean, and he's pointing his finger at me, and he's telling me, I might as well confess because my boyfriend, that's the border patrolman, has been arrested too and he's spilled his guts. Shanging like a canary.

And then the other guy comes in and he goes oh can I get you a cup of coffee? I know you're probably upset and tired and then the bad guy comes in again and we go through this for hours and I don't believe them. I don't say anything and I act totally surprised. They take me up to Tucson.

What were they saying? They were saying you were involved with the cocaine aspect? They're saying that my brother, not really anything specific. They're just saying that my, they were saying, you know what this is about. You know your brother was in jail, right? And I'd say, well, yeah. And he says, well, he's implicated you.

He's implicated you. And he says you were his source. And that's about it. And he said, you might as well tell me the rest of the story. And I wouldn't tell him. See, this is before the first 48 came on A&E, where they gave you a template of what not to fucking say when cops give you. Do you watch? Oh, you don't have TV.

The prosecutor doesn't have TV. God damn the kid. I'm going to buy you. When's your birthday? I'm going to buy you cable so you can watch important shit. Very important. First 48. I haven't even heard of that either.

I've got TV. Yeah, yeah, no, he doesn't need to see it. Kids, black kids in the inner city need to see it because they're the ones that are on it, and they sing like a canary. Well, they did this, and then they finally decided, oh, they just tore my house apart. They just ripped my house apart. They just ripped the house apart

and they found journals and they found nothing. They found no extra money. They found no weed. They found nothing, but they took it all. They thought they were going to find all kinds of important stuff in my journals.

Did they take the kids' ski jackets? No, they didn't. That would be the rub. But they did take the journals that said, you know, and Jason took his first step today. I love Gary so much, I'm willing to sell pot for him. I hope no one ever finds this. LOL.

There was no LOL. No, she invented LOL in her journals. Okay, so they take me up to Tucson. Oh, that's another story, too. They do a mug shot of me, and everybody later on asks me in the paper, because it's in the paper every day,

why are you smiling? The paper here is 12 pages long. Why are you smiling? Why are you smiling in your... I don't know. They took a picture of me, so I smiled. are you smiling in your... I don't know. I just... He took a picture of me, so I smiled.

Well, that was embarrassing. Do you have a copy of that anywhere? Yeah, because... Well, just recently. So we can put this as the thumbnail picture of this podcast. Tons. Tons of them. Do you have it?

Yeah, I have. My dad kept every paper. Fantastic. So that will be the thumbnail. My dad kept all the paper. Betty's smiling mug shot. Mug shot. So they bring you to prison or jail in Tucson. But then my ex-husband bailed me out.

And I came home the next... Did you have to ask for the money? I was in jail. I couldn't even call anybody. No, he was good. He was a good ex-husband. So he bailed me out of jail. Good, because he's my girlfriend's doctor.

Yeah, good. Yeah, he's a good doctor. Okay, so the next day when I finally got home, my youngest son was like eight years old, and he was a baseball player. He was a little league. And so I just, I didn't know what else to do. So I went to the baseball game.

Straight out of jail. And everybody in town, of course, this was a talk of the town. Yeah, that's what I was saying earlier. The Bisbee newspaper comes out once a week and it's 12 pages and people only read it for the police beat to see what neighbor or a person they know has been arrested for what and what's that person doing in the, like Gladys Kravitz, you know.

The telephone, yeah. A dated fucking reference. Go ahead. Okay, so everybody knew that I had been arrested already because it's a small town. There's less than 6,000 people in the town and everybody gathers in the morning for coffee and they're talking about this is big news.

I come off the road after three months, and I go, so what's the local gossip? Nothing. One person get arrested would be fucking huge news for anything. So they're all talking about it, and I just show up at this baseball game, and first of all, everybody kind of looks, and then everybody kind of

forgets about it and they're just talking to me like as if nothing happened. Swing, batter, batter, batter. Swing, batter, batter. Dead silence. White guy walks into a black bar. Record skips. Swing, batter, batter, batter. Betty. And then it goes on.

