The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #111: Derrick and Bree Get Trashed

Episode Date: November 18, 2015

Doug is back and so is Derrick and his roller coaster companion, Bree. Chad and Chaille assist in getting the whole story.Recorded Nov. 4, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Derrick, Bree, Bingo (@Bingobingaman), Chad Shank (@hdfatty) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Donate to Chaille here.  Anything helps. Thank you.LINKS -Ernest Shackleton - http://bit.ly/1UpMilpClosing Song, "Don't Cut YR Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Available at DougStanhope.com.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Did you count the... Yeah, Tracy did. Is this 140 characters? Yeah, someone sent a tweet. Par Avion, Royal Mail. Put it on the podcast, right? I'm assuming we're always podcasting. Yeah, it's on, right?

It says, was being too loud. It starts out. Was being too loud and using the word fuck too frequently. In my opinion, if the word fuck is offensive to you, then either you should. And that's the entire postcard. I encourage people to send me tweets via postcard. No more than 140 characters. And then they read this and went, that doesn't even end.

I'm like, it's probably 140 characters it's a shitty tweet which is funny it could be an homage to the you didn't specify that it had to make sense it's from Royal Mail by Air Mail so it's from fucking France or some shit

that could be an homage to the 10 minute podcast yeah I don't know. I don't remember how the podcast go. I think you were talking when Chad Shank was guest hosting. You have the same problem as me. Hey, that thing you said on the podcast. I don't ever

remember anything I say. And it's because you do it extemporaneously without fucking preparing or anything. You just talk off the top of your head. Yeah, exactly. But when you're just talking off the top of your head. Yeah, exactly. But when you're just talking off the top of your head, Wait a minute, we're not preparing? And you said extemporaneously?

Isn't that obvious? Yeah, what's up with the big words all of a sudden? Start out this podcast. Oh, I got a free subscription to Smart Fuck Magazine while you were gone. Yeah, there's been some changes, Stan Hope, in the fun house. You don't know. You didn't know any of those stories I told.

You don't know how many big words I know. I'm a fucking enigma still to you. Because the other problem is we tell these stories off mic and go, oh, we should talk about that on the podcast. So stories that the guy with the tweaker that you had to give a pummeling to? The reluctant carjacker. You should have prayed to God earlier. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Silver face. I go, didn't we already do that on a podcast? No, you probably just told me that story while we're drinking. Yeah. We have Chad Shank and Greg Chaley here. And a frequent guest titled our dumb waiter now.

Derek. Do you know what a dumb waiter is? Because I know you're a smart fuck that pretends to be titatted. Yes. I knew that he knew that. Yeah, it's a great title.

I do like to move things. House sitter just sounds like a babysitter. I'm a house sitter. No, you're a guy that's around a lot and helps out and does a good job like a dumbwaiter. Did she call him a house potato one time? I think dumbwaiter is way better. I would rather. Actually, you move up to house potato one time? I think dumbwaiter is way better. I would rather

Actually, you move up to house potato. I might have said that. I don't know. It just seems like it. That's one thing we don't have yet, but we'll get after I say this out loud, is the expert.

There's another word for it that knows every single thing. This Star Trek guy. That was episode 54. The expert is another word for it that knows every single thing. This Star Trek guy. That was episode 54. You already told that story. Like that will know all of our podcasts by heart. We'd put them on payroll. Probably would, yeah.

Hey, have we told this before? Yeah, our go-to guy. A continuity director. After I had like three albums out, I had a couple people that knew them by heart, and I'd go, did I do this on that album? Because I was thinking about, and I could go to them, but that was years ago, and all my, yeah.

People only know the new shit. You did that last week. Well, I don't remember. Anyway, we have Derek is back. Where did we leave the derrick podcast because he came back after some trip with the girl wasn't he supposed to be gone for the winter when we last left on the podcast have you been on the podcast since like yeah since he came back from the first trip but then he went out on his second trip yes with that same gal pal and he was gonna live in texas at a resort with the girl and a cabin oh yeah oh no because it started out with the roller coaster

trip hang on yeah the roller coaster trip if Hang on. Yeah, the roller coaster trip. If you haven't heard that podcast, just go back and listen to it. It's episode whatever. You'll still catch our drift. Yeah. We were giving him a lot of shit because he was taking off with this girl and trying to be quiet about it. Can you help me buy a plane ticket?

Because I don't know how to use a computer. Yeah, I don't have my Derek impression down. I tried it earlier. You've been gone. It sounds a little Irish. Mick. Well, then, just as we're leaving for this five-week tour, Derek says, oh, that girl that we assumed just ditched him

because she was bored with him and made up some story to get away from him. Oh, he's going back out on the road with her. She's got a job at a resort in some South Texas place, and we're going to live in a cabin, and this and that. You have to grind this information out of Derek.

Nothing's forthcoming. He drops hints at you, like that fucking one woman on Twitter that I never address. Oh, that's so great. I love your podcast. Since I have this major disability, hint, help, ask me what?

Oh, I'm in so much pain in your podcast. Just relentless. I won't even mention her name. There's a couple people on Twitter, the over-tweeters. You might not have known me. Jaylee talked, I think, about it. I'm not going to pile on when you're being mean anymore on the podcast.

I'm not as good at it as you are. I know. These are the people I should embrace. You're mean in a diplomatic way where it's still charming, and then I'm just mean where it's like, oh, what the fuck? No, no, no. No one listens to this podcast for the feel-good message. This is the fight during a comedy show.

Yes, this is... We're leaving for five weeks over in Europe, and Derek, hey, hey, you know, do you think Jen could watch the dogs for five weeks? Because the girl... And you had all sorts of plans, Derek. You're going to live in a cabin in a resort,

and you're both going to collect your disability and write songs together. I don't know what you're going to do. She's going to paint photographs. Actually, paint photographs. Sell screenshot coconuts. I know you're going to chime in. So you can chime in. No, it's unemployment. It's not disability. sell screenshot coconuts you can chime in

it's unemployment it's not disability whatever unemployment disability we're paying for you you're disabled from work I'm paying for you to fucking exist so get on the podcast I don't care if you talk just talk into the mic alright

don't worry we'll grill Derek he's good at mic. All right. Don't worry. We'll grill Derek. He's good at this. He's been through the drill. Unflappable. Yeah. So we were going to do squares gambling on when the next football game Derek would be present for after this next thing where he's going to be gone for the whole season.

And we go, yeah, he's going to be back for football pretty soon. I didn't know if he'd be back before us, but he was. He almost saw you off. What happened, Derek? We left. You were here for a week. This is Bree, by the way, who we talked all that shit about on the podcast.

With the caveat that she didn't listen to the podcast. And then Derek goes, you should listen to the podcast. Just these two episodes where we talk about you. Big fan. It was enlightening. I used to give Derek shit for being a rat. You're just a rat. You're a rat weasel rat.

And there he is again. But that's all right. We vetted her in person when she stayed there. That's true. Gave her rations of shit. Oh, she can take a punch. I like Bree very much. Fun.

She was welcomed back. I'm here. Yep. Yeah. So what happened? You left for Texas. Bree is looking for work, so she had a job opportunity in Texas, but it really didn't work out at all when we got there.

But she had a backup. What was the job? Bartending. Okay, hang on. Is there a lot of this we can't talk about? Because I don't know how much is Derek lying and getting caught in a lie versus getting her in trouble for unemployment. That's why you have a mic, Bree.

No, she's looking for work. You know, they call and say, hey, you might be able to work here, and then it just didn't work out. I know a lot of people in West Texas. I just worked for a fucking bar and dude was like a fucking dick. All right. You got to eat the mic. You can't.

I'm riding the levels. I don't do this fucking shit. Neither do we. Look at me. It's not me. I'm the girl It doesn't. It's not. Oh, yeah. I'm the girl that can't. I can't wake up without masturbating to porn, but then something shaped like a dick is facing it.

That's why you got the orange one. It looks the most like a dick. Okay. Doug, just turn it towards her and pull it out of her arm's reach, and I'll just ride the level. Let's just make a deal. Let's make a deal right now. Either

don't chime in at all and we'll get all of our information from Derek. Stop touching. When we catch Derek lying I get to make up the rest. She has a job. You specifically said she had a cabin

and she had a cabin. She had this suite set up. All you do is raise your hand when there's a giant lie. I wish we had a cowbell or something. So she showed up. From what she just whispered through a giggle, why was she not this quiet when we first met her here Doug she couldn't wait to

from fucking 9 o'clock in the morning till you fell down at night when there's something she takes umbrage with here's the here's the bell you ring that every time Derek's full of shit.

So Derek says, Oh, yeah. Hey, do you think Jen? Because I said... Just Jen. Yeah, Jen is our other friend that can watch The House if Derek is busy, which he never is. And he said, hey, do you think Jen could watch the house?

Because he said you were coming here for a week. And we said, oh, okay, well, I hope you have fun out at Betty's house living with your parents. Just fucking with them. Well, yeah, of course you guys can stay here. Eddie's house living with your parents. Just fucking with him. Well, yeah, of course you guys can stay here. We wouldn't make you stay in his fucking bunk beds out at the fucking cartoon ranch. In the garage. The boomerang room.

You're taking my side of the cot. Fighting over the airplane blanket. The power strip shut off again. We got no heat. Mom's going to make you breakfast. Did you just call Betty mom? Yeah. Do you want two Eggos or one?

Eggos? Did you just drop Eggos into this? I love this podcast already. So, yes, I said, of course you can stay here. And then later he said, well, can Jen watch the dogs and the cat? Because he's going on some magical romantic honeymoon with you in some cabin in a resort on the Mexican border in South Texas. And what happened to that whole, what happened to her? Because first you told me, yeah, the cabin thing didn't.

Derek, he gave me the whole setup story, and then he started backing off of it. Oh, this is when it came into play. At the last football Sunday before we left, I said, well, someone's going to have to step up and be the new Derek because we're losing Derek, and he's the guy that gets here early or is already here from last night that sets up all the shit for football. Turns on all the TVs, gets in the remotes.

Yeah, won't let anyone else know how to work the remotes, so he's always necessary. He has to be, if he gives away his secret for the remotes, he thinks he'll lose his position as dumb waiter. So, yeah, we're losing an integral part of what makes Football Sunday work when we lose Derek, and I'm saying who's going to step up, and we assume it's going to be Kenny. Well, when I announce this in front of people at football,

Kenny drops like he just lost his lover because Derek hadn't told Kenny that he's about to be leaving town for the season or forever. Forever. Castle Rock Kenny, by the way. So, yeah, that created a lull in the conversation where Kenny started to tear up.

And what? Were you going to tell me? It wasn't very awkward. Were you here for that, that anyone this is how i have to hear about it yeah i have to hear from them in front of all my it was like that but then derek started backing off of it a little bit and And he said, Well, the cabin might not be... And I'm like... Real? Yeah.

This might have all been a dream. Like Bob Newhart at the end? I caught that, yeah. So, okay, Derek, I keep asking you questions and then answering I just started that from the original all through the second yeah

okay so you leave Bisbee we're gone you were here for a week then you leave for Texas what happens well the accommodations were... We weren't sure where we were going to... No talking. You can't talk. You can talk to a mic.

