The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #109: Back in the USA with UK Tour Highlights pt. 2

Episode Date: November 11, 2015

Doug and Bingo continue their UK tour Highlights with Chad Shank and Chaille - Part 2.Recorded Nov. 4, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@Bingobingaman), Chad Shank (@hdfatty) and Ggreg Chaille ( @gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Donate to Chaille here. I appreciate it and anything helps stock the liquor shelf while Doug is away.LINKS -DOG SORAS - @dagsoras    THE SWORD & SCALE PODCAST - http://swordandscale.com/    HEADLESS HORSEMAN HAUNT - http://www.headlesshorseman.com/   KOOTS - http://www.koots.comClosing Song, "Burn and Rob" from the album The Glory Holy by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Bingo Bingaman, second wind, caused by... Chad Shank is back! Podcast starts now! The Chad Shank Podcast with your special guest host, Doug Stanhope. As a lot of people would enjoy. Just don't come back, Stanhope. More tweets, fucking people love you. Yeah, don't come back stanhope no offense

well how could we take any really it's the only time i've listened to my fucking podcast is when chad shank's hosting i haven't heard the last one but we heard the other three we've already on part one of this podcast gone over how uh cheering up just hearing ichabod bark in the background. I had the idea. I told Chaley we should periscope everybody on football singing the theme song to cheers to you guys just to talk with you. We would have just bawled. I was just trying to think because Chaley's playing our greatest hits

from the 30 Days in the Hole. But there was one song when we were Shanghai'd at the fucking Amsterdam airport for 25 hours. It was a Karen Crowe song that you hanged around? No, it was some song. I tried to sing like Happy Like. Yeah, and you just welled up. Yeah, I was like, I can't sing this. I tried it two different times. It was a song we like. It wasn't even welled up. Yeah, I was like, I can't sing this. I tried it two different times.

It was a song we like. It wasn't even a sad song. Yeah. I can't remember which one I loved. We were going over the... Round here? How many times? No, it wasn't Counting Crows.

I don't know. Yeah, it wasn't a... Something like that. Yeah, it was one of the... I want to know what it is so I can play it again and watch you cry here at home. I think you're on the edge. I was just... We are still. I know what it is, so I can play it again and watch you cry here at home. I think you're on the edge. I was just on the edge right there on that back in the high life, the Warren Zevon version.

Yeah. Yeah, we were just going over in part one. I tried to write down all the times we fell apart and snapped. And it wasn't a bad tour. No. In fact, it was the best time I've ever had in the UK because 80% of the time, beautiful weather like it should be for that season. October, New England football weather, dead leaves, somewhat foliage. When it did rain, it was immediately depressing.

I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. depressing. I'm going to kill myself. Where I called my brother, it reminded me of kids kicking through piles of dead leaves. We did that in Amsterdam. I was running through the leaves. Yeah, kicking up dead leaves

and that smell. It was just football weather, we used to call it in Massachusetts. The breakdowns, which Chaley brought up the list Massachusetts. But yeah, the breakdowns, which Chaley brought up the list of towns. We've gone over some of them. Edinburgh, you missed the suicide

guy thing. It was a non-event, but Hennigan making press out of it was the fantastic part. And Glasgow was just massive fistfights in the audience. So then I just wrote down the rest of the dates just to see what we remember

because Newcastle don't remember that was where you wanted to swing off the chandelier and smell a beef gravy there's no story there why do they call it Newcastle upon time why can't they just call it Newcastle it's called some dumb fucking thing.

You stop asking questions after a while. You just don't care. You just want to leave. Most of these I have no story. Hack Oddity, who you guys know, he came to three different shows. He was in Leeds. He was in maybe

Sheffield. I know he's in Nottingham. Nottingham. Nottingham. Nottingham. Yeah. Nottingham. If you pronounce their towns wrong or even correctly, but not with their accent, they get really pissed off.

With an American accent. Yeah. Tottenham, Hotspur. You say Tottingham, which is completely wrong. At one point I was in some Scandinavian country and I was talking about the triumvirate of evil towns on the tour

all UK I said all UK is Glasgow Manchester and Dublin and Dublin's not UK and there's two fucking dudes from Ireland like fuck you you act like you're different

if I fucking blindfold you spin you in circles put you on a plane and you land in some weird other town are you gonna be able to tell the difference you fucking assholes uh yeah uh bath that's uh yeah nothing you fucking assholes. Bath?

That's nothing. Sheffield, I know I hated. That's all I know. Why? I don't know if it was a bad show. I think they sucked, and I just followed suit. Sheffield, you were on autopilot on that gig. Yeah, some crowds over there, like Bergen, where they just stare at you blankly. Norway.

And you just sit there, Bergen, Norway, and the flop sweats come down. And you're trying not to look at your watch, but you know as soon as you've fulfilled an appropriate amount of time, you're just leaving. Yeah. I don't need a closing bit. You suck so much. And then you leave, and they're screaming for an encore. Yeah. It was so crazy.

But it is a second language to them. This is Shawnee. This is where I brought you up in Bergen, Norway, because I remember. This is where I brought you up in Bergen, Norway, because I remember because we played there once or twice before, twice before over the last 10 years. And I walked out and I said something to the effect of how Hennigan said, do you want to add Bergen into the tour? And I said, no fucking way. And they laughed at the not self-deprecation, but You deprecation?

Yeah. And then I talked about it was actually Andrew I think was the last guy, but I've talked to both of you about redoing the bathroom. It was Andrew that puttied it up and found all the fucking dry rot in there.

