The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #105: How To Start A Riot hosted by Chad Shank

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

Recorded Oct. 25, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with guest host Chad Shank ( @hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille ( @gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Chad Shank guest hosts the Shotclog Podcast. How To Start A Riot.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBDonate to Chaille here. I appreciate it and anything helps stock the liquor shelf while Doug is away.LINKS -Wyrmwood (Movie Trailer) - http://bit.ly/1ILpWYZClosing Song, "Taxes and Jail" from Mishka Shubaly's new album COWARD'S PATH. Available now at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I know you're getting a lot of tweets, but I get some too. Not the frequency that you're getting them, but someone commented on my velvety voice. Nice. How are these deaf people here in the podcast? My velvety fucking pipsqueak Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse slash excitable voice. How is that velvety? I go, I think you need to look up what velvety means.

And then I also said, but thank you. Yeah, I want to try to thank everybody whenever they tweet me on there. But I don't want to. There's a lot of people. So I just thank them all when I'm on here. Thanks, everybody, for saying nice things to me. I tweeted that I felt like I had Down syndrome because everybody's being so nice. Not one person.

Everyone's a winner. Yeah. Good job. Good job, buddy. Yeah. But, yeah, thanks, everybody. I see all of the fuck tweets. I'm just antisocial even on social media.

But I see it, and that's really nice of you to say nice shit to me. I don't know what we're talking about tonight, Shailen. I don't know if you heard the last one. We'll just keep talking. I don't know if you heard the last one. Bingo did your intro from the UK in Manchester. No, I have not still maintained my same stance. Don't listen to yourself.

If I do, I'll be like, no, I'm not doing that shit again. I sound like a fucking idiot. But I don't mind. Doug did send me a – Doug's still in – actually, he's in – where is he right now, Trace? Sweden. Sweden. Sweden. Yeah.

So, yeah, he's got another, I think, 10 days, 11 days. So we're going to plug on. Right around the corner. Yeah. But he did send me an email that he got, and he wanted to know if I would ask you if you're interested. Someone by the name of Alistair sent an email, subject line, a friend of mine. Hey, Stan Hope, a friend of mine in England loves America and wishes to live over there to be near her friends in New Mexico. Do you have a friend she can marry?

I knew where this was going marry and a place to stay? Now, here's the description. She's 50, slim, bottle blonde, motorcycle racer, and likes ferrets. I guess I can see why Doug would think of me. I'm already married. I can't do that. Well, I know. That's against the law.

I'm just putting it out there. I actually, when I was in the Army, I have a story for every fucking thing. I might not even believe myself after a while if i fucking keep having a story for everything that is why a microphone's in front of you when i was young in the when i first joined the army when i was a kid i met a chick from the philippines in the bar across the street oh i incited a riot in the bar across the street one time if you want to talk across the street from the philippines in the barracks sorry I lived in the barracks in Alaska. Okay.

In Fairbanks. Yeah. And right across the street was the club, On Post Club. Do they have a name for that? Because they call the store the PX. Well. There's just one club, right?

I'm just laughing because it was really racist. The military is pretty racist. It was mostly black dudes hung out at the club there. So everybody at the barracks called it the African Oasis. African Oasis. But I think it was the Arctic Oasis was the real name of it. That sounds more like what they were. The military is pretty racist.

That's what the sign said, Arctic Oasis. Yeah, Arctic Oasis. The military is pretty racist. That's what the sign said, Article 8. Yeah, Article 8. The military is really racist. If you go to a mess hall in the army, it'll look exactly the same as a mess hall in a prison. People will self-segregate by race in the military. Oh, not like the color on the walls. You're saying how everyone breaks down into groups. Yeah, you'll have people sitting on the sides. It's's really weird i don't know what the fuck i was talking about

you're talking about uh some gal at the club oh i met a chick at the club and uh i was like i don't know how old i was 18 years old i had a fake id and she i started hanging out with her and she was married but her husband had like a ton of money so she would bring out snowmobiles she would go shopping and uh fill up my refrigerator at the barracks she had fucking tons of money well i gotta ask this why how is she on base if the to ask this. How is she on base? If the club's on base, how is she on base? I think you could just get on base with an ID at that time. I take it that she's Filipino, right?

Yeah. Yeah. She was a Filipino woman. She was older. I don't know how much. She was, I don't know, probably in her 40s or so. I was probably 18. So was her husband in the military? I have no idea. I didn't ask a probably in her 40s or so. I was probably 18. So was her husband in the military?

I have no idea. I didn't ask a lot of fucking questions. Unlike me. I got to fucking ruin everything. One of the other cool things was that she would call me up and say, well, what are you doing? And I'd say, well, I'm broke. I can't do anything.