Turn the mic to you and you can talk. I'm just saying, Bree, you have to understand... No, I'm just saying. No, I'm trying. I don't know. I'm going to shut the fuck up. That's what he asked for. We're just talking to the mic. We're talking together. No, I don't do this fucking evening. But you're already doing it.

You're just doing it poorly. Why don't you just do it well? Derek is your lawyer then. All right. Okay. Derek, you go. You get the accommodations. We had a place to stay, but Bree was working on getting a better place.

And then it turned out to be like, hey, this dude was going to give her a whole bungalow. And he was moving his stuff out. But then she went to work with him. He was a total misogynist. And he was cutting her down and everything she did. Who would cut her down? Who would ever have the audacity to shit all over this nice young girl?

It was a really dirty, dirty bar that we came in and you know we both like to clean so we came in and we're like, oh, stuff to clean and we're digging through a couple inches of hair and mud and You were John Taffering the place Yeah, that's exactly what it felt like in the first half an hour.

I was like, we both looked at each other like, we're bar rehabbing this fucking place, aren't we? You were the rescue or were you the anvil someone threw at Johnny Victor? We cleaned it up. At least, if nothing else, we left that place clean. How long did she work there? Hours. You're going to look. Eye contact over here.

She's not part of this. Just the bell. Hours? You're going to look. Eye contact over here. She's not part of this. Just the bell. Hours, literally? You can address the bell. Yeah, during bar time, I guess. Okay, so you worked there. She quit the first day. Why do you keep looking at her?

I'm trying to remember. I guess there was a four-hour shift by herself, and then the next day with the boss, he came in and just blew it up like a dick. Okay, so it was probably about three days. There you go. I knew you were going to fucking pull through. Three days.

All right. Three days. About three days. Okay, and then you just told him to fuck off? Yeah, I just fucking, yeah, I called him out, and I fucking left. I got unemployed, bitch. Yeah, I don't need, yeah, I definitely didn't need the money

that bad. Right, so now, after three days of your, I'm gonna be gone for the whole... We go to Terlingua. What's Terlingua? That's my home. That's like, that's fucking, I show up, I, it's the best. Texas? Yes.

Texas? Yes, Terlingua's shit. Like, for real home, it's the best. Texas? Yes. Texas? Yeah, Stirling was shit. Like for real home or like this feels like home? No, it feels like home. Like business. Oh, he's home to me, but no one else would ever consider me from here. I know everybody there. I show up and they're like, oh, that guy was a dick to you. And I was like, yeah, he was a dick to me.

And they're like, we told you. Welcome back. And so what do you do next? Well, I worked in fucking Derek, like stayed in about 105 feet all day and just hung around. And I was like, well, I can't do this. Yeah, he's been training for that for years here. He's just hanging around. And I'm like, we should probably go.

I didn't understand what she said. He stayed in 105 feet? Well, we fucking can't. 105 heat. Heat, heat, heat. Oh. Heat, yeah. So I'm working.

He's fucking hanging out at camp. He's got nothing to do. So I'm like, let's fucking go. Oh, wait, you're camping at this point. Yeah, I'm I'm working. He's fucking hanging out at camp. He's got nothing to do. So I'm like, let's fucking go. Oh, wait. You're camping at this point. Yeah. I'm camping and working. Most of the time, as I understand, you guys were planning on camping.

Because I've talked about in the other podcast I do, we talked about the gypsy lifestyle. And we talked about it, too. It's like to be able to just pick up and leave. Yeah. That's a very free and scary moment. But you guys were very footloose and ready to go. Footloose. Yeah.

No, I just didn't give a shit. And you still had a tent. Money, perhaps. Even though you were waiting on this bungalow. We had one as the bedroom and the other was the living room. We had two tents. Well, yeah. Derek, you know.

It's a human habit. You can't always dump them off with his mother like you did last time. You can tell them apart by the smell. The bedroom and the living room is fucking awesome. But the fact that you already had all this shit planned and wound up. Am I missing stuff? Yeah, the bedroom smells like pina colada. The living room smells like smoke.

I missed that. Sorry. I just tagged on his. Whatever. I had some space. But the fact that you had all this job, gig, bungalow all in place yet still had a tent in reserve. No, we lived

for two nights. It was a beautiful house in Marfa, right? It's gorgeous. And then they came home from vacation. It was a $ house in Marfa, right? It's gorgeous. And then they came home from vacation. It was a fucking $2 million house. Marfa's a great town. No, I mean, it was- $2 billion you can buy Marfa. No.

Well, yeah, no, it's true. You're right, actually. With a coupon. Let's go with $300,000. Maybe $350,000. Someone hit the fucking bell. It was a nice house. And like, so dude that I'm working for is like, yeah, stay in this house.

Like it's the owner. They own fucking this, that, that, the other. I'm like, okay. So we stay in this house. We're like, fuck, everything's like automated and like fucking a goddamn like TV commercial, like a fucking, like a washer dryer commercial. Everything's fancy. And so we leave in the morning and like i see somebody at the door

and i'm like fuck we're going to get coffee and there's like someone at the fucking door and i'm like dude this is the owner of the fucking house we're gonna get like fucking back up back up right now dude we're gonna get fucking we're gonna go to jail oh so because we didn't have any fucking permission to be in this dude's house. And we realized that the night before, we were kind of laughing about it. But I was like, well, whatever. It's cool.

Hang on. Let me... Back up a little bit. That was not well... The guy that gave you the job, was that also the guy that put you up in a bungalow? He lives in a casitas behind their house. So he's like, you can stay here in their house. He gave you permission.

They're only here once a year for Marfa Film Festival or whatever. So he's like, fucking stay here. Just fucking don't worry about it. We roll up and I see some guy in the fucking door. And I'm like, dude. Uh-oh, Marfa Film Festival. Bad timing. I'm like, go back, go back.

And he's like, what? I'm like, dude, I don't know where the fuck this is. We didn't, I just realized, I have no idea where we're staying. We're like literally B&E. You just trusted the guy. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this before or after you've quit the job? Well, that was before I quit the job.

Is when you realized. But I quit two jobs. But it was before I quit the job in marfa not the one in thirling lab all right we're still talking about marfa though marfa is the one where the guy was a misogynist dick yeah i told dick so i does the owner roll up before or after the firing that was before all right so did you have to bail no then we realized it was him and we're like hey and he was like oh no don't worry about it's like, the owners are going to be here for another two days. And then we're like, okay, we need to get the fuck out of here.

All right, this story is just going to get more confusing, so I'll talk over the rough patches. Chad, Chad, settle down. Do you want to try to help me? Let Doug take it. All right, so you bail out of Marfa. How far is Terlingua from Marfa? 120 miles or something.

All right. So you zip down to the road where she has no track record. And it's raining and it's midnight, by the way. I'll just throw that in. This isn't a novel. It was a rainy midnight when I left for Terlingua. That's good for our court reporters so she can keep track of all the details. It was a rainy midnight, man.

It really was. All right. So you stay in Terlingua for how long? About two weeks. A little over. Yeah. And then the whole time deciding how many times you can crawl back here and save face or what excuse you need. Well, no. and save face or what excuse you need.

Well, no. You got to come back with me or otherwise you're going to keep thinking you dumped me on the road. I need you to get on the podcast and get my back, but you got to do it with a straight face and I can see you can't do that. I have a reputation.

All right, Derek. What the fuck are you doing this whole time? Sitting in a tent. Smoking weed. Yeah. If you want to do this on another night, we can. No, this is going well. What was I doing?

People trying. If you're still listening at home this is what i heard while we were away i got like two text messages from derek that were very cryptic and then i heard i don't know if it's i heard from someone else i think jen said yeah he came back and he said something about he got arrested, but he didn't get arrested. And they had pot on them. And then he came back and I don't know if the girl is with him or not. And that so there was this is supposed to be every story has an arc to it.

story has an arc to it, Lewis. I'm trying to get from you leaving, being in Terlingua, to come back to what you showed me very humorously as your wedding certificates. I got caught up. We're not cutting to the end now, because we're only

fucking 20 minutes into this, and together you've said two intelligible sentences uh trinidad was a really dead town there wasn't much to do and there wasn't much money to be made so there wasn't enough money for beer so we just you're basically pimping her out because you're sitting in a tent where she's money yeah bartending and you're sitting around with your fucking fake gold jewelry on, I'm guessing,

slapping her around at the end of the night going, where's my fucking beer money, bitch? I've been sitting in this tent all day. This tent ain't going to pay for itself, ho. I would go into Big Bend National Park and explore a little bit, but it's huge, but there's not a lot of... There's so many trails you can do and there's... Or jobs.

Yeah. Pan handling? Yeah, Derek, you could have been bussing dishes and having her back. Derek would be a great pan handler. There wasn't enough money in Terlingua to even buy us beer, so she said, hey, let's go to New Orleans and visit my friend. Ding!

Let's remember this when there was enough money to get arrested for having pot on the way home. Okay. Now, while you're not looking for work, well, you were. You're walking all the trails of Big Bend National Park looking for a job, I assume. Hey, Doug, by the way, can you bring the bell closer to Chad?

Yeah, the bell needs to be over here. Just the bullshit bell. I want everyone to have access to it. In fact, I wish everyone in the room could have a bell. So she's working bartending again in Turlingua? Yes. Okay. And you're walking the trails of Big Bend National Park,

and then you hook up at night in a two-bedroom, because it's like a 1950s sitcom where they have to sleep in separate rooms in the tent. After the first trip, she goes, I'm going to upgrade to a two-room tent so you can be over there. We're not homeless.

Terlingua, how does this end poorly at some point you decided this is my home this is the place I love and I'm in a tent you were fucking bored there's not that much to do out there

come closer to me you were bored you were so fucking bored dude you were just sitting around in that fucking tent all day next to the fucking shitters. Was it out of pot? There was a fucking shitter right next to our fucking tent. Fucking sweet. I mean, it was like good and bad.

It was gone when he walked in. It's like the Beverly Hillbillies. But, you know, it wasn't that good. Shitter next to the tent. It just wasn't that good. What are we rich? What are we rich? How can you possibly be bored? You can sit and then you can go take a dump.

I thought you liked the people watch. Which... Oh, shit. It might have been what... So, Derek, I know she's piling on you. Now I have your back. I know. I know. There's nothing wrong.

It's just... There was nothing else to do in the town when she wasn't working. So it wasn't like I was bored. Well, you don't do anything here. You're never bored. You just sit there and you're always amused just sitting around. Good point. Here, does Derek ever seem bored?

Never. No. Well, no. There wasn't flat screens and video games in the tent. There were not flat screens and video... What the tent. There were not flat screens and video. What, really? No flat screens in the tent? What are you, animals?

So you're pushing for her to get the fuck out. No. I didn't care. I wouldn't mind staying in the tent, but the park was not... The trails let you down. Hey, dear lonely planet. It always looks better on the Yelp review.

I shacked up with this girl, wayward, aimless girl, and I lived in a double-wide tent in your park. I was not impressed. We couldn't even afford the park. How much was it to

live in the park? 16 bucks a night. 16 bucks a night? Yeah. Plus, it was, what was it? 50 bucks for 7 days? A hotel was 12. You couldn't work some sort of disability discount in there? Well, we had talked about that after. We got the annual pass, but yes, apparently he can enter free.

