The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #114: Refreshed Out Of Africa

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

This podcast sponsored by Audible.com. Sign up for your FREE 30-Day trial at AudiblePodcast.com/DougStanhope Doug and Bingo return from their stupid trip to Cape Town, South Africa. Chad Shank and Chaille get all the details. Plus, the Bisbee Observer Police Beat.Donations to Chaille can be sent through this link (here.) and are always appreciated. Thank you.Recorded Dec. 10, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Chad Shank (@HDfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS - “SLINGSHOT” – SEGWAY INVENTORhttp://nflx.it/1MeajoD“BILLIONS IN CHANGE” – 5 HOUR ENERGY INVENTORhttp://bit.ly/1ZgR1JoMODERN DRUNKARD MAGAZINEhttp://www.drunkard.com/DELTA SKYCLUBhttp://bit.ly/1GKjefPMANHUNT REALITY SERIEShttp://bit.ly/1mkP67DSTANHOPE'S FUNHOUSE ON YELPhttp://bit.ly/1SYhZRrClosing Song, "The Christmas Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this podcast is actually brought to you by someone audible.com. We've talked about them before. We didn't think they'd allow us to talk about them again, but they did audible.com over 180,000 titles, and I have listened to every single one of them and none of them stink. None of them stink. Do I sound like I'm shilling right now? Does this sound believable at all? All right, here's the truth about Audible, is I should have had that on this fucking trip to Africa. I feel so fucking good from that stupid vacation. Like refreshed?

Yeah. Absolutely did nothing. We went to South Africa. Say it on the air. We're always taping. Okay, go ahead. Should we record now, Bingo? What was I thinking? You tell Shaley when.

What was I thinking, Shaley? Put your hand up when you want me to start recording. I booked that trip to Cape Town in September on a brutal, I could actually, I bet it was a Monday, whatever it was. I'm sure it was a day after a long football drinking day where that's where I book crazy trips, but I usually book them immediately. Like I got to get the fuck out of town, but I knew I had gigs and shit coming up. So I booked that at the beginning of September.

Like, all right, I can't leave now, but eventually I'm going to go to goddamn South Africa. I just booked the ticket, and then we have to do it. Was this a mile grab? Yeah. Well, it worked out. But I mean, usually... I made diamond status by taking this trip.

Usually your motivation is to grab miles, but it sounds like this was more of a depression or a warding off. The Mondays, a case of the Mondays. Yeah, I wake up depressed. I just want to get the fuck out of town. Where can I go and get miles? A win-win.

And Shaylee, this year, my first year ever, I'm how close to diamond status? You're not diamond yet. I'm going to have to buy the last 5,000 miles. I'm how close to diamond status? You're not diamond yet. I'm going to have to buy the last 5,000 miles. I'm that close to diamond status. 5,000? We could send you to Japan.

Send me anywhere. No, she's got a friend coming in on Tuesday. And then Christmas. And then Christmas she goes to her grandmother's. I'm not hearing solutions. I'm hearing excuses. Yeah, she could. I found Lima, Peru.

You can go to just a quick stop in Atlanta, then six hours to Lima. And yeah, South America is the only continent other than Antarctica that I have not hit. We'll get a fan to wear Bingo's outfit with a blue wig. That's a good documentary. Chad Shank is here. Chaley's here. Bingo's here. And our audience of stoners that won't laugh at anything because they're high as shit in the back row uh there's a one uh it's a year in the life of antarctica and the first

five minutes stink you go oh my god is this just gonna be this guy talking but it's not it's really really interesting and it made me wish that i was a better all-around comedian like i want to go to go to Antarctica and do a show just for those people stuck in that remote fucking place. There is a bar. Yeah, they have a bar, and they do stupid things like we did in the Funhouse. Now that Andrew built us a stage in here,

we can do shows in here. We taped a special in here. Back when I taped the one at the Royale on the Saturday, we taped a completely different special right here in the Funhouse. The good show. And that was the better show, just doing old shit that I never get on tape. So, yeah, they have all sorts of goofy stuff.

I would do that pro bono just for the flight over there, but everyone would hate me. I wish I was just a regular joke guy. Like if I had that B set that I could just do a corporate kind of, hey, so where are you from? A middle act. A middle act in the middle America. I don't even know if I could write those jokes

if I had to. Just get them offline. Steal them. The big fat Jew. Have him write your material. I'll just call my friends and go, just steal them. The big fat Jew, maybe have him write your material. I'll just call my friends and go, Hey, listen,

I'm playing Antarctica. I'm stealing half your act. I fucking sue me. I need horrible jokes. What did that one? Becker. I'm not even telling that story. Hey,

can he give me a set tape? I don't care when it was. It could have been six years ago or last week. Becker and I, in our early days, there was a gig that you played to people on a bus that took people from Minneapolis out to the Indian Casino. So it's like a 40-minute drive, and they hired comedians to actually do gigs on the bus to tell jokes. You have a cordless mic.

It sucked because there's- Did you ever do it? Yeah, well, we both did it just to say we worked a bus. And it sucked because the seating was like four tops. So even if you walk up and down the aisle at any given point, half the table is facing

away from you. And they're the oldest people in the world. And we walk on the bus and see the people. Becker goes, I'm going to do the first week. He's going to do the next week. It was a week? No, no, they did it once a week. Oh, okay.

So we both signed up. That's a long bus gig. A week-long bus tour. That's your seat over there. Yeah, it was a greyhound from Bangor to Santa Barbara. Hey, Santa, who was the comic that we were just talking to that did an airplane? Oh, yeah, that was on that Amsterdam Swapcast. Right, right.

Yeah, that guy actually worked first class. Standing backwards in the airplane. JJ or... I forget his name. What was his name? He's from out here. No, the guy, the Amsterdam, the host from the Amsterdam comedy podcast.

AJ was our mutual guest. But anyway, I get on and I see just the youngest person was probably 70 years old. And even if I cleaned up my jokes and didn't use curse words the the the

material the subject matter like i had columbia house record and tape jokes they don't know what that is like records you mean a wax cylinder whatever it was i'm like and i went like flop sweat just looking at them going i can can't do this, Becker. Because Becker is a joke writer. He has actual quick jokes. And I'm like, do this. I can't do this. There's nothing I have.

