The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #108: Back in the USA with UK Tour Highlights pt. 1

Episode Date: November 6, 2015

Doug and Bingo are back from tour  with UK Highlights - Part 1.Recorded Nov. 4, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@Bingobingaman), and Ggreg Chaille ( @gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Donate to Chaille here. I appreciate it and anything helps stock the liquor shelf while Doug is away.LINKS -Closing Song, "I Can't Remember When You Were Mine" from Mishka Shubaly's new cd COWARD'S PATH. Available now at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All I brought on the tour, I brought two suits and one pair of pajamas for the entire tour. So I wore those pajamas every day for five weeks, including the long underwear that I'm still wearing. But the rest of the pajamas, I just laid out like a disembodied person on the last hotel floor. Wasn't the last hotel floor, turns out. No. It was, yeah, because we got waylaid on the way home but uh are we recording i said i tweeted the maid can ebay this i didn't have enough characters to go i should have left a note on the pajamas like if you put this on ebay because i don't tip

maids i don't know what your policy is on that but for some reason i over tip all the time but maids i just don't because i never let them in my room right because i don't know what your policy is on that, but for some reason, I over tip all the time, but maids, I just don't because I never let them in my room because I don't want them fucking with my shit. They're not doing anything. If we're there for five days, that maid has five days off from our room and that's a tip. We live like fucking pigs. Even if we're there for a couple hours, Chaley knows within two hours, within 30 minutes of us checking into a hotel, it's already too filthy to let a maid in. So it's like –

Bingo's naked and everything is spread out and we're still unloading our stuff. Exactly. The fucking nest has been built. So like a housekeeper, the reason we don't have housekeepers, we have Derek. Oh, Derek, you both have new nicknames, titles. We came up with Chaley is our life Sherpa. And you are our dumb waiter. I couldn't wait to get back to the podcast

to say these things that's not even in my fucking notes we have five weeks of notes that we're not going to get through and we have a bunch of people here because we're having a welcome home party for ourselves so give us a god damn round of applause

because we wanted Give us a goddamn round of applause. We wanted to wait for Chad Shank to talk about a lot of this shit, but we get enough. He's got to do some shit, and we're right at that perfect level. We don't want to tell all these stories and then have to go onto a podcast and retell them with the same people that just heard the fucking stories here. So we figured we'd do a live event. I got 17 things to start with.

But one of them, speaking of live events, at some point, this material has gone to every English-speaking or sort of English-speaking country I can play this in. So I have to put it on a special and start from scratch. And I wanted to do Minneapolis because it's the only major market we had, but we couldn't find a venue that we could agree on or that was working with us. That's the one market that you hadn't gone to because of a scheduling thing where this material would have been able to play fresh. Where no one's heard it. Yeah.

And so one drunk night a few nights ago, I think in Iceland, on the last, I said, fuck it, let's just do it in Bisbee. So in two and a half weeks, mark your calendars. We haven't settled. I think it's going to be the 21st. It might be the 20th. But by the time that you hear this podcast, it should be on the website through brown paper tickets. If you're coming from out of town and road tripping, it's going to be a certain amount of dollars,

and it's going to be way less for locals because they don't pay for shit here. And I hosted that show for J.T. Habersat like a month, six weeks ago. So they've already heard like 15, 20 minutes of this shit. They're going to have to... So yeah, mark your calendars. Come from out of town. So I don't have the same fucking people I know

that just heard this shit, and I know them. Filming is always... Anyway, November 21st 2015 at the Bisbee Royale. It'll be on my website or check my Twitter feed and my Facebook feed. We'll be pumping the

shit out of it. So yeah, that's going to be the new special so I can never have to say this stuff again. And we also have the bonus of filming B-roll around town where you go, when I say I'm not embellishing this, I can show you. B-roll is just stuff that's going to run somewhere in the special, but around town.

Yeah, just film around town. Burger King, I can show you the Burger King in town. Broke me. Burger King has brought me to a level of I thought, maybe if I just devoted my life to putting the local Burger King out of business. Because it's

the only corporate shit we have. Safeway. But you need to, you want a grocery store that's corporate. I do. Well, there's only three grocery companies. Otherwise you get the fucking co-op. I grew this kale in my toilet accidentally.

I don't want that. You can't even assemble a sandwich at the co-op. Yeah. But yeah, Burger King only exists and I know I pounded this fact into your heads. They only exist where there's no competition. If there's nothing, there's a Burger King.

And in the UK, it was just as bad or worse. They still have travel stops on the highway. Oh, yeah, just Burger King because they contract airports where the only fast food is Burger King. Because if they had anything else no one would go to fucking burger king yeah so you get where you're trapped and you have to eat that shit and subway is the biggest you know fast foodie kind of place and we don't even have a subway i want to like i want to quit comedy and open a subway in the same parking lot as burger king to try to put at least one Burger King out of business. I know I'll never have the power.

Burger King is in so many remote places that I'm surprised I have not seen it on an episode of Naked and Afraid. And they still choose to eat bugs. Thank you. I tried that joke one time in the UK and no one knew Naked and Afraid. So I figured, fuck it, I'll burn it on a podcast. Alright. The podcast, the Shot Clog

podcast, when I left here, because we had that, we did that podcast and put it in the tank for a reason. The reason we couldn't air that 100th podcast is we had done a couple of fake interviews for the UK press. One where there was a – we discussed this.

It was basically fill out this form. It was a comedy website. I don't even remember the name. It's not Chortle. It's another comedy website where they just hand out, here's 13 questions that we give every single comic.

Every week we have a different comic answering the same questions. This is not a fucking interview. This is a form I have to fill out. So I just stole other real answers to real interview questions i found online i just dug stanhope interviews so from any real interview and i put them into their questions i put answers to other people's questions that almost made sense but not really at all so it sounded

like i was just tripping my balls off then we get a second one for the manchester evening news where hennigan went and searched it was just three questions uh what do you like about manchester what are you going to get up to while you're in Manchester? And what can we expect from you in Manchester? And it's the same thing. They ask someone every week the same three fucking questions. So we stole other people's answers who had done that interview, and it hadn't been put out yet. So Brian Hennigan is like, don't put out that podcast until they actually print this.