Well, Derek's disability, your unemployment, I'm sure that's always a source of contention. Who's better? I make more money when you make unemployed. I save us more money. that's really shitty trails when you walk as slow as derrick and you've gone through all of them yeah he he leaves you you can track him because one footprint and then one drag mark and then one footprint and then one drag mark. He's been through here. I can see you.

He ran away that morning, that night. She just finds him over the hill a bit. He's now heading west. I just keep picturing him circling around in a little trail and he's right back to his tent going, who the fuck did trail suck? Because he's dragging an anchor.

He's dragging an anchor. No way. He's slowly turning right. He's dragging him in a circle. This gamey leg created the trail. Missed the trail hit by 12 feet. The park ranger goes, hey, you want a job? No.

You're a natural. Sorry. My gal's working. Those were awkward conversations. What are you doing here? I have no fucking clue what I'm doing here. Oh, my God, yeah. Were there other people that lived at this park like you did?

Was everyone else a vacationer? There were bikers, dude. A lot of bikers, man. Yeah? What kind of bikers were there? The snowbirds were in there. They were already set in. There was some renegades and shit like that.

Oh, and there was a biker rally while we were down there. Oh, that's why you wanted to get her out of there. That's why we got arrested, dude. Yeah, you get a bunch of bikers around her and they all start calling her by her first name or her nickname. High-fiving her. She's like, no, this tattoo's from you, Duke. That was you did that.

I'm bored. I want to go. Just go for a spin on the Harley. Be back. I mean, I'm going to work. Oh, man. I mean, no. Bring back beer money.

Is it straight from the biker park Sturgis South directly back to Bisbee? Was that an overnight decision? Well, yeah. No, we were going to go to New Orleans. Well, we were, and then we got fucking arrested at the border. Good checkpoint. We got detained in a cell for two hours. You're going north.

All right. Yeah. So you're going north. All right. Yeah. So we're going to take a right. We're going to go to northeast. We're going to go to New Orleans. Because both of you have no knowledge of border checkpoints. Well, all right. So I told him.

I was like, oh, shit. I think there's a fucking border patrol checkpoint coming up. And he had just, like... He just exhaled pot smoke. No, yeah, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm doing this for the people who are trying to listen at home, but you just talked at me. I mean, I don't know where it is. And I'm like, I think it's coming up, like, real soon. And so he just, like, you didn't really hide anything.

I didn't have my hand out the window with a bag and a pipe as I was tossing it. You didn't Andy Andrus did. No, he put everything just underneath, like, the fucking seat. Like, it was right there. And then the dogs. We didn't even need the fucking dogs. You just blown out a fucking huge waft. It was like, they were just like, dude, you guys are stoned.

So you fast times at ridgemont hide yeah where you just roll down the window and yeah they didn't even need the dog like i'm fucking taking a break right now we don't need to they'll never look under the seat not anymore man yeah it was just like just pull over just like it was literally like you pull up and he's like pull over you know and i'm like talking seahawks and shit. And that didn't work out well. In cowboy country? No.

You should have talked cowboys. Well, I just figured. How much weed did you guys have? I fucked Roger's sawback. That's how you should have opened. Yeah, no. It was. I got herpes from Emmett Smith.

How's your day going? Oh, you're a Cowboys fan? But you had to bring up the Seahawks. Oh, yeah, I know. I just went for anything. So we get pulled over, and my car is a little fucked up, too, so there were some issues just even pulling over.

No, I pull over, and Derek tries to open the door, and my door is fucked up, so he can't get out of the fucking door, so it already looks bad because we're like... My door... Some dudes, they didn't fix my door right. So you have to open it up from the outside.

So he couldn't get out. Yeah, we have a Tahoe like that. Yeah, he couldn't get out and then that looked bad. When you're driving? Derek's driving? No, I'm driving. Oh, the passenger side. I fucked some shit up just even pulling into that.

And I'm like, nope, I can't go that far. High as shit. Cops love that. Did you try to hide the weed or did you have it in your hand? No, no, not at all. Not at all. Did you call the guy Sergeant Stadenko? Sorry, I said Cheech and Chong.

One last second, you put the weed in the car? Isn't that the worst place? Yeah, you put it under the seat. No, I said Cheech and Chong. One last second. You put the weed in the car? Isn't that the worst place? Yeah, you put it under the seat. No, you put it on your person. You put it on your person because it's way harder for them to actually risk you than to go and look in the car. There was still smoke coming out of the windows, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm like, you know. You shook it up your ass. No, I'm not trying to have it in my lap. Or somebody else's. That's how bingo Yeah And fall right back out Dogs are fucking

Chew on it Sorry I really wasn't that concerned about it Because we've been through so many With the pipe just laying in the seat But I hadn't been smoking So it was like Oh we're fucked

Yeah we were fucked We were fucked Alright They're gonna find this pipe What town are you near? Alpine Alright Alpine Another cool town.

Texas? Texas? Yeah. About 20 miles south. Great vintage shops. Actually. Really are, yeah. Yeah.

Thrift store. We'll put some of the links. Dollar stores. Lots of dollar stores. We'll put some of the links in the show notes. Yes. Three, four. So Alpine.

So you're close enough that they can. Did you actually get arrested or just cited? Well, they should have arrested us under the law, but they had to call... The Border Patrol can detain us, and the sheriff is supposed to come and arrest us. So he takes two hours to get from Terlingo, where he was at the biker rally, to get up to Alpine.

Oh, nice decoy. Yeah. Hey, fuck, we don't have to hide, are we? There's a biker rally. Every cop is down in Terlingo or is that the biker rally to get up to nice decoy yeah we don't have to hide our weed there's a biker rally every cop is down seriously it takes him two hours while we get detained by the border patrol to get up there and he opens the door and he's like the first thing he says is these guys want me to take you to jail

but I don't have time there's a biker rally in Terlingo and I'm just gonna to write you a ticket. Leave that open, Tracy. So he just basically is writing the tickets, walking out the door to the car. I mean, he's writing them and, like, get, you know, going. He's that much in a hurry. Yeah.

So he just – and he was really cool. He's used to the drill. He's not, you know – it's a really liberal county when it comes to that used to the drill It's not You know It's a really Liberal County when it comes to That kind of stuff It's Texas And weed's being legalized

Or non-criminalized Everywhere And you don't want to be That fucking last cop He definitely wasn't a dick about it He was He was really cool The border patrol

There were two of them That were That was their gig They wanted to see us Go to jail And they were really pissed off That we didn't. The guys that were eating the Lunchables?

Two of them sitting outside the door when he walked us out that were giving us the evil eye, like, fuck you, I wish I could shoot you, drugging you. You know what they're going to do to you in prison, Derek? They're going to make you clean up after football. Because, I mean, who else would fuck him but her?

Clearly he doesn't know how to put weed up his ass, so he's not worth that at least. They released this. I don't know where you want to go. You got a hold, dude. He totally got off the whole charge. It's like $1,000. He got off of it.

He didn't have to pay that. What do you mean, get off of it? You have citations that you have framed. You for paraphernalia and Derek for possession. I like how you guys split the charges like a couple instead of one of you taking them. Well, I didn't want to be a liar.

They were like, is that really your bowl? And I'm like, no, it's my bowl. Hold on a second. Doug, can we Monday morning quarterback this? Can we defer to Chad? What was the right thing to do when you get pulled over with paraphernalia and with an amount? How much did you have? Under two ounces? Yeah, it was like four

grand. And a girl or a guy that you don't really care that much about. What do you do? You pin it on them? It's her car. Well, that's definitely the go-to, but Pin it on her? You have to factor in how soon you're going to get laid by somebody else after that. There's so much.

It's a trigonometry. It's a burning bridges situation that you have to look at. But you hide the fucking weed in the pipe. On you, though, right? Yeah, on your person. Yeah. All right. But there wasn't enough time.

It wasn't a matter of we knew. It was like, oh, shit, there's a Border Patrol checkpoint right there. It was like, no matter what. There's big signs that tell you to slow down for like a mile ahead. Was it California? I swear there wasn't. There really wasn't. Some guy jumped out in the middle of the street like a fucking...

This is just around the corner. You just see trees for a little bit, and it's around the corner. And it's just there. There's no sign saying Border Patrol checkpoint. No, there really aren't. We have Border Patrol checkpoints before we can go anywhere near, like Tucson.

We see them all the time. We knew. I think we knew it was there. Derek's not known for seeing shit coming. And I don't really smoke weed, so it's like fucking, I don't know. He's just smoking weed and I'm not smoking weed. Yeah, but you're still on the border and you know better.

I just fucking assumed Derek knew better. Derek absolutely knows better. Totally. He didn't forget to know better. No. So what happened?'t forget to know better. No. So what happened? You have these citations. How do you say the charges were dropped if you have citations? Don't get that fucking chair bottom jammed under the thing.

It's getting torn up. No, you're fine. Just don't get the back of it jammed under. There you go. Sorry. Chair advice on the Doug Stanhope Shot Log under. There you go. Sorry. Chair advice on the Doug Stanhope Shot Log Podcast. Yeah, sorry. When I said leave that door open, I meant so the dogs

don't keep sticking there and snouting it, and you left the screen shut. Yeah, because it's hilarious when Henry ran for president. Yeah. I called the county attorney, and I was like, this is the case. This is what's the story. What do you want us to do? And he's like, what are you guys doing?

And I'm like, I'm not working. I'm on unemployment. Derek's on disability. And he's like, okay, what's he on disability for? And I said, traumatic brain injury. And he said, okay, my daughter's got traumatic brain injury. That's cool. So I'll decline the case.

Send me over his fucking earning statement. And I'm like, okay, cool. Talk to you later. Well, she said, I'm Bree. Remember my tramp stamp? And he goes, oh, charges dropped. You in town for a little while? Tell your boyfriend you're working.

That old ruse. You show back up at the tent with a 12-pack of Natty Light, he ain't gonna know the difference. Oh, that's lame. I mean my boyfriend with the dragging leg. What is he doing? Gathering pine needles for a fire? No, he's just taking a walk.

Excuse me, miss. Your boyfriend's a fire hazard. So, yeah, we were going to make bets on how long it would be before Derek is back helping me prep for football and uh turns out he left a week later than our tour and got home a week or two earlier than we got back I wouldn't have even been here to celebrate the victory of whoever won that square. There wasn't even time to draw up the squares. Let's cut to the future. When do you plan on getting

the fuck out of here? As soon as there's a Bisbee biker around? I don't know. It could work. I mean. What are your intentions with my dumb waiter? Oh, my God. Is there love in the air?

Stop. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Stop is not usually the first word. The yes that you followed it up with would normally be the first thing. Oh, fuck me.

You don't roll your eyes, gasp, and go, yeah, love. What was the question? what was the question we have uh I bought these uh weird what are you mylar funhouse mirror things that are each like like two

feet by five feet or something and they like stick to the wall and I thought oh that might be fun in the fun house to have fun house mirrors. And I bought them homesick on eBay on the road. And do you think you could do something creative with those to earn your keep? Well, if you're going to fucking hang around here,

you have to have serving drinks around here. I've been cleaning. I've been fucking cleaning. The place looks great. No, I think. But that's Derek's job. I don't think we can do that. It is Derek's job.

I'm just saying, well, if you're going to stay here for a while, what's your skill other than camping? Because that's where you're going to be if you don't know. Leaving. Yes. Stalker's been taking. Are you really leaving? My skill been taken. Are you really leaving? My skill is leaving. Are you really leaving?