So she'd say, well, me and my friends want to go to the club. So I'd say, all right. So she would have me get her and take her to the club, and then she would hand me like $1,000. Whoa, whoa, whoa. For one night? Because she had probably like six or seven friends. So the whole night she would come up to me and ask me to buy her friends drinks

and act like I was the one buying drinks for everybody. Big spender. Right. Not her. It was me. Yeah. drinks for everybody big spender and right not her it was me yeah and uh so so she saves face because you're the one you're your money bags and it and i would have my friends in the barracks also go out and i would buy their drinks off the other side i'd still go home with 300 in my pocket

most nights it was fucking fantastic it was a great arrangement. I loved it. Like I said, she'd bring groceries, fill my refrigerator with groceries. And then came the point, which I was... This reminded me of... Now I just remembered my story. Sorry. I'm kind of fucking drunk already. She said that her niece was in the Philippines

and she needed somebody to marry her to bring her over to the U.S. So she could stay. So she could stay. And she knew the whole ins and outs of everything. Curious, right? She said if you will marry her for three years, how long she said it would take, she said that she would pay for an apartment off post

and I could keep all the extra money the military gave me for being married and to pay for an apartment. Because you got extra money if you had a spouse. Exactly. And then did they pay you for rent? They pay you extra money for rent and groceries and everything. She said she would pay for all that and I could just keep all the extra money for rent and groceries and everything. She said she would pay for all that, and I could just keep all the extra money. I negotiated in for her to buy me a Jeep and pay my insurance for six months as well before I got scared.

Oh, you bailed out. I bailed out. I got scared. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it any better than that. That's it. I just got fucked. Cold feet is what they call it.

Yeah, well. You're the runaway groom. She wanted me to write letters and establish contact back and forth. Looking back on it, it was pretty well thought out, and I probably should have done it. Sketchy that she knows so much. She's probably attempted this before. Maybe she's got a lot of cousins could be could be she told me my niece is a virgin so you can't fuck her you i'll fuck you you can't fuck my niece i was like i was 18 years old i remember like i'm married to

her i'm i already see how this scam opens up into this spider webs out. It was an interesting situation. I didn't mean to interrupt your email with a fucking meandering, fucking ridiculous half story. I was just wondering if there was anything in the description. 50, slim, bottle blonde, motorcycle racer, or ferrets, which is the one thing. The ferret thing is the thing that creeps me out the most. Yeah, probably. Yeah.

And I don't think there's a motorcycle racer in the world that doesn't have crazy road rash somewhere. If you tell me a 50-year-old bottle blonde motorcycle racer, that doesn't conjure up the most positive image in my head, I don't think. I don't know. Picture that and then a ferret coming out of the collar of her leather jacket. Yeah. Hey, bimbos. Yeah. This is Uncle Chad.

She's on the set of a Steve McQueen movie. Or a triumph. Yeah. I don't know anybody. I'm already married or else I would do it if there was any sort of gain in it for me. I'm morally bankrupt and corrupt. Well, you're a negotiator. So even, I mean, clearly this is the first pass.

This is just to see if there's any interest out there. Did it mention any sort of benefits for the recipients at all? Well, ferret. You get to cuddle the ferret. That's a fucking downside if you ask me. That ferret wouldn't last a day. That would be my first negotiation. Listen, you're going to lose the fucking ferrets right away.

Me and the ferret are going out back. I might have a gun and a packet of lunch meat, but we're just going to go out here and talk for a bit. Your ferret ran away. Said something about it. I don't think you've ever talked about how you got into the Army. You said the thing that happened in Fairbanks was when you were 18. So you got in at 18. I went in the Army early.

I turned 18 in the Army. I didn't have much choice. I didn't know that poor people could go to school with Pell Grants and stuff for one thing. Because I was poor, so I would have been able to do that. I didn't know. So I thought that was the only option. So I was trying to go in the Coast Guard originally. But we didn't have a Coast Guard recruiter, so he was in Phoenix.

Wait, where were you at? Globe, Arizona. Globe, Arizona. That's right. Yeah. So I had to talk to a Coast Guard recruiter out of Phoenix. Globy, Arizona. That's right.

Yeah. So I had to talk to a Coast Guard recruiter out of Phoenix. It seems a weird place to have a Coast Guard recruiter. But I guess, I mean, they've got to recruit like everyone. And that's where the main, they call it MEPS. I don't remember what it sounds for, but Military Entrance Processing Station. There you go. Fucking military training kicks in, man. I'm telling you.

Advertising works. I forgot what the fuck I was saying. Oh. Coast Guard. I think that's what it is. It's just the main place was in Phoenix. Yeah. So they have somebody from every branch.

