The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #104: Joke Stealing & Brian Hennigan is tested

Episode Date: October 23, 2015

Brian Hennigan has returned from Burning Man and is one step closer to citizenship. Doug weighs in on the Fat Jew and joke stealing.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. Thank you.Recorded Sep. 11, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Bingo (@bingobingaman) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS -Closing Song, "Frankenstein Heart" from Mishka Shubaly's new album COWARD'S PATH. Available now at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I will do two at once right now. She did 20. Okay. I can do two at once also. I've done it. Don't test me. Do it right now. No.

All right. Let's podcast. Every time I go on the podcast, it's a fucking test at the start. Well, no one can see that. I know. Remember Kenny? I know. Now Kenny wants to challenge Andy Andrus to the Iron Man thing just so he gets his name

mentioned again on the podcast. Whatever that fucking thing is. I bet Andy would probably beat me. I've already forgotten. Is that how Kenny talks? I get taken up three octaves and Kenny gets fucking charred shanked. It's a generic

impression. Brian Hennigan is back from the Burning Man. Burning Man. We have the journalist here for, I don't know. What's that? Yeah, he's falling down. He's realized there's no story.

Journalist from The Guardian. He realizes he's been sold a pig and a poke. And, yeah, it's a crazy weekend. Andy Andrist and Christine Levine, as well as Damian Figler and another comic, are coming to crash the compound any second. So we have like 15 fucking podcasts we have to do in a weekend, or so it seems. it seems. So now that Brian's here, yeah, we can follow up on your Burning Man adventure.

Mr. Smith goes to Burning Man. I had a very exciting one day because I had my immigration interview at 7.30 in the morning, and then I drove straight up to Burning Man. That was, yeah, a lot of people got back to us on Twitter about your, after we went through the dumb test you had to take, are you smarter than a fifth-grade citizen,

or whatever we called it. Yeah, and so once that started, it's amazing how the whole process was immediately really serious. Like, I'm with my lawyer and we walk into the room and then the woman just immediately just turns around and just goes, okay, raise your hand. And it's like, what? Oh shit, we're doing this?

It was... Don't worry about that. It's making noises in the room for Christ's sake. Thank you. So you just had to walk in and... It's just like suddenly, just funny to walk into the room and immediately get told, raise your hand. Do you just had to walk in and... It's just like suddenly, it's funny to walk into a room and immediately get told, raise your hand, do you swear that this is... And then...

I thought it would be more like the DMV. It's sounding like you're going to a law practice or something. You're being tested on whether you're worthy of citizenship. Yeah, but it seems like it's... Oh, I thought you meant you just raised your hand and they go, all right, you're a citizen and you didn't have to take a test. No, no, no, no, no.

That's still to come. So, yeah, and then she said, okay, let's just do the questions now. And once I realized I'd got the first three right i was like okay now the only thing here is i have to get six out of six so that means i don't have to answer 10 all right so i did you basically have to get a d to pass 60 so uh but the interesting thing was uh the time i got cocky was when i won the questions was, name three of the 13 original states, colonies. All right.

Delaware, New York, Massachusetts. I would have said Pennsylvania. I think that would have been right, too. Well, I just thought, because I blurted out Massachusetts, because I knew that was right. Oh, yeah. And then I thought, oh, what are the two most obscure ones I could mention? So I went with Delaware.

I thought Delaware was kind of a- What's the first state? So everyone knows that. And then I just went, bam, Rhode Island. You know what's weird? No one knows Delaware now. So nothing, no news story ever happens in delaware delaware is the forgotten state i've always said that what yeah only joe biden it wasn't for joe biden yeah yeah i guess he is delaware but if you asked of most people where joe biden's from they'd go who's joe biden yeah the only thing i know about

delaware has to do with incorporation. Everything's incorporated. All your credit card spam junk mail, actual snail junk mail is Delaware. They're like the Nassau Bahamas of America. Yeah. What was the third one? I'm sorry, I stepped on your dick. Rhode Island.

Rhode Island. I thought that's an obscure one. Yeah. Did you get extra for that? No. No? No. You didn't give me better citizenship so you so you went six for six and then and then before i knew confetti flew out of the ceiling and then the usual sort of again it's one of those strange things where somebody sitting opposite you is asking you questions which in any other circumstance

you would simply laugh at. And you know that's the one thing. So like literally looking you straight in the face and going, are you a terrorist? You know, have you ever engaged in acts of prostitution? And you just have to go, no, no. Oh, did I already talk about that on the Doug Stanhope podcast? Then let's say no.

You got me. So, yeah, and then it was all over. And I was off to Burning Man. So you have to wait? What's the process now? No, you had a bit of paper on which it says you know congratulations you appear to have passed we're not going to go and investigate a lot of this and get back to you no I think the next thing

is basically you get the that's when your next thing is the football stadium with 5000 Koreans and you're going oh you have to do you have to do that oh just wearing it yeah oh that stinks yeah it's like graduating high school and still having to go you know shake the principal's hand and fucking hate his guts there's no way getting

around it i always like i always thought that if i won the big jackpot in vegas and then they want me to go hold the big check for promo photos i'd go no fuck that i'm not promoting this like this doesn't even compensate for the 30 years i'm down you fucking assholes and i just to be a dick i think i would say no and for that swearing in process i go yeah i'm busy that day didn't i already pass the test i had to go fucking heil hitler and so some german square well, again, that's not really an option. Do they do that like every year, like one day? No, no, no. It's regular.

And apparently. Hold it at the farmer's market. Yes, you have to do it. Oh, I have to do it. But if you didn't, would you? No. You're not swelling with pride. No.

You're happy that you passed. I was supposed to buy up two university degrees that I never graduated, so to speak. Yeah. You're not that with pride. You're happy that you passed. I don't want to boast, but I have two university degrees that I never graduated, so to speak. Yeah. You're not that kind of guy. Yeah, I'm not that type. I never understood. You hate the fact that I know when your birthday is, even though I forget it, but it's written on one of my calendars. But the point is, yeah, I don't like, again, I got a university degree.