And so I had one answer from Tom Green. And the other two were from some DJ where I'm going, oh, my favorite place to go is the soup kitchen because they have great vegan options and all the other DJs love this place. It's just like completely not me. And they did no due diligence. And so when after that's why that podcast, the 100th podcast where we decide on the new name. Where you christened the new name. to any Doug Stanhope podcast that is not guest hosted by Chad Shank and has no me.

I thought we left it up to people to vote. I'm 99% sure. A lot of people think keep Doug Stanhope podcast because it's simple. I love Shot Clock podcast.

Maybe I got drunk by the end and went, fuck it, it's Shot Clock. Right here, I'm going to insert where at the end of that podcast, you say, thanks for listening to the Shot Clog podcast. All right. It'll be right here. Thanks for listening to the 100th podcast of the Doug Stano podcast and the first podcast of the Shot Clock podcast. Well, I... According to viewer mail, they were voting.

You did ask for a vote, but at the end, you were very... You liked it, and we all liked it, and you said it was going to stick for a while. Yeah, it went kind of 60-40 against Shot Clock. Well, some people people i don't know if i'm

not enunciating is it shot clawed no clog like a clogged drain yeah it's a fucking great word i'm just yeah we're sticking with it yeah so we just got back from uh that uh fiveweek tour. Bingo Bingaman is on the podcast. Hello. We were trying to wait for Chad Shank, but he'll be on the next one in three hours. We just took, our last gig was in Iceland, and it took us, Arizona time, we were picked up 3.30 in the morning Iceland time. But right now it's Wednesday morning.

We got home at 8 a.m. and we left for the airport Sunday at 8 p.m. I don't want to say fucked over. There was fog. It got delayed. We missed a connection. Tucson is not an easy place to get to. There's not like, oh, yeah, we get 15 non-stops a day. So we had to get stuck at Schiphol Amsterdam Airport, which is a great airport.

It's the best airport I've ever spent time in. Why? It fucking has everything. It has a Burger King. It has two hotels. It does have a Burger King open 24 hours when nothing else is. You motherfuckers.

They see when everyone else is closed and that's when they open? Yeah. You have other options, but not fast food where they have skink and dead fish and shit that they eat over there. It's just

nothing. That's why you gain weight over there, because you end up eating fucking Burger King, because everything else doesn't make sense. It's dead fish and stuff. Not like sushi, either. It's sounding like Burger King has a really good business model.

Yeah. I mean, what you are complaining about is what they've decided works. It's like our shit town comedy tour. Remember when we played places no other comedian would play just for fun? That worked. No one's going to fucking Youngstown, Ohio. Sure, we didn't break the bank, but we stayed alive. And neither are you again.

Oh, don't you say that. There's a new shit town tour in the making oh right on at least mentally because i gotta get a new hour once i put this special out i can't go to minneapolis and fucking riff and we already burned canada once doing that fool me once yeah so we're gonna do shit town two we'll come up with a better name. But places we've never played. If I have never played there, like Dauphin, Alabama, that's not even the right name. Hastings, Nebraska. Hastings, Nebraska, says Kenny.

I like your – yes. Wichita, I've played there, but not for 20 years. Maybe we can route in where Joby is now. Topeka? Well, that's OKC. He's OKC adjacent, but we could do Altus, Oklahoma. See? Played there when I had a

mullet, but it's not a cash cow. Is someone writing this down? No, I get a map. Don't worry. I got a giant map, and we're going to go through it and figure out, and I'll just be hosting it, and we'll be able to bring, hopefully, Jeff Tateate we have a yeah there's a we have a list of options and bring two or three guys we know and i'll just host and

that way i can develop material in places i'll never go back to moose pass alaska is not really because we're going to try to do this in a van there's a problem with that yeah the alaska part yeah yeah we could do all alaska just like do the jackie trinka tour that's what i wanted get my keyboards that's what i was trying to do is get a close on lady in red that's funny to three people here and jackie trinka should she hear it i wanted to actually get a comic to come up early and then for a week he could do one-nighters like travel up and then back

because you've got a good five or six days before you actually have to be back to Anchorage. Because you can stay for free at Coots. No one wanted to do that. Not one person said, I like it so much I want to stay an extra six days. If we route it, I don't know.

Again, this is all completely nebulous, but we could do it by regions where we could get Andriston, Levine, and do the Northwest. Oh, yeah. Bend, Oregon. I really would love to play that coffee shop where the kid stabbed himself to death at an open mic. Oh, wow. Wow. What's your angle on that? Well, I actually dedicated, I think, one of my last specials on the insert,

if you have the hard copy, was to that kid, because he evidently went up and sang a song, an original song called sorry about the mess and then stabbed himself to death but everybody thought it was performing in the body now in the chest repeatedly and everyone clapped like it was performance art and you go that's strong well how strong closer how is it not performance art that was the ultimate one show only

that was his greatest performance yeah so yeah we could do it regionally and see where friends are at the time and yeah there's too many comic friends I would want to bring out on this and everyone I don't bring is going to think I'm a fucking asshole.

Andy Andrist. Specifically. Well, I mean, you definitely could work it out that way to where you spent one week in a region and then bounce to another one and then pick someone else up. Well, it depends on the region. Midwest, once you start in Indianapolis, well, that's a three-weeker because there's so many places within two or three-hour drives.

But you know what I'm saying. I'm off topic. I don't have a topic. I have a fucking sheet of notes. It starts with Delta Pin, which is not even where to start. What are those cigarettes? They're in a black pack. Yeah, they're duty-free Marlboro Lights from London.

They have a Marlboro Light with a brown filter is always a bad thing. Something different about them. That writer that came over here before the tour brought me a carton. Sam Wolston? Wolston. Wolston. Yeah, that was the only major loss. I lost one more American Express card, which brings it up to about seven for the year.