Swing, batter, batter. And that was it. So that was but it was an extremely long pre-trial period. The border patrolman, who was also my co-defendant, got arrested, and over a period of a year, he got really nervous that they were going to really throw the book at him. Yeah, they thought he thought, yeah, but he thought he wouldn't even have a prayer. to really throw the book at him. He fled to New Zealand? Yeah, but he thought he wouldn't even have a prayer.

He thought if he went to prison that everybody would kill him because he was an officer, a dirty officer. He thought everybody would kill him. He thought his only chance would be to abscond. He went to New Zealand. I just remember there's kind of a good story

on how he threw everybody off on where he was going. Oh, yeah, I do. You tell it. Do you remember it? Yeah, tell it. Use your prosecutor voice. You talk so timid. I hope if I ever get into legal trouble,

you prosecute me because you're so timid in your speech. These stories, girl. And I'd like to remind the jury that the 13-year-old girl that he raped and fire-tortured was a nice girl. Speak up, says the jury. I'm not speaking real confidently

here because these stories are not my stories. It's because I've heard them from other people. Go ahead. I'm just fucking with you. You tell it. No, you tell it. I'm just fucking with you. You tell it. No, no, you tell it. No, I want you to tell it. All right, I'm going to tell it.

Okay, I'll tell it the way I heard it, but you're going to have to fix anything that's not. Chad will tell it. He doesn't know it. I don't know it. Writer's embellishment. You just correct me where I'm wrong. Well, go ahead.

To throw off the FBI as to where he was going, they kind of planted his truck, and they put, like, maps of Mexico and all kinds of stuff to make the FBI think he was fleeing into Mexico when, in fact, he actually went to New Zealand. After they planted the truck, and then she went out with the desert broom and covered the tracks and walked backwards and flip-flops away from the scene. Well, that's why I wanted her to tell it, because that's the story I know. There's probably better stuff that you never told me. No, that's about it.

He parked a truck down by Mexico, and it was loaded with Mexican stuff, like he was going to go there. I can't remember the details. But he went to New Zealand instead because... He wanted a sailboat, and he thought that New Zealand would be a good place to buy a cheap one because Americans sail down there, and then they can't come back because of the wind.

And so the boats down there are very cheap, stupidly, because they have extradition with the United States. If he had gone somewhere like Brazil, he would have been okay. But he didn't. He went to New Zealand to buy a boat. He's no Snowden. He didn't watch Locked Up Abroad. This was the late 80s.

First of all, you get hit for some giant amount of money. Bail. Was it bail? 55 grand? That was to pay the lawyer. Oh, to pay the lawyer. But you still had some money in the Cayman Islands.

Yeah, I did. Which you couldn't have come up with on your own. Who told you to put money in the Cayman Islands? Well, I better not say that because it's a person that I still associate with. Someone else did tell you. Someone else told me. I know you. I'm with all deference.

Someone else did tell you. Someone else told me. I know you. I'm with all deference. You're the ditziest person in the fucking world, which is why this story is fascinating. If anyone knew you, that's why I was so compelled to this story. You couldn't have thought of, oh, offshore banking. Well, a lot of professionals in Bisbee were using offshore banking,

especially people that are afraid of getting sued. They don't want to get sued, so they put money in the Cayman Islands. Even now, Betty will go, Betty, if you need money, if you need work, and then she'll, yes, I do, and then she'll work for you, and then you try to pay her,

and she's like, you don't need to do that. That's what you work for. What the fuck is your problem? You don't need to pay me. I want to be paid a fair amount. You're too generous. So the guy, you have money in the Cayman Islands. Yeah, and he finds a boat in New Zealand.

We're communicating through pay phones and letters. Carrier pigeons. Carrier pigeons. Carrier pigeon. And so he finds a boat that costs $40,000. And he needs to get the money to buy the boat. And so I'm afraid to wire it to him because I don't want to leave a paper trail or a wire trail. And so I have to bring him the cash. So you have to fly to New Zealand.

Well, no, I didn't fly to New Zealand. Would you take a fucking flight? No, I had to go a roundabout way because I didn't want to leave this trail. Well, you had to go to New Zealand. Yeah, I had to go to New Zealand. But you didn't fly. Well, I flew, but I got there. I got there by.