So I was talking to him. A public affairs specialist was the job that I was looking at doing with those guys. And what does that entail? I don't remember, but I interpret it as like a fucking spin doctor. Like you just take what bullshit that happens and fucking make it sound better for public consumption. Like if something happened. Here's what really happened. Without lying, tell the fucking people what happened.

But don't fucking tell them this. And I'm good at that. You're great at that. I think that was the last episode we were talking about. The way you were able, on the fly, to come up with things and to make them believable. That is basically public relations. So that was what I had.

But I had other issues going to school. Somebody tweeted me the other day and asked me if after I joined the military, it was when I had started having mental problems. Yeah. And I think that's whenever it first got noticed. That's whenever it first got on paperwork and stuff. But I had three assault charges before I graduated high school. So I had already had some fucking anger issues, obviously.

The police were aware of you. Previously. So I had already had some run-ins with this sort of thing. So I was walking down the street, and this was in the 90s, whenever people had super soaker water guns. Yeah, the things you pump up. Like theys whenever people had super soaker water guns uh yeah the things you you pump up and like they blast the fuck out of you with water and i was walking and i could dude that i didn't even know thought it would be funny like popped out and just soaked me with a water

gun and i fucking beat the shit out of him and there was a crowd there, so they would call the cops and stuff. And I took off running, and I ran down an alleyway, and I ran by the movie theater to hide. And right in the little nook right there by the movie theater was the Army recruiting station, where I ended up trying to look at the brochures or something all nonchalant. Trying to wipe the sweat? Yeah.

Calm your breathing. Because you're on the lam, basically. Yeah, I was running, basically hiding from the cops, and the guy's like, well, did you ever thought about joining the army? And I was like, I'm fucking thinking about it right now. How quick can I join?

Yeah, I was only 17. I had to wait a little while still, but I ended up joining the army right then. Oh, that was it? Yeah. The super soaker incident pushed you into fate. It was the end. I had already had several assault charges from when I was, I think, my freshman year of high school was the first time I got an assault charge.

Did the Army have any, obviously they had no problem with that. No, they were actually cool with it. They said that they fucking would... Don't tell anybody about this. That's none of nobody's business. They were fucking cool as shit. One of the recruiters, not the one that recruited me, but his partner, ended up doing methamphetamine with the other guy that I went to school with

that was fucking also going in the army. He would bring other people in to try to recruit them, and he'd go in the bathroom and leave them a line of meth on the fucking counter. So they had a shady operation going. They work in teams like a used car salesman? Yeah. Let me go talk to my manager. I don't know if I can sell this without the undercoat.

The Marines had a problem with my fucking assault charges i call them pussies because i don't understand it they i my first choice was to go in the marines so you've been into a recruiting before i ever at the high school after i took the ass vab before i ever talked to the coast guard even i talked to the marines because the marines the fucking, they're the badass. You know, you're 16, 17 years old. That's what you think about. So I wanted to go to the Marines, and they told me, no, you have assault charges.

They didn't like that? The fuck? Don't you guys kill people? I told them that. They weren't impressed with me at all. Did you tell them that they were pussies? I did. Right to his face I told him he was a pussy.

I was angry because I was like, that's... Well, he's certainly not going to assault you. Assault. He didn't want one on his record. Think of the logic of that. We don't want you to come and train to murder people because you have a history of punching them in the head. You've shown a penchant for this behavior already.

Yeah. Fuck them. All right. But the army had no problem with it. They were willing to cover it. Matter of fact, I was hot for weed when I was supposed to go take my piss test. Hot for weed, meaning it was in your system?

Yeah, if I'm going to take a piss. And you knew you were going to do the piss test in advance. Yeah. You just couldn't. Whatever. No, I know plenty of people like that. But the recruiter postponed it for me for another couple of weeks so that I could, I told them I was almost there, but –

You leveled with them. Fucked up, yeah. They were all right with it. Shout out to my recruiter friend in the Army. The one without the mask. Hey, Ryan. The other guy didn't help you out at all. Yeah.

You said something in the past about uh your first experience in the army like right when you got there whenever i first joined the army i thought it was going to be the only experience that i had in my head was watching like full metal jacket which it wasn't like that at all but it was it wasn't like the movie yeah i didn't know yeah i'm a fucking town of 5 000 people how am i gonna know what the fuck it's like so well you basically got into the army because you were running from a guy you beat up that squirted you with water so zero this whole thing's kind of crazy i'll have zero life experience i'm a fucking idiot i don't know

i went in as a mechanic. I don't remember. What did you ask me about? Oh, when I first went in. Yeah. Yeah. My very first experience was to fucking get in trouble for not having a chin, which is, now I have a little bit of fucking facial hair to try to hide it, but it's a fucking

something I was aware of for a long time. I, I, I get off the bus and they're yelling at us and say, get up, you know, pick up your gear. We have a big old fucking bag full of gear and some asshole in the barracks

while they're doing this across the street is playing free bird by Leonard Skinner just to be fucking ironic, fucking douchebag. So I'm fucking listening to them. berate people up and down the aisle. We're in formation standing there. And the drill sergeant comes over and looks at me from the side and says, probably you don't have a fucking chin. You don't respond anyway.