There was leaks in the tub where it had been leaking so long that that whole fucking thing needs to be torn out because all the wood and baseboard or whatever is underneath the tub. I said that we're going to have to have. I changed it to toilet because it's a funnier joke that I have to have the whole bathroom replaced because the toilet was leaking. And then I asked how much it was going to cost. And when he told me, I went, all right, let me call Brian. Put Bergen on the tour.

Put Bergen back on. Yeah, we're back in Bergen. We'll take that gig. Bergen, you are my new toilet. Thank you very much for having me here. So I opened with that you're just my new toilet. So I can't blame them for being quiet throughout that show. But I'm sure the snapping, there was an early show.

I have no idea where it was. But the filming, always the fucking filming. And there was a guy, the fucking light, and it's a bright light. The red light, like when you're... Yeah, and then it's a fucking blue light. He's like, how fucking obvious, thank you, can you be? And I just go really seriously with the fucking camera. And I leaned in because I'm in the theater and I get the lights.

And I lean in and he holds up. He's vaping. Oh, fuck. I just completely fucking snap on this guy. That guy. But the point of it kind of is worse. First, I felt like an asshole for half a second and I look like an asshole. But then I go, wait, that's the whole point of vaping.

E cigarettes is you can do them clandestine public. Yeah. Yeah. Secretly. And now you have some giant vape operation that looks like fucking Burning Man. So everyone in the room has to know you're vaping. Why not make it a strobe or one of those police lights that swings around? Yes.

So that gave me a tangent. And then, oh, that was Sheffield where I snapped. That was my breakdown show if I had one. I still did my material. I didn't drink myself into a fucking like sitting position and go fuck you I'm gonna sit here till you leave like can happen you scared the shit

out of me because I was in the audience this is Sheffield I was in the audience after the vape guy so I'm already making sure when someone's filming that they're actually filming not smoking an e-cigarette with a disco ball on it.

I thought we were going to have to get a cab and leave in the middle of the show, but Stanhope's doing his act. This is after Hennigan had left, too. So we're on our own. Substitute teacher with Nick. Still at the show? He had to leave on a couple of tour dates to go

see his mother in the mental institution before she dies because he knows not many more visits so we were left with nick yet another tour guy that has to put up with brian's bullshit at some point we're gonna have to do an intervention right you gotta be nicer to people because there's so many people. What is is he okay? Yeah, he just turns into a fucking asshole. I know. But the problem is when things are I'm that much of an asshole to him about other things, like some interviews.

Like, I had to do a podcast via Skype. Why are you setting up this shit at nine o'clock in the morning to promote a show i don't even want to fucking so i yell at him and he pays it forward shit rolls downhill yeah that's the same yeah and then so it's always the smallest fucking stanhope rose so this guy's, someone's filming. I can see the camera. You can see a silhouette. And I just jumped off like a five-foot stage.

No, but here's the thing. You were talking. You completely just, you dropped the mic. And it makes the loudest noise. I'm terrified. You drop the mic and it makes the loudest noise. I'm terrified. He leaps off a five foot stage and goes after this person. And I'm like, oh, fuck, here we go.

And I'm like, get the car. I'm going to talk to Nick at this point saying, get a fucking car running now. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. But you snapped. and I fucking ran to wherever I thought they were just film this just film me fucking talking to you which one are you fucking no film oh you're a

fuck you don't want to film me now this is actually fucking interesting you cocksucker not my act this is personalized oh I was fucking filming. It's like Make-A-Wish. Oh, I love it.

And no one would fess up. And then I have to get back up on a five-foot stage. Which was hilarious. Awkward, like a kid with fucking leg braces. And I roll three times. What are you filming for? You're filming me talking about people filming. Jesus Christ.

Either way, the point is when you see someone taking your picture, you pose and it gets you out of the... God damn it. Lucy St. John. Unfriend her on Facebook. So did the young Forrest Gump get back on stage? Yeah, yeah. She fucking...

She drops her meatballs and she brings for Christmas or potatoes. I don't know. Anyway, so I have to do this awkward. After I do my tough guy, knock-kneed fat guy in a suit, in a leisure suit, screaming at someone's face. And I don't even know which face is the right guy. But you were terrifying and then you looked like just this old man trying to get up.

Like nobody would be scared of you after you got back on stage. And he did this somersault when he got up. He did a somersault. I tried to make it more comedic because it's what i was going to do anyway when i finally got up yeah i i rolled like four times tied out like a slapstick but no that's just an awkward old man trying to do fucking isis training on monkey bars

and then i just uh you went through the rest of that set and uh sheffield is not was never on the calendar before and it won't be again do you want to talk about russell russell uh yeah well we haven't even got to london okay london because we blew off so many fucking people on this tour yeah people dog sore ass we have to plug yes because he's a fucking monster he's a norwegian comedian and the first he only i think there was only uh five or six shows on the tour we had any opening act dog did london and manchester fucking brilliantly funny in a second language he's norwegian speaks, he does comedy. So he had to change it into English,

which is comedy is the last thing that transcends the language barriers. Sarcasm, all that. I'd tell you jokes, but I'm not going to burn his material. But he was just fucking so, so much fun to be around. And he's a drinker too,

but he works, unlike so many fucking comics I know, before a show, oh, he might be in the bar, but he's also got a notebook. Yeah. And he's fucking going over and he's sweating and he's pacing

and he's doing all this shit that I have to do. And he's not even on the fucking, like he's not, he just wants to do good. And he's not even on the fucking. He's not. He just wants to do good. And that's. Those are the kind of people. We'll bring on the tour.