I am leaving tomorrow, but I'll be back in a few weeks. Where are you going? She's going to look for work. No, I'm not. In L.A. And she lost her driver's license. She has to get a new driver's license.

I have to go. I lost my driver's license. She's going to get a passport. Was it lost, or it was taken from you by the authorities? Surrendered, I think they call it. I kind of wish because that missing moment, it bothers me. But I don't know.

I think it's really trash. I lost a fucking vintage Delta Tic Tac. No, I threw it in your fucking, the big trash can outside, the big giant. You threw it in a dumpster? And it was Thursday night and it was Friday morning, right? The trash came in here. And I was like, fuck, I need to look in the fucking trash can it wasn't in the trash can

it was never in the trash can what did you throw away oh you finally threw away your weed and go oh my driver's license was in that same purse I did I did do that well I thought I did that and then I dumpster dove for the first time in my life, which was fucking –

I don't know if you guys have ever done that. Can't all of those things be taken care of locally? God damn truck stop fucking gas station and you dumpster dive. It's enlightening. That's what I was going to say. Tell me about it. It's genuinely enlightening. Flying J.

I was looking for weed. I was looking for weed. That's all I could do, look for weed. And this chick was like, I'm going to look for weed with you. And I was was like i'm gonna look for weed with you and i was like why you don't even smoke weed she's like i don't care i just want to help you she jumped into the fucking fire with me all right that's another weird story you never make sense out of i'm sure it was fascinating if i was there tuba city man tuba city a Flying J? No, it was some local. TA?

I don't know, dude. I don't know. Local truck stop? But she was fucking badass. She's tweaking. Flying hay. If you're hanging around a fucking truck stop, jumping into dumpsters with strangers. I had hung around that truck stop enough to know that she had just given birth to her

second child, and this child was two months, and I bought her a fucking AM, PM gift certificate at which she works. Who's fucked up here? Who's the fucked up person in this story? How many people do you know at biker rallies and truck stops? I'm just saying, Tuba City, man. She helped me. If you had a cell phone, how many numbers of truckers and bikers and prosecutors and cops?

I got fucking people in different area codes. If I wasn't refraining, I would ask what you did while you hung around this truck stop for that long. Yeah. Dumpster dove. I just dumpster dove. For so long that you get to know folks. About two hours. Oh, yeah, we talked.

We chatted well what else are you gonna do in a dumpster it's not an elevator and then that's when we brought back dinner to the chick that worked at the am pm and we all kind of fucking kumbaya and shit and i was like dude but this is not the dumpster you lost your license in you get no that was the dumpster i thought i lost my weed in Yeah, so we're back to your driver's license and how you're going to get the fuck out of my house. And actually, I didn't lose it all. I found it in my camera bag about an hour later. Have you checked your camera bag for your license?

Before you go out front in front of my neighbors and start searching through my dumpster? Nope. We knew it wasn't in the dumpster. We heard the trash run hours after she threw it in there. All right. So you're going back to L.A. Chad's backing away from the bike.

No, no, pile on. Come on. That's what this is all about. Do it. She can fucking take it. It's fine. She'll start throwing it back eventually. So you're going to drive back to L.A. with no license

and worn out for your arrest. I actually think there is wine. I mean, I don't know. You can catch that in Alpine. Oh, that's true. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. No, I got to come to the rocket.

So you're going to drive back in your broken down car back to L.A. to do what? Broken down as a Seahawks girl. In fact, I can't be filled up. But my car is fine. I'm going to go back there. You know, I'm probably... No, I have no idea. But you know you need to get the fuck away from Derek for a few weeks.

I think what I need to do is probably work on the fucking outhouse photos that I want to take. That's my goal. It sounds stupid. Outhouse. She was doing a... A pictorial type thing. A coffee table book of outhouses across the states. I got a lot of fucking photos, man.

Was that why you were so excited to be right next to a shitter in your double wide tent? I can take pictures from bed. No, it wasn't very pretty. All right. But no, I'm probably going to just go to Nevada. Is Derek going with you? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Actually, yes. I think he is. Oh, my God. That's why we need video on this podcast is to see the looks they're sharing. I wanted to ask. Well, I didn't want to be the one to bring it up. So adorable. So are you going to be the one to bring it up. So adorable. So are you going to be here for football Sunday?

Yeah, he'll be here. So he's not going. Yeah, he's not going. He's in revokes. Yep. I didn't even say anything. Nah, you don't have to, brother. I think it's best.

I don't think you're doing any of this saying in this relationship, so you're fine. Well, she said, I know that's your gig one night, but why don't you talk to me? And I'm like, but you said that. You knew that was my gig. I don't talk a lot. You were the one that talks.

Oh, no. When Derek talks a lot, then you don't want it. No. Yeah. He just gets on tangents about stars and astrophysics. Doctor Who. Yeah, lots of things. I almost cried watching Doctor Who. Really? No, I'm not joking.

I seriously almost fucking cried. That's a good fucking show. Oh, I thought you meant how many times he made you watch episode after episode, like our five-week tour of Europe. Guardians of the galaxy. However, that was the most painful thing.

I love that. I watched that with my niece in Australia just to have something to do. So we didn't have to talk. There was such an, Oh my God. And it was like two and a half hours. All right. So we don't know where this love affair is going to end.

Don't worry. We're just going to wrap this podcast up wrap it up and uh but we don't is it i want closure are you going to leave with her do you want him to go with you are you in love is there a wedding bliss in the future? Do you want him in? When you drag Derek into the Viper room because the guy that gave you the fucking HPV from an 80s

Christian heavy metal band is playing and getting you in for free, are you going to be go, Derek, come on, dress up in your favorite khaki slacks and polo shirt and come down to the Viper Room with me

with all my rocker friends who left me out of their autobiography. I'm only here. Make-A-Wish Foundation sent me here. I have no idea why I'm here. I really don't. Doug, are you saying Brino's the guys in Leatherwolf? I was thinking Striper,

I think. Was Striper one? Wasp wasn't Christian, though. No. Striper, I think, was fake Christian. Striper was Christian. Oh. Alright, let's just cut to

guys you fucked in bands in 1989 okay first half of 1989 she was only 9 yeah let's cut to that question stands

88 back into the scorpion days 88. Back into the scorpion days. Oh my God, Angel. She's talking a lot about scorpions. Oh no, that was scorpions, the insects. I actually enjoy Bree being here. She's a lot less chatty since you made her listen to the podcast where we talked shit about her.

I can't remember all the shit we talked about. It was a lot. You just shouldn't have fucking... I know. It would have been way... Derek is the dildo fan of mine. Not him, but he's like the fan of mine that finds shit on the internet that's negative about you

and then emails you a link going, this fucking asshole has no idea what he's talking about. He thought... i think you said it would be romantic i think was though you were like it's really sweet i think you'll really love it and then we just shit all over you and by the way i had two of my ex-boyfriends listening with in the car yeah and they were like this is fucking great turn it up and i were like, this is fucking great. Turn it up. And I was like, oh my fucking God. They're in Derek's side of the tent in three cots. Because it was romantic.

Derek's wearing a dunce cap that says cuckold on top of it. He's listening from the shitter next to the tent. But that's awesome that Snake and Diablo were fans. Do you have anyone you want to plug? I mean, on the podcast.

To Lingwood, do you want to plug the bar you work at in Tlingua for two weeks a bunch of my friends are going to be on that show and it's going to be on Nat Geo it's called Badlands The Badlands if you get a T vote it's The Badlands

The Badlands is going to be on Nat Geo in what likeo it, it's The Badlands. No, I don't know. Thank you. The Badlands. It's going to be on Nat Geo in what, like two months or something? No, it isn't. All right, watch The Badlands. It's all my drunk friends from Terlingua on the show. Oh, this might not be the thing. It could have been me. This might not be the thing. It could have been me.

I missed out on that. It could have been me. All right, did, break or end? I'm going with end. I can't imagine this going any further. Unless they break out in a huge domestic dispute. Why did you say that on the podcast

about me? Well, you didn't say not to say that. I'm sure Shayla will leave it running for a few minutes afterwards just in case. She's asking me where we're going by writing it on her hand. I mean, I had to write my answer back. And they said maybe Safeway, and she's talking about California. You guys are close.

Pretty close. You mean you have spots left on your skin that aren't covered with prison tattoos that you can write on? I know. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah, it's true. All right. That's a podcast.

Thank you, Derek and Bree. Fucking a match made in Bisbee. We'll see you next time. Until then, play a song. Maybe a safe way. Then play a song. Maybe a safe way. Okay, and obvious awkward edit.

Wait, this podcast isn't over. We had to wait and drink for another 36 solid hours with minimal amounts of sleep to get to the end of the story, which was the beginning of the story that we forgot, and now it's, oh, shit, it's already 10 o'clock in the morning. The girl tries to sneak

out of town, the girl that was leaving two days ago. Yeah. Yeah, she's actually leaving, and I went, no, you can't leave till we do the end of that podcast with the whole end of the Texas drug bust asterisk very small minor not really a bust bust and uh we had to crack some uh some uh morning I'm drinking red beer which I never drank uh the Miller lights are going around Chaley's drinking coffee because he was yanked out of bed at 9.15.

Set up the podcast. The girl's trying to leave. I just took a dump that raced out of me like a feral cat out of a sewer pipe, and I feel like a million dollars. So let's get to the good part of that story. Is the whole point, as you know or don't know, we sell stolen hotel Bibles after the show for outrageous prices because they're a rarefied object

because you can only sell as many as we can steal out of hotels. We found creative ways of stealing them. Chad Shank master at it, but they have to be legitimately stolen hotel Bibles because we charge fucking monstrous prices and people buy them. I don't know why. So Derek, on his

journey before he was hijacked at the weigh station, the surprise weigh station of Border Patrol, you had stolen some Bibles for us go tell us well we went uh to a church somewhere in texas i didn't want to talk about this because i was still nervous about my arrest or almost arrest but he thinks this is going to get him in trouble

the bibles yes i think that all the fucking church wants is someone to want that fucking awful book. Yeah. Well, it's a weird situation, so I'm not sure how they would take it. Well, let's go. So you're on the road. And Bree says, I know where this church is. It's really cool. We can walk up to it and drink our coffee.

So we went up there during the day and there's a cabinet full of prayer books. And I'm like, yeah, if I had five or ten of those, I'd be really happy. And Brie says, well, let's come back at night and get them. And so we get nice and drunk. Really pretty lit.

And I went to the church. Oh, I got pulled over that night, too. You got pulled over drunk? too yeah brie got pulled over drunk with the bibles in the back well i thought i thought this happened at the border stop oh this is a different i thought it was okay was there a day you guys didn't get pulled over by the police uh there's a few there was a few yeah those were the days Derek was bored. After the beginning of this podcast two nights ago, where he said, yeah, I was living in a tent and I was bored. And then after that, I just watched him do nothing but sleep

and then sit here in the fun house, doing absolutely nothing for hours with Bree beside him, not bored at all. I said, are you bored, Derek? Because you've been sitting in that same spot. him. Not bored at all. I said, are you bored, Dirk? Because you've been sitting in that same spot. No, not bored at all. I guess it's the tent. And for the record, you know, you guys, and we do, we'll get a picture up.