I thought, that's it. I've got it. Why am I going to go to a fucking ceremony? You know, I've got the degree now. and but the point is yeah i don't like like again i got a university degree i thought that's it i got it why am i going to go to a fucking ceremony you know i've got the degree now let's move on just like a funeral i was talking to the uh the journalist sam uh-huh a funeral why would you why do you need to go to a funeral you don't you're not going to remember your mother and mourn for her at home you have to have some fucking awful hey this is the worst party ever so everyone can come and not have any fun just so it's 9 11 as we speak that's right this is 9 11 so i i tweeted that picture jobey had a brochure that he found on eBay of the World Trade Center.

Yes. When they were newly opened. And it says, World Trade Center is the closest you'll ever get to heaven. Which is, is that irony as you walk into the room? Because I don't know what that means. I'm an American. You can talk openly. He's dazed and confused.

Sam, our journalist friend, just walked in. Whatever you're looking for, you can interrupt the podcast. Go in the fridge. It's not good enough for the podcast. I just want to know where the water is. I was going to ask you. I put the water in the fridge. Why do you put the water in the fridge?

I was going to ask you, because we did ambush him. Whether we use it or not, we might just redo it all. But do you take downers on the flight? Have you gone in? Yes. I might need them. All right. Do you want just a regular over-the-counter sleeping pill?

That would be fine. Derek? Over-the-counters are just at the front of the travel shelf. Sleep tight, sir. And use those earplugs, because it'll be loud about midnight when Andy and the crew show up. So stop doing your parlor tricks. Have you met the magician in town yet? What?

I don't know when the last time you were here. Some magician from Tucson. Anyways, I'm off topic. Does he do close-hand magic? Yes, he does. That's the only type I like. If he's making jets disappear, I'm no interest. No, he's working the big room

at Harris and Bisbee. I stayed at Harris and Bisbee. I stayed at Harrison, you know. His white tiger is... So where were we? We need a fucking cue card. You were talking about funerals. Funerals, yes. Pointless exercise.

At least you had some ego involved with graduating or citizenship. I guess a lot of people are really happy to come here. And not that you aren't. But it's not like I'm glad to be an American. I just remember something else that we have in common, which is the buying of cars. I was with two companies where I got a company car. And on both occasions I bought them

by looking at the catalog they sent me and just said, get me that one. Everyone else wants to go and fucking sit in the car. You didn't do a test drive or anything? No, they made us do a test drive for that Mazda. Could not progress.

I don't want the test drive. It runs well now. Let me test drive it in the future. If you can put me in a time machine and see what a piece of shit it is in three years. In the future. Sean Rouse. You got to fucking call him. It's football.

I haven't even talked to Rouse. Anyway, so you'll be a citizen at some point. At some point. The only thing is my lawyer said, you have to take this. Do this immediately. Do this immediately. Don't say you're like... So he said it could be one to three or four months, which means he said basically, yes,

you might have to come back from the UK to do it. To do what? Take the fucking... The oath. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, then you're not a citizen. You can't leave me alone in the UK. Yeah. Don't worry, I've got backup. Alright. Laura Clark? No, no, no.

She's had baby. Oh, off the charts. I was just about to profess my love for her. And then she had to squeeze out. I'm sure you could stick it back in. I think it's about two now. All right.

So let's get to Burning Man. Burning Man. Because Brian Hennigan, not a Burning Man kind of guy. No, which everyone said, including me. Except for when he gets into Monday Night Hennigan drunken mode. He's notorious and legendary for playing really shitty kind of, I don't know what kind of music it is, but shitty things. Like you might hear a Burning Man and bouncing up and down in his seat

and dancing alone in his own room while we stare through the window. Is this the EDM music? I like EDM. It's the fact that Brian Hennigan doesn't hate music as much as I do. I know. I love EDM. Anyway, so I turned up at Burning Man not knowing anyone. And I was in this camp.

He went to Burning Man just to be a buzzkill, I bet. Just to shit on people. Hey, no running! That's not even the proper way to do it. I was in this camp that I'd been introduced to by Brian Wiener. I turn up and Brian Wiener, your friend, isn't there. He's off doing something. Brian Wiener is and I turn up, and Brian Wiener, your friend, isn't there. He's off doing something. Brian Wiener is a pro Burning Man guy.

He spends his entire year, I think he got some dot-com money. He's Facebook rich and just spends all his time creating, which I abhor. So he's known, you're pre-camped. You showed up before it actually started. I got there only one day before because of the... Because of the Wiener connection. No, the immigration thing. I would have got there five days before if I hadn't been for that.

Because of... Because of the Brian Wiener connection into this camp. He's like a welder though, right? He runs a maker space in Fort Lauderdale. Yeah. Among other things. But it's odd though. You turn up at a gathering of 65 people who are all camped together

and the one person you know isn't there. So you're just... Oh, I hate... That's like going to a party. Yeah. Hey, you want to come to this party? Well, I won't know anyone. Well, it's a great people. That's kind of it. It's like going to a party. Yeah. Hey, you want to come to this party? Well, I won't know anyone. Well, it's a great people.

That's kind of it. Where's Wiener? Oh, he went out for ice. He'll be back in two days. What's your name? So I arrived late at night. And the first thing I did was I went down and secured my shift pod, little pod thing I was staying in.

And I logged it back to my camp. And it was dark by now you get a perimeter for your camp which there are many camps yes i go to a campground where this is your site and there's 70 000 people yeah yeah so i go back to my camp with the shift pod and then i thought i'll get some stuff out of my car. And the first, the first major thing I did at burning man was pull the hatchback of the car down on my forehead. And now there's a small scratch there just now.

I can assure you that was not a small scratch when I did it. There was literally blood running down my face and I just arrived. Yeah. And i hadn't hadn't really introduced myself to many people so for the first two days i had a like a a pop pie versus bluto type bandage on my forehead where i was trying to go hi how are you did you have to go to the first aid tent no no no the, no, no. The fucking thing hasn't even started. This guy's bleeding. Hey, we already got a guy.

What is this? I had some... I brought along some of those disposable Clorox wipes that you use for cleaning... Your bum hole? Yeah, no, the kitchen. No, the kitchen? Yeah, so I basically got one of them out

and held it to my forehead, which kind of stung. And then once the bleeding had abated uh i put on this bandage so tightly that i it was like a mini stitch like around your head like a headband no but like like an x anyway it made you a zippy the pinhead so and then and then the whole thing kind of kicked off for me in the sense that it was very fun. We went out on one of these enormous art car sound bus things that played lots of electronic dance music. And I started to take photographs and then I started to feel happier. And the whole week just got happier and happier. I did things like, obviously, you know, I don't do drugs.

