The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #103: Don't Do Acid and Go to the Bar hosted by Chad Shank

Episode Date: October 20, 2015

Chad Shank guest hosts the Shotclog Podcast. Don't Do Acid and Go to the BarDoug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. I appreciate it and anything helps stock the liquor shelf while Doug is away.Recorded Oct. 14, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with guest host Chad Shank ( @hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille ( @gregchaille). Intro by Bingo (@bingobingaman). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS -Closing Song, "New Jersey Valentine's Day Orphan Blues" from Mishka Shubaly's new album COWARD'S PATH. Available now at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

What did the starving clock do in the buffet? It went back four seconds. Wah, wah. This is Bingo all the way in Manchester, England. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast with guest host, Chad Shea. You know, I was talking to Gretchen the other day, and she was asking me about the podcast. People will reference stuff that I said on the podcast on Twitter,

and I have no idea what the fuck anybody's talking about. Wait, they're referencing things you said, and Gretchen's asking you because she doesn't understand? Sorry, my head's a little too fast. I'm not fucking putting words together right now. Or I'm too slow. I get messages from people on Twitter regarding things I've said on the podcast, and I have no fucking clue what anybody's talking about.

And it's bothered me because I just kind of say, I don't remember what I say on the podcast. And then I think everybody thought I was blackout drunk or something. Because I'm usually pretty fucking drunk. But I never thought about it. But Gretchen asked me about it the other day. And she was saying, how come you don't remember what you say on the podcast? And I told her, I think it's because I'm trying to pay attention to the moment of what Stanhope's saying and stuff.

And I don't log. I just talk. And then I't log. I just talk. And then I don't. I overanalyze everything else I say. The rest of the night, I'll fucking rehash what the fuck I said the next day. And be like, oh, I said that. We get the best of you, Chad. I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck I said. Don't start yet. So people. No, we haven't started. But it is interesting that people ask you things, and you don't recognize what they said you said on the podcast. Yeah, I don't remember my references. So what do you do?

You just tell them, I don't. I just don't respond to people. Because then I'd have to explain. And I never thought about it myself until the other day. I'm just curious. That probably would be your answer even if you knew what they were saying. Even if you recognized it, you don't often engage. That's true.

Sometimes I do know, I do remember what people are talking about, and I still usually don't respond. Unless I'm right there on, I don't know. Twitter's fun. It's interesting because it's like my only other social interaction with people besides here. So it's fun for me to... Whereas people might go to work and have interactions with people. Exactly.

It's not good for me. It's not healthy for me to have interactions. Today I had to go to court all day today. It's not healthy for you to... Well, it's not healthy for other people, probably. I had to go to court today for my daughter for some bullshit lying to a cop's charge or whatever. Okay. Anyway. For her lying to a cop.

For her, yeah. It was bullshit. But anyways, I had to go and deal with that today. So it was a stressful day. I couldn't smoke weed in the morning. I smoked weed in the morning. Oh, that's why. Yeah.

I told you I couldn't smoke weed in the morning. I smoked weed in the morning. Oh, that's why. Yeah. I told you I hadn't smoked weed. I smoked weed early in the morning, but then I can't go in. I have to talk to people. I can't be stoned or whatever. Well, you're going to a courthouse representing your daughter. I have to put on clothes that don't fit me right and talk to strangers. It's not what I'm used to out of my comfort zone. Yeah. But I did that. And then on my way home, before I came here, I was was gonna get a six pack of beer and uh to kick start you know being i didn't feel like coming over here yeah after doing that i go into the fucking store and the lady i i get beer and the jerky is on sale it says for six

something instead of eight something. Like right at the cash register there? No, no. It's over on the side where the jerky thing is. But it's a giant pop-out 3D sign that comes out. And I'm like, all right, I'm going to get beer. I'm going to get some jerky anyway. So I get jerky, and I go up there.

Chad, you've deserved it. You went all day without smoking a lot of weed. Or eating because I had no appetite because I didn't smoke any weed. It's a bad fucking day. I'm constantly worried while I'm in there that I'm going to fucking start shouting about how fucking injustice this...

And I did. I have before. My daughter's like, Dad, shh. Stop. So it's hard. So you've earned this liquor store treat. I needed some beer on the fucking dirt road home.

So I stop in, and like I said, I get jerky because it's on sale. I didn't even want to get jerky. But then I go to this lady, and she rings it up, and it rings up 8-something. And I said, it's 6-something, not 8-something on sale. She says, oh, you have to have the rewards card. Oh, like the... Convenience store rewards card, like you have at Safeway. Like at Safeway, yeah.

It's called Giant. So I, alright, give me the rewards card. There's a whole bucket of them sitting right there, so just give me one. And so she says, okay. And then looks at me and says, it's, you know, $15. And I said, no, I want the discount.

I want the thing. She says, well, I have to cancel it all out. Well, then fucking cancel it all out because I want to fucking get one of these cards now and do this thing. And I don't know why. I normally don't want to do that. But there's a guy behind me. So she wants to take the guy behind me. So I'm like, yeah, you can take the guy behind me. She takes the guy behind me.

Has to print out a whole thing. I have to fill out, put my personal information. Oh, yeah, yeah. My address and my phone number, which I didn't want to, but now I'm committed to it because I was fucking wanting to save $2, apparently. I'm not thinking rationally. This is what's fucked up. So then the lady rings all the stuff back up with my new thing

and gives me this exact same fucking total that she gave me before. And I said, no, I still didn't get the discount. And she goes, oh, no, I guess not. And I said, all right, but it says it's $6. Now this ringing up is $8, but it says it's $6. Now, this ringing up is $8, and it says it's $6. She fucking shrugs her shoulders at me. All right. No, you have to fucking fix it.

So I lose my shit over less than $2 now. I'm fucking, I know it. I'm already, this is why I hate me, because not only am I fucking being an asshole. I told her. She is why I hate me, because not only am I fucking being an asshole. I told her. She rolls her eyes at me, and so I step back, and I go, cancel it out again then, bitch. I said, you want to fucking be an asshole? I'll be an asshole too. Take this guy.