If you're going to chat, there's a mic. You can be on this podcast. Bingo is not chiming in much, but I haven't got to that. Her part's coming up i've just it's hit me uh yeah my vintage fucking delta tie clip i lost that in amsterdam like i really i know i called the hotel in tears i wasn't in tears that time there was a lot of times there was a lot of snapping on this tour. And mostly good shows. There was no like,

oh my god, I'm embarrassed. There were shows that were not as good. Edinburgh was the first show. Secret show, meaning, alright, it's a 50 seater where I can remember how to talk on stage again. Was that the first one? Yeah, that was the first one that we announced

days before. I can sell out 50 seats. So yeah, that one sucked. Cut to Hannigan pulling his tie. I really wish we had a little more advanced warning on this one. That was the suicide thing. I should have brought that stupid article out, but. It's around here somewhere.

The headline. Yeah. Yeah. It was international news, wasn't it? Because of Hannigan. Yeah. Hannigan didn't even try to stop the guy from committing suicide. He ran back.

For a camera. No, this is good. This is good. He ran back to get his camera. I'm just shit-faced. It's after the show. The show's stunk, so I'm reviewing all the problems in my head, because the next night is Glasgow, and that's a big theater.

It's in fucking Cash Cow. And I'm smoking outside in front of the hotel, and there's a bridge across the street, and this drunk girl is chasing Angus was his name. Angus, sit down! Angus! And the guy's obviously infuriated and beyond drunk, stumbling, Scooby-Doo style. It was Shaggy. He kind of had that gait of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo,

like leaning hunched forward, like emaciated. Like kind of had that gait of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, like leaning hunched forward, like an emaciated Bigfoot. Like kind of lurching. Like Bigfoot if he had an eating disorder. And she keeps yelling at him to sit down, even though there's no place to sit down. You're on a sidewalk. But they're both drunk, and then they stop on the bridge. And I think it was Nick.

He was – was it Nick or – no, no. It was the was Nick that was, he was was it Nick or no, no, it was the other Brian that was filming us. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Gail and Brian. One of the two is next to me. We're smoking cigarettes out front of the hotel bar and

I saw the guy trying to belly flop over this giant bridge rail. The rail itself, it's cement. It's fucking the UK. So it's probably four feet wide and high. It's not easy to fall off this bridge. You have to work at it.

Yeah, it's a giant monolith. That's not the right word. Not at all. Not at all. Bobo. Bobo. Bobo. Good call. He's catching some shrapnel.

Anyway, these are Howard Stern callbacks. And he's trying to jump, and he keeps failing because he's so drunk. And I said, is that guy trying to jump off the bridge? And whichever friend was standing next to me goes, oh, yeah, this bridge is famous for suicides. And I'm like, and he's just standing there smoking. I'm like, well, I'm going to watch. So I crossed the street after looking both ways 11 times because you're drunk and you always forget which way traffic is coming. It's also where people get hit a lot. Yeah, and die.

Going to watch the suicide. greatest death i'm trying to rubberneck a suicide and i get crushed by a bus that would be great i love that the local goes gives you the the the the lore on the bridge but does it at all try to stop it what are you gonna do yeah no it wasn't yeah was i don't think he was even looking it was which became a thing he's rolling a cigarette looking down going that's the suicide bridge so by the time i get over there there's this little guy with a backpack on hold there's two guys one's grabbing him from behind and the other guy's trying to talk sense and i got in front of him and i just i just started talking nonsense to him because he was obviously so drunk that at one point I was telling Kenny I was holding both of his wrists, and I'm between him and the bridge,

and I'm holding his wrists while the other guy's got him around the waist from behind, and the other guy's grabbing him somewhere, and he says, get your fucking hands off me because i'm the one making the one closest to the the spit hole yes get your fucking hands off me and i went i'm not touching you man and he believed me like i'm obviously holding your hands in front of you so he was that drunk and i don't even he wasn't suicidal i think he wanted just to prove a point to his girlfriend by jumping off a fucking bridge and i think we've all been there i will jump off this fucking bridge but it wasn't like he wasn't

fighting he would have jumped if he could have. He was that drunk and stupid. But as his girlfriend's going, what should I do? I'm like, probably call the police. I'm sure you've done enough, sweetheart. You're not talking them out of this. So you just call the police. So then when the police showed up, then they took over. But by then, Brian had run over with his camera took two pictures called our pr girl and then the next morning i was just a little less shit face than that dude yeah

you were next on the bridge well you guys know me here when alex is about to drive and he can't figure out his keys from his gloves i'm just as drunk but a little bit less and i go just lay down for a while and that's what i did with that guy before you commit suicide just hang on a second because i'm a little less drunk and i think it's a bad idea that's what i said it was the equivalent of of, because Brian, the next morning, comes into my room, and I'm hungover and sweating oils. And he says, we sold it. And I go, what? I didn't even remember it until, I mean, when he brought it up, I go, oh, fuck, yeah, the suicide guy.

He's like, no, you have an interview in 10 minutes. And I'm like, ah, no, I don't want to. Like, there was nothing. It was the equivalent of stopping a toddler from going the wrong way down or up an escalator. And you go, no, no, little guy. No, no, no. And you just hold him back until the cops come.

I love that Hennigan looks at this guy's story, his life story or maybe death story, as like day trading. We sold it! Sell, sell, sell! That's completely Hennigan. That's completely me to go, he's just a drunk dude. So I get on the phone and the lady says, well, let's start by talking about your heroism. And I said, listen, hero is a really strong word. So lead with that in the story.