When we do this bus tour. In my imagination. Anyway. His name is. Dog at. D-A-G-S-O-R-A-S. So follow that dude. He's fucking funny

It's dog soar ass Just checking If you say it slowly it is Yeah People I want to plug Because we blew off fucking Glenn Wool We had to blow him off Because he was in London when we were in London

But here we go You think that microphone was loud when i dropped it in sheffield to jump into the audience look how loud it is when i dropped this name johnny depp was in london for the premiere of black mass so uh i had to go uh glenn we're not gonna make it because johnny was gonna come to the show we because when we were in Australia, we told all his crew, his handlers and flunkies and dumbwaiters and life sherpas. Sorry, that's from the last podcast. We've labeled Chaley because the manager thing gets confused.

He's our tour manager, and Brian's the manager manager. So we've retitled him Life Sherpa. And we've labeled Derek Dumbwaiter. He's our dumbwaiter. Because we go caretaker. He's not a housekeeper. He's a house sitter. But he's not a sitter.

So dumbwaiter. Actually, it was Hennigan that came up with dumbwaiter. How shocking. It's stuck. Yeah. Came up with dumb way to. Shocking. It's stuck. Yeah.

So Johnny Depp does the same thing as the comedy store where he sends in SEAL Team 6. Advanced team, yeah. Advanced crew. And they check every exit and they look for whatever they look for. It's a to-do. Yeah. So right before the show, I'm like, don't come to this show. Because he had flown from London 14 hours, and Stephen Dooters is saying, yeah, no.

His assistant. Oh, yeah, because I invite all the crew. We invited them when we were in Australia. Hey, we're doing the UK. We didn't know johnny's gonna be there so i texted all of the the crew it's a uk crew is that most of his yeah okay security people as it would make sense they're not from boston yeah russell the the chef yeah and uh so i i say hey this is where we're playing i don't know where where you live, but here's our dates around London and Manchester.

And Duders writes back. He goes, oh, JD is going to be in town. We think he's going to come to the show. So they send out the whole security thing that day. Sweep the room. And I'm like, first of all, I already heard this shit at the comedy store last year when i was working it out when they shut down the entire back of the comedy store so at the last minute i'm like

he's like i said if you just get off a 14 hour flight you're an insane person if you come to the show but if you're fucking if if duders and nathan it's so-and-so don't make it, fire them. But he said, yeah, we were just thinking the same thing. Because by the time we got there, it'd be halfway through your show and we don't want to cause a commotion. And he wouldn't, there's no like secret box in that theater. You'd have to watch from the wings. They set up speakers and four chairs in the wings just in case and he's like just meet us at this after party uh so at his hotel yeah whatever we were shit faced by the time

we got there yeah we did not fit in there at all really it was all industry douches and i i try to talk to a guy i go i'm gonna just i'm gonna make conversation it's like chad would do you know what i'm gonna go out i'm gonna put i need to make an effort forward yeah dedicated and i start talking to this guy and he starts talking down to me like and i i said uh so were you on the film and he just kept giving me flipping answers of sarcasm and bullshit like who's this drunk guy talking to me i go i just thought i'd try to meet some people and yeah i'm just in town just doing a show and and just as i'm about to tell him to fuck off because they were too condescending fucking johnny depp and amber walk in and fucking give us giant hugs

about to tell this guy he's a cunt and he goes he is and we drifted off into a corner and had fucking cocktails and it was a nice time and yeah and bingo actually you're the one who's like i'm tired i want to go home which is probably good because i think if we stayed longer than we did i would have made a more of an ass of yourself more more we just assume automatically that he made somewhat of an ass of himself. Yeah, I don't remember. We were there for a few hours. Yeah.

There's paparazzi standing outside. I took pictures of the paparazzi. Nobody took our picture. And they didn't. Yeah. So did they clear out an entire bar at the hotel for this get-together? No, it was the Black Mass Premier. Oh, so it was rented out.

One of four after parties that he had to go to. But this was the one at his hotel. Yeah. So it was like huge security. Oh, that's right. There was some bullshit with... Because I walk in and I go to the front desk I'm like I'm supposed

to meet Johnny Depp for an after party they're like we can't comment on whether that is we have no information I'm texting I'm calling fucking Dooders and Nathan and everyone

and no one's answering and I'm like now I have calling fucking dooders and Nathan and everyone and no one's answering. And I'm like, now I have to stand here like an asshole with paparazzi. The 400th person who's come up and said, hey. So then I go out and I stand with paparazzi and I start taking pictures of them just to be a dick. And then fucking dooders. Oh, fuck. Where are you? We're just trying to find you.

They got us in. But by then I was wired up. Yeah, you were. But it was... Yeah, I don't remember much other than, hey, another story I can say. Oh, yeah, nothing happened. Stopped a suicide.

I had to negotiate how to turn down an Oscar-winning fucking director for rewriting a script, bludgeoning, stage diving, going after audience members. But nothing really ever happens on my street. Oh, fucking Charlie Brooker. Oh, yeah. If you don't know the Brooker show... What's it called? Is it the Brooker show? It changes. It was Screen

Wipe was the first one, then News Wipe. This was the Apollo Hammersmith that Brooker was at. The TV show, because we had to film... Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. Oh, that's another thing. Yeah, I had to film a TV show because we had to film. Oh, fuck. I forgot about that. Yeah. Oh, that's another thing. Yeah, I had to film a TV show. But it's just their end of the year.

It's like the daily show, but they do an end of the year show. So I just riff on shit that happened during the year. But he did Black Mirror. He watched Black Mirror. All those clips are on youtube those are fucking hilarious i finally saw that you did yeah yeah they're on youtube yeah but

i don't people probably don't know that it's from a show they just think it's me in a chair i've thought about doing that the charlie brooker show when i i did my segments the voice of america i think it's called it was a couple years ago well we did it like two or three years in a row i and before that before we did it in bisbee i did it you know shit over there okay but over here we did it with me sitting in an old you know ripped up lazy boy on the airport runway in the bisbee airport and they ran that as clips of me ranting. And I thought, we could do that and just rent out the airport for, what, $3? And just put the clips on YouTube as me on the Charlie Brooker show, even though that show isn't even on the fucking air anymore.