I don't know if we mentioned it. Oh, yeah, we did mention the picture of the people who donated and bid on the football helmets. Yeah, your names are bid on the football helmets. Yeah, your names are up on the wall. We'll get a picture out at some point. But yeah, you built us a fucking bar. I have my own bar to podcast at that you, the listeners, built. And after that whole podcast where she had all those jobs bartending,

last night we go, hey, can you help us out and make some because it was football, Thursday night football, and she goes, I don't know how to make that. It was something simple and Chaley was the one that goes, wait, aren't you a bartender? I'm not a bartender. Yeah, it was like... You were hired as a bartender. It's not fucking hard to learn it.

It's not like rocket science. It seems to be impossible for you. Last night. You know, a vodka soda, the ingredients are listed in the name. What kind of soda? There is a problem. You could have cream soda. How did you lose two bartending jobs in three days in two different towns? I don't get it.

Quit with sodas? Do you mean like Mr. Pibb? Or you want cream soda? I don't know what you want. Here's your scotch and soda, sir. You know, Dewars and a cactus cooler. That sounds good. See, there you go.

That's all right. You're all the way. All right. Okay. Power up, Derek. Tell us this story because I thought the whole Bible thing. You went and stole 39 Bibles from a church. Really? 39?

Yeah, because you found those last two. Oh, that's right. 39. Yeah, they're stacked in the house. I was really miffed about that, wondering where they were. Yeah. She just found some luggage she was going to discard here

that's what we had the Bibles in I go that ain't empty I moved that it's not empty and she says no she looks inside and then goes oh wait in the front flap oh two more Bibles and Derek breathes this OCD sigh of relief because he's sitting in there for the last two weeks

counting Bibles I stole 39 it doesn't make sense i pull it out my hair that's not even a joke really on that because pretty much it 39 37 i count them three times so you went in drunk to a church and thought it was for our benefit because they're worthless anywhere else only i can make the word of god worth money they have those nice crosses on them and the little red ribbons i thought they're really you know they're really pretty high end yeah they're nice yeah they're but they're technically not stolen hotel Bibles, so we're not going to sell them.

We are actually, I have a giveaway program. Here's an idea. Yeah, the first 39 people that buy tickets to the live taping, but that will already have happened. We'll make a commercial later. Anyway, you steal these fucking Bibles like a good person because you're like Oliver Twist and I'm your Fagin and you're going to bring home stolen booty. Well, it's the actual what happened is Bree ran up to the church, runs in, brings out about 15 Bibles, throws them into my arms and presses lock on her key fob for some reason. I don't remember that. To the getaway car.

Yeah, to the getaway car, which has the windows rolled up for some reason. I don't remember that. To the getaway car. Yeah, to the getaway car, which has the windows rolled up for some reason. And so I drop all those Bibles next to the car and I run up to the car to tell her, hey, press unlock. And she's got another 15 Bibles in her hands. And so I run those back to the car. She unlocks it.

We take off down like a quarter mile down the road to the restaurant and had some to-go order, which she was eating as we're walking out down the road to the restaurant and had had some to-go order which she was eating as we're walking out of the door of the restaurant and she's starting her car with sour cream on her face and so we go shit faced with a load of stolen bibles eating fucking scrambled egg denny's slam in one hand and trying to steer with your knees. And they were completely spread through a hatch. I may have had an open container in the car as well. Just 39 Bibles just thrown in her hatch. It almost looked like we arranged them to show them off.

Oh, I do have a photo of that. I do. So we go like 100 yards and a county cop pulls her over. Oh, I'm getting pulled over. I'm like, man, I've never been pulled over this drunk in the passenger seat even before. Such a good. So she's pretty calm. I was calm, really, because I don't know what I had to lose.

You weren't driving. I wasn't driving. You're fine. So the county cop walks up to the car and he's a really big texas looking dude of course yeah and uh rural texas and she's better at remembering this because like the first thing the guy walks up to the car and he's like what are y'all doing with all those prayer books they look like the ones from my church yeah that was the freakiest part i was like fuck dude what are we doing with 40 fucking Bibles?

I've got sour cream on my butt. 39. Not 40, 39. 40 is a felony. 39, you're good. It's a misdemeanor. It's definitely 39. Definitely 39.

Yeah. And the only thing I could think of is that I told him I worked for Gideon's because what else do you say? Why do I have 39 Bibles? Like the fucking hatch was full of Bibles. That's a lot of... It was... Where's the bell?

Right there. Oh. He told me that it was his idea that you worked for the Gideons in the story. I don't remember saying that. I didn't tell you any part of the story. Yes, you did. That's why we're doing this podcast because we forgot to include the part where you got

on the porch a minute ago. No, no. There's literally nothing else you can say to that, though. We talked on the telephone before I got home. No, no. It was Jen. Sorry. All right.

It wasn't your lie. I take that back. It was Jen fucking up the story, telling me. It was something about- Telling me, and then I told you. All right, it wasn't your lie. I take that back. It was Jen fucking up the story, telling me. It was something about... Telling me, and then I told you. All right, someone told me that... Chinese telephone. Yeah, yeah.

But the fact that they asked why you have all these Bibles, I thought that happened at the same time as the drug bust. When he saw them, he just wanted to know immediately, like, what the hell are you doing with all these parables? He bought that? That's right, it was you that told me, Chaley, because Chaley's like, which is the most

implausible fucking lie. Yeah, this tattooed girl with the Daisy Duke shorts works for Gideon. He totally bought it. I had my orange camo sweater on, so I think it was kind of... Yeah, that helped.

It does help. Camo helps in Texas. Oh, yeah. Well, you know what? A little bit of camo. Tatted up girl like that, you just assume, oh, Bible's rehab. Rehab, yes. 12-step.

Actually, I think I had mentioned, like, maybe I work for... And we do have a cross hanging from the mirror that we found. That's true. Wow, you guys were prepared. I've been keeping a Bible on my luggage in the backseat, just one of the Gideon Bibles in play view just for that purpose. But we had more than one that night. I think that's probably the same red flag as I support the police association.

Or an arm hanging out the trunk. Yeah. So the cop just totally he was like oh okay yeah he really believed he says you blew a stop sign which

there was no fucking stop sign there I'm not sure no there's no we went there the next day

there was no stop sign there but they just let you go shit faced oh yeah scrambled eggs

falling out of your head actually I think the first thing I said is I'm sorry I was oh I

I was eating my quesadilla I'm sorry I was... Oh, I was eating my quesadilla. I'm sorry I blew that stop sign. Maybe. Enjoying my quesadilla. How about not even a giveaway? Maybe we upper echelon these Bibles to even higher prices because these Bibles will get you out of a blatant DUI.

We also need money for fines if I can work out a deal. Oh, Jesus. $295. Yeah, if I can work out a trade. Oh, Jesus, we always do that. It's $295. Yeah, if we can figure out eBay. Maybe we do the Derek Defense Fund of stolen Jesus Church outside the campground. I'm bored. I'm so bored I might actually read this book, Bibles. Might learn Spanish.

I think I was so calm because that was it. Yeah, they're in Spanish. A lot of them Might learn Spanish. I think I was so calm because I... They're in Spanish. A lot of them are in Spanish. The third day in a row we got pulled over or almost arrested. It wasn't the third day in a row. It was the second day in a row. Don't worry. This is the end of the podcast. But then the next day is when we got detained.

It's just a postponed end of the podcast. You notice the absence of chad shank in this podcast all of a sudden there's no chad shank yeah we weren't going to try to fake the edit this is two days later and i it was beautiful to see you uh you uh going back to uh la and she goes shit i have to go back through te. And you go, you said you're going to LA. Well, no, because I'm going to not bartend to Africa, then Asia and then swing around Hawaii. I'll be in Hawaii. I got pulled over on my way to Hawaii from Texas.

Heading to LA. I know, I know. My car died in a puddle. That's an ocean, lady. You can't go that way. They said I could go around it. Is this soda water? No.

It's not. It's ocean water, lady. All right. I want to, now that I have some time off, kind of, eventually, I have to film a special, finish the edits on the book, and do some photo shoots and B-roll, and then go to Africa for going to Cape Town. If you're in Cape Town, find us in the first week of December. Chad Shank will fill in that week. Guest hosting when we go to Africa for no reason to sit in a bar for five days and say we went to Africa.

Are you going to do a show? No. You're not even going to do like an impromptu? No. Okay. If I do, I wouldn't say it because I would be doing it illegally. Follow me on Twitter at Doug Stanhope and look for subtle hints. And that's it.

Hopefully we'll see you. I don't know when this comes out. It'll come out before the taping November 21st, taping the live special here in Bisbee. Only very limited tickets. We're going to keep it very small. So yeah, road trip out and thank you,

Bree. Enjoy your drive home to LA through Texas to do whatever you say you do. And Derek will be just sitting there like Ichabod at the gate to see if you stop the car and make eye contact and go, Just come with me, baby. And you won't. And then we're going to mock him all day long. All day long. Bria, I have a question.

Are you going to L.A. to apply for a job as a bartender or another job that you're grossly underskilled for? Phlebotomist? I can phlebotomize. Where's the phlebotomist? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm ready to ist it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm ready to ist it. I don't know.

I don't know. You don't know. I'm going to get drunk for a few days and then go take some photos. Realistically. Yeah. L.A. outhouse is a very rare commodity. The L.A. outhouse. She has to get a driver's license.

You know how Andy Gump outside of a fucking concert. Construction site. Port-a-potty. You should just take pictures of the inside of a port-a-potty. Just, yeah, right down the hole. That's pretty much what I do. Go to a fucking burning man and just... All right.

I got the morning giggles. Let's close this and then keep talking and see what we do. Let's do another podcast accidentally for the vault. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Brought to you by Miners and Merchants, Bisbee, Arizona. Get your antique stuff while you're in town. Stalking Doug, just put it in your van and take it home.

And that was our feeble house boy, Reverend Derek. Now back to the podcast already failing. I don't want to start talking again when we have the fucking giggles. This is a podcast that will be all sorts of fucked up, because we're starting it after we kind of did a half of one and then had a whole bunch of fun and want to talk about it, and then we'll go to break and we'll go back to where we used to be.

And then we'll wrap it up with a piece after that. That works. Right. I guess whatever you said off to listen. Well, we had to close out the Derek and Bree podcast as she's walking out the door, leaving Derek behind heartbroken. Who knows where she's off to uh i guess where we left it she was going

from arizona to la through texas through texas and uh as she's her first stop should be a map store yeah they were still in the background when we started this podcast that will now be the middle of this podcast because we kept talking. We were having so much fun morning drunk. Morning drunk is a whole different animal still than day drunk. Morning drunk is really good. It happens best when you

wake up and you're still drunk, but it's sunlight, so you think, I can drive. This is totally legal. I just slept for five hours. How could I possibly? So yeah, I did that, and I went to Safeway, and then we did that wrap-up part.

Part two. Should we just go into that now, like segue into? Do whatever you want. They were leaving. Then we're just rambling, and I was having fun, and I go, this is going to go nowhere. but we just kept talking into microphones the hangover history yes hangover history that'll be an easter egg in another episode somewhere so yeah we gotta cut some commercials anyway so let's uh take a break and here's a commercial that we just came up with later Holiday special. Yes, holiday special.