And they did. And they did. I'm getting that framed. Do you want me to get the paper? No, no, no. It'll be on the podcast. But no, I just completely sarcastically did the story. It was nothing. And she's laughing with me but wrote it up still heroic and it even made an op-ed piece

the suicides no laughing matter we should really respect they use that angle the comedy angle some guy that was trying to fucking win an argument with a chick what are these american comics coming over here and stopping our our boys from jumping off bridges fuck america but it was it was great and that was the first night after i'm just like trying to remember material from canada two months ago which i've only done i had only done 10 shows in a year going into that. So that next night, okay, now I have something to open with. Suicide, dude. Because it was all over there.

And it segued into a nice piece as well. Yeah, and the next night in Glasgow, I want to say record setting, but we don't keep statistics. As we should now. Five separate brawls, nine ejections in one show. I only saw one in the first ten minutes. There were the second row, because that's all I can see is the first few rows, and second row asked the third row politely if they could quiet down their chatter.

Did you do that, Jaylee? That's not me. Is that you, Trace? Wow. Yeah, this is a problem we've had lately. Oh, yeah. Well, if this was Glasgow, it would be a fight. Because they politely asked him to quiet down.

Even if it wasn't polite, they turned around and said, hey, guys, pipe down. Ten minutes into my show, I had to find this. You know what? I have the fucking email. I shouldn't have even been telling this story because I have the email from the guy who got poked in the eye for asking them to quiet down do you want to get it you know what please hold we'll be back after this break where i can get that fucking email hey if you're coming to bisbee and a lot of people tweet me that they are if you're not a comic i don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here, the rule still stands.

If you're coming to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell if it's available. And I will step away from my book and come have a beer with you. Even Ichabod says, yay on the Shady Dell. TheShadyDell.com. TheShadyDell.com. It's a vintage trailer park. Trailer's done to the nines just like it's 1958.

You're going to love it. I will come down. I'll have cocktails with you. Maybe we burn a steak. I don't know. But stay there. If you're in town and I'm in town, I will see you there.

And now back to the podcast already in drudgery. And now back to the podcast already in drudgery. Hey, here's something that was mailed to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. That was waiting for me amongst a bunch of other gifts. But since we're going to break, this guy, I'll probably never read it. Brian M. Clark. It's just a plain white cover book that he wrote and it's called

Fuck All You Motherfuckers, Period. Perfect. And it's just every day, it's just like basically a tweet. I still can't believe they let women be doctors nowadays. There is no way I'm letting some fucking woman touch my junk.

Tuesday, January 15th. So apparently he's gay. It's just him bitching the tweet version every day. And I like the idea. It's kind of like the daily negations that Russ Dunn we used to have him read. Which we do have, and I want Chad to start doing those, but we'll get back into that now that we're home.

U.S. Tuesday, April 9th, 2013, 2.10 p.m. U.S. military suicides are at an all-time high, so aren't we a bunch of sentimental saps if we don't implement some kind of kamikaze program all right i didn't i i just i would pick those at random i didn't like cherry pick those but yes fuck all by the book fuck all you motherfuckers by brian m clark thank

you for sending that because even just the title made me laugh, but I'm an easy laugh right now. And now, back to this Glasgow email. Fucking Greg Chaley has a stupid fucking password because his computer is so goddamn important that it shuts down for fucking... He spent 30 seconds. Bingo, my

fucking computer is going to shut off. Can you grab the cord out of that same... Oh my god. It's the best podcast in the world is what to shut off. Can you grab the cord out of that same... Oh my god. It's the best podcast in the world, is what I'm saying. I'm saying we're all fucked up. Dysfunctional. We just spent 60 hours

from the time we got picked up at our hotel to go home in Iceland till the time we actually walked through the door and almost cried. Bingo probably cried. I didn't. Until I looked for trousers and went, ah, fuck.

Trousers is all dead and shit. So, all right, here's the Glasgow. I saw the fight. The fight breaks out within the first ten minutes of my show. I haven't even got to my first bit i'm just riffing about the guy's suicide and uh all of a sudden i just see five people like real brawl like hair pulling smashing faces people trying to break it up and then hitting people that hit the people trying to break it up and then hitting them back. And I stepped back and I just leaned against the table that they had on stage

and went, all right, what would Joe Rogan do right now? Would he continue doing his show or would he go into UFC commentary? So I'm just riffing through the fight because, again, everyone would rather see a fight. If a fight broke out in a titty bar if a fight broke out in uh the ass to ass scene of requiem for a dream chicks working a double donger people are watching the fight yeah so as a comic yeah something you know front row center basically yeah, you just wait it out.

How big was the venue? It was a thousand seat or at least. Yeah, so even something that's happening that close, it's in the midst of this huge event that's happening. The weird thing is everyone sitting around them was literally placidly staring at the stage politely waiting for the show to go on like they're not even phased frankie boyle who is uh i'd say my counterpart over there but he's way more famous we're we're kindred spirits he gets in all sorts of shit i've i've written like uh you know op-ed pieces defending him getting into shit for an op-ed piece he wrote. And I'd never met him, but I've seen his face, and he has a very distinct – he's a beardy guy.

And as I'm watching, to my right of where this is happening in the second or third row is a dude that looks just like Frankie Boyle. And I kept wanting to make some kind of... You look like Frankie Boyle. I never thought it was Frankie Boyle. But after the fight that I saw, I'm not going into the crowd. Just plow through your material and get the fuck out. Don't show off. Yeah.

It was Frankie Boyle the whole time. Oh, really? He tweeted. He didn't even mention the fight. First, let me read the email. It's a total non-event over there. This is from John Byrne with a Y-R-N-E. John Byrne.

Fight at O2 in Glasgow. Doug, I've been a disciple of yours. Let me move the mic. For about six years I preach your gospel. I was in the third row when you came out on stage, and yeah, you looked like shit. So far so good. Then some spanners behind

us. It's fucking, they get crazy talk over there. Spanner. It's probably like a schemie or a ned. Local term. Or tweaker. Who knows? A schemie and a ned is kind of like that. They live in...