And he's like, no, because he knows it's way funnier to watch me die on my ass than the 75 bucks or whatever we're going to make. the 75 bucks or whatever we're gonna make so so up until the last minute when uh you know uh julie the cruise ship director that runs this fucking thing says okay we have a special treat for everyone and i'm like do this and he's like no no i'm not doing it and at the last second i leaned into him and i go keep count i'll give you five bucks for every joke of yours I steal. And I went right out and I did Becker's entire fucking act. I used to be a door-to-door doorbell salesman. That didn't work out.

All his cornball jokes. Just did all his shit. Still died. How much did you pay him? I don't know, but... Oh, he kept track. Yeah, I'm sure he did. We were going to a casino, so I'm sure

it all worked out. Yeah. All right. I didn't get that. High guy heckled. You mentioned you won a microphone over there. Oh, yeah, yeah, we get to mic the audience. I got one in storage in Seattle.

I'll bring it back when I come back. Just buy one on Amazon. But you want something to record what he just said right there? Yeah, I didn't. He said cover his markers. No, I know, but it's like you want... When you make 75 bucks on a gig, you don't have a marker at the casino.

You pretend to play nickel so you keep getting free drinks. Wait a minute. The pit boss at Baccarat didn't extend you some credit? No, not so much. That's odd. Oh, so a year in the...

This podcast is going to be all over the map because I have a billion things to talk about, but you said you had good documentaries. I watched a couple of them. One was on Netflix called Slingshot. It's about the guy who invented the Segway. Oh, have that on my list. Have them watched it.

Okay. It's good. The only reason I mentioned that one is if you want to watch it and then compare it to the one that was really good, I watched that one on YouTube. It's called Billion in Change. Billions in Change. Are you talking about Dean Kamen?

No, that's the first one. Slingshot is Dean Kamen. Yeah, okay. Yeah, and then the second one is a guy named Minoge something. He's the guy who invented five hour energy drink oh yeah oh yeah yeah he just gave like all of his like 90 percent of his he's worth his revenue goes to yeah the documentary says he's worth four billion dollars and he gives 99 of it away he's got an invention workshop with a bunch of engineers they have like bicycles that make

electricity water purifiers. It's really cool. Put it all into dentistry, because I swear that shit has to rot your teeth like meth does. It feels just... I would rather do cocaine. I would feel healthier than... One time I drank a five-hour energy, and I go, ugh, this is meth in a little tiny plastic bottle.

Any of those energy-type drinks do that to me. Just sick immediately. Red bull even. I feel like I'm coming down before I ever got high. And you feel your bone rotting. Your bone rotting, really? Yeah, it feels like it's eating the marrow out of your bones. It just feels chemically not good.

And I'm not a healthy dude. This guy's doing some bigger scale thing. If he has to fucking kill the people who buy five-hour energy drink at Circle K, so be it. I think it's a bigger picture. Bigger picture stuff, yeah. Collateral damage. Exactly.

Pretty interesting, though. Yeah. And then the difference too the the dean came in the guy from slingshot the one who had the failed segue thing his he just has water reclamation oh no it's uh yeah it's it's a little box that uh purifies water makes water a potable any kind of water yeah pond water salt water in af, it's a big thing because in a town, they might have to walk miles, whereas this little box is the difference to them being able to just get water right there. This is a box now.

Jump on a mic. The difference is that Dean Kamen is trying to get a bunch of money, I guess, for his, and the other guy is trying to give his stuff away. Why don't they just have lunch and figure it all out? I kind of wonder why they didn't get together. Two alphas. Never works. One guy is, like, Pakistani and one is Jewish,

so I don't understand all of the rivalries or if there is any. It might be an ethnic thing. I don't know. Hang on. I'm just saying, if you stand right here, if you do want. Oh, it might be an ethnic thing. I don't know. Hang on. I'm just saying, if you stand right here, if you do want to chime in, you just grab our mic. You're welcome to. Just keep it on the air.

I'm just a fly. All right. All right. Barry Crimmins. I fucked if I can remember the name of the... Call Me Lucky. Call Me Lucky. Fantastic documentary. And I've never met Barry. I can remember the name of the... Call Me Lucky. Call Me Lucky. Fantastic documentary. And I've never met Barry.

I can't wait to meet him. And I was looking forward to that documentary. And it lived up. Yeah, Call Me Lucky. Directed by Bobcat Goldthwait. They were all Boston comics. Fucking great. If you're a fan of comedy,

you'd like it just to see these other guys that you would recognize talk about a guy that they all admired yeah and were afraid of probably still afraid of yeah he was kind of a prick uh he hated cocaine that was the weird thing yeah because that drove i still say cocaine is responsible for the comedy boom and certainly it was a resurgence of cocaine there'd be a resurgence of great comedy which it's not actually not a bad era to live in stand-up comedy there's a lot of like that it for a while the 90s and early 2000s it was always the biggest people were people comics hated

all the big comedians were people that comics would cringe at oh you're just jealous no I'm not jealous that I'm not Larry the cable guy or Carrot Top who's a sweetheart but comics don't go oh Carrot Top's on let's race

into the room it was Jeff Foxworthy but comics don't go, oh, Carrot Top's on. Let's race into the room. It was Jeff Foxworthy. Dane Cook. White. Who? I think that's somebody white. The country guy.

Ron White? Ron White. Ron White was the only guy of the redneck tour that comics respected. Oh, okay. They're not that we... What is associated with it? Once again, we're having a conversation off mic. That's the noisiest fucking fly I've ever seen. Yeah, he won't be on mic.

Where's the fly swatter? How many podcasts have we done with Gene that just never made the air? Always because I was too fucked up. Two or two and a half. All right. Depending on if he was hanging around. We'll get him on eventually.

Or in the background of this. There was one other... I don't know if... What was it with the kids? Wolfpack. We talked about these ones. Okay, we did talk about that. That was the podcast that went out today.

Is that the one's what the podcast went on today. Yeah. Is that the one where all the siblings were in the same? Locked up. Yeah. That was great. I was thinking that instead of 30 days in the hole for my annual rehab, I'll do 30 days on the couch of just Netflix, just sitting there not smoking, not drinking, and watching Netflix.