I still own a fucking dirty, lazy boy, a bad leisure suit, and rental fare to the Bisbee. Because it would look exactly the same. We should do that. Remind me to do that. But we did film some shit. But he said, and this has

really been in my head, Netflix picked up Black Mirror for another run i was like if you have any ideas shoot on my way so yeah i'm like are you fucking kidding me because i have a lot of ideas in every interview in the uk where they brought up charlie brooker because that's how people know me over there i said yeah, yeah, I heard Black Mirror got picked up. Make sure you put it in the interview that I want to play a part. I want a role.

I got a Louie episode over here. Done with it. I want a fucking Black Mirror episode. Those are two good credits. Just give me a fucking where I can play the same character would be the best. Right, if you could do Eddie? Some Twilight Zone-y version of Eddie.

Just want to play the exact same character but with a Twilight Zone-y twist. Yeah. So, yeah, that's something I've been working on in my head when I should have been working on my act. You can play the pig that the Prime Minister puts his dick in his mouth. They were all wanting quotes on that.

They wanted me to talk about Donald Trump. I don't have a fucking opinion. That joke writes itself. There's nothing to add. And Cameron putting his dick in a pig's mouth. And you go, that's a party. That's just something. How old was he?

He was a kid. Yeah. We had Kenny have a tarantula walk across his balls for $20. Derek found a giant tarantula. Do you know this story, Bree? No. Yeah. A little bit.

Yeah. We paid Derek $100 to spread his balls out like bat wings and let this giant tarantula he found crawl across his nutsack. Well, Kenny shows up late, but we still think it's a funny gag, so I go, Kenny, I'll pay you 20 bucks. And this thing walked across his balls, then up his chest, across his neck, and we give him 20 bucks, and we go, oh, by the way, we just gave Derek 100 bucks to do the same thing.

You motherfucker! That is pretty funny. But yeah, first of all, the guy has a fucking severed dead pig's head as a centerpiece at the party. At what point do you think you're going too far by sticking your dick in it? That kind of sets the tone for a party when you're in college. Someone's going to put their dick in it. It happens. Shit, I got more

notes. They don't fucking segue. I told my joke. Oh, Bingo had to open when Brian because Brian would open the shows with his notebook. Please, we'd like you to all be here at the end of the show.

Should you choose to be. But please don't make us make you exit the show early. He's trying to find cute ways of saying, shut the fuck up and don't get thrown out. But he just, it's like you, Chaley. Every time you went on stage to introduce me, they hated you immediately. With an attitude of hate that spilled over until after the show

to where they tweeted or uh facebook message you directly email complaining about chaley going hey are y'all ready for a good show hey trying hard to like just like pave the way to a good show shot specials and and whoever that guy opening was fucking sucked. Fuck that guy. He just did announcements and told you to have a good time. And you can... One more big round of applause. You can do better than that.

No filming. Fuck no filming. Maybe it was no filming. I don't know. It was fuck that guy was what the one guy said to you. Like, he was mad. He wanted to kill me. And he went back.

This is when we first started wearing the goofy suits and Chaley was dressed as a carnival barker and had this sneaky man half stache, like thin, just above the lip

and his hair combed. Ernie Kovacs style. Parted down the middle and then out like 1930s vaudeville guy. And Chaley does turn a lot of people off when they first meet him because he has a very stoic face. You look like a dick a lot of the times because you're thinking. I'm busy. You're busy in your head.

And I am working. And you do speak strongly when you don't know it. You're being very friendly. Tracy's nodding her head. I think she hurt her neck just now. But yeah, Brian gets that too.

Hi, I'm Doug stanhope's manager boo they were booing him just that was his opening line hello i'm brian i'm doug stanhope's manager boo jesus yeah fuck like like he's some white-collar criminal. It's a great setup to go out the next night when you're on the beginning of a tour and you have to do a couple. It's like, can we find anyone else to fucking go out there and do this? Because you could put anyone out there. Well, we did. Well, no, I'm sorry. Even when it was me, it was like, I am the last fucking resort.

And sometimes it was two or three nights in a row where I had to keep going out there. And then you'd share the emails the next day, which thank you for that. But Brian went to go to the mental bin for his mother when he was off the tour. Bingo went out. Oh, you did do London. That was our biggest show ever.

3,000 people. I was pissing myself. I was going over my line She was Doing the same one liner Yeah joke Third grader jokes She just went out and did one joke

But she was pacing for three hours Before saying the joke Out loud You ate a bunch of marshmallows too right What was the joke give us your joke The one I used that night was... On the mic. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Eat the mic, baby. What was it? I can't remember. I can't remember. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Yay! Maybe I needed a joke. Bingo just fucking... Ding dong! Ding dong! Maybe I needed a joke. Bingo just fucking... Bingo just walks out on stage and it's shrieks because they know her from life in the podcast.

That's fucking bullshit, man. I'm telling you, man. Fucking I tried. Had I picked up a fucking knock-knock joke on a bazooka gum fucking rapper. Wrappy Chaffee, asshole. Oh, yeah. Like you wrote that joke, fucker. I picked up a fucking knock-knock joke on a bazooka gum fucking rapper. Like you wrote that joke, fucker.

Yeah, so Bingo was the opening act for a while and that was great and then Brian came back. A couple times we go, hey, we gave him suggestions. You know, because he's still doing, based on the Glasgow first fist fight shows. He gets out there and just scolds them.