You said, well, I didn't fly to New Zealand. Well, not directly. I had to go all around that way. I'm not saying you caught a nonstop from the Bisbee airport. So I eventually got there by using other people's passports and disguising myself. Oh, that's right. You dressed up.

Yeah, I dressed up like a very old woman. That was only in my 40s then. I wasn't too bad in my 40s. You look like you're in your 40s now. I put a gray wig on. I've been drinking, but I'm saying. I dressed with a big skirt. Anyway, the gist of the story is I ended up getting to New Zealand with...

I only used a passport for one leg of the journey, but it wasn't mine. People just kind of said, in those days there was no security. So they said, when I would dig through my purse as an old woman looking for my passport, they says, oh, just get on the plane, just get on the plane. So I had no problem. I went all the way there. Got to New Zealand. Gave them the money. Came back and was back within a couple of days so that I was back in time to check into probation.

I still haven't figured out what that word was. Pre-trial something or other. So anyway, I checked in. I just want to ask. The guy at this point knows you're a sucker. This Gary character who had punch in the face if he were here today. He had $40,000. This is 1989.

Yeah, 1988. Somewhere in there. Somewhere in there. Almost 1989. Did he go, well, she's a sucker, so I'm going to upgrade the boat. You're going to probably get a $4,000 sailboat. As well as this is a pretty big sailboat. If you're going to be on the lam.

But he goes, oh, douchebag. She's got money in the Cayman Islands. I'm going to jack her up to first class. So we got that boat. He bought the boat. Well, let me interrupt, though. That's not how it was. They were very close.

Keep the mic steady. Do this. Look at me. Just follow me So I think they probably had a plan at some point Where they were going to sail around the world together You know and kind of And do that

Now I don't even know if you know this too But several other family members were involved in this too About getting all the kids passports You were going to go too Well here Let me back up and say when you got busted at Safeway, you had been tipped off by a lot of local police. Oh, yeah. A lot of the local police you were telling me yesterday, they fucking hate the FBI.

Oh, they hate the FBI. And a lot of them were involved. Like those movies where you go, this is my jurisdiction, flatfoot. You're not going to get anywhere around here without my help because I know the terrain. But not only that, a lot of them were involved. It wasn't just the border patrolman and me. And I, of course, will not mention any names because a lot of them still live in Bisbee and they're prominent citizens in their 60s now. And so I'm not going to mention any of these people, but they were involved. They were letting us know when the mules were coming through. They

were hoping to get a little, you a little something off of this load. And a lot of them were doing it themselves. And so they would always tell me when the border patrol, I mean when the FBI was in town. Some of them got two-for-one pizzas at Gus the Greek's. And he'd actually smile at them for a fee. No, he never did. That's our local soup Nazi, as Gus agreed. Local reference!

Anyway, so now you're about to sail around the world with Gary and your children. But he probably told you to go fuck yourself. No, he was hoping that all this was going to come about, and he was going to get passports for his kids. We were actually going to get real Irish passports. We're all going to be Irish citizens. I didn't tell you this yesterday. A friend of mine was, he used to be really big in Northern Ireland. In fact, he was going to run for president. And instead he came to the United States and he had ties with the embassy or whatever the place

is that gives passports. And so he was going to give us all official Irish passports. But we got busted before that could happen, so you didn't know that. Well, you came back and they go, oh, you got ratted out and someone said, oh, she's been... Well, one of the other border patrolmen who was also arrested just totally rolled over. To this day, he's on my hit list. What's his name? Glenn Waltz.

Glenn Waltz. You don't like that guy. We'll have to run that by someone high up in the legal field to see if we can actually drop that name. Oh, he's horrible. But if he did rat, he's a rat. I don't think he can sue you for saying you're a rat when you're a fucking rat. Well, it was bad.

He was Gary's best friend in the Marines. I mean, they were Marine buddies together. Semper Fi to an extent. Semper Fi and all that, you know. And then he totally rolled over. So he came back from New Zealand. Yeah, I don't know how he. I never told him I was going to New Zealand.