The boss went out of town and Chaley went crazy. You fucking Tracy and Chaley are leaving us alone for like three weeks or something. And then you come back and then you leave for another three weeks or so. No, we're leaving for 10 days, at which time we'll still take orders. But then we leave in December because we have family. And we go visit them during the holidays. Alright, well the Chalys have left me high and dry.

Merch orders stop on December 13th. So you have enough time to get your merch order in for yourself for Christmas. Because you don't buy my shit for someone else. Not off the podcast. It's not like your wife is listening to the podcast going, oh, what can I get him that's on sale?

You have a, what do you have? What's your special, Chaley? What's your merchandise? Well, we've got the new Funhaus Fanatics football patch. Yep. And we're going to throw that in with a sticker pack and a t-shirt. Whatever t-shirt you want.

We'll set it up that way. All right. What t-shirts do we have? We have the podcast t-shirts. We have the Killer Termites. You still have UK t-shirt you want. We'll set it up that way. All right. What t-shirts do we have? We have the podcast t-shirts. We have the Killer Termites. You still have UK t-shirts? No, we've got plenty of UK t-shirts. Fucking UK t-shirts.

Get them over here. Because, you know, most Americans don't even have a passport. They'll never go anywhere. They'll go to the Cape. They'll go to fucking Smudging Island. Smudging Island? Yeah, somewhere right near where they go

that has a fucking pond just just that far out of international waters yeah they'll never fucking go to the UK so get a UK poster

and a UK t-shirt I love that idea yeah and then say oh yeah I saw them in Copenhagen yeah frame a fucking UK poster

and look worldly in front of fat girls that you meet at fucking Comic-Con. We'll have a holiday special available at DougStanhope.com. Yeah, the way I'm losing my mind and my body's falling apart. Yeah, it should be worth money pretty soon. You'll sell a T-shirt for double the price

once I die soon. And you say, Oh, I ordered that because of this commercial where I pretended to be at the UK. Help Chaley help himself. I'm Doug Stanhope. And I approved of this commercial.

That works. That wasn't as bad as I thought. Yeah, no, I just wanted the Gideon's Bible. I thought that was all one story, and I completely forgot. I forgot we even spoke about the fucking Border Patrol. Yeah, briefly remember that. We did that? We talked about the almost arrest.

Well, she didn't really talk. No. That was, you know, this is intimidating. That's what you did the whole time. Yeah, I imagine. Don't worry, we carried that. Yeah. At your that. Yeah. At your expense.

I think I really want to listen to that one. Yeah, that's the one I can't wait to edit. Or don't, or not edit. No, I mean just because I run through it and take show notes. It has romance, intrigue, adventure, action, all that. I was thinking more about the laughs. And the three of us just busting your balls relentlessly. Both of you equally.

I think we spread it out between two camps. Yeah, yeah. But I'm used to getting that. You're going to have one more drink. You know you're going to stay. I'm not trying to talk you into it. This was a black pussies thing. They were supposed to leave at noon, and they left at 10 o'clock that night.

What are you going to get fired from your non-job? Yeah. The outhouse closed. It was here when I checked. Where did it go? They pulled it out on Tuesday. She's following a carnival, taking a

picture of this same fucking Andy company. I stole that from Phil Hendry. It is good material. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Doug Stanhope Friday morning podcast. Made everyone wake up to keep drinking.

My friend Greg Chaley is with me. And what are you drinking this morning, Greg Chaley? Coffee. Coffee. Coffee and a little half and half. All right. This is the first Doug Stanhope one-minute podcast. Thanks for listening. Don't Coffee and a little half and half. Alright. This is the first Doug Stanhope One Minute Podcast. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to buy

merchandise. I stayed up watching Turner Classic movies all night. Oh, yeah. I want to watch that fucking documentary, The Goose Kirk. I didn't want to do it when I was drunk. Oh, yeah. Hey, Bree, is your account still on here?

Your Amazon and your Netflix? Yeah. All right. No, that's cool. No, no. We'll watch it when they leave. I have no idea what you're talking about.

They put her account up there for the movies. Oh, on the TV. All right. What movies did you watch? Was it like... D you watch? Dead Snow. Dead Snow. Fucking shittiest horror movies ever.

No, Dead Snow is a good one. Trick or Treat. Yeah, Trick or Treat. And Trick or Treat, which was a reference fight. That was a recommendation from Chad Chang. It was good. That was a good one.

Dead Snow was zombie Nazis. That was a recommendation from Chad Chang. It was good. That was a good one. Dead Snow was zombie Nazis. That was good. There was one that, oh, that's Surf Nazis Must Die. That was, yeah. Troma. Yeah, there's the band that I roadied for. They have a song in that. And we went to the premiere.

Roadie, you life sherpered. I life sherpered. We went to the premiere, the whole band, and my brother and I, we go there. Oh, awesome. And there's like the credits. Well, the song's in it. Get drunk, get wasted, right? Yeah.

And at the end, the guy goes, oh, yeah, by the way, we couldn't put your credit in the thing. What? You couldn't put us in the titling? There's catering is listed in this thing, but not someone who used their song? That's fucking bullshit. But it is. It's still for sale. Greg Chaley fucked over at every turn in his life.

I've reached. I don't say I get. One day he thinks he can sleep in after a long night of Turner classic movies. And the next thing you know, he's podcasting and remembering the time he got fucked out of a credit. Well, I wouldn't have gotten credit. Uh-oh. Have you seen that movie, Served Nazis Must Die? Yeah, back when you watch shit like that when you're fucking 19 or 22 or something.

It's pretty bad. It's terrible. But we loved it. Yeah. For that reason. I don't remember being young and joyful. All right. that reason. I don't remember being young and joyful. Alright. Let's just have the Ichabod

segment of the podcast. Let's give him his own segment. Yeah. See, this is what the back of my car looked like. This is why I was scared. And there's a toilet paper roll that I stole from an outhouse.

Yeah. Nice. and there's a toilet paper roll that I stole fucking outhouse nice just thrown about it's a stack of stolen Bibles in her trunk what are you doing with all those prayer books I'm sure the fact that he called them prayer books instead of Bibles and that his name was on one of the covers actually legitimized the story

when she said the cop said prayer books instead of Bibles. And that his name was on one of the covers. Actually legitimized the story. When she said the cops said prayer books, I go, all right, that's a true story. I didn't have to hit the bell on that one. But the way they're packed back there, it looks like there was a getaway, not a, hey, be sure to distribute these. Get all. The exploding blue tablet goes off

when you open the Bible. It coats you with ink. Go to ink. An ink pack. What do we got? Mail call. Bingo. Bingo. Who's this bingo?

I don't know anything about bingo. You should get a Lois Bullock ringtone. Bingo? What bingo? I of cult ringtone bingo what bingo I don't know any bingo I posted that one no I'm saying that's a great ringtone lowest bowl of cult doing the bingo phone call

whatever happened to that guy that was doing the best of I knew it the guy in like Bolivia or some shit that was doing compilations of the best of. He's still doing them. Is he? Yeah. Good. I need to post them on your YouTube channel. But yeah, he does a good

job. I love his intro. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. I love that. Yeah, Gabriel in Bolivia. Brazil, probably. South America somewhere. Yeah.

I should know. Yeah. I said, you know what? I say a lot of things on the podcast I don't remember, but I know that the listeners will rewrite what I said. You said you wanted to do a show in South America. I don't think I said that. I said I think I want to go to South America because it's the only continent other than Antarctica. I never said you wanted to do a show in South America. I don't think I said that. I said I think I want to go to South America

because it's the only continent other than Antarctica. I never said I wanted to. I can say, yeah, I was thinking about doing this. You said on a podcast that you were looking for someone to help you. No, I said I was going to go to the store and get cigarettes. You said on a podcast you needed someone to go to the store to get cigarettes for you. Can I stay at your place? i never said any of this is that i know this is not going anywhere i hate that i hate that we

can have you been to south america you've been to central america yeah never been to south america yeah i just i just need to hit an airport and get the fuck out just to say i went you should go down to that to antarctica well I went. You should go down to... You can't do that to Antarctica. Well, you can because you can go down to... Not on Delta. Not on Delta. I need miles. You can get down to the tip of South America, Tierra del Fuego,

and then you can take a boat from there to... They'll go to Antarctica. Yeah, I've read fucking Shackleton's problems with that boat ride. I'm not doing that. Yeah, I've read fucking Shackleton's problems with that boat ride. I'm not doing that. I ain't eating seal blubber for 18 months and missing World War I. Not me.

Not this kid. I learned from other people's mistakes. Ernie made it back. The endurance. That's what I was looking for. What was Darwin's? The Beagle? Yeah, yeah.

That's confusing Darwin and Shackleton for a moment. In my early morning haze, I confused Shackleton's ship for the great Charles Darwin. My faux pas. Oh, the hate mail that we will receive. Episode 109, I believe you said. Never Lost Man. 18 months in 1914 to 16, I believe. Shackleton. And I think it was 29 men

fucking stuck in Antarctica taking life rafts to one island leaving the men there and then going with a small crew to get to the only fucking island that has a fishing village station as any civilization it was Elephant Island I think

but he landed on the wrong he was dead reckoning to get there he landed on the wrong side and had to then climb the mountain the movie alive that was like pussy well i mean you just came back from europe where you really showered very little for five weeks these guys were in the same underpants for two years yeah and not only did none of them die they the the the one team that leaves the rest behind on that one island where they're just eating fucking seagulls and penguins.

Yeah. Seal blubber. If you can get it or a fucking occasional seagull or sticks. But none of them died. And when they get the fucking rescue ship to come back, they don't ever think they're seeing Shackleton again. Yeah. And they all come racing out. come back they don't ever think they're seeing shackleton again yeah and they all come racing out and the first thing that they asked for cigarettes before food 18 fucking months of

antarctic snowbound they ate their fucking dogs at some point a long time ago yeah a long time ago remember that dog i can't wait to get back home and get some dog but well fucking do you have any mulberry lights oh are those menthols exactly i was going there too it's all right it's all right i'll just how long i'll just eat the dog thanks for rescuing me but not a menthol wait a minute how long to the to the whaling station elephant island yeah we'll wait. I want to cut this in somewhere. Just throw this out as episode 101.2 bullshit morning drunk dialogue. No, it's hangover history with Doug. history with doug i did see the uh actual glass plate photographs because the the official photographer on the endurance he saved that shit packed them all the way back and they did it at

the burke museum in seattle that's optimism yeah fuck yeah 18 fucking months stuck in Antarctica in 1914. And they probably have, like, you know, leather sheaths for shoes. This is glass. It's heavy. These things are, that's what they used to do it on, was they'd take the, like, the big box thing with the hood and everything. Yeah, and the pictures that he took of the Endurance, you got up, he climbed up on the main mast and took pictures down of the crew as they're, you know, offloading from the ship and everything.

Yeah, it was pretty amazing. Yeah, and the fact that he kept that. That's a hoarder right there. No, I did my things. I got to get my stuff. Fuck this stuff. These are worth something. Actually, you're right.