And that's how they start the show. And that's how they scold Scandinavian audiences that don't respond at all, much less bite. You don't have to keep doing that. We're not in the UK anymore. Right. Well, his heart was in the right place. I mean, he's trying to pave the show. Yeah.

I mean, pave it to not have cold. Yeah, stuff like that. Yeah. But he's done to pave the show. Yeah. I mean, pave it to stand up, doesn't have to go out cold. Yeah, stuff like that. But he's done comedy, right? I don't know how. Yeah. Then he went into management. Bleep! Hey, rewind that, cut that part. Oh, sure. I'll cut that out.

We all know how that goes already. In his defense, you could also find some very poor business decisions I have made and say, well, you used to manage yourself. Yeah, then I got Brian. And so, yeah, he does the managing and I do the comedy. Bingo. One more joke and we'll go to break. The clock one i i you guys used that oh shit yeah oh oh you don't want to like you already burned it on a podcast oh wait

no no no i got one i got one go ahead um why does the cyclops make such a great teacher? Why does the Cyclops make such a good teacher? Because he only has one pupil. Good night, Cleveland. A round of applause. See? First of all, a terrible teacher is still a terrible teacher. Oh, really?

You're going to do this to my fucking joke? Are you serious? Well, I didn't do it that night, did I? But I thought it. That doesn't make any sense. I wish I did think it, because I would have done five minutes going, how fucked up and stupid your joke was. It doesn't make any sense. And then you'd get, boo, Stan Hope.

Yeah, a teacher that fucks his students if he's only fucking one he's a good teacher what is that it doesn't make any sense what if he's what if he's teaching you uh racism or uh homophobia you don't even have friends in the class that can go, I don't think this teacher's right. You have no peers. Who do you play with at recess? It's the shittiest school ever. I'm sorry about that joke, people. We're going to reconnoiter the entire podcast and be back with the second half after several drinks. Hey, UK merch is on sale.

Where? In the UK? No. Just on the website. Can't deal with all those problems with selling merch in the UK. But you can get UK t-shirts on the website at DougStanhope.com and posters. Oh, Jim Ether's doing posters too? We got posters.

We have t-shirts. We have everything you need to go out in public naked. A poster to cover your genitals and a t-shirt to cover your voluptuous man top. And go to DougStanhope.com and look for the merchandise page. My World Tour. Asterisk. Places that speak English that will still book me. Yeah.

All right. Some thank yous because I just got back and did mail call after five weeks, and there's a whole shitload of stuff. But our sponsor for this podcast is the podcast that chad shank as our fill-in host uh promoted and everyone's tweeting about it oh yeah they and they sent a shirt that should even fit you right is that the one sword and scale it's the sword and scale podcast which i have not heard yet but since you guys brought it up on the podcast, everyone's fucking tweeting different episodes. Oh, fuck.

You got to listen to this and that. So they sent you. I assume that's a lighter. It's a USB. Oh, it's a USB. That's what I was trying to see. All right. Nice.

It looks like a lighter. I didn't want to unwrap your gift. But yeah, they sent you a T-shirt, and they sent a smaller T-shirt. One little. But yeah, they sent you a t-shirt, and they sent a smaller t-shirt. One little. But yeah, they sent a giant one. I told them that I was a giant. Grab that bag underneath there, too. The USPS bag.

Here's something my brother got you, Chad, for doing the podcast. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness. It's like Christmas. It's a Chad Shank Christmas. This is from the Headless Horseman Haunted House in New York. Sweet. Awesome haunted house.

That's a huge haunted house. One of the biggest in the country. Somehow everyone guesses that you like black in your T-shirt. Thank you very much, everybody. That's awesome. And some dude, I should just save this for another podcast, but you wrote way too much. It's two pages of shit.

But you sent a whole bunch of bar accoutrements, shot glasses, weird double shot glasses where it's split in half in case you want to put half of this and half of that. I can do a Kahlua and cream shot. You could do a Jaeger bomb, perhaps. It's a shot glass, but it's double-sided. It's a weird thing. I think he sent bar mats, too. He sent bar mats? No more bar mats, people! Because I'm that kind of hoarder

that will build another bar, so I do not waste the free bar mats that you have sent. We are loaded with all the bar accoutrements. We appreciate all of you. I can't name all your names because they don't save shit, and I've been on the road. One more thing. While you were gone, a large box arrived from Anchorage, Alaska.

Chill Coot Charlie's. Oh, yeah. Duran, he sent the condiment tray there. Oh, yeah. And a bunch of bar mats and some other napkin caddies and stuff. So that was Coots. This guy sent a book. His name is Leo Montani,

and it came from Japan, and it's called The Essence of Influence, Practical Mind Control for Business. I haven't read. I think that's a note inside or something. That's self-published, right? That's like a Lulu Press type thing?

Hang on. Let me me go about the author leo montani got his start working for a japanese trading company before moving on to become a world-renowned corporate consultant whose clients have included many fortune 500 companies he is a co-founder of the Montani Research Institute and is a visiting lecturer at many firms and institutions around the world. He wrote that, at least. Oh, that segues perfectly into the point. I knew I had a point with the Johnny Depp shit. Is that after that, where did I put that? Hang on, please hold. Not only did I get Facebook messages and emails that I don't have with me,

messages, and emails that I don't have with me. But this guy went so far. After I posted a picture on Twitter of Johnny Depp and us at that party, I got emails, hey, my

daughters of fucking goof disabled whatever. We lined up and waited hours to see him in the disabled pen he actually made reference to a pen where they kept the disabled people so johnny depp could go over and hug them or whatever at the uh before the premiere and but she forgot her camera this is this like 11 paragraph email but she didn't have her camera so is there any way you can get me contact information to find out when he's going to be in the uk the next time because she didn't get the picture that

she that sounds totally legit yeah yeah well no he kept telling me over and over he's not a psycho no clearly not dropping the fucking disabled bond he actually said yeah i'm using that how into the event were you if you forgot your fucking camera this actually got backstage i'm not gonna fucking read it ever no no i want okay as a big fan of yours this was delivered to me Ever. No, I want... Okay. As a big fan of yours, this was delivered to me backstage, and I think it's from a fan. Joanne Savoie. Yeah.