But he must have seen New Zealand books and things around my house, and he put it together, and they contacted the FBI. He ended up getting totally off, but he was also arrested. He was one of the ones arrested. Gary? No, this guy, Glenn Waltz. Yeah, the rat. He was another one who had been arrested. So, okay, quickly, what happened to Gary?

Did he get arrested on the sailboat? No, he got arrested in his campground. He was camping in New Zealand, and they arrested him. This is like the Ricky Williams story. They arrested him in New Zealand, but it took almost a year to bring him back because New Zealand doesn't believe in these laws. They don't like these laws.

So it took almost a year. For those of you who don't know New Zealand like I do, they don't have laws. Slavery is still legal. A major form of currency is seashells and lumps of salt. And it's a 98% black community, but all white representation. It's a travesty. I heard they kill people like Shirley Jackson's The Lottery still.

Oh, they do. Oh, yeah. It's a very traditional area. What the fuck is that? Is that a bird? It's a beetle. Prosecuted. There's a big Arizona beetle in the house here.

All right, let's get to prison. Okay, so, but he was in New Zealand prison, but they didn't want to extradite him. Fuck Gary. We're getting past Gary. We don't care about Gary or his rat friend. We need to get to you going to prison. All right, so I...

This is how the whole thing starts, where an elderly woman in a walker that's 95 years old shows you the ropes. Well, that's way down the line. Yeah, yeah. We're going to speed to it. All right. Well, what happened then was that my youngest son and I were living in Tucson at the time, and they found out about me going to New Zealand.

And then just after I picked him up from school, they again surround my car. And this is where Jason gets in on it because now he's old enough to drive. The FBI take me back to prison for aiding... When you come back from New Zealand. Aiding and abetting a fugitive is what I was

arrested for the second time. Aiding and abetting a fugitive. You're not at Safeway this time. No, I'm in Tucson. You're in Tucson. I'm in Tucson. What are you doing? I'm just living up there with my son. Oh, you're living there. Yeah, we got an apartment because we wanted him to grow a little more

and go to a private school so he could play football. So that's what I was doing up there. Gabe, yeah. That story you'll hear either before or after this podcast. That's the part of the podcast that didn't get fucked up last night. So we'll probably throw that in at the end with Jason and Gabe.

Because there are other fascinating stories. So he was just young. He was eighth grade, I think. Thirteen. Thirteen. Fuck him. We already talked about it. Get to prison.

So, well, now they take me, first of all, to the Tucson prison, the jail. Jail. And then I've got to get up to the Maricopa County Jail because that's where the federal thing that I was prosecuted out of was, because my brother was. Yeah. So they take me up, put me in the county jail up there. And I don't think I've ever told you about the tank, but we won't get into that. This is before Joe Arpaio, so you didn't have to

eat rotten bologna. Well, it was just as bad. Oh, yeah. It was just as bad. Yeah, but that guy didn't have the PR machine that Joe Arpaio. No. Joe Arpaio is in the celebrity death pool. He's my fantasy pick. He's like number one, but that's another story. Yeah. But there was another

guy with an A name. I can't remember, but he was bad, too. So I'm in tank the first the first thing you do betty say and i'm in the tank you go to the the tank as far as all the the inmates go has the second worst reputation in the country people that are in and out of jail all the time second only to atlanta ge. Okay, so Phoenix tank was bad news. It was a cement cell, and it had three metal bunks on one side, stainless steel, no mattresses, three on the other side, and nothing else. So in other words, it was made for six people, and there were probably 45 people in there.

So there's no way to stand. So you walk in there and it's freezing cold too. And I, in Tucson, they gave me like scrubs, like Dr. Scrubs, no underwear, just scrubs. So it's freezing cold. So I go into this tank in Maricopa County jail and there's, you can't even sit. There's no place to sit. And it's all these people puking, coming down off a heroin. There's one stainless steel toilet in the middle of the cell, and people are vomiting in it,

pooping in it. Oh, it's just disgusting. And all these... And all you want is a cool drink of water. And all these men... So you have to skim off the side. Wait a minute. As a white person,

you didn't immediately get one of the bunks? You're ruining my whole image of what's going to happen if I have to go to jail. Only the hardcore people got the bunks. The first day that I got in there, I was kind of standing, but then time, hours go by, so

I kind of squat down, I find a little corner, and I was real timid. I mean, there were all these mean people in there. Then eventually, on about the second day in there, I crawled under one of the stainless steel beds, and that's where I stayed. Probably the lower one. The lowest one? Underneath it.

