The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #107: "The Butcher of Black Knob" hosted by Chad Shank

Episode Date: November 4, 2015

Recorded Oct. 31, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with guest host Chad Shank ( @hdfatty), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille ( @gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Chad Shank guest hosts the Halloween Shotclog Podcast.Donate to Chaille here. I appreciate it and anything helps stock the liquor shelf while Doug is away.Doug's UK TOUR MERCH - http://bit.ly/1KQLuVBLINKS -Halloween Vine Clip - https://vine.co/v/e3JYTJd7wTWGhost Ride Productions:  http://www.ghostride.com/Closing Song, "Ohio" from Mishka Shubaly's new album COWARD'S PATH. Available now at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You know what? Let's start this podcast with cheers. This is the Halloween podcast. Happy Halloween. The Doug Stanhope Shot Clock Podcast, guest hosted by none other than Chad Shank. Yay. Thank you, guys. Cheers. What a great night.

This was a fun fucking Halloween. This was a fun fucking Halloween. I have to tell you, I was reticent to get up this morning early and then go schlep flyers around town because I thought someone would yell at me. And I'm going to go pick up the fly. I'm not going to be that douchebag. I'm going to go. I know my route is my walking route, and I'm going to go pick up those fucking flyers. So everyone's not looking at something from October in January. There's a lot of dumb motherfuckers here too.

So people will be showing up every day not realizing what date you're supposed to show up to. Another reason. And also a telephone pole. You see all those staples? Don't staple. One wrap of tape will outlast your event. Your event will be long gone by the time that tape will let go of that paper. So, yeah, tonight surpassed any kind of projection I would have had for the haunting

the blacknug blacknug butcher of Bisbee. It was fucking great. I had no expectations but I know you fucking made me up to look fucking badass. I didn't want to take it off at the end when we were done. I was like I want to still be this guy.

You were at one point, we still had an hour and 15 minutes to go, and you're like, I'm tired. And then you fucking cracked a beer, and it's like, hey, you can take a break. He's like, no, let's go. And you're still drinking beer. It was fantastic. It was a great night.

We ran out of full-size candy bars. That was part of the spiel. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know how many to expect, but there was a lot. We didn't get that many breaks. It was like playing street hockey or something. Car!

Car! Everybody ducking to their spots. It was so – I haven't had that many – I mean, when we were in Alaska, we lived in a neighborhood, like a loop. Not a cul-de-sac but it was like a loop, right? And we had like a hundred kids one night.

We had one kid at the door there was like a group of kids and they're all like you could see over them, right? You could see over every single one of them. And then there was a gentleman in a football jersey at the end. And I was like, oh, that's so nice that he walks the kids around.

And then he comes to the door and goes, trick or treat. And shoves this pillowcase. A full-grown dude. Fucking A. He had a mustache, dude. And I've known a guy who had a mustache in fucking like sophomore year right this guy was a fucking sophomore he's like a fucking like a like a samoan dude in anchorage who not only was walking all the kids around but scored heavy on candy

he didn't have to snatch any bags. I think we had a few tonight that left without getting any candy. There were people who drove by the house and kept going. Slow down and look to the zombie. So nice. I can't decide which was my favorite one. The little girls who jumped into their dad's van that was yelling at screaming at him to go go go was great but the last one of the night when we it was past the time nine o'clock we stopped because our fucking neighbors the the uh the canyon we live in or the gully we live in everything broadcasts so they're listening to our fucking looping minute and a half of

horrible screams three hours is enough right it's enough for us it's enough for them who have no fucking interest in all their lights are off their porch lights are off yeah we should have an egg in their house so yeah when when that kid i went up to the car and said, hey, yeah, we're closed. And I thought it was just the two of them because we started getting older people coming by thinking it was a haunted house. And then the window rolled down. It was like a scene in a movie. It's like, hey, you two, sorry. The moose should have told you at the front.

We're closed now. Sorry, the moose should have told you at the front. We're closed now. And then the window rolls down, and I see this kid with his mask up on his head. And she's like, there's only one kid. I'm like, put the windows up. I'll give you the sign. And it was like silent.