You just stand there. But I'm thinking, the fuck is that? I can't get in trouble for being ugly. It's not fucking fair. You're not fucking. You know how charismatic I had to be through high school to get laid being this fucking ugly? Now you're going to berate me for it. Then he called over another drill sergeant to show

him that i don't have a chin so he uh oh then he yells at me about uh have you ever seen the movie stripes and i tell no drill sergeant and he says you know then they berated me because i'd never seen the movie stripes which i was 17 years old i don't fucking never seen and he tells me uh the movie stripes is about a fat guy who joins the army to lose weight which then i fucking when i later when i watched stripes i found out that that's not even fucking true. That's a fucking minor fucking subplot point of some John Candy's character. Dewey Oxberger was a sub. Yeah. He was a major character in that group of guys, but that was a subplot, definitely.

To say that's what it's about, fuck you, drill sergeant. But I can't. I have to sit there. I'm sorry, but I didn't know that at the time. It wasn't even a subplot. It was just them sitting around bullshitting. It was a minor point, character point. Character point.

Yeah, but I didn't know that at the time. I was too busy still thinking, this is fucking ridiculous. I'm being berated for being ugly. This is not what I expected. And not knowledgeable in Bill Murray movies. What the fuck is that? Yeah, they had some weird fucking standards apparently there at Fort Knox, Kentucky. But then he proceeded.

And then I was also wondering at the same time, I weighed 160 pounds. I gained 25 pounds in basic training of muscle. I was a fucking little skinny kid. So then I was thinking, are you a fucking moron? Do you not know the difference between an ugly guy who doesn't have a chin or a fucking fat guy with a double chin? Do I look like I need to lose weight? And then I had to do push-ups.

By that point, I had to get down with all my gear on and do fucking push-ups. Much like stripes. for being ugly. So wait, were you the Dewey Oxberger or were you the Bill Murray character? I was neither. I was a fucking quiet guy who made it through barely with

only one time getting in a fight in basic training. And then you get caught for it. Only one assault in basic training? Only one assault in basic training? One assault in basic training. I was really trying to walk the line. I had nothing to go home to. And you were in Kentucky.

Where were you? Fort Knox, Kentucky. For basic training. So yeah, that was my introduction to the Army. So is Stripes accurate as far as Army goes? Do you get RVs and stuff? Yeah. Parts of it are accurate, I think.

Finish basic training on your own without Sergeant Hulka? I don't know. The Army was a different experience. I was trying to get jobs for the band to go and do USO tours because it's really lucrative. And you get to see the world. And that's what I want to do. And they insisted that we had a female in the band. Oh, wow.

You can't have any, no cussing. The kind of music you play had to be appropriate for, you know, like a PG audience kind of thing. And it was like, what the fuck is this? That's pretty cool. It's just too many, and I'm not putting a chick in the band. Just for music, though. Yeah, but you would play at like the clubs and stuff.

Comedians is all. Well, that's the thing. I'm sure they had the same rules for any kind of medium that went in there. I don't know. It just seemed like they were, they're asking a lot instead of just like, Oh,

this is your band. Yes or no. It's like, Oh, this is your band. What if we tweak it? We're going to change it to where it's not really your band anymore. And then we'll take it.

Just fucking hire a bunch of fucking musicians and have them play on bass. We never had a band. We must have had a low budget club. We had a DJ. That was when I incited a riot in the club. It was over the DJ. Because the DJ asked for requests. Come on up and give me your request.

Yeah. DJ because the DJ asked for requests. Come on up and give me your request. Yeah. And I think I was just feeling angsty probably about fucking having to listen to fucking rap music like nonstop. So I went over and I requested ACDC Back in Black. And I was probably, I was like the only white guy there. And he didn't play it.

So I went and asked him again later. He kept not playing it. And I asked him again when I got really fucked up. And by the time he was done and said, you know, all right, and, you know, club's closing and turned on the lights, I started yelling, you know, what happened to my song? You didn't fucking play my song. And I'm standing on the bar stool hollering,

hey, what the fuck happened to my song? You said you'd play it. And the dude started talking his shit back to me on the mic. So everybody in the club was immediately like, who in the fuck is this? And I got fucking mobbed. Wow. And I didn't even get punched.