You don't crawl under the top bunk. No, under the bottom one on the cement floor, which is wet, because twice a day they get everybody and they move them into another cell and they hose it down with this horribly toxic material, I guess because people have lice and things. And so when you go back in, now it's all wet. I'm pretty timid. I'm scared of these people, you know?

Okay, so I'm in there for three days, and what they do is... Wait, you crawl under... Yeah, that's where I was sleeping now. There was a little... No one had thought of that. Well, yeah, there were people under... Took a white person. There were people under there.

I had to kind of wait my turn, but I finally got a spot. So I was in there for three days, and the way they feed you is that they open the front door, and they have a little baggie with a bologna sandwich, a cup of milk, and an apple every day. Dry bologna sandwich on white bread. They open it up, and they're in a box, and they throw them into the cell. And if you happen to grab one, you eat. If you happen not to grab one, you don't eat that meal.

And that's how the UN works in Darfur. Well, three times a day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Bologna sandwich, apple, and a carton of milk. But you are 5'10", so you had... Yeah, but I wasn't 6'2", and a huge, giant, black

prostitute either, you know, that may or may not have been a woman. Did you keep her number? Wah, wah, wah. So, okay, so after three days, they put me in the Maricopa County Detention either, you know, that may or may not have been a woman. Did you keep her number? So, okay, so after three days, they put me in the Maricopa County Detention Center. I got out of the tank. All right. And then they didn't know what to do with me. They absolutely didn't know what to do with me. So they had a hearing and they decided that I couldn't possibly have done this crime on my own. I must have been controlled by the men in my life. The border patrolman, the brother, which I wasn't. I did this because I wanted to

do it. But they decided that I needed to go get evaluated. Men get all the credit. Behind every fucking dirty man there's a dirty woman. But she never gets the credit. They decided I had to go and get evaluated. They decided I had to go and get evaluated

because surely I wouldn't have done this without this horrible influence in my life. So they took me out one day, and they put me in a car. It was a hot, hot day, probably at least 100 degrees. They put me in the... The marshals come. They take me away with two other... They were very young black girls. And we're sitting in the back of this car.

We went to the Phoenix airport, but you don't go to the main airport because these big Conair jets don't land in public. They want to keep it hidden. So we land at this little part of the airport. And we're locked in this car with the windows up. And the marshals are outside drinking 64-ounce thirst busters. And they drink it. And they look at us. And they laugh. And they spill it. And we're dying in this car. And we kept telling them, we've got to get out. We were in there

probably two hours waiting for the plane to come until finally the little girl was probably 18 years old next to me, puked all over the back of the car. Then they took us in, and then they were mad because she puked in the car, and they gave us, they let us get a drink, go to the bathroom, and then back in the car. So then we get on the plane. I mean, it's horrible. They're terrible, terrible people, these U.S. Marshals. So then we get on the plane. It's one of those big giant jets, no seat belts. Of course, we're chained. I'm chained with my ankles, I'm chained around my waist and my hands are handcuffed in front. Okay. So we get on this plane. It's mostly men. It's like the big 747s, but I don't know what it was in

those days. There was no first class. Well, there was no seatbelts. You could never use the bathroom. The marshals sat at the front sitting on their ice chests. Imagine if there had been turbulence or something. And they were stupider than anybody. You know, they were sitting up there. And they laughed. And men were peeing all over the plane because you can't use the bathroom. They don't let you use the bathroom.