We'll do our daily podcast about the good. I won't mention bad shit that I see on Netflix. I just let it go. Only positive stuff. If I sound like I'm a shill for Netflix, it's because I don't want to be a cunt and go, oh, this sucked. This sucked

shit. Then why mention it? That's really pushing the envelope for you because last time, 30 days in the hole, was no TV. And I think that you've kind of linked, like the way people link smoking and drinking or coffee and cigarettes, I think you link cigarettes

and sitting down on the couch and watching tv i know i i kind of wanted to get some exercise i didn't want to get completely fat from 30 days in the hole all right and that's an easy cop out i wanted to read books get my mind stimulated but uh i think it's easier when i watch netflix i'm it's the easiest way for me to quit smoking. I can sit on that couch for 20 hours and do nothing. But if you want to do exercise, we can hook up a treadmill that powers the TV that you can watch Netflix. Meet the Flintstones. All right, let's get to Africa, and then we'll get back to whatever else. So we booked it, and then...

Oh, someone, or a lot of different people, I don't know, send me Modern Drunkard Magazine, which is this fantastic magazine out of Denver, and it celebrates being a drunkard. It's not like cigar aficionado. No, this is for drunkards. This is not, oh, do you enjoy a glass of wine? No, this is a magazine for people who like to be shit-faced.

And so I get these bundles. And every time I do, I take them on my crazy trips. And I stock the seat back in front of me on planes. And I go to the delta sky clubs and i insinuate them into the other magazines the hotel oh wait modern drunkard really sky club carries modern drunkard so i had my satchel full of modern drunkard magazines we had an early morning flight so that means we have to go to tucson the night before and get shit faced at that hotel rather than drive out of here at 3 30 in the morning

and uh flight to atlanta quick easy then the flight from atlanta to amsterdam that's eight and a half hours but But we upgraded using miles. So that was sweet. Laying down. Yeah, yeah. Lay down. Oh, the whole little cocoon thing? Yep.

It wasn't quite the cocoon. I said, oh, so we get lay down seats? And they go, no, they're not. And I go, it's still first class. Oh, well, it was lay down seats, except your feet didn't go quite level with your head. Legally, they can't call it lay down. Yeah, it was fantastic. It was the best score.

And then we had a four-hour layover there. Whatever they fed me for breakfast on that KLM flight from Atlanta, partner. That's a Delta partner. Delta has a lot of partners that are abusive relationships. We're like, oh, you're delta diamond medallion that means you're shit on the bottom of my shoe on this airline they fed us some kind of breakfast i blame the breakfast it could have built a million things in with my lifestyle could have caused this illness but the last thing i ate was KLM breakfast before we landed. Four hour layover at the Sky Club.

And I have a bit of sickness. I call it a high floating diarrhea. Where you know it's going to be diarrhea, but it's up here. It's not yet near your asshole. So it's a mixture of nausea and waiting for the diarrhea to come. But I have four hours. So does everyone else. But I'm in a Sky Club, and so I go.

First of all, your bowel is working at all after two long flights like that. We're halfway through a 32-hour trip. Because with the downers, the Xanax and the over-the-counter sleeping pills, you're dehydrated. So it's usually four days before you can take a shit. So I'm actually excited about diarrhea. But the nausea is there. So I hit the men's room once.

I get the top spill out of me. You're in the Sky Club still, right? Yes. Yes. And Amsterdam, if you're a smoker, Delta is your airline. Again, I'm not a paid shill, but I would be in a second. Because Delta has their hubs. Atlanta still has smoking sections and a smoking

bar salt lake does amsterdam the sky club has a smoking smoking section in the sky club so you're getting free drinks and you can smoke cigarettes to it yeah inside of it they're a little like full bar uh except there's no actual bar you have have to go outside the door, pour your free drink, get your nice minestrone wedding soup. Which airport has the smoking section outside in a restaurant? The huge smoking. Fucked if I know. That was great.

I know which one you're talking about, but I can't remember what airport it was. I have no idea what country it was in. Did you guys travel in a time machine? Smoking in a restaurant? Outdoor. Okay. Outdoors. Well, even smoking outdoors at a restaurant is...

I know Hennigan was with us because I remember him meeting us there. That's when you were talking about... Okay. Anyway. So then I still feel nauseous. I haven't puked in forever. I was just bragging to Kenny right before we left that I'm not a puker. I never puke.

And it got to a point where I'm going to puke. And so I go into the Sky Club, nice full doors with a lock. No one can see that you're on your knees my white loafers facing out under this stall door and I just let loose

and then jumped up like Joey Diaz calls it the push me pull you flu where you don't know which end to aim towards the toilet there's no wastebasket in there, so you have to make rash snap decisions of which end is going to be more volatile first.

And it's so... It's vomiting itself. It's so... Did you feel immediately better after you threw up the first time? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and then I came back out. That a trick by the way yeah that's a trick your body's playing on you right yeah because it

didn't last and then i'm like all right now i know that i'm puking like this feeling's not going away so i sit down for another 30 minutes and then race back hoping there's no line. Cold sweats on my... Spin around. Like you're just starting to bend your body, and you feel it. Wrong way! Wrong way! Wrong hole!

It's a pull me! Put me on a lazy Susan. So I'm hoping I'm done, because this is the long flight we're getting on to is 11 and a half hours and i was not done only on this flight they i'm in a fucking middle seat coach so i sit down i'm physically my whole body is shaking i'm so sick and starting an 11 and a half hour flight. The flight attendants were concerned. The guy, Bingo's window seat all curled up in her ball,

her nest, and the guy next to me on the aisle is not cooperative. He's not even in the least. Again? Yeah. I'm really sorry, but I pull my puke bag out and i set it on my tray table

to try to telegraph what's going on there's a situation here sir i hope you understand i'm not won't even make eye contact at one point i had to actually wave my hand in front of you know how when someone to see if he was dead to see if someone's asleep. You wave your hand because I keep going, Sir, sir, and he's not looking. He's got his ear plugs in watching the dumb TV. That's why I travel with a mirror, to put it under their nose. And he's like, yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom. And then an airplane toilet.