A lot of people just mobbed and security immediately came in between and pushed me out the door. I didn't punch anybody. Nobody punched me. I never threw a punch, but I started the whole fucking thing. Immediately, while security's trying to push me out the door, other people are now getting in fights with each other sure on the other side of security i lived in the barracks directly across the street so i fucking just ducked out and just hauled ass across the street i sat there and watched the whole thing somebody pulled out a gun shot and uh i think they shot in the air but it was people scattered those fucking mps were there it was a gigantic fucking riot

that i started because they wouldn't play acdc and had they played acdDC, none of this would have happened. Man, one song. Is that too much to ask? I listened to a thousand rap songs. All I wanted was ACDC. Back in black, was there some type of subtle fucking racist undertones? Maybe, but I didn't mean it. I don't know. I think about that now. It's a great album.

That's a good song. That's a great album. That's a good song. That's a great song. I had a lot of high school drinking memories with that song, and I was drunk in the bar across the street. I just wanted... Chad, did you have a chance to explain this to the DJ? I did not. Maybe that's where this car fuffle just ran off the rails. One of us immediately resorted to violence,

and it just escalated. Well, one of you resorted to microphone. It escalated for a lot of people. That really drew attention to the whole thing, was that he talked shit on the mic. That was really whenever it blew up, because him and I were just talking shit at first. I was standing on the barstool, but there's a fucking thousand people in there trying to leave. Yeah, but if you're standing on the barstool yelling and no one's engaging with you, then you're just an idiot standing on a barstool. Exactly.

He was 50 feet away from me, only when engaging with me till he got on the mic and then it was a fucking riot. But it wasn't my riot. You're like the party planner i like to incite them i don't like to hang around for the handcuffing sessions let's just take a break i agree let's take a break and and maybe take a piss and get a drink. So, Greg Chaley, what's going on with these new website merchandise specials? Is it Black Friday? You might as well call it that, because we've got black and oatmeal podcast t-shirts in a special right now with a signed DVD, Deadbeat Hero. That's going to cost hundreds of dollars.

Wait, there's more. We're throwing in two stickers. A podcast sticker and a Killer Termite sticker. The thousand dollar stickers? Yes. How much are you giving this away for? Are you kidding me? Price so low you won't even believe it. Every time I go to Pino Salto's to have a nice vacation,

Chaley's giving away the store. Hey, Greg Chaley, you know what? It's weird that we can't get my fucking dates or my podcast up on the website, but somehow you're figuring out how to get merchandise specials. That makes me a little tentative about your whole angle

plus my smashed bumper. I think you're out to get me. So go to the website and check out these sales, and if you're screwing me, Greg Chaley, I'll get you back. You'll be the last to know. Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard.

I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. The Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, we're back at the Doug Stanhope Shot Clock Podcast. Oh, that's right. I always forget it's Shot Clock until someone says it, and I go, oh, that's right. That's funny. I remember it on Twitter, but I always forget when we're on here, so I thought I'd try to remember to say it.

We're drinked up. Half in the bag. What are you drinking? Tracy made it. I don't even know what it is. It's good. Trace? Vodka Gimlet. Vodka Gimlet. Excellent. Thank you, Tracy. I wanted to ask you about

you were talking about the Army earlier. How you got into the Army. You grew up in Globe. We know about that. But what about the first time you had a job? I guess, how old were you and what was it? Well, I was pretty young when I went in the Army.

So when I was 17, I turned 18 in basic training. You signed up when you were 17 and you had to wait until you were 18 before they would take you? Close to 18. I was like a month or so before my 18th birthday when I started basic training. And you had three assault charges before you got out of high school. So what kind of work? Did you do any work? I did several things as like a kid still.

Like my first job that I kind of had was when I was 15, we moved into a place. I had, my stepdad was a taxidermist. No fucking way. So right outside the shop, he had a taxidermy shop. So I worked in his taxidermy shop for him. Like cleaning up skins? Exactly. It's called fleshing.

Yeah, you got to get all that meat off. I would put it over the board and I would flesh all the meat off of the skin without cutting holes in it because then you have to sew up the holes. It's pretty hard. So you're basically scraping off the fat. Exactly. And getting just down to the leather. And I would sew rugs. The menial work he would have me do,

because taxidermy is an art. You have to mold the facial features and shit, but he would have me, and then you airbrush it. So it was an art too, but he would have me do the cleanup small stuff. So I did that for him when I was, I don't know, maybe 15 years old. But also outside there, right across the street from that place,

was a place that boarded horses. Like stables? Yeah, it was stables, and it was for people who lived in town, but they had a horse, so they would show up once a week and fucking pet their horse and then fucking leave. But someone had to take care of it? Well, I started noticing as a fucking ambitious 15 year old that you know right i could i started offering i was like hey i'll clean your

horse stables for you for 25 bucks they were real small horse stables yeah just shovel all the shit out of it and i can make 25 bucks was this to the horse owners or to the guy around the state to the horse owners themselves i would i was home there and I would watch when they showed up to visit their horse. Then I would approach them and say, hey, I'll fucking live over here. If you ever need me to clean out your horse stall for you, I'll do it for 25 bucks. I'd do it for some other people. Even when I didn't do it for other people, I told them that. Sure.