Fuck it. Why am I trying to explain? Sorry. Some spanners behind us are being overkeen with their enjoyment of your show. I can't make you out for the hyenas behind me. Sorry, it's Glasgow speak. I merely asked them nicely, guys, we're all here to have a good time,

but any chance of just lowering it a little, please? To which I was told to fuck off. Who did I think I was? And then Jesus looking fuck behind me. This is weird because when the fight broke out, I just assumed the long hairs were the nice guys, but it turns out the Jesus looking fuck was the Jesus looking fuck stuck his finger in my chest while spouting movie line about having,

having the minerals to back up my request. Cue Rocky music. He writes. Wow. It's a chest. I thought he poked you in the eye. And I told this story throughout the whole fucking tour that it was your eye. Charlatan. It's kind of funnier that it was in your eye, but he poked you in the chest.

I missed a good 20 minutes of your show, and had it been a normal night, I would have worked my way backstage to say hello. But unfortunately, being six foot one and looking like david banner after being the hulk no fucker was giving me access i get it now uh it goes on it's but anyway so that that was the cool thing is security when they finally broke it up they let the guy that got poked in the eye let's just say it was the eye i like the eye but they just moved him up to another place so he could watch that him and his friends they got fucked with and threw the poker he also has shredded clothes that's the david banner reference that i didn't get the first time i read that okay oh yeah all right i didn't get that either i was trying to read i'm not good at at that. But what we didn't know is after that, four more individual fights,

including someone almost being thrown off the balcony that I couldn't see, so I never addressed. I just kept talking and not asking that guy why he looked like Frankie Boyle. And security came back after the show and brought us a bottle of champagne because it was their record for nine ejections, five separate fights, someone fucking hanging someone off the balcony like he owed Suge Knight money. Ice, ice, baby. And that was one of the best shows.

No hecklers. They just beat the shit out of each other no well the hecklers got beat up not necessarily i don't know what the other four fights were about the point is that was the second night first night is the suicide guy the second night is ultimate fighting and you go go, all right, this is only going to go downhill from here, yeah, yeah, take that computer out of here, because I'm going to spill my drink all over it, London, we did two nights in London, in the meantime, I'm not even going to name drop drop here because i had to look it up anyway but i knew the name and i'm like why is that oh he's a uh an uh oscar winning film director you know what it's you know how he emailed me is his son books one of the venues we used to play in Louisiana.

So we'll just leave. Yeah. As his dad. So, so he emailed me going, Hey, I'm doing a movie about a comedian, fucking Robert De Niro.

And he's this type of comedian. And, and, uh, I just don't think the material is up to snuff. He's like, Oh, Don, I was wondering if you'd help

punch this up I'm like what the fuck alright so now I get that it's just everyday just some little non-event story that just brightened up my day and I read the script and I'm going oh you need way more help than i can

even if i wasn't on tour if this was a full-time job you'd have to rewrite the entire script and if i could screen write i'd be doing it for myself um but it's just a little like every day there was something for the first couple weeks, there was just suicide. Like, it was nah. And fights. Well, yeah, the guys still get to watch a show. They just move them. But it was like some bullet point.

You realize, like, we're going to Africa in a few weeks for vacation. Oh, yeah. And I realize, like, I just want things to tell other people. I want shit to say on the podcast that I'm not really interested in. I just want to be able to say I went to Africa.

Do a show in Africa. All this shit, I'm like, I have great stuff to talk about on the podcast, even though they're really non-events. I've finally emailed... Those are events. You might not think they are because you see them every day you're not listening to this podcast in fact you the only ones you've listened to you've said are the ones with chat on it there's that

if i've made this reference before sue me but there was a book when we were kids called nothing ever happens on my street and it was this kid sitting around glum on the sidewalk but nothing ever happens on my street and meanwhile there's people parachuting and there's like just all sorts of shit going on behind him and he just keeps he's woeing about the fact that his life is so boring. In occupied France. Yeah, it wasn't that hardcore. We should rewrite it hardcore. They're making a bingo coloring book.

Yes, Gretchen. While we were in Iceland, Gretchen. Gretchen, get up to the mic. While we were in Iceland, there's no way we're covering this whole fucking tour in one podcast. When we were in Iceland was the last show and, you know,

Shawnee was the reason we, Shawnee and Gretchen are a couple here of friends of ours. Shawnee built most of the entire fucking estate. The safe house. We came up with a good word for this place, too. Don't look at me.

The compound? It's not a compound, though. We had safe house. But Shawnee came in one day and said, you know, Gretchen and I were thinking about going to Iceland for Christmas. It sounded like a really quaint, cool place to go. I hadn't heard about that. Yeah, that's before the first time.

This was four years ago. And I went, yeah, I just read about this comedian who had been made mayor of Iceland because they had that huge economic collapse and he ran a joke campaign to get elected and won

much to his surprise he became mayor of reykjavik for uh for four years and uh so i just read that story and i go fuck yeah i want iceland sounds like a cool place to disappear too so i found his email and i emailed him uh some funny email about i i am uh coming I think this should be a diplomatic event we should meet and have some kind of official whatever and he wrote back and said

oh I just found your work myself I don't believe in coincidence this is so Shawnee was the reason that we ditched you fuck Christmas we're going now and he's very cool. And Frosty Gnar, his son, has been on the podcast.

He came and visited. Wasn't he here? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With Larraket's son. Larraket, yeah. Yeah.

So we go to his house for dinner this time in Iceland after the show. And he started talking about... Oh, I read two of his books. He has a trilogy. The Indian, the Pirate, and the Outlaw is the one that I wrote a forward for. I don't know if they're going to use it, but that's coming out in English in January.

In one of them, he talks about how when he was a kid, his sister lived across the bay it was fucking Iceland, like Killer Whale Bay and he wanted to go visit her, he's 12 years old or so and he built a raft like just by himself he builds a raft and he's

gonna paddle across it's like Anchorage. You had me at Killer Whale. That's not a swimming bay. Yeah. You want to be in a big boat, not a raft. But he launched himself, then gets caught by a current,

where he's 12 years old, alone, trying to paddle on some makeshift fucking... Milk jugs in bamboo? I don't know what they have over there. I don't think they have milk jugs. I think they have coconuts. I don't know what they... Anyway.