He's all dribbles of piss and stuff. Just puking again and then coming back. Just full Parkinson's shakes. Going, I've got to be empty by now. Six hours of an 11 and a half hour flight. And this beautiful woman from KLM. She wasn't even in our class. She was a first class.

I was going to the first class toilet because there's no line there. Oh, first class only bullshit. I'm racing through the curtain, dashing to the john. You'll all appreciate the outcome if I get to that bathroom. Yeah.

And she's like, are you okay? You're shaking. I go, they poisoned me on the last flight. She's like, drink a warm flat Coke, just little sips, because I was so dehydrated that I'm just gulping water. I must have drank a half a gallon of water on that 11 1⁄2 hours.

And you could have drank more. Well, if you're trying to hydrate, Coca-Cola isn't what you should be drinking. I think it was to settle your stomach, the bubbles. And then the sugars, a bit of an energy with the caffeine. I didn't ask a lot of questions. I know, but I'm saying, I'm trying to think of it. That's the same as when you have a hangover. Those are really good little tricks. And those shit tanks only hold so much.

They're probably not going to come right out and say that. They're going to go, hey, look, you've got to quit consuming so much. Small sips, sir. We didn't empty when we were in Amsterdam. We didn't know it was going to be an issue. Well, the other problem was after the Sky Club vomiting, I thought, I'm done. Now I can take my downers. And within 45 minutes, I'm puking on the plane.

Chicken in your sleep. Yeah, now I can't even take downers because I'm going to throw them up and waste them. So I was wide awake, sober. 11 hours. For 11 and a half hours. And I couldn't even eat. And they're passing food to Bingo. Get two.

I don't want to eat. No! Say you want to eat! And she's eating double. She's eating mine. And just the food going under your nose. So that's how we showed up. What do you think made you sick? All I can guess was that breakfast we had

at the end of that. I don't know. At some point I go, maybe this is how liver failure starts. I don't know. A precursor to something else? I mean, what did you have before that, though? Before that breakfast meal? Whatever other meal.

You don't know. It was all airplane food and just like grab-and-go type stuff. Yeah, it was in the middle of the night. What does your meal diary say? Check your app. So that's how we showed up in Cape Town, was thoroughly dehydrated at a hotel where they hated you.

There's two white-friendly, I guess you'd say, places I found in Cape Town where you can leave your hotel without a bodyguard. So one's the Waterfront District and one's Camps Bay. I know a lot of you are going to fucking email me. No, there's lots of places. Totally cool here. The two I found based on reviews on Expedia where I didn't have to worry about Bingo having her head cut off going to a

store. The first two nights we stayed at the waterfront and purposely because Martin Evans is a comic I know. The only comic I know from South Africa. And he said, oh, they just opened up a comedy club or they have a comedy

club and it was one tenth of a mile here to the corner store away so we went out the second night we were there we went to the comedy club it was sold out so we just we'll just hang out front and just see if we see martin or say hello okay can we go in and get a drink and bring it back out to the outside patio yeah sure and then when we're in there we go hey where's the comics is there a green room i'm a comedian from the states i just wanted to say hello and oh yeah go right upstairs and and they go yeah just hang out and then the bouncer oh you said you're just coming in for drinks and you're you can't do and then the comics fortunately comics, fortunately, vouched for us.

But then we're trying to watch comedy over there, and it's fucking indecipherable. You wish the punchlines were in another language. This guy, it was pretty funny, but he would build up these stories into kind of rants, and then the payoff, he'd say in Afrikaner, like their own language. And like, I was with you right till the part where you changed

the fucking language, asshole. Just the punchlines. Yeah, just the punchlines. So yeah, we saw a lot of setups and then left at intermission. And then we went to a bar next door that had a cover band and watched three or four songs over a drink and we said all right now we can say we enjoyed stand-up comedy and a night of live music even though we're out for an hour and 15 minutes and we went right back to bed and i still felt like shit and uh then we switched hotels to the beach, and we didn't leave there either.

We did so much fucking nothing that I couldn't do here. You didn't even go to the water? The water's edge? We were on the water. Yeah, across the street, and we never made it to the... Oh, my God. We never made it there. We didn't even get in the swimming pool.

Yeah, there's a beautiful... What did you say that's called? An infinity pool. Oh, yeah, yeah,, what do you say that's called? An infinity pool. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gorgeous. I have a great picture. I didn't even tweet it because it was such a fraud of bingo at the infinity pool at sunset, which you can see the beach behind her and the waves crashing,

and she's in this green dress, and it's gorgeous. And I had to go to the room, say, hey, let's take a picture really quick, and then go back to the room and lay in bed and watch that marathon of manhunt. And we had that discussion for people who appear to have really exciting lives. We are the most boring two people. We are the most boring two people. Yeah, but this picture makes it look like we have this fascinating life where we go to other continents and drink in the culture. No, I had to yank her out of bed watching cable TV,

take out one picture by the infinity pool, and then jump right back in her bed. We watched Shrek 2 in bed. and then jump right back in a bed. We watched Shrek 2 in bed. Manhunt is like a naked and afraid meets... It actually aired here. Lone Wolf or Lone something. It was a different name.

Some dude that gets dropped off and then people try to track him. He has to last so long before they find him. There's a couple of reality shows like that where there's guys on horseback. They went this way. Kind of like that, but the same guy all the time. But there's a camera crew with each group.

Who went this way? The camera crew or the person you're tracking? Yes. The wagon. I mean, the footsteps go this way. The guy that's... Based on my excellent tracking skills, I think nine people went that way.

It's weird because I can see them over there, but they... I have a bloodhound trained to sniff out craft services. I smell red vines. So, yeah, one day we spent an entire day on the saturday just sitting in bed but enjoying the fuck out of it going we couldn't do this much nothing at home chaley had come up with some fucking deadbeat heroes i have to sign gino would stop by and talk off mike derrick would have something.

I'm like, this is perfect. Just saying you're in Africa, people don't expect you to return a call or check your email. And you were so happy to be sweating through the sheets and the comforter. Yeah, I was sick for a while. Remember that when you check in. At one point

I put on the hotel bathrobe so I wouldn't sweat through the sheets. A condom. I'm going to put on a condom and I sweat through the terrycloth bathrobe. It smelled like piss and coffee grounds. You sweat through a double thick bath towel, basically. Yeah, I did.