So none of the drugs were attractive. And there are drugs fucking everywhere. There's anything anything you guys have ever talked about they were ketamine quaaludes ecstasy uh mdma b c d yeah everything they're all there uh but i liked the music and i liked and i drink and i drank so i was i don't think i went to bed before 3 a.m. any night. And two nights I stayed up till 9 in the morning. Woo-hoo! So, and it was great. And I suppose what you think, what's attractive... Okay, here's the thing.

Here's what's misleading about Burning Man. And I think is that people have this idea that it's a hippie festival. And it's almost the opposite of a hippie festival. Yeah, no, I thought it was. I always pictured it like, what do they call the fake bikers? They're just like corporate guys, but they like to, on the weekends, they'll put on a leather vest.

Like a weekend warrior type? That kind of, yeah. Well, I think here's the thing. It's more like this. You've got a city. When you took me, we were invited to the Twitter offices in San Francisco. Yes. And it was like a Vegas buffet for lunch.

It was like the Caesar's Palace buffet. That's where they eat lunch. And they had a DJ at the Twitter main corporate office. I imagine those people. You're entirely right. A lot of the people at Burning Man are from the Bay Area or Silicon Valley or whatever. And what I enjoyed about it was that you're in the middle of nowhere

in an artificially created town that will arise out of nothing and disappear into nothing. And again, bear in mind, you have to take away every bit of trash you bring with you. There's nothing provided in terms of taking shit away. You're not allowed to piss where you feel like. You can't piss on the plier just because your

bladder's filled. You're with people who can do all that. It's the opposite of hippies. You're with people who can set up an entire city. It's full of people who can do things.

It's not full of people who talk about doing things or are incapable of opening a tin of soup. This is exactly your love of Germany. Yes! It's

very efficient. Brian would say, should we play Germany? Oh, I love Germany! For all the same kind of, not the bad Hitler reasons, but the efficiency of Hitler, the Autobahn, and this is the way it

should be. This is structurally and smart people. Yes. So you're surrounded basically, for the most part, certainly in our camp. The camp I was in, it was smart, clever, exciting, interesting people.

And you got that campsite because of the wiener. You can't just order a campsite. No. It's not like picking seats on Ticketmaster. Brian Wiener had to vote for me, and then I had to talk to the guy who he had vouched for me to, and then I was allowed. What was more difficult, the citizenship test or getting into burning man well i know what's harder

to get into america or burning man i sweated the burning man more you know it's like if i don't get in this camp i'll be out there with the animals there was no workbook yeah by the way just so you know i mean i did i did seek out uh matt kirsten so i could and matt kirsten. Comedian from the UK. Yeah, he's a lovely man. There's no communication there. Your cell phone's not working. So you've got their address,

their coordinates of where they live, and you have to cycle there. And if they're not there, you just have to leave a note and then come back later, like when you were a child. You brought your own bike. Yeah, yeah. That's the bike that Derek didn't build. Remember?

Yes, we brought it up a couple times in the podcast since. Yeah. So after two or three visits to Matt Kirshen's place, I did realize that there was a form of apartheid in place. I did realize that there was a form of apartheid in place. Like where I was living was nice, and where Matt Kirshen was living in, inside a rented Enterprise van, was not so great. It is what you make it, though.

Yes, but his camp was very... Spartan? Their camp was kind of Spartan, shall we say. Here's an example of the food. Every day the food was magnificent. got two two meals a day on the saturday night the camp leader said as you know uh mr sonso sonso who owns a chain of restaurants in atlanta is normally here and he cooks on saturday night he can't make it but he has sent one of his chefs so we had steak like perfectly cooked i spent part of that afternoon finally chopping rosemary right okay there this was not

like it never does that here yeah there's nobody called Rosemary park the bus hey Doug give him a light it was pretty it was pretty exciting and again I like electronic dance music and I like being on a large open. Do you like it at 7 in the morning?

Apparently. Apparently I do. You said you weren't even drinking? No, I was. Oh, this was after more than half a bottle of handcrafted Californian vodka which I was drinking

straight because I couldn't fucking pee so you don't want to dilute it. How far away are the bathrooms? These are the questions I would ask. There are porta-potties around, but... How far do you have to walk to a porta-potty? When I quit

smoking during that tin can rehab, I knew that I was too lazy to walk the two blocks to go get cigarettes, as long as they didn't have them. If I have to walk that far to piss. But here's something practical, going back to Clorox wipes. Once you've finished a tub of Clorox wipes, take the lid off,

you can pee in it, and it's big enough to accommodate your penis, and it's filled with bleach. So it like disinfects it. And then once you get to a port-a-potty, you just empty it in there. As soon as you said, let's get back to Clorox wipes, I pictured your porn star bleached asshole.

Not for the first time. So, and then, yeah it was um i i think um it was very yeah it's very enjoyable uh you doug stanhope i don't think you would enjoy it because no because the hangover what's that mean yeah i could even hung over on drug drunk on drugs, I could probably even enjoy electronic dance music, but I fucking wake up. Oh, it never stops. I'm a terrible person. It's all around you constantly. I'm a terrible, you know me,

in the morning. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no. If I could do it only come in at night, like I do shows, and then get shuttled back to a hotel where I have a fucking decent clean place to take a shit. It doesn't even have to be clean. It just doesn't.

I can't have someone waiting outside the door. But the Ericsons will definitely love it. I think the Chili's or the chain outs, whatever they're called. Bingo. Bingo would love it. Bingo's here. Bingo just showed up. Bingo would love it.

Get on the fucking seat. All right. Yeah. And was there. Get on the fucking... Yeah, and was there anything I wanted to... First of all, every time I say the Wiener connection, I want to burst into the Wiener connection. Lovers

and dreamers and me. Lovers and dreamers and me. Wiener's a weird guy yes again he a boatload of money and he does interesting not weird like yeah oh where's my no you would assume that he like if he if that was your court-appointed lawyer and you're sitting there in an orange jumpsuit and shackles and that guy comes in you go go, oh, I'm fucked. This guy's gold. Right. He does not seem like the Burning Man guy. No.