All the props were away. Yeah, yeah. And you came out, and you didn't even come out. Chad was the butcher of Black Knob, which he'll be that forever now. And there was no audio and all the props were gone. But this kid, when he went up to the door, Tracy gave him no full-size candy. Sorry about that. And then the way he just said, happy Halloween at the end.

We walked down. I didn't come out and yell because he was little and he was timid. And I just kind of went around the side. Good read. Good read, by the way. He got probably bed wetter after the night. Oh, yeah. And I just stood still and just moved slightly so he knew that I was a person. And then he just stopped and he's looking at me and didn't know what to do.

And then he just real slow waved, like with just his fingers, bringing his fingers up. Don't kill me. Yeah. And then he goes, happy Halloween. Oh, my God. Yeah. That was good. That and the girls.

And the lady who left her baby there in the baby carriage and just fucking ran out into the street. That was the thing. in the baby carriage and just fucking ran out into the street. That was the thing. Is it like no – like where we live, Black Knob View is – if you walk it, the loop, it's two roads with like a canal in between, right? If you walk that loop, it's a mile. So a lot of people walk it in the morning, right? We had so many people down that

road that probably didn't even know Black Knob existed. That was amazing to me. And we had a lot of groups of like eight or nine people, 10 people would roll up in a SUV, and they'd come in. And this group group like offloaded a baby carriage and then had the kids go up front. And clearly the most scared person was pushing the carriage. And the way that the scare was is Tracy would be at the top of the steps and invite them in. And I'm to the left of the steps in a ghillie suit, which is a camouflage suit. And I look like a bunch of leaves and debris.

Shadows, yeah. And Chad is to the right. And he is in a murder butcher scene with a fucking bloody axe and blood all over him. The button that hits strobe lights and bells and shit. When Tracy says, happy Halloween, Chad knows, hit the button, and then the audio changes, the lights change, and then he comes out. And that got her, because she never even got up the steps, because the carriage was at the bottom of the steps.

That got her to the extent that she was freaked out. And then I rise out of a pile of trash. And the two things combined, she bolted and left the baby in the carriage at the steps. The unscared baby. If I would have saw there was a baby, I would have took it easy. But it was blocked from view. Because the steps on the side, it was blocking the way. And at the same time, a kid that was in that same group walked right by the baby to the SUV.

Oh, that was fucking great. Such a great night. You guys even talked about going to the SUV. Oh, that was fucking great. Such a great night. You guys even talked about going to the bar. I was even tempted to go to the bar because I was having such a good time, but I'm glad we didn't do that. You know what? Sometimes you push it. Yeah, that's it.

Actually, we're doing all right. We pre-gamed a little here. We don't have to say anything. I think it'll it'll kick in be self evident you're smiling so that was that was a very memorable

scare the uh leaving your kid leaving your kid with Tracy and Greg and Chad that was a memorable scare. The kids rushing off into the car and the dad. Go, go, go.

The dad taking off before the door was shut. That was good, too. Yeah. Yeah. And we vine. Oh, and by the way, we vine and periscoped the scenes tonight. So we'll put those in the show notes. And by the way, if you see a time schedule on a haunt, fucking don't push it.

This is not Applebee's where we'll take you right at 9 o'clock. Like, all right, look, we're usually closed, but if you just order off the appetizer menu, it's cool. No, guess what? At nine o'clock, we are in the funhouse podcasting. We're done, motherfucker. There was a basket of arms and legs right here. You missed that. All the silence you hear was carefully crafted audio soundscapes.

Trick or treat. What was it? Those one people came up and they said, is this the haunted house? And we have this elaborate setup. We have props for my brother's company, Ghost Ride. And we've got fucking smoke machines. We've got audio going on. We've props for my brother's company, Ghost Ride. And we've got fucking smoke machines. We've got audio going on. We've got shit happening.