He started. Pepper Galatians. Yeah. But I discovered right away that cleaning a $25 horse stall would yield me like $200 in mushrooms right away. So that was a pretty decent first job, I think. So the mushrooms would grow that fast? Overnight or something? No, because some people really... That's what made me have the idea was because

some people really neglected... Most people who stabled their horses really kind of neglected them. Wait, there was no person overseeing like a manager? No, dude. It's a fucking little redneck hick town. Who's going to... So you... Wasn't someone supposed to be cleaning the stalls anyway?

The people were supposed to clean them themselves. And they don't care enough. They bought a horse and didn't have a place for it. I would clean some of them and it would be like almost two feet thick of shit. A muck. But mushrooms, like, fuck. Oh, wow. You wouldn't believe in there.

It's white, long, coned mushrooms. And I looked them up at the library and found out that, yeah, I thought they were because I knew a little bit, but at least you could look in shit for hallucinogenic mushrooms. I knew that much. So when I found them, I knew enough to keep them and go to the library and look it up. And they were the right ones. I know that you can get them from cows.

I never heard that you could get them from like a horse manure. Shit is shit, I guess. Well, I thought it was because the cows would be grazing out in the fields. And then that's where we would look for them and never found them. It was two days after it rained in Tampa. Yeah. Out in the fields where they've... Yeah, the white, I don't know the name of them,

the long, white, conical fucking... Yeah. Not the psilocybin, red, white, spotted mushrooms. It's better than shoveling shit, but you still gotta shovel the shit, right? And you have to wash off the mushrooms. Yeah. There's a lot of tedious stuff, but mushrooms are fucking worth a lot more than $25.

The last thing I'd ever want to do is see where any illegal drugs came from. The least of my worries is that it came from a pile of manure that is probably the most that's like the least offensive thing that's probably been stepped on a bindle a blow or anything else that you come across one of the things that i when i decided that i didn't want to take methamphetamine i never had a problem problem with it, but I would do it whenever.

And one day I overanalyzed it and fucking thought about how or who made it. And I'm like, some fucking dirty motherfucker making shit in buckets in a nasty fucking bathroom. Some wiggle-tooth hillbilly with a fucking oar.

I'm going to trust this guy and ingest shit. So that helped with that. That's an enterprising venture. I mean, to figure out how to get in there to actually get to the manure and then to realize that you had a bigger stake in peddling mushrooms. I was hoping for 25 bucks. Yeah, that's fucking quite a score.

Yeah. It was all right. I'm not really good with transitioning here. Yeah, I don't either. My story's just kind of fucking peter out. There's not really a... No, I asked you what your first job was. That's a good job.

I didn't know about the taxidermy, though. It's the really a... No, I asked you what your first job was. That's a good job. I didn't know about the taxidermy, though. It's the journey, not the destination. Taxidermy was fun. I had a lot of different experiences. I had a pretty cool when I was young, because my mom kind of had mental illness and would

hop us all around. Yeah, you were very transient. You moved place to place to place quite a bit. So I lived on a ranch with horses for a while. She lived with a guy who was, you know, they did rodeos and fucking... What? Yeah.

He was like in the rodeo or he put them on? He was involved in it. Evilly, his son, was one of the best bull riders and then the other, his son-in-law, was a bullfighter, rodeo clown, but a bullfighter. They fucking do some crazy shit out there. So I got to be around a lot of different.

There's bullfighters in rodeo? That's what the rodeo clowns call themselves. Oh, because they have to kind of dodge them. That's basically what they're doing. They're not stabbing them with the pikes or whatever, the sword. No, no, no. They're just evading. Bull evaders would probably be more apt, but maybe not.

This was like, I don't know, the 80s. You want to be politically correct for the rodeo clowns? How much integrity is a guy who dresses like a clown in a big hoop skirt? I'm not trying to clown shame anybody. I think I invented a new shaming the other day. I tried to post it on Twitter, but it was too long, so I just posted it on my Facebook. I was hanging outside Walmart.