The new Iceland. Finally, as he thinks he's going to die, he's miles away and going out to sea. to die is miles away and going out to sea and the the whatever their coast guard is finds him and rescues rescues wow i don't think i'm as drunk as my mouth is you are they rescue him so i bring it up at dinner uh sitting around having this like thanksgiving dinner proper meal everyone has a place no man's meal. The man's meal, right? The man's meal, yes. Oh, you already heard about this? No, I think you said it last night. We were drunk last night, but you said something.

They had a name for the meal. Yeah, they have a name for it where it's to honor the man of the house. But it's like Thanksgiving. It's proper. So I bring up this story, and he kind of blows it off like it's no big deal that he was 12 years old floating out into the fucking Arctic Ocean for miles with no... And he goes, oh, yes, but have you ever seen this documentary?

I'm doing a horrible Icelandic accent. The Random Journey. It's about this man who who made this giant boat and he he sailed with the homeless people across the atlantic ocean and he made it he made his own boat and i go i don't think i've seen that documentary and so he pulls it up on his computer the random journey and then as soon as they show this giant boat bingo goes there that's and we both look at each other we went gretchen gretchen sailed on that boat with what's his fucking goofy name papa neutrino papa neutrino i'm like that's our friend she was on that boat

what the fuck really how fucking random is that? Because you're the guys that got us to even meet that guy. And then he's like, oh, my trip was nothing. Look at this. Like our friend Robispi was on that boat. Papa Neutrino. Give us a little bit of the story. The Neutrinos were a rafting.

I was going to say cult, but I scratched that out in my mind, a rafting group. A rafting group, homemade, kind of, like, it was basically an art car of boats. Yeah, yeah, totally homemade scrap materials. Well, they did it for a lot,

many, many years. Sounds like a 70s thing. They actually crossed the Atlantic. No, they did. They built a home-built scrap raft and actually crossed the Atlantic with some dogs and the whole thing. It was crazy. But you lived on that boat. We built our own. We did live on their boat for a bit, and then we built our own raft. We broke off.

Yeah, we broke off. It was fucking bullshit with their dogs. It was kind of like the Jeffersons came from all in the family. All in the family, yeah. We did our own thing. So we went for the art raft. We built a 34-foot dragon-shaped raft out of home-built materials. No nails.

And we sailed for two years on that. Two years? Two years. You lived on it for two years? yep, so I did you're a fucking weirdo they had the draft next to us they took us on some crazy journeys

listeners would know Gretchen Baer from all your paintings and photography of especially bingo at Gretchen Baer B-A-E-R. So you probably already follow her. If you don't, fucking start.

Also, paint your town. Give it a plug. Paint your town? Yeah. Is that going on? Yeah, still going on. Yeah, the old drug-free ban is now the paint your town ban. Good.

Well, we'll catch up on that later. I'm done with all this list. But yeah, that was a huge... We were having so much fun in Iceland at that point. We're done work. I even tweeted, I have no more professional responsibilities in my life retired again right and we're going to a nice house for dinner not fucking burger king and we ate shit i would never eat just to be polite we had a lamb that i think they killed in the kitchen

like everything i was eating vegetarian shit i was eating there was a vegetable we ate that they had to pass around until someone could come up with the english name for it and that turnip turnip and rutabagas right well yeah someone guessed rutabaga but they they settled on turnip to the best of anyone's guess. It's shit I'd never eat. It was a beautiful time with a beautiful family. And, yeah, then it turned into 60 hours of nightmare. We left there.

We went and watched Cincinnati Bengals fucking stay unbeaten. Who day? And then had to go back to our hotel for a 3.30 a.m. pickup for a 6.30 flight. Because in Iceland, even though there's not a goddamn thing there, they have to put the fucking airport an hour away. It's like Denver Airport without the Denver. It's just that fucking far away. And got there. We had two times, Bingo and I, where Bingo told someone to fuck off in an airport at one point.

Not that time. It was at some point, I had left her. We had several fights on this trip. None of them lasted more than... Well, that was one where I go, listen, you got to take care of yourself. Here's your passport and the gate. You can look at signs and find the gate. I'm going to go do some other shit.

And as soon as I leave you, some asshole... I can't even remember what he said to me. He said, oh, please. I wrote it down. Okay. He just walked by because she has blue hair or something and went, oh, please.

In whatever stupid Scandinavian accent. And she just openly, loudly. I said, fuck off and walked on. But really loud. Yeah, really loud. But the balloon was funnier. When a balloon told you to fuck off? No.

If we're going to snap, it's in airports, and it's never bingo. It's always me. But bingo, there was some bank having a giveaway, a sign up for a credit card kind of stand. But they had balloons, which, as you all know, if you don't know, I have an irrational fear of balloons. But bingo, we got all our shit. All of our luggage were hauling around right now,

and they kept trying to give me this balloon. They're handing out balloons. They're like, ma'am, would you like a balloon? Your hands are completely full. So I snap on them. I'm like, what about me? Looks like I want a fucking balloon. I don't want your fucking balloon.

What is it? She kept going with it. Bingo staffs, it's the most adorable thing. I can never love her more than when she finally, because she never breaks apart, but she kept going even after the balloon people were long behind us. Why would that man think

I want a balloon? She didn't even care about my fear of balloons. Just look at my hands. There was... There were two people that had the misfortune of sitting next

to us. I always get an aisle seat because I'm claustrophobic. So I get an aisle seat on this one flight, and I sit next to two girls. I think they're, you don't have to leave. You can hang out. Are you just bored? When you leave, I think I'm boring you.

No, go ahead. Go. Now leave. Now you have to leave. Now you have to go. Are you guys, I got to ask you, Doug, are you guys stinky at this point? Is this early in the tour? Because at some point...