Nor do you. No. And he spends all year making this shit. But he's also a fighter. Not only do you not think he's Burning Man, but he's like, yeah, and then I went to this place. I get into a bar fight. You get in a bar fight?

And he is. You go in a fight in Burning Man. No shit. Yeah. Over what? One of his friends was giving him too much shit, I believe. Who chopped this rosemary? Cut to me pointing.

That guy. That guy there. I'll show you a chopping. You were there? No, Brian told me. Oh. Apparently it was kind of public. There's no trees.

It wasn't a backstreet burning man mugging. It wasn't Philo Betto. This is an unsanctioned, unsanctioned fight. Yeah, but he admits he's got a dark side. Yeah, well, he just split up with Mrs. Wiener. We've always known them as a couple. Amy Wiener, yeah. So yeah, and if he was like that then, well, don't get me all riled up at Burning Man.

It was a huge blast. And it was very, I mean, obviously there were things of it that were reminiscent of the desert parties. But almost like, but the good thing, and also the fact I travel a lot in the third world, a lot of the so-called hardship isn't really hardship. It's hardship if you've not done that sort of thing before.

But, nah, not really. How bad are the toilets at the end of the week? No, well, they're fine, because we had people coming around to empty them every day. Oh, you had your own private toilets? Yeah, we had two little. Yeah, I was going to say. Matt Kirshen didn't have a toilet near him, I bet.

Did you have a doorman? Your bag, sir. By the way, there are a bunch of photographs going up at Facebook.com slash Hennigan. You get straight up Hennigan? Yeah. Not even Brian? I think Brian Hennigan would be even too difficult to get. No, straight up Hennigan. You get straight up Hennigan? Yeah. Not even Brian? I think Brian Hennigan would be even too difficult to get. No, straight up Hennigan. Straight up Hennigan. Yep. Not a fan of the Facebook myself.

Derek is coming over. He's looking like he's going to get his drinks, but should we break? No, I was just going to say, the thing about the desert parties. Yeah. In contrast was, or I think it became the issue was their very accessibility.

People were showing up. You didn't want showing up. The, the, of the people that showed up at our own private burning man in death Valley, the worst ones were, I don't know what the connection was of course there's one week

length that goes oh you guys should come to this yeah and it was they called it the burning man decompression party oh right i don't remember that right fucking wolfie dj wolf or something no i remember that guy i don't remember the ones that were trying to barter they had whippets and they were like well if we're gonna give you whippets uh we want some real drugs yeah like no you have whipped cream canister shit and everyone brought the basic supply they could smuggle in their ass when we get the pie cut we'll give you a call wolfie but we're not giving the p and they were like.O. They were like hammocks and trees, and they were very exclusionary.

Oh, yeah. That was the third year, I think. No, no, the third year was a good year. No, no, the third year was the best year. Third year was my first year. It was second year. Second year. Yeah.

DJ Wolfie, I remember him. They did their own electronic dance music. Yeah, he did a remix. He did a remix of the police message in a bottle that was very good. Wow. You'd remember. I remember. Because everyone else is like, who are these people that fucking don't really socialize or communicate?

And they're into their... Oh, yeah. I'm not demeaning your judgment of them. I'm just talking about that one particular mix. So, some of the pictures, I mean, some of the things, the art cars that I was on,

there's something magical about going across this flat playa, which is covered with artistic structures that have been erected temporarily in a float that is blasting out music and the float looks like a forest

of asparagus. It's magnificent. It's magnificent. I don't doubt it for a minute. And if you were as you people do, tripping I think it'd be even more magnificent.

Absolutely. Yeah. And that's why I want to do that for a day and then get the fuck out. Yeah. When I woke up going,

oh, oh, everything hurts. You can't leave? Shut the fuck up. Or you can leave anytime you want. Oh, okay.

So you can just helicopter you out. You can just get in your car and say, fuck it, I'm leaving. Yeah, do the old Dave Mordahl. Oh yeah, the Dave Mordahl. 75 mile an hour windstorm in Death Valley. Fuck it! Sand blowing, everyone

making, uh, like... Kerchiefs and things to block goggles. Yeah, what do the Arabs wear? Turban. Yeah, the Arabs wear the... Turban. No, it's not turban. Veil? It's just fucking terrorist wear over your face,

so only your eyes are showing, and then you try to find a goggle. Burka kind of shit. Yeah, and Dave Wardall, who doesn't like to socialize anyway, and we talked him into going to the thing, and I go, yeah, He's sober, isn't he?

We heard if you go up into the canyon where that waterfall is, that weird waterfall, you'd be out of the wind. And he goes, you know where else is out of the wind? Caesar's Palace. Have a great time. And he drove off in a huff, came back half an hour later. I saw him. I was already tripping. And it's 11 in the morning.

And I said, I knew you'd be back he goes no you can't there's zero visibility on the highway that's the year that the uh the some korean tourists stopped in the middle of the road and two motorcycles rear-ended them because it was zero visibility so they all had to come back till the windstorm stopped. Then he went to Caesar's Palace. That zero visibility thing this year that happened a lot. No shit? The wind would kick up

and you'd be out on a bike or just walking and suddenly you wouldn't be able to see fucking anything. How long were you there Brian? Eight days, nine days. What about the bug infestation? That was all overblown. Alright. So the

bug infestation died. I don't know if we mentioned it on the last podcast but right before he left the early news was this weird biting bugs that had infested and there was a close up picture of someone's tire where every tread was filled with these weird biting

insects. They all died. That's a good move to knock down the lines getting in. Yeah. Would you do it again? Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay, great. I'd do it in an RV.

Would you do it tripping? No. As soon as you become a citizen, you can trip. No. No, there's no need to go hog crazy. So you wouldn't do the shift part again? No. I mean, I would if I had to, but I don't have to.

Would you come out here and build yourself a little art car thingy? Well, I would, but only if... Yeah, I would. I need to get somebody like Joby involved. Someone that could do it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

The same way the new studio, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I built this yourself.

Having other people build this. Yeah. Obviously, you know, you could stand above them on a, a, a, a ladder and shout down through a bullhorn.