And then so I made her cancel my order out again. Again, yeah. And I fucking just stood there staring at her the entire time while she checks out the next guy and then she rings me up again and it's the same fucking total but i don't understand why it keeps coming up the same i didn't either is it because the card isn't giving the discount but she still doesn't care she still is not like going she's like well it's not doing it there's a sign there's a dumb now i'm yelling and i'm fucking pointing and i'm running around the store going it says right here

six fucking 99 i don't know and what's this what sucks about it is that i'm simultaneously aware that this is fucking ridiculous and that i shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help it. I'm still doing it because I'm now I'm angry about it. And then I'm aware, I'm still aware that some, I'm now I'm looking for the guy who's filming it too, because it's going to end up, I'm going to be the viral fucking asshole who went off over a dollar 49 on

jerky beef jerky guy. Yeah. I'll be fucking beef jerky guy. So I'm still aware enough to look for that guy so I can kick his ass and $1.49 on jerky. Beef jerky guy. Yeah, I'll be fucking beef jerky guy. So, I'm still aware enough to look for that guy so I can kick his ass and break his phone. I fucking hate him so fucking much.

The fucking lady, she brings another lady over finally and asks her to help me. And the other lady I guess had common sense because she just walked over there with me and said, it says fucking $6. And she went back over there with me and said it says fucking six dollars and she went back over and changed the price to six dollars but not before i made an ass of myself and fucking scared an old man i i don't know he had like fucking blood stains on

his shirt like he was the guy that went after me so he had like surgery or something oh like leaking through a shirt? Yeah, yeah. And again, there's still a part of me that feels bad like you're fucking making this old fucking man who had surgery and is bleeding uncomfortable, Chad. Stop doing this. But I don't stop doing it. I escalate it more. I think his weeping sutures were making him more uncomfortable.

It made me angrier. It's his fucking side of blood. She was an ornamental lady. I didn't get racist. I fucking thought I might. Jong. If you don't understand how fucking the cash register works, Jong, don't fucking work at the convenience store.

I love that it just kept coming up the same, and there's no other response other than, well, I guess we should void this sale. You'll have to go through the process of signing your name and everything again and then do it all over again and then void the sale again. I think what pissed me off was her response was to shrug her shoulders at me. Like, I don't know. I guess what I've realized at the same time right now

that I fucking still sound like a fucking idiot. I appreciate that. I fucking wish I could just run off a cliff. I would not want to be the guy behind you and watching that go down. I wouldn't reach for my phone to do anything unless I thought I was going to get serious. I already aggressively fucking stared down everybody else just so they wouldn't do that. It's horrible. I would probably leave or I'd say, no, no, go on.

You're first. Let's hash this out here. I have a bad history of this stuff. Yeah. When I was young, the first time I think this happened, I went to Napa. I had a water pump in my truck. Napa Auto Parts store. Napa Auto Parts store. Napa Auto Parts store.

A water pump in my truck went out. And I went in to buy a new water pump. And they said, do you have the old one? And I said, well, no, I haven't taken it out yet. And they said, oh, well, bring it in. We'll give you a core charge for it. It's $8. And I said, oh, if I bring the broken one in, you give me $8.

They said, all right. So I went and replaced my water pump, and I brought in the broken one. It was broken into two pieces. The shaft had broken one in. You give me $8. I said, alright. So I went and replaced my water pump and I brought in the broken one. It was broken into two pieces. The shaft had broken on it. They didn't specify that it could be broken. I handed it to them and they said, well, we can't take this. This is broken.

What the fuck? You told me bring back the broken one and you'll give me $8. That's immediately my response is to fucking become aggressive with them the guy i don't remember what he said and i leaned across the fucking counter and i punched him in the face and you would have thought that i came in with a gun everybody in the whole fucking store ran behind the counter and back in the aisles. Oh, like they trained for it.

Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, fuck. I didn't mean for that to happen. And I just left. I didn't get in trouble for it or anything. I just took off, and the cops never knew who I was. Napa seems like a place where you might run into an angry customer

that is willing to, like, I got nothing to lose, and that $8 court charge was promised to me. $8. I assaulted somebody for $8. Fucking what an asshole. So, we've started the Doug Steno

podcast. People wanted me to fucking tell them all my fucking idiot life. There it is. It's how I fucking live. So the podcast went out last week. Which one? Well, I'm talking like we're supposed to be in the future a little bit. I don't know how the fuck this works. All right, I got you.

Yeah. It was how. we're supposed to be in the future a little bit I don't know how the fuck this works alright I got you I only regret that we didn't get it out sooner but we had part one and part two of Electric Dave and Cedric and then now I wish we would have put yours out so we could at least see what the people were tweeting yeah I know

you might not want to put this one out by the time it comes out this sucks so bad don't do another one Yeah, I know. You might not put this one out by the time that it comes out. It sucked so bad. Don't do another one. Well, no, because people like you and they want to hear your stories. That's all we're doing. We're just running tape and seeing how it goes.

As evidenced, the two assault charges, or the one assault and the other. What would be the other? Just staring people down at the register, Chad. That would be it. It felt really criminal. I'll tell you right now. I felt... You felt criminal when you were doing it? Yeah, while I was doing it.

I was in charge of the entire convenience store, basically. They were allowed to shop and purchase because you let them. Everybody was afraid. And I could tell that. And like I said, I knew it. I knew I should stop. I didn't. Like escape from New York.

I hate me. Like you run the block. Ran the fuck out of that giant convenience store today. Don't give me $1.49 off my jerky bitch. I don't know if you wanted to talk about any of these things. I'll talk about whatever if you ask me. And then later, if I don't want you to talk about it, I'll ask you not to talk about any of these things, I'll talk about whatever, if you ask me. And then later, if I don't want you to talk about it,

I'll ask you not to put it. No. Well, we were talking the other day about, uh, some things to, uh, talk about on the podcast.

And you were, you were saying about the, uh, best father's day ever. Oh, when we got drunk after fucking, I don't remember when the fuck did we talk about that. That was a while ago.

A week ago? I mean, I don't know when it was, but you've got two kids, right? I have four kids. Four kids. They're all out of the house, basically, now. But the best Father's Day ever, I think it was... I don't remember. It was 2011, a few years ago.

Yeah. There was a giant fire in Sierra Vista, and it burned, I don't remember, 2011 is a few years ago. Yeah. There was a giant fire in Sierra Vista. And it burned, I don't know, 25,000 acres or something. It was huge. And they ended up evacuating tons of people. And they evacuated my whole neighborhood. And it was right on Father's Day. So it was fucking, it was almost like the apocalypse.

My whole family was living in a tent in a park somewhere. Really? Yeah. And I was at home with the fire. The fire came within a half a mile of my house. And I didn't think the fire would get that close because it was up on the mountain. So you're like, are you like in the foothills there? Off of. Like coming down off the mountain? Off of mountain. So are you like in the foothills there? Off of...