You can tell. And the kid goes, is this the haunted house? And Tracy, what did you say? Well, it's right here. She pointed out and said, well, this is what it is, kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah. Which is for that kid. That's a very, that's a broad statement. Look at that car you came in. This is what it is, bro. Here it is. And then he turns to the car and says, this ain't the haunted house. It's only trick or treat.

Yeah. Only trick or treat. Oh, yeah. Only trick or treat. Fuck you, motherfucker. I thought you were talking about when you first started to tell that story. I thought you were talking about the ones that just came up and went, candy, candy, candy. Like, I'm hiding around the side of the house and I just hear this little fuck yelling candy like seven times. Because you're on the side of the house.

You're waiting because you're all bloodied up and butchered that you have to hide yourself until. Sometimes you're hiding on the side of the house. Sometimes you're crouched behind a trash can waiting to trip the trigger. I tried to mix it up in case people were telling their friends. It comes from the side of the house. Oh, he got me! Candy.

Candy. What the fuck is that? It was because... See, that's why you need a mic. I don't know. We can share. It was because I was being the silent. I would beckon them in. You would be at the top of the steps.

Waiting. You would expertly wave them in like an apparition. Under eerie lights. Under eerie lights. Exactly. And then when they got up towards the top of the stairs, there wasn't a door for them to knock on. To say trick or treat.

So I would lean over towards them with my hand cupped around my ear like I was going, what do you say? This kid just goes, candy. And so I leaned over a little further and he goes, candy. Like you were deaf. Like I'm deaf as I'm leaning closer and closer. And I'm waiting for the magic words, which are, of course, trick-or-treat. So eventually I said, trick-or-treat. And he goes, oh, trick-or-treat.

Okay, there you go. Get out of here. I wonder how much luck he had screaming candy at every other house that he went. With a porch light out. Candy! He doesn't understand any of the basics of Halloween. If the porch light's out, you don't fucking go to the door, right? We made a few concessions tonight.

There was a group of kids that were in the right target age range, but they weren't wearing costumes. So we let them go ahead and trick or treat. They were the demographic that you really wanted to scare. Yeah. Having just exited the 18 and under, or 17 and under parenthood. You put that ax to good use. What a fun night.

Great night. Thank you, guys. I'm trying to lay to the haunt. We got that. Leaving the kid in the stroller. We almost adopted a kid, all three of us. That wasn't even the first one. Those ones left one.

One of them voluntarily ran into the house and climbed into Tracy's arms. She had to carry the kid out to her parents. She wouldn't go back down the steps. And the parents wouldn't come and get her either. Okay, stop. We're going to stop right now. I'm going to put a mic right here and then you don't have to talk into it because you probably won't

but you keep talking and I want to put a mic in front of you. That's a good plan. Yes. Let's take a break. I need a beer anyway. Let's take a break and get a drink. Yes. Hey, UK merch is on sale. Where? In the UK? No. Just on the website.

Can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the UK. But you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com and posters. We have, oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too? We got posters. We have t-shirts.

We have everything you need to go out in public naked. A poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. And go to DougStanhope.com and look for the merchandise page. My World Tour. Asterisk. Places that speak English that will still book me. Yeah. Hello, this is Chewbacca, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Let's do this. I just ate carrots.

That's a very violent thing to do. Eating carrots? It just felt weird. Because there's twizzlers he's like I get what you're saying everything is really loud and obnoxious

yeah yeah just really obnoxious yeah I was eating almonds the other day and I wasn't even under the influence

of anything to make me feel like that and almonds were like that this is fucking very violent. Is it so loud for everyone else too? Turning the TV up. Oh, Chad, I'm going to think of almonds. I didn't eat candy.

I ate two little three-packs of Whompers during the entire night. I ate two little three-packs of Whompers during the entire night. And I did not have a full-size candy bar, which you did not either. No. Saved them for the – You want half a Twizzler? No, I'm good. Thank you. I'm having Bud Light right now.