I think that belongs over there. And you go, oh, I built this. I built this. Joby, bring me my Clorox piss box. What accent was that? Jesus Christ. All right, let's take a break. And we got some viewer mail or some other shit.

I got a box now. I have a box. We're trying to make this new studio. By the time this airs, the football helmet auction is not done yet. But even at this point on Friday before the Sunday, you guys

paid for the fucking bar. And the rest of the ancillary things. Yeah, the awning and the painting. I'm sure you... My fans are fucking monsters, and people in Bisbee know I'm a comedian, and they know that I'm vaguely underground,

cult-like known, but when you have an eBay auction like that and everyone's following it, Cedric, who built the bar with Electric Dave, they gave me an estimate. And when it was being put in, the last of it a couple days ago, just the bar part, he goes, you know, I'm pretty close on that estimate. It might be a little bit over, but it's going to be pretty close. And I went, that's good because the football helmet auction is now right around what your estimate was.

And I assume it'll go crazy like any eBay auction at the end where last minute bidders bidding it up. I think you made me money by building the new studio that's great because you could only build the studio by selling the helmets

I was hoping it would offset the cost because you know I've done a portion of it I got UK days I have 20 dates in the uk and europe coming up uh amsterdam you didn't even put that out it was sold out it's sold out you know that yeah i know yeah i'm aware well yeah you go well so that's sold out point is because of that book, I will have done 30 dates total this year. Normally, what I would consider a light year, the last couple of years, I was doing like 115 dates a year. This year, only 30.

So to put a podcast studio together and spend that money, it was a little tight this year. And these fucking assholes that I call fans or audience members, people who enjoy what we do for a podcast with no sponsorship, thank you very much. We'll be back in a second. Hey, I'm going to uh the uk and europe the dates are at doug stanhope.com uh we're doing uh england scotland ireland denmark iceland uh amsterdam norway i think we're even doing sweden go to doug stanhope.com but for the five weeks that i'm gone

there's no way i'm going to try to pack fucking podcasting equipment and trust brian the filthy uncut scotsman to do it he can't be chaley he will never be chaley so my thought was to have chad shank fill in for me for five weeks and be my guest host of the Doug Stanhope podcast. Well, that's up to you, the listeners. If you'd like him to do that, tweet him at HD fatty at HD as in Harley Davidson, fatty F A T T Y. And if more people want him to do this and he gets more tweets, it will affect his ego and make him smile more when he's trying to not kill people at home. All-star podcast since you guys have bought those fucking football helmets or are buying those to pay for this.

Coming soon, Andy Andrist and Christine Levine. Click. We had that accident and we ended up just crushing it. I know, we just crushed it. How do you like that chair, Brian? I like it. I like it because I feel like I'm getting more support in my back. Yeah, that's the problem I had with it.

It feels like upright and locked position during takeoff, where just one more inch back and you'll feel more comfortable. I like it. I like these for what we're doing, like this podcast. Jesus. Yeah, we're going to work out some kinks, but otherwise, it's fucking fantastic. Again, thank you. Yeah.

To everyone who bid on football helmets. I got a couple of joke stealing things. Oh, yeah. One was my brother called me like my pet peeve is people who email or tweet you this guy stole your joke uh oh he talked about pornography and so do you now that's not stealing a joke leave that to the professionals but my brother was listening to Sirius XM, and some guy, he said, this guy did your gay marriage bit. Like, word for fucking word. And it was on Sirius XM.

And I'd never heard of the guy, because I'm old and I don't know. No, no, he's a New York guy, or he lives in New York. What's his name? I forget now. Okay. But I wouldn't even, if I knew, I wouldn't say it. Because I looked him up, and then I tried to find him. Would you let me, Wiggin? And I found the bit.

He had an album on iTunes. So I'm looking for the one that's got the gay marriage bit. My brother's like, yeah, that whole thing. It was the, if marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Oh, baby, this shit we got between each other is so good. We got to get the government involved. We need federal oversight and legislation. No, this is so strong.

I think it's actually, no, it's Deadbeat Hero. Is it? Yeah. Oh, fuck. You know you're right. It's black and white. It's 2004. it's Deadbeat Hero Is it? Yeah It's Black and White 2004 It's 11 years ago Guitar in the background right? Henry Phillips

So it's morning so I want something to be angry about Right And so I actually went on Found his album on iTunes And I'm going through the tracks Like which one would it be in and so I had to spend a dollar and 98 cents

to enrich this man two different tracks to hear just basically that one line without the federal oversight hey marriage is weird to me it's a weird concept I love you so much we gotta get the government involved I'm not gonna call

him out for that i mean i've heard sarah silverman just today from 2014 on howard stern howard stern goes now the guy you're dating it's serious you're gonna get married she goes look i don't need to get the government involved right i mean it's not one of those things like okay you didn't steal this verbatim i said it fucking 11 years ago and probably someone probably said it before me for all i know but the point is my brother only heard that was the end of the clip so he assumed he'd stolen everything the guy this morning i did did a, yesterday morning, I did a interview with this guy. Oh, some of these UK interviews, Brian, they talk so garbled. And because they're recording the conversation, there's this echo delay.

And I have to constantly say, what did you say again? And at some point in the conversation i'm likening the comedy community because he was saying like well comics they you know how they're spiteful this it's the strange uh imagination people have of comics are like fucking actors where they're you know it's not a competition i always found the comedy community to be really kind of tight-knit, and in the interview, I said that it's like AA, which an analogy I make in the book about how the comedy community, like you just show up at any comedy club in the country,

and you're accepted. You know people. And that's how AA was with my mother like you can go to any meeting and there's welcoming people it's just such a small community of comedians right oh i'm a comedian too oh no shit where you're from and they welcome you and he went off on this tangent about aa uh the the the interviewer and he goes, well, I've never, I shouldn't say, because I've never been to a meeting, but I find the religion in it, and this and that, and I go,

when we're done this conversation, just YouTube Doug Stanhope AA, and you'll hear my entire bit about, and he goes, oh, I just realized I got my entire bit about and he goes oh I just realized I got my entire perception of AA from that bit I forgot that I'd heard so yeah shit like

that happens maybe someone heard something but I but what about something you've talked about before which is the people who say something and think they're the first to say it? Yeah, when I first started doing open mic, I was doing the most hackneyed premises, truly believing that they were my own. Who was the first person to eat an egg? They must have lost a bet.