Like coming down off the mountain? Off of Carr, yeah, down off of the... I'm just trying to picture that area. It's kind of sparsely populated. You know, when you're coming off the Highway 92 right there, off the highway, there's the mountain on that side. I'm just off the other side of the highway down in the valley. So my view is the mountain.

But it's not like a tract of homes. Where I'm at? Yeah, the homes are kind of spaced out they're spaced out yeah yeah we have an acre and they're like all manufactured homes mobile homes i guess what people yeah we used to call them when i used to live in them growing up um i forgot what the fuck i was talking about oh i didn't think the fire was gonna come down that far but they've evacuated your family. Evacuated everybody in the area. So I'm the only one left in the neighborhood. And I don't want to leave because, yeah, I'm going to go stay in a fucking gym with a bunch of people.

That's not going to fucking work out. Sharing one toilet. Yeah. And I didn't know that they went and they took, they had tents, you know, we have tents and shit. So they went and found a spot at the baseball field and just set up a tent. But there was still a bunch of people doing that. It was like a whole camp of fucking homeless people. Like a thousand people?

I don't know. I don't remember how many they evacuated. But yeah, I mean, they evacuated a couple thousand people probably. And I didn't think the fire would come down close enough to my house. I didn't want to leave. And I didn't think the fire would come down close enough to my house. I didn't want to leave. But I was afraid that the wind would drift down embers and stuff from the fire and catch my fucking house on fire. So I wanted to stay home.

And I had ladders. And I kept running up and down the fucking ladders. I had a hose on the roof. And I had a hose on the ground. And I just kept everything wet. So you had electricity. For a little while um i had to fill up uh i just filled up bathtubs i filled up every tote like fucking thing i could

find buckets with water like storage totes yeah storage dump the shit out storage totes i just dump shit out and fill them with water and then i had a generator so that i could run my swamp cooler to just keep the smoke pushed through the house. Because it was fucking mad. You couldn't even see. While I was on my roof wetting everything down, I could hear propane tanks exploding right down the road. But again, I loved it.

It was fucking the first time. I enjoyed it. I had a purpose when I woke up. There was nobody around. I'd wake up. Father's Day, I woke up, was nobody around i'd wake up father's day i woke up went outside my underwear climbed the ladder onto the roof to see because i had my ladder set up out the back doors i could see the progress of the fire where things were taking a piss off the fucking roof i like this just because you can yeah there's nobody around there's no neighbors no dogs barking

anywhere everybody was gone. One fucking asshole family left their dogs kenneled in. They're kenneling to evacuate it. Did you get involved? No. I went down because I used my buckets of water for flushing the toilet and stuff. It was like a week or so that everybody was evacuated. You were at your house for a week while everyone else was gone.

Did you ever leave? I couldn't leave because they had patrols and roadblocks and stuff. Basically, they came and tried to force me off my property. The sheriff's came and told me I had to leave and I told them they could fuck off and come and get me because I knew they couldn't. They said,

well, alright, you're right. We can't make you come on your, come off your property. But if you do come off your property, then we can arrest you. Cause this is a, you know, and that was the other thing that I was worried about was that. And it sure enough,

there was a lot of people driving around cause I was, people will fuck them. Yeah. People will take my shit. So I'm not leaving. Yeah. But mainly it was cause I don't want to be around any people. Hey, vacation almost. not leaving. Yeah. Mainly it was because I didn't want to be around any people. Vacation almost.

It was fucking fantastic. It was the best fucking Father's Day I ever had. I don't know. And the family, they just stayed put. I guess you were in a position to where it was legitimate enough that you were watching the property. Yeah. And you couldn't leave. Yeah.. Yeah. And you couldn't leave.

Yeah. Because the cops said you couldn't leave. They had to be there. They couldn't come in. Nope. This is really something maybe we could monetize. We could turn this into something like a vacation for a Father's Day retreat. A firestorm Father's Day retreat.

We will stage a full evacuation for your Father's Day retreat. We will stage a full evacuation for your Father's Day escape. This is what you get in the platinum package. We'll have helicopter flybys. Your family will be evacuated to a camp, and it will have high enough security fences

that they can't see through, so they won't even know what's going on. It was realistic. I felt like it was ap through, so they won't even know what's going on. It was realistic. I felt like it was apocalyptic, so there was nobody anywhere. When I ran out of water buckets to flush the toilet, I went down and found people who had pools down the road. That's how I found the dogs that were penned up, so I knew that I would let them out if a fire came down that far so they could at least fucking run.

I don't know what the fuck else. I was filling up buckets from people's pools to flush my toilet while I was relaxing luxury, my generator. How did the best father's day ever? And I don't remember much of, it was all pretty monotonous. I just really enjoyed it because I felt like I had a purpose.

I think that was, I think it was the main thing. And I fucking kept the place from burning down, and I fucking didn't have to deal with anybody. I remember sleeping. Okay, I'll tell you, at least one of the days it ended with me, I slept on the floor of the house with a wet washcloth over my fucking mouth and nose because the smoke was so thick.

So you're on the floor. Going through. Yeah. Because that was the best spot to be. And then it was still smoky. So I put a wet washcloth so that I could somewhat filter it out. Yeah. And then fall asleep in the choking smoke of a forest fire.

I loved every minute of it. You know, Chad, maybe in a different time, you would have been a great lighthouse operator. Purpose? Solitude? I don't disagree. That would be good. Get a little internet connection?

Some Hulu? I'd probably have to go and hunt up some water to flush my toilet. You're in the lighthouse. You've got all the water you want. You just can't drink it. Anyways. That's a story about what a horrible father I am.

My best Father's Day was when none of my family was around. But you did get what you wanted for Father's Day. Get what I want most days, I guess. I'm a dick like that. You know, we went to that outside inn restaurant the other day. How was it?

It was surprisingly nicer than I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be like a sports bar with a menu with steak and chicken. Oh, really? What were the prices like on the menu? I never looked at that. Oh, I don't remember.