I mean, your travel clothes stayed... Yeah. We tried to shower more than we normally do, which is still not very often. I don't even know what that means. And I live with you guys. It was so cold. I was taking baths all the time.

Oh, that's right. You do that. It was cold. Yeah, my... Oh, my God. I almost fucking cried when I listened to the Chad Shank podcast. Oh, that's right. You do that. Just because it was cold. Yeah, my... Oh, my God. I almost fucking cried when I listened to the Chad Shank podcast.

Oh, and Ichabod barked. And I heard Ichabod barking in the background. I will never chastise that dog for barking again until later. So you said you're sitting next to a couple people.

Yeah, so I get an aisle seat. At this point, I'm picking seats. Bingo always wants window. I want an aisle. We don't give a fuck if we're sitting together. And somehow, they go, well, this person is with this person. Would you mind? Would you mind?

So I have to look like a dick. So I'm in the window seat and I'm claustrophobic and it's too they're Canadian. But they might as well be American chatty young and and like and then the guy

was like and I was like and just like like like like like and I was like I'm like no like not a chance like I was I started counting the so I pulled out my pad of paper and I put my earplugs in afterwards. But I wrote down on my pad of paper, on whatever airline, SAS airline, two chicks next to me won't stop talking.

Oh, I think I can't. I'm in a window seat, so I don't have access to my earplugs. That's what it was, because my bag was up. And this girl's entire vocabulary consists of like. Literally every three to four words, she says like. I'm going to now check every time she says like in a one minute. And I checked 24 times in one minute. She said like.

And I left it out there knowing that as soon as I put my eye mask down, they're going to read that, which they did. Yes, because when I woke up, obviously I'm drunk when this is going on uh uh when i woke up i had to piss and they were just ordering another round they were getting two beers at a time and i go ah fuck because they i know they've read this they had to have read this. I left it sitting out. I'm reading a book, ISIS, the State of Terror. So I have ISIS out. Yeah. And so I bought their round. I go, I'm going to get their round of beers because I had to make nice because knowing they read this because I'm going to have to make them get up to piss and I'm in a window.

Did you pepper in a couple of likes? I'm going to have to make them get up to piss and I'm in a window. Did you pepper in a couple of likes? Well, then I just gave them some shit and they go, yeah, we read your thing. And then they thought it was funny and then I put them on the guest list and they never showed up. That was one person that went well. Was one named Moon Unit Zappa? moon unit zappa on the flight that we originally are on on the flight that our last supposed to be last flight out of iceland we are in the row two which you go perfect you don't want bulkhead

but row two is bulkhead on that flight bulkhead you can't have that's the first row you can't have your any shit at your feet i had my jacket on like a blanket and they made me put that up in the overhead it's luggage i'm like really but you can't say shit because this is the flight that's getting us home and as we get she's got window i got aisle and this tall lank, angular kid with red hair is in the middle. And he says, oh, you're together? How about you sit? And I go, nope.

Not a fucking chance. He goes, well, you can sit with her. And I go, nope. Bingo says, no, I like window. He likes aisle. He goes, I also like aisle. Yeah, that's good for you. Yeah, a lot of people do.

First time flyer. And then he tries to order a drink, and they won't give him a drink because he's underage. I didn't know he was underage. He's like, I wish I could get a drink. I go, I got vodka. We have mini bottles. Yeah, I always travel with mini bottles. He goes, oh, good, because they won't serve me because I'm underage.

He's like, I won't now. You just blew that one. So he keeps, I've never had someone try to force conversation on two people, 6.30 in the morning, 6.35 flight. And he's like, where are you coming from? Where are you going to? Bingo, already got her eye mask on and a pillow. I don't at this point. He's asking you questions, and then you shut him down.

He turns to me and asks me if I want to have a conversation with him, and I said, absolutely not. What about me? He said, oh, your book, what are you reading? I go, it's about ISIS. He goes, well, have you found any interesting facts about ISIS? And I said, absolutely not. Absolutely nothing.

And then at some point, I wiggled my earplug while he's talking into my ear, only on the side that he's on. He was so fucking annoying. He goes, I think that maybe you want to read your book more than talk you're fucking serious and then i don't forget at some point i wake up or come out of my book somewhere in the middle of the flight he pulls the in-flight magazine out of the the fucking bulkhead and find some ad i don't know what it was for but there were like eight people in what looked like a Game of Thrones kind of scenario, which could be any rural Iceland town. And he goes, that is me.

That is two years old. And I went, that's really good for you. And I went right back to my book. He's a model and he wants you to still don't give a fuck about you. Just trying to get out of Iceland. And we would. 56 hours later. I got a bunch more fucking notes, but I think it's time to take a break.

We're at about 50. Yeah. Total. All right. Well, yeah. We'll close this up with the... Do you want to do a thank you to the guy who did the... Yeah, yeah.

I get a bunch of plugs, but yeah, I'll do that on the break. All right. I'll break. I'll come up with some plugs. We'll close soft, strong. I don't know. Well, we'll aim strong, but... I get some more snapping.

I have a whole section of notes of times we snapped. We can just keep going. Bingo's fucking airplane farts. That was... Jesus Christ. There's no story other than whatever she was eating. For a while, she was eating six cans of tuna fish a day. What?

And that was it. I couldn't read anything else. I couldn't figure out what anything else was. Kenny just fucking retched and left. Canned tuna? By the way, Bingo is eating right out of the can Frito-Lay cheese dip with her fingers. She's eating nacho cheese dip. I don't know what's making Kenny vomit.

You can read that can and you still ate it. Her farts were actually a point of contention with me where I go, no more. I'm actually switching our seats. We're not sitting in the same row. And you were like forcing me. You said, call down, get yourself your own room. Go get your own room. She was, not

just airplanes, everywhere. Just these silent, and they weren't even, they didn't smell like shit. They smelled like dead things. Dead fish? And they just linger forever. We're familiar with a fart. But it was constant.