I mean, it stunk so bad in there. Anyway, they take me to Lexington, Kentucky, and that's where I go. I'm playing there coming up. Shit Town Tour. Check my website, DougStanup.com. Lexington is actually a good town, and I chastise Brian for putting that on the Shit Town Tour

because we're trying to play like Youngstown, Ohio, those kind of awful places. But yeah, nice plug, Betty. But go ahead. So now you're in Lexington as a filthy fugitive. Lexington is, it houses all kinds, it's a real hardcore prison. Oh, we stay at the Holiday Inn.

It's really nice. Well, you should check out this place. But it also is the place in those days, I don't know where it is now, that houses the insane asylum for the federal prisoners. And that's where I have to go because I have to get evaluated. I was only supposed to be there for three weeks to get an evaluation. So they put me in Lexington, in the insane asylum, with 26 of the craziest women in the country.

I mean, think of all the thousands of inmates. Take the 26 craziest ones, and they're in Lexington, Kentucky. And that's where I go. You were one of them. For how long? For how long? Well, I was supposed to be there three weeks. The Gulf War broke out, and they claimed they lost me for five and a half months.

So I stayed there for five and a half months. Oh, sorry. You're doing what here? By now, she's like writing scripts for people. She stole a doctor's smock, I'm guessing. Well, I was in there, and you've got to make the best of it. Now, the cells don't lock. Were you trying to tell people, hey, get me the fuck out of here,

knowing that prison is the option? Well, I would try to call my attorney, who never would take my calls. So my theory looking— Because you were talking on a banana, going, I'm not crazy like these people. Because you were talking on a banana going, I'm not crazy like these people. I honestly think, looking back, that they wanted to break me because they wanted, I think the lawyer was probably part of the deal because they didn't want to go to trial. Because my lawyer at that time was still using drugs that my brother was selling.

Everybody that was tied in. But your brother wasn't selling them anymore, so where is he getting his drugs? Well, wherever he gets them. He's hot shot. I don't know where he gets them now. But they were all... I think they didn't want to go to trial. They didn't want any of this stuff to come out. Eventually it did. And eventually they got taken off my case. But in the beginning they were... So you spent five and a half

months in a nut house. And there were people there that you can't even believe. There was one lady named Judy. Judy weighed about 350 pounds. She was in there for killing little girls and cutting off their feet and masturbating with their feet. Now, was Judy your first homosexual experience behind bars? Judy was convinced, and I have no idea why,

because they thought something was wrong, that I was like an FBI spy. All the inmates thought they were all paranoid of me. They all thought I was trying to set them up for something, because they were crazy. They all heard voices. And this one lady, she was convinced that I wanted her to kill me so that she could make love to my dead body. Okay, this is what she believed.

And she was telling me this all the time. She was telling the nurses this. You know what? This is really not a time to cast aspersions on people's sexual proclivities. Let's say I was thinking the exact same thing through this whole conference. Anyway.

Okay, so remember, she weighs about 350 pounds. She's a big woman. And she would go into her room at night and she'd get so frustrated by me being in there

that she would claw her face and she'd come out in the morning with blood just dripping off her face. So I would tell the nurses, you know, I'm afraid of this woman. She's telling me this, you know. And they said, oh, well, when you see her coming, just use a different staircase.

That was their answer for it. So that's like, yeah, Bingo. When Bingo was cutting herself and went to not even a doctor here in Bisbee, and the doctor she talks to who's an LPN, not a real doctor, via Skype, when Bingo would cut, the doctor said, next time you feel like cutting, try getting a manicure or something positive instead. And that's why a fucking congresswoman gets fucking shot repeatedly because that's the state of mental health care in Arizona. That's it.

Well, that's the state there. So what I would do is you can't lock yourself in your room. We all had private rooms. But you can – so I booby booby trapped my room at night. I would tie things to the door and so that if anybody opened my door, all this stuff would fall and I would wake up. So that was my only security. There was another lady that she was convinced that I had TB and that I was going to cough on her and give her TB, which I started doing just for the fun of it.