We didn't eat there, but I felt like we went in to get a glass of wine. Yeah. Because it's on the outskirts between Hereford and Sierra Vista. Yeah, I know where it is. And it's a place – I have this theory that a friend of mine turned me on to that if you drive by something for years and you see that same business and there's never, it's never a for sale or for lease or going out of business, they must be doing something right. And that, that outside in has been there forever. And we walked in and there's,

you know, there's employees waiting to, you know, take you to your table and they, they, they're dressed nice. And I'm all of a sudden realizing I'm wearing cut-off cargo pants and a T-shirt, and maybe I should have been coming through the service entrance. But as soon as I walked in, I'm like, well, I can't leave without getting a glass of wine. That's what we want to do. Then I sit down, and's like a tablecloth and

polished silverware and stuff. I'm like, what the... I'll take the menu. They could have just walked out. They don't know who the fuck I am. But then I thought, well, we'll give it a shot. And we had nice appetizers and a glass of wine and that was it.

That's like a weird place to have a restaurant. A place that's been there for a long time, like you said. And I've known, they used to take only reservations. I've never been there, but I researched it for a while, whenever, a long time ago. You live in that area. I live, yeah, behind there.

There's just a bunch of dirt roads behind there. Like you said, it's off the highway, kind of setback. And then right behind it, it just goes into dirt roads with trailers on them, basically. They used to only take reservations. A lot of doctors and real prominent people

were known to go there. I had a plan at one time to... I knew when the end time for reservations were, so I knew when the end time for reservations were, so I knew when the last person was going in. Cut off would be like an hour before they closed. Right.

So there would be no more people coming in, and I was going to go in and arm rob that place. I wasn't going to. I just set up a plan in case I needed to. You had a caper plan. A job, see? I was waiting for some other stuff

to pan out, and if that didn't pan out, I was going to need money, so that was the... Plan C. Exactly. To go to South America. Well, I don't ever have to leave. We live right on the border. I can always just tax people coming across. I have nothing but time on my hands, so I can just scout

when people come across and then just tax them and then just make money that way. But I don't need to do that. So the plan for the... The outside in? The outside in. Was it just a stick-em-up job? Basically.

Or was it going to be back to the safe? Or was it just the employees? Well, that was the beauty of it, was that I had no worries of people coming in behind me. I could do it alone, which is essential to do anything like that. You can get fucking ratted out. And I wouldn't have to worry. I could round everybody up into one area. Not only could I get the take on the restaurant itself,

but the clientele was all high-end, so I could rob the clientele as well. I have a Tech 22. It's an inter-tech. What's that? It's a pistol. A long time ago, a lot of rap music, they used to talk about a Tech 9.

This is a Tech, but it's a Tech 22. It's a 22 rifle, but it looks like a machine gun. It's the most intimidating weapon I have. So I was going to use that, even though it's just a 22. A lot of flash. Oh, it looks bad. But it's just a 22. Yeah, it's just a 22.

So this is an armed caper. Oh, completely armed, yeah. Because you don't want the dishwasher coming out with a cleaver. You've got to be able to back him up. Yeah, yeah. you got to be able to, uh, back him up. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be able to get everybody rounded up into one area right away. Uh,

I don't, I don't want to give the whole thing away. I might have to do it still. It's, I don't know. It might be playing down the list. Yeah. It's,

it's, I got a new, I don't know. And then, and then after that, I mean that, I mean, you live right next door. What was going to be the plan? Well, I live within a five-mile radius of there. Yeah. So over the back fence, there's just a shitload of residential places

where nobody would ever even recognize they'd stop a lot of places before they ended up at your place I'd already be long gone and that was to where? what was the plan? you were leaving town?

no I was going to go back home I'd be long gone over there I just needed some money I have stuff planned out I just needed some money. I mean, I just needed, I have stuff planned out. I just needed some money to make some bills if some stuff didn't work out. So it worked out, so I didn't have to do that. You got some ambition. I'm just not against doing whatever's necessary, I guess.

Well, you did have a plan. That's more than most... Some of the crime you see on TV, it's like, wow, you weren't even thinking. Or, you know, it's a spur-of-the-moment thing. Off the cuff. Yeah, no, no, this was definitely... I don't want to get caught doing shit.

Yeah. I'm not prison material. Well, tell you what, by the looks of it, those days are gone at the old outside inn. There was us. Yeah, I don't want to be

fucking robbing guys in cutoffs drinking wine at the bar. Wine and appetizers because I didn't want to commit to a meal. And the only other couple in there were,

I'd say seventies, but they're probably upper seventies. And he was retching into a handkerchief the whole fucking time. And I'm pretty sure out of, out of them, you might've got a, I don't know, fucking nitroglycerine tablet.

They're, yeah, they're a group on thing. fucking nitroglycerine tablet. They were paying for the Groupon. Yeah, they were paying for the Groupon thing. It doesn't sound like I would have had to shoot them at least. They wouldn't have fought back. No, no, no, no, no. You could have pushed them over. Good deal.

But yeah, there was definitely, maybe, yeah, you'd have to stake it out again to make sure that the glitterati of Syravista are still frequenting. Yeah, those days are past me now. I'd have to rob a Buffalo Wild Wings or something now. Oh, yeah, like the Texas Roadhouse down the road. Yeah, exactly. Things have changed in Sierra Vista.

Hey, I'm just kidding. I would never rob anybody, armed or otherwise. I don't understand. We wrote that skit. Yeah. We should just take a break. Then I can trick you into talking again. Yeah, this is not going as smooth as the last time, I think.

Maybe I'm more sober. Oh, don't worry about what's happening. No, actually, I'm not. My over-analytical self actually just finds myself feeling bad for you for having to edit all this shit later on. I'm like, oh, you're fucking making Chaley have to do extra work, you fucking dick. My packed days. So, hey, why don't we take a break, and we'll be right back after this.

We're going to take a break and smoke a bowl because this weed that I have makes me cough a lot, and I don't want to cough in the microphone. So we're going to take a break while I smoke this bowl. Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee, and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here, the rule still stands. If you're coming to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell

if it's available and I will step away from my book and come have a beer with you. Even Ichabod says, yay on the Shady Dell. The ShadyDell.com. The ShadyDell.com. TheShadyDell.com.

It's a vintage trailer park. Trailer's done to the nines just like it's 1958. You're going to love it. I will come down. I'll have cocktails with you. Maybe we burn a steak. I don't know. But stay there.