This is probably the worst time to eat a Twizzler. Chad, say something. I don't know what to say. What are we talking about? I don't know what any topics are. I pitch it to you because I have Twizzler in my mouth and you go, what are we talking

about? You're asking a question? You're supposed to be the producer. I'm just the fucking guy that shows up. I'm the guy who just makes you show up. Yeah. So one thing I noticed was tonight, Halloween night, early on, we had a large group. It was over 10 people. And they were definitely Hispanic.

And they were definitely Hispanic. And they would not – like after the big reveal of Chad Shank with the ax and the blood and, hey, kids, don't do drugs or whatever the fuck. Right? There were a couple of guys where I'm like, oh, this could be a situation. Like the Mexican guys. Did you feel that? Yeah. See, I never did. Did I feel it?

I never did. I'm usually right on with that, but I was having a good time with this. But I did notice people that would linger long after that. That was awkward. The adults, how long do you need to prolong you milling around with the guy who's supposed to scare everyone because it's a faux – it's not reality. It's a make-believe. And yet you are continuing to like, see how bad I am.

That's how I read it. Maybe that's not how they did it. But I felt like that whole thing i think if i was being me i would have definitely read it the same way but since i wasn't i was just having a fucking fun time and being fucking halloween chad was wearing a mask i love it chad was wearing behind the mask i was dressed as a monster but i really wasn't one but it was like it could have turned into an assault and that's that's my paranoid like like uh you're paranoid thing i'm going with all the assault charges you didn't you didn't pick up on that so i was off because i felt like this group like why

are you why do you keep like the adults were still next to you. The kids were gone. Yeah. And they kept pushing it. And it's like, all right. And I remember there was one gal who could be like, I'm not afraid. She kept hitting you. It's like, wait, that's assault now, what you're doing.

Yeah. Yeah. And that was early on. That was one of the first groups we had. I know exactly the group we're talking about now. And it was, I was still trying to get into what I was doing at that time too, and I think that's what threw me as well. So I didn't have time to really.

But she gave you a soft assault. Yeah. Well, that's my fear of every time I leave the house is I'm going to assault somebody and for no reason. I don going to assault somebody for no reason. I don't have to have a good reason. No, the giant convenience store. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, the Napa Auto Parts. The beef over beef jerky. Yeah. The beef jerky beef. I definitely have a history. The one time I have when I was a kid, this happened when I was probably, I don't know, I was like 16 or 17. I worked at Safeway when I was a kid as like a bag boy.

I was able to restrain myself. You rounded up the carts because you talked about that in the last podcast. It's like that was a gift to be able to go round up the carts. Thank you. That's exactly it. One time I did restrain myself because I was bagging groceries, and it was real busy. And I had to go outside and get a second cart because the order was so big. I had to get a second cart.

Wow. So I'm like, holy shit. So I ran outside. And when I went outside, there was a guy, and I guess now I would describe him as mentally disabled, homeless guy maybe. I didn't know this at the time, but he had bought a plum earlier and put it in a little produce bag. They put it in a little produce bag, and he was outside so i when i went outside to get a cart this guy threw his bag from his plum on the floor and said what are you going to do about it and i was like what the fuck normally i think i would have responded and just fucking been pissed

off but i i was like i don't fucking own safeway don't fucking care. I have to pick it up regardless. I have to pick up all the trash. So he just was trying to provoke somebody to fight him. And it didn't work. I was like, all right, whatever, dude. And then he said, I fucked your mom in the ass. Well, then that provoked me. But now he's directing his anger.

Apparently, he is exactly what he wanted to do. But when I was a kid, that was an easy way to provoke me. Like I said, it doesn't take very much anyway. So that was, I felt like I had to. So this guy said, and I was like, what? And I turned around and he says, I fucked your mom in the ass. And I just punched him. I just laid into him as hard as I could.

And he started to fall backwards. As he was falling backwards, I hear my boss behind me. Chad! Oh, shit. I turned around. No boss. He wasn't there. He just stuck his head out the door and yelled my name because I was taking too long bringing the card in.