Is this tit skin or emerald? tit skin or what's that a ball sack it was all sweaty up here and you made me you made me feel your tit skin laying on my side and my scrotum chest is all like zero muscle and all skin and it's all folded up because i'm on my side and i go honey we're gonna play guess is Is this kid's skin or a scrotum? Just stick your finger through the blanket and feel right here. Is that scrotum or an old man chest? Could she smell her finger? Against the rules.

Same smell anyway. It's like counting cards. It's not really illegal, but the house can brand it. We frown upon it so yeah we went we found a place that served Mexican food we had one dinner we went out to dinner

one time otherwise it was all take out I mean delivery and yeah we did fucking nothing in Africa you left here seven miles from the Mexican border, to go to Africa to have a burrito. It wasn't nearly as good.

It was modern Mexican. Go figure. Yeah, it's to watch cable TV and eat Mexican food. There was a spaghetti place, a pizza place that also served pasta. So rather than just stop eating it after the first time, we got spaghetti that... I called the front desk the next day

and I said, can you ask them if they can put extra sauce? Because that spaghetti I ordered last night was so dry. You could throw that at a white T-shirt and it wouldn't have left a red stain. So I said, make it like triple the sauce, quadruple the sauce, gut spaghetti again. We bought that shit three more times. So instead of just we don't go to this restaurant or order from them,

So instead of just we don't go to this restaurant or order from them, we walked down to the market at the end of the street, bought a jar of our own spaghetti sauce, ordered the same shitty spaghetti and poured our own jarred sauce on it. It was great. Walking by three other Italian restaurants. Seven other shitty restaurants. There's nothing in South Africa that I really felt like I missed other than murder.

We met one person, the bartender. James. Yeah, James from Malawi. The hotel was great. It's called P.O.D., all caps, POD or P.O.D., Camps Bay. Stay there. You won't need to leave your hotel, but you should jump in the pool. Most people do. Let's take a break.

This fucking story just goes nowhere and on and on about how boring I am. Is that true? Kickoff? Are you fucking kidding? Oh, 28 minutes. Alright, please hold. Just leave it rolling. Because this is where you fucked me, Greg Chaley.

What? Because Audible. You left and left us all hanging. Derek left town. You left town. I was trembling alone. Bingo is the only person that has any responsibility, and you know how feeble she is. But then the Audible, because you told me, oh, yeah, you can just set that up on your phone,

but then you fucking left before I have to fly 32 hours each way to africa i don't know how to do it you say it's simple and then you leave and now yes now now we have audible reads where i could actually promote the product and go oh yeah that time i was shitting and puking my guts out i was also listening to this great new book by Zach Galifianakis. I don't know if Zach has a book. I don't know. The point is, they have over 180,000 titles,

which I listened to none of on my awful flight to Africa because Greg Chaley fucked me and didn't set it up on my phone. But yes, our sponsor today is audible.com with more than 180,000 audiobooks and spoken word podcasts.

Get a free 30-day trial. That's free, Harley. Can you afford that? No, but you're working your way up to it. Almost can afford free. Go to audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope and get a free 30-day trial. And when you figure out how to put that on your Android or your iPod or your iThing or your other, it works on everything.

If Chaley's there to make it work for you. And yeah, get a 30-day free because that would have made a whole bunch of difference. This douchebag in front of me because I was just staring. I was so sick that I didn't even try to put on music on my TV. The guy in front of me, I can see his TV directly. He's a dude alone watching the creepiest, not even rom-coms. Rom-coms with the manliest thing. He's watching like

Legally Blonde 2 and stuff. Like, oh, 11 hours. And I just, as I'm dying physically, I'm going to kill that guy. If I'm going to die on this plane, he's going with me.

And that's where, yeah, a book on tape might have been soothing. So audible.com audible is offering my listeners a 30 and only my listeners

from what I know we seem to have worked out a smashing deal yeah I think audible.com actually said listen we're not giving shit away

for free unless it's Stan Hope because that guy's not long for this world we've looked at the numbers yeah so yeah go to audiblepodcast.com slash doug stanhope and get started today which you won't hear this for days so don't worry about the day free apps on iphones ipad android and windows phone except for me fucking books on tape are great. How about that

for a talking point? My listeners don't read, but you listen. I know you don't pick up books. You don't have that kind of time. You're getting high a lot. You don't read books, but if you just stick the thing in your ear, you can listen to books. See? Chad Shank has

audible.com. I have over 150 books in my library on audible tell us a good one because it wants a personal story from me but I don't have one right now just because of smart fuck magazine comments I'm listening to one of the great courses called building a better vocabulary

I listen to back in the day when I'd listen to books on tape you'd rent them out of Flying J's and then return them on cassette tape. I remember getting a lot of vocabulary books, and every time I used one of those big words from Smartfuck magazine that I learned, bifurcate, I still, I immediately associated with, I cheated. I learned that word on a vocabulary.

Give me a big word, Chad. I haven't listened to that one yet, so I don't know one. But these great courses, that's why I wanted to mention because I just found those. Those are cool. They have cognitive behavioral therapy,

which is actually something that is the most useful therapy for people with borderline personality disorder. I didn't know that until I started listening to this, but it's been pretty interesting. One of their case studies that they describe is almost exactly like me. No shit?

Yeah, so it's interesting. If you spend any time in a car, which most people do, that's probably where you're listening to this now. I only listen to podcasts when I'm in a car on a road trip, but if you live in L.A. and you have an hour and ten minute drive to work every day, I swear to God, books on tape changed the road for me back in the day when I lived out of my car. It's absolutely priceless. If you decide you don't like the book you choose, no worries.

You can exchange any book you aren't happy with for another title no questions asked and i suggest do what becker did when he used to scam vhs cameras in the early days and they'd say uh 30 day 30 day refunds no questions asked so when you want to talk to audible and say hey i didn't like this book i want to exchange it it. And they go, oh, we'll be happy to do that. Just let me get your account number. You go, you said no questions! This is a question!

That's what Becker would do. He'd bring it back after 29 days and they'd go, what was the problem with it? That's a question, sir! Ma'am, don't buy that TV because see this big sign? No questions asked, 30 days. It's a bait and switch.