If you're in town and I'm in town, I will see you there. And now back to the podcast already in drudgery. And now back to the podcast already in drudgery. We're back to the Doug Stanhope Shot Clock Podcast. I have smoked a bowl of some great weed that a hippie grew in his yard. And I like it. Thank you, hippie. I'm starting to get a buzz shaley yeah yeah on the uh i didn't pay for it

you're uh you're adhering to the new uh name of the podcast i'm gonna i'm shot clogging it up with my free buzz hey what are they what are you what are people tweeting you regarding you hosting or whatever they're talking about? People were very supportive, and then people started getting angry because there has not been a podcast, and they think that I just didn't do it. Yeah, I got that from Mishka Shibale, too. Yeah, and I don't respond really. I responded maybe once or twice and just said pretty soon so that people will know that at least i've tried yeah but because they started being more like

hey well fuck you what the fuck is the matter with you yeah like the tone has changed from supportive to fucking like demanding angry fucking i like it i like yeah a lot of people want to know if i do mushrooms on the podcast i get a lot of mushroom requests yeah that that time you did it uh at the podcast you were what did you say you uh it's hard to do this through a smile oh yeah it's hard to read through a grin. Somebody tweeted that. I don't remember it. It was fun. I like mushrooms. Mushrooms are one of my favorites.

Yeah, maybe we'll do that before your guest spot run is up. All right, I'm up for it. I'm up for it just a little bit. I like mushrooms. Mushrooms are one of my favorite drugs. When I was in the Army, we did a lot of acid. Is it because they can't test for that? Yeah, it doesn't show up in the urine at all. But don't you have guns?

Well, not while you're doing the acid. Well, I mean, where are you when you're doing acid when you're in the Army? I've done it. Are you on base? I've done it on base several times, either at people's house or in the barracks. So aren't there guns there? The guns are all locked up in an armory. Okay. Yeah, you can't

get at the guns. Yeah. But I mean, yeah, it's fucking acid. You're not going to lose your mind. You don't. Well, I don't... You might not lose your mind, but how do you know the guy around you, some of the other guys around you, might just get a little crazy? Well, and yeah, to be fair, how do I know I might not lose my mind? That's do you know the guy around you, some of the other guys around you might just get a little crazy? Well, and yeah, to be fair, how do I know I might not lose my mind?

That's true, too. I don't know. But acid was always one of the fucking drugs I liked. We would do it camping. One of the worst fucking times I did it, I worked 12 hours in a copper mine not on acid but i worked 12 hours a 12-hour shift and i got off work and i took like i don't know probably i think it's like three or four hits of acid would you like working inside the side of a mountain

mine like that uh no on top of mountain, like in a smelter. Okay. But it's hard work. Oh, it's fucking incredibly hard. Okay, so after a 12-hour shift of hard labor, you decided you would take three hits of acid. And go to the bar. I have no fucking idea why.

By myself. There's nobody with me. I don't know what the fuck possessed me to do any of this i just remember going there and i was i was holding a beer in my hand and i i tried to be care i had i remember trying to be careful not to squeeze it too tight because i felt like i would smash it like the hulk yeah sometimes i get that feeling feeling, even not on acid, and maybe it's a, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I was going to say. You hold a baseball.

If you play baseball when you're a kid, I'll hold a baseball as an adult, and it'll kind of fucking flash back because it feels so tiny than what I was used to as a kid. And it felt like it was tiny in my hand. It's like a muscle memory. You remember it being much bigger in your hand and now you've grown. I remember relating to that when I was on acid. So the beer, I was very careful not to smash the fucking beer because it was tiny in my hand.

And then I realized that my shoulders i was hunching my shoulders so that i wouldn't uh they wouldn't brush the ceiling because i i felt like i was a giant in the bar and uh a guy a guy that i knew came over and he was probably i don't know six six it was guys gigantic guy and he's like how are you doing and i was probably, I don't know, 6'6". This guy's a gigantic guy. And he's like, how are you doing? And I was telling him I dropped acid. And he's like, well, how are you feeling? And I kept telling him, I feel huge.

And he'd laugh. Yeah, I feel huge. I just kept repeating it. And he says, do you feel bigger than me? And I said, yeah, I feel bigger than you. And he says, you shouldn't be at the fucking bar. And I realized that that was probably true. I probably should not be.

I should have never went to the fucking bar. What's the matter with me? So I went to leave. And when I pushed in the clutch on my truck, the slave cylinder underneath blew out. So the clutch stuck on the floor. Yeah. Had no clutch. So I had to put it in second gear and start it, like coast it down a little hill. That's not going to stop you.

What else was I going to do? I need to go. Now I was focused on I need to be home. The strength of your super leg had just crushed the clutch. That was not lost on me, trust me. Neither was it that I was able to just with one foot

flintstone the vehicle in second gear and start it. You push started it with your left foot out the door. Put it in second gear, cranked the key and push started it with my left foot out the door and got it started. The downside of that was now I'm fucking driving on acid and I can't stop at stop signs or anything.

And you can barely fit in the cab of your truck. I'm afraid I'm going to bust the windows out the whole time. There goes the win-win. It was an experience for sure. I took back roads. I knew back roads almost all the way home. I did see two cops park side-by-side talking to each other.

And I'm at one of the stop signs that I had to fucking let my truck just almost die in second gear. You can't stop. I can make it look like I'm coming to a stop the best I can, and then I have to floor it again. I had to do fucking 25 in the 45 all the way fucking home.

Did you ever consider maybe just stopping and carrying the vehicle home? No. In hindsight, it's 2020, sir. That would have been smarter, way smarter had I just carried it. I can't think of everything at the time. That was fucking bad. I'm going to do acid and go to the bar. You're exhausted.

I don't know. It's a combination. I attribute it to you. But it may be like tater tots making me throw up. I don't know. It may not have been a combination. It may have just been the acid. It's probably the acid.

Yeah, I think so. You're probably right. Or maybe the chemicals in copper mining. Maybe it was that. I mean, let's not lose sight of the fact that you just did a 12-hour shift in a copper mine where they're using pretty caustic, nasty chemicals to leach out the payload, right?

Yeah, I used to have to wear a respirator and a fucking suit and you'd tape every area shut around your boots and around your wrists, around your gloves, and even still, you'd go take a shower after your shift and you'd just blow

black snot out. The acid probably kept you sane. It kept you even, man. I don't think I've been sane for a long time. I don't know why the fuck I would. Why would I decide that's a good idea? I just got off work. I'm going to relax and take some Hitz acid and go to the fucking bar.

But live and learn. Don't do that but i will do a couple of fucking caps and stems while i hang out here and people oh people want police beat too but police beat to me seems weird if doug's not here because doug's the one who fucking makes funny commentary on it otherwise i'm just fucking reading it like a fucking asshole. So, I don't know how to do that. We'll figure it out. Alright, that sounds good. But other than that, that's what it is.