Someone brought you pre-mixed Negronis. That was sweet. And with a note. And it said, Joanne... I'm like, fucking get her back here. She's a friend of ours. She was in Canada at the end of the tour. She's here for Super Bowl. Yeah.

She's fucking all over. She was in Canada at the end of the tour. She's here for Super Bowl. She's all over. She meets us all over the world. She's a flight attendant for a private company. Charter. She'll just show up anywhere in the world. With Bibles. Thank you. Bibles.

She used to bring vodka, but now that we've made the Negroni thing so fucking popular, she showed up with pre-mixed negronis i'm like yeah send her back so when i opened this i assume hey a fan sent some shit uh hey doug as a fan of yours for a long time including your hilarious podcasts i couldn't help but be intrigued by your recent-ish meets with Johnny Depp. And then it goes on to include, this is a short film I wrote 15 years ago. I think if you like the script and think Depp might just might or on the outrageous outside chance be interested potentially in directing too. Would you please pass this on to him?

All right. You'll have to him? All right. You'll have to... Read the tweets. You know what? It never hurts to try. I even have a nice bit about that, encouraging people. You know what? You're probably wrong, but it never hurts to try until I

shit all over you on this podcast. But please hold. He'll cut out this long pause. Not now. Still not a pause. All right. I'm just going to say I tweeted, not tweeted, texted this to a friend of mine. I said, these pinwheels are sending me movie scripts backstage for you.

Would you like me to FedEx them or should, or just have them tattooed on my back so you can have a gander while we make love best what's left of us. And so this Grant Wakefield from Somerset. This is your answer. Please have them old school tie style tattooed to all available skin. And I shall read and read to my heart's content. Just chuck the fucking things.

I don't want to be responsible for their needy useless fantasies and hopeless illusions to tumble into the perpetual eternal abyss where they goddamn belong fuck them when i was coming up i had to eat elbow macaroni and denison's 99 cent chili for months on end and buy cigarettes in single from mean mexicans three smokes at a time. God damn, I fucking love you and sweet bingo. Signed, Jay.

So, that script isn't attached to anyone? No. So, Leo Montani so uh so uh leo montani practical mind control for business i really appreciate you sending me the self-help book but uh if i can't help myself earwig factory sent me something weird and it's got a picture of richard belzer on it i don't know if it's a DVD or a CD, but we'll figure all that shit out later. And now we'll come back to the podcast after I sip off this drink and light a cigarette. Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee

and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here, the rule still stands. If you're coming to Bis i don't really pay that much attention but if you are staying here the rule still stands if you're coming to bisbee stay at the shady dell if it's available and i will step away from my book and come have a beer with you even ichabod says yay on the shady dell the shady dell.com the shady dell.com. TheShadyDell.com. It's a vintage trailer park.

Trailer's done to the nines, just like it's 1958. You're going to love it. I will come down. I'll have cocktails with you. I might, maybe we burn a steak. I don't know. But stay there. If you're in town and I'm in town, I will see you there.

And now back to the podcast, already in drudgery. The Negroni thing. And again, thank you, Joanne, for bringing us pre-made Negronis. We went to, we found one hotel when we were in Oslo. And I won't name the bar because I don't remember it, first of all. I was going to say, why wouldn't you? Who the fuck cares? I wouldn't because, like, the cuntiest bar, but great. I walked in.

It's kind of part of the hotel. The hotel is, like, attached to this mall inside place. It's just... Kind of like the jupiter how the place is next to its bar next to it has like a like a food court but of uh high-end shit because there's a theater attached where mary poppins is playing and then you walk across the like atrium indoor court but at the the end, there's this bar. And I think Bingo and I were fighting again. Yeah, we definitely were. Because you brought me a flower that day.

And then we weren't fighting anymore. You fought because she brought you a flower? Nah, it's just dumb shit. After five weeks of being always this close. We're in the same hotel room. Just the gum. I mean, it's just... Yeah, no, in the same hotel room. Just the gum. I mean, it's just... Little things like the gum.

Just chewing nicotine gum and chomping and just making it crazy. The ass music. Yeah. So she goes out on her own. So I find this bar that's the last bar in this thing, a hundred yards down, not even.

And I went in, and I go, it's early, and I know it's 2, 2, 2, 2.30. I know it's 2.30, because I tweeted, in the UK, you'd have people tweeting you at 1, 2, 3 o'clock in the afternoon, going, going hey pre-gaming for the doug stanhope show with a picture of their negroni and you go we close on that drink for a reason that's gonna fucking knock your dick in the dirt and it's six hours before my show and i have an opening act so don't slow down you're not gonna make it You're not going to remember that day because we were so fucked. And I tweeted, I'm always scared when my audience tweets their Negronis six hours before the show. Well, now it's my turn for you to be scared of me. Two thirty p.m. Negroni.

And it's Norway. So it's I ended up doing the math. It was fifteen15.66. First, I had just a vodka orange, short vodka orange, measured shot. So that was $15.66. And so I did the math, whatever. It was 106 kroners. And so I did the math conversion.

We drink shit vodka. We don't get pop-off. Vitaly is our pop-off. That cost 15 cents a shot. So, yeah. Sounds about right. Yeah. Is that a million times what we pay here at the Funhouse Shot Clog Bar?