So do that to audible.com. That joke is outdated. Now you just push a button on your app. Ah, goddammit. All right, yes, so they have narration speed speed control i didn't know that that's perfect do you know you know what that is right well i know how to fast forward through movies and series where i go all right if the chick the wife is talking to the kids in ray donovan it doesn't affect the plot fast forward i know oh if you're going to give me a lot of

descriptions it was a moonlit night in the fog, crypto. Fast forward. Yes. But with the feature they're talking about, you speed it up like one and a half times, and you can actually, you're still taking it in, which that's how I edit the podcast. And as soon as you hear it,

and then he withdrew the hatchet from under his driver's seat. Regular speed. Back 30 seconds. There's sleep timers on the app to listen at night. It'll shut off so you don't listen at 15 minutes. How do they know you're sleeping? I don't know

about this audible.com after all. You're watching me sleep. It does have 30 second rewind which is probably not enough because when I read books I find myself just one sentence, I'm drifting off into another thought that it keyed me into, and then you've read four pages and not been paying attention. Your eyes were going over the lines,

but they have 30-second rewind for those of you who are not completely stunted mentally. And yeah, that's an audible.com read. And now, the Doug Stanhope Podcast presents Chad Shank with the police beat. The much-anticipated police beat. Chad, what's going on out there on the mean streets of Lowell, Saginaw, South Galena, Upper Galena,

Don Louie, Narco, Hereford and the surrounding communities Well you didn't mention this street Doug but extra patrol was requested on OK Street after someone left a jewelry box labeled ammonia and containing smelling salts on the caller's property

Isn't that a mislabeled ammonia box? Well, that's what a smelling salt is. That's like putting a burning bag of dog shit on someone's door and ringing the doorbell, but the burning bag says dog shit on it. That's a prank. You kind of gave it away.

A little on the nose. No pun. The smell. What else we got, Chad Shank? On Boronite Avenue, a man and a woman were seen looking into the windows of a house. Police found that the house was for sale. The subjects were potential buyers. Not anymore. Not anymore.

Nosy fucking neighbors. We're out of here. What else is troubling the scared people of Bisbee? Two male subjects were reported sitting inside a black Mazda

and possibly smoking marijuana at the Bisbee Breakfast Club. When questioned, one of them admitted using the substance earlier that day. When questioned by who of them admitted using the substance earlier that day. When questioned by who? Was it the caller that actually, are you smoking marijuana because I'm calling the cops and I don't want to be wrong? No, I did earlier.

I'm still calling. In Bisbee, I'd be more afraid of him asking for some than asking to call the cops. Castle Rock Candy just wants to know, are they still there? What's the date on that police beat? Oh, I was smoking pot, but I'm out. Sorry, dude. Do you need any? Got any?

Need any? Got any? What else do you have from the mean streets of Bisbee, Chad Shank? While taking a CDL test, which is indeed a commercial driver's license, a tractor trailer hit a pole and broke it at Congdon and Arizona Street. Sorry, I'm looking for a Mr. Magoo joke.

I don't know. Like a telephone pole or a fishing pole? What did it hit? It hit a pole. We need more adjectives. A Polish guy? With a sword? Can I tell my tractor joke? Right here.

Go ahead. Put your tractor joke in, Bingo. Okay, here we go. We heard this in London, I think. Sure. Did you guys hear about the magic tractor? No. No.

It went down the road and turned into a field. Keep going, keep going, keep going, Chad Shank. And back to Chad Shank with the police beat. A 91-year-old female was being combative at a Hereford facility, hitting other patients and a caseworker. Now, this shit wouldn't happen if we armed our elderly. Armed them with what? If everyone was armed, you wouldn't have some 91-year-old bat-shit crazy person abusing people.

It's just like Paris. It's like the Paris attacks. Some could have taken her down. Did you know that while you were gone, Sheriff Joe Arpaio requested that all legal arms owners start packing their heat in case of terrorist attacks? Right. How do you know that 91-year-old woman wasn't ISIS? As a mentally ill gun owner, I'm confused on what I should do. Is it a concealed carry here?

You don't have to have a concealed permit here. No, you can just... As long as you're not a felon, you can have a concealed weapon in the state of Arizona. At what point when a 91-year-old woman is beating the shit out of you, are you within your right? At some point, you have to hit her. It's cool. It's my girlfriend. It's cool.

She's only like this when she's drinking. My fault, really. She's under a lot of stress they took out her hip the hardest part is trying not to leave a mark anywhere she bruises like a peach it's crazy it's a wind blows it's a liver spot it's been there for 40 years what else you got chad a black male was seen in Palominas walking with his head down. He was described as wearing European clothing and not making eye contact. That's suspicious.

What was Shawnee doing over there? There's only one black guy in town. There's only one black guy. I was going to say two black guys were smoking weed by the Bisbee Breakfast Club. I don't understand. No, that was a black Mazda. Oh, town. I was going to say, two black guys were smoking weed by the Bisbee Breakfast Club. I don't understand. No, that was a black Mazda. Oh, sorry. I read it wrong.

Is that what you call two blacks? A Mazda, like a murder of crows? It's a Mazda of blacks? Two or more. Oh, shit. We mock, but these are serious stories. What else have you got? Sometimes you have to laugh in the face of all this heartache.

A Hereford man called for citizen assistance, stating his wife had dropped an eight-pound weight on her head. On her own head i guess but i'm still trying to figure out what citizen assistance she only gets that is what she's drinking starts dropping big weights on her head and she's a liar because she's gonna say i did it She's got dementia. What else? A double Adobe man bought a car, but when it was delivered,

it was a completely different car. Shazam. I think I just watched that Twilight Zone episode. I'm assuming it was a downgrade. I bought an 87 Ford Tempo and you brought me a Lamborghini. I'm calling the cops. Fucking bullshit, man!

This happens all the time! You think I don't know about the Craigslist bait and switch? Bait and prosper. What else you got? Sarah Vertries, 30, from Bisbee, was booked into jail. Charged with aggravated DUI, DUI, DUI.08 or more, and alcohol content and extreme DUI.