You got into the acid one. I didn't think you were going to do that. That's great. You went into the fucking other deal, so I went that way. Yeah. Alright. I can roll. Yeah. I'm just trying to figure out how to get into shoplifting. Yeah, I don't know now.

I thought the same thing too. But I can put in a funny sound effect. How did you end up at a copper mine? Where I live, that's basically the main job. That's all there was. That's it?

Yeah. Was it Globe? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Globe is Bisbee without any tourism. Oh. And with an active copper mine.

To this day, it's still running? Yeah. You guys should take a road trip up there. There's a fucking casino right there, Indian Casino right there. But Globe is a fucking horrible place there's no the collective consciousness if you believe in such oh yeah i've been to florida of globe is like it's busy there's bars you walk out of one bar walk into another bar yeah yeah that's a it's a it's a weird place so i grew, that's why I grew up fighting a lot.

There was a lot of fights and stuff. That's similar to the petroleum industry bringing in all these people up into Anchorage. And they would fly in and they would have to be completely sober going up to do their shift two weeks on. And then when they got done, they had a shitload of cash, and they'd end up in Kenai or Soldotna. There was a little community airport there. And they had basically in this one part of town, they had three bars. It was a weird kind of a roundabout without the thing in the center, right?

So these three bars were across the street from each other. It's like a Y, right? And these guys would go from one bar until they got kicked out to the next bar, to the next bar. And this is in Alaska. They didn't even have doors, proper doors. They had like saloon doors, the ones on hinges. Then when the cowboy comes in, he pushes through.

That's what they had on the front. Because there were so many people coming and going. It was just great. Guys would be asleep underneath the pool tables. I know that we've talked about this maybe drunk, or maybe I've just thought about it drunk and fucking not. But in the early 80s i lived in alaska my dad was a uh uh bouncer at chocuts was he really so that was and and it was yeah it was during the time like you're saying

that it was fucking wild as shit even in the early 80s i was a little kid yeah i remember him having handcuffs singing from his fucking bed for work, you know? Yeah, yeah. It was a rough time. Oh, that was when the pipeline money was still rolling through there. Yep. Yeah. That's what built that bar.

Yeah, that place was cool. I was there whenever I was. I was stationed in Fort Wainwright, Alaska for three years. Then I got to go to Anchorage a couple of times. A big city. Yeah. Long distance. Yeah, I love Alaska. Why was your dad up there just to work there?

How did he end up there? When I was a little kid, let's see. Yeah, the first time when I was younger than that, he went up there to work in a man camp, a gold mine. He went up there and worked, I don't know, half the year. And then we'd come back home. And he did that for a few years. And then he liked the place.

So then he ended up, I think I was like in kindergarten when we moved up to Anchorage and he worked at Chill Coots. So when you guys went up there, was that his off time that he was working at Coots? I think that was his main job at that time. It seems weird to go up there so many times panning for gold or working in a man camp. But I think he had banked up a fuckload of money doing that

over a few seasons. And then he needed something just to fucking stay busy. And probably just to fucking party with his fucking friends. Well, no better place to work than the place where the party's at. Especially if your dad was anything like you. That's what I say.

I kind of come by it honestly. I mean, yeah, just voluntarily go fucking bounce at fucking coots is pretty rough. I could probably get you in on an internship. We'd have to maybe fudge some college credit stuff, but they'll probably be able to take you in. I've got an associate's degree in business management. And a minor in wrapping knuckles. Collections and assault.

Is that a certificate or a degree? Yeah, the bouncing game has changed quite a bit back from when your old man was there. I think I would like to think that I would be good as security or a bouncer or something. For somebody else, I could be professional and keep my head about me. Realistically, that's probably not that true, but cognitive dissonance and all that stuff. Well, hopefully a lot of that stuff is diffused just by you standing there looking like you can handle the situation. you standing there looking like you can handle the situation but they're especially up in alaska i've seen things happen that shouldn't have happened because guys were just drunk and just

got like you're not you're not telling me what to do i'll hit her if i want i brought her in here i can knock her down you know that's yeah what are you gonna do there that guy's that guy's fucking crazy he's going he's going to fight everyone here until he's arrested yeah yeah sometimes i think i've gotten in fights people would tell me well people single you out because you look like the fucking guy in the bar that wants to fight yeah that's not always fucking true i was in the last one of the last bar fights i was in there was a guy with i was with that was like 6'7", fucking big as a refrigerator. That guy was fucking gigantic. And then a guy who's in between, he's bigger than me, but he's not as big as that guy,

comes and starts a fucking fight with me. I'm like, that guy is the one you want. Everybody's fucking theory says it's that guy. I'm sitting here drinking a beer. What's the theory? Is it the biggest guy? Or the guy who, right, I don't know. I think maybe it might be a vibe thing.

Could be. But I was definitely just chilling drinking beer until he fucking came over and asked me. We had a problem. Want to step outside and take care of it? He said, it was funny, he said, do we have a fucking problem?

He came over real close to me. First he slammed into me and he walked by me. And I looked over at him. Like a crowded room shove kind of thing. But it was really aggressive. And then he maintained eye contact as he walked all the way down to the fucking end of the bar. And then picked up his beer, drank his beer while maintaining eye contact.

And then set his beer down and then walked back over to me. Like looking at you. Right. And then, yeah, I know I was looking at him the whole time too, but he fucking slammed into me and then was staring. So then he walked back over to me and he fucking came up real close and he said, do we have a fucking problem? And I already knew we did at that point or else he wouldn't have fucking came over.

So my head was already to the side of his, and I said, I guess we do. I said, do you want to do it in here or do you want to go outside? And he leaned forward closer and said, what? And I just unleashed a fucking right hook in the side of his head and knocked him fucking flat. But he was fucking big and strong, but he was shorter than me. He came right back at me and grabbed a hold of me and tried to hit me, and I got a hold of him, and we both ended up with our backs against the bar.

And I have long reach, so I was able to jump over, punch him in the face, and lean back without getting punched in the face. So you'd throw one quick punch, and then you'd push yourself back. So you were both flat against the bar. We were both flat back against the bar, and then I would basically just leap over and fucking punch him in the face and then immediately leap back without letting go of you know my straight arm so he couldn't punch me we call that the grasshopper is that what that one is i call it

the fucking i don't like to get punched in the face and then the bartender came and whispered in my ear chad i had to call the cops and i, if this big motherfucker will let me go, I will leave. And the crowd came in between us and pushed us apart, and I fucking left. But that was one of the last bar fights I got into. I got a bunch of fight stories. Fight stories. No, we're just talking. All right.