So I was like, oh, fuck. I got away. I went inside, finished bagging groceries. I'm helping this man who clearly has a medical situation. This man fell. Oh, no, he can't even see me. Be right there, boss. Fuck this guy.

So I left that guy falling down, and I ran back inside, finished, hurried up, finished bagging groceries, and I ran back outside, and he was already all the way across the parking lot. So I'm running across the parking lot screaming at him, and he keeps repeating the same thing. Fucked your mom in the ass. I fucked your mom in the ass. Just over and over, and I'm screaming at him. There's old people in the Safeway looking at me, and I'm like,

when I catch you, you're going to wish you were never born, motherfucker. Stupid shit. He took off, and I had to go back to work. I didn't want to lose my job, so I went back to work. I went looking for him later on in the afternoon. You cruised around? Yeah, I went to where all the homeless people were. It was fucking bad.

V for Vendetta. Yeah. And I couldn't find him. Of course not. Because you're standing in front of me. You're not in the penitentiary. Well, I did find him eventually. Oh.

Maybe two or three days later, my friend told me, I'm going to go wash my truck. Let's go. You don't want to go with me. So we pulled into the car wash. Or no, we pulled up to Circle K. This is when we were, remember I told me, I'm going to go wash my truck. You don't want to go with me. So we pulled into the car wash. Or no, we pulled up to Circle K. Remember I told you we used to steal beer from the back of Safeway when I worked at Safeway?

You'd throw beer in the dumpster and then pick it up later. So my friend and I had stolen Safeway beer and we wanted to go and drink it. We'd make an excuse to go drink it and car wash was good. We went to the car wash. But we pulled up at the convenience store next to the car wash to get ice first. Ice for your stolen beer.

For our stolen beer. And I told my friend, that's that dude on the payphone right there. Oh, he's out in front. He's on the payphone. Payphone, that means it's a while ago. As I said, I was probably 16, 17 years old. Giving it a back to the future spin to this thing. But it was good because my friend's like, let me go park in the car wash.

Don't do anything until I get out of here. So I get out, and he goes over to the car wash, and I walked around the side, and I just stood there waiting for the guy to get off the pay phone. And he hangs up the phone and turns around and sees me and recognizes me instantly and says, and I was like, hey, how do you remember me? And he drops his head and goes, I got to go inside and get my brother. And this is, I don't know.

Back up. He was like, this is probably, I don't know, the guy was probably in his mid-40s, 50s or so. He was like an older guy. And I said, you go ahead. You get whoever the fuck you want, buddy. But I still stood there blocking him, so he tried to walk past me, and I just kept blocking his fucking way.

And then I just laid into him and punched him. When I punched him, he didn't fight back. He just turned around and put his hands over his head and hit his face against the wall. Like defensively. Yeah, but with the facing away from me. And I didn't know what to do. But I was already all charged up and fucking violent.

I jumped up in the air and kicked him in the back of the head and smashed all of his teeth out on the fucking wall. Chad, do you want to tell the story? So he spins back off of the wall after that, and then I start punching him in the head. And then you kept hitting him? He wasn't on the ground yet. So then, once again, I kind of out of a fog, people, what are you doing? I called the cops.

Somebody told me I already called the cops. So I was just like, oh, fuck. So I hurried up and ran and got in my buddy's truck over, parked in the car wash, and we hauled ass. And I left and went to my other friend's house, and I was up there putting a stereo in his car. I just pretended that we've just been hanging out over there. But this is a town of like 5,000 people.

So somebody had already told the cops who I was. Sure. The cops had already contacted my mom. So my mom pulls up over at my friend's house. And I, you know, what's going on? And I'm like, nothing. We're just putting a radio in Chris's car. Still have not looked that I have blood all over my hands and my

arm. Installing a car radio. I'm not even doing it. I'm standing there watching other people do it. So she said, no, what is going on? She's like, the cops called me. They're looking for you. We have to get down there right now.