My daughter went to Walmart, so I was hanging outside in the parking lot waiting for her. And a lady came over to her car and unloaded her cart into her car and then went over to the edge. And you know how you fucking put the front wheels over the... Papa wheelie. Exactly. Papa wheelie over the curb and just leave your shit right there.

So I'll roll into someone's car, which I think is courteous. Yes. So she was getting ready to do that but i noticed that she did these like fucking glances around to see if anybody was watching her so i knew that she felt guilty about doing this so i just got out of my truck with my phone and pretending i was filming her she looked like i don't she looks so fucking ashamed i don't know who she thought i was gonna show it to you or what she thought but she fucking sulked back i wished i would have filmed it after so you weren't even really no because i wasn't trying to you know i just wanted to

fucking laugh for myself. I didn't know that it was going to fucking turn out that great. For the heinous crime of like popping a wheelie onto a landscape strip. And the only reason I thought of it was because she looked around guiltily first. Like, yeah. So I knew she was an easy mark. For what? The parking lot police?

Yeah, I do it too. I knew she was an easy mark. For what? The parking lot police? Yeah, I do it too. Well, just today before I came over here, I stopped at Safeway. I got some beer and ice. And I came out.

And as I went around the side of Safeway, there was a dude coming in. And I pulled the stuff out and put it in my truck and started to get in my truck. And he was walking past with his cart. And he tried to do the same to me. He didn't film me. But he stopped and tried to stare me down like, are you going to fucking take that cart with you? Oh, because you were just leaving your cart. Because I just unloaded my shit and left my cart on the side.

Oh, like you saw the lady do. Everybody fucking does it. That's why they have fucking juvenile delinquents that fucking go out and round up the carts. What are they going to do? You're creating jobs. Job security. I used to be the kid who rounded up carts. Do you know how much the kid appreciates going around the side of Safeway to pick up the carts?

It's like a break. It's going to take fucking 10 minutes to go get my cart and he's gonna love me for it fuck you cart shamers but so that's hypocritical isn't it but the guy tried to cart shame me yeah and i fucking just stared him back down until he just dropped his head and fucking coupled my cart with his cart and took both of them back over to the front so i i shamed the i cart shamed the shame i don't know what i did i shamed the the cart shamer you cart shamed a shame you cart. Cart shaming, shaming. Cart shaming, shaming.

That's what it is. Fucking cart shamers. But now when I'm hanging out in parking lots, because whenever people have to go to the store, I often hang out in parking lots. Creepy. Because I don't want to go, well, I just sit in the truck. It's Arizona, dude. I don't want to go, well, I just sit in the truck. Well, it's Arizona, dude.

I don't want to go inside. You know what's creepier? Me beating people up in Safeway for fucking no reason. So I just want to stay outside. But I think I might actually start filming people who are leaving their carts unattended to see what sorts of reactions. Not returning their carts to that little corral. It's not a very non-confrontational

way, but if it's anything like what happened with that lady, it's going to be fucking hilarious. It's weird how people get really like... She could have come to you like, what are you filming? She could have easily... Flip like, what are you filming? She could have easily.

Flip me off. Fuck you. Middle finger and said, fucking enjoy the view, motherfucker. But when people think they're being filmed or they think they're doing something wrong, that's what it is. When people think they're doing something wrong. And it also has to do with carrying yourself as like an authority figure. Like I have something over you. And I don't know if that makes sense, but it's fucking manipulation tactic, I guess.

Yeah. I mean, it's different now because, I mean, I'm older than you, but when I was a kid, there weren't cameras anywhere. It was fucking, there was, I mean, you could steal anything. We've talked about shoplifting before. Right, right. You could do whatever the fuck you wanted. And now, I don't even know how they get away with it. I was a kid who used to hug peaches off of a tree, hide behind a wall and hug them in cars as they went by. When I first got out of the army i went home and

a kid was hucking through rocks and hit my car and i felt i was like 20 years old but i'm gonna fucking get out and i'm gonna set this kid straight you know and i got out and i was like hey where are your parents you know because i knew that would have scared me when i was hucking peaches and shit anything he was probably like eight years old. So I thought I was going to help him out and scare him straight. And he looked at me and flipped me off and goes, fuck you. Oh, shit. I didn't know what to do. I just got back in my truck and left.

I don't know how to respond to that. Shut you down. Yeah. Fucking eight-year-old. Can't punch an eight-year-old. I mean, I guess you can, but you got to make sure nobody's going to know. It's got to be yours. Anything else, Chad?

I don't know. Those are the notes I got. Yeah, I don't think so. I was trying to watch stuff. North Korea documentary. That was pretty interesting. I watched documentaries to watch stuff. North Korea documentary. That was pretty interesting. I watched documentaries on North Korea. The difference in between the way that it's portrayed here and the way that it actually is.