It's funny, because up until when he said what, it was almost like that could be the story at a gay bar. Like he's looking at me, I'm looking at him. He comes up and brushes against me. This guy had on a tank top and was really muscular, and in hindsight, I may have misread the entire situation. This guy thinks he's going to get to suck your dick and you'll keep punching him

with a grasshopper to the face. I don't know. My friend told me this place was easy. I know. Gives a whole new meaning to the vibe you were talking about earlier. I don't know what kind of vibe I was putting up. Just because you put a vibe out doesn't mean people read it right. Hey, I'll tell you what.

If I'm at the bar, I probably had a I want my dick sucked vibe. I didn't really fucking specify that I wanted a chick probably, but I wasn't thinking about that. All right, so we'll take a break and get a beer and take a piss hey uk merch is on sale where in the uk no just on the website can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the uk but you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com and posters. We have, oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too? We got posters. We have t-shirts.

We have everything you need to go out in public naked. A poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. And go to DougStanhope.com and look for the merchandise page, My World Tour, asterisk, places that speak English that will still book me. Yeah. Where did you grow up?

Globe, Arizona. That's where you... Until you went to Alaska, that's where you... Until I was 17 years old, I grew up between Globe and Miami. I went to... My mom had basically the same kind of shit that I have, so she was fucked up. So I moved three to four times a year. A year? On average.

Because of her? She just would move. Oh. As a kid, I thought that it was because we couldn't afford where we were anymore, and we had to move somewhere cheaper because i didn't understand how things worked i didn't understand that it's fucking expensive as shit to move to move yeah yeah so i didn't know we just moved i lived i lived in every trailer park in that both of those towns which is a lot of them. I lived in the same trailer park in three different trailers at different times.

In what city? In Globe, Arizona, I think. It's in between there, I think, on that trailer park. How did you get to Miami? Miami is right next to Globe. Oh, Miami, Arizona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

You understand when you say miami i think you mean florida oh yeah that was fucking confusing i'm sorry that was retarded i should right next to globe arizona is a mining town globe arizona and miami arizona they're just fucking little it's bisbee you go there the houses are built on the side of the hills like fucking nobody gave a fuck because they weren't going to be there in three months. And then now people will buy them. It's the same thing there. Fences are made out of fucking leftover mining materials.

But yeah, it was, like I said, I lived everywhere in that town. I lived in three different trailer parks. Or not three different trailer parks. Not three different trailer parks. Three different trailers. A bunch of different trailer parks, but three different trailers in the one fucking trailer park. The trailer park growing up was fucking... I'm sorry.

We had all kinds of crazy shit we would do. My mom would let me fucking drive her truck as long as I didn't leave the trailer park when I was a little kid. So the courtyard. It was big, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, there's paved streets. Yeah, and there's speed bumps. It's like five miles an hour. So she was cool.

But I was like 11 fucking years old, 12 years old, I think. And she would let me drive the truck as long as I didn't leave the trailer park. as old, 12 years old, I think. She would let me drive the truck as long as I didn't leave the trailer park. So imagine I was fucking badass amongst the trailer park fucking youth. We would go over. That could be a rough crowd.

Real rough. Now you got wheels. I've always been the upper. I don't know if I told you I was ranting about something a while back and my daughter told me, Dad, why don't you if I told you I was ranting about something a while back, and my daughter told me, Dad, why don't you just start a cult? I told her, start one?

I joined one. I'm already like a general. What are you talking about? Anyways, that was non-psychotic. I'll go back to the... So you're driving around at 12 years old? Yeah, I was we drive around we drive over we would drive over to the pool and fucking check out everybody hanging out at the pool and then we drove we drive over to the candy lady's house the candy lady the candy lady had uh i don't like i guess maybe she would go to costco or

something we didn't know at that time what the fuck that was. But apparently people could buy candy in fucking bulk, the same as their stores, and sell it cheap as fuck. So she did that. You could go knock on her door. She'd open it up, and she had fucking big. Like a display? Yeah, big hunks and fucking nerds and whatever.

And it was half the price that you could walk to the convenience store. No overhead for her. It's her home. Had to deal with little kids banging on her door fucking all the time wanting to buy candy. Candy lady. I didn't think it was weird until I got older and then I was like, that was fucking

kind of weird. She had no business license. What the fuck? Well, and I guess it's just a different time too because now you i guess i wouldn't want my kids going to fucking some strange fucking person's house in the neighborhood buying candy out their fucking back door so i don't know it's different times i guess i became the uh i became the the baseball card guy that was in the trailer park. I was like the candy lady.

Were you taking her business? She didn't sell baseball cards. She only sold candy. You noticed a niche in the marketplace. Well, it started off because a guy that I knew was good at shoplifting, and I'd never know about shoplifting before he introduced me to it. And he went into Walmart and shoplifted bolt cutters, put them down his pants, the handles down his pants,

put his shirt over the top part, went out into the lobby, and cut the lock off the back of a fucking Street Fighter game or whatever was there. A little game room? Yeah. Just looted all the fucking money out and racked up free credit so we could play. I was like, holy fuck. People don't even pay attention to what the fuck you do.

So then I stole a Walkman. I started stealing fucking shoplifting shit. And that lasted for a little bit. I would shoplift cassettes and stuff mainly for my Walkman. But the other thing was baseball cards. I collected baseball cards. So I was fucking saving up money to pay a dollar or whatever for baseball cards. And then I realized after that, this motherfucker put bolt cutters down his pants.

Surely I can get out of here with a few baseball card packs. So I stole baseball cards for a while and then it occurred to me the candy lady inspired me that i could sell baseball cards start your own home business yeah work from home i could build up a surplus of baseball cards and then sell them out of there but then it was the wax packs you could just open them up and look through and take out the good cards that you needed and put them in with cards that you already had. The duds. And then put a... Well, I tried not to be too much of a dick.

I didn't always do duds. I put in good ones that I had doubles of. But yeah, sometimes you put in a dud. Then you put a dab of super glue and put the wax pack back together. Resell it. Yeah, you can sell dud baseball cards for half price. No overhead, like you said. Was there gum in there?