So they eventually put her in a solitary cell because she was coming at me regularly and they finally searched her room and she had razor blades and things in her room because she told the guards she was going to kill me. She said eventually she would kill me. So they shipped her out to some other place eventually,

but I couldn't help it a little bit. It's like America's Got Talent where they take the top 26 craziest people, boil them down to 12, then it's five, and then it's the big finale. And then the girl kills the other girl with razor blades and gets her

crown. I eventually, after five and a half months, was brought back. And this is the story that... Brought back to Tucson? No, no, no. I was brought back to the tank in Phoenix. The tank? Back to the tank. Five and a half months later. I've been through all this now. Remember the first time I went to the tank, Phoenix. The tank? Back to the tank. Okay, five and a half months later.

Okay, I've been through all this now. Remember the first time I went to the tank, I mean, I was a mouse. I was terrified. Now you're fucking catching bologna sandwiches. Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you. For a time and a half.

Now you've been living with Jews for a half month. Yeah, you're a ringer. Not only that, I was on, Phoenix was on. You're catching bologna sandwiches with your feet. She was known as Top Bunk Betty at that point. She got that.

She's blocking shots like Dennis Rodman in fucking 1989. A lot different. I had been on Con Air also for 13 hours because Phoenix was the last stop. They went everywhere in the country dropping off inmates from Lexington. How long? 13 hours.

I was on that plane. No bathroom stops. Did you piss your pants? No drink. No, I didn't drink two days ahead of time. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. For 13 hours in my lifetime.

Okay, so I'm back in the tank and there's one there was a telephone in there where you're allowed to call your family and tell them that you're there so i'm trying to call my kids and tell them i'm back in phoenix and there's a there's a metal i mean a cement bench under the telephone and there's this rabbit coat laying across it. Like a fur coat. I'm using the phone. I get rid of the dial and my leg touches it. Everyone's brows just furrowed.

Just so you know. The pita. There was a rabbit coat there. Just like you in the car. Our brows furrowed too. Go ahead. I touch this coat with my leg while I'm using the phone. And this woman slash man slash who knows what. 6'2".

Very, very large person. Margot Wallenberg? Bigger. Bigger. I don't think it was a woman, but it could have been. I'm just pausing because we're going to have Margot. That might be a place we put in

and now erotica by Margo Wallinger okay she comes up to me so you touch the rabbit fur coat yeah it's her coat she's a prostitute she has a skirt that shows

allegedly the bottom part of her behind okay her booty and she comes up to me and she goes you know she's cussing me out,

and so now I, you know, I don't deal with this anymore. I turned to her, and I said, you know, I'm a fucking federal prisoner, and I just came from the Lexington, you know, insane asylum, and you just get out of my fucking face while I call my fucking kids, And the whole place gets really quiet. And everybody starts murmuring, felon, killed people, Lexington, insane asylum. I got the bottom bunk. I was

in there for three days. I got the bottom bunk. Everybody was so respectful. It was amazing. So I was in there another three days. I got my bologna sandwiches. If I didn't get one, people gave me theirs.

I mean, a whole different thing. Do you know about this, Jason? You've got to understand, her son, who hasn't talked in about 20 minutes, is taking a lot of this in. Okay, so I've told that story at the Grand a lot, but I guess you're never there with me. So that's the difference when you've been involved in the system. So you ended up, let's wrap, I mean, get to the close. Okay, the close. Okay, it went on.

Over two years? Yeah, it went on another, it went on, I finally got out on, I think I got out on bail again. You were in the tank the whole time. No, no, no, three, four days in the tank. Yeah, and then you. Then you go to the county jail, and then they let me go home. No, then I went to a group home. I forgot about that.

Then I went to, whoops, am I okay? Then I went to like a halfway house. I couldn't go home. Then I went to this halfway house in Phoenix. And then Gary went to trial. I'm trying to think. I guess some of these details mixed up. He went to trial.

He got convicted. He got 27 and a half years. And he's getting out? Next year. Next year. Glenn Waltz got off, of course, because he ratted everybody out. How many years did he actually do? You don't do 20.

27 and a half years minus 54 days. Yeah, there's no good time for federal. They just take those 54 days off. And you know what, well, the good thing about the prison system is it, it does rehabilitate people. So, you know, he's probably learned a lot since those whimsical days of sailboating. Yeah. He's probably a different person. You know what?