But then I go, fuck it. Negroni's the same price as a measured shot But then I go, fuck it. Negroni's the same price as a measured shot. So I go, fuck it. Give me a Negroni and this show will suck. And I don't care. And when I walked in, the bartender, oh, wait, got to back up. This starts in Bergen.

After that Bergen show. Your toilet show. Yeah, the toilet show, which turns into something else. Go to the bar in Bergen. Woke up still drunk. That was the only night we really went out and hung out with the other comedians. I'm still wearing the fucking, that's the bar we were at in Bergen. It's called, hang on, I still have the armband on for the last two and a half weeks.

Boco, B-O-C-C-O. You can smoke outside on a deck and drink. It's great. They have heat lamps. Go there, Bergen. You are my toilet. So I wake up still drunk from hanging out, and I go to the bar in Norway. It's 1130 in the morning and i see that

they're pouring beers for people and i'm good bar is open so i went to get a fresh squeezed orange juice from the coffee stand because i want a good vodka orange and i brought my fresh squeezed orange to the bar and i said uh yeah i just just need a shot of vodka. You know, your fucking dumb measured shot. I didn't say that. With some ice. And the woman just scowled at me and rolled her eyes cartoonish and goes, we don't sell

vodka before 1 o'clock and 1 p.m. in Norway. I'm like, oh, I saw you pouring beer. Oh, you can have beer. But not alcohol. it's the same fucking alcohol in a beer as there isn't a shot this would have been your snapping point that's where in my head i go this tour is over my body will go on stage and say words but i'm not trying anymore so i started spite drinking we were flying from Bergen to Oslo, and that's when I was already in a fight with Bingo.

She's wandering the city. I find this fucking hipster bar. The International, it's called. Yeah, you should be publicly shamed. And I walked in there, and I'm going, fuck it, it's after 1 p.m. I'm going to start spite drinking because you won't serve me fucking hard liquor.

Well, you know what it's gonna be oslo's problem tonight and i asked a kid i said can i get a vodka orange that was my first drink and he looked at me the same way that woman did and i know it's after fucking one it's 2 30 in the afternoon and he went went, like I insulted him. He stepped on his toe or something. I said, vodka orange. And then he turned to the girl bartender, like

can you make that? Like maybe he doesn't speak English, and my English is terrifying him. It's just vodka and orange juice. And he went, I'm sorry, I've seen all And he went, I'm sorry. I've seen all of your shows. He was just like a terrified fan.

That's funny. He was a sweet little gay kid. He was so sweet. And his grandma just died. Well, I get a Negroni. I text Bingo an apology if you want to meet me at this bar. And she shows up with a flower. We're friends again.

And then so she comes in and she orders a whiskey. I go, I bet you want a whiskey. And she said, you're right. I do want a whiskey. And he said, what kind? Oh, this is the picture I tweeted with i said chaley start working on this bar we need this at home it was the huge like yeah probably 16 feet high like nine shelves the camera wasn't big enough no you couldn't get the wide shot yeah it was

huge glowing like the backdrop of a big version of the shining bar like all lit up was it a hotel? it's kind of like a hotel it seemed like they had enough of that headroom because it's usually double story on the ground floor of a hotel so I assumed it was a hotel

and Bingo says I'll let you choose because there's 75 fucking different kinds of whiskey that one way up there he goes how about this and she said fine and she goes on the rocks and he goes oh no we it's against our policy we don't they wouldn't put a single malt on ice just because that's... Yes. I can give you a bourbon on the rocks,

but we're not allowed to give you. Anywhere else, I would have gone fuck you really loud and walked out. Like, fuck you. How dare you, you pretentious cunt. But he'd already been a fan and starstruck you know

like fuck it why we just made up we're gonna have a good day i just drank a negroni so i'm in a better mood and i'm don't care about the show and uh and there was a uh at the tucson airport this is the longest unsolicited autograph I've ever given. She got a bourbon on the rocks because they don't. There used to be. Wait, could you just order a glass of ice and a shot? Whiskey straight up and a cup of ice. The point is they're that douchebags.

They think it diminishes the character of a single ball. No, no, The manager does. Well, that's why I would order a cup of ice and then right in front of him, pour it on the ice and fucking drink. Don't get ahead of me. Sorry, I'm sorry. Don't get ahead of me. The Tucson airport has a four-seat sushi bar,

and the old sushi guy was that kind of cunt about, this is how you eat sushi. You eat it like this. So I would order white tuna, and I'd ask for soy sauce, and he'd go, you don't put soy sauce on white tuna. And he has a different sauce, like ponzu. Ponzu. Whatever.

So I was trained, because that's my regular bar, I would order yellowtail first, get my soy sauce, so it was on my side of the sushi bar, and then I would order my white tuna, and when it wasn't looking, still like he's a substitute teacher with one pupil, call back!

I would sneak soy sauce onto my two pieces of white tuna. So I wrote this whole story out on the back of my boarding card from Bergen, where they wouldn't give me fucking vodka at 1130 in the morning. I found out the guy's name from his boss, and I wrote this entire back of the blank boarding card, the story of Hong and how I learned how to trick him. And I ended it with, so tomorrow we will see you and we will be ordering a single malt on the rocks as our second drink.

And I gave it to the guy and I said, give it to the kid. And he's like, oh, he's such a big fan and his grandmother just died and thank you, thank you so much. He bought two of our fucking rounds.

So, yeah. So don't go there. And if you're that kid, quit. I fucking won't sell you. Did we go back and drink that single malt on the rocks? I know we went back. Yeah, we did.