I never stole the gum. You always kept the gum? Integrity is important in business. Not to mention it looks like kind of a rip. Yeah. When there's way more glue holding the back of this whack bag. You don't want to arouse suspicion with the local

trailer park children regarding their bootleg baseball cards. Sorry if anybody listens that I sold shitty baseball cards. Those duds are probably worth something now. No? Probably now. No? Probably not.

Shoplifting was fucking key all the way through whenever I got into high school. I had a friend who would go into Walmart and shoplift Polaroid film. The Pax. The Pax Polaroid instant camera film because Yeah, yeah. Because it was expensive as fuck. Still expensive. But it was easy to steal because it was small. Didn't they have them behind a rack or something? Eventually they did, but for a long time they didn't because that was the racket.

And eventually they stopped giving us cash and made us have store credit, too. Oh, you were bringing them back? He would steal them, and then one of us would go in. My grandma bought me this film for my birthday, but it doesn't fit my camera. And they would just give you cash, and then we would go and get booze. How did you get the booze? You weren't 21 doing this scam. We lived next to, usually, well, people would have buyers.

You know how that goes. Shoulder tap or like a brother, an older brother, older sister? A lot of times it was somebody would know somebody, but we also lived next to the Indian Reservation, San Carlos Indian Reservation. So there was a bar on the outskirts of town because they're not allowed to have bars on the reservation. Yeah, or liquor on property.

So they would all migrate up and they would get fucked up and then they would just go pass out in the trees and shit behind there. So you could always just go over and, right, hey, mister. Right. Just, hey, we'll buy you a 40 if you buy us a case. And they would go and do it. Did they ever figure that they could keep the case and give you the 40? It was always a risky fucking situation going in because we knew, right,

we were just kids. There's always a risky fucking situation going in because we knew, right, we were just kids. And one time I had me and three of us. My friend parked in the car wash next door and two of us went over. Well, the one that was with me was not known for backing himself up in fights. So I told him, listen, if shit goes down, you have to fucking help me out. You can't, you know, you can't puss out. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh, I got you.

I got you, man. I got you back. So we go over, and there was three guys. One was really tall with a big basketball head. One was short and fat, and one was medium and skinny. It was three of them. And they walked up, and the big basketball head guy uh you know we asked him to get you know buy us some booze and stuff and he just looks at me and he says uh

you got any cigarettes and i go no man i don't fucking smoke i don't have any cigarettes and he says and these guys are all just fucking obliterated out of their minds are these uh they're apache indians which are not fucking known for handling their alcohol well throughout history so these guys are fucking loose cannons so like i said it's a chance so he says uh and i said i don't have any cigarettes i don't smoke and he says you got any joints and i told him i don't i don't have any joints man i don't have shit and he says and he i could just see him getting agitated and he's breathing and he says uh you got any matches and about that time i saw him make a fist with his right hand like he's breathing through his nose agitated and he makes a fist.

And I was like, fuck it, I'm not even waiting. And I just leaped into the air and fucking hit him as hard as I could right between the eyes. Yeah. And he dropped instantly. Just fell like a limp fucking noodle. And I was like, fuck, right on. That was fucking easy in my head. And then there's these other fucking fat and fucking skinny Abbott and Costello

fucking Indian guys still looking at me. I turn around, and my chicken shit friend is fucking 15 feet behind me running the other way. And I didn't bother with the other two guys. I just went ahead, and we didn't have anything invested. We didn't give any money or anything. So I just fucking chalked it up to... You dropped the tall guy.

That should have been a... Shocked the fuck out of me, but I was still afraid he might get back up and then you don't know if he was fucked up. Yeah. So I don't know if the other two guys are more sober. Two against one is never good. No, no.

I'm not afraid to run. It's just not your first instinct like your friend. Well, yeah, it's an option, but that's not the first one. So, yeah, that was. I mean, being that close to liquor and then that close to people who, let's face it, how much trouble are they going to get in buying booze for underage when they're that close to the reservation, right? Well, and it was dangerous for them, too. Like, rolling Indians was a common term there.

Oh, really? And people would go there on their paydays. They knew when their paydays were. High school kids would go there when they knew they were fucked up and just beat the fuck out of them and rob them. Oh, wow. It was called Rolling Indians. So it made it really... Everyone was

afraid of everyone on some level. Yeah. We wanted booze. Yeah. Well, that's the market. That's the way that works. You guys, you have a distrust and a need for each other. Just enough. Yeah. You don't want to roll the guys because they might be the ones that can only buy for you next time.

Yeah. So it kind of keeps it kind of safe. Yeah. It was a delicate, fragile ecosystem. Yeah. yeah it was a it was a delicate uh fragile ecosystem i guess that wraps up what we're doing my guest host uh stint number two uh hit me up at hd fatty on twitter i guess if you want to uh to uh say anything have questions everybody's really nice to me chaley nobody's been mean

i find that suspicious everybody's very fucking hateful on twitter like it's a trick yeah yeah setting up well there's i'm paranoid sometimes yeah sometimes that's a factor literally somebody fucking be a dick to me a little bit or something so i can fucking balance this shit out. I don't care. So people can get in touch with you on Twitter at HDFatty. At HDFatty. And Stanhope's still

on tour in the UK. When does he come back, Shaley? The end of, what, beginning of November. So we've got a couple more shows to do here. A couple more podcasts. You can always go to pick up UK merch. That's the only way we're selling it is online at DougStanhope.com. Well, I guess that wraps it up then.

Thank you, guys. And we'll go out with another of Mishka Shubali's songs off of Coward's Path, available at DougStanhope.com. Here is New Jersey Valentine's day. Orphan blues. Well, you sure got a big mouth and you know how to use it. We're screaming and howling and swearing and sobbing and boozing.

and sobbing and boozing But lay down your weapons We're ready to give in to your demands The getaway car's packed with cocaine and whiskey and a battered tin can Happiness is as dull as it seems And the company loves misery You'd be happier being unhappy like me Cause I'll be cutting my milk chocolate heart out

Just for you. The girl with the New Jersey Valentine's Day orphan blues. Thank you. Well, I always do the right thing when I've run out of wrong things to do. But God, everybody's made a few mistakes. Everybody's buried a body or two or three You said with your hatred in my hangovers That we'd bring the world to its knees I'll pull my head out of the toilet

Long enough to say that I disagree Me with my black market net And you with your tremors and hits Who's gonna look after the kids? Cause I'll be cutting my milk chocolate heart out Just for you The girl with the New Jersey Valentine's Day orphanage Cause I'll be cutting my milk chocolate heart out just for you The girl with the New Jersey Valentine's Day orphanage