Only Andy Andrist has that kind of luck. Someone got pulled over and got four DUIs in one stop. How can you do that? How can you get a DUI and then an extreme DUI? The equivalent would be if you get charged with grand larceny because it's over a certain dollar amount, but also charged with grand larceny because it's over a certain dollar amount, but also charged with petty larceny

because it's over... And shoplifting. Yes. And trespassing. Right. Alright. And what do we have for a... To recap, what's the top of the hour for the next hour? What's the top of the hour for the next hour?

What's the top news story? An ex-husband left a signed package at the ex-wife's gate in Hereford. The package included, quote, blood and gore. The magazine? No, it was a Tarantino film. He sounded like Becker. I did say it like Becker. All right. That is the police beat thank you chad shank who's wearing a blue un style helmet and a flak jacket out in the fields braving life and limb to bring you the hardcore truth of life and and now back to the podcast as we're doing it.

Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. I've been really bad about thanking people for the shit that you send me. I've been a little busy filming all that shit and then going away. Yeah, someone sent me a bunch of Sriracha shit. Like Sriracha, but it came from... Key chains? They're like, yeah, you can put Sriracha in a little...

It's Sriracha to go. It looks like those things if you have the... Carabiner? No, the little... Hand lotion. Yeah, yeah. Like the hand sanitizer. Yeah, it looks like that.

But it's for sriracha. Yeah, you put sriracha in it. I only like sriracha on shrimp tempura sushi. It's a weird thing. That's it? That's the only thing I ever use it for. I mean, there's a million hot sauces. I like different things for different things.

As long as it's not red Tabasco. The fuck? I have Jokers written down there, i have no idea oh fuck the impractical jokers cruise that's coming up right yeah and i don't if anyone's going let us know you're going there's a fuckload of comedians on this the impractical jokers are on true tv we're huge fans of them we've become friends with them by being fans and they're doing their own cruise with all their fans so we signed up immediately and then you're coming on the cruise fuck and then we get an offer to play it i'm like no fucking way i don't want to play the cruise that ruins a vacation but i

want to be a fan people so you're not doing anything you're just going we're getting drunk and having fun as fans do we're gonna be just complete fans list off a couple people yeah fuck lisa lampanelli gilbert gottfried who was on my bucket list of people to see before i die is gonna be on the crew wow there's a shitload of comedians on it and bands and djs and i'm so glad i'm not performing. It would stink. I'd just have to sit there and worry the whole time. I believe January, if you search Joker's Cruise, I know is the hashtag, but, yeah, Google it. Impractical Joker's Cruise.

It leaves out of Miami or Fort Lauderdale and winds up in, I think, Cozumel, and then you fly back. But let us know if you're going. Yeah, if you're going. We're going. We're just going to be sitting around drunken assholes just like you. We'll be waiting in line for Gilbert Gottfried autographs. If we leave our room.

We'll leave our room because we'll be moving. If Manhunt isn't on, right? So, yeah, the Impractical Jokers cruise, I'm really looking forward to that. I'm pretty sure January 11th through 15th, and we should be plugging this all the time. And someone put the Funhouse here on Yelp. So if you Google search or search on Yelp Stan Hope's Funhouse, you can find the Funhouse and just write it up good or bad. But like, it's a bar, and make it funny.

Be creative. I like that. It's fucking hilarious. And we get $5 from management for every time they mention our names. That's not true at all. No, that's from the hotel up it. What's that? We're supposed to Yelp the people at our hotel bar because they get money for every time we-

Do they? Yeah. Who's that? Aaron. Oh, the Tucson hotel. Sharon Four Points? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

All right. Yeah, do that. Yelp them up. All right. And thank you, whoever sent a bunch of shit. Someone sent me cigarettes. Some guy was trying to quit smoking on vacation and bought a carton from Duty Free and didn't finish him and sent a half a carton of cigarettes for anyone who runs out in the fun house.

Cool shit like that. We got a lot of bar stuff. I'm sorry I don't have your names. I'm disorganized and I stink. But the best, Chad Shank. Someone just sent Chad Shank a samurai sword. That's a legitimate old. It's real. I don't know. It's real legitimate old. It's real.

I don't know. It's real as fuck. It's sharp. I'm afraid to take it home because I have road rage. Great way, though. Well, yeah. It's better than beating someone to death with a pipe. Yeah, that was a samurai sword.

That might make national news. You'll just make the police beat if you got it as soon as i saw that giant box addressed to chad shank at my address i'm like oh fuck i'm letting him open this in case there's a white van out front monitoring it doesn't say who it's from though so somebody will have to say who it's from but thank you i i do remember a guy emailing me oh someone sent us like four pounds of hatch green chili miriam ortega and they're not like hatch green chilies like what when you told me that's what it was it's actually a hatch green chili uh sauce yeah so yeah i'll make something sunday for that yeah i'll make some kind of but

i mean six six huge jars of it they're fantastic I'll make some kind of. But, I mean, six huge jars of it. They're fantastic. We'll make a lot of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can't remember what else. Well, I want to say thanks to one of the attendees at the Bisbee Royale show. He came up at the end of the show. He saw you in Vegas.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy that bought everything. Randy. He came up at the end of the show. He saw you in Vegas. Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy that bought everything? Randy. He came up at the end. He bought something early. He bought a Bible. Because this was really the only time that we were selling Bibles.

And we'd gotten so many Bibles that had shown up. This was a great way to unload them. And they were going. And Randy came by at the end of the... A lot of Bibles. People had been sending shitloads of Biblesibles some guy sent one from uh saint martin ma'am and uh yeah also it's a weird languages and we got one from africa yep oh good we stole the african bible

we're not stupid that's the first thing we did about the only two things we did. We went to a comedy club, we ate Mexican food, and we stole Bibles. That's a good run. I'm just going to go around the horn here. Chaley left us. You went to the Erickson's for a minute? No, I went up to – picked up my mom in Orange County, then went up to Seattle, spent the Thanksgiving holidays, and then turned right back around, dropped her off in Orange County, then went to the Bretchells for about 22 hours, which I think is perfect.

Going to the Bretchells is like going to Vegas. If you stay for 10 days or 10 hours, you still leave thinking, I would die if I spent one more minute there. It was fantastic. Yeah, and he'll be up for the Super Bowl show, which we still have to put together. We are doing Super Bowl party is just for the people that were in the season-long pool. If you got a red jacket, you got entry.