I'm like, oh, shit. So I get in the car with my mom and she takes me down to the police station. Hold on, I have to drink beer. My mushrooms are making me hard to talk. I'll take a beer or wine. So I go to the police station and

the guy asked me exactly what happened. I told him the whole story. The cop. Yes. You're being interviewed. The chief of police. Hold on a second. You walked in to the police station and said what?

My mom took me in because they had already called her, and basically she said, here he is, because they already knew they were looking for me. And so the chief of police sat me down. So, young man, you're turning yourself in for what? He just said, tell me what happened. And I told him the story exactly like I told you guys from the very beginning, what this guy said.

And that was when he started to tell me. He says, Chad, do you realize the damage that you inflicted on this man? And I was like, no, I just fought him. And then I left. And he's like, well, he doesn't have any teeth. And he says, his face looks like hamburger. And I remember wanting to fucking laugh my ass off because the chief of police just told me that the guy's face looked like hamburger. But I said, I don't, you know.

I stood my ground. I told him that I wouldn't do anything different. You know, the guy fucking insulted me and wanted to keep provoking me. And he got what, as far as I was concerned, he got what he was asking for, you know, what he wanted. And that's when, instead of arresting me, the chief of police told me that when they got there, the guy just wanted to get on a Greyhound bus and leave. He didn't want to talk to any cops. What had happened is over those few days,

since it first happened, when I first ran into this guy, he had been on pay phones all over town calling businesses, saying pretty much the same thing he had said to me. So the police were already looking for this guy for prank calling with obscene phone calls all over town. You're like the Dark Knight. Yeah, I ran this toothless hamburger face fucker out of town on a greyhound.

This is a feel-good story. Halfway through through I'm like I'm hating myself for letting you continue and then it turns out yeah you did a good thing I was the hero

in that case I'm pretty fucked up right now yeah I think I am too that was that story I don't know if it was that good

or not but as you're as you're telling the story I'm assessing how fucked up I am and then seeing the smoke. Just because I see it doesn't mean it's

for everyone. Yeah. Weird thing. Do you want to talk about the purse snatcher? The purse snatcher story would redeem me a little bit because I was not as violent when that happened. Wait, hold on a second.

You redeemed yourself. That guy was a shit bag. I didn't know that at the time, though. You didn't know it, but being the Dark Knight. I knew that I was right. You had an impulse that turned out being right for the viewers at home. Listen, if you're going to be going to towns making obscene phone calls, you might get your teeth kicked out by a guy.

What kind of job? He's panhandling and spending that money. Exactly. What's 25 cents a call? What the fuck is that? It wasn't even a dime. No, it was 25 cents a call what the fuck is that yeah it wasn't even a dime no it was 25 you're cleaning the streets well uh this was during a time that i was trying to be peaceful i was trying to get i tried to buddhist is this your blue period yeah i went through i was studying some buddhism and uh i, and I wanted to see things different.

I had a lot of road rage. And so one of the things I did, instead of having road rage, I was like, that motherfucker's a moron. He did this. I was like, well, you're just making up that story that he's a moron. You don't really know for sure that he's a moron. You're just assuming. You're jumping to conclusions.

So just make up a different story. This was part of my Buddhist teachings. So then if I could practice compassion, if somebody cut me off or acted like an asshole, I could say like, that guy's mother is in the hospital and he's not paying attention to the way he drives and I hope that his mother

is okay. And I tried to do that for a little while, but you can't change your fucking spots. I just am what I am. I just stay home. I don't hurt nobody, but I'm fucking evil. But while I was trying to be peaceful, I was going to Walmart, and a lady was walking around the side. I was parked on the side of Walmart, and a lady walked around the side of Walmart, and this guy came right around behind her and snatched her purse off her shoulder and drug it down.

In Walmart? Or outside, around the side of Walmart. Yeah, parked right around the side. And one of the funny things is she had a giant, like, 32-ounce soda or bigger, and I guess it was the only thing she could think to do, but she fucking blasted him right in the back of the head with it after he stole her purse. Yeah, she fucking blasted him right in the back of the head with it as he, after she after he stole her purse. Great ideas.