Are you talking about the one with Dennis Rodman when he went over there as an ambassador of basketball? One of the ones I watched had some Dennis Rodman in it. It's fucking pretty kooky. They're all pretty kooky over there. North Korea is like a big cult, though. It's like one big cult. They have a religious worship of... It wouldn't be too bad if you could get in on the top level.

Bottom, lower levels, you're suffering pretty bad. It's like a big pyramid scheme. Right. You want to be at the top level yeah bottom lower levels you're suffering you know pretty bad like a big pyramid scheme right yeah you want to be at the top two tiers tell me where that's not true that's fucking called life motherfucker they just have it in a microcosm where they've eliminated technology then it's all they've they give tours like, this is our technology room, and they're like 80s computers that aren't hooked up because they don't allow anybody to look up shit. It's, I don't know, dictatorship, but they have a fucking pretty decent plan, I think.

I don't know. I wouldn't mind getting in on a top-level fucking organization like that. I think I recall hearing something on NPR where they talked to a guy who's an expert on North Korea. It's a matter of time before the information will disseminate between the West and North Korea. The clock is ticking on how much time they can continue to keep everyone in the dark. Well, they're not even so much in the dark. They already know.

They're like battered wives. They're like, where are they going to go? They don't have anything. They get Adam Sandler movies and Silver Lining playbook. They see what's happening. One of the documentaries I watched was about the people who defected to

south korea and they're all like this is worse than being in north korea it's fucking horrible here now i'm a hooker yeah before i just had shitty plumbing and my electricity went off sometimes but i don't know i don't know cult i've been listening to some Jonestown stuff, so cult mentality is pretty strong in my head. You're talking about the Reverend Jim Jones? Reverend Jim Jones. I don't know. I didn't have nothing to talk about with that. That's going nowhere.

I'm just drunk now. You were in a cult state of mind? Yeah, I'm just drunk mumbling about cults now. Happens sometimes. And on Hulu, I watched Mayday Plane Crash Investigations. That was pretty good. There's more plane crash

movies or documentaries if people want to watch those on Hulu. I like those. Any more horror movies? No, I don't know any good. if people want to watch those on Hulu. I like those. Any more horror movies? No, I don't know any good horror movies. What are your... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did watch one.

An Australian zombie flick called Wormwood, and there's also a subtitle, but W-I... or W-Y-R-M. I saw that, too. I didn't see the movie. I saw it in a preview or something. It's fucking pretty intriguing.

I couldn't shut it off. Wait, what channel was it on? Sci-Fi? I watched it on Netflix. Netflix. Yeah. But yeah, Wormwood, Australian zombie flick. It's like indie, low budget, so you can't expect high production, but it's good.

Thank you all for listening to another guest-hosted episode of the Doug Stanhope Shot Clock Podcast. I had a very much good time. A very much good time. That's drunk talk. People will get it. I'm trying to talk to some drunk people. This is probably the last one we'll do, right? I don't know.

Oh, okay. I'll just pretend like it is. Hold on. Farewell to everybody. You never know when the last one's going to be, Chad. You live for the moment and you live for the day. That's true. We still didn't eat any mushrooms.

No, that means there'll be one more podcast. Mushroom cast. That'll be fun. A mush cast? I said mushroom cast when I'm drunk, and you thought I said mush cast because I have mush mouth. That's not right, man. Mushroom cast.

mouth. That's not right. We're going to close with a song from Mishka Swali's album, Coward's Path, available at DougStanHope.com. Taxes in jail. She turns off the light in the bedroom to make it easier to pretend I'm somebody new. Baby, I don't blame you for pretending. I'm pretending I'm someone else too.

someone else too So let's raise a glass to disappointment Let's raise a glass to regret Oh what the hell Let's raise a glass

to pretending that we never met You won't hear from me That you're beautiful Cause it's your insecurity That keeps you around beautiful cause it's your insecurity that keeps you around but baby you know you can't

always count on me when you need someone to let you down so let's raise a glass to disappointment Let's raise a glass to regret

Oh what the hell Let's raise a glass to pretending What the hell? Let's raise a glass To pretend That we never met You played nurse To my wounded soldier And damn it That skirt fits you well soldier and dammit that skirt

fits you well but you were such a sweet kid stuck with an invalid surprised you lasted as long as you did so let's raise a glass to failed ventures.

Let's raise a glass to plans gone awry. My love was as big as the Titanic Is that an iceberg Between your thighs So let's raise a glass To cheap shots Let's raise a glass To betrayal God damn it all to hell Let's raise a glass to betrayal

God damn it all to hell Let's raise a glass Let's raise a glass To everything failed Yeah, let's drink To taxes and jail. Oh, shut up.