Maybe just a jet ski. No. So anyway, different person you know what maybe just a jet ski now so anyway so he was convicted and then they they still didn't know what to do with me and so then they said well you know if you go to trial you're going to get convicted too but if you sign this plea agreement without ratting anybody out just say you did the crime and so i had to admit to 25 pounds of marijuana and four telephone conversations with my brother and they would they gave me they gave me four two-year sentences which could run all together so i ended up doing two years and the time in lexington counted and the time in the tank counted. So I ended up not doing that much. And I went to a camp in Phoenix.

And it was still prison. Not that sauna where you learn to find yourself. It was still prison. Yeah, if there's anything I think that we all learned from this, don't talk to your brother. Not on the phone, at least. That's what I got out of it in his defense i'll say that you know he he just got caught up in something that was way over his head

and i don't you know you can't i don't hate him i just it's just over you know yeah but uh now that you know he's a dentist again it's no problem legalized in some states, decriminalized, or at least medical marijuana. Everyone says in comedy, you know, Lenny Bruce opened doors for you and Richard Pryor broke down walls. You know what? you know what there's a fucking fidgety old betty white uh the the uh what of bisbee edith bunker of bisbee yeah there's someone out there who fucking broke down some doors so you can just sit there and get high in washington and colorado and hopefully every fucking state, there is a Joe Kennedy out there. And maybe your kids, because you were a Joe Kennedy of marijuana, will go from prosecutor to president. Not after this podcast. Any final words?

Anything else you have to throw in? None for me. That was great. Well, what I'd like to say is, I mean, this is obviously a very interesting story. Anything else you have to throw in? None for me. That was great. Well, what I'd like to say is, I mean, this is obviously a very interesting story. You went through a lot, but a lot of good people did get hurt. You know, and Gary was a really good guy. I mean, he had a good family, you know, and his kids suffered.

You know, and there was a lot of suffering that happened as a result of these stories. And even my brother had two kids. I love those kids to this day. Wonderful kids. It's horrible. This drug war has got to end. It's crazy. And again, what you're going to hear hopefully after this, I think I will hopefully run it all together. I'll do a couple of drops in case we don't. Your son, Jason, here, who is now working for the county prosecutor as a good guy. I think this should all go together as one long podcast. And hopefully I have you on more because we are of a like mind.

It'll probably cost you your job in the long run if this ever gets popular. But I've never been under the threat of about to be popular in my whole career. So I think we're good. And we're talking to a great underbelly. So we'll talk more. We'll get into all the fucking people that get hurt. A couple of plugs. Radley Balko's new book, Rise of the Warrior Cop. Fucking absolutely necessary.

Three felonies a day. I don't remember the author, but you can Google it. Yeah, read up on that. We'll do more. Doug Stanoff, celebrity. Death Pool. If you love to gamble, put your own gambling crew together. We're not a gambling site, but we do all the fucking work and make it fun.

That's it. This worked out fucking... I'm glad you lost the tape from yesterday, because I think this was a better version. Betty, Jason, Chad Shank, who will be on all the fucking Bisbee podcasts if I can coerce him. Shawnee, our producer.

Lita, the hot chick in the background. Melissa Holden, hanging around. Old news, had a baby. No one loves her anymore. Thank you guys for listening. Spread the word if you enjoyed this. And if you don't, I don't give a fuck. It's free.

And that was Nurse Betty Part 2. Jason and Gabe chime in. The children. The spawn of the beast of Nurse Betty. And the stories get kind of weirder stay tuned and in another 15 months I'll put out the next episode of the Doug Stanhope

podcast now the mattoid do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live at the Funhouse in Bisbee, Arizona. Intro music by Miska Shubale, party time by The Mattoid, both available on iTunes. This episode featured Doug Stanhope, Benny Lindstrom, and Chad Schenck, engineered by Shawnee, produced by me, Greg Shaley. If you enjoy the podcast, take a moment to rate us on iTunes. It really helps us out.

Check out all of Doug's upcoming dates at DougStanhope.com. Thanks for listening. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go!

Party time, yeah Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time

Party time