Yeah, she fucking nailed him with the sword. So I'm laughing at that point. But he ran right past me. So I'm like, well, fuck it. I gotta chase this guy. I chased after him. The Dark Knight. I yelled. I yelled at him. Stop, motherfucker! I'll shoot you!

But I didn't have a gun yeah he's running away he's drenched in diet coke he has no idea he said no i don't have a gun he called my bluff that motherfucker okay i was in a little better shape than i am now too so i could run a little bit almost caught up with him but it was in my hometown and i knew that where they built the walmart you knew the edge there used to be we were almost at the edge of town no there used to be a mobile home park there yeah trailer park and it was called patio park and it was called that because every mobile home had its own concrete slab patio. That's a selling point. So, hey, that's a fucking high-end trailer park right there.

So. This is not funny to anybody but us. Super funny to us right now. You're almost there. So the guy's running and I'm chasing him, and I knew that eventually he was about to encounter these patios in the middle of this desert. Sure. So I circumvented that, ran around.

Okay. And then I heard when I knew exactly what it was. He tripped and slid across a fucking concrete patio. Like ran that way. Like ice, like hitting ice, right? That's unmistakable. You know that sound. And I caught up with him just as he hit like an eight-foot,

I almost say barbed wire, but that's because I'm fucked up. What's the other word? Chain link. Chain link fence. Chain link fence. It's like eight feet tall. It's around a radio station. He goes up over this chain link fence

and I go up right behind him over the chain link fence. Punctured my hand on the top. I had to go get a fucking tetanus shot. As I hit the ground in a crouch on the other side of the fence, I look up. This is just how I see it in my head. I hit the ground in a crouch on the other side of the fence. Like the Dark Knight. And this is just how I see it in my head.

I'm sure it was a lot more awkward. Oh, it's exactly how I'm seeing it. But as I look up, he has a knife in his hand. And he's going, fuck you. Leave me alone. In a balloon bubble. And it's a little tiny knife. He'd have to stab me with it a lot to do damage. Like you'd scrape your cuticle back.

Yeah, it might have been toenail clippers. I'm not even sure it was dark. But I was still crouched down because I jumped off this fence. So as I looked up and saw him, and he's yelling at me, and he has this little knife out, I looked down, and there's a big, giant rock right there. So I just picked up a big rock and then stepped to where there's no way he can stab me, but there's no way I can miss his face. And I just yelled at him, and I remember i remember he yelled he says fucking leave me alone

i need it and i told him you don't need it more than the motherfucker that earned it you mother leave you know give it back and uh and and then i think i even yelled at him that there was people who would help him if he needed help or some fucking dumb once again yeah i was once again the dark night i was trying my best. Once again, the dark knight. I was trying my best to be a good person. Public servant. Oh, I fucking wish I would have hit that guy with a fucking rock. If I would have known that less than a year later I would have been in all those peaceful

beliefs and I could have justifiably fucking hit that guy with a three-pound rock in the face, I would have done it different. But he didn't have the telltale silver paint. It was not high as far as I could tell, but he did throw me the purse immediately and then just ran away. And you returned it.

And I returned it. That's the end of that fucking story. My stories always just peter out. I don't know how to end them. Like a superhero. Are you kidding? No! I went back to the phone booth and I put on my regular street clothes. And walked out of a phone booth with a purse. I don't even think she had any money in it.

Fucking asshole. Cat food. I put a microphone and then you still... Oh, actually, it's not even on. I turned it off. All right. Well, I have one story from a haunted house. My brother and I had a haunted house a couple years ago in Seattle.

This being Halloween. You have 20 seconds to tater tots. I got to go. Okay. That's why I took the time to put a microphone in front of you and to turn it off. That's why you turned it off. The first Dark Knight, I think we need kind of a moniker for you now. I just picked Dark Knight because it seems like a vigilante type of.

I'm running out of stories now. Well, we'll see. We'll see. There's plenty of convenience stores between here and where you live. That's true. So, yeah, this is the only time I can actually tell this. We had a haunted house a couple years ago in Seattle. And I remember just – we ran it for two years.