I'll bet you that i'll eat the first thing that comes out of that chicken's ass thinking it was brilliant or milk yeah tom green had a whole thing on that too yeah a million things the first person to ever eat i didn't know at the time i thought i was fucking a genius open mic-er. And other people who don't watch comedy agreed. Do you think you coined creeper memories? Yes. Because even the person doing our hair today, she was just like, you know when you get those creeper memories?

And I was just like, ah, you heard that bit. I know you've heard that bit. She said that just today. I doubt it. You know what I mean? I don't think creeper memories. I was just like ah you heard that bit I know you've heard that bit she said that just today I don't think creeper memories I don't know hairdressers aren't in your demographic oh no she was talking about she was talking about she had heard his stuff too though I don't

think that no I have no idea I remember Brendan Walsh was the first guy to talk about his fat upper dick area and then everyone was saying it afterwards. I think we coined Negroni Week. I think we're the catalyst for National Negroni Week because I'd never heard of it in my life.

And once we started drinking them on the air, all of a sudden, out of the blue, National Negroni Week. So, yeah, I like to believe. Right, right. I care to believe. Soft rape, that's one. This is a variation of Drader Meinhof syndrome. Hey, Smartfuck Magazine has a drop-in.

Hey, let's go to our field reporter from Smartfuck Magazine. Yeah, everyone look it up at home. Bader Meinhof syndrome. Oh, yeah. When you're saying something that's unspellable and unpronounceable, always trail off when you say it.

It's Bagger Man syndrome. It's the Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy approach. Oh, what a beautiful movie that was. I just need to tell you something. Bingo.

You're going to love it. That's the entire movie of Tinker Tail's Soldier Spy. The entire cinema of people leaning towards the screen going, what? What did you say? They all talk like this. Well, that was the case with... You keep turning up your TV.

Yeah, you blow a speaker. Well, this, someone emailed me. Whoever you are, thank you if you're a listener. But you emailed me going, I saw this cunt bitching about this guy, the fat Jew, who's made headlines over here. If you live in other countries, he has like 5 million. Did we discuss this last time you were on? He had like 5 million Instagram followers and just basically taking credit for other people's tweet things that are funny and memes. I don't fucking get it.

But people who tweeted like a funny aside, he would steal it as though it was his own. Correct. And he blew up for a second as he lost his Comedy Central deal. And yeah, the comics came out against him. But this guy, there's a new story. The Fat Jew at Fat Jew. I'm not saying Fat Jew. That's his name because he's a fat Jew and he calls

himself the Fat Jew, is still stealing material. Even after this cavalcade of negative press, he's still stealing. And this guy, I forget his name too, who's saying he stole this from me and didn't give me credit. It's a bit that i've been doing for a year and a half that i'm still doing generally when people say oh this guy's doing your bit well you know what i don't really give a fuck it's on a cd or dvd from like a long time ago yeah it's out there mouth yeah if if he is stealing my shit someone will you know he'll be brought down but this is something i'm currently doing waiting to put it on the new dvd after we get done with europe and it's about uh you you know the chunk

about if you've seen me in the last year and a half about uh parents should be responsible for their children for the rest of their lives and he the guy that's saying the fat jews stole it from him they show the original tweet which is almost verbatim of the beginning of the bit i don't have bits that fit into a tweet that's one thing that uh has saved me from a lot of joke thievery is i have 14 and 20 minute bits that That's why the fat Jew was on Instagram because he could put up pictures of entire bits. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Good thing fitting all that into a fucking Instagram picture is that just that bit alone. But it was basically the beginning of that. How dare my parents had me. So I tweeted at him i went huh you're yelling at the fat jew i've been doing that fucking bit for a year and a half and then he wrote back something kind of cryptic i couldn't really get well now that i've done it it's illegal to do oh now that uh now that i've done a bit that several other people have done before us like wait are you saying that it's a hackneyed bit

are you saying other people have done it before us that it's tired so and then making it funny by saying now it's illegal to do since i did it i wasn't saying you stole it from me i'm saying i fucking do that bit in a lengthy fleshed out form that's's not a joke. It's an actual point of view that upsets me. And now you're a bitch. Like I'm one degree of separation from being the fat Jew stealing from me. But this guy is defending the fact that he's did it, that several people have probably done it before us. I don't know any.

So you kind of, the point is I don't give a fuck.'m gonna keep doing the bit i'm gonna put it on a goddamn album and then i'll be done with it and then a million years from now when i'm one of those crusty old cunts that knows everything's been done i'll sit around and not laugh at comedy the same way I do now. So and so do that. In 1983, that was on Rodney Dangerfield's first Young Comedian special. I think the interesting thing about

the fat Jewish thing, for me, is what it reveals. Like, the general public don't give a fuck. I mean, they don't give a fuck whether it's stolen or not. This is what's going to happen. And I hate to even put it out there, but when it happens, I want to be able to say, I said it first.

Is at some point, and Carlos Mencia almost went into these waters because when the Carlos Mencia is a thief versus Joe Rogan kerfuffle happened. It was the biggest news in comedy. Everyone's wired to it. At some point,

just like sampling in rap music, someone, a comic is gonna pull a full Charlie Sheen and say yeah I stole it I don't give a fuck what they do in rap music yeah we sample stuff that's what we do get over it and some comic that

steals is gonna just take that yeah I steal my audience doesn't give a fuck where it came from and the audience gonna just take that yeah i steal my audience doesn't give a fuck where it came from that's true and and the audience doesn't so they're gonna go he's right fuck him you think any fan of vanilla ice gave a shit if he stole from david bowie the people that were all up in arms about that were people that like david bowie not people that like vanilla ice so eventually some comic is if the fat jew went yeah he steals shit who cares it's out there and it makes people laugh and i

have more followers than you so i get your fucking the jokes out there no one if he took that tact no one gives a shit and it's a matter of time before that comic exists well now you just told him yeah well it's too late now he already he already buckled under and that's what the media wants you to do they want to shame you because that draws a crowd for the media. Are you... I don't think it was a media orchestrated thing. People only care

because... I only knew about the fat Jew from... Patton Oswalt? Yeah, from tweets and stuff. I didn't know about it at all from the media. I did. Because I don't sit around and well, I do sit around on Twitter.