They are. Eventually. One time. Yeah, a lot of those guys just went right off the fucking rescue ship after an unbelievable and right into World War I and got killed. Or went home and found out that their families had moved on. Like, we had a funeral for you. Well, back then, just taking the trip you assume i might

probably not ever see you again because no one's ever done what we're about to do we're going to try to find the south pole so i'll probably be dead so uh but yeah keep my shit here just in case look at my storage is paid up for like eight months yeah well the first come back uh yeah keep uh some graduation pictures of the kid we just had keep some pictures of the kid you're gonna have oh you're pregnant i'm going to the South Pole. Fuck off. Sorry, get a job. Someone's going to feed the baby. Where are you

sending the checks? What? Mail? Why do you always have to go to the South Pole every time I'm pregnant? Why do you have to keep getting pregnant? I don't think you're really going to the South Pole. I think you're going to RJ's house.

How come you're walking up North Avenue? With a six pack of beer. You're going to the South Pole and all you have is a six pack of beer. You're going over to RJ's house to watch the footy. There's no TV, of course. RJ lives by the stadium. They didn't have a stadium. It was a field. But they thought it was a stadium.

It was a stadium to them. That's why he got the place. Because from the balcony, you can actually see one of the goals. Not really a balcony. It's the roof. Yeah. And it's got a fucking mortar round in it. Look in. Silliest podcast ever.

Unairable footage. I love it. Anyone else want to say something for the fucking archives no don't we have notes of stuff oh you want to put that in a real podcast huh uh you had the uh alcoholic angel and you had fourth world oh yeah The alcoholic angel. That was the guy I was trying to talk about on the UK wrap up. It was a guy in Amsterdam. Somehow you didn't get to it in the three hours we fucking recorded the other night. I think it was more than that.

Yeah, it was a guy that was sitting. There's a piano beside the stage at the Amsterdam Toomlers Comedy Club. Toomlers is a small like uh basement yeah venue it's not one of the not like the o2 venues you were doing with 3 000 people yeah it was fun yeah uh that's where we went back in 2005 i think it's like seats a buck 25 it'll be basically like what we're filming here that size of a show so it's fun and uh and i ordered a drink and over there they give you the measured shot in a tall glass and uh and then you want a vodka soda they know what soda is over there even though it's a second language they know what soda is and they give you a bottle of soda separately so they can double bang you.

They charge you for the mixer and the shot. You fucking assholes. So I get the. It's like a la carte. Yeah. At this point, I have my stool is full of glasses. It's like just what we cleaned up on this bar from last night on my own stool. So I'm just I pour the soda into my own glass because i travel with my own glass

don't drink out of a tall glass because i like a short cocktail straw and i'm just fucking drinking the soda water as i talk for the next 10 minutes after making a production about get me a fucking drink and then this guy sitting stage right gets my attention and says, the vodka is in the other glass. I've been drinking straight club soda this whole time after bitching about getting a drink, and I went, you're my alcoholic angel. Can anyone else see you here?

Are you just part of my imagination? I love you, alcoholic angel. It was long enough into the tour. It could have been a hallucination. Yeah, felt like it. So they give you the little shots like they do in Canada and then some cheap places where the owners don't trust the employees. Everywhere in the fucking world.

That's why I turned against my own anti-American instincts and iconoclastic. No, that's not the right word. I'm a naysayer. What do you call that? What's the word for a guy like me, Tracy? I'm a, what do you call that? What's the word for a guy like me, Tracy?

Well, if everyone says this, I'm going to say the other thing. It's a big word. No, it's a small word, actually. Naysayer? No, it's a fucking, not a skeptic, but it's a goddamn. Contrarian. Yeah, that'll work. Contrarian yeah that'll work contrarian but yeah when i realized how easy it

is to be a drunk over here for cheap and next to nothing with our big gulps and our fucking super seismies free pours yeah yeah yeah you you go wow that was really17 for one measured shot? And you have to pay for it at clubs? You don't get free fucking drinks. Actually, Toomlers, yes. The comedy club, but theaters? No, we had to plastic bottle, sneak them in like we do sometimes. Oh, you have to buy drinks from the house because there's laws and stuff.

Yeah, there's no fucking laws in the green room. Show me the fucking laws. But it's just easier. There is a law, but it's a green room. Yeah. It's not like, oh, yeah, a lot of times the fucking alcohol bureau comes to the green room to make sure you purchase that vodka at this. Fuck you. It's like diplomatic plates on your town car. I have a diplomatic plate in my head.

You can't cite me. It's a Becker joke. I don't pay taxes. I have a diplomatic plate in my head. When I first met Becker, it was one of his lines at a store. Becker would go into

a store, like a 7-E, Becker would go into a store, like a seven 11 back before they had like, they had to do math. Yeah. Before the computer did it for you. Yeah. You have to type in the amount. Yeah.

So it would be $3 and 89 cents. So he'd give him $4 and 7 cents like he's making exact change that is not exact and just watch their faces curl and contort it was so much fun i'm pretty sure he's still doing that i'm sure he is well no because now they just you know if they type in 389 and then what you paid for and then it'll say 17 cents. Back then, they actually had to do the fucking math. It still works. They're still hiring the same people.

Doesn't matter. Yeah, no, but the computer would tell them. They wouldn't have to do the math anymore, which stinks. I'm trying to remember. It was one that i used forever a becker joke yeah a becker line that you would always use with a waitress or something or a hostess i can't remember let's just kill this podcast these people have to leave right i mean i'm throwing them out i don't want to do it on the air. That would be rude.

Here, I'll just turn the bars closed. Red lights on. Red lights on. Sorry, it's against the law to serve anymore in here. I'm guessing that Michelob light sign I bought at the yard sale at 7 o'clock in the morning doesn't work because it was $4. That's pretty sweet. I was in at that. Yeah, but it's $4, which means it doesn't work.

It's our neighbor. We had to buy some shit. I bet you $5 it works. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Trash. Wait, don't plug it in yet. Taking that bet? Oh, yeah.

I'll take it. If you have $5, it doesn't work. I'll fucking make my money back and some. Ah, goddammit. Now it's a $9 Michelob-like sign. I'll sell make my money back and some. God damn it. Now it's a $9 Michelob light time. I'll sell it on eBay for $100 to a psycho fan. In your long johns? Oh, you have pants.

Yeah, I have pants. Thank you, sir. Fucking pant it up, Chris. Pant it up, Chris. All right. Still have notes from the last podcast. Want to do the last podcast again? Did you buy anything else we could bet on?

That'd be a fun podcast to do. It's the same podcast, but the exact same story. And never say, I don't know if I already told this story. Just act like you haven't told any of this before and just put them out back to back yeah yeah different titles you already said this podcast different episode number i said this whole podcast just have all the notes from the just take a beat sheet from the podcast and bullet points every bullet point down well i don't remember doing that podcast.

Because we have done that. We just haven't released the first one. We've got plenty of those. Someone hit me up again about the Manson tapes. I'm like, listen, I know it's tempting, but there's really, it's not interesting. If we could get one fan that would come and stay with me and just go through all the Marilyn Manson four hours of rambling nonsense podcast and edit that,

I'd love to just put you up and pay you a healthy wage and have you as a... We could have Gabriel do it. I was kidding. Oh. No, this is what a fan would say. Didn't you say you wanted someone to come down no I never said that I said I have to get around to it

I thought you said you wanted someone to come live in one of your trailers and be your friend and do all your things Marilyn Manson the only person who's listened to the whole thing is Laura Kimball and look what happened I riffed that several times on the UK tour.

I'm saving it for the... I need the fucking new hour, and I don't have a payoff, but that story, the Laura Kimball story fucking killed. On stage? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I just... It goes nowhere.

I found a place I could wedge it in, but I'm saving it for the next hour rather than try to force it in that was one of the most uncomfortable moments I've seen doing the shot on stage explaining what she's

oh yeah save that because maybe this will help the story for the new hour which we'll be doing on some kind of tour next year, stick around for that. If you're hearing this podcast, it's because I've passed away. I have a request. Bingo.

Get on the mic. Don't talk off the mic. You know better. I think for my birthday. There's a mic right here. Okay. For my birthday. Which birthday? This right here. Okay. For my birthday. Which birthday?

This one. You're not having a birthday this year. You're already planning. People are coming over. I thought you were trading one in so you could have a big one. That's Monday. Yeah. Birthday's Monday.

You guys should do. She kept saying, what day is the ninth? And I'm like, I don't know what day it is today. I had to write Andrew a check yesterday and I had to remember what month it was. So it's been nonstop since we got home. So my request is that you and Chad Shank do a really, like, maybe one of those 10-minute podcasts as Bingo Butter Cheeks. Entire Bingo Butter Cheeks? Dueling Butter Cheeks?

Or does Chad Shank do a skank cast? I had a good butter cheeks this morning. I can't remember what it was. I can't remember either. Some line. I was just riffing at her. I'm just waiting to see if you can do it. I can't remember what the fuck it was.

All right. Yeah, we'll do that. Hey, this was a podcast. I loved you in life, and now I'm glad to be away from you now that I'm passed away and I'm in a better place now. But there's no better place than the Funhouse Bar and Grill. Hey, buy merchandise. Did you enjoy the UK tour?

I did, kind of. The European tour? I enjoyed almost all of those shows except for the two that I remember hating. And that was just because of me. Wasn't you except for Sheffield. But what do we have? I don't know what we have for merch. Wait a minute.

What did you really like about the UK tour? Not selling merchandise would be the best part. Running out the back door. We, it's, you play a theater like that and people are like, I can't come out and fucking take selfies with 3,300 fucking people. Yeah.

And all y'all want to tell me a story and they're always sad because that's what I attract and that's what I promote. And that's what I enjoy. As you'll find out when you hear how this, this morning ended, nothing makes me that that's the I enjoy. As you'll find out when you hear how this morning ended. Nothing makes me laugh. That's the title of this. Nothing makes me laugh harder than a girl leaving crying.

I think I gave away the end of how this ends up. It's a tease. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. No, this is a commercial. Remember? This is not part of the podcast at all. We're making this up.

Yeah, there's still merchandise left over that you can buy online. You can only buy it online. So if you want to, what do you have? What are you trying to get rid of, Jaylee? We've got the UK shirts in black and Laundry Day purple. Oh, shit. I haven't even seen those. Yeah.

And then the... i'd wear a laundry day purple shirt if i uh didn't have my name on it be a little rude and then the the uk posters which were already in our second run of those i tell you that uh two different times in this town in 10 years one one specifically i saw a guy at safeway wearing a doug stanhope t-shirt and hey and he's in the line behind us and i go hey and he's just like well well fucking weirdo that's me on and he's what he goes on your shirt he goes i get this at the thrift store. Bingo is there for that. She can. Where's bingo?

Who's this bingo? What bingo? Where is she? So, yeah, go to Doug Stanhope dot com. Get yourself some shit. It keeps Chaley in business. It fucking just say it. Chaley needs money because I don't work the fucking road in the US.

Then that's his job as tour manager. And I haven't done it in over a year. So it's this podcast and your merchandise selections that keep him alive here in Bisbee and keep this podcast going because I wouldn't do this by myself. I can't Bill Burritt. I can't sit around and talk to myself like a crazy person. I can't Bill Burr it. I can't sit around and talk to myself like a crazy person. We also have the new patches, the Funhouse Football Fanatic patches. Yeah, for a limited time only.