It was like this whole – like tonight, like the lady leaving the kid at the steps and people being scared. That's what gets you going, right? Definitely. But I had an earpiece. My brother and I were always in constant contact with what was happening. We had a full system set up. And I was doing audio. And I remember these guys

they went through and they were assaulting people. Like the workers? Yeah. They were throwing punches. It's a common thing for me to follow them from that point on.

We get a little pathways. We can get through it. At one point i remember because i could hear them as they're now going through the rest of the haunt they don't know i'm behind them yeah and the guy's like i don't know where the coke is and and and i can see him like like fuck. The other guy getting pissed. The other guy's like, what the fuck, dude? I should have never given it to you.

That was the whole thing. And I'm like, oh. I know you're that true. So now you have got to leave. You're trespassed. You can't come back on the property. And I fucking, I got my headlamp on. From where they said that

to the, and I fucking found this fucking huge bindle of coke that I did for the rest of the fucking, and I'm like Thomas Dolby in the back with my audio. I've got this whole audio thing. I'm like doing little sniffers

and I'm like fucking, and I'm just getting through the Halloween season. Because this one jackass put it in the wrong pocket. They gave the coat to the wrong guy to hold. And he's still that guy. Like, tomorrow is football for us, right? That guy will be the guy who lost the Coke in the haunted house. Every fucking occasion, his friends get together. And it was one of my highlights.

That's great. One of my highlights of having free drugs in any story is great as far as I'm concerned. If you can get it from a douche bag in a haunted house, that's better. You know what? The lovely Tracy's here. The tater tots are done.

And I'm peaking. Let's get the fuck out of here let's wrap it up Doug Stano arrives tomorrow you did a great job thank you and there's no way that you would ever

think that you could do something to where someone says you did a great job I know I know the way your head works. But fantastic. I appreciate it. I appreciate all you guys.

Let me turn your mic on. Anyway. Wrap it up. Close it. Let's get the fuck out of here. Good fun. Keep dripping and eat some. That's a mountain of tater tots. That's a lot of tater tots.

And I still have my Twizzler. Because that's polite. Cheers. Cheers, brother. I love you, man. I love you guys. Great time tonight. Great time.

Tracy. We don't cheers in an empty glass. All right. Thanks for listening Oh shit Oh who are we going out with Fuck Song list

No Neither of you do I was looking for something else I was fucking trying to kill time while you did that I was checking Twitter Please eat tater tots Now How delicious are tater tots now.

How delicious are tater tots? Send. All right, go right here. Fuck you guys. She's going to eat them. Yeah, they're delicious. Do this. Let's do Ohio. Okay.

Right after you do this, we're diving into that fucking tower. Now you're putting a lot of pressure on me. And we'll close with Mishka Shubali's Ohio from his new album, Coward's Path, available at DougStanford.com. That's the best you're going to fucking get out of me right now. Well, That's the best you're going to fucking get out of me right now.

Well, she burst into flames around the junior high family dinner table. But she found a safe place in pink hair, combat boots, and black metal A teenage witch Yes, she's a high school high priestess Failing English But man, can she spell Ohio You feel like you're

getting sicker But you're just starting to get well So she cut glass And smoked grass And fell in love with The Nelsonville jail Got her kicks on Getting sick on

Brown liquor White pills and black despair. The cancer rate's rising, so let's do some drunk driving. We'll black out at every red light in town. Every red light in town. Ohio, if your head is spinning, it's cause your love's turning round. Thank you. guitar solo My baby, my darling, come closer, there's nothing to fear I know the terror, the pain, the blood, the hateful tears Baby's sleeping in laundry baskets Kittens in your panty drawer Oh, how low you may feel like you're dying

But you are being reborn Ohio, you may feel like you're dying But you are being reborn Ohio, you may feel like you're dying But you have been reborn That was pretty good. Cheers. That's it.

Oh my God, Tracy. I didn't get one. This is so crispy. So great. I didn't get one it was so crispy so great not like a violent carrot