But I do it from a very egotistical, I only look at mentions and rarely at my feed. So yeah, I did not know about the fat jew and plus with writing that book i'm always way late on even twitter i'm way late which is 20 minutes later uh too late for twitter everyone's already made that joke you fucking asshole that's a killer when people on just your regular people

have already made the joke you were about to tweet. And you see, actually, my fans have already made this joke seven times. Did you just immediately become disinterested in this entire podcast? No, I'm looking at the ceiling. I'm thinking. All right. You have jet lag. You flew an hour and 10 minutes from L.A.

It's only 55. That time will come where that fucking guy. Oh, I think you're right about that. We've jokingly talked about it forever. And it's still in play. I know, but I think you're right about that. Again, because in effect, the way that jokes are told now, in the old days, a joke was literally a start-stop event. Three men walk into a bar. Those were all originally owned by people and then went into society and they were neatly compartmentalizable. compartmentalizable and therefore somebody could go away from having seen a comedian with that one thing remembered then comedy became more discursive and it wasn't possible to separate

you know there's more of a flow to it but as with the internet and everything, is lending itself to how to compartmentalize again these more discursive monologues. So, yes, it's already happened, and therefore it will happen again. All those classic jokes were originally one person's joke. But the beautiful defense that comics have built about public shaming

for stealing, eventually that wall will fall the same way that sampling in music has... No one ever goes, that's a fucking Gladys Knight and the Pips riff from 1968 golden oldies but i

mean you can say that but there's no recourse there's i mean it really doesn't even matter well i'm saying that the fact that comics have fallen into that mold of oh we get a we don't want to be shamed by our peers yeah sure but that's the first one that says you know i don't give a fuck i'm stealing jokes but this could be again just to go with your uh the the setup you're giving of making a you know missing its power you know it's it's the same as what happened with rap or hip-hop or whatever all of those things eventually were you know found legal remedy those people had to pay for what they did ray parker jr and uh yeah and huey lewis and and comics don't have that that's why comics rely on shaming as but you know that self-policing. Right. You know that there would be, if I went out

this idea that I've had for a million years, just because comics do get too cunty about, well, the whole thing South Park did about Carlos Mencia and they did the fish sticks episode

and I've always thought about just putting out an album don't don't say it don't say it it's so good don't say it you can go back I can take that part out

you can go back and go I've had an idea about an album but you shouldn't give the idea it's too good. We're not doing it for you. Henning and I have talked about shopping it to some other comics, so you really don't want you to fuck this up.

Ben Erickson's kind of... Alright. We'll just leave that all in, and I'll just shut up. I'll bleep over it. That'd be very... And now we'll leave this in, but we'll put the bleeps over that. Yes.

All right. Yes. That was a good decision to bleep all that. I'm never going to get around to it. That's the problem. Oh. Yes, you will. You'll be getting around to it. Oh, yeah. You're never going to get around to it that's the problem oh yes you will you'll be getting around to it yeah you're never gonna get around to writing a book yeah true true enough true that you were never going back to the uk you were met you were mentioning hip-hop i believe

all right yeah let me mention some people that uh sent some stuff uh hold on, hold on. By the way, that Vanilla Ice song, that wasn't just David Bowie. That was Queen and David Bowie. Yeah, yeah. But no one cared about Queen. They just said, hey, he's fucked off David Bowie. Let's start.

If anything, it was more... Get behind me on this. It was more Queen, really. That's a Scottish band. No, they're not. They're all English. Come on. One of them's a dentist.

Everyone from Queen was Scottish except for Freddie Mercury. No, he's... Absolutely. No. They're all English apart from Freddie Mercury. No. Brian May? He's not fucking Scottish.

He's a fucking Glaswegian. Is he? Fuck. So he was three. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. All right. I'm making up a lot of shit. That's awesome. That'sian. Is he? Fuck. He's three. Go fuck yourself. I'm making up a lot of shit. That's awesome. That's good, dude.

You know what? I'm going to save because we're going to podcast with the Andy Andrus crowd, Christine Levine tomorrow. The guy that sent the bottle, save that for the next podcast because we'll do shots of that. I want to try that.

It looks mysteriously spoiled. Unfiltered is how they sell it in the craft brew. But yeah, this actually has filtered on the label. Someone sent a stolen Bible, and we get a few of these here and again. But this guy, his name is Bill. He sent a letter from the uh this was stolen from the holly motel in is it olympia olympia washington room 24 and it was uh something

that was special to him because a friend of theirs some old homeless dude that had lived in that hotel he's homeless i know i i saw the problem i'm seeing some holes in the story he lived there for eight years he was homeless he describes him but he lived in this they show a picture that's every motel you want to stay he was homeless but not motel less holly motel daily and weekly rates so this guy lived there for eight years and he was uh some old uh kind of hobo guy and he was dying of cancer so they were taking his shit out of the hotel because he had to move into a hospital to die yeah and he snagged the bible he says uh uh some of this was self-serving as it gave me the right to point out the religious how religious people

were full of shit with their giant expensive churches that are empty most of the time instead of opening them up to the helpless, homeless, and needy. Don't get me started. Anyway, it had some special meaning. So that was a nice stolen Bible that we got. Is that for us to sell when you go on a domestic tour? You know what? I was thinking, and I don't want to get fucking greedy after this helmet sale where everyone went batshit. But on the UK tour, we're not selling merchandise in the UK because it's a pain in the ass just getting stuff in.

And the venues are too big. And it's a pain in the ass. But we have posters that you will be selling on the website that you are now doing. And t-shirts. That's why, Brian, did you know that we're playing Dublin and Reykjavik in the same night? That's what

happens when Chaley's in charge of the website. It gets updated, but it gets updated wrong. We had an idea. The good thing is, I've checked updated wrong. We had an idea of how we could... The good thing is I've checked the flights. It is possible. We were thinking of a way to really maximize the profits while on tour. Now, if we had two Doug Stanhopes...