I love that the sushi chef that you ran into is so particular about what sauce to have on the fish, and yet they call white tuna tuna, and it's not fucking tuna. Well, there is white tuna. It's just not always what they're selling it's escalar butterfish and white tuna can all be sold as white tuna but only one of them's white tuna but they call i've had that's lying i know but i've had albacore that they say is white tuna that one near the t. Fucking horrific. Anyway, let me wrap this up. I gotta get back to Iceland

where we tortured Bjork again by Twitter. Hey Bjork, you still don't have a ride to the airport. It's been four years since we've been here. You must have missed those tweets. I'll chuck in for gas. I can't remember

all of them. It was a lot. That was the last fight we got into. Bingo. Last night. We're done our shows. We're just having the dinner with John Gnar. However you pronounce it.

The former mayor of Reykjavik at that nice dinner that we talked about in the last podcast. And hours before, bingo just starts vomiting so horrifically and for so long and so loud that I said, if you were auditioning for the part of vomiting woman, they would say, no, she's too over the top. Not believable. say, no, she's too over the top. Not believable.

So loud, I can only do it in here. Over and over and over. It's blood, right? And after that, somehow we got into a huge fight about something. I know what it was. What was it? Oh, somehow, we got into a huge fight about something. I know what it was. What was it?

Oh, I tweeted a picture of her vomiting. With my tit hanging out. My titty was hanging out. Yes, her tit was anyone anywhere that has not seen Bingo's tits readily available. She walks around naked all the fucking time. No hands have went up in this room. It was the last, I couldn't handle anything else. Did you hear that?

The internet just went silent. Yes, exactly. No one's more nude all the time in front of strangers than Bingo. And she came out and just started screaming in my face, how fucking dare you? That's my tits. I'm like, are you kidding me? She had just posted a picture from her video where she's completely naked playing the piano.

Well, nothing was showing. Yeah, except your vagina. I mean, it wasn't hanging open, but your vagina's showing. Fuck you. I don't take. I go, you take pictures of me all the time, asleep, drooling out of my big bloated alcoholic mouth. But it's not your dick. But your dick. So that. I just snapped.

That was the big blowout. Yeah. Yeah. At this point, Bingo, aren't they all of our tits? I mean, honestly. So we made up before dinner with you and our tits. I mean, honestly. So we made up before dinner with Yulnar. Yeah, and dinner was incredible.

Yeah, and then... Oh, wait, this is the point of that, though. You tweeted Bjork about this. Our fight. Yeah, so to make up, well, Ben goes upstairs. I go, fuck you, and I just left. I'm going to dinner alone but I have an hour

to kill so I'm at the hotel bar and I start tweeting at Bjork about my fight with bingo I'm like if she'll listen to anyone it's you can you please help talk her down or something straighten this out

before dinner with Jean yeah I'm having dinner because she's friends with your gnar. Yeah. So we're supposed to be dining with your gnar. And if anyone can straighten this out, it's you. She'll only listen to you. And then after we have dinner with the gnaars, I had him take a picture of all of us

at the big dinner table and I said I don't know what you said to her Bjork but whatever it was it worked and the wrap up to the whole story so we can get on with our drinking time is we get get on with our drinking time. Yeah. Is we get fucked on that flight in Iceland, miss our connecting flight.

We're stuck for 25 hours. And again, best airport I've ever been to is Amsterdam Airport. We had a great time. Spent a shitload of money on a fucking hotel room. Yeah. But you're fucked. You're there. Yeah. We could have tried to find a bargain by going into town, but did all right.

Yeah. And then trying to get the flight, the new flight home, then it's like fucking middle seats away from each other on a 10-hour flight, and then they were going to have us connect through Detroit. It would have been fucking miserable. And then Atlanta, and we're already fucking insane. And I went, you know what? Fuck it.

First class is available. It's going to cost us a shitload of money and it's going to be worth every fucking penny. And then I thought, this is just dumb. We just get drunk and take the fucking middle seats and get home. This is just dumb. We just get drunk and take the fucking middle seats and get home. This is stupid. We could build another bar and put all these bar mats that are extras. Funhouse 2.

Yeah. And then over in Negroni, that was probably $22 because it was in the Amsterdam fucking Sherritt in the hotel bar. I said, fuck it. And I booked the goddamn first class flights and made Bingo smile. I went back up and I just said, Bingo, try this. And she tried it. And I said, that's a $10,000 Negroni.

So Bergen, your toilet money. Yeah, we're going to have to just use the same toilet. Next time, Stavanger, because we spent that toilet money on first class to get us home without too many tears and in one piece two and a half days later. The next podcast, while we get that swap cast in, I want

to fucking catch up with Chad Shank, who did a fucking fantastic job, and I'm going to keep leaving town so he keeps doing podcasts. Derek is back in town with his old gal Bree. If you caught those podcasts, yeah. I said, oh, it's okay. We can talk about Bree because she never listens to the podcast.

So Sir Ratzalot goes back out on the road with his girl and goes, listen to this. Hey, you should listen to this podcast because they talk about you. So yeah, Chad Shank and Derek and Bree will be on an upcoming podcast November 21st. Come to the show. Yeah, plan that weekend, November 21st at the Bisbee Royale in Bisbee. And I will see you there.

And thank you for listening to the Doug Stanhope, Chad Shank, Shot Clog, Bisbee podcast. Good night. Hey, play the mat toy. Right on. Melancholic battling man Almost at the turn To battle as far as he can And throw up on onto a dog food Melancholic guitar man was walking with his turtle sir

Melancholic guitar man was walking with his dad to the surf Morning went morning game And the general mood was On its way upwards Morning went morning came And the general mood was On its way up front I said Hello, hello, hello, hello

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, goodbye. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, goodbye. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, goodbye. Hello, hello, hello, goodbye Hello, hello, hello, hello, goodbye