It's like she smelled like that. It wasn't like occasional. She was farting so often. And then entire plane rides where you're like, this is... Fuck you. Fuck you. She's like Pigpen from Peanuts.

I could never... And every time I said, we're not sitting in the same row ever again on this whole... And then I'd capitulate. Well, I won't do it anymore. Like she could help him every fucking flight. Sorry.

It wasn't even just you saying fuck you. It was the whole plane probably saying fuck you. They just didn't know who was doing it. No, it was the whole plane saying fuck you to me because they wouldn't think a nice, cute, little fucking blue-haired girl was going to make that stink. There was one point, and I had to stop myself

from saying, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, my girlfriend would like to apologize to the plane for the wretched spell she made

because I knew if I said that it's going to make it look even more like it was me and I'm trying to abuse my girlfriend on top of it. All right, we'll be back

after this drink. This is Black Pussy, and you're listening to the motherfucking Doug Stano podcast. Bitches. Chaley didn't mean to yell at you, and I didn't mean to yell at you so many times, bingo. But we have way more stories about yelling at each other and other people. But you know what we're going to do is wait for Chad Shank, because Chad did a fucking incredible job. I haven't listened to the last Chad Shank with the Halloween,

but we listened to the other ones, and it was so much fun, and we fucking cried every time Ichabod barked, and we missed home a lot, and yes, everyone who tweeted that Chad Shank should take over this podcast is absolutely right. And you know what?

He's coming over soon, and we're already at almost an hour here, so we're gonna fucking wait for the rest of these stories till chad shank's here because uh it's just more fun with chad shank everything's more fun i'm gonna try to make chad shank feel like less of a psychopath because we always hype up his psychopath stories where he could actually have a fucking legitimate podcast. He could have a voiceover career. He could do a lot of things if we weren't

constantly reinforcing the fact that he's a fucking psychopath. So are we. We just don't act on it. I write jokes and I scream at people and I murder people into a microphone. Oh, don't forget November 21st, road trip to Bisbee and stay at the Shady Dell

and book it now, especially if you haven't seen my act in over a year and a half. So this shit is fresh to you because I get to do this to probably, I don't know, 125 people we'll put in there? Max. For filming? We'll find out. Gene Connors is coming. We can put more than that in.

We could, but we're going to have film crew, and we want to keep it tight and pretty. So, yeah, November 21st, unless you see otherwise on the website. And, yeah, if you're going to road trip down, buy your tickets first and get a hotel first. Because you're not staying at my fucking house. You might come over for a beer, but that's the best I can even hint at. We want to thank Adam from laser-engraved.com

who finally, we got the Doug Stanhope Shot Clog podcast. I guess it's official if it's on the sign. It's on a sign. Helmet auction donors wall. the hall of famers who bought the helmets that built the house that shawnee built for us along with electric dave

electric dave oh my god the fucking tweets we get they want more electric dave we gotta get fucking margo on i we can film all these people for the new special cedric no one mentioned cedric he just chimed in here and there he was he was instrumental in that podcast yes totally yeah yeah he was behind the scenes yeah the assistant coach never gets any credit he shaley'd the whole thing yes he shaley'd the thing uh oh and we did a a cast, which was one of the big letdowns of that tour. We did a swap cast with AJ. I don't know how many of you guys remember AJ. He was stationed at Huachuca, and he has a serious past with supervising tortures in Iraq.

What the fuck? And he snapped and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so the letdown was that we didn't have time to do a part two because we were using someone else's equipment who had to go. And he had fucking brilliant stories. So hopefully he's coming for Super Bowl and we could do a part two because they had to go with their equipment. And we're like, oh, there's so much more. for Super Bowl and we could do a part two because it was, we just,

they had to go with their equipment. And we're like, oh, there's so much more. But even what we have is good. It's a swap cast, so it'll be out after this one. The first part is me talking to Amsterdam Comedy

is their podcast. So, us getting acquainted. And then we got to our guest, AJ, both of our guests, because they know the guy. He's doing comedy now. Anyway, look forward to that. Thank you, Adam from engraved, laser-engraved.com. I don't know how I'm going to be more sober for the next fucking chunk of this,

but there'll be a part two of this. And yeah, there's a lot more good fucking stories. I'm looking at my notes. All right. Wait, what was one more thing you told me to mention? Oh,

well, fuck it. We'll just wait for Chad Shank. Yeah. He said, thanks to Chad. He said, thanks to Adam.

I didn't say thanks to you. And you're my life Sherpa. Life Sherpa is don't get thanks. Hey, dumb waiter, get me a drink. Son of a bitch, get me a drink. We can't close the podcast on that. But every show that they allowed us to, which was most of the shows on that tour, no matter how sunk in the mud I was and not wanting to do the show,

we cranked Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats. The song is Son of a Bitch. Before and after the show. Before the show, I immediately was fucking hopping around like I was on a pogo stick. And thank you, Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats, for making that song that carried me through that tour of all the most depressing countries that speak English. All right. Here's something else from Mishka Shabali's new album.

Are we out? No. Can we play it them all? We need the one after Ohio. Oh, after Ohio. That would be, I still remember when you were mine. Or I can't remember when you were mine or I can't remember when you were mine. I can't remember when you were mine.

I can't remember when you were mine. I can't remember when you were. Here's Mishka. He does it better and overproduced in this version. Available at DougStanhope.com. I can't remember I'm terrified to die now, they will never get under my I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine

The free feels like I see day to night Sweet child of mine And that nightstand I built for you Was it lonely for me alone in your bedroom? Does it cry at night or does it understand As you tremble underneath your human sins I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine

I can't remember when you were mine 2003 feels like 1989 Sweet child of mine All those messages that you've been receiving That I can't remember leaving It's a small relief still It's a good thing You're deleting without listening They disappear like pennies down a wishing well

Tiny good intentions on the road to hell But I'll go bankrupt and that well will overflow before you'll forgive me and let me come home I

can't remember when you were mine no I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine

No, I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine You are mine 2003 feels like 1989 Thank you.