That was my idea. I could get the fat Jew. That was my idea. The fat Jew will do Dublin. No, I said we should franchise Dougugstan Hall and have a Dugstan Hall for every state. My God, if we could have a lookalike contest, someone would have to drink their head this swollen

and bloated for 35 years just trying to win. That's the guy with the bottle because I want to do shots of that when the comics are here, Andy and Mamu. We'll do that tomorrow. Yeah, we'll save that for tomorrow. Someone sent, bingo.

Yeah. This is when you guys all left me at once. Yeah. Even neighbor Dave and Floyd went out of town. Joby left town. Chaley's left town. Bingo went to France, which is great because it was right in the book.

Even fucking Reverend Derek left. I didn't even have my house monster and uh so i talked about that and uh this guy uh william burke thank you very much he said uh i heard the uh podcast where you were ruthlessly abandoned by your merry band of misfits, so I took it upon myself to make you some replacements so that when your friends are gone, they won't be all the way gone. And he made popsicle stick people with pipe cleaners and funny eyes. I've got boobies. Bingo is the only one that I could pick out because it has blue hair. That's not me.

Because you're the filthy uncut Scotsman. He's got the big wiener. You know, that does look uncut. Out of a pipe cleaner? That's a talent. You can't circumcise a pipe cleaner. And then you picked out one more. Oh, Chaley, because it has a bow tie. That's Chaley, for sure.

And the other two, I don't know. One of them's black. These look like what would be described as... Why was that Chad Shank? These look like what would be described as items found near the victim this is what is described at things that we will re-gift in merchandise so don't be surprised when any of these uh fan letters show up as well as Bisbee observers. I found all old Bisbee observers that Chad Shank has read and instead of throwing them away, I give

them to Chaley so he can randomly stuff them into merchandise. So if you want to order a UK tour poster, you're not going to get it in the UK. You get to order it here and then shipping is way too much and that's just fucking yell at your post office. It's not our fault.

It's not that bad. And we do have T-shirts. We're going to have T-shirts as well. And the first round should be shipping right before you go to... Where is that email? I don't even need it. Some guy sent an email with possible titles. I don't need it because the one that I

forwarded it to you for, he had a lot of funny stuff in that email. Names for the podcast. Names for the podcast on the 100th episode. And one of them was the Plastic Jug Podcast. I really like that. That's good. Yeah, it was good.

He had other funny ones, but I don't know where the fuck I put it. The podcast is still in there. i thought you wanted to get away from podcast i know i'm just giving the guy credit for plastic absolutely well his first idea was plastic jug vodcast for vodka and he goes but if that's too clever plastic jug podcast which is my thinking as i read it thank you for uh all the shit you sent and making this new studio happen. I love doing this here. We built a bar. We're sitting at a bar.

It feels like you're sitting at a bar. Brian's not paying attention to you. As you can tell, during the podcast, my mic boom failed. So I need to figure out some way to get these mics secured. Well, mine works. Yeah, yours is working, but not well. You know what? Maybe this is like the Patriots. This is Foxborough,

and we're killing your headset, so you don't get to talk. Okay. All right. A couple of football fans will get that. It happened again in the game last night, evidently. I saw something about that. ESPN put out this whole 10,000-word expose.

Did you read that, Henneken? Yeah. Oh, my God. Are you just trying to find your phone in your head? Is that all you're doing? Hey, dude, it's Burning Man. You can leave anytime you want. Anyway, yeah.

Isn't that Hotel California? No, that's where you can't leave. You can check out, but you can't leave. Wow, good thing that wasn't on the test. If we had a fucking citizenship test, yeah. What can you do and not do at the Hotel California? Can you check out anytime you want. What can you do and not do at the Hotel California?

Would be in the easiest. Can you check out anytime you want or can you? No, I like Doug's wording because it made you have to know the answer. You can check out anytime you like. You can never leave. All right. You're standing on a corner when a girl comes in a pickup truck. What city are you in?

I don't know. Winslow, Arizona. What's that? The Eagles. Standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona. That was such a fire. I was once driving from Phoenix down to here. There must be after some.

What kind of car? Sorry, I was in a story there. What make of the car was the girl driving in winslow arizona this is the only way you can i didn't know the first one is highly unlikely i don't know the second go ahead you're driving from phoenix yeah to to to to here and you know they have these battle you have these things the battle of the band and they put one band against another and it was the eagles versus pink floyd and it was like are against another and it was the Eagles versus Pink Floyd and it was like, are you

fucking shitting me? The idea that the Eagles would even be in the same room as Pink Floyd is disgusting. You know what? How dare you? Yeah, I dare backseat commentator. The History of the Eagles Part 1

Did you see that documentary i mean good documentary joe walsh was in the eagles oh shush i know shazan walsh's sister and she ain't no fucking eagle no she's not she's the sister of an eagle former eagle good documentary all right yeah that'll be a podcast when we're bored. Good Netflix documentaries. As soon as Chaley fixed my Netflix, because I tweeted briefly and then took it down. Hey, I only get two shows on Netflix. One is and is a picture of the Netflix screen. And then the second picture is cannot connect to Netflix.

Try again. Because that's all I got for two weeks. And then Chaley came over and showed me that my router was unplugged. Bingo. Jesus. So, yeah. We'll do it. One day we'll do a.

You unplugged your virtual. I don't know. The cat. Not the dead cat either. The fucking cat that should have died. All right. That's a podcast, I guess guess that's what you want to call it hey this is another track from mishka shubali's new album coward's path frankenstein heart thanks for listening if my heart was a horse, they would shoot it

And not just because my blood streams through This red cloth in my chest, I've tried to give it a rest But it's tougher than liquor Crack cocaine Meth, well, this old heart of mine Is a fucking Frankenstein It's a monster It's a sin against God

Well, it's disgusting It's deformed It's just barely alive Well it's alive And it ain't ever Gonna die It's been ground up Like hamburger

It's ripped And it's raw It's sh ground up like hamburger. It's ripped and it's raw. It's shriveled with black magic like the monster's maw. My black cursed heart. I'll try to curse your heart too. May you never be happy life you well so the part of mine

is a fucking Frankenstein it's a monster it's a sin it's gotta be well it's disgusting it's deformed It's just barely alive

But it's alive And never gonna die Well this old heart of mine Is me wrong every time I'm a monster I'm a sin against God Well, I'm disgusting, I'm deformed I'm just very alive But I'm alive

And I ain't ever gonna die