And the comedian's performing. But we are doing a show in Bisbee the Saturday prior to the Super Bowl, the night before, at the Bisbee Royale. Jeff Tate is confirmed. I think Brett Erickson is confirmed. After that, I don't know. There's going to be a shitload of comics, so we're going to have to figure that out.

We'll announce tickets on one of the podcasts and then through Twitter. You know what? We'll probably do a Willy Wonka golden wrapper kind of thing so someone from the show can come to the Super Bowl. Oh, a raffle. Everyone gets a raffle ticket when they walk in. Right. And you draw right there on stage.

That's great. Oh. We'll figure out the details. Yeah. Yeah. Chad Shank, things have been well? No, not really, but I'm still here. I fell in a hole after last time I saw you.

I heard about that. I don't know what happened. But I was too far away I fell in a hole after last time I saw you. I heard about that. I don't know what happened. But I was too far away. I couldn't. There's nothing I could do. I couldn't do it. I'm standing next to you. I can't do anything about it.

You got a fucking sword. I'm trying different methods. I'm trying different things. I've been trying to think now. I'm trying to re-look at the way I look at suicide. I have to look at things different in order to make changes. My wife wanted me to stop drinking whole milk and drink 2% milk. And I was like, no, that tastes like water.

I don't like it. Until I looked at it different. I said, well, if I drink 2% milk and I say, what I'm really saying is I wish this milk had a lot more fat in it. Then that changed the way I look at it and I didn't do it. So I'm trying to change the way. and you know you should be drinking more water well then i ended up switching so now i don't drink milk because then i overanalyzed it and it's fucking gross so we shouldn't be drinking milk anyway but anyway my point was i have to relook at things so trying

to look at suicide like uh different i don't know changing your perception yeah in a positive light i i use suicide like other people use religion is what I'm trying to tell myself, and then that will get me to stop looking at it. Like it's a way out. It's this crutch. Oh, yeah, it's a safety valve. Yeah. It's like in asteroids.

You had that hyper. Oh, yeah, it was hyperspace. Yeah, it wasn't the button. It throws you somewhere else on the screen at random. Yeah, like thinking about suicide will make you feel better. Like, oh, okay, there is like an exit door. Holding a loaded gun to your head makes you feel about 10 times better than that. But I'd have been telling myself, though, like, I don't know for sure what happens after that.

So I don't know for sure that's a way out. I could end up somewhere else just worse, wishing that I didn't fucking do that for eternity. So I'm just trying to trick myself. So anyway. Bingo. I just talked someone off a ledge. You're all happy this morning. I talked to someone, some crazy person.

It's nice when you realize people actually get stuff out of this miserable, naysaying nonsense that we do. And a lot that we do. And a lot of people do. I shared the coloring a couple pages from the coloring book with this person. Bingo's latest project which she is absolutely consumed by

is she's making an adult comic book about her coloring book about her life with Gretchen Baer about her life with Gretchen Bear. Yeah. So Gretchen's doing the illustrations and bingo's

filling in the text and his different weird games and bingo going crazy and bingo doing cocaine. Oh, it's an adult book. It's definitely an adult coloring book. We submitted one of the

I just saw it yesterday. I talked to Gretchen and one of the pictures I submitted from on tour that you backstage made the yesterday. I talked to Gretchen. And one of the pictures I submitted from on tour, you backstage. Yep, made the book. Made the book. Very happy of that. It's great.

I can't wait to see that thing finished. I mean, even right now, I'm excited about it. It's so fun to do. It's so fun to work on. I have no projects other than now that I'm actually going to be done. We have a meeting in LA on Monday, and then I can come back and actually focus on football. I have about $100 that I've had for the last couple years in my sportsbook account, betonline.ag. betonline.ag that rather than

try to force money in because it can be a bit of a pain in the ass to get money in the account. I've just been making penny ante bets just trying to not have to. So I'll win a four team parlay and it pays 19 bucks

because I bet a dollar. It's just a point. But I've been fucking up because I haven't been able to focus on football. So now that we're getting towards the end of the season and in the playoffs, I'm going to try to focus on football and I'm going to try to win enough money to keep that alive. By Super Bowl, I'm going to have to dump a bunch of fucking money in because Super Bowl, you have to bet a lot of money. But yeah, that's what I look forward to. And that starts in six minutes and two seconds is the Cardinals Vikings here on Thursday night.

You won't hear this for a while. And then we're going to podcast the shit out of some podcasts. Yep. I won't be so flighty. I leave on Saturday. You leave again, yeah, for three weeks. So the merchandise, you can order things online, but shipping won't happen until January 7th.

All right, yeah, order some shit for Christmas and then say, I don't know, they're fucking out of town. Cut out the middleman. Just donate to Shaley. Donate to the podcast. We'll call it Black January. That's where everyone does their shopping. January 6th.

All right. For Bingo, for Chad Shank, for Greg Chaley, and all of our audience who have drifted off. It's football time. Thanks for listening. We'll be more regular with this now that we're back in town. And Chad Shank, you can cover that chaley spot sure good that's what people want to hear more chad shank absolutely everyone does more swords more swords tune in next week to see where that samurai sword ended up and how long it took him to dislodge it from that poor

asian man's chest hey how Audible giving us another chance? You know what? Sign up anyway. Get your free thing and go to Doug Stanhope. Where is it again? Audiblepodcast.com slash Doug Stanhope and get your 30-day free thing. Is it Doug Stanhope?

Doug Stanhope. Okay, that's right. Yeah, do that. And then people go, wow, Doug Stanhope's listeners really listen to him when he sells a fucking product. How about that? Just do that. Do that.

Thank you for listening. Oh, wait. You forgot to play the matoid. Motherfucker! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here! Motherfuckers! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here!

Christmas candles flying in the air While dad is beating the shit out of mommy Children by the Christmas tree Are singing songs of It's Christmas time It's Christmas time Trailer home is burning down Bob is dying on the ground Children in the backyard Are singing songs of It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time Daddy's in the death row Mommy's singing with the angel choir Children in the orphanage Are singing song, song. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It's Christmas time. It's Christmas time. It's Christmas time.

Let's sing with the children. It's Christmas time It's Christmas time It's Christmas time Merry Christmas