Limited time. Because you bought them for us, but it was cheaper to get 300 than 26. We got these stupid jackets. We already told them this story. I think they know about the jackets, but yeah. Well, yeah. Anyway, we went to the Salvation Army, the thrift store over in Sierra Vista, and they had 26 bright red Marriott valet jackets. So the four of us, me and Chaley and our ladies, ladies ran to the rack, started trying to find our sizes like they had them like we had to block someone from grabbing them yeah that's exactly how i feel we were like like looking around like is anyone

else see this yet like it is such a deal well i remember that there was the tour with uh brett erickson and jeff tate where uh we all hit the thrift store. And I remember like trying to get out of the car first to get to the coat rack, even though they're not my size, like trying to beat them to the coolest coats. And I remember you made the mistake. We were driving through Wisconsin and we were out in some area heading to somewhere else and then all of a sudden there's a Savers or something and it's during October. And you did the thing where you beelined for the sport coat

rack and I kind of just whistled like moseyed over to the Halloween section and those that's where they put all those fucking hobo jackets and nerd coats yeah disco guy disco guy suit

that's just a suit. That's a Shaley suit. That's the fucking worst about Halloween is wearing those suits. And they think you're dressed up for Halloween. And you go, no, I fucking wear this shit all the time. We went down to meet the Congressman Gino on a Friday night in downtown Bisbee. And there was a it was the week before Halloween. And they had blocked off the street in front of the Grand, and there was a party there, like a street party,

and it was a costume and everything. And we don't know. We're just dressed up to go out and have a drink, and then now we're standing in the quarry waiting for the band to start, and people kept coming up and going, so what are you supposed to be? And I didn't get it, but it was – Don't understand, Hope.

They're like, what did he say? He goes, oh, I get it. He looks at my hair and he goes, Edward Scissorhands. I'm like, but I'm wearing a fucking blazer and some fucking funky pants. Edward Scissorhands. What the fuck is that? Yeah, they couldn't quite figure out what we were going to be. But if they were here this weekend, they'd see that we were wearing the same outfit.

Yeah. But you could be wearing a Doug Stanoff t-shirt. Go to DougStanoff.com. There's a commercial. Now back into what we're segwaying back into was the riffraff. And then we'll come back and explain what happened after that. This is the following nonsense. Please hold.

Oh, shit. This is getting close. November 21st. Come to Bisbee, Arizona, and be part of the exclusive live taping of my new special, tentatively titled. Working title. No, I think we're pretty much settled on it, unless they come up with something better. No Place Like Home.

Oh. We're doing, I'm taking a, it might be like the Oslo mistake I put out, except the material is ready, unlike Oslo, where it was fucking new material. I'm trying to yeah no place like home we're taping it november 21st 2015 at the bisbee royale go to the website for tickets if there's any left because you know we tape this shit ahead of time and i'm hoping

that you road trippers will sell the fucking thing out because i don't want to play to just locals because they think they all hate me. So yeah, come to that, dougstanhope.com. All right, so that's where we left it. As we're rambling about Ernest Shackleton and the Beagle and the et cetera's and the drunken history. Fun house history. What did you call it? Hangover history.

Yeah. Hangover history. Yeah, I guess it's drunk now. It was kind of drunk into let's just keep going. Now I've had the fucking fucking giggles so hard because what happened we're we're talking and derrick and his girl are kind of muddling around trying to leave kind of dragging their well yeah they were listening to us because we're kind of podcast derrick always drags his feet yeah he drags out one leg all the time. Yeah. So as they're doing this awkward goodbye,

we start playing songs that are really sad. The saddest songs ever. Chaley's just DJing this. They're sitting there. I go, wait, hang on. Derek has a song he wants to play for Brie or vice versa. It's Please Come to Boston by Dave Loggins. Yeah, that's the first one.

If you don't know Please Come to Boston, it's the saddest song. Hey, rambling boy, why don't you settle down? Well, yeah, it's because she's leaving for L.A. So it has that verse of please come to L.A. to live forever. So we're playing this sad song, and she starts actually crying. So we go, Let's pile on. Because you love crying women. There was the next one.

Do you remember the next one? She has the playlist, yeah. Oh, good. Do you remember the next one playlist yeah oh good do you remember the next one yeah she's gone by all notes but you but you were over there on one end of the bar and i'm on this end of the bar and halfway through the song that's playing you're mouthing to me either a title of a song or a group and then i would i would be able to pick it out and then i then i'm watching you and you i just see your face light up when you think of another song.

Keep her crying. We went to Air Supply. Air Supply. I'm all out of love. All out of love. Then I took a chance here with Styx, Lady. Lady, yeah. That was for the first, but then it gets upbeat.

So we killed that and went to total eclipse of the heart. Very good. Yeah. And then everyone, she's fucking crying. She's like, why are you? And she's crying harder. And Derek's slow dancing with her. In the photos.

And we're in hysterics. The more she's crying, the more we break down. And we have to find a new song. Harry Nilsson, Without You. Yeah. How does that one go? I don't even know. I can't remember it.

I looked up on Google saddest songs of the 70s and that was like number two. So I go, I don't even know this song, but I know this song. You would recognize it if you heard it. Yeah. Well, we just heard it. I just can't remember because we fucking piled on so heavily. Then we did Total Eclipse of the Heart by the Dan Band because you like that. Yeah, that's from old school.

And then All By Myself by Eric Carman. All by myself. Then they went to pack finally. She's like, all right, I've had enough of the crying. And we called her back in for. Ruby, don't take your love to town. That's why back in for. Ruby, don't take your love to town. That's why she was packing. Ruby, don't take your love to town.

And then I'm not in love by 10 CC. Yeah. I'm not in love. And then you had a great one. Loggins and Messina. Yeah. That was a Danny song. Yeah.

What's the line? Even though I ain't got money, I'm so in love with you, honey, everything. And get her to cry one more time. And then on her way out. The best. Kiss. Beth. But we change it to Brie.

We're yelling this. We're singing the lyrics as she's packing her car out on the street from the funhouse. But we were only listening. I hear you calling. We were only listening in the, in the fun house because of the solo speakers in here, but it's a wireless system. So when they went outside to go smoke,

I put it outside. So they, the neighborhood can hear Derek hasn't come back. Not yet. No, he hasn't come back yet. We were like

the longer it went on the more we're just like like children at summer camp crying laughing at her crying and she finally walked out

in tears and I go nothing makes me laugh harder than a girl walking out crying it was just you try to make me cry. You love it when I cry.

When you cry, it's so adorable. You love it when I cry. Because you cry like a little kid. But I do it to myself. Why are you laughing at my crying? Because it's funny. See, now you're laughing at him laughing at you crying. Oh, this will pass.

Yeah. Now you're laughing at him laughing at you crying. Oh, this will pass. Yeah. She's going to have all out of love by air supply in her head for a nine and a half hour drive. Hour drive, yes. And I know that because I told her that. I said all out of love is going to be in your head for a nine and a half hour desolate drive through the desert to L.A. If that's really where she's going.

Wherever she's going. But whichever direction you go out of Bisbee is a long desolate desert drive forever. So yeah. I'm all out of... That was really fun. What do you think Derek? Did he just... He might have just

gotten in with his sweatpants on and just gone. Yeah, he was giving her the big several hugs goodbye with his fucking goofy dollar store sweatpants on. Yeah. What a fucking great morning.

Not even noon. Drinking red beer. I got shit to do. I got a stack of bills I set in there when I get home. It's been days. Fuck them. I think I don't have... I have no health insurance anymore.

That's November 1st. I missed that. It's our Friday. You can do that on Monday. It is our Friday. It's Friday. Yeah. Bar's open. It is. Oh on Monday. It is our Friday. It's Friday. Yeah. Bar's open.

It is. Oh, yeah. You changed the light. You guys haven't even eaten yet. No, I had some kale chips and a couple of those Fruit Loop gummies. Oh, yeah. Bingo's sister sent us a box. Thank you, Kelly, who doesn't listen to the podcast. She was on the podcast where we broadcasted from bed. Oh, yeah.ingo's sister sent us a box thank you kelly who doesn't listen to the podcast

she was on the podcast where we we broadcasted from bed oh yeah she's been on it even our guests don't don't listen to the fucking podcast well i like to i like to let people know that they can go back and grab some of the older ones and kind of catch up on some of the the cast of characters chad shank was so happy to be here last night for football because he didn't have to do a podcast. Chad Shank, he's changed. He shows up two days in a row. That's fucking unheard of. Never happened before.

I forget Joby's in town. Yeah, he's back, and he's hiding out. He said he'd definitely be here today, which, oh, fuck. Be perfect right now. Yeah, be perfect right now, but'd be he'd have to he's four beers behind yeah that's quick yeah you can fix that quick yeah so yeah he's obviously under some strain so uh but he said i swear to god i'll be there this weekend i i mean it but i i had to hire lay low yeah i don't know what kind of shit he's dealing with living out in fucking Oklahoma.

And there's no good celebrity deaths recently. Oh, no. Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson. Senator in Law and Order. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you just broke Tracy's heart. This is how you have to find out.

He ran for president. Fred Thompson's dead, and this is how you find out live during a podcast oh if you can cry if you can leave crying we can close this whole podcast out but yeah the whole celebrity death pool thing has hit a lull there's no big strikes no i think you're just i think you just think there's no big strikes. No, my phone rings. Oh, really? Yeah, when someone big dies. Who's bigger than Fred Thompson?

Al Molina? Al from Happy Days? Did you know this, Tracy? Yeah, Big Al died. Oh, wow. Jesus Christ, who's next? Is that the Japanese guy that took over? Yeah. Is he dead?

Mr. Miyagi's dead? Really? I don't know this. Don't spread scurrilous rumors on my podcast. Pat Morita. Pat Morita. Pat Morita. I think he is dead.

I was just noticing how incredibly racist that... Yes. Side of the room? No, no. Yeah. I'll just. That's what I was laughing at last before we decided to podcast. That's a very racist sign.

The Jim Ed's Blackberry Punch. It's a collectible. Yeah. And then I doubled down. Now that one is. It's an actual product that existed called picking any freeze so i found that vintage sign and it's shawnee's fault because uh i don't know how whatever conversation we had about some racist thing oh shawnee our colored friend semi-colored colored enough

was talking about how something used to be called nigger toes oh Brazil nuts and they still are well that's what he was saying and so I go look it up online and then we're on eBay seeing if they have like a sign for that and that's

where I found pick and any freeze sign a sign for that. And that's where I found picking any freeze sign. He pointed it out. I go, I'm buying it. I think I saw a movie where that was like, you know, in the old days when the grocer had a stand out in front of apples and oranges and assorted nuts. I think there was a sign that was advertising Brazil nuts,

but in the local term. The colloquialism? Yes. We just said, did I say colloquialism right twice? I better have another drink. All right, thank you for listening, and here is Mishka Shabali. Don't cut your hair.

The potato peelings in the sink did not turn into vodka as i had hoped i only start to need a drink after the liquor stores are closed of clothes You left a bunch of dirty Kleenex underneath the mattress like an unwanted batch of kittens Everybody's got secrets and I've forgotten but I don't mistake it for

forgiving I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end La la la A woman on crutches buying a pregnancy test It's Safeway, the woman at the laundromat can't meet my eyes. Girls at the bus stop,

the stripper downstairs know some of the girls in some of the movies that I watch sometimes. A woman calling on the telephone, losing patience. Her voice sounds like whiskey and milk. No, I can't pay the bill, but please call back. I got to know that you're all right. I heard you changed your name again. Darling, don't you change your hair? Don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end La la la I heard you changed your name again

Darling Don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end La la la